Chapters A Schizophrenic's Guide to Equestria
Hello readers. Not sure how these things are meant to go, but I guess I'll start by introducing myself. My name is James Douglas, but you can call me JD. I suppose I'm writing this in order to explain how I got to where I am, and to spread my story to others, however insane I might be. Might as well start at the beginning then. Enjoy.
I shot up in bed, forehead enveloped in a cold sweat. I looked myself over before breathing a sigh of relief.
"These bloody nightmares are starting to get annoying."
I looked to my clock resting on the floor next to my matress. 4:47 AM. I sighed, this time in exasperation, and begrudgingly got up, knowing I wouldn't get any more sleep that morning. I went about my morning bathroom routine before heading into the kitchen in search of food.
"Let's see what we've got here," I said to myself as I browsed the pantry. "Hmm...oatmeal....half a packet of crackers....and a can with no label that has been in here since before I moved in. Oatmeal it is, then."
As bland and somehow chewy my meal tasted, I focused on it intently, hoping to distract myself from thinking about the day that was to come. I've never had a good day after being woken by a nightmare.
"HOW ABOUT YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF!" yelled a rather irrational customer, before throwing his coffee at me and storming out of the cafe.
Thankfully it was only lukewarm because the guy left it to sit for half an hour before touching it. Which is why he was complaining, requesting a refund and a new drink for free. Which led me to calmly explain why I couldn't give him either. I then offered to simply warm it up in the microwave. Which caused him to throw it in my face.
One of my co-workers covered for me as I cleaned myself up and got out my spare uniform, hoping to get back to work before my boss found me.
"GODDAMN IT JAMES!"
Of course, I had no such luck.
"THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME THIS MONTH YOU'VE MADE A CUSTOMER ANGRY! IF YOU KEEP THIS UP I'LL START LOSING PROFITS! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT HOW YOU DEAL WITH COMPLAINTS?!" he yelled, as his fat, round, bald and perpetually sweaty head seemed to swell as he chewed me out.
"'Always give them what they want.' But sir, he wanted a refund AND another coffee for free. I can't afford to have $10 taken out of my pay."
"THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM! NOW GET BACK TO WORK THIS INSTANT! IF THIS HAPPENS AGAIN, YOU ARE FIRED!"
"What? But sir I'm soake-"
"I SAID GET BACK TO WORK!"
I sighed, getting back up and walking out to my position behind the coffee machine, still dripping coffee, not wanting to lose my only source of income. Now, a normal person might have stood up for their rights, yelled at their boss, or even gone on a rampage killing people and/or flinging their feces all over the place. Luckily, for pretty much everyone within a kilometre of there, I was not normal. No, I don't mean I had superpowers, was extremely smart, or was an alien-demigod with control of all reality. Nope, I was just mildly schizophrenic.
'He always seems to be yelling, huh? You should pour chemicals in his coffee and try to make him sound like a midget.'
That is Ataxia, one of my "alternate personalities" as I like to call them. I don't know if they're really split personalities, they just seem to personify an emotion or a mental state. In case you don't know, the word ataxia is a synonym of chaos. Why did I choose that name for him?
'Oh hey, there's a bird outside that window. I wonder what it's eyes look like inside out.'
Mainly because his train of thought is completely sporadic, always confusing, and tends to be disturbing. He isn't that bad, to be honest. Gives me a laugh every now and again. I'm not sure exactly what part of my psyche he represents, but if I had to guess, then it'd be "doing and saying whatever the hell he wants". I guess he is my carefree nature. Just kind of disturbed and insane.
I have two more distinct personalities, and I guess one of them is actually me. The way it seems to work is that one personality has dominance at one time. The other personalities manifest as voices coming in like thoughts so we can "communicate", if it doesn't count as talking to myself. I tend to be the one in charge most of the time, because I'm the calmest and nicest. Sure, I still swear, lie, act rude and talk in fluent sarcasm, but that's nothing compared to the other two. Ataxia could say the cruelest damn thing imaginable and force you so deep into a pit depression that you can't see the top. And the other one...
'Rip his goddamn throat out you fucking pussy! Punch his spine in half! Fry his brain and feed it to him!'
He is rage. Pure simple rage. He gets angry over the tiniest things. The first time I let him take control, just to see what he was like, he walked us past a flower and the pollen made us sneeze. Allergies suck all kinds of ass. But not as much as what he did. He started wailing into our own face trying to tear our sinuses out so he could beat them to death. Luckily we managed to get him under control before he disfigured us.
That was a very hard thing to blame on running into a pole. We keep him under wraps now. Luckily we all share the same intelligence, so Ataxia was smart enough to know not to let him "out" without having something to focus his rage on. We have to let him out, of course. If we don't his anger slowly builds up until he breaks out regardless of where we are or what we're doing and tries to destroy as much as he can. So we let him out while we're at the gym, working the punching bag or something. Physical exertion distracts him from hurting others, or destroying property. He likes to be called Wrath. Unoriginal, I know.
'And how, exactly is he going to eat his brain if he isn't using it to do it?' I asked Wrath.
'You're assuming he actually uses it for anything he does,' snarked Ataxia.
'Which means that he won't mind if you pull it out of his nasal cavity. And even if he does care, do it anyways!'
I sighed again. It wasn't even 10 AM yet.
I walked home through the suburbs of Caloundra. It's a town in Queensland. That's a state in Australia. And no, I have a British accent. Don't start that "Gidday mate!" BS. Anyways, it was only 5 PM, but it gets dark real fast in winter. The last block to my apartment building used to have a street light, but some jack-ass crashed into it doing wheelies. Knocked out our power for a couple of days. Internet withdrawal sucks.
I climbed the stairs to the third floor and entered my apartment. I checked the mailbox attached to my door. I found a single yellow envelope. It had the word NOTICE printed across the top in bold red..
"Fuck." I have never received a notice that wasn't bad news. I opened the envelope and read the note inside.
"Dear Mr. Douglas.
This is the third time I've had to postpone your rent. Either pay it by 5 in the afternoon tomorrow, or I will throw you and all of your stuff out on the street!
Regards,
Management."
'What stuff? asked Ataxia as we looked around the small apartment that was our home. And I've got to say, he was right. All I had was a table, some dishes and silverware, a sofa, a small (broken) television set, a mattress, some bed linen, a few clothes and the laptop I had been given for my 18th birthday. Oh, and a few books. But those didn't count since it became apparent that I was going to have to sell them the next day.
"Damn it, I didn't even get to read all of them. At least it's my day off tomorrow. I might sleep in."
I groaned as I was rudely woken by a knock on the door and looked at my clock. 10 AM. Still too early.
'Please kill whoever's at the door.' I was tempted to. I honestly was. But I figured it might be important. I'd wait till after they explain to see if I kill them.
I got up and answered the door.
"Hey man," said my neighbour. "You've got a phone call." Each floor has two apartments, and they both share the same phone in the hallway.
"Who is it?" I asked while, unsuccessfully, attempting to rub some feeling back into my face.
"I dunno, some fat sweaty guy. Said it was urgent." That was probably my boss. Yes, you can actually tell that he's sweating just from a phone call. It's really disturbing.
I walked to the wall-phone and picked up the receiver and held it to my ear. "Hello?"
"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? YOUR SHIFT STARTED HALF AN HOUR AGO!" Cringing, and holding the receiver at arms length, I attempted to make sense of the most recent stream of horse shit that came spewing from his mouth.
"What the hell are you talking about? Today's my day off! It's Ramirez' shift today!"
"He got in a car accident last night! He'll be spending the week in hospital! You know you're supposed to check in with me in the morning to see if you've got a shift!"
"I triple checked yesterday with everyone before I left to make sure that I would have today off! I doubt everybody has been sent to hospital."
"Don't you be a smart-ass to me you little pissant! You didn't sign it off with me, which means that you don't get today off! Now I want your ass back here right now!"
"What the hell! That is complete bull! I asked you every day all week. You bitched at me to leave you alone and that I would have the day off!"
"Well I changed my mind! Now get your ass back here or you're fired!"
"You know what?! You can shove your job and your fucking coffee up your ass, which is probably where they came from because they're both shit!" I was yelling at the top of my lungs before I slammed the receiver down.
*THUNK*
My head hit the wall as I leaned against it. "Fuck."
'....now can we kill him?'
I packed up all of my books. Or at least the ones that I could sell for more than a few dollars. I placed them in one of those "eco-friendly" library bags, with my laptop and charger resting at the bottom. Probably not the safest place to have a laptop, if it's even safe to bring out into neighbourhoods like this, but I preferred keeping it with me in case my apartment is robbed.
'So, what're we doing?'
'You're me, we share the same brain. You can literally read my thoughts. Why do you need me to explain it to you?'
'For the sake of the people reading this in one of the alternate realities where this story is being told in a written narrative.'
'.......you know what, I'm too tired to do anything but humour you. We are going to go sell these books, come back, pay our rent, go back out, go to the library and use their wifi so I can look online for a job.'
'Wouldn't it be easier to apply to Centrelink?'
A moment passed.
'Phhhhtttthahahahaha!''Phhhhtttthahahahaha!' 'Phhhhtttthahahahaha!'
'That was a good one.'
As we rounded the corner, something happened. Still not sure exactly how it happened, but it happened.
A large *CRACK* split the air. Literally. There was an actual crack running through the air, around chest height above the sidewalk, 10 feet in front of me.
"What the actual fuck."
Speaking seemed to disturb it further somehow, and the crack widened until the void in reality was roughly my size. And then I felt gravity shift towards it.
'God damn it, who broke the universe?' That was the last thought in our mind as the gravity increased exponentially, sucking me and my bad in, closing behind me.
The next part is...sort of hard to describe. It felt like nothing I can think of, but it looked like I was travelling at warp speed, except instead of stars, everywhere I looked was rainbow. Like I was falling really quickly down a tunnel and all the walls were made out of solid glowing opal. It didn't last long, however, as another crack formed ahead of me. As I was flung out of...there, the last thing I saw before losing consciousness was a bookshelf approaching me alarmingly fast.
Spike just stood there, silently staring at the creature who had just appeared out of nowhere and embedded itself in a bookshelf across the room.
"Great," he sighed. "It's gonna be one of THOSE days."
Author's Note
I realise that it's been a while since I've written anything. And I know that some, if not all of you, were disappointed that my previous story didn't actually finish. Hell, it hardly got started. The truth is I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I had no direction that I was taking the story in, and couldn't think of what to do in later chapters. Personally, I wanted it to be good, but it wasn't. So I'll be writing this new story. I will eventually go back to my old story. I'll probably rewrite it all as well. Lots of people put their faith into it and I don't want to leave them wholly unrewarded. But for the moment, I simply don't have a story for it, but I am working on it.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, so rate, comment and, if you feel up to reading more of my mindless ramblings, subscribe. Check in later for another chapter. No, it will not be a month apart this time. Hopefully.
A Schizophrenic's Guide to Equestria
Three's Company, Nine's a Crowd.
"Urrgh..." I groaned as I regained consciousness. My body felt like it had been run over by a bus that was filled with concrete while on fire. I cracked my eyes open and glanced around. I was lying on a table in what looked like some kind of laboratory. At first I assumed I was being experimented on, but started doubting that when I looked at myself and saw I covered in a blanket with a pillow underneath my head.
"Please, lie back down," pleaded a sweet voice. "You need your rest."
I shifted my gaze to look at my accommodator, expecting to see a small girl. What I saw was...well it was shorter than me I guess. And female. I think. It seemed feminine enough. It was a small purple unicorn. Well, small for a horse at least. She had dark blueish purple mane with a streak of pink down it on one side and large amethyst eyes. Naturally, my first thought came from Ataxia.
'Cool, our broken psyche has descended into hallucinations. When d'you think I can manifest myself in a physical form?
I didn't even want to try thinking about what he might look like, so I tried to compose myself and converse as calmly and rationally as possible.
"What the hell." Well I did say tried.
"I know I probably look a little strange to you," the unicorn tried to calm me. "Don't worry, I don't want to hurt you. I just want to ask some questions."
I suddenly realised something, and spoke up before she got started. "Me first."
"...okay." She seemed a bit disappointed. I don't blame her, I'd want to know who I am and how I crashed into the inside of my house as well.
"Thank you. Now, why am I naked?" It seemed that underneath the blanket I was completely nude. Don't ask how I didn't notice, I was in pain.
"Well, when Spike came and told me something crashed into the library I brought Fluttershy along because you might have been hurt. You were. Very badly. We stripped you of your clothes and were about to do some emergency healing spells when your wounds just...started healing by themselves. We even heard you bones crunch back into place."
My brow furrowed. There were many things about that explanation I didn't understand. Instead of trying to use my sore brain to worry about that I just asked another question. "Were my clothes bloody?" She nodded. "Then you must be washing them. I'd like then back when they're done."
"They're done now. I'll get them for you." She walked to the stairs that led to a doorway before yelling out. "SPIIIIIKE! COULD YOU BRING DOWN OUR GUESTS CLOTHING?"
"Sure thing Twilight!" came a voice from outside the door.
"Who's that?" I asked.
"That's Spike, my assistant," she said as she walked back towards the table. "He's a baby dragon." I just stared blankly at her for a moment.
"Sure why not. There are talking unicorns, why not dragons." I was resigned to the strange reality I seemed to be in.
She looked a little shocked. "You know what unicorns and dragons are? Do you have them where you come from?"
Well she tried to save my life apparently. Might as well let her play 20 Questions. "Yes I know what dragons and unicorns are, but no, there aren't any where I come from. They're actually just myths that most people thought were never true, just stories. Guess that was wrong. Where are we, anyways?"
"Oh, we're in Ponyville." Blank stare. "Equestria?" Another blank stare. "The middle of the world's largest continent, the most peaceful nation in the world?"
"Okay that proves it. I'm not from the same reality as you." She gave me a taste of my own medicine and just stared at me.
"How do you know that, exactly?" She finally asked.
"Because where I'm from, there are no peaceful nations. Particularly not in the largest continent." She looked stunned at that. "Before I got knocked out I was sucked into what looked like a tear in the space time continuum. Wait, do you know what that is?" She nodded, looking like I insulted her. "Good. Anyways, I think I was brought into an alternate dimension, or a parallel dimension, or an alternate reality. One of them. Not sure how, but unless this is a dream I can't think of anything else."
She contemplated this for a moment before nodding. "I guess that makes sense."
Suddenly a basket of laundry and a small green and purple lizard walked through the door and fell down the stairs.
"You okay?" I asked the small dragon that was mostly buried under a pile of clothes.. Despite his twitching leg he didn't look all that worse for ware.
"Yeah, I'm fine." He lifted himself out of my clothes. "So you're alive huh? You hit the bookshelf pretty hard. Actually left a dent it it. I'm just glad all the books were out of it. Looks like you never putting books back in their shelves actually saved them, hey Twilight?" The mare in question blushed and shushed him.
"So my wounds just...healed?" I asked. "That doesn't usually happen."
"It doesn't?" Twilight perked up, happy to hear some information about what I was. "I just figured that that's how your species works."
I shook my head. "Nope. We're basically just big, smart, hairless monkeys. And we're called humans. Homo-sapiens."
Her eyes widened. "You're...a human?!"
"Yeah...why? Is that a big deal?"
"Kind of...maybe. It's just that humans went extinct. Long before Equestria was formed. Before the princess was born, even. The only thing I've been able to read about them was that they were very violent. They wanted to enslave all other races." She seemed to be holding a more defensive stance now.
"Yeah, that sounds like humanity." We have always had the desire to control everything.
"But you've changed, right?" Spike asked with poorly hidden hesitation.
"Humanity as a whole tends to be a violent race. As our technology advanced the only thing that changed was how we fought. There has always been good humans and bad humans. It's just that the bad ones aren't afraid to do bad things, so they're usually the ones in control. Most countries I can think of have either had conflicts with another or are corrupt. Or both."
'And you wouldn't let me kill all humans.'
'Oh hey, I was wondering where you went. And I never said no to that, I said you could if we couldn't change humanity. Too late now I guess. Now shush, Twilight's talking.'
"That's horrible...did they....kill...all the other creatures?" I guess their society is more detached from killing. Makes sense, if most people were herbivorous ponies.
"No. We almost did, but as humans got smarter we developed agriculture and, more recently, started making efforts to restore forests and protect endangered species. Besides, humans are omnivores. If we killed all the animals most of us would have descended into cannibalism."
"Gross." Spike stuck out his fork-tongue.
"Quite."
"Wait," Twilight held up a hoof. "You're an omnivore? As in you eat plants AND meat?"
"Yeah. Don't worry, I don't need meat to survive, I just need some iron in my diet. I haven't even been able to afford meat for four months. Humans tend to be gluttonous. I am too, really. Just not for meat."
"Phew." She wiped some sweat off her brow.
"Except for lamb. I really like lamb." She gave me a look. "I won't eat any lambs, don't worry." I blinked. "Wait, are lambs even sentient here?"
"Yeah. Aren't they where you're from?"
"God no. I'd never eat a sentient creature. That's only a step away from cannibalism in my book. No, humans are the only sentient creatures on Earth. Except maybe dolphins. And cats. You look at them and they don't seem smart, but you know they're planning something. "
'Damn it Ataxia get your paranoid ass back in here. No one wants to hear about your cat phobia.'
'Fine.'
As I took back over I saw Twilight nodding. "I guess it makes sense that humans didn't go extinct in your world if you were the only sentient ones."
"The lack of dragons made it simpler too. I don't particularly fancy meeting one of Spike's larger relatives, even if they're as nice as him."
"She keeps me placated with gems. Give me gems or I'll eat you." That earned him a glare from Twilight and a chuckle from me.
"Sorry, little buddy. I have to spend most of my money on food. I'd have to save for years to afford the smallest of gemstones."
"Aww."
I yawned. "How long was I out for, anyways?"
"About five hours."
"And no nightmares. I guess my mind was focussed on the pain. Anyway, I suppose I should get up. I don't hurt as much anymore, so I'll get dressed and come upstairs."
"Okay." Twilight said. And then didn't move. And continued to look at me.
I looked to Spike. "She always this oblivious?"
"You mean does she forget that she's supposed to give people personal space? All the time."
Luckily that caused realisation to sink into her, and she had manners enough to blush. "Oh! Sorry! We'll just wait upstairs for you! Okay bye!" She levitated Spike up to her back and promptly left the basement.
"Huh. So people can use telekinesis here. That's interesting."
'She's hot. D'you think she'd wanna-'
"NO."
'Aww, you never let me have any fun.
'That's because you'd get us thrown in jail, dipshit.'
"You're no better. Anyways, shut up so I can get dressed. It's freaking freezing."
I got dressed quickly and made myself upstairs. I found Twilight and Spike sitting at a table, along with another pony, as I guessed they must have been. This one was canary yellow, with light pink hair. And wings. A pegasus.
'Is everything in this world some kind of mythological being?'
'You know that simply by asking that the world has changed to be exactly that just to spite you.'
'Wouldn't surprise me.'
"Hello." I said, making my way over to the table. The pegasi mare's head snapped to me quickly.
"Oh dear, are you all right? I was so worried, there was so much blood, I was afraid you wouldn't make it, and it would have been my faultandI'msososorryIwantedtomakeyoumorecomfortablebutwedidn'twantotmoveyouandTwilightsaidyouwokeupandIwantedtocomeseeyoubutshesaidyouweregettingdressedsoI-" I stut the faucet of words that was her muzzle with my hand, whith what I'm sure was an exasperated look on my face.
"It's fine, really. You did everything you could, and it turned out all right in the end. So don't worry." I took my hand off her mouth. "So, what's your name?"
"Fluttershy." she all but whispered. Well it seems more fitting now than it would have a moment ago.
"Hello Fluttershy. I'm JD." I was about to join the others at the table when the front door burst open, almost literally. The thing that came through was very pink, very loud, and very bouncy.
"Hey Twilight I heard Fluttershy was over here, are you guys having a slumber party, it's not very nice to only invite one of your friends unless maybe you're having a special two-pony slumber part or *GASP* maybe Spike was hurt and she has to spend the night here or-" She stopped in mid...paragraph...and mid-air. She was just standing in mid-air staring at me.
*GAAAAAASP* Zoom. She zoomed out of the door. Complete with sound effects. While still in mid-air. I turned to look at Twilight.
"Are you sure there are laws of physics here?"
"Not for Pinkie there aren't." She answered. I looked back at the door. She seems to have made confetti burst out of nowhere when she entered.
'I think I'm in love.'
No more than five minutes later Pinkie came back, this time followed by three other mares.
"See, Dashie? I told you Twilight had an alien in her house!" She exclaimed while pointing at me.
"Oh cool!" The cyan pegasus with a rainbow coloured mane flew up to my face, grinning. "Where did you come from? Are you here to take over Equestria? How big is your ship? How fast can it go?"
I blinked. Guess she like aliens. "Five hundred and ninety nine million, five hundred and eighty four thousand, nine hundred and sixteen metres per second." She grinned wider for a second before scrunching up her face in confusion.
"Girls, just because you don't recognise what species someone is, that doesn't make them an alien," said a mare with a pure white coat and a purple mane. She had a horn like Twilight. "If he's visiting Twilight without notice then it's obvious that he's an important dignitary from a far-away country." She trotted up to me and held out her left forehoof. "Isn't that right, Mr...?"
I shook her hoof. It felt softer than I thought a hoof would be. "JD. And actually, they're right. I'm technically an alien."
Her eyes widened, then softened again. "Ah, then you must be an important ambassador for your people, introducing yourself to the star-student of the Princess." I could feel Twilight shifting in embarrassment behind me.
"Nope. Actually, I'm barely a step above homeless. Just got fired from my job this morning." She looked rather crestfallen at that, so I decided to play nice. "But for what it's worth, it's an honor to be the first human to meet you, Miss...?"
She smiled warmly. "Rarity." I smiled back and nodded at her before she was pushed to the side by an orange pony. Whose yellow mane was tied up in a ponytail. As was her actual tail. She was also wearing a Stetson hat. I heard the Southern accent before she even talked.
"Howdy, partner. Name's Applejack." She held out her hoof. Naturally I went to shake it. My shoulder still hasn't forgiven me. Before she let me recover from her death-shake she continued. "Ah run the apple farm just northa town. Feel free ta come by if you're ever feeling peckish. Or ya'll feel like providing some free labour." She chuckled as she elbowed me....wait, are they elbows or knees?
I smiled. "I think I'll pass. My last job was practically free labour as it was."
"Hehe, well don't be shy iffn ya change your mind." And then the pink oddity popped up from underneath Applejack, flipping her out of the way.
"Ooh, ooh, say something funny to me!"
And then Ataxia kicked me out of control. 'Don't mind if I do.'
"Well, for one you're just about the cutest singularity I've ever met. "
She giggled. "Yay, he said something funny!"
He was about to continue before me and Wrath punched his proverbial face in.
"Hey, what's up with your eye?" Dash asked as I regained control.
"My eye?" I reached up to my right eye, but there was nothing wrong with it. "I don't know. Probably had an eyelash in it."
'Did you guys know about that? The eye twitching when we switch?'
'No.' Wrath said, bored.
'Yes.' Ataxia lied.
'Hmm.'
My contemplations were interrupted by the rainbow pegasus, who seemed to get over her brain braking and realised that she failed to introduce herself. "I'm Rainbow Dash! Future Wonderbolt and all round best and fastest flyer in Equestria!"
I raised an eyebrow. "Okay. Nice to meet you." She was obviously annoyed that I hadn't taken more interest in her. Which I found hilarious.
"So how'd you even get here, if you didn't come in a spaceship?" She asked, narrowing her eyes at me.
"Basically? A space portal." I said shrugging.
"Why d'you think I need a basic explanation, huh?"
"Because I don't know what happened exactly myslef."
Pinkie popped up again. Need to get a new blocker. "Never mind about that, Dashie! What's important is hat we've made a new friend!" My eyes widened. "And what's more, he's a new resident of Ponyville! And you know what that means! SO I've gotta get going! See ya, JD!" She zoomed out again.
"Anyone mind telling me what that was about?" I asked, pretty much used to the confusion at this point.
"I wish I could, Darling," said Rarity as she walked past me towards the door. "but she made us all Pinkie Promise not to warn- I mean spoil the surprise. Ta now. I was looking after Sweetie Belle before Pinkie dragged me off."
"....I'm not even going to ask."
"I've found that that's the best method to deal with Pinkie's antics." said Twilight from the table.
"Ah've gotta go too, sugarcube. If ah don't I'll be late for supper."
"It's only like four in the afternoon."
"Tell that ta mah Granny Smith. See ya'll later." I waved after her, not sure if she was talking about her granny or some apples.
"I'll be watching you." Said Rainbow Dash as she flew backwards towards the door, looking pretty cool until she hit her head on the doorframe.
"And, um, I need to go look after my animals. I'll be back tomorrow, okay?"
"Yeah, okay. See you then." She left, and then it was just Twilight and me. Spike was there too, but it looks like he had somehow fallen asleep. My shoulders slumped as I sighed.
"Crap."
"What?" Twilight looked over at me. "Is something wrong?"
"I just made friends, didn't I?"
"Um, I think so. Why?"
"Nothing. I can just tell this is gonna end badly. My friendships always do."
NEXT TIME: THE PARTY PONY PARADOX!
Author's Note
Well hey, would you look at that! Two chapters within 24 hours! That's a personal best! I know it seems like Wrath and Ataxia aren't really getting much screen time right now, but they become much more important later on. Also, personally, i view the area where all the personalities are to be kind of like the bridge of the Starship Enterprise, with a Captains chair, a left hand chair, and a right hand chair. Whoever is seated in the captain's chair gets to control the body. They all have datapads and can all see through the body's eyes with the view screen, so they're all privy to the same information. They sometimes go out of the bridge and deeper into the mind/Enterprise. They can still talk with the others, but they can't take control. Wrath spends a lot of time in the brig.
Anyways, rate and comment. Be as harsh as you wish, I crave criticism.
A Schizophrenic's Guide to Equestria
"So wait, you don't have any friends back in your world?"
"Nope."
"None at all?"
"That's right."
"And you're okay with that?"
"It doesn't bother me, if that's what you mean."
"Have you just never made any friends?"
"No." I sighed, as I let my head fall to the table with a clunk. After she put Spike to bed she immediately started questioning me about my lack of desire to make friends. "Like I said, I have had friends, it's just that all of my relationships ended up turning sour."
"Why?" Twilight asked, for what felt like the thousandth time.
"Urrrrg....they just did okay? Various stupid reasons. I'm probably the reason for it, but I don't care." Unfortunately, I knew that they all were my fault. Technically. While I like to imagine my split personalities as different consciousnesses that are somehow trapped in my mind, I know that everything they do is a result of my deep hidden desires, or some other psychological crap like that. So when I lash out at someone, or thoughtlessly say something horrible, while I perceive it as one of them taking full control of my body, I know that deep down it's still me doing them. I am just legitimately insane. I think. Besides, if anyone here finds out, they might stick me in an institution, or worse, send me back to Earth.
"Twilight, the bottom line is that I simply am not good at making friends, and on the rare occasions that I do, I can't maintain them for long. Hell, even my relationships within my family broke apart. It's why I live in a crappy apartment with barely enough money to feed myself. I just want to move on from that and start a new life here. If I make friends, then that's fine, I'm just saying, based on my track record, it probably won't last long." Twilight was silent for a few moments.
"Okay," she resigned. "I guess nopony can force you to try to make friends, but I still want to have you read a book I wrote about how friendship can change your life for the better....and please get off the table."
"But it's comfy." I complained, but I lifted my head anyways. "Say, speaking of books, where's the bag I had with me? I had like twelve books in there along with my laptop."
"Is that the black rectangular thing? I tried figuring out how it worked, but I didn't want to break it. It's over there, on the sofa."
I walked over to the sofa and found my laptop lying on it, next to a small hill made out of my books. "...wow, Spike wasn't kidding."
"Quiet, you." She said as she trotted up behind me. "After I gave up on your lap-thing I tried to read some of your books, but they aren't written in any language I recognised."
"Really?" I asked, surprised. "But we speak the same language, all of our words mean the same thing. The only thing really different seems to be how we say certain words, and all that is is cultural differences."
"I know! I really wanted to read something from a different world, too."
"Well then we probably need to teach each other our alphabets sometime. God knows I'll need it if I want to stay here." I picked up my laptop and took it's place on the couch. Twilight moved the pile of books over telepathically and sat next to me.
'Still need to ask her about that.'
"So what does this thing do anyway?" she asked as I opened the computer.
"The simplest answer? It stores data and information, along with a variety of other pointless things." I powered it on, and the Windows logo showed up. "Oh good, it still has power."
"Power? What do you mean?"
"Hmm..." I rubbed my chin, trying to come up with a way to explain how it works. "Do you have light bulbs here?"
"Of course."
"How do they work?"
"Each light bulb has a small gem built into it that has been filled with magical energy. The strength and amount of magic that goes into it determines how bright it is and how long it lasts. Is that similar to how they work for you?"
I rubbed my temple. "Oh dear. No, no they do not. Uhh, you know electricity? Like from lighting?" She nodded. "Well, we've found ways to generate and harness it to power various things. A power plant generates the electricity and cables go along everywhere to all the houses to power all of their stuff. Of course it isn't free, but nothing is where I'm from." I logged on to my account and opened up My Documents. "See, it can hold everything from written documents and spreadsheets to video games and movies."
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Movies? You have entire films in that thing?"
"Hundreds. Or, at least a hundred. I never really counted them. The shift from film to digital recording really set us forward in terms of storage. As well as sharing."
She gawked at my laptop, shocked. "Wait," she said as she snapped out of it. "Sharing? You mean you can take things from this and instantly put it onto another?"
"Well, not instantly. You usually have to use a mobile storage device to transfer files, and it still takes time to copy over."
"Is the storage limitless?"
"No, it's limited to how many memory drives it has, and how large they are. I'd tell you more, but I honestly don't really remember much more than that. Probably shouldn't have slept through my IT classes." I closed my laptop, much to Twilight's chagrin. "But enough about that, I want to learn about magic."
She perked up at that, and instantly dived into a detailed explanation of magic and how the biology of most creatures in this world utilizes it. A very, very detailed and long winded explanation. I drifted in and out as I felt my brain turn to mush, but I'm fairly certain I heard her mention things like pegasus ponies controlling the weather, friendship and kindness driving away uncontrollable blizzards, and that their goddesses control the sun and the moon.
My brain re-solidified itself. "Wait, what? I thought you were a scientist. You believe that a goddess raises and lowers the sun and moon?"
"Uhuh. Princess Celestia just controls the sun though. Princess Luna controls the moon."
I scratched my head. Of all the things that might have happened that might make people hate me, a religious debate was not very high on that list. But since I'm an idiot, i decided to start one anyway. "Yours seems like a moderately advanced civilisation. I would have thought for sure that you'd have discovered that the planets orbit the sun by now."
She looked at me incredulously. "What? No, the moon and the sun are pulled around our planet through the sky by magic! A large group of unicorn ponies did this until five thousand years ago when the alicorns Celestia and Luna came and rescued the ponies of that time from a drought! Because alicorns have much stronger magic than any normal pony they can each control the sun and the moon by themselves, so they offered to take care of that so the ponies wouldn't have to worry about that, and the ponies made them their princesses!"
"Okay, I know that's what you were brought up to believe, and I do try to respect others beliefs, but do you realise just how much larger the sun is than the Earth? It is over one million times the volume of the Earth, and contains more than ninety nine percent of the mass of the entire solar system. Anything that can move that around the planet from one hundred and forty nine million and six hundred thousand kilometres at one hundred kilometres an hour every day would have the power to literally split the Earth in two. If they were so powerful, then they would be moving the sun and the moon around from this planet and would still be alive."
"They ARE still alive!"
"Yes but...wait what." I sat there, brain struggling along.
"They're still alive! They're living in Canterlot right now! I'm Celestia's student, and I'm in contact with her at least once a week!"
"Oh....and you're absolutely sure that she raises the sun, and is five thousand years old?"
"Well, I don't know exactly how old she is, but yes, she's at least five thousand years old. AND I know for a fact that she controls the sun." She sat with her forelegs crossed, glaring at me. It would have been menacing if she wasn't pouting, making her look adorable.
"Huh. Well that's different then. You should have just said that right from the start. I thought you were just mindlessly believing in something someone told you about something that happened five thousand years ago with literally no evidence of any kind. My bad, sorry."
Her face softened. "Apology accepted. But why would you think that?"
"Because that's how religions work where I come from. People believe in wildly outlandish stories that have been edited thousands of times and translated from one language to another without the faintest amount of evidence. I guess it's 'cause they're scared of death and need something to believe in to make the world seem like it actually has meaning."
"Hmm..." She seemed to think about this for a moment before brushing it aside. "Hey JD, could you go upstairs and get Spike? I'm going to start dinner soon."
I smiled and stood up. "Sure." I climbed the stairs and went into what I assumed was a bedroom. It looked more like a study, honestly, but there was a bed up on a landing, so I guess it counts. I climbed the stairs that led up to it and found a basket with the sleeping dragon curled up in it. So freaking adorable.
'I hope there's nothing cuter than this in this world. It might give me a heart attack.'
'And, of course, since you said that it is destined to come true. I wonder if they even have hospitals.' That was actually a legitimate concern, despite it being Ataxia who said it. I'd have to ask Twilight that during dinner. Didn't want to get an infection from a splinter and have to amputate my arm.
I nudged Spike. "Wake up, kiddo. Twilight's making dinner."
He yawned. "Just five more hours." I smiled. Then I lifted him up by his tail. "Urrg..fine, I'm up." I set him down and started downstairs, making sure he was following me and not just going back to bed. We left the room to find that the main library was pitch black.
"Oh god, we've entered the realm of darkness! Our souls are forfeit to the unspeakable terrors from beyond our earthly realm!" Spike ignored my ramblings and just made his way downstairs. I followed him, grumbling something about no one appreciating a good joke. As I stepped away from the staircase the lights suddenly came back on.
"SURPRISE!" yelled a large group of ponies who had somehow managed to silently sneak in. I had no time to react as Pinkie bounded up to me.
"Hey JD! I gathered everypony here for a surprise party for you! Were you surprised? Huh? Huh? Huh?"
I looked around the room There were a few dozen ponies strewn around the room, dancing and chatting, along with balloons, streamers, banners a few snack tables, one which held a large cake, and even some speakers hooked up to a turntable, playing what seemed to be tuba music. I turned back to Pinkie.
"I was up there for less than three minutes. I'm not even going to attempt to figure out how you did this, but you legitimately frighten me, Pinkie Pie." Her smile dropped. I looked at the cake. "So what flavour is that?" I asked, hoping to lift her spirits.
Her smile came back instantly, thankfully. Sad Pinkie is worst Pinkie. "It's a triple choc-mint-strawberry swirl cake with butterscotch icing! Do you like it?"
I went over and took a slice of it and bit into it. Somehow Pinkie knew my taste buds better than I did. "This cake is god."
"God?" she asked from behind me.
"God." I replied. It was a very good cake.
After tearing myself away from the god-cake I mingled and talked with some of the ponies. They were nice, if a bit put off by my height. And my teeth. And my fingers. Actually, now that I think about it, they were all fairly anxious around me. They must rust Pinkie a lot to agree to do this. Though I suspected they didn't really have any choice.
I noticed Fluttershy in the corner, trying to make herself as unnoticeable as possible. She wasn't doing a very good job. I decided to go over to talk with her. "Hey Fluttershy."
She looked up at me and smiled. "Oh, hello JD. How are you?"
"I'm fine. Utterly confused, but I suspect that will not be a rare occurrence." I stood there waiting for her to pitch in, but she just stared at me. A conversationalist she is not. "....so, what do you do for a living?"
"Oh, um....I take care of the woodland creatures." She said meekly.
"Oh, so you're a veterinarian?"
"Um, no. The veterinarian helps ponies pets when they're hurt or sick. I help the animals who don't have anyone to look after them, like the ones in the wild."
"Oh, that's cool. You're like the doctor for the forest. That;s nice. I've always liked animals."
She perked up at this. "Oh, you like animals? Do you have any pets? What's your favourite animal?"
"I've had several dogs and a few cats. And I like all animals, really. It's just the ones that don't try to eat me tend to be more enjoyable to be around. How about you? What kinds of animals do you look after?"
"I look after all kinds of animals. I look after rabbits, mice, birds, chickens, bears, beavers and a lot more woodland animals."
I stared at her. "You look after bears." She nodded. "And they don't try to eat you or the other animals?"
"Oh no, I make sure they get all the fish they need."
"You catch fish and feed them to bears." She nodded again.
"Oh, and, um..." she lowered her voice to a whisper. "Twilight told me you're an omnivore. If you wanted, I could catch some fish for you to eat."
I shook my head. "No thanks. I had to live on almost nothing but fish for about three years. It kind of put me off it. Besides, I don't know how to gut or scale them or anything I need to do to make it safe to eat. I always just got pre-cut fillets. And no, I do not eat things raw. I cook them. Kills the germs."
She nodded before catching sight of Rarity and left to go talk to her. With nothing else to do, I returned to the cake.
The party lasted for a couple more hours until people started to get tired and had to leave. Pinkie was the last one out the door, having helped clean up. By which I mean somehow cleared everything out extremely quickly. "Bye bye, Pinkie! Be sure to make more of that cake!" I waved her goodbye and shut the door. I turned around to find a once again sleeping Spike lying on Twilight's back. It was really cute.
"I'm gonna take Spike upstairs to bed. I've set up a spare mattress downstairs. If you need me, I'll be on the upstairs balcony with my telescope."
My eyebrows shot up. "Telescope?"
She nodded. "Yeah, I was going to look at some constellations tonight. Do you want to join me?"
"Sure." She led me upstairs to the balcony, leaving me to wait while she tucked in Spike.
'Jesus, it's cold. I wish I had warmer clothes.'
'You think we'll be able to see Twilight's nipples?'
'I-wha-no, you moron. Equines don't work that way.'
'Centaurs do.'
'Twilight isn't a centaur!'
'How d'you know? She might just be keeping it a secret.'
'I-that doesn't even-how are you so-urrg, Wrath can you just hurt him please?'
'Already am. I'm forcing him to think about cats.'
'Good. I know it doesn't change him but it's still satisfying to have him squirm.'
'I hate you both so much right now. They're all just staring at me. Hundreds and hundreds of cats. Damn our broken psyche!
"JD?" Twilight had shown up with the telescope and two mugs while I was conversing with myself. "I brought some hot cocoa, if you want some."
"Yeah, thanks." I grabbed the mug and took a sip before looking up at the stars. "You know, in my world you'd never have a night sky with so many stars. Not unless you're away from a city."
"We have the same problem in some of our larger cities. Light pollution. It doesn't affect us here in Ponyville since it's such a small town, but I know that the town will grow eventually. I suppose it's inevitable."
"Don't worry, I'm sure you'll figure out space flight sooner or later."
"Your species has space flight?" She asked, wide eyed.
"Yeah, but it's really expensive. Our greatest space achievement was landing and walking on the moon, but that was fifty years ago, and no real progress has been made since then."
"YOU LANDED ON THE MOON?!"
"Shush. You'll wake Spike." She blushed at her outburst. "And yes, we landed on the moon. But that was the result of a race between two of the world's larger nations. It was to relieve tension from the Cold War so they wouldn't destroy each other and bring about the end of the world."
She didn't say anything for a while. "That place is really bad, huh?"
I snorted. "You'd go insane from the horrors that my people can do to each other."
"How have you coped?"
"I didn't. Like most people I knew that all that stuff happened, but I just detached myself from the world so i wouldn't have to constantly think about how horrible my own species is. If they found a way here they'd try to enslave you or use your magic for their own goals, just like they tried to to in your ancient history. I'd like to give humans the benefit of ignorance, but I know the planet would be better off if we never existed." I finished off my cocoa with a large gulp. "But enough of that. Let's look at some stars."
She smiled. "Okay."
NEXT TIME: WHAT NOT TO DO IN PONYVILLE!
Author's Note
Sorry this one took so long guys. I've just been really exhausted from work the past few nights and couldn't get much done. I hope I'll be able to get at least one more chapter finished tomorrow, but for now it's 3 AM and I need to sleep. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Leave a comment, rate, or simply offer some criticism. Constructive or not, either is fine.
A Schizophrenic's Guide to Equestria
What Not to Do in Ponyville
Me and Twilight spent a good while looking at the stars that night. She explained how their Princess Luna controlled how people see the night sky, by dimming and brightening the light of the stars that penetrated the atmosphere, allowing her to create great works of art in the night sky, though the lack of consistency leads her to leave the sky as it is for a whole year before changing it, and makes sure the changes are only visible in Equestria. After all, what if a traveller was on the other side of the planet, and needed to use the stars to find his way home, only to discover they had changed the next night? Personally I found it weird as hell, but I didn't complain.
Next she pointed out a few of the many constellations. I have to say, it is much easier to see what they're supposed to be when there are more than a handful of bright dots to go off of. Luna's constellations are much brighter than other stars in the sky, making them more obvious, and what's more, they're more detailed. For example, Ursa Major here actually has the vague outline of a bear. We talked for hours about random things like the galaxy and other planets. She was also quite exuberant about the possibility of life on other planets, so we discussed fictional worlds, creatures and societies. Eventually it got late, and we fucked like rabbits for the rest of time. Our love was as messy as it was loud, attracting spectators from all corners of the globe.
One moment, having Wrath kill Ataxia. While he's at it, I'll continue the story from the morning after we said goodnight and both went to our respective, separate beds and nothing else of interest happened that night. That jackass is always trying to ruin my stories.
NOOOOO, I MUST CONTINUE BEING A GENERAL NUISANCE!
Too bad.
I woke atop the mattress that had been set up for me in the basement the previous day. While I was used to sleeping on the floor, it was never on a good mattress. I always woke up sore, uncomfortable, and as a result of that, pretty crabby. This time, I felt as if someone had been gently massaging my back the entire night. The mattress was so soft and comfortable that I could have sworn I was sleeping on a cloud. Though considering how the rest of this world worked, I wouldn't be surprised if it actually was. The best part, however, was that I didn't have a nightmare for the second night in a row. That hadn't happened in while, and hoped that didn't mean I was in for a really bad one tonight. I brushed the thought away and walked upstairs.
I opened the door and was hit by the unmistakable scent of pancakes. I made my way to the kitchen, and found Twilight and Spike sitting at the table, Spike boosted in a chair, and Twilight simply sitting on the floor.. The purple librarian looked up and smiled as I entered the room. "Oh, good morning, JD."
"Morninf." Spike mumbled through a pancake. She shot him a look before turning back to me.
"I hope you slept okay. The spare mattress is pretty uncomfortable." I stared at her for a little bit, expecting to see a sly smile, a hidden chuckle, or something else to indicate that she was joking. No such sign appeared.
"That was literally the comfiest thing I've ever slept on in my life. I feel like I've been given a new spine." I accompanied this comment with a stretch.
"Would you like some coffee?" she asked as I sat down on the ground with my legs crossed. I hadn't noticed before, but I seemed about the same height as Twilight when we're both sitting down. I suppose I would have been less intimidating at the party if I was squatting or sitting down.
"Yes please." She proceeded to use her magic to prepare me a mug of coffee and set it down in front of me, along with a plate of pancakes and some cutlery.
'Magic must be very useful. I can already think of a thousand small inconveniences it would remedy.'
'Like hiding a body?'
'Like replacing organs with fish?'
'On second thought I think I need to make sure I never get magic.'
"So, is there anything specific you were going to do today?" I asked as I drank. "I was planning on wondering around town, see the sights, do the whole 'terrorizing' thing that monsters are supposed to do to villages, and then probably get myself lost for a while."
"Well, I have to finish off some experiments today, but I'm sure Spike wouldn't mind keeping you company. Isn't that right Spike?"
Spike opened his mouth to speak before remembering to swallow what he had in it. "But Twilight, I was going to re-organize my gem collection today! You know I do that every Saturday!" Twilight raised an eyebrow.
"Spike, it's Thursday. You work on Thursdays. But if you don't want time off from work...."
Spike turned his head to me. "So like I was saying, first we'll go by all of our friend's places, give you the lay of the land and all that junk, and then just hang around town for a bit." I just chuckled and finished my breakfast.
Spike walked out the front door, neglecting to wait for me as I put on my shoes. "Come on, hurry up! Why do you even need shoes?"
"Unlike you, I don't have scales on my feet, so it tends to hurt if I step on something I'm not supposed to." I said back to him as I walked to the door. I stepped outside and noticed all the ponies look at me for a moment before continuing along with their daily routine.
"Huh. I guess the party Pinkie threw you got ponies more accustomed to you than I thought." Spike said as he watch people trying to ignore me. "I thought for sure they'd all run and hide." I shot him a look. "No, seriously, whenever something scary comes to town they all hide in their houses and barricade their doors and windows."
"So do you!" Twilight called from inside. Spike blushed and started to storm off. I laughed and closed the door behind me before I noticed something. I ran to catch up with Spike.
"You guys do realise how ironic it is to have a library made out of a hollow tree, right?" He ignored me and continued around a corner. "I'll take that as a yes."
I caught up to Spike a moment later. He moves really fast despite having little legs. "The first stop on the tour is Sugar Cube Corner!" He gestured up at a building that looked like it was made out of confectionery. For all I know, it could taste like it too. "Don't taste the walls. I've tried, it's just wood and paint. But regardless the Cake bakery is the best (and only) bakery in Ponyville! It is residence to the Cake family. You want to go inside?"
I shrugged. "I could always go for some donuts." We entered the store, the bell above the door tingling, and we walked to the counter. A motherly looking mare whose hair looked like frosting came out of a back room.
"Hello dearies, is there anything I can ge-oh my!" She looked up at me in shock before she calmed down and smiled at me. "Oh, you must be that new friend that Pinkie's been talking about! Nice to meet you, I'm Cup Cake, but everypony just calls me Mrs Cake."
I smiled back. "Nice to meet you, Mrs Cake." My eyes narrowed. "Wait, you know Pinkie?"
"Dear, every pony knows Pinkie. But more than that she lives AND works here."
I glared down at Spike. "You did this on purpose, didn't you?' He nodded. "She's right behind me, isn't she?" He nodded again, wearing the largest shit eating grin I've ever seen. "I did nothing to deserve this." I stated before Pinkie jumped on top of me and clung to my shoulders, hanging from my neck.
"Boo!"
"Ahhh." I deadpanned.
"What's wrong? Don't you like hugs?"
"Not when they're around my neck for extended periods of time, no."
"Too bad, imma hug you!" She squeezed tighter, but wasn't actually causing any hsrm. I sighed.
"Well I've got a new cape, apparently." I turned to Mrs Cake, who was trying to hold her laughter in. "I'll take one chocolate donut, strawberry sprinkles, please." She brought it out and put it in a paper bag before handing it to me. Or hoofing? No, I think I'll use handing. Sounds less weird somehow.
"First one's on the house, dear."
"That works out great for me, because I just realised that I've got no money." Spike chose what he wanted and paid for it, and we left. I just assumed that Pinkie was cleared to go on break. Wouldn't be surprised if this sort of stuff happens all the time.
"So where now?" I asked Spike.
"Where else? Carousel Boutique, the home of the beautiful Lady Rarity!" He declared, walking with more gusto than before.
"Let me guess," I said to Pinkie. "The building looks like a carousel, doesn't it?"
"Pretty much." I rolled my eyes and followed after Spike.
We arrived at the other side of town and, as predicted, Rarity's house had a carousel on the top. Don't know if it actually worked, but it was still there. We went inside.
Rarity came out of a back room and walked to the front counter. "Welcome to the Carousel Boutique, where-oh! Why hello JD, whatever brings you here?"
"I'm taking him on a tour of Ponyville!" Spike chimed in as he hopped up on the counter. "It's what any gracious and noble host would do, really." He slicked back his...fins?
"Oh, that is so kind of you, my little Spikey Wikey." She cooed and fawned over him like a mother hen, while Spike just stood there soaking up all her attention.
"Wow, he's got the bug really bad, hasn't he?" I whispered to Pinkie.
"I can't tell you, I Pinkie Promised." She whispered back. "But yeah, it's really obvious."
"You'd think it'd be easier just to let him down gently, instead of building him up."
"I think he knows it won't work out deep down, but there's no reason not to enjoy the present, is there?" Couldn't argue with that.
"Wish I had thought of that years ago."
'But then you wouldn't have us!'
'What a loss that would truly be.'
"Pinkie Pie, what in Equestria are you doing?" Rarity asked as she finally noticed that she was there.
"I'm a cape!" She replied with a grin. She looked at me.
"She's a cape." I confirmed. Rarity just shook her head.
"Well JD, if you are ever in the need of clothing, do feel free to come and see me."
My eyes shot open. "Actually, I just realised that I don't have any clothes other than these." I grimaced. "Oh god, I'e been wearing these for a whole twenty four hours."
"You also haven't showered since sometime before you got here." Said Spike.
"Yeah, you kind of smell." Pinkie exclaimed.
"Then why aren't you letting me go?"
"Because this is comfy."
While we were talking, Rarity gasped loudly, and looked aghast, turning pale. Paler. Somehow. "Oh, no that will not do! You are going upstairs right now and having a shower!"
"What? But I-"
"No, you are having a shower!" She quickly removed my cape and pushed me up the stairs by poking me with her horn, and continued until she shoved my into the bathroom and slammed to door shut behind me. I sighed. I had been doing a lot of that lately.
Almost an hour later I finished my shower. What's that you ask? That's a long time for a shower? You're right, it is. Unless that time includes searching Rarity's countless hair-care products for shampoo and conditioner. It is much much harder when you can't read any of the labels. I had to open everything and smell it and see what kind of textures the contents had before I found what I think were the ones I was looking for.
"JD, darling?" Called Rarity from outside the door. "Are you alright? You've been in there for quite a long time."
"I'm fine Rarity, I'm coming out now." I replied. "Just had some trouble finding the shampoo."
"Ah, yes, I'm sorry about that. Your clothes are ready, though, so come downstairs and try them on."
Confused, I said "But I don't have any clean clothes."
"So? Just come down naked."
I had to physically stop Ataxia from bursting out any saying any number of stupid things by punching myself in the head. "But then I'll be naked. In the middle of your store. With two girls right there. in the same room. looking at me. Naked."
"In case you hadn't noticed darling, ponies don't usually wear clothes all the time." I blinked. I hadn't actually noticed that.
'You are no longer allowed to have control.' I said to Ataxia.
'Aw, come on, I haven't even described in detail all the sexual acts I was going to do yet!'
"That may be the case, Rarity, but I am not a pony. Just give me my clothes, okay?"
"Alright, but I don't see what all the fuss is about."
'Oh please, you're probably the queen of fuss. Fuckin' hypocritical ponies.'
She opened the door slightly and levitated my clothes in to me. I grabbed them and shut the door. "Well, that was just rude!" Perhaps a bit too forcibly.
'Come on, just let it all hang loose! Relax once in a while! What's the worse that could happen?'
'You know damn well why' I said as I quickly got dressed.
I made my way downstairs with my old clothes in my arms and found them all staring at me. "What?"
"Oh nothing, Just another of Rairty's masterpieces!" Spike exclaimed as he gestured towards my outfit. I looked down, not having actually taken the time to look at what I was putting on. Luckily, I braced myself for nothing.
"it literally looks just the same as my other outfit. Not that it's a bad job, mind you....and now that I think about it, they fit better than my old ones. How'd you do that?" I asked Rarity. "You didn't even take any measurements."
"Oh I just have an eye for detail, is all."
"You made underwear in my exact size. That's pretty creepy, no matter how good you are."
"Well, no matter. It's the least I can do. And don't even think about paying!"
"Oh yeah, I keep forgetting I don't have money. I really need to get a job." I turned to Pinkie. "You know anyone who's looking to hire a six-foot tall primate who can't read, can't fly, can't use magic, doesn't know how much your currency is worth, and is a general screw up at anything more difficult than physical labor?"
She thought for a moment. "Applejack could always use help over at Sweet Apple Acres."
I nodded before turning to Spike. "Our next destination is Applejack's." He groaned.
"Aww, but we just got here!" I kept my face blank. I wanted to say something snarky or sarcastic but he said it so seriously all I could do is stare.
Thankfully Rarity stepped in to save the day. "Now now, Spike. You made an obligation to show our new friend around town, and it would be ungentlemanly of you to back out of it. You can always visit me later." Spike softened.
"Of course, Rarity. You're right, as usual. Come along, you two. We're off to Sweet Apple Acres!"
"Remind me to call you when he's being stubborn, " I whispered to Rarity. "Or if I need him in a Broadway play."
I followed Spike out the door, with Pinkie Pie bouncing along behind me. Rarity shut the door behind us as we left.
'Why are there so many line breaks?' asked Ataxia.
"Why are there so many line breaks?" asked Pinkie, at the exact same time.
'Oh god, there are two of them. I might kill myself.' I thought as I rubbed my temples.
"Uh,,,guys? I think Applejack might be in trouble." We looked at Spike who was pointing at the farm in the distance, which had smoke rising from flames that were spreading all over the orchard. We all started running as fast as we could.
NEXT TIME: WHAT NOT TO DO IN PONYVILLE: PART 2! TROUBLE ON THE FARM!
Author's Note
I was going to do this chapter in one big part, but I'll be spending the weekend at my mum's, and she doesn't have internet there, so I thought I'd give you the first half to tide you over. Vote, comment, insult my heritage, do whatever you like. Hope you enjoyed.
View Online
A Schizophrenic's Guide to Equestria
What Not to Do in Ponyville: Part 2, Trouble on the Farm!
We ran as fast as we could towards the farm, hoping to get there before the damage became irreversible. Because of his shorter legs Spike quickly started to fall behind, so Pinkie picked him up and placed him on her back. It looked cute, but we had more important things to worry about. As we got to the farm, we saw several ponies running around with buckets of water on their heads, fighting to put out the fires. I briefly noted that they have amazing balance before looking around for Applejack. I spotted her galloping towards the well to get more water and ran to catch up with her.
"Applejack! What happened?!"
She stopped and turned her head to me. "JD! Pinkie, Spike! Oh thank Celestia, we need more ponies to help put out the fires!"
"What happened?" asked Spike as he hopped down from Pinkie's back.
"Ah don't know, fires just started sprouting up all over! It was probably some no good teenage dragons lookin' tah cause trouble! No offence, Spike."
"None taken" He ran ahead and grabbed a bucket of water.
I turned to Pinkie. "Pinkie, you're a fast runner, right?" She nodded. "I need you to run as quickly as you can and get as many pegasi as you can, and get them to bring some clouds and make it rain on all the fires, okay?" She gave a salute before zooming away with a pink blur. I turned back to Applejack. "I'll help as much as I can util they get back." She nodded and I grabbed five buckets, two on each arm and one in my mouth, before I ran off to put out some fires.
I was down to my last bucket when a large herd...flock...formation? A bunch of pegasi flew over the farm with some rain clouds. They flew them over the flames across the farm and started jumping up and down on them like trampolines, causing rain to pour from them.
'Ponies are weird.'
'I agree, but things are certainly easier with them around.'
"Ah think that's all of em." Applejack said as she trotted over to me. "That was some quick thinkin', sending Pinkie to fetch the weather team. Ah'm glad ya did, too, otherwise we mighta lost more than half the crop."
"It was nothing. Pinkie was the one who went and got them, I just told her what to-"
"AAAAAAAGGGHH!" A scream sounded from deeper into the orchard.
Applejack's eyes widened. "That sounded like Applebloom!" We ran towards where the scream came from, dodging trees until we came to a clearing that seemed like half a dozen apple trees had been burnt completely to ash. My eyes darted to the centre.
'What.''The.' 'Fuck.'
In the centre Applebloom was cowering before something that, even in Equestria, the land of magical talking ponies that can literally control the passage of day and night, I never expected to see. It was a Houndoom. No, I don't mean it looked similar to a Houndoom, it was the actual fucking Pokemon Houndoom. And it was staring at Applebloom, looking very hungry.
Applejack was about to charge at it, but I held out my arm to stop her. "Don't. If you do that, you'll get the both of you killed." I whispered, as the ~~FUCKING REAL AS SHI-~~ Houndoom hadn't noticed us yet. "I'll go in there and draw it away from her, and while it's distracted you run in and get her out of here."
"What about you?"
"I'll be fine, just be ready." Not letting her try to argue with me, I grasped my bucket and ran into the clearing.
"Hey, dogbreath!" I yelled. It looked at me and growled, just before I trapped the bucket of water around it's snout. "Now Applejack!" Thankfully she didn't hesitate and ran in, picked up her sister and ran back out. The bucket didn't last long, however, and the Pokemon blew it apart with a fireball. It growled at me angrily as smoke rose from it's nostrils. I smiled.
'Well Wrath, you've always said you could take a Pokemon in a fight, now's your chance to prove it.'
'Hahahahahah! FINALLY! And I get to kill it too?'
'Maybe. We'll see how it goes. Just try to knock it out for now.'
HAHAHAH! 'This is the best day ever!'
'A Wild Houndoom Appeared! What will Wrath do?'
Wrath took control. "I think I'll start with something simple." He ran straight up to it, dodging the fireball it shot at us, and punched it square in the chest. It got knocked back a couple of feet, but it didn't seem to do much damage. "Tough guy, huh?"
'Wrath used Pound! It wasn't very effective...'
The Houndoom charged at us, but Wrath jumped, and spun himself in the air as he grabbed it's horns, throwing it into the sky. It actually got fairly high before falling back down and crashing into the ground. I quickly got back up, but it was clearly hurt.
'Wrath used Seismic Toss! It was super-effective!'
Wrath attempted to get a punch in, but the Houndoom dodged it, before biting us in the arm, puncturing the skin deeply.
'Wrath used Mach Punch! But it missed! The Houndoom used bite! Critical hit!'
'I'm really glad we can't feel pain when Wrath's in control.'
"Would you two shut up?" He threw the Pokemon off of our arm. It landed near the edge of the clearing. "I've got an idea." He grinned evilly. He charged straight at the Houndoom. It blew a large amount of flame at us, but Wrath just ran straight through it like it wasn't there.
He picked it up by the front paws and started swinging in circles, going faster until he got near the trees, at which point he slammed it into one of them. It fell to the ground and stayed still, save for the rise and fall of it's chest.
'Wrath used Vital Throw! It was super-effective! The wild Houndoom fainted! Wrath gained 2000 experience points!'
"What, no level up? What a rip off."
We turned around to leave back the way we came, but five more Houndoom jumped into the clearing and advanced on us.
"Hey, that isn't fair! Pokemon X and Y don't come out for two and a half months! Horde battles aren't a thing yet!"
They didn't take notice of his complaints, and all charged at once. Fortunately, a large rain cloud appeared overhead and drenched the five Pokemon, stopping their assault. Twilight and Applejack ran into the clearing, and Rainbow Dash flew in from above. I took control back from Wrath as the hoard of Houndoom backed up a bit, liking their odds less.
"Hey girls, these things are dangerous. Make sure to hit hard and then quickly get out of their way, otherwise you'll end up as a spit-roast." They grimaced at the imagery, and were about to charge the Pokemon, when all of their heads looked behind them in response to something we couldn't hear. Before we could do anything, all five of them glowed an ominous dark purple before disappearing. Twilight turned to me.
"James, what were those-oh my Celestia, James what happened to you?!" She yelled as her eyes widened. I wondered why she was using my full name for a moment before looking down at myself. As I examined the bite wound and large burn mark on my chest, I realised that I could feel pain again.
"Oh Jesus, that hurts like hell!"
'You wuss.'
"And I only got these clothes from Rarity just earlier! Good going you idiot, running straight into it's flame-thrower." I said as I hit my head with my good arm. I felt a hoof at my side and looked down to see Twilight looking at me, worried.
"Come on, James. We need to get those wounds looked at." She leaned herself against my leg. I was confused as to why, but I realised that Wrath had snapped one of our ankles during the fight, and the pain was just mingling with the rest of my body's agony.
"Damn it." I supported myself against her and we all made our way back, Twilight levitating the unconscious Houndoom behind us.
"I can't believe you fought that thing all by yourself! And did it really breath fire?"
"No, Rainbow Dash, I saw a tree on fire and decided to hug it to make it feel better." After we got back to the front of the farm we all rested in the barn. Everypony was trying to ask me questions, but Rainbow Dash kept butting in. She was about to ask another question, but thankfully Twilight cast a spell and made a zipper appear over her mouth. "Thank you." I sighed.
"So what were those things?" She asked as she pulled the brash pegasus out of the way.
"They are called Houndoom. They hunt in packs, eats smaller creatures for food, and yes, breath fire."
"Are they common in your world?"
"Nope. They don't even exist. They're fictional."
Twilight turned to look at the unconscious Pokemon trapped inside a transparent purple cube. "That doesn't look very fictional to me."
I nodded. "I can only assume that when I was sucked into this world, things from other worlds were also sucked in. In this case, a pack of Houndoom."
"I don't think we should keep it locked up." Fluttershy said, and even though she said it softly, everybody's heads shot straight to her. "It was probably just scared and didn't mean it."
Rainbow spoke up as she managed to unzip her mouth somehow. "Uh, no offence Flutters, but they almost burnt down Sweet Apple Acres, and THIS one actually tried to eat Applebloom. That doesn't seem like they were afraid."
"Actually," I said. "You're both right. They probably didn't choose to attack the orchard by themselves, which means that it isn't really their fault. It's their trainer's fault." They just looked at each other an shrugged their shoulders at the same time. "Okay, look, in the world where they came from, Houndoom are a species of Pokemon, of which there are a wide variety of, some amazing and powerful, others small and cute. But almost none of them are inherently evil, they only attack when threatened.
"A trainer is a human who raises Pokemon. They catch them in devices called Pokeballs, which allows for a bond to grow between them. Some people keep them as pets, but others like to pit their Pokemon against other trainers Pokemon in battles in order to strengthen their bond and Jesus Christ when did I turn into Professor Oak?" I shook my head. "Okay, long story short, they wouldn't have done what they did unless they were told to by their trainer."
"Which means that we've got to find this guy and kick his flank before he can strike again!" Rainbow Dash declared.
"Yeah, pretty much. Unfortunately, we have no idea where he could be, and if he can teleport his Pokemon, then they can strike anywhere. Twilight, will you contact the princess and tell her that Equestria should be put into alert?"
"On it!" Called Spike from Twilight's back. He pulled some parchment and a quill from the saddlebags at Twilight's sides and started writing.
"Make sure she knows how dangerous these things are. If their flames burn you, they hurt forever." I rubbed my bandaged chest. "Usually." Fluttershy insisted that she wrap me in some special healing bandages, but all of my wounds had already completely healed by the time we got to the barn. Even my broken ankle. Have you ever felt a bone break? Now imagine it doing that in reverse. It feels just as painful.
'Still need to figure out why I heal so fast.'
'Why do you care? All we need is someone to turn our bones into adamantium and we're practically Wolverine!'
'Yeah, I don't really mind being unable to die. It allows me to end the lives of more things.'
"Ah reckon we aughta figure out what made ya'll come to Equestria in th' first place. The way Ah see it, whatever caused it is responsible for what happened...and what almost happened..."
I nodded. "There's no human technology that I'm aware of that's capable of creating rifts in space-time that are capable of traversing alternate realities, but the laws of physics are different here. Not to mention that two different creatures coming from two different universes into the same universe at roughly the same time makes it seem like it's something that is centred here. You girls wouldn't happen to know any bad-guys with god-like reality controlling powers with a penchant for causing mischief and creating chaos would you?" I joked.
They all just looked awkwardly at each other. I pointed at them accusingly. "Oh no you don't! I know what you're doing! I refuse to believe that! You don't get to have magic, wings, dragons AND a Q, that just isn't fair!" I leaned back on the hay I was resting against.
"Should I ask Celestia to send over Discord?" Spike asked.
"Did somebody call my name?" asked an echoing voice that seemed to come from everywhere. Before we could say anything a blinding white flash filled the room, and when it disappeared a tall...something was standing in the centre of the barn. It seemed to be composed of several different creatures. It's head somewhat resembled a horse, but atop it laid two mismatched horns, one seemed to be from a stag, and the other from some kind of Chinese dragon. It had a-
"Yes yes, enough exposition, they all know what I look like! You, on the other hand...." It looked me up and down. "You are something I haven't seen in a good long while, even for something like me."
I ignored that and focused on the much more pressing matter. "Oh come on! You have a Q, AND it sounds EXACTLY like John De Lancie? Why the hell does my universe suck so damn much?!"
He chuckled. "Well that explains it. You're from another universe. I was wondering why a human was here, considering you all fought your way into extinction. Oh, they truly knew how to cause trouble! I've always missed them, to be honest."
"Enough o' this jibber-jabber!" Yelled Applejack as she stepped between us, before pointing at Discord. "You! Ah want to know why you're causin' all this here trouble!"
He blinked, seemingly confused. "Me? I don't know what you're talking about."
Applejack stomped her hoof down. "Enough o' your lies! I can barely stand you on a good day, but ah ain't toleratin' it today! Not if one of your thoughtless shenanigans was the reason mah little sister almost got eaten by a monster!"
Discord glared at her. "One of the things I have never done, and will never do, my dear Applejack, is kill. Not even indirectly. Despite what Celestia might have you believe, I am not that cruel. And in answer to your accusations, no, I have no idea where those things are now, and nor am I the reason they are here. As amazing as I know you think I am, I don't have power over everything. Your new friend here is one of those things." He gestured to me.
As usual, I was a part of two separate conversations. I've gotten used to keeping them that way, but I get no help from the other two. All they do is talk over everyone. This time was no different.
'So let me get this straight. We are currently in the same room as a reality controlling god like figure, who makes a habit of screwing with lessor creatures, and sounds exactly like John De Lancie.'
'Yeah it's pretty cool. Your point?'
'Why aren't we giving him sexual favours? I mean, he is everything I aspire to be! Move over Pinkie Pie, I'm in love with Discord!'
'You fell in love with a squirrel last week because it shat in some guys sandwich while he wasn't looking. And I mean actual romantic, "I want to marry and have sex with that" love.'
'I fail to see your point.'
I shushed them both as I noticed Discord studying me intently, with his hand on his chin. "Uhhhh....what?"
He snapped out of his concentration. "Huh? Oh, nothing. You just have an awful lot of voices in there." My eyes widened and my jaw slackened as I tried to form a coherent response, but he just shrugged. "Oh well, I'm sure it isn't important. But oh my, look at the time! I had best be off!" He floated off the ground for a short distance before stopping. "Oh, before I forget." He snapped his talons somehow. The letter in Spike's hands flashed in a white light, and was suddenly a bird made out of paper. And there were over a hundred of them. Another flash and they were gone.
"What did you do?!" Twilight yelled at him. "That was an urgent letter to the Princess!"
Discord just rolled his eyes. "I know that, genius. I sent it to her. Now it's just in the form of a hundred paper birds. One for each word in the letter. And they will all be flying around her study, screaming their word over and over until she can catch them all and put them into order. Toodles!" He disappeared in a flash of light before Twilight could protest further. Instead she just groaned. I felt a breeze and looked down at myself.
"Damn it, when did I get naked?!"
'I love that guy so much.'
NEXT TIME: A TRIP TO CANTERLOT!
Author's Note
Here's the second part for you guys. I had a relaxing weekend, if a bit boring. I'll start working on the next chapter tomorrow, but for now it's 12:40 in the morning and I have work tomorrow, so goodnight. Rate, comment, devise theoretical faster-than-light engines and inter-dimensional portals. I won't steal them, I already have my own.
A Schizophrenic's Guide to Equestria
We were all back at in town a short while later, me being significantly less naked than before. Rarity must have made extra copies of my outfit after I left, because she came over with one almost immediately. After that we all decided to go somewhere while we waited for Celestia to decode what I dubbed the Screeching Bird Puzzle. Discord probably made them immune to magic as well, the clever bastard. Naturally, everyone wanted to go somewhere different.
"Why don't we just meet up later? I really need to stretch my wings," said Rainbow Dash, whilst flying around in loop-de-loops.
"Yeah, Twi', as much as ah want an explanation for all this, ah really aught to be helping Mac and th' others tryin' ta fix the apple trees."
"I'm sorry girls, but I need everyone together when the Princess replies to my letter, and we might need to go meet with her right away. Having to look around town for everypony takes too much time in an emergency," replied Twilight, who was levitating the purple cube that contained the unconscious Houndoom. "And Fluttershy, do we really have to bring this thing into town with us? Who knows what'll happen when it wakes up."
Fluttershy shook her head. "Oh, no, I wouldn't want him to damage Sweet Apple Acres even more. And he might be hurt, so I need to watch over him."
"No offence, darling, but it did try to eat a filly a small while ago," said rarity carefully, trying not to upset the pegasus. "Even you must draw a line somewhere."
"That may be, but-"
"CAAAAARTWHEEEELS!" Screamed Pinkie, as she cartwheeled around the group several times for literally no reason.
I, meanwhile, was nearby, repeatedly bashing my head against a lamp post, hoping for some kind of haemorrhage to knock me out. All it did was add to the headache I was gaining. After ten seconds of overlapping bickering, and cartwheels, I had had enough.
"All right, all of you shut up!" I yelled. All of them stopped mid-sentence, including Pinkie Pie who froze mid-cartwheel. "I'm going to go to the library and watch movies on my computer. If you are willing to keep quiet, then you may join me."
I stormed off down the street for a little bit before stopping and turning back to them. "I forget the way to the library."
Back at the tree library (which is still sadistically ironic) the six ponies and dragon sat around the main room of the library as I set up the projector and speakers. Despite not having any way to connect them, as soon as I put my computer near the other technology, a small stream of electricity started to flow between them, somehow causing them to interact and work together. "Convenient ass Deus Ex Machina computer." I didn't worry about it, despite how easily this could be leading to some Terminator type of situation. The projector started up and brought the image of my desktop onto the wall. Twilight cast a quick spell to draw all the curtains and turn off all the lights.
"All right, ladies and gentlemen. Pick whatever you want." I said as I brought up my folder full of movies. They all stared at the "screen" for a moment before turning back to me, all with deadpan expressions on their faces. "What?"
"We can't read your crazy language, you dork!" I blinked.
'People still say dork?'
'Wait, don't say anyt-'
"Sorry, I forgot. What kind of movie do you want to watch?"
"Something with action!"
"Something romantic!"
"Something intellectual!"
"Something scary and funny!"
"Somethin' with a cowpony."
"Something with dragons!"
"Um...something with animals would be nice?"
'Urrgh...tried to warn you.'
I face-palmed. "And then all of a sudden I was playing Jeopardy. I really need to start listening to myself." I scrolled down through the movies. "We're going with Fluttershy's choice. Mostly because she's the cutest, but also because I have something good that falls under her category." I found what I was looking for, ignoring the looks I was receiving and the pegasus that was trying to shrink into the floor and hide behind her mane. Oh shut up, you know I only told the truth. "Ah, here we go. Lilo & Stitch. It's supposed to be a family movie, but I still enjoy it. And yes, Rainbow, it has action too." She hoof-pumped as I clicked open the movie.
"So, tell me, my little one-eyed one, on what poor, pitiful, defenceless planet has my monstrosity been unleashed?"
Rarity turned to me as the Hawaiian song began. "Darling, I thought you said this film was about animals?"
"It is. Technically. People THINK it's a dog, at least. Now shush."
She rolled her eyes before turning back to the screen.
"Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind. But if you want to leave, you can," Lilo said as Stitch picked up his book and walked towards the window, placing it on the windowsill. He crawled out of the window, taking the book with him. "I'll remember you though." She looked at the picture of her family for a moment, before placing it under her pillow and resting her head on it. "I remember everyone that leaves."
Twilight was sitting next to me and turned to look at my face."James, are you crying?" She whispered. I gently pushed her face back towards the screen.
"Shush."
The movie ended, and the credits rolled. Rarity applauded...I think. She stomped her front hooves onto the floor in a rhythm similar to clapping at least. "Bravo! That was simply wonderful! Absolutely splendid! You have superb choice in films, darling." She directed her last comment to me.
"Yeah, that was way cooler than I thought it'd be. Not as cool as Daring Do, but not as bad as I thought it'd be. You guys are all right." I wasn't sure what that was, but I could tell it was high praise coming from Rainbow Dash." I waved my hand at them.
"Nah, it was just one of the first movies I saw as a kid. It just withheld the barrier of time. And reality. And culture. If fact I'm surprised you liked it at all, considering how different we are."
"I liked it." Fluttershy spoke as she smiled. "I particularly enjoyed that it was about something mean becoming good after he found where he belonged. It reminds me of a friend I made recently."
Pinkie jumped out of....the side of my vision, grinning widely. "Yeah, and it was super-duper funny!" Her grin fell. "But also super-duper sad, sometimes." Her grin came back, wider than before. "But then it got better, and was super-duper sweet!"
"I liked how they worked Stitch's status as a genetic experiment into his character. It felt really natural." Twilight pitched in beside me.
I grinned. "Well, if you like stories that deal with existential issues and the failings of the psyche, then you'll love this next one. It gets a little macabre towards the middle, but it has romance, comedy, an animal, an explosion, he punches a guy, goes insane for a little bit, all the good stuff. It is, in my opinion, literally the best movie that ever has been made, and ever will be made, not only in my world, but in every reality where the laws of physics allow for movies to be created."
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "So I guess you like it, huh?"
I squinted and brought my thumb and forefinger close together. "Just a tad. I'll find it and put it on."
"Uh, as much as I'd like to watch another movie," Spike spoke up. "But the Princess has replied to your letter, Twilight."
Twilight whirled her head around so quickly it looked like it almost broke off. "What?! When?! I didn't see you deliver it!"
He scratched his head and chuckled nervously. "Ehehe....half an hour ago when I went to the bathroom?" He winced instantly at the glare she was giving him. So did I, actually. Her irritation was literally palpable. It tasted like ash and lemons. "I'm sorry, I just really wanted to watch the rest of the movie. Please don't turn me into anything." He cowered as he held out a scroll embedded with a golden seal. She grabbed it out of his claw and opened it before reading it out loud.
"'To my faithful student,
I apologise for the briefness and tardiness of my reply, but I managed to extract enough detail from your letter to tell that something is wrong, Please head out for Canterlot as soon as you receive this message. If Discord feels the need to intervene in our communications, then it must be important.
Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia.'" Twilight's glare doubled in intensity. She shook her head. "Come on, girls, lets get going. Spike, you stay here and re-organise the library." They all left the room one by one, leaving me alone with a very sheepish dragon. "James, are you coming?" She called back at me.
I turned to Spike as I walked out of the room. "Do not go on my computer. There are things in there that will mentally, and maybe even physically, scar you for the rest of your life." I left the room before poking my head back in a second later. "THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!" With that I left the library, chasing after the others.
"So how are we getting to Canterlot?" I asked as I looked up at the city built onto the side of the looming mountain. "Seems a bit far to walk."
"We're taking the train, duh." Mocked Rainbow, rolling her eyes. "They realised that not all the pegasus chariot pullers were as awesome as I am, so they built a train to lighten their loads!" I stared at her for a moment before shifting my view to Twilight.
"The Princess had it made to commemorate our defeat of Discord. But yes, she did feel that chariots were too slow a method of transportation if we need to get to Canterlot quickly in an emergency, and so the Friendship Express was born."
I scrunched up my nose at the strange name."How'd you beat that guy, anyway? Seems to me he could just turn everyone into toads, or something."
"He can. He even took away our magic and wings for a short while, too. Luckily for us, he likes to mess with people, manipulating us in order to get what he wants instead of outright using his powers to defeat us. I don't know if it was his ego, or he just liked not being certain what the outcome would be, but he got overconfident. He practically just stood there as we used the Elements on him."
"Yeah, he does seem like the kind of guy who prefers a bit of showmanship. What did the Elements do to him anyways? Because if they reformed him to be like this, then I'd hate to see what he was like before."
She shook her head. "Oh no, that was only just last week. We first fought him one and a half years ago. The Elements turned him into stone when we used them on him."
I winced. "Damn. That must have hurt a lot." She grimaced, and looked up.
"Oh, hey, we're here! I'll buy the tickets." She walked off to the ticket booth. I followed her.
"Really? They build a railway AND a train in your honour for defeating an impossibly powerful enemy, and they still make you pay to use it?"
"I don't like feeling different from other ponies." She mumbled, blushing a little. I rolled my eyes and shrugged as she stepped up to the booth.
The mare in the booth looked up from her newspaper and smiled at Twilight. "Hello, Miss Sparkle. Off to visit Canterlot again so soon?"
Twilight shook her head. "No, me and my friends have official business. Six mares and...." She turned around and looked around before sighing loudly. "We forgot the Houndoom."
"Don't worry about it, I'm sure it's fine."
"This isn't good." Spike said as he watched the previously asleep Houndoom bashing against the side of his magical cage. "I really hope that thing will hold. If not..." He gulped. "I'm in trouble."
The ticket pony spoke up. "So that'll be six mares and one...?" She left the question hanging as she looked me up and down. "Pet?"
"Newborn omnisex gorillape." I deadpanned, earning me a smack on the arm from Twilight.
"He's just joking, One adult male." She said as she laughed nervously.
'That reminds me. She and Flutterbutt totally saw our junk when we were passed out the other day.'
'Twilight's a scientist and Fluttershy is...a vet. Damn, we might be a pet after all.'
'What, you didn't notice everyone staring at us this morning?'
'I was preoccupied at the time!
'Preoccupied thinking disturbingly sexual thoughts about Discord and a bathtub full of Nutella.'
'Yeah, and?'
I opted to ignore their bitching and sighed before wondering around the station. I looked at the train we were supposed to ride. "That thing is so effeminate I can literally feel the testosterone being slowly drained from my body." The train dubbed "The Friendship Express" looked like it had been pulled straight out of a toy commercial, just larger, and functional.
"Yeah, it ain't exactly how Ah would've designed it myself," Said Applejack as she walked up beside me. "But if that's what they reckon represents our friendship, who am Ah ta argue?"
"Someone with good taste."
*TOOOOOT TOOOOOT* "ALL ABOARD!" Twilight passed the tickets out among us before we clamoured onto the train. Thankfully, the inside was less repellent than the outside. I took a seat next to the window, hoping to get a good view of the place from up the mountain. Twilight sat down next to me. The others all got seated and immediately started chatting about what they'd do in Canterlot after we meet with the princess. Me and Twilight, however, were content to simply sit in silence with no chitchat whatsoever.
"So...how do you like Ponyville so far?" Yeah right, silence. Could you imagine?
"Apart from the fire-breathing death-dogs and Pinkie's utter lack of regard for other people's concepts of physics? It's not bad." She giggled a bit.
"Yeah, she can be pretty confusing." Her smile dropped suddenly, as if remembering something. She looked at me. "Hey James....I know you said you didn't have anything left in your world. I was just wondering what happened to your family." And then this conversation comes up. It always does, eventually, and I don't much care for it, but I knew it was inevitable, so I had mentally prepared for it.
"Nothing happened. We just don't see each other very much." She looked me in the eye, not buying a word of my bullshit. Commendable, but irritating.
"James I know you have trouble letting people in for some reason, but I want you to know that I'd never betray your trust. You may not think of us the same, but we think of ourselves as your friends. I think of you a a friend, particularly after what you did today. You can talk to me about anything you need to." She placed a hoof on my shoulder.
"Well I think you should keep your nose out of other people's business! " We hissed at her. I wish I could say it was just Wrath saying that, but I know that isn't what happened. Twilight's hoof flinched away from me as if I hit her, and stared down at the floor, clearly crestfallen. I sighed as I calmed down.
I placed a hand on her back and spoke softly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you, you didn't do anything wrong. The short story is that I'm a jackass who doesn't like talking about himself." She looked up at me. Sad pony eyes are the worst things I have ever seen in my life. Naturally, being the pansy that I am, I relented to them. "If you want, I'll tell you some stuff about me. About my family, about my lack of friends, whatever you want to know. Just not right now; and somewhere where there are less prying ears." I said, staring pointedly at Pinkie, who was very conspicuously trying to listen in on our conversation.
Twilight brightened up a bit and smiled at me. I smiled back before shifting my view to the window. We were halfway up the mountain by now. I could see Ponyville spread out below. I saw a flash of purple light come from deep in the forest behind the town, but figured it was just Twilight's reflection.
As we walked around Canterlot I had one thing on my mind, and did not bother to keep it hidden. "Holy shit, can your nose even go that far up your own ass?" If the ponies of Ponyville thought I was unusual, the ponies here were acting as if I were some kind of monstrous freak. I know that I technically was, but that doesn't change that it was rude. Stupid snobs.
"Ah agree, ah can barely stand Rarity by herself. Bein' around so many hoity-toity ponies at once makes me feel kinda unwelcome." Rarity pouted at Applejack's remark, but made no comment. We continued on through the bustling city, past store fronts and businesses towards the palace, glimmering light orange in the afternoon sun. We walked up the sizeable staircase towards the entrance of what could only be the throne room. One of the guards saw me and stepped forward, prepared to attack, but stopped when he saw twilight and the others.
"Hello Miss Sparkle. The Princess is waiting to see you and your...friends." We walked past him into a huge as hell room. We made our way to the other side as quickly as we could.
"Princess!" Twilight called out to a rather large pony facing away from us. She turned towards the voice and showed that she was pure white with a horn and wings, with a rainbow mane, similar to Dash's, but lighter in hue. Her mane and tail were also billowing in some unfelt wind. She looked at Twilight with a smile as she ran towards her, but her face dropped into shock when she focussed on me. Before Twilight even reached her, she was gone in a bright yellow flash, appearing right in front of me, facing away, with her rear legs raised.
'Well, this'll be fun.'
I couldn't disagree more as I felt her surprisingly strong hooves connect with my chest, hurtling me back against a wall, where I slumped down. The princess teleported again, this time re-appearing with her horn against my throat. I looked up her and blinked.
"I don't suppose you could wait until after dinner to kill me? I'm starving."
NEXT TIME: IT COULD HAVE GONE WORSE.
Author's Note
Hey guys. The Youtube videos don't have any real reason to them, just felt like trying out the feature. Plus they add to the ambiance, so that's something. I'll start work on the next chapter tomorrow. For now I need to sleep. Rate, subscribe, and force your friends to do the same. Seriously though, I wouldn't mind a few more people reading it. Goodnight, guys.
A Schizophrenic's Guide to Equestria
So. The mare who rules Equestria, is Twilight Sparkle's mentor, and who also, apparently, has enough magical power to literally control the sun, just kicked me into a wall and is pressing her horn against my neck. Not the best introduction in the world. Normally in this kind of situation I'd either run or fight, but with her magic and my broken bones I doubted I'd get very far.
'I wonder if she'll boil us alive with our own blood. Ooh, or maybe she'll just make us explode? And I bet she could actually send us to the surface of the sun! I've always wanted to go there.' Obviously, Ataxia, was not as concerned about the situation as I was. In fact, the only time he really seems to even try to stop us from being hurt is when Wrath is the one causing it. Though I'm sure that's just because it pisses him off to no end.
"Princess, what are you doing?!" Shouted Twilight from across the room.
"Do you have any idea what this thing is, Twilight?!" Celestia screamed back at her, sharp eyes still on me, looking quite deranged.
Twilight flinched at the tone her mentor was using. "Y-yes. He's a human. He told us himself."
"Do you know what they are? What they've done?!" Her eyes were watering, and she was speaking through gritted teeth.
"W-well, the books that I've read don't really go into detail, but they tried to conquer Equestria?" She was inching closer to us, careful not to aggravate her further.
"Not just Equestria, the entire world. They did something awful during that time." Her eyes had softened and had calmed down considerably. I interjected with my own two cents.
"What harm could a bunch of monkeys with some sharp sticks do against something like you?" It turns out that I may be borderline retarded. Celestia's eyes sharpened in an instant, and jammed her horn back into my throat, harder than before.
"What harm? WHAT HARM?! You killed my entire race! All the Alicorns! Mares! FOALS! MY ENTIRE FAMILY! The only ones left were me and my sister! You destroyed our entire civilization!" She was glaring at me really hard. I knew that if I said the slightest thing to upset her, I'd be dead.
"Oh. That's pretty bad." Personally, as I recall these events, I'm under the impression that I literally did not have a brain. No other explanation can rationalize my stupidity. She pulled her horn back from my neck and pointed it at my face, before it started to glow a sickening purple-green.
'Welp, I guess we're gonna die. I suppose the largest shock about this is that I'M the one who caused it. Thought for sure it would be one of you.'
'I know, man. You fucked up big time.'
'Hey, you two, shut up! I know what to do!'
'What.'
'That's impossible, you don't know how to know things.'
'No time, just shut up and let me do it!' I mentally shrugged. There was literally nothing he could do to make this situation worse for us. I feel my eye twitch as he takes control. The instant he does, he leans forward and licks up the length of the top half of Celestia's horn. Death is seeming that much more pleasant all of a sudden. Surprisingly, the aura around her horn dissipates and she takes a few steps backwards in utter shock, wings flared out behind her. Ataxia smacked our lips.
"Not bad. Tastes a bit like kiwi fruit." I boot him out of control and look around at the others. While the non-unicorns were still reeling from Celestia's little tirade, Twilight and Rarity were both blushing heavily. I kept myself from dwelling too much on how Ataxia most likely just sexually assaulted their ruler. Twilight came to her senses first and teleported in between me and the princess.
"Princess don't hurt him! I-I didn't know what humans did all those years ago, but James isn't like that! He isn't even from this world! What happened back then isn't his fault!" Celestia snapped out of her confusion (HA ) and looked between Twilight and myself, studying us for a moment before bowing her head.
"You're right, Twilight. I shouldn't have let the wounds of the past seep into my judgement...or my actions. I'm sorry you all had to see that." She turned around and started towards a doorway close to her throne. "If you'll excuse me, I need some time alone." She disappeared down a hallway, footsteps faded away. Yes, I know she doesn't have feet. I just don't care for pony terminology.
Twilight turned around and tried to examine me, but Fluttershy rushed in first. I had three cracked ribs and a nasty head wound, but they were healing quickly like always. I managed to convince her not to wrap me up in bandages for the time being, at least. I turned back to Twilight, only to find myself being slapped by a white hoof. I was just impressing all the ladies that day, it seems. "Okay, I know I deserve that. Which part was it for?" I said as I rubbed my cheek, gently pushing Fluttershy away to keep her from inspecting it.
"Well, it was clearly for your uncouth behaviour towards the Princess! I mean, you can't just touch somepony's horn like that! I'm all for spontaneity in romance, but there's a time and a place! You should have taken her out for dinner at least three times first." Everyone shot an eyebrow up at Rarity.
"Yeah, I'm sure I'd have a great chance of wooing her from hell. Because that's where I'd be. Dead." I really hated admitting that. I know Ataxia will never let me live that down. I got up on my feet and rolled my shoulders.
"Ah can't believe you're standin' after getting bucked like that, and by a Princess at that." Giggity. "Ah reckon she's prob'ly stronger than me an' Big Mac combined, an' we're pretty dang strong."
"What was it like? How'd it feel?" Rainbow Dash asked as she flew in my face, causing me to lean back against the wall.
"It felt like I just got kicked in the chest by a goddess, slammed against a wall, and nearly killed by some freaky ass magic. In retrospect, I'm probably doing better than any other person in my position. Thank god for this healing factor." Speaking of inexplicable phenomenon, the Pink Menace popped out from behind me, despite there being a wall there.
"So did her horn really taste like kiwi fruit?" she asked, instilling a fresh supply of blush on our unicorn companions.
I shook my head. "No, I think it was her magic that tasted like that. Kiwis, and something else...don't really know what. Also, I didn't know that horns had fur on them."
"I know! I find out weird stuff all the time! Like when I was a filly I tasted my tail, and it tasted like cotton candy! Now I make sure to keep it nice and clean, so I can taste it every day!" She was shaking her rear towards me. Ataxia tried to divert our eyes downward, so I punched us in the face.
"So is there somewhere we should be going?" I asked to distract them as I rubbed my cheek. "As much as I enjoyed meeting the princess, we didn't actually discuss the whole thing about rifts in reality spewing out dangerous monsters."
"Well the moon should be raising soon, so Princess Luna should be in the royal dining hall eating...breakfast." I gave her a questioning look. "Well she IS the Princess of the night. It makes sense that she's mostly nocturnal."
She led us away from the throne room and started off towards our destination. The palace had a design structure that reminded me of the Romans. The large walls of the hallways broke away, revealing various courtyards lit by torchlight, some with elaborate fountains and others with interesting statures. Naturally, Twilight explained everything about the architecture and history of everything we walked past. Or tried to, at least. Only Fluttershy and Rarity were really listening to her.
Rainbow was trying to teach me some fighting techniques in case I ever had to fight a flying enemy, but all of her manoeuvres required the user to also have wings. It was still fun to watch her flip about in the air, like my own personal air-show. Applejack was trying to rope me into helping her with harvesting the apple orchard. I guess since most ponies only come up to my waist, I suppose she was figuring that my height advantage would somehow be of help, but the way she described "apple bucking" she could shake all of the apples out of a tree using a single buck. Unless Celestia was deliberately holding back, I couldn't imagine her being stronger than the orange mare.
After that we walked in silence for a few minutes until I realised something. 'When did Pinkie stop talking?' I turned around and saw her pouting. Why do these ponies always have to be so cute? "Hey Pinkie, what's up? Aren't you excited about getting to taste the same food the princesses eat?"
"Well duh," she said, rolling her eyes. "It's gotta be the bestest tasting food ever! But I'm trying to come up with a party idea to help fix the Princess' sadness."
I raised an eyebrow. "You want to throw a party to help the princess feel better about losing her entire race thousands of years ago?" She grinned and nodded very quickly. "And you see nothing wrong with that line of thought?" Still grinning, she shook her head side to side just as quickly.
"Nopie dopie! A party fixes everything! It just has to be the right kind of party." I punched my forehead. A palm just wasn't painful enough.
"Pinkie, that isn't the kind of thing you can fix. Ever." She tilted her head and looked at me like I was crazy. I am, but she didn't know that.
"You can't? But everypony feels better when they're with friends."
"Well yeah, but feeling better doesn't fix what happened. It just makes you ignore the pain for a little while. It'll still come back."
"Oh yeah? Then I'll just throw her a different party every week until she's better." She went back to pouting cutely. I blinked repeatedly.
"Wow, she just tried to kill me and I feel sorry for her. Good job, Pinkie." She waved at me with a hoof, but didn't say anything. I couldn't even imagine the tortuous scenarios she was coming up with, so I hurried along to join Twilight in an attempt to distract myself. "So how far away is the dining hall?" I asked her.
"Actually, it's right through that door." She pointed to a large mahogany door at the end of the hallway.
"First of all, that was disturbingly convenient. Secondly, how didn't I notice that?" She just rolled her eyes and rudely ignored my rhetorical question. before walking up to the door and opening it with inwards. Inside was a long table lined with enough room to seat a hundred ponies. There were only a handful of them strewn around the table, however, each enjoying a very tasty and filling looking meals. You'd think that it'd be similar to a fancy restaurant with small portions and large bills, but I suppose the royal chefs were actually good about what they fed ponies. I was quite happy about this, as I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast, and almost dying twice tends to work up an appetite.
At the head of the table sat a mare similar in stature to Celestia. She had both a horn and wings, a dark blue coat, as well as a mane that shimmered like the reflection of the night sky in a lake. God, I really need to tone down on the sappy exposition if I don't want Wrath to beat me up. "Hello Princess Luna!" Twilight called out as she trotted up beside her, drawing the mare's attention away from her meal.
"Ah, good evening Twilight Sparkle. I trust the day has been forgiving to you and your...." she trailed off as she caught sight of me standing among the group. "...friends. Twilight, do you..."
"'Know what that is'?" She interrupted, and I tried not to feel indignant. Luna nodded. "Yes I do, he's a human, and he's our friend." She punctuated the last word with a stomp of her hoof. Luna raised an eyebrow at her before turning back to me.
"Please don't try to kill me." I said with my hands held in front of me. "Two near-death situations in one day is more than enough for me."
She ignores my quip and stood, sighing. "Does my sister know that you're here?"
"She a larger, whiter version of you, rainbow mane, tattoo of a sun on her butt, top of her head comes up to around my shoulder? Surface temperature of around 5778 degrees Kelvin?" She scowled at me. Madam Grump seems to not like jokes. At least it got a giggle from Twilight. "Yeah, I met her. She was one of those situations I mentioned."
She nodded and sat back down, and we followed suit. Turns out they don't sit on chairs, but rather pillows. They were comfy, but I was missing the back support. "Considering that you aren't a pile of ash right now, I assume you managed to calm her down."
Rarity turned her nose up at me looked away. "That is one way of putting it," she muttered as she poured herself a glass of water. I ignored her and turned to Luna.
"So what exactly happened? Between Alicorns and humans, I mean. Your sister didn't go into much detail before storming off."
She hesitated for a moment, seemingly unwilling to share the story, but told it regardless. "It is...difficult to remember. We were both quite young when the war started. Our mother had brought us to the newly formed Equestria to act as emissaries between our two lands. Neither of us had our Cutie Marks at the time, so we were more or less simply observing the proceedings as a part of out royal training. Once we had gotten word about the attacks on various cities in Ambrosia, our homeland, our mother rushed back to help, leaving us in the old Equestria capital, under the care of her good friend, Star Swirl." Twilight perked up at this.
"You knew Starswirl the Bearded?! What was he like? Is it true that he was the one who discovered the Elements of Harmony?" Twilight noticed that her loud voice was drawing everyone's attention, and shrunk down with an awkward smile and a cute blush.
Luna waited for her to calm down before continuing, smiling at Twilight's little outburst. "Yes we knew Star Swirl, but he wasn't very bearded back then. As I was saying, my mother entrusted him and his student, Clover the Clever, to watch over us as she saw to things back home. Unfortunately, that was the last time we saw her. The humans were naturally resistant to most magic, and used strange weapons that they couldn't defend against. They laid siege to the entire country, killing everypony within a matter of days." A gasp came from the rest of the ponies present, though Fluttershy's came out more as a sob. That confused me a bit, but I'd forgotten that death didn't seem to be as prevalent in their culture as it was in mine.
'Perhaps we shouldn't joke about death anymore. It probably makes then uncomfortable.'
'Boo!' 'Boo!'
'What, so you want me to just be an inconsiderate jerk all the time?'
'...duh. It's not our fault they're all pussies about the inevitable.'
'So are we! We just find it easy to joke about it.'
'No, that's just you. We don't really care. Seriously, I thought you'd know that by now. Wait, maybe we've forgotten again?'
'Yeah, we do forget a lot of stuff way too often.'
'Yeah I know, stop reminding me. I prefer blissful ignorance to depression, thank you very much.'
'We know.'
'It just gives us further reason to antagonise you.'
They started to piss me off, so I chose to ignore them and focus on Luna's story. "Shortly afterwards, as Twilight studiously asked, Star Swirl did indeed discover the Elements of Harmony. To this day neither I nor my sister know how, but he somehow managed to figure out how to work them. The Elements change according to who the most suitable ponies to bear them are. At the time, that was me and my sister, so they took the form of two crowns. Mine harnessed the Elements of Honesty, Loyalty and Laughter, while Celestia's harnessed the Elements of Magic, Generosity and Kindness. We used them against the humans. At that time, they had all fled their overcrowded homeland for a more pleasant life. That in itself is a good cause, but what they did to achieve it was despicable." I nodded. If anyone knew just how much of an ass-cancer humanity could be, it was me.
"When we used the Elements, it took away their magic resistance, and turned all of their strange weapons into rubble. They were defenceless. We didn't attack them, of course, but the humans had made some very powerful enemies, namely the dragons. Humans apparently used to see it as a matter of pride and honour if they were able to kill a dragon. Naturally, this made the dragons quite upset, but all they could do was hide. Not even the dragons were immune to the human weapons. Of course, once they realised that the humans couldn't fight back, they took revenge."
"Wait, couldn't you and Celestia have done something to help?" Twilight interrupted. "Made some kind of peace treaty, or used the Elements to protect them?" Luna shook her head.
"The Elements were designed to dispel unnatural disharmony and chaos. There was nothing they could do to prevent war, or death. As for me and my sister....our magic was currently the most powerful in the world, and together we could have protected the humans, but Celestia....didn't want to."
"B-but...why wouldn't she help? Sh-she didn't just let them all...you know..." Fluttershy whimpered quietly.
Luna nodded her head sombrely. "I'm afraid so. Please don't think badly of her because of it. We had just lost everything. Not only did they kill everypony, but in the few short years they had control of the country they destroyed all Alicorn culture. Every book, every painting, gone. All that was left were the pieces we had brought with us to Equestria as gifts. Despite her being older, I handled the situation far better than her. That whole period of her life was a dark one, and if she hadn't sought help and guidance, then I am positive that she would have become corrupted and fallen, just as I had when I became Nightmare Moon." I raised my eyebrow at the ridiculous name, but made no comment.
"I believe that she still holds some resentment towards humans, even after all this time. Of all the texts I have studied since my return, only one has mentioned them, and it did no more than name them, and present a brief summery of what they did."
"Ooh, was that Starswirl the Bearded's Unabridged History of Early Equestria?" Twilight called out, once again revealing her inner bookworm. I swore I was going to need an insulin shot sooner or later; these ponies are just too cute for my own good.
"Yes, that Is the book." Luna snorted and rolled her eyes. "Quite ironic that Celestia chose to keep that title, despite how much she omitted from modern copies while I was away."
"Well who could blame her? She obviously didn't want her subjects thinking of their ruler as a species annihilating potential she-devil. Things like that tend to hurt people in the public eye." Everyone around me turned and raised their eyebrows at me. "As hard as it is to believe, that actually wasn't sarcasm. Imagine if one of your princesses went nuts and had to be stopped. No offence, Luna." She gave me a nod. "Then, in the panicky years that followed, what if they read a book and found out the only princess they had left could suddenly turn evil as well if she suddenly regressed. There'd be utter chaos."
"Which would have freed Discord!" Twilight yelled.
Luna nodded in acknowledgement. "Yes, that is the reason she gave for altering what went into books. Considering that she wouldn't have been able to stop him without the Elements, it was perfectly justified. Besides, she still has all of the original texts in her private wing of the archives, all with a protection enchantment to prevent them from ageing, or becoming otherwise damaged. I'm sure she'd let you have access to it if you asked her." She directed that at Twilight, whose face filled with barely restrained glee. Seriously, I'm getting diabetes just remembering it. Too damn cute.
I leaned back and stretched. "So princess, what can we get for dinner? Whatever you're eating smells nice." She looked down at her forgotten meal and poked it.
"Well it WAS nice, but it seems to be cold now. Just as well, I had better go. Night Court will be starting soon. It was a pleasure meeting you...." She trailed off awkwardly as she stood up, realising that I hadn't given her my name. I simply smiled and waved goodbye.
This got me an irritated whack on the head from Twilight. "His name is James Douglas, Your Majesty."
I poked my tongue out at her. "Spoilsport."
Luna rolled her eyes, obviously used to this kind of behaviour, probably thanks to Discord. "Good night, James Douglas. I will send a waiter over. Pleasant dreams to you all." She walked away, but didn't leave before directing a unicorn stallion in a suit over to us.
"Hello sir and madams. What might I get you this evening?"
I looked to the others, but they were all looking at me, expecting me to choose first. If I wasn't so hungry I might have made a comment about ladies first. Except I was hungry and therefore had no energy to be snippy.
"Well what have you got?" I asked the waiter.
He sighed tiredly, as if it was a great effort to recite the meals. It wasn't my fault that they didn't leave out menus that I could actually read. No I don't care if that's an unreasonable thing to want, I was freaking hungry. "Tonight you have your choice between a hay dish, an alfalfa dish, and a beetroot dish."
I grimaced. "Oh god. I hate beetroot. I..I might just sit here and chew on my arm."
The waiter raised an eyebrow. "You can just order something else, sir."
"Mno fanpks." I mumbled from around my arm. "Mm gooph." Everyone apart from Pinkie face-hooved.
"What's that taste like?" She asked. I let my arm out of my mouth, smacking my lips.
"Not bad actually, if I'm honest. I should resort to self-cannibalism more often." I went back to my meal.
"Please tell me ya'll serve alcohol." Applejack asked, looking like she was developing a headache. I didn't care. I was delicious.
Author's Note
FINALLY! GOD! When I was almost finished this the freaking power went out, and I lost more than half of the bloody thing. Twice. My stomach almost literally imploded from anger. Anyways, show this fic to your friends, like it, favourite it if you want more, and comment. Seriously, I don't care what you comment about, I just like feedback. Oh, but if you see any mistakes or have any suggestions, post those first. I should also look for an editor, but I'm too lazy at the moment. Maybe later. Anyways, hope you enjoyed. Now to pass out.
inb4 "anyways" isn't a word
I don't care what spell check says, I aint changing my speech mannerisms.
A Schizophrenic's Guide to Equestria
The Worst Exposition in History
Turns out trying to eat my own arm 'disturbed' others in the room to the point of nausea, and I was forced to stop. Fortunately the chefs actually did know how to make a roast vegetable dish without any hay or alfalfa. It didn't taste as good as my arm, but it filled me up for now. I'd just have to continue my meal later in private.
Luckily the wait wasn't boring. For some reason, they actually did serve alcoholic drinks in the Royal Dining Hall. I expected something like wine, but the list Twilight read to me included everything from hard cider to Martinis (Maretinis, as she called them. Horse puns are the devil.) and pints of vodka. You read that right. Pints. Either the princesses have higher tolerance levels than me, or the whole "entire race being wiped out" thing wears them down more than they let show.
What shocked me more than the variety was the price. "We can order any and/or all of that, and it will be completely free? No hidden charges or angry bartenders sending thugs to try to break my thumbs?"
"Umm...yeeaaah." Twilight looked at me with worry mixed with a bit of confusion. I guess that wasn't a common threat among a species that had hooves. "None of that. Ponies kept wanting Celestia to give us some kind of reward, and we settled on free meals and rooms at the palace for us and our friends and family. I didn't really mind it since I already had those privileges because of my status as Princess Celestia's personal student," she rubbed the back of her neck and blushed while she said that, embarrassed at even her own praise.
I chuckled at her awkwardness for a moment and looked down at the menu before Wrath, Ataxia and I realised what she was getting at and started conversing quickly.
'Oh god damn it.'
'We're fucked.'
'Why must that purple pony be so damn smart!'
'Maybe we can pretend to be dead?'
'No, she wouldn't buy it.'
'Maybe we can actually be dead!'
'Not a bad idea, but we'd probably just heal right away. Maybe we can just run?'
'No, with their magic and wings, even I can't run fast enough to get away.'
'Jump off the city?'
'The edge is too far away.'
'.....'
'.....'
'.....yeah, we're fucked.'
I slowly turned back to Twilight, who smirked as she saw the look on my face, knowing that I knew. "You are cruel, mean, manipulative, and not very nice."
"You're just mad that I beat you." She was smiling the most smug-ass smile that ever existed. I just glared at her, wishing that I had just kept eating my arm and gotten thrown out. "So. Do you concede?"
I grumbled, and was about to refuse when I saw a waiter bring out a tray with a large glass filled with the most delicious mind numbing potion known to man or equine. I watched him for a couple of seconds before I turned back and sighed heavily. I held out my hand and she placed her hoof in my palm. "Yes."
She raised an eyebrow. "Say it." I bit a piece of my cheek off. The pain helped, but didn't get rid of the bitterness.
"....fine. We're.......friends. BUT!" I cut her off before she could react. "You mark my words! This will only end in heartbreak and sorrow for you! You'll be all 'Oh, if only I listened to JD, then I could have been spared the pain of being friends with a jackass!' That's you. That's what you sound like." It sounded nothing like her. I have since heard chainsaws that sounded more like her. I regret nothing.
To my frustration she ignored my taunts and my warning, and continued to smile with smug satisfaction. I swear I could see it materialising above her head in a small haze as if I were in San Francisco. I grumbled and ordered the pint of vodka. Getting shit-faced drunk tends to soothe the sting of loss.
"Dear, why are you making such a fuss?" Asked Rarity, who was slowly but neatly eating her way through her salad. "It isn't proper to act so dramatically over such minor things." Rainbow and Applejack both looked over at her with poorly hidden smirks on their faces. I didn't have to think hard to figure out that Rarity was probably just a little hypocritical.
I rolled my eyes at her. "Let's just say that the only friends I have left are imaginary."
'Fuck you, YOU'RE imaginary!'
'But I was here first.'
'Maybe Wrath's the real one, and he just imagined you to THINK that you were first.'
'God damn it you guys, stop trying to give me an existential crisis.'
"You don't have any friends? That's so sad!" There was the sad Pinkie face again. If she were human I wouldn't have cared if she were on fire, but I couldn't stand to see cute animals suffer. My therapist still counted it as a good thing for someone like me, though.
"No, it's fine, I'm used to being alone. Besides, humans are jerks. Well, at least all the ones I know. A nice human is almost as rare as a unicorn these days." They all looked at each other in confusion. "Yeah yeah, shut up. It has more impact in a world where unicorns don't exists. Just pretend we're in my world. Just don't go into the bad part of town, or you'll get mugged."
"Um....don't you have any family, at least?" And I thought Pinkie's sad-face was bad. Stupid Fluttershy and her stupid cute face. It threw me off my game.
"Uh...no, I'm afraid I haven't had one for a while now." I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly.
'Holy shit, could you be more beta? Stop being a pussy and just tell them what happened!'
'What, do you want me to make these ponies cry?'
'....yes. Who the hell do you think I am?'
'I bet their tears are very potent for making alchemic potions of mass destruction. And they probably taste like snozzberries.'
'Oh god, I am so glad I repress all of my crazy into you two.'
"Is that why you cried during the film?" Asked Twilight, who was leaning forward and looking at me in concern. Thankfully, it confused me just enough to get my groove back.
"What, because I don't have a family? No, I'm over that. Have been for a while." She slumped back, frowning.
Applejack spoke up, forestalling more awkwardness. "Well JD, for what it's worth, Ah already consider ya'll a part of mah family, what with you savin' mah little sis' and all." Oh, did I say she stopped me from feeling awkward? I lied, she made it much worse.
"That's uh....great, Applejack. Real nice of you. Just don't make me buy you guys Christmas presents. Trust me, I am horrible at choosing gifts for anyone, myself included."
She waved a hoof at me. "Naw, it's nothin' like that. We'll just help each other when we need it."
"Yeah, like Applebuck Season coming up, right AJ?" Rainbow smirked and nudged her in the ribs. Applejack refused to make eye contact. That worried me.
I didn't get the chance to question it, however, as the waiter came out levitating our drinks. Applejack and Rainbow Dash had both gotten several mugs of hard cider, obviously preparing for a drinking contest. Twilight and Rarity decided to share a bottle of "Daffodil Wine". Call it a hunch, but I doubted that was just the brand name. Fluttershy, predictably, didn't drink alcohol, and ordered a lemonade instead. Pinkie however defied all my predictions and ordered cola. Not that cola is an odd choice of drink for her, but her reasoning was. Apparently she thinks alcohol is 'Bad for you and icky!' The hypocrisy scales were off the charts, considering she had also placed an order for a huge dessert, but it still surprised me. She is a party pony, after all. I guessed that most of her parties wouldn't exactly be considered 'wild' by Earth standards.
I raised my glass filled with Potion of Memory Loss to my lips ready to take a sip. Or propose marriage. Can't exactly recall which. "James, are you sure you want to drink that?" Of course Twilight had to ruin the moment. I lowered my glass.
"Yes I am, Madam Buzzkill." I lifted the glass back up.
"Aren't you worried about brain damage? Or the hangover you will definitely have in the morning?"
I groaned. "I'm used to hangovers by now. Besides, a little headache is better than horrifying nightmares."
Fluttershy cowered a little at the mention of the 'N' word. "O-oh my. You-you have nightmares? Wh-what about?" Before I could comfort her, I felt Wrath take control.
'Oh god don't do what I thi-'
"Oh, you know, the horrifically slow and painful deaths of all life on Earth through nuclear fire and radiation." Fluttershy's eyes shrunk to pinpricks. Wrath put down our drink and inspected our nails half-heartedly. "And that's on a good day. Honestly, they seem more like pleasant little dreams compared to other things that go on up here. Unspeakable horrors from alternate dimensions, unquenchable darkness draining all sanity, lots of fun stuf-" I cut him off by wrenching away control of an arm and punching our face as hard as I could a few times. He didn't feel the pain, but he could feel how our nose shattered. He smirked and relinquished control, knowing he'd done the damage he wanted.
I looked at Fluttershy while I held by bleeding nose. She was shivering like it was freezing, but her face had fear written all over it. I sighed and stood up. "I'm sorry about that Fluttershy. I-sometimes I can't exactly control what comes out of my mouth. I'm....I'm gonna go for a walk, wait for my nose to heal. Be back in a bit, everyone." I turned around and walked out of the hall before any of them could protest, or yell at me. When I was sure I was out of earshot I growled to myself. "God damn it Wrath, what the fucking hell is your problem?"
'I told you to stop being a pussy. You didn't, so I stepped in.'
"'Stepped in'? You probably traumatised her!"
'It wasn't that bad, I didn't even tell her about the dream where you kill that guy over and over. I even made sure not to talk about that one with that girl.'
"I don't care WHAT it was you said! These aren't humans! I actually LIKE them! I've been giving you more freedom because I thought you felt enough of the same to actually behave!"
'You know I can't like things. Not like that. You pump all of your psychopathic rage into me and expect me to be happy?! We're only here because you would be completely schizophrenic without us! Or did you forget that you spent two and a half years in a mental hospital muttering about the Whispers?'
I winced. I don't like thinking about those lost years. "That's not fair. You know I don't remember any of that." While we were arguing I had found myself at a balcony in a tower, overlooking the city. I rested my hands against the railing, exhausted from the long day. I sighed. "Okay, look, I know I'd be screwed without you guys. And under normal circumstances, I wouldn't care if you traumatised a bus full of children, but this place seems to actually be good, and I feel like I might care what the people here think of me. So until that changes, just try to behave. Also, don't try to kill anyone."
'Grrr....but that'll be so boring. You might as well get rid of me.'
"Don't worry, man. I'll find stuff for you to do. Who knows, maybe we'll get to kill something."
'.....fine. I won't traumatise the 'precious ponies'. On purpose. But you need to find something for me to burn!'
"Good enough for me."
'You guys do know that Celestia's standing behind us, right?'
I didn't even bother trying to question him. Ataxia has advanced Spidey Sense or something. Helpful when trying to avoid people. Not so much when he's telling me the exact details of people's bowel movements. Makes it very difficult to eat in public. I sighed again. "How long have you been listening?"
"Long enough."
"Not long enough to come up with a non-clichéd answer, apparently." I turned around to face her. She was frowning heavily, but didn't seem to be preparing to kill me. Baby steps, I suppose. "So how d'you want to do this? Disintegration? Teleport me to the other side of the planet? Make me watch a Glee marathon until my brain haemorrhages?"
She shook her head. "No, I came here to apologise. It was wrong of me to attack you, regardless of my personal feelings."
I waved her off. "Meh, it's fine. Nothing I wouldn't have done myself."
She looked at me with shock. "I was fully prepared to kill you. In front of my student and her friends. It would have traumatised them for life, as well as destroyed any trust they had in me."
"Yeah, but you didn't actually do it. I'd have still killed me despite their protests. So take that as comfort, that you aren't as bad as humans. Besides, sometimes I want to kill all humans as well."
Her eyes widened. "How do you-?"
"Luna told me." Irritation flashed across her face for a brief moment. "Don't be mad at her. She just felt that she owed us all an explanation as to why the ruler of their country tried to kill me."
Her eyes softened. "You don't despise me?"
"Well, as a rule I automatically despise anyone who rules over others, be it royalty, elected officials or even just police officers. But that's just a hate for the title. Personally, you might be pretty cool, so I don't hate you personally. As for the whole letting humanity get eaten by dragons thing...." She winced. "I'm fine with it."
Her mouth hung open with shock, her usually stoic face completely shattering. "You can't be serious. I let your entire species be destroyed!"
I shrugged. "They started it. Celestia, I come from a world where humans are the only sentient species. Sure we had close cousins, but we killed them all off in the stone age. Or before the stone age. It was in some kind of age, anyways, the point is there are now over nine billion humans on the planet."
"Nine....billion?! There were barely a hundred thousand when they took over my home!"
"Yeah, evolving in a world without magical creatures trying to kill them all the time tends to give a species some breathing room. Not that it does us any good. We start wars all the time, and create a larger civilisation at the cost of the environment. If we don't end up destroying ourselves through war, then unless people start caring more about the planet than monetary gain, then we'll end up destroying it. Honestly, I'm glad to be the only human here. I'm corrupt enough as it is."
She contemplated my words for a moment. "So you truly believe that it is a good thing that I let your people perish?"
I grinned widely and nodded. "Yep! You might not have known it, but you did the entire world a favour. I wouldn't even mind if you killed me!, knowing how dangerous I can be."
She smiled, but shook her head. "No, I couldn't do that. Even if I had a good reason, I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt of forcing my student to lose a friend, no matter who they are. I'd lose their trust."
I shrugged again, and sat on the marble railing. "They'd be upset, but I'm sure they'd understand if you had a good reason. I mean, they did hesitate when you were about to kill me. Even Applejack, and I saved her sister's life! They obviously trust you a lot. As long as they don't see the body, they'll be fine eventually."
Celestia smiled warmly at the reassurance. "Thank you, but even so, it wouldn't be right."
"You sure?" I turned around and waved my buttocks at her. "You don't want to kick me and send me flying off the edge?"
She smirked, and came up next to me, sitting down and resting her hooves against the railing. "It's tempting, but I'd better not. I'd hate to cause a mess for the cleaners." I laughed, glad that she was finally loosening up. "We do have to discuss the issue of you 'maybe getting to kill something'." My levity was crushed instantly.
"Fuck. You mind not mentioning that to Twilight and them all? It might freak them out that their new friend hears murderous voices in his head."
"I was going to inform them about it, but you seemed to reign those thoughts in. I can get you a hunting license in case you ever feel the need to......vent some anger, but y"
I raised an eyebrow. "Why would a race of herbivores need hunting licenses?"
"It's mostly used for monster hunting. Sometimes dangerous creatures wander into populated areas, and can't be peacefully removed. Killing another living thing is forbidden by law here, so either a team of appointed specialists dispatches it, or, if one is not available, a pony with a license can try to defeat it for a bounty, but that is discouraged. It does also count for hunting for food, even for pets, so if a pony or a griffin wanted to catch fish in our borders, they'd need a license. They are inexpensive, so there is no reason for them to break that law."
'Huh. So killing a pig is the same a killing a pony. I guess I'll have to settle for baconless omelets.'
'The horror.'
"You do realise that you will have to tell them eventually? I do not want to risk you taking advantage of their ignorance in order to harm them." She looked at me sternly.
I waved her warning off. "Yeah, yeah, I'll tell them later. Besides, Twilight wants to talk about my family and past friendships. They tie into the whole thing with my craziness, and I doubt she'll give up very easily."
The princess chuckled. "No, she wouldn't. Once she sets her mind to something, she'll try her very hardest to do it. While we're on the topic, what exactly is your condition, if you don't mind sharing."
"Nah, it's fine. What I currently have is something that's apparently called Dissociative Identity Disorder, but it's easier to call it separate personalities. I have two voices in my head that I talk to on a constant basis. Sometimes they take control in order to do stuff. A lot of the things they want to do isn't exactly legal, so I usually end up either reigning them in or getting in trouble."
She raised an eyebrow at me. "What kind of things?"
"Disturbing things, honestly, but I'm used to it. They spend most of their time antagonising me."
"If they're so disruptive, why not get rid of them?"
I shook my head. "No, without them...well I am much worse. Some time ago....something happened that caused me to lose all grip on reality. I went insane. Completely schizophrenic. I don't remember anything that happened, but the doctors at the mental hospital said I was delirious and violent. They said I was always muttering about 'thousands of Whispers'. When they gave me drawing utensils all I wrote was 'Whispers', always with a capital 'W'. They gave me drugs, but it never helped. One day, I just stopped. That's the earliest I remember. Then these two started talking to me. I was in a straight-jacket in a padded room. I instantly linked the two and started panicking.
"They explained things to me. Calmed me down. I think my brain must have created them in order to cope with whatever the 'Whispers' were. Took aspects of my old personality and gave them their own voices. They've been the only real friends I've had till your little student bribed me into being her friend."
Celestia chuckled at that, but didn't investigate. "Those two voices sound helpful, even if it is unhealthy."
I burst out laughing. "AHAHAHA! You kidding? They're a constant pain in my ass! They almost never stop talking! You should hear the stuff they're saying about you."
"Oh? What exactly are they saying?" She asked humorously.
'What harm could it do? You know, apart from offending the goddess that controls the sun, and therefore all life on the planet.'
"Well Wrath, the angry one you heard me arguing with before, wants to get revenge for what you did before by beating you within an inch of your life and then going two inches further. Ataxia, however, is describing in vivid detail exactly how he would ravish your rear end." She blushed at that.
'I suppose she isn't used to people being frank enough to tell her that they want to both kill her and have sex with her.'
'Not in that order! It's a compliment!'
"Apparently he thinks that's a compliment."
"That's....alright. What kind of personality did you have before your memory lapse?"
"I went psychotic for a few months. It led to me doing the thing that broke my mind."
"Do you remember what it was that you did?"
"Yes, but I'm not telling you so shut up." That was very personal to me. Illegal too. She'd probably be forced to lock me up. She furrowed her brow, but didn't pursue it. "You know, now that I think about it, you're the first person I've told about them. Ironic that the first person I trust also tried to kill me."
"Are you going to keep referring to that?"
"I'll try not to, but it's such a good example." We fell silent and just stared up at the crescent moon.
"Luna always makes the most lovely nights. I could never get them right."
"I'm still in denial that you control them at all. So weird to me."
"That isn't how they work where you're from? In fact, where do you come from?"
"Ask Twilight about it in the morning. It's actually a matter of national security. I'm just too tired to be bothered." Celestia was about to say something, but was cut off when the light from the moon disappeared. It looked like the moon and stars had vanished, but faint shifting in the sky showed that it was just cloud cover. "Man, those are some thick ass clouds. Can't see anything but black."
Celestia narrowed her eyes at the clouds. "They shouldn't be there. Tonight was scheduled to be clear."
I rolled my eyes. "The sun, the moon, the weather, do you ponies let nature do anything by itself? Let me guess, you control the seasons as well?"
"Well actually-"
She was cut off again as all of the torches hung on the walls were blown out by a wind that we couldn't feel, leaving us submerged in total darkness. We heard screams sound out from the lower floors. All of the lights in the palace were out, as far as we could tell. "Okay, please tell me there aren't any living shadow monsters that steal your soul or eat your flesh or something."
She lit her horn, brining light to the balcony. "No, I've never heard of any monster that creates darkness. The only ones I know who are capable of doing something like this are my sister and Discord."
"Ah, so it's just a prank. That makes me feel better." I moved closer to her and her light.
"You're afraid of the dark?" Stupid smirking alicorn.
"No. Just wary of the things that lurk in the dark. There's a difference. Also, shut up." One of the torches flew out of the darkness and hit Celestia in the back of her head. It didn't knock her out, but it turned her light out for a few seconds. Unfortunately, it was long enough. A woman, a HUMAN woman, stepped out of the darkness towards me. I don't know how I could see her when it was pitch black, but I could. She was wearing a black funeral gown, and had a veil draped over her face. Her hand reached towards my face, and I had one thought before I blacked out.
'Ooh, a funeral gown! Maybe that means she's single! Not that it matters either way.'
What? I never said it was a sophisticated thought.
NEXT TIME: CHILDREN OF THE ELDERLY GOD
Author's Note
Holy shit, writers block much? I took some comments from earlier chapters about JD's mental condition and decided to try to work them into his backstory. Hopefully now his insanity seems more realistic. I'm looking forward to writing the next chapter. Maybe I can improve the quality of my writing a bit.
A Schizophrenic's Guide to Equestria
Children of the Elder(ly) God
"Daddy, where are we going?"
I looked down at the little girl walking by my side. She was staring up at me with her large violet eyes. I smiled down at her. "We're going some place safe."
"To get away from the scary people, right?" I ruffled her hair.
"That's right, sweetie. They want to hurt you, but I'm not going to let them."
She smiled at me widely, and held my hand. "I love you, Daddy."
"I love you too, sweetie." With that, we continued walking down the broken road towards safety.
I opened my eyes, but immediately shut them as light burned my retinas. I rubbed my throbbing temples as I groaned. "Fucking nightmares. They hurt my head so much. I wish I had drunk that vodka."
I heard several gasps behind me. I reluctantly sat myself up and opened my eyes again. I was back in the dining hall, all of the doors glowing softly. A brief look around revealed that there were several dozen ponies scattered around. Nobles, servants and guards were all huddling together for support, social status forgotten. I turned to look behind me and saw Celestia standing with the girls. She was illuminating the room with her horn. All of them were staring at me, slack jawed. I waved half-heartedly. They just kept staring.
"What? Did I talk in my sleep? If I did, forget everything you heard." Fluttershy rushed over and hugged me tightly as she started sobbing.
"J-J-JD! I-I'm sorry I m-made you feel b-bad! I-I didn't mean to be so f-frightened! A-and thinking that t-the last time I saw you I m-made you sad I'm s-so sorryeeehaaaah!"
I nodded and rubbed her back, completely and utterly lost. "Someone mind translating?" They all closed their mouths and look at each other awkwardly.
Celestia spoke up, rubbing the back of her head with a hoof. "The thing is....you died."
Fluttershy sobbed a little harder at that. I looked down at myself. "I seem to have gotten better."
"Indeed." She came over and shifted the reluctant Fluttershy off of me, before placing an ear to my chest. "Your heart is beating again." She lifted her head up and looked at me without expression. "Do you know why this is?"
Twilight spoke up. "We don't know why, Princess, but James seems to have some kind of healing factor. His arrival to our world was....quite rough. Fluttershy and I were about to administer emergency first aid, but his wounds started healing by themselves."
"I believe he mentioned being from another world before. How exactly did he arrive?"
"A crack in reality." I said, annoyed at them talking about me in the third person. She raised her eye brow. I shrugged. "Discord said that I was from another reality, and the thing that appeared in front of me was like a crack through the air. Can't think of any other way to describe it. In fact that's probably how the-" I opened my eyes wide. I leaped up and grabbed Celestia by the shoulders, nearly head butting her and/or impaling my face on her horn. "Where is it?! Where did it go?!"
She was surprised by my sudden actions, and blinked a few times in confusion. "What?"
"The thing that touched our face! That was what killed us! What happened after we passed out?!" I was becoming slightly hysterical, shaking the princess back and forward.
She placed a hoof on my face and pushed me off of her, before answering, slightly irritated. "I didn't see anything. If you recall, it was pitch black." She narrowed her eyes. "But I heard something. After my light went out I felt...something on the balcony with us. A moment later I heard a shriek. I brought my light back, and the presence vanished, and you had fallen to the floor."
I tilted my head in confusion. "You didn't see her? No, I suppose she only showed herself to us. But why?" She opened her mouth to answer, but I held an index finger up to her face." No time. Quick, did you see anyone acting overly strange on your way here? As in, trying to kill you, strange?"
She raised an eyebrow. "No. In fact, I didn't see anypony at all. All the guards in the tower were away from their posts. I found groups of ponies hiding in their rooms while I was searching for Twilight and her friends to inform them of your...demise. I brought them with me here. I explained what I knew and then you...woke up."
I turned around and started pacing. "Okay, that's not as bad as I thought. Still bad though. Those guards that were missing are probably dead now, but we'll worry about that later. For now we need to make sure it can't leave the palace, if it hasn't already." I turned to Celestia. "You raise the sun, right?" She nodded. "Good. Do it."
Everyone looked at me incredulously. "You can't be serious." Twilight said.
I looked at her confused. "Why not?"
"It's the middle of the night! Raising the sun now would disrupt the ecosystem of the entire planet!"
"If we don't raise the sun soon, then everyone in the world will die." She opened her mouth to retort, but snapped it shut as her brain processed what I had said, eyes widening. I kneeled down and grabbed her shoulders "Look, we don't have time to explain, you just need to to trust us! If it isn't stopped soon, then there'll be nothing we can do!"
Celestia spoke from above us. "We may have not met on the best of terms, but I trust you now. If you say that raising the sun will protect my subjects, then I have no objections. Unfortunately, it isn't that simple."
"Of course it isn't. That would be too easy. We wouldn't want that, now would we?" If sarcasm was a source of energy, I'd be set for life. Or kidnapped. Or killed to keep oil dependency up.
"In order to raise the sun, my sister must also lower the moon at the same time. When I was forced to seal Nightmare Moon away, the Elements granted me power to control the moon, but it only lasted until the seal broke. When she was freed a few years ago, I lost the ability to control it."
"Wait, didn't unicorns used to control the sun and moon once? Twilight's pretty good with magic, apparently. Maybe she could do it!"
She shook her head. "No, when we used the Elements, they linked us each to the sun and the moon. We had to always be in harmony in order to change from night to day. That is why Nightmare Moon was able to keep the moon up. Only those with more magical power than both of us combined would be able to move them, and the only one with that much power is Discord."
"Where is that bastard anyway?"
Celestia grit her teeth. "I don't know. I haven't seen him since his paper bird 'accident'. I will be having a serious talk with him when I find him."
MEANWHILE, ON A TROPICAL ISLAND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET
Discord stretched out on his cloud hammock on top of the large pyramid made out of sand that took up the entire landmass of the island. "This is the life. No ponies, no rules, no Celestia threatening to seal me in stone for every little prank I pull on her. I should disappear mysteriously during times of crisis more often." He ate a slice of pavement (Rocky Road flavour) as he watched the sharks surf up and along the massive tidal wave of orange soda that hung perpetually in the air just off shore.
"Well if we can't raise the sun without Luna, why don't we just go get her?" Pinkie spoke up. I did a double take when I realised that she was the one who said it.
"That...that is a good point, Pinkie. If fact, she's probably in danger, so we'd probably get going." They all stepped forward. "And by 'we', I mean me and Twilight. It's way too dangerous for you all to go."
"What?!" Rainbow Dash flew up in front of me. "Oh no you don't! We aren't letting our friend go off alone with a whack-job who won't even tell us what's going on!"
I held my hand to my mouth, pretending to look embarrassed. "Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't know you could use magic. Hey Celestia, did you know that Rainbow Dash here is an alicorn? Who knew? I guess when this is all over you'd better have a little coronation ceremony for the new 'princess'." Rainbow growled at me, but I ignored it and brought my face closer to hers. "We'll be going up against dangerous enemies out there. You might be able to fly and move faster than them, but you can't go faster than the Dark Preence. The instant you step out of the light, it will grab you, and it will consume you! It will use your body to try and kill the rest of us! Is that what you want?!" Her brash attitude washed away in an instant.
I turned to Celestia. "I assume you want to join us too, but your light is the only thing keeping these ponies safe. If you leave, they'll have no chance. Not to mention what might happen if the Dark Presence gets a hold of you. Destroy the sun, probably." She nodded.
"I will remove the barriers on the doorway that leads to the council chambers. Good luck, and please, find my sister."
"Wait!" Twilight yelled before Celestia could do anything. "What am I supposed to do?! The only combat spell I know is basically just an advanced tranquilliser!"
I rubbed my chin. "Yeah, that probably won't work. But you won't have to worry combat spells. All you have to do is create light."
"That's it?" I ruffled her mane, to her annoyance.
"That's it."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"
Twilight screamed at the top of her lungs as we ran as fast as she could handle while keeping her circle of light on us. Behind us were a dozen ponies shrouded in shadows, chasing as close as they could get without entering the light. Fortunately, her spell was powerful enough that entering the light destroyed them instantly, as we found out when one jumped out at us from a corner. Unfortunately, the unicorns among them were able to use their magic to shoot rays of magic at us. And the pegasi were trying to drop things on our heads from the high ceilings. All whilst the Dark Presence flung various weapons and statues and suits of armor at us.
It wasn't nearly as fun as the game made it out to be. There were no doors in our way, though. Whoever designed this place centuries ago had decided to put archways everywhere except for private rooms and dining halls. Twilight said it was so that if someone had an important message for anyone in the palace the only door they'd have to worry about would be the door of the pony receiving the message. Seemed a bit stupid to me, but I didn't complain. Whatever kept us un-Taken was a blessing to me.
'Are you sure we can't just break their necks?'
'I'm pretty sure that if a sword to the face doesn't instantly kill something, a broken neck won't even bother it.'
'What about a sledgehammer?'
'We haven't got a sledge hammer.'
'I think I have dynamite stored away in one of our orifices.'
'I know that you don't, but the fact that you thought of that terrifies me more than you usually do.'
'Why thank you.'
My inner dialogue was interrupted by Twilight stumbling for a moment. "James, I don't think I can keep this up much longer!"
"It's only been five minutes!"
"You try to concentrate enough to cast a spell that creates sunlight, while running for your life, while trying to find your way through a dark castle!"
"Fine!" I scooped her up in my arms, causing an "Eep!" to escape her. I ran as hard as I could while keeping a hold of her. Ponies are not as small as you'd think. The top of Twilight's head only came up to about my waist, but if she stood on her hind-legs she'd be around shoulder height. Also, pony heads are quite large. Not disproportionally so, but enough to tip the scales away from her rear end as I held her just below the forelegs and just above the hindlegs. "Which way do I go?!" I yelled to her.
"Take a left at the next hallway!" I reached the hallway and turned sharply, barely managing to avoid a blast of magic. The hallway was several hundred feet long.
"Jesus Christ, how big is this place?!"
"Don't worry, there's a door to the right up near the end! That's where the council meets!"
"Yes, why keep everything nice and close together?! It's not like the fate of the world would ever depend on getting from one place to another quickly! That's just insane!"
"Oh just shut up and run!"
I obliged and continued my sprint. "I am so glad I work on my cardio! These guys are much worse than cops!"
"Why are we yelling?!"
"Why AREN'T we yelling louder?!"
"What?! Why?!"
"Look!" I nodded towards a large pillar that had large cracks all along it.
"That's a support beam! If that breaks it'll block off the door to the council!" The shades behind us stopped attacking and started to fire at the pillar.
"You know, that was probably your fault!"
"Oh shut up!"
I ran as hard as I could, but I couldn't go any faster without breaking something. Luckily, I knew someone close at hand who didn't care about that. "WRATH!"
"What?!"
'Fine, but you still owe me some necks to snap!' I didn't argue as I let him take over, and our speed almost tripled. I could heard a large amount of snaps coming from our legs, and I could only imagine how bad they must feel. We sped past the pillar and got to the door, which Wrath promptly kicked off its hinges. I'm not sure, but I think I saw our leg bend somewhere in the middle of the shin as he lowered it. Still glad I can't feel anything when he's in control.
He walked us in quickly, and found Princess Luna behind a force field, surrounded by almost three dozen Taken. Who were quickly joined by the ones from outside, blocking the only escape route. Not that that mattered, though, considering the pillar then collapsed and trapped us inside.
"And you guys were worried that this would be dangerous."
'Shut up and get to Luna!'
He ran us straight through the crowd of Taken. Judging from the way he swerved into a few of them, he was doing it specifically to kill them. There were still a large number of the shrouded ponies left when we got to Luna.
"Hey there. Fancy meeting you on a night like this."
"Hurry up and get in here!" Her force field wavered in front of us slightly, allowing us to step forward through it. It solidified as soon as we were in, bouncing off a leaping Taken. "Thank the heavens you are here! What is happening? Why are the council members attacking us? They don't seem to be able to get through, but I can't hold them back forever!"
"They're being controlled by something called the Dark Presence!" Twilight said as she leapt from my arms and rushed to Luna's side. "James says that if you let Celestia raises the sun, it'll turn them back to normal!"
"What? He never said that."
'I didn't say that, actually.'
'Wait, really? Fuck.'
Twilight spun around to look at us. "What do you mean? You said that raising the sun would stop all this!"
"Well, yeah, for a little bit! Look, just shut up and focus! In case you hadn't noticed, theses things are currently trying to kill us, and this is a conversation that is best had anywhere but the middle of combat!" Twilight stepped backwards a little, shocked at "my" outburst.
Wrath turned and addressed Luna. "Alright Moonbutt, apparently you need to lower the moon while Sunbutt raises the sun. Right?" She narrowed her eyes at the nicknames, but nodded. "Okay, I'll assume you can't do that and keep this force field up at the same time. So I'm gonna go and entertain the guests. Starbutt, you try to keep a force field up and protect her. Got it?"
Twilight was frowning, obviously still upset, but nodded regardless. "Are you sure you'll be all right?"
He shrugged. "Eh. Maybe, maybe not. I didn't stay dead the last time it killed me." He turned and walked towards the dark blue force field. Luna dropped it and he quickly stepped out before Twilight replaced it with her lavender bubble, Luna's horn started to glow brighter. Wrath cracked our knuckles as he grinned evilly out towards the Taken ponies. "Alright you fuckers, lets play!"
He took a single step before he was distracted by the sight of the rising sun in the window. The light poured in and hit the shades, disintegrating them into specks of light. He spun around to find that the force field was gone. Luna shrugged. "It doesn't take as long as you'd think to lower the moon."
Wrath crossed our arms. "Well this is total bullshit. I was hoping to kill at least a few of them. I'm going back to bed."
'Psychotic limbo is not a bed, Wrath.' He then forced me into control. Our legs were still broken. I fell to the ground screaming.
"He is quite a strange individual, isn't he?" Luna asked Twilight.
"Strange isn't necessarily a bad thing." She replied as I mimed running while lying on my side, somehow spinning in a circle despite not causing enough friction to move. "Most of the time."
A quarter of an hour later, my legs had healed and the rest of the group had joined us, the sun now blazing down from the highest point in he sky. "What do you mean it isn't gone?!" Unfortunately, the sun's fury was right there in the room with us. "I thought you said that raising the sun would stop the Dark Presence!"
"Jeez, calm down! The sun doesn't destroy it, but it does stop it from hurting anyone else. Why are you so angry?"
"I'm angry because more than half of the castle is missing! What if they've been taken hostage?" I winced. That was worse than I thought.
"Okay, okay. I'll try to explain.You know how I'm from another reality? Well so is this thing. In my reality, it was part of a popular story, which is why I know so much about it. What it is, basically, is an evil malevolent being that exists as darkness and is intent on becoming all powerful. With me so far?" She nodded impatiently. "Okay. In it's 'origin world' it resides at the bottom of a very deep lake that has the power to make pieces of art a reality."
"Wait, how is the lake magic?" Twilight asked. "I thought you said the human world didn't have magic."
"Of course you'd pick the question I don't know the answer to. It's never explained how it became magic, but that isn't important. The Dark Presence is aware of the power of the lake. In fact, the dark place that it came from was probably brought into being by tribal religious stories. After they sealed it back in the bottom of the lake, it stayed there for centuries. A town was even built near it, but no true artists showed up. Then one day a writer moved in with his wife. In a cabin built on an island right in the middle of the lake. They were happy, for a while.
"Then his wife drowned while swimming in the lake. Obviously he was quite depressed. To ease the pain, he wrote a poem depicting his wife coming back to him. The magic of the lake made it happen."
Rarity sighed dreamily. "Oh, how romantic! A couple in love torn apart by death, only to be reunited through magic! It is so lovely!" She was actually swooning. I almost felt bad about crushing her child-like fantasy. Almost.
"Guess again," I chuckled darkly. "The Dark Presence saw this as an opportunity to escape, so it took it. It wore the woman's body like a suit." That earned grimaces from everyone. "He was obviously extremely happy that she was back. Who wouldn't be? 'She' urged him to write a novel. It was trying to get him to make it unstoppable using the power of the lake. After a little while, he saw that something was wrong, but it was too late. He had already written it free. So he tied 'her' up, and continued writing. He made it so that events would occur that prevented it from becoming free. He set it in motion so that another writer would come along, and that he'd have the opportunity to stop the Dark Presence for good."
"If he wrote it so that another writer would destroy it, then why is it here?" Luna asked.
"Same way I got here. A hole broke open in reality, and brought it here. There's probably some local phenomenon that's causing them."
"How do we destroy it?" Celestia had her serious face on. Or was it her angry face? It is very hard to tell sometimes.
"Well the writer had made it so that the new guy would find some weird lighter from his childhood. The power of the lake had turned it into a weapon that could destroy the Dark Presence. So all we need is an incredibly powerful magic artefact that is made purely for the use of getting rid of evil. And let me guess, you guys have one of those, don't you?"
Pinkie nodded her head frantically. "Yep! The Elements of Harmony!"
"Ah, those MacGuffins. Where are they?"
"They're back at the library in a glass case." Twilight said. "We decided to keep them there in case there were any....emergencies." For some reason Fluttershy became very interested with the floor, and decided to stare at it from behind her mane. "But don't worry, I'll go get them!" Her horn shone a bright purple and in a flash she was gone.
'Huh. She exploded.'
'I like her a lot more all of a sudden.'
She reappeared a few moments later wearing a saddlebag. "I've got them here."
"Teleportation. I'll have to remember to freak out about that later. For now, pass the Elements to me." She levitated 5 necklaces and a tiara out of her bag. They each had a jewel the shape of a Cutie Mark. I grabbed them and placed two necklaces on each arm, one around my neck, and placed the tiara on my head. I rested fists against my hips in a heroic pose. "I am now ready for battle!" They all started laughing at me. Even Fluttershy. "Oh shut up. I'm gonna go find the thing and kill it. Hurry up and tell me how to work these thing!"
"Twilight giggled as she used her magic to take my battle armor off of me. "They don't work like that, James. The Elements are each connected to one of us." She gestured at her friends. She gave each of them a necklace. "Applejack is the Element of Honesty, Rainbow Dash is the Element of Loyalty, Pinkie Pie is the Element of Laughter, Rarity is the Element of Generosity, Fluttershy is the Element of Kindness, and I'm the Element of Magic." She lifted the tiara and placed it her head. "Besides, you need the magic of friendship in order to activate them. Didn't you say you don't have any friends?" She smirked at me.
I crossed my arms and frowned. "Oh stop rubbing it in. Also, you guys can't even get close to the Dark Presence otherwise it'll posses you."
Celestia looked at me. "Is that what happened to the missing ponies? They're being possessed by this entity?"
I rubbed my chin. "Well they WERE. But most of them were probably destroyed when you rose the sun, so I wouldn't worry about any surprise attacks."
Celestia's face filled with rage. "WHAT?! " The force of her shout actually shook the room. It was really fucking loud. She noticed all of us mincing, thankfully, and brought her volume down a couple thousand decibels. "What do you mean 'destroyed'?"
"When someone or something is possessed by the Dark Presence, they are made invulnerable to attacks, but only as long as they're in the dark. If you shine light on them, it will weaken the darkness and make them vulnerable to attack, but if the light is strong enough they'll simply disintegrate or something."
Twilight spoke up. "Wait, so when they went into my light earlier....they were destroyed? I-I killed ponies?!" Her eyes shrunk as realisation sunk in and she started hyperventilating. Her friends gathered around her to try to help her calm down.
"Well, yes and no. You did destroy them, yes, but you didn't kill anyone." Her breathing slowed as she focused on me again. "When the Dark Presence turns someone into a Taken, it doesn't just TAKE them. It consumes them. Destroys the part of them that makes them who they are, turning them into a dark husk that it can use to attack others. If anything, we did them a favour."
Twilight calmed down some, but still stammered when she spoke. "S-so those ponies we..." She couldn't bring herself to say it again.
"They were already dead. Basically just high functioning zombies. I'm just glad it didn't send any ravens after us, those are a bitch and a half to deal with."
"Why didn't you tell us this before?" Celestia asked, but it was obviously for the sake of the others. She's too smart to not be able to put it together.
"You know why. You'd have all refused to fight them if you thought that they could be saved, and you definitely wouldn't have raised the sun if you knew it would destroy them." She furrowed her brow, but reluctantly nodded, but I was off on a tangent.
"And if you refused to raise the sun, then the Dark Presence would have most likely collapsed the castle on top of us. OR, even worse, they might have gotten control of Luna, and then used her to fight against you. You would refuse to destroy your sister, so it would be able to take control of you, and use your magic to permanently block out the sun. Or even destroy it. You might think of me as crazy or weird, but I do consider the alternatives. Hiding the truth from you was the only way."
Celestia bowed her head. "I apologise for snapping at you. Again."
"Yeah, you've really got to work on that."
She smirked a little. "Yes, but first we ought to come up with a plan."
"I already have one. We raise the moon!" Celestia blinked at me.
"Wow, you really are insane."
"Told ya. But I'm not done. I'm gonna go to the dungeons, and after the moon has been raised, I am going to get it to follow me out to the front of the palace, where you all will be waiting with your jewellery, ready to destroy it."
Luna spoke up. "If we lower the sun, what will keep the Presence from just spreading out past the palace?"
I chuckled. "Don't worry about that, princess. I know a guy who can be very persuasive." I winked at Celestia.
'This was a horrible plan.'
"Screw you, what do you know?"
'Well, we're currently being chased by an incredibly powerful entity though a pitch black castle, in which we are lost, and when it catches us it will submit us to unimaginable torture.'
'It still technically worked. We made it mad enough that it's completely distracted from trying to take over the world.'
'Yeah, as well as strangle us.'
"Jeez, all I did was tell it the truth. You'd think it'd know by now that it's just the product of a Neanderthals imagination and that I could come up with scarier concepts than it while masturbating. And that if you can't even beat a pretty pony princess then you've got some serious life re-evaluation to do."
'Yeah, but then you made out with it, pulled down our pants and started dry humping it. Even by your standards that....okay it's still pretty tame, but still, she ripped off our testicles.'
"They grew back!"
'Doesn't make it any less horrifying to see your gonads being crushed in someone's hand.'
'I agree. I like my testosterone. Don't do that again.'
"You guys are just jealous that she touched my junk."
'We share the same junk, genius.'
"Oh yeah? Then how about I start touching us then? Oh, that feels so good!"
A wall behind us burst open. "FOUND YOU!" A massive seething wave made out of darkness ran full speed at us.
'We really ought to try to keep our internal dialogues internal.'
The mass of shadows back-handed us and we went smashing through several walls. Thankfully, Ataxia was even less bothered by pain than Wrath, and quickly hopped back to our feet. He looked around. "Oh hey, the throne room. That's awfully convenient." He ran outside to where the girls were waiting with the Elements.
"James! Did you manage to get it to follow you?"
The archway behind me broke away and fell behind the girls as the towering shadowy wave broke outwards. Ataxia shrugged. "Maybe. We'll never know for sure." It formed into Barbara and started breaking every bone it could get it's hands on.
'Huh. Our foot fell off. I think I might pass out.'
'You are such a pussy.'
Our viscous beating was interrupted by a bright light, causing the Dark Presence to screech in pain as it dropped us. We looked over at the girls. Their eyes were glowing, and they were levitating. The light grew brighter until a rainbow suddenly shot out of the Elements. A fucking rainbow. It did the job though, so I couldn't complain. It hit the form of Barbara Jagger square in the chest, where her heart used to be, and it's entire body started glowing, before it exploded, throwing me forwards.
I looked back and found the girls all looking at me with worried expressions on their faces. I took back control before Ataxia could say anything. "What are you looking at? Something on my face?" As soon as I said that, everything was pain. I lifted my hand to my face. All of the bones in it were broken. Also, it felt like half my face was smashed in. The rest of my body was in pretty poor shape too. As in, half gone. "Oh. That." I chuckled for a moment before blacking out.
NEXT TIME: PASSING OUT IS MAGIC
Author's Note
Hey guys, hope you enjoyed this chapter. made it a little longer for you guys. If you see anything that needs editing, just put it in a comment and I'll fix it. I did re-read it looking for any, but I'm tired as fuck so I've probably missed a lot. Good night.
