Or Princess Twilight Meets Her Match
It stood there, taunting her, daring her to make her move. For what reason this atrocity existed, or even who made it was an utter mystery. All Twilight knew was this abomination had tread into her domain, and had the audacity to challenge her with its very existence. Defiantly, this eyesore stood against Twilight—and logic itself—with the outrageous claim stamped on its face.
“Pointless button. Warning: Pointless...” Twilight read from its metallic surface. The word “pointless” stabbed at her sense of decency. Nothing in the world was pointless, everything had a rhyme or reason to it, so this button had to also have one. Something pointless—that is something without a purpose—she found the mere thought of something like that absolutely sickening.
Cautiously she approached the menace, carefully tiphoofing closer as if to sneak up on this metal monstrosity. Slowly she skulked across the library, until she stood face to plate with her new-found nemesis. She glared into the polished surface, daring the object to so much as glint in the sun.
“Everything has a purpose...a point...logic!” she exclaimed. “Even Discord had purpose, anti-logic in his case, but still purpose!” Twilight gave up on her stealthy approach to the situation, and was now pacing around the machine. As she walked, she inspected every inch of the vile piece of machinery that had imposed itself on her life today. She examined its back, only to find a gleaming metal surface devoid of any information. There were no screws, or seams, she didn’t even find an engraving that said “Made in China”. Her eyes wandered from the large, solid top, down the thin pole holding this atrocity up.
“There’s nothing here!” she said, frustrated. She took a step back, taking in the big picture once again. Twilight had hoped that seeing the object as a whole would calm her anger, but it only fueled her more. The word “pointless” stood out even worse, almost mocking her as she tried to make sense of this abomination to all that followed logic.
“Pointless! You have it written on you twice!” She stomped across the library, charging at her foe. “Why do you have it on you twice? You have already expressed that you’re pointless with your name! Why then place a warning telling us that you’re pointless?” she accused.
“Or are you stating that your warning is pointless? In which case, why have a warning?” she whined while rubbing her temples. A headache was now throbbing deep in her head because of this monument to the asinine. Twilight let out a low groan. Every time she pictured the button in her library, her brain throbbed in pain.
“That’s it, I banish you! As a princess of Equestria, I, Princess Twilight Sparkle, banish you!” Twilight pointed her hoof towards the door, showing her tormentor its exit. After a moment of silence from the inanimate object, she blushed.
“Why am I talking to a button?” she questioned herself, realizing how silly she had to look.
“Silly?” That word struck a chord with Twilight. She realized she did look silly yelling at an inanimate object. Silly enough for someone to get a good laugh at her expense. Surely they would get a great laugh at Twilight, she just used her royal power to banish a button from Equestria. Twilight glanced around the empty library, scanning it closely to see any suspicious activity. Surely she was alone, she had to be, she was talking to herself this whole time. Twilight might just die of embarrassment if somepony had been watching. Her eyes eventually found their way back to the button that was tormenting her.
“Did Pinkie Pie put you up to this?” Twilight asked the object once more. “Or maybe Rainbow Dash?” She glared at her foe once more, eyeballing it carefully.
“Objects still don’t talk...” she reminded herself, turning red once more.
“Talking counts as a point.” she said, staring at the button for a moment. She waited to see if it would take the bait, and engage her in conversation, but that didn’t happen. Inanimate meant it couldn’t talk, or move, so why Twilight expect it to start doing either of those, she didn’t know.
“You really are poi-” she stopped herself mid-sentence not wanting to admit defeat. She could always discern the button’s purpose with a simple press, but that would be giving in. If she pressed this button, she would feel like she had lost. Twilight wanted to get to the bottom of this, with her dignity intact—well, what little dignity she had left.
Twilight was pacing again, looking at the monstrosity before her. Somepony had put it there, somepony had to have installed this button in library, buttons don’t just appear from thin air. She pondered who would have such a vendetta against her to drive her insane with such a silly—although admittedly effective tactic.
Twilight ran through the list of her enemies, trying to pinpoint a possible lead.
“Trixie has the means, and possible motive, but she wasn’t too upset last time we parted ways. Queen Chrysalis has the motive, but no means, besides this isn’t her style at all...” Twilight thought long and hard.
“King Sombra is dead, Discord is good now, too smart for the diamond dogs, too stupid for Flim and Flam...” Twilight closed her eyes tight as images of everypony she might have upset ran through her mind. “Half of those ponies have a bigger grudge against my friends than me...”
“Alright, pointless button, I’m giving you one more chance, come clean or face the wrath of Twilight Sparkle!” Twilight glared at the nonsensical device once more, this time her eyes showed a burning passion to end this charade. Her horn sparked in a torrent of magical energy to show she meant business.
“Nothing to say?” she asked. “Fine with me!” A magical aura wrapped around the machine. Twilight pulled her neck back, trying to rip the abomination out from the ground it was planted in. The wood around the base wouldn’t budge, the button itself didn’t even flinch as Twilight tugged.
“No more miss nice alicorn!” Twilight’s magic glowed brighter, and sweat formed on her brow. Using all the power her magical transformation had given her, she pulled as hard as she could. A torrent of magic cast a deep purple glow on the library around her. The power she unleashed could have been enough to pull the sun across the sky if she needed, all just to wrench this accursed button from its resting place.
All her effort was yielding no results. The wood the button was lodged in refused to give way, the pole that held the button wouldn’t bend, the button itself defied Twilight’s vast magic by boasting a still pristine surface. But Twilight was not deterred. She pulled harder, and harder, until her horn felt like it would shatter from the immense magical power flowing through it. The tree around her shuddered from the immeasurable power ravaging inside its trunk. Try as Twilight might though, the button would not move.
She finally collapsed from exhaustion, her magic spent, her body sweaty from her struggle. The princess meekly raised her eyes to see the object of her hatred, leering down at her, unflinching in its defiance of her. The button didn’t even have so much as a dent in its polished surface, the letters still looking as crisp and clean as when she first noticed this monstrosity in her library.
“I hate you...” she muttered as she climbed back onto her hooves. Slowly she walked towards her nemesis, her strength all but spent. She placed a hoof against its surface, resting for a moment.
“I just want you gone...you illogical abomination...” Twilight brought her other forehoof to the button. She hovered above it for a moment, mentally preparing herself for what would come.
“You win, just get out of here.” Twilight closed her eyes as tight as she could when she pressed down. After a second later, she released. Her eyes opened after another second. Nothing had happened, no explosion, no bucket of water falling on her head, absolutely nothing.
“N-Nothing happened,“ she said in disbelief. “Y-You’re...pointless...”
Suddenly Twilight shot up from her bed. The sheets were soaked, and she herself was covered in a cold sweat. She panted for a moment, before looking around in complete shock. The room was stone, not the familiar wood she was used to, her bed was much larger than she remembered as well. Her senses slowly returned to her from her sleepy daze. She remembered she was in a guest room at Canterlot castle.
From a small crack in the door, a devilish smile could be seen standing out against the night. Around the smile small twinkles of light sprung forth, and vanished. On the other side of the crack, was none other than the Princess of the Night, Luna. The dark blue alicorn snickered, silently congratulating herself on a successful prank.
“Luna, what are you doing outside Twilight’s room?” Celestia asked in passing.
“Nothing, Tia, just playing a harmless prank on a friend.” Luna laughed as she returned to her night-time duties.
Author's Note
I hope you got a good laugh out of this pure random piece of literature. It's not meant to be serious, nor be thought provoking, just plain silly.
This was my first attempt at writing some E for Everyone fiction, hope you enjoyed.
