General Johnson paced back and forth in the underground bunker, trying desperately to think of the right words for his men. A few hundred soldiers, sat on the stone floor, awaiting his speech, eagerly listening to the click-click-click of his boots. The General tugged at his mustache as an idea came to him. Why not let his men contribute to his going-to-be invigorating speech? He stopped his pacing underneath a flickering light-bulb, letting the dingy light be his spotlight.
"Now I know that you have travelled thousands of miles away from our homes, to this wretched land, away from our great and glorious country...but we are here for a very good reason that I think you all know!" General Johnson shouted, before pausing, "SHOW ME YOUR KNOWLEDGE!!!" he bellowed and his men returned his shout with more shouts:
"TO FIGHT!"
"TO WIN!"
"TO DEFEND OUR COUNTRY!"
"MY MA MADE ME!"
"I GOT DRAFTED!"
"FOR OIL!"
"I DON'T KNOW!"
But, one battle-cry rose above them all...
"BIRTHDAY PIE!!!!!!"
The cry for birthday pie invited a sudden silence to enter the room. Everybody stopped their shouting and turned their shaved heads to man with the cry for birthday pie. "You! Identify yourself!" General Johnson yelled, wagging a finger at the pie-crier.
"Private Richard Smith, sir! Dick for short, sir!" the man exclaimed, bringing himself to a standing position and swinging his hand to his forehead.
"Secretary Mark Macho! Check the birthday records!" the General shouted at a beefy man.
The next few minutes were spent listening to Mark flip through a frilly, pink book, labelled "Badass Birthday Records" until he exclaimed, "IT'S A BIRTHDAY, SIR!" and the entire room erupted in cheers.
"Private Jack Tosh, bake us a pie! Private John Doe, get out the emergency streamers! Private Tom Rock, make party hats out of thin air!" commanded General Johnson, to which everyone obeyed. Soon colourful streamers hung among the cobwebs, haphazardly, tied to the rusty lights. Everyone had put on their party hats, after they were all tested with a Geiger meter, of course. Jack wheeled in an apple pie, covered in candles and all the soldiers celebrated Dick's birthday.
It came time to blow out the fiery candles and General Johnson shouted his last command of the day, "Private Dick, make a birthday wish!"
"I wish we didn't have to fight, today!" bellowed Dick, before blowing out the candles.
"Wish granted!" cheered the General, with a whimsical gleam in his eye.
For the rest of the day, General Johnson and his soldiers had a party, while their enemy took the time to regroup. On the next day, the enemy attacked and took the base. Many decades later, the majority of historians have come to the conclusion if Dick's birthday had not been celebrated that day, the enemy could not have regrouped and the base would not have been taken. Now we remember that tragic day by eating birthday pie at the ruins of the base on Dick's birthday.
THE END
Author's Note
I got the "Dick" joke from Supernatural :P
General Dash paced back and forth in the underground bunker, trying desperately to think of the right words for her ponies. A few hundred soldiers, sat on the stone floor, awaiting her speech, eagerly listening to the clop-clop-clop of her hooves. The General tugged at her mane as an idea came to her. Why not let her ponies contribute to her going-to-be 20% cooler speech? She stopped her pacing underneath a flickering light-bulb, letting the dingy light be her spotlight.
"Now I know that you have travelled hundreds of miles away from our homes, to this wretched land, away from our great and glorious land...but we are here for a very good reason that I think you all know!" General Dash shouted, before pausing, "SHOW ME YOUR KNOWLEDGE!!!" she bellowed and her ponies returned her shout with more shouts:
"TO FIGHT!"
"TO WIN!"
"TO DEFEND OUR LAND!"
"MY MA MADE ME!"
"I GOT DRAFTED!"
"FOR SMILES!"
"I DON'T KNOW!"
But, one battle-cry rose above them all...
"BIRTHDAY PIE!!!!!!"
The cry for birthday pie invited a sudden silence to enter the room. Everypony stopped their shouting and turned their heads to pony with the cry for birthday pie. "You! Identify yourself!" General Dash yelled, wagging a hoof at the pie-crier.
"Private Pinkamena Pie, sir! Pinkie for short, sir!" the mare exclaimed, bringing herself to a standing position and swinging her hoof to her forehead.
"Secretary Snowflake! Check the birthday records!" the General shouted at a beefy pegasus.
The next few minutes were spent listening to Snowflake flip through a frilly, pink book, labelled "Badflank Birthday Records" until he exclaimed, "BIRTHDAY!! YEAH!!!" and the entire room erupted in cheers.
"Private Applejack, bake us a pie! Private Rarity, get out the emergency streamers! Private Twilight Sparkle, make party hats out of thin air!" commanded General Dash, to which everypony obeyed. Soon colourful streamers hung among the cobwebs, daintily tied to the rusty lights. Everyone had put on their party hats, after they were all tested with a Geiger meter, of course. Applejack wheeled in an apple pie, covered in candles and all the soldiers celebrated Pinkie's birthday.
It came time to blow out the fiery candles and General Dash shouted his last command of the day, "Private Pinkie, make a birthday wish!"
"I wish we didn't have to fight, today!" bellowed Pinkie, before blowing out the candles.
"Wish granted!" cheered the General, with a whimsical gleam in her eye.
For the rest of the day, General Dash and her soldiers had a party, increasing their morale. On the next day, the enemy attacked, but due to this increase in morale, they were able to defend the base. Many decades later, the majority of historians have come to the conclusion if Pinkie's birthday had not been celebrated that day, the enemy may have taken the base due to a lack of morale. Now we remember that glorious day by eating birthday pie at the base on Pinkie's birthday.
THE END
