Twilight's New Book

by Akasuna no Sasori

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Random
Length: 1498

Twilight gets a new dictionary! Will it turn out to be what she thinks it is?

Twilight gets a new dictionary that she had on order from a far away land. The new words inside will certainly educate her, but not in the way she thinks they will.

Also, there is a part in the story where an asterisk is used. DO NOT go to the bottom of the page. Just KEEP READING, you will get to the part involving the asterisk later.

Published 2013-07-07 05:10:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-07 05:10:03 UTC

It came! It finally came!

It was a warm, sunny day in Ponyville, and happiness was in the air.

The birds were chirping, and the sounds of ponies making deals in the marketplace could be heard. Also, the worried apologies of a certain purple mare.

“Excuse me! Sorry! Pardon me!”

Twilight ran through a group of ponies shopping, and accidentally knocked them all to the ground.

“Hey! Watch where you’re going!” Said one of the annoyed pony customers.

Twilight bit her lip, as she continued running to the bookstore. It wasn’t like her to ignore somepony she had intentionally wronged, but she couldn’t contain herself. The book she had on order for so long finally came!

She arrived at the bookstore and walked in. Aside from her library, this was one of her favorite places to be in Ponyville.

Shelves of books, much taller than the ones in her library, lined the walls up to the ceiling. Each one holding troves of knowledge yet to be uncovered.

Ignoring these literary treasures, Twilight approached the front desk where the clerk was working.

“Hello! I’m here to pick up my order.”

The clerk stopped what he was doing, and looked down at a list on the desk.

“Ah, you must be Twilight! You're the only pony who didn’t come in for their order today, yet!”

“That’s me! I’m just running a little late because the message just reached me a few minutes ago!”

“Well, here you go.” He said as he lugged a huge book onto the desk.

It looked fairly new, with no dust or scratches on the binding or cover. Nothing excited Twilight more than a new book.

Twilight put the book into her saddlebag and paid the clerk.

“Thank you! Come again!” He said, as he counted the bits.

Twilight ran out of the store, and trampled a yellow pony in the process!

“Oh, sorry Fluttershy!”

“I’m OK, Twilight. Oh, did you get a new book?” Fluttershy said as she brushed the dust off of herself.

“Yes! It’s a new dictionary that was printed in a faraway land! Its supposed to have all kinds of new words never before used by pony kind!”

“Oh, that sounds interesting, I guess.”

“Yes it most certainly does! So are you getting a new book today, too?”

“Yes, Angel wanted me to get the newest “Carrot Top’s Guide to Cooking with Vegetables.” I’ve already cooked everything in the older one I have, and my little bunny got bored with eating the same food over and over again.”

“That sounds great, Fluttershy, but I have to go now. Bye-Bye!”

“Bye, Twilight.”

Twilight continued running home; desperate to tear into her new book and learn every word it contained.

She wasn’t stopped by any more of her friends, so it only took her a couple of minutes to reach the Golden Oak Library. She practically tore down the door getting in.

“Jeez, Twilight! Don’t break the door! We can’t afford to pay for you breaking the door, AND Rainbow Dash breaking our windows!” Said an annoyed Spike as he got up from his nap to close the door behind Twilight.

“Sorry, Spike! I just really want to read this book before I get distracted by somepony, again.”

“Well, don’t count on me being that guy. I’m going back to bed.”

Twilight ignored the young dragon, and took a deep breath before putting the book on her desk. It was called, “The Call of Duty Dictionary”.

“I wonder what ‘Call of Duty’ is? It definitely sounds foreign!”

Upon opening the book and looking at the first page, Twilight was confused. The words and definitions didn’t seem to have an application in her or any pony's life at all!

“This doesn’t make any sense! When would somepony use these words?”

The first page looked like this:

360 No-Scope Noun, Verb. An action that involves quickly aiming down the scope, then exiting the view of the scope of a high-powered sniping rifle while spinning in a complete circle. *

Ass Noun. One of the most common insults on Call of Duty. Can be used in conjunction with other insults, but is most often used by itself. Can be turned into a compound insult by adding the suffix “-hole” or “-clown." Ex. “You asshole!”

Bitch Noun, Adjective. A staple insult used on Call of Duty. It refers to those who use “undesirable” weapons or tactics. Sometimes used to insult another player’s mother, or a female player. Commonly achieves synergy with the word “little”. Ex. “You little bitch, stop taking my care packages!”

Cock Noun. An insult that isn’t very flexible. Can be used by itself, but is most often used in conjunction with another word or phrase. Ex. “You suck cock!”

Cunt Noun. A common insult used by English players. Sometimes used by American players, but this is a rare occurrence. Often used by itself, but can be used effectively with a word in front of it such as “dirty”, “shitty”, or “fucking”, to name a few. Ex. “You dirty cunt, stop quickscoping me!”

Dick Noun, Adjective. A rarer word used by Call of Duty players. It is used sparingly to insult a traitor, or a friend who betrayed the player in real life. Rarely used to insult a random player online.

Douche Noun. The second most flexible insult used by Call of Duty players next to “fuck”. Can be turned into a compound insult with several suffixes, the most common being: “-bag”, “-canoe”, and “-bucket”.

Fag Noun, Adjective. The most frequently used word on Call of Duty. It’s original meaning was changed to mean any player that deserves an insult for any reason. Because of this, it is quite flexible. Strangely, it is also used to define any player who is talented at the game when combined with the word “hacker”. Ex. “You fucking hacker fag! You can’t play this game without skill!”

Fuck Noun, Adjective, Verb. Used to express anger, or in conjunction with other insults in the present tense. Can also be combined with the prefix “mother-” to create a versatile insult that has nothing to do with a boy having sexual intercourse with his mother. Exs. “Fucking retard” and “You motherfucker! You stole my kill!”

Shit Noun, Adjective, Adverb. Used as an adverb insult in rare cases, but it MUST have the “-tily” suffix when used in such a way. Most common uses are to describe a player’s skill, or when discussing the quality of a weapon or it’s attachments. Exs. “That guy played shittily back there.”, “The Ak47 is shit unless it has the red square sight.”

Whore Noun. The rarest insult heard on Call of Duty. It is most often used to insult a player’s mother or sister, or a female gamer. Can also be used to insult a clan leader who recruits random players into the clan.

*:This is a topic of great argument amongst the Call of Duty players. They’re split into two groups, one believing the act is only committed by “fags”, “douches”, and “assholes.” The others believe it is a feat of great skill. An ongoing study is attempting to determine the validity of these claims.

Twilight finished reading this first page, then turned the page but was shocked to see nothing there!

“This must be a mistake, no book has one page that has writing on it, and hundreds that don’t, do they?”

She turned the pages over and over again, only to see they were just like the second one: blank. Eventually, her tears began to stain the blank pages.

“How could somepony do this to a book? Only write on one page and keep the others sad and bare?” She cried.

Finally, she turned to the last page and was met with some writing:

Ha! If you’re reading this, then you were stupid enough to read all the way through a blank book! Dumbass fag!

xXxLe3TxN0x5cOp3rxXx

Twilight looked up from the book; tears still in her eyes. Only now, she was full of rage instead of sadness.

“Whoever these ponies are, they sure are dumbasses!”

She closed the book and walked upstairs to where Spike was sleeping.

“Spike! Wake up!” She said, as she proceeded to shake the young dragon.

Spike slowly stood up; rubbing his eyes.

“Huh? What is it, Twilight?”

“Throw this book in with the other seditious material; and remind me to invite Fluttershy to the weekly book burning. Ask her if she wants to bring her old cooking book. The bigger the fire,”

She looked at the book in her hand.

“The better.”

Twilight gave Spike the book, and slunk off to bed.

“This one really got to her. It must be awful, for her to be glad it’s going to go up in flames!”

Spike shrugged his shoulders and threw the book down to the first floor in the pile of hundreds of other books that didn’t gain the Twilight Seal of Approval, then went back to sleep.