GOTTA GO FAST

by Goldy

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Crossover
Length: 1517

Sanic da Hegehag goes to the magical land of Equestria. This is le epicest story ever.

Sanic da Hegehag goes to Equestria. Going fast ensures.

This piece of fiction is of the utmost quality. No other piece of prose can compare to the elegant subtlety of this incredible story. Your eyes may burn while looking at the beauty of this novel. Ask your doctor if GOTTA GO FAST is right for you.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-08 21:03:40 UTC

cumon step it up!!!!

“Hello, little boys and girls! ...and you, you fat, autistic pony fan. Today I shall read to you a story. You might lose some brain cells, but fuck you, #yolo n’ #swag and shit. Ahem:

“Once upon a time, there was-”

“PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE!” screeched the 21-year-old, fedora-wearing, whiskey-sipping brony.

The reader got out of his chair and pimp-slapped the FUCK out of him.

“NO, YOU FUCKING RETARD!”

The brony started crying. “You’re such a meanie! I’m going to go on 9gag, reddit, and ponychan to say how much of a cyberbully you are!” He ran out of the room like a pussy.

“Uh, s-sorry, kids...” said the reader. They were all in shock. “Allow me to restart:”

Once upon a time, there was a poorly-drawn character named Sanic. He was the fastest creature in his land, and could do impossible tasks using his amazing speed. He was famous for saving the world multiple times from evil. A lot of people from the land went blind and/or deaf because of this thing and its horridness. However, he didn’t give a fuck because he wasn’t actually alive, since he didn’t reproduce and according to FUCKING NERDS, THINGS THAT DON’T REPRODUCE AREN’T FUCKING ALIVE, DESPITE THE FUCKING FACT THAT HE HAD THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, AND EMOTIONS.

Anyway, one day, Sanic was traveling across Sanicland, going fast, as per usual. Then, he decided to see what it’d be like to go faster than the speed of light. He nearly instantly got to pro-lightspeed and was going faster than fast. Then suddenly, he broke the light barrier and everything exploded or something. Then he went through a portal a somehow ended up in another fucking universe, despite the fact that that wouldn't work in the slightest.

Oh, whoops, sorry, children! I forgot to put on the theme song music in the background! Here, listen to this!:

Youtube Video

The kids started screaming and crying in pain. A couple died or something, and I think like half went deaf right there.

“You all suck! THIS IS MY FUCKING JAM!” yelled the reader.

The brony from before peeked his his head into the building. “Hey! Your opinion is different than mine! That’s not allowed to happen! Mine is right and yours is wrong, so kill yourself! But love and tolerate still!”

“Get the fuck out of here, you retarded idiot!”

“Oh-em-gee, you’re such a meanie! I’m reporting you to knighty! Enjoy your ban!” he yelled and ran out the door.

“Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with him?” the reader said to himself. He looked forward and saw that every kid in the audience was dead. “Fucking shit. Now what?” He sat there for a second, thinking. “Wait, I forgot how this ends. I might as well continue reading this.”

So, like, Sanic ended up in Equestria, which had ponies and shit. He was completely unfamiliar with how the fuck how got there or what was in this land, but he was curious nonetheless. He decided to >go fast to a nearby town which everyone knows named Ponyville. Yes, major plot twist, I know.

He turned up in front of a huge tree that was also a house and we all know what fucking happens. Twilight Sparkle, of whom I’m not even going to fucking begin introducing, saw him and was like, “oh wow wot r u!?!??!??!?!??” or something like that.

Then sanic went fast around the room and Twilight exploded from the sheer awesomeness that was sanic. Then Spike came from around the corner and saw sanic. He was like, “like, whoa bro, thats pretty fucking fast”. Then he tried to go fast but died because he has childhood obesity.

Sanic then went fast out of the room and ended up at App[le]jack’s home. He went fast around their apple orchard and destroyed every single tree there.

“DANG ET, SAHNEC!” screeched Applejack. Then sanic went super-fast and went right through her, splitting her in half. He then cut through the house and made it implode, creating a miniature black hole that destroyed half of Ponyville. However, sanic escaped the black hole because he’s so fast. That’s right, nerds. He fucking escaped a black hole. Suck it.

Then he went over to the home of Fluttershy. He went through the garden of animals. Due to his sheer awesomeness, they all exploded into juicy chunks. And then they cooked their own meat because sanic created a trail of fire behind his feet. Fluttershy then went outside and saw all of the dead animals. “oh my~” she said quietly. And then she saw sanic going fast at her. However, she didn't even attempt to escape because according to fimfiction, she’s a slut or something. But even if she tried to get away, she would have died since sanic is so fast.

Then sanic went over to Sugar Cube Corner. It exploded, then imploded, then exploded. Pinkie Pie died and shit.

Then sanic went to Carousel Boutique. He sanic’d around the outside of the boutique so many times, it created a rift in the universe and the boutique got sucked in and got sent to a dimension where every pony is a slut who wants to have sex with each other and every black-and-red alicorn or 14-year-old brony who falls in. AKA the feature box universe.

Then sanic flew to the home of Rainbow Dash by going fast. He looked at her while she was sleeping. Then Rainbow Dash woke up and yelled “HOLY FUCKBALL WHAT THE SHIT”. Then she looked at him and thought that he wanted to race, despite the fact that sanic was a static image. “Alright, you wanna race?! Let’s go! First one to Canterlot Castle wins!” She then flew out her window. She looked behind her and saw she was far ahead. “Hah! He’ll never beat me!”

She landed at Canterlot Castle and saw sanic there. “WHAT THE FUCK” she yelled. And then she suddenly felt like sex because she’s a whore. She then took the cock of sanic and stuck it in her vagina. However, sanic lasted one microsecond since he’s so fast. However, halfway through that microsecond, Rainbow Dash died. In fact, her body was gibbed so hard that a cloud of blood covered Equestria for the next 17 years.

Sanic then decided what to do next. He saw a totally epic black-and-red alicorn with purple eyes, a kick-ass horn, and gilded wings staring at him. He yelled, “HOW DARE YOU FUCK  MY WOMEN?! I SHALL DESTROY YOU, YOU ANNOYING CUNT!” He then flew into the air at speeds faster than sanic could imagine. However, that didn’t put sanic off. He launched into the air and started to fight Dark Lightning. Even though the fight lasted for several episodes, they did about a total amount of 10 minutes fighting each other. The other 60 minutes was spent showing flashbacks and having the two talk about shit. Also, Dark Lightning II showed up at one point. In fact, she was there the whole time, but since she’s a side character, she did only one thing during the whole fight. And even that failed.

Anyway, the alicorn and sanic were in the air. Then they finally decided to try to do a finishing blow by launching at each other from a few miles away. They went faster than they ever did before. However, right when they were about to hit each other, they went into slow motion and then there was another fucking flashback. And then sanic went back into his world and shit.

Dark Lightning didn't fucking know what happened. loljk he knows everything.

He proclaimed, “WHAT?! IT IS OBVIOUS THAT THE WINNER IS ME!”

But, he was so beautiful, everybody died. The end.

“Wow, that was le epic!” said the reader.

Suddenly, the door to the room got kicked down. A cop showed up and screamed, “STOP WHERE YOU ARE, CRIMINAL SCUM!” He then shot the reader’s dog.

“WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!”

“THAT’S WHAT THE DOG GETS FOR BEING BLACK!”

“FUCK YOU!”

“YOU’RE ASSAULTING A LAW OFFICIAL!” He then shot the reader.

I’m too lazy to put in the video, so here’s the words:

mmm watcha saaay mmm that you only meant welllllll well of course you did mmmm wathca sayyyy mmm that its all for the bestttt because it is mmm watacha saaay mmmm that its just what we need well you decided this mmm watcha saay oh mmm what did you say

The brony from earlier burst into the room. “Hah! That’s what he gets for being a pony hater! Thanks, mister police officer!”

“No problem!” said the police officer, showing his pony shirt with le derpi on it xD

Later that night, dauriginulbroknee2006 posted a blog post on fimfiction saying, “LOL un les poni hatr un dis plant :rainbowdetermind2;” He then got congratulated by his boyfriend.

He went to sleep in his bed. However, he woke up feeling a sharp pain in his rectum. He looked behind him and saw sanic. Sanic whispered to him, “sanic is love, sanic is life”

Le end.