A Chicken With Its Head Cut Off

“So, whatya say?” Caramel asked, smiling down at Applejack. The earth pony had come over to Sweet Apple Acres to take part in the most risky of situations a single male can put himself in: asking a female out on a date.

Caramel wasn’t one to come to such a risky endeavor unprepared, of course; he had gathered flowers from his friend Roseluck, some candies from his friend Bon Bon, and fitted himself with a nice sports coat from his friend Rarity. For a supposedly straight stallion, Caramel had a lot of females for friends.

Dousing himself with enough cologne so that he became the first object that could be smelled from space, Caramel gathered up the items he had acquired from his friends and set off to Applejack’s property. After being stopped by a shot gun wielding Big Mac, and explaining that he wasn’t going to put a seed in his sister’s belly (yet), he went on to find Applejack in the middle of the yard, and asked her out.

Applejack looked at the potential suitor for a long moment, then sighed. “Ah really appreciate the offer, Caramel, Ah really do, but there’s a reason why I haven’t already chosen a special somepony.”

“It’s because you’re with your brother, isn’t it?” Caramel graoned. “I tried to ignore the stereotype, but I guess there’s a reason the stereotype exists. Somepony’s got to prove it sooner or later, and—”

“Ah’m not with my brother,” Applejack reassured.

“Little sister?”

“Nope.”

“Grandmother?”

“Ew... no.”

“Parents?”

“My parents are dead.”

Caramel and Applejack fell into an awkward silence. Shit, I brought up dead parents! Caramel thought to himself frantically. Dead ponies are a bonerkill! Gotta find a way to get off of this awkward topic.

“I don’t have any genital diseases,” Caramel bragged. Nailed it!

“Um, that’s good for you, Ah suppose,” Applejack said, putting on an odd expression.

“So, will you consider it now?” Caramel asked, waggling his eyebrows.

“No. And before we got on another tangent about southern stereotypes, let me tell you why Ah don’t have a special somepony.”

Caramel rolled his eyes. “I’m listening...”

Applejack took a big breath. “Ah’ve never been good with words... Ah need something that I could compare this situation to...”

At that moment, a headless chicken wobbled its way into the yard next to them. Both Caramel and Applejack watched as it stumbled, unable to see where it was going, into a barrel. It fell onto its feathery rump, then flopped away, over a shovel and out of sight. While this was an amusing show for Caramel, it ended up being the burst of inspiration Applejack needed.

“See, Caramel, my love is like that chicken,” Applejack told him. “Ah’m a hardworking, honest pony, just like everypony else in my family and places beyond, but Ah’m not too faithful in the ways of love.” She snorted, smiling a bit. “You want faithfulness? Get a dog.”

As if on cue, Winona bounced into the farmyard, and began to hump Applejack’s backleg. “Woah! Down, girl.”

Caramel cocked his head. “In all the time I’ve know you, you’ve always been there for your friends when you could, and you’ve been a great pony in general. I’m not buying this ‘unfaithfulness in love’ act. There’s got to be another reason you’re not going out with me. Is it my breath?” The pony leaned over and exhaled on Applejack’s face.

“Mmm, minty,” Applejack mused. The wind, however, changed direction at that moment, and the unsuspecting farm pony got a full blast of Caramel cologne overdose. Her mane fell limp, a shiver was sent through her body, breathing became difficult, and a nearby bush withered and died.

Ah, all the signs of falling in love, Caramel thought smugly.

“Woo there, did Rarity accidentally dump ever single bottle of perfume she has on you by accident?” Applejack said, blanching. Caramel frowned.

“Anyway, Ah’m telling you, love is different for me,” she insisted, once she was able to breath again. “It’s like that chicken without the head. It wobbles around blindly with one pony, but then smacks into the barrel of another one, and flops away to yet another one after passing over a shovel with way too much cologne on, and is eventually scooped up and taken to the kitchen.”

Caramel stared at Applejack, unblinking.

“The shovel is you, in this case,” Applejack supplied helpfully.

“I know what the— wait, you eat meat?” Caramel asked, giving Applejack a suspicious look.

Applejack began to sweat. “Um... well, it’s a bit of a complicated... I mean, we don’t not eat it and... you really shouldn’t snoop in other ponies’ business, it’s not somethin’ for you to... don’t you need a permit for that sorta thing? We ain’t doin’ anythin’ against the law or nothin’, and well...” Suddenly, she pointed behind Caramel. “Look, a distraction!”

“A distraction? Where?” Caramel asked, looking behind him. Applejack whacked him over the head with the shovel that had been laying in the dirt while he his back was turned, looking for the unknown distraction.

Dragging the unconscious stallion towards the kitchen, Applejack called out to her family. “Alright, we’re gonna have a mighty big dinner tonight, so I hope y’all are hungry!”

Apple Bloom bounced out of the orchard, and poked the unconscious stallion in his belly. “Oh boy, he’s nice and tender too!”

“Let me git on my meat-eatin’ teeth!” Granny Smith exclaimed, feebly reaching over to a pair of dentures that had been fitted with the teeth of a great white shark.

“Big Mac, you’ll be preparin’ the southern special, right?” Applejack said, using the correct name of the dish to refer to Caramel.

The big red stallion that was Big Mac held up a bottle of hot sauce and a bone saw. “Eeyup.”

Hey, some stereotypes do exist for a reason.

Author's Note