Nom The Rainbow

by Silvertie

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 2988

Rainbow Dash acts without thinking, and winds up with an inexplicably tasty mane.

Rainbow Dash acts without thinking, and winds up with an inexplicably tasty mane.

A story of laughs, drama, suspense, action and vengeance, written in the hours between 4am and 6am.

—-Critical Acclaim—-
"SOMEONE OPEN A WINDOW" – Palladion, #TCB
"This is amazing" – APumpkin, ##fimTWG
"I am literally not having the vocabulary to express my feelings for this" – IceColt_, ##fimTWG
"This is not the RD fic I was expecting from you" - Gaea, #TCB
"Did you even go to bed last night" – Gentelman_Clam

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-06 18:40:02 UTC

The Mare With The Tasty Mane

Nom The Rainbow

By Silvertie

The skies above Ponyville were vast and clear; the sun shone down on all and sundry, warming all beneath it's benevolent, fusion-powered gaze.

It shone especially bright on one Rainbow Dash, who bounced up and down on a cloud with practiced ease, causing a shower of rain to pour from the underside. And keep pouring, as she continued to bounce. She whistled a jaunty tune as she beat her wings mid-bounce, hovering above the cloud, surveying her handiwork.

The water-laden cloud had a steady flow now, and by her estimates, it would rain for the required day and a half. Just what the weather schedule called for. Something clicked in Rainbow's mind, and she looked around at the rest of the cloudless sky. Something didn't quite seem right.

"MY LAUNDRY!" a shrill voice screeched. Rainbow leaned over the edge of the cloud, and saw the problem.

Far below, occupying almost exactly the area that was getting rained on, a small, isolated house sat on the edge of Ponyville. And standing in the cottage's yard, an old-looking, pale-lime-green earth pony was getting drenched as she stared incredulously at her washing line, with equally drenched clothing.

Rainbow sensed something was wrong, and reluctantly took wing to see if it was somehow her fault, and take appropriate blame if it was the case. It seemed like it was, to be honest.

"Ma'am?" Rainbow asked, and the earth pony spun around, madness visible in her eyes behind her dripping black locks of mane that ran down her face and around her snout, which was crested at the end with a very prominent wart. Rainbow raked her mind, and came up with a name to match the face; Hocus Pocus, that was it.

"Weathermare!" Hocus Pocus exclaimed as she ran up to the fence that happened to be the boundary of the rain and coincidentally as far as Rainbow was willing to approach, voice no less screechy now that she wasn't shouting at the heavens. "What is the meaning of all this? My laundry! It's all wet, now!"

"It's, uh," Rainbow scratched her chin. "Scheduled rain?"

"Really?" Hocus said, disbelieving as she waved a gnarled hoof at the lack of rain beyond her property. "I don't think so, bucko."

"No, I swear," Rainbow said, holding up hooves in defense, before reaching for her saddlebags. "It's on the schedule and everything," she continued, pulling out a sheaf of paper and pushing it at Hocus. Unfortunately, she neglected to consider the fact that the rain was rather heavy, and so Hocus was presented with a damp sheet of paper covered in black marks that rapidly became illegible as the ink ran. Rainbow coughed and pulled back the paper, an eternity too late, and regarded the now-utterly-incomprehensible schedule.

"Well, it totally was," she finished lamely.

"I don't buy it," Hocus said flatly. "You're doing this on purpose. Primrose and Golden Harvest put you up to this, didn't they? Well," Hocus said, with a sinister grin, "More fool you for agreeing to this, then!"

"Whoa whoa," Rainbow protested. "I didn't get put up to this!"

"So you did it of your own accord?!" Hocus screeched. "No more! I shall have my revenge!"

Rainbow backed up, and yet it didn't seem to help her case any as Hocus didn't move and remained as threatening as ever, as she locked eyes with the cyan pegasus, a grin forming on her face.

"Noom lluf txen eht litnu," Hocus chanted, as her eyes began to glow with sinister power, "Suoiciled ylegnarts liat dna enam ruoy dnif llahs Airtseuqe ni ynopyreve taht revocsid ot uoy esruc ybereh I;" Hocus threw her hooves skywards, and lightning flashed from the raincloud with disturbingly good timing. "Wobniar fo enam htiw Susagep!"

There was a flash of light, and Rainbow hissed as her retinas were seared, raising a hoof to shield herself. When she lowered it and her vision returned, Hocus was gone, along with her wet washing. Rainbow raised an eyebrow. She couldn't remember what Hocus Pocus actually did for a living, but whatever it was, it apparently kept the old mare spry.

Rainbow shrugged. The cloud was raining, the schedule was done, she was free to goof off and do something else, now. She flicked a hoof, and there was a snapping sound. Of course, she was going to visit Fluttershy, wasn't she?

She turned tail, and flew off towards her old friend's cottage, which was conveniently not far away.

"Fluttershy?" Rainbow called out. "Where are ya, girl?"

"Out here, Rainbow," a voice responded from the back yard. Rainbow circled over the cottage and touched down behind the building, not far from the chicken coop, which was rattling and clacking as somepony trotted around inside it. It wasn't long before Fluttershy stepped out of the coop, looking at Rainbow and smiling, filling her friend with joy.

Joy that turned to panic as Fluttershy's eyes went wide, and moving faster than Rainbow recalled Fluttershy ever moving before, the yellow pegasus made a bee-line for Rainbow, mouth open and watering.

Rainbow tried to evade, but it was no use, and she felt something catch onto the end of her tail, pulling her sideways and out of the air to land on the ground with a thud.

"What- Fluttershy?" Rainbow asked, holding her head as she sat up. "What the hay was that for?"

"I'm sorry," Fluttershy said, sounding genuinely sorry around a mouthful of something, "I just had to, it- it looks so delicious!"

Rainbow looked back, and her eyes went wide as she saw Fluttershy at the other end of her tail, a chunk of her prismatic tail in her mouth and chewing away.

"Fluttershy, what the-" Rainbow blinked. "Why are you chewing my tail?"

"It's delicious!" Fluttershy wept. "I can't help it! I feel like I have to chew it!"

Rainbow opened her mouth, then closed it as she put her memory to work and remembered the events of roughly five minutes ago.

"Hocus Pocus!" Rainbow swore. "She's to blame!"

"Who whatnow?" Fluttershy asked, voice muffled.

"Never mind," Rainbow said. "Come on, let's get to Twilight's, she probably has a spell to fix this."

Fluttershy nodded, looking like a shy pony holding Rainbow's tail, and the two got up with a bit of work, and tried to take off.

The tandem-pegasus team would have done better if Fluttershy could have stopped chewing on Rainbow's tail. As it was, they got about ten metres before their out-of-sync wingbeats got too much to deal with, and they fell out of the sky, right on top of the chicken coop with a crash.

The dust cleared, and Rainbow picked an egg out of her forelock, blowing feathers out of her face. Fluttershy was still chewing furiously on Rainbow's tail.

"How about we walk, instead?" Rainbow suggested.

The strange union of Pegasus and Doormat wandered along the outer roads of Ponyville. To be honest, the pair were kind of lost, despite living in Ponyville for years. You'd think they'd have a better sense of direction, but as it turns out, navigation by flight is much easier than navigation by walking, and so they'd taken a wrong turn or three.

Fluttershy wasn't being much help, either, unable to really help navigate with her attention so inexplicably focused on RD's tail. It had to be magic.

Rainbow's heart leapt when she spotted a familiar landmark, and she carefully accellerated the pair's pace to run up to the well-maintained fence that ran alongside the road, separating public property of the road from the private property of Sweet Apple Acres. In fact, she could see one of the namesake owners in the field, an orange hat bobbing up and down just above the surface of the ground, thanks to a hole of some sort.

"Hey, Applejack!" Rainbow called out, and the hat stopped, rising above ground enough to let two eyes focus on Rainbow. The cyan pegasus waved, and an orange earth pony clambered out of the hole and ran towards her.

Rainbow stopped waving at Applejack, and watched as the orange earth pony got closer, her Rainbow Dash Sense tingling. She'd missed something, she felt.

Oh, right, the fact that everypony wanted to chew on her mane for some reason. Too late, she ducked and Applejack pounced, jaw open and ready to bite. Rainbow managed to stay upright this time, which was remarkable given that a quick check revealed that she did, in fact, have a sweaty, somewhat grubby orange mare now anchored to her mane like an oversized hair accessory and looking very confused as to why.

"RD, whut exactly is goin' on?" she asked bluntly.

"I think a witch put a curse on me that makes everypony want to chew on my mane and tail," Rainbow answered succinctly.

"It's delicious!" Fluttershy exclaimed. "I don't know why!"

Applejack looked at Fluttershy, and had an expermimental chew, ears perking up as she did.

"Wow, RD," Applejack said, surprised. "Y'all need to to tell me what y' use for your mane, it's tastin' like every fruit under th' sun!"

"I don't use anything!" RD exclaimed. "It's the spell!"

"Oh," Applejack said, deflating only momentarily. "Well, what do you want to do? Lie here so we c'n keep chewing?"

"No," Rainbow said. "I want to get it fixed. We're going to Ponyville Library, and Twilight's gonna fix this."

"Ponyville's thataway," Applejack said, pointing back the way Rainbow had come from.

"Yeah, totally knew that," Rainbow said. "Come on, let's go."

With a bit of awkward shuffling, the three ponies turned around, and began to walk-hobble down the road.

"Can't you just move or something?" Rainbow asked plaintively. "Like, bite onto my tail as well?"

"No can do, sugarcube," Applejack said, neck bent at an odd angle to maintain her mastication. "Ah don't think Ah could stop chewin' for all th' money in Equestria right now."

Rainbow sighed, and decided to change the topic of conversation. "So, what were you doing in that hole, anyway?"

"Oh," Applejack smiled. "We were figgering we'd set up a small rock farm, and all. I was just diggin' the hole for a rock seed that Pinkie was busy fetchin' from the barn."

"Oh," Rainbow said, nodding before she froze up abruptly, causing Applejack and Fluttershy to keep walking one step more than was really comfortable. "Oh."

"Oh what?" Applejack asked.

"Pinkie Pie," Rainbow sighed, not moving. "She's already latched on, hasn't she?"

"Your mane tastes like snozzberries!" Pinkie exclaimed, hugging Rainbow around the neck.

"Yeah," Applejack said.

"I like the purple strands," Fluttershy said.

"No more faffing about," Rainbow asserted as the strange quartet stood at the top of the hill. "We go as fast as possible to the Library. Twilight fixes this. We all stop chewing on my mane and tail, and ideally never talk of this again."

"Gotcha," Applejack said, nodding as much as she could with her head in such close proximity to Rainbow and Pinkie's heads.

"I'm ready," Fluttershy said around the tail in her mouth.

Rainbow nodded slightly, and they moved out, walking down the hill slowly and in no time at all, entering the town proper.

"Hey, Dashie, I thought of something," Pinkie Pie said.

"What is it?" Rainbow asked.

"You know how we can't help but try and chew on your mane and tail," Pinkie said, "Is that like, just us because we're your friends? Or is that everypony that's going to try and chew your delicious, delicious mane?"

"Um," Rainbow's brow knitted in concern. "Not good."

There was a loud clattering of hooves, and the rustle of dropped shopping bags. Rainbow braced herself, resigning herself to her immediate fate and new passenger.

"Wa ha ha ha!" whooped a familiar voice, and Rainbow felt somepony latch onto her tail next to Fluttershy, with all the speed and dexterity she'd come to expect from the resident fashionista.

"Hey Rare," Applejack said, raising an eyebrow by way of greeting.

"Darlings," Rarity gushed, sucking furiously on Rainbow's tail with less shame than she should probably have been exhibiting. "What in Equestria is going on? Rainbow, why did you not tell me about your delicious tail earlier?"

"Magic," Fluttershy said, conveniently forestalling inconvenient exposition.

"We don't have to explain hoo-hah!" Pinkie added eagerly.

Rainbow looked around, and while she didn't see anypony around... she could hear them. The thunder of hooves filled the air, distant. But getting closer.

"Change of plan, guys," she said quickly. "We're going as fast as I can go now."

"But we can't go as fast as you can go," protested Fluttershy.

"Yeah, that's a problem," Rainbow admitted, lurching forward. The movement pulled Fluttershy off her hooves, and she landed belly-first on the cobblestones, joining a reclining Rarity who was taking the opportunity to regard Rainbow's undercarriage with interest.

"Why did you get "Just Do It" tattooed around your belly button?" Rarity asked, genuinely curious as she chewed thoughtfully on the tail.

"Not the time!" Rainbow grunted, as she strained harder. With a sliding of pony on the ground, she began to move at a brisk trot's pace. Applejack and Pinkie tried to keep up, but quickly tripped over their own hooves and fell; unable to let go, even now, Rainbow found her eyes watering as two fully-grown mares dangled from her mane like small children, and her muscles screamed at her for being burdened with the weight of five ponies to pull in a very ineffective manner.

"Incoming Doctor Whooves off the port bow!" Rarity called out, pointing a hoof as she was dragged along the ground.

"Ah got it!" Applejack called out, and with a twist of her body, threw a hoof out just as Doctor Whooves got within range. Her hoof caught the good doctor perfectly by his bow-tie and with little effort, Applejack pitched the good doctor clean over Rainbow's head, to land with a splash in a nearby water trough.

"Good form!" Pinkie cheered, before looking at Rainbow. "Your hustle could use a little work, though," she criticised.

Rainbow just ground her teeth. Apparently her mane had properties that made her friends just a little too intolerable for comfort.

The mound of ponies crawled across town slowly, the ponies already occupying prime places on Rainbow's mane and tail repelling any further would-be boarders, with as little violence as possible. Fluttershy had to use quite a bit of force to get Rarity to stop throttling Bon Bon while muttering that Rainbow's tail was hers, however.

All ordeals must end eventually, however, and Rainbow's ordeal's end was in sight. She closed the distance, yard by painful yard as her friends kept the townsfolk literally out of her mane, and found success when she staggered to a halt within knocking distance of the Library door. She raised a hoof, and knocked thrice.

"Hey, Twilight! Twilight! Hey!" she shouted, increasing the pace of her knocking when the door didn't open instantly. "I need help!"

"Coming, coming!" Twilight's muffled voice shouted. "Hold your horses!" There was a click of a latch, and the door opened to reveal Twilight in some sort of lab coat. "Hi, Rainbow," she said, "What can I help you wiiiaaaagh what is going on?"

Rainbow looked Twilight in the throat as the purple unicorn latched onto and began chewing Rainbow's forelock. "Yeah," the pegasus sighed. "This is a thing. Can you fix it?"

Twilight bent her neck around so she could maintain a lock of hair in her mouth and look Rainbow in the eye.

"Well, I'll, uh, think of something. Eventually."

Rainbow Dash stepped out of the library into the setting sunlight, and took a deep breath.

And cried. She looked like a total dork, with her mane and tail shaved off - her beautiful prismatic mane and tail! Gone! It'd grow back, but...

"Don't be so bummed out," Pinkie reassured, leaing an elbow on Rainbow's back as she chewed. "This way, we all win."

"I'm bald!" Rainbow exclaimed, glaring at Pinkie Pie. "How am I winning?!"

Pinkie paused, and adjusted the bound lock of severed, prismatic mane in her mouth thoughtfully. "That's a good point, you don't really win, you don't find your own mane delicious..." Pinkie shrugged. "Oh well, can't win 'em all; right, slugger?"

A pair of pale green hooves collapsed the telescope with a snap, and a trenchcoated mare fell back into her folding chair. She couldn't believe it, Rainbow Dash looked so hilarious without her precious mane and tail! It was delicious! Rainbow Dash woul be the laughing stock of Ponyville for weeks while it grew back!

"Mrs Lightning Dust?" a grey, wall-eyed mare asked hesitantly.

"What is it, Derpy?" Lightning Dust asked, still chuckling and smiling.

"Why are you laughing so hard?" Derpy asked, concerned. "You've been laughing for the last couple of hours. What could be so funny?"

"Just Desserts, my dear mailmare," Lightning chuckled, wiping a tear from her eye as she got up. "Thank you for being so cooperative, by the way, and letting me see the local weather schedule."

"Of course!" Derpy nodded. "Anything for a friend of Rainbow Dash!"

Lighting Dust gave Derpy a small salute, and tugged her fedora onto her head as she made her way to the door, and slipped out of the Ponyville Weather Department and onto the street outside.

Lightning took a deep breath of air, and let it out, smiling. Revenge was good, and today, the vengeance nuggies were good and hot. She looked around, trying to think of the perfect end to a perfect day. She wanted... she wanted...

Her eye fell on a small orange pegasus with a purple mane, who was chewing furiously and rapturously on a large wad of multicolored hair, and...

"Hey, kid, mind if I have half?" Lightning Dust asked, mouth watering and eyes wide.