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“… Well. Fuck me with a crowbar.”

And that’s when the screaming started.

Fancily dressed ponies, politicians and bureaucrats, lobbyists and attendees alike scrambled at the sight of the horrendous intruder, shrieking and wailing in terror.
“If you’d all be so kind as to calm yourselves,” Princess Celestia went relatively unheard as she sat at the far end of a large, ornate conference table. She calmly lifted a china cup of coffee to her lips, breathing deeply as the scent wafted comfortably to her muzzle.
Nopony listened to her, of course. It only served to agitate her mild headache.
Today was going to be one of those days.

“I would greatly appreciate it would you all kindly calm down, and allow me to explain the situation.” Celestia said to no one, her voice lost in the multitude of shouts and panicked cries. Her face retained the same mask of serenity that she’d practiced to perfection for over a millennia, belying not a hint of the raging fury within.

“Do please take your seats. I will only ask for quiet once more.” Celestia never raised her voice, or even moved from her position. The only other pony that wasn’t running around the room screaming in fear ‘the horror, the HORROR!’ was the lone tan pegasus picking himself up unceremoniously from the floor, dusting his flank ashamedly. A single cracked diamond gleamed through the crowd as his Cutie Mark, but Celestia knew precisely who Brink Slipper was long before he was thrown violently through her meeting room doors.

The creature standing just behind him stared about the room in dim surprise; it shot a single dirty look at her before grinning wickedly and beginning to advance. This, of course, only caused the panic and din of the room’s inhabitants to grow louder.

“SILENCE!”

Ryan stopped midstride.
The raw, overwhelming force of the largest one’s voice almost bowled him over, and she looked like she barely used any effort. He noticed that it had grown so silent in the past two seconds that you could hear a pin drop.

Celestia quietly cleared her throat, small, serene smile never fading from her lips as she raised her china cup with her magic. “Now, why don’t we all sit back down and discuss things reasonably?”
“Why don’t you suck my DICK?”
Celestia’s cup cracked.
A collective gasp of surprise rippled through the standing ponies, and one or two of them fainted on the spot. They carefully backed away from the looming beast, edging towards the walls.

Jesus. Dramatic little thigh-high bastards.
“I don’t believe that kind of language is called for.” Celestia said calmly, giving him an even look. She looked, on the whole, completely unperturbed that Ryan had just crashed her meeting by throwing one of her subjects through the door.
Again, Celestia had a very good poker face.

“And I don’t believe in talkin’ horses, Mister Ed. So, how’s about we call it even, and you assholes take me offa whatever drug you’re obviously injectin’ me with?” Ryan rambled conversationally, taking a small seat at the opposite end of Celestia as he silently wished for his cigarettes back. He tried to make himself comfortable in the oddly shaped bucket seat, kicking his feet up on the table and grinning broadly at her. “Fuck, or at least give me some ta’ take back with me; you got any idea how much that shit goes for?”
Celestia blinked, setting her cracked cup down on her saucer very, very slowly. The atmosphere in the room was so thick that you could cut it with a knife.

“Mister… human, am I correct?” Celestia asked calmly, staring directly at him. Celestia’s ‘informant’ was late. Again. That only meant that something was bound to go wrong eventually, and she would be prepared. Her strangely flowing multi-hued mane was distracting Ryan, considering that all of the windows in the room were closed.
“Huh? Oh. ‘Sup.” Ryan cocked an eyebrow.
“… Yes. ‘Sup.” Celestia reiterated, deadpanning. “We were just discussing your particular case, which we would gladly continue; that is, should the rest of you prefer standing?” she asked, eyeing the standing (and frankly, terrified) ponies. Most of them simply remained still, but a couple here and there reluctantly reclaimed their seats.

“Thank you.” Celestia said calmly as ponies began seating themselves around the table, some flustered ones with manila folders and important looking papers. In effect, they looked like-
“Oh, shit, they’re bureaucrats.” Ryan seethed in disdain. He despised government officials, almost as much as he did authority figures. Taking in the sight, Ryan realized that whereas everyone (everypony?) had been properly seated, there were none left standing. Which was odd, because he’d taken the seat at the end, meaning somebody had to have been sitting there… right?
The squadron of guards that hurriedly stood at attention as Celestia gathered the ponies around the table stood by the door, watching fretfully as the human picked his teeth with a cracked and dirty fingernail. Brink Slipper, however, suddenly became very interested in the patterns of the linoleum. Much to Ryan’s pleasure, the yellowish-pegasus bastard that had called him ugly looked even more distraught than the one he’d kicked.

Kicked a goddamn pony. Whelp, that settles it. I am officially evil as fuck. Carlos would be proud.
“Your highness, this… beast and his accomplice attempted to escape.” Flash Sentry glowered at him before straightening up. The pony that called herself ‘Exie’ had lost her bow, and she stood flanked by two guards, one of which had a couple of lipstick smears on his armor. He looked… particularly embarrassed.
“Oh, yeah. ‘Sup, fuck-knuckle?” Ryan waved in a two fingered mock-salute without bothering to look at him. Sentry’s eyes narrowed dangerously, but he didn’t reply.
“So I see. Thank you for informing me, Flash Sentry.” Celestia said flatly, and Ryan could have sworn he caught a sliver of sarcasm in her tone. Sentry, on the other hand (hoof?) didn’t seem to catch on.

“Anything else?” Celestia asked slowly, awaiting the unavoidable. “Come now, I know somepony’s got something they want to chip in to delay progress even further.”
Nobody moved, not even Ryan. The large one that seemed to be in charge had an odd look in her eye, almost as if she were… expecting something.
“I’m only going to ask once more,” Celestia reiterated slowly, speaking to the empty air. “Nopony has anything else to add? No?”

One of the guards looked at Flash Sentry expectantly, who shrugged back at him.
Brink, however, had heard the stories. Brink had slowly begun inching backwards towards the wall.
“Very well.” Celestia said solemnly, gazing down the table at Ryan. “We shall convene by-“
The center of the table exploded violently upward, spewing hundreds of gallons of chocolate milk over the inhabitants of the table. Celestia was apparently the only one prepared, as a flash from the tip of her horn ensured that the majority of the brown wave flew harmlessly around her. Unfortunately for everyone else, chocolate milk tends to stick to ponies (and humans) quite well.

Blasting up in the middle of the screaming wave of chocolate (and shortly afterwards, blue wheelbarrows with hummingbird wings) was the strangest creature Ryan had ever seen. He wasn’t quite sure if it helped to pull him out of his shock, or drag him further into it; either way, he couldn’t stop staring at the freakish thing. An eagle’s talon, the slithering serpentine portions, mismatched wings – everything about the cackling draconequus screeched patchwork. Even his eyes, one iris clearly misshapen, seemed distinctly off.

Also, there was the fact that he was riding vertically on an upside down umbrella, using it as a surfboard.
”Wah-haha ha ha haaaaaaa!” Discord squealed in glee, backflipping through the air and landing gracefully atop the (now chocolate) gilded chandelier. “Sheogorath’s got nothing on this! HA!”

“Hullo, Discord.” Celestia sighed in defeat he descended gaily, promptly whipping an oversized, pompous, and silly looking red hat from behind his back and jamming it firmly atop his head. His antler and horn both ripped through it, and he grinned wildly as he propped himself up on two elbows directly in front of the princess while the rest of his body floated through the air.
“Ahp, ahp, ahp!” he chided cheerily. “I thought we discussed proper titles, Ti-ti?”

Despite the fact that she was stunned from sheer shock, half-terrified out of her wits, and partially coated in cold chocolate milk, Exie had to snicker at the mismatched creature’s nickname for the winged ruler.
“Enough games, vizier.”
“Aw, you didn’t even use the right one!” Discord pouted, leaping off the table with startling agility.
“… Clean up your mess, Discord.”
“Not until you call me by my new proper title.”

“No.”
“I like my new proper title.”
“No.”
“Pleeeeeeease?”

Celestia groaned inwardly, feeling her headache grow. After a few moments, she let out a long, exasperated breath through her nostrils.
“Please clean up your mess, Grand Vizier of Chaos and... Supreme Minister of... Silly Things.”
“Much better.” Discord cackled, snapping his talons together as a dim twinkle sparked between them. No sooner had he done so that the entire ordeal was resolved; no trace of his existence remained whatsoever, as if it had never even occurred.
Aside from the draconequus with a goofy smile standing next to Celestia, that is.

“… What the fuck.”
Suffice to say, Princess Luna was quite surprised to discover that some freakish alien creature had stolen her seat whilst she was away, finding solace in her short break from the awful noise that a whiny politician could make. Then again, everyone else was quite surprised when Luna loudly cursed.

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Brink waited miserably outside the door.
What was it with everypony and having him wait outside? Sometimes, he felt like they all treated him like he was some kind of dumb dog who’d rolled in something smelly.
That, and his flank was still sore. He rubbed it tenderly, wincing as he did so. It really wasn’t fair to him at all; just because that… thing didn’t have the right number of legs, that meant he got first and private audience with the princess. Just thinking about it made the familiar jealousy begin to boil back up within him again… at least, until he remembered precisely why he was in this position in the first place.

Maybe if he hadn’t been so jealous of everypony else advancing ahead of him, he wouldn’t have tried to rush the ‘human’ thing in vain pursuit of glory and respect. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
If he listened closely, Brink could almost make out the sound of the voices on the other side of the door.

He didn’t really like what he heard.

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“What do you mean, I can’t go home?”

Ryan blanched at the winged unicorn, pacing back and forth in front of her and her sister. The slowly spiraling draconequus twirling haphazardly around in the air above them was making him nervous. Long after the rest of the politically minded ponies vying for the princess’s favor had gone, Ryan remained in the room to await his awakening.
As he suspected, he did not ‘wake up’. Ryan proceeded to feel quite stupid.

Even the mare that he’d been temporarily imprisoned with stayed in the room, though for very different reasons. She reclined at the long white table, slowly swirling a small glass of chocolate milk and staring at its contents pensively.

“I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but there is simply no way for us to determine where you came from,” Celestia said solemnly, eying the beast warily as he stomped back and forth.
“How can you not have the power to return Ryan home?” Exie asked suddenly. Ryan cringed at her pronunciation of his name, the same as Celestia had done when he’d told her. Rye – Anne. He suddenly felt like kicking ponies again. “I mean, you move the sun. On a daily basis!”

Princess Celestia stared at the peach colored mare for a long moment, and Exie suddenly seemed to remember just who she was speaking to.
“Um… I-I mean…”
“It’s quite alright.” Celestia said with a soft, understanding smile. Much unlike her silent (and slightly miffed) younger sister, who merely mirrored the scowl Ryan wore. Luna didn’t seem to like him very much. “I never said I do not currently possess the capacity to do so; however, without an exact point to return him to, we may very well wind up leaving the… ‘human’ in a much worse position.”
Above, Discord was doing a mimicking impersonation of Ryan’s pace, stomping through the air in an exaggeratedly grumpy, ridiculous fashion.

“… ‘The fuck do you mean, move the sun?” Ryan asked incredulously, stopping his pacing. Discord did so simultaneously, slapping a bonnet atop his poofy red one and scowling down at them. “Shit, dude. I dropped outta school, but I’m smart ‘nough ta know that the world goes ‘round the sun.”
Luna’s eyes widened a little, and she scoffed for the first time since her vulgar outburst. “… Really? I thought that silly theory was disproved already.” She shook her head, noting the creature’s confusion.

“See?” Discord chimed in, and by this point he had collected a large number of assorted and ludicrous looking multicolored hats atop his head, all of which balanced precariously and threatened to topple at a moment’s notice. Discord seemed unbothered. “What did I tell you, Ti-Ti? Different universe, different basic fundamental laws of physics.”
“You are not turning this into another rant on Chaos Theory again, Discord.” Celestia said flatly, and his disappointment reverberated with his ridiculously drooping hats, all of which slumped over in a depressed manner without ever leaving his head.

“Bah. You never let me have any fun.”
“Can we please get to the issue at hand?” Celestia breathed with a hint of impatience. “This has gone on for long enough. There has been an attempted murder – in the center of Canterlot, no less – upon one of my subjects. A Royal Guard, at that.” Her eyes narrowed dangerously at Exie before shifting to Ryan, and he suddenly felt the urge to cower behind the chair at the far end of the table, away from the quadruped. Immediately afterwards, he silently berated himself for feeling any sort of fear. She was a horse. He could take her.

“Oh, is he still here?” Discord asked nonchalantly, sidling into a seat next to Exie and pulling a small water balloon out of thin air. From it, he proceeded to pour out yet another large wine glass full of chocolate milk. Exie watched in fascination as it silently filled from the wrong end, gathering downward instead of filling up. “I thought you demoted that guy.”
“Slipper is a… pending case, Discord.” Celestia said cautiously. The way the draconequus had slithered up next to one of her many subjects was a little unnerving, explaining the peach colored mare’s evident discomfort. There were times when Discord reminded her of a wily viper, waiting for the opportune moment to strike.

“So, are you going to banish him, maybe? You should let me dish out judgments more often, hmm?” Discord asked playfully, curling around until he was upside down in the chair. “Possibly imprisonment? Or imprisonment in the place you banish him to. I’ve heard that’s a particularly nasty-“
“May haps my sister considers reinstating your original punishment,” Luna chipped in dryly, glaring at Discord with barely concealed contempt. "Maybe you would prefer to insist upon that one?"

Much to Exie’s displeasure, the entire room went cold. Even a couple of snowflakes began dropping softly from the ceiling. Discord froze in place next to her, and he kept a blank expression even though his voice changed so starkly.
“Maybe I don’t seal ponies in stone.” He spat venomously, coiling up beneath himself.

The tone in the strange being’s voice resonated with bitterness, which Ryan promptly noticed. One of his misshapen eyes had begun to develop a slight twitch.

“… That was a long time ago, Discord.”
Celestia spoke quietly, but it was evident that she was straining to keep her serene expression. Instead, Exie thought to herself that she merely looked… empty.
“Time heals all wounds, and all that!” the draconequus promptly spouted with a mad grin, springing once more into the air. The chair quickly followed him, waddling up invisible steps to place itself beneath him. “So, on to topic!” he clapped his ‘hands’ together with sudden eagerness, staring down at Ryan and the earth pony.

“Aye.” Luna nodded unenthusiastically, agreeing with Discord. “The law is still binding – regardless of circumstance, any and all acts of violence against an innocent must be punished forthwith.”
For a moment, Celestia’s expressionless mask dropped, and Exie could have sworn she saw a sliver of unhappiness lining her face. Just like that, it was gone; she looked precisely the same as ever. Albeit, slightly more focused.

However, Exie was a bit more concerned on finally clearing her name.

“Er… I… don’t mean to interrupt, um, your… highness…?” Exie began cautiously. She’d never actually had the opportunity to speak to royalty before, let alone the princess herself. Exie cleared her throat, nervously tugging at her black leg warmers. “Um, just… just so we’re clear, I-I am free to go, right?”
Much to Exie’s displeasure, Celestia replied quickly.

“Absolutely not.”
“What?” she screeched, before flattening her ears against her head. “But… but…!”
“As of yet, the only reports we have are from Brink Slipper indicating an attempted murder in a dark room, and one witness testimonial.” Celestia said quietly, eyes flickering over to Ryan.
“… Oh, you have got to be joking.” Exie deadpanned, glaring at the human.

“… What?” Ryan shrugged innocently. “It’s not my fault you tried to kill that poor guy, and blame it on little old me.”
Exie stared openmouthed at his outright falsehood, sputtering in her anger.
“I – you – I mean – b-but – he’s so obviously lying!” she seethed, crossing her hooves across her pale honey colored chest in frustration. Surely Celestia or Luna could see that he couldn’t be trusted?
“That’s an awfully bold statement to make,” Discord chimed in with a leer. “Especially for somepony that just attempted murder – now you’re making up false testimonies. One thing after another. Tsk, tsk, tsk.” He tutted, waggling a talon at her.

“But-but I… I didn’t…! I would never...!” Exie pleaded, almost in tears. How could she be on the receiving end of this? She was an innocent!

For a single, fleeting instant, Ryan felt a very small, awkward pang in his chest at seeing the poor mare this close to weeping. And, for a moment, one could have easily compared it to something like guilt. However, it vanished faster than a stack of unguarded bottle caps in an untended and open vault.

“Your own case is considered equally valid, until further evidence comes to light.” Luna quietly reassured the panicked pony, nodding in her direction. “However, as of yet, we have only your own word, and… this thing’s claim of innocence.”
“What about that one guy with the snappy-neck?” Ryan interjected. “He didn’t have anything ta’ say before she tried to kill him?”
“I AM BUCKING INNOCENT!” Exie yelled across the table suddenly, hurling the glass of chocolate milk at him. He cackled as it flew over his head, shattering against the plastered wall.
“See? See?” Ryan jabbed a thumb at her. “She's dangerous - unstable! She’s got issues. She’s totally a killer – snaps just. Like. That.” He snapped his fingers together for emphasis, trying to hide his grin. “Probably a serial killer. You assholes should be thanking me fer repredentin’ a public menace.”

Celestia paused, lost in thought. “I… believe the word you are searching for is ‘reprimanded’.”
“Yeah. Yeah, that too.”
Celestia, no matter how much Ryan wished it were true, was no idiot. That, and somehow, whenever she stared at him Ryan felt a little shiver begin to crawl up his spine. It was almost as if she knew he were lying, and was just toying with him. It made him feel stupid. It made him feel weak.

And that was unacceptable.
Discord cleared his throat loudly, waving at them from the chandelier.
“I’m all for watching Days of Your Lives for the next five hours while you all wail dramatically and all,” Discord grumbled as he tapped a shining, oversized watch that had suddenly appeared on his wrist. “But if it’s all the same to you, can we wrap this up quickly? I’ve got an appointment in, like, five minutes.”

Luna seemed angry at first, but it changed to thorough confusion once she realized that Discord wasn’t jesting.
“… What could you possibly be doing that is more important than the royal court?” Luna glared at him.
“Oh, p-shaw.” He waved her off, hanging from the chandelier with his tail as it slowly began turning into licorice. “Like your little get together was anything important.”
“Important enough to concern the fate of a potential murderer.” The princess of the night deadpanned.

The draconequus chortled, as if he were in on a joke that nobody else could understand. “Oh, you.”
“Very well, vizier.” Celestia said without looking at him. She ruffled her wings uncomfortably, shifting in her position. “I sincerely doubted that we were to make any progress this day as it were.”
“Because your ‘politicians’ are idiots?”
She snorted, masking it with a cough. “Begone, Discord. Just make sure you’re back before sundown.”
He groaned, dropping from the ceiling. “Fine, mom.” Discord grunted, snapping his talons together. He vanished instantaneously, leaving a smell of singed cotton candy in the air.

Luna stared in disbelief at her sister.
“… Just… just like that?” she gaped.
“He’s out of my mane for five minutes.” Celestia suddenly slumped forward, rubbing her aching temples. “As far as I’m concerned, he can’t cause too much chaos in that kind of timespan around Fluttershy.”
“Tia, this is Discord we’re-“
“I know, Lulu. I know.”

Exie and Ryan watched the pair of siblings converse with mild fascination. Well, Exie did. Ryan had been (not very) stealthily stealing leftover paperclips and slipping them into his pockets.
“… So…” Exie began anxiously.
“The matter shall be resolved shortly.” Celestia said with a small smile. “Brink Slipper?” she called out unexpectedly. “I know you’re listening. I have a task for you.”
Clank!

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“Brink Slipper?” the princess spoke loudly through the door. “I know you’re listening. I have a task for you.”

Brink nearly leapt out of his armor, clanging away from the door guiltily. After a moment to collect himself, he pushed the door open grudgingly and stood at attention.
“Brink Slipper, Thirteenth Battalion, reporting for duty sir!”
The tan pegasus with the bright orange short mane almost fell over himself in his fervor, quickly correcting himself as he did so.
“I mean, ma’am! Sir – your highness! I mean… ma’am!” Brink stuttered, one gauntleted hoof flying up to his head in salute. His hoof slapped against his head painfully before he remembered that he’d lost his helmet in the ruckus. The clunk sounded unbearably loud, even to himself. Brink’s face alit in shame at his substandard performance, and he tried not to sweat nervously beneath his slightly dingy armor.

This was it.
This was the part where she handed out his punishment, like a looming and stern mother… with the power to move the sun. He did his best to listen, but his own crushing defeat felt like it was bearing down on his ears.
This was the part where he was going to be imprisoned. Or maybe a life of hard labor would be his destiny. Knowing his awful luck though, Brink was most likely to be exiled from Equestria forever, just like his father. They would probably-

“I’m sorry, you want me to what?”

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“This be some straight-up bullshit!”
Ryan rattled the cell’s long metal bars angrily, but the iron portal refused to grant him leave.
“Oh, calm down. I can let you out, first thing in the morning,” Brink said casually, kicking back in one of the oddly-shaped wooden bucket seats as he rested two legs on the small foldable table before him. The pegasus sat on watch directly in front of the ‘guests’, observing them intently.

She’d given him another chance to prove himself.
And she’d done so by giving him a remarkably simple and easy job. Just one job. Not a punishment, not a slew of tasks; just one job. And he would do it well.
Celestia had made Brink Slipper a temporary jailor.

He whistled unconcernedly as he whirled the small ring with a single key around the tip of his wing, nearly dropping it several times.
“Bullshit! Bull – shit!” Ryan cursed vehemently, shaking the bars in the hopes that he could free one in order to bludgeon the pegasus. Even though he still wasn’t as smug as the other one with the blue hair. Mane. Whatever. It was only a matter of time before the ponies came back to drag him off to be experimented on, dissected and bottled. Or caged.

Already caged... he thought grimly.

“What did I even do?” Exie asked miserably from her cot, as much to herself as it was to anyone else. “Where did I go wrong…?”
“Who knows?” Brink relaxed in his seat, making himself comfortable. “It could have been when you tried to kill me.”
“But that wasn’t me!” Exie sat up defensively, ready to present her defense in the meager hope that she’d be freed if she could convince the pegasus to side with her. Then again…

“Do you have any proof?” Brink cocked an eyebrow, glancing back and forth between the pony and the freakishly tall thing. Of course, Brink Slipper had no doubts whatsoever that it was probably the ‘human’ thing that had attempted to take his life. But, from his position, all he saw was an additional prisoner. And twice the number of prisoners meant twice the number of responsibilities, and twice the number of responsibilities that he could handle was twice as much as he needed to prove that he was indeed a capable and reliable guard.

In short, Brink was being an unreasonable jackass in order to get good standing with the princess.

“Yeah, fuck nut!” Ryan stared at Exie as he collapsed onto his own cot across from hers. “Where’s your proof?”
“This isn’t fair,” Exie sobbed into her hooves, and the odd guilty feeling in Ryan’s chest crawled back. “I-I’ve never gone to prison in my entire life!”
“... Ah, it ain’t so bad.” Ryan said quickly as he leaned back against the cold stone walls, his long legs extending to the floor with ease. “So long as ya’ ‘member to keep a good shank close, y’ain’t even gotta worry ‘bout droppin’ the soap.”

Both of the ponies stared hard at him.
“… What?” he asked, confused. “Shit, y’all look at me like y’ain’t gotta worry ‘bout prison rape.”
“… Please put me in a different cell.” Exie said suddenly.
“Bitch, I wouldn’t fuck you with a ten foot pole.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” the earth pony snapped at him, drying away any tears she had left. She wouldn’t let this… this… brute get the best of her. “At least I’m not hideous!”
“I never said y’weren’t pretty. I’m sayin’ I’d lose the pole.”

“Oh, fuck y-“ she stopped herself, studying him. “… You think I’m pretty?”
“That ain’t what I meant!” Ryan crossed his arms in an agitated ‘X’ in front of himself. “I don’t go fuckin’ wit’ your type.”

“Hm. Well, I guess you’re in luck, guard-colt.” Exie said slyly as she snuck a peek at their pegasus guardian, who was reclining in a way that resembled someone eagerly awaiting free entertainment. Brink jumped a little at her noticing him, and he rearranged his armor in an attempt to look professional.

“I’m, uh... sorry, mister… ‘human’. But you really aren’t my type.” Brink confessed awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck with his foreleg.
“Fuck you. Fuck all of you lil’ thigh-highs.”

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“So, use yer feminine wiles to trick the dumb bastard into givin’ you the keys.”
“I’m still here, you know,” Brink announced, bored. One unfortunate downside to being stuck as their jailor for the night; that meant he was expected to keep watch all night. And they didn’t have too many pleasant things to say about him. Some of the 'escape' plans Ryan had strangely decided to announce quite loudly were all ridiculous, each one dumber than the last. One of them even involved a cake and file.

“For the umpteenth time, I am not some kind of… of…!” Exie countered, her frustration with the ape at an all-time high. She sat with her legs tucked beneath her, and stared in mixed enthrallment and mild revulsion as the ‘thing’ attempted to mimic her. Ryan crossed his long legs and folded them beneath himself the wrong way, bending them up into something he called ‘Indian Style’. It looked downright bizarre.

“Skank?” Ryan offered helpfully. “Ho? Bitch? Hey, Snappy.” Ryan flipped off Brink, garnering his attention. “The perp wants ta’ blow you. So, how’s about you open up that door, eh?” he asked in what was quite possibly the most pitiful attempt at subterfuge either of the ponies had ever seen.

“… You’re joking, right?” Brink deadpanned, shifting in his seat. It was getting difficult to keep his eyes open. This was what happened when daytime guards were promptly transferred to the night shifts.
Which wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t gone and gotten yourself demoted, he thought bitterly.
“Nah, man.” Ryan flapped his hand at the impromptu jailor informally. “This bitch loves them guard-sy tpyes. Chicks dig uniforms.”
“You know what?” Exie snapped. “Forget the key. Just slip something really,really sharp through the bars for me, and I’ll take care of the rest.”

Of course, her statement didn’t do much to help her position. In her defense, Ryan Miller was an unbearable asshole.
“You’re an unbearable asshole.” Ryan stated to the earth pony bluntly, crossing his arms as he tried to make himself comfortable on the cot.
Exie seethed in frustration, thinking furiously. At this point, she was seriously considering facing whatever judgment would come for smothering the bastard in his sleep. She shook her head viciously, forcing herself to remain calm.

She didn’t know how he managed to do it.
Maybe it was just the way he looked, or the odd accent he used when he spoke. Perhaps it was the way he stood, or his behavior in general. Nopony else she’d ever known managed to get under her skin and annoy her quite like this… thing.
“I swear, I am going to kick you from here to Tartarus if you don’t shut up.” Exie glared into his beady, mean black eyes as he spread out as well as he could on his cot, preparing to sleep. Much to her surprise, his eyes flickered toward their pegasus guard, desperately trying not to nod off.

And then he winked.
She almost missed it.
A quick, almost imperceptible and silent wink, but she caught it. He was indicating that she should follow his lead.

Pondering, Exie stated slowly “... Hey, guard-colt. I’m going to sleep, so make sure I don’t get stabbed, okay?”
Brink twitched, sagging eyes creaking open. “I have a name, you know.” He scowled, trying his best to stay awake. They got nice, comfortable beds. Well, cots. But, still. It wasn't fair that he got stuck with an uncomfortable chair. Then again, if he shifted just right, he could relax in it pretty easily.

“That’s great, guard-colt.” Exie mumbled distractedly, but loud enough for him to hear. She curled into a more comfortable position and deliberately slowed her breathing, listening intently. If Brink Slipper had been paying attention, he’d have noticed that her ears had gone almost completely straight in her excitement.

All she had to do was wait.

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One thing that nopony warned Exie about their jailor.
Brink snored.
Brink snored a lot.

The rattling, breathy grinding of his snores grated against her sensitive ears, and it took all of her resolve not to grit her teeth. She stared up at the ceiling without seeing it, trying to lose herself in thought. It was difficult, considering the fact that the pegasus was almost grunting in his sleep. After a certain amount of time, the lights above them slowly began to dim, leaving them all in the dark.

If it hadn’t been for the horrendous racket, she might have considered him a little cute.
Their guard had an angular, almost feminine jaw, curving upwards into a lithely muscled feature. The slightly dinged and dingy armor made him look a little silly, in retrospect. It was a little too unfitting, and shuffled when he breathed. Brink reminded her of a little foal dressing up in clothes too large for him. A small grin tugged at her lips from the thought, picturing him as an innocent colt.

The smile slowly faded from her lips.
Innocence was a funny thing. Exie’s heart pinched as she wished she still had it herself.
... Maybe I never had innocence at all.
It was quiet for what seemed like forever. Beneath Brink’s hefty snores, she could hear the sound of her own heartbeat pumping in anticipation.

“… Psst.”
“Hmm?” Exie started, careful to keep her voice no more than a whisper. Then again, she probably could have shouted and still not had to worry about waking the guard.
“He’s good’n out. Time ta’ make our move.” Ryan sat up straight, peeling off his worn black shirt.

“… What-what are you doing?” Exie asked sharply, heat beginning to rise in her face. “I thought you were joking about prison ra-“
“No, ya’ dumb fuck!” Ryan hissed, hushing her. He knelt and crept over to her cot, pushing the shirt at her. At first, the one word he spoke seemed to bounce off of her ears, like she hadn’t actually heard it due to its preposterous nature.

“… I’m sorry, you want me to what?”
“I said, piss!” Ryan fumed quietly, gesturing at his shirt. Exie’s face flushed even more deeply as the heat burned against her cheeks.
“… Sorry, but getting freaky is going to cost you extra.”
Ryan swore loudly, throwing his hands up in exasperation. He facepalmed at the noise he’d just made, quickly checking to make sure that the tan pegasus was still snoring soundly. Silently, Ryan tossed the shirt into the corner of the cell, and unzipped his pants.

“… Oh, ew.”
Exie sidled backwards against the stone wall as the human urinated on his own clothing. “That is disgusting!” she said, revolted.
“Hey, fuck you.” Ryan flipped her the bird, finishing up and re-zipping his pants slowly. “There ain’t no toilet in here.”
“Couldn’t you have held it?”
“I meant, ta’ get it wet!” Ryan groaned, picking up his shirt. Exie cringed in repugnance as he began to wring out the now-foul smelling cloth. It was just plain nasty.

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ. How else d’ya’ think we’re supposed to break out?”
Exie’s head tilted in confusion as he slid past her, making for the iron bars. Just what was he planning?
“Break out?” she shot back in a loud whisper. “He said they’d let us out in the morning!”
“Yeah.” Ryan nodded, beginning to wrap the wet cloth around the iron bars and positioning it carefully. “So’s they can sentence us. Don’tcha get it?” he inquired, wrapping the shirt in a single large knot around a couple of the bars and tightening it. In the dark, Exie could almost make out the outline of something on his back, but she couldn’t tell what it was.

“Get what?”
“They can’t figure out which one of us is innocent, so they’re gonna give us both the same sentence. It don’t matter what – hnng! – either one of us says, anyways. They ain’t gonna jus’ let us go.” Ryan grunted pessimistically as he twisted the cloth. Exie watched in mild disgust and incredulity as the human displayed a remarkable strength hidden within his appendages, and the iron bars…
… slowly began to bend.

Ryan applied as much pressure as he could to the wet cloth, pulling and heaving quietly at the middle of the iron bars to bend them. The tighter he twisted the cloth, the more the bars bent.
… That is bucking ingenious. Exie stared, dumbfounded. Of course, what he said about them both being punished couldn’t possibly be true… could it?
Ryan panted heavily tossing the filthy rag back into the corner and wiping his hands on his jeans. The space between the bars had grown enough to allow someone very small to slip through.

“There.” Ryan wiped a bead of sweat from his brow with the crook of his elbow, backing away from the door. “Now, get out of here.”
“… I’m sorry, what?” Exie blinked, standing. She felt stupid – it was as if her brain had simply refused to respond after the human began bending iron bars. Maybe spending too much time around the gorilla was causing her own mind to break down.
“Get out while you still can!” Ryan repeated, pointing toward the pony-sized exit. “Look, kid,” he explained. “I prolly’ deserve whatever they’re gonna throw at me. If ya’ run now, you can get a pretty good head start. Get out of here while you can, y’know?”

Exie, baffled by his almost complete turnaround, took her opportunity to slip through the bars and wriggling her way out. Ryan gave her flank a small push when she struggled to get through, and she let out a quiet eep!
The mare fell to the floor, freezing in terror. However, the guard snored on. From her position on the floor, she could see a glint hanging from Brink’s chest plate.
“Whadd’re you waitin’ for?” Ryan whispered angrily. “Don’t just lay there, ya’ fuckin’ idiot! Run, before these psychos decide to chop you up and stick you in a jar, too!”

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Ryan became as equally dumbfounded as Exie had been when the door swung slowly open, and Exie spat out the key ring she’d snagged with her teeth from the unsuspecting guard.
The human stared down at her, and Exie smoothed her red mane back.
“… Why?” he breathed, towering over her in befuddlement.

“Later!” Exie hissed back, her heartbeat jumping into her throat as their pegasus guard began to stir. “Come on, let’s get out of here!” She hadn't felt excitement like this in a long time.
Ryan grinned at his sudden change in luck. Maybe he wouldn’t be executed and dissected by alien ponies today, after all.

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Brink slipper awoke sometime in the middle of the night, the sound of flap flop flap flop flap pulling him gently out of his slumber. Sleepily, he dragged his eyelids open and groggily noted the empty cot before him. The nice, soft empty cot.

He wasn’t certain how long he slept, but sleeping in armor made it very uncomfortable. He awoke in a rather pleasant mood, however. Brink stretched lazily on the warm cot as the automatic lighting began to warm up in lieu of the new day.

Oddly enough, he could have sworn he smelled urine. Ah, no matter. He was certain that he was only imagining it. It could be easily ignored, so long as he could go back to blissful sleep. After all, any decent guard needed plenty of sleep in order to-
“You had one job, Brink Slipper.” His eyes shot open in horror and disbelief as he whirled around, desperately trying to figure out why he was asleep on one of the prisoner’s cots. And why there weren’t any prisoners. Also, why Guard Captain Shining Armor stood furiously in the doorway, holding aloft Brink’s battered helmet.

“One – job!”

Because the Author's Notes won't let me post links.

Author's Note

Seriously, if you guys haven't read ImJustAnotherBrony's Manehattan Mare yet, go do that.
Right nao.