How to Train Your Dragons
By: carnivale
: : : :
Twilight had sneezed.
But it wasn’t one of those itty-bitty fragile sneezes that could easily turn a cupcake into a rubber duck, or a beetle into a rubber band, or a paperclip into a bobby pin.
No. It was a gigantic sneeze that could easily turn ponies into chaotic foals, and none could walk away unscathed.
Zecora and the Cakes were gone quicker than a whip, however, hurtling towards the door in a panicked frenzy as the magenta tendrils of Twilight’s unfortunate magic surges threatened to drag them into its grip. The bell above the door jangled boisterously as they fled, leaving idly confused ponies and a baby dragon in their wake.
Rainbow Dash coughed, eyes watering and struggling to adjust to the clouds of magical smoke flowing around her and her friends. “What… what happened?”
“What in tarnation do ya think happened, Sherlock Hooves?” Applejack snapped, giving the cyan pegasus a look that told her she was a blithering idiot – well, if she was pinpointing correctly where Dash was in all the smoke.
“Hey, hey, Snapplejack, it was on a spur of the moment, leave me alone!” Dash retorted.
Applejack blew a raspberry at her.
“Darlings, I don’t think this smoke is good for my complexion…”
“Who cares ‘bout your complexion, we’re in a mid-life crisis here!”
“Oh, blast it all.”
“My legs feel weird…”
“Oh, no! I’m blind! Although, I never thought not being able to see would be so… pretty.”
“Fluttershy, you ain’t blind. Just wait till the smoke clears up, Sugarcube.” Then, Applejack blinked, her eyes narrowed. “It ain’t pretty, from where I’m standin’!”
“Shut your apple-licking trap, AJ, you’re aggravating us to no end!”
“Oh, I am? Well – “
“Girls, let’s just stop fighting!” Twilight ordered in her clogged-up voice. If everypony could see her puffy-red face, she would be seething, stressed out from everything that’s been going on. As if they day couldn’t get any worse.
“Twilight, I was just ‘bout to give her a tail-biter, there!”
“No. Let’s just focus on clearing away all this smoke!” the lavender unicorn demanded.
“Fine, fine.”
The six ponies waved their claws around like a windshield-wiper, coughing extravagantly when tendons of smoke wafted through their nostrils when they were forced in their direction.
Wait, claws?
“Something doesn’t seem right…” Twilight murmured with a low moan, voicing everypony’s concern.
“You’ve got that right, sister,” Spike agreed, rubbing his nose with a hoof. “This stuff stinks.”
“No, what I mean is – “
Just then, all traces of the magical smoke dissipated, leaving six startled dragons and one horrified pony in the midst of the circling aura.
Rarity screamed.
“What the fudgesicle?!” Rainbow Dash shrieked, running her gnarled claws down the lengths of her new body. Then, she smiled in fascination, showing off her contemporary fangs that glistened on the sides of her mouth. “Oh, whoa, cool! I’m all, like, scaly and stuff!”
The six ponies had been re-vamped into baby dragons, each looking about as horrified as they felt, yet somewhat – enticed. Each had glowing scales that reflected the lengths off their surroundings, the same color as their coat had been. Their cutie marks were now the jutting scales on either side of their lepidote, round heads, and the spikes in which fervently ran down their backs somewhat resembled what their manes used to look like. Each surveyed themselves – and each other – in mild enthrallment and alarm.
“This is so insanely!” Rarity blustered, little strings of smoking bellowing out of her nostrils when she huffed. “I miss my flawless, ivory coat!” Absent-mindedly, she ran a claw down her new, rounded belly. Her eyes gleamed in charisma. “Yet, I do like how these scales glisten like a new chest-full of sapphires,” she said in awe.
“Coolio! Now I can easily fit into my party-cannon and launch myself across Ponyville like I’ve wanted to do for some time, now…!” Pinkie exclaimed excitedly.
Applejack guffawed at the pink pony’s enthusiasm before glancing down at her own dragon skin. She rubbed a long claw against her chin. “Well, I’m not a big fan, but I’ve always wondered what bein’ a dragon is all about!” she admitted.
“Me and my stupid cold,” Twilight mumbled, the one that seemed least entranced about their current situation.
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were studying each other’s brand-new, webbed wings in distinct awe and enchantment. Dash seemed most thrilled about this new experience, her eyes darting across the butter-yellow dragon’s appendages and running her claws over them in fascination. Fluttershy was blushing and looked like she wanted to rip them away, but she stood still to let her friend keep ogling over them.
“This is so sweet!” Dash declared, flexing her wings experimentally. “I can’t wait to see what it feels like to fly as a dragon! Webbed wings are awesome.”
Applejack rolled her eyes, yet her eyes were round and joking.
Spike, on the other hand, was staring at himself in a mirror, his widened eyes darting from his mane, to his face, to his coat, to his tail. He rubbed his hooves together, waving them around and running them through his new mane. “These aren’t as efficient as dragon claws,” he said flatly, giving them another once-over. “They won’t do much good with scratching an itch, yet they are very strong.” Then, a diabolical look flashed in his emerald eyes. “Oh, I could totally stomp on Angel with these, teach him a lesson!”
Fluttershy stared at him in horror, and Spike could see her through the mirror. He whipped around, face pale. “Uh, I meant… um, I could totally feed him some nice, delicious carrots with these bad-boys next time I see him, ehehe… He’s such a sweet little bunny,” he added as nicely as he could, yet through clenched teeth.
Awkward.
“Anyway,” Applejack said, turning her head slowly towards Twilight and blinking. “It sure as apple pie was fascinatin’ while it lasted, but I think I’d like to have my old body back. Don’t look like I can kick that much tail with these stubby little buggers.” The orange dragon wiggled one of her legs for emphasis.
“Aw, come on, Applejack!” Dash whined. “I didn’t get to try flying yet!”
“Rainbow, you can do as much flyin’ as possible when you’re a pegasus, but we ain’t fit to be dragons. I can tell ya that much right now.”
“Um, well… how will we be able to turn back into ponies? I… don’t think Twilight has a spell.” Fluttershy inquired timidly.
“She has a point there, darling,” Rarity agreed, recalling how Twilight had told Pinkie before that she hasn’t studied any transfiguration spells yet.
“Well, I…” Applejack stammered, mind blank. Her eyes darted between each dragon – and pony – in turn, until they finally rested on a certain lavender unicorn that was busy blowing her mucus-filled nose into a handkerchief. A light bulb flickered on in her head. “I know! Twilight can sneeze, and her magical smoke-bombs can turn us back to normal!”
Everypony pondered over that for a while, nodding their heads slowly as they thought.
“Okay… but I have no idea where to get a feather,” Dash said apologetically, wiggling her scaly wings.
“Oh. Right.”
“Wait a minute…” Pinkie said, cautiously approaching Twilight steadily, a concentrated look on her face. Then, with a thumb and fore-finger, she pinched her friend’s nose in just the right place, and waited until the lavender dragon’s face bunched up and her eyes began to water.
“Finally, I can do that now!” Pinkie announced, a satisfied expression on her face.
“Do I want to know? Or don’t I?” Rainbow contemplated to herself. She shook her head.
“Ah… ah….!” Finally, Twilight let a giant sneeze rip throughout the shop.
Before the smoke dissolved into the air, the six dragons and one pony waited eagerly – yet patiently – for themselves to be turned back to normal.
Unfortunately, all that the magic managed to accomplish was turn a lone chair into a 42 inch flat-screen TV, the channel switched to wrestling.
“Sweet! I know what I’m doing tonight,” Pinkie exclaimed. In unison, they all raised an eyebrow at her.
“Save a seat for me, I’ll be over with a bag of popcorn, or two!” Dash said.
The two high-foured.
“I don’t think I ever will understand their friendship,” Applejack remarked.
The rest of them shook their head.
“Well, anyway, the magic didn’t work,” Rainbow Dash said, stating the obvious. She waggled her wings again, her tail swishing traverse the ground in tandem with the movement. “Time to spread these new wings, and… fly!”
Dash zipped out of the shop, unquestionably eager to try out her complimentary appendages. A faint rainbow trail was formed behind her, along with a few puffs of smoke, leaving everypony to catch their breaths after coughing for a few moments. Applejack narrowed her eyes, running up to the door and calling to Dash in the strongest voice she could ever muster.
“Dash, wait! I don’t think we should be splittin’ up! We oughta try Twilight’s sneeze agai – oh, galdarnit, that silly filly! What’s the use, she can’t hear me no more! And even if she did, that bull probably ignored me all the way to Baltimare, from the looks on where she’s goin’!” she groaned.
Fluttershy timidly stepped up to the plate, twiddling her new opposable thumbs. “I guess I could try and find her, if that’s okay with you.”
“Great idea, Fluttershy! Here’s the new plan, we’ll all split up as well, and try to look for her. Then we can bring her back so Twilight can finally turn us back to normal.”
“But, Applejack, won’t other ponies think it’s weird if there’s six random dragons and one strange-looking pony scouring Ponyville?” Twilight inquired lamely.
“Ah, who cares, Twi! All we should be carin’ about is finding that low-baller and draggin’ her back here so you can try sneezin’ again and turnin’ us back lickety-split!” Applejack said without taking a breath.
“Okay… whoa!” The lavender dragon was caught by surprise when she was lifted up and tossed onto the back of a pony, only to realize it was Spike, whom was looking at her with laughing eyes. “Huh?”
“Now I know how it feels to be the pony in charge!” he exclaimed.
Twilight blushed.
Fluttershy was the first to exit the shop, followed by the rest of the gang, who needed to search on foot. Soon enough, they were on the march, trying to find that one cyan dragon that needed to be turned back to normal – as well as the lot of them.
: : : :
Fluttershy diminutively swooped through the crisp, cloudy sky, her wings feeling like major propellers on her rugged back. They felt much stronger than feathered wings, she noticed, and she glided easily through the air. All of her senses heightened.
Now to look for that cyan dragon, senses and all be damned.
Fluttershy’s cerulean gaze darted everywhere it could – from the towering water tower to the stratosphere of clouds above, and even desperate enough to scan the millings of Ponyville’s citizens bustling through the streets below. Alas, everywhere she looked, no rainbow-colored dragon immersed in her retina.
She fluttered a ways to her left, then her right, turning her head every which-way to see if she could even catch a solid glimpse of the specific dragon, yet to no avail. She sighed and shrugged, crossing her arms over her plated chest. She was just about to turn tail and fly home when a boisterous sound crossed her eardrums.
It met her ears unpleasantly, irritating her skull to no end.
It sounded like – somepony was snoring. Very loud, very bothersome snoring.
Even Fluttershy had to constrain herself from clapping a palm over her face. She could place that snore anywhere – anypony could. They almost hear it every day from above, showering down upon the town like rain sent from hell.
Fluttershy shook her head, a cackling smile thwarting to traverse her lips. She listened closely, flapping her wings slowly to follow the trail of snoring to where it ended – or began, really.
Soon enough, she came to a looming oak tree in which hung lankily over Ponyville. And, atop a long, thick branch, lay the dragon of the hour in all her glory. Dash was fitfully passed out on the jutting limb, her head lolling against the trunk and one stubby leg hanging off the side, giving the occasional twitch once in a while. Her lips expanded in a giant O shape before trembling like ocean waves once she blew out air. Fluttershy flew closer, her eardrums vibrating every time a new snore gave out. Cautiously, she stuck out a claw and gently tapped it against the blue dragon’s scales.
“Dash?” she said quietly. “Daaaash? Da – BUUURRRRPP!”
The tremendous, fire-blazing belch came out of absolutely nowhere. It even startled Fluttershy herself, who let out a tiny “eeeek!” when tongues of yellow fire slipped out of her mouth.
And, tremendously, it startled Rainbow Dash, as well. The belch was apparently loud enough for her in her coma-like state, and after a slurred, “Ba, wha – huh?” she leapt off her branch, knocking her head against the limb above her.
“Oops, I’m sorry Rainbow Dash, I didn’t mean to burp!” Fluttershy said honestly, both claws clapped over her mouth in shock.
“Wha… Fluttershy? Sweet Celestia, have… have the roosters crowed yet?” she asked, her eyelids still drooping lazily. She ran a claw over the scales on her head.
“What?”
Rainbow Dash blinked. “Erm, nothing. How long was I asleep for?”
“I don’t know. I was sent to come looking for you so Twilight can turn us to normal back at the shop.”
Rainbow Dash sighed, rubbing a rough fist against her eye. “Did Applejack plan all of this out? Look, that cowpony needs to live a little, let her hair down outta that ponytail and have fun! Being a dragon is awesome! And I was finally getting used to my new wings,” she said.
“Well, I honestly agree with – “
“And I honestly don't agree.”
“But, we’re all looking for you!”
“And you’ve found me, thanks for the sad effort, but for now I am going to sit – “ She plopped herself back down on the branch. “ – right here, and I am not moving a muscle until that goody-two-horse-shoes learns to have fun!” She crossed her arms, upturned her nose to the sky, and stuck out her bottom lip, still as a statue.
Fluttershy sighed, gnawing on her own lip, clearly thinking her way to victory into getting the headstrong dragon off that branch. It had to be intelligent, and it had to be witty.
: : : :
“Well, I guess flute-playing cutie marks are out of the question,” Scootaloo said dully, gazing at the two split halves of the sad, sad instrument laying in front of them. She nudged it lightly, causing a faint, croaking screeeek to issue from the end.
Sweetie Belle sagged against the tree they were standing around, scratching a hoof against her chin thoughtfully. “I wonder how I always manage to ruin things I come in contact with…”
“Yeah,” Apple Bloom said sarcastically. “I wonder.”
Sweetie Belle just shrugged her shoulders, negligent to her friend’s tone of voice entirely. She blew a piece of curly hair away from her face. Just then, her eyes lit up with a brilliant idea. “Should I get the guitar instead?”
“NO!” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo yelled in unison.
Sweetie Belle recoiled. “…why?” she nearly-whispered.
“’Cause your big, clumsy hooves will probably break that, too, ya ragamuffin!”
Sweetie Belle blinked. “Do you even know what that word means?” she asked.
“…No, but if I did, I would know the meanin’ of – wait, that don’t make any sense…” Apple Bloom trailed off, traipsing a few steps away to ponder her sentence for a few moments.
Scootaloo shook her head. “Anyway, I think we’d better find something else to do that doesn’t involve relentlessly snapping instruments in half.” She shot a glare at Sweetie Belle, who shrugged innocently.
“I agree,” Apple Bloom said, resting her haunches down beside Sweetie Belle. “Maybe we should – “
“Ow, Fluttershy, that’s my toenail!”
“Toena - ? Oh! Oops, sorry, but I just – “
“Get off me! I – I’m not leaving!”
“But – ouch, my erector caudae!“
“…I didn’t even touch your vitals, I swear!”
The Cutie Mark Crusaders’ ears stood erect, all pinpointing the audible sounds of ponies arguing.
“Do y’all hear that?” Apple Bloom said.
“Yeah,” Sweetie Belle said. “Obviously the erector caudae is the muscle in the tail of a dragon, not the genitalia.“
Apple Bloom and Scootaloo shot her an ameliorating – yet impressed – glare.
“What? We all learned the anatomy of a dragon yesterday at school, remember?”
The duo scrunched up their temples, as if struggling to summon the events to mind. “We did?” they said in unison.
Sweetie Belle face-hoofed.
“Anyway, I wonder who’s arguin’,” Apple Bloom speculated.
“Should we check it out?”
“Well, I don’t think we should,” Sweetie Belle objected gently. “I mean, it’s personal business, right?”
“I guess you’re right.” Scootaloo rumpled up her nose. “I mean, they are talking about genitalia. Even if I don’t know what that means.”
Sweetie Belle’s eyes shone at the opportunity of giving her friend a lesson. “Oh, well, it means – “
“Hey, guys!” Apple Bloom called, whistling between her teeth. The two rushed up to meet her. “I found the source of the arguin’!”
The farm filly parted a towering hedge just enough for her friends and herself to peek through. She pointed towards a larger oak tree with her hoof, and their eyes followed her line of identification until they met their match.
Atop a thicker limb, two baby dragons were apparently trying to drag the other off of them, using their stubby legs to kick and tussle and fight. The yellow one looked close to crying, and the cyan one was using its talon-like claws to dig into the bark of the tree, holding on for dear life as its friend tugged at its legs. The trio peering through the bush stifled laughs at the amusing sight before them.
“Well, wallop my withers and slap my flank with a pancake! Seein’ two dragons fightin’ is surely a sight for sore eyes!”
“Yeah! Ha ha ha!” Scootaloo laughed.
Sweetie Belle, on the other hand, was scrutinizing the scene more closely than the other two. “Hey…” she said, turning towards the other Crusaders. “Don’t you guys notice that the blue one looks like Rainbow Dash? And the other looks like – “
“Rainbow Dash?!” Scootaloo squeaked. She began fidgeting in her spot, running hooves through her mane and brushing her tail out. Her violet eyes nervously darted everywhere. “Where is she?! Oh, does my hair look alright? Does it look awesome enough?”
Apple Bloom furrowed her eyebrows, shaking her head, a faintly amused twitch buttering her lips. “I swear to Celestia, Scoots, it’s like you’re vainly infatuated with her, or somethin’.”
“Am not!” Scootaloo hollered, a faint blush spreading over her orange cheeks nonetheless.
“Are too!”
“AM NOT!”
“ARE TOO!”
“AM N – “
“Girls!” Sweetie Belle commanded. “I thought we agreed we were never going to get arguing cutie marks in the first place, so stop! I have a better idea.” She rubbed her hooves together, almost manically, a sly grin crossing her features.
“Oh, yeah? What is it?”
“We are going to catch those dragons, and live to see the day when we earn our dragon-slaying cutie marks!”
“Yeah!” Scootaloo and Apple Bloom said in unison. "That's a great idea!"
The trio gathered together, raised their muzzles to the sky, and hollered to the heavens, “CUTIE MARK CRUSADER DRAGON SLAYERS, YEAH!”
“Wait, wouldn’t it be dragon catchers, if we wanted to catch them?” Apple Bloom inquired, scratching a hoof against her head.
“Euh, I think it’s the same thing.”
“Okie-dokie, then! Cutie Mark Crusaders, awaaayy!”
Then, the spry young fillies sauntered off to think up their master plan.
: : : :
“Rainbow Dash, please come out of there now,” Fluttershy pleaded, her head rumbling with frustration and exhaustion. Yet, on her hard, scaly exterior, she managed to remain calm.
“No.”
The cyan dragon had managed to escape Fluttershy’s not-so-meaty clutches and had burrowed her way through a squirrel’s hole in the tree. Only her tail was sticking out, and it felt uncomfortable for Fluttershy knowing she was basically talking to her rear end.
“Dash, don’t make me count to three.”
“I’m not a baby, Fluttershy!” she complained, voice muffled by the interior of the hollowed-out tree.
“…One…”
“’Shy…”
“…Two…”
“Fluttershy.” Her voice almost sounded desperate.
“…Thr – “
“OK, OK, I’M OUT! Jeez.”
Dash pushed herself out of the hole, popping out on the branch beneath her. She crossed her arms over her chubby flesh, staring daggers at her friend. In her head, she had killed Fluttershy nine times, but she would never admit it out loud.
“Good. Thank you.” Fluttershy grinned at her. “Now, let’s – “
The butter-yellow dragon’s sentence was delayed when the duo felt a giant mesh net drape over the both of them.
: : : :
“Eugh, we’ve been searching for ages!” Rarity complained, making sure to keep Pinkie Pie in tow behind her. She glanced up in the sky from time to time, using up the last bit of hope in her system to search of the prismatic dragon of the hour, and finding out she was nowhere in sight. She sighed theatrically, again, and scrunched up her brow in worry. “Oh, dear, I hope I’m not sweating underneath these scales!”
Pinkie popped another cookie in her mouth from the vendor she had sought for a while ago. “But why would you want to stop? It’s just like hide-and-seek! Dashie could be anywhere, and you wouldn’t even know it!” The pink dragon then placed an erect hand over her eyes, like a captain’s salute. “She could be over there, or behind that corner! Or, or, maybe she’s hiding in that bucket of apples over there! Do you think so, Rarity? Huh, huh, huh?”
Rarity, checking out her appearance in a nearby window, seemed to pay no heed to Pinkie and her antics. She batted a hand at her friend, as if to wave her away. “Oh, yeah, sure, Pinkie… Oh, Celestia! I miss my other body terribly,” the ivory dragon lamented. “If only Rainbow Dash didn’t fly off so early. I could have been rejuvenating myself in a nice, luxurious mudbath. I can’t feel anything above these scales.” She seethed silently.
“Hey, being a dragon is fun!” Pinkie basically sung. “You know, I think you need some motivation!”
Rarity, snapping out of her reverie, suddenly looked at her in horror. “And, by motivation, do you mean…?”
Pinkie sucked in a breath, puffing her chest out, and launched herself into song.
“Puff the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee,
Little Jackie paper loved that rascal puff,
And brought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff, oh!”
Rarity bit down on her lip, looking at her bewilderment. “How many songs do you know about, well… everything?”
“Hmmm, well, that’s a toughie! Puff the Magic Dragon is the only song I know about dragons, but I know tons of songs about cupcakes! Ooh, wanna hear one of them?”
“Well, darling, I think I’m okay for now.”
The duo continued sauntering down the street quietly, and soon the area was crowded with more and more ponies as they reached the main part of town. They were soon having to accustom to politely pushing through the citizens’ legs as if going through a labyrinth, earning bewildered stares as they passed.
“Yes, yes, excuse me,” Rarity huffed. “Pardon me, gentlemen, two dragons coming through. Hey, why don’t you take a picture? It’ll last longer!”
Pinkie, on the other hand, jovially greeted everypony that made contact with them, earning hesitant waves and looks in exchange. She skipped and slid through the crowds with ease, while Rarity had a hard time pushing past – and nearly getting stepped on with – the hooves of the other citizens. She was fuming red with frustration and anger; so red a tomato would be jealous.
“Aw, come on, Rari!” Pinkie cooed, nudging the ivory dragon playfully in the shoulder. “I know this is no fun for you, but, hey! I think it would be a fantabulistic idea if we made a game of it! Yes? No? Maybe so?“
“No.”
“Oh. Should we sing another – “
“No.”
“Can we – “
“No.”
Pinkie tsked her lightly. “You didn’t even hear what I was going to say, you silly billy!”
“I didn’t need to,” Rarity grumbled, too low for the pink dragon to hear, however.
“You know, if you keep frowning like that, you’re gonna get wrinkles quicker! But, hey, maybe you’ll get lucky and end up like Granny Smith! She isn’t that bad.”
Rarity halted in the middle of the street. Somepony accidentally crushed her tail. She made a face, like she was going to throw up. She forced herself not to gag on her own larynx.
From then on, she decided to take Pinkie Pie’s words to heart.
: : : :
On a different route ranging away from the others, Applejack, Twilight, and Spike lumbered along a winding path through a less bustling part of Ponyville. Twilight was perched atop Spike’s withers, who was still getting used to the fact that he was now a pony, and didn’t necessarily need two legs to stand on. She was scoping out their surroundings cautiously, while Applejack sat near Spike’s rump for no real reason at all. She just looked ahead, a serious expression on her face.
“Wow, it’s so cool being a pony! I’m not as chubby as I used to be, and I feel stronger, although these hooves are very grating,” he told them, even though they didn’t seem to care. “But, nonetheless, I feel great!”
“Yeah, uh-huh, it’s very magical,” Twilight said monotonously, still scrutinizing the area with her violet eyes.
They passed through the marketplace, and ironically it was less busy than usual. Spike eyed the fruits and candies with hungry eyes, but occasionally got flicked on the ear by Twilight before he could reach with his longer muzzle and grab a mouthful of the treats. He chuckled, abashed, before moving on.
Then, they passed a trio of fillies and colts playing four-square. The ball they were using haphazardly bounded towards them. Spike unexpectedly leapt onto his back hooves, causing the unprepared dragons on his back to topple to the cemented ground with strangled yelps. He caught the ball between his front hooves before bouncing it back to them. They stared at Spike in astonishment for a while, then muttered a thank you before returning to their game.
“Y’know, Spike,” Applejack began, rubbing her scales with a clawed hand. She sat on her rump in the soil, a groaning Twilight lying beside her. “Ponies usually catch balls in their mouths.”
Spike chuckled an embarrassed chuckle. Then, he stared at her, his nose scrunched up. “That sounded dirty.”
“Oh, for Pete’s sake, Spike! You oughta get placed in the perv box just for that! Just help me and Twilight back up so we can continue searchin’ for Rainbow!” she snapped. “It’s nearly sundown and I don’t wanna go home to a chortlin’ brother who’ll stick me in a high-chair and feed me cider from a sippy-cup just for the hell of it!”
Spike snorted.
“What was that, partner?”
“N-nothing! Let’s just, ah, move on.”
Applejack glared at him, but didn’t make a biting remark. She rubbed Twilight soothingly on the back as she coughed up more gravel stones.
After a few more minutes of walking, something caught their eye almost simultaneously. Three shadows the size of a normal filly scurried between lush green hedges as the sun beat down on them, a lump atop one of them that resembled some sort of rucksack or net. Their mouths seemed to be moving, and vague giggling sounded from the area they were scurrying through. Applejack squinted until she could clearly make out an oversized bow on top of one of the fillies’ heads.
“That looks like Apple Bloom and her Crusader friends!” she announced.
“Seems like they’re up to no good,” Twilight hypothesized.
“Should we follow them?”
Applejack bit the inside of her cheek, her emerald eyes still slits in her face. “Nah, they’re probably doin’ their normal business.”
“Is being creeps part of their normal business?” Spike inquired.
Applejack pondered that for a moment. “Seems like it,” she finally agreed.
And then, completely oblivious to the bearings inside the net, nor caring about it at all, they continued on their way.
: : : :
The Cutie Mark Crusaders finally entered their clubhouse, shutting the creaky door as quietly as they could behind them. Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom cautiously positioned a wide, rectangular table in the middle of the room, while Scootaloo tentatively hauled the load off her back and set it on the surface. Noises of befuddlement sounded from the net, and the mesh decided to bulge out in several places.
“You better let me outta this Celestia-forsaken thing, or I’m gonna complain to the navy!” a muffled, raspy voice cracked from underneath the netting.
“Oh, no, she wouldn’t do that – “ another voice began, though it was softer and more harmonious.
“I mean it! Or be prepared for your hindquarters to be more colorful than your manes!”
The trio of fillies giggled at the tiny, diaphanous voices wafting from inside the netting. The holes in the mesh weren’t bigger than the tip of a quill, but small, pronged claws poked through the material and threatened to tear it apart.
“Wha… what? Are they laughing at us? Let us out now, and I’ll delightfully have the pleasure of rearranging your faces so your momma won’t even want to look at them anymore! Whoever you are!”
Scootaloo shrugged, grinning, and tipped the net up from the bottom so the items inside could topple out of the opening. She threw the net away and gazed upon their catch of the day.
The two baby dragons they had found arguing before sat, looking dazed, on the table before them. They looked to be no bigger than Spike, and the fascinating colors mesmerized them in their stupor.
The yellow dragon looked up at them with glassy cerulean eyes, still sitting on her rump, her legs out to the side. The blue one, however, had gotten up on its own stubby legs, its fists balled and teeth bared.
“I’m about to rain hell on – huh?”
“Whoa!” Scootaloo exclaimed, violet eyes sparkling in fascination. She inched her face closer to the cyan dragon. “Just whoa! You talk and look exactly like Rainbow Dash, except you’re a dragon! Are you, like, her twin from another dimension, or something?”
The cyan dragon elevated an eyebrow before shaking her head, clearly befuddled by all commotion. “Huh? No! Scoots, I am Rainbow Dash!”
The fillies exchanged discombobulated glances. Their eyebrows were furrowed quizzically.
“That don’t make any sense!” Apple Bloom said. “Rainbow Dash is a pony and you’re a dragon.”
“Yes, but, I am her,” Dash stammered, her mind circling itself, growing dizzy. Somehow, she had no idea what her mind was doing besides letting her talk the way she didn’t want.
“But you’re a dragon!”
“Yes… but… I am…” Dash resisted the urge to face-hoof. Her lower eyelid twitched. She turned to Fluttershy, who was still sitting on her haunches and twiddling her thumbs rather awkwardly. “Help me out here?” she asked, her magenta eyes flashing sparkles of annoyance and hope.
She swore she saw Fluttershy flush. The yellow dragon darted her eyes, left, right, then flashed her friend a half-helpful smile. “No, you’re doing great!” she squeaked, giving her the thumbs-up sign.
Rainbow Dash face-hoofed, and groaned.
“Okay, then.” She huffed out a breath, a thin tendril of smoke curling out of her lips. “Fine. Okay. Here goes.” Deciding she wasn’t going to get anywhere by just stammering out a jumble of random words, she immediately launched into the tale of magic gone wrong, smelly, disgusting foals, and finally being turned into scaly dragons. She managed to not leave out any big details. The story left her breathless. She could probably write a whole fiction on it.
Heck, maybe two.
When she finished, the trio of fillies said nothing. Their humongous, round eyes stared at her, unblinkingly, for a moment or two. Then, all of a sudden, they burst into laughter, tears of mirth streaming out of their eyes. They collapsed onto the floorboards, their legs kicking out in a rather adorable way as they laughed. Rainbow Dash sighed.
“Yes, yes, it’s bucking hilarious. Laugh it up, small fries,” she mumbled.
“Oh, oh, oh! Ahaha! Twilight draggin’ herself around in a diaper with her adult brain is gold!” Apple Bloom managed to stutter out between fits of laughter.
“Y-yeah! And, and, my sister kicking Pinkie in the pudenda was hilarious!” Sweetie Belle howled.
The two fillies beside her stopped laughing, raising their eyebrows in confusion at her.
At first, Sweetie Belle was similarly befuddled. Then, it came to her. She rolled her eyes at her friends. “Another term we learned at school.”
“Oh!” they said.
“Ahem.” Rainbow Dash tapped her foot against the tabletop, irritated.
“S-so,” Apple Bloom said, constraining herself not to crack up again. She wiped her eyes, standing up on all fours. “That one’s Fluttershy?” She pointed a hoof at the butter-yellow dragon. “Where are the others?”
“Yes,” Fluttershy said, quietly. She waved. “Hi, girls.” She set her claw down. “Actually, I’m not sure where the others are, but we’ve all been searching for Rainbow Dash so Twilight can turn us back to normal…” She shot a look at Dash, though it was less intimidating than she would have liked.
Rainbow Dash avoided her gaze, a light blush spreading on her cheeks like butter. “Oh. Hehe. Sorry.”
Fluttershy giggled. “I think it would be best if we found them soon, before sundown. I don’t want to go home to bed, only to poke holes into my mattress with these scales!” she said with another giggle.
Dash chuckled. “You’ve got a point there. But anyway, I’ve got a bone to pick with you three,” she said, more serious, swinging around to look the three fillies in the eyes. They wore nervous smiles as she placed her claws on her hips. “Why did you kidnap us anyway? It’s kind of creepy, now that I think about it.” A slight shiver ran down her spine.
“Oh. Ehehe…” Sweetie Belle gave her friends dubious looks. They gestured for her to go on, their own teeth gritted. “Well, we wanted to get our dragon-slaying – er, catching – “ she corrected herself when Fluttershy gave her a look of horror. “ – cutie marks! Yeah.”
“Oh, of course,” Rainbow Dash said, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I should’ve known.”
Fluttershy cleared her throat. “Anyway, I think we should get going, don’t you think, Rainbow Dash? Our friends will be expecting us, soon.”
“Euh, you’re right,” she agreed, flaring her leathery wings. “Catch ya kiddies later, then. And, next time, do something that’s a taaad less creepy to earn your cutie marks than what you did before, ya hear?”
“Will do. Heh.” Scootaloo looked away, blushing ferociously.
Dash helped Fluttershy stand with a claw locked around her friend’s wrist, and made to leave.
“Wait!” Apple Bloom said, suddenly remembering something. “I remember seein’ a dragon that resembled my sister, a pony that resembled Spike, and another dragon than resembled Twilight on our way to the clubhouse! Maybe that’s them! Last time I saw them, they were at the marketplace! Maybe we could take y’all there, if that’s alright with you.”
“Hey, that sounds great!” Dash said, grinning. “Thanks!”
Fluttershy stood motionless. Now how are they going to take us to them? she asked herself, a tiny knot of fear twisting in her stomach.
: : : :
The three fillies burst out of the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ clubhouse, zipping down the streets like bulls on parade and kicking up clumps of dirt in their wake. Scootaloo donned Rainbow Dash on her back, and Sweetie Belle adorned Fluttershy, while Apple Bloom took the lead feverishly.
“Onwards, my little ponies!” Dash bellowed, pointing a branch like a jousting stick in front of her. She slapped imaginary reins against Scootaloo’s withers, waging another exaggerated battle cry.
Fluttershy, on the other hand, clung onto Sweetie Belle’s mane for dear life as she was juggled erratically on the fillies back like an electric razor vibrating mercilessly on the bathroom marble. Her scales were buffeted by the wind racing to meet her. “I… ugh… th-think we sh-should… eep… slow down!”
The fillies ignored her as they continued to blunder towards the marketplace, giggling uncontrollably as they passed confused vendors and onlookers.
“What? Never seen a dragon riding on a filly’s back before?” Dash asked over the noise of clopping hooves. They continued to stare. “That’s what I thought. Move along, move along!”
Notably, they moved along.
“There they are!” Apple Bloom announced, thrusting a hoof towards a concentrated-looking stallion who was bouncing an apple between two hooves, two dragons standing atop his back looking quite irritated.
“Oh, dear, can w-we just take a break for now – oh!” Fluttershy squeaked when Sweetie Belle nearly slipped out from underneath her. She grabbed her curls in her claws again, nervously praying to Celestia as they galloped.
“Apple Bloom?” Applejack inquired as they came hastily into view. “What in tarnation are you – Rainbow? Fluttershy? Oh, fudgin’ finally!”
“You got them! We were getting so worried,” Twilight admitted smilingly. Her cold seemed to have gone down quite a bit, but her face was still puffy and red and she had the occasional sniffles here and there. Yet, she seemed better than before.
“Hey, yeah!” Dash proclaimed. “But, eh, sorry about flying off earlier… Wasn’t very proper of me.”
“That’s fi – “
“Darn tootin’ it wasn’t proper of ya!” Applejack snarled, wiggling her rump like a cat ready to pounce on a fresh field mouse. She lunged at Rainbow, claws unsheathed and teeth bared.
“Applejack!” Twilight screamed, squinting her eyes. Fluttershy clapped her palms over her own, giving a little squeal of terror.
But the two, as well as the others, were surprised when giddy laughs and chortles radiated from the cyan dragon, as well as faint chuckles from the orange dragon between breathless words.
“Your name should be Silly Goose instead of Rainbow Dash!” Applejack laughed, giving Dash a full-on noogie with her fist. Her friend cried out in mirth, trying to form words between her lips, but they were immediately blocked by uncontainable laughter. The rest of the group couldn’t help but join in.
Just then, as the laughter began to cease, a vibrant pink head poked out from behind a wooden crate. Its wide cerulean eyes widened even farther when she saw them, and she scampered towards the group with the splitting sides.
“Pinkie Pie!” Twilight said, the first to see her approach. The rest of them turned their heads. “Are you okay? Where’s Rarity?”
Pinkie drew in a deep breath, her face flushing the palest pink. “Rarity has been captured by a big, greedy, good-for-nothing spindly dragon with limbs the size of a double-decker bus! It snatched her up and took her all the way to the mountains beside Canterlot! I saw the whole thing! It was super-duper coco-crazy!” she pressed out, collapsing on the ground, exhausted.
“What?” Spike cried, a look of horror crossing her features. “How dare he take my damsel in distress! I oughta rain hell upon that brute! Being changed back can wait another day. Don’t worry, Rarity, I will save you!” He raised his muzzle to the sky, his eyes furrowed in determination.
“Spike, maybe we should – “ Twilight’s words were cut off when Spike took off down the street as fast as his new legs could take him. The group watched them go, utter confusion and surprise forming on their faces.
…everypony except the three excitable fillies, who glanced at each other with wildly enthusiastic eyes. Their jaws widened in perturbation, their eyes glittering with a new, bright idea.
“Wow! If we go, we can totallyget our dragon-slaying cutie marks!” Scootaloo exclaimed giddily.
“Yeah! And maybe even our damsel-in-distress-saving cutie marks!” Sweetie Belle chimed in.
“Actually, I think that one’s going to Spike,” Apple Bloom pointed out.
They burst out laughing. “CUTIE MARK CRUSADER DRAGON-SLAYERS, ATTEMPT NO. 2, YEAH!” they yelled to the yonder, still giggling uncontrollably.
“’Ho boy,” Applejack muttered, yet she was smiling. She and Dash braced themselves as the fillies took off down the street, a screaming Fluttershy in their wake and an ivory dragon needing saving just ahead of them.
And Pinkie was still passed out on the ground.
Author's Note
Edit: Hopefully I can get the next chapter done quickly. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, and thanks so much for all the watches, favorites, likes, comments, and the feature! I greatly appreciate it.
How to Pit Your Dragons Against Another Dragon and Have Them Mostly Come Out in One Piece
Spike was already climbing the steep, jagged cliff edge of the mountains beside Canterlot, Twilight hanging off his tail threads like a flailing dragon-shaped piñata. The CMC struggled up the rocky terrain, their hooves grating painfully along the fissures and jags, not quite able to catch up to Spike, who had his adrenaline flowing because of his damsel in distress in disaster. Applejack had Pinkie under one scaly arm – who, of course, was still fitfully passed out like Berry Punch on New Year’s Eve – and Dash had her claws wrapped around the orange dragon’s waist as Scootaloo griped and struggled. Fluttershy was shuddering uncontrollably on Sweetie Belle’s withers, gulping loudly whenever she accidentally looked down to the fields below. The sun’s rays beat down on each one of them, causing the journey to be more than harrowing.
“You know, if I had known we would be whoopin’ a dragon’s hindquarters today, I would have brought my sledgehammer,” Rainbow Dash sighed, a bit of a bragging edge evident in her voice. Scootaloo giggled in consternation, and Applejack simply rolled her eyes and looked back at her with a thin mouth. “What?” she said.
“You don’t have a sledgehammer,” Applejack mumbled, looking back to the front, though it was mostly to herself and Dash didn’t show any recognition of hearing it.
Sweetie Belle lightly tripped on rock. Fluttershy squeaked noisily at the sudden contact, burying her head into Sweetie’s mane and shivering uncontrollably like she’s just been introduced to a vampire queen. After a few moments, however, she timidly peeked out of a column of hair. “Uhm – HIC – d-do you maybe think we c-could – HIC – turn around and – HIC – go h-home?”
Spike whipped around, giving Fluttershy a stare that screamed, Hell for the sake of no! and earning a wicked slap to the flanks from the dangling lavender dragon on his tail.
Rainbow Dash’s lips trembled in a watery smile. “Fluttershy, do y-you have, the hiccups?” She burst out laughing, trying to utter more words but they were blocked by her guffaws.
Fluttershy blushed deeply.
Applejack clapped Rainbow Dash upside the head. Dash yelped and rubbed her scales, looking at her friend with her lips drawn up. “What?” she asked for the second time that day.
“I think,” Applejack began solidly. “we should be coaxin’ Fluttershy along instead of makin’ fun of her, you dig?”
“Yeah, I dig. I dig a nice bag of Cheeto’s and – “
“Hey, how about a song!” Pinkie exclaimed, a wide smile plastered on her pink face. Her head had shot up, and she had been conscious for Celestia knows how long. Applejack yelped in surprise and nearly dropped her onto a sharp stalagmite that threatened to cleave her head in two.
“Huh? When did you – “
Dash slapped Applejack’s cheeks rapidly, yet lightly, her eyes wide in relevant horror. “Buck buck buck buck buck – “ she repeated like a mantra.
“Sugarcube, what are you – “
“Yeah! A song sounds great!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed, giving a little skip and scaring Fluttershy half out of her wits.
“Nooooooooooooooooooo!” Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Twilight shrieked.
Pinkie Pie drew in a humongous breath –
And –
“Come along with me
And the butterflies and the bees
We can wander through the forest
And do so as we please.
Come along with me
To a cliff under a – “
“I think my eardrums imploded,” Rainbow Dash said dully.
Pinkie then shot her friend a look, a look that was quite irritated. Dash nearly recoiled. “You potato! You interrupted my song!”
“Don’t call me a potato!” Dash demanded, nose wrinkling.
Pinkie raised her eyebrows, a wry smile gracing her lips, like she was up to the challenge. “PO – “
“Pinkie, no.”
“TAY – “
“No!”
“ – TOOOOOOOO!”
The Crusaders broke out laughing until their sides split. Dash’s face drooped, and she dropped it in her claws. “For the love of – “
“Okay, okay, that’s enough,” Twilight spoke up, sound mildly irate through her cold. She crossed one arm over her chest, on account of her other clawed hand was used to cling onto Spike’s short, green tail. The others pondered why she preferred it there instead of on the pony’s back. “We’re almost there, anyway.”
Fluttershy peeked her head out of Sweetie’s mane and peered up at the cliff edge, her eyes widening when the gaping maw of a cave came into view. She gulped.
“I see it, y’all!” Apple Bloom declared, pointing at the cave with a yellow hoof. “Oh, boy, I can’t wait to get our dragon-slaying cutie marks, don’tcha agree?”
“Yeah!” Sweetie Belle cheered. She gave a little skip, and regrettably bashed her nose into Scootaloo’s rear. She blushed, then narrowed her eyes as she noticed something when the orange filly didn’t turn around to scold her. “Hey, Scoots, you haven’t talked to whole trip. What’s going on?”
In Scootaloo’s mind, there was a lot going on.
Her brain had been revving the whole trip, Oh my gosh, Rainbow Dash is on my back, she’s on my back and she’s riding me, she’s actually riding me so hard and – “Huh?” She thought she heard something.
“Were you even listening to me?”
“Eh, no, not really,” Scootaloo admitted. Rainbow Dash chuckled, and the orange filly blushed.
Sweetie Belle narrowed her eyes, but then laughed anyway.
“Shhhh!” Twilight hissed in her clogged voice. She put a claw to her lips, then pointed it towards the cave entrance. “We’re here.”
The four ponies and the five dragons stopped in front of it, straining their necks to take a better look. Twilight picked some rocks out of her feet while Applejack carried Pinkie off of Scootaloo’s back and Rainbow Dash followed. Fluttershy trembled in Sweetie’s mane, the ivory filly coaxing her into departing. When nothing worked, the filly gently shook her off until the yellow dragon fell like a feather to the ground.
Dash helped her friend up and dusted her own self off. “Ah, this is going to be totally awesome! Am I right, squirt?” She nudged Scootaloo’s shoulder.
Scootaloo nodded vigorously.
Fluttershy was still shaking. “May I please die? Like, right now?” she asked quietly, holding her legs in a shuddering stance like she was about to pee.
“Sorry, Sugarcube,” Applejack said. “but dyin’ will have to wait for another day. We got a friend to save, and we’re not even in the cave yet.”
“O-oh.”
“I guess you’re right,” Dash said dismissively. “But I would have preferred it if one of you brought, like, maybe a fan, up here. I don’t think this mountain mist is good for my complexion, but, I dunno.”
“Well, actually, mist is great for a dragon’s scales,” Spike told her, his voice prim and deductive like a scientist’s.
“Oh, really? Okay, because I really like my body to – “
“Oh, will you two please shut up?” Applejack shouted politely.
Dash’s shoulder rose up to touch her cheek and her arm went to the opposite waist, her face taking on a look of apathy. “Okay, jeez. Who pooped in your ponyflakes this morning?”
The fillies snickered.
Twilight sighed irately, shaking her head. Her foot tapped against the ground. “Okay, guys, let’s just go in and – “
“Oh! Oh oh ooooh!” Pinkie Pie started bouncing on her scaly tail, her body a pink blur as she bounded up to the cave’s maw. “I know! Let’s sing a song while we walk in there! I know tons of songs about caves! Who’s with me?”
“NO!” everypony shouted in unison.
Pinkie stared at them, unamused. “You guys are party-poopers.”
Twilight rolled her eyes back into her skull. “Alright, now let’s go in. But, I think we should all go in at the same exact time, so – “
Suddenly, a gut-wrenching scream echoed from inside the cave.
Fluttershy shrieked and hid behind a bush. Spike’s ears stood erect, and he looked beyond in horror. The rest grimaced, and Sweetie Belle clucked her tongue just once.
“Yep. That sure sounds like Rarity, alright,” she analyzed.
“Rarity!” Spike shouted, raising his hoof out like he was reaching for the last cookie, and his life depended on it to steal that cookie. “But soft! what light through yonder window breaks! It is the east, and Rarity is the sun.”
Then, he ran in the cave, screaming more Poneo and Juliet quotes as he went.
“Wait! Spike! What did I say about sticking together?” Twilight groaned, clapping a claw against her face.
“Don’t worry, Twi, I got this!” Dash declared suddenly. She leapt onto Scootaloo’s back and snapped off a branch from the nearest tree. She swept up Fluttershy as well, and pointed the branch out in front of her like a jousting stick.
“This is gonna be so sick,” Scootaloo said, mostly to herself.
“CHAAAARGE!”
Scootaloo reared her front legs into the air for emphasis before bolting into the mouth of the cave, Dash’s cries and Fluttershy’s screams reaching out towards them as echoes as they went.
“Oh, for the sake of all things holy!” Twilight muttered.
“Let’s just go, Twilight. That whole ‘sticking together’ thing didn’t really work,” Applejack said, clutching Pinkie under her arm again and hopping onto Apple Bloom’s withers. “Yee-haw!” she cried.
Twilight took the memo and hopped onto Sweetie Belle’s back. Side by side, they all rushed to meet up with their friends.
The cave was dimly lit, dank and musty. The light streaming in from outside was the only source, but they had no troubles seeing what was in front of them. Stray gems and jewels decorated the floor, and soon enough they led to a larger area in which heaps and piles of them sat, glimmering temptingly.
And, beside them, lay the largest dragon they have ever seen. The spikes on its back shot up like mammoth tusks, and the gleaming purple scales decorating its body shone in the very little light that filtered in. Thankfully, the dragon was sleeping, but its snores were incredible and shook everypony’s bones to the core.
Fluttershy squeaked again, her lungs deteriorating any words that could come out at any moment. All she managed to utter was a lame, “Oh – HIC – dear.”
“Totally. Awesome,” Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo said simultaneously.
The entire group had stopped a few feet before the dragon’s abnormally long nose, and were staring at it with malice, perturb, determination, and horror. The CMC hoof-bumped and murmured their dragon-slaying catchphrase together in low voices, giggling. Applejack clamped a clawed hand over Pinkie Pie’s mouth when she dared to break out into song. Twilight rubbed Fluttershy’s back reassuringly, and Dash silently determined how she was going to size this bad boy up.
Fluttershy quietly murmured, “I – I don’t know if we should do this, you guys.”
Applejack smiled warmly at her. “It’ll be alright, Sugarcube. We’re all in this together, ya hear? Just be positive. Can you do that for me?”
“Positive. Right. Okay.” She puffed her chest out, yet it was a meager attempt.
Dash sighed.
Just then, Fluttershy, reared her head back, sucked in a mighty breath, and shouted quietly, “Fus ro yay!”
They all stared at her, blinking. Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened. “She’s a dragonborn,” she breathed.
“Oh, will you shuddup!” Applejack said haughtily. Dash chortled.
Unfortunately, for the lot of them, they hadn’t noticed the dragon beginning to stir.
The gems rustled, however, with the dragon’s last movements, and everypony slowly turned around. Their eyes widened as the dragon rose – five, ten, twenty feet in the air, stretching out its limbs and making abhorrent hissing sounds with its teeth. Suddenly, a black puff of smoke blew from its mouth as it snorted and yawned, then slowly flickered open its bright amber eyes.
Fluttershy was trembling even more, now. Her teeth chattered relentlessly. “T-too l-loud?” she managed to squeak.
“Well, Sugarcube,” Applejack said, her eyes not leaving the monster. “I reckon you were this time.”
Sweetie Belle shook. “Well, now I’m not really that eager to get our dragon-slaying cutie marks anymore,” she admitted, crouching low to the ground and burying her muzzle between her forelegs.
Apple Bloom nodded. Scootaloo smirked and blew out a puff of air like it was no big deal, yet inside she was screaming like a newly-born foal.
“Okay,” Dash said, scrutinizing the dragon and flexing her arms. “Let’s kick some tail here!” She flew up to the dragon’s bridge-of-a-nose, too sly and fast for Applejack to catch her tail in her mouth.
“Yeah, go Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo cheered, pumping an orange hoof in the air. Dash winked at her.
“This won’t end well,” Twilight groaned, covering her eyes with her hand. Applejack nodded and patted her friend’s shoulder.
“Hey, gems-for-brains!” Rainbow Dash yelled into the dragon’s gaping nostrils. “I don’t think your momma’s here to kiss you goodnight, so I’ll do it for you!” The cyan dragon whipped around in a three-sixty, sticking her hind leg out and hitting it straight into the peak of the dragon’s nose. Her tail-spikes skidded across its scales, and the gigantic dragon shook its head irritatingly.
The dragon growled, sizing Dash up and raising its tail, ready to strike. Rainbow Dash barely had time to flee before it rammed its spikes right into her plated chest and sent her tumbling through the air. Haphazardly, she smashed right into the rock wall of the cave, her body leaving a little dragon-splayed imprint as she groaned in pain.
Everypony turned away. “Oooh, that’s gonna leave a little bruise in the mornin’,” Applejack said.
“Don’t worry, Rainbow Dash, just walk it off, walk it off!” Twilight told her.
Dash gave her a mutual thumbs-up sign. She slid down the rocky wall, face-planting on the floor with another groan.
Spike snarled, baring his teeth at the dragon. “Where is the lady Rarity?” he demanded like a child, stomping his hoof against the floor in rage.
The dragon huffed, crossing its arms over its lengthy chest. He stepped aside, sweeping its arm in the direction of another pile of gems. Suddenly, the gems rustled, and a white-and-purple dragon sprouted out of the top of it, shrieking, “Gems! Gems, oh precious gems!” before diving back into the pile.
“Oh. Well, then,” Spike said, blinking. “I see she’s not in horrible danger – but you should still give her back to us, you beast!”
The dragon growled deeply, baring teeth the size of a regular pony. Smoke curled out of its nostrils, and he dug his claws into the heap of gems in which Rarity was swimming through.
“Don’t touch her, you mongrel!” Spike screamed.
“Wait, look!” Twilight sniffled, and tapped Spike on the shoulder.
The humongous dragon seemed to have the heart of a puppy. He clutched a squirming Rarity in his claws and held her against his cheek, in which he rubbed against her affectionately. Everypony swore they heard the dragon purr like a kitten.
“Whaaaaat,” Spike deadpanned.
“I’m sorry, Spike,” Rarity said, sounding quite shameful. “But… I promised him my virginity if he let me take some of his gems over there.”
Rainbow Dash – who seemed to have recovered quite quickly – burst into laughter, tears of mirth streaming out of her eyes. She collapsed to the floor, ribs on fire.
Spike looked like he had almost been hit by a car.
“Wait. What’s a virginity?” Pinkie asked, looking like she was counting something on her fingers. The three younger fillies voiced her question, as well.
“Er – you guys ain’t quite mature enough to know that yet,” Applejack said, her face growing warm.
Twilight raised her eyebrow, motioning towards Pinkie Pie – then her mouth made the shape of an O when she realized.
Spike looked quite hurt. “Well. Fine. It’s not like I wanted your virginity either!” he yelled like a lost foal, bending his head lower to the ground.
“I… can’t… GET UP! AHAHAHAHA!” Dash cackled. Everypony stared at her before closing their eyes and shaking their heads.
Twilight gritted her teeth and clenched her tiny fists. “Can we please just have Rarity back? We promise we won’t ever bother you again,” she yelled up to the dragon still clutching their friend.
The dragon put a claw to his lips, deep in thought. Then, in one quick motion, he closed his eyes and shook his head abruptly. Everypony groaned in exasperation.
Just then, Applejack got an idea. It was a totally absurd idea, and everypony would probably hate her for it. But it was the only chance they had – even if their ear drums were to be popped like fresh kernels of popcorn.
She cleared her throat, and tapped Pinkie on the shoulder. She turned to meet her eyes, and Applejack winked at her, motioning to the dragon. Pinkie got the memo, and stalked right up to the dragon leering over the cavern.
“Wh-what… what is she doing?” Fluttershy asked timidly, momentarily peeping out of her hiding place in which she had been cowering like a lost puppy.
Pinkie Pie put on her best war-face she could ever possibly muster, sucked in a lungful of air, and began to belt out loudly:
“Giggle at the ghosties
Guffaw at the grossly
Crack up with the creepy
Whoop it up with the weepy –
The dragon shook its head, trying to rid the sounds from his ears like they were bombshells. He growled in agony.
“Chortle at the kooky
Snortle at the spooky
Annnnnd tell that big dumb scary face to take a hike and leave you alone and if he thinks he can scare you then he’s got another thing coming and the very idea of such a thing just makes you wanna…
He he he ha ha ha
Laaaaaaauuuugh!”
The pink dragon basically screamed the last line out, her voice a shrill high-pitched symphony, the humongous dragon before them pounding at his ears with his fists and dropping Rarity in the midst of it all.
Luckily, Spike seemed to have been expecting that. He dashed just under to where the ivory dragon was falling and caught her on his back. He then gave her his best heroic smile and kept mumbling like a mantra that he forgave her for earlier.
“Nailed it!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“We got her! Good job, girls… good… eh… j-job…”
Applejack looked at her, concerned. “Twilight, sugar? Are you feelin’ okay?”
“Y-yeah… I just… ah…!”
“Oh, shish-kebobs!” Rainbow Dash said, grabbing Applejack and guiding her away from the lavender dragon. “She’s gonna sneeze again.”
“And… that’s a bad thing?” Apple Bloom inquired, puzzled.
“Yeah! Remember?”
Apple Bloom and the rest of the Crusaders scratched their heads, still blatantly confused. “I… I don’t follow.”
“I told you, remem – “
A – A – ACHOOOOOOO!
“’Ho, boy,” Applejack muttered. She crossed her heart over three times as the sudden plumes of magenta mist began to curl around them for the third time. Fluttershy squeaked in fear. The CMC made sounds of confusion. Twilight groaned.
The group squeezed their eyes shut as the confused roars of the dragon permeated their ears. They didn’t black out like last time, however, they felt their bodies changing.
As the magical smoke finally cleared away, everypony had a chance to study themselves.
“Hey, my cold’s gone!” Twilight exclaimed, rubbing a hoof against her nose. Then, her eyes popped out of her head. “Hey! I got hooves again!” She exhaled a breath of relief, stomping them against the ground just to make sure it wasn’t an illusion.
“I guess that sneeze was just waitin’ to clear it all, huh?” Applejack said, studying her own hooves and adjusting her Stetson atop her head. “Thank heavens.”
“Awww,” Spike droned, staring down upon his stubby legs and striking claws, looking quite crestfallen. “I don’t look heroic anymore.”
Rarity flipped her mane and fluttered her long, black eyelashes. “You’ll always be heroic to me, Spikey-Wikey.” She kissed him upon the nose.
He blushed deeply, his head spinning with stars.
Fluttershy and Pinkie were preening something of their own; Fluttershy with her feathers, and Pinkie Pie fluffing her hair so it poofed exactly the way she liked it. The trio of fillies were scrambling every which-way, making sounds of awe as they examined each other’s flanks. They were shrieking in delight, and everypony looked their way to find out what was going on.
“Hey!” Applejack said, eyes wide with shock and gratitude. “Y’all got your cutie marks!”
And indeed, they have. Their flanks adorned the same image – a dragon with a knife sprouting out of its chest. Rarity recoiled with a disgusted look on her face, but feigned a smile all the same when Sweetie ran over to show her more clearly. Apple Bloom sucked in all of her sister’s praise with a smug grin.
“Now, how did that happen?” Applejack wondered aloud. “I’ve never heard of three ponies earnin’ the same cutie marks at the same time…” She glanced over to Twilight with inquiring eyes, earning a blush and a small, shameful smile in return.
The fillies just giggled in delight, unknowing and uncaring.
Scootaloo was buzzing her wings in anticipation, eager to show her idol what she had accomplished. Her eyes darted everywhere, her smile fading slowly when she didn’t pinpoint the pony she was looking for.
“Rainbow Dash?” she called. “Hey, where’s Rainbow Dash?”
“I’m… over here,” a melancholy voice said from behind a large boulder.
Scootaloo’s face brightened, and she began to race over to her. “Rainbow Dash, look what I – “
“Don’t come any closer!” Dash demanded, her voice cracking. She held up a blue hoof, and the filly stopped in her tracks, looking quite hurt.
“But…” was all the orange filly could mutter. She felt sudden tears prick the corners of her eyes.
“Rainbow Dash, what’s wrong?” Pinkie asked. “Does Miss Grumpy Gills need a hug?”
“No! Just… don’t look at me.”
“What’s the matter? Did something happen to you?” Twilight inquired.
A pause. “I guess you could say something happened to me.” Her voice cracked again.
“Well, whatever the something is, I’m sure it can’t be that bad.”
“Trust me, it is.”
“Oh, come on! We’re all friends, here.”
They heard Rainbow Dash give a large, exasperated sigh. “Fiiiiine.” Slowly, the cyan mare got up on all fours, and slowly receded from the boulder, avoiding to meet the eyes of her friends as she walked out.
“I don’t see what’s wro – “ Twilight gasped harshly. Dash flinched.
“What in tarnation?!”
“Oh, good grief!”
“Rainbow Dash! Your… your…”
They all shrunk back as Dash fully came into view, a dour frown on the blue pegasus’ lips. They stared at her hindquarters, which was distinctly and utterly, bare.
“Good heavens, darling!” Rarity cried. “What happened to your tail?”
“I don’t know!” She shrugged helplessly and shrunk back against the wall.
“Well,” Applejack began. “Whatever it was, it must’ve been the tail end of a disaster, alright.”
Everypony burst into capacious laughter. Rainbow Dash growled, baring her teeth at everypony in turn. Applejack wiped her eyes, blowing a raspberry at her friend between fits of guffaws.
“Yeah, yeah, keep laughing you stupid – “
Suddenly, Pinkie Pie piped up after wiping tears of mirth from her eyes. “Hey, where’d the dragon go? He was right ther – oh.”
Everypony turned around to follow her line of vision. They were confused for a moment, then their eyes widened.
“Oh, my,” Rarity said, stifling laughter.
No leering, purple dragon was in plain sight. Instead, in the place of the dragon, a fat, pink pig stood, oinking up something awful. Everypony looked at the pig, then each other, their eyebrows shooting up into their bangs.
“Well, crap,” Dash murmured.
Applejack snorted.
The pig squealed gutturally, its eyes lined with fear. It gave another shrill squeak before darting out of the cave entrance, surely falling into the abyss called Canterlot below, though the group couldn’t tell if it did or not.
“Well, I do believe we should be heading out, now,” Rarity said, stifling a yawn, acting as if a pig never appeared in the first place. “My beauty sleep is positively important, now darlings.”
When the ivory unicorn turned around, Sweetie Belle did a positively snooty, accurate imitation of her. The fillies laughed, along with the rest, and it was funny because it was indubitably spot on. Spike was the only one who looked upon them skeptically, turning around to join Rarity on her walk out of the cave.
“Now, as fun as an adventure that was,” Twilight said. “I do have to agree with Rarity. We had a big day, and I’m beat.”
“Yeah, let’s go,” Rainbow Dash agreed, mostly done with moaning over her long-lost tail. She picked herself up and began to traipse after the rest, but suddenly halted in her steps and straightened her posture. She put on a full-on smirk. “Another day, another dungeon!”
Twilight looked back at her smugly. “Isn’t that from a Daring Doo book?”
Rainbow Dash blinked, blushing. “Eh… no?”
Fluttershy giggled alongside Pinkie, and Rainbow Dash ran to catch up with them, still red and as tail-less as ever. The fillies continued to fuss over their cutie-marks as they scrambled after the rest of the group.
“Mine’s shinier!” Scootaloo bragged.
“Mine’s prettier!” Sweetie Belle proclaimed.
“Well, mine’s… fiercer?” Apple Bloom said. Their voices were drowned out as they disappeared from the mouth of the cave.
Applejack and Twilight were the only ones left in the cave, and they walked out together, side by side and smirking.
“So, what do you think they’ll do once they find out their cutie-marks are fake?” Twilight pondered aloud to her friend.
Applejack shuddered. “Honestly, Twi,” she said, leaning closer to the lavender unicorn and whispering in her ear, “I don’t rightly want to know.”
Author's Note
I'm sorry, yet I'm not.
Also, please note the "random" tag.
Well, this would have come earlier, and I regret procrastinating this for too long. But, also, I was feeling depressed for some reason and the thought of writing happy words made me cringe.
I am not at all happy with this, but I hope you enjoyed, nonetheless. But, I do have some more things to say:
Thank you, so much for all the comments, favorites, likes, watches, and reads. I appreciate it very much. Hopefully this silly little tale of mine won't go unremembered. But possibly I could write something about Rainbow Dash and her missing tail. Oh, wait, shoot! I just gave out an idea. xD
Thank you, again!
