Desires and Expectations: Unreachable Dreams and Heavy Duties.

“I don’t understand. Why now? Few times have been in which I’ve allowed my kingdom to see my tears, very few. The last time I had shed tears, only the elements and my sister had witnessed this. Now, for some reason, a stallion whose name I can’t even remember is seeing the manifestation of my emotions. I cannot care less which kind of psychological damage I’ve done to this pony now.

Such is the place where my subjects hold my image. Such altitude it has. Just the small peek into my very core; a small peek into a moment of weakness, can shatter a pony’s sanity. This situation I am in is what almost shattered my own sanity when I had to send my only friend and sister to a very faraway place.

The very same situation almost deceives even me to think that I could handle everything; that I was perfect. Oh, sister, my sister. Could you ever forgive me? It has been years since Twilight and her friends freed you, but I still cannot express how sorry I am. I cannot.

I should have trusted you. I almost repeat that unfortunate incident from a thousand years ago. For how long has this weakness and arrogance been consuming my common sense? Can you tell me, dear sister? You, who has come to know my soul, my heart, my mind better than myself?

How I wish I could tell you all of this directly, but I am afraid I am not ready to burden you with my troubles again. The only words I can rely on you are those of apology. You were right, and I must say I am very glad you were.

She is alive. She is back. She is fine. Golden Passion has been safe all this time. Perhaps we all owe her the fact that our kingdom is not suffering an invasion right now. However, this is how I repay her. By treating her badly and sending her into a dungeon.

She even helped you take a better control of Nightmare Moon with a simple speech composed of words only that who loves you more than anypony or anybody else can take from the depths of their heart.

I must say, I am very proud to see you—“

“Enough!” I yelled, throwing the letter across the room before I could keep reading. From the very beginning I knew this letter wasn’t supposed to be read by my eyes, but the damned curiosity… I just needed to know…

But if I wanted to know, if I really loved her, I would have waited until she was ready to tell me herself! I am not worthy of her friendship, or care. Probably, she already knows I’m betraying her; maybe it was a test and I’ve failed it!

At least I had to make it up by handing it to the one it was directed to and properly apologizing. I was willing to face the wrath of the moon, but I was not ready to face the disappointment of the sun. It would have to wait until the next morning though; Luna was probably busy with court right now… or taking a break.

Suddenly, I heard someone barging into the room.

“Twilight!” Spike shouted in worry “Are you okay?” I turned to look at him with an empty expression which quickly changed into a small smile.

“Y-yes…” I approached him and wrapped him in a hug. I knew he was confused, but I smiled even more when he wordlessly hugged back, understanding that it was what I needed at the moment…

“Twilight… Are you sure you are okay? Want me to call the girls?”

“No. I’m fine as long as you are here, Spike”

A while later, Spike was already fast asleep. I wish I could say the same for myself, but I was actually shifting uncontrollably in bed unable to get that letter out of my head. It was as if something was tempting me to keep reading it, to finally understand at least a minimal part of my princess’ mind.

I stood up and groaned. Taking the letter in my magic I finally set my mind to find Luna and deliver her this letter. It didn’t matter if I was left waiting for court to end the whole night; I just wanted to get rid of it before it could keep tempting me further.

Walking through Canterlot’s dimly lit hallways sure was fascinating and nostalgic, being it a while since I’ve walked through these corridors. The only source of light was Luna’s moon, which hung at a descent height. Probably it was around eleven.

Soon enough, I was already in front of the room where court was being held. I thanked my mental map from my childhood which guided me through the dark maze; otherwise it could have already been morning before I reached my destination.

The guards which lacked in distinctive characteristics, simply stood there with their stoic expressions completely ignoring my presence. It sure was intimidating…

I gulped and gathered enough courage to ask them about Luna, but they kept ignoring me. I simply gave up and started wandering around the castle aimlessly.

Something in my hooves took me to the Canterlot gardens. The moon’s silver light gave the natural filled place an eerie air, its light reflected by the flowers of every color of the rainbow, which were scattered throughout the gardens.

Standing in front of one of the statues, I remembered the strolls I took with my mentor as a filly in this very same place. All those spells I practiced, all those proud smiles from my mentor, and all those comforting caresses she gave me when I failed and nearly thought on giving up. I eventually made it through, of course. I had to, to make her proud.

I groaned, realizing how easily the princess took a hold of my thoughts. I kept walking, not thinking twice of returning to my bedroom and sleeping. I simply walked, my head hung low and my hooves acting at their own accord. My head lifted, and my eyes caught the glimpse of a distinctive sight…

“Luna…” I muttered identifying the owner of the body whose hoof was caressing one of the flowers. The Night Princess had a small smile and tired eyes on her face. Right when she began to walk away I was snapped away from my trance and began to gallop towards her “L-Luna! Wait! Princess Luna!”

“Twilight Sparkle?” she answered to my calls and I finally stopped my galloping, standing in front of her gasping for air. I felt so shameful for not being able to stand even the slightest physical activity. “What are you doing here?”

“W-well… I…” composing myself, I straightened my neck and looked at Luna in the eyes with the friendliest gaze I could muster “Can… can I join you for a walk?”

“Why, of course!” she agreed between light and regal giggles. Our stroll began in silence which I used to formulate a proper explanation and apology, even if I knew things would go everything BUT according to any plan I could put up together in seconds.

“Taking a break?” I broke the silence with a question I would ask any of my friends. Sure, I considered Luna my friend, but the idea of treating a princess so casually still felt a little overwhelming.

“Yes. Even though night court isn’t as busy as day court, it can still prove itself to be… quite challenging, for it is not the amount of nobles that visit which determines how tiresome a session can be…”

“But how annoying the noble is” I finished Luna’s polite complaints and we both chuckled.

“Indeed, Twilight… indeed” silence ensued again, but it was Luna’s turn to talk “So, why are you up and about so late at night, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I… couldn’t sleep.” I lied, knowing the lies wouldn’t be standing forever “Though… there’s something I wanted to give you” the walking stopped and the princess’s teal eyes gave me a questioning look “Th-this…” I levitated the scroll towards her and I noticed her surprise when she saw her sister’s seal.

“Hm? Couldn’t ‘Tia have delivered this to me herself? Is she perhaps taking too seriously her small vacation?” Luna joked, which caused a slight pain to take place in my chest.

“N-no… You see… a couple of nights ago… She… I… Princess I’m sorry!” I slumped into the ground, covering my head with my hooves in a protective manner. My wording was so awkward due to my nerves that the princess obviously interpreted it the wrong way.

“You and my dear sister are together? Is that all?”

“Wh-what?! No!”

I wish!

“Then, please, calm down and rephrase that” must have been my imagination, but I detected some disappointment in her tone. I stood up once again, my face still low to cover the blush across it. I began to explain the whole situation and even when I finished, Luna still carried a small smile.

“How can you still be smiling? I… Aren’t you angry?” I nervously asked.

“Do you perhaps want me to be angry?” she threw one of her cryptic questions. My response was to shake my head vigorously. “In that case…” she glanced at the letter in her magical grip “even if this does contain personal, private information you shouldn’t mind it too much. Believe me when I tell you 'Tia trusts you.”

“I-I see… then…”

“But I believe you will not rest peacefully unless I forgive you, so you shall wait until next morning.”

“What? Why?”

“I need to figure out if there is really anything to forgive, Twilight Sparkle” Luna cryptically said with a victory grin, walking towards the castle's inside.

There were many things to forgive. The fact that I used her to protect myself from reality was something I still needed to apologize for. I still didn’t know if Luna, as much as I, was trying to avoid the subject for the sake of saving us both from some awkwardness, but I was thankful.

Luna went back to court. I went back to my room. And slumber did catch me. I still cannot understand why it was so peaceful, something really warm and soft soothing me in my chest. What I do remember was being half asleep and seeing a shadow pointing its horn towards me.

Maybe it’s true. The Princess of the Night does guard us from bad nights of sleep…

Day 5 (morning).

“Alright. Calm mind. Think of something.” Passion, now with her…his new deep stallion voice, muttered to himself, still inside the same dark alley, sitting down on his haunches.

Last night, she… he decided to sleep since he was aware he couldn’t return to the castle in the state he was in. He couldn’t fly back, he couldn’t walk casually into the castle…

But now that he was well rested he could feel a set of ideas popping into her head. He needed to use all he learned about nobles, but where in the name of Origin was he going to get a nice suit?

“Now that I need Rarity, she is not here… fantastic.” Suddenly, her stomach did the last thing she needed for it to do. It grumbled.

He didn’t know how much time was left until the refined ponies who lived here started to get suspicious (or tired) of him and accused him with the guards. He needed to plan something to get to Canterlot without attracting and convince the sisters that he was Golden Passion, but turned into a stallion by some strange potion that fell from the sky. At first he thought Luna was probably searching for him… her, but that probably would be even more problematic than helpful at her… his current condition and Luna probably hadn’t even noticed his absence, having to attend both day and night court. Unless, of course, if she had decided to take a break specifically at her chambers.

Even more possibilities started crawling up into the poor mare/stallion’s mind, but before he became even more paranoid and caused a whole mess with his last-resource-war-strategies, a refined voice pulled him back into the considerably more peaceful reality.

“Mister, are you alright?” a mare voice asked with the typical refined accent. He looked up and saw a white coated, pink maned mare with a concerned look in her eyes. She was taller than most mares and had a model-like contexture. There was something about this mare… she didn’t seem arrogant or disgusted at him, and actually she wasn’t wearing any special dresses…

“Uhm… I am afraid I find myself in quite a difficult situation, miss” Passion stood up, cleaning the dust from his golden coat.

He wondered how could somepony notice her in such a dark place (even though the daylight was strong) and concluded it was probably because of the catchy combination of colors he had which clearly made a contrast; golden colored coat and dark red mane. However, he had much more important situations at hoof, for example, coming up with a back story; no, he was not going to tell this mare he used to be a mare until he got caught up in an argument with one of his marefriend, Princess Luna’s, night guards and a bottle containing a gender bending potion fell on him from the sky.

She would either laugh and leave, or politely tell him he is insane by leaving him in a psychiatric and apologizing for his subconciousness’ bad omen.

So, this back story which would explain his current situation had to give him a chance, a reason to get to court… oh, how more lucky he could get? Luna was taking care of court! She would definitely believe him!

“And what might this awful situation be, sir? Is it anything I can help with?” Passion was surprised; probably this city had its fair share of kind hearted ponies. He had to admit he had been judging without being completely familiar with Canterlot’s inhabitants.

“W-well… I was robbed and left with nothing…” then, he would have to denounce the act at the court right?

“Oh! I am very sorry! My name is Fleur De Lis and if it is alright with you I would be more than happy to give you somewhere to stay in until we can denounce this case. Would you also be as kind as to give me your name?” surely, this mare’s hospitality was giving Passion’s perspective of Canterlot a 180 degree turn. However, this was actually a freak-out time. She/he did not have a name for her/his stallion counterpart; he was not only thinking of the present, but also of how he was going to deal with ‘the sudden disappearance of a golden coated, red maned stallion’. Suddenly, something in her subconciousness decided to save her.

“Oh, forgive my awful mannerisms, Miss Fleur De Lis. My name is Gallant Palas” he gave a respectful bow.

“Please, Sir Palas, you can just call me ‘Fleur’. No need for so many formalities”

“So, Twilight, are you proposing we can create magic similar to that of the Elements of Harmony using crystals?”

It was early in the morning at Princess Celestia’s chambers. Spike was still happily snoring at my old room, just as expected, and the princess was casually drinking some tea while listening to my explanations. The morning sun, which she had just risen right before I arrived to the room gave the bedroom a warm atmosphere which would have made anypony want to go straight back into bed.

Let’s ignore the fact I was slightly annoyed at being too late to watch the spectacle of Princess Celestia raising the sun.

But, even if things were calm and relaxed this morning in the castle, I couldn’t have felt more exited. At first there was some awkwardness between me and the princess, but once I started talking about my ideas on our experiment all that embarrassment melted away.

“Yes, and maybe it cannot be used to banish evil creatures, but probably it could provide a whole city with energy for months!” this was big. I was doing my best to explain my theories to the princess without robbing them of sense, as I usually did when I wrote down all my ideas. Only I can understand my notes.

“And I take it we will need six different crystals?”

“Precisely!” a pang in my chest made me remember the letter. I saw the princess sitting on her bed before me wearing a small smile and compared her to the princess who wrote the words I read the night before. I wanted to know more than ever exactly how many nights ago this letter was written…

Just who are you?

The letter mentioned the princess and Passion had come into terms with each other, which would answer the question I forgot to ask Passion the day before. The last time I had spoken with Passion before coming to Canterlot Castle had been five days before, when the princess had kicked her out of the castle. That leaves me with the question: what happened the day after? Probably, this letter had been written four to three nights before. Maybe a day or two was enough to get Passion and Luna together… and considering they are both alicorns they have probably met before.

Seriously? Love at first sight? I’m a scientist! Not Rarity!

Um… no offense.

So that meant, in that span of one/two days Passion and the princess could have solved their conflicts. The princess had enough time to realize Passion was actually an old friend of hers or whatever and represented no threat to her kingdom… But if the letter had been created just four to three days before… was the princess still in pain? And what kind of pain was this exactly?

“Twilight?”

“A-ah! Y-yes princess?” I inwardly scolded myself for staring at the princess for such prolonged periods of time while thinking back to that cursed letter. I tried to form a smile which would mask my frustration, but I knew I actually looked really stupid.

“You were saying?”

“Of-of course!” I cleared my throat in an attempt to gain some time to reorganize my thoughts “Well, the balance between the six different charges has to be strictly equal. If something happens to this balance then, well… For something I compare this energy to the Elements of Harmony…” I giggled, but clearly my pun was simply awful “I-if the charges are unbalanced then many disastrous things can happen…” the princess casually took a sip of her tea.

“This isn’t the first time this idea has been proposed” I honestly did not know how to react to this statement “But, out of all of them, you have been the only one who has come so far, my faithful student”

Student…

“I guess it’s only logical… me being one of the Elements and all…” I chuckled, ignoring something very warm growing in my chest. However, this something wasn’t the pleasant type of warm… I think a proper word for this could be… Burning. Something burning with intensity. All I knew is that it had to do with…

Student…

“Well, I am aware you would like to begin this experiment as soon as possible” the princess said knowingly, taking the last sip if her tea and standing up.

Student…

“Yes, princess” I simply responded without objection, swallowing many of the words I wanted to say. Or, better said, scream and shout at the princess.

Student…

“I suggest we should test this on a scale model before doing an actual experiment, but before I’d like to give a few touches to you theory. Now… if you would please give me your notes there are a few ideas I’d like to discuss with you.”

Student…

“Y-yes! Of course!” from a pair of saddlebags which lay on the floor, I took out a small notebook “Here”

Student…

“First, we need to determine exactly which kinds of crystals will provide the exact amount of energy we…”

I obediently listened to her explanations as the student I was, until Luna came to pick us up for breakfast. She had another victory grin, and she shot glances at me every time Princess Celestia turned to look somewhere away from us. I was only confused; what in Equestria was Luna insinuating? Did it have anything to do with the contents of the letter?

Now I was frustrated. Something in me regretted not reading the letter completely when I could, while something else assured I had done the right thing by giving the letter to its rightful receiver. Again, both of these ‘somethings’ were parts of me and I had no idea of what was really going on. Probably I would go insane before figuring it out!

Through breakfast I decided to completely evade and forget what had happened the night before. The time was filled with light laughter and, if I was really not going insane already, jokes which indicated something from Luna. Insinuations.

Just what did this mare know? What did that letter say?

But there was something else Luna, the princess and I wondered…

“Have any of you seen Passion?”

“R-really, Miss Fleur” Passion, now known as Palas by the inhabitants of the fancy house he was currently staying in, indirectly complained while his hostess, Fleur De Lis, fixed his dark red mane and dressed him up in outstanding attires which belonged to her husband, Fancy Pants, all at the same time “It is not necessary to… do this…”

He was slightly nervous. He still wore the necklace that camouflaged his wings, but it was nothing more but an illusion; not purely physical. His wings were still there, and he could do nothing to make them go away. So with his own magic he took care of adjusting the suits so the wings wouldn't be noticeable, as uncomfortable as it could get. He also had to take special care to his mane; he had to maintain the mane that covered his left eye right where it was. He didn't want to scare Fleur away with the terrible scar he still probably had...

This is why I hate suits...

“Hm, no. I think your style is more… antique” however, Fleur was actually too concentrated to actually pay attention to Palas’s complaints. He had asked for Rarity? Well he got one.

“Is this actually necessary?”

“Of course! It is obvious you have to present yourself with a proper image before the princess!” Fleur said as if it were something logical while she kept taking out countless attires from the closet. Of course this wasn’t as logical to Palas; he knew the princesses in a different perspective. They were dear friends (well, Luna was a little bit more) he could hang around with casually and informally. However, something else had caught Palas’s attention.

“What do you think of Princess Luna?”

“Why, I think she does her job very well, speacially with the sky every night; it is quite the masterpiece and it is so romantic as well! Also, I’ve heard she has taken both night and day court for a week. While I believe she just wants to do a nice gesture for her sister to give her some time to relax, not everypony is taking it the same way.” Fleur expressed with some disappointment and sadness as she fixed one of the attires on Palas. How could ponies still believe Luna was trying to take over Equestria after five years? It was ludicrous!

“W-why? I personally believe she is just as good ruler as her sister! Whatever conflict they had they could have solved it long ago!” Palas tried to defend both sisters, obviously knowing the reality of the situation.

“Yes, I think so too. But ponies believe Luna is… too immature” Fleur commented on a hushed tone while giving the last details to Palas’s mane and suit.

Immature? Because she is the youngest of the two sisters? Well, she is still much, much older than these foolish ponies who can’t even manage their life’s indulgences! They’ll see…

“Well, I’m done!” Fleur said in a sing song voice. Palas took a look at himself in the mirror and stroke a pose just to take a better look at himself…

A shriek coming from the entrance of the room startled both ponies. Fleur just stood there, agape, while Palas was in a fighting stance.

“Oh. My. Dear. Celestia! He is just so handsome!” a mare he had never seen before was standing there, screaming nonsense. Unfortunately, there were many other mares behind this one as well.

“…No…” Palas muttered “Not like this…”