Fallout Equestria: Burning Serpents

by goddamnAnimalPlanet

Rating: teen
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Other, Changelings, Original Character, Comedy, Adventure, Crossover
Length: 2702

After a trainjob gone wrong an old crazy pony heads into the wild badlands seeking adventure and excitiment 50 years after the original story.

What do you know of legends?
Ever heard the one about a deranged old pony who almost gets murdered in the middle of desert? The one who gets involved in drug and booze filled misadventures for little to no reason?
Heard the one about the massive city of the future?
Or the wild wind swept landscaped populated by colorful gangs of outlaws and gunslingers who'd kill ya as soon as look at ya?
Or even the things so old they no longer have names?
Well in that case, listen up! I got a story to tell ya.

Published 2013-07-14 23:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-14 23:00:01 UTC

The Great Train Robbery: A Prologue

FalloutEquestria:BurningSerpents by GoddanmAnimalPlanet

The Great Train Robbery: A Prologue

Come sit here beside me and I will relate the tale of a cowboy and his terrible fate.

Let me ask you something, what do you know of legends?
You know, the ones you’re not for sure are real. Where mares defeat demons and gods with nothing but their wits. The ones with mischievous serpents that can change the world on a whim or magical jewels powered by the bonds made by friendship. Those kind of tales are the ones that stick with you, the ones too insane to be true but are too amazing not to believe.
Do I know any stories? Well of course I do! They’re full of adventure and all sorts of cool stuff! You wanna hear one? good! I got just the tale to entertain you rapscallions.
Anyway where do I begin?

…............................................................
A raging beast of metal and wood screamed into my ears. I’ve read in a book once that such a gizmo was called a train. It rumbled and grumbled across the desert kicking up all kinds of dirt and shit.
I galloped across its battered hide, cackling like a fool. I had on all sorts of chains and jewelry, plus a really neat looking crown. Spoils from when I blasted my way into the monstrosity. I came aboard thinking I was going to fight soldiers or cyborg ninjas but instead the place was full of a bunch of shiny crap. But hey, beggars can’t be choosers, So I filled my saddlebags full of the trinkets and blew the rest of it up. Cuz I thought it would be funny. And I was right.

I heard a series of large thuds sounding behind me. What the fuck was that?

I turned around so quickly that a heavy medallion made a loopty loop into my face.

Standing there behind the burning inferno were four bald-headed buffalo in bright orange robes doing silly ass poses. Wind was blowing through their hair making them look all dramatic and shit. Frankly, I think they look like a bunch of clowns only less funny

“ Who the fu-mnph! are you?” I tried to sound badass but the damn wind blew my big ass beard into my mouth causing me to stutter. stupid wind ruining the moment. Don’t worry I will get my revenge on it later.

“ Return the items you have stolen and we promise no harm will come to you.” Said the one in the middle in a borish monotone.

A large grin formed on my face. these guys were all unarmed and I had a bunch of cool weapons like this grenade launching thingamajig.

“ If you want this shit so badly why don’t you try and take it from me” I yelled through the unending roar.

I got punched in the face.

the hoof squished into my face making the world go all topsy turvy. I tumbled and skidded across the top of the train car nearly falling off. I got up and steadied myself. I could feel the excitement and animosity coursing through my teeth.

“ YOU WANNA DANCE, CLOWN SHOES!? FINE, LETS FUCKING DANCE!”

I aimed my grenade launcher gizmo and bit down on the bridle

Fire filled my vision.

…......................................................................

I blew it up.

I opened my eyes only to see the big flaming pile that was a train. It looked like it went on a ride to smash mountain to fight a 100 foot tall robotic radscorpian and lost. It sure was pretty.

I didn’t realize how much umpf that grenade really had. Probably from all that zebrian taco spice I poured into it. Damn zebras and their confangled potions, I knew I should have never trusted that salespony.

I don’t remember much after I bit the bridle. I know it involved a lot of flying, cartwheels and smashing into shit. If I had to guestimate, I could say that explosion flung me about fifty feet. Pretty impressive right? and I did it without wings, so suck it pegasi.

I tried getting back on my hooves but I was all fucked up. My left foreleg was so broken it looked like a limp noodle and the rest of me felt as if I ran through a meat grinder. I gritted my teeth and slowly got up, I was not going let any namby pamby injuries or other kinds of fuckityupednes kick me in the flank!

I took a peek at my grenade launching thingy, it was smashed to smitheroons. All my other shit got scattered by that explosion luckily not too far off or apart. I threw off the garbage once known as my grenade launcher and limped to the spot where my shit lay in big pile. It was a nice fun stack with my saddlebag on top with all my other weapons underneath. guess today is my lucky day.

I lurched forward and coughed up a fuckton of blood. My head started to pound and I let out a small groan. Yeah, don’t worry I’m sure I’m fine. Besides I more important things to do like the levitation of my gear.

After I got everything situated, I turned to the vast expanse of the waste. Debris from the train lay farther out still laying on the soft desert sand which seemed to stretch out forever. The sky was a brilliant combination of reds and oranges of a sunset. the wind blew sending black clouds from the wreckage behind me. Blood slowly trickled through my vision down into my mighty beard.

Snapping out of my stupidity I began to move. Hobbling to that grand beautiful desert. Each step felt like an eternity and I could have sworn the ground shook with each hoof fall. Must be getting fat. A radio-speaker doohickey that was somehow still working(probably magic) sparked coming to life with a cheery, happy tune and began to sing.

You don’t play fair

You don’t play square

Yet somehow I really don’t care

I’d trot a country mile

if you’d be there.

The catchy tune caused me to quicken my limp. There is no way in Tartarus’ salty pudding snacks I was gonna let another song get stuck in my head I’d rather be thrown by two more exploding train than to let such mind-torture take place!

You tease and lie

You make me cry

Yet I run when

you wink your eye

I’D TROT THE COUNTRY MILE

if you’d be there.
Of course it was going to happen anyway. Songs that catchy don’t just go away. They stick around, live on your couch and eat all your food. This is all that salespony’s fault, if I never bought his confangled taco spice I would never of had the thought to pour it into my high explosives and use said high explosives to rob a train and then have catchy songs stuck in my head as I limped away from the rumble. When I find him I’m going to give him a good ass whoopin I tell you what.

I’d like to trade a little kiss
Even two for one
I’d play it for keeps
Or if you say
I’d even play it for fun
I finally limped my way out of the garbage with nothing but inhospitable wasteland as far as the eye could see. The stuff inside my ribs began to ache and I noticed my canteen was full of holes. I could have brought more supplies but you know what? fuck it. Besides, I’m pretty sure I could survive off of pure machismo anyway. That speakerphone was pretty loud and I could hear it deep into the desert making me wish it was not on repeat.

So tell me where

Or tell me when

You won’t have to tell me again

I’d trot a country mile

if you’d be there.

the desert around here was boring as shit. It makes me wish some kind of flying wizard would come around and make it rain chocolate or something. If that actually happens I hope there whip cream involved that would be really cool. The night, when it finally came was actually pretty nice, not even that chilly. makes me wish I wasn’t covered in boo boos so I could enjoy it. I wish I had a healing potion but even if I did, I don’t think a healing potion would be good to use with all my organs and bones all jumbled up. Maybe I could find a witchdoctor to use space magic to fix me.

The ground around me began to morph and grow. Everything was like silly putty, the ground, the sky, my face, my mind everything was spinning around. The spirits of the dead weren’t making a lick of sense, they were talking all sorts of mumbo jumbo. the cacti began to dance and a brahmin jumped into the moon.

I saw a big dumb star in the the distance on a hill ( What the hell was it doing on the ground?) I started to swim towards it. Who knows, it might lead to something interesting, like candy. Or drugs.

By the time I reached it though I was getting pretty sleepy and did feel like that time of the month for a nap. As I laid down to take my power snooze. that shining star began to play a rather annoying tune.

So tell me where

Or tell me when

You won’t have to tell me again

I’D TROT A COUNTRY MILE

if you’d be there...........
….... the fuck, seriously?
….............................................................................................................

Something was prodding my side.

Now that I think back I may or May not have passed out on top of a giant mutant fire-breathing sand gecko. Oh well, If I did sleep on top of some horrible abomination thats their problem. Its not my fault that they’re so damn comfy.

I punched the ground just incase I was sleeping on something that was getting ornery and let sleep take me once again.

The poking continued this time more violently. I did what every great napper would do and ignored it.

suddenly, something kicked me hard in the stomach. ( I can tell it was a kick because I’ve been kicked before.)

I raised my head in pure pissed offedness and yelled, “ Ow! Quit it, BungDumpster!”

I opened my eyes to properly glare at the offending waker-upper but instead caught an interesting sight. Standing before me was a goofy looking yellow stallion with a black mane wearing a nice white suit. standing behind him were four very familiar bald headed orange robed buffalo looking very much alive. The yellow one gave me a big creepy grin and spoke in a big creepy voice “Morning darlin.”

I knew exactly what was going on. A bunch of ghost were trying annoy the shit out of me again! I mean, how else can I explain the unexlpodedness of those buffalo guys if they were not apparitions of the desert sent here to haunt me for my misdeeds against them. I don’t know who the yellow pony is though........

“ Oh? All tuckered out from destroying my train I see.” The yellow pony said after a long minute of me staring bleary eyed at him. His smile grew as he gave me a once over. “ And you got such terrible looking wounds too.”

Oh I get it! He’s just some asshole who was on the train too. Although I could have sworn that big metal caterpillar was empty ( except for those four buffalo of course). He was probably hiding in a trashcan or something.

“ Fortunately for you, you managed save the the more precious items.” He lifted up my saddlebags with his weird ghost powers and pulled out one of the trinkets I stole, a medallion.

Now I don’t what ghost would do with that shiny crap. I for one was planning to launch it at mutant cats.

“Unfortunately for you, I’m still going to kill you buuuut I guess I could skimp out on the torture. I’m not really in the moo-”

Blah, blah, blah! I never thought a supernatural occurrence could be this boring. Most ghost who threaten me at least try to be more creative. like this one time this ghost threatened to take a dump in my toilet soul but I managed to confuse him back to death by telling him that I was already using it and that he had to go find another one. I’m pretty sure he was a ghost although at the time I had been eating nothing but hallucinogenic desert plants for a couple a days so MAYBE that might be a bad example.

My eyes started to become heavy as sleep began to take me Soon I was away from all this nonsense into realm of dreams once again. To be greeted by even more nonsense.

My dream was a very simple one. I was ankle deep in ice cream and all my friends were having a pie throwing contest with a giant brain wearing a gas mask.Yep, everything was just peachy keen.

I was walking down the ice cream trail singing that tune I heard earlier today. I heard a soft murmuring in my right ear, turning I saw one of those computer thingies floating bobbing up and down as if it were alive. As I trotted closer to it the murmuring became clearer and I started to make out words.

“ -she cried the most beautiful tears when I brought out the drill it was a shame that...” the computer suddenly became quiet when I finally reached it. “oh look, he seems to have passed out. Such a shame too, I was getting to the good part.”

The voice sounded kinda familiar too but I don’t think I really cared none. I was too busy shoveling ice cream into my mouth to really focus well on the subject at hoof.

there was strange clicking noise from the computer that reminded me of the sound of a pistol being cocked. “Hmmm. Well I guess I shouldn’t waste any more time. Adios, Amigo!

BANG!

BANG!

BANG!

BANG!

“ Well, that should do it. Gather up the gear, boys ,and lets ride out!”

There was some shuffle and then silence.

I stopped shoveling the frozen treat around my ankles into my mouth and waited. They usually played music after the radio dramas and frankly I could use some different songs to help purge the one I have in my head. nothing came out of it except a bunch of indecipherable noises.

I turned around and started walking into the sky “ that was weird” I said out loud.

maybe I should go have an adventure. I wonder what Space Captain Moonbutt is doing, adventures with her are always awesome.

As I reached the clouds that song came back to haunt me once again. “If you’d be there...” I couldn’t help but start singing. Dammit, Curse the music gods and their ability to make songs so catchy!

If you’d be there....

Footnote: level up!

New perk: Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door : Looks like yer dead feller! Because of your experience in being dead, you gain an extra 3 points to your endurance when health is at 30% or below to help you not die (again).

I would like to thank Kkat and everyone else who writes these things.

Author's Note

this prologue was a pain! I can't even remember how many times I rewrote it and because of that it came out a little.... weirder than I inticipated. Oh well, at least I managed to capture the essence of rambling mad man here, I think. Also, the opening quote is from "The Brave Cowboy" by Edward Abbey which is a purtty good book that people should read in my opinion oh and theres gonna be a shit ton of references in this deal so keep your eyes pealed :)
Anyway, if you can leave a comment and stuff that would be splendid. I'll be here working on the next one and making sure its more enjoyable.