It only gets weirder-er

by Aiet

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other, Princess Luna, Comedy, Random
Length: 42756

Two Bronies end up in Equestria and shenanigans insue.

With this story I'm not looking for likes (they are good though). this is a story written for my best friend for years. it's him and me going to Equestria. with cross overs and references (some clear as day, others not) this story is random to the core and just meant for a good laugh for my friend (or you). so enjoy my virgin friend with two chins, this one is all for you.

What happens when two best friends wake up in the land of their dreams? Rock bands, forced marriage, pictures of your friends involved in digrating acts, and a war. Meason and Travis, two bronies, find them selves in Equestria after a car accident and are off in a wacky and total random adventure. But can they survive the up coming war with Saddle Arabia, can Meason every trust cake again, and will Travis lose his virginity? Only one, yes, and most likely not.

Published 2013-07-09 00:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-19 21:15:19 UTC

Shitty Chitty Bang Bang

“I guess this is the part were I tell you that I always loved you but I don't. I really, really don't.” twilight frantically tried to stop the bleeding from the gaping hole in my stomach but it was no use. The blood flowed heavily from the wound and wasn't going to stop till every last drop was pooled onto the dirt. I took a cannon ball right through me but some how I was still alive... well not for long. I could feel everything slowly start to drift away from me until it was just me and twilight. Even in the middle of a war she tried to save me, a war that waged on for hours that seemed to never end or come any closer to an end. A stalemate. I could hear the clashing of metal and the cries of battle but only faintly. I think I even heard an engine in the distance and a horn honking. For the first time I missed home.

“Just... don’t speak, save your strength.” Twilight knew there wasn’t anything she could do to save me but she tried any ways. I haven’t seen my life flash before my eyes or any thing they say happens before you die. But I know this is it. I could feel the heat from my body slowly leech into the ground and the blood in my veins becoming less and less. I wonder if I'll dream? So now Twilight sat next to me and having to accept my fate... I already did. How did a human end up dying on a battle field, in the middle of one of the largest wars in Equestria? I guess it started when I died the first time.

My name is Meason and I have been a brony for some time and even converted my friend who would make fun of me for it. I'm six foot and two hundred and sixty pounds but with the way I'm built I only have a some what small gut that hangs over my belt. Thick curly brown hair on my head and face, I mean lumber jack running through the forest and chopping down trees with a single hit beard. Usually brown eyes, they tend to change color, and the face of a pure man (sinker). With my lightly tan skin I looked like a model (what's with this guy?). And then there is my friend Travis. About as tall as me if not an inch more. White and smooth unlike me with a forest on my arms, legs, chest, and back. Some what skinny but not fat and then there is his chin (ha).

All this started at a gas station at night (like most slasher films). We were going to the beach and I was going to have chicks all over me (riiiiiight). With all the strange weather this summer there was snow on the roads so we had to be careful... and I was about to be beaten for shoving it in Travis's face.

“Fat ass!”

“Two chin!” that what was funny about his chin to me. I out weigh him by a hundred pounds and don't have one. If you didn't see my small pot belly you would think I was skinny but broad. People always asked me if I played football because I was so well built for it.

“Mexican pedobear!” at this point I was on the other side of his shitty truck and leaned forward and said quietly.

“Virgin.” we just both laughed and got back in the truck. It was an old rickety piece of shit but it worked... sometimes. Tan with a brown strip down the side it was no chick magnet but I was at least (ha). Now we were back on the snowy roads with the snow softly falling down. It was peaceful and quiet that late night... and a little romantic. I slowly placed my hand on Travis's leg as he was driving.

“Move yer hand now.” I quickly moved it back as he swat at it and I laughed. He wasn't gay and neither was I but him and I and some other of our friends were the gayest strait men ever. If you ever saw all of us in the same place at once it would be bad for your sexual/mental/physical health. Where we were at the snow was a couple inches high but the black ice was horrible. Soon it wouldn't matter because a couple more hours and we would be at the state line and out the snow... or so we thought. The truck was a pain in the ass.

“No, no, no!” Travis started turning the key after the truck's engine sputtered and went out as we were crossing a bridge that was over a river. Travis was trying his best to restart it but it wasn't working. I sat back I watched him mess with some switches and nobs.

“Told you it was a piece of shit.” he just glared at me and turned the key again. It rumbled back to life and we were on the move once again. I was glad and don't get me wrong I love the snow but it was summer. I wanted to get to the beach and show off my rock hard abs (protected by a generous layer of fat).

“Ha! Ah knew ah could-ahhhhh!” Travis quickly turned the wheel and drove us out of the on coming lane we had slowly drifted into as the truck was coasting. A small car hurdled past us with it's horn blaring. I held on to the 'oh shit' handle as the truck lost traction and we span on the ice. We managed a couple of three sixty's before we came to a stop. I slowly looked out the window at the guard rail that stopped us from falling into the partially frozen river. Getting in those waters would be reverse puberty and poor Travis would have to wait even longer (I'm going to catch so much hell for this). We looked at each other as we breathed heavily and I managed to smile.

“Well I'm glad I brought extra boxers.” Travis only let out a small huff as he went to turn the key once again. Then it happened. Suddenly bright lights and a blaring horn. We both snapped to his window in time to see head lights blinding us. We both screamed at the same time and the same way kind of like on those funny movies. What ever it was plowed into us and flipped us over the barrier, sending us into the river. We slammed into the hard cold waters up side down and began to slowly sink. I opened my eye and had a hard time clearing them. When I could see again, while still buckled in and up side down, I saw Travis out cold (to me that was little ironic. You know cause the... never mind) and the cab was filling up with water. I tried pushing up against my door in panic but I knew it wouldn't open because of the pressure and it was smashed into the railing also. Travis's door was also no good and his seat belt pinned him in place too. We were trapped with no hope of getting out.

“What a tit, I got it.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out my knife. It's a good thing I'm slightly paranoid and kept it with me all the time. I flipped it opened and was about to start on my seat belt when I heard it. A loud pop and crack. I looked up (or would it be down?) and saw the windshield as it started to web all over. Suddenly water kicked in the fragile glass and poured in. The knife was knocked out of my hand from the force and then sucked out. I managed to get on last big gulp of air before the water rushed in and I pulled desperately at the buckle. It was no use. I looked one last time at Travis as he was still out. He was lucky, he didn't have to know he died. I couldn't take it any longer as my lungs begged for air and I opened my mouth for it to be flooded. It was painful, a lot of people think it's not a painful way to go but it is, but it started to fade away. Everything started to fade away and I saw Travis for the last time. Lucky bastard...

The first thing I felt was soft grass. How did I know it was grass? It itched like hell but then it went away. Then a soft breeze ran over my chest as it slowly rose and fell. I was breathing? I didn't think you needed to breath in the next life. I heard the chirping and singing of birds with the rustling of leaves. It was warm and from behind my eyelids it was bright. I slowly opened my eyes and it stung as if I had been inside in the dark all day. I was looking up at a blue clear sky that didn't have a hint of pollution. Then I looked at my self and noticed I was wearing different clothes. I now had on a white shirt, black shorts, and brown flip flops. I heard groaning from some where behind me as I was done inspecting my self.

“Ugh... Meason?” it was Travis's voice and I looked back up at the sky. I saw something far up above but I couldn't make it out.

“Are we in Shangri-la?” I could hear him sitting up as he took a deep breath.

“Uhh didn' we die?” that's right I remember now.

“Eyup.” he stood up and I could see him if I rolled my eyes up, he also had a white shirt but black pants and black cowboy boots, but I just kept staring at what ever that was in the sky that was coming closer.

“Where's mah truck?” that's what it was.

“Right there.” I was so calm and relaxed as I noticed the one ton piece of shit falling towards me.

“Oh fuc-” then... BAM! Travis turned around in time to see his truck land on top of me and hear the loud crash and snapping of the axles. All four tires popped off and rolled away a couple feet, one stopped in front of him. He stared wide eyed with his mouth open for a bit. Then he flipped out.

“oh my-what the- Meason?!?!” funny why can I hear him? I had closed my eyes when the truck landed on me and now I opened them. I could see all the under carriage in my face and I felt really weird. I could still hear Travis flipping out.

“Don't worry I'm fine.” then I heard nothing as I started to wiggle me self out from under the truck. I don't know how I did it because the body was smashed into the ground but I squeezed through. I popped out with a... pop and floated to the ground slowly. Then I noticed I was flat and I mean flat as a piece of paper until with another pop I filled back out. Travis stared at him in slight horror.

“But... you...” I stared at my self and looked my self over. Perfectly fine like always (ha).

“What the hell?”

“ONE!” both of us snapped out of it and flinched. Then I repeated my self.

“What the hell?”

“TWO!” we both stayed quiet as we had no idea where this powerful booming voice came from. When we recovered from shock we looked at each other again.

“Where are we Travis?” he looked around and shrugged his shoulders.

“Ah have no clue.” I looked around my self and then I saw it. With out moving my eyes I tapped him on the shoulder and now both of us stared at the same place. It was... Ponyville.

“Meason is that...”

“Eyup.”

“So we're in...”

“Eyup.”

“That means...”

“I'm going to meet Fluttershy and see if she really is like everyone writes about in the bedroom.” Travis slowly looked at me as I said that really fast.

“Really that's the first thing yer goin' to do?” now yes I'll admit it I am a clopper and I think Fluttershy is best pony but it doesn't mean I was going to go over there right away and try to rut her. I mean come on I am a guy but I like a little romance. I grinned evilly at him and it really freaked him out. Why? Because my eyes and my smile started to grow and I mean grow. Soon they blocked out the rest of my face but I kept going. Then they popped and shrunk back to regular size, deflating like a balloon.

“How the hell did ya do that?” funny no booming voice. I shrugged and looked back at Ponyville with horrendously sexy thoughts. I should never be allowed in Equestria but it was to late. Then I saw a streak of rainbow coming towards us.

“Dude, dude, dude be cool!” I started grabbing Travis and then suddenly slapped him really hard as... SHE neared. Travis was rubbing his face as the rainbow circled around us and slowly descended. I think I might have chibbied when she landed in front if us because everything became bigger to me and sparkled. They both stared at me until they snapped out of it. It was Rainbow Dash and I couldn't believe my suddenly tiny self. I grew back to normal as she talked.

“Uhh hey. You guys alright? I saw something fall and heard the crash all the way in town.” you see Travis calls me super brony a lot. I don’t dress up or pretend I'm in a relationship with one of them, I just really like them. Travis recovered first.

“Yeah just a little shook up.” she nodded and I finally came to.

“You wouldn't happen to be Rainbow dash would you?” Travis looked at me and raised an eye brow as I winked at him.

“Yes. Hey you two are one of those humans Twilight's been talking about right?” I ran a hand through my hair being smooth.

“I don’t know who that is but yes we are. I'm Meason and this here is Travis. And I hear that you are the fastest in all of Equestria.” she just smiled smugly and suddenly inspected something on her right hoof.

“I don’t like to brag but yeah.” I smiled evilly again.

“OK then lets race. Readysetgo!” I was off in a literall blast of dirt as I left the two behind and was now in Ponyville. I turned back to see them both still standing back by the truck far off. Did I really ran that fast? It didn't matter because a saw a hopping pink bundle of pure personality that was the greatest. Back with the other two they watched as I went into town.

“Ok the only living creature in all of Equestria that I know can do that is Pinkie Pie.” Travis nodded then it hit him.

“Oh no.” Rainbow dash turned to him with raised eye brow.

“Meason is an autistic man-child and if he meets Pinkie pie there may not be a Ponyville.” she took off suddenly and went back to town. Travis was going to follow but then he remembered. He looked at Ponyville and then to his truck. He didn't know what to do.

“Don' worry baby Ah'll be back.” with that he took off to town where something absolutely magical was about to happen. Oh and did I meantion I should never be allowed in Equestria.

The Reel Big Fish edition

There she was, so total and utterly... random. I couldn't help my self as I rush forward while she was sitting down on a bench with gummy, that adorable murderer. I ran up to her and grabbed her while spinning. Other ponies watched confused as I swung her around and then brought her into a hug. I set her down and she was still unbalanced.

“Hi Pinkie Pie!” her eyes focused and she looked at me.

“You know my name?” I smiled really big.

“Of course. Who else looks like bubble gum and throws the best parties in all of Equestria?” she jumped up and smiled.

“That's right and some times I taste like bubble gum too!” I couldn't believe it. I was here in Equestria with Pinkie Pie.

“I bet you do...” I started feeling strange again and I knew I had to use it.

“Omc I can't help it I just have to...” I was so over whelmed and had to let out the pure awesomeness of everything. So I just let what ever was in side of me just happen. Now I had no idea where the guitar came from or the band. I didn't know I could play guitar or sing but I went with it. Rainbow Dash made back in town with Travis not to far behind and they came in time for the show. I just started shredding with the electric guitar, playing by my self as ponies started to gather around. It was Eruption and I played the hell out of it, when I was done they started to pound their hooves on the ground. Then the band played with me as lead singer.

~Talking away

I don’t know what's left to say

I'm sayin' it anyway

today's not my day to find you

shying away

I'll be coming for you're love ok?

Taaaaaaaaaaake ooooooooooon meeeeeeeeee

taaaaaaaaaaake meeeeeeeee ooooooon

iiiiiiii'll beeeeeee goooooone

in a day or twooooooooo~

Next thing I know Pinkie and me are back to back playing and singing. I started to leak liquid pride. This was the greatest day in my life. I don't know how she knew the lyrics but she kept up perfectly with me as we played. Travis was awe struck as he heard me sing. Lets just say the last time I was singing people called the cops thinking some one was being sodomized. We rocked so hard that the entire town was now gathered around and that’s when she saw me. Lyra couldn't believe it. There was a human in Equestria. She read all about them and for as long as she could remember she wanted to meet one... so she was going to. She started pushing her way through the crowd as the song was coming to an end and I was playing the last part of the song. I strummed out the last note as she reached me. I didn't think anything about it as Pinkie and I bowed as the crowd stomped with excitement. The band was gone and we put our guitars up I don’t know where as the crowd began to leave. All but Lyra. She just stood there staring at me in awe. At this point it still hadn't hit me who she was... until she jumped at me. Leaping strait at my chest, she knocked me down onto the ground and stared really hard at me with a creepy smile. Click. Now I just figured it out. I was pinned down on the ground by the one pony who had a fetish for humans.

“Uhh hey... did you like the song?” I was doomed. She just kept smiling at me with a rape face and started to breath heavily. It was Pinkie pie to the rescue. Suddenly her face was in front of mine as she had slipped under Lyra.

“That was awesome! Who are you anyway?” behind the mountain of pink mane I could see Lyra slip off and creep away.

“Meason, half Mexican and half Italian extraordinary and just near rape victim.” she had a large smile as she looked at me.

“Do you want to be?”

“What?”

“Meason!” I tilted my head back to see Travis coming our way and Pinkie Pie got off me.

“Dude what was that?” I could see he was still in shock from my amazing skills. I got off the ground and dusted my self off as a familiar purple unicorn walked up. It seemed she was excited to see humans in Equestria but wasn't going to plow me down... I hope. Twilight walked up to Travis and me with bright eyes and a book levitating behind her.

“Wow I was just reading about humans. This is great, now I can study you first hand.” I put up a hand near her face as if to stop her.

“If you want a private “study” that's going to cost you.” she looked at me really confused and Travis snickered.

“That's what she said.”

“ONE!” everyone jumped looking around for the booming voice that came from out of no where. Twilight recovered and looked at me again in confusion.

“So I have to pay to study you?” I just grinned.

“Oh once you pay you can to more then just study.” I winked at her and I think she finally got it as she started to blush. At this time cue in the rest of the gang. Applejack was rolling in a cart full of apples and Rarity and Fluttershy had just came back from the spa. I think I chibbied once again because everyone was looking down at me and they sparkled. Travis was really worried about all this strange Pinkie pie stuff I could suddenly do now. Who knows what kind of shenanigans I could get into with this kind of... power.

“Uh what with the lil' guy?” Applejack's accent was some much better in person and better then Travis's. I started to grow back to normal as Rainbow Dash spoke.

“His name is Meason and the other is Travis. I found them on the out skirts of town.” Twilight stepped forward as Travis stood next to me. Her eyes were bright and wide.

“How did you get here? Was it magic? Could you show me?” she spoke really fast and Travis was about to say something but I cut him off.

“We were killed.” they all looked at us as Travis just shrugged and nodded in agreement.

“You were killed?” it was Rarity who spoke.

“Eyup. Pushed off a bridge and drowned.” Travis turned to me confused.

“We drowned?”

“Eyup. You were knocked out and I got to experience every agonizing second of water filling my lugs.” I felt a strange felling and put my lips together spitting out water at Travis, it was kind of like emphasizing my point.

“Then how are you alive?” that was Twilight again and a had a great answer.

“Well miss smart ass we don't know.” this was all very confusing to her and even me but I was enjoying it immensely. Twilight asked us some more questions and it was getting to warm for my taste. So I turned and walked strait to Twilight's house.

“Sorry about him. He's a lil' screwy in the head.” Travis apologized to Twilight as everyone watched me just walk off. They all headed after me and I was just sitting on the couch reading a book. Everyone got situated and Travis sat down next to me as Twilight called for Spike. He came in and stared at us two and the purple unicorn came over.

“So whatcha readin'” Travis looked over as I flipped through the book.

“It's a book about anti-gravity and I can't put it down.” I let go off it and it floated above my lap. Twilight just burst into laughter and even had tears running down her face. We all just looked at her funny.

“You laughed to hard at that.” I plucked the book out of the air and tossed it to the side. She looked embarrassed and turned to Spike. At this point I turned to Travis whispering as she had Spike take a letter.

“Dude do you understand how great this is?”

“But how did we get 'ere? And how do we get back?” I hadn't really thought about it but now that I was it was clear to me.

“I don't care. I've dreamed of having something like this happen and now it is. You can go back but I'm staying. I've had enough of 'home', it can go to hell.”

“THREE!” we all jumped again at the booming voice. Was it always going to count off each time I said hell (heads up, yes it will)? Travis had a thought (which wasn't often).

“Where are we gona sleep?” Pinkie bound for us and jumped right into my lap.

“He can stay with me!” the others gave her an uneasy look.

“Pinkie dear, I don't think that's a good idea. I mean Mr. and Mrs. Cake have only so much room and the two of you are... umm.” I could see what Rarity was getting at and I agreed in my head. There probably wouldn't be a Sugarcube Corner left.

“Well one of them can stay with me.” it was Twilight who offered. I stood up and hovered an inch off the floor over to her while placing Pinkie on my head like a hat. I raised both eye brows with a grin as I looked at her. Applejack spoke up.

“Then Travis can stay with me. And by the sound of it yer gona feel right at home sugarcube.” Travis smiled, his was not a creeper smile like mine are, and nodded his head. We discussed some more things, like stuff about us and our home, and at about three I was getting hungry.

“So what's there to eat here. I could 'never' guess what yall eat.” I winked at Travis who held back a chuckle. Spike rushed off with out Twilight telling him to and was back in a few minutes with full arms (which wasn't much seeing how they are so short). He laid out the food on the table and Travis and me went to chow down. But there was a problem. It was all hay related foods. I poked at a hay burger as my stomach growled.

“Here you eat first.” I grabbed the burger and shoved it in to Travis's mouth. He gagged (which he does a lot when I'm around) a little and started to chew hesitantly. He thought and swallowed.

“Not bad.” he started eating the rest of the burger as I picked up a hay shake. I sniffed it then took a sip. He was right, not to shabby. We ate until we were full as the others, except Applejack and Twilight, left. I spun around and rushed Fluttershy. There was no way she was leaving with out saying a single thing, I picked her up and looked her right in the eyes.

“You're adorable.” she squeaked when I grabbed her and now she blushed.

“T-thank you.” I put her down happy and went back to the food. The others gave me strange looks and I pretended not to notice as I finished my food. After we were done eating I was getting restless and wanted to do something... or someone. Applejack had stepped out to get things ready at the farm for Travis so that just left Twilight. I turned to Twilight who was taking down notes as she observed us. She didn't hear me walk up behind her as she watched Travis who was playing a game of chess with Spike. I stood right behind her and slowly placed a hand just above her tail, she froze and just stared strait forward. I started walking my fingers alone her spine and watched her with my eyes half closed. I then spoke soft and smooth.

“So when are you wanting that 'private' study session?” she turned her head to look at me with big eyes. She stuttered something but was interrupted.

“Meason, leave Twilight alone. Go and mess with somepony else.” Travis had stopped his game and Spike took the opportunity to switch around some of the pieces on the board.

“Yeah I should. I'm going to go find Pinkie and raise some hell.”

“FOUR!” we all jumped again, it seemed like we would never get use to that voice. I stopped molesting Twilight and went out the door. Twilight didn't know what to do, Travis tried to comfort her.

“Meason's a lil'... strange but he's a good guy. He's one of the best friend someone can ask for and do anythin' for you. Just think of him as like another Pinkie pie...”

A loud explosion thundered in the air and shook the library. Twilight looked alarmed but Travis just went on.

“... only worse.” only Celestia knew what happened out side and Travis really didn’t want to go find out. Some time went on and night was coming closer. Applejack came back for Travis and I still hadn't come back, I had one more thing to do.

“Ok sugarcube, everythin' is all ready for you.” Applejack, Twilight, and Travis all went out side where I met them with my band that I have no idea where they come from. They just stepped out the door and we where waiting just a few feet away.

“So Travis before you leave, I have a song for you.”

~I wrote this song about you

I wrote this song about you

Just to let you know that I hate your guts

And I think you suck...~

I don’t think I was going to be able to go a day with out singing, I was just to awesome. Although I felt something else that was weird, like I was being watched. Little did I know that it was Lyra and she had something planed for me. I don't know how she never saw Travis. Lucky bastard.

Just some more things to come

Ok let's recap. It has been a whole week since Travis and me have been in Equestria now. He stays with the Apple family and I've been staying with Twilight and Spike. Now no rutting or anything of that sort as happened but I do put Twilight in a lot of sexual situations. I have calmed down quiet a bit but Pinkie and me still have fun and even Rainbow Dash joins us when we go pranking. Everything has been going pretty good and I'm up to fourteen on my 'hell count'. I don't know where Travis is with his since we haven't see each other a lot. We mostly are with the mares doing something together. Right now Travis was helping Applejack with the harvest and actually liked it. Manual labor, ew. Me on the other hoof (ha), I was wondering the town with that same strange feeling. I was brought out of my thoughts when something soft landed on my head and bounced onto the ground. I looked down to see a muffin in front of my feet so I picked it up. I dusted it off and inspected it closer. Where did it come from? I looked up in time to see something gray and blonde falling at me.

“Oh fuc...” BAM! I was out cold. How did I know? I woke up in a soft bed with bandages around my head. I didn't know where I was at but I smelt something really good, it started to make my mouth water. I tried to sit up but it made my head throb and I noticed something else.

“Where the hell are my clothes?”

“FIFTEEN!” now that really made my head hurt and I could here someone coming. I looked up to see Derpy. Now I'm sure it was her that fell on me.

“You're awake, good. I was so worried when I couldn't get you to wake up after I landed on you.” this was awesome yet painful. I got to meet Derpy but not in the way I would have liked.

“Oh don’t worry about me, I'm pretty tough.” I tried to sit up again but I just clutched my head in pain. Derpy rushed forward in concern.

“Don't move you need to rest.” I looked right into her... eye. One was looking directly back at mine and the other upward. I really don't care what anyone else thought. I liked her eyes and thought they were beautiful. I laid back down and nodded. She covered me back up and turned to leave.

“I'll go get something for you to eat, so lay back and relax. Lyra will be back with something for your head.” now this time I sat up as she rounded the corner, going back to where ever she was.

“L-Lyra?” I heard some clanking of dishes most likely and she called out.

“Yes, she helped me bring you to her house so we could take care of you.” I suddenly felt like I could take on a gorilla in arm wrestling. No need for them to take care of me. All better. But one problem. I was still naked. Now I may have an awesome bod (snicker) but there was little ones out there and I do have some respect... some. Then I heard the front door open so I shot down under the covers and pretended to be asleep. I had a feeling I knew who it was.

“Hey Derpy, I'm back.” oh dear Celestia help me. I could here the soft patter of hooves coming closer to me. My entire body was under the blanket and I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Oh hey Lyra. He's in your bedroom and he's awake.” damn it, no use faking it now. I slowly pulled the blanket down my face only to come face to face with Lyra.

“Uh hi.” she had that same rape face as she leaned over me. I'm trapped in Lyra's house with her hovering over me while I'm injured. I wonder what Travis is doing, so that's where we're going. At about the time Derpy crashed into me, Travis was sitting in the living room of the Apple house. An excited Applebloom was jumping around him.

“This is gona be so fun, ah can't wait!” reluctantly Travis had agreed to help the Crusaders with lasso cutie marks. It's hard to say no to six large, pleading eyes. So now as he followed Applebloom to the two other Crusaders he was having serious thoughts about running off. But a promise was a promise. They found Scottaloo and Sweetie Belle by some cows with piles of rope.

“Awesome you're here. Stand over there so we can start.” Scottaloo was a little excited her self to try to rope Travis. All three Crusaders grabbed some rope and started. Now Travis was totally relaxed because not a single one of them could reach half way to him after an hour. He waited patently for them to get board and give up until Sweetie Belle finally got him. The noose slipped down to his ankles as she had let go and cheered.

“Yay, I got him.” unfortunately the end of the rope was for some reason tied to the leg of a nearby cow and her sudden yelling spooked it. She took off fast and Travis had his feet yanked out from underneath him, being dragged behind the cow. The Crusaders jump over Travis as he flailed around trying to get free. The cow was fast, fast enough to out run the three fillies who chased after them. The cow was heading strait for the orchard and turned to dodge a tree, causing the rope to snap. Travis kept on rolling though and rolled face first into the tree.

“You ok sugarcube?” Travis opened his eyes to meet Applejack's over him. He tried speaking but his throat was dry and he tasted blood.

“Don't worry, we'll get you inside and cleaned up.” she stepped aside as Big Mac came forward, slipping his head under Travis's arm and pulling him up. They made it slowly to the house where the three fillies waited nervously. They were sure he would be angry at them but he wasn't.

“Oh don't worry about it girls. It was just an accident.” they all went inside and Applejack got a wet rag to clean off the blood from Travis's forehead.

“Now that's strange, no cuts at all.” with all the blood gone she couldn't see a single scratch on his head.

“Well the good thing is you're fine, so let's eat everypony... and Travis.” they all settled down around the dinner table and prepared to eat dinner. Travis was having a swell time... asshole. Now back to what is important. Me.

“Oh don't worry, I'll take good care of you.”

“That's what I'm afraid of.” Lyra was laying on top of me, I wasn't going anywhere soon. She ran a hoof through my hair and looked at me seductively. It really wasn't helping that she was running her tail up my leg from out side the blanket, the only thing separating us. Derpy finally came in and she got off me with a grumble.

“I brought muffins!” She came up to me with a basket filled with freshly baked muffins that smelt absolutely wonderful. I took a deep breath and forgot all about my near rape experience again as she placed them in front of me. Golden brown with some steam coming off them, I couldn't wait to try them. I grabbed one and tossed it between hands because it was still a bit to warm. At this point my mouth was watering bad and I couldn't stand it any more. I took a large bite and it tasted... completely average. Needless to say I was confused, all I ever read about was how amazing her muffins were but this...

“There... wonderful.” I swallowed what was in my mouth and placed it down besides me. Derpy smiled and turned to leave. Once she was gone Lyra spoke up from across the room.

“Yeah they're crap.” I looked over at her then back at the muffin.

“I wouldn't say that. It's just... not what I expected.” she shrugged and started walking over to me.

“Now if you're in the mood for a different 'muffin', we can always lock the door.” why the hell am I always placed in these situations (karma, bitch)?

“Sorry I'm allergic.” I pulled up the blanket as she got to the bed side and grabbed the basket full of muffins. She poured them out on the floor and looked at me innocently.

“Opps.” I didn't understand what she was doing until she slammed the basket into my head. It didn't hurt but it caught me off guard and she pounced me.

“Now me and you are going to-” she didn't get to finish that sentence as Derpy called out once again.

“Hey Lyra where are his cloths?” Lyra looked irritated and placed both front hooves on my chest to hold me down.

“He doesn't need them right now.”

“But Pinkie Pie is here and she said she need's his help with something.” Lyra huffed and leaned forward as she whispered to me.

“Don't worry, we'll finish this later.” she got off me and headed out the door.

“I'll get them and help him dress.” I didn't like the sound of that, I was perfectly able to do it on my own. She came back moments later using her magic to levitate them and stopped at the door, dropping them. She gave me another seductive look, I knew what she wanted me to do. I was smart and wrapped the blanket around me as I got out of bed. I guess she hadn't plan on me doing that and left angry. I dressed quickly and headed for the front door where Pinkie was bouncing up and down waiting for me.

“Well thank you Derpy... and Lyra. I'll see you later.” Derpy waved as I left with Pinkie and Lyra looked pretty pissed that she didn't get to have things go her way again. As we turned a corner and was out of their sight I looked at Pinkie.

“Thank you, you had no idea what-”

“Yes I did.” I stared at her she she just kept walking along.

“What do you-”

“I was contemplating on whether or not I should let her but then I thought that if I did you would be to tired for us to go party.” I stopped and stared at her again as she just kept on walking like nothing happened. So the only thing that saved me was that she wanted to go party, don't I feel special. I followed her again feeling less like partying. We went to Sugarcube corner and sat inside. I wonder what Travis is doing about now? Let's go see.

“... and pull!” Travis held onto a large rope that was tied to what was left of the bumper of his truck. After some discussion about his life before he remembered his truck, sitting all alone in the field. He just had to bring it back and Applejack insisted on helping, so the two and Big Mac headed for his truck. Now the had ropes tied on it and pulled it back to Sweetapple acres. With the tire broken off it was a horrible task that left them exhausted half way there. They sat against the truck trying to catch their breath as a Purple unicorn came along.

“Hey you guys. What's that?” Twilight looked over the beaten hunk of junk they rested on.

“This here is mah baby.” Travis patted the hood and the driver side door popped off with a loud groan.

“Well it seems that your 'baby' is falling apart.” Travis stood up and went to place the door in the bed of the truck, sighing sadly.

“So Twilight, do ya think ya can help us move this thing?” Applejack spoke as her and Big Mac stood up once again. Twilight looked over the battered metal and thought, after a little while she formed a plan. She would use her magic to levitate it a small amount off the ground and they would keep pulling.

“Thank you a bunch lil' lady.” Travis said as they made it back with in ten minutes and placed the truck near the barn. It was getting late so Applejack invited Twilight for dinner and she accepted. It seems like once again Travis is having a wonderful time and me... well it wasn't pretty. I was at Sugarcube corner for only about five minutes when Lyra walked in, I knew she was trouble. I was just hoping she wouldn't do anything since the Cakes were here. I was sitting at the counter pretending not to notice her as she sat besides me to the right. I just sipped on a chocolate milk shake trying to think of the ways I could get out of this. But something was off. She ignored me too and ordered the same as me. When her shake came she pour some sugar in it, I thought they were sweet enough as is and I love sweet stuff. She mixed it in and finally turned to me as if she just noticed me.

“Would you give me the honey please?” she smiled sweetly and I blinked at her. I turned to the left of me and spotted the honey jar, grabbing it. I turned to find her still smiling and handed it over to her, watching her pour it into her shake and sip on it. Nothing happened after wards and we both sat there, the only noises from the sipping. Mine tasted different though. It was colder and had a... bitter... after taste... wow, Lyra suddenly just seemed to glow... I think... I... might... be... in...

I regret nothing

I felt heavy and my head was foggy, I have no idea what happened. The last thing I remember was the... shake. Now it came to me. I heard shuffling around after I turned to get the honey for... Lyra. She must have switched the shakes after she put something in her shake. Something tells me that when I open my eyes I won't like what I see. I then slowly opened my eyes and what I saw I... liked. It was just the sky, bright blue with few fluffy clouds. Something was around the sky though like it was in a frame. I looked around and noticed that there was walls made of... dirt all around me. Then I heard heavy breathing and low, frantic talking.

“Oh my Celestia, what have I done?” it was Lyra and she seemed really worried about something. Why was there dirt wall around me? Suddenly I was hit in the face with something and it got in my mouth. It tasted horrible, it was dirt. Dirt? Dirt! I was being buried alive. I spat it out as more dirt came raining down on me.

“Hey what the hell are you doing?”

“FIFTEEN!” I heard a yelp and then nothing at all for a couple of moments. Then Lyra slowly poked her head over the edge of my grave.

“Oh my Celestia, you're alive!” she smiled in relief but I just gave her a pissed look. I wasn't about to be buried alive twice in my life (I am never going back to Mexico). I stood up and shook the dirt off me as she backed up. It wasn't hard for me to get out since the hole was only deep enough to cover me up with a couple feet of dirt. Now I stood facing her and she looked at me sheepishly. Then she burst into tears.

“I'm so sorry. After I drugged you I made an excuse to the Cakes and dragged you out. But by the time we got here to the park you stopped breathing and I thought I killed you.” I just looked at here with a blank face, literally. I didn't have a face any more. Turning around my face came back and I walked off leaving her next to my would-be grave. I was going to go to Twilight's and go to bed. I've had a very bad time. Lyra just watched me walk off with out a word to her and she felt relieved she hadn't killed me. She thought at least now she could keep on stalking me but not stalking. More like very careful, nearly every second of the day watching over me and making sure I was alright. I have a knack for attracting crazy woman... and gay man for that matter. I guess nether sex, human or pony, could resist me (totally).

“Hey Meason, why are you covered in dirt?” it was dark by the time I made it back to the tree house and I walked in on the middle of dinner between Twilight, Spike, and Rarity. I ignored Twilight's question and kept walking.

“Um darling are you alright?” I stopped and looked over at them as Rarity spoke.

“Peachy.” I resumed walking and went to Twilight's bed, I usually slept on the couch but I didn't care right now. Laying down under the covers it felt so good to be able to relax and I fell asleep fast. I don't know how long I was asleep but sometime after midnight I was awoken by someone calling my name.

“... could you at least scoot over?” I did as I was asked and twilight slipped in next to me. I hope she didn't mind the... dirt? I opened an eye and saw that I was clean and there was no dirt in the bed. Strange but I didn't care, I was tired. I quickly fell back to sleep.

“Hehe, that feels nice.” a voice woke me up and being hit in the face with sun light. I opened my eyes to nothing but dark blue hair with purple strips.

“Oh my tap dancing Celestia what did I do now?” I was nearly all over Twilight. My left hand was under her on her chest bringing her close to me. My right hand was on her flank by the top of her tail. She had her left leg draped over my legs and was arching a lot into me. I was ok with this.

“I never new fingers could be so... magical.” I chuckled and wish I could remember what I did, maybe I was still affected by the drugs some what.

“What are you talking about?” Twilight shot up and looked at spike who was very confused. Her face was bright red which was funny because it was purple.

“NOTHING! He just gave me a... massage, yeah he gave me a massage.” I guess Spike was ok with that answer as he just nodded his head.

“Can I have one?” Twilight got even brighter, she was almost glowing by now.

“No, go and fix breakfast.” he turned around a little grumpy and left. Twilight let out a sigh of relief and laid back down facing me.

“Maybe I just might pay you for the private “study”, even more so since after last night.” ok what the hell did I do?

“What did you do last night?” Twilight shot up again looking at spike who was holding a tray of food. Wow he was fast.

“Nothing Spike, why don't you take the day off.” he didn't argue with that. He set down the tray on the bad and ran off. After the door closed she waited a couple of seconds and took another sigh of relief. Once again she laid back down next to me.

“So now that he is gone we can-”

“DELIVERY MOTHERBUCKER!” we both shot up as suddenly the door burst open and something came hurdling through the air right at my face. Now when this defying laws of nature and physics happens it makes me feel really weird, like at this moment for instance. I don't know who delivered the package since it was a male's voice but they got one hell of an arm. It was lodged right in my face about six inches. Twilight carefully pried the package from the crater in my face and it popped back to normal. I watched her open it and inside was a letter and something wrapped in paper. She opened the letter as I grabbed the other thing.

“It's from Princess Luna.” she read the letter as I opened what ever it was. It took everything I had not to bust out laughing when I had it opened. It was a ball gag.

“I-I have to go.” she was red again as she took the letter and the ball gag from me. She hurried out the door as I laid there still in bed laughing hard. This was going to be kinky and I wish I was there.

“Oh well let's go to the park.” I said to no one in particular (that would be you). I got out of bed and looked at my clothes again, spotless. Out side it was a beautiful day that was going to become a nightmare.

“Will you play us some music?” a couple of ponies, Colgate, Derpy, etc, was at the park and were around me now. I thought for a second about what I could play. When I had it my pony band appeared and so did my electric guitar. Now when I play I forget about everything else that's happen and get lost in the music, the first two songs were not the problem. I played Dirty Little Secret and Not your Fault, it was the third song that screwed me over. I had a large crowd of ponies in front of me as I was rocking out and really couldn't pin point individuals. Then I started the song that ended my life. Not really but it led to horrible acts of what the fuck.

~oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh WOO!

She calls me on the phone

hoping that I'm home

and that I’m all alone

but when I say hello,

I only hear dial tone

she thinks that I'm her own

outside my window she crept

watching my every step

oh oh oh

she's following me

oh oh oh

she's out of her tree

oh oh oh

she's off of her rocker

I want to marry my stalker~

You know how some people, or ponies, think that when you say something, or sing, that it was meant for them. They get it in their head that you are talking about or to them when you're not. That one line, that repeats more in the song, suddenly set something off in Lyra's mind as she stood in the crowd. Me on the other hand, I didn't think a thing about it. It was just a song. The most wrong right song (or is it most right wrong song) to sing when you have a delusional pony stalking you, who already drugged you too. How was I going to get out of this one? I don't know because I wasn't thinking about it as I finished the song and the crowd stomped in applause. I put my guitar away and the band disappeared like before. The crowd started to disperse but some ponies came up to me still praising me, soon even they left. All but one. Lyra came up to me fast with a very excited look on her face. She stopped in front of me and I looked at her with her wide bright eyes.

“Yes.” it was all she said and then she ran off. I was confused at what she was talking about but then it hit me. It hit me like a sack full of ADHD children. I turned and ran the other way as fast as possible. Unfortunately for me some people, or ponies for this matter, can rationalize the unrationalable (you know what that word is even if it isn't a word. Stupid spell check). Believe what they are doing is perfectly fine. I just needed a place to hide. Forever. I ran back to town and into Travis, been a while since I’ve seen him. He was in Sugarcube corner eating ice cream.

“Hey bud, what's wrong?” I was breathing hard, fat people are not meant for running, and trying not to fall over. I looked out the window and saw her. I jumped past Travis who was sitting at the counter and I hide behind it. He looked at me confused and then at the door when it opened. I don't know how in the name of Celestia she didn't see Travis, but she didn't. She walked right back out and I waited for a little bit before coming out.

“What was that about?” I didn't answer him instead I left and hurried to the tree house. When I got in I locked the door and closed every window.

“I think I'm safe.” again to no one else as I spoke. I went to the couch and laid down, all this “excitement” was very tiring even though it was only noon. A nap would make everything better. I'm not sure how long I was asleep but something felt wrong. I woke up and rubbed my eyes. Looking around everything seemed normal.

“Something tells me I should... JUMP!” it wasn't really a jump, more like pitching forward as a net fell on the couch. I quickly got up and looked around. It was really dark. Earlier there was some candles but now they were all out. I could see about five feet around me but beyond that was dark. “Monster's hiding in the dark” dark. I didn't hear a thing either, not a single sound. I felt something behind me. Now every horror movie has taught me to just run but I slowly turned around. I nearly had a heart attack as Lyra came into view with a large smile, holing a hoof up with something on it.

“What are-” she suddenly blew what ever it was in my face and backed away into the shadows. I coughed and swatted away the powder as I looked for her. I knew my life was in danger but I felt really sleepy even though I had taken a nap. Maybe... I... could...

I could tell I was standing up but I don’t know how. I didn't feel foggy like before but I really hoped I wasn't being buried again.

Do you like chocolate?

The voice seemed distance but I answered it, out loud.

“Yes, I do.”

“I know pronounce you man and wife.” What?

“What?” I opened my eyes to see a Priest pony in front of me and... Lyra. She was wearing a white wedding gown and I was in a tux.

“You may now kiss the bride.” Lyra didn't give me a chance to react and attacked my lips with hers. Minty. She broke away with a huge smile and turned me. We stood in front of a crowd of ponies who I had no idea who any of them were. She dragged me along a red carpet covered in flower petals to a carriage as the ponies cheered. I was still in shock as she led my into the carriage and we took off.

“Where are we going?” I recovered just enough to talk. She turned to me with a devious smile and gleam in her eye.

“We're going on our honeymoon.”

“Oh fuck me.”

“We'll be doing that and more.” I hadn't realized I said that out loud. I was doomed.

When a man loves a pony

I woke up alone, which happens often and makes me sad but this time I was full of joy. I sat up and looked around the hotel I was in with Lyra for our honeymoon. She was no where to be seen and I took this chance to tear the hell out of there. I got dressed back in the tux, sloppily, and made a break for it. Turns out I was still in Ponyville so I just went strait for the tree house. I looked all around as I ran but still no Lyra. I made it inside and was greeted by Travis.

“Hey bud, so what happened the other day?” he was sitting on the couch with a book in hand and I trudged over to him and sat next to him.

“I got married.” he gave me a puzzled look.

“To?” I took a deep breath.

“You know Lyra?”

“Yea-oh. Damn... so what happened?” This asshole, I still can't figure out how she didn’t see him.

“She drugged me twice and the first time she thought she killed me. I woke up in a hole as she was throwing dirt back over me. And now we're married. So... how have you been?” he gave me a worried look and answered me.

“Well pretty good. Ah've been helpin' the Apple's harvest and they even been helpin' me fixin' my truck.” stupid piece of shit, that thing needed to be junked.

“So you've been having just a perfect Brony time.”

“What's a Brony?” we both jumped and looked around to find Pinkie Pie in the room with us. Travis looked like he had been caught with his hand down his pants (again) but I just spoke calmly.

“It's a guy that likes ponies.” she thought about it then smiled.

“Okie dokie lokie.” then she hopped off to the door and left. Travis took a sigh of relief and I just sat back.

“Where's Twilight?” Travis went back to his book and answered me.

“She left to go get something or another. She'll be back soon.” that's nice. I wonder where Lyra is? It's not that I care about her I just want to make sure I was safe. I went to the bathroom and got out of the tux, underneath was my normal clothing. It's weird how I always have them on and they are clean. Coming out the bathroom I noticed Travis was gone and everything was quiet, almost to quiet. I didn't like this at all. I knew I might regret it but I quickly turned around to find... nothing. I looked around some more and saw no one at all. I could have sworn it was Lyra again but no one was here but me. I shrugged my shoulders and decided I would take another nap, so I went to lay down on Twilight's bed. Maybe if I was lucky something would happen and I would be awake to remember it this time.

“See here's the other one like Travis."

“Wow he's big.”

“And a little fat.” it was three different voices and the last one sounded a little tom boyish, the one that called me fat. Now I know I was fat but to call someone fat while they are sleeping and you're in the same room with them is a little messed up. I opened my eyes and sat up to be greeted by six adorable stares. It was the Cutie Mark Crusaders and how they got in I don't know.

“Fat am I?” Scottaloo looked at me sheepishly with a blush and the other two giggled. Then I heard something like dishes being set down.

“Girls time for lunch.” it was Twilight who was calling out. The three fillies left in a hurry and I got up, following them. I walked slowly so when I got there they were already sitting down and about to eat.

“Oh hey Meason I didn't know you were here.” Funny a lot of people have told me that. I just nodded for some reason and sat down next to Sweetie Belle, Scottaloo and Applebloom sat on the other side. They were eating salads, again. One of the few things I missed was meat, no place here had meat. I could always corner a pony at night but I'm not that disparate... or am I?

“Oh Twilight I was wondering if you and, Meason right, were special someponies to each other?” Sweetie Belle suddenly asked this random question from nowhere and if I had been eating I would still have been eating, the question didn't surprise me at all. Twilight on the other hoof nearly choked on air and went red.

“Now why would you ask that?” she looked really nervous and I thought it was funny.

“Because he was sleeping in your bed and then Spike had told us about magic fingers-”

“I'm leaving, see you later.” I got up and quickly made it to the door. As funny as it would have been to see her try to answer that would have been, I didn't want to be in the middle of it. Now that I was free from that I needed something to do, something to get me away from here for a bit. After a little walking around I saw Derpy over head letting fliers drop to ponies below. I caught one as it fell and read it. It said three days from now was... Pony-gra? That sound like...

“No way? Can it be?” if my hunch was correct I was about to be partying like an epileptic at a rave. I went back to the tree house as they finished lunch.

“Twilight what is Pony-gra?” she looked up quickly but Scottaloo answered me.

“It's really huge party in Canterlot. Rainbow dash said it's for adults only though but I don't know why.” Jack pot. I turned right back around and ran. I had to find someone to go with me, someone had to drag me back or I'd be stuck in a gutter for a week before I woke up. It was Fluttershy I found first who was just going for a walk. I ran up to her and picked her up to my face really close.

“Pony-gra.” she looked at me for a second confused.

“It's a really big party in Canterlot and-”

“You're coming with me.” I picked her up over my head and ran before she could answer. As I was running I felt weird and that was because my body became a stick figure while my head stayed the same. So now a stick figure with my head holding Fluttershy in the air was running around town looking for...

“Rainbow Dash!” she was flying low when I called out to her. When she landed I popped back to normal.

“What's up?”

“Pony-gra.”

“Pony-gra?”

“Pony-gra.”

“Ok I'll get my stuff ready!” she took off in a blast, now that left one more.

“Um Meason? I'll go but will you put me down?” oh I was wondering why my arms were getting tired. I set her down and she left to her home to get ready. Now for the last pony. I looked high. I popped out of a cloud that Derpy was resting on.

“Have you seen Pinkie Pie?” she looked confused about where I suddenly came from.

“No.” I slipped back into the cloud and was gone, she started digging in the cloud trying to find me. Then I searched low. Mr Cake had just delivered an order and was heading back to the shop when he suddenly fell into a hole. I caught him as he was falling and looked him in the eye.

“Have you seen Pinkie?”

“Uh no.” I tossed him out the hole and it filled back up. Bon Bon was eating soup that had a mint leaf garnish when it suddenly shook and raised. My head raised out of her soup with the leaf on my head. Cheese soup, yummy.

“Have you seen Pinkie Pie?”

“...no...” I lowered back into the soup and was gone. She lifted the leaf then pushed back the bowl, she wasn't hungry any more. I kept on looking for her but had no luck at all, so at the moment I was sitting on a bench pouting.

“What's wrong?”

“I can't find you any where.” wait a tit. I turned quickly to see Pinkie pie sitting next to me.

“Yeah I hate it when I can't fine my self either.” I quickly grabbed her and pulled her into a hug.

“Pony-gra.” she pulled back with big eyes.

“Pony-gra?! That's only the most hard core party ever!” she zoomed off in a hurry in which I assumed to get stuff ready. Now that I had my party ponies getting ready I needed to also so I went back to the tree house. I packed quickly and waited, we wouldn't be leaving until tomorrow unfortunately.

“Oh I know let's go get Travis.” I went out side and started to Sweetapple acres when I noticed a stallion giving out free balloons. I quickly went to him and asked for a red one.

“Um sure but don't you think you're a bit to old for one?” I gave him a strange look.

“No, because no one is to old for free balloons.” and with that I floated off. I held the balloon above me and lifted off the ground as he watched in amazement. Now to Sweetapple acres and my virgin.

“So what does this thing do?” Applebloom asked Travis as she watched him repairing his truck.

“It's like a carriage but a lot faster.” she just nodded and suddenly looked up to see me floating up high.

“Uh Travis, can yar friend fly?” he turned and looked at her with a confused look.

“Not that ah know of. Why?” she pointed up and he saw me.

“Well ah hope he knows how to land.” I had been floating peacefully but then some asshole sparrow decided that it would land on top of my balloon. When it's claws touched the balloon I had I second of floating there to look down after it popped. I held up a sigh that had “uh-oh” on it and then I fell. I think I should have died but I didn't, I was just really flat. Travis and Applebloom ran over to the small crater I made as I was inflating my self back to normal.

“Uh Meason are ya ok?” Travis stopped in front of the crater as I was getting out.

“Like I was missing my Ritalin.” he looked at me confused but before he could say anything I spoke again.

“Pony-gra.” he looked at me confused again and so did Applebloom.

“Ah don't know what that is but ah can't go. Ah'ma going with the Apple's to the rodeo today and be back tomorrow late.” I gave him a grumpy look and walked off. They both looked at me confused. Nothing to do now but go to the tree house and wait. As I was waking down the path of Sweetapple something red caught my eye. Now let me be more specific since there is a shit ton of red things here. He had a green apple half on his flank, time to go have some fun.

“Well hey there big guy.” when I came up to Big Mac he was bucking trees like normal. He stopped and looked at me real quick then went back to bucking.

“Howdy.” it seems like that I'm going to have to keep this conversation going.

“So what's you're name big boy?” he stopped again and looked a little uncomfortable.

“Big Mac.”

“Hmm, do they call you that for obvious reasons or is it something else?” Wait. Did I just hit on him? He looked around real quick as if seeing if no one else was around.

“Ah guess ya have to find out on ya own.” damn it. Why do I have this effect on gay man? I had to get out of this quick.

“Maybe another time.” I winked at him and turned to leave. Why did I wink at him? It probably made things worse. When I was sure he couldn't see me any more I picked up the pace back into town. I got to the tree house just fine and found Twilight by her self.

“Hey Meason, I had a question for you.” she was sitting on the couch and I went over and sat next to her.

“Ok, shoot.” she looked around as if to see if no one was around. I didn't like this.

“What can I pay you with for the “study” time?” never mind, I liked this. I all ways liked nerdy chicks. She was sitting down like ponies normal do but her flank towards me. I gave her an impish smile and started walking my fingers on her flank.

“It depends on what you got to offer me.” she went red and looked around. I walked my fingers to her tail but then grabbed it, yanking her to me. She yelped when I did this and now I leaned over her face to face.

“So what do you have to offer me?” she became bright red as she looked up at me. Sometimes I'm a horrible person (ok a lot of times) but people enjoy it. Some really enjoy it.

To party like the best

I woke up early the next morning totally relaxed. I looked over next to me on Twilight's bed to find her sprawled out with her mane everywhere and knocked out. I might have been to ruff but the smile on her sleeping face said she loved it. I do give the best massages. I would say that massage topped off everything after all the rutting (yeah there I said it, it happened). To me I counted this as my first time here since the other time... I don't want to talk about it. Poor Travis, he was probably going to stay a virgin forever. I mean before last night my hand got more action then him (even though I don't remember what happened). I felt like pulling her real close and sleeping in today but then I remembered something important. Pony-gra. I carefully got out of bed so not to wake up Twilight and went to the bathroom. Every morning for me it's an amazing piss but today was different. When I went to piss it wasn't normal piss. Instead it was sparkling purple that had little stars raising from the toilet bowl.

“I really hope this isn't an STD.” now that I think of it, why didn't this happen with Lyra? And speaking of Lyra she was still missing which was weird. I flushed the toilet and walked away, oh well. I gathered my party supplies and went outside where the others were waiting.

“Took you long enough, I thought Twilight and you were doing something naughty.” it was Rainbow Dash speaking and she had a smirk. Fluttershy looked embarrassed just by her saying that and Pinkie Pie was bouncing around.

“Nope that was last night. We left each other pretty tired, I mean you should have seen it. Everywhere and I mean everywhere.” Rainbow Dash looked at me wide eyed and Fluttershy looked even more red, Pinkie was still bouncing around. We waited for our carriage to come and as we were, Twilight came (but not like last... never mind).

“Hey guys, leaving already?” Pinkie stopped mid bounce in the air and spoke.

“Well duh. We're going to the pre-party today that goes all they way through the night until the real party. Then we'll be back the day after.” Twilight just nodded and our carriage pulled up. The others got in and I stopped before I was all the way in (unlike last night when... never mind).

“I'll be back fo dat flank.” I ducked into the carriage as Twilight blushed and waved us off. Inside I sat with rainbow dash on one side and the other sat together across from us.

“I didn't know Twilight had it in her to rut at all.” Rainbow Dash spoke to as I sat down.

“Oh she diffidently had it in... I'm going to stop right there.” she laughed as the other two looked at us. We had some time to waste before we got there so Pinkie decided we needed to get our pre-game on. From her tail she pulled out a large bottle of... Applejack Danielle's.

“Down the hatch bitches.” she fulled up some shot glasses she pulled out her mane and passed them around. We all drank them at once in one gulp. One. She refilled them and we did it again. Two. Now we where rolling into Canterlot and when we stopped we stumbled out the carriage. Fifteen.

“Move you're ass!” Fluttershy became wild when she got drunk and it was pretty awesome. We looked around and they had party banners and decorations everywhere. Then there was a mass of ponies, minotaurs, dragons, and much much more. We hurried in so we wouldn't miss a thing but before we Pinkie stopped us.

“We can't go until we have some of this.” she pulled out a small red cake and started cutting it. We all ate the cake and it tasted funny but good. I don't see why we should party on an empty stomach. Next thing I know we're in a middle of a crowd cheering on Fluttershy as she chugged down on a beer bong. I was on a table as others were doing shots out my belly button. Rainbow Dash was in the mosh pit rocking out to the band while Pinkie Pie was taking a hit of that sicky icky. I got off the table and found a keg. I all ways wanted to do this.

“GO GO GO GO!” everyone was cheering me on as I did a keg stand all by my self. When I got off someone handed my a bottle of something, I didn't care I was partying. Then suddenly there was a loud snap and a support beam took out the band on stage. Every started complaining about there being no music when some stallion got on the stage.

“We're sorry about the inconvenience but we'll have another band in soon.” the crowd started booing and I was pushing my way to the front. I climb onto the stage and grabbed the guitar. The stallion looked at me and shrugged, I guess it meant he didn't care. I took one last drink and smashed the bottle on my head, worried voices came from the crowd.

~If you're gona be dumb you gota be tough!~

Like always my band appeared and we started rocking out and I kept on singing as the alcohol ran down my face. The crowd exploded with cheering as we played. I played for about half an hour before the back up band arrived and we switched places.

“Thank you everypony!” I yelled into the mic as I left the stage and found the others. From there we partied with some more people and made our way all the way to some bar. It was just becoming night time of the pre-party and the last thing I remembered was some red stallion with something around his neck shoving an opened beer in my hand with a large smile. Down the hatch bitches.

“Um Travis are you busy today?” Twilight asked Travis as they sat in the tree house.

“Not really, why?” she put down a letter she had been reading.

“Well Princess Luna is coming here to talk to me about something important and I wanted to see if you would like to meet her.” it was hard for him to contain his excitement, he was absolutely in love with the majestic blue alicorn. He nodded nonchalantly but on the in side he was exploding with joy. Later on they both waited in town at a designated area and she appeared out of nowhere with magic. They both bowed in greeting as she came to them.

“Hello Twilight. Ah this must be Travis, my sister has told me of him from your letters. So where is the one called Meason?” Twilight looked at Travis who shrugged and then she looked back at Luna.

“We don't know. Him and some others went to Pony-gra and were suppose to be back yesterday.” Luna nodded and they went to sit down at a table near the road, talking about small things until Luna and Twilight could discuss the private matters. Later on Travis noticed a carriage coming.

“Think that could be them?” he pointed the carriage out to the other two as it came closer. They saw the bags we left with and went to wait for us. We came to a stop and they waited right out side the door, they could hear whispers from inside. Then the door opened and out came Pinkie Pie looking normal besides her mane a little messier then usual. She saw the Princess and bowed. Twilight stepped up and spoke.

“Hey Pinkie where have you guys been?” she snorted and started laughing as she walked off. The looked at her confused but then Fluttershy came out. Her mane hide the left side of her face and she too bowed when she saw Luna. As she raised the wind suddenly blew and lefted up her mane relieving...

“Fluttershy, what is that?” she had blue star around her left eye and a crescent moon from above her eye brow to below her left eye.

“A tattoo.” she took off in a hurry while covering her face. Then came out Rainbow Dash and she stopped dead when she saw Luna. Everyone else stared at her because she was wearing... a sexy maid outfit. She didn't bow, she just took off into the air and flew off fast. Then came out me and since the carriage was a little small I had to duck to get out. So the first thing that came out was my... shinny bold head and face, no hair or beard any more.

“Hey guys, whoo it's a bit nipply out today. I could cut diamonds with these things.” I rubbed my hands on my exposed nipples since I didn't have a shirt or shorts for that matter. Nope, the only thing I was wearing made all three of them go really wide eyed as I got out fully and stood before them. I was wearing a really really tight, really really bright pink g-string, it made out a nice out line too.

“Ah could have gone mah entire life without seeing that.” Travis looked the other way and shuddered. I don't know why Twilight was transfix since... moving on to Luna. She looked a little confused since from the letters I had hair.

“Are you Meason?” I looked at her as I was still rubbing my nipples.

“Why yes I am, also you should know that guy has the biggest crush on you.” I qucikly walked by them as I pointed to Travis and he went red.

“What is a crush?” before Twilight could answer and trying to hold back laughter Travis intervened.

“It's nothin' really, ya don't need to bother with it.” I left them behind to go to the tree house and got several more wide eyed, opened mouth stares form passing ponies. I went inside to find Fluttershy sitting on the couch touching her still tender tattoo. Now what happened was-

“Where the hell is Pinkie Pie I need the key for this?” Rainbow dash came in suddenly trying to take off the lock that was keeping the sexy maid outfit on her.

“Here I am!” Pinkie Pie came out of nowhere and tossed the key at her.

“You might want to open that when you're alone. Remember?” she looked at me confused for a second then blushed.

“Oh yeah I forgot I have-” the door suddenly swung open again and Twilight came in alone.

“What happened to you all?” Fluttershy rushed up to her and stopped her.

“Twilight can you fix this?” she pointed at her tattoo and Twilight inspected it closer. Then her horn glowed and she tapped it with the tip. In a bright flash it was gone.

“There. You still have it but I changed it to match-” Fluttershy pulled her close and kissed her deeply, surprising her. She backed away and went back to the couch, Twilight was still stunned.

“Yeah she learned something about her self.” I said with a chuckle.

“DELIVERY MOTHERBUCKER!” it was that same ass hole as before but I caught it this time as a package sailed through the door. I went over to the table and opened it to find...

“Hey my clothes, sweet!” I pulled out my shorts and put them on, I liked what I was wearing it was quiet breezy. Next I grabbed my shirt but as I picked it up something fell out. It was a small envelope, I opened it and took out whatever was in side.

“Guys we have a problem.” Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie came over to me as I was looking through pictures from Pony-gra. To say the least we were shocked, well except Pinkie she just laughed. The next picture left me completely at a lost for words. It was Rainbow Dash who spoke.

“Is that you and Shining Armor?” Twilight snapped to us.

“What?” I quickly put away the picture and the rest back in the envelope.

“Nope, these are going away, forever.” I put them down my shorts as Twilight came to me.

“Don't think I want go down there. I already-” the door opened and in came Luna and Travis, Twilight stopped immediately and I put my shirt on.

“... and then ah said ' ah'm sorry ah don't speak french'.” they both laughed at whatever (most likely lame) joke Travis had said. They turned and noticed us.

“if you well pardon me Travis I must speak to Twilight.” he nodded and did a half bow. She came over to Twilight and spoke again.

“As I have written to you my worries, they have come true.” Twilight turned serious and nodded, I didn't know what they were talking about. Both of them went to another room and left us. Travis came over to me now.

“So what happened?” I assumed he was talking about Pony-gra but I didn't want to talk about that...ever.

“Just be glad you didn't go.” I was going to leave it at that, nothing else needed to be said.

This is why we can't have nice people

It's now been about three weeks since we have been in Equestria and couple of days after Pony-gra, thankfully, nothing has happened. Oh I do have all my hair back. How you ask? One day Travis came over to the tree house where I was alone and having an unusual lunch. When he came in he stared at my shinny head with light fuzz still on it.

“Hey fat ass, what ya doin'?” I flipped him off as I continued eating...

“Is that clay?” he asked as he came over and I was eating... brown clay. I nodded my head as I shaped it into a burger and kept on eating, it wasn't half bad. It was fully bad.

“Why are ya eatin' clay?” I held up a finger to motion him to stop as I finished the last of the clay. Then I held my nose shut and closed my eyes like I was trying to pop my ears. Travis jumped back when the clay erupted out my head and face, I then smoothed it around and with a pop it became normal hair.

“Just like before.” I ran my hand through my new hair as Travis stared at me. He was about to ask me how I did it but he thought better then to. It's pretty awesome to be able to do just about anything you wanted. This was really the high light of my week after Pony-gra which was great. No Lyra, no being drugged, no waking up with no hair, and no cake. But something did happen that was quiet... pleasing. I was wondering aimlessly around town since Twilight was busy with some experiment or something. I saw Travis with Applejack selling apples like normal, usually I would go over and give him hell but I didn't feel like it. I felt a disturbance in the force. I started snooping around town looking for this feeling of unease. I was rowing through the town in a small boat and paddled in the air slightly above the ground as I looked though a spy glass. Then as I came closer to the tree house I felt it. I got out the boat and it floated away into the sky to never be seen again. I crept around the tree house until I found an open window and as I peered inside I saw this disturbance. I stood there and watched for about ten minutes before Travis happened along.

“Hey what you doin'?” he came over to stand next to me.

“Watching TwiShy.” he raised an eye brow and looked in the window with me as we watched Twilight and Fluttershy get it on.

“Nice.” was all he said as we both stood there for a couple of minutes before another voice sounded behind us.

“What are you guys doing?” we both jumped and turned to find Rainbow Dash behind us. Travis looked guilty as hell and I just shrugged and motioned for here to be quiet and come here with us. She walked up with a quizzical look on here face and looked through the window and stopped dead. She looked wide eyed at the scene inside the tree house.

“woah.” she just kept watching in a trance as we watched with her. She was really getting into it and I decided to have a little fun as I bent down and got real close to her ear.

“Nice isn't it? You're really liking this arn't you? I'm sure they would let you join.” she couldn't pry her eye's from the action inside.

“Do you think so?” she said a little distant as I smirked and got closer, breathing on her ear.

“Yeah I do. Just go inside and have a fun time.” she started biting her lip and suddenly turned away, leaving us. Travis and me continued to watch as Rainbow Dash walked in side. Twilight and Fluttershy stopped and stared at her as she walked seductively to them, after a couple of nervous glances we were now watching TwiShyDash. After a couple more minutes there was another voice right between us.

“You guys are pervs.” it was Pinkie Pie and she just watched with us. I shrugged my shoulders and turned back when she brought out a tub of popcorn, so now the three of us ate popcorn while we watched a threesome. Needless to say it was a pretty good time. Now skipping ahead a coupe of days later I went over to Sweetapple acres to see Travis. Instead of being like a normal person (where's the fun in that?) I quietly crawled in through the window to his room where he had is back to me. I know being a big guy you wouldn't think I could sneak so easily but I can, just think of me like a fat ninja. All around the floor by him was crumpled up pieces of paper and he was writing on another. He finished it and held it up to look it over, that's when I crept up behind him and quickly snatched it. He turned around with a scared face as I jumped back with the letter beginning to read it.

“Give it back asshole!” he tried grabbing for it but I moved out of his reach. I started reading out loud.

“To the dearest Princess of the Moon, Luna, who's mane is like silk night and coat of dark blue such as the sky as the sun makes way for you. I am but a stranger to this land and to you but the heart knows not of such things. I would throw my self in a daggers path that aimed for you. I know that you are royalty and I am but a commoner but when I lay my eye's upon you I feel as if I were a king. Even if you were to refuse my love I would still love you from afar so as not to bother you again. Travis.” I looked up at him and his face, ears, and neck was beat red. I looked down at the letter then back at him. I am a horrible friend. I quickly turned around and jumped out the window with the letter still in hand. Travis tripped trying to climb out the window so it gave me an even bigger head start on him. Again I know I'm a big guy but I can ran fast like hell. After some more running with Travis still trying to catch up I made it to the tree house and burst in side.

“Spike!” he was sweeping the floor and I tackled him to the ground.

“Send this letter to Luna!” he looked at me scared and confused.

“Send. Luna. Now.” he nodded his head and let out green fire. Travis made it in time to see the green flames eat the last bit of the letter and stopped dead. He went from red to white to gray. He just stood at the door way doing nothing as I got off Spike, walking away. He stood there for two hours when Twilight came back from where ever she was and tried to get pass him.

“Travis? Excuse me.” she couldn't get him to budge and decided to just use her magic to teleport on the other side into the tree house.

“What's wrong with him?” she asked as Spike was still cleaning and I sat on the couch reading a book.

“Oh I broke him.” it was the only answer I gave her as I kept on reading. Not to much later Spike let out a burp and a letter popped out. He opened it as Twilight came over to him.

“It's from Princess Luna.” that snapped Travis back to life as he quickly looked at him.

“She says that she needs all the girls and the humans in Canterlot in a hurry.” Travis looked like his skin turned black like it was poisoned. I got off the couch and went over to him since it seemed like he broke again. I snapped my fingers in front of his face.

“Ah'll murder you later.” he slowly looked at me with hatred in his eye's and I laughed as I went to get ready to go. Twilight had Spike round up the others and soon we were in a carriage on our way to the Princess. To Travis this must have seemed like death row and I was trying not to laugh the entire time. The carriage took us all the way to the castle and Travis looked ready to pass out as we got out the carriage. We were greeted by a guard.

“Princess Luna will be with you momentarily until then she said to make your self comfortable in the castle.” he turned around and led us in side the majestic palace. We all went our separate ways in side, except Travis he just kinda stood there. It felt so great being in side the castle as I walked down the halls and then out side on a balcony where I found Rainbow Dash messing with two Pegasus guards. She was making faces and doing other dumb stuff to make them do anything but they stood there like stone. I walked up to them as she gave up.

“Here lat me try.” she watched me with a raised eye brow as I slowly walked up to the one on the left. As I got to him I got as close as possible and ran a hand under his jaw covered in white fur. His eye's twitched a little at this and I brought my face to his ears.

“You're going to like this.” I whispered into his ear and pulled back a little. I then started to run my tongue up along the edge of his ear causing his eye's to roll to the back of his head. I flicked the tip of his ear as Rainbow Dash let out a gasp as she was looking below the waist (so to speak since... you get what I mean), even the other guard was staring. He suddenly took off with his legs crossed as he flew off. Rainbow Dash started laughing so hard she was crying and the other guard eyed me warily. I left the two on the balcony and began roaming the halls again. Mean while Travis was in the in the throne room staring at the floor when suddenly Luna and Twilight came in. He looked up at them and Luna didn't even acknowledge his presence as they stopped in the middle of the room.

“Just as I feared, the peace negotiations have gone sour with Saddle Arabia. They have threaten war.” both held a serous face and then a unicorn guard came in with scrolls floating in the air. Twilight went to him and he gave her one from the many he had. As Twilight was busy with the guard Luna looked towards Travis and he froze but then she smiled at him. He felt relief and returned her smile in kind. Now back to me. I was wondering the halls when I saw another two guards stationed at an elaborate door. I was probably going to the moon for this.

“Hey there is a mare stuck between the railing on the stares and she can't get out. I mean you should see her it's funny since her tail got caught and is being held high and everything.” the guards looked at each other real quick then at me.

“We'll go at once... to help her of course.” they both left a little bit faster then a walk and I turned back to the door. I slowly opened it and slipped in side while closing the door softly. It was a massive chamber decked out for a royal female. I made my way through the dimly lit room to find a large, majestic, round flank sitting on a mass of silk cushions. Princess Celestia was reading some scrolls and had a mass more of them next to her. Time to be sent to the moon.

“Hello there sunshine.” I spoke smoothly as I ran a hand through my hair but she didn't respond. Maybe she was really into her ready like Twilight would get. I cleared my throat loud to get her attention but it still didn’t work. I was starting to get annoyed.

“Hey miss bubble butt.” you see her flank, while sitting down from what I could see, was nice. Round, firm yet still had some give, and big. I am an ass man. But I was trying to get her to notice me already.

“Hey twat!” I raised my voice and she put down her scroll. Ok moment of... never mind. She used her magic to get another, still ignoring me.

“So you just going to be a royal bitch?” still not a single reaction. At this point I was getting a little pissed.

“Fine... bitch.” I turned and went back for the door but some shifting stopped me. I turned back to see her... sipping from her tea cup. I stormed out and closed the door hard, confusing the guards as I left. I went to the throne room to see if they were done yet. I saw Twilight with the guard, as she finished a scroll he would quickly replace it and carefully give her another, and Luna was eying Travis from across the room. Damn, I was hopping she would whip him or something. She motioned for Travis to come to her and he did as I decided to get with in hearing distance just in case. He stood next to her and I was a few feet off. Was Twilight and the guard closer? Luna and Travis whispered to one another and I couldn't hear anything. Twilight and the guard seem even closer now. I wasn't sure but the two had been getting closer and closer to... Suddenly the scrolls in the air exploded, sending pieces of paper everywhere, and while every one was confused the guard had ran forward and leaped into the air holding a... I moved as fast as I could but it wasn't fast enough, he was already coming down on Luna with a knife but he never got to her. Travis moved into the path of the blade and the guard landed right in front of him with the hilt on Travis chest, right at his heart. I yanked the guard back and pushed him to the ground but he didn't move. When was I holding a knife? When I grabbed him he took the knife with him and I had some how got a hold of it. Now he was laying on the ground with his back to us holding his throat, twitching. I dropped the knife and turned to Travis who was on the ground not looking to good.

“That was a very stupid thing to do.” I said as I knelled down and placed my hand on the wound trying to stop the blood. Twilight came over with fear in her eyes. Luna didn't know what to do she just watched as Travis life flowed between my fingers but soon it slowed down.

“Hey... ah'm ok.” I softly shook my head.

“No you're not idiot.” soon the blood stopped.

“No seriously ah'm fine.” I looked at him and he seemed ok, besides the blood that is. I slowly lifted my hand and underneath there was no longer a wound. We all stared at the spot where the knife and clearly stabbed him but it was gone. I looked back up at him in disbelief. Then I slapped him really hard up side the head.

“Asshole.” I got up and stood there as he tried to get up but Luna stopped him. She didn’t care if the wound was gone she had some other guards come and take him somewhere to lay down while I was fuming. First Celestia ignores me and my best friend nearly dies, pulling a Jesus trick out his ass and acts like he never got stabbed at all. I looked back at the died guard, he wasn't moving any more. Great now we're going to get caught in a middle of a war. I need some chocolate.

I am not a whore

It was official, we were at war with Saddle Arabia and their king would not try to make any peace negotiations. It would be about a month for some reason before any battling took place, so that gave plenty of time to screw with Travis. I spent the next couple of days after the attempted assassination stabbing and cutting him (I'm such a great friend). After I got bored with that I decided to give Celestia another chance. I made my way to her chambers once again but there was no guards this time so I walked right in. She was laying on her side while reading a book with her back to me.

“Hi.” I stood a little away from her and she stood up. Still turned away from me she lowered her head to the ground and raised her flank, stretching with a groan. I nearly got a face full of sunshine.

“So is this how you apologize?” she stood back up and I thought she was going to turn around but she just laid back down. I squinted at her as she continued reading.

“You just going to tease me?” she didn't move or respond, I was starting to get annoyed again. I expected a sly grin as she looked at me from the corner of her eye but she kept on ignoring me.

“So you're still going to be a royal bitch arn't you?” still nothing from her. I just turned and left before I did something stupid like pin her down and start nibbling on her face. I would probably get executed for that. I was angry and that made me hungry so I went to the castle kitchen. It wasn't a long walk since I had been there before on a tour of the castle. When I got there... it was a fat man's dream. Spices of every kind, foods from around the world, and the sweets. A whole walk in closet of sweets, I was drooling on my self. After a half hour Twilight came down looking for me.

“Meason are you here? Travis said to look for you in your natural habitat.” I was in the middle of eating a hunk of chocolate as I was cooking something wonderful.

“Oh there you are. What are you doing?” I was dumping the contents of the large frying pan into a giant tortilla as she came over to me. I wrapped it up and poured cheese on top. It was a two foot long, six inch wide burrito.

“This saucy bastard is called the A.D.” she looked it over with a raised eye brow.

“What's that?” I turned to her looking like the terminator, left eye robotic and my right arm with no skin just metal also speaking like him.

“It is known as the Anal Destroyer. It consist of egg, guacamole, every known cheese, every known spicy pepper, and hot sauce in a big ass tortilla. After ingesting you will not be able to shit for a week and after a week to the very second you took the last bite... you better hope you're strapped on a toilet.” she gave me a weird look as I went back to normal and then eyed the A.D. Using her magic she picked it up and started eating, the first bite made her moan in delight just like... never mind. I watched her eat the monster burrito and some how finish it all. She wasn't able to move at all as she sat there comatose by pure awesomeness. I had to carry her back to her room and she was not so light any more, I should know since was was on top of... stopping there. After putting her to bed I walked around until I saw Travis in the garden with Luna. I sneaked closer and listened.

“I am sorry I have not been able to talk to you sooner. I received your letter and...” the stood facing each other surrounded by blooming roses and a gentle breeze blowing through the air. Travis was nervously playing with his shirt and Luna looked off to the side.

“You were true to your word about throwing your self in front of a dagger... I thought it was... sweet.” this was almost painful to watch, I wish I had a cam-corder to tape this. Both were blushing and looked at one another.

“Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?” she asked Travis and he stiffened up. After a coupe of seconds he nodded.

“Ah would love to.” too sappy, I had to walk away. I left the two before I saw what happened next. I went back to walking around the castle for hours and nothing happened at all. I was bored out of my mind, I wish something would happen.

I just kept wondering around and would peak into random doors. Some were empty, some had sleeping ponies, and one had a stallion clopping like no tomorrow. But nothing interesting at all. Until I found a lone door in a hall. I walked into the room and stopped in my tracks.

“What the hell?”

“THIRTY FOUR!” that damn voice was annoying most of the time, but it did have it's uses. I looked all around the room that stretched for miles before me. The walls bent outward and the ceiling was a sky of green clouds that had purple rain falling from them. It was grape, I know because one rained right on top of me. The floor started to shake and the tile I was on suddenly shoot into the air with me on it. Raising higher and higher I could see a castle come into view. It was Canterlot but... everything was upside down, inside out, and everything in between. I stopped right at a path that led into Canterlot and started going down it. It led me not to the castle but to a large, empty throne made of fused pieces of wooden furniture. I slowly went to it as I looked for any one but no one was there. I decided to sit down in the throne and surprisingly it felt like a really soft pillow.

“Do you like it? I made it my self.” I couldn't see who had spoke but I knew who it was, a deep, manly voice that sent shivers down my spine. If I was a girl and heard that voice my panties would drop so fast they would be half way to China ( but what would it be here though?).

“Hello Discord.” suddenly the throne shook and the next thing I knew I was sitting in his lap.

“So you know my name but I don't know yours.” I looked up to the mismatched head that twisted above me. He had a cool smile with interested eyes as he looked at this strange being in his lap. I gave him a small smirk and slipped off his lap, walking away. He sat back watching me leave and then floated in the air. Suddenly I stopped walking as he wrapped his body around me and came face to face with me.

“You're leaving already? But you'll miss all the fun.” I smirked again and looked at him with half opened eyes.

“The God of Chaos, I like that because you bend everything to what you want and cause everything to lose control. With no control things become exciting and fun.” he gave me a smirk this time and kept watching me while wrapping a little closer.

“But I like control. Because with a little control you can make things go a long way and even more fun.” you see my mouth says thing before my brain can kick it in the mouth and I end up in bad situations like this one. Discord pulled his head back a little and thought.

“I never gave any one control before.”

“Who said you'll be giving it.” SON OF A BITCH! I need to put my foot in my mouth to stop this kind of shit from happening but it was to late. He brought up his bird claw hand and trail a finger under my chin.

“Who are you?” I was screwed and almost literally. I was about to answer but then there was a loud banging and Discord rolled his eyes. He uncoiled around me and the room started to shrink, everything reverting back to normal.

“Come in!” he walked past me and sat down on a couch that was once the throne while the door opened. It was Cadence and she just came to my rescue.

“Hello Discord. Is the human... oh there you are.” she looked at me while Discord took a glass cup and twisted it into different shapes of creatures. She looked me up and down before she spoke again.

“I was wondering if you weren't to busy that if you would accompany me to the garden.” I just gave he a strange look but I wasn't about to say no to a 'get out of jail for free' card.

“Good bye Discord.” I walked with Cadence and just happened to look back at him as he shaped the glass into a pair of hand cuffs and winked at me. I was beginning to wonder if there was any strait males or did I just turn them all gay. We walked out the room and I could hear things twisting and warping in side. We left his room and made are way back to the garden.

“I am Princess Cadence.” she looked t me with a smile as we walked.

“I am King Meason.” hey she didn't know that. She gave me a surprise look.

“That is surprising.” I looked at her with a raised eye brow.

“Why, is it because I don't look like I could be one?” she went a little wide eyed and blushed as she shook her head

“No it's not that, it's just umm... what are you King of?” I was loving this.

“I rule over the land of Hostess. We are prosperous and have large amounts of land and other territories but unfortunately we recently lost the wonderful land of Twinkies, they will be sorely missed.” she nodded her head and she listened.

“I am sorry to hear that.” I shrugged my shoulders and smiled, let's just hope she never finds out. Soon we were at the gardens and saw Luna and Travis sitting on a bench real close together. They were just talking to each other.

“This is why I asked you to come with me. I am glad Princess Luna had finally found some one but I worry about what he is like. She had never really had any form of relationship like this.” I nodded my head and thought about the same for Travis. I always thought he would die a virgin.

“Travis is a good guy. He's a one girl kind of guy who is nice and will respect them. He's like Luna, he doesn't have much experience either, I had to teach him a lot of things.” I talked as we watched them and suddenly they were both kissing.

“Well I am glad to hear that. What did you teach him if I may ask.” we both kept watching them as they finally broke apart and stared at each other. I wish I had a sling shot.

“How to talk to girls, what to do around them, stuff like that. He wasn't ready yet for bedroom lessons yet.” she looked at me real quick and I watched her out the corner of my eye.

“So do you have anyone you're with?” I asked as I still watched the two in the garden.

“I am married to a stallion named Shining Armor. Right now he is taking part of our agreement.” I looked at her with a raised eye brow.

“And what would that be?” she looked around nervously and blushed.

“Well once and a while we both agree to go for somewhere for a couple of weeks and... experiment.” I just happened to know about that form Pony-gra and the picture. I nodded my head and spoke.

“So why are you here then?” she blushed more and looked up at me.

“Well I've been to nervous to try anything at all.” I just looked at her in silence and she shifted uncomfortably. Then suddenly she said.

“Would you like a massage?” it took me off guard and I had to take a second to processes it.

“Sure.” I shrugged my shoulders and she smiled. She motioned for me to follow her and we left the two in the gardens. Soon we went into a room that I assumed was the royal massage parlor since it had everything need for massaging.

“Here.” she used her magic and gave me a towel. I was confused at first then it hit me. Get undress and wrapped this around my waist. I just undressed on the spot and she quickly turned around. When I was done she led me to one of the tables and motioned for me to lay down. As I laid down on my stomach she let down her mane and took off everything she had on as she gathered the things she needed.

“Just relax.” she flew up and landed on top of me, straddling my waist. Then she began rubbing oil onto my hairy back. She started wonderful strokes as she massaged deeply into my muscles and it was all great. Until I felt a searing burn like red hot pokers digging into my back. I quickly looked back to find her levitating a lit candle and poring the wax on my back.

“Shh, don't worry.” I was trying to get her off me as she pour more but then she found my weakness. She quickly lowered her head to my neck and bit me. I let out a moan and melted just like the wax as she grind her teeth into my flesh, it was more firm nibbling then chomping.

“Maybe you can give me those bedroom lessons.” she pulled back just long enough to speak and went strait back to biting. I couldn't help it as I pushed into her bite, it was just to good. I nodded my head as she poured more wax while still biting. It didn't burn any more since my brain was focusing on the teeth, the wax even felt good now. If the Princess of Love wanted lessons in love, who was I to say no?

A rut on the dark side

So it turns out that Cadence is a liar, she was never nervous at all. Seven times makes you really tired and hungry, which is why I woke up. I was still in the massage parlor when I woke up, Cadence out cold on top of me on a couch. Needless to say she didn't need lessons at all but I'm not complaining though. Ok well maybe a little. The heat from the wax was still in my back not going away, it felt like a dull burning. I have done some kinky stuff but that was a first. I tired to gently push her off of me but she had her hind legs wrapped around my legs like a vice.

“Where do you think you're going?” she picked up her head and looked at me seductively, this was reminding me of Lyra but no so drugging-you-twice-thinking-I-killed-you-and-force-you-to-marry-me look.

“But I'm hungry.” I said with a little whine and pouting. She just put her mouth down to my chest and started running her tongue up to my neck where again she bit me. I was going to have a wonderful time trying to explain all the bite marks on my neck. I was trying not to moan but this was a losing battle.

“Ok maybe one more time.” I said as I closed my eyes but then I heard something. While Cadence was nibbling on my ear I tried to look around. Then I saw the edge of a rainbow mane up high on a shelf. I reached behind me on a table and grabbed a book that was laying there and tossed it at Rainbow Dash. It hit her and caused her to fall off with a yelp but before she could hit the ground Cadence used her magic to stop her. She looked up at us with a nervous chuckle and Cadence grinned evilly.

“If you wanted to watch you just needed to ask. Sit here.” she used her magic to bring Rainbow Dash over to us and then promptly sat her down on my face.

“Here's breakfast.” mean while (hey if you want the clop write it yourself) Luna and Travis were sitting down to a private dinner in her chambers (this would be the first time he as every seen a girls room I'm sure). It was a lovely dinner of deep fried hey fries and salad (I really miss meat and every day Spike looks more and more appetizing) in a candle lit setting.

“... and that's why ah don't bowl any more.” both of them started laughing at another of his (lame) joke. After wards Luna had a more serous look on her face.

“If you don’t mind me asking... why do you... love me?” both of them blushed and Travis pushed around his food on his plate.

“Well... it's hard not to. Ah mean...” she looked him with gentle eyes and when he tried to go on she shot forward and kissed him. She knocked off most of what was on the table and knocked him back to the floor with her on top. She broke the kiss but then blushed hard.

“I'm sorry. I didn't-” Travis put a finger to her lips and smiled. It was a very cheesy moment if you ask me. After wards they picked up what fell off the table and Travis noticed something sitting on a counter. It was a ball gag.

“Oh yes that was a gift from somepony. They said it was to help me sleep better but when I asked Twilight how it worked she wouldn't give me a strait answer.” Travis was a little wide eyed as he looked down and the black strap and red ball.

“Uh that's not what it's used for.” she gave him a confused look and used her magic to pick it up.

“Then what is it for?” he grabbed it from the air and messed with it.

“Well when two people want something different in the bedroom... they use things like this.” she gave him a slightly less confused look.

“How is it used?” he slowly looked up at her and got closer, bringing the ball gag around her.

“Well like this.” he carefully put the ball in her mouth and the strap on the back of her head. Travis thought he would need to change pants when he looked at her. Luna had the most innocent of looks on her face as she had a ball gag on, she then tried talking but was muffled. He was about to take it off of her when the door opened and Twilight came in.

“Princess Luna I was... coming back later.” she slowly back out and closed the door with wide eyes. Leaving this awkward situation, I had manged to get away. After tasting the rainbow while the love dove gave me a mouth hug they went on each other. They were so busy with each other that they never noticed me slip out and I never noticed that I was naked. I kept wondering why guards were giving me strange looks and maids were biting lips and batting eye lashes at me. It wasn't until I ran into Rarity and Applejack did I found out.

“Um darling where are your clothes?” I gave Rarity a weird look and looked down. Eyup, in my birthday suit. At least this time I knew where they were.

“That is a question not for me so I'm going to raid the kitchen again.” I walked pass them while putting a little thrust in my step, give them quiet the eye (and mouth) full. I went to the kitchen once again, I mean skittles are nice but I need something more filling.

“Whatcha cookin'?” Pinkie Pie popped out of no where as I had on a white apron that said kiss the cook's glorious ass.

“Pizza.” I was rolling out the dough and was getting ready to tossed it up and spin it. I failed, never been good at doing that, and just rolled it out again. After putting it in the oven for a minute I was getting ready the rest of the topping but Pinkie had something else in mind.

“... and this and this and this...” she was in a counter tossing down different items for the pizza. Peanut butter, jelly, marshmallows, hot sauce, BBQ, and anchovies.

“What the hell, why not?”

“THIRTY FIVE!” we both ignored the booming voice as I pulled out the dough and we piled on the topping, slipping it back in. As we waited Pinkie Pie picked up a very large whisk, you could fit a small cantaloupe in it, and turned to me with a devilish look on her face. I just shook my head and said.

“Sorry not big enough.” she just cracked a big grin and pulled out an even bigger one, you could fit a watermelon in it.

“Why don’t we check on the pizza, you first.” she put down the whisk and stuck her tongue out at me. We pulled out the pizza and set it to cool off, it looked interesting to say the least. I got a pizza cutter and cut it down the middle, one for me and one for her. Pinkie Pie just shoved hers in her mouth while I looked mine over.

“Here goes nothing.” I brought it to my mouth and took a large bite. It was the most wonderful disgustingly tasty thing I’ve every eaten, like being kicked in the tongue by pure sugar while vomiting. We stuffed our faces and Pinkie Pie pulled something out her tail. She handed it to me and it was my clothes.

“You should have seen them they were going at it like no tomorrow.” I put my clothes back on and we left the kitchen as it was getting close to dark. Everyone had their own rooms and that's where they were heading except me. I had something planed for my virgin friend. It all would have gone smoothly if he hadn't woke up. Luna also happened to be walking the halls as she heard him screaming. She opened his door to find him tied up with his bare ass in the air. I had a glowing red hot brand in my hand.

“What's going on here?” she asked and I just stared at her as Travis sighed in relief.

“It's your mark so he'll be yours forever.” I pointed the brand to her, showing her that it was a crescent moon.

“Ok.” she nodded and turned back out the door.

“Time for your Cutie Mark.” I'm sure he woke up everyone in the castle as I branded both ass checks. He'll heal fast so he'll be fine. I left Travis a mess as he rubbed his healed and throbbing ass. Luna went back in with a confused look.

“Are you ok?” Travis looked up from the floor with a look of disbelief.

“That ass hole just got done brandin' me...” she gave him another confused look.

“What is branding?” I am quiet a wonderful friend, I thought to my self as I made way to the very top of the castle. The night was cool and a soft breeze blow in the air. Even before my pronominal fuck-you-do-what-I-want powers I was still pretty wild and energetic. But it was all ways nice to relax and take everything in. I was on a balcony at the near top of the castle, looking over Canterlot and the land beyond. It was quiet beautiful.

“So you can keep still.” I smiled as this new female voice sounded behind me. Someone I thought would never be here.

“Have you ever realized, that for good or evil, you can stop and look around... It makes me sad.”

“What does?”

“That the two words have to exist so that we can define anyone different from us. They don't exist naturally and yet we try to make everything fit them. Two words that caused so many problems between others.” there was a simple short hum behind me like an answer. We both stood there and looked up at the sky. The many stars dotted all around, seemingly endless and countless.

“And yet you fear evil still.” it was another female voice that I could not mistake and how both of them were here I don't know. I gave a soft chuckle before I spoke.

“No because good or evil there is beauty in everything and that beauty makes me smile.”

“So you fear nothing?”

“A fool fears nothing but a brave man shows no fear. I do fear something and I now everything about it.”

“what is that you fear?” I didn't answer for a few moments, I traced out the patterns the stars made in the night sky.

“My self.” there was more silence before the first voice spoke again.

“And why would you fear your self? Why not just love yourself?” I could hear as two sets of hooves came closer to me each on a different side of me.

“Why do I fear my self? Because I stopped looking under my bed for monsters when I realized their inside me.” there was more silence but then the two leaned closer both with their mouth right by my ears.

“Maybe you would like...”

“... to show us this monster...”

“... for the night.”

“... for the night.” they both said the last three words at once and it sent a cold chill down my back.

“You also asked why do I not just love myself. I do, there's just so much I need to spread it around.”

“Why not just everywhere?” I might just be one of the luckiest guys ever.

“Oh trust me, it get's everywhere and there's always plenty.” and with that two different legs wrapped around me and we took to the sky's. I'm it was going to be one hell of a walk but worth it. Hey, good or evil everyone needs love. Some at the same time.

Back to business

Travis was hanging out by the front gate as he was looking for something to do since Luna was in a meeting discussing the plans for the up coming war. He was thinking about what to say to her as an apology when she had said something serious and he quickly said 'that's what she said'. A loud booming voice called out forty and there was an awkward silence afterward. He was sure he blew he chances with her now. After a little mopping he looked up to see me heading his way.

“Where ya been?” I walked up and he looked at me with a raised eye brow. I had my shirt off and part of hit in my pocket so it hanged by my side. I was cover from the neck down in bite marks.

“I would tell you if you weren't a virgin.” he gave me a pissy look and flipped me off.

“Well fuck ya too.” I started laughing and noticed someone heading our way. It was a royal guard and soon he was standing in front of us.

“Princess Luna ask for you both to join us at the war gathering committee.” Travis and I looked at each other and I shrugged my shoulders, soon we followed the guard to the meeting. I put back on my shirt as we entered the large room that had about twenty ponies and Luna. The mane six were in the front of the group so we made our way to them.

“I have called you here to announce that we are soon assembling our troops and heading for battle with Saddle Arabia. They want war and we shall answer but I need help. Today I am choosing five of the elite as generals in the army.” talk erupted through out the crowd and Luna held up a hoof to silence them.

“I have already pick the first and it is Shining Armour to lead the unicorns, now it is time for the other four.” when she said his name I tried to hide but then she continued.

“I would ask of you, Travis, to be another. Your healing abilities would make it difficult for the enemy to kill you.” Travis went wide eyed as she spoke.

“Ah'll do it.” great now we're going to lose. She motioned for him to come forward and stand with her.

“Now I ask of Rainbow Dash to lead the Pegasus as general.” Rainbow Dash squeak in excitement and flew over to them.

“I ask you Applejack to lead the earth ponies as the forth general.” Applejack tipped her hat and made her way to them.

“Unfortunately I have not been able to think of a fifth general and will have to choose amongst you before me.” that caught my attention like an ADHD kid and something shinny.

“MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!!” I started jumping up and down waving my hands. Luna didn’t seem to see me.

“Someone strong.” I went over to a table that sat twenty and lifted it above my head.

“Like this?” she just went on.

“Some one intelligent.” I ran over to a wall and started writing numbers and letters with chalk. After I was done I pointed to it.

“That's the equation to life!” but she just kept going on.

“I do not know who co-”

“HEY WANKER, DON'T IGNORE ME LIKE YOUR BITCH SISTER!” everyone went dead silent and Luna looked at me wide eyed then behind me. I turned to see Celestia walking at the back to another door at the other side of the room.

“Yes you! You bitchasswhoreretartedfucker!” she just walked out the room through the other door. I turned back to Luna who was at a total lost.

“We-we have our fifth general.” I slowly walked up to them with a large smile. I was going to be leading my own troops and slaughtering enemies with great joy. Hey you can't spell slaughter with out laughter.

“Generals it is time to meet your troops.” we were lead by some guards to the barracks and some how I ended up in the back with Shining Armour.

“Uh... hey.” he said trying not to make eye contact, it was really awkward.

“You never cal-”

“Iscrewedyourwife.” I spoke real fast and then made my way for the front of the group. Finally we made it and were lead separately to our troops. I never seen a more bad ass group of guys since the time I cloned my self (is it considered incest or masterb... never mind). I looked them over as they stood at attention. Ponies, dragons, and minotaurs that all looked like they could kill you just by sneezing on you. Especially a big ass red dragon that had three feet on me and twice as wide.

“What's your name?” I stopped in front of the hulking dragon and spoke.

“Rathlos.” he had a voice deeper then mine but not as seductive.

“Ok Rathlos I want you to answer me something. You're standing here in front of your general looking like on over sized hunk of meat so... why are you here?” he straitened up some more and spoke loudly.

“Because we're the best of the best of the best sir!” I had a big grin from this.

“Damn right! That's what I like to hear!” we were going to kill so many enemies that their bodies would be named as a hill. We could 300 this and win, no need for everybody else. I was satisfied with my troops and decided to leave for a bit while they went through practice drills. I was going to go to the library and try to find a book about the best gutting methods, I needed to be on my A game. And of all the ponies I find there was Celestia. I went strait for it.

“So what's your problem with me?” I glared at the back of her head as she was sitting on a couch reading. She was still ignoring me and it really pissed me off.

“Ok fine. I don't need to know so you can just go fuck yourself with a cactus.” I waited for a second for anything but nothing at all happened. I glared hard at the back of her head and it started to become solidified. The word bitch in big block yellow letters came out of my eyes one after another and floated to her, bouncing off the back of her head. She just scratched the spot they hit and kept reading. I turned around and left, she was just really pissing me off. I don’t know what the hell is her problem but she has done nothing but ignore me. As I was walking away I realized I was going to need equipment for this war but I didn’t know where to get it. I wondered back to the barracks to see if I could solve this problem. Travis beat me to it though, he was putting on a suit of armor. It was dark blue, smooth and shiny. It looked like dragon scale and the helmet even had a few spikes going back from above his ears. Lucky ass hole.

“So where's my stuff?” I looked at Luna with my arms crossed. She turned to me and spoke.

“We didn't have measurements to make you armor, we had Travis done a few days before.” a few days before? So Travis was already hoof picked and everything.

“I don’t care, armors for pussies any ways. Just give me something large enough to over compensate.” she lead me to a weapon rack that had many, many different weapons. I looked them over trying to decided what I would use. Then I found it.

“Oh yeah! Come here you saucy bastard!” from the rack I pulled out...

“The RAMABANANA!” it was a seven foot long, two foot wide, solid metal rod covered in large studs. It ha to have weighed at least a thousand pounds but for this lightly brown god it was nothing. Travis was watching me running my hand over it and shaking his head.

“Ah'm sure ya going to do more then use that for just war.” I turned my head around, my back still to him.

“Oh differently. You first.” I started walking back wards to him as he went wide eyed. I turned my body around with the rod aiming for Travis who ducked at the last second.

“Prepare your an-” a loud ringing cut me off before Travis was sodomized. Guards and soldiers started running with weapons. I picked up Travis and we followed them to the front gate. A large black vortex was pulsing some distance form the gate. Discord was in front of it looking it over. Luna, Travis and me went to him.

“Discord what is the meaning of this?” Luna spoke angrily as we came to him. He turned around with a board expression.

“This isn't my doing Mooney, I-” he was cut off as a long violet horn erupted out his chest. He looked down surprised when it glowed brightly. Suddenly he exploded and I, in the middle of us three, was hit at full force and thrown back. Luna and Travis looked at the few remaining bits of Discord and then at what killed him. It was an eight foot tall unicorn, slender and graceful, the three foot long horn covered in blood. From the head, a smokey black mane and tail to match. all the way down to the front legs and shoulders was a sick violet that faded to a dark blue for the rest of the body. Cold steel gray eyes looked at the two before... him. He was easy to mistake as a girl because of his body until he spoke.

“Hello Princess Luna. Sorry about the mess.” he spoke in a cool low voice that made your skull vibrate.

“King G'afssa.” Luna stared back covered lightly in Discord.

“I have come to give you one last chance to surrender.”

“Never.” he stood tall and looked down at the two in front of him with a smirk.

“So be it.” he turned around and walked back into the vortex. It snapped shut with a loud snap and was gone. Very sudden entrance and exit, strait to the point.

“Ew ew ew ew! He got in my mouth!” I got up spitting out what was left of Discord, I was covered nearly head to toe in his blood. That was a rather brutal way to go I thought, at least I didn't have to worry about being handcuffed any more... by him. Travis was still in shock from what happened and Luna was staring at where the portal was. Soon she turned and left, having Travis come with her while I on the other hand was still spitting out chunks.

“He taste like expired chocolate milk and stale cotton candy!” I was ready to throw up as the two passed me and left me. So now Discord was dead and we have meet the king of Saddle Arabia, well I didn't since I was blown away in Discord soup. I made my way back to the castle and went to found somewhere to take a bath. I found it without much trouble, blood was blinding me the entire time, but when I entered I was not alone. I started undressing when I heard some one clearing their throat. I looked up as my pants dropped to see Fluttershy in a hot tub. We were in a large bathing/spa room but I didn’t care I just wanted to get Discord off me. I was fully naked and stepped under a shower head, turning it on full blast hot.

“Are-are you ok?” she asked as I scrubbed my self hard to get off the dried blood.

“No, not really.” I said as I lathered my self with soap. With in a couple of minutes I was completely clean and went over to Fluttershy in the hot tub. With out a word I slipped in still naked.

“You know at Pony-gra I learned more then one thing about my self.” this came out of no where from her and I looked at her as she got closer to me. I think I liked where this was going (and if I was writing clop for this it would be about 100,000 words long because Fluttershy is best pony). She placed a hoof on my hairy chest and brought her face real close to mine. What happened next to say the least was the best experience I ever had (hey I told you if you want clop write it yourself). I'm just hoping no candle wax this time and who would have known that she could hold her breath for so long.

FINALLY!!!

I woke up the next day around noon in a different room. I rolled over blinking away the sleep from my eyes and found Fluttershy asleep peacefully next to me. I snuggled up close to her and she let out a content sigh, I could do this forever with the best pony ever. Unfortunately other people make plans and they involve me.

“Meason you in here?” I looked up to see Twilight entering the room. She looked a little shocked to see me in Fluttershy's bed.

“What, You can't share her?” I said sitting up and smirking. Twilight went red in the face and looked down.

“Luna needs to talk to you in the throne room, she didn’t say what about though.” I hate it when other people involve me in things when I could be sleeping or eating. I got out of bed and dressed while Fluttershy woke up. She looked at me with a sleepy grin and laid back down, I have that effect on people... and ponies apparently. I followed Twilight but she didn't enter with me, instead she walked off as I went in. I found Luna speaking to some guards and when she saw me she dismissed them.

“Good you're here. How did you sleep?” I walked up closer as she spoke.

“I'd say pretty good for that fact I was ridden all night.” she looked at me confused.

“Somepony rode you last night?” I face palmed and sighed. Being sent to the moon really kills your knowledge of slang... and just about everything else too.

“Yes. What was it you needed to talk to me about?” she straitened her self and spoke more seriously.

“I have received word of an advancing army, small in size. I want you to take your troops and meet them in two days time.” I wonder what this king was planing, it seemed like a trap. I nodded my head any ways with out a word.

“One more thing... we have a spy amongst us...” mean while Travis arrived at the front gate with a roar. Guards looked at him confused as he pulled up in a coughing truck.

“Yall fella's mind opening the gate?” they looked at one another then nodded, soon Travis rolled in with the engine purring like an ancient asthmatic cat. He managed to fix the truck with some help of the Apples and apparently apple juice made great fuel. Suddenly there was a loud bang and smoke started spewing out from under the hood. Travis hit his head against the steering wheel and sighed.

“Told you it was a piece of shit.” I came walking came walking over to him and the new BBQ smoker. He glared at me as I went to the driver side window.

“Any hizzles, Luna needs to talk to you about something. Most likely about how great I am or something along those lines.” he gave me a blank look.

“Right because ya leave everyone stunned thanks to yer enormous ass.” I smirked at him and wiggled my ass.

“I know, it is amazing.” I backed away so he could open the door and go speak to Luna.

“She's in the throne room and while your gone I'm going to turn this bucket of rust into porta-potty.” he kept walking and flipped me off.

“Touch it and yer dead.” I laughed as he walked away, I didn't want to touch it anyways. You would almost get lock jaw just by looking at it. I left and went to gather my troops and tell them about our up coming mission. I found them doing manly things like arm wrestling, lifting weights, and making out. The last one was a little bit of a problem since they were all male but I don't judge.

“Line up ass hats!” everyone quickly formed a line in front to me and all stood at attention. I walked up and down the line and spoke.

“In two days all of us, the most elite, are going to intercept a small army on their way here. What they are planing we don’t know but it doesn't matter because we are going to send them back in a match box. DO YOU UNDERTAND ME?”

“SIR YES SIR!” they answered back in unison loud and clear.

“I want you doughnut punchers suited up and ready when that day comes aND I WANT TO BE BACK IN TIME FOR AN AFTERNOON NAP! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?”

“SIR YES SIR!”

“Dismiss.” I turned and left them to go to get something to eat since it was already noon. There was more traffic in the halls as things were getting in gear for the war but it didn’t take me long to get there. I arrived in the kitchen to find a fire from hell itself and three panicking fillies. I sat back and watched them try to put out the blazing fire the engulfed the whole stone oven.

“Here try this!” Sweetie Belle said as she handed a bucket filled with liquid to Applebloom. Unfortunately it was oil and the fire just grew bigger. I had to stop them from burning the castle down.

“Ok move back three mustkatards.” they turned to me scared and I pulled them back behind me. I stood a little ways from the fire and took a deep breath, my chest swelled up to three times it's size. Then I let out my breath real fast over the fire. The girls gasped in surprise as they saw the flames literally freeze and ice over. I walked over to the fice-ice sculpture and broke off a small piece of a flame, popping it into my mouth.

“Oh spicy yet cool.” I let out a cough and smoke came out my mouth. I turned to the three now nervous fillies.

“We didn't mean to...”

“...we we're just tryin' are luck at makin' ice cream...”

“... for our Cutie marks.” I gave them all a strange look.

“... And why did you need the stove? Actually never mind, I'm going to go take a nap.” I left the three of them poking at the fire-ice and went to find a couch to sleep on. It seemed that Rainbow Dash had the same idea as I found her on a large red couch that sat opposite of an identical one in a large room towards the back of the castle. I laid down on the other one and closed m eyes when I heard Rainbow Dash talk in her sleep.

“Spank me harder.” I opened my eyes to look at her still asleep, I was going to remember that for next time. I closed my eyes again and soon fell asleep. Travis at the time was with Luna after the had their private discussion (not even you're allowed to know. Why? Because it's private and not my favorite type of private either).

“... and then he was swimming in a sea of cheese.” both laughed as Luna was talking about a random pony's dream she had remembered. They were talking and walking the halls going slowly to the back of the castle. Travis thought about something and then spoke.

“Will Ah had a dream once were ah saw one of the most beautiful being alive. Ah followed her everywhere but she kept slipping further away until she was gone. Then ah saw a falling star and ah wished ah could find her again and you know what happened?” Luna looked a little uncomfortable as he talked about some one from his dreams.

“What happened?” Travis gave her a smirk.

“Ah woke up here and found her.” they stopped walking as Travis looked into her eyes and she realized he was talking about her and blushed hard. If I had been there, thank Celestia's round ass I wasn't, I would have been puking up rainbows. So skipping the part where Luna leads Travis into an empty room and they make out with nothing else happening they were now walking again down the halls. They then happened to come up on a sleeping light brown angle with a hand down his pants, Rainbow Dash had woken up and left before they came.

“Aww he looks like a retarded monkey.” if I had been awake Travis would be flying out a window.

“He is deep in sleep dreaming.” Luna commented as she looked at me that gave Travis an idea (which he doesn't have many).

“Ah wonder what he's dreamin' about?” he looked at Luna and she got the idea. She pulled him closer and her horn flared with magic. They both closed their eyes as the magic wrapped around them and they were gone. In a split second they were back with wide eyes.

“Let's never go there again.”

“Yes... I would have to agree with you on that.” they both gave me one last startled look and slowly walked away. Moments later when they were gone I woke up feeling great. It was getting close to night time and most of the people in the castle were winding down. Unfortunately for them I was winding up. I started creeping through the halls as music played from unseen electronics and I played a violin. The moon was raising and I knew the perfect song. I started playing as I walked past rooms of ponies trying to sleep but now worried about the strange music going down the halls (and to let you know the song is Moon Trance by Lindsey Stirling the woman who would be the mother of both Octavia and Vinyl). As the song picked up faces peaked out doors watching me dance to the music that I played. They haven't heard something like this before and it sent chills up their spines. As the song came to the end I danced strait to a corner that was cloaked in shadows, then as the last note was played I disappeared into the shadows and all was quiet. Doors slowly closed and ponies tried to sleep but were a little scared to close their eyes and I popped up in the shadows in their room. And by the will of some cosmic asshole I ended up in Celestia's room.

“I'd rather be in hell right now.”

“FIFTY!” even the loud booming voice didn’t cause her to look up from the scroll she was reading.

“Ok I'm getting real tired of your shit. Since the first time I met you have done nothing but ignore me and it's pissing me off. I'm about snap.” my eye was twitching as I looked at her, still ignoring me.

“What the fuck is your problem? YOU CANKEROUS WHORE MONGERING SLUT BAG-” as I was yelling at her she stood up and starting doing something strange. She closed her eyes and her cheeks puffed out, afterwords letting out an excited sigh. If I had been able to read minds this is what I would have heard.

Finally! Those bubbles have refused to pop for so long and I can hear again... who is this screaming at me?

“- ASS HAT SHIT LAND PONY!” she turned to me with a confused look.

“Are you ok?” I think what little sanity I had crumbled away ( and it's been small and withering away much like my conscious).

“Am I ok? OH SO NOW YOU CAN HEAR ME?” I started yelling again and as I was about to go on when an even louder scream cut me off.

“OH YES JUST LIKE THAT!” it wasn't a scream of anger, more of the variety of screams that I like. We both had a confused look on our faces and I turned to leave and find out who it was. I walked down the hall to two guards at a door with wide eyes. Celestia was right behind me as I walked into the room to find Travis on top of Luna...

“Ahhh!”

… giving her a massage.

“Aww...” I pouted as Celestia looked at the two a little mad but then gave a sigh of relief with a shake of her head. Travis looked at us like he was in major trouble but Luna had a dreamy face on.

“Oh worry not sister... we did that an hour ago.” a lot of things happened at once. A let out another 'ahh' and Celestia's head turned on a swivel right back at me. While she wasn't paying attention Travis jumped out the window as Luna started dozing off. When Celestia turned back to find Travis she immediately went to the window to find him climbing down some vines that grow along the wall. He looked up with a nervous chuckle and she gave him a stare of daggers. Then she used her magic to levitate him with her and took off. I watched them fly off and then it hit me like Brown and Whitney (allegedly). I slowly made it to the bed and sat down by Luna as she opened her eyes.

“You ruined him... I can't make fun of him... for being a virgin... any more.” I started choking up as I spoke. One of my greatest joys in life was gone. Luna just grinned and closed her eyes again as my world was falling apart. My two chin retard was a man now.

Pre Pear Uranus

So now it was the day before I was to lead my troops to meet the small approaching army. At the moment I was polishing my Ramabanana while my soldier prepared their armor and weapons. It was peaceful as I rubbed all the way up then all the way down in smooth motions while watching manly things happening in front of me by manly, sweaty soldiers. Life was good.

“Sir, you're needed in the throne room.” a guard had come to inform me that I was summoned by a Princess but not what for. I stood up and motioned for Rathlos to come forth.

“Polish my Ramabanana until it... gleams.” I handed off my rod and made way for the throne room. And here I was expecting Luna to discuss about tomorrow but instead I get...

“A royal stuck bitch. What do you want?” the moment I walked in my mood went strait to fuck you. Celestia sat at the throne and we were all alone, I never gave her a chance to say a word.

“I have more important things to do then being in the same breathing air with a stick-up-the-ass twat.” I turned right back out the door living her with a shocked expression, this was most likely going to get me executed or something but no one ever made me instantly mad like she did. It felt like I drank the essence of a midget trying to reach the candy on the top shelf for the last hour with no one to help. I just walked off in a random direction to get away from her. Some how I ended up in front of a dearly departed.

“You will be miss Lord of that was all fucked up and awesome.” I placed my hand on the door that was once Discord's room. The piece that we did find of him were only enough to put in a small box and cremate it, the rest of him was soup. I slowly pulled my hand away and walked off from the living area of the greatest masterpiece ever. All this sadness and blow up gods was making me hungry (really I was just looking for an excuse to eat), so I headed off to the kitchen once again. Along the way I heard familiar voices in a room I passed so I went back to it quietly.

“Stop that tickles!”

“Nope.” it was Luna and Travis doing something that I'm sure I would record and place online. That lucky bastard got the one princess that wasn't a bitch and some one to be with (I bet your like “but Meason you've been with so many ponies already so what's wrong?). Well little side narrator voice this is the problem. I want someone, dear I say it, a special somepony. Even back home I was a man whore who craved to be with someone and it's the same here. It's the same everywhere.

I backed away from the door and wasn't hungry any more. I went back to the barracks and found my rod all nice and shinny. I turned to see my troops with everything ready for tomorrow and it was only noon.

“Ok men listen up!” they all went strait into a line and stood at attention. I walked in front of them and was quiet for a second.

“Tomorrow we, the best that Equestria has, will meet with those saddle backs. We are to slice, cut, and gut every last one of them. Some of you will die and that's a sacrifice I am willing to make.” I paused again for a moment.

“So for tonight... show of hands, who would like to watch a movie?” they looked at one another confused but then slowly hands, claws, and hoofs raised up.

“... and cuddle?” all but one hoof stayed in the air. I nodded and grinned, movie night was on. So skipping the movie about a stallion who thought he was a mare and engaging in many late nights with stallions that ended hilariously, the most manliest pillow fight that ended up in only one near death, and the massive sleep-spooning session we are going to the next day.

“Ass holes and elbows!” I yelled out to my still sleeping troops. They got up with groans and moans.

“I want you rump rangers ready by the time I got to the bathroom and drop a midget!”

“SIR YES SIR!” they all answered at once and I nodded satisfied. I left and made way to the throne room hoping Luna would be there. She was.

“Ah Meason, how did you sleep?” she asked as I approached.

“If there was a bowl of soup it would have been better.” I said with a bounce of my eye brows and the left one fell off and floated down to the ground.

“I wish you luck in your battle.” she spoke as I picked up my eye brow and licked it, sticking it in place. I guess she learned not to question what I said about my nights. I nodded and headed back to the barracks to find them suited up and ready.

“Assemble at the front gates!” I called out at they made way to their distention. Now I stood alone as I picked up my Ramabanana.

“And now you contemplate wither or not you will come back.” I voice said behind me as I stood there. I chuckled and didn't turn around.

“Our spy?”

“No, just a messenger. The real spy still lurks around. I came here to tell you that you won't be coming back if you lead your troops. Instead go back home. We can show you how.” go back home to earth? Screw that noise.

“I'll pass.” I walked off with that and can feel that they were gone. Moments later a stood in front of my troops. Raising my rod high I let out a shout.

“Forward march!” and with that we began our way to glory. Mean while in the throne room with a bitch, a two chin retard, and nighty night time.

“I hope they come back soon and victorious.” Luna spoke as she played with Travis's hair.

“He'll probably die.” Travis said and if I had been there Luna's hoof would 'accidentally' be down his throat. Then Celestia spoke up.

“Why does he yell at me?” she was really confused when she could her again and all she heard was me screaming at her. Then from there on all I did was yell at her some more when she was near.

“No idea.” they all sat there for a bit until royal duties needed to be attended to by Celestia. Luna and Travis left her be.

“Since we have nothing to do until Meason comes back, why don't we head up to my chambers?” Travis had a large grin on his face and they both hurried to her room. Then a little bit later Travis found him self with his arms tied to two poles and in his tighty whities.

“Umm Luna?” he called out from in his knees when suddenly a crop floating in the air slapped him on his ass. He let out a yelp and out step Luna in black leather and stockings.

“It's Nightmare Moan.” she went up to Travis and forced the ball gag on him.

“Remember the safe word rhymes with orange.” and suddenly I don't feel sorry for him. I wish I was there to see him groan behind the red ball in his mouth and Luna man handling him. How did she learn that you ask? I told her about it and said Travis would love that. She did it out of love. I did it out of friendship (snicker).

We soon were approaching the battle field and I could see the Saddle Arabia army closing in. Now Luna said small. This was more 300 and they were not the Spartans, I hated to see what there main army was like. Then we were staring each other down with only a hundred or so feet between us.

~Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,

Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together,

Brighter than a lucky penny,

When you're near the rain cloud disappears, dear,

And I feel so fine just to know that you are mine.~

You know how terrifying it is to see a large man with a huge rod skipping and singing about happiness and coming right at you ready to murder you? I would shit my pants. I lead the charge and my men soon after me. Then they charged to meet us and we soon clashed with ponies flying through the air with a flick of my wrist. They had ponies, dragons, minotaurs alike in their army but it didn't matter. I was sending them flying, smashing them into the ground, and swiping them away like nothing. I couldn't thing of anything else I'd rather be doing right now as I crushed them with mighty, earth shattering blows.

“Keep at it man, I want to bath in blood tonight.” I called out over the roar of the battle and the cries for mercy from the stallion under my foot. I ignored him and with a twist of my foot there was a loud snap and no more crying.

Now remember back when Luna told me about this battle and I felt like it was a trap? I have great instincts. Two large groups of unicorns flared with magic and two huge portals opened out of thin air. What came out was two very large and stout living rocks. Earth trolls (now to my knowledge they are not in the show but are in the comic and yes I have the comics because they are awesome /'3'). Very tall, gray skin that makes them look like a rock, a jutting under jaw, and stupid looking expressions (like Travis).

We were winning but I didn't like this. Mostly because they were swinging their large arms around like clubs and attacking any one. I knew I had to take them out fast.

“Rathlos left, I'll get the right!” he spotted the large creatures lumbering towards us and took off after the left one while I went for mine. Sprinting with my rod trailing behind me I closed in on it and when I got close to it I jumped up while swinging the Ramabanana upward. It connected with it's jutting lower jaw with crack and it tumbled back wards landing on several ponies. With one down I turned to see Rathlos with a chain wrapped around the others neck and he was pushing with his legs until he was standing on it's back with both ends of the chain in his claws. I ran over as it fell to it's knees and knocked Rathlos off. The chain was still wrapped around it's neck and I picked up Rathlos with a grin. We both grabbed an end of the chain and pulled as the creature tried to go forward, helping us choke it. Soon it just fell over limp with one last growl. I was about to high five Rathlos when I was suddenly swatted away by a large chalk gray hand.

“General!” Rathlos yelled for me from the other side of the other troll, it got back up as we were taking out the other one. When I was hit my rod was knocked away and I was now being bored down upon by an angry brute. I looked past it and nodded at Rathlos who turned and yelled.

“FALL BACK!” the two armies started to separate with the Saddle Arabians down to roughly half it's original size and mine not by much. Soon they were off in the distance and I was surrounded with an angry troll trying to rip me apart. The only thing I could do was duck and dive out of it's grasp as the army stopped me from getting do my rod. Until it finally caught me and held me up to it's ugly, angry face and holding tightly making me squeak out the wrong end.

“Hey did you hear the one about the two alicorns and the earth pony?” it growled and slammed me into the ground. I guess it did and didn't like it.

“He's still alive, we'll take this one back.” I heard a voice talk but it was distant as I blacked out. As I was taken prisoner my army reached Canterlot where Luna waited by the gate with a sore Travis. They watched as they walked by towing the huge rod on a cart unable to carry it. Rathlos walked up to her with a sad shake of his head and she simply nodded. Travis looked at them confused them back at the Ramabanana as they carted it away.

Is it wrong if I said I liked it?

When I woke up everything was dark but with faded light trying to get through. Then I noticed I was blind folded, I could feel the cloth wrapped around my eyes and head. I was being slightly tossed around on a hard wooden surface and I wasn’t able to support my self since my legs and hands were bound together.

“Halt!” I heard a loud yet muffled voice and I slid a little forward as we came to a stop. I must have been in a wagon or something to be transported. Then there was the sound of shuffling movement and a flapping of cloth being held back.

“Now don't you try anything.” I heard a gruff voice spoke as a pair of claws grabbed my legs and pulled me to it's owners. I held still, resisting the urge to start yelling stranger danger, as they pulled me to them and my legs were cut free from their bindings. I was pulled out and set on my feet as a pair of hands along with the pair of claws marched me forward.

“Ew, what is it?”

“I have no pro or con feelings to this being.”

“Dat ass!” ok so a mixed sort of comments coming from others I couldn't see as we passed by them. I heard more more hushed talk as I was lead to somewhere unknown until finally we were stopped by a voice.

“What are you bringing to the doors of the throne room?” then the voice that dragged me out answered.

“We're... not entirely sure but it was leading troops from Canterlot.” there was a moment of silence where I suspect they were inspecting me.

“Take it in, the king sits at the throne.” I was pushed forward and tripped on some stairs, laughing came from around me. After a little more slight trips I finally made it up the stairs and lead down a long hall. We kept going until I was forced to stop.

“Bow before the king!” someone screamed in my ear and then I was hit in the back of the knees and punched in the stomach, forced to my knees (which I usually don't mind but their weren't being very gentle). Finally the blind fold was ripped off and I had to blink my eyes from the sudden flow of light. The first thing I saw was cold steel eyes.

“King G'afssa we have brought you... something.” I didn't turn to see who was talking, my eyes were locked with his. His stare was holding and there was a hot wind blowing. He looked me over with an unreadable expression and finally talked.

“Who are you?” now normal this next thing I was going to say I would mentally beat my self but here’s why I didn't. I noticed below him, with collars and chains, was three feminine stallions laying down before his throne. It was the best shot I had.

“Who ever you want me to be.” he raised an eye brow and smirked. Suddenly his horn flared up and I was lifted from the ground, turned up side down and inches from his face.

“I've never had something so... exotic.” wow that was easy and now it was time for the fun part.

“My king, our spy has informed us that he is one of the Five Generals of Canterlot.” well fuck there goes any hope of my survival. G'afssa looked me over then smiled a nasty smile.

“Maybe you can be of some use... take him to my chambers.” suddenly he brought me forward and kissed me. Ok I've kissed guys before, mostly out of joking, but this felt different. Why? The king started to use tongue and pried open my mouth with his, snaking his tongue down my throat. I mean literally down my throat. His tongue was smooth, thick, and very long. Not only did it stretch out my throat from how thick it was but it went down and literally tickled my lungs. It was the strangest sensation ever besides self sod- with a sudden yank he pulled out his tongue leaving me gasping for air and saliva all around my mouth. I was dropped onto the floor and then picked back up by some guards that lead me away.

“So how do we get him back?” Travis asked as he leaned on a table with both arms, maps and other papers spread out on the top. The princesses, the other generals, and Fluttershy along with Pinkie Pie gathered around the table, Twilight and Rarity were gone somewhere and no one had seen them.

“We don't.” Luna said bluntly and before an out roar could lash out she spoke again.

“The castle of G'afssa as been entirely moved to a new location and we can not find it... so until such time there is nothing we can do.” I basically had no chance of bring rescued by these fuck tards so I was going to have to do it on my own.

“Go ahead and make your self comfortable.” the guard said as he cut off my hand bindings and pushed me into a very large room with a cold laugh. Everything was mostly hidden in shadows but what I could see was silk of various shades of purple covering nearly everything.

“Now what are you?” I jumped and turned to see the king slink out the shadows of the room. Ok deep breath, now relax. I regained my posture and let my body read boredom.

“Why is that so important?” he gave him a half smirk and looked at him casually. Then suddenly he used his magic and took my feet from under me and I landed on my back. He was over me in an instant.

“Who are you?” he had a hungry look in his cold eyes as his face was dangerously close for another tongue stretching.

“You'll have to tease it out of me.” is was as if he knew it as he face read 'challenge accepted'. Just as Cadence did, he went strait for the sweet spot as he firmly sunk his teeth into my neck and I let out an involuntary moan. He took it as me enjoying it but I didn't (don’t give me that look... fine maybe just a little) and stopped. Then he dove in to tongue punch my throat and as I was slightly choking as he used his hind legs to push mine apart. He shifted and caused me to raise my waist into the air and that’s when he struck. He started to grind hard into my raised crotch with his eyes fluttering close. After a minute he pulled back and stepped away, leaving me panting on the ground.

“Now to make sure no one bothers us.” he walked over to the open doors of a balcony to the out side and this is where we stop time. There's me, laying on the floor about six feet away from King G'afssa, who stood near the ledge of the balcony. Now I had some choices right now. A, accept what was about to happen and live, hopefully. B, make a break for it out the door and have a fifty-fifty chance of die or escaping. C, I wasn't about to become a sex slave again (fucking Eskimos). Time to unpause and Kevin Bacon his ass. I stood up fast and ran at him. He turned in time to see me jumping at him with both feet aiming right at him and slamming into his chest. With a shocked gasp he flipped over the ledge and fell down. I got up and leaned over to watch him fall.

“Can you fly, you sucker!? Can you fly?!” then I was flung back and slid across the floor to the middle of the room. He now flapped wings made of some kind of ethereal energy and the force of him shooting back up tossed me back. He landed gently on the balcony and the wings dissipated as he slowly walked to me. That’s when he slammed his front hooves into my chest over and over. Over and over. All the while with a cold smile until my count got to thirty six and he stopped. I curled up clutching my chest trying to breath, I'm sure he broke a rib or two.

“I'm finished with him.” I didn't know who he was talking to but suddenly I was forced onto my knees. I was spitting up blood as he slowly turned to me.

“If only you had behaved, you wouldn't be going to the dungeon. I'm sorry though, we could have had an amazing life together.” he was enjoying this and I was about to say something when a large minotaur stepped in front of me. The last thing I saw was his meaty fist clubbing down to my face.

Mean while in retard land Travis was getting ready to sleep. He wasn't sure if was going to be able to with his best friend a prisoner with Celestia knows what happening to him (except she doesn't even know).

“Don't worry love. I am sure he is fine.” Luna spoke as she laid in the bed in her chambers with Travis. This didn't help comfort him but there was nothing he could do. He would lay down with Luna and they would wake up the next day to keep the war going on. The Saddle Arabian's had a large army but ours was better trained. This left the war in a stalemate and not going anywhere soon. And that left me at my third day in the dungeon.

Fifty five. That was today's count so far. I wonder if this guy ever gets tired?

“Ok, ok. The name is... Kunta Kinte.” he might have believed me until I started snickering from the rope I was hanging by my wrists, dangling a foot of the ground. Another crack of the whip left a trail of pain along my back with the other fifty five of today. Holding the whip was an ugly, large green dragon with missing scales and scares all over his hide.

“Your trying my patients!” fifty seven came with the last word. I must be a glutten for punishment.

“Sticks and stones might break my bones but chains and whips excite me.” that earned me two more lashes. He was growling with anger as he tried to get information from me. He wasn’t going to though, my mouth was closed tighter then a crap's sphincter. Well maybe not as tight.

“Hit me baby one more time.” I think he had enough because I lost count somewhere after seventy. It's good thing I have a high thresh hold for pain but everyone had their limits and I couldn't even make smart ass remarks any more.

“Come I am done with him.” I hung there for a second before suddenly dropping to the ground on my back causing my to suppress a cry of pain. A tall lanky purple dragon pulled me to my feet, rebinding my hands, and lead my out the torture room and back to my cell. It was a small cage of bars with a nothing in side but a filthy floor that I slept on. It was dark, dank, and musky like the usual prison cells. I was walked into my cell and left in the dark, I wasn't sure what time it was since there was no way to the out side but a couple flight of stairs.

I don't know how long it had been but I was asleep on the ground on my side facing the cell door. Something caused me to open my eyes and it was out side my cell. I don't know who it was, all I could see was a pony covered all the way in a tan cloak. I lifted my head a bit to look at them as the shadows hid the face under neath. Then a lock of purple hair fell out as something was floated through the air.

“So your the spy...” I slowly started to black out again as a former friend left me in the dark. Alone in the dark, in pain, and waiting to die. All so familiar.

Do you even praise the sun?

I was woken up by cold water being tossed on me. I blinked the water out of my eyes and spat it out of my mouth as a guard walked in, roughly pulling me up to my feet. He marched me out and back to the same place as before. Today he wasted no time, didn't even unbind my hands and tie me up, no the ugly green dragon just tarted beating me. He kept punching me in the face and stopped only to kick me in the stomach. With one finally punch he knocked my onto the floor and I laid there spitting out a tooth.

“Aww man, that was my favorite tooth.” he glared at me as he walked over to a large pot I hadn't seen that sat over a fire.

“Unfortunately for you we no longer have any use of you.” he clicked open the cover of the pot and bubbling oil sloshed with in.

“Oh deep fry, thirteen spices?” he quickly came over to me and picked me up by my hair to my knees.

“What is wrong with you? Don't you realize you are going to die?!” he snorted in my face and I looked at him with a bloody grin.

“We all die sooner or later.” he let go of me and walked back to the pot.

“Unfortunately for you it will be sooner.” he turned to me with a dark smile and was about to walk to me when a loud bang stopped him. He turned and look at the door to the dungeon as a lanky purple dragon walked in.

“What's happening?” the torturer asked as the dragon took off the helmet hiding it's face, green spikes coming up. As my bindings fell to the floor I rushed forward and slammed into the green dragon, pushing him into the boiling oil and the lid falling with a click. From in sides was screams of agony as the lock kept the cover from opening. Just another scream to haunt my dreams.

“Meason!” the dragon rushed down and had me lean on him for support.

“Spike?” I looked confused at the dragon who looked like an older version of him.

“Come on we need to get out of here.” he helped me up the stairs and out the dungeon. More loud explosions sounded through out the castle causing soldiers to run around. Soon we were out in the court yard with the front gates in sight.

“Come on we're-”

“Don't let them escape!” we looked back to see a large group of guards coming after us. Spike picked up the pace and I tried my best to run. We got out the gates but they were closing fast. We made our way over a hill when we were in trouble.

“Uh oh!”

“What do you mean 'uh oh'? The armor Spike was wearing started to get to big for him and he started getting smaller.

“The spell is wearing off!” we kept going but then we ran out of ground as we came to a cliff edge. The armor was to much and Spike fell forward still in the chest plate, then we were surrounded. Spike got out the armor and stood in front of me as I looked over the cliff. A stallion lunged at Spike with his sword but I was faster. Spike closed his eyes waiting for the killing blow but it never came, instead the blade was sunk to the hilt in my left hand between the bones of the middle and ring finger. I kicked him back and the sword jerked with him, going upwards and cutting through the rest of my hand leaving it nearly in two with two fingers on one side and the other three on the other side. I stepped back and grabbed Spike with my still working hand.

“Looks like you're going to fly early!” I spun around and flung him off the edge and watched as he dropped from sight. Then a blur of rainbow and purple shot up as Rainbow Dash flew with him safely in her arms. I was taken down by the guards and dragged back to the castle. There was holes in the stone from the magic infused bombs Rainbow Dash had been dropping. I was lead to the throne room where an angry king sat.

“If only you could behave. Now I have to send them your head on a pike.” I was forced to kneel with my hands tied behind my back, blood still pouring from my ruined hand. I was getting light headed.

“You were so beauti-” a loud explosion interrupted the king and behind us a large section of the right wall fell in and a very large red dragon hissed angrily. I kicked out and knocked down the guard next to me before jumping up and running to the dragon. Unable to use my arms I slid to him and wrapped my legs around his large arm.

“Fly you idiot!” I said as he shot down fire to keep the guards away. Backing out of the hole he turned and with a mighty leap took off into the air.

“I'll show you an idiot when I drop you.” he growled at me as we flew off. The castle was shrinking in the distance as I watched upside down from the dragon's arm but I was still bleeding and my vision started to blur. I couldn't help it as my legs relaxed and I slowly slipped off the dragon. The last thing I remembered was something soft, multiple sets of wings, brushing against me.

Travis paced up and down the hall of the infirmary. I had been brought back nearly gray and nasty lashes all over my back. Right now the doctor did everything she could for me. Then four of the mane six came, Twilight and Rarity still missing.

“Is he...” Applejack started but the door opened and the doctor stepped out. They all waited for the news.

“How is he doctor?” Travis asked nervously as the blond mare looked up at him.

“We managed to put the hand back together and get ride of the whip marks.” the mares let out sighs of relief but Travis was still worried.

“Ok but how is he?” the mare looked at him confused but then understood.

“I don't know how being tortured is like but we think he'll be ok.” then from in side a loud voice yelled out.

“Get your hoof off my ass! What the hell are you doing?”

“SIXTY THREE!” Travis shook his head with a sigh.

“He's fine.” he walked past the doctor and into the room where I was resting on the bed.

“Hey there ass hole.” I said as Travis came closer. He didn't react or anything, he just sat down at the edge of the bed. After a few moments of silence he spoke.

“Ya know we couldn't find ya. Ah was sure yer were dead...” aww he cared about me, how sweet.

“Die? Yeah right, not until I get to watch you and Luna do it so I know you really aren’t a virgin.” I grinned at him and he just shook his head, getting up to leave. As he left the girls came in to see me. After a little bit of tears and hugs they left me to get some sleep. I wasn't sure how long it had been but I woke up to the sound of the door opening and two mares walking.

“Hello darling.” it was Rarity and she had a sad look on her face. I smiled as I sat up and then saw Twilight behind her unable to look up at me. She slowly walked up to the bed with her head hung low.

“At least I'm alive.” I said and she couldn't take it any more as she jumped up on the bed hugging me while crying. I hugged her back and ran a hand through her mane to calm her down. See Twilight had been the spy, well actually a double agent. We had no idea where the king's castle was so we had a plan. The plan was to get some one in side with a magical tracker then cause some damage before rescuing the in side man. This was what Luna needed to talk to me about when she told me about the spy and then about the plan but not telling me who it was. That one day everything went according to plan. Well except the being tortured part. While Rarity distracted the guards Twilight gave me a small knife to free my self. Like I said no one but the two and Luna knew who the 'spy' was and when the purple strip in her hair fell out I knew it was her.

“I-if I had known...” she said as she cried in my arms. It wasn't her fault, I knew what I was getting into. After awhile she calmed down and got down from the bed. They both left and I laid back don to sleep but about ten minutes later the door opened once again. It was Celestia.

“Hello Meason.” she came in and softly closed the door. I just sighed and said nothing.

“No yelling?” she asked as she came closer.

“No, don't have the energy.” I heard her sigh in relief as she came to the right side of my bed.

“Then will you let me talk?” I just looked at her as she watched me.

“Sure.” over the next few minutes she told me why she had been ignoring me.

“Well... I feel like a complete ass hole.” I said and she chuckled.

“Then let's start over. I am Princess Celestia.” I looked at her and smiled, no more anger.

“I'm Meason.” then she started to get on the bed and softly laid down on me, I became really confused.

“Here let me apologize for making you feel like I was being rude to you.” she slowly lowered her muzzle to my mouth. So keeping this teen and not having the sex tab lets just say the next couple of hours were the best apology I have ever got. Luna and Travis were coming to visit me and when they opened the door they both went wide eyed.

“Can we try that?” Travis asked Luna as neither took their eyes off us.

“Only if you be a good boy.” she said as they closed the door quietly, we never heard them open it in the first place. Afterwords I was finally left alone to get some sleep but now I could barely move my hips which was fine with me. I woke up the next day and was surprise to find my self in a bed and not a cell floor. It took me a second to remember I was no longer a prisoner... of King G'afssa.

The next few days went by pretty quick with Celestia making sure I got my daily dose of vitamin D and I made sure she did too. I was finally released and made my way to the kitchen. I knew they were serving me food from here but my mind was like 'hospital food' and it just tasted nasty. Along they way I meet a very sick looking Twilight.

“Are you ok?” asked her as she leaned against the wall.

“I'm suppose to be giving a speech in a few minutes but I feel terrible.” I looked her over again. The shakes, the sweats, and the pudgy stomach.

“When's the last time you used the bathroom?” she looked at me confused. I don’t remember how long it's been but those were the sign’s of the Anal Destroyer about to live up to it's name.

“You should go to the bathroom... now.” she was still confused but then she went wide eyes and with a flash of light she teleported away. From the floor above I could her screams of agony and I chuckled. Then a mare came by looking swiftly everywhere.

“Have you seen Miss Sparkle? She's due in five minutes for the speech.” I was about to shake my head but then I stopped.

“She came down with... something. I'll be taking her place.” she looked at me then shrugged, motioning for me to follow her. She lead me to a balcony that had war officials and citizens ten feet below. I clapped my hands and spoke.

“Wardrobe.” the mare looked at me confused when suddenly a curtain dropped in front of me and ponies rushed behind it. When it lifted I was wearing a black silk Italian suit.

“Flawless? Check.”

“Make up.” I went to sit down and a chair pulled up beneath me. Different ponies came this time and applied the necessary make up was applied. I stood up once again.

“Flawless once more? Double check.” I stepped pass the mare and onto the balcony to a podium. There was a magical speaker to amplify my glorious voice for all to hear.

“In the place of Twilight Sparkle, who as fallen ill most likely due to enemy efforts, I, Meason, will give you her speech.” I looked down at the podium where a stack of cards sat. I picked them up and thumbed through them before tossing them away.

“A warning to the people...” I started off with a slight echo in my voice.

“To the good and the evil. This is war. To the soldier, the civilian, the martyr, the victim... This is war.” I could see Travis down below face palming (this is totally original and not a rip off).

“It's the moment of truth, and the moment to lie, the moment to live and the moment to die. The moment to fight, the moment to fight. To fight... to fight... TO FIGHT!” this was getting the crowd riled up.

“To the right, to the left, we will fight to the death! To the edge of the world. It's a brave new world form the last to the first. Because... THIS IS WAR!” the crowd erupted into cheers and I bowed. I turned and left with a large grin. I'm such the motivational speaker.

In memory of our dearly beloved Ramabanana, forever in our heart.

So far, in this chaos, it's been a month of war. I didn't think I'd be slaughtering my enemies with a smile... I guess old habits die hard. Right now Travis, Shining Armor, and Applejack lead their troops to battle with a very large army of Saddle Arabia. Rainbow Dash lead an air assault on the king's castle until it was no longer standing, they now moved somewhere else. They suffered heave casualties but they seem to never end. And what was I doing you ask?

“Raise the flag!” I called out and soon a blue flag with a large white gold c was waving in the wind. I stood on the deck of my ship, the Semanizer, wearing black leather boots, purple pants, a white shirt, a black captain’s cloak, and a large feathery rainbow hat that would put a cursed pirate to shame. I was in all sense, majestic. Then my crew, dragons, ponies, and minotaurs, all wore short white and blue sailor outfits complete with the little hat. The ship broke across the waves of the calm, deep blue sea with the sun up low in the morning. A glorious day for meeting the end.

“Ready the port side cannons!” I ordered as I steered the ship so they would face the ten Saddle Arabian ships closing in on us. They were black with gray sails and seemed to hoover across the water. I was sent out to stop the sea invasion with only the Celestian flag ship with me. It was a large white gold colored ship that waved a golden sun on it's flag. Celestia her self was on the ship so she could watch the out come of this battle. As the ship lined up there was a silence.

“Orders Captain?” Rathlos, in his snug sailor's outfit, came to me waiting as the ten ships came closer. I looked at them with a smirk, it was time to send them to a deep watery hole (Travis: That's what she said!).

“Make it rain!” I called out to my men on the deck and they got into position. The cannons were pointed at the ships but then they were pulled back and pointed up. With a barrage of loud bangs they went off and cannon balls soared up into the air. Normally they would never hit but these were not normal cannon balls, they were Meason Ball's (extra salty). As they reached their peak in the air, they exploded into a deadly cloud of burning shrapnel that rained down on the ships like needles. Sails were set ablaze and the fire quickly spread to the rest of the ship, all but one ship was hit. Soon the burning ships started to sink as the crew jumped into the waters and left the last ship alone.

“Captain starboard side!” I was interrupted in my moment of victory as a ship prepared to board us. It came from nowhere it seemed but it didn't matter. From cannon fire or hull to hull I would sink anyone.

“Lower deck cannons fire, the rest of you dogs kill 'em all or I'll be guttin' you!” as I issued my order boards were dropped from the other ship onto mine and soldiers started running across. My men drew their weapons as I stood there not moving. The two side clashed in battle cries and cannon fire as a dragon soldier ran at me. As he brought his cutlass down I side stepped and spun the wheel, causing it to hit him repeatedly in the jaw. That caused my ship to tilt more into the other and the main sails of both ships to lock together. As we battled it out the other ship started taking shots at us.

“I'm surrounded, you poor bastards.” I said as a large group of soldiers circled me. I pulled out my Ramabanana (from where is a secret) and spun with it out stretched, knocking them off in all directions. For ten minutes we fought while the lone ship still fired at us but then there was a loud groaning noise.

“Captain their sinking, we'll be taken right down with them!” after punting a minotaur off the side I looked over to see their ship going down and then I looked up to see us still locked together. If I didn't figure out something fast we'd sink with them. I sighed as I brought my rod to my face, it was the only way.

“I'll miss you my sweet.” I gave it a soft kiss before arching back and aiming right at their mast, flinging it with lightning speed (because I can). It punched through their mast and separated us, slowly they sunk alone as my Ramabanana soared in the air and disappeared into the distance. It was the last time I saw that beautiful hunk of anal pulverization. As we finished off the last of the soldiers I noticed we weren't being fired at any more. The ship sunk, the last soldier was killed, and the other ship seemed to be fleeing. All in a days work. My crew started cheering and I smirked.

“No one can stand up against the might of the Semanizer, right boys?” I yelled out and was answered by more cheering. I noticed the lone ship still out there so I pulled out a spy glass from my coat pocket and looked at it bouncing on the waves. It seemed badly damaged and looked like it was covered in barnacles and seaweed. I looked on the deck to see what I believed was the captain.

“Ha, that pony has a squid on his face.” …... oh fuck. I quickly looked over the side once again to see something large squirming in the water. I knew we were in trouble.

“To the life boats, abandon ship! Back to the Celestian flag ship!” I shouted and the crew looked at me confused. Rathlos came up to me quickly.

“Captain, what's-” he was cut off as a large torrent of water exploded out the sea and shot into the air. As the water fell away it reviled a massive tentacle (and not the Japanese kind). I kicked away Rathlos as it came crashing down and then several more erupting out the water soon after.

“Abandon ship, that's an order!” now my crew moved as tentacles waved around and snaked around the ship. Pegasus and dragons with wings took off into the air, the rest loaded into the life boats and the unicorns used their magic to speed the boats away.

“Last boat Captain!” Rathlos called out as the last of my crew loaded onto it. I started to run for it but then a tentacle smashed down in front of me, blocking my way. I looked past it and at Rathlos.

“AN ORDER!” the last thing I saw of them was Rathlos shouting and the boat dropping out of sight. More tentacles wrapped around the ship and loud groans sounded in the air. I turned around and tried to make for the other side of the ship when another tentacle dropped down.

“Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger!” I was trapped and a loud snap rang into the air as the ship started to pull apart into two halves. I sighed and watched as the side of the ship I wasn't on get pulled under. The tentacle blocking me slipped away back into the water and I made my way to the end of the ship as it started to tilt up.

“Gentleman, it's been an honor.” I pulled out a violin as my band stood with me with more violins and a cello. We played slow as the ship tilted more and was pulled into the sea. Celestia watched in horror as I went down with tentacles slamming into the water. There was a few moments of silence as all my crew made it to her ship. Now the beast set it's slimy appendages on her. She watched as the water frothed with the coming of the monster and waited for the incoming doom. Then suddenly the Kraken stopped and started to surface. It floated there not moving with it's tentacles waving in the air.

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!” everyone looked around confused as a booming voice spoke.

“IT'S TIME FOR THE FIRST EQUESTRIAN MONSTER BASH! THE TERROR OF THE SEA IN ALL IT'S SLIMY GROPINGNESS... THE KRAKEN! NOW HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE FOR THE YELLOW MAN'S TERROR. THE SQUINTY EYED MAN'S DESTROYER. THE ORGINAL, NOT THE RETARDED T-REX NEW YORK VERSION... GODZILLA!!!” from in front of Celestia's ship the water boiled and slowly rose with theme music. On top of Godzilla's head me and my band played it's theme music and stopped to jump down onto the ship but the song still playing. Celestia stared at me in shock as I turned to Godzilla.

“Godzilla used hyper beam!” I turned and pointed dramatically at the Kraken out in the sea. Then letting out a mighty roar, Godzilla opened it's mouth as a blue glow built up. It then shot out and sped into the water with a thunderous clap, pulling down the slimy beast under the water. Suddenly a large torrent of bloody water shot up in a spout and bits and pieces showered down.

“It was super effective!” Godzilla turned and looked down at the ship with it's menacing panther face and caused some of the crew to get scared. I raised a hand and saluted as Godzilla dropped back down into the sea. Next thing I know Celestia tackled me with a hug to the deck.

“You scared the fuck out of me!... You better put it back in then.” she gave me a devilish smile. Who knew that I was such a good lover (I did)?

“Back home boys.” I called out before being stripped. As we sailed back home the crew was treated to Sunny getting the D (also the only D 12 year old's should be getting). The return trip home was longer then it should be but it's hard to work with massive tenting.

“I'm glad you two are getting along so well now.” Luna said as we sat at a massive table in the court yard with other tables filled with ponies. We returned home to a feast befitting a brown god such as my self. The mane six, both princesses, Shinning Armor, Travis, and me all sat together for the feast.

“Oh we've done more then just get along. Just the other day in the shower-”

“Now before ah loss my appetite. What's the plan now?” Travis cut me off before I could continue the wet shower scene.

“First we're gona do some more 'hiya's' and then some 'kayaa's' and finish with some 'boya's'!” that was Pinkie Pie talking. Since her, Rarity, and Fluttershy were not generals they did other stuff. Pinkie Pie the strategist, Rarity and Fluttershy medics. Twilight still did some spy stuff.

“Sounds like a solid plan, let's eat!” I said slamming down my fist on the table and food was brought out by servants. They filled up the table with mouth watering morsels and I dug in. I grabbed a bowl of chunky soup and took a bite. When I swallowed I felt strange and not like a normally do. My throat felt like I was eating cough drops and I became itchy all over. Everyone became worried when I suddenly stood up and started twitching wildly.

“Is it poisoned?!” Rarity said in panic as I then started to scratch all over. Travis looked at my bowl and pulled it to him to taste it.

“Squid? Oh he's fine.” they looked at him and then at me as I started rubbing against a pillar to relieve the itch.

“The only thing it does is make him itchy and then give... him... lot's of energy.” he slowly looked up at me with horror as a weird noise started emitting from my body. I started flickering with crashing computer sounds. Then I derezzed from existence.

The fabric of space-time and of reality right before my eyes and yet I could not grasp it as I was bounced off the portals of other dimensions. In the span of a second and a million years I traveled what was eons. Everything also smelt like snozzberries.

Suddenly I flashed back into darkness. Darkness was soft yet firm, warm, and had a heart beat. I slowly looked up to the face of a wolf. With a step back my mouth dropped, I must be in hell cause this was yiff. I rematerialized face first into a massive pair of tits of a she wolf furry. Then there was more of them, more furries of different species with perfect asses and breast. All with no clothes. Slowly they approached me and inspecting me with their hands with 'oh's' and 'aw's'. They ran their hands along me and the wolf in front of me grabbed my hands. She guided them up and strait for the round melons on her chest. I'm an ass and tit man but ponies don't have tits really, so this was amazing. Suddenly I started flickering again and before my fingers could brush the luscious mounds I disappeared. Next thing I knew I was standing on top of the table with everyone looking at me.

“Uh hey Meason.” Travis said as I stared in front of me with my hands still in position.

“But I didn't...” I squeezed at the spot where they once bounced and unaware of everything else.

“I wonder what happened?” Rainbow Dash said as she flicked some peas at me and I stood there unresponsive. Glorious groping what what was going to happen but alas the cosmos was an ass hole.

Oh the places you will shortly sleep at

Oh the places you will shortly sleep at

“...For tonight, we party!” cheering sounded through out the court yard as I thrust my mug of cider into the air. We were entering the second month of the war and had just whipped out a massive force with few casualties. This war was dragging on but we were doing good as we came back home with more and more wins. We figured we had some time to our selves after the battle and decided it should be used for fun, so that we could escape our responsibilities even if just for a night. Large barrels of wine and other alcohol was rolled out as the party begun. Music was brought to us by none other then DJ Pon-3, who came up to me as the party was bouncing.

“So long time no see.” She said as I looked at her and tightened my lips as I nodded. I remembered more then I wanted to from Pony-gra and she was a large reminder.

“But seriously, when our you going to come dance for me again? I have a lot of customers asking-” I quickly shoved a drink into her mouth as Celestia was coming over. I went to meet her as Vinyl was coughing from the sudden intrusion of fluid down her throat (that’s what she said. Wait no, that’s what she did. You know what, forget it). Celestia looked at me with a raised eye brow.

“She was really thirsty.” she gave me a look that said 'sure' and shook her head. She then leaned in real close to me and whispered into my ear.

“Why don't you go get us a barrel and we'll go off somewhere else.” I liked the sound of that as I pushed my way through dancing ponies. When I got the barrel I turned to see her slipping into the walk way to the garden. I rushed to the walk way with some mare holding onto my leg saying with a slur about how much she loved popcorn. I finally shook her off and made it into the garden where a large tent was set up, one of those that could fit about ten people. I went to the opening and called out.

“Celestia you in here?” there was some shuffling and a cough.

“Come in.” I paused because the voiced that answered was feminine but very deep, it made me real reluctant to go in. I slowly ducked in and saw her sitting down while sucking on a small, long hose that was connected to a vase. A paused once again after rolling in the barrel.

“You have hooka here?” she smiled at me seductively and floated up another hose. I sat down and took the hose as she opened the barrel.

“Hooka and Applejack Daniels, what could make this better?” I took a long puff from the hose and felt the tingling and slight light headedness. Sweet melon, nice. I looked up and saw her biting her lip with her eyes half closed. Ok this is how it could get better.

“But first...” she stopped me as I was about to crawl over to her and lifted the lid as she replaced the tobacco in side. Before I could really see what it was she covered it up and took a puff. I was about to fallow suit but then she leaned forward and kissed me while blowing the smoke into my mouth. The sticky icky. Now to the fun part, that we're skipping because this isn't clop, where I remember everything until a large, round plot made everything go dark yet warm.

I woke up to the sounds of birds chirping and someone puking out side the tent, a beautiful day. I began stretching my neck and went left to see Celestia asleep besides me. Then I went right to see another sleeping white muzzle but with purple hair. I don't remember Rarity ever coming in but she looked like she went through five rounds with... me. I tried to flip over onto my stomach but something was holding down my legs so I lifted them to see what it was. An orange cowpony slept between my legs with her head covering my crotch. I really wish I could remember what happened. I was tempted to just close my eyes and go back to sleep but other people make plans that involve me. A guard rushed in the tent to find me.

“General Meason, we have reports of troops advancing in the streets!” I quickly got up causing Applejack to fly forward and was fully dressed. I fallowed the guards to the front gates to see a small band of soldiers stumbling down the street, they looked like they had been through hell and back. I ordered them to open the gates and I went out to intercept the soldiers. When I reached them they stopped, about fifteen horribly worn down Saddle Arabian troops, suddenly they started to fall over one after another. The one in the lead, a minotaur with both horns gone, fell into me and I quickly grabbed him, none of them were armed.

“Ple... ase...” he motioned for me to come closer and he whispered in my ear. After that he died, all of them were dead. I gently set him down and stood up as several guards came up to me.

“Bury them...” I turned and walked past the confused guards going to the court yard filled with spent bodies.

“TIME TO SLAUGHTER...” I started, yelling out to my soldiers mixed in the piles of sweat and hang overs. Suddenly they shoot up and stood at attention.

“... OR DIE BEAUTIFULLY!” they answered back as I looked a them. Rathlos popped up in front of me with two large stallions still passed out on his shoulders.

“I want you Ass Pirates at the front gates fully armed in ten minutes, do you understand me?”

“SIR, YES SIR!” with that they left and other started to wake up with groans of disapproval from all the shouting. I didn't care if I made their heads throb more, I had work to do. I went to get the weapon I made to replace the Ramabanana.

Forged in the fires that burned to melt nacho cheese, made of metal extracted from the colon of a porn star, and cooled in piss because there was no water and I had to go bad. The weapon that an entire nation could not lift was wielded in my hands with ease. None could withstand the might of...

The Blackhead

The Blackhead was a ten foot long, one ton mace. The head of the mace was my head, the metal was melted and molded into an exact replica of my head but with a rape face. The last thing anyone at the end of this would see was my face getting ready to fuck them up for good. I slung it over my shoulder and made way to the front gate.

“Meason wait!” I stood at the front of my troops as Celestia came to me.

“Where are you going?” she asked me confused, no one had told her what had happen. I paused for a second then sighed.

“Ghastly Gorge.” with that I turned and ordered my men to start marching. I left her even more confused as a guard came to her to explain what had happen. We made our way to Ghastly Gorge on the information told to me by the dying soldier. What he told me brought back suspicions I had about this war. We may have been winning but something wasn't right with the war. Soon we had our destination in sight.

“Scout the area.” I ordered as I looked down into the gorge. I could see holes along the walls where the ells hid in side.

“So what we lookin' for?” Applejack walked up besides me along with Pinkie Pie and Travis. They came with a small troop of soldiers in case of trouble and they started scouting too.

“A cave.” they looked around confused at all the holes on the walls.

“Which one?” Travis asked as Rathlos came up to me.

“South side left wall sir.” I nodded and we fallowed him to where he told me. From above we had a perfect vantage point of the cave on the ground. Two guards stood watch at the entrance.

“Ok easy enough.” I said as I brought out my weapon and jumped. I landed right in front of the surprised guards as Pinkie Pie bounced down next to me. Applejack slid down the side and came down with no harm but Travis... He smashed down next to me in a pile of broken bones but soon he stood back up ok. With one swing I took out both guards and flung them into a hole in the wall where a hungry hiss sounded with in.

“That was easy.” I said as I put away the Blackhead (not telling where though). Some times I need to keep my mouth shut because after I said that soldiers started jumping out the holes in the walls. So now we were surrounded with our troops at the top.

“We're screwed.” Travis said as they closed in.

“Fear not my window licking friend for I have a plan. Pinkie Pie it is time.” she looked at me surprised then started rubbing her flank.

“Aww already? I'm still sore from last time and everyone is watching.” I faced palm and shook my head.

“No Pinkie the other time.” it finally dinged in her head and we got into position. We stood a little apart, my legs a little spread and her on her back legs doing the same. Then we stretched out our arms and started to slowly move them in wide circles. Right before my finger tips touched her hooves we spoke at once.

“Meason Digivolve to...”

“Pinkie Pie Digivolve to...” With that we touched and a blinding light hid us from everyone else. When it died away something else stood in in the spot between us from where we once were. Every looked at us in awe.

Fusing with Pinkie Pie if like being mind fucked with awesomeness and A.D.H.D. We had become one and what we were was amazing. We were a genderless, pink anthro in an orange, sleeveless jump suit. We had the same mane and tail of Pinkie Pie but brown like my hair. Our eyes were white but had different colored poka-dots in them.

“We are Pinkson... or maybe Meapie. we don't know we have to write this down real quick.” we sat down and pulled out a pen and paper to write down the possible names to call our self.

“Umm Meason or Pinkie Pie or who ever you are.... we're still surrounded.” Travis said nervously. We looked up and around us. With a smirk we rushed forward and started pimp slapping and nut kicking everyone in reach, we think Travis may have got nut checked too but we didn't care. When they kept on coming more and more we needed a new plan. With a powerful leap into the air we brought the base of our palms together and started charging.

So um Meason, I was digging around the back part of our brain and found this box that said-

Shh it's ok Pinkie, there's no reason to call the cops

“Super creamy triple strawberry dream delight batter beam!” After the little bound and gag a pink beam erupted from our hands and shot directly down at everyone below.

“Oh fu-” Travis tried to speak as the beam slammed down and washed over everyone before rapidly cooking into a humongous cake. We floated back down and landed on the cake in a cloud of smoke as we separated.

“Hell yeah cake!”

“EIGHTY EIGHT!” we bounced around on the cake for a bit until we heard muffled yells from under us.

“Oh no we have to eat them out!”

“EIGHTY SEVEN!” I'm sure Travis said a that's what she said underneath all that cake. Pinkie Pie and me started eating our friends to freedom. It was delicious until I bit into something more fleshy.

“Hey you're not a cake... oh I could totally take advantage of this situation.” what I bit into was Applejack's plot, it was raised higher then her so her head was still in the cake. She tried saying something but it was muffled and that's when I moved into position. I started slapping her cheeks and played them like a bongo with real sounds effects too. I would have kept going but she wiggled so much that she set her self free.

“Ok here's the deal, you take your troops and look around. Pink Sink and me are going into the cave.” every one split and went to do their jobs. Standing at the entrance we waited a second before going in.

“Pinkie... before we go all the way in you should know...” we walked further into the cave and out of ear shot from anyone. What we saw would make us come out an hour later with smoke bellowing out the cave. I came out with Pinkamena and we stood at the entrance in silence.

“It was the best thing we could do...” She slowly looked at me and then her hair slowly bounced back to normal. She jumped up and gave me a hug while smiling but I couldn't. She jumped back down and walked off as I stood there. Slowly my skin took a gray hue, my hair fell down from it's curls to strait, and I started to become skinny, my stomach caved in and I no longer had a gut as I lost weight from all around my body.

“It was the best thing we could do...” I said to my self, trying to re-ensure my actions. I no longer had the strange, funny yet good feelings any more. I just felt...

Meason did it

“... and I have received reports that you have ordered your men to mutilate the bodies of the fallen enemies. I see no point in such an act.” I stood before Celestia as she sat on her throne while Travis, Luna, and the Six watched from behind us. Celestia was pissed at me as she glared down to the former near male version of Pinkie Pie but more spicy. Still grayed color, flat hair, and skinny I stood there with out a word. Then she had a softer expression and spoke more kindly.

“Please Meason, you don't talk to me, I don’t see you, and look at you... what's wrong?” that was an easy one. I found out just how powerful King G'afssa was in that cave with Pinkie Pie. We found the reason to why this war was going on for so long. I don’t know why it affected me like this but it hit me hard. I sighed and finally told her the truth (and no I’m not coming out the closet).

“What the minotaur had told me furthered my suspicions...” I went on to tell her why I ordered my men to tear apart the bodies at Ponyville after the raid. Ponyville had been razed but we were able to evacuate everyone to Canterlot first. That’s also where I meet an old friend dragging himself along the snowy ground of early winter.

When I was being tortured I remembered every little detail especially my torturer. I hadn't noticed until he was in my face screaming but one of his eyes was completely black. I took my troops to fight off the raiders and found a dragon that looked like his scales had been burnt off. Then I saw his eyes and I made sure his body wasn't going to get back up again. I ordered my troops to do the same and then pile them up to torch them. King G'afssa was keeping them alive and as long as the body wasn't to damaged this war would never end for us.

“Now I need to make sure that everyone is ok.” I turned and left Celestia after telling her everything. I passed by everyone else with looks of shock and horror on their faces, Pinkie just stared at the floor. Without another word I left and made way for the court yard where everyone from Ponyville took refuge at. None of them were hurt but losing your home was always painful. I watched from a little distance away at the sad and worried faces. That's when I noticed the three fillies huddled in a corner and I went to them.

“Are you ok girls?” I knelt down in front of them with a sad smile. They were here alone because Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash were needed elsewhere, no one knew where Big Mac and Granny Smith where.

“Just trying to sleep...” Sweetie Belle said and sniffed, I noticed she had been crying and so had Applebloom. Scottaloo was trying not to but she was on the verge of breaking down. I took off the large coat I had been wearing, I never noticed it had been draped across my shoulders, and wrapped the crusaders in it.

~Come stop your crying

It will be alright

Just take my hand

Hold it tight

I will protect you

From all around you

I will be here

Don't you cry

For one so small,

You seem so strong

My arms will hold you,

Keep you safe and warm

This bond between us

Can't be broken

I will be here

Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart

Yes, you'll be in my heart

From this day on

Now and forever more~

They finally fell asleep and so had a lot of the others listening to me sing. Nearly everyone stopped and watched me sing to the three fillies until they went to sleep. The magic dome above that kept out the snow amplified my voice and calmed a lot of worried souls. I stood up and walked away as it became hard to see. I stopped at the walk way out of the court yard and used my finger to wipe away something on my face. It was tear and it clung onto the tip of my finger before I watched it splash on the ground.

“What was it he said... real men don't cry...” I started walking again and went up to the second floor to an empty room that I made my little hide out. Inside the room was a small stool I sat on and a candle on the floor that cast a dim light. The Blackhead sat in a corner in a puddle of liquid but it was to dark to see what it was. I sat on the stool looking at my hands hanging down in between my legs. I sat there for some time in complete silence.

“You should try this cake, I made it with triple sugar.” Pinkie Pie, coming out of nowhere, bounced up and down on her tail with a plate of cake in front of me but I didn't move or do anything. She stopped bouncing and looked me over.

“Hey come here real quick.” she went to the door and opened it, waiting for me. I slowly stood up and followed her but she just went right out the door and to the ledge. She waited for me to come up next to her and pointed down at the court yard. There I saw Applebloom clinging onto Big Mac while sobbing, Granny Smith held the other two to comfort them.

“You did that. If it wasn't for you who knows how many of them would have escaped. I know what we saw in the cave was... but that’s over you don't have to be sad anymore.” as Pinkie spoke I watch the five stay together and kept them selves warm.

“I'm not sad... I'm angry. Not only is he keeping them alive through the pain of death but his controlling them. There is only a handful of soldiers that are actually fighting for him and not against their will...” I hadn't noticed I was holding onto the railing real tight that my hands stuck to them a little as I pulled them away.

“Then you know what we need to do.” with that said Pinkie left me alone as I stared down at the Apples, Sweetie, and Scottaloo. The way all five of them were close together and... smiling.

“Once this winters done I do...” I watched them still but then something happened. I smiled because I did do that, I saved them in time and now they were all together safe. Slowly the color came back to my skin and my hair started to curl again. The belt I wore snapped off as I went from a 20 to my normal 40. I wasn't that sad, mad, little man anymore. Again, I was the guy who was going to pound a gay King's ass (not like that). I was the guy who planned on winning this war.

There's a surprise adoption

The sun shined down harshly in the middle of the sky with out a single cloud. An ocean of sand spewed out in all directions as hills and valleys. The heat was nearly unbearable and not a single breeze was flowing. It was a perfect day to die.

“Men we have fought against impossible odds, stared down the throat of horrendous monsters, and slaughtered countless enemies. And now...” I paused as I looked at the approaching army in front of us. The two armies were separated by about a football field and a half of scorching sand. I turned back to face my troops.

“And now we're going to do it again. But after today none would dare challenge us. We will live forever in history as the greatest army ever known!” a deafening roar was cried from my troops on the front line. The rest of the army stood behind us because we would be the first to charge. I turned once again to face the enemies in nothing but black shorts, my small pot belly hanging out proud covered with black curly hair just like the rest of my body.

“For those of us who live will have everything they desire and for those of us who die... WE SHALL DINE IN HELL!”

“NINETY NINE!” with a finally look back I nodded and took a deep breath.

“CHARGE!” with my mass of men we surged forward and the opposition did the same but the rest of our army stood back for now. I ran alone in the front until suddenly a hulking red dragon was next to me.

“Rathlos throw me!” I ordered and he nodded his head before picking me up and flinging me upward. I flew high and fast before finally stopping in air but before I started to fall back down a brilliant ray of light shot at me. I held my hands above my head as the light hit them and stayed there. The light started to solidify and took shape into a weapon that was a present from miss shinny butt her self, the Hammer of Dawn.

The Hammer of Dawn was a white gold, six foot long hammer. The head on one side was a battle hammer that glowed brightly and the other side was a battle axe shaped as a raising sun. I had it raised over my head as I started to fall down and towards the enemy line. While still in air I brought it over and shot it strait at them with the speed of light. It struck the ground and sent out a shock wave of searing light, then I landed next to it only a split second later. I grabbed the handle and flipped around, slamming it to the ground again and sending out another shock wave. My troops closed in and broke the front lines with ease since a majority of them were stunned or burnt.

Travis watched as we clashed and raised his arm to signal the army. The sun light skirted away from Travis as he wore his dark blue dragon scale like armor that had wisps of smoke raising from it and his sword too. Like me, Travis was given a weapon by Luna. The Shadow Stalker, a four foot long sword with teeth all along the blade that was pure black. Then he dropped his arm and the rest of the army charged but he stayed in place until they had had left.

“Ah'll be right back.” he said to no one in particular and turned around, walking off. The rest of the army joined us in the battle, the final battle.

~Stop! Hammer time!~

I stood in front of five soldiers with confused faces as my back up dancers started again. The music resumed and so did the dancing but I swung my hammer and took them all out at once. It was a once in a life time opportunity. I continued smashing and slashing through hordes of soldiers, making sure they didn’t get back up. Then the sky darkened and I looked up to see a swarm of Pegasus closing in.

“I think they need to be about twenty percent more dead.” I took out a canister and pointed it upward while pulling a string attached to the bottom. With a blast it shot out a flurry of sparks that shot up into the sky and exploded below the approaching swarm.

I lied when I said there wasn't any clouds in the sky. A massive cloud hidden by magic loomed above even higher then the mass of enemy Pegasus. When the signal was sent our own mass of Pegasus launched from the cloud but upward. Then they held their position as a lone streak of rainbow shot down at full speed. Moments later there was a thunderous clap in the air and an explosion as Rainbow Dash performed a Sonic Rainboom in the middle of the enemy Pegasus. The shock wave scattered most of them and the rest of our Pegasus came swooping down to get the rest. We now had a battle in the sky and the ground.

I crushed a soldier, smudged him into the ground as I watched him completely die but then I looked up and noticed a line of soldiers in front of me. I had a witty comment prepared for this moment but it was taken away from me by the blaring of a Win Dixie horn and the screaming of-

“Leeeeeeeeeroooooooooy Jeeeeeeenkiiiiiiiins!” suddenly Travis's Shitty Chitty Bang Bang slammed on top of several of the soldiers in front of me and then rammed into the rest. I watched as he drove away, running over more and more enemies as Luna stood in the bed using her magic to fire a cross bow. That bastard, those were my kills.

Now nearly an hour into the battle things where getting heavy.

“What are you at Rathlos?” I called out over the chaos as I saw him wielding two battle axes and tearing through a large group of enemies.

“176 sir!” he replied after decapitating a minotaur.

“305, you better work harder!” I laughed as he smirked and redoubled his efforts. He was most likely going to catch up soon since most of the enemy soldiers started to flee when I got near, making me work for them. After awhile it got annoying having to chase them down but after catching my current victim I felt something... gay.

“It's been awhile.” I slowly turned to see King G'afssa undressing and killing me with his cold eyes. He worn no armor or had no weapon and yet stood out here in the middle of the battle. Then suddenly one of our soldiers rushed him from behind but he didn't move. With a flash of his horn the soldier exploded into a cloud of red mist.

“And that’s why we could never have anything together.” I rushed him myself but he moved this time as he turned and ran from me. I weaved in and out of soldiers as he seemed to slip through everything and one. I lost sight of him as Travis drove by in front of me, sending bodies into the air or crushing them underneath. After that is when I saw him standing alone ahead of me.

“It's a trap.” I said to myself as I ran at full speed while readying my hammer. The entire time he stood there with bedroom eyes as I bared down on him. Then that’s when it happened. I was feet away from him and about to bring the hammer down when he was gone and a suddenly explosion from the ground reviled two ponies manning a cannon. Then there was a deafening boom. I stood there for a second before slamming down the hammer on the two ponies.

“Interesting...” I mumbled to my self as I stepped away to fight more. I smashed and slashed a few more enemies before I noticed I was surrounded by a large group. With a look around a blew air out my nose as directed my sight upward. Seeing pass the clashing, swarming Pegasus I could see the sky. It was bright blue and calm.

“Really interesting...” as the enemy closed on my I brought up my hammer and tossed it into the air. Instead of falling back down it shot up and glowed brightly. At about twenty feet in the air it erupted into a fountain of light that blazed back down to the ground and shot out in all directions.

“Meason! Meason!' I slowly opened my eyes to see Twilight over me in panic. I said something, not quite sure what, ending it with a laugh so she would know it was a joke but it did nothing to calm her down. Then I realized something else.

We where back at the beginning of this whole crazy story. You know the story where two best friends get sent to the place of their dreams. Only one problem though... I thought the hero never dies. Now with the hole in my stomach from the cannon said differently.

“Listen Twilight... there’s nothing you can do here. They need your help elsewhere.” I watched the tears well up in her eyes as she tried to argue with me.

“Go... I'll be alright. You know me... I'm the tough one.” I gently pushed her away as a tear fell from her face onto my slightly parched bottom lip. She left my field of sight which itself was shrinking. Soon I didn't hear anything.

“I hear hell is nice this time of year.” a loud bang sounded but this was different as confetti rain down all around. The war stopped for a moment as everyone gathered around clapping and cheering.

“And that ladies and gentlemen is Meason's one hundred use of the word hell!” Pinkie Pie bounced out of nowhere with a large trophy as I stood up and dusted my self off. Everyone surrounded me as I was handed the Word Award.

“First of all I would like to thank all of you asshole, truly, with out you I would have no reason to speak and wold never get to a hundred.” there was more applaud before I continued but before I could speak Pinkie Pie poked her head out the hole in my stomach with another explosion of confetti.

“Pinkie get out of there or you’ll stretch me out.”

“That’s what she said!” Travis quickly quipped and more confetti rained down again.

“Ladies and gentlemen that was Travis's one hundred use of 'that's what she said'.” more cheering went on as he was handed his trophy.

“All people back in places!” Michael Bay called out and everyone went back to their positions. I went back to the scorched ground I was laying at from the blast from the Hammer of Dawn.

“Let's see I finished with...”

“Action!”

Travis slammed his foot into the gas peddle as a large minotaur was in his path of destruction. He plowed into it and it went under the tires with crushing and gurgling sounds. that’s when Travis saw it. A large catapult being loaded and moments later firing. Suddenly the impact area of what was thrown exploded behind the Celestian army lines, they were firing bombs. Travis jerked the wheel and headed strait for the war machine. Up ahead to the right he saw a small clearing with scorch marks. He could see a purple unicorn running from something in the middle. Then he saw it, a small, hairy pot belly.

“Honey in front of us!” Luna called from the back of the truck and Travis snapped forward to see King G'afssa standing near the catapult. With a new found rage Travis slammed his foot down again. The engine roared as he topped a hundred, aiming Shitty strait at the king. Time then slowed down.

The king faced down the Mane Six, Shining Armour, and Princess Celestia. What was being said was lost (just like in every time slowed down scene except the slow deep voices). Travis's truck closed in on the king and the rest watched with wide eyes but before he hit everything stopped. The allies had mixed expressions of shock and horror as Travis closed in. the King had a smug smile as he looked at them through half closed eyes. Luna had just jumped out the back when Travis pushed even harder on the gas. Travis had a face of pure two chin rage as he grasped the steering wheel tightly before impact. The time resumed.

The truck exploded with a massive boom, sending the truck over head in a series of flips. It landed behind the allies upside sown in another explosion. The flames from the initial explosion snaked around the king as he laughed. Luna gently flew down with Travis, teleporting him out just in time.

“Do you really think you could kill me with a bucket of rust?” he laughed again as they all stared him down. that’s when the all attacked. Magic, arrows, swords, and a cake with a fuse was shot at him. With the king still laughing everything was deflected from him, the cake hitting the catapult with another explosion. It crashed to the floor sending pieces and bombs off in all directions.

“First I will kill all but you Celestia and while you are tied down at the foot of my throne, you will watch as I destroy your kingdom and the land.” King G'afssa gloated in victory. Travis was the first to charge with his sword ready to plunge into the king's black heart. With a flash he was thrown back to the group as the king chuckled. Then Rainbow Dash charged, then Applejack followed by Shining Armour. Each was thrown back but kept getting back up and charging until they were to tired to move.

The entire time they charged at the king the rest noticed something in the background. Someone was slowly approaching them. The combatants around ignored the being as they stumbled forward then stopping to stoop out of sight for a second before continuing. As Travis and the others couldn't charge anymore the being was very close.

“Time to die.” before King G'afssa could do anything there was a hissing noise from behind him. Annoyed he spun around but wasn't fast enough as a hand grabbed his horn and a knee slammed into his jaw. Meason sat on top of the king's chest and everyone saw where the hissing came from. A small wooden barrel was lodged into the hole in his stomach with a very short fuse that was winding down fast. Meason grabbed the king's head and held him close.

“SEE YOU IN HELL!”

“ONE HUNDRED AND ONE!”

BOOM

This is the fun part

“Clear!”

THUMP.

…

THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, Thump, thump.

Mixed noises filled my ears and a violent coughing fit shook me back to reality. Water sprayed out my mouth as my eyes opened slowly and light blinded me.

“Sir! Are you with me? You’ve been in an accident, do you understand?” Slowly fuzzy shapes and figures came into focus. An EMT leaned into my field of sight.

“You're going to be fine sir.” I felt hands on my frozen flesh and a sudden weightless feeling as I was lifted off the ground. People and background swarmed in and out my vision as I tired to figure out what had happened.

An accident?

Raising water and an upside down cab flashed in my head as I realized what was going on.

Thump, thump, thUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP.

“Sir I need you to calm down!' An EMT said somewhere in the distance as I tried sitting up as hands firmly pressed down on me.

Little talking ponies, cake, Pony-Gra, war, cake!

Travis.

I looked around as I was rolled on a gurney to find my best friend while a mask with flowing oxygen was placed on my face. Bodies obstructed my view but before I was placed in an ambulance I got a glimpse past them. A stocky cop pulled up a zipper on a black bag on another gurney as I was loaded up and the doors closed.

He was gone... and none of that had ever happened. I closed my eyes as a loud knock sounded on the doors to the ambulance.

“Sir I need you to stay awake so you can answer some questions for me.” I opened my eyes again to see the stocky cop sitting next to me. He had a white handle bar mustache but didn't look older then thirty. Dirty tan skin and beady little red and yellow eyes.

Couldn't this wait?

“If a man rode into town on a horse on Friday and left three days later on Friday how did he do it?” the cop looked down at me with a serious face as if the question would decided my fate.

“... the horses name is Friday...” I managed to say as the cops eyes got wide. Then he started to laugh uncountably and holding his stomach as it started to unravel. Soon the cop turned into one long strip that swelled up while the inside of the ambulance melted away.

“Correct!” finally the swollen strip took form and Discord sat by me. He wiped a tear away from his eye as he looked down at me.

“Well aren’t you going to get up? We have a funeral to get to.” he slipped away from me as I looked around confused. I was laying in a bed with white comforters and blankets. I pulled them back to find my self dressed in white PJ's. Everything around was nothing but a plain of solid white until Discord popped up again waving me over. I slowly walked to him as he leaned over a ledge looking at something below.

Now I knew. I knew that no one saw me and King G'afssa die because Shining Armour throw up a solid shield that no one could see past. With the Kings death the war ended. Like I said before no one knew how powerful he was. No one knew that he had enslaved the minds of every pony in the entire kingdom of Saddle Arabia. So when he died the awoke from a never ending nightmare and the should-be-dead could finally rest.

The king was tossed into a pit in the middle of nowhere and the all the other dead was given a proper burial. I was buried with honers. So now Discord and me looked down from our little piece of heaven.

Below was a cold, gray, and rainy day, my grandma did say the angles cried when someone they love died. We were looking down at Canterlot, in the gardens. A mass of ponies gathered around a casket set high on wood, closed of course. Near my body stood Celestia and Travis with the Six close by. Black veils were worn by mares, black bow ties by stallions, and Travis in a bright green dress (from the agreement he never knew we had IRL).

“Before we continue, the finally wish of the departed shall be carried out.” a light blue stallion that was organizing the funeral spoke out. Afterwords a light brown unicorn stepped out, he had curly dark brown hair and brown eyes that set behind rectangular glasses. His cutie mark was hidden underneath a black suit.

A band set up behind him as he walked up to a mic on his hind legs, grabbing the stand and bringing it close.

After the song a majority of the crowd was in tears if they hadn't been already. Through running eyes Celestia nodded at Travis. He stepped up in front of the crowd and cleared his throat.

“Meason was... a fat asshole who always got on my nerves and caused problems.” a crack of thunder interrupted him before he could go on.

“... But he was my best friend. He was the one every day that would be their to make me smile and help me out with anything. I... I really don’t know what else to say but... you asshole. You had to leave me by myself.” he stared at the ground and couldn't go on any more. He stepped back and turned to the casket where my body (halves) laid. Then Celestia turned to the casket with her horn glowing. The wood underneath my coffin suddenly burst into golden flames even though the wood was soaked. All eyes watched as the flames crept up and licked the box until soon it was eating everything away.

“Come on Meason lets go get a drink.” Discord pulled me away and we headed into the light plain.

-one year later-

The Princess and Travis sat in the garden enjoying a light picnic. Today was the one year anniversary of my death and later on that day they were going to visit my memorial but I had other plans for them.

“Luna, can't you two wait for tonight?” the two looked up at Celestia with their limbs tangled together. They giggled nervously as they separated and stood up but suddenly were rocked off their feet. A thunderous clap sounded in the air.

“What was that?” Luna said as she helped Travis.

“It sounded like 'Burrito' in the ancient language of Pedobear.” Travis said as he looked around. Then in front of them the fabric of reality tore open and blinding light shone through.

“Damn it Travis, you're late again.” I said as I shuffled the deck of cards. I sat at the poker table with Discord to my left and Sombra to my right. The three stared in shocked as I looked at Travis annoyed. I motioned for him to hurry up and he finally moved.

“But...” he stepped into the rift and before the princess could follow it snapped closed. Travis took the set across from me as the cards were dealt out. He looked at the two with me then at the middle of the table where a folded piece of paper was placed.

“My, my, so how have you been two chin?” Discord said as he peaked at his two cards. Sombra let out a chuckle as I set down three cards. An ace, a two, and a king.

“Meason what's going on?” Travis said as he looked at his two cards.

“A game.” I spoke as I looked at my hand. Sombra let out a grunt and I set down another card, another king.

“Damn just so impatient.” I said with a sigh. Discord nodded and I sat down another card, another ace.

“Oh dear.” Discord said as he folded. Now it was between the rest of us.

“Ok lets see 'em” Sombra smiled as he flipped his cards, two two's. He let out a smirk but his face fell as Travis turned his over, two kings. I smiled as they looked at me.

“I fold.” I scooted back and stood up.

“Time to go.” I picked up the folded piece of paper and walked to the other side to Travis.

“I'm think that's not how the game goes but whats the point in making sense.” Discord said as Sombra flipped over my cards.

“See you later ass hat.” I pulled Travis up from the chair and shoved the paper in his hand.

“You take care of your self.” I patted his shoulder and punched him in the face. He fell back and it the ground hard.

“Dear are you ok?!” Luna rushed over to Travis who was suddenly back. He looked around confused with a hurt nose but then he looked at his hand with the paper. He opened it up and in big, black, block letters it read one word.

ONE.

Sombra growled at me as he looked at my cards, two aces. I shrugged my shoulders and walked away from the two.

-next day-

“Are you sure love?” Luna asked Travis as her sister and the six gathered around in Ponyville. He nodded and raised the paper into the air. It was pulled away into the air and made it's way up higher and higher until it was out of sight. They all waited and waited... and waited.

“I'm sorry love.” Luna nuzzled Travis as his shoulders fell.

“So top or bottom?” Discord asked me as I laid back away from him.

“Well...” I stopped as I felt a tugging sensation.

“Well it looks like that’s a question for another time. I'll see you guys later.” I stood up and walked over to the end of white that showed the land below. I swan dived off the ledge and fell.

“REEEEEESPA-PA-PA-PA-PAWN!” I shot down to the invisible barrier that separated the High Land.

You will travel far, my little Kal-EL-

“Wrong franchise!” I shouted out as I was about to hit the barrier.

The sky shook when suddenly there was a loud clap and an explosion of blue that faded into silver.

Rainbow eat your heart out.

The ground was closing in fast and I realized I didn't know how to fly. I impacted with the ground so hard I created a small explosion of dirt and stone in the middle of town. They ran over to the hole as I started to climb out.

“Meason!” Travis ran up to me with a huge grin and his arms out stretch. As fast as lightning I slapped him upside the head.

“You idiot! You were suppose to go home with that.” he stopped with his head cocked sideways. Everyone gathered around me happy and smiling that I was back.

“So who missed me the most?” I said as we walked away. I put my arm on Travis shoulder as we walked and he shook his head, both of us grinning.

-Five years later-

“So Meason we need to talk.” Twilight sat me down on the couch in the library as the rest of the six gathered around.

“Now we know you are Celestia's mate.” I snickered at that for reasons unknown.

“But she had said she will allow one of us to be with you too.” I was still grinning but then it slowly faded away as I realized what was going on.

“Now let me state why you should chose me-”

“Wait a minute who said he was choosing you egg head?” Rainbow Dash interrupted Twilight. Soon all six were arguing loud and never notice me slip around them and out the door. I walked away quickly while looking over my shoulder, not noticing the mass in front of me. I ran head long into something and was knocked down to the floor. I looked up to see a mint green mare.

“L-lyra?!” she stood in front of me with a soft smile on her face, a face I hadn't seen in about six years or so. I stood up and dusted my self off.

“Where have you been?” she giggled and shrugged.

“That's not important but I want you to meet someone.” she stepped aside to reveal a small mint green colt with curly light blue hair with brown stripes, a large grin on his face.

“oh he has your insane eyes.” I looked between the two as she got closer.

“And his father eyes.” my mind stopped working as I looked back at the colt. Big brown eyes.

“Oh fuc-”

“Daddy!” I slowly stepped back as he approached me.

“Daddy!” I then stopped and took a deep breath, doing the responsible thing as a father. I leaped over him and tore the hell out of there. Soon I was being chased down by the colt with Lyra close behind.

So this ends this epic journey...

Or does it?