The Human Side of Things

by Gylden Glor

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Human
Length: 36340

Peter Kempachi-Ramasama, born and raised in Brooklyn, New York, gets the once in a lifetime chance to visit an alternate universe.

Peter Kempachi-Ramasama, born and raised in Brooklyn, New York, gets the, quite literally, once in a lifetime chance to visit an alternate universe.
He takes it, and ends up in the Everfree Forest - the one place in Equestria that has ties to external universes.
And he effectively tears the canon of the show apart by being the Seventh Element of Harmony: uh...um...Jerk? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Warning: naughty language.

Published 2013-07-06 22:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-03 19:02:37 UTC

Arrival

"All you have to do...is open the door."

I lean over, the leather seat letting out cries of protest as I scrutinize the door behind the man's desk. I cast a quick glance at him, taking note of his red tie and black suit, as well as his trimmed hair, carefully clipped fingernails, and placid expression. He seems sincere enough, and the wooden door behind him does give off a feeling of...mystique.

I purse my lips as I settle back into the chair, staring down at my lap and the coin that I'm fiddling with. It seems to catch the dim light in the office as I turn it, gleaming with malevolent beneficence.

This coin is the coin I was holding when I died.

My name is Peter Alias. Throughout my entire life, I've felt that something has always been...off; that there was something wrong with the universe. Of course...I never would have suspected that it was true.

Recently, the universe I reside within has been falling apart - becoming unstable. Bit by bit, things are happening that shouldn't be possible - streets are crumbling and rebuilding; people are moving from one side of the planet to the other; even my dog was transported to my living room to...well, as far as the carbon scan could tell, somewhere near Mars' second ring - a remnant from the moon's collision with the red planets' surface.

I died during one of these fluctuations. I had been studying them, and according to data, they were caused by this universe and the one adjacent to it simply flowing through each other. The reason as to why they didn't fall apart is because they're the same universe - just at different times. One is at the year 2058 - the universe I was born in - and the other is in the year...well, we haven't quite figured that out yet, given the fact that the earths' orbit has been altered in that universe so severely that time isn't recorded by years anymore. The only reason we can actually study that planet is because, when both are in existence, their orbits are so different that they never so much as brush by each other.

It was during one of these overlapping fluctuations that I met my end. It was the longest fluctuation yet - it had been going on for about a half a year, with both Earths existing in the same solar system. Unfortunately, they have also had spacial fluctuations, so when something disappeared from their planet, I received it.

The thing I received was a coin. It seemed to be a penny.

However, that was not all the universe had in store for me. Another fluctuation occurred, and, well...

Well, let's just say I was the none-too-lucky recipient of a pocket of very volatile, very spontaneous gas. I don't know what gas it was, but I know it detonated upon contact with oxygen.

As I was sent flying through the air by the combustion, both of my legs torn off and a hole rented through my chest, I found myself in a different sort of fluctuation. The fluctuation I was caught in was the first of its kind - it displaced my body outside of both universes, left to float in the eternal nothing.

At least, that's what I thought would happen.

When I opened my eyes, I wasn't dead. I had all my limbs. My organs weren't spilling out of the hole in my abdominal region and chest. And I most certainly was not in a regular office.

The man sitting before me appeared to be human. At least, as far as I could tell. He nodded to me, and began to explain.

While I may have died in that universe, I had been expelled from both by a fluctuation of pure chance, as I already explained. Due to that, I was immediately placed into the universe between universes - a place the man calls the Waiting Room. He claimed that its appearance differs between species, universes, and even individuals. And then he told me what came next.

"You can either die, and embrace the void of nothingness - never feeling, never even existing again - or you could go to a completely random universe. I have no control over where you will be sent. I have no control over when. And I have no control over whether or not you will survive. The only thing I can promise is that you will remain within your own body." I nod for him to continue.

"All you have to do...is open the door."

I lean over, the leather seat letting out cries of protest as I scrutinize the door behind the man's desk. I cast a quick glance at him, taking note of his red tie and black suit, as well as his trimmed hair, carefully clipped fingernails, and placid expression. He seems sincere enough, and the wooden door behind him does give off a feeling of...mystique.

I purse my lips as I settle back into the chair, staring down at my lap and the coin that I'm fiddling with. It seems to catch the dim light in the office as I turn it, gleaming with malevolent beneficence.

This coin is the coin I was holding when I died.

I nod to myself before placing the coin on the man's desk and standing upright.

"Thank you," I announce, extending a hand towards him. He accepts it in a short shake, and I give him a curt smile and a nod as I quickly make my way over to the door, and slowly pry it open.

Before I step through, I turn back to say one last thing to the man.

Unfortunately, he's gone. I blink in surprise, and as I do, the room disappears as well.

Everything goes white.

And as my eyes are forced to close, everything goes black.

Meanwhile...

Pinkie Pie hops around, humming giddily as she prepares a cake.

A new pony is coming to Ponyville! If only she knew who, then she could prepare a party at their new home. Unfortunately, she has no idea where they will be living.

Yet.

After a quick touch of whipped cream - because everypony loves whipped cream! - on the cake, she stops dead.

Knee twitch...

Eye flutter...

Tail yank...

FLAPPING EARS!?

Pinkie Pie's eyes widen as she realizes what this means.

With a poof of a cloud of cotton candy, she disappears.

Princess Celestia smiles as her student takes the chariot to Ponyville. She's so proud of -

POOF

With a puff of cotton candy, a pink pony appears before the princess, her eyes wide and her tail wagging. The regal alicorn pulls back with a cry of surprise and trips over a step, causing her to tumble to the ground in pain and confusion.

"Hi Princess!" Pinkie Pie chirps, hopping onto her incredibly soft tummy. The Princess simply blinks, her eyes shrinking to pinpricks and her mouth hanging open as she struggles to comprehend what the fuck is going on. "I know you don't know me yet! My name is Pinkie Pie, I'm the Element of Laughter! Oops, you weren't supposed to know that yet!~ Anyway, somepony from another universe just arrived in the Everfree Forest, and Fluttershy is going to find them and bring them back to their cottage and make sure they're okay! Just thought you might wanna know!"

Celestia blinks, her heart hammering in her chest. She opens her mouth to reply, or perhaps call for her guards, but before she can, the pink pony lets out a ridiculously loud gasp.

"Ohmygosh I've gotta go sorry Princess no time to chat BYE!" With that, the pink pony turns into a cloud of confetti.

As Celestia brings herself up to her hooves, (after a moment of shaking in petrified shock,) she looks around at her equally shocked guards. "Why the hell didn't you do anything!?" She demands, her wavering voice giving away her shaken demeanor.

"I...uh..." One of the guards bravely stammers. Celestia sighs as she waves a hoof towards all of them.

"Nevermind, none of us expected it to happen...don't bother filing a report on this or anything, just forget it ever happened."

The guards salute the Princess with a chant of "yes, Princess!" Celestia sighs as she turns to return to her chambers.

"I need a drink," she mutters to herself as she forcefully kicks the doors closed.

Friendship is Magic: Part 1

My eyes open and I see that I'm on a set of stairs.

I begin to descend, giving way to reckless abandon as I decide to keep an open mind.

The stairs chime underneath my feet, and I watch as the celestial patterns in each step reverberates with the contact. It makes a pleasant sound.

I reach the bottom of the stairs, and there's another door. I open it without hesitation, and step through, allowing the light to absorb my body.

When I open my eyes again, I see that I'm in a dense forest. I frown as I try to see past the fine mist settling around the area.

I take a single step forward, and feel a searing pain in my leg. I let out a cry of pain, and pull back my foot in a jerk of instinct. Blood leaks from the wound, and I stare at the rather large, blood-covered spike on the ground.

"That's odd...," I mutter to myself. "Who would have.......put........that.........

"There............."

The world goes black as I collapse.

I open my eyes for a third time. Huh...I think I'm starting to notice a pattern here...

Struggling to sit up results in spots floating in my vision. I let out a puff of shocked air as I fall back onto whatever the ground...

Wait, this isn't ground...

It's...it's soft...

It's a bed...

I look around, and realize that I'm in a cottage of some sort. As I observe my surroundings, I hear the frenzied fall of what seems to be hooves upon wood.

"Oh, you're awake!" I hear a feminine voice announce. I turn to my head to see the source, but there's too much pain lacing through my nervous system.

"What...?" I manage to croak. "What did you do to me?"

"Oh, I didn't do anything to you...please, believe me, if you don't mind...the thorn you stepped on was part of a plant...it injected neurotoxins into your system...it would have killed you if you were a pony...it was part of a carnivorous plant..."

I take a labored breath, and I hear the hooves approaching. A moment later, I see what seems to be the face of a pony hovering above my eyes. She seems to be...human, to a fault. That is, it doesn't look like the face of an animal, but of an individual.

I feel a glass of water being pressed to my lips, and I smile gratefully as she gently tilts my head so I can take a sip. "Thank you," I whisper.

"Oh, please, don't thank me," she pleads. "It's just my job to look after endangered species...I've never seen an animal like you, so I know that you must be endangered..."

"I'm not from around here," I respond with a slight smile. "My species don't tend to hang around this part of reality..."

"Oh, you call the world reality? That's an interesting form of cultural belief..."

I frown as the pony turns to walk away. "Wait...it's not...cultural...I'm note even from this...universe..."

The hooves stop, and the yellow face, blue eyes, and pink mane all reappear. "I'm sorry?"

"I'm not from this universe," I whisper. The pony frowns at me, and shocks me by immediately flipping me onto my chest, and strapping my wrists together with some sort of leather restraint.

"Come with me," she orders, walking away with the leash connected to my restraint. She freezes as she turns to me, her legs shaking in fear. "That is, if you don't mind...please, I'm only doing this for you...I really don't want to, but you have to come with me if you want to get better..."

I blink a few times before shaking my head and sighing. Whatever - may as well get this over with...

I begrudgingly follow the butter pony - who I now realize is a Pegasus - through a town. My skin crawls as ponies stare at me. Once we get to our destination, a hospital, I start to protest when she tries to commit me to the psychiatric ward.

"But I'm not crazy!" I declare. "I swear, I'm from another universe! My universe was merging with another, which was causing rapid fluctuations in space and time." All the ponies in the room have stopped doing what they're doing to listen to me - I have them intrigued. "A fluctuation occurred that caused a pocket of volatile gas to be placed in my study - it detonated on contact with oxygen, and it tore half of my limbs off. I was sucked through another fluctuation, and I was expelled from both universes, and a man in a suit told me to open the door to visit a random universe. I opened the door, and I walked down some stairs made of stars, and I ended up here."

The butter Pegasus frowns at me, and looks to one of the nurses holding my arms. She nods, and I'm dragged away, dejected yet...not knowing what I had expected.

They gingerly place me in a room, and make sure to lock my door - should I prove to be a threat. I sigh as I realize that this is what my life will be forced to become. I'll just have to lie that I'm crazy to get out...

Oh, great. A life of studying merging universes has become a life of lying about being insane...

The Next Day...

"You sure about this?" A doctor asks. I stare at the ceiling with a hefty sigh.

"Still not doing electro-shock therapy," I shout out.

"Yes...he isn't crazy...he must be from another universe..." I immediately recognize Fluttershy's voice, and I feel a spark of confusion.

"Yes! It says in the book that the One that walks on two legs will descend the stairs made of stars!" I don't recognize the second voice, but I'm very happy to hear it.

"Finally!" I cry as I roll out of the bed. "I guess my freedom from this tedium has come in the shape of something totally random, huh?"

"Random?" I hear the second voice ask. Hooves fall on tiles, and a lavender unicorn comes into view. I'd be shocked, if it weren't for the fact that I've already seen unicorns. And their magic. Hey, their universe, their rules. "It was fate. The book on the Elements of Harmony states that a...'man' from another universe will descend the Stairs of Stars to join the other Elements! Fluttershy said that you said that you did that, so you must be the seventh Element of Harmony, and you can help us defeat Nightmare Moon?"

"Who?" I ask, confused. A glance out the window to see if I'm being pranked by the ponies reminds me of something.  "Also, why hasn't the sun come up yet? Is the planet stuck in some sort of odd orbital spin due to gravitational force?"

The unicorn stares at me for a moment before sighing. "Oh, I've got a lot to explain to you..."

I nod. "Alright. Your universe, your rules - I'm willing to embrace your reality, so long as you fully believe that I'm from my own reality."

The lavender unicorn, now introduced properly as Twilight Sparkle, beams at me. "Good! Okay, so...that's the first thing here about the Elements of Harmony...now, the rest of them are in..." She gulps. "It's in...th-th-the Everfree Forest!" All the mares around Twilight chorus the words of fear along with her, and I'm left staring at them in confusion. After the brash, confident introduction received from the cyan Pegasus known as Rainbow Dash, I would have expected her to be less fearful of a forest.

"The who now?" I ask. Twilight sighs, and points.

I turn around, and see that we're before the entrance to a giant forest.

"When the fuck did we get here?" I ask.

"Language!" Rarity cries. "Please, watch your language!"

"Sorry," I sigh. "I guess we'd better get going, huh?"

"Now, hold up!" Applejack interrupts. "Y'all're seemin' mighty acceptin' of this. Are ya' sure ya' don' know anythin' about this? 'Cus Ah wouldn't be half as calm as ya' in yer situation..."

Rainbow Dash nods in agreement as she flaps her wings to hover before me. "Yeah! Are you some sorta spy!?

I sigh as I push the cyan Pegasus away from my face. "No. I'm just glad that I have somebody that doesn't think I'm crazy so I can actually live a normal life...well, as normal as normal gets with a bunch of magical talking ponies..."

"Seems reasonable," Applejack responds. "A'ight, Ah trust'ya. Let's git goin'."

Rainbow Dash and I stare at the orange farmpony for a few moments. "You already trust me/him?" We both ask at the same time. We exchange glances, and I give her a slight smirk. She responds with a tiny, subtle blush.

She wants the D.

"Of course Ah do," Applejack responds. "Ya' seem ta' have honest intentions."

"Yes," I remark. "My intentions are not to murder you and desecrate your corpses with my penis."

Silence. I sigh as the ponies back away a bit. "Sorry; dark humor. Picked it up from the Internet. And Silent Hill." I explain. "In any case...let's get going."

The mares all silently agree, and we continue on our way.

Friendship is Magic: Part 2

"So, what's it like back in your universe?" Twilight Sparkle asks. The other mares agree to the question. At least they're talking to me now - after that dark joke I had made, they were a bit edgy about asking me.

"Well, to be honest...I don't remember what it's normally like," I respond.

"How could you not remember what your own universe is like?" Rainbow Dash demands. "Hey, Flutters, you sure he's not crazy?"

Before the timid Pegasus can respond, I explain. "I remember my home - I don't remember what it was like before everything started going to shit."

"Whatever do you mean, darling?" Rarity asks. "Oh, and if you would, please refrain from using such language around me..."

"I'll try, but it's hard to stop old habits," I respond. She nods in appreciation and understanding. "And what I mean is that...my universe was, and I guess sort of is, parallel with another one - this parallel universe is essentially the same, but is in a different point of time. We don't know how far forward it is, but we know that it definitely is forward in time.

"Thing is, the membranes of these two universes started to overlap, which caused...fluctuations. Which means that, at times, both versions of my planet could exist in the same solar system - it was possible due to its future distorted orbit.

"These fluctuations also caused distortions of what we perceived reality to be. Such as time flowing faster and slower, and gravity reversing in certain areas. I was one of the scientists closely studying these fluctuations, and it became a part of my life. After a while, I just accepted it as reality - well, a twisted form of reality, but reality nonetheless. I was pretty young before all of this stuff happened, so I don't really remember much of the world before these fluctuations happened. And I'm twenty four, which gives you a good idea of how long this shi- sorry Rarity, stuff has been going on."

Rarity smiles at me in thanks, and Twilight speaks up. "Wow...that's actually really interesting! Could you...could you teach me about the universes overlapping? I mean, I'd ask you to teach me about your culture, but -"

"Oh, I know a lot about my culture," I respond. "I read a lot of history books. I couldn't stand not knowing about the past of my own world, so I researched it quite adamantly. If you want, I could tell you what I know about it."

Twilight grins, but Rainbow Dash just sighs. "Great, a complete egghead..."

I cock an eyebrow at the cyan Pegasus. "And I'm guessing you're a jock?"

"You got it! Best athlete in all of Equestria! And I don't bother with any stupid books or anything - I'm too cool!"

I scowl at the cyan Pegasus. "You and I...will only be friends if we absolutely have to," I announce. She deflates.

"Wha-what? Why!? But I'm super cool!"

"Yeah, but you're a fucking - oh, sorry Rarity, it slipped out - idiot! Seriously, you never read? How could you possibly never read? I mean, I rarely read when I was younger, because I was playing videogames all the damn time, but...seriously, you've got to read sometime..."

"Yeah, well...I'm too cool for books! And for you!"

I scowl at the cyan Pegasus. "I'm going to assume you never finished High School?"

"Dropped outta Flight School!" She declares proudly. I sigh in irritation and disgust. "I was too good for that crap!"

That catches my attention. "Oh?" I ask, intrigued. "What d'you mean, 'too good' for it?"

"I knew everything they were trying to teach us," she responds with a shrug. "It was boring to me. I didn't want to waste my time with that stuff when I could actually challenge myself with stuff that they all told me was impossible."

I can't help but smile to myself. "You know what...maybe you're not too bad. Just...promise me that you'll try to have a more open mind about reading, alright?"

Rainbow Dash blinks in confusion. "Uh...fine, whatever...I guess..." She frowns at me. "What's with the shift in your bad attitude?" She asks.

"Albert Einstein is one of the greatest physicists to have ever lived, if not the greatest. He never got a college degree, and he dropped out after a while. He learned to do some of the most complicated math known to mankind by backwards engineering equations in the patent office where he worked, and -"

"Boring!" Rainbow Dash declares. "Seriously, that sounds so boring..."

"It sounds interesting!" Twilight retorts. "Peter, please - tell me more about this when we have the time. But for now, we've got to focus on getting through the Everfree Forest as quickly as possible."

I nod in agreement, and we continue to walk, idle conversation the only thing passing between us. I try to apologize to Rainbow Dash for my cynicism of her personality, but she shrugs it off as if it were nothing. I can tell she appreciates the apology, however.

After a while, I find that we're walking along the edge of a cliff.

"Be careful, guys," I urge. Almost as soon as I say that, the ledge begins to crumble. In a moment of panic, I jump backwards, and manage to just avoid falling with the rubble.

"I said be careful!" I shout at the ponies that are now falling to their death. I frown, and my palms begin to sweat as I watch. I sigh in relief as Rarity is caught, and as Pinkie Pie is saved, as well.

Applejack manages to stop her descent, but Twilight is still going. My eyes widen in panic as she hangs off the edge of the cliff.

And then I realize something. Something that had been explained to me a while ago.

"Just use your magic to make a platform, jackass!" I shout down to Twilight. She looks up at me in irritation, but her irritation goes away as she sees why I'm shouting thus: I'm legitimately concerned. As is obvious by my inability to stand still. Twilight nods, and starts to try to use her magic to levitate a few rocks.

However, she starts to lose her grip, so Applejack lets go of the sapling she's biting to approach the lavender unicorn. I see that Rainbow and Fluttershy are ready to catch her, and Applejack starts trying to persuade Twilight to let go.

Without explaining why...

"But I'll fall!"

"Just trust me!" Applejack shouts. "You'll be okay!"

I don't bother saying anything. I'm interested to see what will happen, because either way Rainbow and Fluttershy will catch her.

After a moment, Twilight lets go, and screams until she's caught. I sigh in relief, and watch as Applejack makes the rest of her descent. The ponies all smile to each other, and start to walk off.

Uh...

"Yo! Assholes!" I cry. The ponies look up to me, and start to giggle silently at their forgetfulness. Rainbow Dash flies up to me, and (not too gently) carries me down to the ground.

"Thanks for forgetting about me," I say, genially.

"We were nervous, and y'all were safe," Applejack explains. "Sorry if we didn' think."

"It's fine," I respond with a shrug. "Let's just get going."

The mares nod, and we continue to walk.

My eyes widen, and I move behind Rainbow Dash - disputably the most adept at defending herself in this entire group.

The Manticore roars at us, and I shake as I cower more. Each of the ponies go off to take it on, except for Fluttershy, who does the wise thing and tell us to wait so we can actually kill it with a plan.

When Rainbow goes off, I awkwardly shuffle/crawl behind Applejack.

A moment later, all the mares are running at the Manticore, and I'm hiding behind a tree, hoping my death won't hurt.

"WAIT!" I hear Fluttershy shout. I look behind me, and my eyes widen as Fluttershy goes to die.

I guess she was pretty depressed...what a way to go...

A moment later, the Manticore is licking her in affection and gratitude as the thorn she pulled out of its paw turns into smoke. I point this out, and the mares all exchange glances before shrugging it off.

I struggle not to shout "THE THORN JUST TURNED INTO SMOKE THAT MOVED OF ITS OWN WILL AND YOU'RE NOT FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!?"

I sigh as I decide to just follow them, my legs shaking a bit as I give the Manticore rather wide girth.

A scream coming from Rarity causes us to stop.

"Rarity, it's jus' mud!" Applejack complains. "Seriously, y'all have got t'-"

Her complaints fall to silence as we notice what made the unicorn scream.

The trees...

Have faces...

So spooky...

The mares all back into each other in fear, and I...

Well, I...

I just sort of stare at them in confusion.

"Seriously?" I ask as they shake. Even Rainbow Dash, who "isn't afraid of anything," looks like she's about to piss herself. "You're scared of trees?"

"T'ain't natural!" Applejack snaps in response. "It's creepy!"

I sigh as I approach them. "Guys, there's literally nothing to be afraid of! Seriously, they're just trees with faces - some kids probably carved them into the bark..."

"B-but they're h-hollow," Rainbow stammers.

"Then maybe that kid is a really hard worker," I respond. "Besides, even if this is some sort of evil magic or something, they're just trees - they can't do anything to you! Their branches are too tough and full of xylem and phloem to act as actual limbs, and there's nowhere for a brain to be stored in those things. It's probably just some sort of illusion from the light..."

Twilight frowns as she shakes her head. "N-no, th-these are...AAHHHH!!!"

All the mares scream in unison as a tree shudders, causing my ears to ring a bit. I must admit, the tree shuddering causes me to feel a bit unsettled, as well, but nowhere near screaming in horror...

It's then that Pinkie Pie starts to laugh hysterically.

She makes funny faces at a certain tree, and I can't help but smile as she acts like a complete fool.

"Pinkie, what are you doing?" Twilight asks.

"Laughing, silly!" She responds. A beat starts up, and I spin around in confusion.

"Where in the hell is that music coming from?" I ask.

"Oh, tell me she's not..." Twilight mutters.

"She is," Rarity sighs.

Pinkie Pie starts to sing, and the music continues. I spin around, clenching my fists and my jaw in defiance of the odd happening.

"Where is that music coming from!?" I shout. The ponies don't seem to notice my discomfort.

However, one pony does.

A white unicorn pops her head up out of the mouth of a tree, and looks right at me. Nopony else notices her. She has blue hair with neon stripes, purple shades perched atop her muzzle, and a pair of rather fancy headphones on her ears. She picks up something from within the tree, and I see that it's a stereo, pumping the music into the surroundings.

Lifting her shades up to look right at me with her blazing red eyes, she gives me a quick wink, and then dissappears down the tree like one of the Lost Boys.

I start to chuckle.

And then I start to giggle.

And finally, I'm laughing with the rest of the mares, not really knowing (or caring) what they're laughing about, but knowing for damn sure what I'm laughing about.

We come to an impassible river. Since I used to swim competitively when I was in school, (despite the obvious threats of fluctuations occurring in the water,) I would normally swim across. However, the rapid waters would probably result in my death.

Also, there's a sea serpent throwing a tantrum.

It explains how some "tacky purple smoke" (it only sends flags up in my mind, apparently) cut off his glorious mustache. Rarity plucks off one of its scales, and my eyes widen as she rears her head.

I know she's sort of snooty, but I didn't expect her to be a murderous bitch...

A moment later, she's proven my assumption wrong as she places her severed tail on the upper lip of the sea-drake, completing its mustache in an...interesting way. I decide not to point this out as it decides to let us cross. If I were to insult it, I doubt it'd be too civil.

We cross, and walk through the rest of the forest, until we reach the ruins of a castle.

"There it is!" Twilight cries. She runs ahead, and nearly falls into the obvious abyss below.

"Seriously, what's with you and falling off cliffs today?" Rainbow Dash asks. I laugh, and she smirks at me.

After Pinkie Pie asks what we'll do about the downed bridge, I pick up Rainbow Dash, who scoffs in surprise and irritation. I'm pleased that she's rather light, mostly due to the hollow bones necessary for flight.

"We sacrifice the blue one to the gods!" I declare in a bravado voice. "Now, go; raise the bridge, chromatic demon of flight!"

Rainbow Dash can't help but giggle a bit, but she lets out a cry of shock as I throw her out over the chasm. She immediately spans her wings, and scowls at me before diving down to bring the bridge up. I watch her tie the first rope with a smirk, and the ponies surrounding me drill me as to my actions. I simply shrug.

"Human humor," Is all I say in response.

After a moment, three mares approach the cyan Pegasus, and I frown as they start to talk to her.

"Don't listen to them, Rainbow!" Twilight shouts. I nod in agreement, and frown as the mist obscures our view of her.

"Will she be okay?" I ask, nervously, hoping the three mares aren't eviscerating her behind the mist.

"Ya' didn' seem t' be worried 'bout her when ya' threw her out over the cliff," Applejack reminds me. I don't notice as the mist parts.

"I wasn't worried," I respond. "Not at all. If I weren't completely sure that she could recover from that, I wouldn't have thrown her. I wasn't worried because I knew she'd be fine - she's more than an adept flier, as she made obvious several times today."

Applejack nods. We both look up in surprise as Rainbow Dash lands before us.

"Well, of course you weren't worried," Rainbow Dash announces. "I'll forgive you just this once for throwing me like that, Pete. 'Cus you know just how dang awesome I am."

I cock an eyebrow at her. "Wonderful, you're back. Now, come on - let's get this over with."

The mares all giggle a bit, and Rainbow grins. "Please - you can't hide how much you've got the hots for me!"

Remember how I said that Rainbow Dash landed in front of us? Well, she didn't land centered. She landed more towards me, probably so she could tease me. Which means that behind her is not a bridge, but empty space.

Which I use to my advantage as I quickly push her backwards, causing her to fall a foot or so before she's able to attain the appropriate orientation for flight. She scowls at me as the mares giggle at our antics.

After a moment, as we're walking across the bridge, the scowl turns into a smile.

"I have a feeling we're gonna be good friends, Pete," she announces. "Now, come on - let's do this! RAINBOWWWWWWW...DASH!!!!" She darts into the castle, and Twilight sighs as we follow her.

"Damnit, Rainbow," she mutters..

After all the orbs representing different Elements of Harmony have been placed on the ground - six in total - we decide to leave Twilight be so she can use her magic to invoke a "spark" amongst the Elements.

We make idle conversation outside, and Rainbow Dash and I speak about something that has Applejack scratching her head - physics.

"Yeah, but you've gotta remember that, due to the forces of gravity and friction, I've gotta work extra hard to fly as fast as I can."

"I know that, but I'm just saying that I can't imagine that you're outputting more than...I dunno, ten or twelve Newtons of force when you flap your wings. Just saying. I mean, that figure is probably way off, but..."

"Nah, don't sweat it. Besides, you wouldn't even primarily measure my flaps in Newtons - you'd do it in Joules and Watts. But also, when I do an ascent and I come to the top of my parabolic climb, you've got to realize that at that point, I'm sort of motionless due to the forces being equivalent for that split second - that would be a sort of difficult measurement to base the power of my wings on. I guess you could do a sort of bell curve, like I did when I was just lifting weights with my wings to determine how strong I was, not how powerful."

"Okay, stop right there," Applejack pleads. "Rainbow, ya' say that ya' don' read, but all o' this stuff that yer' talkin' 'bout was in mah physics class back when Ah was in Manehattan for a little while! Ah mean, ya' do realize that it's complex stuff, right? Nearly failed th' class, 'cus Ah couldn't understand it fer' the life of me, no matter how much Ah studied..."

"Really?" Rainbow asks, confused. "All I did was pay attention in my Flight Camp, while I was there...they're simple concepts, Applejack, really. Force is just a measure of how strong something has to be pushing to get an object of a certain mass to accelerate at a certain rate...and work is just taking into account how far you push it, and power is then taking into account the velocity at which the object travels and how long it travels for!"

My eyes widen as I stare at Rainbow Dash. "You're a fucking genius," I announce.

"What? Na, I ain't no genius - I just know what I gotta know for flight."

"But you know how they all relate," I protest. "Rainbow Dash, you're...Jesus, I thought you were a moron!"

"My name's not Jesus," she mutters, confused

"Sorry, it's a human swear," I explain. "But in any case, you're a fuckin' genius, Dash. Why d'you say that you're not smart?"

Rainbow's about to respond when we hear a cry of shock and a bang of magic, complete with a flash of light. We panic for a moment before noticing the glowing window in the castle ruins.

"Well, that's not obvious at all," I grumble. Rainbow chuckles lightly as we make our way towards the building that houses the stairs we can use to get there.

When we make it, we find that Twilight is standing before Nightmare Moon, her hopes gleaming just like the small (shattered) ring of Elements behind the mare of darkness. Apparently, she's in the middle of a monologue.

She talks about friends, and then all six of them float up in the air and are granted one Element each. I frown as I do a double count.

"There's only six, Twilight," I remind her. "We can't do shit without seven."

"And finally...the last of all the Elements..." I frown in confusion as something manifests before me. "Balance."

The next thing I know, there's a talisman hanging on a leather cord around my neck. Nightmare Moon's eyes widen in fear, and Twilight's eyes glow. I'm brought into the air to join the rest, and I find that my talisman is starting to glow like the rest of their necklaces/giant tiara thingy.

I shake my head as I watch through narrow eyelids. This is so...stupid...

A second later, there's a giant rainbow tornado wrecking Nightmare Moon's shit.

Well...that happened.

Once we're back on the ground, I don't stop to ask what happens, nor do I stop to find out whether or not everypony is safe.

I just get up, and walk away. I head down the steps with a deep sigh.

I am so fucking done.

Right now, I just want to get fucking shitfaced...

Post-Battle

I hear a pair of hooves descending the stone stairs behind me. I turn my head, and see that Fluttershy has chosen to join me.

"Hi," she says softly. "You, uh...you left..."

I smile as I see her necklace. "Your Element necklace is nice," I announce.

"Oh...thank you...but...why did you leave?"

I shrug. "I needed to have a moment alone. Y'know, away from the insanity of the day? I was getting tired of all the crap going on today."

Fluttershy smiles sympathetically as she sits down next to me. I'm already on my butt on the ground, slumping against the side of the castle in relaxation, so it's very convenient.

"Do you miss your family?" She asks, softly.

"Not at all," I respond with a light chuckle. "If anything I'm relieved to be away from them...they were totally crazy. Half of them were crack addicts, the other half were prostitute addicts."

Fluttershy blushes as she paws at the floor. "Oh...I'm sorry..."

"It's fine," I inform her. "I'm happy here. I don't have to worry about finding out that another one of my cousins has broken out of rehab..."

Fluttershy smiles as she gently nuzzles my shoulder. "I'm glad that you're happy..."

I smile at her, and rub her shoulder with a gentle hand. We remain silent, my arm wrapped around her in a gentle embrace and her head resting on my shoulder. It's not until we hear hooves coming down the stairs that I stand.

"Peter, you should come meet Princess Celestia," Twilight Sparkle announces. "Come on."

I nod, and follow her up the stairs. Once we arrive in the area where we fought Nightmare Moon, I see that a large white alicorn (Twilight explained the terminology to me a while ago) is standing next to a smaller, blue alicorn.

"Hello, Peter," the white one announces. "My name is Celestia. I am the Princess of the Sun. This is my sister, Luna. Princess of the Moon."

I give them a respectful nod, but I don't bow.

"Peter, bow!" Twilight urges. I cock an eyebrow at her.

"I'm sorry, but I don't do bows," I inform her, loudly enough for the Princesses to hear. "Just a character flaw."

Celestia chuckles lightly. "We understand, Peter," she announces. "I am sure you are aware of Luna's state?"

I nod in agreement. "Yep. I know she was Nightmare Moon, and I'm glad to see her as herself again."

"And I would like to thank you for freeing me, Peter," Luna announces. "And I would like to apologize for terrorizing you and your friends..."

I shrug. "Whatever. It's fine. Besides, they needed to be messed with a bit." I give her a wink, and she giggles a bit. "Besides, I thoroughly enjoyed some of it. But those trees were a bit corny, don't you think?" I grin in success as she snorts in laughter. Celestia smiles at me in thanks for making her sister happy again.

A little while later, we're being escorted through the Everfree and back to Ponyville. The sun has raised by now, and we're all grinning and smiling as Luna awkwardly mingles.

After a while, Celestia announces that Twilight will be staying in Ponyville to study the Magic of Friendship. I cock an eyebrow at that, but I don't say anything.

After that, something happens that tugs at my heartstrings.

"Uh, Peter?" Fluttershy whispers. I don't notice above the sound of the crowd. Twilight asks me a question.

"Hey, if you'd like, you could stay in the library with me. I've got a lot of room, and with just Spike to keep me company, it could get a bit hard to clean it all..."

I smile at her. "Oh, that sounds great! Alright, I'll stay with you."

Twilight nods, and frowns as she seems to have noticed something behind me. "Fluttershy, is something the matter?" Twilight asks.

I turn around, and see that Fluttershy is drawing behind her mane in meek embarrassment. I frown as I kneel down. "Everything okay?" I ask softly. She simply blushes, and I frown as I try to get her to stick around. "Flutters, come on - if you've got something to say, just say it! Don't make me strap you down and torture it out of you..."

She smiles a bit at my joke, and finally loosens up. "I...I wanted to ask...if you wanted to...stay at my cottage...but you're already...staying with...Twilight...and...eep!"

I smile as I pat her on the head. "Fluttershy, I'd love to stay with you," I inform her.

"You...you would?" She asks, a hopeful sparkle appearing in her eyes.

I nod. "Yeah, I would. But I've been in your cottage before - you've got next to no room in there for me! I'd be in the way of everything, Flutters. So...if you don't mind...I'll be staying at Twilight's, just so I'm not in your way."

Fluttershy smiles at me, and gives me a quick peck on the cheek. "Thank you...you're very considerate..."

I smile with a nod, and give her a quick hug before standing back to my full height. Twilight smiles at Fluttershy and I, and we continue with the day as usual.

As the day is coming to a close, Celestia has Luna raise the moon. I immediately start to clap as soon as the moon shows its crest. Luna looks to me with tears of pride and one thousand years of regret in her eyes, and pretty soon, everypony around me has joined in on the fanfare.

Once that's done, I realize how damn tired I am. I let out a large yawn, and watch in awe as Luna spreads the stars from her mane - from her mane!

Before she leaves, I tell her how beautiful her night is. She smiles, and gives me a quick kiss on the nose. After that, Celestia reluctantly pulls her away so they can attend to the business they have to attend to in Canterlot, the capital of Equestria.

The last thing I see as they fade into the distance is Celestia wrapping her wing around Luna.

Twilight leads me back to the library. I smile as I hungrily consume the pastry that Pinkie Pie gave me. After several minutes of talking about what will be going on pretty soon, Twilight goes upstairs to put her baby dragon, Spike, to sleep. I resist the urge to examine Spike as closely as possible.

Once he's tucked in, she comes back down and smiles at me. We begin to speak about our plans for daily activities, and we decide that, at least for the next few days, I should go with her when she goes to meet friends or go shopping, so I can get used to Ponyville. I agree with her idea, and she levitates a pile of sheets and pillows over to me after pointing out the guest bedroom.

After a quick good-night, I go into the guest room and lie down, hoping I can actually get a good amount of sleep...

Errands

"So, Peter, would you like to go shopping with us?"

"What? No, fuck off. I'm trying to read this book."

Rarity scoffs at me. "That is no way to treat a group of ladies, Peter!"

Rainbow Dash floats over to the side of the couch. "Besides, it'll be fun! At least, if ya' hang with me it'll be fun. I'm gonna head straight for that new shop to pick up one of them fancy Plasma-Screen televisions!"

I cock an eyebrow at the cyan Pegasus. "You guys have plasma screen televisions in Equestria?"

"They were only recently developed," Twilight announces. "They're the first ever screens to be sold to the public! Before this, video feed was reserved for security, and for public areas so ponies could go there to watch the news. But now, they're going to be broadcasting sports, comedies, dramas, and more!"

I smile to myself as I dog-ear the page I'm on (much to Twilight's horror) and stand. "Y'know what...that sounds pretty cool. I'll think I'll go with you guys. I wanna check out these televisions - see how you came to such an advanced point of technology so quickly."

"Peter, it's mostly magic," Twilight informs me as Rarity grins in success. "I mean, it's a bit technology...but not much."

I shrug. "Good enough for me. I'll go with Rainbow Dash, and anypony else who's going to that shop she's talking about."

"Ah think Ah might, too," Applejack announces. "It'll be easier t' get th' weather schedule fer' the weak, an' check the apple sales, than t' lug mahself t' the town hall every mornin'..."

I nod in agreement. "Alright. Well, let's get going."

A few minutes later, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and I are walking into the hardware store. I'm shocked to find that they have a gaming system already out, and I'm excited when I find out that it's named the "Magnavox Odyssey".

"Oh my fucking god!" I exclaim as I jump in front of the console, bringing a few surprised heads to swivel in my direction. "Holy shit, you guys really have just started on your home consoles! Wow, I can't believe you're only at the fucking Magnavox Odyssey!"

"Yeah, but I wouldn't waste my time on it," Rainbow Dash announces, dismissively. "Besides, it's not like there's a future to home gaming..."

I swivel around to glare at her. "Rainbow Dash, I'm going to make you eat those words. I'm going to find the equivalent of Nintendo in this world, and I am going to make the NES. It will be so awesome, your eyes will melt out."

"Now, hold on for a ding-dang second," Applejack announces. "Ah thought ya' said ya' didn't know much about the past o' technology where yer' from. But yer' actin' like the Magnavox is some ol' relic!"

"I don't know much about basic technology; that's true," I agree. "But I know a lot about video gaming technology. For example -"

"Oh, jeeze, here we go," Rainbow Dash sighs. I ignore her.

"The first home console, in terms of an actual console that could play games besides Pong and its variations, was the Atari. I think. I'm not one hundred percent sure on that, my knowledge is limited at best. Anyway, it was a huge hit, and eventually Atari made the shittiest console ever and totally died in the console battle."

"See? Told ya' there's no future in 'em!" I ignore Dash.

"Then the NES came along, from Nintendo. Sega made the Genesis...I think that was their first console...yeah. And then they started an all-out war. R.O.B. saved the video game industry at one point, but I won't bore you with the details."

"Really? You're doing a pretty good job boring us with the rest of the details..."

"Fuck you, Rainbow Dash. Anyway, pretty soon, the Super Nintendo Entertainment System came along. So did the Sega Genesis 32x and the Phillips CDi. Which sucked dick." A few heads turn in disgust. I ignore them. "I'm not one hundred percent sure about that order. Anyway, awesome games came out, like Castlevania, Sonic the Hedgehog - which you would love, Dash - and, uh...I'm not so familiar with old games. Just the consoles.

"Anyway, skipping ahead to 1996, the Nintendo 64 came out, and it was the first console to have 3D graphics. It started a new era of gaming, and it was awesome.

"Later, the Playstation and Playstation 2 came out. Sega was all but dead in the water at this point.

"Sony got big, and so did Microsoft. Nintendo remained on casual gaming, and Pokemon is like fucking legendary."

"Language," Applejack sighs. "Ah'm fine with cursin', but this is gettin' t' be a bit much..."

"Go eat a dick, Applejack. In any case, with the Wii came motion controlled gaming, where you could control the motions of the in-game characters. You could do things like control sword strikes, use a bow and arrow, and several other things.

"Then the Playstation 3 and XBox 360 came out. Awesome consoles. God of War 3 is one of my favorite games for Playstation 3 - you can just endlessly wail on enemies with your freakin' Blades of Chaos. It's absolutely amazing. Plus, with this era of gaming came the more brutal games. Games meant only for adults."

"Oh, this I gotta hear," Rainbow Dash remarks sarcastically.

"Alright then. Imagine playing a game where a minotaur attacks you. You use a reaction command to dodge it, jump on its back, bury your blades into its chest, and tear it open, spilling its intestines and vital organs everywhere."

"That's, uh..."

"And then you attack the god of the sea. After beating the shit out of him, you gouge his eyes out, and break his neck before throwing him off a cliff."

"Uhm..."

"And then, you unceremoniously shoot up everything in your path, pick up prostitutes, and then kill them for your money back."

"Wait, what!?"

"That's not all of it. Imagine playing a game where you have to shoot the limbs off of enemies to kill them, and when they kill you, you get absolutely gruesome scenes of gore and violence. Absolutely brilliant."

"But-"

"And going back to the PS2 - Silent Hill 3. Running from Insane Cancers, which are basically giant deformed miscarriages. Or running from Closers, which are basically walking vaginal lips. Or fighting off the Missionary, a tortured monster that murdered your father. Or eating...agapholaphis? I don't remember what it's called. anyway, taking the red pill to make yourself vomit up Gods' fetus, and then watching as Claudia eats God's fetus so she can give birth to it, and then having to fight that God in the final boss fight. Oh, oh - and don't forget the giant penis monster you fight at the end of the mall. Meant to symbolize rape and sexual harassment."

"Alright, alright; that's enough!" Rainbow Dash cries, holding out her hooves in desperation. "Please, just stop fucking talking! I mean, Celestia damnit, Peter - you've gotta know when to shut the fuck up!"

I blush as I smile awkwardly. "Uh...sorry..."

"Yeah, whatever, but next time, don't ramble so damn much. Especially not about such stupid or gross stuff."

"Silent Hill is not stupid!" I cry.

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Break it up, y'all lovebirds," Applejack barks. Rainbow Dash and I glare daggers at her, both of us sporting furious blushes. "Also, d'you even realize where y'all have decided t' have this discussion?"

We look around, and blush as we see that we've come to the...adult part of the store. There are vibrators everywhere.

"Why isn't this closed off?" I wonder aloud. "Some poor kid could come walking in here..."

"It's partitioned by magic," Rainbow explains. "Anyway...let's get outta here..."

I nod in embarrassment. "Yeah...before we end up scarring some poor kids for life. Sorry for going on like that."

"It's fine. Just don't do it again, alright?"

"Fuck you, Rainbow."

Rainbow Dash scoffs at me in shock, and I smirk at Applejack as I shove my hands into my pockets. Rainbow Dash fumes as we leave the store.

The seven of us all meet at the local restaurant, and they ask how our shopping sprees went.

"Peter talked our ears off about videogames," Rainbow Dash grumbles.

"Really? That sounds interesting," Twilight remarks. I grin as I take a deep breath. Before I can speak, Rainbow Dash tackles me to the ground, clapping a hoof over my mouth as she does so.

"No, no, *no**! You will *not start with that fucking bullshit again, d'you understand me!?" The mares laugh, and Rainbow snaps her head back in annoyance. "You shut the fuck up! D'you have any idea what I had to go through with this asshole!?" The mares immediately quiet down, and after a moment, I'm sitting as far away from Dash as I can.

The rest of the meal passes without any conversation between Dash and I. We only ask each other to pass certain condiments.

When we've finished, and we've paid the check, (I have a part-time job at the library, so I'm able to chip in,) we're about to leave when Spike comes running up to Twilight.

"Hey, Twi'!" He exclaims eagerly. "I got this letter from Celestia! There are only two tickets to the Grand Galloping Galla! Who will you take?"

Every single pony in Ponyville stops what they're doing and stares at Twilight. I clear my throat as I stand. "If you guys need me,I'll be hiding in the library's basement so I can avoid the shitstorm that will soon follow," I announce. Nopony notices, as they're already staring at Twilight expectantly. I sigh as I pat her on the back. "Good luck, Twi'. Might wanna think about letting 'em fight to the death for the tickets. Just sayin'."

Twilight gulps, and I none too slowly make my way back to the library, a prickling sensation tickling my spine as I struggle to get out of the epicenter of the soon-to-occur wave of ass-kissing.

Ticket Masters

I look up in surprise as Twilight darts into the library and starts to seal all the openings off with plywood. I cock an eyebrow at her as she pants.

"Want any help with that?" I ask as she collects herself.

"A bit late now," she mutters. "But no. I'm perfectly fine."

I nod as I return to my book. I can feel her staring at me. "Aren't you going to ask what I'm freaking out about!?"

"The tickets to the Gala," I deadpan.

"Yes, the tickets to the Gala..." She sighs.

"If they're such a big problem for you, sell them," I suggest.  I turn the page.

"Sell them!? They're a gift from Celestia, I can't just sell them!"

"Then charge double because they're gifts from Celestia," I respond. "What the fuck do you want me to tell you, Twilight? You could either choose a friend, or just get rid of them and not have to deal with this shit. I'm partial for the first - you could get mad laid if you choose the right guy."

Twilight blushes as she glares at me. "Are you suggesting that we sleep together!?" She demands.

"I'd rather sleep with a cactus," I inform her. "I was talking about any stallion in Ponyville."

Twilight sighs. "No, Peter - I won't take a stallion so I can partake in coitus..." She sits in silence, and I read in silence, not really caring much about what she decides to do.

"Hey, Twi'!"

"Holyfuckingshit!" I cry as I roll off of the couch, completely taken unawares by the cry. I hear a mare giggling, and I peak my head over the couch to see that Rainbow Dash is laughing at me. I toss the book at her, hitting her squarely in the face. I grin in victory as a red mark appears, which she begins to rub.

"So, who're you gonna take?" Applejack asks, ignoring Rainbow Dash's pain. Twilight starts to freak out, and I sigh as I bend down, and snatch the tickets away from the lavender unicorn.

I tear the tickets in half, then in quarters, then in eights, then in sixteenths. I throw them into the air, and let the fragments fall to the ground. I return to the couch, and pick up a new book to read, as I'm too lazy to get the one I threw at Dash. "You're welcome," I grumble above my book. Stunned silence meets my ears.

"Uh...Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"T-take a letter..."

"Uh, sure..."

"Dear Princess Celestia, I couldn't decide who to take out of all my friends to the Gala. I was about to decide to abdicate from the invitation so that I wouldn't hurt any of them...but Peter tore the tickets to bits before I could do anything."

"Damn straight!" I call out.

"So...yeah...uh...I don't know what to do. I'm thoroughly confused. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."

Spike sends the letter, and I wait patiently for the mares to start shouting at me and interrupt my reading. However, it seems they're all too stunned to do anything.

A few moments later, Spike belches, and Twilight pulls out a letter. "She sent us all tickets!" Twilight cries. "Six tickets - one for each of us!"

The mares cheer, and Spike seems disappointed. Twilight gives Spike the fragments to send back, since Celestia asked that she does so. A moment later, two repaired tickets are on the floor.

"Oh, wow! One for me, and one for Peter!"

I sigh as I accept the ticket. "Great, I get to waste my time at a party without alcohol," I grumble. "And without hot girls. So I have no chance to get my dick wet..." I ignore Rarity's abashed gasp. I close the book and drop it to the ground. "Three things. First off, Twilight, a lot of the books you have suck absolute cock. Secondly, Pinkie Pie...maybe you could spike the punch at the gala? Thirdly, I'm going to go to sleep. Bother me and I'll deck the halls with your intestinal tracks. Toodaloo."

With that I make my way to the guest bedroom. I feel surprised eyes watching me, and I turn to say one last thing.

"Oh, by the way, Fluttershy - I love what you did with your mane," I announce with a small smile. And it's true - she made it a bit thinner so it's not covering so much of her right eye. She blushes and mumbles a thanks. I shout my farewells as I crawl into bed.

"Excuse me," I hear Rainbow Dash announce.

The next thing I know, Rainbow is in my room with a glare. "Peter, you've pissed me off quite a lot recently," she announces. I shrug. "You've been cursing and acting like a complete asshole. I think it's about time you have a personality shift." I shrug again.

"Dash, I don't care," I announce. "I didn't get any sleep last night. Please, just let me sleep..."

"Yeah, I'll let you sleep..." She approaches me, and I immediately begin to feel nervous. "Sweet dreams," she growls, before knocking me out with a blow to the face.

...

Maybe I will alter my attitude...

Correspondence

I bite my lower lip as I stare at the letter.

"Hey, Peter, is something the matter? You're never this quiet," Twilight points out.

I sigh as I bend to pick up the parchment on the table in front of me. I hand it to Twilight, who starts to read it out loud.

"'Princess Celestia, I would like to talk to you about Equestrian technology. I believe I can assist in developing technology due to my technical knowledge. I sincerely hope I can help push Equestria into a modern age. Yours truly, Peter...'" Twilight pauses. "'Kenpachi-Ramasama'? That's your full name? Peter Kenpachi-Ramasama?"

"Yeah, it sucks I know," I mutter. "But it's the name I was born with, and it's the name I'm gonna keep."

"Okay," Twilight responds innocently. "So, I'm guessing you want me to send this to Celestia?"

"Yeah," I sigh. "I'm hoping to land a job in technological development, y'know?"

Twilight nods. "Okay. Well, this letter is very well-written - I'll have Spike send it, along with a good word of my own."

I stand from the couch with an excited grin. "Really!? Oh, thanks Twilight, you're the best!" I accentuate this expression by throwing my arms around her in a tight hug. She coughs as she attempts to pry my arms off of herself.

"Can't...breathe..." She wheezes. I let go of her with a blush and a sheepish smile.

"Heh, sorry," I mutter. "Anyway, thank you so much - this really means a lot to me."

Twilight nods. "No problem. I'll go ahead and write out my good word, and have Spike send it immediately."

"Thanks...you know, I'm actually sorta surprised that you're so willing to do this, after how awful I've been..."

"Please, you've only been awful on certain days," she dismisses me. "Besides, even when you are, it's in a playful sort of way."

"I'm glad you guys get that," I sigh in relief. "And thanks, Twi'. I'll be sure to repay you for this, I promise."

"I'll hold you to that," Twilight teases. I grin at her as she goes to her writing desk, and decide to flop down on the couch.

About a half hour later, Twilight stands with a pleased exclamation. She calls Spike, and has him send both scrolls at the same time. We sit with bated breath as we wait for the response.

"You do realize that she won't reply immediately, right?" Twilight asks me.

"Yep."

"And that she's probably very busy?"

"Mm-hm."

"And that we probably shouldn't wait like this?"

"Oh, yeah, definitely."

We return to silence, staring at Spike expectantly. He starts to blush a bit in embarrassment as he scuffs his claws on the wood floor.

"Uh...could you two stop staring?" He asks, meekly. "It's making me feel a bit uncomforta-BLEGH!"

I can't help but laugh, but the laughter disappears as the fire reveals a single scroll with the royal seal. I feel like a rapper with my dapper...fuck it.

I tear open the scroll, and eagerly read the flowing script. After the fourth time reading it over to make sure I got it exactly right, I read it aloud to Twilight.

"'Dear Peter Kenpachi-Ramasama, I am very interested in this subject, and I will breach it with you shortly. Perhaps you and Twilight should come to Canterlot tomorrow so we can discuss a possible position of employment that would suit your knowledge? I sincerely look forward to discussing this with you. Signed, Princess Celestia.'"

Twilight and I are about to start squealing in excitement when Spike burps a second time. I snatch the letter out of thin air, and make sure to keep it away from Twilight after reading the first sentence. It reads:

This is for Peter Kenpachi-Ramasama's eyes only. Nopony else will be able to see these words. Peter, I find your surname hilarious, and I will definitely make sure that each of the Elements of Harmony know it. I don't want Twilight to see this because I don't know how she would think of me if she saw this playful side of my personality. She's a bit pedantic, have you noticed? Anyway, I seem to have misplaced your Element of Harmony. I believe it may have been magically transported to your belongings. That, or Princess Luna is wearing it. She always has liked the Yin-Yang symbol. In any case, I find that I have been rambling for much too long. I look forward to speaking with you in person.

"What's it say what's it say what's it say what's it say!?" Twilight shrieks.

"Hear, read it, Jesus fuck..." I breathe as I shove it to her. She frowns as she sees that it's a blank piece of paper.

"She must've sent this by accident," Twilight mutters. "I'll be sure to send it back to her right away! Oh, and I'll write on it explaining that I sent it back so she knows that I sent it back because she accidentally sent it...wait, what if she didn't accidentally send it!? What if it's intentional!? What if this is a test!?"

I roll my eyes as I mentally agree with Celestia. She is pedantic as all fuck...

"I'm gonna go visit Applejack," I announce. "You have fun with that."

I walk out of the library, shivers running down my spine as Twilight begins to ramble about what the test could possibly be. I accelerate my departure as I hear her hypothesizing that she's got to use magic to destroy it, and that it's enchanted to withstand normal destruction spells.

I think that's the last time I'll ever send mail again.

Peter and Rainbow Have a Chat

I smile at my friends in the library.

"So, what's the big news?" Rainbow Dash asks.

"I'm going to be staying with Princess Celestia for a little while," I reveal. The ponies all gasp in surprise, except for Twilight. "We spoke about it through lengthy letters. I'm going to be staying there until we get the department for technological development really rolling."

"Department for hooza-whatsitz?" Rainbow Dash asks.

"The department for technological development," I respond. "She wants to put me in charge of it. Of course, we're gonna have to have an extensive interview before that - and depending on how that interview goes, I may not be gone that long at all."

"Oh, I hope you do well!" Fluttershy announces. "I'm going to miss you, but I want you to be happy..."

"Yeah, me too," Rainbow Dash immediately adds. She doesn't sound particularly motivated, however. I look her over, and realize that she seems to be a bit...dejected? Whatever...

"So, I'll be leaving tomorrow," I announce. "So if any of you wanna hang, today's the day to do it."

Rainbow immediately perks up. "Oh, sweet! Peter, we've totally gotta hang today."

I frown at the cyan Pegasus. "Rainbow, just yesterday you were hating on me for having a 'bad attitude'."

"Yeah, but I wanna see if you kept your word on improving," Rainbow responds. "Now, c'mon - there's something I wanna show you."

I nod with a cocked eyebrow as she darts out of the library. I look to her friends in the room, hoping for some sort of answer. I only get one from Rarity, as all the others just shrug in response to my questioning gaze.

"Perhaps she wants to show you a stunt," Rarity informs me. "Or, perhaps she's...interested in you..."

I blush and barely have time to refute that ridiculous claim as Rainbow Dash pops her head back into the library with a small smirk. "C'mon, what're you waiting for?"

"Uh, be right there," I sputter. I look to the ponies with a shrug. "I guess I'm hanging with Rainbow for today, huh?"

They nod. "Y'all go have fun, pard'ner," Applejack suggests. "If anythin', we can talk later t'day, or early t'morra'."

I nod, and follow Rainbow Dash out the door after hasty farewells. I notice that Pinkie Pie is tapping her hoof to her chin in extreme concentration and thought.

After about twenty minutes of walking, Rainbow and I come to a hill overlooking a beautiful plain. Rainbow Dash smiles as she hovers a few yards above the crest, and I sit on a natural rock formation that makes a great seat.

"So, I wanna show you a few tricks, prove to you how awesome I am so you won't forget while you're away," Rainbow announces. "Hold onto your butt!"

I nod with a small smile, and prepare to be amazed.

And I am amazed. As she twists, rolls, and flips, all I can wonder is how the fuck does she manage to keep track of all of the vectors involved? I mean, she told me that she pretty much determines the force and everything on a dime so she can properly adjust her path, but I thought she meant for when she's planning out her tricks. When it comes to this...she's just flying, and using whatever forces are available to do some of the most amazing tricks I've ever seen. Even professional plane-stuntmen wouldn't dare try half of this crap.

"That was amazing!" I cry as Rainbow finally alights next to me. "So you were determining all the vectors as you went!?"

Rainbow smirks. "Well, duh. I had to make sure my velocity and acceleration weren't going in opposite directions when I was climbing, but I also had to make sure I wasn't accelerating too much, or I'd end up gaining too much speed and reaching the parabolic crest too quickly..."

I grin at her. "And you say you're not a bloody genius," I muse. "You're a fucking braniac."

Rainbow blushes with a cute, meagre smile. "Aww, shucks - I'm not that smart. If you want smart, you should hit up Twilight - she's a total egghead."

"Nonetheless, you are an amazing flyer and an even better physicist."

Rainbow giggles a bit. "Aww, thanks. I guess I'll have to put 'best physicist in Equestria' on my resumé, huh?"

I smirk. "I wouldn't be too sure about that, Rainbow. I might take the cake on that one."

"Fair enough," she responds with a shrug. Surprisingly, she lets out a puff of exertion and uses a wing to wipe some sweat off of her brow - she didn't seem to be tired at all. "Man, that was a good workout..."

"I bet it was," I remark.

"Yeah...anyway, uh...the girls will probably wanna talk to you..." Rainbow informs me. She seems to lose a bit of her pep as she speaks. Kicking at a pebble on the ground, her wings tuck in tight to her sides. "So, you know...you should probably get going..."

I frown as I plop down onto my ass in front of her. "Rainbow, is something the matter?"

"What? Nah, nothin's the matter. I'm Rainbow Dash, remember? I don't let dumb stuff bother me..."

I roll my eyes. "Damnit, Rainbow, I may not know you as well as Fluttershy or Applejack, but I know you well enough to recognize when you're trying to protect yourself. C'mon, Rainbow - you don't have to lie to me. If there's something you wanna talk about, just say it."

Rainbow sighs with a light chuckle. "Yeah,I wish it were that easy..."

I rest a hand on her side. "It is," I inform her. She looks to my hand with a light frown.

"It's not at all," she responds. "Opening up to friends is something I don't...well, I don't know how to do it."

"You're opening up to me right now," I inform her. "Well, at least a little bit. So you obviously know how to open up."

"Yeah, but this is different," Rainbow sighs. "I'm able to open up to you a bit because you're so much like me, y'know? So it's almost like I'm talking to you as my brother..."

I suck in a sharp intake of air. "Oof, brother-zoned," I playfully mourn. "Gah, that's worse than the friend zone..."

Rainbow chuckles lightly. "Hey, I could've sister-zoned you."

"True, true..."

She smiles at me. "You seem like you took our talk yesterday to heart."

"Hard not to, when you punched it into my veins," I mutter. She giggles lightly.

"Well, I was angry."

"I get it," I respond with a shrug. "And yeah, I did. I'm gonna act a bit nicer from now on. Starting with you. Now, don't think I didn't notice how you shifted the subject - you're gonna tell me why you seem to be so down today, whether you like it or not."

Rainbow sighs. "Yeah, but...it's stupid," she mutters. "It's something that honestly makes no sense to me..."

I shrug. "Oh, come on," I urge. "Tell me that anything I've done while we've known each other has made any fucking sense to you."

Rainbow snickers. "That's true, you are pretty fucking random..."

I nod as I give her a hearty pat on the back. "Damn straight. Now, come on, Dash - tell me what's eating at you. If you don't, I'll tell everypony that you're depressed because you were dumped by your transexual girlfriend."

Rainbow Dash gives me a harsh glare. "You wouldn't dare."

"Oh, I would."

"Fine. Then I'll tell everypony what your full name is."

I cringe. "You already know what it is?"

"Yeah. Spike told me, Peter Kenpachi-Ramasama."

I don't know what, but something causes me to snap. I've been trying to get Rainbow to tell me what's got her so down, but all she's doing is saying the minimum and skirting around it. So, I decide to brute force it out of her.

"God fucking damnit, Rainbow Dash, just tell me what the fuck is eating at you!" I breathe, incredibly exasperated. "I mean, come on! I'm trying to be your friend here, but you're just pushing me away! I understand that you have a hard time opening up to your friends, but I'm not a normal pony, Dash - I'll fully understand anything you have to say. Now tell me why you're so down and I'll help you out!"

Rainbow Dash remains silent throughout my explosion. Without looking at me, she straightens up, and tightens her jaw, giving her a rather stony expression. After taking a deep breath, she finally tells me what's wrong.

"I don't want you to go."

I blink a few times in confusion. "Wh-What?"

"I said I don't want you to go!" Rainbow shouts at me. "I know it'll only be for a little while, but I don't want you to leave!"

I smile at her, as I immediately know what this is about. "Look, Rainbow, I appreciate the sentiment, but...I see you as a friend, okay? And even if I saw you as something more, it would take me a while to accept being with a pony..."

Rainbow Dash stares at me for a moment before sighing. "Peter, this isn't for my sake," she growls. "It's for Fluttershy. She likes you, okay? And I don't want you to forget her while you're gone. She deserves to be happy, and I was hoping that you two would hang out and get to know each other more. That's why I wanted you to improve your attitude - I didn't want you hurting her."

I blink in surprise a few times. "Rainbow, I-"

"And it sucks that you'll be away for so long, because by the time you come back, she might not like you anymore. But she likes you, and I want her to be happy..."

I rest a hand on Rainbow's shoulder. "Yeah, but I don't like her like you say she likes me," I inform Rainbow. "Yeah, I care about her, but...I'm not the right guy for her. She deserves to be happy, and while I'd love to make her happy, dating her is not the right way to go. I'd only end up hurting her, 'cus I'd be stringing her along in hopes that I'd eventually develop feelings for her."

Rainbow blinks in surprise. "You seem to have put a lot of thought into this," she announces.

"It's happened to me before," I respond with a dismissive wave of my hand. "This girl was so shy, but I knew she liked me. So I asked her out because I wanted to make her feel better about herself. I ended up dating her for a year and not even liking her. In the end, it broke her heart when she realized that I was only doing it because she liked me, and not because I liked her. She was so upset that I had been pretending the entire time..." I shake my head with a bitter sigh. "If I were to do the same to Fluttershy...I would never be able to forgive myself. And I already have the first time burned into my conscience."

Rainbow nods. "Alright. I understand." She smiles at me. "You know...maybe you're not as bad as I thought you were. You act like a jerk sometimes, but you're actually really nice..."

I smile at Rainbow Dash. "I'm a complex guy, sweetheart," I remark. Rainbow smirks at me.

"I bet you are."

We share a light chuckle, and I decide to lie down on the grass and watch the clouds. Rainbow Dash stretches before standing, and nudging me in the side.

"C'mon," she urges. "I wanna show you a game Applejack and I play."

I cock an eyebrow at the cyan Pegasus. "Oh? And what game would that be?"

"'Piss Applejack the Fuck Off'," she responds. I snicker as she explains the rules. "All you gotta do is piss her off. I usually play alone, but now we get to have points. Getting her to roll her eyes is one point. Getting her to tell you to leave her alone is three. Getting her to shout at you is five. And if you get her to chase you, you get five points each minute you keep away from her; ten if you've got her hat."

"But you can fly," I point out. "You'll definitely win that bit."

"Then no wings," she promises.

I grin. "Alright. Let's go."

We set off, the both of us hatching individual plans to irritate the farm pony.

New Arrivals, Old Returns

Forenote: this skips over about two months or so.

I grin to myself as I recline. Man, clouds are the best...

I mean, they're made of water vapor, which means that they've got almost no density. A body laying on it should cause it to immediately dissipate, but trust me, that's why they're so awesome: every cloud we make is made out of specially treated puffiness that allows for it to be softer than the softest pillow. I mean, it's sort of risky, because there's a lot of nuclear waste from the process, but seeing as how hydras actually love the stuff, there's a good way to get rid of it...

Plus, it's good because I get to take the best naps ever on these things! Only something really loud and obnoxious could ever disturb me from my wonderful-

"Behold! The Great and Powerful Trixie!"

Ugh...speak of the devil, and he shall come.

I peak my head over the cloud to get a glance at what's going on. I see that there's a big wooden stage with some unicorn grinning at a crowd of gawking ponies. I decide to check it out, and I land amongst my friends.

"Oh, a latecomer," the showmare unicorn announces. "Perhaps you would like for Trixie to make you even faster, hm?"

"No, thanks," I respond. "I prefer to get faster through physical training."

"Ah. In that case, Trixie must say that she is supreme over you, for I can use magic to be better!"

I cock an eyebrow at her. I thought it was just an act to make some bits, but now I can tell that this asshole is a total bitch...

"Yeah, whatever," I dismiss her. "You could never hope to be half as cool as me~!"

"Oh, is that so!?" She cries. "Well, the Great and Powerful Trixie will - "

"BLEAAAGGGHHH!!!"

Even Trixie falls silent as Spike burps out an impromptu letter. Twilight hurriedly opens it, and gasps as she reads it.

"It's a letter from the Princess," she explains to us. Trixie's eyes widen, and I grin at her defeat. "Peter's on his way back!" She declares with a grin. I smile, and give Flutters a quick, teasing nudge.

"Bet you're happy to hear that, huh?" She blushes.

"Come on, let's go wait at the train station!" Twilight shouts as she begins to sprint away. The rest of us follow her, leaving behind a befuddled crowd of ponies and a very frustrated showmare.

Peter

I yawn with a stretch as the train finally comes to a stop.

My duffel bag jingles with the bits contained within, as well as the headphones Celestia gave me as a gift. It turns out she speaks with the guy who actually opened that door for me to enter this universe, who I call the Suited Man. He decided to let me have something, and that something is my iPod touch. Apparently, he does things like that quite often: when someone goes into another universe and has to start a new life, he gives them artifacts of their past.

Anyway, as the train comes to a stop, I walk towards the door and wait for it to open. It finally opens, and I'm immediately met with an explosion of voices, a Party Cannon, and a few vicious hugs. I giggle and laugh along with the ponies as I greet each of them in turn.

"Hey, Twi'; hey Spike," I start.

"So, how was it? Did you like it in Canterlot? Did Celestia like you? Did you talk to Luna? How is she?"

"I'll tell you later," I announce as Spike rolls his eyes. "For now, I just wanna say hi to all of you and go take a nap."

She nods, and I turn to the next.

"Yo, what up Dash," I announce with a grin. We bump fist and hoof. "Everything good?"

"Damn straight!" She responds with a cocky grin. "I've been savin' my best pranks just for you!"

"I'm counting on it," I respond with a smirk. "Hello, Rarity."

"Hello, Peter. Glad to see you're whole and happy. How was Canterlot?"

"It was awesome," I respond with a smile. "I'll tell you all about it later."

"Oh! Me! Me! Say hi to me next!"

"Hi, Pinkie Pie."

"Yay!" The pink pony squeals before bouncing away. I watch her go in amusement and confusion.

"Hey, Applejack," I say next.

"Glad ta' have ya' back," she announces.

"And hello, Fluttershy," I say at last. I give the timid Pegasus a soft smile, and she smiles in return without so much as a blush.

"Hello, Peter," she responds. "I'm glad that you were happy in Canterlot. I hope you'll be happy here, too."

I nod. "I appreciate it," I respond. "Now, Twilight, could we go back to the library? I want to take a nap before I buy a house..." I shift the weight of the bag so they hear all the bits I've got. "The job had fucking amazing pay."

"Language~!" Rarity reminds me.

"Should I say it in Spanish?" I tease. She grumbles a bit before sighing in defeat.

I'm about to wave goodbye to them when they decide to accompany me to the library. I smile at the prospect, and occasionally glance at Rainbow Dash, who is flying next to me and occasionally pulling off minor tricks, presumably to keep herself entertained. I smile as she teasingly sticks her tongue out at me. Man, I missed having her around...

We're about ten feet away from the library when we're stopped by a blue unicorn hopping in front of us.

"Halt!" She declares. "The Great and Powerful Trixie shall defeat this beast!"

I cock an eyebrow at her. "By 'this beast', I assume you mean me?"

"But of course! If you are this 'Peter' these fools speak of, then surely defeating you will prove that I am the greatest of all unicorns!" She lets out a mad cackle to boot.

My shoulders sag as I let out a tired sigh. "Oh, come on," I mutter. "Not even back for five minutes and the stupid fucking shit starts up again..." I shake my head. "This is exactly what I wanted to get the fuck away from: random bullshit with no rhyme or reason. Almost every god-damn day, Pinkie was dropping a cupcake onto my nose and-"

As if on cue, a cupcake falls onto my nose and begins to balance on the very tip. I roll my eyes as I feel physics screaming and rolling in its live grave.

"And balancing it so that I have to eat it..." I grumble in completion. I tilt my head back, and let the cupcake fall out of the paper wrapping (which somehow remains on my nose) and into my mouth. I chew for a moment before swallowing, and once it's down, Pinkie Pie wraps her forelegs around me in a tight hug from behind.

"D'you like it? Huh huh huh?"

"I love it," I respond with false glee. "Now, could you let go of me? You're breaking my sternum..."

"Oh? Duh, of course, okay!" She lets go, and falls to the ground with a flompff.

"Yeah," I sigh. I turn back to "Trixie the Great and Powerful" with a tired yawn. "Just...can we do this another time? I've got to rest, I just came back from Canterlot, I'm tired as all hell..."

"Fine, then!" The unicorn cries. "When Trixie has completed her beauty sleep and her preparations, she will come to fetch you!"

"Yeah, yeah," I grumble. "Can I just go now?"

"Begone!" She cries, pointing to the library with a dramatic hoof. I roll my eyes with a scowl as I continue to slump my way there.

I'm about to walk into the guest bedroom for a nap when I remember something I decided I wanted to say to somepony while on the train.

"Rainbow, can I talk to you for a sec?" I ask.

"Uh...sure," she responds as she lets the door close behind Fluttershy, Appplejack, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie. "What's up?"

"In here, please," I mutter shyly as I point to the bedroom. She frowns, but follows me into the room nonetheless. She begins to get a bit restless as I close the door.

"Whoa, what's going on?" She asks. "What're you trying to do, Peter?"

"Can you keep a secret?"

"Uh...yeah, duh," she responds, matter-of-factly. "I'm the best at keeping secrets.

I nod as I take a deep breath. My heart races, and my hands grow clammy.

"Out of all of you," I begin, my voice small and my throat dry, "I missed you the most..."

The Accident

I have a story to tell you. And by you, I mean my subconscious due to the fact that I'm desperately trying to keep my thoughts in order without passing out.

Alright...so, when I left Canterlot - no, before I left Canterlot - I agreed to be a guinea pig for an experiment. The experiment would allow me to be immune to the effects of alcohol for a short amount of time. That short amount of time ended just as I got into the library, and the vodka I had used to test the product had really hit. Hard. Still don't know why I agreed to that test.

Also, it may result in cognitive decay. Or something like that. Which is why I have to go over what's happened within the past few hours in my head.

And then something happened with Rainbow, I don't know what...uh...maybe I insulted her? I dunno, Twilight said she was pretty ticked...

Also, she stole my fucking iPod. Who the fuck does that!? I guess I must've really pissed her off...

But still, who the fuck does that!?

Anyway, I've got to go apologize to Rainbow now for...something, but I've got to explain all this crap to Twilight first, who is acting really concerned for me and in all honesty it's super fucking creepy.

"Uhm...are you okay, Peter? You've been staring into space for the past few moments, and...I'm getting worried..." She leans a bit towards me, and I shake my head to bring myself back to reality. I quickly explain what had caused me to be drunk, and she nods in understanding.

"Oh, alright," she announces. "Uh...I guess you'd better go apologize to Rainbow Dash, then..." She bites her lower lip as she moves away from me, and I frown as I look at her.

"Yo, Twi', what's up?" I take a step towards her, and she lets out a squeak of protest.

"No! Please, go apologize to her..."

"Uh...why are you acting all skittish?"

"Because if I don't, I'm afraid I'll beat the shit out of you for doing whatever you did to Rainbow!" She finally shouts at me. "I know I'm not normally angry, but it ticks me off that you insulted her so much!"

"Yeah, sure. Like you could beat the shit out of me," I scoff.

Twilight scowls at me, and uses magic to lift up a book. I nod and, without a word, make my exit.

"Hey, have you seen Rainbow Dash?"

"No, sorry."

"Have you seen Rainbow?"

"Nah."

"Hey, have you seen Dash anywhere?"

"I think so..."

"Where?"

"I think she was headed towards Whitetail Woods. She looked pretty shaken up."

"Wait, really?"

"Yeah. I kinda wish I knew what happened."

"I'm actually going to head over there right now," I announce. The orange filly nods in consent. "Thanks, uhm..."

"Scootaloo," she responds. "My name is Scootaloo. And make sure you don't upset Rainbow Dash, okay?"

"Uh...yeah," I respond, slightly weirded out by the kid's protectiveness for the cyan Pegasus. "Seeya later, Scootaloo."

"Bye!"

I sprint over to Whitetail Woods, and immediately delve in as I search for the cyan Pegasus. I see signs of her here and there - a small feather lying on the ground, or even just a...

What the hell?

I stop to examine the area of broken branches, and the small amount of blood. I see hoof prints leading off from the obvious crash site, as well as a line dragging in the dirt. I roll my eyes as I realize what this means.

She crashed again.

I hurry to follow the trail, and eventually burst into a small lakeside area. I find Rainbow Dash, oblivious to my presence, carefully washing down a wound on her left wing. Blood seeps off, and she seethes as the water flows over the gash. I call out her name, which startles her a bit.

"Peter!" She exclaims. "Uh...what are you...how'd you find me? And...you're not drunk anymore?"

I quickly explain the product I had tested, and the orange Pegasus that gave me a tip.

"Heh...yeah, that's Scootaloo for ya...always tryin' to make me happy..." She smiles at the ground for a moment before shaking her head. "Whatever...uh, so...are you here to apologize?" She asks, seemingly embarrassed by the subject.

"Yeah, but I can do that later," I announce as I approach her. Without asking permission, I quickly examine her body and find that her left foreleg has been injured. "We've got to get you to the hospital, this looks pretty bad..."

"Please, I've had - GAH!" She nearly collapses in pain, and I wince as I see a small bit of bone protruding from her wing. "Yeah...let's go to the hospital..."

"You sure you can walk?" I ask as I hover around her in anxious concern.

"Yeah, it's fine..." She responds as she grits her teeth and begins to drag her wing. She lets out sounds of pain, and I sigh as I pick her up, forcing her to walk on her hind legs so I can support her. She doesn't protest and immediately tries to get her balance. Once she has, she gives me a weak smile and a few words of gratitude.

I nod as we begin to haul ass towards the hospital. Or, at least, as much ass as we can haul when she's injured like this.

We're right by the outskirts of Ponyville when Rainbow Dash's hind right leg gives out. She lets out a cry of pain, and I tenderly pick her up to carry her.

"Why didn't you say anything about your hind leg?" I ask.

"Because...I didn't wanna make you have to carry me," she responds, a blush creeping across her face. "I look dorky..."

"Oh, shut the fuck up," I growl. "Start worrying more about your damn health than your rep, okay? Now, tell me if your wing is being bent."

"I can't feel it...so it doesn't matter..."

I nod. "Well...that's good, I guess," I mutter. I begin to jog towards the hospital, and a spike of panic sears up my spine as Rainbow Dash's eyes begin to close.

"Fuck," I mutter aloud. "She's losing a lot of blood..." I suddenly understand the true severity of the situation as I realize that she may have internal bleeding. With a sound akin to "meaarhk!", I begin to carefully sprint towards the hospital, taking any and all shortcuts I can think of. Ponies that I pass are stunned by the blood trailing behind me, and a few start to follow me to ensure I get to the hospital as quickly as possible.

About an hour later, I'm wringing my hands in the waiting room as the rest of the ponies nervously await the news. Fluttershy begins to sniffle and cry, but I don't really notice as I'm too preoccupied watching as a few staff members clean the blood that Rainbow had left on the floor.

I shudder as I remember how much blood Rainbow had left on me. My shirt was soaked, and it had run down to my pants...thank goodness that one of the doctors was able to use magic to get rid of the blood, or I'd be freaking out right now...

"Peter...d'ya know if RD will be okay?" Applejack brings me out of my reverie. I see out of the corner of my eye that Pinkie is trying to cheer Fluttershy up. "Ah mean...th' doctor said that this was 'er worst crash yet..."

"Holy shit, really?" I ask, absolutely stunned. "Fuck..." Rarity doesn't comment on my language as she shakes in her seat.

"Well...do you think she'll be able to recover?" Twilight inquires.

"Why're you asking me?"

"Because you're the only one who saw her injuries. How...how bad were they? I mean, the doctors will tell us, but not until they're done stabilizing her..."

"The bone in her wing was showing," I reveal. "Her foreleg was broken; and I'm pretty sure she did a number on her ribs...might've crushed them."

Twilight cringes, and Rarity expresses her distress. "Why must we speak of this? I would rather know what truly ails my friend from a professional, not just guesstimations from another friend who is just as worried as I am!" I cock an eyebrow at her. "Er...as we are..."

I roll my eyes, and look up as a doctor comes through the door with a clipboard. I cross my fingers in hopes that if he's coming to us, he has good news.

Fortunately, he just walks right past us and up to a totally different pony. The news delivered seems to be very good indeed, as the unicorn grins and lets out a sigh of relief.

I really hope I get to do that soon...

"You're all friends of Rainbow Dash?"

I turn in surprise. I hadn't seen the doctor enter because I was watching the other doctor. We all nod in agreement, and I feel a bit of fear culminating within my stomach.

"Well...she's very badly injured, and...she's lost a lot of blood," the doctor starts. "There was a lot of internal bleeding, and...well, I'm afraid that there's not much more we can do for her.

A collective gasp spreads throughout the group, and I feel tears brimming behind my eyes. "So...you mean she's...gonna...die?" I ask, unable to think logically beyond the pain and shock.

"Wait, what? No, I mean that we've done everything we can. She's stable." The doctor replies with a bemused expression. I scowl at him.

"Well, why the buck didn't you say so in the first place!?" My eyes widen as Rarity uses such offensive language. "You scared me half to death!"

The doctor doesn't reply. "Would you like to see her?" He offers.

"Yes!" We all shout in unison. He nods, and starts to lead us towards her room. We arrive at Rainbow's room within moments, and I'm immediately sitting in a chair next to her bed. Thank goodness for chairs, I didn't want to have to stand throughout the entire visit...

Especially since she's unconscious.

"She's suffered several concussions and trauma to her frontal lobe," the doctor reveals. "We've put her into an artificial coma that will last until the swelling in her brain goes down."

I gulp as I stare at her, and my heart races. Twilight asks a question, but I don't hear her. I just stare at the oxygen mask, the intravenous tubes, and the heart rate monitor.

My lower lip begins to tremble, and tears begin to form. She's like this because of me. Because I did something that got her so upset that she ended up crashing...and now, she's right here, in a coma, and I can't apologize to her, let alone even speak to her...

All because of me...

I sniffle a bit, and I hear Fluttershy doing the same. I feel as if I'm about to cry, so to save face I exit the room, and make for the restrooms. I try to find the men's restroom before I realize it's a unisex bathroom. Not what I'd expect in a hospital, but...whatever.

Bracing myself against the marble sink, I begin to cry. Not sobbing, just crying. And not even because it's potentially my fault - but because one of my best friends is in a coma...

A million scenarios race through my mind as paranoia takes over. I imagine her somehow dying in her coma, and I can't take it - I break down. Still not sobbing, but I have to brace myself more to stand.

And that's when hope begins to shine.

In my mind's eye, I see Rainbow's eyes fluttering open, and I see myself excitedly grasping her hoof as she comes to. I get lost in my imaginative moment, and I end up imagining my lips on hers as she finally wakes up...

Wait, the fuck? Did I really just...

I look at myself in the mirror, and I scowl. I can't believe I thought of her like that - when she's in a coma...it's completely innapropriate, and disgusting to boot. Because it's taking my distress at a friend being unconscious and changing it into the perception of romance - which would be completely wrong. There's nothing but friendship between Rainbow and I, and for my mind to try to soothe itself by putting me in the shoes of a relieved lover is awful. I have no feelings for Dash, and she deserves someone better than me anyway.

But I do care about her...

My musings are interrupted as I see Fluttershy enter the bathroom through the mirror. I immediately wipe away my tears so it doesn't look like I was crying and start to wash my hands.

"Hey," I announce, trying to keep my voice steady. It doesn't work well, and Fluttershy knows that something's amiss. She frowns as I turn, and start to wash my hands. "Are you okay?"

She solemnly shakes her head. "Are you?"

"Yeah," I lie.

"You look like you've been crying."

I gulp as I rub my eyes a bit. "Uh...allergies..."

"Oh..."

I nod, and emotions begin to come forth as Fluttershy watches me in genuine concern. I immediately abandon ship under her gaze. "I'm just...scared," I admit with a blush. "I mean...she's in a coma, and...we don't know whether she'll be okay or not, and..." I gesture as my voice gives out and tears force themselves through my ducts. I rub them away, and don't bother to try to pass it off as allergies this time.

"I'm scared too," she informs he as she approaches. "You don't have to be alone when you're scared, you know..."

I smile at her. "I know," I respond. "It's just...I don't like crying in front of others..."

"You can cry in front of me," she immediately offers. She blushes as she retracts. "That is...I mean...if you're okay with that, of course..."

I smile at her. "I am."

She smiles before pulling me into a gentle, tentative hug. When I return the gesture, she tightens her embrace into a more confident hug. I smile as we begin to part.

"Thank you," I say softly. "I needed that..." I pause for a moment as I admire her. "You came in here to help me," I recount, "even though you were crying, yourself...",

She nods. "I thought you needed me," she explains.

"Maybe we just needed each other," I suggest.

She smiles, and nods. "Maybe..."

I smile at her as I release the embrace. "Now, come on," I urge. "We've got a friend in need."

She nods, and we both exit the bathroom, and I realize how awkward that whole moment was. Especially if somepony had walked in on us, or had been in the stalls...

Well, whatever. Hopefully the girls don't make any assumptions...

Peter's Profound Words

I can't sleep.

No matter how hard I try, I can't sleep. All I can do is stare at the cold, unforgiving ceiling as my imagination runs wild with varying scenarios - all ending with Rainbow Dash's death. I don't even know her that well, and yet...I care for her so much. To know she's in a coma...

I take a deep breath. I need to go for a walk.

I silently dress and slip my shoes on before stealthily exiting the library. With a single shiver in the cold night air, I begin to walk without aim. I simply follow the path.

I eventually see a grassy hill a few meters to my right. Acting upon a whim, I walk to its crests, hands stowed in my pockets as I watch the stars. I stay like that for a few moments before an exclamation rings out from behind me.

"You! Trixie the Great and Powerful has finally found you, coward!" I hear hoofsteps from behind me. "No more hiding behind a mare's tail! You will be defeated tonight!"

I turn to look at her over my shoulder. I consider responding, but decide to just shake my head and return to stargazing.

"How dare you ignore Trixie! Trixie will -"

"My friend is in a coma," I announce. "I'm not ignoring you. I'm just trying to get my thoughts straight."

The unicorn's words stop as suddenly as they had started. After a few moments of silence, dull thuds announce her movements. I look down in surprise as she sits down next to me.

"Then Trixie shall watch the stars with you," she announces. "She hopes your friend recovers soon."

I nod in appreciation as I return my attention to the stars. A few moments of silence pass, during which Trixie simply stares at the night's light.

In a sudden moment of thought, I extend my arm and hold out my thumb. I place the digit over the small sparkle of a distnat star, causing it to disappear from my vision.

"What are you doing?"

"Have you ever noticed how bright the stars are, Trixie?"

Silence. I continue.

"So bright...each one full of its own life, energy, and soul..." I take a deep breath. My thumb remains. "And yet with a single finger, you can snuff out that light. You can end that life; and all it takes is a single finger." I blow air out through my nose as I return my hand to my pocket. "All it takes is a single finger..."

A moment of silence as I stare into the night sky. I begin to speak again after a few seconds.

"Back where I come from, a life can be ended by a single word. A single mis-step; a single mistake could put you right in the epicenter of a fluctuation..." I smile dryly as I remember. "A single minute spent in your study staring at a particle rather than getting a beer..." I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

A few more moments of silence pass. Once I've collected myself, I turn to look directly at Trixie.

"You should spend your minutes more wisely," I announce. "You never know how many you have left."

With that, I turn and continue my journey. Trixie remains on our hill, looking up at the stars with bent ears and wide eyes.

All it takes is a single minute...

Dragonshy

I let out a deep breath as I tentatively rest my hand on Rainbow Dash's hoof.

"I miss you," I conclude. I just finished telling her all about how Trixie had, for the past week and a half, been doing honest work down at Sweet Apple Acres. She had actually taken my advice to heart, and decided to "spend her minutes more wisely". She's trying to save up enough bits to purchase a performers' permit and a few lessons on magic - so she can actually put some weight behind her claims.

During that week and a half, I had been unable to bring myself to visit the cyan Pegasus. I was too torn up about seeing her like this - so weak, so...helpless...

So, I busied myself with purchasing a new home, furnishings, essentials, sprucing the place up, etcetera, etcetera.

I had to return to Canterlot once or twice on royal summons - each one only lasted the afternoon, and I returned the next morning. Each summons was to help with a bit of technology, and I was paid generously each time I did so. (It was the first thing I told Rainbow Dash about.)

The second thing I told her about was how I tried to visit her with Celestia. The Princess had already known of Rainbow's condition, but she had been too busy to visit. Finally, three days into Rainbow's coma, Celestia was able to come down to Ponyville. I tried to go with her, but I couldn't get into the room. The second I saw the gas mask on Rainbow's face, I fell apart...

Of course, it hurts to speak to her without having any response. But it would hurt even more to be speaking to a stone, because at least here I know there's a chance she'll be waking up sooner or later...

A few seconds pass before a pony walks into the hospital room. I look up in surprise as I immediately withdraw my hand from the cyan Pegasus' hoof. I'm met with Twilight Sparkle's concerned gaze.

"Hey," she a announces before approaching. "I heard you were here..."

I nod. "Yeah...decided to finally visit the poor girl..."

Twilight nods. "Well...just to let you know...we've got to go somewhere." I frown in confusion. "There's a dragon sleeping in a cave North of Ponyville - and the smoke will cover this place for hundreds of years to come. I just want you to know where the girls and I will be."

I stand. "I'll come," I volunteer.

"No; I want you to stay here," she responds. "The girls and I have hooves - we can easily scale the mountain. But you...you could end up hurting yourself and put yourself right in here with Rainbow Dash." I cringe at the thought. "You've got to stay here in Ponyville, Peter. Besides, if I fail, I need somepony to watch after Spike until Celestia sends help."

I nod in submission. "Alright. At least let me see you guys off."

She shakes her head. "Can't have that either, Peter. Fluttershy's already terrified to go - she might end up clinging to you if she finds out you're not coming with us..."

I smirk at the idea. "Yeah...well, I've got to go check on the work they did at my house today, anyway. And I think it's about time I let Rainbow have a bit of time to herself..." I cast a glance at her peaceful (not so peaceful) face.

"Alright. We'll see you later on today, Peter."

I nod as I depart with her. We don't speak until we part ways, at which point we exchange our second farewells for the day.

As I walk home, I watch the smoke drifting over Ponyville. I frown to myself as I decide to forgo Twilight's advice, and perhaps use something that I had developed while I was in Canterlot.

I smile as I remember my time in Canterlot. God, Luna's awesome. She takes everything so seriously, but when we started talking about technology, the first thing she wanted was a way to walk up walls! (A model of which I have here, which is what I could use to scale the mountain.) She and I made some awesome stuff together - fully functional light sabers that don't cause bodily harm; a telescope lens that can identify individual stars and constellations (the one thing Celestia fully approved of); boots that let you move like you're on the moon; boots that made you incredibly fast...

Of course, Celestia had me developing serious things, such as a set of finger-like apparatus that let ponies grab things more easily; a telephone; and an automatic cake baker. Most of them had practical uses, but some of them were for economic stimulation - like the automatic cake baker, and the home gaming consoles we designed. (Only one of which was actually commissioned, mind you.)

I walk into my house and flop down on the couch. I turn on my television set and start to watch some of the crappy first tries at Equestrian television shows. They're entertaining because of how much they suck.

Hey, wait...aren't I supposed to be doing something right now?

Oh, hey, the smoke is spreading further...I hope Twilight is able to-

Oh, fuck...

Eh, I'm sure they can handle it. Besides, this show isn't actually half bad...

Thirty Minutes Later...

This show fucking sucks.

I would explain why, but that would mean having to relive it.

I simply turn off the television and toss down the remote in disgust. After much deliberation, I decide to just lay in place and be lazy.

Unfortunately, after five minutes I've got nothing to occupy my mind, which means that a certain blue Pegasus comes creeping in to fill the space. I sigh as I decide to get some alcohol to soothe my nerves.

Two Hours Later...

I'm interrupted from drinking my seventh beer by a knock on the door.

With perfect balance and unmatched elegance, I stride to the door and pull it open. I lean against the wooden portal and take a large swig of my beer - to show that I am, in fact, a civilized gentleman.

I'm greeted by a seemingly disgruntled Twilight Sparkle, whose mane is singed in several areas.

"Hello," I announce.

"You're drunk," she states.

"Why; yes," I respond. "Yes, I am." I know that I'm drunk. But I know how to handle my alcohol. I don't slur words or shit.

"...Well, I thought you'd like to know that we managed to get the dragon to relocate - after it nearly killed us, and Fluttershy decided to grow enough spine for several stallions."

"An impressive feat, no doubt."

She nods. "Yeah. She yelled at the dragon and it flew away."

"Why the fuck didn't she do that in the first place?" A small burp escapes. "Excuse me."

"She was petrified," Twilight responds. "In any case, we're safe. Glad to see you were concerned."

"I don't need you bitching at me," I growl at her. Who does she think she is, barging into my house and being so damn rude?

"Yeah, whatever. Anyway, Fluttershy was here the whole time, and she wants to talk to you about your visit to Rainbow Dash."

The yellow Pegasus meekly pops her eyes out from behind the wall to look up at me. "Uhm...I heard you were sad that Rainbow Dash was in a coma..."

"Of course I'm sad," I respond. "I'm incredibly fucking sad. And I don't want to talk about it."

"Uhm...okay, but could you at least -"

"Get the hell offa my property," I growl at the pair. "I don't need you two dictating to me...now leave before I call the cops."

"O...Okay...I'm sorry, Peter...maybe another time...if you don't mind, of course..."

I nod as I watch them depart. Twilight gives me a vicious glare, so I give her the finger.

Seriously, who do those two think they are? Barging in here and dictating to me what I should be doing...

Gah, the nerve of some ponies.

The Next Morning...

Fuck.

A Slip of Tongue

"So, when will you be back?" Fluttershy asks.

"Ianno," I mumble in response. I shift the bags on my shoulders. "Whenever I'm done, I guess."

"Well, I do hope you bring back one of your products for me to view," Rarity declares. "They seem to be most interesting."

"Uh...Rares, I don't think that'll be happening."

"And why not?" Applejack asks, her eyebrow arched in curiosity. "What, is this some sorta high-secret thang?"

"No, it's not that," I respond, somewhat uncomfortable as I attempt to explain what I'm making. "It's, uh...dangerous."

"Well...dangerous how?" Twilight asks, seeming slightly uncertain. "I mean...what you've made before hasn't been dangerous in the slightest!"

"Well...what I'm making now is designed to be dangerous," I explain. "Didn't I tell you guys that I'm upgrading Celestia's armory?"

"Yes, but I thought you meant with some sort of spear that could be stored easily," Twilight explains. "Just...what are you making?"

All the mares present lean in as the question is posed. I take a deep breath and let it out as a sigh.

"A device that will send a metal 'slug' towards a target at a speed that can puncture skin, shatter bone, and destroy organs," I hastily explain, my voice lowered a bit. The mares' pupils contract, and Fluttershy seems to turn green.

"Oh...well...that doesn't seem very fun!" Pinkie Pie exclaims. "Not fun at all!"

I shrug my shoulders in response. "Yeah, well...spears ain't exactly too civilized. Besides, you can switch out the metal slugs for rubber pellets that will only welt the skin, or even tranquilizer darts. I'm also going to work on a weapon that will shot electricity - only enough to stun a target."

"Uhhhh-huh," Twilight responds. "While it's certainly intriguing...I think that Celestia's waiting for you."

"Yeah," I mutter, realizing I've sort of shocked them beyond further conversation. "But...I've got to go say goodbye to Dash first."

"Of course," Twilight responds with a small smile. "You go ahead and...do that. Yeah. And take your weapons far away...so you don't kill us bye."

With that I'm pushed out of the tree library, and the door is shut before me. I cock my eyebrow in surprise, but decide to shrug it off as I turn on my heel and head towards the hospital.

Three quick raps on the door is all it takes to get Rainbow's attention.

"Hey," I announce.

"Hi!" She chirps with a grin. I can't help but smile at how chipper she is - the morphine she's on is definitely making her much more sociable. "How are ya, Pete?"

"I'm good," I respond as I step in. She sees my bags and asks if I'm going somewhere. "Yeah, I'm gonna be in Canterlot for a little while - working on a new project." Rainbow nods, and motions towards the bedside chair.

"So, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about," she begins. I nod in confusion and curiosity. "You, uh...Well, when I was in that coma, I could totally hear everything around me. You know that, right?"

"No," I respond with a frown. "I...didn't know that at all."

"Oh. Well, I guess you'll be surprised to learn I heard you crying over me that day. And that other day. Oh, and that other day! And that other day, too."

I frown. "Oh..." Is all I have to say.

"I think it's pretty sweet that you care about me so much," she informs me. I blink in surprise. Okay, they definitely upped her Morphine - that's nothing a sober Rainbow Dash would ever say. "And...I know you stayed over that one night..." She blushes a bit, and I blush too. When the swelling in her brain had finally gone down, and waking up from the coma was a potential, I had stayed the first night, just in case she woke up. After that, I was convinced by Applejack to go home. "And...I just wanna say thanks for that. It's not often somepony is there for me like that..."

I smile at her. "Well, I'll be there for you whenever you need me," I inform her. "Trust me. I'll stay with you through anything."

Those last six words seem to silence the room. Even Rainbow Dash in her Morphined state understands the immensity of those words, and the implication behind them. Unfortunately, I hadn't been thinking when I said that, so I begin to stammer my way through an apology. Rainbow Dash simply looks at her hooves and sighs.

"I...I need to think for a bit," she announces. "That was...a bit creepy." A pit forms in my stomach. "I hope you do well with your project, Pete."

I nod. "Uh...thanks. And...I hope you get better soon." An uncomfortable silence spans a few moments, before I decide to just stand up and leave. I hear Rainbow Dash sigh again as I depart.

And for the second time this month, the last thing I think after a conversation with one or more of my friends is:

Fuck.

Antics in Canterlot

Rainbow Dash shifts uncomfortably on her bed. "Well, Peter did say something weird to me before he left," she finally admits. I perk up at that. Perhaps we can finally determine whether or not he's mentally unstable, which is a concern I've had since he told us about the weapon he's making for Celestia. That glimmer in his eyes when he spoke about it...it was just...unnatural.

"Well, what'd he say, darling?" Rarity urges the cyan Pegasus to speak up.

"He..." She blushes, and I cringe. Oh boy, this is gonna be interesting. "He said that...he'd stick with me through anything," she finally mumbles. I blink in surprise, as I'm not exactly sure that's what I had expected. Fluttershy speaks what's on everypony's mind.

"I don't understand - how is that weird?"

"Well...isn't that sort of a romantic thing to say?" Rainbow asks. I'm honestly shocked she knows anything about romance, or that she's openly discussing it with us. Then again, she's on enough morphine to make a minotaur act like a puppy.

"Sometimes," Rarity announces. "But in his case...I think it was just a way to show a friend that he truly cares for her." We all nod our consent, and Rainbow Dash sighs.

"Yeah, but...it felt like more than that, and the way he said it, like...super soft and stuff, it seemed like he really meant it, and it makes me think that he likes me...which sucks, because I know that you like him, Flutters; and I want you to be happy with him!"

We all direct our attention to Fluttershy, who is currently blushing in confusion. "Wait...you...you think I like him?"

"Well, yeah," Rainbow responds. "I mean, you were acting super shy around him and having a hard time talking..."

"Uh, Rainbow? That's...that's how she acts with pretty much everypony she's meeting for the first time," I point out.

The bedridden mare blinks a few times before understanding. "Oh, yeah," she brushes off her mistake. "Good point, Twi'. Totally forgot about that." I nod.

"Well...what're y'all gonna do 'bout it?" Applejack asks, somewhat surprising us. After a while, she had more or less faded into the background - something I would never say aloud.

To her.

"What d'you mean, AJ?" Rainbow asks, innocently.

"Are you gonna ask him out on a date? HUHHUHHUH AREYAAREYAAREYA!!???" Pinkie Pie bounces before Rainbow Dash, who lets out a cry of shock at the sudden outburst and reels backwards into the headrest. Rubbing her head in irritation and pain, Rainbow Dash growls a response.

"No, Pinkie; I'm not going to ask him out! I barely even know him! Besides - he's not nearly as awesome as I am! I mean, he's always so safe and boring!"

"I wouldn't be too sure of that!" Pinkie Pie chirps. "Right now he's working on a weapon that can fire metal super fast and cause a lot of harm and damage that doesn't sound safe at all in fact it sounds super dangerous and scary and I'm not really that excited about it to be honest I'm sorta scared and depressed that a friend of mine would want to make something like that but oh well I guess it's about time the Royal Guards use some competent weapons huh?"

I blink slowly before butting in. "Uh...yeah. Anyway, I think we should leave you to get some rest, Rainbow. It seems like you have a lot to think about - what with how you keep zoning out."

Rainbow nods in an unintentionally dismissive fashion. "Uh, yeah. Thanks..."

I nod, and after we've all said our temporary farewells and wished her a quick recovery, we depart.

Once I get back to the library, I decide to look up what Peter had been talking about. Spike helps me out, as he had to stay here and clean up after a certain burping accident he had this morning - one that destroyed a perfectly good breakfast.

As I search without result, I begin to really hope that Peter knows what he's doing.

Peter

I have no idea what I'm doing,

But it seems to be working, so I'm going to keep doing it.

Without actual modern molds and crap, I had to have a few of my colleagues help me make new ones that would make the proper springs, screws, clips, plastic pieces, and metallic casings that I need.

I want to apologize to the readers here. I had a long hilarious part written out in which Peter meets Cadence for the first time and calls her "Pink Bitch", "Princess Pretty in Pink", and "Pink". But my iPad freaked out and deleted all of it.

Go eat a dick, iPad.

So, instead of detailing all the crap about designing the gun and shit, I'm going to jump right to where Shining Armor is testing out the new model. Enjoy.

Shining Armor, the Captain of the Royal Guard, fires off several shots from the pony-specialized Glock 19. Most of them hit the wall behind the target, but a few hit their mark. I glance over at the Princesses to gauge their reactions.

Celestia seems to be mildly impressed. Luna seems to be very impressed. And some pink bitch I've never met seems to be absolutely ecstatic. But, she seems to be a Princess, and Shining Armor seems to be fucking her (due to the glances they give each other), so I give Shining a curt nod of congratulations.

Once the demo is over, Princess Pretty in Pink starts clapping politely, but stops under the unamused glares of Celestia and Luna. She blushes a bit as she stares at the floor, and I suppress laughter. I explain the gun to Celestia and Luna, and then show off the model I had made for myself. Due to my experience in recreational gun firing and stuff, I'm pretty accurate and hit the chest almost every time. Luna applauds for me a bit, and stops a moment after she starts. I cock an eyebrow at her, and Pink gives her a snide smirk.

Once most of everything is done, Shining Armor approaches me. Celestia dips her head near Luna's, and they begin to speak to each other in hushed tones. "So, uh...you know Twilight, right?" Pink...Princess stands next to him. (I've run out of clever names.)

"Yeah," I respond. "Why? You know her?"

"I'm her brother!" He declares proudly. He deflates a bit. "What, she hasn't told you about me?"

"To be fair, I've never asked her about family," I admit. He nods.

"Anyway, how is she?" The Pink One butts in. (Ha-ha! I knew my well hadn't run dry!) "My name is Princess Miamore Cadenza, and I used to be her foalsitter - but you can just call me Cadence." I nod. That name has a nice ring to it - as does her voice! I immediately start to feel bad for the names I had given her as I notice that she's absolutely beautiful - mostly her voice, but her figure and face as well. It's mostly due to her interesting coloration.

"She's doing well," I respond. "She seems to be loving it in Ponyville."

"I am glad to hear that," Celestia announces as she steps away from Luna. "Now, come, Peter - we have much to discuss. My sister and I have finished conferring, and we wish to speak with you in my study about your invention. Come, Shining Armor. Cadence, if you would..."

Princess Cadence nods before giving Shining a quick peck on the cheek and trotting out of the firing-range chamber Celestia had built for me. We start after her, and end up separating ways after a while. About fifteen minutes later, I'm standing before the Captain of the Royal Guard and the two Princesses. My gun and Shining's gun are both on the table before us.

"Before we approve the use of this weaponry, I want to ensure that it will not end up in the wrong hooves, claws, paws, or even hands. Luna and I have decided that it will be enchanted so only that weapons' lawful and rightful owner could ever utilize it. Does this seem like an acceptable solution?"

"Yeah - of course!" I cry in excitement. "Think of how easy it would be to track down a killer - if only they could ever use their gun, then identifying which gun the bullet came from and finding out who owns the gun will tell you who a killer is!"

Celestia seems to just go along with it - I doubt that had been her original idea. "Now, you said something about making 'rubber bullets' - bullets that could cause welts but not serious damage or death. I would like to be able to easily produce these bullets before any of these weapons are employed by the Royal Guard. I do not wish for any of my little ponies to die unless it is in the name of justice and as a court ruling; and even then I am apprehensive." I nod in understanding. I'd like to say that I admire her devotion to her people, but I actually admire her ability to genuinely bullshit more. Y'know - politicians.

"Uh, by the way," I begin, smiling sheepishly as I approach the desk. Celestia raises an eyebrow at me. "Could I keep my gun? Y'know - for recreational reasons?"

"Pray tell, how in Equestria wouldst thou use an instrument of death in a recreational manner?" I'm pretty sure I don't need to say who asked me that question. (It was obviously the lampshade.)

"Setting up rudimentary shooting ranges," I explain. "Shooting cans...also, I really like guns, 'cus they're totally awesome, so I could just have one to carry it around - with no bullets in it, of course - I would feel like a total badass."

Celestia looks me over a few times before sighing. "Go ahead; take it."

"'Tia!" Luna exclaims. "Surely thou art not going to let him carry this death maker in public!?"

"I've got to agree with Luna on this one," Shining Armor points out. "How do we know he won't try anything?" I frown as I feel slightly insulted.

"He gave us detailed instructions on how to make more for our guards and he's working to improve them so you may use the more effectively," she points out. "If he's smart enough to re-make technology from his home world, I'd say he's smart enough to be wise with his firearm."

I smile as I thank her for sticking up for me. She tells me not to expect it too often, as it was only a statement of facts and she didn't feel like debating the subject with me. I'm a bit disconcerted by that, but I just shrug it off.

After a few more talking points and questions, Shining Armor is sent to wait outside. (He had answered several questions pertaining to handling, so he wasn't totally useless.) Confused as to the necessity of privacy, I voice my question.

"I would like to speak to you about my sister," Celestia responds. Luna blushes a bit. "As you know, Lu-Lu was only recently brought back to this world as her sane self." I nod. "As such, she does not have many friends from the modern age." I nod again. "Therefore, I would appreciate it if you would spend the night with her - not as a sexual partner, but as a friend."

"Soo...you want us to hang out?" I infer, pointing between Luna and myself. Celestia nods.

"But 'Tia! We have so much work to do! Surly thou must know of it!?"

"Yes, I know. And I know that you haven't stopped working in an attempt to win the hearts of Canterlot nobles. It's not like the old days, Lu-Lu: politicians don't care about hard work anymore."

"They never have," Luna mutters under her breath. Celestia ignores her as she makes her final point.

"You deserve - and need - a break."

Luna sighs in exasperation before nodding again. "Fine. But if Our work reaches thine ceiling when thy sun hath risen, ye shall feel the scourge of my wrath."

Celestia giggles lightly. "Oh, I'm sure I will," she teases her younger sister. "Now, go on - go play with Peter."

Luna lets out a grunt of exasperation. "'Tia, We are not a child!" She declares, before huffing and turning towards the door. "Come, Peter - let us leave her to her silly jokes."

I have to hold back laughter as I lead Luna to the chambers Celestia assigned to me while I'm working for her.

Tonight is gonna be...interesting.

Once we're in my room, Luna comments on how it's decorated. I nod in appreciation.

As always, the walls are bare of any decoration, bar the television facing the bed. There's a wardrobe, a dresser, and a double-sized four-poster bed. I don't know why it's double sized - I'm the only one that sleeps in here, after all.

"So, uh..." I peel my sneakers off. "What d'you wanna do?"

"We are interested in what television has to offer," she declares.

"Not much," I grumble in response. "Since it's new, the first shows are kind of stabs into uncharted territories. Most of them really suck - they're, like, crappy sitcoms. Not even eighties crappy - just poorly written and executed."

"Ah," Luna responds. "Well, we would like to experience one anyway."

I nod as I turn on the television and tune it to a channel that plays mostly sitcoms. I flop down on the bed, and Luna lies on her back next to me. I silently thank Celestia for giving me a double sized bed, or this could be very awkward.

A new show starts up - one that's been hyped up in commercials for a week or so - and I can't help but be intrigued. Honestly, it doesn't look half bad. I soon find out that it's not half bad, and is actually rather well done. It seems as though they decided to translate the process used in making plays over to television, so the quality in playwrights is more or less being carried over, too.

The show is about a "mechanic" - if you can call it that - that makes specialized pony-drawn carriages for various clients. Some of the clients are very quirky and want the strangest things, which requires this mechanic to go out and retrieve these odd things. At times, she's taken out of her element when she's doing this and becomes uncomfortable - which is where most of the punchlines reside. Luna and I end up laughing as we watch, and the Princess of the Night sympathizes with the main character, as she herself is far out of her comfort zone as she sits next to me on a bed attempting to relax.

"Well, that wasn't half bad," I admit as the show ends. I switch off the television as I turn to face a still-giggling Luna. "So, what now?"

She looks over at me, and I can't help but notice how pretty she looks like this - smiling and giggling with her eyes shining like the stars within her ethereal mane. For a moment, I'm lost within the beauty of her eyes, but she snaps me out of it with a gentle prod.

"Lost in Our eyes?" She asks with a snicker. I stammer for a bit as I attempt to explain. "Don't worry; We understand. Our eyes contain the night sky, as well - all the beauty of the universe is within these humble irises. When a pony looks into them, they see the whole of the universe and can no longer look away."

"Ah," I repeat, my face heating up as I attempt to avoid her eyes. "Better not look too long, then, huh?"

She giggles. "Yes, or you may lose your will to stop," she teases me. At least, I hope she's teasing. "Ah...that was enjoyable. What shall we enjoy now?"

I scratch my chin in thought before I decide to turn on the gaming console I have hooked up to the television. It's the only console model that was successfully commissioned and commercialized by a company. That company is none other than PonyGames, Incorporated. (Cool name, right?) The console was named the "Pony Entertainment System", or the PES. Ironically, it resembles a Sega more than anything.

"Here," I announce. "Try this out."

She nods as she takes the controller from my hands. After observing the enlarged buttons, made for pony use, she watches the screen as stuff starts to happen. The game I have in the console right now is...weird, to say the least. Since I only made the console and let the company make their own games, and therefore a new gaming culture, I don't really recognize most of the games. However, it seems as though the universe holds constants for video games, as the game that's in the console right now is a sorta weird version of Sonic the Hedgehog.

As most gamers would know, Sonic the Hedgehog was designed as he was to mimic the human anatomy. However, if there were a profound lack of humans in a world, then Sonic wouldn't be bipedal. He'd reflect whatever species made the game.

If there were more than one sapient species in the world, however, then whatever species is idolized in fantasy would be used. So, the species that most ponies find to be "awesome" was made into a blue, spiky speedster that can turn into a ball. And for the species chosen...it sort of makes sense.

Luna presses Start on the controller, and Sonic the Dragon begins. I give her some tips and pointers on how to play, and soon enough she's playing pretty well.

If only I had known...

Two Hours Later...

"Nonono- awwwww!" I shout as I fall to my untimely death.

"My turn~!" Luna chirps happily, haven dropped her regal demeanor as we played. My shoulders sag as I plug the small controller back into the larger one - it's done so that either a child or a species with fingers can play First Player with a smaller controller and not have to unplug the larger one.

"Watch out for that!" I declare, pointing to what's about to spring out and hit her. She deftly avoids it and, with a devilish grin, easily breezes past the part I had died on. "Nicely done," I admit.

"Come on, come on," she growls as she approaches a checkpoint. An enemy randomly hops up from a hole in the ground and she loses all of her rings. She scoffs and groans as she collects a few and then continues. (By the way, the rings constituting your health in this game is rationalized by the fact that Sonic the Dragon is collecting golden rings for his hoard. Losing the rings makes your hoard return to "zero".)

About an hour later, I'm yawning in exhaustion. Luna looks to me with a sympathetic smile as I begin to drift off.

"Alas," she begins, "the nighttime brings sleep, and with it my friends must depart to my realm of dreams."

I blink at the revelation. "Your realm of dreams?"

"Yes. I over watch all dreams, and may intervene if necessary."

I give it a moment's thought. "Hey, we could hang in my dreams," I suggest. "Since you're totally awake, why not do that?"

Luna frowns at me. "Are you sure? To alter your dream to allow for us to enjoy ourselves would be...invasive, at best. And to overtake your dream for my personal benefit...I would be using your subconscious to enjoy myself."

I give her a flat glare. "Luna, it was my idea. You wouldn't be using me. We'd just be hanging out. Seriously, can't you just hang with me in my dream for a bit?" I add on a small pout towards the end. While I am tired, I don't want to stop hanging out with Luna. She's really fun to hang with, even though she could be caustic or hard to understand at times.

After seemingly debating the subject for several moments, she sighs and relents. "Alright," she responds. "Alright...we can continue this game within thy dreams."

I smile at her. "Sounds good," I announce. She blushes as I begin to get ready for sleep.

"You...do realize that...something like this is...intimate?" She asks me. "To spend time within your subconscious during which I'm acting less as your guardian and more as your companion...it could become very intimate, and we could become...attached to one another. In dream and reality."

I shrug that off, too. "Stop worrying and get in my dream already," I sigh. "Jesus, Luna, you've got to stop thinking so much and live a little. I'll see you in my dreams." With that, I nestle into my pillow and curl into a small ball, as I always do when I sleep. I realize how creepy that last thing I said to her sounded as I begin to slowly drift from consciousness. I become aware of a faint glow as I slip away.

Later...

"So...we...did we, like...do anything..."

"No, we did not partake in anything beyond the level of intimacy we have currently achieved."

I nod with a sigh of relief. I don't remember my dream much, but I do remember that what Luna had warned me about had happened. Which is why I ended up waking up to find my arm around the Princess of the Night and my face buried in the soft fur of her chest. She was holding me as I slept, as we had apparently shared very deep secrets in our dream and become cuddle buddies. Luna started to cuddle me in real life due to the emotional attachment she had developed, and I must admit that I'm enjoying it.

"Good," I whisper. I let out a sigh as I nuzzle her chest, blushing as I revel in the closeness between us. I absolutely love cuddling, and whenever I get a chance to, I go all out.

"You seem to be glad," she remarks, seemingly distant. She's removed her forelegs from around me, leaving me to do all the work. Selfish buttface.

"I am," I respond. "I love cuddling, and I remember a few of the things you told me..." I frown as I squeeze her a bit. "I had no idea you were so lonely, Luna. I'm glad that I get to be here for you - because at least you'll be happy."

Luna smiles warmly at me before returning her forelegs to where they belong. I smile as we cuddle, and Luna nuzzles the crown of my head.

"Thank you," she whispers to me. "I was afraid We had alienated you..." I suppress a tsk of irritation as she switches back to the royal We. Again. "We have never had many close friends..."

"Looks like I have the privilege of being one of them," I announce. "Now, shut up and enjoy it."

She giggles lightly before shutting her eyes. I shut my own as the sun continues its ascent. Luna's time to sleep has come, and I will stay with her for as long as I can.

Thank goodness Equestrian society permits close friends to cuddle without being anything more than friends...it makes life so much more...bearable.

Sentiments in Canterlot

I sigh in content as Luna rests against my side.

Before she fell asleep we had shifted positions, and she's now on her back with her head resting on my shoulder. It feels nice to hold her like this.

(Unfortunately, it's also about to get very awkward.)

I'm startled from my thoughts by a harsh yet gentle knocking on the door. "Peter? Are you alright?" I hear Celestia ask. My eyes widen in panic. "And would you happen to know where Luna is? And are you alright? It's almost noon, you know."

"Uh-just a minute!"  I call out as I try to wake Luna up. Unfortunately, it appears as if she could sleep through Hiroshima, as shaking her for a minute results in only a jagged snore and a few giggles.

"Uh...may I come in?" Celestia asks from behind the door. Luna's still on my side, asleep, and I'm worried that Celestia might get the wrong impression.

"Uh...I..."

"Are you..." She pauses. "Peter...let me in." Her voice seems to take on a very harsh tone.u

I gulp. "Alright, the door's unlocked."

"Thank you," she announces as she pushes open the door. When she gets inside, all she sees is me with an oversized lump of blankets next to me. "What's under those blankets?"

"A pillow," I respond. "Helps me sleep at night."

Celestia casts a glance at the clock. "Yes, I can tell." She gently closes the door before turning to face me and lowering her voice. "Is...is that Luna?"

I pale and let out a bit of a squeak.

"It is my sister...isn't it."

I nod with a major blush, and Celestia pulls back the blankets with a snicker. Luna's forelegs are wrapped around me, and I've just noticed that she's starting to drool on my undershirt. I cringe at that revelation.

"Oh, this is priceless," Celestia giggles. "Did she just crawl into bed with you like a little kitten?"

I'm both shocked and relieved, so I answer her question. "Nah, I was sleepy so I told her to hang with me in my dream. She told me something...personal, so I held her hoof for a bit, and we ended up in a hug. I don't remember the rest of it, but I remember waking up as the small spoon."

"What did she tell you?" Celestia eggs me on with a snicker. "About how she used to be afraid of the dark?"

I stare at Celestia for a moment before joining her in incredulous laughter. Once that's died down, I debate whether or not I should tell Celestia, and end up whispering it into her ear.

Celestia pulls back with a frown and steps around the bed to see Luna clearly. She smiles endearingly at her sister before bowing down to kiss her on the forehead. Luna shifts in her sleep and squeezes me a bit.

"I don't get it," I admit.

"Correct me if I misheard you, but...she said 'Celestia and I used to watch the sunrise and sunset'?"

"Yeah, and then she got really nostalgic."

Celestia smiles fondly. "Our mother used to be in charge of both. I didn't even know Luna was that fond of those memories..." She sniffles a bit before gently nuzzling Luna's neck. "Thank you for staying with her, Peter. She deserves to be happy..." She turns her smile towards me. "I just hope you made her at least half as happy as she made me." She sniffles again, and I offer her a hug. Not because I want to hug her, but because I feel obligated to. And I'm really nervous when I do so. You can tell because of how much the castle is shaking.

I'm not good at asking for cuddles. Maybe I should work on that...

I'm surprised when Celestia accepts the offer and gives me a quick peck on the cheek before courteously departing. I smile down at Luna as we're left alone, and hold the allicorn a bit closer as she begins to snore.

I eventually feel a bit of drool leaking through my shirt, and I realize that it's noon and I have work to do.

Peter and Luna Share a Drink (WARNING - DIRTY JOKES AND CONNOTATIONS)

"Art thou sure of this?"

I playfully nudge Luna in the side as the stares down at the bottle I've presented her with. "C'mon. When's the last time you had a drink with a good friend?"

"Over one thousand years ago."

"Even more of a reason to pop that sucker open!"

Luna sighs as I push it towards her a bit more. "Peter, We are not sure that this is a good idea."

"You used the royal We again," I inform her.

"Would you stop lecturing me about that?" She hisses. "And I don't think it's a good idea!"

"Lecturing? When have I ever lectured you about using the royal We?"

"For the past month and a half. Every time we sleep in each others' embrace and I happen to say 'We' instead of 'I', you remind me of the necessity to speak 'properly'." She rolls her eyes. "At times, I wish you hadn't turned nocturnal just so my ramblings could leave me a moment's peace..."

I frown at her as I reach for the bottle. "Fine, then. If you're really so regretful of me shifting my sleeping habits to coincide with yours, I'll just leave."

"Please don't," she immediately responds with an adorable pout. "I would like for you to stay..."

I nod. "Well, that settles that," I announce. "Now, c'mon - you've got to have a few glasses in here, right?"

She nods as she levitates over a few incredibly dusty glasses, with a spider living in one of them. We both eye them for a moment before standing and moving towards the door without giving them a second thought.

About twenty minutes later, we return to Luna's quarters with two glasses for our alcohol. They're both from Celestia's (gratuitous) collection. We sit down across from each other, and I pour out some of the alcohol into each of our glasses.

"You do realize that this will not cause me to become inebriated, correct?" Luna asks. "I can drink ten times more alcohol than that of a normal pony..."

"That's why Celestia gave me special alcohol," I respond as I finish pouring. I grin at Luna's confusion. "I bet you'll like this - it's called Moonshine."

"Moonshine!?" She demands with a grin. "Oh, they named a liquor after me!? How fitting! They can become drunk upon the moon's beauty!"

I'd like to get drunk of off your beauty, my dirty mind quips. I imagine myself rolling my eyes.

That doesn't even make any sense.

Yes it does.

No, it doesn't. You wanted it to be a dirty joke, but it's not dirty at all. You should've replaced "beauty" with "pussy" or something.

But then that'd be too blatant...

Ah, whatever. Just go ahead and do whatever you want, dirty mind.

Affirmative.

"So...what is it, exactly?" Luna asks, tentatively sniffing at the liquid's surface.

"It's extracted from the moon," I explain. "Or, more accurately, from the energy released by the moon when it shines. It's mostly magic, and there's a bit of science in there. Celestia captures the light using some magic crap and then forces the light into a physical, crystallized form using some sciencey-magicky crap and then dilutes that crystal into alcohol using science crap and then makes it into Moonshine. In fact, if we turn off the lights in here, you can actually see it glow."

Luna lets out a small squeal of delight as she magically darkens the room, allowing the light to shine onto our faces. I smile as I see how elegantly yet cutely it illuminates hers. I find myself staring and force myself to look away before she notices, now sporting a small blush. Luna grins as she puts the lights back on.

"'Tis marvelous!" She declares. "It's like a juice from my Moon!"

You know what else is marvelous? The juice from my -

No, no, stop it. Stop right there. You didn't want it to be too blatant, and now you just go ahead and -

apples. The juice from my apples.

Wait...what?

I have real high quality apples. All the dirt in here lets me grow them.

Really? So...no dirty jokes?

What? Nah, I was just saving one.

Run it by me.

Fine. Well, you know how, technically, Luna is the moon?

Yeah?

So, if she says "I'd like to drink the moon's juice" or something, then I'd call Luna the moon and say that I'd like to drink her juice.

Oh, shit - that's actually pretty damn good!

I end up letting out a bit of laughter at the dirty joke I made, and Luna looks to me strangely, lifting her muzzle from the Moonshine. "Inebriated already?"

I shake my head as I put down my own glass of Moonshine. I hadn't even realized I had started drinking. "Nah, I just thought of a dirty joke," I inform her. I'm not afraid to do so, as she loves dirty jokes. Y'know, being the Princess of the Night and everything.

"Oh? Tell it to me."

I smirk as I outline what would need to be set up for it, and as I conclude, she doesn't laugh as I had expected her to. Rather, she heightens her posture and blushes as she stares into her glass. I watch in confusion as she takes a few sips in silence, but I finally understand as I see her wings fighting against her.

My eyes widen as I realize that I just turned on the Princess of the Night.

Huzzah! The fun has been doubled!

"Sorry," I immediately apologize. "I didn't realize that it would, er..."

She shakes her head as she consumes more alcohol. "Don't bother apologizing. It's my fault. And, uh...please, disregard anything I may say - or even attempt - in this state."

I must admit, I'm impressed. She's taking it fairly well. "Alright, " I respond. "Uh...just...y'know..." The blush I've been sporting intensifies as the alcohol causes her to gradually lose the fight against her wings. I find my own "beacon" growing erect at the sight.

Hah-hah! Not-so-dangly parts.

We continue to drink in silence, despite our better judgement. The more we drink, the more likely we are to act upon our hormonal instincts.

"So, uh...d'you like the Moonshine?" I ask Luna. She responds, but as the alcohol takes effect, I find myself slipping away. I blink, and when I open my eyes, I feel like I've been knocked out. By a hoof. To the face. From Big Macintosh.

It takes me a moment to get used to the light flooding the room. I haven't woken up in the morning in a month and a half, ever since I started adapting my sleeping schedule to Luna's...

I let out a groan as I attempt to sit up. I can't do anything, let alone sit the fuck up. Sensation begins to return to my body, and I realize that I'm hungover once I can feel my stomach again.

However, it's when everything is fully back online that I realize I'm not alone.

And that I'm naked.

And that I'm in a bed.

And that I'm in a bed with Princess Luna.

And that she has bed-mane.

And that I am royally screwed.

And that I was doing some royally screwing last night! Hey-oh!

...

What?

Not cool, man. Not cool.

Memories

Man, medical magic is awesome. Mostly because it can heal hangovers. And mostly because it can make sure that I won't have to have a hangover when I face Celestia in the middle of a day court. Remind me to thank the Canterlot Doctor again.

"Ah, Peter - what a pleasant surprise," Celestia chirps as I'm permitted entry by her guards. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Uh," is what I start with. I blush as I scuff at the floor with a shoe. "See, I uh...well, remember that liquor you gave me for Luna and myself to share?"

"Yes," Celestia responds with a curious smile. "Of course I remember it."

"Well...what if it worked?" I ask, nervously. "And...both of us became...intoxicated."

Celestia frowns at me. "What are you getting at, Peter?" I'm about to respond when she lets out a pleasantly surprised "oh!" and greets the next attendee to the Day Court. It's a slow day, which is SUPER convenient.

I wait patiently for the pony to finish, and after a moment, the hall is empty once more. "You were saying?" Celestia asks, joyfully.

"See, I, uh...Luna and I, well...hypothetically, let's say we got drunk and...did something." [Blushing intensifies.] "Like...something you wouldn't exactly approve of."

Celestia snickers at me. "Please, my sister is a goddess, and is fully grown. I don't need to monitor everything she does. I don't have to approve of her actions - " she snaps her attention to me. "Unless, of course, she did something illegal."

"Uh, no, it's just -"

We're interrupted again by a new visitor. This time, he asks about grain taxes. Celestia is very genial with him until he lets slip that it could help his mill get a bit more revenue. At that point, she narrows her eyes at him and shakes her head, and doesn't stop until the pony has left. I can't help but be amazed by how effective that simple tactic is.

"Remind me never to piss you off," I remark with a smirk. Oh, wait...

Shit.

"Oh, that was nothing," Celestia responds. "It's just my way of taking care of stupid requests like that from time to time. Just act like a stone wall, and they chicken out. It's the lawyers that you've got to actually be harsh to." She chuckles lightly. "Oh, I have had some fun with them."

I chuckle at the irony. "Well, Luna and I may have had some...fun, last night."

"Glad to hear it," Celestia responds. "Now, unless Luna is gravely injured, I believe that you should actually be resting - that is, if you would like to continue spending time with Luna. If you find her personality to be too demanding...I would be disappointed, but I would try to tell Luna in a gentle way for you."

"Uh, no, that's not it," I respond, blushing a bit more. "In fact, that's the last thing I wanna do...but, anyway, back to what I wanted to tell you in the first place...see, I think that Luna and I -"

"Oh! Wait a moment, Peter, one of my little ponies has an actual problem, and not one with having too much fun."

Wow. Just...wow. She knows how to push buttons, because boy did that piss me right the fuck off. Having too much fun? Actual problem? Is she serious? If she knew what I think happened, she'd be acting totally differently! If I actually had sex with Luna last night, then that's a complete disrespect to her! Such an emotional and intense connection shouldn't occur in a drunken moment, it should be completely consensual and conscious! Maybe I'm a bit of wet blanket, but whatever...it's part of my ideology, and I'm not gonna change it any time soon.

"Now, back to your issue with my sister," Celestia announces with a sigh as the visitor leaves. "I don't see why you insist upon pestering me with details of your actions last night. If she regurgitated, then that's her own fault. If you regurgitated, then that's also your own fault. Also, how drunk could you have been if you're not hungover?"

"Medical magic," I explain. She nods in satisfaction, and what seems to be nostalgia.

"Well, what is the problem, then?" She asks. "Because, quite frankly, this is a waste of both of our times."

I take a deep breath to steady my nerves before finally spitting it out.

"Celestia, I may have had sex with Luna last night. And before you ask, I don't know if it happened or not, and if it did, it was consensual, but by impaired judgement. I just need to be sure that I actually had sex with her before I approach her about it, because if I didn't and I approach her, I could end up freaking her out or something. I don't know. Because, I'll admit it - I have feelings for your sister. And I really think she's great, and I would do anything to make her happy. And the fact that we may have just...gotten drunk and then 'busy' upsets me, because if I were to be intimate with her, it wouldn't be just for fucking's sake. It would be an act of love and devotion, because that's what it actually is, and the fact that we did it while drunk is disrespectful to her and to her emotions. I don't know what happened, because I ended up blacking out. So is there some way you could, like, unlock my memories so I could be sure of it? And I also want to know if I told Luna that I loved her, because that's what people tend to do when they have drunk sex. And if I did, I need to know, because I need to make things right."

The solar Princess remains silent for a moment as she watches for new visitors. When there aren't any, she sighs and turns to me. "Peter, I'm both disappointed in you and proud of you. I'm disappointed because you came to me first. You should have spoken to Luna about it. But at the same time, I'm proud that you came to me first so you could be absolutely sure, because I understand that you do not want to hurt her. I will gladly unlock your memories, Peter. Once I do so, I want you to go lie down next to my sister. Being in close proximity to her will allow you to remember it more clearly, and perhaps she will remember as a side effect of the spell. Now, stand still as I cast this tricky thing..."

I nod, my heart hammering in my chest and my palms growing clammy.

About ten minutes later, I'm carefully crawling into bed beside Luna. I unconsciously reach for her hoof as I try to remember, and find it surprisingly easy to breach into the past. I gulp as I move closer to her, not wanting to be away from her for fear that such a disrespectful act could be the last I share with her.

I'm quite surprised when my vision goes blank, and is replaced with my vision from last night, right after I had asked her if she was enjoying the Moonshine. I squeeze Luna's hoof before letting myself get sucked into the past.

"Oh, yes, it is...very good," Luna responds, her face flushed and her wings spanned out behind her. She squirms uncomfortably as she attempts to pull them in, but to no avail. She sighs as she gives up, and they reach their full length, causing me to become rather aroused myself.

"Good," I respond, awkwardly. I look back into my glass of alcohol before looking up to see Luna watching me. She seems to have a longing look in her eyes, one that speaks of loneliness and fear. I gulp as I look into her eyes, ignoring the sparkling stars within so I can see into what matters most. She responds by moving her chair around the edge of the circular table so that she's a bit closer to me. I respond in like, and after a small time of doing this, we find ourselves sitting next to each other. We giggle as we realize how childish it seems, but we don't care. As long as we're close.

"Thank you for spending so much time with me," Luna announces. My vision swims for a moment, but the spell forces my memories to stay on track. "It's...very nice."

"No problem," I hear myself slur. Luna looks to me with a small giggle, and I respond in like as I reach for her hoof. She blushes as she looks to me, and I smile at her, my confidence bolstered by the alcohol. "You know, Luna...I really like spending time with you."

She smiles as she sets down the alcohol she's drinking. I down the rest of mine before putting it down. My head hurts a bit just thinking of how much of a hanger I will have/had.

"Luna," I begin, smiling as I turn towards her, leaning my head on her shoulder and wrapping an arm around her waist, "you're the best, and...and..." I feel myself begin to cry, and among the emotions of my memories are my current emotions, which are mostly confusion and embarrassment. God-damn alcohol.

"Shush," she whispers to me. "You have had much to drink..."

"Not that much," I protest.

"You filled your glass ten times."

WHAT!?

"I think it is time for us to retire. The sun is starting to rise, and I do not wish for you to be in pain come night fall."

I nod in thanks, and we move over to the bed. I cuddle into Luna as we lie down, all of my clothes still on. After several moments of that, I notice that Luna seems to be crying. I frown as I reach a hand up to her cheek.

"What'sa matter?" I drunkenly ask.

"I just...I do not wish to lose you."

"You won't," I whisper in response. "I care about you too much to let that happen."

"Yes, but...I...I'm drunk, and being so close to you...not having been with anyone in over one thousand years...I'm just..." She sniffles. "I'm just so lonely, Peter..."

I frown, and I can feel my heartbeat slowing down as I roll on top of her. She's quite surprised by the movement, but she doesn't resist as I look her in the eye, my chest resting atop hers.

"You don't have to be lonely anymore," I whisper to her as I stroke her cheek. "You don't..."

We look into each others' eyes for a moment before the inevitable kiss. My hands begin to explore her body, and her hooves begin to explore mine. Not in a lustful way, but in an emotional way - we want to hold as much of each other as physically possible.

A few minutes into the kiss, Luna begins the stripping process for me. I'm happy to oblige, and within moments, I'm nude atop of her, and -

Okay, that's about enough of that. I think I can safely skip past those memories...

But then again...

Hm...

Oh, what the hell. Luna didn't seem too drunk, so if she can remember it, I should be able to remember it, too.

As Luna and I fall into each other's embrace, holding and nuzzling each other in both of our afterglows, I begin to whisper to her.

"I love you," I whisper.

"I love you, too," she responds.

We kiss one more time before falling asleep, and a little while later, I'm woken up by the sun beating on my eyelids.

I take a deep breath as I look over Luna's form. I wish I had remembered it immediately, it seemed to be so...beautiful. The way I held her, and she held me...it was truly a sight to behold. And, in a way, I do love her.

I just hope that when she wakes, she will hold the same sentiment.

After Effects

"Fuck the both of you."

Peter groans as he presses a bag of ice to his forehead. Luna and I continue to snicker and giggle.

"Seriously, fuck you both. Imagine what would've happened if you hadn't told me that was all a dream?"

"But we did, and that's what counts," I point out, smiling at the poor, stupid human.

"Besides, We are humbled that the alcoholic beverage caused thy mind to entertain a dream in which thou made love to Us."

"You know, that sentence could've been fifty words shorter," Peter points out, clearly not amused.

"Alas, it was not," Luna responds with a small smile. Peter groans again as he rubs his forehead.

"How are the two of you so fucking calm about this?" He asks. "I mean, fuck - you were there, Luna, you saw my dream! And you know what I said! How are you just sitting there like nothing happened!?"

"Because nothing happened," she responds. I nod in agreement. "It was a dream - nothing more. Unless you haven't noticed, We are an expert psychologist - We have to be to monitor dreams like We do. We know that it was just thy lonely unconscious  mind clinging unto Us and Our friendship with you in an attempt to give ye a sense of companionship." She smiles at Peter, and I nod again. "'Tis simple."

"Not to me," he mutters, staring into his mug of tea with a bright blush.

"Why not?" I ask, frowning at him. "I think you're taking this a bit too seriously - it was just a dream! You never made love to my sister, and she most certainly would never give her consent to such an act."

Peter nods, and his eyes seem to haze over, and it looks like he's about to cry before he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, gulps down the rest of the tea he's holding, and slowly stands, keeping the ice pressed to his head. "Well, in any case, I'm not getting anything done just sitting around bullshitting with you douchebags," he announces, jokingly. Luna smiles at him, but I continue to frown in concern.

"That is the spirit We wish for thee to have!" Luna cries. "Go, conquer thy day!"

"Yeah," he mumbles, clenching his eyes shut as he holds his head. "Gah - this fucking hangover...don't you have a spell that could cure it? Like the one in my -" He seems to choke for a bit. "Like the one I thought happened?"

"Yes," I respond, absentmindedly. I barely even pay attention as I alleviate him of his hangover, and nod in farewell.

"What's wrong, 'Tia?"

"Hm?" I look to Luna in surprise. "You haven't returned to your quarters yet?"

"Thou hath been staring into the yonder for the past several minutes - We were worried."

I sigh as I hang my head, my concern weighing heavily on my shoulders. "Sorry, I was lost in thought."

"About what?"

"Peter."

"Why? He seems happy."

I remain silent for a moment, debating whether or not to tell Luna of what I have deduced. When I've come to a conclusion, I look into her eyes. "He's lonely, Luna. I think he wishes what he dreamed had happened - if only so he could have somepony to love. Now, he's back to masking his pain with his...well, to be blunt, usual asshole self. I just hope he doesn't hurt himself too much..."

Luna frowns. "We hope he finds somepony in Ponyville..."

I nod in consent, but I don't say what I'm really thinking:

I pity the mare that gets stuck with him.

Drunk

"So...Peter's back."

"What!?"

I bolt upright at the news, my back hurting a bit from my resting place on the couch. The bandages on my wings shift as I move, and I end up grimacing in discomfort.

"Yeah. I had no idea he was coming back," Twilight informs me. She sighs as she levitates a few books into the shelves. "Apparently, he went to the liquor store, and then to his house. Bon-Bon saw him, but she said he looked like he was in a bad mood, so she left him alone."

"I've got to go talk to him," I announce, picking up his..."iPod" in my mouth as I prepare to leave.

"Didn't you just hear me, Rainbow? He's in a bad mood - he might not want to talk!"

"So?" The iPod falls onto the floor. I sigh in irritation. "I don't give a shit - I need to talk to him - he'll improve his mood if I make him."

"Alright," Twilight sighs with a shrug. I pick up the iPod again. "But don't expect me to bail you out."

I nod, and quickly turn and leave the library, briskly walking through the early-winter crisp to get to Peter's house. Thank goodness these bandages are coming off relatively soon - I don't think I can stand being stuck on the ground and in that library any longer!

When I arrive at his house, I firmly knock on the door and begin to wait. I hear a swig of a bottle, and a low moan as someone stands. I start to tap my hoof in impatience, and when he finally opens the door-

Oh, Celestia...

"You look like shit," I remark with a disgusted scowl. And he does - his eyes are red, his hair is a mess, and his shirt looks like it was attacked by a Chimera.

"Mungh," he responds, leaning against the door frame as he takes a long swig. "What d'you want?"

"I had to talk to you," I inform him. "Can I come in?"

He shrugs, and walks back to the couch before flopping down. I shut the door behind me after I pick up his iPod again. I put it on the table before giving him my best glare. "Do you remember why I took this?"

He looks at me, his face expressionless and mopey before he shrugs. "Nah."

"You tried to make out with me," I inform him. "It was funny at first, because you were drunk, but...you basically attacked me after a while. I knocked you out and took your iPod."

"Huh," he mutters, taking another swig. "Sounds like fun..."

My face turns green as I smell his breath. "It wasn't. I'm giving it back because I know that's not really you - after what you said to me in the hospital, I know you're nicer than that. I'm giving it back because I'm apologizing for -"

"Blah blah blah," he cuts me off, shaking his head with a sigh. He tries to drink more, but realizes that the bottle is empty. He rolls his eyes as he tosses it into a garbage can with seven other bottles before fetching another. "Yeah, okay - when you're done with the stupid fucking bullshit, come back and talk to me."

"Excuse me?" I demand. He scowls at me, and I'm about to start fighting with him when I remember that he's dead drunk. I release a sound of disgust. "You can't go a few weeks without getting drunk, can you?"

He remains silent for a little while before muttering, "maybe not."

I sigh as I turn to the door. "Whatever. It's not my problem anymore. Enjoy being a lonely drunk."

He grunts, and I roll my eyes as I open the door. I'm about to step out when I hear him beginning to sob, and I just...I just can't walk away when a friend is crying.

That doesn't mean I have to be nice about it.

"What're you crying about?" I demand, harshly. "Over what - the fact that you can't go too long without a drink?" He doesn't respond, and I quickly get aggressive. Weeks of being stuck in a hospital and an assload of frustration unload right here, all of it onto him. "What the fuck are you crying about!?"

My shouting triggers something in him. He stands and launches the bottle he's holding at a wall, shattering it and soaking the plaster in alcohol. I take a step back in shock and fear as he turns and begins to roar. "It's just not fair!"

"What?"

"It's not fair! I was happy - I had a life! Yeah, my family sucked dick, but I was fucking happy! I had friends - I had one of the best friends I could ever ask for! I had a job, I had a life, I was happy! I never wanted to come here - I never wanted to fucking be here! I never asked for this! I miss my friends, I miss my home - fuck, I even miss my shit-head family! And now, I'm stuck here, forever! I can't ever see them, ever again - I'm fucking alone! And it's just not fair, because they get to stay - and I DIDN'T WANT TO GO!"

By the time he's finished his tirade, he's backed me against his corner with his face about a centimeter away from my own, his eyes full of fear, pain, anger, and loneliness. I frown as the anger slowly fades, and all that remains is a broken-down form of himself - he begins to sob, and seems to deflate. "I'm sorry," he whispers, unable to look me in the eye. "I'm sorry..."

He brings himself back to his couch, and I slowly come out of my corner, embarrassed and pissed off. But I'm too concerned to really do anything about that.

He curls up on his couch, sobbing into his knees and repeatedly apologizing to me. After a moment of inner debate, I decide that there's nothing I can do but let him sleep it off, and I start to leave. Before I'm all the way out, I stop, and turn back to him, tears burning behind my eyes as I watch Peter - the person I grew to know as being so confident - completely break down. I sigh as my ears flatten against my skull, and I force myself to say four words.

"You are not alone," I announce, softly yet firmly. "You are not alone," I repeat, a bit softer this time, before looking down at the floor for a moment. I wait for him to respond, but all he does is sob. I nod to myself as I exit the house, gently and quietly closing the door behind me as I slowly walk down the pathway. I remain alert, fearful that I might hear him trying to hurt himself.

By the time I've arrived at the library, the sun has completely set. It was noon when I left. It feels like five minutes ago that I left, but it feels like years ago that I watched Peter completely break down.

"How'd it go?" Twilight asks as I walk in. She must've caught a glimpse of my expression before  I managed to mask it. "Oh, Rainbow - what happened? Is everything alright?"

"Y-yeah," I respond with a sigh. "He's just...a nasty drunk." I chuckle lightly, forcing my outward demeanor to be cheerful, yet slightly perturbed.

"Alright," Twilight responds. She nods before turning back to her books. "You should get some rest - that's a pretty long walk, especially since you're on pain relievers."

I nod as I go into the guest bedroom and get comfy. I'll have to see him tomorrow morning, and without my wings, it'll make it tough to get there without my friends noticing.

Fuck - why do I even care so much? Fucking douchebag, making me feel bad for him...maybe I'll just beat the shit out of him.

Lessons

I awkwardly clear my throat as I knock on the door. Within a few moments, it opens, and I behold a broken, sad -

Cheerful, smiling, Peter...

What the hell?

"Why're you so happy?" I ask, edgily. "You were breaking down over being lonely just last night..."

Peter shrugs. "Good morning to you, too," he remarks. "Well, come in - you're letting all the chill in." I frown as I enter, utterly confused. "So, how's your morning, Rainbow?"

"Uh...good?" I sit down on his surprisingly clean couch, and watch as he gets a cloth and starts to scrub away at a stain of alcohol on the wall. "Not as good as yours, though...what happened?"

"I got over it," he responds, his voice chipper and lilting.

"Just like that?"

"Just like that!" He smiles at me, and I do my best to give him a smile in return. This is...weird...

"How'd you get over it so fast?" I decide to ask. "I mean, you were pretty broken up about it - I'd never seen you so...well...I dunno..." I shrug. "Broken is the best word, in all honesty."

"I had a dream," he explains with an enigmatic grin. "Helped me to forgive someone."

"Who?"

"That's personal," he responds. His tone is still happy, but the way he says it is firm enough to tell me that it's strictly out of bounds - especially to myself. So I just nod.

"Good. Would've sucked if you kept moping like that, huh?"

"Yeah," he responds with a chuckle. "Yeah, it would've. Got to live in the now, y'know? If you don't, you may as well curl up and die - if you keep crying over the past, all that will sprout are seeds of sorrow."

I blink, and let loose an appreciative whistle. "Wow. Deep."

He lets out a bark of laughter before throwing his legs over the back of the sofa to sit next to me. I can't help but smile at him, and he reclines on the armrest with a remote control in his hand. "So, what d'you wanna do today? Seeing as how you just got outta the hospital, I'd be thinking you'd like to hang."

I nod. "Yeah, but I promised Fluttershy I'd help her with her animals today..." I smile at him as an idea is born. "Hey, why don't you come with? You haven't said hi to anypony after getting back from Canterlot, so you might as well..."

"Good idea," he responds. "I'll get my coat - it's pretty damn cold out."

I nod, and he stands up with a spring in his step. He clasps his hand to his forehead with a groan. "Hangover?" I ask.

"A bit," he mutters.

"Just a bit?" I laugh at him. "You were so drunk last night!"

He sighs, and I can tell that I probably shouldn't have said that. "I wasn't as drunk as you may think," he mutters. "I remember everything I said to you. I didn't lose control because of the alcohol - I lost control because what I said was true." He looks to me, and for a moment he seems to be sad again. But it's gone as his face is stretched in a huge grin. "But like I said - I'm over it!" He turns, and surprises me with an exclamation that I don't quite understand. "Allons-y!"

"Huh?"

"Allons-y," he responds, turning to look at me. "It's French. For let's go." He frowns as he rubs his chin. "Not sure where I've heard it, though...I don't even know any French..." He seems to zone out for a moment before apparently waving it off as some odd occurrence. I roll my eyes at the weirdo as he gets his coat.

Later, at Fluttershy's...

The three of us laugh around the table, the glasses of hot chocolate Fluttershy made warming our hooves. And, uh...hands.

"It sounds like Canterlot was very fun," Fluttershy remarks, taking a sip of her chocolate. "I can't believe Princess Luna likes video games as much as you say..."

He chuckles. "Yeah, you've got no idea," he muses. I roll my eyes at him.

"So...about...that thing you were going to design..." Fluttershy seems to grow nervous, but Peter keeps smiling. "Did...did you make it?"

"You mean the gun?"

"Y-yes, the gun..."

"Yeah, I made it," he responds. Fluttershy seems to shiver. "They're perfecting it now - making it so that only the licensed Royal Guard it was distributed to could ever fire it. I let them keep my own so they could do the same thing to it."

Fluttershy nods, and seems to calm down. "Alright, that sounds...safe."

"It is. Better than anything we've got back on Earth." He smiles to himself. "Oh, I'm just so brilliant..." He takes a sip, and makes a humming noise. "So, what have you two been up to while I've been gone? I mean, I know you've been grounded, Rainbow - but what have you been up to nonetheless?"

"Well," I immediately begin with a grin and a puffed-out chest, "I've signed up for an upcoming Young Best Fliers Competition! Winner gets a day with the Wonderbolts! I'm going to start practicing ASAP! I've got to be able to pull of my Sonic Rainboom if I wanna win!"

"The fuck is that?" He asks, clearly interested. I explain it to him as awesomely as possible, and his jaw drops.

"So, wait...you've done this before?" I nod. "You've...broken the light spectrum?" I nod yet again. He stares at me for a moment, mouth hanging open, before finally launching across the table and firmly grasping my hoof in both his hands. He begins to shake my hoof vigorously. "Well, congratu-fucking-lations! Holy shit, you went faster than the speed of light itself! You're fucking awesome!"

I grin at the well-deserved praise, and wait for it to die down. "Thank you," I announce. "For telling me what I already know."

He laughs. "I'm sure you do," he remarks. He turns to Fluttershy. "What about you? What have you been up to?"

"Oh, not much..." She responds, rather meekly. She smiles. "But I did manage to help a poor birdie with a broken wing! And I was able to prepare their hibernating dens early this year!"

"Boring!" I announce with a yawn. "Seriously, that's just so mundane!"

"Oh," Fluttershy mutters, drawing underneath the table. "I...I'm sorry..."

I frown at her, and consider apologizing when I receive a harsh slap to the back of the head. "Hey!" I cry in protest.

"You asshole," Peter remarks. "It's important to Fluttershy, so it's not boring. Just like you care about flying, she cares about helping her animals friends - so how about you shut up and show some respect, huh?"

I frown as I withdraw a bit. "Yeah...sorry, Flutters...uh...how'd you manage to prep the dens early?"

Fluttershy comes out of the table with a grin, and I can tell that she's amused by what Peter said. I'm not very amused, however. I'll make sure to make that painfully obvious to him later. Very painfully...

"Well, I started early, and I had plans set up from last year," she announces. "I was able to fortify the walls and make the chambers quickly, and I even got to..."

She keeps going, and after a while it sounds like a trumpet lulling me to sleepy boredom. I find myself dozing off, and eventually I can feel my head hanging and my snores starting to break through. I don't know what either of them are saying, because I'm near the end of consciousness.

That is, until I feel cold water splashing over my hide!

"What the hell!?" I glare at Peter, who's laughing alongside Fluttershy. They're both holding the bucket over my head, and quickly put it on the ground. "Peter, I am going to fuck! You! *UP!***"

"Alright then," he responds with a grin, barring his teeth in a challenge. Fluttershy backs away. "Allons-y!" He falters at the French word, but continues with the grin. I suppress rolling my eyes as he begins to run. I chase him right out of Fluttershy's cottage, and end up chasing him all the way to the library.

Where I promptly punch him in the gut and leave him wheezing by Twilight's door. To add insult to injury, Twilight throws the door open, undoubtedly to investigate what had happened. Peter cries out in pain as he gets punched in the face by a door and rolls onto his side, clasping his hands to his forehead. I smirk as I begin to drag him inside, much to Twilight's shock. I make sure to go over the bumpiest parts of the wooden floor.

That'll show him not to fuck with me anymore.

Ending the Day on a...Note.

I frown and shake my head in confusion as my head is cradled by gentle, blue hooves.

"Make up your mind," I grumble as ice is applied to my forehead. "Either you hate me, or you're creepily obsessed with me."

Rainbow chuckles lightly and gives me a soft, gentle noogy. I scoff as I roll my eyes. "Pete, you're like, my best friend, man. I just like messing around with you, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you..." She smirks down at me. "But you're still a total asshole."

Wow. Such mood swing. So confuse. Wow.

"She's on some strong pain relievers," I hear Twilight call out from her study. "It makes her subject to mood swings and irrational behavior, as well as drowsiness and hyperactivity. If she weren't on it, she'd be immobilized in the bed - she'd be overloaded by pain."

I nod in understanding as I look up at Rainbow Dash, who sighs and looks away. "Yeah, yeah," she mutters. "Mood swings, whatever - as long as nopony sees, it's fine..."

I smirk as I flick at her ear. "Yeah, whatever," I respond. I cringe as the movement stimulates muscles in my back. "Ach - my back still hurts from how you dragged me inside..."

"Sorry," Rainbow mutters. "It seemed like a good idea at the time..."

"You've got to work on impulse control," I remark. "You should be able to control yourself - even with those meds in your body."

"Yeah, I know," she grumbles. "Can we stop talking about it, though? It's hard to think sometimes..." Her eyelids begin to descend, and I smile as I slowly extricate myself from her grasp. She yawns before pressing herself into the couch and promptly falling asleep. I can't help but forgive her for attacking me like that before - not only was it not entirely a conscious choice, but she looks so frick-fracking adorable like this!

"Asleep again?" Twilight remarks. I nod as I move to a bookshelf. "I really hope we can lower the dosage soon - it makes her metabolism pretty unstable. The mood swings are probably the worst, though - there are times when she's been angry for an hour or so over something totally pointless, but then she turns all mellow and apologetic, but in an awkwardly tender and teasing way. Like she was with you."

"Sounds more like increased irritability," I point out as I pull out a book titled 'Magic Circuits: Crystals of Power'. "She just feels bad afterwards, but doesn't really know how to apologize - so she just does the first thing her instincts tell her to - but in her own way." I shrug as I flip through the book. "But it's just a theory - I'm no professional, but I sort of want to believe that she really felt sorry for being such a douche to me. That was completely uncalled for."

"Yeah," Twilight agrees with a sigh. There's a moment of silence, during which I catch her scuffing at the floor out of the corner of my eye. "How's your head?" She finally asks, blushing in embarrassment.

"Oh, it's fine," I respond. I pick up the ice I had placed on the bookshelf and press it to the bump on my head. "Still hurts a bit, but hey -" I turn to grin at her. "No concussion!"

She giggles lightly at my expression. "You're lucky - I hit you pretty hard with that door, Peter..."

I shrug. "It's fine, you had no idea I was there. Now, if you saw me and kept slamming the door on my head..." I shrug, and she grimaces at the idea. "That'd be another story."

"Yeah," she mutters. She shakes away the images of my head being caved in by a wooden door. How do I know she was shaking them away? I was imagining the same thing. Gruesome and horrifying. Makes my balls shrivel up just thinking about it. "But, hey...I still feel bad for hurting you like that." She gives me a small smile. "Let me make it up to you."

I blush as she speaks. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out, so I close it. After a moment, I put the book down and kneel in front of her. "Look, Twi' - I have tons of respect for you, alright?"

She frowns at me. "Al-alright...?"

"I...I couldn't do that with you, Twi'. I'm sorry, I mean - you're beautiful - at least by pony standards - but...you're also my good friend. I have to much respect for you." I smile at her, and she stares at me, her expression unreadable.

"I meant I would buy you some lunch," she deadpans.

"Oh, uh - yeah! I...I knew that!" I stand right up with a grin, scratching the back of my head so it looks natural. "Just...I respect you too much to take your money, y'know? Yeah! I couldn't possibly take your money." Genius, Peter. Genius. "Besides - you might need it."

Twilight gives me a flat gaze, and despite the fact that I'm twice her height when she's on all fours, it feels as if she's looking down at me. I smile meekly as I back up towards the door. "So, uh...I'm just gonna...go home. I'll, uh...come around tomorrow - I'm going to be visiting all of our friends." I grin at her. She keeps staring. I nod in understanding as I bolt out the door and shut it behind me. My intense blush remains as I walk home, instinctively keeping my head down the whole walk.

The Sonic Rainboom

"Come, now - could you not see how nervous Rainbow Dash was!?" Rarity scoffs as she tosses her mane. "I mean - she was in a right state! If only there were a way to be with her..."

"Easy," I announce, leaning against the wall still standing after Rainbow's crash. "Find a Pegasus, kill them, graft their wings on, slather ourselves in stem cells - a.k.a. aborted fetus paste - and bingo! Makeshift wings. Easy peasy, fetus squeezy." I smirk as all the ponies in the room turn slightly green.

"Peter - that's horrible!" Twilight protests. "How could you even joke like that?"

"I, ah...I have my ways," I respond with a sarcastic shrug. "Anyway...in all seriousness, I agree with Rarity. Rainbow will want to see us there - it'll help her a lot. Plus, remember those stories she told us about old bullies? I have no doubt that they'll be there to torture her again, and with the amount of stress she's dealing with...well, let's just say she'll be fragile."

"I agree," Rarity declares, before swaying a bit as the green returns to her face once more. "Ugh, Peter - you really should apply a filter to your mouth, darling..."

"Can't. Used them to get the stem cells out of the fetuses." I can't help but grin as all the ponies in the room let out burps of nausea.

"Gosh darnit, Peter - Ah'm gonna break yer' jaw if ya' don't stop makin' dead baby jokes!"

"Okay, message received," I respond. I turn to Twilight. "Now, how will we get up there? Are there any spells that can help us out here?"

"Yes, I've read of one," Twilight responds, unable to look me in the eye. I wonder why. "Geeze, Peter - how d'you keep so calm when you make jokes like this...anyway, where's that book - agh! It'll take hours to find it in this mess..."

"Nope!" Pinkie chirps, holding out a book towards Twilight. "Here it is!"

"How'd you find that so quick?" Applejack asks. I must admit, I admire their tenacity - they've learned to ignore me when I make jokes like that. It makes it easier for them to carry on with what they were doing, more or less. Ah, whatever - if Celestia were here, she'd be laughing. She loves dead baby jokes. Yeah, that one's not exactly right in the head.

"It landed on my face when Rainbow crashed into me," Pinkie responds, calmly. I nod in appreciation of the legitness.

"Alright...who wants to get the wings? I can only cast it once - it drains a lot of energy..."

"I'll do it!" Rarity declares, raising a hoof into the air. "For Rainbow, I will brave anything." I restrain myself.

"Alright," Twilight mutters. She has me hold the book up for her as her horn begins to glow. "Here...goes...nothing!"

Light envelopes Rarity, and the unicorn starts to look slightly worried as it gets almost too bright to bear. I shield my eyes from the light, dropping the book in the process. Twilight doesn't need it anymore, as her horn is done glowing.

Several minutes later, after the light has gone, Rarity is left hovering it mid-air, a pair of butterfly wings gracefully flapping on her back. I whistle in appreciation.

"Impressive," I announce. "I know it's magic and everything, but...how do they retain their shape? I mean - they look pretty fragile..."

"They are," Twilight sighs. "So you'll have to be careful, Rarity - don't get too close to any walls." Rarity nods, and Twilight digs up another book as Rarity admires her wings. I get bored of them rather quickly. Or, rather, I get bored of Rarity basically creaming herself over her wings rather quickly. "Right, now for the rest of us - I know a cloud-walking spell that will last for...well, as long as we want it to, really. I'll just have to cast it onto our hooves, and then onto Peter's shoes..."

"Why didn't you do that in the first place?" I ask, confused. "You wouldn't have had to waste so much time on those wings."

"Because I-" Twilight stops herself as she thinks, clearly searching for a suitable explanation. "I, uh....see...well, magic is...hmm...the wings, uh....umm....." She gulps. "Magic?"

"You just wanted to show off, didn't you?" I ask, not very amused.

"Pretty much," Twilight admits, blushing as she looks away. "And...I wanted to see if I could actually do it. You know - give a pony wings."

"'K," I respond. "Cast that cloud-walking spell, and let's go." Twilight nods, and I zone out as I begin to contemplate Rarity's wings. No muscles, no skin, no bones - I don't even know if there are any nerves in those things! I mean, real butterfly wings are small enough to not really need anything like that - the bases can just be pulled my muscles, and the rest of it left to itself. But...I just can't get down how Rarity's wings work like that...

Rainbow Dash

"Don't worry, Rainbow - I'll be cheering for you the entire time!"

"That's what I'm worried about," I mutter under my breath. Fluttershy frowns, and I sigh as I shake my head. "Sorry, Flutters - it's just...you're not exactly...loud, y'know?" I give her an apologetic smile. "But I think you'll do great, okay?" I sigh as I turn to look at the Cloudsdale Colliseum. "I just wish our friends were here..."

Silence begins to settle for a split second. That split second is splintered by a voice I know far too well. "Yo, douchebag!"

I can't help but grin as I spin around, clouds tearing up in my wake as I see a balloon landing before me. Rarity surprises me by flapping her butterfly wings as  she descends from the basket, and I look to Twilight for an explanation. She smiles as she opens her mouth to greet me and explain.

"Magic," Peter interrupts her, pushing her behind him as he prepares to hoist himself out of the balloon. "Funky magic, too - I just can't get down how she controls those damn wings..."

It's a split second before Peter begins to climb out of the basket that I realize what's going to happen. "Peter, wait - you'll fall through!"

To my surprise, he doesn't, and he stands, grinning victoriously. "What's that?" He teases me. "Pretty sure I'm standing on clouds right now."

"Let me guess: magic?"

"Double magic, actually," he responds with his eyebrows hiked. I snicker lightly as I wave my hoof towards the main body of the city of clouds.

"C'mon, everypony - Flutters and I will give you the grand tour of the greatest city in all of Equestria: Cloudsdale!"

Everypony lets out sounds of excitement and awe. I lead them through the city, showing them the greatest parts of the beautiful world of clouds that used to be my home. It's all going well, until I meet three jocks I thought I'd never see again.

"Hey, Rainbow Crash!"

I sigh as they fly over to me, and I prepare myself to be subject to mundane insults. It's really boring once you've got used to it, and -

"Wow." I look over to Peter, who's staring at me and my tormentors. "Just...fucking wow, Rainbow Dash. Holy shit. correct me if I'm wrong, but - is that what bullies used to call you?"

I raise an eyebrow at him. "Uh...yeah?" I respond, not sure as to where he's going with this.

"And...I'm assuming these three," he gestures towards them, "are your old childhood bullies?"

"Well...yeah," I respond again, frowning as he smirks at me.

"Holy shit," he remarks, snickering at the idea. "That's pathetic..."

"Hey!" I bark, scowling at him. "I was just a little kid, of course I had bullies! These three are doucehbags!"

"Damn straight!" The dumbest one of them remarks. The slightly less dumb one of them smacks him.

"No, not that you had bullies - I get that. No, I mean that these assholes were your bullies!" He lets out a chirp of laughter. "They look like they work at a fast food restaurant!"

"Yeah, and?" I ask, my face flushing with blood as he continues to insult me. "So what if I had bullies? And so what if they're still pieces of shit? I'd prefer for you not to make fun of me for that - especially since you're supposed to be my friend!"

He opens his eyes incredibly (and creepily) wide at that. "Wait, I wasn't making fun of you!" He protests. "No, I was just reveling in the fact that these motherfuckers got what they deserved!" He grins at me. "I fucking hate bullies! Trust me, I had my fair share of bullies when I was younger - and I didn't even get the worst of it! I've seen what bullies do to other kids, and I hate them for it." He waves his hands towards the three dropouts. "Seriously, these assholes ever thought they were better than you!?" He lets out comically loud laughter, and I smirk as I turn to the bullies.

"Yeah, exactly! See, even my friends know that you're worthless!"

"Hey - we're better than you in every way!" Billie shouts at me. Oh, yeah - I almost forgot they had names. "You're nothing, you got that!? You can't even fly straight!"

"Wow, seriously? Still trying to bully her?" Peter asks, grinning wide like a goon. "Oh, man - I've got to, I'm sorry, I've waited my entire life for this -" He clears his throat. "It's time to channel my inner General Serrano!"

"Who?" I ask. Our friends respond in like. As to why they haven't commented on the bullies before now...I think I may have to reevaluate my standards for friends.

"You'll see," he responds with a wink. He clears his throat again before taking a deep breath and walking over to the three assholes. He stands up straight, and dons a look of disapproval.

"Now, you three dickmunching fungal rimjobs had better give a good reason as to why you think that your lives are worth anything to anybody!" He demands. It turns a few heads. Okay, more than a few. And I'm pretty sure it just turned Fluttershy into a turtle. "You are all pieces of worthless fucking shit, you nutfucking maggots! You, are, worthless - do you understand me!? Now, go crawl back into your little fucking hole, and suck some fucking dick, you mudfucking shitlickers!" He grins. "Or do I have to personally see to your thorough ex-term-ination!" He blinks for a moment, and dons the same look that he had when he said "allons-y". He seems to try to piece it together for a moment, but then shakes the notion away.

"So, what will it be, little kiddies? Will you leave and spare yourself further embarrassment, or do I have to make everyone here watch as you give each other a good mouthsuckin'?"

The three bullies stare at him, mouths hanging open in shock. They're not as insulted as they are...well...shocked. Everypony is laughing at the three of them, including myself - that barrage was just...brilliant. Absolutely fantastic.

"Let's get out of here," Billie mutters. "Leave Rainbow Crash and this weird-ass monkey to make out some more."

I blush and begin to stammer a bit, and I just know - I know - that the laughter is now directed at me. But Peter shocks everypony, yet again.

"Yeah, you faggots are just jealous," he responds with a smirk. "I get more pussy on a daily basis than you'll get in your whole life."

Once the bullies have flown away, and the crowd has gone back to maintaining the weather factory, I pull Peter aside. "What the fuck, man?" I hiss at him. "Saying that we'll be making out - what's wrong with you? I've got a rep I've got to maintain, boy!"

He shrugs. "It was the only way I could make sure they'd shut the fuck up," he informs me. "And, besides - it wasn't like I said we'd actually make out. I just said that I get pussy every day." He smirks at me. "And trust me - if I tried, I mean tried, I could be taking a new mare home every night. It's only my respect for other individuals that keeps me from doing that."

I nod to him. "Yeah, well...thanks, anyway. You know - for doing that, and - what the fuck is that light?"

He turns around, and we both watch as Rarity admires how the light shines through her wings. And she decides to enter into the competition.

My pupils contract as I remember how nervous I am. And now, competing against Rarity...Oh, fuck - I'm gonna die out there...

Peter

"Where are they?" Pinkie Pie whines. I roll my eyes as I kick her leg.

"Shut it," I mumble. "You know Rarity - she's probably putting a fuck load of makeup on right now. And you also know Rainbow Dash - she's probably taking a pre-flight nap." I smirk at the idea.

"Quite a change in attitude, Peter," Twilight remarks. "One second, you're defending her, and the next, you're making fun of her behind her back." She shakes her head.

"Yeah," Applejack remarks. "Ah must admit, the way ya' dealt wit' those bullies was mighty impressive, but if ya' start actin' like a bully yer'self, then Ah don' see how that makes ya' any better than them."

"First off, that was nothing," I inform them. "If you want to see how a true badass handles bullies, you've gotta talk to my friend - whom I dubbed the King of Trolls." I smirk at the memory. I sigh as I let it fade. "But, unfortunately, that's long-gone now..." I nod solemnly to myself before grinning at Applejack. "And, besides - think about it: when I make fun of Rainbow Dash in any way, it's not to be mean. I do it to tease her. I used to do it with all my best friends. And they would all do the same to me." I smile into the distance, but force myself back into the now. Damnit, I really have to work on wiping out my melodramatic streak...

"Well, alright then," Applejack mutters. "If ya' say so..." I'm about to respond when Pinkie lets out a shriek of excitement.

"Here they come!" She exclaims. I look to the sky - well, the arena - and see that Rainbow and Rarity are together in the stadium. And Rainbow looks like she's scared to death.

Brilliant.

Pinkie cheers, waving around a foam finger that...wait...

"Where'd you get that?" I ask, confused.

"It was in with the stuff you made in Canterlot," she informs me. "Remember? You showed it to us, and you let me have it because I thought it looked fun!"

"Oh, yeah," I mutter, rubbing my chin. "I almost forgot about that...I think I actually had it made when I was drunk that one time..."

"Drunk?" Twilight asks, looking over in concern. I smirk at her in fond memory.

"It's a long story," I promise her. She looks away, seeming uneasy for a moment before casting the thoughts aside. She refocuses on Rainbow Dash, and cheers along with the rest of us. I put in my own cheer.

"Yo, Dash - uh..." I shrug. "Don't screw up!" I get disapproving glances from my friends. I shrug it off as I take another sip of the soda I bought earlier. Tastes like flat coke, but...at least it tastes like some sort of soda.

I recline on the incredibly soft cloud, and I almost begin to doze off to the peaceful music. I shake it off as Rainbow begins.

My shoulders sag as Rainbow Dash messes up each of her acts, one by one. I shake my head as I look to the Wonderbolts, who do not seem to be impressed. I look to Rarity and frown. She should be here cheering for Rainbow with us, not trying to beat Rainbow and look good to some fashion douchebag...

A few minutes into the act, Rainbow Dash has flown up high, and Rarity is at about half the altitude she is. I look up to Rainbow Dash, and I know what she's about to try to do. I give her a big thumbs up in an attempt to soothe her nerves. At her altitude, though, I don't think she can see -

Holy shit, Rarity is falling!

"No!" Twilight cries. The Wonderbolts go after the white unicorn, and...

I fall back onto the cloud, struggling to keep my laughter in. She just knocked them the fuck out!

"Don't worry Rares, I'm comin'!"

I sit back upright as I watch Rainbow Dash descend at neck-breaking speeds, both hooves extended as she prepares to save her friend. I can tell, however, that she's not going nearly fast enough. A mach cone forms around her, and I watch in nervous anxiety as Rarity falls to her death, and Rainbow is about to be bounced back and -

....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

I don't even...

I just...

I...

I...

But I...

But that's...

But light can't...

But she...

But I...

But...

I...

But...

I don't...

Just...

Just...

Fucking...

I am error.

Poison Joke

I yawn as I awaken. That was relaxing...

I slept in today. Just woke up, and it's...one in the afternoon. Sweet.

After Rainbow did that Rainboom, I've been up at night trying to piece it together. Twilight finally helped me understand it by chalking it up to magic, and reminding me that this isn't my original universe - things work differently here. That, and -

An ear-splitting shriek causes me to cringe in pain. I sigh as I rub my ear. I'd know that scream anywhere...

I roll my eyes as I start to wash up.

"What the hell happened, Twi'?" I ask as I open the library door. "I heard Rarity scream, but she wasn't at the Boutique - what -" My hand slips from the doorknob, and my jaw goes slack as I stare at the spectacle before me. "What the fuck..."

Twilight's horn is speckled and floppy. Applejack is the size of an ant. Rainbow's wings are...upside down? Rarity has dreadlocks. Pinkie's tongue is engorged, and Fluttershy, is, well...I think she's fine, actually.

"What happened to you guys?" I shake my head as I pull the door closed - a cold draft was coming in. "Did Twilight screw up a spell?" I look down in surprise as I hear an answer - I didn't notice Apple Bloom before.

"They think that th' Zebra Zecora cursed 'em," she responds, confused and condescending. "'S stupid an' superstitious - there's no way that zebra did this!"

"What zebra?"

"Zecora!" Rainbow shouts, wobbling in midair as she struggles to get used to her new orientation. She ends up colliding with the wall. "You know - the scary witch in the Everfree Forest!? She cursed us! Weren't you there yesterday - didn't you see her in the center of Ponyville!?"

"I was working on something - I wasn't paying attention to the outside world," I protest. "But...that's impossible, I mean - curses? Really?"

"Yestthh, curthhssessstthhh!" Pinkie spits at me. "How elstthhe do you tttthhhhiinkksssh thishhh happemd!?"

"But -"

"There's no question about it!" Rarity shouts. "How else would my mane achieve such atrocious imperfection? It must be a curse."

"Uh...bad day?" I ask, confused. "But...I just..." I sigh as I slump against the wall. "Fuck it - I give up. I'm just so done with this..." I sigh as I pull the door open. "I get that you have magic, but...just...I want no part of this bullshit right now. Screw your problems - I'm going home." With that, I exit, leaving the eight of them - Spike was there, too - confused and agitated. I walk home, and immediately flop into bed.

What the fuck...I just...I wasn't ready for something weird like this to happen! They take it like it's a daily thing, but I just can't handle it - it's too much...

I sigh as I bury my face in my pillow and decide to take a quick nap. Maybe by the time I wake up, this will have sorted itself out...

Later...

{Begin "In the Hall of the Mountain King"}

I wake up in confusion. Something doesn't feel right...

Wait...

Where'd all these weird flowers come from...?

I sit up, and I feel like a wreck - like I just got over a hangover or something. Well...given the contents of my bedroom, I wouldn't doubt it...looks like I had a crazy sex party with a bunch of plants.

I groan as I stretch and throw my legs over the side of my bed. Maybe all that weird stuff I saw in the library was just a dream - a drunkard's dream. I get down onto the floor, and something just feels...wrong. I'm not sure what it is, but I think I'm about to find out - I have a full-body mirror in my room, I can see myself in there...

Okay...now then, I - WHAT THE FUCK!?

I stare at my reflection in complete shock. My fingers...they...but...my fingers...my fingers!

MY FINGERS ARE GONE!

It's then that I scream, pressing my palms to my head and wanting to grab my hair - but being excruciatingly unable to do so.

It's then that I hear laughter. It's coming from my window. I scowl as I rush to it and attempt to open it. But without fingers, it's tough as fuck.

I end up using my mouth, and by the time it's open, Rainbow Dash is laughing hysterically.

"What the fuck did you do to me!?" I demand, more panicked than anything else. "What the hell did you do - did you cut off my fingers, you crazy bitch!?"

"Nah, I just put some poison joke in your bedroom!" She shrieks, trying to catch her breath. "It pranked you! Now you've got to wait for it to wear off!" She cracks up, and nearly falls to the earth in her tumult.

"How do I fix it?" I demand, gripping the windowsill, but not gripping it. It's less unsettling and more ungodly terrifying. "Please, Rainbow - how do I fix it!?" She must have heard the panic in my voice, as she stops laughing and looks me right in the eye.

"Hey, you're the one who bailed out on us when we were fucked up by the poison joke!" She spits at me.

"Because I couldn't handle it!" I shout in response. "You assholes do shit like this every day - I'm still trying to get used to it!" I slam my palm down on the windowsill, slightly hurting myself in the process. "Help me, Rainbow - help me!"

She frowns at me. "Peter, we were freaked out, too. But we didn't abandon each other."

"I didn't abandon you!" I respond, desperately. "I just...I just..." I falter as I try to think of another word. In actuality, "abandon" is probably the most accurate.

"Yeah, exactly."

"Look, I'm sorry - but this is fucking horrifying!" I wave my palms in the air. "I can't just not have fingers! Please, Dash - help me, please."

She rolls her eyes with a groan of irritation. "Fine," she growls. "But next time something happens to you, you're on your own - just like we were."

"Thank you," I sigh. She nods and descends to the ground. I'm about to leave the house and meet her when I hear her shout:

"Pinkie, now!"

At that, I see a giant lever swing down from the roof of my house. I watch, slack-jawed and paralyzed, as it stops at the window and releases at least a gallon of water straight for me.

I shut my eyes tight, and pray that I can keep at least a shred of my dignity.

The hot water hits me, and everything around me. The sheer force of it slams me to the ground, and I extend my arms to catch myself. I almost cry as I feel my fingers brushing through the carpet.

Rainbow Dash comes back to the window with a grin of smug victory on her face. "How's that for help, huh!?"

"Fuck you," I respond as I revel in the sensation in my phalanges. "Oh, fuck you..."

I smile as I realize that she's one of the only things keeping me from just nope-ing out. I wouldn't give the time I spend with her for the world...

Even if it does make me want to gauge her eyes out.

Bonding: Twilight

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

A Party of One

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Bonding: Pinkie

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Luna's Letter

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

A Transition Chapter

I look up in shock as Rainbow Dash violently kicks the door to Peter's room shut.

"He's drunk."

I stare at her irritated scowl for a moment in incomprehension. "Huh?"

"He's drunk," Rainbow responds as she walks into the kitchen to join me. "Totally bucking smashed."

"But...he seemed fine before..."

She shrugs. "I dunno. But his breath smelled like a bucking bar. Guess it just hadn't kicked in for a while. By the way, he's unconscious."

I roll my eyes. "Oh, great...now I'll have to make sure he doesn't vomit and end up choking himself..."

"Already taken care of," Rainbow responds with a smirk.

"Do I want to know?" I ask, feeling slightly worried.

"Damn straight you do!" She responds with a grin. "I put his bag next to his bag and put him in a way so that if he vomits, he'll vomit right into his bag. Also, I took something from him so he'll have to apologize to me before getting it back." She pulls a small, black device out from between her feathers, and then quickly stows it again with a grin in pride.

"Apologize for what?" I ask, confused.

"Uh...I..." A crimson blush overtakes her cheeks. "I...uh..." She looks at the clock, and inhales in an exaggerated gasp. "Darn, would you look at the time! I've gotta go, Twi'! Seeya!"

Before I have a chance to say anything, she's out the window. "Uh...bye?" I mutter. Silence is all that responds.

I sigh as I decide to check on Peter.