Human in Equestria Gameplay and Commentary
Human in Equestria Gameplay and Commentary
Cr1tiKal woke up on the grass. He shook his head, still woozy from the trip. Standing up, he saw that he was on a hill that overlooked a quaint little town made of buildings that resembled German-styled medieval architecture. It didn’t take him too long before he made his decision of what to do next.
“What’s up, everybody?” his deep voice asked to no one in particular. “It’s Cr1tiKal. I'm now in Ponyville in the land of Equestria. Let’s do this shit.”
Cr1tiKal walked down the hill and to the town, which was inhabited by ponies of various colors and species ranging from unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies.
“Look at all these things,” Cr1tiKal commented. “It’s like if a horse fucked a box of Crayolas and then a bunch of them popped out of her vagina. But that doesn’t explain the wings or the horns. They might be some mutants or some shit, but I don’t see a chemical plant anywhere near here. Speaking of, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. Let’s ask these ladies over here.”
Cr1tiKal walked up to a mint green unicorn and a beige-colored earth pony with a dark-blue and magenta mane and tail. The two ponies looked at him oddly, obviously never having seen him before. Cr1tiKal’s gaze went straight to the unicorn, shocking her. Cr1tiKal knew what he had to say to defuse the tension.
“Excuse me, Miss,” he asked her. “If I sucked your Titties, would it taste like a Shamrock Shake?”
The unicorn backed away, her face plastered with disgust and confusion. Cr1tiKal then turned to the other pony, who also looked extremely offended. The situation was getting dire. He’d have to say the right words here or it would be over.
“May I partake in some of your candy-flavored asscheeks?”
The two ponies had heard enough. They both galloped down the street while nearby ponies all gave Cr1tiKal nasty looks.
“Well, I seem to be welcomed here with open arms,” he said as he continued to walk down the street. “That reminds me, I forgot to take a shit before I swallowed that potion. Do they have bathrooms in this world, or do they just shit wherever their anus pleases? This quandary just nipples all over my fuck.”
Cr1tiKal was so deep in thought that he didn’t even notice the cloaked zebra that walked in front of his path.
“Oh, damn,” Cr1tiKal exclaimed, “I tripped over the zebra. Now we’re entering the shit.”
“Pardon me, my odd friend,” the zebra chanted, “but I did not see you come ‘round the bend.”
“Well aren’t you the fuckin’ Cat in the Hat?” Cr1tiKal replied. “Well two can play at that game.”
Cr1tiKal cleared his throat.
“Roses are red, violets are blue, I want you to tickle my tongue with your nipples.”
The zebra was just as confused as the ponies with whom he had a civilized conversation before.
“Oh yes,” he stated. “I nailed it. Look at her. She’s fuckin’ speechless.”
The zebra merely walked away, pretending that nothing happened.
“And just like that,” Cr1tiKal exclaimed, “I am victorious! Now where are my two beautiful woman to squirt their Titty milk all over me to celebrate?”
…
“Nothing? Then I guess I’ll just have to settle for Hansel and Gretel’s whorehouse over here.”
Cr1tiKal referred to a large building that looked to be a large gingerbread house with pink supports. Walking in, he saw a slender yellow stallion with a large under bite and a plump blue mare, both wearing an apron.
“Oh, hello there,” the stallion greeted.
His eyes were off in another direction before he laid eyes on Cr1tiKal and his sexy body. The mare then looked upon him and they clearly had never seen anything like him before.
“Well,” said the mare, “I can’t say I’ve seen anything like you before.”
“Yes, I can understand how sexy my nipples are,” Cr1tiKal responded, “but I’m not here for sex. I require one of your pastries with the frosting all over that shit.”
“Um…” stammered the stallion. “You mean a cupcake?”
“If that is what you wish to call them, then I shall acquire one of those scrumptious morsels.”
Cr1tiKal watched as the yellow stallion pulled open the door behind the glass display with his teeth, pulled out a tray holding a row of perfect looking cupcakes, and gingerly grab it by the wrapper to the counter.
“Oh shit,” Cr1tiKal exclaimed, “look at his mouth go! I bet he gets to suck all the Titties with that thing.”
“Here you go, sir,” the nervous stallion said, allowing Cr1tiKal to walk to the pastry.
“And such prompt service,” commented Cr1tiKal. “Sir, you are a gentleman, and a scholar… who is also a talking horse who bakes shit. Now, to insert this treat into my facehole…”
Cr1tiKal took a large chomp out of the small cake, leaving a thin crescent.
“Mmmm…” Cr1tiKal mumbled as he chewed. “Mmm… Mmm. Mmm! Mmm!! MMM!!!”
Then, with a bulging neck, Cr1tiKal swallowed his massive bite whole.
“Sir!” shouted the mare. “Are you alright?”
“No need to worry, ma’am,” assured Cr1tiKal, “I just shot a load of jizz in my pants.”
The two ponies recoiled in disgust at the declaration of his ejaculation. However, a smaller pink pony with a frizzy pink mane popped out from behind the counter.
“Oh, twatnipple!” shouted Cr1tiKal in genuine shock.
“I made those cupcakes today,” she exclaimed. “Do you like them?”
“I’m not exactly sure whose anus you popped out of there, but you have made my wiener happy. That shit was some good shit.”
“Wow, thanks! In fact, I’ve never seen you before! I should totally throw you a party!”
“That sounds like a swell idea! Bring all your friends. More pussy for me.”
“Pussy? Oh, sure! I’ll bring Fluttershy over too! She has lots of cats!”
“Hmm,” Cr1tiKal thought out loud, “perhaps I need to be more direct.”
He then looked back at the pink pony.
“I want your friends to come over so I can have fun, sexual adventures with their Titties and/or vagina.”
The pink mare gave a look of fear and confusion as she slowly walked backwards up the stairs behind the counter.
“Well, fuck you too, bitch,” Cr1tiKal called back. “All your friends can go lick an infected leaking anus.”
“Get out of our store!” shouted the yellow stallion, both he and the blue mare looking livid.
“It’s okay. I got the hint. I’m leaving.”
Cr1tiKal walked back out and continued to muse.
“I never thought that Ponyville would have this many assholes in it. They should rename this town “Assholeville.” I should send that shit to Lauren Faust. I can’t see why she wouldn’t agree.”
Suddenly, the green unicorn and the beige earth pony came walking up the street with a purple unicorn between them.
“Ah,” Cr1tiKal exclaimed. “It’s you again. I see you’ve come back to accept my offer. Oh, and you brought a friend with you. Ladies, I like the way you think.”
“There he is!” shouted the green unicorn. “That’s the thing that wanted to suck my breasts!”
“Thank you, girls,” the purple unicorn said, stepping forwards. “I’ll take it from here.”
“Wowzers,” Cr1tiKal stated, looking at Twilight’s advance. “She is just eager for my wiener.”
“That is SO incredibly rude!” the purple unicorn scolded. “You need to apologize immediately.”
“What do I need to apologize for? I was just saying that your friend’s Titties probably taste like a frosty, minty beverage. I don’t see the harm in that.”
Lyra was seething. His apathetic nature and lack of semblance of caring for his remarks only fueled her and the other two ponies’ fires.
“What is wrong with you?” the purple unicorn shouted. “You can’t just go around asking ponies if they want their breasts sucked.”
“Well,” asked Cr1tiKal, “how else am I going to have the sexcapades?”
“Do I need to call the authorities?”
“Whoa, now. Calm yourself, little horsey. There’s no need for the police to be involved. I’m just trying to have a civilized conversation with your two friends here.”
“How exactly is walking up to them and talking about having… intercourse with them civil?”
“Dammit,” Cr1tiKal mused. “I’m losing them. Screw it. I don’t think I’m going to get any here.”
Cr1tiKal walked away, while the three ponies were just stunned by his nonchalant actions. Cr1tiKal continued to walk down the streets and away from the town.
“I can’t be too sure,” thought Cr1tiKal aloud, “but I think there’s another building over there. I don’t think it would make a lick of sense to build a town in the middle of tittyfuck nowhere and not have some sort of other housing around it, but…”
Cr1tiKal came over a hill to see a red barn and farmland.
“And my prayers have been answered. Barn ho!”
Cr1tiKal descended the hill, looking at all the apple trees that lined the path.
“Damn, look at all these apples. You have to be one busy horse to manage all these. I mean, if I had to look out for all these apples, I’d probably say, ‘Fuck it,’ and go to Wendy’s and get some... chicken nuggets or something.”
Cr1tiKal then saw two ponies bucking a tree. One of them was orange with a blonde mane and tail and was wearing a cowboy hat. The other was a cyan pegasus with a cropped rainbow-colored mane and tail.
As one pony bucked the tree with its hind legs, the other one would follow up with a buck of her own. Apples fell from the tree into three buckets placed along the side of the trunk. Each buck was followed by a loud, tired grunt from both ponies as their hooves collided with the tree.
“Oh, fuck,” exclaimed Cr1tiKal. “Those ponies must be getting sweaty and tired. Let’s see what Mr. Wiener has to say about that.”
Cr1tiKal walked over to the two mares, breaking their attention from their work and having them focus on him.
“Hello, ladies,” he greeted.
“Well, hey there handsome,” the orange mare spoke to him. “What are y’all doin’ here?”
“I can’t help but notice that the two of you are pretty hot and sweaty. I wanted to see if I could be of some assistance.”
“Aw, well that’s awful nice of y’all, sugarcube. How’s about you help Rainbow Dash and I carry these out to the barn?”
“Actually, I was wondering if either of you would like a large, throbbing–”
“Applejack! Rainbow Dash!” called the voice of the purple unicorn. “Get away from him!”
The purple unicorn ran down the hill to her two friends and Cr1tiKal.
“Oh, for the love of Jesus’s nipples,” complained Cr1tiKal.
“Twilight!” responded the orange mare that the unicorn referred to as Applejack. “What are y'all doin’ here?”
“So Twilight's your name? I thought it would have been Cockblocker McDildo-On-Her-Fucking-Face, but I guess we can’t be right all the time.”
“What did he say?” the pegasus named Rainbow Dash asked.
“He’s been going arount town raising nothing but trouble,” Twilight remarked. “He asked Lyra and Bon-Bon if he could suck on their breasts.”
“What?” asked Rainbow Dash and Applejack in tandem.
“Is that true, mister?” Applejack asked with a stern tone in her voice.
“It isn’t exactly my fault if I proposition you for sex,” Cr1tiKal retorted, earning angry looks from the three ponies present. “I mean look at you. None of you are wearing any clothes, and your vaginas are shaking around inside of your asscheeks like shit from a hippo’s anus.”
“Twilight,” Applejack hissed. “May I?”
“Be my guest,” Twilight said with a relieved grunt.
“May you what?” asked Cr1tiKal. “Swirly your vagina over my–”
*BAM*
“Ow, fuck,” said Cr1tiKal, not seeming to feel any of the pain from Applejack’s buck.
Rainbow Dash then punched Cr1tiKal as he flew through the air.
“Shit my bitch, that hurt,” Cr1tiKal stated as he collided with the ground.
Twilight then launched a powerful spell at Cr1tiKal as his body laid motionless on the ground.
“Ah!” Cr1tiKal yelled each time his body bounced off the ground. “Dammit! Dick! Nipples! Shit! Bitch!”
Cr1tiKal was nothing but a smoldering pile of ash in the middle of Applejack’s orchard. The three mares huffed and walked away at a job well done.
“Well, I guess I died,” Cr1tiKal remarked, his voice unchanged by the damage his body was in. “Whoever thought that love and tolerance should be a thing should go eat a dick.”
Suddenly, Cr1tiKal’s body disappeared into a black void that instantly regenerated his body to full health.
“Alright, I’m done playing this,” he concluded. “Well, that’s the end of this story. Remember to rate the story, comment the story, and watch if you want to read stories similar to this one. See ya’.”
