"Luna," Celestia said, "I've got a problem and I'm not quite sure what to do." The look on her face was an odd cross of exasperation and disappointment, not something Luna was used to seeing portrayed on her sister's face.
"What's on your mind, Celly?" she asks, hoping that Celestia will tell her whatever it is that's got her so upset.
"Well..." the solar diarch stammered. Luna frowned. Something was clearly really upsetting her sister, and she was going to get to the bottom of it. "Twilight needs to get laid."
Well. That's not quite what she was expecting. "Celestia... why do you say that?"
Celestia sighed. "She hasn't come out of the Canterlot Castle library in five weeks."
"Surely that's a bit of an exaggeration?"
"Unfortunately, no. She's been ordering the guards to bring her food and even has a little cot set up in there." Luna was shocked. Five weeks? Even for a nerd like Twilight, that was a bit extreme. She decided Celestia was right. Something had to be done.
"All right, I'm in," Luna said in a conspiratorial whisper, despite the fact that nobody else was around. "Where do we start?"
"I've come up with some basic ideas, but I was hoping you could help me a little with execution," Celestia grinned, pulling a large black binder entitled "Project Get T.S. Laid" from one of the bookshelves in her room and laying it on her desk.
One Week Later
Celestia knocked on the door to Luna's room, which the darker pony promptly opened.
"So," Celestia said, "how did the First Phase go?"
"Well," Luna started, "it was hard getting her out of the library. Only when I promised to open up some of the restricted area for her when she got back did she even agree to go out."
Celestia sighed. "I was expecting something like that. What happened next?"
"Well, the first thing she did when she got into the bar was order a glass of apple juice." Celestia's face met her hoof. "Oh, god. Not a great start. But... did it turn out all right? Did she get laid?" Luna gave her a flat look.
"Time for the Second Phase?"
One Week Later
"How did sending her to the brothel go?"
"She reported them for ethics violations."
One Week Later
"Celestia, I think we're overlooking one major flaw in this plan."
"Which is?"
"Twilight is ugly as shit."
"Oh. Yeah. That could be an issue."
"Well... I mean, we are rich as fuck, we could always get her plastic surgery."
Next Day
"Plastic surgery?" Twilight shrieked. "Are you trying to imply that my looks are subpar? I am beautiful on the in-"
"Shut the fuck up Twilight, this isn't your decision. Appointment's at 9 next Tuesday. Be there or have fun on the moon."
Next Tuesday Night
"Well... I guess her face looks better."
"But she's fatter than Honey Boo Boo."
"Liposuction?"
"Liposuction."
Next Day
"Congrats, Twilight, love your new face. Big improvement over the whole squirrel-rat thing you had going before."
"Um... thanks?"
"Other than that, though, you need work. You're fat like a fucking cow-"
"All body types are beautiful! Just because I'm curvy-"
"'Curvy' ponies usually weigh less than an 18 wheeler. You don't fall in that category. Canterlot Hospital at 7am Friday or moon."
Friday Afternoon
"Well, now she isn't fat anymore."
"Yeah, I know. She's halfway decent looking. I'm still in mild shock, I think."
"You know, there is something I noticed..."
"What?"
"She smells like a fucking barn."
"Oh, right. On it."
Next Day
"This," Luna said, gesturing to the large, majestic spout coming out of the wall, "is a shower."
"Ooh!" Twilight said. "I've never seen one of those before! What does it do?"
"It makes you not smell like you just rolled through bird shit."
"That's what this is all about! That is putting me in a gender role-"
"Shut the fuck up. I don't need your sass, commoner. Now get in or we'll take a field trip to the moon."
"Fine. But next time Equestria needs saving, don't count on me."
"Um excuse me you fucking peasant what did you just say?"
"I said, fuck you!" Twilight stuck her muzzle in luna's face, almost touching their noses.
"Oh? You want to fuck me? Well what if I want to fuck you too? What do we do then, huh?" Luna pressed their faces together, anger seeping from her glare.
"Well, I might just have to fuck you, then!"
"Oh yeah? Fuck me, then! Do it! Go on, do it!"
"I will!"
Then they fucked.
Next Morning
"So," Celestia said, how did it-"
"I got Twilight laid." Luna said, giving her older sister a smug look.
The moment following this revelation was one that Luna wished she could replay over and over in her mind. Celestia's eyes widened to the point where they looked like they were gonna pop out of her fucking head.
"Are you fucking serious? Someone actually did that ugly sack of shit? Whoever it was must've been really desperate, haha, what kind of loser would ever screw Twilight Sparkle?"
To her sister's eternal puzzlement, Luna ran out of the room crying.
Author's Note
Wow. Was I wasted or what.
This is something I wrote on one particular drunken night studying for finals and I have no idea why I'm putting it up here this is going to get downvoted into oblivion
