Love, Loss and Friendship
What does it mean to be forgotten? Can one ever know if the pony we love and adore still remember who we are. Does that pony still love us? I doubt it in my case. Do we even exist to them anymore? Do they dream of my blotched cream and blue coat, my short white mane and tail? Or have the memories of what once was, been forever more cast into the void. I dream of her… her light milky coat and blood red mane, a darker shade of the vivid color cast upon her hooves. There are so many questions, so many… memories. Memories of love, joy, sorrow, jealousy. And no matter what I do, I can’t ever seem to put it out of my mind. The stray thoughts and nightmares of it all shadow my entire day and night. Even the pleasant dreams are horrifying to me, as they tantalizingly offer what my heart has always desired, but just out of reach. It is like a butterfly, which has wings so bright and beautiful, but so delicate, so delicate that if the butterfly were to open their wings, they would break.
I am Mwenzi Whitehooves, I don’t know what to do anymore… I am lost, with nothing to light my way.
For a long time I have always tried to live by the values of friendship exhibited by my rulers, Luna and Celestia, most important to me being kindness. I was always taught to be kind no matter what, even if that means taking the hits for others, or not showing you are wounded at all. I dare not burden any of my friends with the feelings of pain that wrack my aching heart. I do not want to ever put a frown upon their faces, they don’t deserve it the way I do. I must wear the façade of happiness forever more. Isn’t that what it means to be kind, to always put others before yourself? I have always thought so, even if it leaves me feeling like an empty shell.
I just wish I could forget about it all, Allow my memories of her sweat caring eyes, her vice like hugs and most tender of kisses, to at last flow away into the void. The only unicorn in town that knew any memory blocking spells was Twilight Sparkle, but she refused. She said it was important for everypony to go through loss in their lives, endure pain and recovery. I had left the moment she finished her lecture on how to cope with losing a special somepony, quietly saying my thanks. I had returned to my cottage on the outskirts of Ponyville that day, saying a curt hello to my best friend, Fluttershy. We both looked after animals, even though it wasn’t my special talent. I often wondered what it must be like for the animals who had no protection from friendly ponies; animals that were completely wild. Every day must be a struggle, never stopping to rest, never stopping to enjoy life. They simply, survived. Even the predators had to constantly fight to live; else they would watch their kin die of hunger. Most ponies can’t stand thinking about it. I on the other hoof, I think about it every day, even though it is sad. Who else is there? Who else is willing to remember the horror which is life shaped by evolution? Somepony has to remember them all, not just from a scientific perspective, but on a personal level. Remember how they all must feel, what they might think, who they might love.
Memories, loss… emptiness, oh Celestia, for shame, get these images out of my head! Get her out… please. I beg this to both the alicorn sisters often, hoping against hope that my wish will be somehow granted. I am not a religious pony, but I ask them all the same. And yet, no matter what, although the sun and moon goddesses protect my body from the violence inherent in the world, they are forever absent from my thoughts and my dreams… my nightmares. Maybe things will be different tonight. Maybe I will dream of happiness. I hope I dream of my friends. Fluttershy has been really worried lately, but she knows that I proffer to keep my problems to myself. Maybe I’ll dream of…
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I wrote a letter to Twilight today, explaining why I wanted to forget. How I felt, how both my life, and quite possibly other ponies lives could be adversely affected by it. It was one of the most painful and pitiful letters of pleading I have ever written. I all but begged for the spell, and, in hindsight unsurprisingly, got the same response; that I had to simply learn to cope with loss.
What did she know of loss? She knew nothing of Whitehooves, what I had to do in order to be kind. You see, my special talent is one that I am ashamed of. One which has left me hated by most, disliked by some and loved and appreciated by a select few. My special talent involves showing the one act of kindness only a few ponies can do. You see, as much as she hates to admit it, Fluttershy can’t help every single creature in her care. Some are simply beyond the point where the suffering of life is more appealing than the comforting, peaceful embrace of death. That’s when she asks me to come over. I could never let somepony do the things I do. Better I suffer the stains on my hooves than my friends. My special talent is to end the suffering of those animals that can’t stand it any longer. My cutie mark; a large red heart upon a shield… and on the heart is… a skull and crossbones. As far as I know, I am the only pony in town who has the fortitude to do what is right, do what is kind. I don’t in any way resent the other ponies; on the contrary, I am glad I can help my friends. It helps them to move forward without having the memory of their loss bringing quite so many tears in the night. Even Twilight asked me to “help” Owlowiscious after he contracted a fatal lung disease last autumn. What right did she have to lecture me on loss? HUH!?
No, anger isn’t good. I should be more understanding than that. Of course she couldn’t do it. Not when I could take away the pain for her. I have to say, If there was one thing I loved about her the most, it was the way she could understand, completely, what my job did to my mind. She soothed my fears and doubts, she made me always remember that it was going to be ok, that it was for the best…
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“It’s for the best Mwenzi. I just don’t think it’s right for us to be friends now that we are still hurting so much.” She had told me, in such a soft yet persuasive tone. “And hey, it just means you have a better somepony out there waiting for you.” She had said that so often, I was close to believing it. But during the months that followed her ultimatum, other ponies were the last thing on my mind.
“Yeah… I guess you’re right.” I looked down to my hooves before fighting off thoughts of fools hope. “I guess this is goodbye.” I asked, more than stated.
“Yes, Goodbye Mwenzi.” Without another word she just went back inside her house, not even waiting for me to wish her farewell in return. It was then that I realized… I wouldn’t be missed. She would live her life full of happiness now I was gone. Each day she would forget another part of me, until I was but another pony in a sea of faces. I would not be loved, and that would have to be ok. The kindest thing I could do was just let her forget me. If only I could have her blessing.
Goodbye…
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Shaking my head, I try to dispel the unwanted flashback, with surprising success. I decide to have a shower early and get my cottage ready for the party I am having tonight. Fluttershy is coming over with the rest of our friends, Big Mac, Ditzy Hooves and her daughter Dinky. After what seems like an eternity, my first guest arrives just on time.
“Hi Fluttershy, how are you?” I ask softly, allowing her in. Surprisingly, she draws me into a hug and instead of answering, simply comforts me for a moment.
“I’m well thank you, are you feeling any better?” She then responds after we break off.
I smile softy. It was then that I realize that, despite how much I have lost, how lonely I feel, I will always be loved by my friends. It is a different kind of love, but love all the same.
“Much better, thank you.” I reassure her warmly, just as the others came through the sill open doors. “Hi guys, heya Dinky, How was your first day of high school?” I ask excitedly.
“It was really fun Mr. Whitehooves, today we learnt about how plants photo…photosinth…. Uhh, make food?” I chuckle slightly, causing Dinky to blush due to her lapse. “I miss Cheerilee though. High school is hard.” We all laugh a little at her complaint, all of us knowing how hard it could be to learn so much.
“Well, come on, let’s have fun!” Ditzy exclaims, scooping Dinky up as if she were still a little filly. “And let’s have MUFFINS!” The grey Pegasus shouts, running like a madmare into the living room. Fluttershy simply smiles and follows, enjoying a night of peace.
“So Mac, you ready to get thrashed at poker?” I nudge jokingly. This elicits a snorting laugh before the big earth pony speaks.
“Nope.” I shake my head at his simple one lined answer. I swear, the only ponies she says more than one word to are his family and Cheerilee. Once we get to the living room, I take a moment to stand and watch my friends set up the first game for the night, ponopoly. Each of them stares at me expectantly, smiles on their faces. For the first time… in a long time, that’s all I think about.