Derpy's One-Shot Adventure

by Akasuna no Sasori

Rating: everyone
Tags: Other, Comedy, Random, Derpy Hooves, Tragedy, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1322

On her way home, Derpy discovers a treasure of unimaginable proportions. It's a plastic bag from Wal-Mart.

I just thought of this a while ago, and I decided to write it for fun. I want you to judge this masterpiece the way it deserves to. When it is read, I'm sure you will know what way that is.

On her way home from work, Derpy finds a Wal-Mart bag and embarks on a noble quest to discover what it's made of.

Published 2013-07-06 00:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-06 00:40:01 UTC

One Rainy Afternoon

It was a cloudy day in Ponyville. Rain was on it’s way, so the ponies were scurrying home from the market and work.

In their rush, they failed to see the plastic Wal-Mart bag being pushed around the street by the wind. No pony payed any attention to it, because, after all, it was a just a plastic bag.

One particular pony, Derpy the mail mare, was also on her way home. Despite being a pegasus, she didn’t live in Cloudsdale; choosing to live with the Earth Ponies and Unicorns of simple Ponyville.

She walked along the street at a very slow pace, unlike the other ponies. She didn’t want to run home, she loved the rain and hoped to be caught in it when it began to pour.

Also unlike the other ponies, Derpy noticed the plastic Wal-Mart bag. She walked over to investigate what it was; being as she had never seen a bag like that one before.

She sniffed it all over, pushed it around, and even licked it once. Despite her thorough research into the strange object, she couldn’t figure out what it was beyond being a bag of some sort.

Curious as she was, she decided to sit down and stare intently at the bag until she could fully figure out what it was. She had seen bags before, but this material was new to her.

Hours passed, and all of the ponies had left the street, except for her and the plastic Wal-Mart bag.

The rain had begun to pour; soaking the street, Derpy, and the plastic Wal-Mart bag.

Derpy could only speak a limited number of words, and read and even fewer amount, but she could read this text. Despite that, she still couldn't figure out what a ‘Wal-Mart’ even was.

Finally, she assumed it was some kind of store, since the stores around Ponyville always put their stores names on their bags!

But the material was so weak-feeling. It just didn’t seem like it could hold together well under weight. To test this theory, Derpy picked up some nearby rocks and put them in the bag. She picked it up and started walking around with it; noticing the bag wasn’t breaking!

To her, this meant it had to be a bag, even though it would’ve been clear to anyone or any pony else in the first place. But Derpy was special, and needed time to figure some things out.

Still, it didn’t help her understand the material of the bag. She licked it again; even biting off a small part of the handle, chewing it thoroughly, and swallowing it. To her, it just tasted awful, and she decided not to eat any more of it.

A few more hours passed, and Derpy got an idea. She picked up the bag and took it back to her house.

She took it into her kitchen where she covered it in flour, sugar, and eggs, put it into a pan, and put into the oven. She set the oven to cook it on 1,100 degrees for 30 seconds and waited. When it was done, she pulled out the amalgamation of cooking ingredients and plastic.

She got a spoon, and dug into the mess. She put a small piece of it in her mouth, but spit it out quickly; forgetting it just came out of the oven.

She sat waiting for it to cool off, then tried to eat it again. As with before, she spit it out because it tasted awful, unlike a blueberry muffin.

Derpy pulled the bag out of the blob, and found it looked as good as it did before it went into the oven.

She paced the room, occasionally looking at the bag on the table. At last, she thought of two more ideas. One was risky, but she had to try it.

She decided to take the bag to Twilight and let her experiment with it.

When she left her house, the rain had stopped, but the sky was cloudy.

She flew as quickly as she could, and arrive in just a few minutes.

She knocked on Twilight’s door until she answered, and showed her the bag. Twilight was interested, and agreed to help her.

Twilight took the bag and went to her lab set in the back of the library. Derpy followed her; bumping into every bookshelf along the way and knocking over her reading table.

Twilight looked distraught at the chaotic sight, but sighed deeply and ignored it for the time being. She took a small piece of the handle Derpy hadn’t bitten off, and dropped it into a vial. Next, she filled a the vial with a clear liquid that dissolved the plastic sample into it. Then she placed the vial onto a bunsen burner and let it cook for a few minutes.

When it was done, she took the now-warm vial and dumped the contents into one side of her alembic. The other side had a dark green liquid in it that Twilight tilted over so the liquids could mix.

The color changed into a light yellow color, then faded to a clear color.

Derpy looked hopeful, but Twilight shook her head. She told Derpy the material couldn’t be identified, and gave the bag back to her.

Derpy left the house sulking. When she walked outside, she noticed the rain had started up again. It was perfect for the way she was feeling at that moment.

Derpy started walking home again as slowly as she could. The rain helped cheer her up. At least one thing had gone right: she got caught in the rain just like she wanted to.

She took a longer way to get home in order to soak in the rain some more. While she was walking, she looked at the bag in her hand and wondered if there was a way to figure out what it really was.

She walked past a family of ducks crossing the wet street and picked up one of the baby ducklings. She snuggled her face into it, until the mother clamped her bill down on Derpy’s leg, making her scream and drop the duckling. The mother caught her baby on her back, and walked back to her other children.

Derpy sulked even more, and continued walking in silence. It took her almost an hour to walk from Twilight’s home to her own; a trip that usually would’ve taken a few minutes. Her depression over something as simple as a Wal-Mart bag was heavy. But to her, this bag was magical.

As she walked into her home, she realized something. She hadn’t tried her second plan from earlier! This could be what she had been looking for!

Derpy stuck her head into the bag, and looked around. It was fun being inside the bag, but it still didn’t help anything, so she decided to take the bag off her head. That’s when she realized she couldn't’! Her hooves couldn’t pull the bag off because the handles had been broken from her biting one, and Twilight taking a piece of the other one!

She struggled to get the bag off, but just couldn’t do it. Eventually, her struggling started to slow down before eventually stopping altogether. Derpy had run out of air and died inside the Wal-Mart bag.

When she was dead, the smiley face’s eyes on the Wal-Mart bag began to blink. They looked at the dead pony inside the bag, and then the mouth began to laugh.

The smiley face pulled a notepad out from behind its’ face, and crossed ‘Kill a pony in Equestria’ off a list.

The smiley face’s eyes began to glow red, and a portal opened. The bag wriggled off of Derpy’s corpse, and jumped into the portal. It closed behind the bag, leaving Derpy dead on the floor and no trace the bag had ever been in Ponyville.