Nurse, bring me ze knife

by CrimsonExcalibur

Rating: teen
Tags: Nurse Redheart, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Gore, Dark
Length: 11173

Nurse Redheart has been assigned to a new doctor. He is one of the most famous doctors in Equestria (and her personal hero), and she is more than excited for her first surgery. However when the surgery begins... things start to get out of hoof.

Nurse Redheart loves her job, and she is a huge fan of the renowned Doctor Scalpel, so what could be better than Scalpel being on route to work at the very hospital she does? He ask's for her to be his newest protégé!

She can't believe her luck, but when she finally steps into the operating room, things get out of hoof quickly... and the first sign that things are going Downhill is that a rubber chicken is in the operating room.

Hopefully this doesn't turn into a case of Doctor assisted Homicide.
(Rated teen for cartoonish violence, and possibly later chapters... no most definitely later chapters)

Published 2013-07-13 14:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-10 07:11:16 UTC

I know what I'm doing

Redheart woke up to the heat of sun’s rays beaming through her windows, warming her face. Looking outside she saw the same boring town she sees every day. Sighing she got out of bed and started getting ready for the same monotonous work. Walking over to the same dull bathroom, she splashed a little bit of water into her face to wake up. Brushing her teeth she rinsed and showered. Work wasn’t bad, she worked as a nurse, it paid fairly well, and she was happy to help others… but it had become repetitious. Everyday somepony would come in sick, or with a broken arm or leg, she would help patch them up, and then they would be sent on their merry way. Literally the most exciting part of the day was waiting for Derpy to come in, as she often mixed up just about every address for the hospital. She put on the customary headpiece with the Red Cross, and she walked up to her drawer.

Reaching inside she pulled out a photo of her personal hero, Dr. Scalpel. He was a tan colored unicorn, with an inky black combed mane, in a white lab coat that had a bit of blood stained at the sleeves and at the tail (nopony knew why he walked around in it). Scalpel was one of the most famous Doctors in the world; working behind closed doors he would never let anypony see his work first hoof. All that was really known about him was that he had never lost a patient during his career; he wore a bloodstained lab coat wherever he would go, and he always kept a protégé around with him. However, said protégé was always changing, mainly because the old ones would quit for some reason or another. It had been his miracle work that had brought her to work as a nurse, and it was the mystery surrounding him that kept her pushing through the repetition of each day.

Putting the photo down she sighed and walked out of her home, luckily she lived right near the the hospital so she was able to walk to work every day. Entering she greeted the girl at the desk and turned down a hallway. She began walking to where she was needed to be before a friend stopped her, smiling about something she was hiding.

“Hey Redheart, did you hear?” she asked, it was obvious she was struggling to not come right out with it.

“No…” Redheart answered slowly, “what?”

“Oh… thought you would have heard…”

Slightly annoyed at the day already she wasn’t quite in the mood for this. “Cheryl, just tell me what it is, I don’t have time for this.”

Smirking at having successfully being an annoyance Cheryl finally came out with it. “Nothing… except for the fact that THE Doctor Scalpel is coming to work HERE, AND that he’s looking for another new protégé…” Having said this Cheryl sat back and watched the surprise light up Redheart’s face, and then they both joined in a loud squee.

“Really!?”

“Yes, really!”

“When is he supposed to get here?”

“Tomorrow Morning!”

The two friends talked for three minutes, chatting away faster than a speeding bullet. Nonstop before Redheart calmed down enough to remember she had a job to do. Saying a quick farewell she ran with renewed energy, rushing through the day as quickly as she could. The day went as usual today; Rainbow dash with a broken wing from a crash, Scootaloo with a broken leg from trying to replicate said crash, Derpy coming in looking for Sugarcube Corner, nothing too exciting. When the day ended she said her goodbyes and ran back home as quickly as she could.

‘I can’t believe it…’ Redheart thought, closing the door behind her. ‘He’s really… really coming here…’ Taking in a deep breath she calmed down and took her headpiece off, she just couldn’t wait for the next day. But then a thought came to her, what would happen if she didn’t even get to see him? If they did meet, what would she say to him?

‘He’s looking for a student, maybe I can ask… No, he would never pick me... But I have to try at least!’ Reassuring herself Redheart made dinner and went to bed early. By Celestia, Tomorrow was going to be perfect.

The next morning she once again woke up to the same warmth of the sun, got out of the same bed, and got ready as if today was going to be the same as any day… however she had a renewed look on her face. Smiling she put on her customary head piece and walked over to the drawer. Reaching inside she pulled out the photo yet again. Scalpel’s smile in the image gave her a bit of courage, today was the day she would become his assistant for sure! Almost bouncing to work she walked in to see the same receptionist as always, however she seemed a bit more depressed than before.

“Excuse me… Has Dr. Scal-”

“No, no he hasn’t, not yet anyway…” The receptionist cut her off, having obviously been asked that question at least 30 times.

“When would he be-” Redheart was interrupted once again, but this time by an unfamiliar voice that had a suspicious german accent.

“Right now... my dear Fräulein” Redheart pivoted around, coming face to face with the big name himself. He was dressed in a black suit and bow tie under his signature bloodstained lab coat. “Judging from your expression I assume you’re a big fan?” Wide eyed Nurse Redheart couldn’t even manage to stutter out a yes, so she simply nodded her head. “Oh, and by the headpiece is it safe to assume you vork here as well?”

“Y-yes, I work as a-a nurse!” shaking her head she takes a deep breath and calms down, she was sure she was shaking more than Pinkie Pie having a sugar rush during an earthquake. She had witnessed this mind bending event only once during her years… Pinkie’s friends were thinking she was going to tear through dimensions if she didn’t stop (the earthquake was a cruel act of chance). In the end Pinkie pie was injected with enough tranquilizers to kill an Ursa Major before she started moving at “Normal” speeds. “I’m… Redheart, it means so much to finally meet you.”

“Oh?”

“Well you’re the reason that I’m working in the field,…” Redheart suddenly became a bit nervous, quieting to near Fluttershy levels. “You’ve always been my hero…” She felt herself blush, and looked down in an attempt to hide her red cheeks.

Scalpel smiled as he walked around her, notifying the receptionist that he had arrived, and turned back to Redheart. Looking her over he looked deep in thought before his face lit up. “Vell Miss Redheart, as you probably know my last Protégé has abandoned me, and I’m currently looking for a new one. vould you give me ze honor and fill zat position?”

Astonished Redheart’s jaw dropped, she couldn’t move at all. She thought that she would have to fight, a dozen others to even have a chance to be selected… and then he walks up and gives asks her if she wanted to be. This had to be some kind of dream, or heaven, there was no way this was happening. “Vell venever you make up your mind they assigned me an office on ze top floor, room 34… Funny number really, but ve vill have time to talk about zat later, come meet me ven you’re ready. In ze meantime…” The doctor turned around and whistled. Two fillies entered the hospital, carrying several times their weight in luggage. “Excuse me, I believe ze elevators are having repairs, it would appear you need to take ze stairs.” The exasperated sigh of a two young fillies that were carrying his luggage filled the air.

Turning back to Redheart he winked and whispered “You can never find good help zese days” Before heading off, the fillies pacing at a snail’s rate behind him.

Redheart stood there for a five solid minutes (the girl at the desk timed it) without moving, and she still didn’t until the Cheryl walked in. Rushing into Cheryl’s face she tried to explain what had happened, but it mainly came out as indecipherable nonsense.

“Calm down Red, start from the beginning.” Her friend said as she put a hoof on Redheart’s shoulder. Cheryl listened intently, soon being overcome with the same ecstasy, as she hung on to every detail. After the nurse finished her story about the previous 60 seconds of her life they emitted yet another squee and hugged.

“And this is all true?”

“Yep, every last word of it.”

“Well don’t keep him waiting!”

“Right!”

While her friend ran off to join her hero at the top floor, Cheryl kept on smiling, but muttered through gritted teeth. “Why couldn’t it have been me?”

“Because you aren’t the main character of the story, and you have a job to do.” The receptionist answered, much to her surprise and confusion.

“Wha?”

“Oh don’t worry about it, I’ve been hanging out with Pinkie Pie recently, and we’re about to cut upstairs in a few seconds.”

“But what are you talking about?”

-----([Upstairs])

Nurse Redheart managed to reached the top of the final flight of stairs before falling onto the cold, hard, floor; she had rushed so quickly up them that she was completely out of breath. Taking a few minutes respite she got back up and entered the hallway. Looking to the nearest door numbers “43, 45, 46,” she turned to the right end of the hallway, towards where the numbers pointed to. Finding door she could hear a bit of ruckus from behind it. Putting her ear to the door she tried to listen in, right as a violent crash erupted from within. Wondering just what was going on she knocked three times and waited patiently. She heard a bit of scrambling before he finally cracked it open and poked his head out.

“Ah, Nurse, have you made your decision?”

“I have, the answer is yes!”

“wunderbar, now if you could just step in…” When he opened the door Nurse Redheart was shocked to see that the entire office had been changed from the normal office vector. He had painted the walls maroon, with a white molding. Along the sides of the wall several Tables held aloft exotic plants and works of art. Paintings and photographs of him and his many apprentices had been hung up around the room. Somehow he had managed to install several hanging lights, which lit up the room brighter than the sun would have from a window. Leading to his desk was a large carpet, the original desk having been swapped out for an impressive model made of mahogany. Behind his desk laid a queen sized bed that had some of the suitcases from before on them.

“I need your honest opinion,” He spoke up again “should ze desk be here…” using his magic he grabbed the large desk and moved it three inches to the left. “Or over zere?” Moving it back and forth for a couple moments before he stopped and scratched his chin as Redheart started voicing her questions.

“Firstly, may I ask when you had the time to do ALL of this? I had thought it was strange when you had the kids bring all of that luggage you were making them carry in, but It only took about ten minutes for me to get here.”

“Oh, vell magic is always helpful, I honestly have no idea how you live without it.”

Ignoring that he waved it off onto magic Red continued “Ok… and secondly, why is the bed in here, you don’t plan on… Living here, do you?”

“Sadly, I vouldn’t sleep in a hotel even if I could help it, all of ze houses had others nearby, really zis is ze only place zat is nice and peaceful.”

“Are you sure everypony is ok with this?”

“I brought it up with ze big boys in charge, zey vouldn’t argue with me.” That last lined worried Redheart a bit, but any other thoughts or doubts were immediately swept away by the fact that her hero was standing there… she was living the dream she always had. “Now back to ze important questions… here, or zere…” He had been continuously moving the table back and forth, constantly until he decided on a nice spot 6 inches to the right of where he began. “Perfect! Any other questions, miss Heart?”

“Uh, nope.” She lied through strained teeth; a thousand questions were circling in her head, most unprofessional fan banter. She did have a few legitimate questions though, like how he managed to work behind closed doors constantly, what was with the blood on the lab coat, was it true he had a Cerberus pup as a pet?

‘Oops, getting fangasm-y again…’ she thought, looking to her teacher who had moved onto a painting that he swore was off kilter by just the slightest.

“Vhy can’t zis just, be, STRAIGHT!?” In a fit of rage he swung the painting at the wall, but after looking at it again he smiled. “Ah, zat’s better, nice and symmetrical.”

‘Well… now I know why the others quit.’ Keeping this thought in the back of her mind she kept a hearty smile up. Unlike them she was going to stick by his side. All of the other students just didn’t have the conviction that she did, and she was going to prove it.

“Vell now zat we have the room perfect, we’re ready for venever zey call us in to do our thing.” He gleefully walked over to his desk and sat down in the chair, when a moment of realization came to his face. “OH vait! First couple days getting settled in, ja… vell luckily as I was coming here I ran into a delightful pink mare who taught me about ze magic of transition.”

The author, readers, and Redheart were all confused at the second breach of the fourth wall when he began searching through his desk, throwing pieces of paper and the occasional knife out of his way until he found what he was looking for.

“Now if zis works ve should jump to ze interesting part of ze story, just have to sketch zis right here, aaaand”

-----([Weeks later])

Nurse Redheart and Dr. Scalpel walked through the double doors into the surgery room, Scalpel making sure to lock the doors behind him. “Lately I have been getting some trying to peak in on my work, precautions, precautions.”

“But sir” Red began, a bit of a worried look on her face. “That seems very unprofessional, dangerous ev-”

“Shut up nurse!” He yelled, interrupting her “oops sorry, but I am ze doctor here, I know vat is best.”

A voice in the back of her mind was telling her that this wasn’t right… but suddenly it got quieter, other voices spoke over it, saying that she had been with him for some time now, and while he was a little unorthodox he always had that stroke of genius (and a little obsession) to him. She didn’t know what it was but he seemed oddly… compelling. Ever since they started she would never question what was asked of her, no matter how ludicrous. At first it was out of respect, but lately it had been something else. She didn’t’ know what it was… but something deep down was telling her to go along with this. Soon the voice spoke softer, and then it became a whisper, and then silence.

The two walked over to the operating table, one of the Canterlot royal guards was strapped down and had been put under, waiting for them. Looking over the tools around them she saw the standard equipment, but a few other tools were lying around as well, no doubt a request from Scalpel. An old-time bone saw was lying next to the normal scalpels, and next to it a power saw. On another table resided a hand drill, several screws, a bowl of cockroaches, a vat of glue, and a rubber chicken. On another table resided several syringes, most of which standard issue, but a few had strange labels on them. An orange one for example was labeled “Orange juice”, while a purple one next to it had “In case of emergency liver attack”. What really caught her eye was a black syringe, merely having “???” etched into the glass. On the final table rested a mini fridge and several small empty plates, also some mayonnaise.

“Ok Nurse, let us begin. Firstly I would like to say hello to Bob right here, ve vere great friends during ze war, although I doubt his name was Bob.” Patting the unconscious stallions face he placed a hoof to his chin while he began to pet it. “Hm, vas it Flash Sentry? No, zat vas that strange blue haired one zat never looked vere he vas going, strange bloke, kept bumping into me.”

“Doctor?”

“Maybeeeee it vas Iron Will… no, vait, it’s on ze tip of my tounge…”

“Doctor?!”

“I got it, it is-”

“DOCTOR!?!?!??!” Nurse Redheart screamed at the top of her lungs, breaking through to the ranting doctor.

Surprised by her sudden outburst, he replied, somewhat annoyed “Nurse, you made me forget!”

“We have a heart transplant going on, did you forget about that!?”

“Oh, ja, forgot about zat. Ve’ll just call him Bob zen, is zat ok vith you Bob?” Grabbing the patients head he tilted it up and down as if it was nodding. “wunderbar! Let us get started, shall ve?”

Pulling up a scalpel he squinted as he slowly lowered to the torso of the ~~Victim~~ Patient. “Now you vill finally see me at vork, vatch carefully nurse. I am now to making, ze first incision.”

Suddenly Losing all previous caution he violently stabbed through the flesh, pulling the small blade across the torso as blood began to leak out. Much to the horror of Nurse Redheart she watched as he carved a large square against the entire chest cavity. With surprising ease the scalpel cut through the skin and muscle, and without stopping levitated the square of cut meat out of the patient. Having revealed the ribcage he put down the scalpel and placed the flesh into the mini-fridge. Reaching for the Bone saw he stopped when he noticed the utter terror on his companions face, only being able to imagine what thoughts were going on inside her head... Only to be pulled back to the patient, who was losing blood quickly.

“ACH, NEIN!” Pulling up one of the syringes he rapidly began stabbing the patient “STOP LOSING ZAT STUFF, YOU NEED IT TO LIVE!” Eventually the stuff in the needle kicked in and the bleeding slowed down to a halt. “Ok, ve need to act quickly, let me get my…” And then he looked back to Redheart, who was still in a state of shock. “Oh, zat is ze first reaction from most, I don’t see vhy though, zis is all standard procedure.” Ignoring her he went back to work on the ribcage, cutting each on with expert precision using his power tool.

Nurse Redheart finally understood it all now, why he worked behind closed doors, why all of those before her quit; why he was so secretive… this Pony was, in all essences, not sane. She could see this clearly, and when the ugly truth showed itself to her, she had to think back on her life. She had been spending every minute of every day slaving to become better, all in the aspiring chance of working alongside her hero. This same pony however, still had the perfect history. How could somepony such as him who was so obviously deranged have such a past? Was her life chasing a big dream just that? A big dream? She could rush out those doors right now and show this madman off for whom he really was, but that would mean going back to her dull routine life.

“Drill” She heard him call while he held out a hoof, still intently working on a patient. “Come on Nurse, I don’t have time for any life changing decisions you might be having I need ze drill.” Looking to the tool she thought over it for a moment… and came to her decision.

‘Well this certainly isn’t boring’ she thought as she handed over the tool she watched him use it to quickly bore through the last rib. Removing the Sternum he revealed the slowly pulsating organs underneath, to which he began to frown.

“Hmmm, vell I think ve need much more zen a heart transplant. Don’t you?”

Nodding dumbly she wanted to see where he was going with this, and was surprised to see him reaching for his rubber chicken and another scalpel. Returning to caution he slowly nicked the left lung, freeing it he pulled it out of the body. Taking the removed organ he placed it on a plate and continued “Much to ze contradictory of most modern thinkers, ze left lung is unnecessary. In fact, it’s more hazardous than beneficial.” Pausing for a moment he set down the rubber chicken and reached into the mini fridge “Also it vas in ze way, so oh vell.”

Pulling out the good heart he handed it to Redheart, and went back to moving things out of the way. Redheart, just now realizing she was holding a real life pony heart, accidentally dropped the thing into the chest cavity.

“Nurse, I like vat you are thinking, a pony with two hearts… Ach, nein, ze old heart must come out, right Bob?” Making the still unconscious pony nod he smiled, but as Redheart began to speak he quickly shouted “SHUT UP NURSE!”

“Doctor, I didn-”

“I SAID SHUT UP! Honestly, vhy don’t you understand, vhen I need ze silence, ze silence is VAT I NEED.” Calming down somewhat he took her by the shoulder and pulled Red up close. “Listen, I am ze doctor, I know vat is best, I got ze degree… Albeit on ze same day I vas kicked from ze military for being too good, But never ze less I have it, do you think zey hand zem out to just anypony?” Turning her away he went back to his own work, the heart had been cut out and placed in the fridge, the new one had been placed in its place upside down, and the rubber chicken was put in its place very nicely… what was left?

“Ach!” He suddenly realized “How could I forget! Nurse, hand me ze sternum, verever zat ran off to, and ze glue.”

Nurse Redheart had completely stopped questioning what she was asked to do, and pushed the vat of glue over to him. She found the discarded sternum on the floor, being guarded by a bunch of rats. Quickly swatting them away she picked it up and handed it over, watching him dip it into the vat and placing it where in its original place.

“Ok Nurse, let us patch him up and call it a day.”

“Are you sure you want to leave him like that?”

“Oh ja, when he comes to he vill be feeling better than ever!” Taking the skin he took a few minutes to stitch everything back up and took a few steps back. “And vat’s done is do-… wait… something isn’t right…”

“You’re just figuring this out?”

“1, shut up, 2, hand me ze orange juice, I’m thirsty.” Rolling her eyes Redheart handed the Syringe over to the crazed doctor, who cheered with delight “To another successful procedure!”

==============================================

Later, after the patient had awoken, Redheart was surprised to see that he was still alive. In all honesty she had expected the events in the operating room to have offed the patient… but here he was, in bed chatting away with the doctor. Apparently they HAD been good friends in the military, and were catching up on old times.

“I can’t thank you enough doc, I knew you were the only one I could trust.”

“Ah, no problem at all B-” Stopping himself Doctor Scalpel looked at the notes at the foot of the bed “-omb shell, it was great to finally see you again. Now, are you feeling alright, anything hurting?”

“No, not at all… hell, I think I might be able to walk!”

“vell you are going to have to hold zat off for another time…” smirking he looked over to Redheart he continued “But it’s good to see you are doing vell, now try to get some rest, ve’ll see how you are doing in ze morning."

As Redheart and Scalpel walked out of the room and back towards the office there was silence, nothing but silence, until he whispered into her ear “Shut up nurse.”

Author's Note

Well this was an idea born out of a crazy night involving ponies, surgeon simulator 2013, a bit of markiplier, and way too much ponies...
Also I felt I would take a break from the Torn, see how I could do with a different writing style, different point of view, mix things up if you will.
**Side note, in the chapters to come our very own Doctor Scalpel is going to need a few more hooves in the operating room, and a few more pony patients to work on. If you would like to have a very special guest appearance leave it in the comments or message me.

All my Indistinguishable giblets

Stretching as he got out of bed Doctor E. Scalpel R. cracked his neck, getting ready for today’s exciting adventure. Walking over to the hazard showers he earned a few strange looks from some other ponies as he took a quick rinse. Finishing his high powered shower he walked out and levitated a comb which he began to use on his hair. Looking at himself in the mirror he flashed a toothy grin and started back to his office. Picking out his best looking black suit he tied his bowtie and put on his blooded lab coat, something about it comforted him. With a stride in his step he walked over to his desk and sat down. Patiently he waited for his student to arrive, they were supposed to discuss the benefits and drawbacks of organized lobotomy gangs… but something was off, why wasn’t the Nurse here yet? She had never been late, not even once so far… what was taking her?

Looking over to the clock which read 6:01, she was officially late. Shrugging it off he took a guess as to what might be keeping her. Perhaps an ancient evil from 1000 years ago was invading yet again… what was it about that time period, six hundred sixty six During Celestia, that made it so dangerous? Trailing off he pulled a piece of paper and began to write a letter, but immediately stopped when he realized that when written out, Six hundred Sixty Six D.C. becomes 666 D.C. “Go figure,” He muttered as he crumpled up and tossed the paper aside.

‘Vait, I’m trailing off again, how silly of me… hmm, its 8:05, now vat could be holding her up? Might it be a swarm of parasprites? No, couldn’t be, zat is hardly something to not show up for… Perhaps…‘ Suddenly a look of terror flashed across him. ‘Oh no, I didn’t…'

He raced to pull out a calendar. Flipping through it he arrived at today’s date, which had “DON’T FORGET” scribbled all over it in multiple colors.

‘Ze 23? SCHEISSE! Zis is bad, very, very bad. Perhaps I could save time with a transition.’ Reaching frantically back into his desk he grabbed what he was looking for aaaaand

----------(At Redheart's)

Redheart sighed, she knew that he would forget today… even though she had put note after not in his calendar. They we’re going to spend the day around ponyville, without worrying about work or apprenticeship, just the two of them and the entire day. She had done a little more than usual, she was even letting her hair down, just for today. Eventually the frantic knocking on the door she had been expecting sounded like an alarm, and she reluctantly opened it to a breathless Doctor Scalpel.

After taking a second to collect himself he began “Apologies, Miss Redheart, I had-” but she raised a hoof, her face unmoving. Without warning she stepped forward and grabbed him by the arm.

“Save it, we still have the rest of the day anyway…” quietly sighing again she closed the door behind her and began to walk with him. As they walked together she started up again, trying to hide her disappointment behind a shroud of excitement. “Well I was thinking that today I give you a tour of Ponyville, we could have lunch; maybe go bowling… perhaps we could even visit the arcade if we have time.

“Zhat sounds wunderbar, my dear; I have been meaning to meet everypony for some time now.” He replied cheerily, taking this as a sign that she wasn’t too angry with him “However I vas afraid zat some crazy fans might have tracked me down, I’m sure you know what I mean. So vere should ve go first?”

After thinking it over for a few seconds she answered “Well maybe we could go hit town hall, and then we could go to sugar cube corner, Pinkie would probably kill me if she didn’t get to throw you a party, and then we could circle around town, stop for lunch later, and then go bowling.”

“Seems like a plan!” Scalpel nodded “I have to thank zat Pinkie anyway; I can’t tell you how much help her advice has been.” As he said this they began to settle into a steady trot, passing three little fillies as they prepared for another one of their hair brained schemes. Two of them were pulling a slingshot containing the third back; a ring had been set up several meters away as a target.

“I don’t think you should be doing this” warned the seemingly only worried one of the three, a bit hesitant to pull her friend back any farther. “Don’t you remember what happened the last time you tried this Scootaloo? You were in a cast for weeks!”

“Yeah yeah,” Scootaloo waved her off “Don’t worry about it, I got it this time.” Helping her friends out she used all of her force to move a few steps back. Judging her angel she slightly adjusted before giving her friends the signal to let go. Rocketing off the young filly did a 720 spin in midair and aimed for the goal. Passing through the ring she cheered as she checked her flank to make sure it wasn’t blank, which to her disappointment was still without cutie mark. However greater problems were at hand, like landing. Turning back Scootaloo saw that she was headed right for a tree and began to flap her wings to no avail. Screaming, she shut her eyes and braced herself for impact… and the worst, until another force tackled her out of the way.

Slowly opening her eyes the orange Pegasus was greeted to Dr. Scalpel dusting himself off. “Now then” He started “I hope you’ve learnt your lesson, no more slingshots… I don’t vant to find you vinding up in my operating room now, do you understand?” To which a shaken Scootaloo slowly nodded. “Gut, Nurse let’s get going.”

Scootaloo nodded, however she was in another place, all she had really heard from Scalpel’s lecturing was the words “Nurse” and “Operating room”. Looking at his lab coat she had begun thinking of another scheme to find her destiny.

As Scalpel turned to leave her the other fillies finally caught up to their friend. “Are you ok?” they asked in unison as Scootaloo got to her hooves.

“Yeah don’t worry, I’m fine. But I think I know what we should try next… We should give surgery a shot!”

“Hold up, ah think we already did that… didn’t we?” asked Applebloom.

“Yeah we did,” answered Sweetie belle “We flat lined a rock and were sued by its family for malpractice.”

“Ok, sure we had a few bumps in the road before” Scootaloo explained “But with the help of the guy who saved me I’m sure we can’t fail.”

“You really think so?” Sweetie bell asked skeptically.

“Totally, he’s a doctor and… where did he go?” Scootaloo wondered, looking around for her savior, who had heard the last few lines of the conversation and had galloped away as fast as he could.

---------(Later at town square)

“…And zen I found out you can use syringes to take a blood sample, and as you can probably tell, ze patient was much appreciative, although I always did like my way better.” Scalpel finished his story as the two walked up to the Town hall. Approaching a statue near the building he gazed at it for a few moments. “Nurse, how long have you been here?” He suddenly asked out of the blue.

Caught off guard she answered, wondering about his sudden change in tone “All of my life… why?”

Without moving his eyes from the statue he responded “It just seems like a place rich with history is all, could you tell me some of vat you know?”

“Oh, well I don’t really know that much about it.”

“Don’t vorry about zat, there’s a library correct? I’m sure ve could learn much about zat later…” looking away from the statue he began to walk away from It. “But ze egghead stuff can vait for now. Until zen, vhy don’t ve check out zis ‘Sugar cube corner’ zat I keep hearing about.”

“Already? But we just got here.” A bit surprised at how he was moving on Redheart caught up with him.

“And now ve’re done here, ze plot calls.” Scalpel said calmly, but he had a stern tone, almost commanding… completely different from his carefree attitude 20 seconds ago. Taken aback by this Redheart took a deep breath and followed a bit closer. Giving him a few moments to get over whatever was going on in his head, she took a deep breath and let the awkward silence fill the air.

Eventually the two made their way to the Candy Destination, and by this time Scalpel had returned to his normal happy-go-lucky state. Upon entering, the two were greeted by the shrill shriek of surprise. Jumping up from behind the counter, Pinkie Pie dashed towards them. She would have tackled them to the ground had Scalpel not stuck out his hoof to hold the crazed mare out at arm’s length. Despite not going anywhere the pink pony was still running in place as fast as she could, bantering about parties and cakes.

“Apologies, but could you calm down, Miss Pie?” Nikolai asked, trying his best to hold the pink menace at bay. “I don’t have zat much time here, well as long as me and Redheart are to make it to lunch. Ve Vere just stopping by to say hello is all.”

“Aw,” Whined the Pink pony, her bouncing level’s decreasing. Perking back up she continued “But we can throw a party later, right?”

“Perhaps,” Scalpel paused for a moment when an idea came to him “Later Ve are going to go bowling, maybe you could throw it zere?”

“Oh that sounds wonderful” Redheart chuckled, before pulling the doctor back to her and whispering “I thought it was just going to be us today.”

“Vell I thought it vould be nice to have just a bit of company,” he whispered back. “What harm could a little party cause?” his grin vanished upon seeing the animosity on her face. “Oh fine.”

“What are we whispering about?” Pinkie cut in, popping in from between the two.

Looking between the two mares he sighed and replied “Actually, Pinkie… Do you think ve could schedule for another time?”

“5 P. M.?”

“No,”

“6 P.M.?”

“No, Pinkie, I mean-

“6 A.M.?”

“PINKIE! Ve can have ze party another day, I promise, but today von’t vork. Any other day is fine.”

“Will you pinkie promise on that?”

Despite the signals in the background from his assistant not to, he agreed, and began the ritual.

“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” The two spoke in unison, going through the motions and completing the dark sacrament.

“Okey-Dokey-Lokey” The young horse giggled, as the medical team turned to leave. But before they exited the door Scalpel called back

“Ach, I almost forgot, thank you for ze information on ze vonders of trransmissions.”

“SHHHHHHHHHH,” Pinkie raised her hoof to her lips “we’re not supposed to talk about that on screen.”

“Ve’re not?!” surprised about this turn of events Scalpel stopped in his tracks, “Nopony told me about zis!”

“Wait… you haven’t been abusing it, have you?”

Nervously looking around Scalpel answered “vat? No, no, of course not. Now I have to get going… see you later, Fräulein” backing up he chuckled before rushing out of the building, dragging Redheart along with him. Galloping as fast as they could the two didn’t stop until the sugary building was out of sight. Stopping to catch his breath he looked to Redheart and asked “by ze vay, vill zis ‘Pinkie Promise’ come back to haunt me later?” which to his dismay she gave a sorrowful nod.

After resting for a few moments they dusted themselves off and continued on. “Ze next stop on our little tour is ze library, correct?” He started up again, regaining his cheery demeanor. He saw the pain in Redheart’s eyes, true, he had messed up… but if he knew one thing at all, it was how to salvage a successful procedure from a putrid mess. ‘I’ll only have to stall until lunch; I’ll make it up then.’

“Yeah, that’s it…” Redheart answered, putting up a fake smile. She was disappointed with how things had been going, but there was something keeping her going. It wasn’t romance, at least… not yet. It was more of a fascination, how Scalpel got away with all he did, and how it always seemed to work out. For the love of celestia the man was honored throughout Equestria, HOW?! The questions swirled around in her head, constantly crashing and waving, it was a mess just to try and make sense of them. She had been like this ever since she had become his protégé, it was hard to think, and maybe it was love.

‘No!’ She thought to herself ‘that would be childish, unprofessional even.’ She wiped the idea from her mind, it couldn’t be that… that would require a change of tags; which the author was too lazy to do. Sighing to clear out all the thoughts in her head Redheart closed her eyes. ‘The rest of the day is ahead of us, can’t let what happened already ruin that at least.’

Arriving at the Golden Oaks Library Scalpel knocked a few times and waited patiently for the door to open. When it finally did, he and the one who opened the door locked eyes, unflinching as they stared the other down. The contest lasted for several minutes until the Redheart interjected “can… can somepony tell me what’s going on?”

“How did you find me?” the purple unicorn inside the doorway coldly asked.

“Luck? Destiny? I neither know nor care…” replied Scalpel “But it is a pleasure to see you again, Miss Sparkle.”

“Somepony? Anypony?” the nurse continued to cry, in an attempt to get either of their attentions.

“Why are you here?” The unicorn demanded.

“Because my latest student vas showing me around Ponyville. May I come in?” The two continued to stare at each other, before bursting into laughter.

After several more minutes of this Twilight finally calmed down enough to step out of the way and let the two enter. While she and Scalpel continued to giggle, a slightly irritated nurse was almost at her last straw. “PLEASE TELL ME WHATS GOING ON!” she cried, annoyed and confused. “HOW DO YOU KNOW HER?!”

“I used to be one of his students” Twilight explained through fits of laughter, much to her surprise “It was a long time ago.”

“Ja, und she vas one of my greatest students” Scalpel added “She lasted almost two years… but zen Celestia moved my brightest pupil to other studies. Speaking of vich, vat are you doing in a place like zis Twilight? I vould have thought zat you vould be in Canterlot, learning vith ze best of ze best.”

While the other two conversed Redheart thought about it, Twilight was really one his pupils? Well it did make a little sense, especially when she snapped… in fact looking when at that, the connection seemed more apparent. She would have so many questions to ask her when she got the chance. But that could wait until they were alone, away from the surgeon. However another though was creeping into the back of her mind, what if Twilight would steal her spotlight? What if she became his protégé again? The mere thought of losing him now terrified Redheart…

“And ven ze surgery was done, he threatened to sue me for malpractice. My response? If you didn’t van’t to be awake during the surgery, you could have said something!” Once again the two reminiscing ponies burst into fits of laughter. However seeing the look on his current pupil’s face he quickly collected himself. “Apologies, Miss Twilight, but ve vill have to catch up on missed times later.” Waving goodbye he took Red by the arm and exited the building.

“Wait!” Twilight called after them, but the door was closed behind them before she could even take a step forward. Exhaling, she suddenly jumped when she heard a strange rustling from behind her. Following the noise she was led to a pile of books that she had been organizing before her visitors.

“Is he gone yet?” asked a small terrified voice.

“Yes, he’s gone… but why are you so afraid of him?”

“Because the last time I saw him he was trying to remove my skeleton and put my brain in a jar!”

“Oh Spike, how many times do I have to tell you, Doctor Scalpel is a good pony, he would never do something like that.”

“Yeah, well say that again when he takes out my spine and puts it on a silver platter!”

----------(Transition)

Meanwhile with Doctor Scalpel, he was almost pulling his assistant depressed assistant along. Her hooves dragged the dirt road, and her sad demeanor contrasted her bright surroundings. She slowed done more and more until she was barely moving, at which point Scalpel stopped and turned around.

“Ok, vat is going on vith you?” He asked worriedly “I know today vas far from perfect but it vasn’t… Terrible.”

When he got no response he decided it was best to keep moving, but when he turned he bumped into a frantic looking pony. “Doctor Scalpel, we need you in the operating room, STAT!” he screamed “It’s an emergency!”

“Emergency?! Code blue? Code 7?!”

“Sir, the patient is in dire need, we believe only you can save her.”

“Ah, Code SomeBodyScrewedthePooch, I See. Come along nurse, ve need to get zhere, ASAP!” The doctor boldly charged in the direction of the hospital, but when Redheart stood her ground he stopped and turned back. “Vat are you vaiting for, a medal? I can’t do zis alone. Are you coming or not?!”

“Why don’t you bring along your star pupil? Why would you need me?” She answered him.”

“Where is zis coming from?” He asked, trotting to her side.

“All of today, it was just supposed to be you and me.” She whispered “but from today… it became obvious that-”

“Shut up nurse.” Scalpel cut her off, but this time it wasn’t a scream or a yell in anger… It was a gentle whisper in her ear, followed by a tight hug. Shocked speechless redheart could only let her mouth hang open as Scalpel patted her head. “Now zen, are you coming or not?” he asked again.

Still speechless Redheart could only nod her head as the doctor reached into his pocket.

“Wunderbar! Zen I’ll do ze honors.”

----------(Later, at the hospital)

Galloping down the hallway to his operating room Scalpel and Redheart listened as another doctor debriefed them.

“We don’t know how, but it would appear she was beaten within an inch of her life, sliced open, had several organs removed, and was accidentally set on fire. And these was the tools used by the culprits” The doctor presented a rusty old set of operating tools.

Looking them over Scalpel scratched his head as they turned a corner. “Ok, you might be missing a tool or two, who could set somepony on fire with just a few scalpels and some tubing?”

“The Cutie Mark Crusaders sir, the girl said she was suffering from broken leg when they decided they would help. Right now we can only assume that it was broken before they were finished.”

“But vat about ze fire?” he asked again.

“It was the CMC sir, any attempt to find their cutie marks that doesn’t involve their obvious skills somehow results in something burnt.”

“Ooh,” he giggled “I vill have to speak vith zhem about zhat later.”

“Priorities, sir.”

“Oh, apologies, sorry, I let my mind vander sometimes. Are all the tools I requested there?”

“Yes.”

Turning another corner they finally reached the double doors to the operating room. Upon entering he quickly pushed everybody except himself and Redheart out and turned to the mangled figure that he assumed was the victim. Past the burnt fur he could make out that she had a pink coat. Both of her legs were twisted in ways that shouldn’t be physically possible while still being attached, and were twisted in several places. Her right foreleg was stapled to her side, while the other one was glued to her plot. Her torso was covered in black bruises, several of which still seemed to be smoldering. Like the doctor had said a large incision made its way across her chest, revealing the pulsating innards. Lastly a plastic tiara was bolted into her skull. The only sign that she was holding onto life was the multiple monitors confirming this that surrounded her.

The same setup of tools from before was strewn across the tables, save the cockroaches that had managed to escape their prison and were now frolicking about in the vat of glue. However a few new goodies lined the little shop of horrors, including a monkey wrench, wire cutters, a glass jar filled with mysterious green goo, and a mysterious machine that held what looked like a small pointless pen over the patient.

“Stop playing around in zhere, silly babies” Scalpel muttered as he used the plastic container to scoop the insects up out of the glue. Sealing it he took another look over and complained “Looks like something out of a grimdark, ah vell, better get to vork.” Putting both hooves together he reached in and began counting. “Eins, zwei, DREI!”

Upon reaching three he ripped the arm free of its metal holdings. Quickly stitching the opened wounds closed he moved on to the legs. Cracking his neck, he began to bend them back into what looked like the right position. A loud, sickening crunch was heard with each bend of the poor filly’s limbs. When that job was finally finished he moved on to the bolts in the fillies head.

“Hmm… I don’t think ve can take zese out vithout a accidentally lobotomizing her… she von’t mind having zis stuck to her head from now on, right?” He asked Red while he poked the Tiara.

“Well, doctor, her name IS Diamond Tiara.” She explained while he looked it over.

“Zhen zis vas destiny... I von’t go messing vith zat shit again, especially after vat happened last time.” Patting the plastic toy he moved down to her chest. “Und as long as zis is here, ve might as vell check for any internal damage. Slowly stretching the cavity open he held out his hoof “Bring me ze new toy.”

While Redheart reached up for the mechanical device she asked him “Where did you get this? It looks more advanced than anything I’ve seen before.”

“Shut up nurse!” the doctor yelled on cue, grabbing the “pen” from her he began to explain as he began aiming for the ribs. “You see, zis beauty comes from another doctor I vas friend’s vith for ze longest time. Oh ze adventures ve had, hell, I think he’s even in ponyville right now!” Clicking a small button on the machine a bright beam emitted from the end of the device, slicing through the ribs like butter. When the last rib was cut he removed the sternum and took a good long look inside.

“Ach, it smells horrible in here, like spoiled bratwurst.” Reaching around inside he began messing around with organs. “Zis looks alright, und so does zis, seems fine, don’t need zat, shame we can’t extract that, ve’ll leave zis for now.” throwing the organs he deemed unnecessary into the mini fridge, he continued “Alright, seems all good. I still vish ve had a rubber chicken in her size, but ze lung vill have to stay for now.” gluing the sternum back in its place he slowly stitched the opening back up and took a step back to look over his work.

“Do you want me to handle the other foreleg?” Redheart asked, examining where it had been stuck.

“Nurse, don’t you understand? Zhere is no other vay, zat limb needs to come off.” Scalpel said unflinching.

“But… its just”

“AMPUTATION!”

“Its just…”

“NURSE, SHUT UP, HAND ME ZE BONE SAW!”

----------(One horrifying gruesome amputation later)

"Und now ve cut through ze"

----------(Oh god, their still going at it, sorry)

“And now ve spread ze goo on ze-”

-----------(Another censored scene later)

“Bandage everything up now, und get me ze orange juice, she’s going to be just fine.”

-----------(After the victory Orange juice syringe)

“Who’s messing vith ze transitions?”

------------(In the waiting room)

“Is she going to be okay?” Filthy Rich asked, worried about his darling Tiara.

“Oh ja, give her a few veeks bed rest and she’ll be just fine.” Scalpel confirmed happily.

“doctor, you’re a miracle worker… I can’t repay you enough, name your price. Money is no object.”

“However…”

“However?”

“I’m sorry, ve needed to amputate her foreleg, zhere vas no avoiding it…”

Despite this bad news, Filthy shook scalpels hook feverishly “If that’s the price my daughter has to pay for life, so be it. I don’t care, just as long as she’s alive. Thank you doctor.”

“Do not vorry about it, It is vat I do, take care, Mr. Rich.” Having finished explaining what was happening to the aristocrat he walked outside and met up with Redheart.

“And how did that go?” She asked.

“Rather vell, und now vith zat disaster avoided, how about ve go get lunch.”

“It’s 9 o’clock!”

“Dinner?”

“IN THE MORNING!

“Breakfast!”

“Sometimes… I… just… fine, let’s go eat.” On their way to the diner a though came to her. “Whatever happened to the Cutie Mark Crusaders?”

“Oh zhere being charged vith ze harshest punishment our judicial system can muster.”

“Community service?”

“Nein”

“Jail time?”

“Only for apple bloom, 40 years, ze apple family makes for surprisingly damn good lawyers.”

“And the other two?”

“Ze dictionary and ze chicken got ze death penalty, I called dibs on their body parts for later surgeries though.” Stunned by this information Redheart didn’t say another word until they finally got something to eat, and despite missing lunch AND dinner she wasn’t really that hungry.

Author's Note

Yes, I just killed off Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, No, I do not hate them.

In other news,
oh so many possibilities to chase after, perhaps Scalpel will keep his pinkie promise word, perhaps not, perhaps the conflict between Spike and the doctor might get blown out of proportion, perhaps there won't be orange juice in the next chapter. who knows?

*PS Somepony get working on an jailtime Applebloom pic stat!

*PPS Bonus points for anypony who gets me an applejack lawyer pic.

The fall of Tom's legacy.

“How dare you speak to me like zat!” Dr. Scalpel yelled in a most frightening tone at his latest patient. “I had thought you vould have some respect for ze one zat saved your life…” nopony else on the street moved, they were all paralyzed with fear and anticipation at what he would do next. Several of the other medical ponies could do nothing but watch the scene unfold from behind the safety of the glass doors. The burning hatred that he was showing was unlike anything they had ever seen before.

“…” The patient remained unflinching, his stance solid, he did not care about anything this mad pony had to say to him. Some guessed it was ignorance, others guessed valor, but whatever it was… this patient would not move from his spot.

“Oh I see how it is zhen… vell perhaps it vas wrong of me to expect anything else, from you or your kind…” Scalpel angrily retorted. A fire sparked in his eyes, and in response some of the citizens backed up in terror. Hoping to intimidate his mortal enemy, the mad doctor took 1 single warning step forward. “I vill give you zis last chance, apologize now! I do not vant to do zis!”

“…” The patient towered over the doctor, but his formidable size did not deter the germane. Still holding his ground, unflinching, he could not even look his foe in the eyes.

“I don’t care how big you are, nobody gets away with insulting my mother like zat! I swear to Celestia and on my honor zat only one of us vill valk away from zis!” He reached into one of his pockets and pulled out a rather large bone saw. The children were told to cover their eyes as the doctor dove into battle.

One was a pony, protecting his and his family’s honor, the other one who would not back down from anything, and when the two clashed it was a battle to be told for generations. Blow after blow, swing after swing, they went at it. When the doctor shoved the blade deep into the midsection, his counterpart somehow mustered the willpower to not even flinch. Not one of the onlookers would dare interrupt this, it was much more than a street brawl; it was a fight for belief and honor.

Nopony could stand to watch as the doctor swung and cut, missing every so often, but eventually he would land a lucky blow. The blade slid into his opponents muscle, chunks began to fly in all directions. Despite losing so much the doctor’s opponent was standing his ground firm.

However… what was this? Despite all of his strength and will power, he had taken so much damage and began to slant. Seeing this as his opportunity Scalpel went in for the kill. A little filly screamed as the maniacally laughing doctor sliced his opponent in half horizontally.

It was about then that Redheart walked up. Humming a merry tune, she passed the two combatants before realizing what was going on behind her. Taking a few steps back she asked “Um... doctor, what are you doing to that rock?” She looked skeptically at the doctor, who was silently celebrating his victory.

Finally noticing the crowd that had gathered around him he decided it was time to explain. “Well, as you can probably tell I hate boulders… disgusting bunch…” Gesturing to the crestfallen keystone he continued “Und zis ungrateful specimen came rolling to me for help. Naturally I vould never turn down a patient… even if it vas a… boulder…” it was obvious that he hated even pronouncing the word. “I spent days awake to keep him merely stabilized, und you know vat he does first thing ven he vakes up? HE destroys my last remaining picture of mother (bless her soul) and proceeds to badmouth my family line. I somehow managed to keep my cool until he got to my great great great grandmother, Zoe (bless her soul slightly more). Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore, und vell… zis happened”

When the doctor had finished his rant, Redheart decided it was time to give him yet another 5 minute time out, but before she could pull him away one of the ponies spoke up. “Thank you… mister…” he said, trembling and with tears in his eyes “You’ve just saved us from the Rolling Moss gang. By killing their leader, ‘Big Boulder’ Tom, the remaining gang members will have no choice but to skip town. For months they have been terrorizing the trade routes by blocking the way until they got their pay… but now… the nightmare might just finally be over.”

The crowd broke into a roaring applause; some ponies even broke down into tears of joy. Scalpel simply smiled and bowed while Redheart stood in ~~mild~~ incredible confusion. ‘Since when have we been terrorized by a gang?’ she wondered, but she shook her head, she and seen stranger things happen since Scalpel moved here. He once cured a case of the common cold, by shoving a pigeon and some birdseed into the patient’s kidneys.

By the time the crowd had died down, a parade and celebration had been scheduled for the next day. Scalpel casually waltzed inside the hospital while his less than cheery assistant closely followed. “May I ask for the reason you hate rocks so much?” She eventually asked, trying to reason out what had gone down outside.

“Vell, it’s not rocks,” He explained “it’s actually just boulders. Ach, I hate to just think about zem. You see, I had a bit of a bad experience vith ze lot. A friend's aunt's third brother, twice removed, was crushed by a boulder, ever since I could never bring myself to forgive zem.” Obviously not enjoying the subject, Scalpel decided it was time to move onto lighter tones. “But on an unrelated note, earlier today my beautiful little Cerbyarrived.”

“Your… Cerby?” Redheart wondered “And that would be?”

“Oh, ze little angel is resting upstairs.” Scalpel squeed “You can go up und see her for yourself; I have important doctor business to attend to.” The doctor trailed off and headed in another direction as Redheart turned into the stairwell. Making her way to the office she paused, hearing a rather large snore coming from inside.

Slowly opening the door she was greeted with the “Cerby” that Scalpel had been making the fuss about. A giant, three headed dog was sleeping in the middle of the room. “Cerberus…” She whispered under her rapidly increasing breath. Facing the sleeping giant she ever so quietly closed the doors and clapped her hoof over her mouth. The beast was sleeping soundly, but what if it woke up? The amount of damage one of those could do, especially if it was woken up, could be disastrous! What was the doctor doing, bringing a CERBERUS into the hospital?!

But then, she heard a familiar voice yell out in a disturbingly loud volume “HEY! RED”!

‘Oh no…’ Redheart thought to herself, as her friend Cheryl came running down the hallway. Putting her back to the door she quickly greeted her friend “Hey… Cheryl, not so loud…”

“Hm? Why?” She questioned back, confused and still using abnormally high volume.

Redheart rushed to think of an excuse, she couldn’t just tell her about the giant dog in the room behind her. “Um… there are patients… that are, uh…. sleeping! Yeah, you’ll wake them up.” she whispered.

“uhhhh, Red… you realize this is the office wing, right?” Cheryl asked back “Speaking of, isn’t that Dr. Scalpels office behind you?”

“No, no, this… doctor….” Redheart stuttered, too worried with keeping the door shut to make rational dialogue.

“I heard he’s doing an operation on the second floor, I don’t think he would mind if you would show me around.” Cheryl whispered.

“Um… no, he, ah….” Redheart continued to stutter, heart racing as she swore she heard movements from behind. “He’s terribly OCD, he will literally kill you if you touch anything inside there!” She suddenly blurted, hoping that would at least deter her friend.

“Meh, I’ve worked with patients that had even worse cases, now let me in!” she teased, pushing Redheart out of the way. Grabbing the knob, she opened the door without hesitation… and she was consequently greeted with three giant black snouts in her face.

Everything froze, even if just for a moment, nopony moved. Cheryl and Redheart were paralyzed, and the Cerberus was just standing there, motionless. The giant three headed dog made the first move, unfortunately, and in a flash of motion seized Cheryl in its middle mouth. Redheart screamed in terror as Cheryl was pulled inside, and she braced herself for the sickening crunch… that never came.

Opening one eye Redheart slowly craned her neck to peek into the office. Much to her surprise, instead of ripping her best friend to shreds, the giant mutt was lying on its back and enjoying a belly rub from the damsel “In distress”.

“Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? You are!” Cheryl mushed, obviously not in any danger whatsoever. “Is this what you were trying to hide from me Redheart, he couldn’t hurt a fly if he tried to.”

“But… but…” the confused nurse whined, officially having no clue what just happened.

At that moment Scalpel wandered down the hall, whistling some tune that would be oddly familiar had it been audible. Seeing the situation he happily cried “AH, I see your friend and my darling Cerby have ben acquainted.”

Having officially lost all hope in trying to reason with the situation out Redheart turned to the doctor. “Wait, doctor… don’t you need to be somewhere?”

“Do I?” he wondered, rubbing his chin in thought.

“A surgery, ring any bells?”

“No, not really.”

“Then what was that business you had to attend to!?”

“Zhey ver selling peanut butter squares in ze mess hall, I even got you one” he casually explained as he held up one of the aforementioned square slices of peanut buttery goodness.

“I… I’m going to go get a coffee.” Redheart sighed. Unable to take any more of this madness, she began trudging her way to the cafeteria in defeat.

“Wait! don’t you want your square?!” The doctor called after his assistant. When he got no reply scratched his head in wonderment, amazed that she had turned down the slice of heaven. “What’s her problem?” he asked Cheryl and Cerby, who were just as confused as he was. Eventually all three of them shrugged and the two ponies went back to loving the giant puppy, not letting Redheart’s angst get them down.

------(several hours of Cheryl playing with Cerby later)

Redheart had finally come back with her coffee, Cheryl was still having fun with Cerby, and Scalpel was doing… whatever he does in his spare time. At some time around seven a knock came at Scalpels door. Putting down the weapon grade plutonium and the rubber chicken, he lazily walked over to the door and opened up to meet Derpy sitting patiently.

“So sorry, if you’re looking for the mail office, its three floors down.” He chuckled, but was surprised when Derpy shook her head and took out three letters and a muffin. Handing them to him the grey Pegasus tipped her hat and flew off in no particular direction. “Such a nice girl, but moving on.”

Looking up from her coffee Redheart asked “oh? What did ya get?”

“Vell let us see here…” Scalpel mumbled as he opened the first letter. “Ah, it’s from my old friend. He’s doing fine vith his new shtick, and it pays exceptionally vell.”

“Oh? What does he do now?” Redheart asked, taking a sip from her cup.

“Vell he used to be a doctor, but after losing his medical license (some mess involving toothpaste, a skeleton, and the entire cast of Full House) he went on to be a paid assassin.”

Upon hearing this Redheart almost choked, spitting out her coffee she yelled “And you’re friends with him!?”

“Vhy vouldn’t I? ve grew up together, he was quick vith ze joke, and he’s one of ze best doctor’s I know.” Scalpel said, already beginning to open the next letter. “Oh, and between us, back in medical school he took a hit for me ven I accidentally swapped ze professors bones vith glass. He’s a great friend through und through.”

“But he KILLS p-” Redheart began to shout, before Scalpel cut her off.

“Shut up nurse, ve’re moving on vith ze next note. Now let’s see here… AH, a letter from our little friend Pinkie Pie, It’s an invitation to zat party she’s been meaning to throw… but vat’s zis? It’s scheduled for tomorrow. Oh zat just von’t vork, zat’s vhen ze celebration is… I’m sure she vill understand.”

This time, it wasn’t just Redheart that was worried. Instead, Cheryl spoke her worries about the situation. “Um… Dr. Scalpel, I’m not sure that’s a good Idea.”

“Und vhy not? I did save ze town from a terroristic gang of boulders.”

“You pinkie promised that you would show up to the party she was throwing you… whenever that was. It would probably be best if you…”

“You’re a nurse, correct?”

“Um… yeah” Cheryl replied, confused by the question.

“Zhen shut up. She vill understand. Moving on.”

“Doctor, I don’t think-”

“Ach! I said moving on! I said ve’re moving on!” glaring at the others, he grumbled inconsiderate words under his breath as he opened up the last note. “It is from… oh zis can’t be right…” The note had nothing on it except a black hoof print and the text “We know”.

“Probably just junk mail.” He said, crumbling up the paper and tossing it aside without a care in the world, much more interested with the muffin than with any meaning the note possessed.

Author's Note

Just how many different groups will want scalpel dead by the next chapter? (hint: there's already at least 32)

Also, anybody want Nurse Redheart's peanut butter square? she never took hers.

In even more unrelated news, coming up next:
Parades,
Broken hearts, followed by mindbending rage
'How to Dissect a Changeling while Keeping it (mostly) Alive'
And canned spraycheese from the heavens.