Railgun to the Face

by Arcane-Boomeus

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Romance, Adventure, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Princess Luna, Original Character, Trixie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 12119

A not-very-grizzled but rather zany adventurer tells stories about a rather strange adventure. Chapter 1 is boring, but kinda-sorta important...

One day, RG- 'The Railgun'- wakes up... as an adorable, brightly-colored horse pony. She has no bucking idea what's going on, no clue who she is... in fact, she's not even sure WHAT she is. She figures out she's a pony. She rolls with it. But when she starts getting cryptic advice in a weird dreamy-place, things get... well, more interesting.
She, along with the friends she meets, fights monsters (and stuff)... Kind of.
Think of it as RG telling a story.

Published 2013-07-03 23:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-12 23:11:55 UTC

Chapter One: Introduction

I guess this is 'Chapter One: The Introduction'

“Tell me,” said the fiend, “why do you still stand? Your companions are all dead- or dying, I have a hard time telling whether you ponies are entirely dead- and your so-called “physical goddess”, the Moon Princess, has been...” It chuckled and delivered an excruciating pun: “taken for granite.” The ever-shifting mass of tentacles, slime, and Celestia-knows-what-else seemed to be enjoying itself, in a way that was really pissing me off.

It was powerful- excruciatingly so. It had managed to knock everypony else unconscious with an attack so fast I didn't even see it. Luna had arrived on the moon before us, and it seemed she had been turned to stone. The world had slipped down and past the horizon behind me, and I felt something I hadn't felt yet- fear, horrible, gut-wrenching fear. Fear of the cosmic horror that loomed before me, changing size and shape seemingly at random. Fear that my friends were going to die. Fear that I would die without ever learning my name. Fear that I would never tell my special somepony that I loved her.... and a crushing truth- nopony, with the obvious exception of those who came, knew we had come here.

We wouldn't be getting help. If I failed, then this piss-poor excuse for a god would bring wanton havoc and destruction to Equestria- and the rest of the world.

“I remain standing,” I said coldly, my voice dripping with the bitter venom of my rage, “because it will probably be easier to kill you from a standing position- it is rather awkward, casting spells whilst sitting down, you see.” I didn't shout, scream, or otherwise raise my voice. If anything, my voice had dropped to a whisper, because, despite the intense emotion welling up inside of me, I was calm- after all, it's hard to do a good job when your tranquility is broken. “Besides,” I said, forcing myself to calm down once more, “your little 'attack' managed to make my flank quite sore, and I would prefer to avoid agitating it further.”

“You are fated to die here,” it said, “I know it because I have seen it. Why should you waste your final moments in a vain struggle to defeat that which is unable to be defeated- unable to be killed?”

“I've always been defiant, according to Olivia,” I explained calmly, as if we were having a nice chat over some tea that I would avoid drinking (I dislike tea), “and, even if I am fated to die here, I think I'll have a go at wiping you from the face of the moon. If I fail, then... well, I'm sure Celestia will have something to say to you about what you did to Luna, and Discord would probably be appalled that there exists a being that is even uglier than he is. And let's not forget the Elements of Harmony, the dragons, the Griffons, and the ponies of Equestria.”

Something I had said in there managed to really piss it off. It definitely lost its cool. “I AM FEAR INCARNATE! MY VERY PRESENCE CAUSES THE STRONGEST OF MORTALS TO GO INSANE! I CANNOT BE KILLED! I WILL BRING YOU AND YOUR WORLD TO RUIN, AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME! YOUR MOST POWERFUL MAGICS AND WEAPONS WILL NOT EVEN FAZE ME! I AM THE HARBINGER OF YOUR DESTRUCTION, AND YOU. WILL. ALL. DIE!”

“Don't freak out about it,” I said in a faux-affable way, “you may be ugly, but you're not that ugly. I mean, really, have some self-respect there, mister-and-or-missus-thing-that-really-shouldn't-be. I mean, look at me. I've been conversing with you for awhile now, and I'm still just as sane as I was beforehoof.”

“YOU WILL LEARN RESPECT,” it bellowed, “AND THEN YOU WILL DIE!”
I briefly wondered if pissing it off was the best course of action. Then I shrugged, smiled petulantly, and replied, “I think you'll find that you're the one who needs to show some respect. After all, I'm going to be 'the pony who killed a self-proclaimed god' by the end of the day.”

“GRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,” It bellowed, enraged. It slithered/rolled/glorped towards me, shifting in size and shape more rapidly than before- which made it really difficult to tell how far away it was.

'Alright, you've pissed it off,' I thought, 'next step... oh, that's just bucking brilliant. You got so caught up in insulting it that you forgot to have any sort of plan...'

'I suppose we'll make it up as we go along, then?'
'Don't we always?'

'I guess- I just assumed that fighting a “god” deserved a little more thought.'
'Hey- I insulted it, didn't I?'

'Wait a second- maybe we did go a little more insane. I don't think I've conversed with myself before.'

'Let's consider this an advantage.'
'So... Railgun to the face?'

'Railgun to the face has yet to fail us.'
'Railgun to the face is the solution to all problems.'

'I hope we get paid for this.'
'It's not a monster, though... probably. It's more of a... disgusting fiend, maybe?... an aberration? A cosmic horror? Eldritch abomination? Upper-tier mid-boss? Hrm... let's just stick with “ugly”.'

I didn't have time to tell myself 'Oh, hey, look at that gigantic tentacle that's coming right for us'.

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“I guess I should tell you how I got here before I go any further, eh? After all, I can't waste a perfectly good cliff-hanger, and I kinda started in the middle of the story.

“I mean, it's pretty obvious that I lived, because... well, I'm here, aren't I? Besides, I am pretty buckin' awesome- it's not like some monster could defeat me. I'm The Railgun, for Luna's sake! That's Railgun with a 'The'- capital 'T' and everything!

“And do you know how I became the pony I am today, fillies and colts of Princess Luna's Academy for Extraordinary Young Ponies™?

“I'll tell you, because, even though I'm sure you hear this every time somepony comes and gives a speech, I can attest that, for me, it is mostly true. I studied (at least, I made sure to at least skim through the books assigned to me), I persevered, worked with a team of amazing ponies, and had a teacher that scared me senseless. I also drank a bit too much coffee, but that's really pretty irrelevant and I should stop talking now.”

I clear my throat- you seem to be listening eagerly, and I'd hate to disappoint such an adorable little foal- and begin to tell my story, from the beginning this time.

“A little over three months ago...”

Author's Note

I couldn't tell you why, but this chapter feels important. I guess it's a bit of a pseudo-'establishing character moment'... followed by an actual one.

It's rated T because, well, we all know what the character means when they use a non-profane word in place of an actual 'bad word', and I think the intent is pretty important. Also, some of the nightmares get a little creepy and weird- that first one up there is probably the second worst offender (yes, that's a dream that RG is talking about, as you'll soon learn).

Chapter Two: First Steps (Literally)

CHAPTER TWO

I opened my eyes blearily, only to be blinded by the warm light of the sun as it rose over the horizon. I rolled off of whatever it was I had slept on (it seemed to be a bedroll of some kind), then tried to rise to my feet.

I fell flat on my face- not in the normal way, though, because my nose was the only thing that hit the ground. I brought my left hoof to my face to make sure nothing was broken or bleeding.

I probably don't have to tell you that I was very surprised to see that I didn't have a hoof. What I saw was an electric blue... hoof.

“What the-” I muttered, surprised at how (relatively) unsurprised I was. 'Wait,' I thought, 'slow down. Should I be surprised? Was I not... whatever I am... before, er, now?'

I realized something. 'I don't know. I don't remember anything... though I have the feeling that this type of situation is rather cliché, and I seem to have enough of a grasp of... whatever language this is... to be able to think in it- and I said “What the-” just a few seconds ago. However, I seem to be operating on movements that are obviously not the ones I should be using...'

I moved my head around and observed that my (new?) body was the same electric blue as the hoof I mistook for a hoof. 'Wait, what is a 'hoof' anyways?!' I seemed to be a quadruped, with a bright orange tail on the end of my body opposite my eyes, nose, mouth, and (I assumed) brain and ears and other bits of anatomy that belong on the 'front' of... bioforms? I was, of course, assuming that whatever it was that I was was a species that exhibited cephalization- which is an easier way of saying 'all of the stuff involving perception and cognition is all in one area because it's convenient and stuff'.

It took awhile to dawn on me.
“Am I a horse? A strange, brightly-colored, sentient, talking horse? Am I actually sentient?” I then had an idea. A hypothesis, if you will. “Did I just achieve sentience? Am I the first neon-colored, talking, sentient horse? That might explain the lack of memory, but how would I know how to speak...?”

I frowned. “Maybe I am inventing language as I go... I'm just making the sounds that, to me, embody the concepts I am trying to express, and, because I understand them, I'm just assuming it's an actual language?” I paused, considering this. “I guess if I'm the first sentient being here, then whatever it is I'm speaking is the closest thing to an 'actual' language there is-”

I then applied logic to my situation. “I woke up- maybe even slept- on that bedroll. If I just acquired sentience, then I wouldn't have made such a nice-looking sleeping-thingie until, well... after becoming intelligent. Therefore, I must not be the first sentient being here- though I could still be the first sentient horse...”

“Sorry to burst your bubble, RG,” said a feminine voice, “but I'm pretty sure that everypony's been sentient for a rather long time.”

I turned my head to face the voice, which was coming from the side of my body that I hadn't been blankly staring at. I saw an adorable little horse- she was about the same size as me, to be fair- standing very close to me and looking down at me from a pretty steep angle. She was green- the color of green that I thought was 'olive drab-ish'- and her tail, which matched the hair on her head (which I soon realized was her mane, her being a horse and all) was a strange brown color that I tentatively decided was, simply, brown.

In short- this horse kind of reminded me of a tree. She also seemed to have wings, and her eyes were... 'Wait a second,' I thought, startled, 'I'm not electric blue! Her eyes are electric blue, and I am more of a... a Hooloovoo, perhaps?'

“Celestia's mane,” she said, exasperated, “you're making that face again- the one you make whenever you've made a particularly egregious choice.”

My eyes probably widened. “When you say egregious,” I began, “do you mean-”
She sighed. “Yes, RG, I mean 'conspicuously bad'. I know what egregious means.”

I decided that I liked this horse-girl. “You wouldn't happen to know anyone who can teach me to move correctly, would you?”

“At least you're still polite,” she muttered. “Yeah, hold on, you wrote a manual for this, told me that I would need it “one day” and that I should make sure to place it right-side up...”

She demonstrated the functionality of her wings by turning, leaping into the air, and flying away. She was back within a few minutes, holding a leather-bound book in her mouth. She placed it in front of me, then took a step back. “In Equestria, we read from left to right.”

I nodded. “M'kay.”
She recoiled. “Are you feeling alright, RG? You didn't say anything snarky OR weird.”

“Right, because everything I say is sarcasm. In fact,” I said dryly, “my cerebrospinal fluid is eighty-three-point-nine-one-four-six percent sarcasm.” Then, I frowned. “Oh.”

She rolled her probably-electric-blue eyes. “Just read the bucking book so you can figure out how to perform locomotion.”

I peered at the cover of the book. “You are a unicorn. Focus on opening the book with your mind, imagine it glowing a shade of electric blue (no, it's not quite electric blue, but the name isn't important) and opening.”

'What an abnormally long title,' I thought, 'I hope the writing inside isn't terrible...' Despite my misgivings, I did as the book's title instructed. The book glowed, opened, and was read by me.
“I'm a pretty good writer,” I mused, closing the book and standing as the book had told me to (the exact words were, (“just stand up, you'll get used to it”).

“Yeah, you are... sometimes, though, you leave out important little bits of information.”
“Like what?”

“My name is Olivia Leaf.”
I nodded. Leaf made sense- she reminded me of a tree, after all. And Olivia is like a feminine version of Olive, which is what I guessed her coat was. “Maybe I wrote it intending to have you tell me your name yourself?”

“You also left out the fact that you're a mare.”
I forgot how to stand at this point. “What.”

Olivia sighed, rolled her eyes, and said, “RG, almost ninety percent of all ponies are mares. You can't be in the minority in everything, you know.”

After a few moments, I decided that I had no reason to believe that I wasn't always a female. I rose to my hooves. “Okay.” I took a deep breath. “What now?”

“Grab your saddlebags, we need to head into town for supplies...” she paused. “You should go to the library. The 'library princess'- Twilight Sparkle- lives there. The building's a tree, right in the middle of Ponyville. You can't miss it.”

I nodded, then grimaced. “Why do I need to go to the library, exactly?”
Olivia gaped. “That book you left for yourself didn't tell you anything important, did it?”

I shrugged. “It had a lot about local vernacular, what ponies eat, and some instructions that explained how to do basic stuff.”

“Basic stuff?”
“Standing, jumping, going to the bathroom- stuff everypony should know how to do.”

Olivia slapped her face with a hoof. “We're monster hunters. You're a mage- everypony calls you “Rail Gun,” because it's the technique you created, and what you're known for. You need to go to the library to read some spellbooks, because I'd really prefer that my battlemage companion can, you know, use magic. Conveniently, Twilight Sparkle also happens to be acquainted with the new mare that'll be working with us. She's a unicorn, too- her name's... Dixie? Something like that.”

“Alright,” I said, “anything else?”
“I can hoofle the supplies. You were kind enough to leave a list of the random crap you 'need'- you know, before you forgot how to stand.”

“Just be glad I'm a quick study.”
“... Is there any reason that you wanted me to get sawdust? I mean, the bag of holding is a pretty normal thing to want, but sawdust?”

I thought for a moment. “Sawdust is pretty explosive when it's all airborne,” I reflected, “kinda like flour, but more potent- tree sap burns pretty well, I think.”

“That explains the bag of flour...” She helped me with my saddlebags, tightening and adjusting various straps and bindings. “I'll come by the library when I'm finished. Don't do anything... stupid.”

I couldn't really think of anything to say about that, so I did what felt normal. I nodded a short, quick nod that Olivia would probably have missed, were she not looking so intently at me.

She frowned. “I don't mean that you're stupid- I know how smart you are- but... well, there are times that you just don't seem to understand things... things that normal, sane ponies have no trouble with.”

For some reason, that sounded just about right. Actually, it sounded like she knew me better than I knew myself- which, given the circumstances, isn't all that surprising, but... well... I thought it was pretty spot-on, alright?

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I rapped my hoof on the door of the tree/library. “Come in,” called a mare's voice. I opened the door with my horn's magical telekinesis thing, then entered, closing the door behind me. I wasn't sure why I closed it behind me, but it just felt odd to not do so. I could think of several reasons to close a door, but I was rather intrigued by the way I did it without thinking.

A purple unicorn trotted up to me, a smile on her face (I assumed that she was the mare named Twilight Sparkle). “Hi,” she said, “you're RG, right?”

“I'm pretty sure I am, yeah,” I said, not wanting to deal in certainties and absolutes until I could be certain, somehow.

She giggled and lifted a book with her magic and showed me the back cover, upon which a picture of a mare that looked an awful lot like me (or so I assumed, as I had yet to see my face). “You're a pretty funny pony,” she said, her wings flaring out and making me feel like she was really excited to meet me, “I really enjoyed your book. The theory and records were interesting, but the best part was definitely the humorous way you wrote it.”

“Funny,” I said, “I said the same thing.” I snickered. “The thing that was the same was the bit about me being funny.” I was quite amused.

“You said you were funny?” the bookkeeper asked, seemingly dumbfounded, “Your humor usually involves a fair deal of self-deprecation...”

I grimaced. 'How, precisely, do I explain my situation to her? I mean, I could tell her that I have amnesia, but... what if I don't?' Then I noticed something. “You have wings,” I said plane-ly (or, if you're a stuck-up, pun-hating monster, 'plainly').

Twilight nodded. She was looking more and more confused by the second. “Yes,” she said, “I'm an alicorn- a princess. My coronation was just awhile ago.”

“Oh, okay.”
She squinted at me. “You were there.”

I laughed nervously. “Maybe it was someon-pony who looked like me?” I almost said 'someone' instead of 'somepony,' for some odd reason.

“You gave me the first printed copy of your book, signed by you.”
“Then, why'd you greet me by asking who I was?”

“I wanted to make sure you weren't somepony else,” she said, “before I told you that your book was funny.”

She took a step back, away from me. Her horn glowed purple. “Tell me what's going on, RG,” she said sternly, “I don't want to have to hurt you, but if you're a danger to the ponies of Equestria...”

I grimaced. “I don't know. I don't know what happened to me. I don't know who I am, outside of what Olivia- and now you- have told me. I just... woke up today.”

“I've never heard of anything like that,” she said apprehensively, “but I can't take any chances.” She cleared her throat. “Hold Pony,” she commanded, sending a ray of purple magic at me.

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I stood in nothing, suspended in a void of inky darkness. I was not afraid, but... comforted.
“You've a long, hard path before you, my little pony,” said a voice, smooth like silk, emanating from everywhere. A pony- an alicorn- appeared before me. She was significantly larger than me, and a deep, dark shade of blue. Her mane, like a starry night sky, undulated on a nonexistent breeze. A silver crown was perched atop her head.

“Who... who are you?”
“I am Princess Luna,” she said, “we are very similar, you and I.”

“Are we?” I asked, genuinely curious.
“We are both... echoes. Of those we once were. Shadows of greatness... reflections.”

I frowned. “What does that mean, exactly?”
“It means that we must fight to exist, for if we falter, we will fade into oblivion.” She smiled sadly. “You needn't concern yourself with this; at least, not for now,” she said, “for now, you are in desperate need of knowledge, and while I cannot restore your memories, I can give you the means to fight as you once did.” She inclined her head, touching her horn to mine. There was a blue flash. “Good luck, my little pony. I pray you never need it.” Almost as if it was an afterthought, she added, “We will speak again tomorrow night. Hopefully, your situation will be more comfortable than your current one.”

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“Trixie,” said Twilight's voice, “there's something very odd about this pony... just... be careful, okay? I know we're not the best of friends, but...”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie appreciates your concern,” said the pony that I assumed was called Trixie, “but Trixie is more than capable of hoofling herself.”

“With all due respect, Princess, there's always been something very odd about RG,” said Olivia, “RG, you can stop pretending to be asleep, we're done talking about you.”

I opened my eyes. Twilight eyed me carefully, Olivia smiled, and the blue mare, who I guessed (I'll spare you the details on the complex logic and reasoning that went into the guess) was Trixie... wow. I blushed. She wore purple cape and wizard hat, and her mane was a light blue... and she had the most beautiful eyes...

I said the same thing that any reasonable pony wouldn't say upon meeting a beautiful mare. Well, actually, I didn't say any words. I just spewed gibberish.

She blushed, before making a proud face. “Aha,” she said, “another pony entranced by the Great and Powerful Trixie's beauty~!”

I realized then that I was still being held in place. I grimaced. “Dispel magic,” I growled, the blue flash of my horn visible at the top of my vision. Twilight's jaw dropped, as did Trixie's.

Trixie gaped. “How did you-”
“I wrote a book about it,” I said, surprising myself by knowing not only the spell, but the contents of the book. 'Thank you, Princess Luna,' I thought.

Trixie turned a look of astonishment onto Twilight. “You kept her magically bound in place for a whole day? 24 hours of Hold Pony?!” She shook her head. “And here I thought you were the embodiment of the Elements of Harmony,” she huffed.

Olivia nodded. “We've got a Hydra to deal with, anyways.”

Author's Note

The chapter where the funny kicks in, and the misunderstandings begin.
I think Twilight did the right thing. RG's pretty freakin' crazy as-is.

Chapter Three: VS. Hydra

CHAPTER THREE: VS. HYDRA

“Trixie,” I said, as we headed into the Everfree Forest, “what kind of magic do you use?”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie's special talent involves manipulating light. Trixie is also a skilled illusionist and has dabbled a bit in enchanting.”

Olivia groaned from above us, swooping down to walk alongside us flightless ponies. “Trixie, a little self-confidence is good, but do you really have to refer to yourself in the third person? And as 'The Great and Powerful'?”

Trixie frowned shamefully. “Trix- I apologize. It's just... a habit.”
“Don't worry about it, RG has all sorts of weird quirks- that just makes you seem like a sociopath or something.”

I was about to wonder if she had used the term 'sociopath' correctly, when I realized that I didn't know what exactly a Hydra was. I got the feeling that it had something to do with water, and the adjective 'heady' came to mind. I was very confused, because I was rather certain that 'heady' had something to do with alcohol.

“Alright, I want some expositional dialogue on hydras.”
“You could just say “tell me about Hydras” or something, you know,” Olivia grumbled.

“Or you could have used 'info-dump' instead of 'expositional dialogue'. Much less of a mouthful,” Trixie said.

“Okay, let's see here,” Olivia muttered, before launching into a description that sounded like it should have been coming from a tiny red box-thing called “Dexter”.
“Hydra, the “Water Serpent” Monster.
The Hydra is found in lakes and other bodies of fresh water. The Hydra is thought by many to be a dragon with four heads, when it is in fact a snake that just happens to have two legs, a torso, and four heads that just so happen to resemble those of a dragon.
Also, the Hydra is orange, but also incredibly smelly, which is odd, because things that are orange are usually very not-smelly.
Not to be confused with the Warthog, Puma, or Chupa-thingy- the primary differences are: the Hydra does not have little hooks that look like tusks, is not made up, and does not enjoy eating goats, respectively.”

“That's funny,” Trixie said, “Trix- I could have sworn that Hydras loved goats.”
“Olivia, where did that come from?”

“Unlike some ponies, I actually read at the library,” she retorted. It is probably not worthy of note that she had flown upside down during her recital of the Hydra's expositional dialogue.

We stepped out of the trees and into a very unhygienic-looking swamp, which we did not notice was unhygienic-looking at the time because we found the Hydra- and it was fighting itself. Well, not so much fighting as 'each head glared at another head, so that each head was simultaneously glaring and being glared at'. It was especially distracting because it was easily twice the size of the tallest tree in the surrounding area (though the trees did get increasingly diminutive as we got closer and closer to the swamp).

“Celestia's mane,” Olivia swore.
“Bucking Tartarus,” Trixie swore.

“How dare he/they/it be so tall?!” I raged.
“If I bite me/ then I'll bite me/ and that'll mean I'll bite me/ and I'll end up biting me,” the Hydra rumbled to itself/each other.

“There's got to be a name for this,” one head lamented.
“IT'S CALLED AN APPLEOOSION STANDOFF!!!” Trixie shouted.

“Thanks, little speck,” another head replied, before the heads went back to arguing about something.
Olivia landed. “How are we supposed to kill this thing?”

“I'd suggest drowning... but we don't have nearly enough bowls to scoop up that much magma- not to mention the lack of magma.”

Trixie nodded. “You're right. There isn't a volcano for miles.”
Olivia rolled her eyes. “Usually, your plans amount to... how did you put it? Oh, right- “railgun to the face”- that's a quote, mind you, not a paraphrase.”

“Of course,” I agreed eagerly, “Railgun to the face! Why didn't I think of that earlier? It's foolproof.”

“The Great and Pow- I mean, I can manipulate light well enough to make a beam comparable to a high-powered laser,” Trixie said.

I turned to look Trixie in the eye. “You're a laser pony...” My heart fluttered. Not in the you're-gonna-die way, but in the metaphorical (mostly) and romantic way. “I think I'm in love.”

“And you were powerful enough to cancel a spell cast by Twilight Sparkle- she's an alicorn, and her special talent is magic!”

Olivia groaned. “As much as I approve you ceasing your asexual tendencies, could you two save the weird pseudo-romance crap for after we kill this big orange not-dragon?”

“Sure, yeah,” I said.
“Trix- I don't see why not,” Trixie concurred.

I used my super-unicorn telekinesis powers to lift a couple of coins- 'bits,' I reminded myself- from my saddlebags, and Trixie adjusted her wizard hat. Olivia pulled a battle-axe from her saddlebags, then wielded it -impressively- in her mouth.

“Okay,” I said, “Trixie and I will attack on three. Olivia, you can axe them whatever questions you want afterward.” I snickered at my pun.

“Everypony ready?” Olivia asked. Trixie and I nodded. “Alright... One... Two... THREE!”

I mentally thanked Princess Luna as I performed what I had just realized was my signature attack.

“Railgun” I stated, charging the coin and the air around it as was appropriate, in preparation for the attack, “SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!” The coin flew forth so quickly that it caused the air around it to burn with 'electrical fire', or... something like that. It was hard to tell- the coin moved so fast as to be invisible to the eye, and it had penetrated the head I had targeted before I was even aware of the fact that the attack had been successful.

Needless to say, I felt pretty froody, calling my attack like a professional (which, coincidentally, I was- I was getting paid to hunt monsters, after all). I readied the next coin in case I needed to fire, but Trixie's attack had happened already by the time I actually had it ready.

“PRISMATIC BEAM!” Trixie cried, shooting a rainbow lance of photons at one of the Hydra's heads- more specifically, the one that had been staring at the one that I had railgun'd.

The Hydra reeled from the combination money-and-rainbow-attack. Olivia went to town. “Alright... Let's do this! OOOOOOLLLIIIIIIIVIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAA!!! LLLLEEEEEAAAAFFF!!!” After her battle-cry that sounded suspiciously familiar to me, she proceeded to axe the Hydra a lot of questions, many of which would make an Ursa Major say “Whoa, dude, chill the buck out.” The coolest part is that she did it whilst there was a battle-axe bigger than her in her mouth.

'I learned something today.
You don't buck with Olivia.
She axes waaaayyy too many questions.'

After Olivia finished, we prepared a 'Viking-pony burial' for the orange not-a-dragon. I constructed the boat, Olivia sang battle hymns, and Trixie got the gruesome task of collecting 'proof of bounty' from the poor soul(s?).

When all of those things were done, the Viking-pony burial was performed. We ignited the Hydra's boat/pyre and pushed it off into the swamp, where it quickly ignited a gas bubble and exploded.

It was bucking awesome.
I did kinda feel bad about the mangled state my railgun attack had left the head I'd targeted in- at least Trixie had punched a clean hole through hers, killing it in a relatively clean-ish way.

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“RG,” Trixie said as she pitched her tent, “do you know what your cutie mark means? Trix- I mean, I'm curious; I know you don't remember how you got it, but... Tr-” She sighed. “I'm not quite certain what it's supposed to symbolize.”
I looked up from the campfire, which I had been staring at rather intently, only to offer her my best 'quizzical' look.

“My what-now?”
Olivia slapped a hoof into her forehead. “Your cutie mark. The symbol that appears on your flank when you first discover your special talent. You got yours when you were in that fancy magic school in Canterlot. Apparently, you were supposed to hatch a dragon egg with magic- you decided that the best way to “hatch” the egg was throwing a couple of bits at it.” Olivia chuckled. “To make a long story short, you accidentally discovered your 'railgun' thing.”

I looked back at my flank. It was two circles- they were... spirally and made up of a lot of lines- one was black, the other was white. They kind of merged together, but at the same time, they didn't. Lightning bolts passed through the centers of each circle, converged in the middle, and then went straight down as a single bolt.

“What the buck? I mean, the lightning makes sense, but what's up with the circle-thingies?”
Olivia shook her flank. “See, my cutie mark is simple- a battle-axe and an encyclopedia.”

I blinked several times. Then I blinked some more. “That,” I mused, “explains a lot.”
Trixie wiggled her flank. “Mine symbolizes magic,” she said. I couldn't tell you what her cutie mark actually was- I was rather distracted by the flank-wiggling.

I realized what I was staring at, and felt the blood running into my cheeks. 'Control yourself,' I thought, and I did. I directed my gaze to the sky, where the moon was hanging lazily, lighting the night to the point where a pony could see just well enough to get by.

“You should pitch your tent,” Olivia commented, “there's a storm scheduled for tomorrow morning.”

“Scheduled?”
Trixie and Olivia both shot me confused looks. “The pegasi who control the weather operate on a schedule, you know,” Olivia said, “they can't just make it rain all willy-nilly. Can you imagine that? How would anypony schedule anything?”

“I suppose they'd just have to risk it,” Trixie thought aloud.
I rummaged through my saddlebags. “Do I actually have a tent?”

Olivia thought for a moment. “No, actually.” She laughed awkwardly. “You must be a bad influence- it slipped my mind.”

“We could share,” Trixie suggested, “Trixie's- I mean, my tent was made with large earth ponies in mind. I bought it because it was at a discount.”

Olivia shrugged. “My tent was made for pegasi, so... unless you want to get really intimate with me...”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “You're quite large for a pegasus, aren't you?”
“Yeah, I'm about the same size as the average unicorn- meaning I'm quite a bit larger than RG.” She snickered. For some reason, that really offended me.

I levitated my bedding, which was essentially a fluffy blanket-thing, over to Trixie's tent. With only some mild rearrangements, we managed to fit both of our 'beds' into her tent side-by-side. The result was something like a two-pony 'bed'.

We slipped inside, and Trixie blushed and smiled at me, lighting the interior of the tent with her horn. “Could... could we sleep with our horns crossed?” She nervously faked a cough. “I mean... you don't have to if you don't want to, but-”

I tilted my head slightly to one side. “Why? Is it to keep us from accidentally stabbing one another with our horns?”

She shook her head. “I-it's romantic. Pegasi sleep side-by-side and cover each other with their wings, earth ponies sleep belly-to-back, and unicorns sleep with their horns crossed.”

I blushed. “O-oh... o-okay.” 'Wow, I thought, I sound even more nervous than she does... I should probably be pretty impressed with myself, but... this is happening really fast...'

“You're not very good at dealing with other ponies, are you? I mean- that whole ordeal with Twilight- Trixie's never seen her so... I don't know what to call it. Suspicious? Afraid?”

I frowned. “I don't know yet, not for sure- I haven't talked to all that many ponies... I get the feeling that I don't really fit in. I was trying to avoid telling her about... whatever it is that happened to me... but I didn't want to say with certainty that which I was uncertain of.”

“It seems to me that most ponies tend to state their thoughts and opinions as fact,” Trixie said, “no matter how informed they are on a subject. If they don't understand something, they tend to hate or fear it.”

“It almost sounds like a defense mechanism,” I noted, “rejecting things that are unfamiliar and unknown... like a survival instinct of some sort. They see that something is different, and their mind perceives it as being wrong and unnatural, so they shun or avoid it.”

Trixie nodded. “Like the Everfree Forest. It's a strange place filled with strange things- and ponies avoid it like the plague.”

“And they're probably right to do so. If we had fought that Hydra head-on, I don't know that we would have survived...”

“You're very smart, aren't you?”
I shrugged. “I think so. For all I know, I'm completely average, or insane, or... I don't even know. I feel like I make a lot of mistakes. I don't remember, but... it's like I have a sense of what I'm like, as if I am inherently aware of my ponyality... while simultaneously feeling like I have no clue.”

“You go for long periods of time without saying anything, or showing any sort of emotion at all,” Trixie said, “like when we were looking for the Hydra- you only started talking when we were almost to the swamp. Then, all of a sudden, you were really talkative, and very... quirky. I mean, who decides to give a Hydra a 'Viking-pony burial' out of the blue, anyways? You were completely serious afterward, and didn't say a thing until we got back to camp.”

“I dunno,” I admitted, “maybe I can only be interesting in spurts? You're right, though, now that I think about it- I go between extreme stoicism and extreme... whatever... almost spontaneously.”

“I wonder if you've always been like that, or it's a side-effect of your whole... ordeal.”
“Hmm...”

“We're quite the bunch, aren't we?”
“Yeah...” I agreed, as a thought occurred to me. “Why do- err, why did you speak in the third person?”

Trixie yawned, dispelling the glow from her horn. “Whoo, colt, is it late? I am exhausted.”
I took the hint- at least, I assumed it was a hint. “Yeah, I guess...” Honestly, the most strenuous thing I'd done that day was pushing the Hydra's pyre/boat off of the shore, and that wasn't much work.

I placed my horn on top of hers, and felt a strange connection. It was almost as if my horn was picking up on her horn's magic, and her horn was doing the same in return. It was... strangely intimate.

“Trixie will tell you about it later,” she whispered.
I was comforted by that, and I quickly fell asleep.

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“Sweet dreams, my little pony,” Princess Luna said, greeting me with a pleasant smile.
“Um... good night?”

She laughed. “It's confusing, I know.”
I was in the same black void as before, but it felt a lot less ominous, somehow. “You seem more upbeat than you were before, Princess,” I commented.

“That, my little pony, is because you have already exceeded my expectations.”
“What did I do?”

“You have already met another pony who is an echo of another, a shadow. You are like a magnet, drawing others like us to you. Your positive disposition towards Trixie proves it- you were comfortable around her, and she was comfortable too.”

“Trixie's... what exactly does that mean? I don't understand.”
Luna inclined her head gracefully. “You have met the pony she mirrors,” she said, “my sister's dearest student, Twilight Sparkle. They are as much alike as they are different. Think about it.”

I did, and she was right. “Where do ponies like us come from?”
“It is different every time. Twilight and Trixie are particularly interesting, in that both the reflection and the 'original' exist simultaneously. They earned their cutie marks at the same time, and both learned that their special talents were magic- their circumstances, however, were completely different. Trixie could be seen as an ironic version of Twilight, in a sense. While Twilight's talent caused her to quickly rise to the top, Trixie's talent very nearly doomed her to a dreadful fate.”

Luna beamed. “And then you came along. You changed her fate, just by meeting her. Nopony has ever done that before. And you did it without even trying!”

“How do you know I changed her fate? What if this was her fate all along?” I grimaced. “What is fate, really? I don't understand.”

“It is difficult to explain. Like my sister, I can... I can sense fate, in a way. I cannot see into the future, but I can sense how a pony's life is going to turn out- the overall tone, if you will. You changed Trixie's fate. I sensed a future of bitter sadness, and then...” The Moon Princess smiled coyly. “I think I'll let you find out on your own.”

I nodded, accepting that I'd rather experience my fate- I didn't see the fun in knowing beforehoof what would happen to me. A thought occurred to me. “Princess?”

“Yes?”
“Can you tell me about... well, me?”

“I suppose... you're very intelligent, and...” She frowned slightly. “You're a very unique pony. Hard to understand.” Her smile returned. “I am no therapist, but I'm sure that you could find one, if you feel that you need help.”

“No... I don't... I'm not- I'm not broken. I don't need someone to fix me, I just... I want to understand. I don't even remember who I was before. I don't know who I am, why I act the way I act- or even how I act.”

“Perhaps,” she said thoughtfully, “that is the trouble with being different. When there's nopony quite like you, there's nopony who can completely understand you.”

“That makes sense, but it doesn't really make me feel any better.”
“Everypony will probably expect a lot from you. When they learn that you're a genius, they think of genius ponies that they read about in books or see in shows- ponies with an IQ of “four-hundred” or “five-thousand” who are easily capable of performing ridiculous calculations in their minds, speak entirely in scientific jargon, remember everything that they have ever witnessed, and are so socially unaware that they can't even tell when somepony is insulting them.”

“And I'll disappoint them...”
“I don't think so. As much as you don't understand them- or yourself- they don't understand you. It's not ideal, but you should be as civil and friendly with them as you now with me. If anypony messes with you, ignore them- if they become violent... well, I think you should probably avoid retaliation if at all possible... you carry yourself like a fighter, and I think you're devious enough to fight unfairly if you please. I'd lecture you on self-control next, but I think you're probably the last pony who needs a lecture on that... and I'm probably the worst pony to get that lecture from.”

“Why's that?”
“... I think it would be best if we avoided talking about it. It's a bit of a touchy subject for me.”

“Oh. Sorry,” I said sheepishly.
“Don't worry about it,” she said. “You don't remember, and that makes these conversations far easier than they would be if you did...” She paused. “No,” she amended, “I don't think that's true. You don't seem like the type to judge somepony on their past, let alone rumors and stories.”

“I don't know anypony's past yet, Princess,” I pointed out, “and I haven't heard any rumors or stories about anypony yet, either.”

Princess Luna yawned. “Well, I'm rather tired. We'll talk again tomorrow night- same time, same place.” She giggled.

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Author's Note

Chapter three!
And that's pretty much all I have to say.

Chapter Four: Preparing for the Next Job

CHAPTER FOUR:
PREPARING FOR THE NEXT JOB

“UP AND AT 'EM! IT'S MORNING!”
I was suddenly very painfully aware that Olivia was shouting at me.
Then, I realized that I was actually painfully aware that I was not a morning pony.

I forced my eyes open, and saw that Trixie was looking just as disoriented and confused as I thought I probably looked. She groaned, and I followed suit. “Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy-” I moaned, before my brain switched tactics without so much as telling me (it was very rude). “Seven-and-a-half more minutes,” I pleaded, and, succumbing to the state of being awake, I managed to say, “better yet, three more days.”

Olivia sighed. “What am I, your mother? Can't anypony other than myself get up in the morning without making a big deal of it?”

“I'm sorry, mommy,” I lied, “I'll be a good little filly! I promise!”
Trixie and I wriggled out of the tent, somehow, and Olivia met us with a grimace. “Be glad I decided to make some coffee,” she said, gesturing to a pot in the fire, “we need to head into town today.”

Trixie poured two cups of coffee and levitated one to me. “Do we really need to go to Ponyville? I don't have a single fond memory of the place.”

“Have you ever spent the night there? The accommodations are awful,” I deadpanned, “you practically have to sleep standing up.”

“I still can't believe Twilight would do that,” Trixie said, “we're not friends by any definition of the word, but she's not a pony who I'd expect to go to such drastic measures over something she's only suspicious about...”

“Well, unless you guys took down that Hydra for free, you're gonna come with me to collect the bounty. We could also do with getting some more supplies. RG, you should probably find a more economic source of ammunition- using bits is kinda ridiculous. Trixie, you should probably find-”

“A bigger tent,” Trixie said excitedly, “and maybe some supplies for enchanting...”
Olivia rolled her eyes. “I was going to suggest that you pick up a tent for RG to use, but if the tent-sharing thing is going to happen every night, then I guess that's the best option...”

I noticed that the ground wasn't particularly wet, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. “Wasn't it supposed to rain?”

Olivia nodded. “It was supposed to, but it didn't. I was hoping to go and see what the problem is later today, actually.”

“Oh! Maybe I should see how much nails cost,” I wondered aloud, “nails are probably pretty cheap, right? And, as a bonus, they're pointy.”

Trixie grinned. “Point taken.”
Olivia groaned. “Celestia's mane, I'm surrounded by crazy ponies.”

“Technically,” I corrected her, “we only surround you on one side.” Trixie was sitting between Olivia and I, so I stood and darted around the fire, taking the long route to illustrate my point, and ending with Trixie and I on either side of our winged companion, leaving her with only two points of escape (and one of them was definitely less preferable than the other, because it happened to be on fire).

Trixie laughed. “She's a pegasus,” she stated, rendering my flanking maneuver pointless (heh heh), “we'd need some ropes to keep her down before we could flank her.”

“Don't worry,” Olivia droned, “if we had rope, I'd use it to hang myself first.”
“From what? If there was something overhead that you could hang yourself from, then you wouldn't be able to escape that way, so we wouldn't need the ropes.”

Trixie nodded. “This mare speaks the truth.”
“How long before that coffee kicks in and you're awake enough to trick everypony into believing you're at least relatively sane?”

“You've known me longer than I have,” I said, “you tell me.”
Olivia made a distressed face. “I can't even tell if you've started making sense or not.”

“You know what they say,” Trixie said, “when in doubt...” Trixie frowned. “Wait, how does that saying go again?”

I shrugged, suddenly feeling very... monotone. I spent all of two seconds that way. I spasmed a little as the coffee did its job, and a quick glance at Trixie told me that she was doing the same- albeit with a slight shiver instead of spasms.

“I believe it is “When in doubt, caffeine!” or something to that effect,” Olivia said cheerfully.

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The mayor of Ponyville smiled at me. She had glasses, but the lenses were only semi-circles. Her mane was gray, and her coat was a light brown color. I don't know what her cutie mark was, because I don't go around staring at the flank of every mare I meet.

“Your exploits are truly amazing,” she said, “here is your reward.” She hoofed me a rather large sack of bits. She paused as she did so, because, as an earth pony, she had to use her mouth to hold the bag.

I levitated the bag of money into my saddlebags. 'What does she mean by “exploits”, anyways? We killed a Hydra. One Hydra. For money. That's one exploit. Singular.'

“Three thousand bits, as advertised.”
Olivia stepped forward a bit.“Do you have any more bounties available?”

The mayor thought for a moment. “Yes, I believe we do.” She turned and plucked a piece of paper, crisp and slightly brown, off of her desk (with impressive dexterity- when you consider the fact that she did it with her mouth), then presented it to us. Trixie levitated it in front of Olivia, who read it.

“Kobolds... hmm.” Olivia looked at Trixie. “Twenty-thousand bits to 'deal with' a small tribe of Kobolds- apparently, they've been raiding farms and homes near the Everfree Forest.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “That's... a lot of money.” She met my curious gaze. “That's... five-thousand bits is enough to buy a pony a nice little house.”

“Nice,” I said, “that means I could buy ton of other, cooler stuff!” I frowned. “Wait, how would we split twenty-thousand three ways?” Before I could ask anymore questions, I picked up on the mayor's less-than-eager expression, Trixie's conflicted countenance, and the face that Olivia made the last time she provided expositional dialogue.

“Olivia, please encyclopedia me,” I said, now feeling very curious. “I am just realizing that 'raiding' is something that involves planning- or at least coordination- and a desire for material... stuff.”

“Kobolds- the 'probably-sentient tiny bipedal lizard' monsters

“Kobolds are believed to be intelligent by most everypony. They are clever little carnivores who use traps and weapons- which they hold in their small, scaly hoofs with their vicious little opposable thumbs- to capture and kill their prey. Kobolds appear to form small, tribal cultures, each of which has its own language. This diversity of language, combined with the small size of their tribes- each tribe may have fifteen to thirty members- makes them very difficult to study and understand, let alone negotiate with.

“Most Kobold tribes are ferociously territorial, and will attack any creature foolish enough to enter their territory, to the point that they would sooner be slaughtered than allow anypony to trespass. The trouble with this is that Kobolds, while believed to be 'intelligent' and 'clever', tend to be quite stupid, reckless, and aggressive.

“All of these factors have contributed to a rapid decline in Kobold population, because the ponies that travel through Kobold territory are generally tough adventurers or other, similarly formidable ponies.”

I grimaced. “Essentially, you're telling me that we're expected to do one of two things. One: we somehow negotiate and make peace with a viciously territorial race of lizard-” I paused, not sure what the word I was looking for was.

“People,” the mayor said helpfully, “groups of non-ponies are called 'people'.”
I nodded. “...lizard-people who use traps and weapons to defend their homes and raid ponies' homes and farms, or, two: hunt down and kill a tribe of fifteen to thirty sentient lizard-people.”

Olivia nodded. “We knew it wouldn't be glamorous when we decided to become monster hunters,” she said, “but this is our job, too. Either way, if we don't do something, it'll just get worse.”

“I was planning on using my cut to get us some nice, enchant-able gear- you know, to help us do our job whilst also improving my enchanting... I might be able to make something that'll help,” Trixie said, “I'll look into it.”

“I'll go by the library, see if I can't learn any magic that might help...” I sighed. “I'll do that after I've done everything else I can think of.”

“I... I think I'm gonna invest in some armor,” Olivia said uneasily, “you know... just in case.” She paused. “RG, in the decade I've known you, you've never failed to do something ridiculous and cause everything to turn out fine. You're pretty good at making things, especially things that can be used to harm other things. You might be able to whip up something that'll impress the Kobolds- I'm sure that they're just as susceptible to bribes as dragons.”

I looked at her with my what-did-you-just-say face. “Are you implying that I've bribed a dragon before?”

“I said dragons. Plural. As in, you have successfully bribed dragons several times in the past.”
I frowned. “I don't buy it. I'm not charismatic enough for that.”

“I never said you smooth-talked them. I said you bribed them. You've just always had something that amazed them enough to want it.”

“What kind of weapons do the Kobolds use?”
“... I think they use little spears.”

I frowned. “And they hunt? That sounds difficult... can they use magic?”
“Nopony's ever witnessed a Kobold using any sort of magic.”

Trixie giggled. “I sense that there is mischief ahoof.”
Olivia grimaced. “Really? What do you think we should do about it?”

I grinned as the ideas coalesced in my mind. “We make the mischief.”
Olivia gave a relieved-sounding groan/sigh. It sounded pretty weird. “Well, you heard 'em, miss mayor,” she said, “we'll take the job.”

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I exited the hardware store approximately a hundred bits lighter, though the several boxes of nails and the two-pony tent probably offset the weight loss pretty effectively. The fact that my saddlebags were 'saddle-bags of holding' rendered the whole point moot, but I like to spice up the narrative from time to time.

'I should probably get a hatchet,' I thought, 'I'll need to be able to cut wood and stuff to make... weapon stuff... now, where do I get a hatchet?' I turned around and went back into the hardware store to 'bury the hatchet'.

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Twenty bits (and a really really awkward exchange with the storekeeper that resulted in her giving me her address for some reason) later, I realized something. 'Houses are either really cheap, or really small... Or maybe hatchets are expensive?' I shrugged. 'I don't really have anything else I can do to avoid the library,' I thought, 'which means that I'm gonna have to mare up and deal with it. After all, I'd rather deal with whatever Twilight Sparkle's problem is than murder fifteen to thirty probably-intelligent-beings.'

I made my way to the library at a decent pace- I wasn't taking my time, but I wasn't in a rush to see the 'library princess', either. Judging from the book I'd written to myself, alicorns were, essentially, physical goddesses. Immortal, incredibly powerful, and loved by pretty much everypony- Celestia more so than Luna and the others, because she was apparently the most powerful of them all.

I decided that it was only fair to not be over-eager to encounter a physical goddess that I had already displeased.

I reached the library without any trouble. Just when I was about to be thoroughly disappointed with the lack of diversions, the door to the library swung open and a rainbow shot out. I managed, somehow, to mostly dodge the mysterious rainbow. Unfortunately for my left hind leg, close only counts in shoes and spells or explosives that are potent enough to be effective over a sufficiently large area.

'Wow,' I thought, 'no wonder Trixie's Prismatic Beam spell was so powerful. Rainbows hurt.' I then realized that the cyan pegasus with the rainbow mane and cutie mark that was a cloud releasing a bolt of rainbow-lightning.

The rainbow-in-mare-form groaned, then shook her head. “Sorry!” She began to grope at the ground around her, searching for something. My super-detective skills told me that it was probably a book, because the primary source of books is the library, and the mare probably wouldn't have gotten a book anywhere else! So, logically, it was the only possible answer.

'Wait a second, that didn't make any sense,' I thought, 'I must have logic-ed before, without even realizing it.' I shrugged- it didn't matter anyways- the book that had landed on my head was not a book that I possessed before, which meant that it was probably the book the pegasus had dropped.

I levitated the book over to her, and she blushed. “I- I was picking this up for a friend! I'M NOT AN EGGHEAD!”

I blinked as she flew away so fast that she exceeded the speed of sound-and/or-rainbow. I could tell that she had exceeded the speed of rainbow because she caused a 'sonic rainboom'- which I somehow knew was the result of breaking the aforementioned speed of sound-and/or-rainbow barrier.
“Hmm,” I said to myself, “since she didn't want me to think her an egghead...” I laughed far more evilly than was appropriate for anything less than stomping a pile of puppies whilst simultaneously setting a box of orphaned kittens on fire. Nonetheless, I laughed like a maniacal, puppy-stomping, kitten-burning monster.

In all of my evil laughter, I forgot to actually state my evil plan. I amended that.“I shall call her “Miss Egghead” the next time I encounter her!”

With that, I decided that I had done enough evil for the day, and walked into the library like a bat out of Tartarus.
Very politely.
'It seems very strange that bats from the underworld are known for their politeness,' I thought, 'but I don't think I'd lie to myself...' I frowned. '… Would I?'

“Oh, it's you!” I was pretty sure that I recognized the voice as belonging to Twilight Sparkle, but she didn't sound nearly as unpleasant as she should have. I was also pretty sure that the purple alicorn that looked exactly like Twilight Sparkle was, in fact, Twilight Sparkle, but she didn't look very upset, either. In fact, she looked... apologetic? I wasn't certain. I had never been very good at reading facial expressions, according to Olivia.

“Listen, RG... I'm sorry about the way I acted before. Princess Luna sent me a letter explaining everything. I'm sure that must have been horrible, not knowing what was going on, then being magically held in place for almost a day...”

'In all honesty,' I thought, 'it wasn't really that bad. If it hadn't happened, I'd have been stuck doing research.' I didn't say what was on my mind, of course.

“Don't worry about it. I was still learning how to walk anyways.”
She recoiled. “That doesn't make me feel any better about it. In fact, that makes it feel a lot more like you were completely helpless.”

I shrugged. “I get the feeling that I used to be pretty good in a physical confrontation. I just don't really remember how to do it anymore.” I chuckled. “And that's another reason I'm glad to have Olivia around.”

“Um... do you wanna have some tea or something?”
“I kinda came here to do some research, actually.”

“Kobolds- more specifically, how to avoid slaughtering them.”
Twilight sighed. “You really lost all of your memories, didn't you? Sorry, it's just... a bit hard to truly understand... I'll have Spike make us some tea.” She turned to face the stairway and shouted “SPIKE! I NEED TEA!”

“WHAT KIND?!” Came the reply.
“THE REALLY DIFFICULT EXPLANATION KIND!”

“ALRIGHT!”
Twilight turned back to me. “Come on,” she said softly. Her capacity to go from shouting like that to being calm and patient was a little jarring. “This is probably going to be easier to take sitting down.” She led me to a room on the other side of the tree/building. Everything was wooden, and the table in the center of the room appeared to have been carved out like the rest of the room- as if whoever had been doing the carving had said to themselves, 'This last bit would make for a good table if I just rounded it out a bit, and I won't have to work as much.'

She levitated two cushions out of a receptacle cut into the wall, then placed them across the table from one another.

We sat.
“I don't like that I have to be the one to tell you this, but... I feel that I owe you at least this much...” she cleared her throat. “You killed a Hydra yesterday, right?”

I nodded.
“You've already killed a sentient being, then,” she said.

I frowned. I wanted to deny it, but I knew she was right. It was speaking. In the same language I speak. I couldn't say anything. There was nothing to say.

“Part of what makes a lot of monsters so dangerous is their intelligence. Think about it.”
I did.

“The ability to think is a powerful one. A Kobold- a tiny little lizard-person- is about as dangerous as a gigantic bucking bear. Because a Kobold can think.” She waited, as if letting that sink in. “The other reason that a Kobold is as dangerous as a bear, is the fact that Kobolds are evil. Kobolds don't care about ponies. They don't care about their own kind, either. A Kobold serves itself, and lives in a tribe with other Kobolds because it is smart enough to know that it would die if it didn't. A Hydra is even worse- Hydra enjoy exerting their dominance. It's disturbingly common for a Hydra to go on a killing rampage, laughing and having a good time while slaughtering an innocent little everything-in-its-path.”

She paused again. “You wanted to find a magical means of deterring the Kobolds, right?”
Against my better judgment, I nodded.

“Imagine you're a Kobold. You love yourself, and you enjoy killing things, setting up traps so you can torture things, kill them, and possibly eat them- you're also pretty fond of those shiny things you sometimes steal. Then, along comes a unicorn. She casts a spell that forces you to bend to her standards of morality, and denies you all of the things you love. She violates your mind, warps your reality into some twisted nightmare, all because she didn't want to just kill you.”

I shuddered.
“I assume you had a backup plan, too?”

“We were going to bribe them with better tools for hunting.”
“That seems nice, until you realize that they would immediately go and use these new weapons to raid ponies' homes and farms- if they were good enough, they might even start hunting ponies.”

“So, killing them is really the only solution.”
“Yes. Believe me, RG, other ponies have tried, but monsters are called monsters for a reason. The only disadvantages of a world without monsters would be that monster hunters would be out of a job.”

“...Alright.”
“You don't have to like it. In fact, I'm glad you don't. If you were out killing the monsters for the fun of it... well, she who slays monsters must be careful that she herself does not become one. Believe it or not, evil is a constant force in Equestria. It corrupts, destroys, brings ponies to ruin... ponies are a happy race because, as a whole, we are ignorant of the danger surrounding us. And, believe it or not, it is that happiness that keeps us safe... usually.”

A small lizard walked into the room. He was purple, with green spines that reminded me of a mohawk. Had he not been carrying tea stuff, I would probably have freaked the buck out.

Twilight laughed nervously. “I guess the tea came a little late.”
A teacup was placed before me and filled with tea. “Thank you,” I said. I levitated the cup to my mouth and drank.

“Wow,” I said, “I never knew I disliked tea so much.”

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Olivia stood patiently at the counter in the coffee shop- I arrived just in time to hear her order. Lucky me. “I like my coffee like I like my mares- strong, dark, a tad bitter- but with enough sugar to offset it, preferably large, and- if at all possible- pipin' hot.”

The mare who operated the coffee shop was obviously taken aback by Olivia's strange rant about her bizarre tastes- in both mares and coffee. Despite her discomfort, the barista pony made a large coffee that (I assume, as I have never actually asked) met all of Olivia's expectations.

I looked up at the clock hanging over the coffee-mare's work space. Both of the hooves of the clock were pointing straight up, at the overly-fancy rendition of the number twelve. 'It's probably noon- the atmosphere here is way too lunch-y for it to be midnight. Also, the sun was almost directly overhead when I was outside, and that was, like, thirty seconds ago, tops.'

For some reason, I had an easier time figuring out what time it was from the sun's position in the sky than any clock- though I wouldn't learn this for awhile yet.

Olivia sat on a cushion at a small table- Trixie, I noticed, was there as well. She had a book open, and appeared to be reading it intently. After a moment, I decided that it would probably be better to leave them be- I didn't feel like drinking coffee, and I wanted some alone time, to think about the whole 'monsters are usually sentient, but always evil' thing. 'The Hydra wasn't a problem because it was obvious that it could be dangerous, and it was so evil that it couldn't even get along with its own heads. Kobolds... I haven't seen one before, and I don't know what they're like... hopefully, I'll find them sufficiently threatening to free my conscience and allow me to slaughter them like dogs- vicious, rabid dogs.'

On that happy note, I started my adventure around Ponyville.
And, by 'adventure', I mean 'walk'.

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“I'm sorry, Derpy,” said a pink unicorn mare, “but I can't stay.” The mare in question had a light brown mane, eerie green eyes, and a cutie mark that appeared to be a muffin. The mare she was talking to was a gray pegasus with yellow hair and matching eyes, though her eyes were pointing opposite directions. She was, for some reason, ridiculously adorable.

“Please, CC, don't go...” begged the pegasus. I wasn't sure if Derpy was her name, or a nickname. She was too adorable for me to actually care, though.

“I wish I didn't have to go, Derpy, I really do. But I told you I couldn't stay a long time ago. I can feel the weave of fate tugging at me, pulling me to my destiny.”

Derpy made a determined face. “I understand...”
“... The face you're making right now tells me that either you don't, or I haven't gotten to know you nearly as well as I thought.”

“You can go, Cupcake... because I'll come with you!”
“Derpy...” Cupcake sighed. “I can't do that to you. I can't drag you along on a dangerous journey- let alone take you away from the ponies who love you.”

Derpy crossed her fore-hooves across her torso, her wings rotated in their sockets in a very fascinating way to accommodate the shift in her flight posture. “Ponyville is full of wonderful ponies, and I'm sure that they're all good friends... but they're not good friends of mine.”

Both of them stopped. “You're serious about this, aren't you, Derpy?”
“You're my best friend.”

Cupcake smiled. “I'm glad to hear that.” She looked directly at me, which made me realize that I'd been eavesdropping- worse, I'd been eavesdropping very conspicuously. “Derpy, I need you to go to Zecora's hut, on the outskirts of the Everfree Forest. I want you to roll around in the blue flowers there, then rest with Zecora... can you do that?”

Derpy nodded. “I won't let you down!”
Cupcake nodded. “I know. That's actually kind of the point, if I'm honest... now, go, Derpy... I have somepony to talk to.”

Her green eyes flashed in a very unnerving way as Derpy flew off, tumbling through the air clumsily.

My eyes followed Derpy for a moment before looking back at where Cupcake had been just a moment before.

That she had moved didn't surprise me.

That she had silently closed the gap between us in the moment I looked away... that surprised me.

In fact, it surprised me a lot. “Hello,” she said, her voice dropping to a harsh whisper, “I want to join you and your friends.”

I coughed- not a real cough, one of those nervous fake ones that you do to show everypony that you're nervous. “Umm... I... well, what is it that you do?”

“That... depends. What exactly is it that your group does?”
I frowned. 'Is she one of the shadow/echo/whatever ponies that Princess Luna was talking about? Is this going to happen often? … Why else would she ask to join us without knowing what it is we do?'

“We're monster hunters. We just accepted a job to go and take care of a tribe of Kobolds in the Everfree Forest.”

“... Very well. I shall meet you there- you'll see just what it is I do.”
I frowned. “Don't do anything rash- I'd really rather not have somepony going and getting killed. I don't need that on my conscience, too.”

“Don't you worry about me... just look for the green eyes. You'll understand.”
“Okay,” I said, taking into consideration her ninja abilities, “I'll believe you. You did just move far faster than I had previously thought was reasonably possible, after all.”

“I teleported. It's a basic spell. All unicorns learn basic teleportation as part of their standard curriculum- just like pegasi learn to fly around with their fore-hooves crossed all day, and earth ponies learn how to tone their flanks and thighs or... whatever it is earth ponies do to be so... sinewy.”

“Teleportation, eh?” I set a new goal for myself. “TO THE LIBRARY!”

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“Wow,” Twilight said, “I'm impressed, RG. You've read through all of the beginner-level spellbooks in...” she looked at a piece of paper that she was levitating in front of her face, “a little over three hours.”

Spike, her baby dragon assistant, gaped. “What?! There are like, eight!”
I nodded. “Yes, but they're beginner-level spellbooks. I only learned the spells that actually have any sort of potential usage at all. Teleporation, Improved Telekinesis, Remote Ignition, Detect Evil, Transmute to Iron...” I grimaced. “And plenty of others. What I wanna know is, why do little foals need to know how to transmute things to iron or light things from far away?”

Twilight shrugged. “I know the implications seem... unfortunate... but these are the basis for more advanced magics- Remote Ignition, for example, only really works on something that's quite flammable. It also happens to be the basis for spells like Fireball and Chain Lightning- the energy focusing is very similar, and having the ability to tell a student to cast it the same way as a spell they've known their entire life makes it much simpler.”

“Transmute to Iron just seems to be way to convenient, though... I mean, Iron is pretty much the basis of my offense- I don't even need to buy it anymore.”

“And it's far better to teach little fillies and colts to make things into Iron than, say, Plutonium.”
I shrugged. “I know, but... it just seems like it's too easy.”

“That's because you're reading grade school-level spellbooks.”
“Why do I not like where this is going?”

“Because you're staying here and studying until your friends come and get you! And that's final!”

“BUT MS. TWILIGHT-”
“Ahem. That's Ms. Princess Twilight to you, little filly.”

“FINE!”
“So it is.”

Spike clutched at his head. “WHAT IS GOING ON?!”
I pouted at him. “Ms. Princess Twilight thinks that I need an ehjahmacashun, for some reason,” I whined.

Spike sighed. “I don't understand anything.”
I levitated the first book of the Anything series. “You've gotta start small, my young padawan.”

“And you had better start reading the intermediate level spellbooks, young mare,” Twilight said sternly, telekinetically brandishing a yardstick in a way that was far more intimidating than it probably should have been.

“Looks like you've gotta start small, 'young mare',” Spike said in a mocking tone.
“You know,” I said, “There are times that I'm really glad that I blew up my dragon egg exam...” I didn't remember it, of course, but I remembered that Olivia told me, and I needed to put Spike in his place.

“Spike, didn't you say that you would dust the shelves this morning?”
“... Strange,” the dragon muttered, “I... feel a sudden urge... to dust those shelves.”

“You bet your scaly, purple hide you do...” Twilight grumbled. I giggled at the baby dragon as he bolted fearfully from the room. “Don't you laugh at him!” She swatted me with the yardstick. “Get to reading!”

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Author's Note

The formatting doesn't seem to want to convert properly- I don't know what to do about it.
I apologize for the apparent lack of polish- thoughts won't be italicized, but there's not much else I can think of that won't be preserved... At least fimfiction recognizes indentation...