Go Home, Apple Bloom. You're Drunk
"You're not really going to try that, are you?"
"C'mon, Sweetie Belle. Try an' live a little!"
"I think I have to agree with Sweetie on this one, Apple Bloom. No matter how "cool" it would be to get sloshed, I'm still not going to try it."
Apple Bloom stomped her hoof in frustration. That's how it always was with them. Sweetie Belle was always too sweet for any shenanigans, and Scootaloo was just plain chicken. Whenever the crusaders did something "bad," it was always thanks to Apple Bloom's ability to "bend" the rules.
"Have y'all ever heard of Carpe Diem?" the yellow filly inquired, not too sure herself what it really meant.
"Uh, no."
"Well ah reckon ya haven't! Let's just try it out, just this once!" Applebloom stood up. "We can only live so long, my friends. No matter how hard we all try, it ain't goin' ta matter in the end. We only live once, y'all. Let's make it the best life we can." The young filly stood proud and tall, figuring her rousing speech more than capable to aspire the masses. Instead, her friends looked rather bored.
"I'll tell yer parents about what y'all did with Snips 'n Snails."
That caught their attention. Stiff as boards, the other two crusaders stood upright. They knew that this wasn't going to be fun, but letting their parents find out about the shenanigans they'd done in their first estrous with the local blockheads was far worse. With trepidation, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle inched closer to their trai- er, friend.
"Fine," Scootaloo said. "As long as you take the first swig."
Apple Bloom didn't even bother to reply before breaking the cap on the bottle of Applejack Daniels she'd kept in her saddlebags. Without a second thought, she downed six shots worth of the amber liquid. The filly's throat felt like it was on fire, and the foul liquid slammed into her stomach like a possessed demon. Trying not to grimace, she handed the bottle over to Scootaloo.
The orange pegasus took the bottle in her hooves, sniffing it tentatively. She looked up into Apple Blooms threatening eyes, then downed a deep swig of the hard cider. It hit her head like a hammer, but the fact that she had already eaten lunch helped lessen the immediate effects.
The last to try it out was Sweetie Belle. While not nearly as brash as Apple Bloom, she wasn't a coward like Scootaloo. With a determined hoof, she drank a good mouthful without hesitation. Visibly grimacing at the vile substance, the white unicorn set the bottle down with an audible thunk.
"There! Happy now, Apple Bloom?" Sweetie asked, an annoyed look on her face. What she saw instead was a rather dopey smile. Apple Bloom's eyes slowly tilted in different directions in a manner similar to that of a certain grey mare, and she hiccuped before even being able to respond.
"It's alright, Sweetie Be-hic! I just wants ta try to tahvinaly."
"What?"
"Yersh."
Scootaloo just smiled knowingly at her little yellow friend. "I know wha' you means by that," she replied, completely oblivious to the lack of coherency in what the former was stating as the alcohol hit her system as well. While the food in her system was keeping her relatively sober, she was still rather drunk.
For those of you who've never actually had any familiarity with the wonderful world of booze (all four of you), I'd like to say right now that there is a vast difference between six beers over the course of two hours and six or seven shots in one go. The first will barely buzz you (if at all) while the second will hit you like a derailed freight train. Combine that with the fact that none of them quite had the body mass or experience of you or I, and it's quite understandable if they got drunk in the course of about ten minutes. It also makes sense that they were now running around like a herd of oxen slamming headfirst into the nearby walls.
"Hey girls, do you know what this calls for?"
"Cutie mark crusades?"
"I think I have just the one in mind..."
A certain red stallion approached the clubhouse, wondering what in the world was going on in there. His golden eyes scanned the surrounding area for in case anypony was watching, curious as to what Applejack's younger sister could possibly be up to. He approached and heard a thud inside the house.
"Scootaloo, ah'm rather embarrassed about you holding me like tha' n' all."
He whipped his head back as he heard the fillies panting loudly. No way! he thought, quickly deciding he was wrong. Instead of making assumptions, he placed his ear back against the door.
"Ah, ah! I think I'm about to-"
Rather than waiting to hear the rest, the young stallion immediately withdrew, quietly tiptoeing his way down the rungs of the clubhoose. A soft whistle escaped his lips as he tried to distract himself from what he'd just heard. There was no way in Equestria that anything good was going on in there...
Meanwhile inside the clubhouse there were three fillies groaning in a heap as they pulled themselves off of each other. Still rather drunk, they had managed to retain enough coherence to not pass out in a doggy pile.
"Enough, girls," Sweetie Belle commented. "We are certainly not Circus Performers."
"This is getting ridiculous!" Scootaloo sighed in exasperation. "Everypony but us has cutie marks!"
"No, look! That stallion over there has no cutie mark!"
The crusaders rushed to the window of their little headquarters to see a red coated stallion trying to discretely disappear from the vicinity. They all managed a little squee as the stallion drew away, and decided to act rather than loose him right then.
"Hey Mister, do you want to join our club?!" Scootaloo shouted. The stallion didn't turn around, instead opting to freeze in place before breaking into a dead sprint to distance himself from the fillies as if they were Pinkie Pie on Rainbow Cakes.
"Ya scared him off, Scoots," Apple Bloom accused as the fillies lay back down in a rather depressed state. Well, we all know what the primary means of fixing a downtrodden heart is, and the bottle was right next to them.
Three hours and eight more shots apiece and the crusaders had finally run dry on their fare of cider. Which of course leads to boredom. And as we all know, boredom leads to accidents, and accidents to hush up money to keep Stewie quiet so that Herbert can live in peace. What?
"Heya, Scoots. Ya bored?" Apple Bloom slurred, trying hard to think her sentence through before saying it. A little dribble of drool leaked out of the corner of her mouth, which would have made her a prime candidate for a Snips and Snails pairing. Looking over at her inebriated friends, the yellow filly decided to ask.
"Can we go for a spin?"
While Scootaloo immediately perked up at the option of driving in her hazy state, Sweetie Belle just as quickly grew nervous. "Isn't that rather...dangerous?" She asked, trying to find a way out of what she knew was inevitable.
"Sure it is!" Scootaloo commented, looking at her alabaster companion like she'd grown a third head. "But we do dangerous stuff all the time!"
"Yeah!" Apple Bloom agreed, the next statement slowly forming in her foggy little brain. "It's getting old here anyways."
Sighing in defeat, Sweetie Belle simply stood up and followed the pair as they bashed their way through the front door. This was not going to be fun, and there was a world of hurt ahead. She knew it, but felt helpless to stop it. "Right behind you," Sweetie said as they reached the little red wagon that was both their primary form of transportation and the primary means of keeping band-aids in business throughout Equestria.
Has your mother ever told you not to drink and drive? I sure know mine did. Repeatedly every week since I was a little child, to be honest. It made absolutely no sense to a kid that's barely four years old, but did that matter? No. I figured she was talking about drinking Mountain Dew or Pepsi, and asked her that just as frequently when she ignored her own rules to something I couldn't possibly do anyways. So I never fully understood the reasons until I first did so myself. And now I know why they don't want us to drive drunk...
It's too freaking awesome! Every twist and turn feels like a swirling kaleidoscope of color and sound as you speed through the oncoming traffic, carefully trying not to hit the nearby mailbox or old lady who's crossing the street with her handbag and walker. There's a euphoria in every action you take, and I can honest to God say that my times driving under the influence were the best I ever had. Well, until I got pulled over for a DUI, that is. Seriously, what a killboner!
The same sense of wonder, excitement, and plain damn ecstasy cannot be said for the unlucky saps that happen to be sober. They get to dodge and weave as you drive down their lane at eighty five miles per hour in a forty five city zone, wondering what the hell is going on and that maybe, just maybe, I'd break the eighty eight mark and teleport to sometime other than when they're on the same road. Even my license getting revoked fails to be a consolation prize for the amount of money that has to go to the dry cleaner to clean all of the shit out of their pants the next day. It's even harder with the piss on the car seat.
Such was the reaction of the townsponies as the trio had a blast tearing through Ponyville drunker than skunks. Veggie carts were tossed over, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were covered in muck, Granny Smith got slammed into a wall and had her hip knocked back into place, and Derpy had her eyes corrected for the first time in her life without even the cost of pointless surgery.
"Hey, watch it!"
"Come back, you jerks!!"
"DAMN YOU, BLANK FLANKS!!"
"I can't feel my legs!"
"My eyes!!"
"APPLE BLOOM!!"
"Oh my, I didn't know a sonic screwdriver could break like that. Now if only I could remember where I put the TARDIS..."
Let's just say that their passage through the area was a fillyized version of a small tactical nuke, and the casualties were astronomical. Apples and carrots co-mingled for the first time in nearly five hundred years, and even Fluttershy's awesome stare was rendered helpless in the wake of the destruction. Most ponies weren't even capable of what hit them they had passed by so quickly.
The pony Apocalypse that called themselves the Cutie Mark Crusaders pulled up near their little school house despite the fact that it was currently a Sunday afternoon and therefor not in use. Well, what can I say? Being drunk can pull out old habits that you normally wouldn't voluntarily do with a ten foot pole, but would secretly love doing.
"Whelp, here we are!"
"Not much going on..."
"BLANK FLANKS!!"
Diamond Tiara stalked towards the group as if looking pissed would make them give a damn, her little bitch sneer spamming her face. "YOU BLANK FLANK TRASH, GET YOUR SORRY FLANK OVER HERE!!!!"
"I got this, guys..." Apple Bloom whispered, chuckling drunkenly at the ridiculousness of the situation. She trotted over to a fuming DT, a smug little look on her face. "Oh, heya Diamond, how's it goin'?"
"You just splashed me and Silver Spoon with this...this muck!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. How bad is it?" Apple Bloom was trying really hard not to smile, a feat that would surely go into the record books considering how sloshed she was.
"It even got in my mouth!"
"Aw, that's too bad. Do you need me to help you clean it?"
"You little whore! What do you mean by-"
The pink little filly was suddenly cut off by her lips getting stuck up against Apple Bloom's. Diamond struggled for a moment, shocked to find her nemesis's tongue darting into her mouth, and even more surprised to find her own responding in kind. Well fuck it, she thought, before closing her eyes, pulling her body closer to Apple Bloom's as they continued to snog each other. They held each other intimately, softly using their hooves to caress one another as their tongues played with each other, dancing around like so much sweet music in their mouths.
Apple Bloom pulled away, panting lightly as she smiled at Diamond's face, a triumphant grin showing through. Diamond continued to stare in shock, but a small smile started to turn the corners of her lips, a hint of blush creeping up. Her little heart fluttered in her chest, and she realized what had actually liked it. Perhaps there was a reason the two had always been at each others throats...
"I'll see ya tomorrow at the Sugarcube Corner, six o'clock, okay?" Apple Bloom said, turning around to trot back to her friends.
"I-I'll be there," the pink filly replied, her stomach playing a complete game of butterflies. She watched as her old enemy and now fillyfriend sped off with her friends, watching them go with a small smile tugging at her lips. Maybe she had misjudged that cute little filly. And maybe, just maybe, she was glad this had happened.
"Diamond, are you alright?!"
The young filly looked over to see her best friend approaching, concern all over her face. She trotted over to her, that same goofy look on her face. "I'm fine, Silver," she replied. "Let's go over to my daddy's place, okay?"
As the two oldtime buds trotted off to hang out, Diamond couldn't help but think, That was...nice.
"What in tarnation where ya thinkin', Apple Bloom?!" Aj roared, still looking a little more concerned than angry. "You do realize that that much hard cider could have killed you!"
"Ah'm fine, sis! Look, I've got a bit of a headache, but I'll be okay. Don't worry!"
"Don't worry?! DON'T WORRY!!! You do realize that that was eighty proof, right?! I'd have passed out from that much myself, and I'm a grown mare!" Applejack paced in place, looking at her sister with a somewhat relieved eye. She pulled the young filly into a deep hug, just glad that she was alright. "Don'y ya do that again without askin' first, alright? You had me worried sick!"
"Ah'm sorry, sis! I didn't know that you'd be so scared! It won't happen again."
The other crusaders nearby were less than bemused, watching the mopey sister session in front of them. The two separated, smiling at one another. "Oh Apple Bloom, ah can't stay mad at ya! Go on and have, but careful, ya here?"
"We'll be fine, sis!"
With that, the infamous trio ran off to their clubhouse, not a care in the world. They ran through the trees, letting the soft light drape through the branches to reflect its golden hue off of their young bodies. They were happy, and that was fine. As they started to near the clubhouse, it's wooden frame coming into sight, Sweetie slowed down.
"Hey, Apple Bloom?"
"Yeah?" the yellow filly asked, looking incredulously at her friend as the other two slowed to a stop. "What is it?"
"Why...why Diamond?"
"Maybe it's 'cause I like her? Why Snails?"
Sweetie blushed at that, but managed to collect herself. "But isn't she another...filly?"
"Yeah, so?"
"Well doesn't that make you a fillyfooler?"
"Yeah, I guess so," Apple Bloom replied, thinking about it. "But do you know what?"
"What?"
"It doesn't matter. I don't care what body she is, it's what's inside that counts."
"Okay, I can accept that."
The three ran the rest of the way to their clubhouse, opening up the door without much of a pause. They laughed as they collapsed in the center of their headquarters, glad to be friends.
"Hey, guys, guess what I found?"
The filly's looked over at what Scootaloo was holding, a small smile creeping onto their faces as they spotted a second bottle of Applejack Daniels waiting for them. A little note sat next to it, and Apple Bloom picked it up. The script was well written, clearly written by a strong and yet precise hoof. "Big Mac," she muttered.
Hey Sis,
Don't mind Applejack. She may claim that you shouldn't be drinking, but she and I were splitting bottles with our friends at your age. Why, I think that was how she had her first pregnancy scare with some colt named Soarin' I think. Don't tell her I said that, but it was really amusing to watch her panic for almost a month! Just don't go near our sister while drunk since she'd be a little irritated if she found out, but other than that I hope you all have fun!
Your Brother,
Big Mac.
Apple Bloom looked lovingly down at the note, a single mirthful tear dropping onto the page as she lovingly caressed the bottle she'd been given. Oh, the joys of having a brother like him!
"So what'd it say!"
"Well girls, it looks like we've got ourselves a party!"
