Humans in Equestria

Well here we were, being floated along behind one very disturbed unicorn mare that had to take time off at her job just to take us to the town hall. Not like there was an actual orphanage in Ponyville, because I bet that would have been the first stop if there was. Matt had finally started to calm down, still didn’t know what the fuck that was all about but the tears had finally stopped and now he was rubbing his eyes clean. Oh and wouldn’t you know it, everywhere we look there are ponies staring at the two new children being levitated away to places unknown by a working member of their society. Yes, things were going just about as well as I could possibly have hoped them to be, next thing you know Pinkie Pie would pop out of nowhere and want to throw us a party; someone please shoot me if anything that pathetically cliche happens. I really mean it.

“What...where are we going...Ash?” Well at least he was remembering to keep the whole name thing up.

“Well if you hadn’t been such a big cry baby you would have heard that we are being taken to the mayor’s office. Apparently, they deal with runaways and orphans around here so good job dropping that bomb.” If anyone was having a hard time telling, I wasn’t exactly in the greatest mood.

“Sorry I just...I have no idea what came over me. I just got super sad all of a sudden,” he said as he wiped the fur around his eyes dry.

I sighed, “Yeah, well we were going to get found out sooner or later. Might as well be sooner so we don’t waste any time starving. Can’t say I’m not interested in which of the mane 6 we get saddled with.” Ha, horse pun.

“The mane 6? Really, that is what you are concentrating on. There are bigger fucking things to worry about!” At the outburst the mare levitating us along stopped suddenly and turned to glare at my friend, though I guess we were playing that he was my brother, I couldn’t help but snicker at the way he wilted immediately. “Sorry,” he squeaked out.

“And you,” she said turning the glare on me. I have to admit she was one scary ass mare, and all my humor at the situation immediately left me. “Stop teasing your brother, crying is nothing to be ashamed about.”

“Yes ma’am,” was my immediate reply. Wow, I’m a little bitch, I really need to work on that. I usually like to think of myself that would just laugh when someone tries to get serious with me, but now I was left recalling just how big of a punk I had been back in grade school. I immediately resolved at that time to make sure that I had more of a spine this time around, or at least as long as we were stuck like this. The mare detaining us began to move once more and we started talking again though we made sure to keep our voices much lower.

It was midday now in Ponyville and the citizens were out doing whatever it was that ponies did around midday. I could kind of make out the town hall over a few buildings in front of us which meant that we didn’t really have a long time to plan or anything so time was definitely not on our side.

“Alright man we need a plan,” I sated as I leaned as far as was physically possible towards him.

“Alright, what’s your idea?” he asked.

“Well since I’m bigger than you, and have a cutie mark already I’m going to say I’m your older brother. That alright with you?”

Matt, no dammit it was Steel now. Steel shrugged apathetically, “Sounds alright with me, means you have to do all the talking though.”

I smirked at that, “Oh you know I love spinning a good story. Don’t worry bro, leave it to me and it will all be smooth sailing.”

“Good, because we’re here.” My head snapped forwards once again at that remark to find that we had in fact reached the town hall. Once again I found myself marvelling at just how huge the buildings were as we entered only to remember that it was me that had become smaller. Inside was what you would usually expect for any bureaucratic building, clerks and secretaries were sitting behind desks working in the back rooms and at the main counter in the lobby sat a slightly older mare who smiled at the one dragging us as we were brought over to her.

“Good morning Quick Note,” our foal napper began, “I have a pair of colts here that I think are in some need of counseling or help.” Oh great, another thing I oh so missed about childhood, being talked about like we weren’t even there.

The elderly mare at the desk, who I was now assumed to be Quick Note, looked around our captor to see us floating helpless there “Oh dear, what seems to be the problem?” she asked.

The mare, who’s name I had still not gotten, leaned forwards and whispered a few words that I strained but failed to hear to Quick Note causing her to gasp. Immediately she was up from her seat and ushering us to a back room which turned out to just be a small waiting room like you would find in a doctor’s office. We were dumped off inside the overly green room, yes all the furniture and carpeting was green, and left alone as the two mares closed the door behind themselves and started talking outside.

“Well...are you ready for the psychiatrist?” I began. “How badly do you think we can freak them out?”

Steel tapped his chin “I don’t know, you do know a ton of perverted shit, and I know for a fact that you have written clop. I myself would lean towards the super gore and serial killer side so you take the rape victim angle, and things should go great right?”

I rolled my hoof in front of me, the gesture came naturally by now which I was grateful for “Sure, I get pitied and put in protective care, and you get locked up in the insane asylum for life. Sounds fun right.”

He seemed to pause for a moment, probably reconsidering and coming up with a new tactic. “Alright new plan,” called it, “we try to play ourselves off as geniuses so that we can get special treatment or something.”

That idea did have some merit “Only problem is we know nothing about pony history, and you never went to high school. How are you going to pull off anything remotely close to super genius. I mean I can show them some calculus level equations and solve integrals and the like, but that probably won’t be enough.”

“Alright well you be the super genius older brother, and I’ll just be the cute one,” he said crossing his hooves in what could only be interpreted as a pout.

“Hey don’t make me Kaiba, dude. Actually nevermind I like Kaiba, so I guess that could work. At least that way they shouldn’t separate us which would be a huge benefit right.”

“Right.”

At that moment the second door in the room opened and a white unicorn with a green suit jacket on entered. She had her hair pulled back into a classic librarian bun, and levitated a clipboard at her side which she was scrawling on. I looked for her cutie mark to see that it was a clipboard that looked identical to the one she was holding, I caught myself wondering for a moment if it was rude to stare at a woman’s ass like that or was it a customary thing to do when meeting someone new. I felt no attraction towards her and I bet she wouldn’t expect me to at whatever age I was so who really gives a shit right.

“Alright you two...looks like we don’t have your names. Can you please come with me inside of my office?” She continued to stand there as we got up off the floor.

“Yes ma’am,” Steel replied as he scurried into the open room. I choose to keep my silence as I also walked inside.

Once we had made it in she shut the door with her magic, seriously how jealous do they want to make me, I want magic! She then proceeded to walk towards a nice plush cushion just off the center of the office that was across from two more cushions, also off the center of the office. Between the two seating spaces were a mass of juvenile toys meant for three year olds and probably put there to make children feel at ease or distract them into revealing more than they want. She waved us towards the two cushions and we obediently crossed the room to sit down.

“Okie Dokie,” she began and it was at that point I could tell this was going to be painful, “what are your names hm?”

“Burnt Steel,” came the immediate reply followed with the puffing out of the chest he had done earlier. I really didn’t understand why he was so proud of thinking up a name, but the councillor or whatever seemed pleased by the reaction.

“Ashen Stroke,” I stoically followed. “And who am I addressing?” Since I was going to try and play the older and more mature of the two I might as well try and channel my inner child genius, even though I didn’t have such a thing.

“My name is Spring Shine.” Of course it was. “I have been told you two are a very special set of brothers that have found their way into our little town. Tell me, where do you two come from?”

Alright it was time for my lying skills to go to work. If Steel over here was unnaturaly gifted in the art of sarcasm then I was just as strong in the way of pulling random shit out of my ass. “We were born in Manehatten, but we haven’t lived there in...a long time.” I mentally congratulated myself on keeping it vague.

“Oh, where have you been living since then?”

“Here and there, we haven’t really had anywhere we could stay for too long.”

She studied me again, perhaps she was trying to figure out my lie, and I was doing my very best not to give myself away. “I see, what is this about your parents that was mentioned to me earlier. Where are they?”

Now this was a difficult stream to navigate “Our parents...they died.” Keeping the vagueness up would probably be the most important thing.

The mare genuinely looked heartbroken, but I guess that would be how most councillors are supposed to look when a child tells them that their parents are dead. “Do you two have nopony to look after you? No family or friends of your parents maybe?”

I had to be fast with my reply this time “We don’t need anypony to look after us! We only need ourselves!”

She shook her head and wrote something down on her clipboard. “That isn’t right, young colts such as yourselves need a grown-up to look after them to make sure they are fed and taken care of.”

I huffed at that, seemed like the right thing to do at the time “Don’t need any adults.”

Spring tittered, it seemed like doing something childish like that just helped to sell the story even more. Was it this really to manipulate an adult as a child because I did not remember it that way. “And when was the last time either of you went to school?”

“School’s dumb.” I said crossing my hooves. Okay new plan, if I can just be as childish as possible then they shouldn’t think that anything is up right.

“School’s dumb.” Steel parroted, I would have been impressed at his acting if I didn’t know that was how he really felt.

“Oh come now, I’m sure that it isn’t all that bad. You get to meet and talk to a bunch of ponies your own age don’t you?” At this I simply shrugged, which caused her to sigh. “Alright now I have a bunch of questions that I need each of you to answer.”

And then began the lightning round of questions, most of which were incredibly invasive and quite frankly really difficult to make up answers on the spot. When asked how old we were I had just about no idea how to answer so I put myself at age ten and Steel at nine, I couldn’t even remember what I said our birthdays were. Everything else was quickly and easily forgotten though Spring made sure to write everything down on that clipboard of hers. It took forty minutes for us to finally finish if the clock I had watched like a hawk that hung behind her was any indication. The toys set out in front of us had actually become interesting after the twentieth minute and I had busied myself with killing a couple of little soldiers while Steel had taken the blocks. I had to say he was doing really well playing a child, or at least I hoped that he was playing a part.

“Okay,” Spring said as she stood up and walked to one of the two exits in the room, “why don’t you two just keep playing here while I go have a boring chat with some other grown-ups hmm?”

I nodded idly and Steel didn’t make any motion so she just simple left us there. As soon as the door was closed I dropped what I was doing to turn and talk with him. “Alright that went pretty well don’t you think?”

He likewise stopped what he was doing. “Great, if I didn’t have to play an idiot.”

I tilted my head at that. “You know you didn’t have to play an idiot right?”

He sat there looking at me stunned for a little while. “Whatever,” he said eventually, “what do you think they will be doing with us now?”

I tapped my chin. “Well if the multitude of stories I have read have taught me anything,” they didn’t, “then the next thing that will happen is we will be dumped with one of the mane 6,” we weren’t.

Steel also took on a considering look at this. “You don’t say. Well which one would you prefer? Obviously given my current condition I would have to go with Rainbow Dash.”

“Wrong, not only would RD never just take in two random kids but her house is also made out of clouds and I have no wings. Ergo, it won’t be her. Looking at it now since we have yet to meet anyone of the Apple family and since they are usually introduced early I think it will be them. They have a big house and probably plenty of space, not to mention that AJ seems like the type that would take in some kids down on their luck.” I thought it was sound reasoning at the time.

“You know I never really understood that, not that I read any HiE of course, but why is the Apple family always such a recurring thing. If the polls are anything to go by then AJ herself isn’t ever really seen as best pony so why do they always come up first. Either way it does sound like a plausible thing. If we used process of elimination then it would probably make the most sense. Rainbow lives in the clouds, Rarity is too invested in her work, Pinkie is...Pinkie, Twilight is probably not fit for it at all, and Fluttershy has too many animals she has to take care of,” he concluded.

“All fair points,” I agreed, “but don’t count out Pinkie so easily. One of my favorite stories has a colt taken in by the Cakes who Pinkie lives with so technically I think that counts. Twilight and Rarity are probably out as well since neither of us are unicorns, and Fluttershy does lack the room. So AJ it is.”

“AJ it is,” he said with a nod. “So we just wait here for them to come pick us up and take us to the farm, so tell me Mr. HiE Expert what do we do once that is done?”

I quickly ran through all I knew of the genre in my head “Well...Twilight or Celestia obviously have the answer to our problem, that much is a fact. I think the best course of action for us once we have been relocated to the farm is to try and search out the library and all available resources for our escape route. Once that is found bam, we are outta here.” Steel just stared at me for a little while. “What?”

“That’s the best you have, really?” he asked.

“You don’t think it’s a good plan? I would love to see what you have that is any better.”

“I didn’t say it was a bad plan, I just thought that since you read so much about it you might have something a little better than ‘we look through the library and hope there is a book about it.’” He even did the little air quotes though that was much more difficult without actual digits.

“Well what do you want me to say, every story is different because people want to be unique you know. Eventually everything always comes to a head with Twilight finding out or something similar so our best chance for survival here is to make sure that absolutely never happens. We also have to work to get home too dick, so if you got something better spit it the fuck out!” Wow I really hoped that nopony else heard that little outburst.

A few knocks were heard coming from the door “Is everything okay in there?” Spring called.

“Just fine Mrs. Spring,” I responded without missing a beat, “isn’t that right Steel?”

“Yes we are all okay in here,” he called back as well.

Her shadow remained on the dark blue glass of the door for a moment before it finally started to move away “Well alright then.”

Steel turned to glare at me. “Way to go dumbass,” he angry whispered, “why don’t you just shout to the heavens and get us found out.”

“Alright I get it,” I shot back, “don’t go yelling stuff like that. So don’t piss me off so much and we won’t have to worry about it douche.”

“Oh I’m the douche?” he said, his voice picking up somewhat. “You got me sent to this fucking place and I’m the douche? You son of a bitch, this is your god damn problem to figure out so figure something out already.” To punctuate his point he punched me in the arm again, it seemed he was getting better at that since this time it actually stung somewhat.

“Don’t do that,” I warned.

“Oh don’t do what? This.” He punched me again, in the exact same spot!

“Alright Matt you are really starting to piss me off. Stop it.”

“Oh I’m pissing you off? I’m pissing you off!” Now he was the one screaming. “I am the one that should be pissed off here!” He punched me again and then it was on.

I jumped his little scrawny pegasus ass and knocked him over. He hit me in the face with a lucky shot so I kicked him in the stomach, and managed to knock the breath out of him. I tasted a little bit of copper in my mouth and glared down at him as he started to get back up. I put my two forehooves on his chest to make sure that he couldn’t move “I have had just about enough of your bullshit.” I raised one of the hooves holding him down to return the punches he had given me but was stopped as I heard somepony clear their throat behind me.

Both of our heads quickly whirled to see Spring standing in the doorway with a tan earth pony stallion whose black mane was combed back over his head. “This is Mr. Rich, you two will be staying with him for a while until we find a better home for you.”

I was kind of too shocked by this new development to even move off of my friend I had pinned to the ground “Oh you have got to be kidding me.”