Breaking Bad: Equestria

by darkstar64

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Other
Length: 3823

Walter and Jesse end up in Equestria with the RV and decide that the cook must continue.

Walter White and Jesse Pinkman are becoming New Mexico's finest crystal meth cooks, using an old RV as a portable meth lab. When they drive out into the boonies for a marathon cook, they drive through a portal and end up in Equestria. Walt sees this as an opportunity to expand his business, much to Jesse's dismay. The two also get assistance from six ponies who have no idea what they're getting themselves into.

Published 2013-07-23 02:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-26 07:36:15 UTC

Chapter 1: Welcome to Equestria, Bitch

Walter White stood outside of the airport, clutching a duffel bag in his left arm. It was filled with a change of clothes for the weekend, as well as his toothbrush and medication. The middle-aged man was wearing a green-plaid shirt and a pair of brown pants, and patiently waited for his ride.

He had a sudden coughing fit, bringing his free hand to his mouth to cover his hacking. He relaxed for a bit, adjusting his glasses and gently rubbing his upper chest were his lungs were. After his latest visit to the hospital, he was worried that his cancer had spread and didn't have much time left.

Looking to his left, his mouth dropped in surprise seeing the RV pull up in front of him. The side door was covered in duct tape, hiding the bullet holes from one of their first deals gone wrong. Walter grabbed the door handle and rushed inside, closing the door behind him and glared at his partner, Jesse Pinkman.

"You brought a meth lab to the airport?!" he scolded.

"You said we were in a hurry. I saved us a trip." Jesse replied.

"Whatever, let's just go! Go!"

"Alright man, relax, I'm going." Jesse put the RV into gear as Walt settled into the seat beside him, and the vehicle pulled away from the airport and headed towards the desert.

Jesse was the one who suggested using the RV as a mobile meth lab, that way they would never cook in the same place more than once. It was easy to move their supplies and hide them from anyone. Several containers of powders and chemicals were kept organized on top of the counters of the RV, placed alongside among their sets of vials, beakers, and ventilation equipment. They also supplied their lab with food and other supplies for their weekend, planning to spend it using the rest of their methylamine supply to make a large supply of crystal meth and sell it before Walt's cancer gets to him.

It wasn't long before they had drove off the main road and into the desert, and eventually they were far enough into the boonies where no one could see them.

Suddenly, the RV began to shake violently as it went down the dirt road. Jesse struggled to maintain control as his hands gripped vigorously on the steering wheel.

"Yo Mr. White, something's wrong here!" Jesse shouted.

"What the hell did you do?" Walt questioned.

"I don't know man, this RV is just out of whack!"

"All right, just stop the RV and we'll take a look at it."

Jesse's foot went down on the brake pedal, but the RV kept going down the road.

"We got a problem Mr. White, no brakes!"

"Take your foot off the gas pedal!"

"It is off the gas pedal bitch!" Jesse responded, struggling to stop the RV to no avail.

While the pair of them attempted to slow down their portable meth lab, a purple glow began to emerge in front of the RV. The light blinded them, and eventually the RV was wrapped in a mystical purple aura.

"Damn it Jesse!" Walt yelled, covering his eyes.

"Don't freak out at me yo, I'm trying to stop it!" Jesse replied, trying to see through the aura.

Almost immediately, the purple glow disappeared and the two could see again. The RV was speeding through a grassy field, with a tree directly in front of them.

"Tree Jesse, tree!" Walt shouted, pointing at the tree.

"I see it! I see it! Hold on!" Jesse pulled the steering wheel over to his right, slamming down on the brakes. The sudden shift made Walt fall to the floor. This time, the brakes worked and the RV came to sudden stop, just short of hitting the tree.

"Yeah bitch!" Jesse screamed. "You see that Mr. White? You see that?"

"Yeah, I saw it," Walt said as he lifted himself off of the floor, lifting his glasses back on his face. "Why is there a tree in the middle of the desert?"

"I don't know yo," Jesse replied, looking out the window. "Uh, Mr. White. Something ain't right here."

"Ugh, now what?" asked Walt.

"Like, the desert disappeared."

"...What?"

"Look out the window yo!"

Walter took a good look out the window. In front of them was a wide open grassy field, with snow-capped mountains off in the distance. Gone was the flat desert land of New Mexico, replaced with scenery straight out of a painting.

"Did I fall asleep or something?" Walt asked. "Did you drive us all the way up north or something?"

"I didn't drive us anywhere yo, there was all that purple shit and suddenly where here!"

"A desert doesn't just disappear Jesse! I should have been driving and we wouldn't have gotten into this mess!" Walt yelled as he made his way to the door.

"Oh good, blame it on me." Jesse retorted. "Where you going?"

"Outside. There were problems with the RV and we have to check it for damage, and also make sure we're not near anywhere were people can find us!"

As Walter opened the door and stepped outside, he began to have another coughing fit and brought his hand up to his mouth. He took a deep breath and relaxed, wiping his mouth and began to get a better look at his surroundings.

There were two very shocked looking creatures looking back at him. One of them appeared to be some sort of purple unicorn, her mane and tail a darker violet colour. There was also some sort of tattoo on it's flank, an image of a violet star. The other creature was also an equine, but lacked a horn. It was orange in colour, and wearing a stetson on top of it's lighter coloured mane. This one also had a strange pattern on it's flank, but only this one had apples instead of a star. Walt only stared at the equines in shock.

"Hey Mr. White, I just checked our equipment and nothing seems broke-" Jesse stated as he emerged from the RV, only to notice the vibrantly coloured equines that were staring back at him. "Uh, Mr. White, what the hell are those?" Jesse freaked, pointing his finger at the creatures.

"Um... hello?" The purple unicorn spoke, making both Walt and Jesse jump in shock.

"What in the name of..." Walt muttered.

"Oh geez, this is really messed up yo!" Jesse stated as he brought his hands up to his head. "Where the hell are we?"

"Ok, everypony just calm down here," the orange pony spoke with a southern accent. "We don't want any trouble."

"You see that Mr. White?" Jesse asked. "They can talk! They are talking!"

"Jesse," Walt replied. "We didn't happen to try our product did we?"

"No way man, it doesn't make you hallucinate. And even so, there's no way we can both have the same hallucination, this is for real man!"

Frustrated and confused, Walter looked back towards the ponies, who eyed him back with a look of fear. He took a couple deep breaths and relaxed himself.

"All right Jesse, I don't know what's going on here but we're going to deal with it for now," Walt explained. "Just don't intimidate them or anything to make them afraid of us."

Jesse nodded in compliance as Walt turned to face the ponies.

"Uh, Hi," Walter introduced. "My name is Walter Hartwell White. And this here is Jesse Pinkman."

"...Hi," the unicorn replied, curious about the strange bipedal creatures. "Nice to meet you Jesse and Walter, my name is Twilight Sparkle."

"Twilight Sparkle?" Jesse replied, nearly laughing. "What kind of name is tha-"

"Jesse, shut up!" Walt scolded. "Let me handle this."

Jesse glared at Walt for a few seconds before looking back at the ponies. Twilight gave him a wierd look that made him look away.

"Ok, Twilight Sparkle." Walter continued, feeling weird for calling someone such a strange name. "Just what exactly are you?"

"I could ask the same thing," she replied. "Me and my friend Applejack here are ponies."

"Ponies... all right then," Walt responded. "Jesse and I are humans. Now, do you mind telling us just where exactly we are?"

"Humans, all right then," Twilight noted. "You are currently in the land of Equestria."

"Equestria?" Walter questioned. "Just where exactly is Equestria anyways? Is it close to New Mexico?"

"I'm sorry, but I've never heard of this New Mexico," Twilight answered. "We just only saw that purple light appear from nowhere and then your strange looking... carriage appeared."

"Hey, Mr. White," Jesse interrupted. "I know you're busy talking to the talking ponies and all, but shouldn't we be trying to get back home? I mean, we're obviously not even in America anymore, or maybe even Earth for that matter. And another thing..." Jesse brought himself closer to Walt so only he could hear him. "We have a meth lab in that RV! We can't let them see it!"

"Jesse," Walt whispered back. "We don't even know if these ponies have the slightest clue what meth is. We can just say it's our portable lab and I doubt they'll suspect a thing."

"Just what exactly is that thing anyways?" Applejack spoke up, pointing her foreleg at the RV. "The way it was moving it seemed like some sort of carriage, but it wasn't being pulled by anything and was goin' to fast."

"That... is our portable lab," Walt answered, Jesse giving a look of surprise as he said it. "Jesse here is my... assistant and we were in the middle of driving to our work site when those strange colours appeared." he stated while waving his hands for effect.

"A portable laboratory?" Twilight replied, her eyes beaming. "You mean can travel around in that thing and keep all sorts of equipment in there?"

"Yes, indeed. And it seems that... something happened to us that brought us here and we need a way home."

"I'm sorry, but I have no idea how you two got here," Twilight answered. "I'm sure if we ask Princess Celestia for help we can find a way."

"Princess Celestia?" Walt questioned.

"She's the co-ruler of Equestria, sharing the title with her sister, Princess Luna. Her magic is extremely powerful and I'm sure she could help us find a way."

"Woah, now just wait a second there," said Walter. "Did you say, magic?"

"Yes, I believe I did." Twilight replied.

"What, you mean like spells and shit?" Jesse spoke. "Like Harry Potter or something?"

"I don't know what you mean by Harry Potter, but yes Jesse, spells. Levitation, teleportation, defensive magic..."

"Ok, now that is just absurd," Walt interrupted. "I believe the word magic can be used in a metaphorical sense, but actual manipulation of the atoms and molecules surrounding us is just, well, it's impossible!"

"What?!" Twilight responded, shocked. "You mean, you don't have magic in New Mexico?"

"There's no such thing," Walt explained. "It's simply just a myth our ancestors invented to tell stories and explain what couldn't be explained with logic."

"A myth?!" the unicorn shouted, almost looking like she would pass out. "But it is real, I can show you!"

Walt stepped back a few steps as Twilight's horn began to glow purple, the aura transferring to a nearby pile of rocks. The pebbles began to glow purple themselves, and floats up into the air one by one around Twilight.

"You see Walt? Magic is more than just a myth."

Walt didn't respond, and neither did Jesse. They simply stared in shock at the floating pebbles, completely confused.

"What... the... fuck?" Jesse mouthed.

"No... that's just not possible..." said Walt. "How can you possibly manipulate objects like that?"

"Magic." Twilight stated.

"No, no. There has to be a more logical explanation than that! Maybe some sort of, chemical reaction in that horn of yours that somehow releases a sort of controllable gas that can latch onto objects and lift them, but as a chemist even I know that isn't possible!"

"Ok, you know what? Just whatever," said Jesse. "Talking ponies an... and magic? Forget trying to explain any of this yo, I just want to go home and forget about this. So how about we talk to this Princess and have her get us home!"

"I agree," said Walt. "And just what are we going to do with the RV? We can't leave it the open field!"

"Well, for now, how about we take it and leave it the farm?" Applejack suggested. "We can make some room in the barn, it looks like it can fit in there."

"All right," Walt agreed. "How far is the farm?"

"It ain't too far, just one of you start it up or however you work it and we can lead you there by hoof." she replied.

"I'd like to see this lab of yours!" stated Twilight, who was observing the RV up close. "Such an advanced piece of machinery! It looks a little old, but it's more advanced than any carriage we have! How exciting!"

"All right, all right!" spoke Walt. "Jesse, you follow Applejack to the farm carefully and I'll show Twilight our lab."

"Hey, uh, Mr. White? A word?" said Jesse as started whispering again to Walt. "Are you sure this is such a good idea? Letting her see the lab? I mean, we make meth, Mr. White! That's kind of illegal!"

"They don't know that," Walt replied. "And they don't need to know that. Let's just play nice with them until we can find a way home, and then when we get back, we find a better place to cook. Who knows what other strange portals exist, if this is at all real."

Jesse was dumbfounded that Walt would let some talking pony see the meth lab, but they had to stay on their good side if they wanted help getting back home.

"Ok, let's head to the farm now," said Walt. "C'mon inside Twilight, I'll show you the lab. Just don't touch anything."

"No problem!" Twilight replied excitedly as she jumped up into the RV.

"Ugh," Jesse whined as he entered the RV behind them. "This blows..."

Author's Note

YO BITCH! Hope you're enjoying this crossover so far. For the fans of BB, you should know this takes place before Season 3. So don't worry about spoilers. And don't forget the final episodes air August 11th.

Chapter 2: New Players in Town

Jesse slowly drove the RV behind Applejack, who kept turning back to look at the strange contraption. It was extremely loud, and smoke kept puffing out of the back through some sort of pipe. Inside, Walt was showing Twilight the lab and prayed that she wouldn't realize what kind of lab it truly was.

"It kinda smells in here." Twilight noticed, her muzzle twitching.

"Well, some of the chemicals we work with aren't the most pleasantly scented substances," Walt replied. "And although we try to keep our work space clean, the smell just sort of lingers for a while."

"Makes sense," said Twilight. "What's in this barrel here?" she asked, tapping the black barrel with her foreleg. "Meth... methylamine? Never heard of it before."

"It's one of the more dangerous chemicals we work with," stated Walt. "We always wear safety equipment when working with it, as to avoid any health risks."

"Why would you work with such hazardous chemicals?" Twilight asked, curious. "What kind of work do you two do?"

Jesse up ahead in the driver seat clenched his teeth, silently begging that Mr. White would come up with a reasonable explanation.

"It.. it depends on what our customers want," Walt quickly answered. "They inform us of what product they need and-"

"Holy shit, that is a lot of apples yo." Jesse interrupted as Sweet Apple Acres came into view. The plains and hills in the distance all had their own separate orchards of apple trees, each one with several fresh apples ready to be bucked.

"My God, how does she maintain such a large supply of apples?" Walt asked as he stared out the windshield. "There's gotta be hundreds of apple trees!"

"To be honest Walt, I don't know how her and her family do it," Twilight responded. "I know sometimes they hire seasonal labourers, but they handle the work pretty much on their own."

"All right, we're coming up on the barn here." Jesse stated, slowing the RV down as he waited for Applejack to open the barn doors.

"I'm going to help guide him in," said Walt, exiting out the door. "Don't want him scratching up the RV."

It took nearly ten minutes for Jesse to park the RV, nearly running over Walt in the process. After yelling at Jesse again, the noise had attracted the attention of three extremely curious fillies.

"What in tarnation is that thing?" asked the cream-coloured filly with the red bow-tie.

"It.. it looks like it can go faster than my scooter!" exclaimed the pegasus filly with the purple mane.

"It's... so dirty." stated the white unicorn filly.

"What are you three doin' in here?" Applejack questioned. "Ya'll lucky that RV thing didn't run you over!"

"Woah, what in tarnation are those things?!" the filly asked out loud, pointing her foreleg at Walt and Jesse.

"It ain't polite to point Applebloom," responded Applejack. "And their names are Walt and Jesse. They got a little lost I guess and we're just trying to help them get home."

"Uh, sup." Jesse greeted awkwardly, still weirded out by the talking equines.

"Oh, can we please ride in it mister, can we?" Scootaloo asked all excitedly, jumping in the air. "How fast can it go? Is it expensive? What does the inside look like?"

"Absolutely not," Walt replied, making the filly frown. "Inside of that RV is our portable laboratory and it can be dangerous for young ones. And it certainly isn't built for speed."

"Aw..." Scootaloo whined.

"Ugh, it's covered in dirt, and it smells," Sweetiebelle noted, her muzzle twitching. "I don't think I want to go in there."

"And that's another thing," started Applejack. "I know it's your lab and all, but it sure does stink. And this is a farm. If it's gonna be staying here, it's gonna have to smell better than that."

"Lab?" Applebloom responded, her head and ears perked up. "I got it girls! We could get our cutie marks in being chemists!"

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER CHEMISTS!" all three fillies screamed, making everyone cover their ears.

"Agh, no!" Walt complained, rubbing his ears. "I already said no one in the lab! And that includes ponies!"

"Aw...." all three fillies whined.

"Ok, Mr. White. If we're done here with RV, I'd really like to talk to this Princess so we can you know, go home." Jesse stated.

"Right, right." Walt replied. "And don't worry Applejack, Jesse and I will make sure our RV is cleaned top to bottom so the scent won't be an issue."

"Glad to hear it." said Applejack.

"Now, how do we contact this Princess of yours Twilight?"

"Oh, it's simple really," Twilight stated. "I'm her personal student and all, so I can mail her about everything and she'll help you two home in no time!"

"Wait, by mail?" Jesse repeated. "You ponies actually still use mail? You don't have computers or cell phones or anything like that?"

"Um, no."

"Letter... won't that take days for a response?" Walt asked.

"Not when you have a dragon." Twilight answered.

"Woah, did you say dragon?" Jesse questioned. "Like, actual fire-breathing dragons?"

"So it's safe to assume you don't have dragons in your world either?"

"Oh my god, this world is seriously messed up yo." Jesse stated.

"Just ignore him," Walt said to Twilight, who was about to object. "Whatever works to contact the Princess, that's what we'll do. Let's get started, shall we?"

-/-

After an awkward walk through a town called Ponyville (which made Jesse groan), filled with stares of frightened and curious ponies, as well as explaining everything to a baby dragon (which Jesse also whined about, not happy that it was just a baby dragon), Twilight's letter to the Princess had been finally written and sent via flame.

"Did you seriously just burn that letter?" Jesse complained.

"I was sending it, for your information." Spike explained, who decided he wasn't particularly fond of Pinkman. "It's a magical flame that sends it directly to Princess Celestia herself."

"Unbelievable," Walt muttered, staring in awe at the inside of the library. "An entire archive built inside of a tree."

"It's basic architecture really," Twilight stated. "Many businesses and residences in rural areas are built within the environment so that resources aren't used up and to keep the tree alive."

Walter's amazement at the scene was cut short as a sudden coughing fit made him stumble a little, grabbing onto a nearby bookshelf for support.

"Hey, are you okay Walt?" Twilight asked, concerned.

"Yeah, *cough* I'm fine," Walter replied. "I.. I take some medicine for that, I left it in the RV. We'll have to go back amd get it."

"Well, okay then..."

Jesse stared at Mr. White, knowing what was really wrong with him. Changing the subject, he turned his attention to the literature beside him. "So, what the hell kinda books are these anyways?" he asked, grabbing random books and flipping through them. "Star Swirl the Bearded, The Vanishing Star, Daring Doo..."

"Hey, I just organized those!" Spike exclaimed, jumping up at Jesse to grab the books back.

"Look, lizard, I may not be a librarian yo, but I do know that Daring Doo shouldn't be in the 'S' section." Jesse noted.

"Hate to say it Spike, but he's right." Twilight responded. "You'll have to check all the sections again and make sure they're properly organized this time."

"Ergh..." Spike groaned. "Thanks a lot. And I'm not a lizard, I'm a dragon- BUUURP!"

A burst of green flames shot forth from the lizar- dragon's throat, materializing a scroll mid-air before it dropped to the floor.

"Ah, I knew it wouldn't take long for the Princess to respond!" Twilight exclaimed, grabbing the scroll with her magic and unrolling the parchment.

-/-

"You sure we should be doing this?"

"Of course! An opportunity like this doesn't come often!"

"But the bald guy said..."

"Forget the bald guy, this thing is cool!"

"Yuck, it smells in here! What if some of this stuff is dangerous?"

"Hold on, I think there's some safety equipment here... these look like some sort of masks."

"And what is... Ph- Phosphorus? I wonder what we can make with it!"

"They got big boilers and everything! This will be easy!"

"Yeah! We can make the perfect batch and we'll be..."

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER CHEMISTS!"

Author's Note

Looks like we got some new players in town...