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Twilight Sparkle was having a bad day.
The purple unicorn pushed a single lock of mane out of her face, thinking furiously.
Okay, Twilight – I’m certain that there’s a rational explanation for this. You just have to think. What. Went. Wrong?
She strapped the subject down to the steel examination table with her magic a little tighter, seeing that it was attempting to escape. It was definitely one of the… stranger creatures she’d ever seen. Lying on the examination table, she gauged that it was nearly six feet tall in length… er, height, if it managed to stand. It’s pea green eyes rolled about wildly, and it screamed some kind of alien language at her. If she didn’t know any better, she’d have said it was afraid, or something.
“It’s… it’s okay, I’m not going to hurt you…” Twilight said soothingly, doing her best to imitate Fluttershy. Say what you would about the mare; she might not have quite the knack for science as much as Twilight did, but she was better than anypony else at calming down animals. And this pale… thing was some kind of mammal, as well. Barely any fur on it at all, aside from a patch of wavy black mane atop it’s oddly shaped head. It didn’t seem to understand her, unfortunately. She made sure that the metal bands keeping the flailing beast in check hadn’t faltered, and made a couple more notes on the clipboard she kept on the workbench nearby.
After a while of shouting, it finally started to peter out… at least, until something in its voice shifted slightly. It caught her attention when it did so, almost imperceptible unless you were listening closely.
Which she was, of course; she had to be if she was going to write down everything it said for some form of reference. With luck, she might eventually decode its language and make some successful attempt to communicate peacefully. The thing’s voice changed mid-sentence, suddenly breaking into plain Equish.
“ - before I fuck you with a crowbar!”
“… If I could ask you to say that, one more time.” Twilight stated in mild shock, holding her clipboard tightly herself as if it could act as a shield.
“BETRAYAL! HE BETRAYED ME!”
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Hours earlier…
Noah Antwiler was having a bad day.
Noah dragged his feet wearily, reaching into his jeans for his keys. The couple of metal prongs jabbed coldly against his fingers as he fumbled for them in the dark, simultaneously reaching out for his front door.
Miles didn’t even leave the porch light on for me… fucker. He thought tiredly, pushing the door inwards after hearing the familiar click! of the lock. It was much colder than it usually was in Arizona, night time or not; from the feel of it, the temperature must have dropped about an extra twenty degrees or so. Noah latched the door behind him, groggily wiping his feet on the doormat as he latched the heavy door behind him and relocked the door.
His brother, Miles Antwiler, didn’t seem to be home.
Must be on duty… or summat… fuck, I dunno. He though blearily as he rubbed his eyes, dropping his keys on the table. Miles was occasionally called out at odd hours, being a police officer – which was unfortunate, because Noah was really looking forward to some kind of Welcome Back, Have Some Booze party when he finally got back from Finland. He dragged his feet toward the living room, struggling with the jet lag.
“Oreo! C’mon, ya’ lil’ fucker. Ain’t anybody gonna welcome me home?” he whistled for his small dog. Strangely, the jingle jangle of Oreo’s collar that he’d become so accustomed to didn’t ring about the house. A low sense of dread suddenly welled up within him. Noah felt about the room for the light switch, reassuring himself that the dog was probably just asleep or something. Hell, he wished he were asleep right now. Oreo was just… outside, or something.
Yeah, right. I’ll be damned if Miles let something happen to my dog…
“Here, let me get that for you.” a nasally voice filtered out through the dark as the light switch was thrown.
“Oh. Thanks, Doctor Insano.”
“You’re welcome.”
“AAAAAAGH!”
Noah leapt back, tripping over his own feet in surprise. He landed with a dull thunk against the carpeted floor as he skidded backwards in shock, reaching for some kind of weapon. His brother always kept a loaded gun in one of the kitchen drawers; something Noah didn’t necessarily like, but now could easily see the need for.
Snatching at the kitchen drawer gave him just enough time to snag the small revolver, but not before he felt himself being dragged quickly backwards by a pair of powerful, mechanical arms.
Several spotlights flickered on, centering dramatically on the man standing directly in the middle of his living room.
… No… way…!
The white lab coat stood out starkly against the living room décor, and Doctor Insano cackled madly as the pair of mechanical arms yanked Noah toward him. The metal bands linking the arms together wound downwards and onto the floor, tightly attached to a single metallic disc next to the madman. Of course it wasn’t really Doctor Insano… that was just – just – insane.
It seemed ludicrous, mind boggling. Impossible. However, the waving black hair with a lock of it falling lightly over the nearly hypnotic goggles, the way he stood, his voice…
My face… he has my face…!
“Long time, no see, jackass!” Doctor Insano slapped Noah heartily on the back with one hand, his other preoccupied with hoisting up a small pink rubber ball.
“… What. The fuck.” Noah breathed, desperately attempting to make sense of the situation. His feet were held an inch off the floor, and he dangled oddly. A rabid fan, maybe? One that broke into his house after getting plastic surgery to look just like him?
“Oh, come on, Spoony!” his identical twin laughed good-naturedly, a wicked grin spreading over his sharp features. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were a little surprised to see me!”
“What is this? ‘The fuck is goin’ on?!” Noah yelled, voice catching in his throat. The man was obviously deranged; however, he was much more deeply disturbed by the fact that his imitation of Doctor Insano was so accurate.
The black haired man in the lab coat deadpanned, pinching the bridge of his nose in agitation. “Oh, for crying out loud. Can you just put it together?”
“Help! Somebody, call the cops!”
“Christ, you’re full of crap,” Insano groaned, pulling a small remote control out of the pocket on his egg white lab coat. The steel arms holding Noah tightened their grip, crushing the air out of him. “I’m trying to enjoy my revenge here!”
“R-r-revenge?” Noah exhaled, struggling against the arms. “Dude, just – just – take my wallet, or something!” It felt like his mind was fighting against him, straining to make sense of everything. Robot arms, for god’s sake. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real, he created Insano.
“Lookie here, Spoons.” Insano claimed as he plopped onto the couch to relax as if absolutely nothing were out of the ordinary. “You left me to die in a godforsaken plot hole. I’m just… returning the favor.” The man tilted the black remote at him mockingly, an all-knowing, superior smirk widening.
Noah balked at his mirror image.
Not. Real.
Noah knew it was impossible; that some character he’d thought up to bounce ideas and comments off of in his snarky reviews could be in front of him was just stupid. It was too clichéd. The small revolver hidden in his hands felt real enough, though. He began angling it ever so slightly, hoping that Insano still hadn’t seen it. Doctor Insano was a villain, through and through – there was nobody but Noah who knew him better. If he could just keep him talking long enough…
“Wait, wait!” Noah squirmed. He didn’t like the thought of this General Hospital reject managing to go through with his ‘revenge’. The robotic arms were nearly crushing him as it was – he really wasn’t looking forward to what else they could do. The lightly glowing disk on the floor, though… it was linked to them, and several glass lights on it flickered on and off repeatedly. Black lettering could be seen on one edge of the disk, and even though it was slightly covered, he could see that it spelled out Un-Interdimensional Matter Application Device. The little glittering sticker covering it had a large stamp of the word SCIENCE! in red lettering. The device had to be attached to something. Perhaps if he could damage that…
“What kind of revenge is complete without, um…” he thought frantically. “… You know… uh, villain speech?”
Insano stared at him, and began laughing maniacally. “Ha ah ha ah ha! What are you, stupid? You think I’m actually going to fall for that old trick – talk the bad guy into a monologue, so that you have plenty of time to make some daring escape? That’s got to be the stupidest thing you’ve tried yet, and I was there for Final Fantasy!” he giggled, petting the pink ball tucked under one arm with his remote hand. “I mean, seriously, Spoony. I expected a little more from SHIT!” He yelped, ducking as Noah fired, the bullet blasting out of the gun’s barrel with a deafening bang!
It ricocheted off of the metal painting frame behind him, bouncing toward the ceiling fan and hitting the television corner before springing off of the coffee table.
“… Okay, seriously, how long is that thing gonna go for?” Insano deadpanned, watching the bullet fly about the room repeatedly. It pinged back and forth off of walls, occasionally hitting the metal arms and coming dangerously close to hitting Noah several times.
Ping. Ping. Ping. Ping.
“If you thought you were going to actually get away with that, then you’re even more full of crap than I thought.” Insano bragged. He snapped his fingers at the robotic arms, before facepalming as he remembered that they were remote controlled. “Screw it – just kill him.”
“You’re out of your mind!” Noah yelled, ducking as the bullet whizzed overhead again. He could have sworn it brushed his scalp. “You’re not even real! YOU’RE FUCKIN’ EVIL!”
Doctor Insano shrugged, slightly bored expression settling onto his mildly unshaven features. “Meh. I may be evil, but at least I’m not full of crap.”
It was then that the bullet finally found a resting spot as it bounced for the seventh time off of the (still spinning) ceiling fan.
The metal disc holding up the robotic arms. For a moment, it was dead silent and absolutely nothing happened.
The last thing Noah saw before the world around him completely collapsed was a very surprised Doctor Insano and a flash of violet lightning.
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Author's Note
UMAD, Spoony?
Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home
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“Betrayaaaaaaaaaaal! Betrayed me!” Noah spat angrily, flailing against the straps holding him down.
“E-everything’s going to be fine, just… just calm down, will you? Um, please?” Twilight added, almost as an afterthought. She wasn’t certain, but the creature before her seemed to be undergoing some form of… nervous breakdown. Perhaps it used anger as a coping mechanism?
“I swear to god, if somebody doesn’t tell me what in the hell is going on, I’m going to rape you in the eye socket with an eggbeater!”
And using graphic threats. Anger and very graphic threats.
“Er… allow me to introduce myself.” Twilight said kindly, setting her clipboard down on the workbench next to her notes. “My name is Twilight Sparkle.”
Noah blinked at her, watching in fascination as her lips moved. The oddly animated face moved realistically, almost as if the pony were really speaking to him. But that was impossible…
Impossible just got thrown out the damned window with Insano!
“… Uh…” Noah breathed, thinking.
Okay. Okay, so it speaks English. That, or one of the flight attendants slipped me something in a Tylenol gel-cap of crazy..
“… Hi?” Noah said uncertainly, glaring down at his bonds. Chances were, if it could speak and introduce itself, it – or, she, gauging from the feminine tone and eyelashes – had some form of rational reason for tying him down in her basement. Noah could almost hear the voice of Doctor Insano mockingly commenting on the irony of chained-down-in-a-basement jokes.
For a long moment, she merely stood there, staring at him.
“… You, uh… are you going to let me up?” Noah asked quietly, uncomfortable on the steel slab. The violet pony looked vaguely familiar, before he realized that he’d seen her before. Hell, she even told him her name; this was the show. The show those maniacal ‘bronies’ had requested that he review.
Bronies – the worst kind of people.
“Oh, I-I’m terribly sorry about that,” Twilight flushed slightly, and the tip of her horn glowed momentarily as the links keeping him down suddenly snapped free, leaving Noah able to sit up and rub his aching wrists. “You were… well, thrashing about an awful lot. I honestly didn’t expect you to start speaking plain Equish, but really, who does?” she rambled excitedly, and Ryan watched as she telekinetically brushed a disturbingly large needle into a drawer.
She saw him eyeing it, and Twilight chuckled nervously. “Er… heh heh. I should have said, thrashing violently.”
“… Is that a horse tranquilizer?” he asked pointedly.
“Say, now that you’re conveniently speaking plain Equish and all, I don’t believe you’ve even introduced yourself yet!” Twilight said rapidly, awkwardly shifting from hoof to hoof. It was clear that she wasn’t too comfortable discussing the extremely large amounts of sedatives he’d nearly been injected with.
“… Noah. Noah Antwiler.”
“A pleasure to meet your acquaintance, Mister Noah Antwiler.” Twilight said cheerily, extending a hoof to shake his hand. She slowly dropped it, however, when Noah balked at her instead of shaking her hoof.
“… You tied me down.” Noah blinked, brows furrowing. “I’m not just going to shake your freakin’ hand, and then everything’s all hunky-dory!”
“I think you mean hoof,” Twilight corrected him, “and that was just as much for your own good as it was for everypony else’s!”
“You were going to stick me with a tranquilizer!”
“For your own good!”
“A fucking HORSE tranquilizer!”
“For your own good!”
Noah crossed his arms angrily, refusing to let her gain ground on the topic. Indeed, she did look slightly guilty about it, but still – tranquilizing the first alien you come into contact with isn’t very good for diplomatic relations.
Then again, Noah slowly came to the realization that he probably would have done the exact same thing if a techni-colored pony had shown up in his neighborhood.
After a long and uncomfortable silence in which nobody said anything, Twilight spoke.
“I-I’m sorry about that, Mister Noah Antwiler…” she said shakily. “May-maybe we could, er… try reintroducing ourselves over some breakfast?”
“Am I gonna get a clear goddamned explanation as to what the hell’s going on?” Noah glared back at her, but she simply looked too upset for him to remain angry for long. He was frustrated and severely confused about the entire ordeal, but he wasn’t a complete bastard; besides, staying angry all the time would eventually lead to the inability to keep a clear head.
“Am I going to have to inject you with a tranquilizer to get you to stop swearing at me?”
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“Not real.”
“Nope.” Noah shook his head, taking a sip of his very-real tasting coffee.
“Not real.” Twilight repeated in disbelief, eying the human warily across the wooden kitchen table.
“Not even close.”
“That’s an absolutely ludicrous theory,” Twilight recoiled distastefully. “almost as much as the others!”
“Well, what else did you think I was going to say?” Noah rubbed his aching temples in exasperation. “Maybe there’s an infinite number of universes? Look, I’m kind of undergoing an existential crisis right now,” he groaned, wishing he had more of the slightly zingy coffee. “I have no idea where I am, I think my brother – and dog – might be dead, a motherfucking figment of my imagination just tried to kill me, and I’m starting to lose track of what’s real.”
Twilight pondered his concerns for a moment; indeed, he did look significantly traumatized. His foot tapped incessantly against the floor, and most of the color had left his face as the full weight of the situation gradually crushed in on him.
A billion miles from home.
In an alternate dimension.
With ponies.
“I think…” the purple unicorn began uncertainly, scratching her chin with the bottom of her hoof. “I think I know somepony I could introduce you to that might help. Or, at the very least, make all of this-“ she said, waving a hoof about at the room “-seem a little bit more ‘normal’ for you, if it helps.”
“… Normal.” Noah repeated, dumbfounded. There wasn’t a chance in hell that any of this was ever going to seem normal.
“You’ll see, soon enough.”
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It was horrifying.
It was tortuous.
It was the most mind numbing thing Noah had ever seen, and that’s including Pumpkinhead.
It was sheer madness.
“Ohmygosh, I know! And then, and then-!” Pinkie Pie, the frizzled pink party pony pronounced whilst prancing playfully around him in dizzying circle after circle. “There was a dragon, can you believe it? I mean, not like Spike, but like a big ol’ frumpy one – ooh, and the streamers! But that was before Zecora even-“
“I’M SORRY!” Noah shouted out from the bakery door after Twilight in desperation, nearly weeping as he was dragged back inside. “I’ll take the tranquilizer! Willingly! I'll use it as a catheter if I have to! Anything but this! FUCKING ANYTHIIIIIING!”
“Yeesh!” Pinkie grumbled uncharacteristically. “You’re grumpier than Mister Cake when he got that rolling pin stuck in his poop chute!”
“BETRAYAAAAAAAAL!” Noah bellowed out the door, before Pinkie’s last bit of information that she’d been spewing at him for the last hour finally registered in his head. “Wait, what?”
“And then, I’m gonna show you to all of my friends!” Pinkie bubbled, instantly changing course as she slapped a large, frilly hat on his head. The name atop it read ‘Pumpkin’. The pink lace didn’t help.
“Fuck off!” Noah swore angrily, yanking himself free from her iron grip, and the accursed bonnet. “You’re out of your damned mind!”
“Pffft. Puh-lease,” she waved him off nonchalantly. “Didn’t bother me when my therapist said it, doesn’t bother me when you say it.”
“You’re not showing me to anybody!” Noah vowed, stomping out the door after the unicorn that had so callously left him to a fate that not even Insano deserved. “Screw you guys! I’m – going – home!”
“Good luck with that!” Pinkie called cheerfully after him as he tramped away, completely unaware of the rainbow colored menace stalking him silently from above.
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Author's Note
THE 'SCIENCE' CONTINUES!
