It was a sunny, clichéd day in Ponyville. Celestia’s Sun was high in the sky, and ponies below were doing whatever the Hell it is they do. In particular, one magical talking horse with a horn was studying instead of hanging out with her friends. She really needs to stop studying for one God damn second so she can hang with her friends. Her name was Twilight Sparkle. She had a servant named Spike, who had no free will of his own. On this day, Spike was being forced to clean all the toilets in town, even the toilets at the Taco Bell across the street (God knows what that was like). Twilight, however, was enjoying her studies because she’s a nerd with no life.
Twilight decided to go outside for once, but once she made it out, the light blinded her
“MY EYES!” she screamed.
All the ponies around looked at her for a second, then they all went, “Meh,” and continued on.
Twilight needed something to do, so she went over to Rarity’s regal residence.
“Rarity, open the damn door!” She yelled.
“Go away! I’m busy!” Rarity yelled back.
Little did Twilight know that Rarity had been having sex all day. Her marehood was very worn out.
Twilight then decided to go to Applejack’s farm, but turned away when she remembered that Applejack was a background pony, and as such, wasn’t worth visiting. So she went to Pinkie Pie’s bakery.
“Yo Pinkie! I’m here to steal all yo cupcakes and shit!”
I forgot to mention that Twilight’s a Gangsta.
Pinkie said, “Stay away from my cupcakes, bitch! Come near them, and I’ll cut you!”
“Then have a nice day, ya filthy animal,” Twilight said.
Pinkie pulled out a M1911 and shot at Twilight while Twilight ran from the store. One of the bullets hit Twilight in the head, and she died. But, suddenly, an alicorn flew down. He was red with a black mane.
He revived Twilight and said, “I revived you. Let’s have sex.”
And Twilight was all like :D
But suddenly, Pinkie ran out of the store with her M1911 and shot a whole mag at the alicorn. The alicorn died and Twilight ran away.
“And stay away from my store, you coward!” Pinkie yelled at Twilight.
Twilight ran all the way to Rainbow Dash’s house. Rainbow Dash, the lesbian of the group, was flying around because that’s all she ever does.
Twilight yelled, “RAINBOW DASH! GET YO FAT ASS DOWN HERE!”
Rainbow Dash yelled back, “SUCK MY DICK, BITCH!”
So Twilight pulled out Pinkie’s M1911 and shot Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow Dash yelled, “HA BITCH! I’M BULLETPROOF!”
Rainbow flew off towards Ponyville Hospital. Twilight followed her. Twilight charged up a spell that would kill Rainbow Dash when she was hit.
Twilight had a clear shot of Rainbow Dash, so she fired the spell. The spell went straight through Rainbow Dash and hit the hospital. The hospital exploded.
Twilight looked on in horror. She had just killed everypony in the hospital. She was a monster. But, she felt truly powerful for once. She realized that she should be in control of Equestria. So, she randomly started killing off ponies in the street. Twilight burned down the library and filled the town hall with water. She killed the mayor and assumed control of the town. Ordering her subjects to invade Canterlot, she wrote a final letter to Celestia:
Dear Princess Celestia,
Fuck you. I hate you, bitch. Get your fat ass off my throne. Be there in five.
Your successor,
-Twilight Sparkle
She sent the letter before rounding up Rarity, Pinkie, and Fluttershy.
She said, “You three be the only ponies who can defeat me, and as such, I must get rid of ya. Or, at least, two of you. Rarity, you be fired.”
Twilight again pulled out Pinkie’s M1911 and shot Rarity in the head.
“Pinkie,” Twilight continued, “You also be fired.”
Twilight shot Pinkie through the head.
“Yo Fluttershy! you get to live. I’ll even send you to a parallel world of your choice.”
“Oh, I’d like to go to a dimension where I don’t already exist. But, if it’s not too much trouble, can you send me to a dimension where they are ponies?”
Twilight said, “Of course!”
Twilight opened the portal and shoved Fluttershy through.
With Fluttershy out of the way, she marched on Canterlot, playing “The Stars and Stripes Forever” as she went.
Celestia heard the fantastic fanfare that went on forever. She decided to do something besides sit around and raise the sun. She ran to Luna, who was in the middle of a three-way between herself, Cadence, and Shining Armor. Celestia shot all three with Pinkie’s M1911, because she wasn’t invited. Then, she mind controlled all of Canterlot into fighting Twilight and her rather small army. When Twilight easily killed everypony in Canterlot, Celestia had no other choice. She ran to her throne, and pulled Pinkie’s M1911 out. She aimed it at the door.
Suddenly, Twilight flew in through the window, knocking the M1911 from Celestia’s grip.
Twilight stood over the fallen female fascist and said, “Yo, we coulda been a perfect team. But you had to go and fuck that up, didn’t ya.”
Twilight grabbed Pinkie’s M1911 and leveled it at Celestia’s face. Celestia suddenly got up and ran over to the throne. Throwing the throne away, she revealed a royal red button.
She said, “Any last words?”
Twilight said, “Yeah, I got a few. Fuck you, bitch. I hate you and yo country. And I’ll see you in Hell.”
Celestia pressed the big button. In a second, Canterlot Castle cracked in two and collapsed in on itself. The rest of Equestria was caught in disaster after Canterlot Mountain turned into a volcano. All of Ponyville was destroyed by a tornado that went out of control after Rainbow Dash was killed. Fillydelphia was flooded. Manehattan was burning. Vanhoover was covered in snow, so it was business as usual. All of Equestria was suddenly pulled into a black hole that was created when Pinkie’s M1911 shot a diamond, which collapsed in on itself and created a black hole.
Twilight woke up with a jolt.
“Oh, thank Celestia that was only a dream.”
The moral of this story is: If you are a nerd, don’t go outside. You will cause the end of the world.
