Mind of a Princess

by AppleJared

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Discord, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 17049

When Twilight is crowned a princess, how does she coped with her new lifestyle; especially when tragedy strikes her life? Some battles are best fought alone.

Twilight has trouble coping with her new lifestyle. Sure, her friends are there for her, but there is only so much friends can do. In the midst of self-doubt, tragedy strikes her life. With her life crashing down around her, she does something desperate, only to be met with challenges and a few surprises along the way.

This is in the style of a diary Twi writes.
If you fav, please upvote.
Also, I couldn't find the artist of the picture I found but whoever you are, please stand up. Credit is due where it is due.

Published 2013-07-05 22:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-08 17:28:45 UTC

Coping with the Changes

Hi…. Diary. Should I capitalize that? Since it’s not actually a living thing… that can talk back…

I’m basically talking to myself here. This is starting out just perfect.

First off, I’d like to start this entry by stating that it has been two days since the coronation. I have had those days to think about it, and thought about it I certainly have. Since thinking alone rarely helps me solve problems, I thought I would start Ye Olde Diary/Journal. I’m not sure how to do this, or how most do it. I couldn’t find a book on it, but, here we go.

Word of the day: Scatterbrained. I really can’t think straight ever since the coronation.

More words to recognize: Illogical, confused, depressed, nervous, happy, low.

They go on.

An old mentor of mine used to tell me, “Whenever you must solve a problem, you must find the roots first. Go back to be very beginning and start there.” So I did.

I began my training with magic when I was a small foal. That’s what my life revolved around: magic. I lost sleep over it; I lived for it; I ate, drank, and bled magic. It was nothing less than an obsession, and possibly an addiction to boot. I had no desire for becoming popular or making many friends because neither had anything to do with magic, or so I thought. Every day whisked away while I pushed towards my only life goal: becoming a mage, much like Silver Horn, EverFree, and the ever-famous Star Swirl. Gods, I had posters of that stallion suffocating my room as a foal. That’s lame, right? I don’t care; I still have those posters. He was everything I wanted to be, and more. The spells he made changed the world, and still do today.

I think that’s what I want. I want to change the world, not only in my generation, but in generations to come. I want foals to learn about me and my works in school. I want my great-grandkids to be proud of me and talk about how they are related to me.

I’m getting ahead of myself again. I may never have kids, let alone grandkids. Especially at this rate…

I think that is one thing I am terrified of: having my work go to waste. Sacrificing my entire life for what I believe to be a right cause and have none of it change the world. It is not the fame I am after because honestly, I would rather go without the idolization that Star Swirl had. I just want ponies to benefit from my work. I want to know ponies’ lives are better because of me and my work. I guess I want to help others. The thing is though, I’m not sure it will ever happen; and if it does, at what price do I pay? I’m scared of wasting my life on something, of no one caring about my work… about dying alone.

And while I’m on the subject I can’t seem to grasp the fact that Spike will have to move away in a few years. Maybe less. While there is always room here in Equestria for him now, there won’t when he is a full grown dragon. Not even after a lifetime of ponies getting to know and love him as a small dragon. He knows it, I know it, even Celestia knows it. I feel absolutely awful for him, but I think he’s known for a long time that it will eventually happen. I think he’s accepted it, and maybe even deep inside he wants it. He’s always been angry about how he never knew his real parents and how he never felt like a real dragon in a country of ponies. I know most would be angry at him for feeling that way, especially all of the hard work I put into raising him, but I’m not angry. Probably because I know exactly what it feels like to not fit in with the society you live in. When he leaves, maybe then he will have that spot filled in his heart, right after a spot in mine leaves forever, never to be filled again.

Spike is here and I don’t want him to see me cry so if you could just gimme a minute…

After what seems like a month of personal magic training (grueling as it may be), the tryouts for magic school came to pass. I was as usually if anything: nervous, excited, and more nervous. It became my turn to tryout after agonizing hours of prepping myself and psyching myself out. I wasted all of my energy being anxious and I was a complete wreck by the time they asked me to hatch the egg. I had trouble at first, then a blur, then I see the Princess in front of me. She was so much taller and more intimidating in real life and close up than you could even imagine as a filly. She asked me if I wanted to be her personal apprentice for magic learning. I was so shocked I couldn’t even answer at first. I turned to see my parents violently shaking their heads “yes” and I screamed yes several times.

I was more than happy to relocate to the Canterlot Castle, not only because it would be closer to Celestia, but because it was farther away from my parents. I was never too close to them growing up. I was never abused in any way, and they always provided for my needs so if you didn’t look too close it seemed like we were a tight knit family. We were not. Mother and Father were both… mediocre ponies. Lame, you might even say. Because they missed out on several opportunities in their lives, they tried to live through their kids; always pushing us towards greatness, not for our sake but for their pride. That’s probably why Shining left so early for the Guard’s Camp. I am grateful they did that in the end but for a while I thought about giving up my studies to just to shame them. Shining was always a good kid and he took care of me when the parents were too harsh. I was always close to him. I shudder to think where I would be without Shining. So yes, that was the real reason I wanted to live at the castle. I always dreamed Celestia to be the mother that helped and guided rather than pushed and forced.

The next few years can be described by learning, studying and experimenting. It took the entirety of my days to do these and I was seemingly happy. Alone, but if I could find a new spell it was for the greater good; singleness was a small price to pay. That’s what I told myself anyways. Puberty came as more of an embarrassing scandal rather than a learning experience. Celestia told me basically everything I needed to know aforehand but it could not prepare me for what was to come going to happen. I’ll spare all the detail but leave you with the fact that I embarrassed myself constantly around a few of the younger guards and made a decision with one that I still regret to this day. Heh, at least we still talk every once in a while.

After that happened I became a true shut-in. I was scared to death that I would make another mistake like that and I refused to let that happen twice. Out of my constant reading however, I became a powerful unicorn wielding spells that some twice my age had yet to master. I grappled teleportation within a month of trying it and soon I was learning how to teleport within a few seconds.

Everything was going ok… until it wasn’t.

Author's Note

This story is very dynamic and it isn't just a "Mean Girls" diary the whole time. I Pinkie Promise. The adventure tag comes to play soon enough. Let me know of any errors I made and if you would be interested in editing, please let me know as well. I am terrible with grammar and such. CUZ AH'M STUOPID UZ HEILL.
***EDIT***
Thanks to Icarus the Editor, I have posted his edited version instead of what was here before. If you never saw the previous version, this looks a ton better.

What happens at the Club...

Dear Diary, I hope you don’t mind the crumbs while I write. I just bought about 20 bits of desserts from the Cakes and I will eat them all tonight.

I’m so hungry because I’ve been on this diet for about 4 days now and I could eat this entire town. I am on the diet to improve my look: to look more royal. I am no longer on it because of several reasons: I don’t feel like a Princess, I don’t care what other people think, and I shouldn’t be a Princess. It would make more sense if I told the story behind why I feel this way.

Three nights ago, Rarity wanted the gang to go to the new nightclub in town. It’s nothing fancy, and yet it’s not trashy. I had never gone so I agreed to go. I was feeling very good about myself already on day two of the diet. I felt better and looked better in the mirror. Rarity supplied a simple yet elegant dress just royal enough for a princess and just casual enough for me. As the six of us walked in, every living creature in the club stopped, including the music. I was so worried I did something wrong, I just smiled the best I could without sweating. The DJ took the mic and screamed “Looks like this club just got Princess approved!!” and the music continued, but not without the screams and hollers of joy from the crowd. The silence left; my nerves did not. It dawned on me that my opinion mattered now, no matter where I went. The DJ gave me another shout-out during the song and ordered the first round on the house. I sat down and ordered something strong, which greatly surprised my friends but I think they understand my stress. I think. Probably not.

I shouldn’t have been stressed about that at all. I had royal guards with me. Oh did I not mention? They go to all of my major social gatherings with me. Luna wanted me to have personal guards with me at all times, even at the house. I said no thanks. I can protect myself perfectly fine especially at my library, but I compromised with the social events. I told them to enjoy themselves as much as they could while still doing their job so they would take turns finding a good looking mare and dance while the rest stayed close to me. I’m looking out for their fun while they look after my life. Don’t even get me started.

After about 5 drinks too many I realized that alicorns have a higher metabolism rate than unicorns do. I wasn’t at all drunk and just barely tipsy. It was just enough to get the nerves gone, or at least the majority of them. I got up and walked around a bit to get a feel for the place. Before I could sit back down: the DJ asked me if I wanted any special song played, 2 especially cocky stallions asked for a dance, one asked for marriage, 18 mares complimented my dress and the rest just seemed uncomfortable in my presence. I finally got back to my seat and Rarity was already on the hopeful for a certain stallion on the floor. She oohed and ahhed his appearance, his style in clothes, his dancing skills and his body type. She was already making a scenario on how he might come over and ask her to dance and how she would fall in love with him. Then she became sad and admitted that she didn’t stand a chance with him. I didn’t have the heart to tell her he had just asked me to dance, let alone how I turned him down. I can’t dance, especially as a princess. The Sisters would have a heart attack. They wouldn’t have to worry about it anyways, I’m too uncoordinated to dance anyhow... and I’m too embarrassed to try.

Eventually all the girls got on the floor and had a great time, even Applejack. I was worried she might not like the techno sound to the club but she adapted and even found a stallion to dance with. Pinkie was just jumping and screaming the whole time and when she was done with that she broke it down like no other. Rainbow was laughing it away, already a few drinks deep and trying to dance “cool”. Rarity had a few stares since we entered and had plenty of dance partners. Even that guy she was drooling over asked her for a dance. Ooohhhh her cheeks lit up like a fire when he did that. She played it off and accepted like it was no big deal, but I know her better than that. Fluttershy took some coaxing but Big Mac actually showed up and asked her to dance in his country formal style. It was so cute I could have died on the spot. I’m really glad he showed up though, he’s probably the only stallion Fluttershy really trusts. They need to get married and get it over with. Seriously.

That left me, sitting. It wasn’t the first time I just wanted to rip these wings off and just be normal again. Just a regular unicorn, shedding off her social ineptitudes and dancing the night away. Drinking until the bouncers have to ask her to leave. Singing as loud as she can until her voice finally runs out of juice for the week. I just wanted to be normal. I just wanted to dance. I just wanted to be with, and be like my friends again. One pony asked me why I wasn’t wearing my royal garb such as my tiara, chest plate and golden hoof-guards. I told her I don’t wear them much, that I haven’t changed from the old Twilight, and that I’m just like her or any other pony. She smiled real big, bowed, and said, “You absolutely deserve to be an alicorn, Princess Twilight.” Not only was my answer a lie, but her thoughts were false as well. I don’t wear my garb because I hate it. I hate the constant reminder of the new expectations I have on my life. They are a constant reminder that I am no longer the same as everypony, that in fact, I am now totally different. I am NOT the same Twilight. I have undergone a complete, involuntary, and unwanted change. I am not who I used to be. I am not me anymore. Lastly, I have done nothing to deserve my crown. I was a unicorn that studied magic, to a point, much like every other unicorn alive. I am an element of harmony, and I didn’t do anything to deserve that either. I could think of 100 ponies more qualified for this position than I, and yet here we are.

After a few hours, they came back to the table and they wanted to leave before it got too late. We said our goodbyes and exchanged how good of a time we all had. We left around 2 I think. I was crying in the library by 2:30, trying not to wake up Spike.

After the night at the club, I decided that I needed to diet harder because looking better would make me feel better. I took dieting to the next level. I planned out my next day in detail that included what I would eat and when I would exercise. It summed up to 4 hours of exercise and 2 meager meals of salad. I woke up early and began the exercise of endurance speed flying. I was dying by a half hour but I kept it up until an hour went by. I came back and went to busy myself with “royal” business, which included rearranging the library books, again. I then went for a run for an hour and came back for another break and my first helping of food. After the day was said and done, I had successfully completed all 5 hours of exercise and kept myself to 2 meals. I looked in the mirror and honestly, I looked good. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel better. In fact, I just felt hungry; very, very hungry.

My next idea was to try and do more work the next day and see if I feel any better afterwards. Once again, I planned out the entire day full of work and went to bed. After the next day had ended I was still feeling down about myself. I thought some good junk food could help so I planned to break the diet the next day, which is now today.

I tried something new today and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I didn’t plan. Not a single thing was accounted for today. Rarity said my life as a Princess should be more exciting than planning out every day so I’m giving this a shot. I went to Celestia to ask for help on my mental state; and about my depression. I took the 2 pm train to Canterlot for nonsensical reasons that include but are not limited to: nostalgia. As I neared the palace gates, it brought back memories of when I was but a student for Celestia. Times were much more simple, and I had but one task. Study magic. Now things have changed. I didn’t stay on that thought very long because breaking down in front of another Princess is probably looked down upon.

When I asked her what I should do to help my state of mind, she said, “You must figure that out yourself. Only you can find out a solution.” Great, just like old times. Then I asked her, “Did Cadence have this problem?”

“Oh yes, yes she did Twilight”, she said.

“What did she do to overcome this depression?” I asked.

“Your brother.”

Author's Note

I'd like to thank Icarus for an impeccable job on editing this story. He does excellent work.
On a side note, I felt something like this chapter to be necessary in order to get a grasp on how Twilight feels. More to come soon.

Also, Trollestia.

***EDIT***
Due to having my computer die on me, I won't be updating this story for several weeks. I'll continue on as soon as I get my PC back.

It can't get worse.

After Celestia’s crude answer (I almost threw up), I knew this was nothing she nor anyone else could help me with. Pastries, cookies, and other fattening desserts clearly are the answer to my problems. At least, that’s what I’m going to tell myself tonight.

Between you and me, I make those stupid jokes when I’m hiding something. Years of introspection will do that to you. Covering up a problem that you know you may never solve. It kills me on the inside, almost as much as the pressure of being a princess does. The strange thing is, I haven’t had my first task as an official princess, and I’m already a basket case. I thought this kind of thing was supposed to happen when a mare got pregnant, not when something good happened to her! That made me laugh, because this entire ordeal has been anything but a good scenario.

I’ve had others stop me and say how jealous they are of me; how much they always dreamed about being a princess. The irony that this has been a living nightmare for me. Little fillies want their pictures taken with me, and I get FAN MAIL now. As if I needed more pressure in my life…

I tried to work on some formulas today and I got nowhere. Everything just didn’t work out, nothing sounded good. I have these days every once in a blue moon, but they seem to happen more often. More often than not, they stem from me avoiding a problem; a problem which has got to be these wings. Don’t get me wrong, I actually like the wings, but with my horn it makes me a princess. I’m just not cut out for this. I got more fan mail today, and the amount grows larger every day. Most of them are stallions who want to court me (or just get lucky), but some of them are heartfelt, hoof-written letters from little fillies. These fillies have pictures of me in their room, much like I had of Star Swirl. It’s ironic; I have become my hero, and I hate it.

Dear Diary,

Today marks the saddest day of my entire life. My father died today.

It was so sudden, we didn’t even have time to prepare for it. I got a message from Celestia via Spike saying that I needed to teleport to the Canterlot Hospital immediately. As soon as I got there, I saw Celestia herself waiting for me. She asked me to follow her, and I, of course, asked why. She said she didn’t have time to explain. As soon as I saw mom crying outside the room, I knew it couldn’t be good. I hadn’t seen Shining in a while, so I thought he had some military accident. Mom just fell onto me and bawled her eyes out. I didn’t know what to do.

I had a lot of trouble talking to him before he passed. His voice was so weak… so frail. As soon as words would get to my throat, tears would choke them. The whole time I was reminded of all the terrible things I had said about and to him while he was well. I wanted to apologize. I eventually got the words out and apologized, and he apologized for some of the things he did when I was younger. For the first time in my life, I felt close to my dad. He told me that he loved me, no matter what. He said, “Twilight, you’re my daughter, and no mistake you ever make will change that. I will always love you, even if I’m not here to remind you.”

I stayed in his arms for what seemed like an eternity, but then he kind of stiffened up. He said he needed a moment alone. As I went outside, mom went in with him. She also came out a few moments later. She then instructed me to say goodbye to dad. I went in, kissed him on the cheek and said, “I love you dad, and I forgive you.”

As I went through the door he stopped me and said, “Twilight, I’m so sorry; but when you make enough mistakes, you no longer fear death. Some battles must be fought on your own. I love you, honey.”

I heard the flatline before we left the hall.

Dad’s service is tomorrow and I just… just can’t do this. Mom wants me to do his eulogy. I normally don’t have a problem speaking to a large mass of ponies, but this time it’s different. I have done so much wrong to my dad and I never had a chance to make it right. I… truly am the last pony that should do his eulogy. I simply don’t deserve to talk good things about my dad when I did the opposite when he was alive.

Speaking of being alive, I read something today. Trying to get a break from depression, I found a book and did my best to forget what has happened recently. “Anatomy of Alicorns” was a volume that I had found myself owning after my coronation. I never actually finished it, until today. The beginning of the book was drab and full of fluff that was common knowledge. The end, however, talked about the life span of an alicorn. I’d like to quote one paragraph of the book.

“An alicorn is a being that never ages past its prime. Alicorns will mature to approximately 27-30 years old, then aging will cease; many live to be thousands of years old. Alicorns are the sole species that possess a trait called ‘Life Quo’, which enables them to never die a natural death. Alicorns may fall ill, be injured, and even suffer pain, but their life will never be taken by an aging body. However, alicorns can still be murdered, and some choose suicide. Barring these violent means, an alicorn will live forever. It should be noted that no alicorn has ever lived past 20,000 years.”

Author's Note

So after a couple of weeks I got my laptop back and bought a brand new desktop as well. I'll be back to work on this as soon as I get the desktop situated. I have some more chapters ready to be edited to hopefully make up for lost time on here. I also have a few one-shots lined up so get ready for some good ole fashioned cola.

Running Away

Dear Diary,

Words simply cannot describe how I feel. Dad’s funeral service was supposed to be a beautiful service with a powerful speech that not only brought every soul present to tears, but also made them realize how much of a great stallion my dad was.

Instead, hundreds of ponies came to give their respects to my father, only to be left with hearing me fumble over my words and teeter on the brink of tears. I think I only got a few words out before Applejack had to help me off the stage.

After the service ended, I leapt into the air and flew. I stopped by my house to pick you up and to tell Spike that I would be gone for a while. I didn’t know where I was going, but I had to leave. I couldn’t stay anywhere near Ponyville or Canterlot any longer than the service would allow. So through my misty eyes and the near-setting sun, I headed towards the mountains near Ponyville. I flew as fast as my wings would allow in the opposite direction of home. My wings got tired, but I continued through the pain; I could still feel the haunting of home even at this distance. Half an hour into my flight, I realized exactly where I needed to go.

In a book I read many years ago, there was a legend of a “Temple of the Broken” in the heart of the Equestrian Peaks. The mountains there are the highest in the lands, but the story said that those who needed it would find it there. Supposedly, one of Cheerilee’s ancestors made the journey to the temple and found it.

After hours of searching for that place of lore, I felt drawn to a specific mountain up ahead. As I neared the summit of the mountain, I saw what seemed to be some kind of shack. I landed next to the cabin, if you could even call it that, and the top of the door read: “Burdened souls may enter.” Thinking I got the wrong mountain, I went inside to see if it was occupied. Inside the abode was nothing more than a very old bed, a table with one chair, and a few candles. A fireplace was set at the far end of the cabin, and inscribed on the mantle were the words “Temple of the Broken.”

As I write this, I am exhausted from the day’s events; even so, I think I’ll be crying myself to sleep. I still miss my dad so much.

I woke up to the sun’s rays invading the windows near the bed. There were no clocks around, but I would guess it was about 9 am. I went outside to the freezing cold, and found it had snowed overnight. Considering the current season, and the height of this mountain, I figured the cold would be relentless throughout my stay. Speaking of stay, I should have brought that book about this “temple”. I forgot what it said happens here, or what I am supposed to do. I wondered how long I would stay, but I needed to be away for at least a few days before I could face reality again.

Before I started this entry, I thought about dad again. I thought about all the people there at his service that I didn’t know. All those people that probably knew my dad better than I did. I wonder if I’ll ever know any more about him. I want to thank him for all the things he did for me, but now it’s too late.

It doesn’t take much for me to cry these days.

I think I’ll go find some wood for the fireplace.

Author's Note

That's right folks, editor is back on the story. Be ready for more soon.
Because I'm back. Back in black. ;)

This is just a little taste to get those who already read the beginning chapters back into the swing of things.

As I put into the story description: if you fave, please upvote. I'd really appreciate that.

Promontory

Dear Diary,

I tried to fly earlier to find some trees nearby, but my wings wouldn’t work. I then tried to teleport to a lower part of the mountain, but that wouldn’t work either. After freaking out, I deduced that this part of Equestria must be magic resistant, but that still wouldn’t explain my wings not working. I headed back to the cabin and sat at the table in the corner of the room. On it, were scrolls I had not seen since I first came here. The first scroll was in Old Equestrian, but I was able to understand it. Heh, the benefits of being a librarian…

Anyways, it said, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Only the powers you were born with may save a broken heart.” Ever since I discovered the Pinkie Sense, I have learned that there are some things that science cannot explain. Combine that with the fact that I have no equipment to test theories, and I found myself accepting what the scrolls said for face value.

Does that bother me? Of course it does. I practically sweat when I think about putting my future on the line for an old piece of paper written by some potentially crazy pony. Thinking about it now makes my ear twitch, and we all know what that means. However, there is also something calming about trusting something unknown. Placing a bet on something that cannot be proven is probably the most exciting thing I’ve done in years, aside from skipping one of my magic classes.

But that reminded me that I couldn’t use my magic. Everything I had ever studied and the very thing I am known for is now obsolete. I can make do without wings; sometimes I wish I didn’t have them at all. But magic? I need that. Magic is my lifeblood. It’s my personality. Magic is what I am; I am the physical embodiment of the element of magic. Without magic, I’m not even sure I know who I am.

For a moment, I thought I was feeling the helplessness of an earth pony, but then I scolded myself, recalling that all earth ponies have a powerful connection to nature and the earth. The only thing natural I can feel at the moment is how freezing it is outside, and I doubt that is due to anything earth pony related. Grandma Sparkle used to tell me stories like this when I was a foal, about ponies losing their magic. She said that back in her day, it was legal for the justice system to strip a pony of their magic and exile them when necessary. Supposedly, there were some that returned from exile and proved their rehabilitation to earn their magic back, as well as a place in society once more. When I grew older, I began to doubt the story, hoping that Celestia would never strip someone of their magic. Now, it’s hard not to believe Grandma. This experience, even if only gathering firewood by hoof, has been all too eye-opening on how much I rely on magic, rather, how much I am crippled without it.

This morning there was no sun. Nothing bright to wake me up; only clouds. It amazes me how separated this “temple” is from reality. There is no sense of time here, only light and dark. I am here in solitude, so social guidelines are non-existent. Outside, I am a princess; here, without my powers, I am a pony. The only technology this place has to offer is an apparently unlimited amount of candles and matches.

On a different note, I explored more this morning. There is a corner in the cabin with a list of names carved on the wall, as well as some tally marks nestled above the names. Some of these names clearly hailed from a distant past, and the earliest markings could not in any way be considered Equestrian. Towards the bottom of the list, however, were some that I recognized. The fifth-to-last bore a name that read “Swirl”. The very last read “Cel”. At this point, I had to sit down to deeply contemplate this information. I assumed that “Swirl” was my idol from many generations past, implying that he shared a similar problem as I. The last name, however, was unmistakably the current ruler of Equestria.

Mere words cannot describe how this list makes me feel.

After accepting that Celestia herself had been here before, and considering what that meant about her personal life, it suddenly made my presence here much more important. I wasn’t alone in this internal battle. A long list of ponies, and perhaps some non-ponies, had been here with the same problem. The problem clearly wasn’t a recent development either; this list has existed longer than Celestia herself, and longer than even the idea of an Equestrian Monarchy. The tally marks indicate that there were beings here even before the invention of writing. This “Temple of the Broken” must have been here since the beginning of time.

Reading these names makes me feel better. I’m not sure if they should or not, but they do regardless.

I’d always been pressured to be greater than my peers; to never let them see me fail. Whenever I came to dad for advice, “keep a stiff upper lip,” was practically tattooed on his face. I remember an instance when I couldn’t perform a certain spell in magic kindergarten. I certainly knew how; I had done it in my room several times before class. All I needed to do was lift a quill and write my name on a piece of paper. Simple. Easy.

Except I couldn’t do it in front of my peers. I remember Quarter had mouthed “You can do it!” when I nervously looked back to the class. Her eyes and face begged me to be able. She didn’t want me to embarrass myself anymore than I did. The damage had been done, however, and after trying about five times, I admitted defeat and sat miserably down at my desk. I don’t remember very much about the rest of the day, except that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown until I ran home, bawling my eyes out.

What I do remember is the hug my dad gave me and the words he spoke. “Twilight, I know you can do it. Your teachers know you can do it. Your peers know, and even our great Celestia knows you can do this spell. The only reason you couldn’t do it today is because YOU don’t know if you can do it. You had stage fright, Twilight. Do you know the cure to stage fright?”

I looked at him and shook my head, desperately wanting to know the secret to ridding myself of the feeling of failure.

He said, "The only way to beat stage fright is to know you are better than those looking at you."

I took the statement to heart. From that day forward, I recognized that I was better than my classmates because I studied harder, I studied ahead, and I practiced my magic endlessly. I knew I was better because I could perform spells two months before they were taught, and I made sure I could do the spell as well as the teacher, if not better.

But this? This is different.

Here there is no competition. I have nothing and no one to compare myself to, and I can’t be better than myself. I can’t be the elite over nothing.

Maybe that’s the point. Maybe I’m supposed to be here to better myself for the sake of becoming a better pony, rather than becoming better than another pony.

While I read the names, I had to consider what brought these ponies here before me. What makes us so special that we could come here and others could not? Why us? Why me? At first, I thought this place was for royalt only, but Star Swirl wasn’t even honorary royalty; he was just a mage, as detaining as that may appear. But the more I read the names on the bottom of the list, the more familiar they sounded. It dawned on me that most of these names were scattered throughout my history books. Iron Shield was the successful general of the Second Great War. Taulk o’Laut was the first politician to suggest a Royal Monarchy. Won ze’Nuff was the stallion who broke the herd lifestyle and married only one mare. All of these ponies played a significant role in changing history. And here I am…

My time spent here has already put me into shape. Lack of magic means I must do everything manually. I carry every log, find every morsel of food, and run wherever I need to go all by my strength, with no help from magic. While this has proved to be very hard work, I do sleep better at night. I have yet to again toss and turn and endure a fitful night of slumber. I wake refreshed every morning, ready to locate more indigenous food and wood. It gives me great pride to know I can do these things on my own with no help, not only from magic or flight, but also from assistants like Spike. I feel accomplished, proud, and most importantly, I feel able. I like who I am again. For the first time in weeks, I approve of myself. In fact, it’s the first time in years that I haven’t been internally conflicted; I had never felt quite the same after I injured Quarter.

After Quarter moved away, I researched heavily into where she had gone. I put out word that I was looking for her, and, being Celestia’s protégé, people actually looked for her. Eventually, I heard she was in Griffon territory, and that worried me greatly. At the time, Griffons didn’t give aid to ponies of any kind, especially in their homeland. It was always publicly denied, but I knew that lynchings took place in the more extreme parts of North Griffon. I wasn’t sure if I would ever find he myselfr, so I wrote her a letter, and had it delivered to the town she was rumored to be in. In summary, the letter repeated my apology, and, if she could ever forgive me, I’d be in Canterlot, waiting. Months passed, and I recieved no response.

About 2 years later, I was summoned to the peak of Mt. Kaji for a funeral. Apparently, a Pony-Monk had died there. Since a pony had perished technically outside of Equestrian borders, Celestia decided to attend for diplomatic purposes. The Princess and I took a train to the bottom of the mountain, and then teleported up to the top. About an hour later, the service started. I was still wondering why I was requested to attend, but Celestia maintained that there was a reason.

The local monk said the prayers and eulogy for the pony, primarily because no one else really knew the pony. I can still hear his words now…

“She was an adventurer. Though her past haunted her, she never looked back. After enduring great trauma, she turned to nature forhelp. She came to me asking for guidance and offering her discipleship. I trained her in the ways of Eque-Fu, and she learned to use nature for her own good. Despite facing the toughest, most grueling tasks, she never quit. She would never want to be remembered as an idealist, or a monk, or even a disciple. She would want to be remembered as a soul that had found peace. She would want everyone here today to know that she died happy and free. Though some will mourn her loss, I ask you to remember that she found what she was looking for.”

After he said his prayer for her soul, he opened the casket and asked the partakers of the ceremony to approach her body to pay their final respects. Celestia was second to last, and I last. She seemed to take a little extra time to whisper her respects to the female monk. When she stepped aside to let me closer, I was expecting to see an old woman in a monk’s garb. Instead I saw the musical cutie mark, and suddenly realized who it was. It was obvious that many of her bones were severely broken, and the cuts all over her body told the same story of grievous injury. I wanted to know so terribly bad what had happened, but I was so broken inside that I couldn't bear to make the situation any worse. While I wanted to know, the possibility of her death being tragic kept me from asking.

I broke down and cried then and there, in front of everyone. Not just a soft, whimpering cry; a loud, wailing sob. Celestia gathered the ponies together and requested that I have some privacy. I’d rather not go into details, but it certainly was not my finest hour. I left that mountain confused, regretful, and most of all, guilty. I could only imagine where Quarter would be if I had never injured her in the first place. What hit me the hardest was the understanding I couldn't go back and change anything. We neared the castle, I knew that things were supposed to return to normal. I was expected to resume my studies and experiments, and continue where I had left of.

Life is cruel that way.

Author's Note

Being a video game developer takes most of my time these days. Apologies for the eternally slow updates.

A Chance of Failure

Diary,

I could feel the breeze on my mane while I watched the sun rise. The pink and purple of my mane just seemed to intertwine perfectly, as if they were playing tag with each other. The sun itself was warm and inciting a feeling of peace that I had never experienced. Yellow just seemed to caress structures around me. I felt like I was in a nostalgic book of paradise. Instead I look down to find myself on a hill, no longer around the buildings I had just seen. Upon a second glance, the hill was on the outskirts of Ponyville. Rarity’s boutique, my library, Sweet Apple Acres, the local school building; all were visible. I had a bird’s eye view of the entire town. Everything was so peaceful.

In the blink of an eye, it wasn’t.

The warmth of the sun left me almost as fast as the yellow star left this new reality. A new sun formed and burned a cold, dark red. The sky was no longer a blue, but a blood-color mixed with a black that was not from a night sky. Fire burned on the dirt roads of my town. Buildings had begun to collapse. Riots had broken out and they were pillaging the entire town. A few bodies lay lifeless in the street. Death was in the air. I could hear a chant to start but I couldn’t depict what they were saying. Suddenly, Celestia flew into the city and in a show of force, leveled an entire building with her magic. Instead of the crowds of riots stopping their pillage, they roared a war cry and continued further. I winced at what I thought would be Celestia’s next move. She would surely fight the riots into submission at that point, but she did no such thing. She stood still, and a silence broke out into the entire town.

Applejack and Rarity marched to the front of the crowd closer to the princess herself as if to confront Celestia. I extended my hoof, silently begging them to stop their defiance. My silence did not deter them. They raised their hooves and began shouting something. Soon the entire town joined in unison chanting “Down with the princess of the light!!” I thought this couldn’t go on. Surely Celestia would intervene for her own namesake. Punishment was due, even if some of my friends were in the crowd.

AJ and Rarity had some kind of verbal altercation with the princess. It seemed like they were making a proposal of some kind…
and by her steps through the crowd she seemingly accepted their terms. She was in no danger, and in fact AJ and Rarity followed her. As she walked toward the east wing of the town, the crowds became one giant riot and followed her lead. The procession stopped at my library which was yet untouched. Then she looked at me, miles away and her eyes lit up. The fourth wall now broken, I had a panic attack from the lack of presence my body suddenly felt. Next thing I knew I was inside the library. It smelled of oak wood burning, which upon a frantic glance, the tree was not on fire. No, not a fire, but a blaze of from Tartarus itself. Celestia opened the door and shouted “This is what happens, Twilight.” After that she magically sealed the door. The flames came closer to me and the heat became unbearable. As I felt the tongues of flame burn my fur, the tickling of hope left my body. Everything started to fade to black. Tears of betrayal evaporated before they could hit the ground. In the final seconds, I could finally hear what they were chanting.

“Down with Princess Twilight”

Next thing I remember was feeling wet. Everything was drenched in sweat. I tried to roll over in the bed to find a dry spot. Between being awake and finishing the nightmare, I felt something strange happen inside the cabin. I just felt something unnatural next to me and by the time I got my eyes to function, the door to the cabin closed. I pulled the cover over my head and tried to not freak out, but it was hard knowing something was right next to me while I was sleeping. It was probably a mountain goat or something. At least, I hope it was just a mountain goat. I got up and checked to see if anyone was still inside or around the place. Nothing. I got some food out that I stored from yesterday and set it on the table, hoping some food might calm my nerves. I placed the food on the table only to find a note laying on the surface. It read, “In three days, make a journey towards the largest star in the sky. There, the journey ends.”

I know better than to do this.

It is wrong in every way to follow the advice of an anonymous note left from ...a billy goat... or something. It goes against every bit of common sense I have ever attained from experience in real life. In fact, while I am talking about it, this whole place defies more laws of nature and science than I care to list. It is so, so, so, so, so, so….. VERY wrong.

And on the other hoof, I cannot just accept the current status quo. I cannot just sit here and sulk for the rest of my life. Aside from that, thinking logically and only basing actions off of science has brought me to a place where I don’t feel anymore. I read a book and I do what it tells me. It’s a great plan in theory, but after a lifetime of purely scientific decision making I find that my life isn’t what I wanted it to be. Maybe thinking illogically on occasion is actually the right decision. Maybe the lack of following my heart got me to this point in the first place.

There is one thing I do know. Everything my head is telling me no longer applies here. This place makes you think with your heart. You have to follow what you feel, not what you know. I know what you’re thinking Diary, ‘How does losing the power of your magic and wings help?’ That’s the point, you see. I have learned so much by having those taken away from me. I have to work to get regular chores done now. Working gives me a sense of pride and self-worth; which by the way, I haven’t had since I was a foal. I can honestly see why Celestia would strip ponies of their magic back then. It’s not a punishment, it’s a gift. By taking something you want, and replacing it with something you need you will eventually get both back in return. You learn to live without, and when you get your magic back, you can really appreciate it. Maybe that doesn’t really make sense, but maybe that’s the point as well. Because what has happened over these several days surely cannot make sense to a soul who has not experienced it. Yet, I can feel a difference.

I have to follow where my heart leads, and it beckons toward this star. I have already seen it at night. I know what direction it takes me. I only hope it gives the answer I need. If nothing else, I can't just stay here in this cabin forever. Maybe the star leads back to Ponyville. Either way, I've made my decision and I've leaving.

I’m writing this after getting food to pack for this journey. I have tonight to sleep well, then my trek begins in the morning. I have been very anxious about what is to come, but whenever I get excited my heart tells me to calm down. A quiet voice says it will be ok. I can only listen and act from here.

Diary,

After giving some thought about this, I think this entry is a necessity. I am writing this separate from my diary because this journey will more than likely prove to be dangerous. I should not worry too much as I can only die by unnatural forces, but it can always happen; which is why I write this. I’m not certain how many ponies come here or how often but I will leave this note here for the next occupant.

I have lived a very worrisome life, filled with deadlines and studies. I have devoted my life to the fulfillment of my dreams of benefiting the world through my hard work. Like most young fillies, I thought that my life would be filled with happiness and ease in the future, but such ease has yet to be fulfilled. Happiness, however, I have attained. I receive a great amount of joy from not only my work, however popular it may be, but from the one thing I neglected as a filly: Friendship. I have wonderful friends that can carry me through anything I face.

I came to this temple after my father died because I had so much to regret concerning his life. I came here because I needed to go away for a little while. Before he died, he told me that “When you make enough mistakes, you no longer fear death. Some battles must be fought on your own.” I now understand what he was saying to me. I realized that I don’t fear death; I fear never living. This battle of guilt and depression concerning not only my father, but also my new title has been one I chose to face alone. By doing this, I have learned to not only provide and care for myself, but to love myself as well. The mistakes I have made formed who I am today, and as of today I am on a journey to be content with who I am. I seek knowledge and the light at the end of this tunnel. I hope to achieve this by the end of my journey. When everything is said and done, remember that fortune befriends the bold.

As with anything in life, there is always a chance of failure. Statistically that chance is 86% higher than the chance for success. The same chance that I will not be returning. If this is the case, I hope that whoever finds this can bring this back to Ponyville for my friends to see. If the result of this trek is to become sour, I want all of my friends and family to know that I loved them very much. I would also like them to know that this had to be done.

Author's Note

So after months of procrastination, I feel as though this needs to be finished. If you kept the favorite on this story, I owe you a debt of gratitude. I hope to repay that by finally finishing this story.

This was unedited, minus a few minutes of scanning on my part. If you see any mistakes, please comment and let me know.

New character in the next chapter!!

Coming Down the Mountain

Dear Diary,

After leaving the note on the table I became restless and was unable to sleep for a few hours. I guess I just got myself worked up again so I traveled down the mountain for about an hour to scout out the terrain. What I saw was a little frightening. Gorges and steep drop-offs that tag-team with endless gullies make the trip for today seem impossible. I have no choice but to continue anyways. Since I did not sleep much last night, I feel that it will be easier to sleep later tonight. I feel some kind of attachment to this star in the sky. I can only await to see where this takes me. I will write again tonight, Luna willing.

It has been a long day. I have cut and bruised myself several times from the sharp rocks here and my tendency to trip/fall onto them. The gorges I encountered presented a problem when I needed to cross them. Parts of the mountain were far too steep to traverse down and whenever I would encounter these parts, there would always be a gorge in my way. Seems about my luck.

There was a moment where I wasn’t sure I would survive the trek down the mountain. I slipped and almost fell into what I can only describe as a bottomless pit. It had to go down thousands of feet below the mountain and what little light I had only showed a small amount of detail inside the crevice. It was a large tunnel with a ramp/stairs on the walls on the inside. It seemed like something a pack of diamond dogs might do but the entry point was far too wide. It was large enough for a dragon to use but I’ve never heard of underground dragon lairs. Keep in mind that anything is possible here, wherever that may be. That alone keeps me a bit unnerved.

After finally making it to level ground, I found a small cave at the base of the mountain I stayed on and it seems free of any critters or predators. I can hear a pack of coyote outside but they don’t sound close, (that’s what I’ll keep telling myself). The clouds blocked my view of the sky so I could not go in any direction. I hope to be guided in the morning. I’ve already wrapped the cuts I got from the mountain and I’m fairly comfortable here. Exhaustion seeps into my body as I write, to the point it is hard to finish this entry, I will write again in the morni… [scribble].

It is early in the morning and while I did sleep without waking, I still feel tired. I am ever-aware of dangers around me and it is started to affect my judgment. Still yet, I feel an ever-present urging to move forward. I have plenty of food and water with me to last 3 days, anything beyond that could become dangerous. There aren’t many sources of food around and seemingly, the closer I get towards my destination, the less plant-friendly it becomes. What worries me the most is that I have yet to run into a water source of any kind down here. I can only hope and move forward.

Speaking of here, I should specify where this is. I successfully traversed down the mountain last night as stated in my last post. Looking around, this is definitely outside of Equestrian borders. This only worries me because of the monsters that are allowed to live outside of our lines. The evergreens populate the majority of the land down here but grasslands and tundra to the north are the main terrains. Caves are in good number, which suggest many bears live here as well. For the most part, my way lies between two rows of mountains, both sides spearing the clouds. The air is much thicker here than it was at the cabin so breathing is easier. Permanent snow caps are present around 12,000 – 13,000 feet on the mountains (only a guesstimate) and it feels about 60*F at base level. My instincts have surely taken over and I am on survival mode.

On a different note, I miss my friends very much. I wish to see them and Spike as well. II never thought I would see the day when I would miss his sarcastic comebacks with everything I say, but today certainly is that day. t gets very boring walking down here and since I have no one to talk to, I will start to write while I walk. This will lessen the chances of me completely losing it out here. And by “it”, I mean my hoofin’ mind.

Before too long it turned into the second night on base level and when I'm bored my brain often takes me back to the past. I have thought about decisions I made years ago and I am currently deciding what I could have done to change the bad decisions I made. I question the relationship I had with the royal guard, wondering if I should have kept him around. I question whether I should have gone out more as a filly or young mare and actually participated in a social life. I… I even question my life’s goal of being a mage and pursuing magic. This new reality is challenging everything I knew. I can’t even believe I’m saying this but I’m starting to have doubts. I shudder to think how much things could have been different. Heck, some mares my age are having foals by now and look at me… no foals. Not even a special somepony. I just wish that I [… smeared by tears…]

But... ~~if I make it back...~~

But when I make it back, I’m going to change all of that. I am going to be exactly what I want to be. I am going to change what I don’t like about Twilight Sparkle and the only thing that can stop me is myself. My fate is in my hooves and I will make of my life what I wish!!! First comes first: I need to get back to Equestria.

After a much needed deep sleep, I found myself waking to almost-freezing temperatures. I am used to casting a spell on myself to stay warm; but wouldn’t ya know it, still can’t cast spells. As long as it does not drop too low below freezing, I should be fine. Cold, but fine. I wore myself out last night thinking and after some good sleep, I’m ready to focus on surviving this journey. I found the star last night and documented its position in my notes. It still seems so far away. I feel like I should get there faster, but you can’t run and consume the same amount of food. I mean, I’m not going at a snail’s pace but still…

On a personal side of things, I could really go for a bath. I’m not filthy by any means but I don’t think someone like Cadence could last out here. I’ve never seen her go 8 hours without a 2 hour bath. Then again it may be because her and Shini….

Ya know what? Not going to even go there.

Ugh, at least that solves the hunger problem for a few hours; which is good because this is the third day and I don’t have too much food left. I found some berries yesterday and saved them but berries can only satisfy so much hunger. I guess the hardest part is the unknown factor in this equation. Judging from the star’s position last night, this journey could be another two days. It could also be two weeks. And even if it is just two days, I don’t even know what the heck I’m looking for!!! Things are much simpler when they are specifically outlined with detailed instructions. GAH, I’m so mad I could just light a fire spell. Oh wait…

CAN’T DO THAT EITHER.

It’s about midday right now and the sun beaming down along with clear skies brings a warmth I haven’t felt for days. It’s a nice break from chilling winds and the occasional snow. Beyond the obvious discomfort of being too cold, I think I started seeing things last night. I could have sworn I saw a bush get up and walk off not too far from where I slept. It’s clichéd, I know; but it is what I saw nonetheless. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen stranger than that in my years. However, there was always an explanation at the end. Maybe not always, but usually. As long as Pinkie doesn't count on that list then it is almost always. Regardless, I fear I might find an explanation for what is going on... soon.

It didn’t bother me at first. Losing my mind was always a present danger in my line of work. I had accepted that one day, it was going to happen. I accepted the voices I heard last night. As I pulled a blanket out of my saddlebags and migrated into the nearest cave, I accepted their whispering. AS time went on and outside became darker, it seemed as though the sounds were getting louder. What I could not accept is when a particular voice called out my name. After a few times of my name being called out in the middle of the night, I frightfully answered back. As it got louder and clearer, I realized who it was.

“Discord! What are you doing here??” I irritatingly yelled out.

“Funny you should ask, Twilight. I was going to ask you the very same thing.”

“I asked first Discord. Plus, I’m a princess now. You HAVE to answer me!”

“Oh Twilight, you entertain me so. You think that because you have wings now you can boss me around?"

I think about an answer. In truth, I somewhat did think that was the case. It seemed liked he knew that as well. He didn't wait for me to answer.

"I'm afraid that kind of thought may only come true in your slumber. You might be a princess now, but I am the god of chaos. It would behoove you to remember that,” he snickered.

When he laughed it sounded like he was right behind me. I turned around and there was nothing there. “Why don’t you tell that to Celestia, Discord?” I returned. Surely this was another stupid joke of his.

“I have plans for that, baby princess," he responded. "There is a future for her as well. Now back to my question, princess. What are you doing all the way over there?”

I didn’t want to show my weakness. I knew that he would use it to his advantage in whatever he was doing here. “I’m just… fixing some problems.”

“Oh, I didn’t know crying by one’s lonesome fixes problems! You know, I've never tried that!”

“SHUT UP DISCORD!”

“Oh now now, princess. Believe it or not, wittle Dithcord isn't here to hurt you.”

“Yeah right. You weren’t fooling anyone when you promised to be good in front of Celestia.”

I could almost hear his facial expression drop. A serious tone replaced his mocking tone. “No, I mean I’m literally not there with you. Telepathy is a wonderful thing. I wouldn't want to be where you are anyways. Do you know what kind of trouble you’re in?”

I started freaking out. I could feel hyperventilation coming on. “Is Celestia mad at me??”

“Of course she isn’t. Somehow this is like a big inside joke between the princesses except it’s not funny in the least bit. That is, you two don't find this funny."

I could feel my breathing calming back down.

"No," he stated. "I wouldn't worry about that dream of yours coming true."

"Wait," I looked up. "How do you know about my dream? Did you manipulate my dream!?"

"Of course not! I'm not saying that I couldn't do such a thing, but I didn't do it this time. However, I did enjoy watching it! What a show it was! Your performance was was practically on fire!"

"Har har, Discord." I wasn't in the mood for this. He couldn't imagine how that dream made me feel. "You're jokes just keep getting better. Honestly, why don't you just go away? If Celestia isn't mad at me, then I'll just continue making my way home."

"If only things were that easy for you," he said with a grave tone. "Oh no, your trouble is far more dangerous than a pacifist pony princess. You’ve got real trouble coming your way.”

“What is on the way???”

“For starters, one of my old friends, Twilight Sparkle. A very old friend indeed. I would find shelter before he comes by if you want to live.”

“I’m already in shelter, Discord.”

“Then find better shelter, Twilight. He’s coming.”

I didn’t know what he was up to but I knew that Discord did not play jokes when a life was at stake unless he was angry.

He didn’t seem too angry.

I went deeper into the cave I was in only to find hoards of bats. When they flew out I had the whole cave to myself. There was some wood where I stopped so I built a bit of cover just in case the ‘trouble’ came inside. Sleeping was difficult but I wish I could have drifted off before the ‘trouble’ came by. As it turned out, ‘trouble’ was a giant Manticore. His steps shook the entire cave and the rocks rumbled percussion in response. He roared outside the cave to show who was boss to any ears near him. In fright, I accidentally yelped a bit.

He started going inside the cave. I could hear his paws scratch the ground as he moved deeper in the cave towards me. Trying my best to not make a sound or scream for mommy or Celestia, I went deeper as well. I finally found a shaft small enough to squeeze into, but too small for him to get in. As he passed the hole in the wall, I held onto my jaws to keep my teeth from chattering too loudly. He never saw me, but he could smell me.

It was torture for me. He would walk by and then stop, turn around and walk by me in the other direction, only to stop and repeat. He knew I was here, but he couldn't see me. The whole process lasted about 15 minutes, but it felt like an eternity.

Eventually he gave up. Slowly, he turned around and began to leave the cave.

“Quite the beast, is he not?” asked Discord.

“One I’m glad I never got to know." I wiped the sweat off of my face and allowed myself to calm down again. "Did he have a name of some sort?”

“He always enjoyed being called Harry.”

Author's Note

About the obvious tense issue: I wrote this much several months back and I didn't realize how much of a hassle it was to write multiple tenses, nor how irritating it can be to read it. I'll go back and edit what I can but there are some things that will stay the same until I get to a certain point in the story. I hope you enjoy the story regardless. Also, comment if you see any errors.

Encampment

Dear Diary,

I woke up the next morning sweating from yet another bad dream I had. Let’s just say that Harry saw me.

When I walked outside it was warm and sunny. The morning dew was still present and the grass outside looked greener than last night. Everything seemed great. That is, until Discord spoke up.

“My, my princess. When did you become a late sleeper?" he said. "You know your mother would not approve of these lifestyle choices! Oh, and when I say your mother, I of course mean Celestia. Do you even have a birth mother?"

I didn't even give him the pleasure of a response. Of course I have a mother. Idiot.

"No matter," he continued. "I am here to tell you that while I can talk with you whenever I want, I won’t be talking much. You may think that me not talking may be a blessing, but remember that chaos is my home turf and you are practically in my old stadium; right outside the laws of Equestria. You will need my help; which is exactly why I won’t be giving it to you every time you think you need it. You’re a princess now, remember? You have to learn to fix things by yourself. You will be making all the decisions that will play how your life goes from now on."

He went on. "Know this: If you do somehow get into life-threatening trouble while on foreign soil, I might give you advice on how to not die. Other than that, good luck. To clarify, I won’t save you from death, I’ll just talk to you when you’re about to die. I don’t want to put too much pressure on you but your biggest foe dwarfs that of Harry and you will meet her soon enough."

"One more thing," he continued. "You brought up that you don’t believe that I would be submissive to Celestia for good reasons. You couldn’t be more correct. I’m getting something out of this. A small part of the reason why I did what I did, is so I can be there when you went nuts. And boy, what a show that was."

"Good luck, Twily.”

And just like that, Discord left my head-space and paranoia set in.

As the day started winding down, the paranoia from Discord's words slowly left. Nothing bad happened, though I knew it would eventually. Usually I never took Discord at face value but he seemed like he was being serious so I prepared myself mentally for whatever might happen. Being prepared physically was a different story. Dark clouds were closing in around the mountains and temperatures dropped before I found another cave. It was well into freezing temperatures by the time I rested my head. Winds were rising as well.

A storm was brewing.

Earlier in the day I something bit me on my back-right leg and it was starting to swell. I couldn't see what bit me but it hurt pretty badly and I was getting worried when it got hot around the wound. It was clearly either getting infected or it was a reaction, or both. Still, it didn't hurt too bad and I could walk without pain so I kept on.

A few minutes later and my leg started to go numb. I knew at that point I should not walk anymore. The valley I was still in had many boulders on the ground level that had fallen down from the surrounding mountains. I found one with a flat surface and plopped down on top of it. I took a look at the leg again and it had swollen to a frightening degree. The bite itself was small, but the swelling was half the size of my hoof. If I were bit by a species that resided somewhere in Equestria, I would know how to fix this.

Whatever bit me was not native to Equestrian lands and it looked nothing like a bite I had ever seen before. I knew it would be bad.

Then a thought occurred that was almost as painful as the swelling had become.

"Discord would probably know."

It hurt. In fact, admitting that Discord could save my life was more painful than the bite had become. I almost got a headache from the very thought that I would be indebted to Discord for any reason whatsoever; though to be fair the headache could have been a side effect from the bite. After some thought I would not allow myself to die out here from a big bite. I, dare I say it, needed Discord.

"Discord, are you there?" I quietly called out.

No response.

"Discord, I could use you right now."

Still nothing.

"DISCORD!! I NEED YOU." I screamed as loud as I could. If I had to amputate my leg I would make it all the way back to Canterlot just to kill Discord.

"Yes yes yes, Twilight," he groggily responded. "You know, there is a time change between us. I am still in bed, for sun's sake. Whatever nonsense you have planned, it will wait until morning."

I could almost hear him roll over in his bed.

"Discord! I'm being serious! Do you think I want to ask for your help?"

After some pause he said, "No, no you wouldn't. Alright Twilight, what is it?"

"I have a bite on my leg and it's really swollen. I don't know what bit me and the bite itself doesn't look like any bite I've seen before. As much as this pains me to just say it, please help me Discord."

"You're really asking me for help?" he asked with disbelief. "Give me a moment Twilight, I want to savor this moment."

"Please," I responded, with more than a hint of sarcasm. "Take you time."

After a few moments, he spoke up again.

"Well Ms. Sparkle, looks like I get to teach you the lesson today. Just by looking at it I can see that it was not an insect. This bite has two holes instead of one, meaning this was most likely fangs. The bite isn't deep enough to be from a snake, so we can rule that out. I'm thinking spider bite at this point. The the type of swelling going from the colors red and blue, I'd say our culprit would be none other than... pause for dramatic effect... a wild mountain spider, probably the yellow kind. From the amount of swelling, I'd say you've been bitten over an hour ago. You are a very lucky pony indeed if only for the fact that I was here for you."

"...And how do I fix it??" I almost begged.

"Oh well, that. The only way to counter-act the mountain spider bite is very painful. You'll have to find a patch of mountain tulips and crush them until their liquid comes out of the flower, then pour into your bite. It stings, so I've heard."

To my relief, it didn't sound that hard to fix. I could withstand some pain, especially if it meant saving my life.

"Great!" I announced. "I'll go find some of those tulips."

"Wait just a moment," Discord said. "There is a catch to this. You have to find tulips that match the color of the spider that bit you. If you use the correct color, the wound is healed. If you use the wrong color tulip, the wound will become irreversibly infected causing the wound to become fatal. Personally, I think your bite is from a yellow spider, but the blue spider species is equally popular in that area you are in."

"Wait," I called out. "Why can't you come here and check it? Isn't there any way you can know for sure?"

"I'm afraid there is no way to know for sure, and I'm not allowed to visit you in person while you're gone. In fact, I'm sticking my neck out for you by just using telepathy."

In that moment, I realized two things. The first being that I could actually die out here. Sure, I had thought about it while up at the cabin, but I never thought I would really face death like this. I didn't want to go out from a spider bite, not like this.

Secondly, I knew that Discord was really here to help me. I would have never thought Discord could be anything other than a nuisance; an everlasting problem that wouldn't just go away. But I'm sitting here, almost in tears, knowing that Discord has legitimately tried to save my life, when he could have just as easily went back to bed or ignored me in the first place. All he's done is try to help me. Maybe there is good in Discord. Maybe... maybe he can be a good friend.

The rain started to fall as I made my way up the mountain I was closest to, going towards the nearest patch of flowers, hoping they were tulips. Hoping they were the right tulips.

"Thank you Discord, for helping me. I guess you can go back to bed now."

"Oh, whoever said I got up? Now be a good filly and don't interrupt me for a while."

Mountains.

Dammit.

I'm still only in the mountains.

Every time I wake up I think I'm going to be back in Ponyville, even Canterlot. I keep thinking Spike will be in his basket next to my bed snoring. Honestly I keep wishing I was back home. I wake up and there's nothing but these mountains. I'm not sure if I actually like the fact that I can talk to Discord. Talking to myself was less irritating, at least.

I woke to numbing temperatures and gales of wind that was bending the trees outside. I ran out of food last night and the water outside has all but frozen over. I went outside to find a small amount of sleet falling from the skies. Nothing too dangerous and sharp but if this gets worse, I won’t be able to travel. The good news is: I see several smoke pillars in what looks to be about 10 miles distance. If I get there as fast as I can, I should make it there by nightfall tonight. Thank the stars that the bite is gone.

Everypony gets what they want. I wanted to go away. Life brought it to me like room service, wrapped up in a nice bow. I never want to go away every again after this.

There is a problem that I have put in the back of my mind that I need to get off of my chest. If what I find tonight doesn’t like me, I won’t stand a chance against whatever it is. I never took any combat lessons in my life that didn’t involve my unicorn magic. There is a small chance the encampment understands the weight of authority that an Alicorn bears, but it would mean nothing to barbaric species. Even worse, it could very well be a roaming tribe of changlings who could very well know me from the Battle of Canterlot.

I’m sure they would have a bone to pick with me. In fact, they might take a few of mine out for torture.

I can’t think that way. Whatever happens, happens. I sure as Tartarus won’t freeze out here alone, and I'm not going to die of thirst and starvation.

I’m getting close to the encampment right now. About a mile away to be exact.

Things seemed to be going well; then I heard his voice.

“Why hello there, Twilight.”

“Discord. I thought you didn’t want to speak to me.”

“Well as long as you aren’t too boring, I thought I’d drop by.”

“How about you make yourself useful and tell me what I’m about to find, Discord?”

“Hmm, let me think about that… No. I like surprises. I’m sure you’ll love what you’re about to stumble upon!!”

“THAT’S NOT FUNNY DISCORD. I COULD DIE OUT HERE!”

“You almost did once, which makes this even better, princess. I’ll be watching the whole time, by the way. It’s sure to be VERY entertaining.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better.”

“It wasn’t supposed to. This won’t either: what Celestia has failed to tell you is that when one is thrust into royalty-hood, one has to make many hard decisions. You’ll be making those decisions very soon. Your life, and your future will depend on those decisions. Good bye, Twilight Sparkle. For what it’s worth, good luck.”

Author's Note

If you know what movie part of this chapter was paraphrased from, you deserve a cookie.

Also, every time I typed out tulips I accidentally typed out Tupac. Literally every time. Like, I just did it right there.

Arrival

By the time Discord left head space, I was at the foot of the mountain where the encampment was located.

When I lived in Canterlot, I used to talk to the guards on occasion. There was one commander that always seemed to care more than the others under him. He used to tell me stories of the most dangerous missions he went on before he became commander of the castle guard. One day, I asked him how he dealt with being afraid and he always said, "Just put one hoof in front of the other and repeat." So on the base of that mountain, I looked up towards the smoke with more fear than I have ever had in my body, and put one hoof in front of the other.

The mountain itself had a steep incline. I felt like I was climbing more than I was walking at the beginning. About halfway to the encampment it started to decrease its incline and allowed for more of a walking stance. The snow outside was getting thicker as time went on, and it was already pitch black outside. The only lights that guided me were the moon and the fires within the compound. The temperature tended to drop after the sun went down, but usually I would have found a cave by now. The temperature drop was much more drastic when I was still outside as compared to when I was getting ready to sleep in a cave. This cold is getting more than uncomfortable, I could get seriously ill if I am forced to stay out here. I flicked my tail to get rid of the snow on it, and whip in on my body to try and get it off of me. I have to shake my mane about every thirty seconds to keep the snow out of it.

Did I have any second thoughts? Wishes to just stay down in the valley and try my luck? Sure. Going up to meet whatever lives on this mountain could have spelled out instant death. I could have hurt myself and never even made it up. But the roar of my stomach reminded me that I hadn't eaten in more than two days, and I ran out of water in the hours prior to getting to the mountain. I would starve if I stayed in the valley, and I wouldn't go out that way without trying everything else first.

Ironically enough, I think the worst part of the absolute downpour of snow was the visibility. I could barely see what was in front of me, and often I couldn't see at all. This became a serious problem when I came upon a dip or hole, or even when I tripped over rocks on the ground. It also didn't help that I couldn't tell much about my destination until I was pretty close to it. When I got within a certain distance, I could finally visually tell a few details that would tell me quite a bit on those who lived in the encampment.

The place was well positioned for battle, located on the top of a plateau on the side of said mountain. The defense walls tower at what seem to be 50 feet high. The sentry spires are about 75 feet high on the same wall. Smoke pours from the inside of the encampment and light from the fires brighten up half of the mountain in the dark. I could hear communication from the bottom of the mountain but I couldn’t hear the language. As I get closer however, I can see that the sentries are definitely Equestrian in breed, even if they don't live in Equestria. It’s a good start. There are some tribes who do not live under the Sisters' rule, who often kill those who wander into their territory. I can only hope for the best. The defense walls were made of giant wooden stakes about a foot in diameter. The tops of what used to be large trees had been cut off and sharpened to a point to deter climbing over their walls. Two towers, one on the right and left corners respectively, faced towards the outside world and held the watchful sentries. It seemed as though the back corners of the wall went into the mountain itself, therefore not presenting a need for sentry towers.

The sentries saw me about 50 feet away from the main gate and asked who I was. I opened up my wings, to show I was an alicorn. Their eyes grow wide and jaws drop. They immediately left their sentry towers on the walls of the outpost. A minute later, the large wooden gate swung open to show three guards and an old stallion in elder’s attire come out to meet me. The elder introduced himself as Grey Head.

No hoof shake. No formalities. Grey Head looked me over a few times and asks for my name.

“Twilight Sparkle.”

“I’ve never heard of you before, Twilight Sparkle," he said. "We do not keep up with regular Equestrian news often, if that is where you hail from. Regardless, let us go inside. It’s too cold to stay out here long.”

I followed them inside the giant log walls. It felt like I had stepped hoof in a history book. There were ponies inside the compound for sure, but they dressed different than we do now. Their clothing represented a fashion used hundreds of years ago, but since their clothing was geared towards resisting the cold it was difficult to tell what era it was popular in. The sentries' and guards' armor however had a style that became popular during the early Sisters' reign. There were what seemed to be regular ponies inside the walls living in pre-modern houses as well. Something looks a bit off as well, but before I had time to get a closer look...

I was taken into a small house and asked to sit in a conference room. The house itself was only slightly larger than the other huts, but it paled in comparison to what I believed to be a community center. The room I was escorted to seemed to be a very small banquet hall, with enough room to sit twelve ponies. I took a seat at the end of the banquet table, and saw the guards were still in the room, silent. Then the guards left and the elder came into the room and shut the door.

“In all of my years," he said. "I have never seen an alicorn face to face. I have heard of them, and what they look like. You have the wings and horn to match the description” he said.

I breathed a sigh of relief. At least he knew what an alicorn was.

"To be honest, I've never seen a village like this in real life," I said, warming up to him. "It's like I'm in the past, or a part of the history books I used to read!" I said excitedly.

Then he turned and looked at me with an anger on his face.

“But you are very small for an alicorn, at least for the description I have been told! In fact we have heard of a near-by changeling hoard, AND HOW CAN YOU PROVE YOU ARE NO CHANGELING??”

I felt shock, that he would say such a thing. And then I felt...

Confidence.

For the first time in years, I felt confidence. Not the kind of nervous confidence one gets before a public speech, or before going on a date. No. I was in control. A princess would not be intimidated by some old fart who got upset at something. A princess would reprimand him and remind him who was boss. Last time I checked, I was a princess.

I placed my front hooves on the large wooden table and slowly got out of my chair. I looked at him with eyes that said he needed to be quiet.

I spoke calmly and quietly as I said, “Grey Head, I’m not sure who you think you are or what you’re planning to accomplish with screaming. Last time I looked at myself, I had a horn and wings. That makes me an alicorn. I see you have a horn, and that makes you a unicorn. From what I can tell, you probably think you are a powerful unicorn...”

His face gave way to a smirk. He was oozing arrogance.

I continued. “...but even with all of the guards, all the unicorns, and all the power you could muster, I would destroy you in a duel.”

The smile on his face faltered into an unease. He put a hoof on the arm of his chair for support. I suddenly had the upper hand. My mission was clear. Secure a place to stay while also not inciting violence.

After giving him time to think, I went on. “I mentioned earlier than my name was Twilight Sparkle. That was a half truth. My name is Princess… Twilight Sparkle. It comes with being an alicorn, in case you didn’t know. Can I expect your cooperation… or do I still need to prove who I am to you?”

Grey got out of his chair faster than what I previously believed was possible. “Of course not, princess! No, no such action need be taken! My sincerest apologies for my ignorant words. I’ve just never seen a real princess before! What is it you have graced us with your presence for?”

“I am not on royal duty, but instead attending to a personal matter.”

“My Princess, what personal matter could possibly bring you out to the permafrost region?”

“I am on a journey. That is all I can say.”

“Of course, your majesty. How can we aid you in your journey?”

“I just need a place to stay for one night. Maybe two if the weather does not relent tomorrow.”

Grey bows his head in respect. “Consider it done, Princess.”

“Great. Now if you could just show me to--”

Grey stopped me from leaving the tent and quickly exclaimed, “Princess, wait! I know who you are, but it would mean the world to me if you could introduce yourself to my people. We have truly never had a princess in our village before.”

I looked at him, nodding in agreement. “Of course.”

Grey lead the way outside, where a the entire village waited to see what was to become of the alicorn that had entered their village. Grey Head shouted towards them, “Our guest has a message for us!”

Terror.

Complete Terror.

Every speck of confidence I had in the tent suddenly flew south for warmer weather. The fact that I lost my magic abilities hit me like a sack of bricks. Reality set in the form of panic.

I stood outside in the freezing cold holding an entire village as an audience as they waited for me to show my royalty. Ice was forming on my back fur and yet I was too nervous to be cold. I was clueless as what to do. In a last minute effort, I silently called upon Discord for help. Surprisingly enough, he answered.

“Oh hello Twilight. It seems you are in a pickle, aren’t you? I’m usually not a fan of pickles, oh no, not at all. Quite disgusting if you ask me. However, this particular pickle is most delicious, and it is one I shall savor.”

“Discord, how can I show them who I am??”

He responded very cool and collected with, “Try the same way you showed me.”

Suddenly my horn lit up and through the blizzard the whole town could have seen the dark magenta it gave off. I opened my wings and I was off of the ground. I could feel my magic return to me as power started to flow through my body. In short, I became an Alicorn again.

Then something strange started happening. The entire world around me dissolved and it felt like something else was taking over. My legs and neck started to feel weird and then I blacked out for about 15 seconds. I came-to while still in the air with a white aura around me. My eyes were clearly turned white and I felt… different. As soon as I realized that my magic was 100%, a thick pillar of pure white light shot from my horn and into the sky. It kept up for about 10 seconds and something inside me made me shout

“I am your Princess Twilight Sparkle.”

I could feel myself descending, but my mind was still in the clouds. As I landed back on the ground, I noticed I was taller. I took a look at myself and I was thinner, yet larger. I looked like Luna and Cadence. Before I could jump up for joy or really take in what had just occured, I looked at the ponies of the village. It hit me that they had been looking the entire time and saw my transformation. The entire population, even the guards, were bowing… to me.

Author's Note

I had trouble writing as Twilight in this chapter, especially the confrontation with Grey. Usually when met with a challenge, Twilight can easily rise to the top with magic skills and pure knowledge... and of course with the help of her friends. However, she is without her friends this time, and she was attacked on a personal level with a subject that she is very sensitive about. Combine the fact that she is tired, cold, hungry and thirsty, I believe this could be a plausible outcome.

What I'm saying is that Twilight's responses in the show can be anything from handling it with grace and ease to flying completely off of the handle. I guess that's part of what makes Twilight so entertaining to watch but it's hard when I'm trying to write something that TRIES to have a close approximation to her canon personality and decision making.

What do you think so far? Do you think this is a plausible Twilight? If not, why? If so, why?

***Edit***

I had originally planned this to be ~15,000 words. As you can see now, it might be a hair longer than expected.

Reality of a Nightmare

I was looking into the sky last night. You might say that there was a bright sunset followed by some clouds as it got darker.

What I saw was totally different.

The sun was becoming bright red as it laid upon the horizon, bathing the sky in a pink hue. On the right and left, the skies were still becoming darker blues by the minute. A single, larger star shown out, bright as can be bridging the pinks and the blues in the sky. But as the sun sank lower and lower, clouds from the other side of the sky came marching toward the light. As they neared the star, its brightness increased until finally the clouds caught up to it. Within minutes, the clouds overtook the star and the color out of the sky, leaving only the blackest thunderstorms in their wake.

If my literary teachers taught me anything, they taught me to recognize symbolism in my life. You take the obvious first and list. The star in the sky is clearly representing me, which the sun and the rays represent Celestia and the good she does for the world. Then comes the clouds and the storms. Cloud in literary works can either represent a break from a blistering sun, or a foreshadowing of stigma. Rain means change, and thunderstorms means change for the worse or can even foreshadow death. You mix all of these together and you get something bad happening to me.

Maybe I’m losing it. Maybe I’m not. I know for a fact that the weather ponies promised hard rain last night right when it got dark, and Celestia promised a beautiful sunset. That all makes sense, but things happen for a reason. Of course, neither the Princess nor the weather ponies are trying to tell me something, but I believe Fate is. Or maybe it is reminding me of something.

After I became a shut-in I quit talking to the few friends I did have. It wasn’t hard really, I just had to believe that this would bring me closer to changing the world. As long as I could believe that, I could easily slit the throat of my social life (or what little of it was left). I had one friend in particular that I was closer to than any other of my friends. Her name was Quarter Note. I met her in my Gifted Ponies class back in the day and we hit it off fairly well. She was such a visionary in music and so talented. Quarter usually hung out with me when I was sick of studying and we would grab something to eat. We would mostly talk about our lives and endeavors. Actually, she would mostly talk about her social life and how I should get one as well. It was comical because we both knew I would never have one.

After I quit seeing ponies at the castle, I would work all hours of the day and night on a new potion or spell and I rarely had anyone interrupt. One very frustrating day of experiments, Quarter demanded the guards to let her in my room. As I was putting a very delicate ending to a project that took all morning to conjure up, she slammed the doors open and caused me to mess then entire thing up. I was so furious that I immediately lost it. It was one of those episodes where I lose control over myself and I become engulfed in violent magical flames. Before even looking to see who it was, I did a spell and threw fire right at the door. When I calmed down and the episode ended, I woke in Celestia’s chambers on the floor. The Princess herself was looking at me very angrily and only said in her calm, terrifying voice, “You’re done with your experiments for a while.”

I was so upset with myself that I didn’t even use my magic, not even teleporting, for a month. I, of course, went to apologize to Quarter almost daily at the hospital but she just ignored me. She looked so bad. I had paralyzed her from the waist down and burned her entire body. Thankfully, she would grow her hair back but the doctor said that her legs and mental state would likely never recover. The last day I visited Quarter, she finally spoke to me and said, “Look at what you have become. Quit visiting me; I don’t know who you are anymore.” I ran out crying. I came back about a month later to see if she had been released yet and they told me she moved away right when she got released.

I still don’t know where she is.

Author's Note

I hate really short chapters like this, but it is a necessary evil in this case. What happens next will be a very long chapter. Cross my heart and hope to fly.

Still no hit on an editor, so let me know of any mistakes I made.

--EDIT---

Looks like I got an editor! That being said, I won't be able to post anything for about a day or two due to work.

---EDIT 2---
This is the revised version of this chapter made by Icarus. Enjoy!