Criminal and Political
Once upon a time, Fluttershy went to Hell, which is actually just a really long underground river composed of warm semen drained from Princess Celestia’s bedroom. So anyway, she went there for a swim, and alternatively because she had accidentally ripped the head of Philomena, and for that decided to travel to Hell to avoid being found; after all, the only ponies who go to Hell are Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash and Derpy Hooves(which is also the reason why Derpy erupted with a trail of semen in front of Hitler in my other fanfic, which you don’t know about). Furthermore, Hell is a special place. It is the only place where Princess Celestia can not enter, or else she will be temporarily bound by the river of magical semen. Princess Luna may enter, since she is not Charlie Sheen or a mass rapist.
Leisurely swimming through Hell, Fluttershy began thinking about animals. I would rather not share the contents of her thoughts because I can’t really think of a way to explain them. But it has to do with gore. A few minutes later, she asked herself whether Rainbow Dash and cupcakes have any strong connections. Before thinking of an answer, her thoughts drifted into the animal kingdom again. She almost fell asleep before a heavily muscled brown stallion with sunglasses jumped out of Hell and after him a small one-man boat, on which he landed in a battle stance.
“I’m gonna kick your ass, bitch!” he exclaimed.
Startled, Fluttershy asked:
“Who are you?”
“My name’s M.F.Thomas. I’m a mercenary for the Princess. I was sent to find the pony who ripped the head of Philomena and that’s probably you but I’m high as hell on semen and you’re hot so I’m gonna have sex with you. Look at my penis!”
“I don’t care about your penis,” responded Fluttershy.
“Well that’s too bad! Suck it!”
“But really, I don't want to. It's just too hard and I don't like it that way."
I have no idea what happened after that, nor do I really want to know. Mostly because I’m too lazy to think of something to write. So instead, I’ll tell you what Celestia was doing in the meanwhile.
After sending M.F.Thomas to search for the slayer of the phoenix, Princess Celestia returned to her bedroom and looked down to a tied Dr. Whooves on her bed.
“Ah, Mr. Whooves, I am very pleased with your...volunteering to be my partner, because let me tell you, after thousands of years, you can’t help but get sick of traditional intercourse. Now stay still and show me what your enormous penis can do.”
Dr. Whooves reluctantly obeyed. He figured “what the hell”. Before Celestia could begin playing with her subject, the sound of broken glass reached her ears. She turned to check her windows and gazed at Giuseppe Verdi, armed with two semi-automatic rifles, and Ludwig van Beethoven, wielding two broadswords with a giant hammer on his back.
“Hit it, Verdi.” said Beethoven and a spell was cast to play Verdi’s Dies Irae. “It’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum.”
Beethoven charged at Celestia, wildly swinging his swords and moving at lightning speed, while Verdi shot at her bullets enhanced with electricity and fire. The Princess had created a magical bubble protecting her against damage before the first blow was struck, and summoned Twilight Sparkle in necromancer armor, who, in turn, summoned a group of unholy skeletal penises, despite the fact that there are no bones in the penis. She didn’t really do anything after that.
“Who are you and why are you attacking me?” she asked.
“We are musicians and you are a tyrant and a sex offender,” said Verdi. “Princess Luna should be the one to watch over Equestria, not a mad woman like you!”
“Aye, I have even decided to accept the name Moonlight Sonata in her honor,” added Beethoven.
“Luna? Hah! You fools can never overthrow me! I shall send both of you to the moon. Give me a moment to charge up this attack. KAAAAA-”
Beethoven took off his pants and ejaculated on his hammer. Verdi did the same to some of his bullets.
“-MMMMEEEEEEE-”
Together, they hit her with their semen-covered weapons, cancelling her attack and binding her in man lava.
“-Aaaahhh!”
“Our cream drains magical power,” said Beethoven. “You will soon be powerless and your reign will end.”
Shortly afterwards, he smashed the Queen’s head with his hammer, ending her tyranny FOREVER.
Fluttershy immediately announced her presence by doing nothing, but that’s enough for anyone...or anypony to realize she is there. She had donned the head of M.F.Thomas as a hat.
“Excellent job, you two,” said Fluttershy in a slightly dark but still quiet voice. “Of course nobody could ever overthrow Celestia with a motive of making Luna ruler - that’s why it’s such a good tactic for getting her to lower her guard.”
“As if I’d ever accept Moonlight Sonata as an appropriate name!” Beethoven exclaimed.
“At last, I, Fluttershy will take the throne and dominate all of Equestria!”
With these words her wings grew and turned black, her body pale, her eyes glowing blue, while darkness spread to cover the whole of Equestria and raise the corpses of the dead as warriors of the Lich Queen Fluttershy. This all makes a lot of semen, of course.
Note: I like both Verdi and Beethoven. And ponies.
