Master Builder

by Plaidface

Rating: mature
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Other, Princess Luna, Original Character, Adventure, Princess Celestia
Length: 20943

Any discerning pony could tell you the Heathwarming Eve tale is an allegory for a bygone war. And anypony can figure out that the unicorns and pegasi didn't bother negotiating with a race that can't fly or use magic when you can just kill em...easily

Earth ponies are a rarity among the Royal Guards or Canterlot elite; instead they tend to their crops, dig up rocks, and occupy other such menial jobs. Though no overt racism exists in modern Equestria, nopony would be faulted for looking at the humble earth pony a little dismissively; even the earth ponies themselves do on occasion. After all, they can't fly or use magic.

It wasn't always this way. In a bygone era obscured by the niceties of the Hearthwarming Eve story, casual racism was just a euphemism for war, and war meant hilariously lopsided death ratios for the earth ponies and their hapless conscript armies. After all, they can't fly or use magic.

But hey you never know. Fix bayonets and over the trenches boys! This next pony wave attack will surely do the trick...

Published 2013-07-04 21:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-15 12:51:57 UTC

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

“Well we’re all going to die,” I said under my breath.

And really my positive outlook was already coming true. Thousands of earth ponies poured down the hills towards the advancing unicorn columns. They instantly met a massive barrage of pink energy bolts which cut them down by the hundreds before they could even return fire. Not that it really mattered though since not every earth pony was armed, and those that did only had a few rounds in their bolt action rifles.

Apparently the unicorns in their infinite wisdom shot at their enemies instead of throwing ponies at them. But to each his own. Our way was clearing working as demonstrated by the ghastly mounds of dead earth ponies beginning to pile up around the unicorn columns. Well, to our credit at least the flesh road blocks were slowing down the unicorn advance a bit, and it did obscure their line of fire somewhat.

Ouch!

I reeled from a crack of a whip across my back. I turned to see my Sergeant glowering down at me, whip in one hoof and a revolver in another aimed threateningly close to my head.

“Fight harder Conscript!” he spit. “I will not tolerate being overrun!”

“Yes Sergeant,” I whimpered back. Yes, because whipping me will somehow make this thing shoot deadlier bullets.

I grimaced and returned to feeding the ammunition belt into the machine gun. The bullets passed through my hooves rhythmically as it chugged out steady bursts at the unicorns. My bleeding back aside, I was glad to at least be back up here in the trench line than out in the open fields below. It wasn't because I was afraid to die but because I didn't feel like running.

I knew I was screwed the moment I was drafted. Many ponies from my city were drafted before me, and not one of them was ever heard from again. Despite the government’s best efforts, rumors of whole armies getting decimated and entire cities being wiped off the map ran rampant. It was only a matter of time before I joined the statistic whether it was as a conscript or as a civilian. And frankly I didn't care. I was sick of not getting fed, sick of the cold, sick of getting whipped by incompetent ass hats, and sick of forced marches with little sleep. I just wanted this to be over, and I’ll be damned if I couldn't at least wait for death sitting down.

That distinction was going to be moot in a few minutes though as our covering fire hardly scratched the paint off the unicorn Ferdinand tanks leading the advance. Around me I could hear the boom of our anti-tank guns but they too barely got through their energy shields, and bounced harmlessly off their sleek sloped armor on the other side.

Even more futile was our own Firesprite tanks spread sporadically throughout the mass of charging earth ponies. They were far smaller than the unicorn tanks, cute even by comparison. The Firesprites bellowed black smoke as they desperately tried to close the distance where their short stubby guns could hope to do something.

Much to nopony’s surprise none succeeded. The big long elegant guns of the Ferdinand pierced clean through their thin armor and splashed scorching plasma at the infantry trying to take cover behind them. The hit Firesprites burst into spectacular flame balls and lit even more ponies on fire.

What an appropriate name for a tank. If only the Sergeant was out there whipping the Firesprites; then we might have a chance.

“Not one step back. We shall fight tooth and hoof for every inch of our sacred motherland and push the vile invaders back!”

About the only thing that worked as intended in our arsenal seemed to be the loudspeakers which blasted motivational propaganda throughout the trench system. And really, what’s not motivating about, “Everypony fight to the last stallion! Anypony who runs will be summarily executed!”

Still, it was rather impressive that the broadcast was clearly audible even through the din of gun shots and explosions. Probably should have used that technological know-how on something a bit more useful though.

“The treacherous pegasus and unicorns violated the peace treaty which stood for fifty years, and descend upon our beautiful motherland like rapid dogs,” the broadcast continued. “They laid waste to our cities and slaughtered millions of our brothers and sisters. Yet we stand tall and resolute! Justice is on our side and we shall vanquish them with righteous fury!”

Vanquish? Hell I was hoping for just a stalemate. Where do I sign up? Oh wait…

“Incoming Pegasus!” somepony shouted.

I turned to see a nearby anti tank gun get engulfed in a hail of bullets. The gun crew was shredded, turning their position into a mess of flesh and metal. Looking up I saw several dozen more pegasus streaking towards us from behind their cloud cover, shoulder mounted machine gun blazing.

My gunner turned our machine gun skyward and opened fire as did most of the machine guns in the trench line. Further behind our position, flak guns also came to life throwing up black puffs of shrapnel into the chaos of tracers. It wasn't enough though. The pegasus could strafe us from outside the range of our own machine guns, and our flak guns were too slow to track such fast moving targets. We went from boned to ultra boned in ten seconds flat.

Suddenly a deafening thunderclap pounded my rib cage. Turning, I saw a brilliant red halo in the sky spreading in all direction with a similarly red streak emanating from the center. I traced the red streak with my eyes towards the ground just in time to see a pegasus impact straight into the trench line a few hundred meters away. Lightning bolts crackled across where the pegasus touched down like menacing tentacles. Jaws half open I momentarily stared, transfixed by the sheer beauty of the lethal spectacle…until I realized I now had to contend with electrocution as a possible way of death.

Getting melted by energy bolts though still seemed like the top contender. The unicorns were almost at the foot of the hills now and close enough that I could clearly make out the unicorn soldiers behind their Ferdinands. The earth ponies still trapped between them and the trench line tried running back up the hill in vain. They climbed over ponies both dead and alive in desperate madness but were slaughtered by the crossfire.

Energy bolts were whizzing past me now, some close enough that I felt the heat singe my mane.

Aaaahhhh!

My gunner fell back in pain clutching his face. Through the gap in his hooves I saw that half his face was melted clear to his skull. What looked like egg yolk drooled out of his eye socket. He flailed on the ground screaming for a cruelly long time until he finally stopped moving altogether.

I tried only looking at his unburnt side, attempting to recall his name. He was the third gunner I've had in just a few days on the front and I didn't remember him from basic training, though that was only a week long session of getting whipped. I was drawing blanks. My gunner lay there silent and unknown.

“Stand and fight! There will be no quarter for cowards!” I heard my Sergeant yell hoarsely.

Earth ponies were abandoning the trenches in droves now, running away from the inevitable unicorn breakthrough. The Sergeant shot the conscripts in the back as they tried to make a break for it.

“You there,” I heard him say. “Get on that damn machine gun and return fire!” But I just stood there rooted to the ground, staring at the nameless gunner.

Now that death was mere moments away I wasn't so sure about my fatalism. I mean, did I have anything to really live for? Will Equestria be any different if I lived or died? Well...no. I had no wife, no children, or even a career. But dammit so what? Didn't I deserve to live? And if not, what made other ponies more worthy of living? Why, because they have a family of their own? Gimmie a break, mere animals procreate. Why be judged as a sentient pony if your best argument for living is something any creature can do.

And what about the fucking generals who crapped out pure retardation into battle orders? Why should they get to sit in their little bunkers miles away from the disasters they created? I can picture them now stuffing their faces with cake and sipping tea while we starve out in the front. Hell, why can’t it be me eating cake? For that matter why should I die without ever experiencing all of the pleasures of this world? Why should I suffer and toil for others anymore? We’re going to lose this war anyways; why shouldn't I live it up before the ship sinks. I don’t want to die here forgotten and alone like my gunner. I want to take a damn bath and sleep in a warm bed…no wait… make that a bath of Champagne and, and a bed of fine silk and leopard skin...in a giant mansion filled with exotic foods and staffed with beautiful mares and and…fame and glory and bits… yes I want more bits than I know what to do with and and a fast air ship to tour Equestria, and…and I want to live!

I realized tears were running down my cheeks now. I've had enough of this.

“Conscript I will not say it again! Get on that damn machi-”

I didn't let the Sergeant finish. I swiped him across the face with a nearby spade and tackled him to the ground. The look of pain and shock on his face disappeared into a macabre mush of flesh and bone as I beat his face in repeatedly. I kept hammering at his lifeless body until the shovel head was noticeably bent.

I may have continued on like that till the end of time until a sudden concussion blew me back against the trench walls. The ground heaved violently as if fissures were cracking, and hellish whistles rained from the skies. We were being bombarded. But it wasn't plasma blasts or pegasus thunderstorms. It was artillery. Our own damn artillery. In their desperation the bastards in their little bunkers were going to obliterate the entire trench line in the hopes of catching a few unicorns in the blast. They would sacrifice every last one of us just so they can retreat. If there was any shred of doubt left in my mind it was gone in that instant.

I grit my teeth and closed my eyes, covering my head with my hooves.

After what seemed like an eternity the barrage finally lifted. The ringing in my ears was replaced with an eerie silence. I pushed aside the debris that fell on me and cautiously crawled out of the trench.

Thick smoke now covered the landscape, enveloping the hills in darkness. I could hardly see anything were it not for the numerous fires which pasted the sky in infernal orange. The ground was littered with twisted equipment and mangled bodies, very few of them belonging to unicorns or pegasus.

But what did I care. I ran my hooves through my body in disbelief. I was alive and intact.

A wild smile crept across my face as I dashed towards the nearest corpse. I started looting it, ripping through his trench coat in search of anything of value. He had nothing on him but some personal photographs which I angrily tossed aside.

I moved to the next body. To my delight he had a half empty bag of dried carrot rations. I greedily dumped the content into my mouth with one hoof while continuing to go through his trench coat uninterrupted. He had nothing else.

I went from body to body like this, stuffing my pockets with cigarettes, bits, and random knickknacks that would make a kleptomaniac blush.

As I blindly ran around entranced by the treasure chests of flesh, I was startled by something suddenly grabbing my hind leg. My heart nearly skipped a beat as I instinctively bucked it off. It was a hoof. Turning, I saw a young officer lying weakly on the ground. He was suffering from a bad case of missing the lower half of his torso. He lifted his hoof at me again.

“Water...” he said in a strained and raspy voice. I was unimpressed.

“Sir, let me personally salute you for your fine display here today,” I said coldly as I stomped on his neck. His eyes rolled back into his skull and he gurgled out his final breath. I stood over his dead body with grim satisfaction, a hint of sated revenge on my lips. The feeling was short lived.

Clopping and an approving laughter sounded from behind me. My blood froze. I realized then that in my madness I've been looting mostly worthless crap that didn't help the odds of my survival in the least. I hadn't even bothered to pick up a weapon yet. Luckily the young officer had a revolver on him. I snatched it up and quickly swung around in the direction of the laughter.

It was a white pegasus. He lay on his side, head propped up against a wrecked Firesprite. He looked far along into his middle ages and was far older than myself.

“You punish the shoguns who failed you this day with such spite and conviction. I like your spirit dirt pony. I did not think your kind capable of preening the weak.” He scratched his groomed narrow mustache as he spoke, wrapped in thought.

He quickly waved his hoof as if to banish the notion.

“Ah, I mean you no harm dirt pony.” He had a strange accent and spoke very deliberately in a calm soothing tone. “In fact, as a noble Samurai I can wish for no greater fate than death on the field of battle. But not all deaths are created equal yes?”

He was encased in ornate black armor almost from head to hoof. Overlapping layers of metal plates were tied together with blue silk cords, and the ensemble featured intricate lightening motifs in gold throughout. The helmet was particularly elaborate with an over sized wavy V protruding from where the forehead would be. It was no wonder the pegasus opted to take it off beside him. Guessing my revolver probably couldn't penetrate the armor, I stepped closer as he spoke to a get a better shot at his exposed head.

“There is perhaps only one stallion in all of Equestria worthy of taking my life.” He stopped to cough up blood. “Being killed by a pathetic little worm here would be being cheated of my rightful destiny. No offense to you of course.”

He was either the worst negotiator I've ever met or he wanted me to go ahead and blow his brains out.

As I got closer I realized he was lying in a pool of his own blood. For the most part his armor shrugged off the worst of the bombardment…except for a giant piece of shrapnel the size of my hoof lodged in his abdomen. He was also missing a third of one of his wings. Though the forward edges were covered in armor, the wings themselves were exposed. As a result he had almost no feathers left, and only the bony frames remained.

“Yes, I saw burning passion in your eyes when you killed that pony. You are one with business yet in this world. Surely you can relate to a life unfinished? As the artillery spared your life, so too does destiny decree I leave here alive.”

I paused momentarily.

“Ah so you agree. You are most wise for a dirt po-”

“Actually I was just trying to figure out how to turn the safety off,” I said pulling the hammer back.

“Wait wait,” he sputtered in panic. “You need my help if you are to survive. The unicorns may have temporarily retreated but they will be back soon enough. And I know how your laughable excuse of an army works. You were supposed to fight to the death. They will shoot you on sight for desertion. Face it dirt pony, you are trapped between a rock and a katana’s edge.”

“And pray tell noble warrior…who is begging for his life,” I facehoofed. “Excuse me for doubting your gift for persuasion but how exactly are you going to convince your pegasus and unicorn buddies to spare me?”

“I will do no such thing,” he said matter of factly.

I shook my head exasperated.

“Ok I’m wasting my time here,” I said cocking my head behind the iron sights.

“Wait wait,” he screamed again, this time with a definitive tone of fear. “You did not let me finish. Yes our alliance wishes to exterminate every last one of you dirt ponies. However, there is a river not three kilometers from here which we can use to make our escape. Treat my wounds and I will be your sworn guardian for a duration I deem commensurate to service rendered.”

“Duration for service rendered? Are you kidding me, you’re going to backstab me as soon as you regain your strength. How stupid do you think I am?”

“Very stupid,” he said plainly. “For you doubt the words of a true Samurai. I am honor bound to uphold any bargain I make. Do not worry my little dirt pony, I will continue to escort you after my convalescence until you are in relative safety.”

“And why will I slow myself down dragging around a wounded pony?”

“You do not recognize me? I am Crown Prince Ikazuchi, the most powerful warrior in all of Equestria. My protection is well worth waiting for.”

I rolled my eyes. “We hardly managed to kill any unicorn or pegasus today but one of the ones we managed to wound is the most powerful warrior in Equestria…right.”

“What! You insolent fool. Did you not see that spectacular aerial dive I performed?”

Come to think of it, this pegasus’ mane was the same fiery red color as that attack.

“That was you?”

“Yes. Only a handful of pegasus every generation can master it, and that was just a small taste of my powers.”

As if to prove his point Ikazuchi labored against his wounds to create a few small sparks of lighting from his hoof similar to what I saw earlier.

I sighed lowering my revolver. “Alright Ikazuchi, let’s get going.”

“Crown Prince Ikazuchi!” he corrected.

I started moving the gun up again.

“I mean yes yes, what I meant to say was Crown Prince Ikazuchi…will gladly allow himself to be called just Ikazuchi.” He forced a nervous smile. “And what is your name my honorable dirt, I mean earth pony?”

“I’m Raskoponikov. Most ponies call me Rasko for short.”

“Nonsense. I shall grant you the full courtesy of your true name, Raskoponikov.”

“Whatever. Common we’re wasting time.”

With that I knelt down and began inspecting his wounds.

Chapter 2

Ikazuchi put a hoof to his mouth in a shushing motion and pointed to the sky with his eyes. Through the green canopy of fir trees I made out at least a dozen pegasus flying overhead. They flew low enough that I could see their tinted visors on their helmets. Their armor was in a style similar to Ikazuchi’s though not as ornate. Not one of them wore the same colored armor as each other, and each had a unique war banner tucked in their backs. They momentarily circled above us before spreading out in different directions.

One of them in orange armor came swooping down and touched down on the other side of the river. The pegasus’ war banner featured three rain drops arranged in a triangle. The pegasus lifted her visor and scanned the area inquisitively. Ikazuchi and I lay hidden behind a thicket of swamp grass on the opposite bank. I pressed myself as low as I could into the mud and didn't even dare to breath.

We were a tad vulnerable to say the least. Ikazuchi was of no help in his current state. He laid on his side atop a log I was using as a makeshift raft. Around his wounded abdomen was an improvised pressure bandage I made of stripped trench coats. Having no medical expertise and being unable to find supplies on the battlefield (no surprise really since us conscripts were intended to just be meat shields), I simply left the shrapnel in him as it contained the bleeding. I also decided to leave his armor on as it seemed to stabilize the shrapnel and I didn't want to risk widening the wound trying to take it off…I don’t know I’m not a doctor.

I was sweating bullets and begging my heart not to beat so damn loud. I slowly began moving the earth pony bolt action rifle I scavenged up to my face. It was an absurdly cumbersome weapon, being almost as long as I was, and longer with its sword like bayonet attached. It felt more like a spear which incidentally happened to have a gun attached to it.

Practically speaking I only had one shot with it. If I missed, which I probably would since I never actually got trained on these things, I won’t have enough time to work the bolt before the pegasus sprays us down with her machine gun, or charges us with her sword, or rubs one off, or does her taxes…really this rifle was practically worthless on a modern battlefield. Good thing it’s standard issue.

And if by dumb luck I did manage to hit her, and assuming it actually penetrates her armor, I’ll have a dozen more Samurais on me. The math just didn't add up. Shooting her would have to be a last resort. The best course of action was to just hide here and hope she doesn't –

Oh fuck I think she’s looking right at me!

I was about to cast the die and pull the trigger when she abruptly lowered her head. She sipped briefly from the river and flew off as quickly as she had arrived. Clutching my chest I let out a sigh. I turned over on my back and closed my eyes, still breathing heavily.

“I no longer feel they’re presence in the sky,” Ikazuchi announced. “And you contemplated shooting her without so much as announcing your name. You are pathetic.”

“Hmm must have slipped my mind,” I said lighting a cigarette. “Next time I want tactical advice from somepony who flew right into a trench line when they could’ve just strafed, I’ll let you know.”

“Ha! Anypony can simply shoot another pony. A true stallion faces his adversaries head on.” Ikazuchi waved his forefoot around for dramatic effect. “Bushido dictates I give my enemies a fair chance; quite difficult I might add against such lowly dirt ponies.”

I rolled my eyes. “Well those lowly dirt ponies blew off your damn wings so now it should be a little easier for you.”

Somehow this noble warrior convinced himself that electrocuting conscripts at supersonic speeds was fair.

I pushed the log bearing Ikazuchi into the river and hopped on. The current gently started carrying us downstream again.

“Hey for future reference, will my rifle go through Samurai armor?” I asked flicking cigarette ash.

“That is difficult to answer. Every armor is hoof crafted to suit the fighting style of the warrior, and honor the traditions of his clan. Some Samurai prefer maneuverability over raw protection. Still others from lesser clans cannot afford heavier armor even if they wanted to and must settle for less protection.”

“So it that a yes or a no?”

“In general the armor has all around protection from your pistol calibers. Usually the torso has the heaviest protection and will stop up to rifle rounds.” Recalling how difficult it was moving Ikazuchi from the battlefield to the river, I guessed his armor was on the heavier end of the spectrum.

“And you waste all that protection by painting it bright orange and sticking a cutie banner in your back,” I quipped.

“It is called a shashimono you fool. And no, it is not a cutie mark. It is the clan seal. The color of the armor also denotes the warrior’s lineage, black being reserved for the imperial family, the mighty Ikazuchi clan,” he said proudly tapping his armor.

“But alas like your dishonorable and frail race, some ponies within the Empire of the Rolling Thunder have adopted more modest colors despite their clan traditions,” he continued. “My race is changing Raskaponikov. Mores that sustained us for centuries are being cast aside in mere decades. We are losing sight of who we are and what makes us the greatest martial race in all of Equestria.”

“You know you’re awfully talkative for somepony with massive internal bleeding,” I interjected as I pushed our log raft away from a rock with the rifle butt.

“Ha! Tis only a flesh wound,” Ikazuchi exclaimed while coughing up blood.

I should probably stop talking to him before my investment dies.

“Like I was saying, the Empire of the Rolling Thunder walks down a path of degradation and dishonor.”

Well so much for that. I lit another cigarette for story time.

“We are mere shadows of who we once were. Even our battle dress reflects our decay. We strap on these abominable machine guns, and arm ourselves with katanas mass produced in factories by the thousands. There is no craftsmanship, no soul. Only our armor remains true to tradition but soon it too will be gone like sakura pedals in the wind.”

“So if you’re so true to tradition where’s your sashi….sashimi or whatever?” I observed.

All that was on his back were two machine guns instead of the usual single barrel carried by most Samurais.

“The Ikazuchi clan is at the heart of the Empire's degeneration,” he lamented. “They shame our ancestors by even calling themselves an Ikazuchi.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Sounds to me like somepony is butt hurt for being kicked out of their little sword club.”

Ikazuchi didn’t respond.

“Tell me something; is your relationship with your clan why they’re looking for you?”

“I do not know what you are talking about,” Ikazuchi asked puzzled.

“That last patrol was the forth one we ran into in the two days we’ve been on the river. It seems strange that they’ll look so hard for just earth pony stragglers.” I narrowed my eyes at Ikazuchi suspiciously. “Hell they even land occasionally. Why comb the area so thoroughly to kill a few insignificant conscripts? I mean I’m sure the frontlines have already shifted further east by now.”

Ikazuchi narrowed his eyes right back as if he didn’t understand my question. We stared at each other momentarily.

Finally I broke the silence. “You know, I can’t tell if you’re squinting at me or that’s just how your eyes are.”

“I still do not understand. What is wrong with my eyes? They are the same as yours.” Ikazuchi continued staring at me confused.

“Never mind,” I sighed.

“Raskaponikov!” Ikazuchi shouted.

“Huh?” I shook my head catching myself spacing out. “Oh shit!”

A giant boulder was right in the path of our raft. I fumbled for the rifle but in my half daze I dropped it straight into the river. In a last ditch effort I stuck my forelegs out and pushed with all my strength against the rock. The raft lurched around the boulder, missing it by inches.

“Fuck me!” I screamed slapping at the water. The river was too deep and the current too strong to try to retrieve the rifle.

“You degenerate fool! How can you think of sexual intercourse in a time like this?” Ikazuchi threw up his hooves in indignant disbelief. “All you dirt ponies are capable of is procreating like rabbits!”

Calming down slightly I closed my eyes and tilted my head to the skies.

Damn it. I don’t know how much more of this I could take. We were now approaching a week on the river, and what meager amounts of ration I scavenged from the trench line didn't even last us past the second day. To make matters worse, with winter setting in there was hardly any edible vegetation growing in the area. Hunger didn’t begin to describe my current state. I felt weak, and it took concerted effort just to focus; effort I no longer had the energy to exert. I was beginning to lose it.

“Look Ikazuchi, escaping down the river was your idea,” I said sternly. “We’ve been adrift for days now, and we haven’t seen a town or anything. I didn't drag you all the way out here so I can starve to death.”

“Ha! Just a few days of not eating and you are already at the end of your wits. You are pathetic. A true Samurai can go for weeks on water alone.”

“Says the pony who ate half my rations!” I snapped back.

“I did not need it. I only ate because you offered. It would have been rude of me to refuse.”

I was about to have an aneurysm.

“You’re badly wounded. You needed the energy to survive!”

“I did not need your charity,” he snorted. “Do not assume all of ponykind is as weak as dirt ponies.”

I stared back at him, eyes wide in disbelief at the sheer amount of retardation pouring out of his mouth. I wanted to just pull out my revolver and shoot him right there but my impulse was halted by the thought of his impending doom. The trench coat bandage around his abdomen was noticeably yellowed now, and a rancid odor of rot was oozing out. In a couple of agonizingly long and painful days that infection would take care of my little friend here. I suddenly felt eerily comforted.

“So mister Samurai sir,” I said in an overly cheerful tone. “Tell me where we’re headed then?” I batted my eye lashes for extra sarcastic garnish.

“The Everfree Forrest.”

…and we’re back at full retard.

“What!” I exclaimed.

“The Everfree Forrest,” Ikazuchi repeated. “We should be there in but a few more days.”

“That’s your escape plan! The Everfree Forrest. The Everfucking Free Forrest!” I yelled foaming at the mouth. “You do realize that those savage zebras will kill an earth pony on sight!”

Ikazuchi laughed heartily. “Yes they are quite proficient at it too. Slaughtered almost a hundred thousand of your lot in a few short months.”

“Oh so you've heard of the Summer War, and you still want to take me there.”

Prior to this current conflict, the earth ponies deployed troops into the Everfree Forrest. Naturally our newsreels never mentioned we lost that many ponies, but I got the impression we got our asses handed by the zebras…a race that ran around butt naked in the woods with spears and arrows. Yes we suck that much.

“Heard of it?” Ikazuchi raised an eyebrow. “I fought in it.”

I couldn’t mask a look of confusion. Ikazuchi pointed at my face and started laughing again until tears rolled down his cheeks.

“Pray tell Raskoponikov,” he said wiping his eyes. “What do you know about the air campaign during the Summer War?”

“Not much,” I said still confused. “Something about bad weather preventing proper air support, and zebra alchemy giving them wings to challenge our planes and airships.”

Ikazuchi just about died this time as he grabbed his stomach and convulsed with laughter. He only stopped to cough up more blood.

“There were no winged zebras,” Ikazuchi said composing himself. “The Empire of the Rolling Thunder secretly intervened on behalf of the zebras. We disrupted your airstrikes with storms, and painted our bodies with stripes to engage you directly at times.”

I felt slightly better now knowing we didn't lose to a tribal race that was barely a few trots out of the Stone Age.

“Being a true Samurai I was adamantly against such an indirect conflict, but nevertheless, I was the highest scoring ace during the Summer War with one hundred twenty four confirmed aerial kills and nine airships destroyed,” he beamed. “I am a hero to the zebras. Why they will welcome me with open hooves, and you as my escort will be accorded similar hospitality.”

I was still unconvinced.

“I see no better idea since you show as much affinity for medical care as you do for rowing,” he added. “I will need alchemical help from the zebras soon, and you will need food so you can stop acting like a little foal.”

Well, he did have me at food. I returned to patrolling for rocks with renewed purpose.

That enthusiasm was gone by nightfall. As with previous nights, we came ashore to sleep along the embankment. I was huddled in the fetal position shivering in the icy wind, hunger pangs refusing to let me sleep. I laid there in tormented limbo for what seemed like hours.

A few days to the Everfree Forrest? How long was that supposed to be? One more day? Two? Four? A week? I needed food now. I would eat my own crap if it were edible. Even those disgusting rations sounded like a five star meal at this point.

Suddenly I heard splashes further down the river. I immediately perked up my ears and clutched the revolver close to my chest. The splashes became louder, and I could make out hoof steps. Some ponies were crossing the river. Samurais! No wait…they could just fly over it.

I rolled onto my stomach and started crawling towards a slight incline blocking my line of sight with the river further down. Reaching the crest, I gingerly peeped my head behind a tuff of dead grass. With dark grey fur and black mane, I was fairly confident I was well hidden.

Not more than a hundred meters in front of me were several dozen pony shaped figures silhouetted in the dim moon light. Not one of them appeared to have horns. They were in a straight line wading across a shallow part of the river. They were up to their necks in water, and some appeared to be carrying crates above their heads. Some of those crates had to have food in them.

I ducked behind the crest and weighed my options.

They were probably earth ponies which meant I had a fighting chance. I mean we’re so utterly useless in battle that we can be beat by sticks and stones, so why not by one starving pony armed with a…I looked at where Ikazuchi lay and smiled.

Now we’re talking.

I slid quietly down to the pegasus and started feeling around one of his machine guns. Ikazuchi lifted his head and appeared to protest but I put my hoof to my mouth in a shushing motion.

“I need this. We don’t have much time,” I whispered.

Ikazuchi looked unsatisfied but he seemed to realize something was wrong. He reached across his back and pulled a release lever attaching the gun to his armor. The weapon slid into my waiting hooves.

I practically doubled over. The machine gun was about as long as the bolt action rifle, and appeared to fire bullets nearly twice the size. It seemed to weigh roughly as much as the earth pony machine gun and its tripod combined. How Ikazuchi managed to fly with two of these damn things was beyond me.

Heaving the weapon on my shoulder I climbed up the incline again and emplaced the machine gun. With no tripod, emplacing meant I simply braced the weapon to the dirt with my foreleg. I did a quick ammo check and realized the ammo box was completely full. Ikazuchi was true to his words after all.

I was ready to fire.

Wait what was I doing? I was taken aback at how quickly I’d arrived at the decision to start shooting. It’s not like I can just go down there and ask for food but was I really about to mow down a bunch of my own kind? Killing a pegasus, unicorn, or even a earth pony officer in self defense was one thing but this…they were probably just conscripts like me.

But with the growl of my stomach my mind was made up. It’s either them or me. Those earth ponies would kill me just as quickly if they were in my position. Race didn't matter. Everypony was only out for themselves and anypony who stood in the way of survival could justifiably be killed: it’s the law of nature. The only thing that mattered in this world was how strong your will to live was.

With that I pulled the trigger. The machine gun roared to life and bounced around like a wild dog trying to break free of its leash. I sprayed the ponies already on my side of the river first. The giant bullets knocked them off their feet before they even knew what was happening.

I then turned the machine gun and lit up the opposite bank. Almost the entire front of my body was on top of the weapon now as I struggled to keep the gun stable. Tracers were flying wildly, catching ponies as they tried to run back into the tree lines flanking the river.

One pony fired back in my general direction with a revolver. My bullets impacted in front of him but successive rounds quickly closed in on him and found their mark. His head exploded and another round flung him back several meters like he was bucked.

Satisfied that the ponies on dry land were dead or routed, I turned my attention to the ponies still stuck crossing the river. They were throwing down their crates and thrashing frantically to try to reach shore. They didn't get far. The entire river erupted with splashes as I raked it back and forth several times.

After that I started pumping rounds into the tree lines on both sides of the river to kill any pony still hiding. Leaves and bark flew through the air like shrapnel, and several trees snapped back like toothpicks. I didn't let up until I was out of ammo and the barrel was glowing red hot.

I looked down at my handy work for any overt signs of movement while I waited for the ringing in my ear to subside. Certain the coast was clear, I pulled out my revolver and galloped towards my prize.

By the first light of dawn I was done looting. Around me lay the bodies of at least four dozen earth ponies, though it was difficult to say since most of them were in several pieces. Some lay dead right on top of each other in a dog pile. Others floated motionless in the river with their faces in the water. Towards the middle of the carnage I sat hunched atop a crate with a cigarette in my mouth, chuckling.

Good news everypony, none of the crates had food in them. They were full of ammo for weapons I didn’t have, or were full of random documents. Among all of the bodies I was only able to find five bags of ration: barely enough food for a day for two ponies. There weren't even any useful weapons to scavenge as the ponies were all unarmed save for two officers leading the group.

“You hear that buddy,” I said patting a dead conscript on the head. “It’s almost as if I didn't need to kill you at all.”

The pony stared back at me, mouth hanging open.

“Hey that was my bad. Here, this is the least I could do for your trouble.”

I shoved a cigarette in his mouth and lit it for him. It fell to the ground and flickered out.

“Hey it’s kinda dead in here, wanna go someplace else?” I poked him in the ribs jocularly. I don’t think he got the joke.

“Then again,” I said thoughtfully blowing smoke. “Considering how big your group was, you guys would've starved to death too if you didn't get spotted by pegasus first. So you kinda helped out a pony who had a better chance of living anyways. Might as well one of us lives than both of us die, you know what I’m saying?”

“Yeah I know what you’re saying,” the conscript responded.

He turned his head to look me in the eyes. Half his face was melted by plasma.

I screamed and fell back, blind firing my entire cylinder from my revolver over the crate. Still panting, I cautiously poked my head out. There was only the dead conscript. He looked as dead as before, and his face was whole.

I rubbed my eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. I trotted to the river to splash some water on my face but decided against it as it was still slightly red.

It was time for me to go.

I found Ikazuchi where I left him the night before and pushed off down the river without further delay. As we passed by the battle scene I looked over at him, bracing for any admonishing comments he had for me. He didn’t say a word. His silence was far more taxing than when he lectures me.

“You’re not gonna tell me I’m a coward for ambushing them, or tell me I have no honor for killing my own kind?”

Ikazuchi still said nothing.

“Come on Ikazuchi, you always wanna add your two bits. What do you make of this huh?”

“What do you make of this?” he finally responded.

“I did what I had to do. We would’ve starved otherwise,” I said throwing him a bag of dried broccoli rations. “It was either them or us. You were practically begging for your life on that hill. You want to live too don’t you, by any means necessary?”

Ikazuchi sighed deeply.

“In the darkness,” he paused. “Were you able to ascertain what you were shooting at?”

“Uh yeah, earth ponies.”

“This war has created millions of refuges among your kind. The moon was not full and the sky not so clear. Were you certain they were soldiers before you engaged?”

“Yeah I was…pretty sure,” I stammered. “We haven’t seen a town in a week. I just assumed they were soldiers you know…I mean I’ve only been around other soldiers for so long”.

Damn it. I didn’t even consider that possibility. But did that change anything? Wouldn’t a refuge be just as desperate and willing to kill another pony? Wait what am I saying. Am I really debating whether it was ok to blow away families? But hey if the breadwinners are getting killed then the families will slowly whither on the vine anyways. Hey it's not like society did my single mother a favor. At that point it’s just mercy killing right?

Fuck I can’t be doing this right now. I need another cigarette.

Ikazuchi shook his head and looked away.

“Hey you have no right to preach to me Ikazuchi. How many civilians has your Empire slaughtered huh?”

“I no longer serve the Empire of the Rolling Thunder,” he snapped. “Do not delude yourself. Dirt ponies are a waste of air but that is precisely why wiping them out does us no good. The zenith of enlightenment for any true warrior is to test one’s skill against formidable enemies. To be pushed to your extremes and ascend to new levels of power you did not even conceive of: that is the essence of Bushido. Killing weaklings will only make us stagnate as we grow complacent with our current abilities. That is why I never have, and never will, kill a defenseless pony whether it is a civilian or a pathetic little runaway solider.”

“Wow somepony get this buck a peace medal,” I said lighting up a cigarette. “Look, I don’t really care what you think of me but will you at least eat the damn ration? You look like shit.”

“I will not touch sullied food,” he responded looking away again. “I will play no part in vindicating your actions here today.”

“Whatever,” I sighed. “I’m gonna leave the bag by your side in case you decide to wise up.”

By the next morning the bag was gone.

Chapter 4

I knelt down by a supply crate, furiously prying the lid off in a futile bid to silence the emaciated roar of my stomach. I tossed aside the packaging hay like some rabid animal until those giant red rubies glistened in my eye.

Apples! Real fucking apples!

In my peripheral vision I could see the the giant black letters stenciled onto the lid: “For Offices Only”

Fuck em.

I took a succulent bite with one hoof while stuffing my precious prizes into every available pocket with the other. Not enough damn pockets, not enough damn time. In the distance I heard the unnerving grinding of Ferdinand treads, and they were approaching ever closer. Before I knew it the plasma bolts were upon me, scorching and hissing the ground like so many cobras in the grass.

Time’s up.

I reluctantly tossed aside my half eaten apple as I took off running cradling every last piece of fruit I could. Conscripts fell all around me, screaming and raising their hooves in a desperate bid for aid. But the fucking apples! I kept galloping, ducking and weaving through a hail of plasma bolts. I cringed as apple after apple fell from my pockets and outstretched forelegs.

I kept sprinting despite my lungs threatening to explode. Soon solid ground gave way to water as I splashed still forward. Ankle high, knee high, waist high; I was swimming now in open water.

All the apples floated uncontrollably out of my pockets, meandering off into the current.

No!

I reached out a hoof for the nearest apple but it never got there. A hoof grabbed my leg and pulled it down. I shook my leg like it was on fire, momentarily breaking free yet in an instant another hoof breached the water and wrapped around my leg. More hooves shot out, tugging at my mane, my torso, my legs. I thrashed wildly but the more I struggled the heavier the hooves pulled. Before I could scream I was pulled into the suffocating depth.

As the surface light grew dimmer and dimmer something suddenly nudged my muzzle out of the darkness. It was a face, half melted to the skull. The earth pony fixed its one good eye on me and smiled. When I gasped the water crushed my lungs...

That was when I woke up.

“Pariah, did you hear me!”

I faded back into consciousness to muffled shouts of a zebra.

I felt wet, or more precisely I was in water. Rubbing my face I realized I was floating in the atrium pond. Warm sunshine bore down on me, its intrusive rays about as welcome as an alarm clock beginning a hungover morning. The world still seemed slightly fuzzy with a bluish tint but I think the worst of the poison joke was behind me now...hopefully.

“We need twelve healing poultices and acid on the double!” the zebra called again.

I realized the voice was coming from outside the cave entrance.

Ikazuchi was standing over me on shore, already dressed in his armor. Freshly polished and free of the grits of battle, it shimmered regally in a way that made me appreciate its intricate craftsmanship in a whole new light. The giant hole in the abdomen still remained unmended however along with his wings. The wings were cleaned of blood and residual feathers but his left wing was nothing more than a skeletal frame, and the right just a bony nub.

“Ah excellent you are done practicing drowning. Now hurry up and put some clothes on, as tempting as it may be for a dirt pony to return to his savage roots,” he snapped dropping my trench coat next to him.

“Well glad to see you up and running,” I said wading ashore. “How’s your wound?” I asked trying not to look at his maimed wings.

“Ha! It was never even a mortal wound to begin with. However, that creature’s medical skills certainly hastened my recovery,” he conceded.

“So you met Pariah,” I said putting my coat on.

Pariah must've washed it while I was out since it felt cleaner than it’s been in weeks. It was still stiff like paper mâché from Ikazuchi’s dried blood though.

Pariah was busy pouring over its cauldrons presumably filling the zebra’s order. The creature moved swiftly from pot to pot, adding diced up plants there and stirring here like a television chef trying to finish all his dishes before the clock wound down.

“Yes a most well mannered creature, but never mind that. Here, Pariah was kind enough to give you a gun.”

Ikazuchi shoved a metal object into my hooves along with a bloody bandolier. I shuttered to think how Pariah acquired this from its previous owner.

“This is a gun?” I asked inspecting the alleged weapon.

It looked like it took about 3 seconds to make, and probably did. It was literally just a piece of pipe with a magazine shoved into the left side. Bent metal formed a skeletal outline for a sad excuse of a shoulder stock. Crude didn’t begin to describe this monstrosity. Not that the bolt action rifle was any better but at least its wood frame showed some vestige of craftsmanship.

“Yes, a Pepper Box submachine gun,” Ikazuchi explained. “It was designed by your engineers during the last equestrian war but was quickly abandoned since pistol rounds are nigh useless against pegasus or unicorn armor. They are however quite handy against unarmored opponents like zebras especially in the confines of a forest.”

I looked down the sights and to my dismay realized they were ludicrously misaligned. Not that it really mattered though since the “sights” were just metal rings hastily welded on, apparently by a drunken pony on a roller coaster.

“Your Shoguns belatedly realized this and revived the concept, rushing as many Pepper Boxes to the front as possible. By the time sufficient numbers were available however the Summer War was all but disastrously concluded,” Ikazuchi said with a snicker.

“What’s with all this firepower?” I asked.

Along with extra magazines the bandolier also had some stick grenades tucked in.

“We going back to war or something?”

“You could say that, yes, but time is of the essence. Come, I shall explain on the way,” he said leading me towards the cave entrance.

Pariah was walked just ahead of us, cradling several gourds of freshly prepared medicine. It stopped at the cave entrance and began turning the doorknob.

“What are you doing!” the zebra shouted from the other side. There was a palatable sense of fear in his voice. “You know better than to reveal yourself!”

After a momentary pause, Pariah reluctantly placed the gourds on a shelf attached midway up the door and knocked twice. A small slit opened from the other side in response, and a zebra leg snatched up the gourds as if the door would bite them off if he took too long. The zebra then slammed the slit shut and trotted off with much urgency.

“These savages are incapable of comprehending social graces,” Ikazuchi remarked. “No offense to my noble host of course,” he said gesturing at Pariah.

Pariah shook its head as if to dismiss the notion.

“Well we shall be on our way Pariah,” Ikazuchi said with a deep bow. “We will return shortly.”

Good luck. Don’t kill Zahir if possible , it wrote.

“So let me get this straight, we’re gonna go kill the pony who spared your life…in order for Pariah to introduce you to an inventor who can fix your wings…and this inventor lives all the way in the griffon city of Reed….that about cover it?”

“I never said anything about killing Zahir,” Ikazuchi corrected as he continued slashing a path through the dense Everfree foliage.

With little effort Ikazuchi shredded the leaves and branches in front of us like it was going through a blender, leaving a haze of crushed plants and pollen in my face.

“You just said you couldn’t wait to sink your blade into his neck. Ponies kinda need that to survive.”

“Ha! Shows how pathetically little you know of true swordsmanship,” he proclaimed. “Fear not Raskoponikov, I do not intend to kill these savages so long as Zahir gives us Pariah’s tome without a fuss. If however they should refuse…well I would not be entirely disappointed.”

Though his back was to me I swore I saw a grin on his face.

“Yeah what’s this tome exactly? You have any idea what it even looks like?”

“I do not know the specifics but it is something Pariah values quite dearly, and Zahir has it with him at all times. It is the only thing keeping Pariah from leaving this forsaken place.”

“The way that zebras treated Pariah, I don’t blame it for wanting to leave.” I said wiping the sweat from my brow.

The Everfree Forest once again seemed to live by its own logic as even when winter wrapped the rest of Equestria the air here was thick and humid.

“Yes so you see we are merely freeing a poor creature from its bondage.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Don’t sugar coat this as anything more than strong arming ponies to get what you want.”

“Ha! A Federation pony wishes to lecture me on aggression?”

“Yeah I’ve been meaning to ask you about that. What exactly happened during the Summer War?”

“Surely you jest,” Ikazuchi exclaimed with genuine surprise. “You are either a bigger fool than you look or the Federation suppresses information far more effectively than I had thought.”

“I like to think it’s the latter… helps me sleep at night.”

Ikazuchi gave a vexed sigh. “It is the same story as it has been for millenniums. The Everfree Forest is rich in natural resources of all manner, and whoever controls its bounty would gain a decisive advantage over the other equine races. Of course no side has ever succeeded in conquering it due to the zebras and the inhospitable nature of the forest itself. The Summer War was yet another futile episode in trying to tame it.”

“Then why did the Empire intervene?”

“Because the Emperor is a timid fool,” Ikazuchi said with a rising tone of anger. “He believed this time the earth ponies could genuinely succeed, even going so far as fearing open war with the Federation. Clearly he was mistaken!”

“Ayup,” I remarked looking at the hundreds of pony skeletons around me. We just cut our way into what appeared to be an old battlefield.

Skeletons draped in frayed trench coats littered the area in piles sometimes stacked ten ponies high. Packed into tight formations by the claustrophobic forest, and with their unwieldy bolt action rifles, the earth ponies stood no chance. Several machine gun teams among the dead suggested an ambush. They lay there still clutching unlimbered tripods and unopened ammunition boxes.

Of course no earth pony meat grinder would be complete without Firesprites. They were all burned out (naturally), their stubby guns melted into metal globs and their treads strewn off the wheels like limp arms. Charred bones hung out of the turret hatches of several of the tanks. Petrified by flame, their contorted expressions forever spoke of their desperation and agony. Whoever thought it was a good idea to bring tanks into a forest should be shot, and probably was.

Despite the carnage, a thin layer of moss covered the fallen conscripts like a shroud as if the forest extended a final show of respect to their would-be conquerors. New saplings even worked their way through the rusting Firesprites already. In a few more months this entire area would be reclaimed by the forest as if nothing had ever happened, as if this was all water under a bridge. More likely however, it would only serve to dull the memory of those who sent these stallions in to begin with. The ponies will be back. Again and Again.

Ikazuchi’s words rung true in my mind.

“Ready yourself,” Ikazuchi warned snapping me out of my musing.

I instinctively cocked my Pepper Box and listened for any brushing leaves or snapping twigs. It was a futile exercise however as the forest was abuzz with life. Ikazuchi suddenly swung his head and I immediately followed suit. Behind us stood three zebras.

Damn, I didn’t even hear them approach. We were firmly in their home ground now, and they could kill me whenever they wanted without so much as a warning. My dead compatriots around me echoed my thoughts: I’m dead!

Ikazuchi seemed to share none of my fears.

“So you finally decided to show yourselves. I was growing weary of being followed,” he boasted.

“What are you still doing here Ikazuchi,” one of the zebras demanded pointing with his spear. “Don’t tell me you’re on your way out. You know this place well enough to be walking deeper into the forest.”

“Ah my young savage, I merely wanted to chastise Zahir for his hospitality in person. It is what cultured ponies do after all. You are more than welcomed to follow zebra. You may learn a thing or two.”

The zebra snarled and crouched down into a combative stance as did the others.

“We don’t want any trouble guys,” I interjected. “Ikzauchi…well he’s just Ikazuchi. Please, let us just speak with your chief.”

“Ha! Zahir is no chief,” Ikazuchi scoffed.

I glared at him. I waved my hoof in front of my neck in a slitting motion, begging him to shut up.

“He is merely their champion. Their finest warrior if you will, for what that is worth.”

Dammit Ikazuchi.

“That’s it, I’ve heard enough!”

One of the zebras charged Ikazuchi with his spear. He looked considerably younger than the others and was probably no more than a few years out of foalhood.

The other zebras shouted for him to stop but it was too late. All I heard was a katana being drawn yet in an instant Ikazuchi had the young zebra pinned to the ground, sword pressed against his throat. He stood over him, one free leg extended towards the sky. Seconds later a piece of the attacker’s spear landed neatly in his awaiting hoof, sliced cleanly in half. Ikazuchi channeled electricity through the broken spear, sending blue sparks running down the shaft. It momentarily lit on fire before quickly turning to ash in his hoof.

Show off.

“Even you savages must know you stand no chance against a true warrior elite,” Ikazuchi said with a smirk. “You will bring Zahir to me or I will punish every last one of you for your indiscretion.”

The other zebras still remained hunched in their combative stances. They wore pained expressions of bitter humiliation. They were being condescended to in their own homes and there was nothing they could do about it.

“What are you waiting for zebra? Run along now,” Ikazuchi said.

The zebras only snarled back.

“You think those two manticores behind me will save you,” Ikazuchi taunted.

Wait what?

I turned around and flinched as sure enough two of the lion creatures from yesterday had snuck up less than five meters behind me with their scorpion tails poised to strike at any moment. Once again I didn’t hear a thing.

I was thoroughly out of my element here. I wonder why Ikazuchi even bothered to bring me along. Act as a meat shield maybe? We conscripts are pretty good at that if nothing else.

“Fools!” Ikazuchi suddenly shouted pushing me to the ground.

Ikazuchi opened his jaws wide and gave a furious roar. Blue lightning bolts crackled out of his gaping mouth like a flamethrower and engulfed the two manticores. The creatures convulsed violently as electricity coursed down their bodies making their skeletons visible through their flesh.

Yet his intended target wasn’t the hapless manticores nor the barrage of arrows I now realized was flying in from behind the two creatures. The lightning bolts disintegrating the arrows midair and continued on its meandering trajectory, hitting the tree line beyond. Blue light lapped at the branches like waves, turning the trees into gangly electric fences. Several zebra archers hidden within fell to the ground. They flailed around uncontrollably as blue sparks engulfed their bodies.

I lost sight of Ikazuchi as he then swiftly leaped into the air with considerable force leaving behind a gust of wind strong enough to push me off balance. Looking around for him, my eyes went wide as I saw the two remaining zebras charging me with spears outstretched. They were so close to me that I could clearly see their nostrils flaring and their lean muscles kicking against the forest floor.

I didn’t have time to raise my gun. I was going to die admiring some dudes’ legs…

Just then I caught a glimpse of Ikazuchi again, descending on the two charging ponies from above. On his final approach he appeared to blur into two Samurai figures, knocking out both ponies with the hilt of his sword near simultaneously.

If zebras were hard to track because they were stealthy, Ikazuchi was hard to track because of his sheer speed. And this was with his heavy armor on and his giant machine guns equipped, which he never even uses. Maybe Ikazuchi’s blabbering wasn’t just hot air after all.

“You savages dare attack a pony unannounced!” he yelled brandishing his katana. “This is your final warning. Any further provocation will be fatal!”

As it turns out Ikazuchi didn’t waste every striped pony in the area. The electrocuted archers began stumbling to their feet with synchronized moans. Their bodies still remained partially numb as they hobbled and limped back into the forest. The young zebra also picked himself up and nearly doubled over again as he caught sight of Ikazuchi. His previous brashness was all but gone as he skittered off in fear, running head first into more than a few trees along the way. Helping out the two unconscious zebras he arrived with was probably the furthest thing on his mind.

The two manticores were very much dead however. Their furs were almost completely charred off, leaving nothing but a leathery mass of bunched up skin. What looked like liquefied brain oozed out of every pore of their faces.

“This is but a taste of my true powers,” Ikazuchi said admiring his handy work. “My services were worth waiting for was it not?”

“Yeah that was pretty amaz… no screw you Ikazuchi!” I caught myself. “The deal was you escorted me to safety, not drag me along to your cultural appreciation day with the zebras!”

“Are you that daft Raskoponikov?”

“Daft? You wanna talk about daft?” I said pointing my hoof at him. “You’re the one dribbling bullshit about Samurai honor, and here you are terrorizing butt naked ponies with your cold steel. All you want are your damn wings fixed, and screw everypony that gets in your way right? What a big stallion you are.”

“Do not purport to know anything of Bushido,” Ikazuchi snapped back. “And rest assured, these zebras are not some romanticized shepherds of nature you make them out to be. Besides, what would you do if we were not going to griffon lands?”

Admittedly I’ve been so focused on not dying that I haven’t really given my future much thought. Still, electrocuting ponies wasn’t really on my to-do list.

“The earth ponies are finished,” Ikazuchi pressed sensing my uncertainty. “They will be all but wiped out from the face of Equestria, and within a few generations your entire race will be nothing but a distant memory.”

Ikazuchi spoke dispassionately as if he were discussing today’s weather, let alone the extinction of my entire race. A pang of rage burned somewhere within but was quickly drowned out by an overwhelming despondency. I knew firsthand he was right, but when the truth was put into words the reality came crashing down. I never bought into Federation propaganda, never felt proud to be an earth pony (hurray I can’t fly or use magic), nor did I really care for unicorns or pegasus one way or the other. Hell, I’ve killed my own kind just as thoughtlessly as I killed...or at least attempted to kill the “enemy”. And yet, I didn’t want to imagine our inescapable fate: 200 million earth ponies killed to the last mare and foal. Not that I was going to do anything about it. The war was over for me and damned if I ever go back after all I’ve been through.

Guess I just didn’t know what I wanted…except for a damn cigarette. I can’t be doing this without a smoke.

“You can begin anew in a city like Reed,” Ikazuchi reassured. “Whether they are earth pony, unicorn, or even pegasus, the city is teaming with outcasts and low lives like yourself. The griffons are nothing but mercantile whores you see. They have no allegiances to any race, not even to themselves. All that matters to them is bits.”

“Wow you ever think about being a travel agent?”

“It is true I want my wings mended but you stand to benefit from this arrangement as well,” Ikazuchi continued without acknowledging my career suggestion. “And what better way to begin anew than to be put in contact with one of the most prominent denizens of the city.”

“This inventor?”

“Not just any inventor. The great Gershwin.”

“...I’m supposed to know who that is aren’t I?” I said shrugging my shoulders.

Ikazuchi gave an exasperated sigh.

“He is the foremost weapons designer in all of Equestria,” he proclaimed. “Many of his designs have been purchased, copied, or stolen by all of the equine races at one point or another. The machine guns on my back are one such example.”

I felt myself somewhat placated, remembering just how lethal those things were. Still, there was one other important question on my mind.

“And how does a living plush doll know somepony like that?” I asked.

“Mr. Gershwin has a certain...predilection for poison joke I’m told,” Ikazuchi responded. “Pariah occasionally makes deliveries of it in exchange for parts and supplies unobtainable in the Everfree Forest.”

Drug deals. Of course.

How anybody actually enjoyed poison joke, let alone get addicted to it was beyond me however. Just thinking about it made me feel nauseous again.

And all we need to do is kill-

“Zahir,” Ikazuchi said as if reading my thoughts. “You finally make an appearance.”

The lanky zebra seemingly materialized out of thin air mere meters behind us. He wore the same headdress but his sash carried more clay gourdes than before, and his double sided spear looked freshly sharpened. The giant leaf shaped obsidian points cast a menacing sheen, as did its owner's face.

“What do you want Ikazuchi,” Zahir all but spit.

Ikazuchi gave a sardonic smile and scanned his surrounding. Following his gaze I knew he detected many more zebras hidden all around us that I could hardly even hear let alone see. We were surrounded. I gulped down hard and felt my hooves grip the Pepper Box tightly like a frightened kid grabbing on to its mother.

Ikazuchi finally rested his gaze on Zahir.

“Yesterday’s insolence and appalling hospitality demands satisfaction. It is customary for any civilized race to demand blood to amend such savagery,” Ikazuchi intoned. “However, as a noble Samurai I am willing to overlook it in exchange for a certain tome.”

“That is out of the question!” Zahir snapped. “Curse that abomination for putting you up to this!”

“I will have you know that that abomination showed more civility than your entire mongrel tribe could muster after someday finally inventing the wheel,” Ikazuchi smiled back.

I would’ve snickered if I didn’t know there’re at least two dozen arrows pointed at my head.

“Now, you will give me this tome Zahir or I am perfectly within my right to kill one of you to satisfy your blood debt. But surely as a noble warrior yourself, and their Champion, you will spring to their aid,” Ikazuchi said loudly ensuring all the other zebras could hear.

“Naturally you will challenge me to a duel to defend your tribe’s honor and prevent needless bloodshed,” Ikazuchi pressed. “You will stand up for your fellow zebras won’t you?”

Zahir grimaced, knowing he was being played by the pegasus. His eyes darted around feverishly as if the expectations of the surrounding zebras were boring into him.

“Fine you feathered bastard,” Zahir growled.

Zahir grabbed two clay gourdes on his sash and tossed them into the air. He twirled his double sided spear around, breaking each gourde with opposite spear heads. The gourdes shattered into a bluish puff of smoke, coating his spear in a similar hued liquid.

Venom? Maybe this zebra has a fighting chance.

With a primal shout Zahir charged the pegasus, leaping high into the air on his final approach. Somersaulting rapidly with his spear outstretched, he essentially turned himself into a giant spinning glaive.

Ikazuchi still wore a condescending smirk, remaining rooted in place. At the last second he drew his blade, or at least that’s what I think he did. His draw was so fast the katana may as well have materialized out of thin air. Regardless, a sharp metallic clang left Zahir sprawling back. Zahir at least managed to land on his feet. He straightened himself out and resolutely gave his spear a spin as if trying to convince himself he wasn’t completely outclassed.

Hey, I know the feeling buddy.

“You’re even slower than I remember,” Ikazuchi quipped.

Zahir only snarled back as he charged in again.

The clash of metal on metal rang through the forest as Zahir poured down a flurry of thrusts only for Ikazuchi to parry them away with effortless deftness. When it appeared Ikazuchi might grow bored and deliver the deathblow, Zahir disengaged and leaped backwards away from the melee while throwing down a clay gourd to cover his retreat. It shattered with a hiss and splashed yellowish acid in a wide pool forcing Ikazuchi back. A tree stump caught in the splash bubbled into nothingness like a sugar cube doused with coffee.

Zahir wasn’t finished however as he immediately hurled four more gourdes high into the air above the pegasus. Grasping the shaft by the base of the spear head, he then threw his weapon like a boomerang. It shattering the gourdes in sequence over Ikazuchi, enveloping the area in a blackish cloud of dust. By the time the spear began its flight back towards Zahir, my eyes went wide as I realized what he was planning. Scraping a piece of flint over his hoof he sent a streak of sparks toward the dust cloud.

“Burn!” Zahir yelled.

I barely had time to duck behind a log when the air ignited into a fireball as if a Firesprite had been hit. An intense wave of heat roared overhead, singing my mane. When I mustered enough courage to take a peek, a fifteen meter circle of verdant forest had been charred into a black ruin as if a meteor struck it. A funnel of dark smoke rose, whipping up burnt leaves high into the sky.

I scanned desperately for any sign of Ikazuchi.

“Not bad zebra.”

I never thought I’d be that happy to hear his stupid accent.

Ikazuchi jumped down from a nearby tree a few meters from the periphery of the incineration. His fiery red mane looked disheveled but he seemed otherwise untouched.

“Is that it?” he said dusting off his shoulder mockingly.

Zahir remained stone faced.

“I suppose it ends here,” Ikazuchi said plainly.

In a red blur the Samurai dashed forward, raising his katana over his head. Before striking, his movement increased still further, momentarily creating an afterimage. Two blurry figures closed in on Zahir, one striking overhead and another slicing horizontally.

And yet he missed…

Ikazuchi’s raised eyebrow betrayed his utter disbelief.

A smile slowly crept on Zahir’s heretofore contorted mouth until he finally burst out laughing.

“You’re slower than I remember,” Zahir taunted back.

Ikazuchi defiantly wiped his sword into a combative stance and rushed forward. Again he rapidly blurred as he struck, splitting into two afterimages...and again he hit nothing but air. Zahir elegantly dodged the blows, as though his body was water simply making way for Ikazuchi’s blade.

“Impossible…” Ikazuchi stammered. “I’m the fastest warrior in all of Equestria!”

“Perhaps it’s time you took this a little more seriously, and took your armor off” Zahir cackled.

“I do not need to shed my armor against a mere savage!” Ikazuchi roared as he charged back in.

Again Zahir swiftly weaved past strike after strike. As he sidestepped another blow, this time he countered with a blazingly fast kick to the stomach that send Ikazuchi tumbling back. Zahir rushed after him before Ikazuchi could recover. Incredibly, as he thrust with his spear, he rapidly blurred into two zebra figures. Ikazuchi managed to block one image with his sword but the other slipped through his guard. A sharp metallic clang sounded as Ikazuchi just barely managed to roll his shoulder plate in the path of the spear head which glanced off dangerously close to his exposed skin. His pride was grievously maimed however.

“How...how have you gotten so fast?” Ikazuchi all but gasped. “You are just a lowly zebra.”

Zahir only smirked as he continued his offensive. With a roar Ikazuchi loosed a stream of lightning from his mouth. Even that however proved futile as Zahir seemingly materialized just beneath Ikazuchi’s chin. The lightning strike clamped shut as Zahir delivered a powerful uppercut following it up with a swipe from his spear that sent his opponent stumbling back. A red gash appeared on Ikazuchi neck, stopping menacingly close to his jugular.

This wasn’t happening.

Not to sound like a jingoistic pegasus but there’s no way a freakin butt naked hunter gatherer is beating up Ikazuchi. For fuck’s sake I’ve seen Ikazuchi go supersonic! I didn’t survive the unicorns, starvation, and killing my own kind just so I can die here in the Everfree Forest. If I knew this was gonna happen I would’ve just offed myself and save the trouble. Dammit Ikazuchi! Shoot more lighting! Take off that damn armor! Or at least suck it up and use that big ass machine gun! Just do something!

I felt the familiar beads of sweat and racing heart of panic set in. My nostrils were overwhelmed by the familiar smell of blood, of salt, of desperation, of...lavender? I instinctively sniffed the air again for that out of place scent, but there it was ever so slightly in the background. No, not precisely lavender but...poison joke!

The realization floored me like I just took a hit of that stuff.

Poison joke!

That familiar bluish hue Zahir coated onto his spear wasn’t venom; it was some kind of liquefied poison joke. He must’ve known he couldn’t hit Ikazuchi under normal circumstances but that was never the point. All that spear spinning and thrusting wasn’t just a showy martial arts trick. Zahir was aerosolizing it across the battlefield this entire time and we’ve been unwittingly breathing it in. Zahir isn’t faster than Ikazuchi. We’re simply hallucinating him being faster than Ikazuchi.

Dammit I hope Ikazuchi is smart enough to realize it too.

A scream from Ikazuchi answered that question with a resounding fuck no. Zahir stood over him, his spear buried deep in Ikazuchi’s collar in a gap between the breast plate and the shoulder guard. Ikazuchi gnashed his teeth at a desperate grasp for composure as Zahir wiggled the spear further into his flesh. Blood soaked Ikazuchi’s armor and dripped down in generous streams, yet he finally managed a smile.

“There you are,” Ikazuchi all but whispered.

Zahir’s raised eyebrow quickly turned to horror as he realized what Ikazuchi meant. It was too late however. Before Zahir could let go of the spear Ikazuchi sent electricity coursing through his body. It instantly traveled up the spear shaft and zapped its hapless wielder. Zahir and Ikazuchi’s furs stood on edge as sparks crisscrossed their bodies like a storm cloud. Zahir fell backwards completely paralyzed, and that was all the opening Ikazuchi needed. In one fell swoop he rose to his feet, slicing Zahir’s two right legs cleanly off at the knees before the zebra even hit the ground.

As he lay helpless on the ground, Zahir looked at his two bloody stumps perplexed until his body began to recover from the numbness of the electric shock. He thrashed around violently, hurling obscenities in between spasms of abject pain.

This was all music to Ikazuchi’s ears as he slowly made his way towards the zebra with smug satisfaction.

“Now about the tome,” he said yanking the spear out of his collar with agrunt.

It was now Ikazuchi’s turn to stand over his opponent. He pinned the flailing zebra with a foreleg and drew his katana. For a second it looked like he was going to sink the blade into Zahir’s soft stomach, but he proceeded only to rifle through his sash with the tip. Ikazuchi stopped when he hit something tough, bending down to pick up a leather pouch.

“Open it,” Ikazuchi said tossing the pouch to me.

Inside was a hardbound leather book the size of an encyclopedia. The dark brown cover was well worn and dogeared, giving off a musty odor. Though the book remained tightly bound by a leather cord, myriad notes overflowed out of the pages, none of it remotely legible.

“This is the tome I presume?” Ikazuchi asked nudging Zahir’s cheek with his blade.

Zahir only spat in Ikazuchi’s face.

That was a yes.

Our elation was short lived however as Ikazuchi suddenly shouted for me to get down. No sooner had I hit the forest floor did I hear the whizzing of arrows overhead. In an instant Ikazuchi was over me picking me up from the ground.

“You cowards!” he screamed at the trees.

He opening his jaws wide unleashing a torrent of lighting, whipping his neck around to spread the destruction in a wide arc. These were no incapacitating electricity however as the blue tendrils crackled violently into the branches, setting them ablaze. Ikazuchi continued to blast lethal lightning into our surrounding as we started galloping away.

“You have a weapon, use it!” he yelled over his shoulder.

Oh...right.

The Pepper Box came to life as I gave the trigger a long squeeze. The bolt slammed forward violently with every shot, making it bounce around my hooves like a fish out of water. It’s crudeness hardly seemed to matter though as I was simply dumping rounds every which way from the hip as I ran. However (in)effective though, the sound of that Pepper Box at least gave me the illusion I was contributing to my survival, and the gave me renewed vigor to keep my legs moving forward. That vigor eventually carried me neck and neck with Ikazuchi as we ran further still. Then I started pulling away…

“Ikazuchi!” I called back.

He was stumbling around with one hoof pressed tightly against his wounded collar, ready to double over.

“Come on, keep moving!” I yelled sliding a helping leg under his shoulder.

“Ah yes our green tea is here.”

What?

One look at Ikazuchi was all I needed. His eyes were bloodshot, and a dumb glazed over smile hung from his face. He took all that poison joke straight into his bloodstream when he was stabbed after all. Ikazuchi was tripping balls.

“Yes indeed the cherry blossoms are quite beautiful this time of year, but I know something pink even more exquisite if you get my meaning,” slurred Ikazuchi leaning in to me. “How about you show me?”

Dammit!

Our pace slowed to a literal crawl as I tripped on a thick tree root, sending us falling forward. I tried picking up Ikazuchi but he was completely unresponsive now. I managed to drag him another couple feet before I fell down again panting and gasping for air. The gangly roots and vine made dragging such a leaden body all but impossible.

With no other option I started pumping clip after clip into the brush from where I stood in a haphazard circle. I didn’t see them but I knew the zebras were all around me now, closing us down.

The Pepper Box stopped firing with a dull thud. I was empty. In desperation I hurled the gun into the forest along with my stick grenades. By the time I realized none of the grenades exploded because I forgot to pull the pin, I was screaming hysterically chucking whatever rocks or branches I could find at the unseen enemy.

Suddenly a series of loud explosions ringed the area as if the grenades generously decided to blow up now in unison. No tell-tale sound of shrapnel accompanied it however as only large plumes of white smoke rose from the explosions. It quickly bellowed into thick clouds, coalescing into a wall of smoke that made me feel like I was trapped in the eye of a hurricane.

As I looked up at the ever shrinking sky, I caught a glimpse of a Federation fighter aircraft...or at least the front half. I recognized the chubby squared off nose and the stubby wings as an earth pony Wombat fighter. As I squinted up at the strange aircraft, I gasped in disbelief as I saw what was dangling beneath.

It was Pariah

Like some metallic tumor, the front half of a Wombat from the wings forward had erupted from Pariah’s back. It shot out obliquely to its spine, ensuring the propeller blades cleared Pariah’s face, but the oversized machine loomed over Pariah like a giant manta ray snatching its prey. Rather than flying, it was more appropriate to say the machine was dragging Pariah’s limp body across the sky.

...poison joke is a hell of a drug.

Pariah's front hooves, which had earlier shot out a cornucopia of melee weapons, now had stubby metal barrels growing out of them. The barrels spit fire as Pariah circled above, raining down more smoke grenades.

After several more passes Pariah nosed over and screamed towards the earth. Before I could protest or even dive out of the way Pariah scooped both Ikazuchi and I as it buzzed the forest like a gale, spraying leaves and branches everywhere. The humid cacophony of the forest was soon replaced by the deafening sound of wind as we climbed into the sky, arrows nipped at our heels.

As the trees below grew smaller and smaller until I could hardly distinguish it as nothing but solid green, I finally felt my breathing calm down to something resembling normality.

I didn’t know if I was high still or what but I could care less. I had enough of the Everfree Forest for a lifetime.

Chapter 5

By the time we finally landed Ikazuchi was starting to sober up again, which was a pretty good sign Pariah is actually as bizarre as I suspected...and then some. And we didn’t land so much as we kind of arbitrarily decided to stop flying, and let gravity handle the ensuing paperwork.

Pariah skidded all over the sky like a mosquito as we started our descent. When it decided we were low enough, it abruptly let us go sending us tumbling to the dirt. Pariah continued zig zagging a while longer until it pitched up in a final attempt at deceleration. The Wombat jutting out of its spine retracted back into Pariah’s body as I’ve seen earlier when it retracted its melee weapons. Its forward momentum and the sheer bulk of the heavy machine however sent Pariah muzzle first into a violent barrel roll that would’ve snapped a normal pony’s neck at least thrice over.

By the time I was on my feet again, Pariah was already galloping back towards us. Like before, black threads magically sewed up the giant tear in its back where the fighter plane came out. Pariah looked me over before giving me an approving nod, then went for Ikazuchi.

Although I got away with just bumps and scratches, Ikazuchi with his heavy armor, pile drove into the ground burying himself up to his torso. Pariah yanked him out like a turnip by a hind leg and immediately went to work on his wounded collar. From a leather saddlebag it pulled out a smaller set of gourds and herbs I’ve seen earlier in its home.

“You’re a crazy bastard Ikazuchi, purposely getting stabbed like that,” I said as Pariah started applying the acid like medicine.

“What!” Ikazuchi winced. “No self respecting warrior would ever intentionally let himself be hit.”

“Wait, I thought you knew about the poison joke? Didn’t you let Zahir strike you so you can shock him back?”

“A Samurai has not the idle time for recreational drugs that poisons the mind,” Ikazuchi exclaimed. “I was simply out of practice and let a mere savage outpace me.”

I stared back at him dumbfounded. This guy literally had the power of the heavens at his hoof yet he wielded it like a complete idiot, shedding body parts with every encounter.

“Ikazuchi you just might be the most ingenious retard to ever walk Equestria,” I said shaking my head.

As I walked off to take a leak I realized Pariah did in fact give some thought to where we landed (if not how we landed). The Everfree Forest was long behind us now, being replaced by a vast high desert that seemed to stretch on forever. Tufts of dead grass dotted the landscape like the patchy fur of a mangy dog. They rustled in the strong wind defiantly, as if desperately trying to forestall their inevitable destiny of becoming the many tumbleweeds that rolled along on their endless journey to nowhere, impeded only by the occasional boulder.

Pariah landed near one of these rocks, giving us somewhere to hide should we come across a pegasus or unicorn patrol, although I don’t think this place has seen a pony in years if ever. Pariah seemed to have other ideas. Once Ikazuchi was treated it moved him to the boulder to rest. Pariah held up the chalkboard to me, and motioned for me to come to the boulder as well.

Too risky to fly during the day from here. Will continue after nightfall. Get some rest, it read.

“I can take first watch,”I said. “You should get some sleep since you’re the one doing the flying.”

Don’t need it, it replied.

Far be it from me to argue with a creature that could easily dismember me on a whim. I nodded and did as I was told.

Sleep did not find me however as I found myself simply staring up at the overcast sky for what felt like hours. White creases of light shined through the gaps in the grey clouds, making me feel like i was underwater in a celestia sea. Perhaps a past me would’ve found it beautiful or relaxing but all I could imagine now was pegasus streaking in guns blazing…

I raised myself up with a dejected sigh. I need a cigarette.

Pariah looked up from its tome, blowing a blueish smoke ring my way. It cocked its head, analyzing me before finally offering the pipe of poison joke.

Some ponies will call it insanity or stupidity; I call it being a conscript. We’ll charge in right behind a pony that’s just been killed, follow the exact same hoofsteps, and get gunned down at the exact same spot. Whatever you wanna call it, I took a hit from the pipe despite every fiber in my body screaming no.

I immediately regretted it as the familiar nausea overtook me and made the world spin. Yet this time it was different. Like a lucid dream, when I willed my head to stop spinning it slowed down. My surroundings weren’t melting like it did the first time, instead only taking on a more vibrant vivid hue. Staring at a nearby shrub I could make out every individual blade of grass, and pick out the minutia of the subtle nuances of their dance as they swayed in the wind. Beneath my hooves I felt every individual grain of dirt, and I was conscious of every hair on my body as they conversed with the breeze and adopted their rhythm...

I could get used to this. My surprise was only just beginning however.

“Pa...Pariah?” I stammered.

In place of the living plush doll was a zebra: a real zebra. She looked up from the tome and blew another smoke ring.

“Is that what it calls itself these days,” she said in the familiar zebra accent. “Fitting I suppose.”

“Are...are you real?”

The zebra frowned then burst out laughing like she saw a pony fail miserably at a backflip on a beer induced dare.

“You’re new to this aren’t you?” she said still chuckling. “Be careful walking the precipice of reality and hallucination my little lost one.”

“Why, why do you call us that?” I asked with my best attempt at sobriety.

“Our ancestors believed zebras were once earth ponies a long long time ago,” she said thoughtfully blowing smoke. “When your kind embraced technology and first stepped out of the forest, a small group of us stayed behind. The stripes on our bodies are gifts bestowed by Mother Gaia herself. They are bindings, symbolizing our interwoven destiny with nature. Or so the story goes anyway,” she shrugged.

“Shepherds of nature! Good on ya!” I slurred.

“I don’t know about that,” she scoffed. “Only when it’s convenient I think.”

“I mean you kicked the crap out of us during the Summer War with just sticks and stones. That’s gotta be something,” I said.

She turned suddenly pensive. “It took more than sticks and stones.”

“Your powers!” I blurted out. “You can shoot weapons and stuff out of your body!”

Huh...could’ve sworn I left my tact around here somewhere.

She initially raised an eyebrow but quickly smiled as you would to a curious colt playing doctor for the first time.

“Yes, the fibers contained in my body can morph itself into any metallic object so long as I’ve consumed an example of it,” she said as if obliging me.

“You’re amazing! Wish I could do that!”

“I can assure you you don’t,” she replied gently.

“I don’t know, if I can pop out a margarita maker out of my back my life would be complete.”

The zebra only shook her head smiling.

“Shouldn’t you be headed to bed now?” she said.

Before I could retort my head felt very heavy all of a sudden. When I laid down to relieve the pressure I quickly fell into a deep slumber.

“Sweet dreams lost one,” I thought I heard her say.

I woke with a shiver as the desert night greeted me with a chilling gust of wind. Pariah was already gathering up her things and donning her saddle bag...her, Pariah was a she right?

“Hey Pariah....uh…,” I stammered

Absolutely genius. Well, might as well just say it I guess.

“Um sorry if this sounds awkward but...you’re female right?”

The plushie zebra only tilted her head quizzically.

“Must you dirt ponies insist on sexualizing everything!” exclaimed Ikazuchi. “My sincerest apologies my noble Pariah.”

Well so much for that.

Pariah seemed to ignore the exchange, climbing onto the top of the boulder. After checking her footing she dashed to the other end of the rock, hurling herself off the ledge. With a terrible rending sound the fighter plane shot out of her back like some parasite bursting out of its host. It belched black smoke as the propeller came to life, sweeping her airborne moments before Pariah would’ve splattered on the ground.

After circling the sky several times to get her bearing, she streaked in to pick us up. Her giant plushy legs easily gripped around our torsos as she climbed into the night sky as if burdened only by two sacks of flour under each arm. Though I was kinda short, Pariah was still a huge pony by any standard. Her proportions were exaggeratedly big like some cosmic god lacked the dexterity to sew her normal sized so just opted to make everything larger.

Pariah however seemed to lack the bravado her girth allowed. Despite a moonless overcast night, she flew low to the ground as if fearing being spotted. I didn’t get it. We were in the middle of a wasteland.

I got the answer the next morning.

Much like the previous day we took shelter near a boulder to rest. As I was about to turn in I caught sight of Ikazuchi staring intently at the sky. I followed his gaze upwards but saw nothing but grey clouds.

And then I saw it.

At first it was only a fleeting metallic glint through a gap in the clouds. But as I looked closer I realized the clouds around it cast a darker shadow, like the surface of the ocean hiding a sea creature swimming just below the surface. I followed the shadow to a patch of open sky where the beast finally revealed itself.

It was an earth pony airship!

The rigid oval hull lumbered across the sky, covered in guns of all calibers like a porcupine. The rear of the airship was a jumble of fins and rudders, complete with two enormous propellers that methodically clawed the air. Atop the hull was a castle like tower, flanked by a pair of turrets to the front and back. From each turret protruded two elongated barrels that scanned the horizon with deadly sheen.

Before the large vessel slipped into the clouds again I caught sight of dozens of smaller airships darting past it. There was a whole fleet up there.

“Three heavy cruisers, five light cruisers, one carrier, and...seventeen destroyers,” Ikazuchi mused rubbing his thin mustache. “How interesting. I did not think the Federation still had that many ships to spare. Futile nonetheless.”

Before I could ask Ikazuchi what he meant the clouds took on a menacing pink glow. I could recognize that revolting hue even if I was trying to drown out that image with whisky: they were unicorn energy bolts. Somewhere in a distant part of the sky was a unicorn battlefleet opening fire.

Flashes of white light erupted from the clouds like lightning as the earth pony fleet responded in kind. They were missing wildly though as I heard the shells harmlessly impact the ground miles away. Black smoke started rising in the horizon from where the shells landed...and the misses were piling up.

The unicorn ships were deadly accurate however. With a thunderclap the earth pony ship I saw earlier breached the cloud deck like a whale jumping out of the sea...if it were on fire. The entire ship was engulfed in flames from bow to stern and plunged towards the ground like a meteor. Burning scraps of metal flew off, sending a rain of fire in its wake.

What is up with our weaponry and fire? It’s like our engineers douse everything in gasoline and stuffed tissue paper into every nook and cranny.

As if to prove my point the stricken ship suddenly exploded violently, splitting it two. More debris flew out of the hull like a hunted beast spraying its innards everywhere. I knew many of those falling silhouettes were ponies. Drafted sons of bitches like me, maimed and burnt horribly on a reunion with the ground at 120 miles per hour…

I turned away and shut my eyes, hoping sleep would find me soon.

It didn’t it.

After several more days we finally arrived at the outskirts of Reed. Pariah landed us several miles from the city, and we continued on foot the rest of the way through the night. Guess seeing a flying plush doll was a no no even to the griffins.

Pariah draped a cloak over her body and offered one to Ikazuchi as well.

“What, you don’t want the griffons to notice you and offer their eternal gratitude?” I joked.

Through the darkness I thought I saw Ikazuchi momentarily tense up. He continued walking without saying a word. I shrugged and followed in silence, watching the bright lights of the city grow bigger and bigger.

By dawn we arrived, and the full magnitude of Reed bore down on me. The entire city was situated in an enormous canyon which rose several hundred feet above the desert. The rock walls were covered in metal buildings that hung precariously off the ledges, and a myriad rusty bridges of all sizes criss crossed the chasm at every altitude. Even in daytime the entire canyon floor was masked in permanent shadow as hundreds of airships were docked towards the top of the canyon walls.

As entirely alien as Reed looked to me, the most mind boggling thing however was the sheer diversity of the population. There were griffons of course but also earth ponies, unicorn, and even pegasus...and none of them were killing each other! The first time I walked past a unicorn I instinctively griped the revolver in my trench coat pocket. He only brushed past me angrily like he was late for work.

And everypony seemed preoccupied with work. Shops practically grew right on top of each other, filled with gregarious ponies trying to sell you wares from every corner of Equestria. You could buy a unicorn plasma rifle, pegasus calligraphy, and a mare of the night all in a single alley way. If ponies weren’t busy trying to sell you crap, they were hurriedly pushing trolleys full of crap presumably to sell to you somewhere down the line. It was as Ikazuchi said; Reed was one gargantuan marketplace.

Despite the sensory overload I did my best to keep up with Pariah. The large plushie zebra pushed past the bustling crowd like a boat through water, creating a small pocket behind her that I struggled to stay in. We traveled for what seemed like hours this way going from one congested alleyway to another, up one windy bridge and down another as we snaked our way deeper into the canyon.

As we pushed our way into another back alley I saw an earth pony and griffin standing over a vagrant sleeping in the fetal position. The two wore thick jackets with leather paddings sewn in, and were heavily armed.

“Get up!” said the griffon kicking the hobo. “Where's your employment papers.”

The hobo jolted up, running his hooves through his tattered coat.

“I...I seemed to have misplaced it,” he offered.

“Yeah?” said the earth pony tapping her Pepper Box. “That’s what you said a month ago. I think you’re lying to us bud. What do you think?”

“Oh he’s definitely lying,” the griffin smiled deviously.

“Wait wait I can explain. Please-”

The griffin cut him off with a vicious butt stroke from his shotgun. Blood soaked the vagrant’s dirty beard as the two dragged him off into the shadows.

“What are they gonna do to him?” I whispered to Ikazuchi.

“Kill him of course,” he responded flatly. “Reed doesn’t tolerate economic inefficiency. If you have no business here you leave the city dead or alive.”

Welcome to Reed: Buy shit or die...awesome.

When I saw the sun again I found myself led onto a narrow catwalk high above the canyon floor. The blustery winds made me instinctively cling to the railings for dear life as I forced myself not to look down at the abyss hundreds of feet below.

Instead I locked my gaze on a circular pagoda like structure suspended a good few dozen meters from the canyon walls. The building was secured obliquely by a single rusty pillar at the base, and by several steel cables from the pointed roof. Dozens of peculiar telescopes and piping jutted out of the patina structure, making it look like a copper pinecone.

Pariah led us to the building's door and started punching in a combination on a adjacent keypad. After several attempts a mechanical voice answered back.

“Who are those two,” it asked.

Friends, Pariah wrote back on her chalkboard.

“Behave yourselves,” the voice warned moments later. The door creaked open.

On the precipice stood a tall light grey unicorn about my age. His shock white mane was slicked back, and deep purple eyes stared back from above chiseled cheeks. He wore a tight form fitting leather jacket in a dark navy with numerous straps running down his legs. The first word that popped into my mind was handsome...urrr no homo. He had the kind of face teenage mares would go crazy for and festoon their bedrooms with.

“You got the poison joke,” he asked in a silky deep voice.

Pariah nodded, producing a large plastic wrapped bundle from her saddle bag. Through the clear wrapping I could see the bluish violet flowers. Pariah drew the package back as the unicorn reached for it.

Don’t want bits. Got proposal for Professor Gershwin, she wrote.

Creases formed on the unicorn's brow.

“Anything you have for the Professor can go through me,” he said authoritatively.

“Is that Pariah!” a hoarse voice called from inside.

“Yes Professor,” the unicorn answered back as he rolled his eyes.

“Well dammit Starswirl, invite it in for tea at least!” the voice commanded.

The unicorn sighed and reluctantly motioned for us to follow him inside. He led us up a twisting spiral staircase until we reached an open atrium. A jumbled mess of vacuum tube screens and incomprehensible gauges covered the walls that rose above a mess of work benches. The work benches hosted a veritable forest of beakers and bunsen burners interspersed with crumpled notes long browned by coffee stains.

Out of the mess pushed forward an old decrepit looking griffon, yet he walked with the guile of a pony a quarter his age. I looked down and realized why. His legs were entirely mechanical, with intricate pistons and gears spitting steam as he walked forward. Atop his torso sprouted elegant bronze colored metal wings, segmented and folded beautifully with divine precision.

“Mmmm come to me my precious,” he cackled as he reached for Pariah’s bundle of poison joke.

Pariah let the griffon take a clawful. The griffon shoved the blue petals into a metal pipe. He lit it and sucked greedily.

“Ahhhhh much better,” he gasped as his eyes rolled back in pleasure. “Starswirl will pay you the usual,” he said blowing out large plumes of blue smoke.

As the griffon turned back towards his research Pariah tapped him by the shoulder and shoved a chalkboard in his face.

Instead of bits I ask you repair my friend’s wings.

The griffon stared at the chalkboard then fixed his gaze on Ikazuchi. He tapped a button on the side of his head, sliding a monocle over his eye. He kept tapping as more lenses fell in place until there was essentially a telescope in front of him. Professor Gershwin continued to study the pegasus until his shoulders started convulsing. Soon hearty laughter erupted uncontrollably from his beak.

“My dear Pariah, I may enjoy your botanical wonders but not enough to aid a mass murderer,” he laughed.

“I no longer serve the Empire of the Rolling Thunder!” Ikazuchi all but growled. “I did not come all this way to be denied,” he exclaimed putting a hoof on the hilt of his katana.

White light burst forth from the unicorn’s horn.

“Don’t try it,” hissed Starswirl from behind Ikazuchi’s ear.

My eyes went wide as I realized there was another Starswirl in front of me as well. In fact the entire atrium was inundated with dozens of magical copies of the unicorn. They all glowered down at us threateningly, horns glowing with magical energy.

"Look, let me speak with Professor Gershwin. I think I can reason with him,” whispered a copy of Starswirl as he shoved us towards the door.

“Don’t get cocky unicorn,” Ikazuchi spit. “You’re on the third story mezzanine, third pony from the southernmost window,” he warned as he obliged Starswirl.

"Yeah you're definitely what I'm looking for," Starswirl grinned.

Ikazuchi paced impatiently on the catwalk.

“Such insolence!” he shouted as he brandished his katana,

The door swung open just before I feared Ikazuchi might slice the catwalk in a fit of rage and doom us to oblivion.

“Alright, the Professor agreed to help you Samurai,” Starswirl said.

“And why should I believe you,” Ikazuchi countered.

The unicorn took a deep breath.

“Look, Professor Gershwin might seem a little...eccentric but he’s a stallion of his word. And if he should change his mind, I’ve worked with him long enough to build you new wings myself should he later have a change of heart” replied Starswirl.

“And I suppose a couple ounces of poison joke isn’t gonna cover it,” I asked.

“Of course not,” the unicorn smiled. “You’re going to have to do a little work for me.”

“Doing what exactly,” I said raising an eyebrow.

Starswirl turned suddenly earnest.

“How do you gentlecolts feel about becoming pirates?”

Chapter 3

The dead grasses around the river banks grew greener and thicker, and the trees became denser as we floated along. Eventually the trees practically grew right on top of each other, twisting and mangling into a contorted canopy as the branches vied for sunlight. The ground too was soon barely visible, being covered in shrubs and giant leaves that could hide an entire pony. The sheer mass of green was accented by bizarre flowers and fruits in vivid color combinations only a kindergartner could imagine. We were finally here. The Everfree Forest was upon us.

I felt so exposed in the middle of the river now. Everywhere I turned I thought I saw leaves moving as if we were being stalked by an unseen predator. And this place was crawling with predators, that much I was certain. The forest was abuzz with shrill cries of animals and insects that made my imagination run wild. Somewhere in the distance I pictured a hog getting ripped open by a giant praying mantis, intestines dripping from its two serrated scythes. Or perhaps a bear was digging into the carapace of a giant centipede, its mouth getting covered in slime with each sickening crunch.

It took every effort for me not to grab Ikazuchi's other machine gun, and start dumping every last round into the forest. I would've been driven completely insane were it not for Ikazuchi's cheery demeanor.

“Yes we are finally here Raskoponikov. Our troubles are at an end.”

Ikazuchi scanned the area with a nostalgic smile as if he were returning to his childhood home.

“Ah, our welcome party has arrived,” he said.

All of a sudden I was flung off the raft and flew clear across the river towards a tree. I crashed against it and felt myself hang there by my trench coat. Looking up I realized my coat was pinned to the tree by a spear. But before I could release myself, my neck was pressed against the tree by two more spear points.

Unable to move my head, I shifted my eyes back towards the raft. It was held in place against the current by arrows pierced into each side, the shaft flying a rope tightly behind it. Two pony figures stood over Ikazuchi with spears. Their black and white striped bodies were completely naked being adorned only with gold neck loops and ear rings. They also wore leather sashes carrying multiple clay gourdes.

So these are zebras. Kind of a strange way to say hello.

“There is no need for alarm,” Ikazuchi proclaimed. “Your hero, Crown Prince Ikazuchi, has graced your forest with his presence. There is however no need for a formal ceremony or any grand display of eternal gratitude. I only require medical care and some food. Ah, and perhaps a lovely mare to keep me company later this evening.”

I cringed. Ikazuchi has such a way with words.

The two zebras said nothing and looked at each other momentary. They then began laughing hysterically, putting their forelegs around each other and slapping their knees. Soon laughter filled the entire area. At least three dozen more zebras appeared out of the tree line on both sides of the river, lowering their weapons and joining in the merriment. Interspersed among the zebras were several impossibly bizarre creatures. They appeared to be oversized lions except they had bat like wings and scorpion tails.

“What is so funny?” Ikazuchi sounded legitimately surprised.

The zebras only laughed harder.

Finally a lanky zebra stallion put his hoof up. He wore a headband adorned with colorful feathers, and wielded a double sided spear. The other zebras instantly ceased laughing.

“Oh Ikazuchi, still delusional as always,” the lanky zebra said stroking a lion creature’s mane. He spoke in a velvety exotic accent that was at once poetic but also condescending. “Why have you come to grace our forest with your presence?”

Some of the other zebras couldn't help a snicker.

“Zahir, I am glad to see you well,” Ikazuchi smiled. “As I have stated, your champion is badly injured and in need of assistance.” He lifted his skeletal wings and turned his wounded abdomen towards the zebra. “You have delayed quite enough but I am more than generous to ignore such transgressions as any noble Samurai would.”

Fearing I might get my throat slit, I fought off the urge to facehoof.

Luckily Zahir did it for me. “You are hopeless Ikazuchi. I fear I may go senile if I speak with you any longer. Leave this forest at once, and I will spare your life for old time’s sake.”

Ikazuchi's face turned as red as his mane.

“You dare speak to your savior like that? I bled for you helpless savages, and this is how you repay me?” he spit. “Without my unrivaled combat prowess none of you zebras would even be alive right now. Now I demand an audience with your elders before I-”

But before Ikazuchi could dribble more horseshit Zahir somersaulted from the riverbank unto the raft. He landed right on the shrapnel in Ikazuchi’s stomach and twisted it inwards. Ikazuchi grit his teeth to keep from screaming until his lips bled.

I was starting to like this Zahir fellow.

“One more word out of you and I will impale your head for the crows,” he snarled. “We were more than capable of defending ourselves from the lost ones, of that make no mistake!” Zahir pushed harder against the shrapnel for emphasis. “And since when has the Empire ever looked after the weak? You know damn well why your blood thirsty race interfered!”

“Um Zahir was it?” I felt the need to speak up before my investment dies. “You’ll have to forgive my pal here, he’s an idiot.”

Zahir looked up and grinned, one hoof still on Ikazuchi's wound. “Ah yes the earth pony. What are you doing with a pegasus, much less one as dense as this one?”

“Guess being around him makes me feel smarter,” I offered. “Look Zahir, I don’t know what the Federation did to you guys during the Summer War but whatever it was I’m sorry.”

“Yes the Earth Federation. That was the banner under which you lost ones unite under these days. It is hard to keep track as your leadership changes so often,” Zahir mused. “But your apology rings hollow earth pony for we do not begrudge you for the invasion.”

“Invasion?”

Zahir gently chuckled as a father would to an innocent colt asking a foalish question.

“This is why we do not hate you despite what your race has done. Nay, we pity you; pity the thousands of ponies tossed into the maws of war, ignorant of why they fight or why they die.”

Zahir pointed to me. “That uniform you wear, you are one of these unfortunate souls yes? The Federation finds itself locked in yet another conflict.”

“Yeah, in fact Prince Charming and I ran away from one of the battles together.”

“How interesting,” Zahir said as he looked down at the pegasus. "What have you gotten yourself into Ikazuchi?"

Zahir continued staring at him, momentarily lost in thought.

“Very well,” he finally sighed. “I cannot abide my race aiding combatants in your pointless wars but I am not opposed to having some…thing help you.”

Wait don’t tell me those lion things shit medical poultices.

“It is a pariah, so far gone down a path of self destruction and blind ambition that it is beyond redemption. But because of this, it cannot be tainted any further than it already is by involving itself in your war.”

“Sounds..legit” I said shifting my eyes.

“Fear not. Though it is an abomination against nature, its ability for alchemy is equally unreal,” Zahir reassured. “Take this river further down until you see a fork. Stay to the right side and eventually you will see its abode.”

With Zahir's nod I felt the spears lowered from my throat. The zebras and the lion creatures back pedaled noisily into the forest and disappeared as if consumed by a fog. Zahir himself gracefully leaped off the raft and landed on the opposite bank from me.

“It is not often I get a chance to see a lost one outside of battle. Though you must depart this forest as soon as you are able, perhaps our paths will cross again, hopefully not at the point of a spear.”

Zahir turned to leave.

“Wait,” I called back. “What happened during the Summer War?”

“Your companion can answer that better than most,” he answered over his shoulder.

With that he disappeared, leaving only Ikazuchi and me on the river again.

“If you die on me I’m going to fucking kill you,” I said pushing my wadded up trench coat harder against his abdomen. Ikazuchi only gave a low moan.

His wound was enlarged and bleeding again after his little homecoming. We were an hours down the river after taking the fork Zahir mentioned. I was running out of sunlight to safely navigate on water, and I wasn't sure Ikazuchi could survive the night.

Finally as I was about to start pulling my mane out I saw a warm glow piercing through the tree line. As I got closer I realized the light was trickling underneath a craggy wooden door blocking off a mouth of a cave. The cave entrance was covered in thick vines, but the narrow dirt path leading up to it was surprisingly well beaten.

“Just hold on a little longer,” I said putting Ikazuchi's hoof on the trench coat.

I beached the log and started galloping towards the door. Reaching the entrance I slowly moved my hoof up to knock but with every inch I was bombarded with grotesque images of giant insects, zombie zebras, and mutated blobs of pony faces, all waiting to devour the hapless conscript who was about to stumble across the threshold into certain death.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

Well, here it goes.

I stood there in shock, jaws wide open and unable to move. I didn't know if I should run in horror or stick my revolver in my mouth and squeeze for surely this place had driven me completely mad. What stood before me on the door’s precipice could not exist even by the incomprehensible standards of the Everfree Forest. This thing was not scientifically possible.

It was…a zebra…a life sized zebra doll. A foal’s plaything stared back at me, its soft plushy proportions covered in crude stitches that meandered up and down its body. I saw my dumbfounded self reflected in its beady black eyes. My reflection was petrified, vocal cords lost in the abyss of the creature’s hauntingly vacant face. It was cold and unfathomably hollow as if I was staring into nothingness.

The creature tilted its head to the side. My blood froze.

It suddenly reared up on its hind legs and with the sound of rending cloth, dozens of blades of every manner shot out of its two front hooves. Saws, spear points, bayonets, shears, axe heads, and katanas covered its hooves making them look like haphazard medieval maces.

I fell back in terror, kicking at the dirt as I tried to scramble back. It was in vein though as I was well within the creature’s range. It raised its hooves high over its head, ready to bring down a hundred ways to die.

“Wait wait wait!” I screamed as I cowered behind my hooves. “Zahir said you could help us!”

The creature’s hooves stopped inches from my eye balls. It tilted its head again quizzically as it retracted its blades back. As if by magic, black threads snaked about automatically stitching up the tears where the weapons came out. Some chunks of what appeared to be cotton were left on the ground except they squirmed about like caterpillars. They globed together forming bigger clumps but eventually flailed around as if they were chocking and ceased moving.

“Please we need your help,” I forced myself to speak. “We're in desperate need of food, and I have a companion that needs urgent medical care.”

The creature turned and walked back towards the door. Stopping at the threshold, it beckoned with its head to follow it inside…or it could've meant go bugger off and die. I don’t know, I don’t hang out with animated dolls too often.

Lacking no other alternatives though I decided to go with the former.

The creature’s dwelling smelled like a greeting card store if a disgruntled employee massacred everyone inside of it.

The cave opened up into a large atrium. Moonlight poured through a large hole in the ceiling, reflecting beautifully off a pond located beneath. A myriad of strange plants grew around the pond apparently providing a constant supply of alchemical ingredients for a laboratory located on one side. Ground up plants and flower petals covered its tables, and gourds of all shapes and sizes dangled from the ceiling. Several cauldrons were boiling, sending up aromas of pungent spice.

The opposite side of the atrium was covered in blood and a cacophony of flies. Piles of flesh and bones were strewn everywhere, with unrecognizably mutilated animals that I sincerely hoped weren’t ponies filleted on workbenches. The butcher shop from hell was completed by insidious looking medical tools and torture devices hanging from the walls. I surely would've thrown up if I had anything left in my stomach. Thankfully the creature was waiting in the laboratory side, clearing a table of mortars and ground up herbs.

Ikazuchi had one foreleg around my shoulder and leaned against me like a ton of bricks. He groaned weakly with every step, leaving behind a trail of crimson as we struggled towards the awaiting creature. Owing to his pain induced delirium or because his head was drooped, none of our surrounding seemed to bother Ikazuchi in the slightest.

By the time I managed to drag his limb body onto the table, he was out cold.

“Is he gonna make it?” I asked the creature.

Without responding it started unfastening the buckles and straps of his armor with practiced swiftness and with dexterity unimaginable by its plushy legs. On occasion it brought a piece of armor to its face, turning it over and examining it carefully.

Once Ikazuchi's wound was fully exposed, the creature tilted its head again inspecting the task in front of it. After a moment it picked out a wooden gourde from a nearby shelf and dumped the entire greenish content onto Ikazuchi's wound. It hissed and bubbled on contact like acid, quickly melting the wound and skin around it into a mush of flesh. The creature then produced a rolling pin from its hoof and began smoothing it out until it was even with the rest of his body. Before I knew it, what was once a gaping hole had completely disappeared, leaving only a large furless scar that resembled plastered drywall.

“Incredible,” I found myself saying.

I flinched as the creature turned to look at me.

“Th, thank you for your help,” I managed to gasp.

The creature nodded.

Somewhat comforted I mustered the courage to continue our first exchange.

“My name is Raskoponikov but most ponies call me Rasko for short. It’s a pleasure to meet you,” I said extending a hoof.

The creature ignored it and walked towards the pond at the center of the cave. It probed the surrounding plants with its muzzle and returned with several carrots, depositing it in front of me.

“Oh, uh thank you,” I said nervously.

I bent down slowly to take a bite, still keeping sight of the creature with my peripheral vision.

My guard however melted away with the first nibble. It was by no means delectable or spectacular. It was simply a carrot and tasted as any other carrot should. But it was a real carrot; not dried and packaged in ration bags but a real carrot fresh from the ground as nature intended. It was a carrot whose taste I had long forgotten and expected never to taste again. So many ponies never got to, yet here I was.

I felt a pang of something within my heart swelling up. Happiness? Sadness? Whatever emotion brewed within me I was feeling again. I felt…alive.

“It’s delicious,” I said. It was the greatest understatement of the century.

The creature gave an approving nod.

“Might I know our savior’s name?” I asked finishing the last of the carrots.

The creature again walked away, this time to its laboratory, and came back with a chalkboard strung around its neck.

Pariah, it read.

“Well Pariah, thank you again for your hospitality.”

I tried thinking of a deft way of asking its gender (if it even had one) but decided potentially pissing it off and getting killed wasn't worth my curiosity.

The creature turned the chalkboard over and started scribbling another message.

Don’t fear me. I mean you no harm.

Of course, how silly of me. Why should I fear a living doll that shoots out sharp objects and who knows what else.

What are you doing with Prince Ikazuchi?

I explained to Pariah how we met and how we got here.

“Hey how did you know his name by the way?” I asked suddenly realizing.

Armor.

“So you saw him during the Summer War?”

The creature shook its head.

Ikazuchi clan is legendary. Heard stories. Decisive during war.

I raised a disbelieving eyebrow.

Pegasus storms take many ponies to create. Some ponies of the Ikazuchi clan can do it alone.

I remember hearing news reports of entire cities getting leveled by pegasus storms shortly before I was drafted. Even while growing up, their swift devastation figured prominently in the apple schnapp infused ramblings of old veterans from past Equestrian wars. Can a single pony really wield that kind of power? Though undoubtedly impressive (at least by earth pony standards), I couldn't imagine Ikazuchi, past out on a table with his tongue drooping out of his mouth, could even come close.

“So what did you do during the Summer War? Your abilities would've been very useful.”

The creature tilted its head.

“I’m sorry I didn't mean to pry.”

The creature shook its head as if to say it was ok.

Long story.

“Well I got all night Pariah. I’d love to hear your story,” I said reaching for my cigarettes.

The pack was empty. But before any irritability could surface Pariah had me covered, extending a wooden pipe to me.

“Thanks,” I said sticking the pipe in my mouth. “You’re real life saver.”

I lit the tobacco with a match and greedily took a puff. I immediately started coughing uncontrollably like I had virgin lungs. It felt like someone dumped a whole pepper shaker down my throat…with some lavender?

I held the pipe up to my face in confusion, still coughing and trying to catch my breath.

“What kinda tobacco is this?”

Pariah looked up from its chalkboard, head canted. It rubbed off what it was writing and started scribbling something else.

Not tobacco. Poison Joke.

“Poison what?”

Don’t tell me I just inhaled poisonous gas. I started to feel my heart race, and the first perspiration of panic breaking.

Sorry I thought you knew.

“What the hell is this?”

I was in no condition to argue however as I suddenly felt very heavy. The room started spinning, and the nausea refused to leave even when I closed my eyes. I stumbled around briefly before collapsing. I felt glued to the floor like I was being sucked in. I looked up helplessly at the cave walls as the colors started running.

The last thing I remember seeing clearly was Pariah’s chalkboard.

You're in for a good time.