Favorite Thigh-Highs

Chapters

Be Careful What You Wish For
It's Always A Dead End
You Had ONE Job

Be Careful What You Wish For

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Some stories are of the happy ponies with happy lives and happy endings, learning important lessons through the magic of friendship.
Some stories don’t even feature the main characters of the works of art they are portrayed from; instead, original characters are developed. Even then, by overcoming great personal trials and suffering, these defiantly outstanding characters forge their own paths through incredible and inspiring works of fiction.

This is not one of those stories.

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Crick.
“Ow.”
Crick.
“Ow.”
… Crick.
“Ow.”

Brink Slipper rubbed his aching neck with one hoof, his heavy guard’s armor repeatedly getting in the way. The crick in his neck simply would not go away, no matter how he massaged it. Rolling his neck in an attempt to allay his pain, the pegasus stared up in boredom at the night sky.

It was always boring in this section of Canterlot. Some of the guards even referred to it as a punishment now and then; in hindsight, he should be grateful that Guard Captain Shining Armor hadn’t simply demoted him on the spot for sleeping on the job.

Brink groaned in self-pity, shifting his sight down to his dark tan forelegs, wondering how he managed to get himself into this position in the first place. It might not be so bad, if only it weren’t so unbearably boring. The richer part of Canterlot never had anything exciting happen. Ever.
Rich, wealthy ponies wallowing in their own prosperity. White picket fences, identical buildings, every single lamppost pristine and shining in the night. Hardly a single patch of shadow throughout the entire area where any potential danger could ever hide.
Bo~ring.

This was almost as bad as discovering that some new punk had replaced him; what was his name… Sentry? Now, that guy was boring. No personality, whatsoever. Brink grumbled wistfully as he rearranged his armor, leaning against the light pole. He should be in the palace right now, doing his royal duty to serve the princesses, not stuck down in No-Action-Central. He desperately wished, that for just once, something exciting would happen.

The lilac shooting star whizzing above him granted his wish.

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Ryan Miller hurtled through the night sky as the crackling whips of violet energy whirled around him hungrily, vaguely aware that he was moving at very high speeds.
He had almost achieved consciousness before slamming violently into the ground.

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Brink galloped as hard as he could in the direction of the violet star, watching in shock and horror as it careened into a building top, bouncing lithely off of it and knocking off several clay shingles. They shattered as they hit the ground around him, and the star slammed into the dirt in the middle of the street with so much force that the billowing wind from the impact buffeted him backwards. He stood his ground, pushing further forward as he attempted to ignore the almightily annoying crick in his neck.

Not out of bravery, mind you; Brink was certain that whatever had landed was somehow of great importance, though. Massive flaming purple chunks flying out of the sky didn’t exactly happen every night, especially when they landed in the middle of the street.
First one on the scene.
The first one to respond, the first to take action. Oh, he wasn’t just going back to his old position of door guard at the castle; oh ho, no, this was his ticket to big time promotion.
They might even make me… Guard Captain…! Brink thought to himself gleefully as he approached the smoldering crater, satisfying thoughts of crudely booting that snide lummox Shining Armor out of his seat and taking it for himself.

So great was his excitement, he almost didn’t notice the freakishly tall, nearly hairless monstrosity slowly drawing itself to its full height. As he grew closer to the still-sparking crater, arcs of lavender electricity grounding out as they crawled over the ground, Brink Slipper suddenly realized that this was a very, very bad idea.

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Ryan groaned in agony, lying face down in the dirt. His eyes tightly closed, he sluggishly attempted to take inventory of his limbs. Wriggling his fingers first, then his arms, and finally his legs.
… How the fuck am I alive? He wondered stupidly. It was difficult to think, like his brain had been clogged with molasses. He groggily pushed himself up with his elbows, staring at his arms in dim surprise. Ryan realized two very important things simultaneously.

First of all, whereas his old scars that littered his body were still firmly in place, he had no new injuries. No cuts, no scrapes, no burns; absolutely no indication whatsoever that he’d just slammed into the ground at nearly MACH FUCKING FOUR. It boggled his mind how such a thing was even possible.
Secondly, his hands were no longer his own.
Technically, they were still hands… however, they’d gained an oddly animated look to them. For a moment, he wondered if somebody had slipped something into one of his drinks again.
God, was that a bad day.

After a few moments of ogling his hands as he flexed them, light wisps of purple steam roiling up from his skin and vanishing into the air, Ryan realized that he was not alone. Pushing away from the ground, he woozily drew himself up to his full height. At nearly seven feet tall, Ryan could be fairly imposing when he wanted to. Greasy locks of unkempt black hair fell over his eyes, giving him a mildly bestial look.
Not nearly as bestial as the creature cowering before him, however.

… Ohhhhh, shit. I am SO high right now, aren’t I?

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Brink Slipper skidded to a halt in front of the beast as it grew larger and larger the closer he came to it. It positively loomed over him, beady black eyes glinting in the moonlight with an almost demonic gleam. It bared its teeth as it scowled, revealing a row of what appeared to be filed, sharp fangs.

He tripped over his own hooves in his fear and haste to back away, armor clinking heavily as he pulled away from the monster. The pale demon dragged itself out of the crater, glaring hungrily at him as it stood silhouetted against the crescent moon. Brink almost expected it to howl dramatically or something, but it merely stood at the edge of the crater, watching him with silent contempt.

“H-h-h-halt!” Brink stuttered, pulling a small spear from his side. “I-i-i-i-in the- in-in-in the name of…!”
The pale demon crossed the distance between them effortlessly, nearly gliding over the ground in ragged attire. Brink bolted away, the pain in his neck shooting directly into his eyes.

Move! Move! Remember your training! Move!

The monster charged him as it screamed with an abominable glee, appendages outstretched with wiry, spiderlike ends, snatching at him with claws of death…!

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“Bonsai, asshole!” Ryan roared as he bounded over the shaking alien, landing easily on the other side of the quadruped. The tan guard pegasus looked like he was nearly about to soil his iron armor.

Of course, that only caused Ryan’s shark-like grin to widen. He hit the ground with a fwump! and used the momentum to pick up speed, dirty and torn sneakers slapping against the cobblestones beneath him. His filthy blue jeans and slightly burned black tee shirt ruffled slightly in the wind. Behind him, Ryan could hear the shaking guard pony stubbornly regaining his composure. He’d give him that much – the little bastard recovered from shock awfully quickly. No matter; he had the lead.
Quickly scheming, Ryan’s eyes darted around his new surroundings. Tall buildings, light posts holding back the dark… it was like some medieval Brooklyn, minus people. Speaking of people… there didn’t seem to be any people around. Not even any more of the illusory ponies like the one he’d just leaped over.

Of course it was just an illusion, a hallucination; he had a strangely altered perception, his memory was foggy. He doubted it was anything but drugs. A small voice in the back of his head dimly reminded himself that he shouldn’t attempt to fly.
Which was odd, in and of itself – the very fact that he retained the capacity to contemplate such things displayed his inherent ability to apply logic to the situation, attempting to escape in a manner that wouldn’t alert too many of the locals.
Which, in his mind, came out as Fuck fuck fuck fuck I gotta get outta here!

Ryan Miller was not necessarily the brightest of souls.

The clanking of the guard pony behind him grew louder, shouts of ‘cease and desist’ echoing through the streets as he swiftly grabbed a lamppost on a corner and used it to swing himself at a ninety-degree angle, running as fast and hard as he could. Several more ponies were poking their heads out of windows in bleary amazement at the spectacle, some lights flickering on here and there. If he didn’t hurry, he was going to be caught; and, judging from the point on that spear, it wouldn’t matter how high he was.

If something looked like it was going to hurt if you touched it, then it was probably going to hurt.

He grimly darted down yet another dark alley, ruckus steadily growing behind him as the guard followed close on his heels. Ryan hurriedly took inventory of his possessions, hoping for something he could throw or use as a distraction as he felt quickly through his grimy blue jeans. The folded paper in his back pocket wouldn’t hurt very much if he threw it, and the silver Zippo lighter he carried might be useful. However, he could spot nothing flammable in the immediate area he ran through, which was strange enough for a back alley; no trash. His wallet and old Nokia seemed to be missing, unfortunately. He spotted his salvation in the last place he’d have expected it; a small, open window with mauve curtains billowing out into the night air, music and laughter coming from inside.
A party.
A party that he could easily use as distraction whilst he slipped away.

Ryan’s grin grew wider.

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Exie was not your average pony.

At least, she didn’t believe so. Her peach colored body rippled through the crowd with a feminine grace, deep rose colored mane flowing behind her. A single black bow adorned her head, standing stark against the shock of red. Her bright, baby blue eyes picked out the elder gray pony reclining in the room’s corner, quietly watching the party as she sipped at a cup of tea. Padded hooves treaded over the wooden floor, steps softened by the black silk she wore on all hooves. The stylishly cut thigh-highs garnered no small amount of attention as she passed, and a burning heat rose in her cheeks as she marched steadily forward.

A cyan blue earth pony passing her winked lustily at her. He looked familiar, but she couldn’t quite put a name to the face. Perhaps it was because of the sporadically dancing lighting in the already darkened room. A problem she’d had frequently; but, then again, when you rarely spend more than a single night with somepony, names become less important after a while than, say… performance. Cyan Pony watched her bouncing Cutie Mark with something akin to admiration, observing as the full heart with a single price tag attached charmingly bobbed this way and that.

“Hey.” She said a little more loudly than she needed to over the music provided by a white pony in the center of the room, blasting out techno. “Hey!” she shouted, waving her hoof in front of the lanky gray pony, catching her attention.
“Enjoying your goodbye party, Exie?” the older mare asked, a kind twinkle to her eye. Ecstasy’s smile grew as she hugged the gray unicorn gratefully. Cashmere had taken her in when she needed somepony most; she had done more than that. She’d provided for her at every turn, always looking out for her. To Ecstasy, Cashmere was like a (fairly old) mother figure. A little old fashioned for her tastes, but reliable.

“… ‘Course I am, you crazy old coot.” She said warmly, releasing her from the embrace. It was a little white lie; and, in all likelihood, Cashmere knew it. If she did, though, she wasn’t letting on.

The unicorn lightly pushed a shoulder length lock of bright blue mane out of her face, smiling back. “I just hope you know what you’re getting yourself into, darlin’ - running a business is never quite as easy as some ponies would have you believe.”
“Look, I’ve got this,” Exie said confidently, looking about the room at the dancing ponies. She didn’t know any of them, personally; as far as she knew, Cashmere had simply handed out invitations. She rearranged the black bow atop her head, trying to look a little taller.

“Of course you do, of course you do.” Cashmere agreed half-heartedly, patting her on the head. “I’m certain that you’ll do just fine when you open up the new branch for Sew Fine; why, I’ll bet ponies will be kicking the door in, just to get at some Nightmare Night apparel.”
Exie snorted, leaning back against the wall with the older unicorn. “Yeah…” she said uncertainly. “About that. Are you sure that opening up a branch in some little hick town is really gonna bring in the business? I mean, Ponyville really doesn’t seem like much of a gravy train.”
“Oh, almost forgot…!” Cashmere started, levitating up a single train ticket. Exie briefly wondered where she’d gotten it from, as she hadn’t seen the older mare carrying any kind of bag or purse.

“Here you go, kiddo – fully paid ticket, first class.”
“Oh, you didn’t have to –“
“Of course I did.” Cashmere insisted, pushing the ticket at her until she grabbed it in her mouth. Exie deftly slipped it into the black slip on her left hoof, tucking it between the silky fabric and its several enticing rips. “I haven’t been able to get you anything nice since you left Manehattan; consider it my… going away present.”

Exie gave her a light kiss on the cheek, snuggling up next to the elder unicorn. “Aww… you are just the sweetest thing ever.”
“Don’t I know it.” Cashmere stated with a grin, a new song pumping into the air even louder than the last one. “Now, do me a favor; if you’re not gonna try to make any friends at your own going away party, at least try to make some in Ponyville. Eh?”
“Sure I will, sure…” Exie fibbed quickly. She had no intention of doing any such thing, but if the money was good, Exie’d be anypony’s friend. Cashmere scanned Exie’s blue eyes, and for a moment, Exie was afraid that she was going to call her bluff.

Instead, the unicorn sighed and patted her on the shoulder, motioning toward the dancing crowd.
“… Well? What’re you waiting for?”
“I’ve, uh… maybe… I think I should head home for the night.”
Cashmere cocked an eyebrow at her. “What, after all the trouble I went through, you won’t even stay to attend your own party? Your going-away party? That I threw for you?” she said with a grin.
Exie knew exactly what she was doing; oh, the guilt trip was an old one. Then again, it was an old trick because it worked. She pushed the rising guilt away, snickering at the elder unicorn. “I know, I know – but you bought the ticket. See here, where it says seven A.M.? I really ought to get some sleep, if I’m going to be riding a train that early in the morning.”

The gray unicorn laughed, sighing in defeat. “Okay, okay. You win. Can’t say an old mare didn’t try. Get yourself home, young ‘un.”
“... I will, I will,” she lied once more, peering about the room for that cyan earth pony with the sturdy build and nice flank. “I just need to, um… collect a few things before I go.”

Not giving Cashmere time to answer, Exie darted into the crowd, the music pumping louder and louder throughout the darkened room as she drew closer to the center. The white unicorn in the DJ’s booth scratched loudly at a twin set of records, releasing a steady stream of rhythm into the room. There was a sort of elegance to her beats; a small measure of refinement amongst the chaotically pumping sound, giving it a slightly hypnotic feel.

“There’s a room where the lights won’t find you – holding hands while the walls come tum~bling down-“

Exie shook herself out of her trance, searching for that cyan stallion. Oh, if she had her way about it, she wasn’t going to be doing much sleeping tonight at all.

A rustling near the open front window caught her eye even in the dark, and strobe light passing randomly over the room caught flashes of blue and black nearby.
Exie grinned, stalking her prey.

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Ryan wriggled with difficulty through the small window, thankful for once in his life for his lanky frame. The clattering and clanking behind him followed closely, but Ryan gladly spotted the door being kicked open. He’d escaped guard pony, but just barely. The room was dark, aside from the random spots of light flying around here and there. So long as he kept low to the ground and crept along the wall, he suspected that he’d be fine. The dancing and singing ponies didn’t even seem to notice him; hell, very few of them even noticed when the pegasus kicked in the front door, shouting in confusion. Apparently, a couple of the younger guests thought he was some kind of hired exotic dancer, because they were tossing little golden coins at him and whistling profusely.

Guard Pony did not like that very much.

Ryan eyed the golden coins glinting on the ground greedily, and momentarily, he considered making a grab for them. However, it was difficult enough to slip away from Guard Pony in the first place; he didn’t like his odds of squirming through the crowd without drawing attention. He was already having trouble keeping hidden in the dark, as the flashing strobe lights waved over him periodically.

He stealthily crept (as stealthily as any nearly seven foot tall gang junkie can) along the wall, spotting an open doorway and sliding into it, nearly doubled over from his efforts to remain hidden.
Despite the fact that he’d snuck right past the party completely hunched over, in any other circumstance, he would have been caught by Guard Pony by now. However, due to the rather… excitable pair of mares tossing bits and ecstatically screaming ‘Take it off! Whoo!’ at the guard, Ryan was able to quite easily sneak away completely undetected.

Or, so he thought.

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“Yoo~hoo…!” Exie breathed eagerly into the darkened room. “Come on, I know I saw you checking me out...” she trailed off teasingly, slipping into the darkened room in search of her well-built stallion.
The rustle in the dark skidded enticingly away from her, almost silent across the wooden floor. It wasn’t much more than a little storage room, a single patch of dim moonlight filtering in through the latched glass window.

“… Oh, don’t be shy…” Exie whispered, budging the door not-quite closed behind her with her hoof. The pumping music behind her was lessened to a dull roar thanks to the obstruction. Her heart pounded in her chest with anticipation, and she giddily approached the figure in the corner. “Then again… there’s always room for a little… foreplay.”
C’mon, ya fuckin’ – stupid – window! He thought furiously as he dropped his hands quickly from the windowsill, and backed further into the corner. The guard with the spear had freaked out badly enough at his sudden arrival; Ryan could only imagine just what would happen to him if this new pony sounded the alarm. He’d seen enough alien-themed movies to last him a lifetime... or at least, enough to know that they’d probably try to dissect him.

Not the first time somebody’s tried slicin’ me up, he thought grimly as he pushed himself as far into the dark corner as he could go. He couldn’t stoop any lower without crouching, but he made his height as diminished as he could without dropping to his knees. So long as he stayed in the darkened corner, the peach colored pony couldn’t see him very well.

“… Go away.” Ryan rumbled huskily, dropping his voice a couple of decibels.
“Oh, first you’re shy, now you’re playing hard to get?” the amber maned pony asked passionately, lowering her own voice as well.
Ryan peered about the room, desperate for something he could use to hide behind; or, if all else failed, break the damned window. The only other things in the room, however, were a couple of stacked crates in the corner opposite him. Trying to get near them would force him to step into the moonlight, revealing his not-so-pony nature.
Think, idiot! Think!

“You’re, uh… not my type.” Ryan growled, hoping to intimidate the peach colored earth pony into leaving. Instead, she merely drew closer to him, evening sky blue eyes shining brightly in the dark. As a single silk-laden hoof stepped into the tiny patch of light, Ryan could see that she had quite attractive features… for a pony, of course. A soft look adorned her gaze, simultaneously excited and almost hungry. The black bow tightly attached to her head held her deep red mane in check, but a few strands fell down in front of her eyes, almost flowing into her lightly rounded face.

If Ryan had to guess, he’d say that she looked to be barely out of her teens, by pony standards. That look she was giving him – anticipation, curiosity, need…
It was freaking him the hell out.

“Just… just get out,” he hissed frantically, trying to scoot further across the wall without getting any closer. He drew closer and closer to the door, hoping to get away. “I don’t want you near me!”
“Oh, for the love of Celestia,” Exie groaned, hoof hitting her face in exasperation. “I’m not going to hold you down, or anything – I mean, unless… you want me to…”
“Out! Just fuckin’ go!” Ryan seethed, fists clenching in anger.
“All I wanted was to get FUCKED, okay!?”

The door to the room burst open with a loud clatter, slamming against the wall.
“Whoo! Gonna get you some Ecstasy, officer pony?” a teasing voice called out somewhere from the other room. A tingle of fear ran up her spine as Exie realized that somepony had been watching her follow the stallion into the room.
“STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!” Brink Slipper roared as he kicked the door in forcefully. His face was littered with little splotches of lipstick, which trailed down his armor in several… unwanted places. The door missed Ryan’s head by inches, bouncing off the wall next to him. The light from the party spilled in, and although it wasn’t much, it was enough for Exie to catch a sight of the storage room’s other occupant.

It was a monster.
Only in sight for a split second, the hulking beast drew itself to its full height, head brushing against the ceiling. It snatched the guard around the throat with one hand, shoving the door closed with the other. Exie watched in silent horror as the beast grappled with the fighting guard, impossibly long arms wrapped tightly around his neck…
Only to hear a loud, horrible crack! as the pony was dropped to the ground, tongue lolling awkwardly out of his mouth.

Exie gasped in terror, backpedalling from the hulking monstrosity. In the dark, she could make out its too-tall silhouette, long appendages reaching downwards toward the guard.

“… Aw... Fuck.”

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Ryan really hadn’t wanted to kill the guard – he was just some pony, doing his job. He vaguely wondered if he had kids, before pushing that thought out of his head. Killing had never been easy for Ryan.
Of course, that didn’t mean he wasn’t good at it.

The guard’s neck had snapped with hardly any effort at all, and Ryan promptly dropped him. He momentarily reached out to pick up the dead creature to push it out of the way; perhaps hide the body in one of the crates, cover his tracks.
But, of course, he still had a witness to take care of.

“O-oh, by the Titans…!” the peach colored pony breathed in terror and disgust, voice catching in her throat as she struggled to speak, to cry out for help. The fear was paralyzing.

“Come on, Exie; the jigs up…!”
“Leave her be, Tulip; let the girl have some fun, eh?” a pair of voices sounded just outside the door, but the other was persistently arguing with the other, trying to get into the room. Swiftly, Ryan shoved a couple of crates in front of the door to block any entrances, and pushed past Exie to struggle with the latch on the window. With a small, satisfying click! it finally popped open, cool night air flowing in through the window.

What do I do, what do I do…?! she thought frantically. This… monster had just murdered somepony, right in front of her. She grabbed the leg of the monster, trying to keep it from escaping… or leaving her alone with the body.
“W-w-where are you g-going?” she whispered frantically, her heartbeat so loud she could feel it in her eardrums.
“Take a guess, fuck nut.” The beast replied, one leg sticking out the window. “I’m pretty sure none of those guys saw me get in here; and, ‘sides, they definitely know you’re in here.” He said quietly, jabbing a thumb at the body of the guard. “Jus’ whaddya think they’re gonna do when they get in?”
“But-but-but-!” Exie sputtered nervously, eyes flying back and forth between the body, the beast, and the door.
“But-but-but!” the pale monster mocked her cruelly, flapping one of its appendages to make it look like a sock puppet. “You think any o’ those thigh-high lil’ shits are gonna believe you didn’t kill that guy?”

For a long moment, Exie was silent, watching the towering monstrosity as she released him. He was right; she could try to call for help, but by the time anypony got in, the fiend would probably be long gone, and she doubted that she could restrain him. He’d just killed a guard effortlessly in front of her. She had no physical evidence that it wasn't her - and besides, who would really believe her if she claimed that a monster had just been there a few moments ago? If she wasn't locked away in a prison, she'd be locked away in an asylum. Damned if she did, damned if she didn't.
Ryan’s shark-like grin spread over his face at her obvious despair, and he crept quietly out the window.
“Well, kid, you wanted ta’ get fucked. Now, you’re really fucked.”

And with a mad cackle, he sped off into the night.

With the door budging repeatedly against the crates and the voices of multiple ponies pushing against it, Exie made her decision. In her eyes, though, it really wasn’t a decision at all. People and ponies share a common ground – they both tend to go a little crazy when under pressure. To Exie, it was a perfectly rational choice.
To Exie, the only thing that mattered now was self-perseverance.
To Exie, there were no more options.

So, she did the only thing she could do as she watched the mad beast lumber away down the streets of Canterlot. Something she knew, deep down, that she would come to regret.

She followed.

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Author's Note

A special thanks to all the great readers out there.

I'd never have picked up a pen again if it weren't for you guys.

It's Always A Dead End

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“W-wait! Wait!” Exie called out, falling out of the window and landing on the soft grass below. Thankfully, Cashmere had decided to throw the party on the first floor, making slipping out a little easier. The pale demon charged further and further away from her, quickly dodging down a back alley.

In no time at all, Exie was on her feet and stumbling after him, throwing terrified glances over her shoulder. The music was still blaring, the ponies were still partying; the body had not yet been discovered. She had to catch this beast – had to make sure that she could clear her name…
Or die trying?
Her steps faltered slightly, but her gallop increased when she spotted the monster lurking at the end of yet another of Canterlot’s seemingly endless alleys. This time, however, he’d come to a dead end.

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The brick wall in front of Ryan rose up to the building tops, almost twice as tall as he was. If he could manage to find a dumpster or a couple of trash cans, then he might have been able to scale it a bit easier…
Quit, you fuckin’ idiot! He berated himself. He kept treating this place like it was his home, Brooklyn. It was too clean for that, though; no trash, no litter, no random obstructions lying around.
Well. Except for walls.

He swore loudly, peering about for more helpful windows. This alley was quite a bit darker than the rest from the lack of them, although he could still see pretty clearly thanks to the oddly luminescent moon.
At least, clearly enough to see the peach colored pony standing at the opposite end of the alley, blocking him in.
“… Aw, fuck.”
He ran a hand through his greasy black hair, tensing his muscles. He was tired, but ready to run again if he needed to. Ryan had a lot of practice with running; if you wanted to survive in the Sharks, you had to be fast on your feet.
The numerous scars littering his body were a testament to that.

“Hold up!” the pony’s lilting voice called out to him, and she cautiously advanced.
“… Never seen a wild animal backed into a corner ‘fore, huh, kid?” Ryan asked dangerously, slowly dropping into a crouch. He began wishing for his handy switchblade, but he’d thrown that away (quite literally) long before he managed to fall into this multicolored hell-hole.
“S-stop!” the peach colored mare demanded, stamping a hoof defiantly as she blocked the exit.
Ryan actually paused a moment, thinking. He drew himself to his full height, looming over the little pony. He noticed with some satisfaction that her eyes, while already unnaturally large, were steadily growing wider. He recognized that look – he’d seen it a hundred times before.
Fear.

“Why?” he grinned, slowly loping toward her menacingly. “… You gonna make m-oof!”
Ryan hadn’t expected the redheaded mare to actually attack him; he was counting on her being paralyzed with fear, like the guard. Her horrendously hard head hit him high and heavily in the… damn you, failure to properly alliterate.
She head-butted him in the stomach, knocking the wind clean out of him as he toppled unceremoniously to the ground.

Ryan grunted in surprise, throwing up his arms to protect himself. Dropping onto his back as he pushed the mad mare over him with her momentum, he scrabbled to his feet and struggled to regain his balance. Flopping awkwardly down the alley, he silently cursed his newfound animated perception – it was both throwing off his depth perception a little and giving him a slight headache.
Exie scrambled to find ground after being thrown off, one silk thigh-high ripping horizontally as she bounced back up.
“Dammit, those were brand new!” she grumbled as she darted after him. He wouldn’t get away; they’d already made a lot of racket, and it would only be a matter of time before larger numbers of guards began arriving. From there, it would be a simple matter to corral him right into their hooves and clear her name of the grisly murder-
And he was gone.

“Buck me with a shovel!” Exie yelled, galloping as quickly down the alley as she could.
He couldn’t have gotten far – then again, the beast could move awfully quickly with those two long legs. After only a short distance of running, she found him.
Her ‘capture’ of the beast didn’t quite turn out to be as… dramatic as she’d expected it to be.

“… Well, that was easier than I thought it would be.” Exie stated bluntly, lilting voice mocking the pale monster as it’s legs wriggled violently. Someway, somehow, the strange creature had actually managed to lift open a small window on one of the houses closest to the street. A quiet, quaint little house with a mahogany colored wooden roof, nice little square lawn and white picket fence.
It looked horribly boring.

The dangling thing angrily attempting (and failing) to remove himself from the window made it a little more interesting, though.

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Ryan’s hands met a hideous pea green carpet in the dark, a little scratchy and short. He’d always been lean and thin, which had come in handy several times in the past when Victor had needed him to slip in somewhere small; of course, that had been years ago, before Carlos took over the gang. He’d grown a little since then, and it really should have come as no surprise that he’d get stuck halfway in the window.
He grunted, struggling to get a firm grip on the floor in front of him, only to find that the window was too high up for him to do so. Likewise, the window he’d clambered into was also too far from the ground for him to position his legs so that he could pull himself back out.

“… Well, that was easier than I thought it would be,” Ryan heard the lilting, feminine tone callously commenting on his current predicament. “it’s a nice effort on your part, but no good, I’m afraid. You’re back end still looks just as ugly as your front.”
“… Aw, fuck me with a crowbar.”
“Hmm. Kinky.”
Ryan breathed, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance. It was likely that the damned peach colored pony was going to start calling for help, and then the little monsters would put those spears to good use.

Ryan began struggling again.

“Hello, is anypony home?” Exie called out loudly as she knocked aggressively at the front door, banging against it so as to wake the urban home’s inhabitants.
Shit shit shit shit!
“Shut the fuck up!” Ryan hissed, flailing wildly. “You’re gonna get me killed!”
“Oh, right.” He couldn’t see her, but from the tone of her voice, she was giving him a deadpan expression through the door. “Like you killed that guard, and tried to pin it on me.”
“… Uh… I can ‘splain.” Ryan said weakly, legs flopping comically to the ground in defeat. Just to prove that the universe hated him, his action of finally giving up escaping the window loosened him just enough to let him slip free. He banged his elbows loudly against the sill, hitting his head against the window as he did so, but he was free.

The tall man tumbled gracelessly onto his back, breath knocked out of him as he landed with an uff. “Right – explain it to the Canterlot guard, while I’m clearing my naaaaagh!” Exie shrieked as Ryan swept her feet from beneath her with one leg, quickly pushing himself back up and resuming his escape.

Directly into a large armored battalion of angry little soldier ponies, led by a very familiar looking pegasus. Nine, not including the one leading them, all of which had some form of spear of jabbing instrument. Nine spears slowly rose simultaneously, jutting forward and aiming rather precariously close to Ryan’s face for any sort of comfort.
“… Aw, fuck.”

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“You know, this really ain’t so bad.” Ryan said thoughtfully.
“Hm.”
“I mean, I been in lotsa worse places – this sure as hell ain’t what I was ‘spectin’, but you can really tell they put a shit ton o’ work inta the walls.”
“Hmm.”
“And I ain’t been executed yet; that’s gotta be a good sign, right?”
“Hmm…”
“Fuck, they’re proll’y gonna torture me first.”
“Hm.”
“Y’know, on account of all the shit goin’ on.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Then, I’m gonna get dissected, an’ the lil’ fuckers are gonna stick me in a jar somewhere.”
“Hm.”
“Fuck, I wanna go home.”
“Hmm.”

Ryan rubbed his temples wearily, sitting on the soft cot provided for him. Honestly, it was much cleaner than some of the jail cells he’d been in before. It was well lit by some form of built in overhead metal fixture, carved into the stone ceiling. He couldn’t understand why his captors would use some form of electrical lighting on the inside of a prison, but had lit candles in the street and outside houselights.
Maybe you should be a little more fuckin’ worried ‘bout how you got here… he thought to himself, aggravated. He felt stupid for being caught – stupid and weak for being intimidated by a bunch of ponies. Ryan ground his fists angrily, beginning to pace around the small holding cell, occasionally eying the iron bars locking him in.

For whatever reason they deemed necessary, the peach colored mare had been tossed in with him.
Probably ‘cause they’re gonna be back soon, anyway… he thought darkly, enticing visions of precisely how badly he was going to kick that guard dancing in his head. Secretly, he was a little glad he hadn’t been killed; it was almost disturbing, how very much these little ponies reminded him of children.

“… Do you think they still plan to charge me for attempted murder?” the peach colored mare with the (now quite bedraggled) red mane asked him, nervously watching his frantic pacing.
“Jesus Christ, you talk a lot.” Ryan jabbed a finger at her accusingly. “Me, me, me – is that all you ever do?”

Exie snorted, pushing a lock of deep red mane out of her face and nudging her black bow back into its proper place. She leaned back onto her own cot, wistfully beginning to wish she’d merely gone home.
“Has anypony ever told you that you have absolutely no tact when it comes to speaking to a lady?”
“Has anybody ever told you that there’s a difference ‘tween a lady an’ a horsey lookin’ skank?” Ryan cocked an eyebrow, continuously pacing. The flap flop flap flop flap of his dirty and worn sneakers across the scuffed stone floor was getting a little annoying.
“Has anypony ever told you that you’re in a bad position for arguing appearances?”
“Has anybody ever told you that all you lil’ shits are real bad at makin’ introductions?”
“Has anypony ever told you that trying to murder a royal guard is a terrible way to introduce yourself?”
“Has anybody ever told you shut the fuck up?”

His voice echoed with venom, bouncing down the empty halls of the surprisingly well lit prison. For so much echoing, Ryan would have thought that it was much larger than it really was; from what he could see, there were only about three more cells.
Must not have a lot of crime ‘round here. He mentally shrugged, pacing in silence.
After a long stretch of silence (aside from flap flop flap flop) the peach colored mare, whereas still slightly miffed, spoke once more.
“… Ecstasy.”
“What.”

It was more akin to a statement than it was a question; still, it was acknowledgement that she’d spoken, so she could go from there. She lightly tapped the cutie mark she sported of a heart with a price tag attached, as if it were some strange indication of her name.
“It’s my birth name. I go by ‘Exie’.”
“… And?” Ryan grumbled, the flap flop finally ceasing as he dropped with a groan onto the too-small cot. His legs dangled awkwardly over the edge, along with his long and slightly tanned arms.
And head.

For nearly five minutes, they stayed like that. Completely still, completely silent.
For one of them, it was very uncomfortable – for the other, it was an internal struggle.

“… Miller.” He finally grunted, almost unwillingly. “Ryan Miller. In th’ Sharks, they used ta’ call me ‘Jaws’.
“Er… o-kaaaay?” Exie said slowly, the words rolling uncertainly over her tongue. She couldn’t make out quite what he was, but she was almost certain that the beast was no shark, regardless of how sharp it’s teeth were. If anything, he resembled a large, mostly hairless gorilla. The tuft of greasy, unkempt inky black mane atop it’s oddly shaped head gave it – er, him – a slightly feral look. His hooked nose curved down over his face, giving his already scowling look an even meaner appearance. Now that she had a chance to get a decent look at him, he looked… well, grumpy.

Everything about him seemed both simultaneously young and prematurely old. The beady, angry black eyes and furrowed brow, complimented by thin eyebrows. The way he was constantly hunched, although that might have had something to do with his height in comparison to the room’s ceiling. And those freaky looking fingers on the ends of his hands… the way he held them up in front of his face, wriggling them ever so often as he stared was beginning to freak her out.
Not the fact that he seemed to be obsessed with watching himself; it was the way his fingers moved, spindly and jerkily. They reminded her of large, pale spiders.

Ryan, noticing the mare’s sudden shudder, glanced over at her. More out of boredom than anything, and he silently fumed while thinking of some way to escape. Stone didn’t tend to burn too well, but maybe if he set one of the cots aflame he could call fire, set up an ambush…
With no place to hide? Great plan, asshole.

“… ‘The fuck are you starin’ at?” Ryan finally asked, pondering whether or not he could find some way to cling to the ceiling long enough to drop onto one of the guards. His foot tapped against the stone floor nervously, and he quashed the constantly rising fear that he might never return home.
“Sorry,” Exie apologized quickly, turning away from him. Unfortunately, the cell didn’t seem to have any barred windows or vents to the outside, leaving them with no way to tell how much time was passing. “… It’s just, well… You’re sort of… What I mean, is-“
“Spit it out.”
“First time I’ve heard that one.”

Exie jumped at the sudden burst of wind exploding from the strange newcomer to Equestria, before she realized that he’d snorted in a sudden effort not to laugh. A small grin tugged at the corners of his lips, revealing a row of finely filed teeth.
Exie suddenly became very uneasy whenever Ryan smiled.

It was a queer game they played, to pass the time – Ryan would eventually become restless and begin pacing again, only to flop back down. The entire time, the two would shoot crude comments toward the other, an almost mindless chitchat. To Exie, it was a little therapeutic; after all, it was very uncommon that she actually got the chance to really talk to somepony, even if it was only banter. She presumed that she was the only one paying attention to the ‘conversation’, but Ryan would occasionally surprise her with something unexpectedly witty, full of class and charm. Or at least, as much as he could manage.
However, those were few and far between, as most of his comebacks consisted of either incoherent profanity with threats of doom or horrible violation via gardening equipment.

Sometimes, both.

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Exie wasn’t certain at what point she’d fallen asleep. The flap flop of Ryan’s ‘shoes’, if you could call the ratty and torn bits of material that, had slowly lulled her to sleep. She blearily cracked open one eye, watching as a small squadron of six guards stood at attention outside the prison cell. Of course, before she remembered where she was. Exie leapt up, sliding off the cot and onto the stone floor. It had begun to grow a little chilly in the cell, and the multiple rips in her thigh-highs weren’t helping.
On the other hoof, it did give them a sort of… rugged appeal.

“Rise and shine, sleeping be-wow! You weren’t kidding, that thing is ugly.”
The lead stallion of the group, a custard colored pegasus in golden armor with a single blue star attached to the front, stepped back a little from their containment. His intermixed light and dark blue mane tucked slightly between his legs momentarily as he backed up, but he gaudily trotted back forwards once he remembered the evident barrier between him and the looming human.

Ryan stood at the locked door, glaring down at him. He crossed his arms, leering at the little pony.
“Yeah, you’re one ta’ talk. You look like Seabiscuit fucked a Smurf.”
None of the ponies understood the reference, but Exie guessed that it was nothing polite.
“F-for your information,” the blue-maned pegasus sputtered, “I am considered extremely handsome amongst-“
“You make bullfrogs look handsome, numb nuts.” Ryan cut him off, giving the pony a strange gesture with one of his hands. Judging from his scowl and extended middle finger, she guessed it was nothing too polite, either.

The stallion looked taken aback that anyone had dared interrupt him, and he stamped a hoof indignantly.
“I have been charged with-“
“Assault?” Ryan interjected rudely. “Murder? Arson?" he gasped in mock horror, "Jaywalking?!”
“Charged with ensuring the proper conduct is taken when transferring the prisoners!” the stallion flustered, ruffling his wings indignantly beneath his golden armor, which matched the others' sets. A beet red flush had slowly begun creeping its way up his neck, which only encouraged Ryan to continue infuriating him.
This, of course, would potentially result in her own continued imprisonment by correlation.

“What he means to say, is, er…” Exie spurted suddenly, standing at attention before the royal guards. One of which gave her a rather… interested look. She gave him a small wink, cleared her throat and continued. “What he means to say is that he’s very, very sorry for accidentally injuring one of the guards, and that he won’t do it again.”
“… No it ain’t.” Ryan blinked, looking down at her. “I meant ta’ say, ‘I hope he gets raped with a jackhammer’, that’s what I meant to say.”
“… Dammit, Ryan.”

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Brink Slipper rubbed his neck with his left hoof, staring at his other shamefully.
He rubbed his neck this time, not out of discomfort, but out of misery. It was just a bad habit he’d developed, the same as his father had before he’d gone missing. His bright orange tuft of short mane began itching, and he fought the urge to scratch it.
“… You know, you’re going to have to look up eventually.”
“I know, sir.” Brink admitted with a sigh, placing the worn helmet back onto his head as he gazed up into the disappointed eyes of his superior, Shining Armor.
“I mean, really? You thought you could take on a potential alien invasion – ANOTHER one, I might add – alone?”

Brink would have given anything to make that awful guilty feeling go away. It was an outright lie, the claim to have charged the monster in defense of Canterlot – he’d done it because he wanted fame. Glory. Respect.
And he’d nearly gotten killed for it.
“I-I-I know, sir.” Brink mumbled, beginning to paw at the ground in front of him like a school filly again. Guard Captain Shining Armor had that effect on some ponies. “I know what I did wasn’t necessarily protocol, but-“
“Wasn’t protocol?” Armor said loudly, slapping a folder down on his wooden desk. The small plaque bearing his name, directly in front of a framed picture of himself and his wife, bounced slightly. “How many times do I have to drill it through your heads?” he said in dissatisfaction, sighing as he rearranged the objects on his desk wearily. “The Royal Guard is exactly that. There to guard. To protect. What would you have done if you’d walked directly into an ambush?”

Ironically enough, Brink had done just that. Sort of.

“Well – I – I – sir…!” the poor pegasus noticed his voice beginning to crack against his will. The Royal Guard was his entire life; his home, his family, his only reliable source of income. He didn’t think he could bear it should he be stripped of his rank so soon. As if being demoted – in front of that blowhard braggart Sentry – wasn’t enough.
Shining gave another heavy sigh, rubbing his aching eyes. “… Look, son.” He began slowly, and Brink cringed; nothing good ever came from an opening like that.
“I understand if you want to demote me again, sir –“ Brink said suddenly, one last, desperate shard of hope still clinging to him. “- just – just – I’ll go back to scrubbing the chamber pots again, just… please. Don’t discharge me from the Guard – I – I – I can do better, sir!” he pleaded, wringing his hooves in anxiety. “I-I promise, I know I can. I can do so much better.”

And then, for just a single fleeting moment, Brink thought he really had a chance.

“… I know you can, son.” Shining said softly as he closed his eyes. “… That’s what makes this so hard for me.”
Brink’s head dropped, and he held back the sudden stinging that burned his sea green eyes. He was a Royal Guard – he wouldn’t falter. He wouldn’t shed a single tear – such indications of weakness were conditioned out of them from the moment ponies began their training. At least, that’s what he told himself as he fought back the soul crushing weight of the situation.
“I’m not going to throw you out, son.”

Brink’s head shot upwards, so fast that he swore he heard it crick! Again.
“You’re… you’re not, sir?”
“No.” Shining said solemnly as he slowly slid stolidly past the sordid stallion. (Ha! Alliteration accuracy, I have achieved it!)

“No, son. Your judgment is reserved solely for Princess Celestia.”
He nodded toward the throne room, and the pit in Brink’s stomach suddenly fell half a mile away.
Oh, he wasn’t just going to be demoted. In all likelihood, the princess had in mind a much more horrible punishment for his actions – and, no matter how hard he tried, he doubted he would ever be able to successfully lie to the princess. There were some things that she just inexplicably… knew.

Brink tried not to shudder, but Shining caught his face slowly turning the same color as his eyes. There was nothing he could say to the pegasus, however, that could potentially ready him for whatever he was about to face. With a pained look and a sturdy nod of acceptance that only those facing the gallows truly know, Brink Slipper began his plodding trek to the throne room.

He knew what would happen, really. Or at least, the end result; his discharge from the Royal Guard. The only thing that he didn’t know was how their ‘benevolent ruler’ would go about administering his punishment.

You brought this upon yourself, his father’s words drifted back into his mind. That’s what ambition does to ponies – an’ now you ain’t got no way out ‘cept down the garbage chute.
He was a fully grown stallion, not a little filly anymore; it was high time to accept his fate. Regardless of whether or not he wanted to. With a deep breath and a squint of his eyes, Brink unhurriedly pushed open the intricately crafted silver, gold and ivory doors to the throne room to kneel before the goddess of the sun itself to face his impending doom.

Or at least, he was about to, before he was promptly kicked in the rear and thrown unceremoniously through the doorway.

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“EEYOWCH!” Ryan yelped, steadily being pushed forward by the occasional jab to the rear end with one of those pointy, iron tipped spears. “That fuckin’ hurts, ya’ lil’ thigh-high masochist!” he spat hatefully at Flash Sentry, who smugly pointed forward with one hoof, urging him forward.

“… Actually, I believe the word you’re looking for is ‘sadist’,” Exie interrupted, walking calmly beside him as she took in the sights of the castle. The towering pillars, the open and flowing windows overlooking expansive gardens full of color, the morning sun shining in cheerily as birds chirruped nearby; it really was beautiful. She regretted not getting to see more sights like this one. It was much more ‘hustle and bustle’ in Manehattan.
“Fine, the lil’ fuckers are thigh-high masochist sadists.”

Exie pinched the bridge of her nose with one hoof, and Ryan silently remarked how strange it looked to see one of them walking calmly forward on three legs. Ryan compared it to a normal person suddenly beginning to hop on one leg while speaking, scratching their face or using a cell phone with the other foot.

In effect, it was downright creepy.
Ryan trudged along, glowering at all the little soldier-like ponies behind him.
Behind him.
… Behind him.
… Ho-lee shit, these guys are stupid.

“Hey, look, a dragon!” Ryan bellowed in mock-surprise, pointing back over the shoulders of the guards.
If Ryan hadn’t taken that exact opportunity to run forward as fast as he could, he’d have been smitten with laughter as every single one of them turned on the spot.

“A-after him!” Sentry, their (thoroughly humiliated) leader yelped, giving hoof signals to one of the guards to stay behind with the peach colored mare. The lone guard looked relatively pleased about this. Shouts and clanging followed as both Earth pony and pegasus alike charged down the polished hallway, screaming threats of capture and much jabbing with pointy objects after Ryan.
Ryan, however, had gained quite a bit of distance on the little ponies.
He allowed himself an animalistic grin, pushing himself farther and farther from them as he sharply rounded a corner, thanking his luck that this one had nobody to block his way.

And, of course, Ryan forgot the most important rule of them all.
The universe hates Ryan.
Turning another corner only led to a dead end, and he quickly backpedalled to discover that the small enclave of angry guardsponies had gained a fair amount of distance on him, the arrogant blue-maned one in the lead.
Shit shit shit shit shit! He thought furiously as his feet carried him as fast as they could down an adjacent hall, this one even more magnificent than the last. Which he would have probably marveled at, were he not running for his life. And, of course, this one was a dead end as well – no, wait. No dead end, merely a door to some kind of antechamber with some sad little pony looking at it.

The pegasus in the guard’s uniform had it’s back turned to him as he opened the massive double doors, giving Ryan an almost perfect opportunity.
His shark-like grin grew all the wider as he powerfully punted the positively pained poor pegasus in the posterior (okay, these are getting old) and kicked him directly through the double doors. Ryan quickly followed, cackling madly at the success of his surprise attack.

At least, until he came face-to-face with an even larger squad of very ruffled looking ponies, and one very, very angry princess.

“… Aw, fuck.”

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Author's Note

The universe is going to take it's eventual revenge against Ryan for being an unbearable jackass. Mark my words.

You Had ONE Job

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“… Well. Fuck me with a crowbar.”

And that’s when the screaming started.

Fancily dressed ponies, politicians and bureaucrats, lobbyists and attendees alike scrambled at the sight of the horrendous intruder, shrieking and wailing in terror.
“If you’d all be so kind as to calm yourselves,” Princess Celestia went relatively unheard as she sat at the far end of a large, ornate conference table. She calmly lifted a china cup of coffee to her lips, breathing deeply as the scent wafted comfortably to her muzzle.
Nopony listened to her, of course. It only served to agitate her mild headache.
Today was going to be one of those days.

“I would greatly appreciate it would you all kindly calm down, and allow me to explain the situation.” Celestia said to no one, her voice lost in the multitude of shouts and panicked cries. Her face retained the same mask of serenity that she’d practiced to perfection for over a millennia, belying not a hint of the raging fury within.

“Do please take your seats. I will only ask for quiet once more.” Celestia never raised her voice, or even moved from her position. The only other pony that wasn’t running around the room screaming in fear ‘the horror, the HORROR!’ was the lone tan pegasus picking himself up unceremoniously from the floor, dusting his flank ashamedly. A single cracked diamond gleamed through the crowd as his Cutie Mark, but Celestia knew precisely who Brink Slipper was long before he was thrown violently through her meeting room doors.

The creature standing just behind him stared about the room in dim surprise; it shot a single dirty look at her before grinning wickedly and beginning to advance. This, of course, only caused the panic and din of the room’s inhabitants to grow louder.

“SILENCE!”

Ryan stopped midstride.
The raw, overwhelming force of the largest one’s voice almost bowled him over, and she looked like she barely used any effort. He noticed that it had grown so silent in the past two seconds that you could hear a pin drop.

Celestia quietly cleared her throat, small, serene smile never fading from her lips as she raised her china cup with her magic. “Now, why don’t we all sit back down and discuss things reasonably?”
“Why don’t you suck my DICK?”
Celestia’s cup cracked.
A collective gasp of surprise rippled through the standing ponies, and one or two of them fainted on the spot. They carefully backed away from the looming beast, edging towards the walls.

Jesus. Dramatic little thigh-high bastards.
“I don’t believe that kind of language is called for.” Celestia said calmly, giving him an even look. She looked, on the whole, completely unperturbed that Ryan had just crashed her meeting by throwing one of her subjects through the door.
Again, Celestia had a very good poker face.

“And I don’t believe in talkin’ horses, Mister Ed. So, how’s about we call it even, and you assholes take me offa whatever drug you’re obviously injectin’ me with?” Ryan rambled conversationally, taking a small seat at the opposite end of Celestia as he silently wished for his cigarettes back. He tried to make himself comfortable in the oddly shaped bucket seat, kicking his feet up on the table and grinning broadly at her. “Fuck, or at least give me some ta’ take back with me; you got any idea how much that shit goes for?”
Celestia blinked, setting her cracked cup down on her saucer very, very slowly. The atmosphere in the room was so thick that you could cut it with a knife.

“Mister… human, am I correct?” Celestia asked calmly, staring directly at him. Celestia’s ‘informant’ was late. Again. That only meant that something was bound to go wrong eventually, and she would be prepared. Her strangely flowing multi-hued mane was distracting Ryan, considering that all of the windows in the room were closed.
“Huh? Oh. ‘Sup.” Ryan cocked an eyebrow.
“… Yes. ‘Sup.” Celestia reiterated, deadpanning. “We were just discussing your particular case, which we would gladly continue; that is, should the rest of you prefer standing?” she asked, eyeing the standing (and frankly, terrified) ponies. Most of them simply remained still, but a couple here and there reluctantly reclaimed their seats.

“Thank you.” Celestia said calmly as ponies began seating themselves around the table, some flustered ones with manila folders and important looking papers. In effect, they looked like-
“Oh, shit, they’re bureaucrats.” Ryan seethed in disdain. He despised government officials, almost as much as he did authority figures. Taking in the sight, Ryan realized that whereas everyone (everypony?) had been properly seated, there were none left standing. Which was odd, because he’d taken the seat at the end, meaning somebody had to have been sitting there… right?
The squadron of guards that hurriedly stood at attention as Celestia gathered the ponies around the table stood by the door, watching fretfully as the human picked his teeth with a cracked and dirty fingernail. Brink Slipper, however, suddenly became very interested in the patterns of the linoleum. Much to Ryan’s pleasure, the yellowish-pegasus bastard that had called him ugly looked even more distraught than the one he’d kicked.

Kicked a goddamn pony. Whelp, that settles it. I am officially evil as fuck. Carlos would be proud.
“Your highness, this… beast and his accomplice attempted to escape.” Flash Sentry glowered at him before straightening up. The pony that called herself ‘Exie’ had lost her bow, and she stood flanked by two guards, one of which had a couple of lipstick smears on his armor. He looked… particularly embarrassed.
“Oh, yeah. ‘Sup, fuck-knuckle?” Ryan waved in a two fingered mock-salute without bothering to look at him. Sentry’s eyes narrowed dangerously, but he didn’t reply.
“So I see. Thank you for informing me, Flash Sentry.” Celestia said flatly, and Ryan could have sworn he caught a sliver of sarcasm in her tone. Sentry, on the other hand (hoof?) didn’t seem to catch on.

“Anything else?” Celestia asked slowly, awaiting the unavoidable. “Come now, I know somepony’s got something they want to chip in to delay progress even further.”
Nobody moved, not even Ryan. The large one that seemed to be in charge had an odd look in her eye, almost as if she were… expecting something.
“I’m only going to ask once more,” Celestia reiterated slowly, speaking to the empty air. “Nopony has anything else to add? No?”

One of the guards looked at Flash Sentry expectantly, who shrugged back at him.
Brink, however, had heard the stories. Brink had slowly begun inching backwards towards the wall.
“Very well.” Celestia said solemnly, gazing down the table at Ryan. “We shall convene by-“
The center of the table exploded violently upward, spewing hundreds of gallons of chocolate milk over the inhabitants of the table. Celestia was apparently the only one prepared, as a flash from the tip of her horn ensured that the majority of the brown wave flew harmlessly around her. Unfortunately for everyone else, chocolate milk tends to stick to ponies (and humans) quite well.

Blasting up in the middle of the screaming wave of chocolate (and shortly afterwards, blue wheelbarrows with hummingbird wings) was the strangest creature Ryan had ever seen. He wasn’t quite sure if it helped to pull him out of his shock, or drag him further into it; either way, he couldn’t stop staring at the freakish thing. An eagle’s talon, the slithering serpentine portions, mismatched wings – everything about the cackling draconequus screeched patchwork. Even his eyes, one iris clearly misshapen, seemed distinctly off.

Also, there was the fact that he was riding vertically on an upside down umbrella, using it as a surfboard.
”Wah-haha ha ha haaaaaaa!” Discord squealed in glee, backflipping through the air and landing gracefully atop the (now chocolate) gilded chandelier. “Sheogorath’s got nothing on this! HA!”

“Hullo, Discord.” Celestia sighed in defeat he descended gaily, promptly whipping an oversized, pompous, and silly looking red hat from behind his back and jamming it firmly atop his head. His antler and horn both ripped through it, and he grinned wildly as he propped himself up on two elbows directly in front of the princess while the rest of his body floated through the air.
“Ahp, ahp, ahp!” he chided cheerily. “I thought we discussed proper titles, Ti-ti?”

Despite the fact that she was stunned from sheer shock, half-terrified out of her wits, and partially coated in cold chocolate milk, Exie had to snicker at the mismatched creature’s nickname for the winged ruler.
“Enough games, vizier.”
“Aw, you didn’t even use the right one!” Discord pouted, leaping off the table with startling agility.
“… Clean up your mess, Discord.”
“Not until you call me by my new proper title.”

“No.”
“I like my new proper title.”
“No.”
“Pleeeeeeease?”

Celestia groaned inwardly, feeling her headache grow. After a few moments, she let out a long, exasperated breath through her nostrils.
“Please clean up your mess, Grand Vizier of Chaos and... Supreme Minister of... Silly Things.”
“Much better.” Discord cackled, snapping his talons together as a dim twinkle sparked between them. No sooner had he done so that the entire ordeal was resolved; no trace of his existence remained whatsoever, as if it had never even occurred.
Aside from the draconequus with a goofy smile standing next to Celestia, that is.

“… What the fuck.”
Suffice to say, Princess Luna was quite surprised to discover that some freakish alien creature had stolen her seat whilst she was away, finding solace in her short break from the awful noise that a whiny politician could make. Then again, everyone else was quite surprised when Luna loudly cursed.

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Brink waited miserably outside the door.
What was it with everypony and having him wait outside? Sometimes, he felt like they all treated him like he was some kind of dumb dog who’d rolled in something smelly.
That, and his flank was still sore. He rubbed it tenderly, wincing as he did so. It really wasn’t fair to him at all; just because that… thing didn’t have the right number of legs, that meant he got first and private audience with the princess. Just thinking about it made the familiar jealousy begin to boil back up within him again… at least, until he remembered precisely why he was in this position in the first place.

Maybe if he hadn’t been so jealous of everypony else advancing ahead of him, he wouldn’t have tried to rush the ‘human’ thing in vain pursuit of glory and respect. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
If he listened closely, Brink could almost make out the sound of the voices on the other side of the door.

He didn’t really like what he heard.

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“What do you mean, I can’t go home?”

Ryan blanched at the winged unicorn, pacing back and forth in front of her and her sister. The slowly spiraling draconequus twirling haphazardly around in the air above them was making him nervous. Long after the rest of the politically minded ponies vying for the princess’s favor had gone, Ryan remained in the room to await his awakening.
As he suspected, he did not ‘wake up’. Ryan proceeded to feel quite stupid.

Even the mare that he’d been temporarily imprisoned with stayed in the room, though for very different reasons. She reclined at the long white table, slowly swirling a small glass of chocolate milk and staring at its contents pensively.

“I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but there is simply no way for us to determine where you came from,” Celestia said solemnly, eying the beast warily as he stomped back and forth.
“How can you not have the power to return Ryan home?” Exie asked suddenly. Ryan cringed at her pronunciation of his name, the same as Celestia had done when he’d told her. Rye – Anne. He suddenly felt like kicking ponies again. “I mean, you move the sun. On a daily basis!”

Princess Celestia stared at the peach colored mare for a long moment, and Exie suddenly seemed to remember just who she was speaking to.
“Um… I-I mean…”
“It’s quite alright.” Celestia said with a soft, understanding smile. Much unlike her silent (and slightly miffed) younger sister, who merely mirrored the scowl Ryan wore. Luna didn’t seem to like him very much. “I never said I do not currently possess the capacity to do so; however, without an exact point to return him to, we may very well wind up leaving the… ‘human’ in a much worse position.”
Above, Discord was doing a mimicking impersonation of Ryan’s pace, stomping through the air in an exaggeratedly grumpy, ridiculous fashion.

“… ‘The fuck do you mean, move the sun?” Ryan asked incredulously, stopping his pacing. Discord did so simultaneously, slapping a bonnet atop his poofy red one and scowling down at them. “Shit, dude. I dropped outta school, but I’m smart ‘nough ta know that the world goes ‘round the sun.”
Luna’s eyes widened a little, and she scoffed for the first time since her vulgar outburst. “… Really? I thought that silly theory was disproved already.” She shook her head, noting the creature’s confusion.

“See?” Discord chimed in, and by this point he had collected a large number of assorted and ludicrous looking multicolored hats atop his head, all of which balanced precariously and threatened to topple at a moment’s notice. Discord seemed unbothered. “What did I tell you, Ti-Ti? Different universe, different basic fundamental laws of physics.”
“You are not turning this into another rant on Chaos Theory again, Discord.” Celestia said flatly, and his disappointment reverberated with his ridiculously drooping hats, all of which slumped over in a depressed manner without ever leaving his head.

“Bah. You never let me have any fun.”
“Can we please get to the issue at hand?” Celestia breathed with a hint of impatience. “This has gone on for long enough. There has been an attempted murder – in the center of Canterlot, no less – upon one of my subjects. A Royal Guard, at that.” Her eyes narrowed dangerously at Exie before shifting to Ryan, and he suddenly felt the urge to cower behind the chair at the far end of the table, away from the quadruped. Immediately afterwards, he silently berated himself for feeling any sort of fear. She was a horse. He could take her.

“Oh, is he still here?” Discord asked nonchalantly, sidling into a seat next to Exie and pulling a small water balloon out of thin air. From it, he proceeded to pour out yet another large wine glass full of chocolate milk. Exie watched in fascination as it silently filled from the wrong end, gathering downward instead of filling up. “I thought you demoted that guy.”
“Slipper is a… pending case, Discord.” Celestia said cautiously. The way the draconequus had slithered up next to one of her many subjects was a little unnerving, explaining the peach colored mare’s evident discomfort. There were times when Discord reminded her of a wily viper, waiting for the opportune moment to strike.

“So, are you going to banish him, maybe? You should let me dish out judgments more often, hmm?” Discord asked playfully, curling around until he was upside down in the chair. “Possibly imprisonment? Or imprisonment in the place you banish him to. I’ve heard that’s a particularly nasty-“
“May haps my sister considers reinstating your original punishment,” Luna chipped in dryly, glaring at Discord with barely concealed contempt. "Maybe you would prefer to insist upon that one?"

Much to Exie’s displeasure, the entire room went cold. Even a couple of snowflakes began dropping softly from the ceiling. Discord froze in place next to her, and he kept a blank expression even though his voice changed so starkly.
“Maybe I don’t seal ponies in stone.” He spat venomously, coiling up beneath himself.

The tone in the strange being’s voice resonated with bitterness, which Ryan promptly noticed. One of his misshapen eyes had begun to develop a slight twitch.

“… That was a long time ago, Discord.”
Celestia spoke quietly, but it was evident that she was straining to keep her serene expression. Instead, Exie thought to herself that she merely looked… empty.
“Time heals all wounds, and all that!” the draconequus promptly spouted with a mad grin, springing once more into the air. The chair quickly followed him, waddling up invisible steps to place itself beneath him. “So, on to topic!” he clapped his ‘hands’ together with sudden eagerness, staring down at Ryan and the earth pony.

“Aye.” Luna nodded unenthusiastically, agreeing with Discord. “The law is still binding – regardless of circumstance, any and all acts of violence against an innocent must be punished forthwith.”
For a moment, Celestia’s expressionless mask dropped, and Exie could have sworn she saw a sliver of unhappiness lining her face. Just like that, it was gone; she looked precisely the same as ever. Albeit, slightly more focused.

However, Exie was a bit more concerned on finally clearing her name.

“Er… I… don’t mean to interrupt, um, your… highness…?” Exie began cautiously. She’d never actually had the opportunity to speak to royalty before, let alone the princess herself. Exie cleared her throat, nervously tugging at her black leg warmers. “Um, just… just so we’re clear, I-I am free to go, right?”
Much to Exie’s displeasure, Celestia replied quickly.

“Absolutely not.”
“What?” she screeched, before flattening her ears against her head. “But… but…!”
“As of yet, the only reports we have are from Brink Slipper indicating an attempted murder in a dark room, and one witness testimonial.” Celestia said quietly, eyes flickering over to Ryan.
“… Oh, you have got to be joking.” Exie deadpanned, glaring at the human.

“… What?” Ryan shrugged innocently. “It’s not my fault you tried to kill that poor guy, and blame it on little old me.”
Exie stared openmouthed at his outright falsehood, sputtering in her anger.
“I – you – I mean – b-but – he’s so obviously lying!” she seethed, crossing her hooves across her pale honey colored chest in frustration. Surely Celestia or Luna could see that he couldn’t be trusted?
“That’s an awfully bold statement to make,” Discord chimed in with a leer. “Especially for somepony that just attempted murder – now you’re making up false testimonies. One thing after another. Tsk, tsk, tsk.” He tutted, waggling a talon at her.

“But-but I… I didn’t…! I would never...!” Exie pleaded, almost in tears. How could she be on the receiving end of this? She was an innocent!

For a single, fleeting instant, Ryan felt a very small, awkward pang in his chest at seeing the poor mare this close to weeping. And, for a moment, one could have easily compared it to something like guilt. However, it vanished faster than a stack of unguarded bottle caps in an untended and open vault.

“Your own case is considered equally valid, until further evidence comes to light.” Luna quietly reassured the panicked pony, nodding in her direction. “However, as of yet, we have only your own word, and… this thing’s claim of innocence.”
“What about that one guy with the snappy-neck?” Ryan interjected. “He didn’t have anything ta’ say before she tried to kill him?”
“I AM BUCKING INNOCENT!” Exie yelled across the table suddenly, hurling the glass of chocolate milk at him. He cackled as it flew over his head, shattering against the plastered wall.
“See? See?” Ryan jabbed a thumb at her. “She's dangerous - unstable! She’s got issues. She’s totally a killer – snaps just. Like. That.” He snapped his fingers together for emphasis, trying to hide his grin. “Probably a serial killer. You assholes should be thanking me fer repredentin’ a public menace.”

Celestia paused, lost in thought. “I… believe the word you are searching for is ‘reprimanded’.”
“Yeah. Yeah, that too.”
Celestia, no matter how much Ryan wished it were true, was no idiot. That, and somehow, whenever she stared at him Ryan felt a little shiver begin to crawl up his spine. It was almost as if she knew he were lying, and was just toying with him. It made him feel stupid. It made him feel weak.

And that was unacceptable.
Discord cleared his throat loudly, waving at them from the chandelier.
“I’m all for watching Days of Your Lives for the next five hours while you all wail dramatically and all,” Discord grumbled as he tapped a shining, oversized watch that had suddenly appeared on his wrist. “But if it’s all the same to you, can we wrap this up quickly? I’ve got an appointment in, like, five minutes.”

Luna seemed angry at first, but it changed to thorough confusion once she realized that Discord wasn’t jesting.
“… What could you possibly be doing that is more important than the royal court?” Luna glared at him.
“Oh, p-shaw.” He waved her off, hanging from the chandelier with his tail as it slowly began turning into licorice. “Like your little get together was anything important.”
“Important enough to concern the fate of a potential murderer.” The princess of the night deadpanned.

The draconequus chortled, as if he were in on a joke that nobody else could understand. “Oh, you.”
“Very well, vizier.” Celestia said without looking at him. She ruffled her wings uncomfortably, shifting in her position. “I sincerely doubted that we were to make any progress this day as it were.”
“Because your ‘politicians’ are idiots?”
She snorted, masking it with a cough. “Begone, Discord. Just make sure you’re back before sundown.”
He groaned, dropping from the ceiling. “Fine, mom.” Discord grunted, snapping his talons together. He vanished instantaneously, leaving a smell of singed cotton candy in the air.

Luna stared in disbelief at her sister.
“… Just… just like that?” she gaped.
“He’s out of my mane for five minutes.” Celestia suddenly slumped forward, rubbing her aching temples. “As far as I’m concerned, he can’t cause too much chaos in that kind of timespan around Fluttershy.”
“Tia, this is Discord we’re-“
“I know, Lulu. I know.”

Exie and Ryan watched the pair of siblings converse with mild fascination. Well, Exie did. Ryan had been (not very) stealthily stealing leftover paperclips and slipping them into his pockets.
“… So…” Exie began anxiously.
“The matter shall be resolved shortly.” Celestia said with a small smile. “Brink Slipper?” she called out unexpectedly. “I know you’re listening. I have a task for you.”
Clank!

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“Brink Slipper?” the princess spoke loudly through the door. “I know you’re listening. I have a task for you.”

Brink nearly leapt out of his armor, clanging away from the door guiltily. After a moment to collect himself, he pushed the door open grudgingly and stood at attention.
“Brink Slipper, Thirteenth Battalion, reporting for duty sir!”
The tan pegasus with the bright orange short mane almost fell over himself in his fervor, quickly correcting himself as he did so.
“I mean, ma’am! Sir – your highness! I mean… ma’am!” Brink stuttered, one gauntleted hoof flying up to his head in salute. His hoof slapped against his head painfully before he remembered that he’d lost his helmet in the ruckus. The clunk sounded unbearably loud, even to himself. Brink’s face alit in shame at his substandard performance, and he tried not to sweat nervously beneath his slightly dingy armor.

This was it.
This was the part where she handed out his punishment, like a looming and stern mother… with the power to move the sun. He did his best to listen, but his own crushing defeat felt like it was bearing down on his ears.
This was the part where he was going to be imprisoned. Or maybe a life of hard labor would be his destiny. Knowing his awful luck though, Brink was most likely to be exiled from Equestria forever, just like his father. They would probably-

“I’m sorry, you want me to what?”

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“This be some straight-up bullshit!”
Ryan rattled the cell’s long metal bars angrily, but the iron portal refused to grant him leave.
“Oh, calm down. I can let you out, first thing in the morning,” Brink said casually, kicking back in one of the oddly-shaped wooden bucket seats as he rested two legs on the small foldable table before him. The pegasus sat on watch directly in front of the ‘guests’, observing them intently.

She’d given him another chance to prove himself.
And she’d done so by giving him a remarkably simple and easy job. Just one job. Not a punishment, not a slew of tasks; just one job. And he would do it well.
Celestia had made Brink Slipper a temporary jailor.

He whistled unconcernedly as he whirled the small ring with a single key around the tip of his wing, nearly dropping it several times.
“Bullshit! Bull – shit!” Ryan cursed vehemently, shaking the bars in the hopes that he could free one in order to bludgeon the pegasus. Even though he still wasn’t as smug as the other one with the blue hair. Mane. Whatever. It was only a matter of time before the ponies came back to drag him off to be experimented on, dissected and bottled. Or caged.

Already caged... he thought grimly.

“What did I even do?” Exie asked miserably from her cot, as much to herself as it was to anyone else. “Where did I go wrong…?”
“Who knows?” Brink relaxed in his seat, making himself comfortable. “It could have been when you tried to kill me.”
“But that wasn’t me!” Exie sat up defensively, ready to present her defense in the meager hope that she’d be freed if she could convince the pegasus to side with her. Then again…

“Do you have any proof?” Brink cocked an eyebrow, glancing back and forth between the pony and the freakishly tall thing. Of course, Brink Slipper had no doubts whatsoever that it was probably the ‘human’ thing that had attempted to take his life. But, from his position, all he saw was an additional prisoner. And twice the number of prisoners meant twice the number of responsibilities, and twice the number of responsibilities that he could handle was twice as much as he needed to prove that he was indeed a capable and reliable guard.

In short, Brink was being an unreasonable jackass in order to get good standing with the princess.

“Yeah, fuck nut!” Ryan stared at Exie as he collapsed onto his own cot across from hers. “Where’s your proof?”
“This isn’t fair,” Exie sobbed into her hooves, and the odd guilty feeling in Ryan’s chest crawled back. “I-I’ve never gone to prison in my entire life!”
“... Ah, it ain’t so bad.” Ryan said quickly as he leaned back against the cold stone walls, his long legs extending to the floor with ease. “So long as ya’ ‘member to keep a good shank close, y’ain’t even gotta worry ‘bout droppin’ the soap.”

Both of the ponies stared hard at him.
“… What?” he asked, confused. “Shit, y’all look at me like y’ain’t gotta worry ‘bout prison rape.”
“… Please put me in a different cell.” Exie said suddenly.
“Bitch, I wouldn’t fuck you with a ten foot pole.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” the earth pony snapped at him, drying away any tears she had left. She wouldn’t let this… this… brute get the best of her. “At least I’m not hideous!”
“I never said y’weren’t pretty. I’m sayin’ I’d lose the pole.”

“Oh, fuck y-“ she stopped herself, studying him. “… You think I’m pretty?”
“That ain’t what I meant!” Ryan crossed his arms in an agitated ‘X’ in front of himself. “I don’t go fuckin’ wit’ your type.”

“Hm. Well, I guess you’re in luck, guard-colt.” Exie said slyly as she snuck a peek at their pegasus guardian, who was reclining in a way that resembled someone eagerly awaiting free entertainment. Brink jumped a little at her noticing him, and he rearranged his armor in an attempt to look professional.

“I’m, uh... sorry, mister… ‘human’. But you really aren’t my type.” Brink confessed awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck with his foreleg.
“Fuck you. Fuck all of you lil’ thigh-highs.”

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“So, use yer feminine wiles to trick the dumb bastard into givin’ you the keys.”
“I’m still here, you know,” Brink announced, bored. One unfortunate downside to being stuck as their jailor for the night; that meant he was expected to keep watch all night. And they didn’t have too many pleasant things to say about him. Some of the 'escape' plans Ryan had strangely decided to announce quite loudly were all ridiculous, each one dumber than the last. One of them even involved a cake and file.

“For the umpteenth time, I am not some kind of… of…!” Exie countered, her frustration with the ape at an all-time high. She sat with her legs tucked beneath her, and stared in mixed enthrallment and mild revulsion as the ‘thing’ attempted to mimic her. Ryan crossed his long legs and folded them beneath himself the wrong way, bending them up into something he called ‘Indian Style’. It looked downright bizarre.

“Skank?” Ryan offered helpfully. “Ho? Bitch? Hey, Snappy.” Ryan flipped off Brink, garnering his attention. “The perp wants ta’ blow you. So, how’s about you open up that door, eh?” he asked in what was quite possibly the most pitiful attempt at subterfuge either of the ponies had ever seen.

“… You’re joking, right?” Brink deadpanned, shifting in his seat. It was getting difficult to keep his eyes open. This was what happened when daytime guards were promptly transferred to the night shifts.
Which wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t gone and gotten yourself demoted, he thought bitterly.
“Nah, man.” Ryan flapped his hand at the impromptu jailor informally. “This bitch loves them guard-sy tpyes. Chicks dig uniforms.”
“You know what?” Exie snapped. “Forget the key. Just slip something really,really sharp through the bars for me, and I’ll take care of the rest.”

Of course, her statement didn’t do much to help her position. In her defense, Ryan Miller was an unbearable asshole.
“You’re an unbearable asshole.” Ryan stated to the earth pony bluntly, crossing his arms as he tried to make himself comfortable on the cot.
Exie seethed in frustration, thinking furiously. At this point, she was seriously considering facing whatever judgment would come for smothering the bastard in his sleep. She shook her head viciously, forcing herself to remain calm.

She didn’t know how he managed to do it.
Maybe it was just the way he looked, or the odd accent he used when he spoke. Perhaps it was the way he stood, or his behavior in general. Nopony else she’d ever known managed to get under her skin and annoy her quite like this… thing.
“I swear, I am going to kick you from here to Tartarus if you don’t shut up.” Exie glared into his beady, mean black eyes as he spread out as well as he could on his cot, preparing to sleep. Much to her surprise, his eyes flickered toward their pegasus guard, desperately trying not to nod off.

And then he winked.
She almost missed it.
A quick, almost imperceptible and silent wink, but she caught it. He was indicating that she should follow his lead.

Pondering, Exie stated slowly “... Hey, guard-colt. I’m going to sleep, so make sure I don’t get stabbed, okay?”
Brink twitched, sagging eyes creaking open. “I have a name, you know.” He scowled, trying his best to stay awake. They got nice, comfortable beds. Well, cots. But, still. It wasn't fair that he got stuck with an uncomfortable chair. Then again, if he shifted just right, he could relax in it pretty easily.

“That’s great, guard-colt.” Exie mumbled distractedly, but loud enough for him to hear. She curled into a more comfortable position and deliberately slowed her breathing, listening intently. If Brink Slipper had been paying attention, he’d have noticed that her ears had gone almost completely straight in her excitement.

All she had to do was wait.

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One thing that nopony warned Exie about their jailor.
Brink snored.
Brink snored a lot.

The rattling, breathy grinding of his snores grated against her sensitive ears, and it took all of her resolve not to grit her teeth. She stared up at the ceiling without seeing it, trying to lose herself in thought. It was difficult, considering the fact that the pegasus was almost grunting in his sleep. After a certain amount of time, the lights above them slowly began to dim, leaving them all in the dark.

If it hadn’t been for the horrendous racket, she might have considered him a little cute.
Their guard had an angular, almost feminine jaw, curving upwards into a lithely muscled feature. The slightly dinged and dingy armor made him look a little silly, in retrospect. It was a little too unfitting, and shuffled when he breathed. Brink reminded her of a little foal dressing up in clothes too large for him. A small grin tugged at her lips from the thought, picturing him as an innocent colt.

The smile slowly faded from her lips.
Innocence was a funny thing. Exie’s heart pinched as she wished she still had it herself.
... Maybe I never had innocence at all.
It was quiet for what seemed like forever. Beneath Brink’s hefty snores, she could hear the sound of her own heartbeat pumping in anticipation.

“… Psst.”
“Hmm?” Exie started, careful to keep her voice no more than a whisper. Then again, she probably could have shouted and still not had to worry about waking the guard.
“He’s good’n out. Time ta’ make our move.” Ryan sat up straight, peeling off his worn black shirt.

“… What-what are you doing?” Exie asked sharply, heat beginning to rise in her face. “I thought you were joking about prison ra-“
“No, ya’ dumb fuck!” Ryan hissed, hushing her. He knelt and crept over to her cot, pushing the shirt at her. At first, the one word he spoke seemed to bounce off of her ears, like she hadn’t actually heard it due to its preposterous nature.

“… I’m sorry, you want me to what?”
“I said, piss!” Ryan fumed quietly, gesturing at his shirt. Exie’s face flushed even more deeply as the heat burned against her cheeks.
“… Sorry, but getting freaky is going to cost you extra.”
Ryan swore loudly, throwing his hands up in exasperation. He facepalmed at the noise he’d just made, quickly checking to make sure that the tan pegasus was still snoring soundly. Silently, Ryan tossed the shirt into the corner of the cell, and unzipped his pants.

“… Oh, ew.”
Exie sidled backwards against the stone wall as the human urinated on his own clothing. “That is disgusting!” she said, revolted.
“Hey, fuck you.” Ryan flipped her the bird, finishing up and re-zipping his pants slowly. “There ain’t no toilet in here.”
“Couldn’t you have held it?”
“I meant, ta’ get it wet!” Ryan groaned, picking up his shirt. Exie cringed in repugnance as he began to wring out the now-foul smelling cloth. It was just plain nasty.

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ. How else d’ya’ think we’re supposed to break out?”
Exie’s head tilted in confusion as he slid past her, making for the iron bars. Just what was he planning?
“Break out?” she shot back in a loud whisper. “He said they’d let us out in the morning!”
“Yeah.” Ryan nodded, beginning to wrap the wet cloth around the iron bars and positioning it carefully. “So’s they can sentence us. Don’tcha get it?” he inquired, wrapping the shirt in a single large knot around a couple of the bars and tightening it. In the dark, Exie could almost make out the outline of something on his back, but she couldn’t tell what it was.

“Get what?”
“They can’t figure out which one of us is innocent, so they’re gonna give us both the same sentence. It don’t matter what – hnng! – either one of us says, anyways. They ain’t gonna jus’ let us go.” Ryan grunted pessimistically as he twisted the cloth. Exie watched in mild disgust and incredulity as the human displayed a remarkable strength hidden within his appendages, and the iron bars…
… slowly began to bend.

Ryan applied as much pressure as he could to the wet cloth, pulling and heaving quietly at the middle of the iron bars to bend them. The tighter he twisted the cloth, the more the bars bent.
… That is bucking ingenious. Exie stared, dumbfounded. Of course, what he said about them both being punished couldn’t possibly be true… could it?
Ryan panted heavily tossing the filthy rag back into the corner and wiping his hands on his jeans. The space between the bars had grown enough to allow someone very small to slip through.

“There.” Ryan wiped a bead of sweat from his brow with the crook of his elbow, backing away from the door. “Now, get out of here.”
“… I’m sorry, what?” Exie blinked, standing. She felt stupid – it was as if her brain had simply refused to respond after the human began bending iron bars. Maybe spending too much time around the gorilla was causing her own mind to break down.
“Get out while you still can!” Ryan repeated, pointing toward the pony-sized exit. “Look, kid,” he explained. “I prolly’ deserve whatever they’re gonna throw at me. If ya’ run now, you can get a pretty good head start. Get out of here while you can, y’know?”

Exie, baffled by his almost complete turnaround, took her opportunity to slip through the bars and wriggling her way out. Ryan gave her flank a small push when she struggled to get through, and she let out a quiet eep!
The mare fell to the floor, freezing in terror. However, the guard snored on. From her position on the floor, she could see a glint hanging from Brink’s chest plate.
“Whadd’re you waitin’ for?” Ryan whispered angrily. “Don’t just lay there, ya’ fuckin’ idiot! Run, before these psychos decide to chop you up and stick you in a jar, too!”

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Ryan became as equally dumbfounded as Exie had been when the door swung slowly open, and Exie spat out the key ring she’d snagged with her teeth from the unsuspecting guard.
The human stared down at her, and Exie smoothed her red mane back.
“… Why?” he breathed, towering over her in befuddlement.

“Later!” Exie hissed back, her heartbeat jumping into her throat as their pegasus guard began to stir. “Come on, let’s get out of here!” She hadn't felt excitement like this in a long time.
Ryan grinned at his sudden change in luck. Maybe he wouldn’t be executed and dissected by alien ponies today, after all.

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Brink slipper awoke sometime in the middle of the night, the sound of flap flop flap flop flap pulling him gently out of his slumber. Sleepily, he dragged his eyelids open and groggily noted the empty cot before him. The nice, soft empty cot.

He wasn’t certain how long he slept, but sleeping in armor made it very uncomfortable. He awoke in a rather pleasant mood, however. Brink stretched lazily on the warm cot as the automatic lighting began to warm up in lieu of the new day.

Oddly enough, he could have sworn he smelled urine. Ah, no matter. He was certain that he was only imagining it. It could be easily ignored, so long as he could go back to blissful sleep. After all, any decent guard needed plenty of sleep in order to-
“You had one job, Brink Slipper.” His eyes shot open in horror and disbelief as he whirled around, desperately trying to figure out why he was asleep on one of the prisoner’s cots. And why there weren’t any prisoners. Also, why Guard Captain Shining Armor stood furiously in the doorway, holding aloft Brink’s battered helmet.

“One – job!”

Because the Author's Notes won't let me post links.

Author's Note

Seriously, if you guys haven't read ImJustAnotherBrony's Manehattan Mare yet, go do that.
Right nao.