Drinking too many beers can be a real pain. The only thing is that you get real close with the toilet. Actually, that's worse. This one smelled like shit... which shouldn't be a surprise.
That's what I get for going to my first college party. I told my parents, “Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be clean my freshman year. You know me better than that!” I honestly believed myself, too.
Then I went to college. Things change, people. What can I say?
So here I am, becoming close friends with the toilet—or as I named him, Arnold—as I hurl chunks of today's food. I won't go into too much detail; just that it smells and I wished I hadn't even gone here.
I sob a little as I back away from the porcelain bowl. What has my life become? My parents are going to kill me! Even a drop, and they threatened to take me out of school, afraid I'd change or something. And my grades... ooh, they are not pretty, to say the least. I wanted to major in engineering. I wanted to do so much, and now I'm hurling in a shit bowl.
Oh, I hate feeling the angst, but it happens! I can't control it, nor the tears that fall down my face. And no one notices. Angst, angst, angst, angst... and as I think this, imagine me hitting my head against the wall, because I'm doing that.
In fact, I do it enough, combined with my high alcohol consumption levels, that I immediately fall onto the bathroom floor and pass out. I fall into swirls of darkness, and it's not like usually passing out. Not that I've fallen unconscious from drinking before, so maybe that's it. Either way, I don't like this feeling.
And yet I don't get this feeling. Wouldn't I be unconscious right now? As in, dreaming or at least in some sort of twilight? If so, am I ever going to get there? I want to dream about happiness and daisies and... geez, I'm turning into my sister.
It doesn't take long before I wake up to painful bright lights. Painful as in I nearly blind myself. I shut my eyes again for several minutes, wondering what I woke up to.
Opening them again, I realize it's not only extremely freaking bright, but colorful. Like it's animated. Did I also trip acid and not even know? This night is just getting more fucked up.
I shake my head and realized I do not have a hangover. Success! Take that, assholes! That wasn't so bad. Wait until I tell my friends, once I wake up from this... whatever the hell it is. Now, I'm going to try to figure out what this place is called, or I'll make up a name for this place.
I levitate off of the ground, hearing a small buzz behind me. Okay, so I can fly. I want to look at my wings, but I can't turn around. That sound totally normal, but at this point, I know I'm dreaming. If I did have one super power, it would be to fly... that, and sneak into people's dreams and tell them the internet died. Sounds hilarious.
But I honestly don't know. I feel as if everything is way too big. That tree could easily crush me, and that pony has a high chance of stepping on me if I'm not careful.
Wait, PONY?!
The realization hits me hard. Oh, no. I shudder as I try to calm myself. I've read enough of this shit that I know what's going on. I try to get a good look at myself, but to no avail. Maybe there's a puddle or lake nearby. I have to know what I've turned into, and it better be good. I think of all the animals I've seen in the show and try to figure out how many there are, thinking as to what I'd be. I'm having trouble figuring it out, but hopefully this pony can help me.
I race over to her with my new wings, which is so cool, but the fear of being in such a situation terrifies me. I don't want to go on any adventure in Ponyville or anything. I'd love to meet the ponies, but Celestia knows what I'll end up doing, like saving the world. I can't even do the laundry; how can I save ponies from demons?!
“A parasprite?!” a pony behind me shrieks certainly not with a voice I'd recognized. If it is a background pony, well, that'd explain it.
I turn around, thinking of the episode with all those damned parasprites. They were just insane little bastards, eating everything and sprouting babies in seconds. I hope they don't start anything, just when I got here! I wanted to talk to ponies, not deal with infestations.
At the sight of the pony, who turned out to be Roseluck (wait until I tell my best friend I met her!), I wonder where the parasprite is. I mean, all she is doing is looking at me with a bit of horror in her eyes. She backs away once our eyes meet.
“Not again! Nooooo!” she cries and runs away in a scared voice, one that tells me she's recalling the last parasprite infestation. Wait, I wanted an autograph for my friend!
Wait, why did she run away? Where's the parasprite? I look all around me, yet there is none. I hurry at breakneck speed to a lake nearby.
Where my reflection ought to be is a purple ball of puffiness and enough adorableness to cause twenty men to “get diabetes.” Its big green eyes blink in disbelief at the reflection, and when I try to get closer to it or move from left to right, it follows me. It finally hits me when I scream, and not only does its mouth open, too, but out comes such a high pitched, squeaky voice. Its more squeaky than my human voice! But that's the least of my problems right now!
Oh fuck me. I'm... a parasprite.
Of all things, whoever the hell that decides what you become when a human jumps into Equestria thought I would be a good parasprite? Either they were as drunk as I was, or I'm dreaming. Either way, that person/entity/whatever will suffer. I'd pinch myself or even just hit myself, but my appendages are all the way down at my butt!
From the looks of it, I'm in the park, not too far from the center of Ponyville. Maybe I can contact Twilight or one of the Mane Six so they can help me. Maybe use some Elements of Harmony shit and fix me up! Screw parasprites, I can't take this any longer! I just realized how little distance I flew and suddenly hated the idea even more.
It takes WAY too long to head to Ponyville, and I go pony hunting. I imagine a parasprite with a camo helmet, maybe with writing like in Full Metal Jacket. Too cute! But not “Born to Kill.” That sounds too rough; the day I kill ponies is the day I eat a puppy. Maybe “Born to Get the Hell Out of Equestria.” That'd at least help ponies realize I don't belong here.
Finally, I find a pony! Yay! Me Parasprite earn twenty experience points!
“Please, I need help!” I plead to the pony as I glide down towards her. I don't care who it is, anypony would be fantastic as long as they don't freak out and run.
She doesn't hear me, so I try a bit louder. “I'm a human stuck in a parasprite's body! How 'bout you help a gal and get someone to at least change me to something cool? Like a griffon. Those are freakin' awesome!” I was about to go on when I stared at the pony's face.
First off, I realized it was best pony. And even though she loves creatures, she doesn't seem to understand me. She just tilts her head at me, observing me. “Oh, my! A parasprite! I-I... I know! I should get Twilight! Or Pinkie Pie! Either of them will stop anything from happening.”
She trots away from me before I could stop her. Okay, communication with ponies is out... at least when it comes to talking. I travel through the rest of Ponyville, until I could find someplace where I can get help myself.
Meanwhile, I enjoy the scenery. It certainly looks pretty. I mean, fake obviously, but nice. Every pony from the show, background or not, doing random things from buying stuff in the markets to chatting with other ponies. It's like any other town... without all the hobos or thugs lurking. That, and sluts. Lots of sluts. This only makes me glad I'm here and not anywhere near there. The atmosphere is so simple yet strangely beautiful. I close my eyes and let the peacefulness drift through me.
Once I get near Twilight's house, I suddenly feel a wave of nausea, just like that. What a way to destroy my happiness, world! My eyes widen, and I try not to panic, stopping immediately in my spot. I forget Twilight and shake. Oh, man! My hangover came with me into Equestria now! I feel a trembling and before I know it, I throw up...
Another parasprite? Oh, right.
Still, eww. Did I just give birth? Aww, I told everyone I knew I'd wait until after college. Well, considering there's no college for parasprites—that I know of—I guess it doesn't count here. Either way, that just feels weird. I now have a son, and I don't know what to do with him. I just stare at him, wondering what he'll do next.
He flickered his wings at me. His brilliant white fur was not like mine, but that's okay. I regurgitated him; I'm certain he's mine, unless he gets a birth certificate to say otherwise.
“Can you speak? Can you understand me?” I ask, hoping we have communication of sorts, else I'll go nuts. You know, more nuts than a girl who woke up from getting drunk in a parasprite body in Equestria. As it stands, I need to sign up for an asylum already!
“Yes, mother.” His voice is clear and slow.
“Okay, don't call me mother, or I'll eat you. I'll call you... Harold.”
“What kind of name is that?” He quirks his eyebrows at me; too cute! I nearly squeal. I kind of wish these things were real in the human world; you know, minus eating all of our shit and making babies every five minutes.
“A name!” I respond with a snarl. Do parasprites have teeth? Because you think they would.
“And what is your name?”
“Umm...” Oh, I just realized. I forgot my name. Geez. Okay, be Mary Sue-ish as possible. Since I'm a parasprite, I may as well enjoy being some sort of OC. “Sexy Bitch!”
“Okay, your name is now Sexy Bitch to all parasprites.” He sounds like a male Suri, automatic and with no emotion whatsoever. I don't mind. At least he doesn't sound like a douche. I hate voices like that.
The good news? I have a new friend. And he does more of the barfing children for me. I'm done with that; it's just too much. Being a parasprite in a world of ponies? Nah, that's fine. Besides, I missed the best part of being a parasprite, the very thing that we had in common. Now I had the chance while my brethren created more of us.
I find the nearest table where ponies are eating and take their food, right into my mouth. They gape and soon scream at the little demon that is this cute puffball.
The food just disappears. It's so weird! Like, I never ate. I'm still hungry, so I go for the next sucker with a delicious lunch. I lick my lips and hope for some chocolate... and Doritos! The latter is less likely, but a gal can dream.
Before I know it, Ponyville has fallen into chaos. Ponies running amok, parasprites everywhere. I created the next Baby Boom, pretty much, even if I only had one child. Oh, well. It was worth it. I found cakes, cookies, and lots of other sweets. I would say “I feel fat,” but I don't, because I'm a parasprite.
I can get used to this.
When I turn around, an ocean of colors welcomes me. Millions of tiny puffballs are staring at me. I rise into the air and absorb the attention. I feel so powerful; if only I wasn't so damn tiny.
They help me feel better, though. “Sexy Bitch, we are at your command! We take your lead!”
So parasprites have form of government? I had no idea. Sound boring, but all I hear is “I'm queen! YES!” I have the biggest smile on my face, enough to take over most of it.
And what happens when irresponsible people take some form of power? They abuse the shit out of it, of course. I'm not going to be the exception, either. I clear my tiny throat to announce our next move.
“We take over Ponyville, take all of their food! So long as I get enough, we will be fine for the time being. And then? All of Equestria! THEN THE WORLD!” Those who say Equestria is the world... it isn't. And what I say is right, because I'm queen, bitches!
We take over the streets. It's like the first swarm all over again, only this time, I rule it! I'll make sure they don't destroy homes, because that's not needed. They just need to know not to screw with us, and we'll only do it if it's absolutely necessary, or if I say so. I feel so powerful and strong, leading a hungry army of little demons. I never felt so alive! I love it! I laugh to myself, and it comes out as a little bell. I then suck in an apple pie. Oh, this doesn't get any better.
I have created an army! Can't say that back home, can you? Hah! Screw Earth. I have an army of parasprite. We eat everything that stands in our path and spawn faster than drunk teenagers. We'll take over the world. Ponyville is a good start, and then—
What... is that?
That sound! What in Equestria is that glorious sound?
I mean, it's no P!nk or Fun., but the second that sweet melody touched my nonexistent ears, I couldn't stop myself. It was like a symphony of beauty, with an alluring tone that is stopped by no one.
Either way, I was in no control of myself. I gazed over at the source of the musical masterpiece. My brain has shut down, so I don't care that it is Pinkie Pie who is blaring numerous instruments and heading out of town. I follow behind her, and my army follows suit. I'm glad! They need to join in the fun of enjoying the music!
“I can't believe this happened again!” Twilight exclaimed as we passed by her. “We haven't seen any of these in months.”
“Ya think these varmints woulda learn a lesson by now,” least best pony asked with a displeased look, her eyebrows narrowed. I later learned that quadrant A of my group ate a good amount of food at her stand in the markets, while quadrant Purple sucked in a lot of apples on the trees before they could do anything.
“At least they just bothered the food this time. If they tried to eat my dresses again, I would just collapse,” Rarity put in with a dramatic wave of her hoof to her head. Basically, we listened to each of the girls say something so they could participate in this event.
“Yeah, well, Pinkie showed those stupid parasprites not to mess with ponies. Twice!” Rainbow added as she floated in her air, her wings aflutter. She follows us for a short while, doing Celestia knows what. Either way, she's not too happy with us. She punched the air in victory, which isn't nice, because even if we won, we couldn't do that! I call injustice.
Hey, we are not stupid, you stupid pony! We will eat your children if you screw with us. But not now. It's too bad they cannot enjoy the sweet melody that dances in our tiny, tiny ears.
I lose myself for a good while. I have no control of myself, and it I did, I certainly wouldn't let this happen. Not again!
But it does. We lose the battle because of the amazing music. We are taken out of town, far into the mountains, as the sun begins to set.
After Pinkie Pie goes away, and her control on us is over, we are free to be on our own. I sigh and realize the damage that has been done. I feel so humiliated, like I lost something. I can't believe that happened again! Are we so weak as to let that get to us? I need to work on that next time.
“Okay, parasprites! We may have not taken control of Ponyville, but that doesn't mean we can't take over elsewhere. Plus, we need to work on controlling ourselves again the melodious tunes! Otherwise, we'll keep losing our battles!” I shout throughout the throng of puff. I never felt so confident in my words, but these words rang true.
No matter what, we will get control. I swear on it! I am so excited to take on this amazing species and become their queen. I could wear a sexy looking crown and everything. I think over our next plan, knowing we can get them next time if we form a plan.
“Wake up!”
Huh? I look at the crimson parasprite at my right. It came from him, so I ask, “What was that?”
“Tish, wake up! Yo, wake up, unless you wanna get in trouble or somethin',” a familiar voice tells me. It's not the crimson one's anymore.
My eyes shut and open, and I find myself back into the world on humans. A nice looking guy with a sweet hat is looking down at me. I jump up and realize I have a hangover, so of course I feel nauseous and have a huge headache.
“Hey, calm down. Man, you really caved into that bet. Hey, Josh owes you sixty bucks, though. Can I borrow fifty?” he asks me with a hopeful smile, but that's the last thing on my mind. All I'm thinking of are those little parasprites, who would love to earn about the money system. I fall into despair and wish I was back there.
“NO, NO, TAKE ME BACK!” I shout to the skies, reaching up. Too bad I'm too damn short to even try and touch the ceiling. “I WANT TO RULE THE PARASPRITE KINGDOM! WE CAN EVOLVE IF WE JUST TRY!” I wanted to show them the awesomeness of technology and politics... okay, mostly the first one.
The guy, who I remember is my friend whose name I always forget, gives me the weirdest look. Guess I just said that out loud. Oops. “How much did you drink last night?”
“Just...” I count on my fingers for a few moments before I answer in a slurred voice, “A lot.” I tilt this way and that, and my lip quivers as I stare at my friend. “I didn't even get to name the crimson one!” How about Sid? Gerald? It's not the same!
He pats me in the back in sympathy. “It's okay, Tish. Why don't we get something to eat?”
I shake my head. “Actually, I'm pretty full. I... ate a lot last night.” I grin at the irony, which only looks creepy to him. Shaking my hand at him, I add, “D-Don't ask.”
