Serial Killers Anonymous

by Cytotoxin

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Gore
Length: 1093

What if Mane 6 were all serial killers? Who had their own club?

What if Mane 6 were all serial killers? Who had their own club?

Do not take this one seriously. It was written on a whim, within twenty minutes, and with no intention of ever making anything out of it other then maybe a chuckle or two of the gallows humor type.

Published 2013-07-04 21:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-04 21:20:02 UTC

Noname Chapter

Serial Killers Anonymous.

"Order, order, my fellow bedlamites." - admonished Twilight, banging her gavel for the good measure. It was always a bit of a hassle to get the meetings started. Some of the attendees tended to take their hobby just a mite too serious for her liking. Thankfully, neither Dashs threats to "make rainbows" out of Pinkie, nor Pinkies boasts to "wear your wings like a lederhozen" had ever came to fruition.

She glanced over the table irritably. Everypony was in place. Fluttershy was sitting at the corner, smiling vacantly as she drew the grinding stone over the edge of cleaver again and again. She was always the least problematic of attendees - mind your distance and dont push her buttons, and shed go along with daily agenda, easy as that. Raritys smile was a sharp contrast to Fluttershys - a mask of cordiality pulled taut over the sneering maw of madness. At times, Rarity both fascinated and disturbed even her. How could one find equal aesthetic appeal in prench lace and shredded entrails, she could not envision. Still, the fact remained. While Fluttershy killed on impulse and quickly, Rarity`s victims became grotesque works of art, horrifying and yet oddly attractive.

Twilight cleared her throat, as she glared on Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. So alike, yet so different. Both of them murdered ponies out of belief they can subsume their power, each did so in decisively different manner. Rainbow represented an old clan of Rainbowmakers - pegasi who held the secret of creating liquid rainbows. As it turns out, the liquid rainbow is ponies. Literally. Being the last descendant of the clan had... affected Dash`s sanity negatively, she often feared. After being diagnosed with infertility, Dash became obsessed with notion of creating as much of rainbow liquid as she could... And as "strong" of a rainbow as she could, whatever it meant. For her, it meant capturing and torturing the "strongest" ponies. Though what was the criteria for strongest, Twilight could never figure out.

Pinkie Pie, on the flip side, was a consummate consumer. Her notion was simple - eat the pony, gain their talent. As such, she even made a "parade gown", a patchwork coat sewn together out of all the cutie marks she claimed. Unfortunately, her philosophy put her at odds with Rainbow - each of them having had espoused plans to use the other. Thankfully, Twilight`s own promise to experiment on both of them if either ever committed with the action kept them both at bay.

"Ladies." - she began again, as Dash and Pinkie took their seats, growling under breath, - "We have a new member today." Everypony perked up. Taking up serial murder was not a common hobby among ponies, so every newcomer was a memorable situation. "Shes not aware of us, yet." - Twilight offered, - "As per our usual modus operandi, shes been sent a letter detailing her latest murders and inviting her to visit the meeting place, alone." Rarity coughed - "Excuse me, darling. Did I hear you right? New member is a mare?"

Twilight nodded, shrugging slightly - "Yes, youve got that right, Rarity. I know, I know. All of us hoped to get a stallion in our cosy club someday. Alas, no such luck yet. But still, let us extend our warmest welcome to our fellow murderer... Applejack." With that, she pushed the door open with a flourish, revealing one very surprised apple farmer. "...Tarnation. It was yall fellas who sent me that there darn letter?" - she drawled, dropping the paper on the ground, - "...Ah spose the cats outta the bag, then. What will it be, then? Are yall goin to turn me over to princess or turn me ta stone or what?"

Twilight giggled. "Nothing of a sort, Applejack. Allow me to be the first to welcome you to Serial Killers Anonymous. Well, the last part is really misnomer, since we know each other pretty closely... and even closer now. Still, welcome." - she proffered. Farmer simply stared at her as if she grew a second head. "Yall are killers? Cmon, yer pulling my leg." - she demanded incredulously, - "Ah cant believe yah all would... yknow."

Rarity chuckled politely. "I do know how do you feel, darling." - she offered soothingly, - "I daresay, I had a hard time believing Fluttershy here is the Headpony of Canterlot." Yellow pegasus smiled vacantly - "Oh, it was long ago... I do try not to indulge all that much. Its just that... so many ponies out there could be so much better without a head..." Unicorn chuckled and continued - "As for me... You probably heard about "Living Artwork" from time to time, yes? Again, just like dear Fluttershy here, I do try to withhold from indulging too often, but the crude natures of the world and ponies that inhabit it just... cant be tolerated all the time without some creative outlet. Surely, you understand."

Pinkie thumped her chest - "I eat ponies. Neat, huh? Huh, huh?" She slipped from behind the table, appraising Applejack from all sides. Farmer sidled back from her, nervously. "You would make a great stew. Apple stew, mm..." - pink pony offered, suddenly appearing from other side, - "On the other hoof, Twilight says we shouldnt try to murder our fellow clubgoers, so Im just going to throw you a party later. Not the pony-eating kind of party, dont worry. Unless youre that kind of serial killer."

At the inquisitive stare from Applejack, Dash grunted. "Family tradition." - she proffered gruffly, - "Without Rainbows, there would be no rainbows. And since Im the last of the line, Ive got to make enough of rainbows to last a while." "And I sometimes dabble in vivisection and necromancy." - concluded Twilight with an easy grin, - "So dont worry. Youre among like-minded ponies here." Applejack snorted. "Ah spose so." - she offered after a few seconds of deliberation - "Ah guess it aint much of a surprise to ya that ah do haveta get me a pony now and then to make a batch of fertiliser. Apples aint gonna grow good, if ahm not feedin` them properly, yanno."

"Indeed, indeed. I was just thinking about practical implementations of body essence in plant enhancement, actually, though I was considering it from the viewpoint of symbiosis..." - proffered Twilight, - "But come, come. Im sure we all have some tips to share. Todays topic - "Picking the right ponies to kidnap - dos and do nots."."