Not so Royal Guards

by Aquarius

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 1823

Meet Sunbeam a Green stallion with yellow hair and Raybeam a yellow stallion with green hair, two unicorn brothers enlisted in the Canterlot royal guard with ranks so low they had to make up a new name for it, Bronze Armor.

These are there adventures.

Inspired by the web comedy series Troopers by Collegehumor

Published 2012-02-21 12:04:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-02-21 12:04:01 UTC

Wait.... Demotion?

Raybeam was suited up in his bronze armor and standing behind a desk in a small office with a magazine glowing yellow and floating in front of him with a large title in bold letters that read -plots- "oh yeah, spread that frosting" he said to the magazine when the sound of a door opening made Raybeam Jump and then quickly threw the magazine away before grabbing another one titled -Cooking with Pinkie- and then laying it on the desk were he then opened it to a random page.

"*ugh* i cant believe this is happening again" Sunbeam said as he made his way into the room also in his bronze armor with a scroll floating next to him, glowing gold yellow when suddenly Sunbeam stopped at the desk and then sniffed the air with a curious look on his face "what smells like shame and regret?"

"what? oh.. no i don't smell anything i was just um... looking threw this um... cook book" Raybeam said as he was looking threw the magazine before tossing it away "so um... hey there... whats that?" he said while pointing at the scroll next to Sunbeam.

"take a look" the scroll floated onto the table opening in front of Raybeam to read.

Raybeam looked at the scroll and read it out loud "by royal decree the Beam brothers have been demoted to rank bronze armor negative ten" Raybeam looked over the scroll again rereading it over and over till he hung his head low "*aw* man.... and negative nine food was so good"

"we only got fed dirt.... and that's exactly what were gonna be fed now"

"yeah but negative nine dirt was sooo goood"

"that's the same thing you said about negative eight food"

"well yeah so uh..... how did this even happen?"

"your seriously asking that? after what you did with target practice?"

Raybeam was in a hallway with a earth Stallion who has red fur and white armor.

"this armor, totally magic proof, go ahead blast me with some magic" Target practice said with a smug look on his face.

"man i don't know, i mean i just got demoted to negative nine and all that an-"

"*oh* whats that? i think i hear a puss, common puss hit me right in the chest"

"well ok i guess, alright, alright here we go" Raybeams horn starts to glow as a blast of magic shoots out and then ricocheted off of Target Patrice's armor and then back at Raybeam "yikes!" Raybeam ducked just in time as the blast went over him and then exploded, Raybeam then turned around to see Princess Celestia with her coat colored Pink and a shock expression on her face.

___________

"ok i.ll admit i screwed up there, but that wasn't nearly as bad as when you freed Nightmare Moon"

"again that was you"

"*oh* right"

Raybeam and Sunbeam are standing next to a pedestal with a glass covered button on it while a Pegasus guard with a white coat and gold armor stood in front of them.

"alright idiots i need you two to just stand there and guard this button that opens Nightmare Moons prison on the moon"

Sunbeam rubbed his chin with his right hoof with a curious look on his face "i thought Nightmare Moon was to be released when the star's are inline or some magicy stuff like that"

"don't be a dumbflank that's just a tale to keep the citizens inline, now stay here and guard this button" the gold armored Guard then turned around and walked off leaving Sunbeam and Raybeam alone.

"*ugh* what a jerk were not that big of a screw up" Sunbeam then sighed and turned to his brother "hey i gotta get to a bathroom think you can stand guard for the both of us?"

Raybeam who wasn't paying attention to everything that's been said simply nodded his head and while Sunbeam was walking away, he looked at the button "*oooo* a shiny red button, i wonder what it dose"

___________

"*oh* so im such a screw up like buck me, buck Raybeam"

"yeah buck you"

"at least mom didn't give me a mares name"

"you shut up, you just shut the buck up right there" Sunbeam said as he slammed his left hoof on the desk "anyway i got a idea to get our old ranks back.

____________________

Sunbeam and Raybeam are standing in the castle dungeons with a large diamond dog with his hands cuffed between them.

"this was your big idea?" Raybeam stated "guarding this criminal while we wait for him to be transported... and dose this thing even speak our language?"

"brother you are being extremely offensive right now" Sunbeam then pointed his right hoof at the diamond dog "he's clearly a northern diamond dog and as we all know they can understand us but will only communicate in there language"

The diamond dog struggled with his arms to get free of the cuffs "Когда я получить бесплатную Я собираюсь разорвать глупый череп из них и колотить другой с ним {when i get free i'm going to rip the stupid ones skull out and bash the other one with it}"

"well now see he just complemented us on our intelligence and how much he would love to get inside our heads"

"you understood him?" Raybeam asked while keeping his eye on the diamond dog.

"i took two classes on the northern diamond dog language, so yeah, i understood him"

"Я буду использовать ваш череп, как чашки, чтобы пить кровь {i shall use your skull's as cups to drink your blood}"

"see now he's thirsty"

"Тогда я буду праздник на вашей плоти {then i'll feast on your flesh}"

"and hungry"

"но не после того, как я вырвать ваши шипы и вырезать их на поясе {but not after i rip out your spines and carve them into a belt}"

"and he loves our courage *huh*"

"и это даже не главное для моего народа, я просто нарушил вверх {and that's not even a thing for my people i'm just bucked up}

"he sounds like he's threatening us" Raybeam said taking a sidestep away from the diamond dog

"no, no he's commending us on how we represent the royal guards as a hole, watch im gonna say he's been honorable in his own language" Sunbeam then coughed a few times to clear his throat "waaaahbeeegozableh [not words]"

" это ..... ты в порядке {are..... are you ok?}"

"*oh* he misses his children, see that's sad"

"doesn't his kind beat and abuse there young?

"Raybeam that's a horrible, horrible sterotype you should be ashamed of yourself" sunbeam said while pointing at Raybeam accusingly.

" Я скучаю избивать моего маленького племянника с острыми палками {i miss beating up my little nephew with sharp sticks}"

"i know, i know he's a idiot"

"why was he in prison anyway?" Raybeam asked curiously

"изнасиловать {rape}"

"*sigh* wow he said he was stealing food from a nearby village to feed his family when he was caught, the battle lasted a full day till they were able to subdue him" Sunbeam said while wiping a single tear from his eye with his right hoof.

"я сказал, изнасилование {i said rape}"

"see if only the princess would focus more on feeding th-" Sunbeam stopped talking as the diamond dog started to rub his cuffed hands again sunbeams head. "hey look, i made a new friend"

"когда я бежать, я думаю, я буду тебя насиловать сначала раздражает один {when i escape, i think i'll rape you first, annoying one}"

"its nice to meet you to"

"это будет продолжаться несколько дней {it will last many days}"

"yes i wanted it in a different color but this armor rank comes only in bronze"

the diamond dog then lifted his cuffed hands over his head "Я думаю, что слабым местом в этих манжет, если только там wernt два из них {i think there's a weak spot in these cuffs, if only there wernt two of them}"

"*uh* yes a bounty full harvest to you as well" Sunbeam cleared his throat again "now we will bow our heads in respect as we pray to the diamond dog gods for peace and friendship"

"hey now were supposed to be guarding this guy we really shouldn't--"

"Raybeam, bow your head"

"bu-"

"bow"

"fine" Raybeam then bowed his head followed by sunbeam and kept there heads down while the diamond dog continued to tinker with the cuff's

"получили его {got it}" the cuffs suddenly fell off of the diamond dogs wrist as he then wrapped his paws around Sunbeams snout, shaking him violently.

"Sunbeam, No!'

"* laughing* relax he's just embracing me as kin"

"NO IM NOT!" the diamond dog yelled as he shakes Sunbeam

"*screaming* getemoffme, getemoffme"

"ok, ok im on it" Raybeam then jumped onto the diamond dogs back wrapping his hooves around the dogs neck trying to strangle him "flank if only i had 5 limbs on each hoof to make strangling something easy"

The diamond dog released Sunbeam before reaching behind his back to grebe Raybeam by his head and then slamming him into Sunbeam "Я скучал, МАЗМ найти что-то изнасиловать сейчас {i'm bored, imma find something to rape now} the diamond dog then walked away, leaving Raybeam and sunbeam alone in a pile.

"well now... this is humiliating"

"whats that i feel against my back" Sunbeam said with annoyance

"you don't want to know"

"please get off"

________________________

"whelp we just got demoted to bronze negative eleven" Sunbeam said while laying a scroll on the desk in there office

"what? but the diamond dog only raped and killed 9 pony's" Raybeam said with a shocked and angry look on his face "ok that's it iv had enough with these demotions, im going to march right into the princess's study and give her a piece of my mind"

"alright, have fun with that" Sunbeam said as he was looking over the scroll while Raybeam left the room

_____________________

Sunbeam was at his desk in his office with a magazine titled -Cooking with Pinkie- glowing gold yellow and floating in front of him "*oh* yeah, spread that frosting" the sound of a door opening came to his ears which he ignored as Raybeam walked in beat up and messed up armor "how was your talk with the princess?" Sunbeam asked with his eyes still on the magazine.

"well.... i talked to the princess.... she loved my attitude.... and now i can never marry, i can never seek a relationship with mares, and now i have to regularly visit her"

"*uh huh* interesting, so what about our ranks?"

"we've been promoted to negative ten"

"so nothings changed then?"

"yyyupe"

Sunbeam had a blank look on his face as he kept his focus on the magazine, turning a page on it as Raybeam suddenly burst into tears.