A Troublesome Life

I was crashed into by a blur of cyan and rainbow. I groaned as I felt the object move on top of me… or, pony. I looked up into the face of Rainbow Dash. She gave me a cocky smile, and I laughed. What she was smiling about? No clue; probably just trying to make me think she meant to do that. Why would anyone want to crash into someone else? I laughed at the thought I had.

“So, still trying out that trick?” I asked in a restrained voice. She was pressing all her weight onto my chest, and it was hard to breath. I let out a wheeze, and she laughed.

“What? Can’t handle a little weight?” She pressed down harder, and I began to wheeze. My vision wasn’t swimming, but I felt ready to pass-out. She put her mouth to my ear.

“You’d better get used to it, lover-boy.” She whispered, with a grin. That comment hit my like a cinderblock to the groin.  She looked in the direction where I met Octavia. That was obviously her house. My face grew red, and Dash laughed at me. She stood up, and took off. I got up, and filled my lungs with air.

A stand caught my eye. I walked over to it. I hadn’t a clue what they were selling. They looked like little figurines of some pegasi. They were all wearing the same outfit, but they were all different stallions and mares. They were extremely high priced, and, I wondered; Who the hell would buy these? I was about to touch one of them when a mare came out of nowhere, and slapped my hoof away.

“Watch it! These are priceless collector’s items!” She said. She was wearing what looked like a make-shift one of the suits. I looked at her, with quite a bit of interest. I looked back at the over-priced figurines.

“Uh… what’s so special about them?” I asked. She gasped, and took a step back in surprise. She then darted forward, and pressed her muzzle against mine. She had a look of hatred in her eyes.

“How could you not know the Wonderbolts?!” She yelled. I looked at her as if she were crazy. I put my hoof on her, and pushed her back a bit.

“I’m sorry, but, I’ve never heard of any ‘Wonderbolts’.” That was, actually, a bit of a lie. I heard about them when I was little, and, never really knew the big deal about them. I knew they must’ve been some sort of air-force, but, again; not really seeing the big deal. The mare gasped, and slapped me. I let out a ‘gah?!’ when it happened.

“You are one of the biggest idiots I’ve ever met!” She yelled, “The Wonderbolts are only the best fliers in all of Equestria! They have style! They have skill! They have everything that every great flier should have! And these-“ She picked up one of the figurines, “-are some of the rarest merchandize they have!” I took another look at the figurines. They looked pretty realistic. The ponies were all in heroic poses. I looked back at the fan-girl, and sighed.

“Seriously? They’re a bunch of glorified fliers? So, they’re just big stars. Nothing special about that.” Again, I was rewarded, but, not with a slap, oh no, but a kick to the nethers. I collapsed to the ground, whimpering. She was fuming, and looked ready to stomp my head in. I stood up, and looked her in the eyes. She was about to slap me; I could tell. She then let out a gasp, and looked awe-struck. I let out a laugh. Then, I realized, that she wasn’t looking at me anymore, but something behind me. I turned around, and saw the same ponies that the figurines were based off of. I heard a thump behind me, and turned to see the fan-girl had fainted. I looked back at the ponies. I was right; glorified fliers. They walked around like big stars, and quite a few ponies were trying to get them to sign autographs. I laughed at how many ponies over-reacted. I even saw Dash in the group surrounding them. I decided to see how many ponies I could get to hate me:

“Oi! Who are these ponies?” I yelled out. There were a few gasps of surprise, and Dash flew up to me.

“You don’t know who the Wonderbolts are?!” She yelled in my face. I gave a sly smirk.

“Well, from what I’ve heard; I can deduce that they are just glorified fliers, and don’t have much real skill.” I said. Once again; a few more surprised gasps, and a few growls of anger. One of the pegasi in the center of the group flew out with amazing speed, and landed in front of me, knocking me to the ground with a hoof. I grabbed my now bleeding muzzle, and looked up at the attacker. She was an orange mare, with wild orange hair. She was wearing goggles, and one of the Wonderbolt’s uniforms. I stood up. Dash was saying ‘oh my gosh’ pretty fast, and pretty often.

“Oi! Who the hell do you think you are?!” I yelled. I was fuming. The other mare gave a smirk, and punched me again. Again I fell. I got back up with a slowly swelling eye.

“I’m Spitfire, leader of the Wonderbolts.” She said. She said it like it was supposed to threaten me… it didn’t. I laughed in her face, making her give a confused look.

“As if that means anything to me!” I said, with some more loud laughs. A few ponies in the group were yelling ‘kick his flank, Spitfire!’ and ‘wipe the floor with him!’ I laughed at these remarks, as, I wasn’t scared of this Spitfire. Spitfire herself seemed pretty mad. I looked her in the… well… goggles, and got a mischievous idea to get back at her. I grabbed her goggles, stretched them back, and let go. They snapped back, and hit her face. She was knocked over in surprise. She shot into the air, and flew straight at me. My expression said ‘oh shit’ but in my mind I knew that I’d be hated. I didn’t care.

Another thought went into my mind: Why? Why did I do this to make ponies angry? Was it for the adrenaline? Or perhaps it was for the attention? I was never an attention hog, though.

My thoughts were cut short as the mare went into me, and knocked me onto my back. She sat on top of me, and put her hoof on my throat. A few of the fan-boys fainted at the sight, no doubt wishing it was them who had Spitfire on top of them. I couldn’t breathe. Her vise was sucking the air out of me. My vision swam. My back legs were kicking, trying to shake her off. Everything began to grow dark.

And then; I laughed. The grip lightened a bit, and my laugh was no longer a choking sound. I was laughing and wheezing. My vision began to come back, and I saw an expression of confusion on Spitfire’s face. She punched me with her free hoof, and I laughed more: I was enjoying every moment of this!

“What the hell? Do you get off to this, you sick freak?” She said, as she delivered another punch. I laughed again, and gave her a bloodied grin.

“Of course not!” I wheezed. Once again, she gave a confused expression. I pointed over at the group.

“You’re ruining your reputation right in front of your die-hard fans! No doubt they looked up to you, but, now!” I let out a few more laughs. She looked worriedly at her fans. A few of them said that they actually thought better of her for defending herself and her team. My smile faded, and hers grew wide. She looked back at me, and lifted up her goggles.

“So, what were you saying?” She asked sweetly. I spit a bit of blood onto the ground, and smiled again.

“I don’t care; I’ve taken worse beatings.” I said. She punched me again, and I laughed again. I put my hoof on hers before she could hit again. I used my other free hoof to grab the back of her head. I pushed her face close to mine, and put my mouth to her ear.

“I don’t care how much you hurt me; I’ll never let up on my opinion.” I whispered. I moved my head back to the ground, and got quite the idea to stump every one. I brought my face closer to hers. She smiled, and brought her muzzle to mine. Frankly; that wasn’t my idea. Mine was to just head-butt her. I had no clue this was going to happen. My eyes widened in surprise, and so did every fan’s. Even Rainbow Dash was surprised, and her mouth hung open. Was she drooling? Probably not. I looked back at Spitfire, who, seemed to really be enjoying it.

She pulled back, and gave me a wide smile. She stood up, went back to her group, and they all flew off. I lay there, on the ground, looking at the now distant figures of the Wonderbolts. I smiled, and stood up. I spit out some more blood, and looked slyly at the fan-boys who had regained consciousness.

“That, my friends, is how to win the heart of a Wonderbolt.” I said with a wink. I bunch of them crowded around me, asking what I’d whispered to her, and what my secrets were. Even a few of the fan-girls were asking as well. Rainbow Dash picked me up by the tail, and carried me onto the top of a roof.

“What the hell did you just do?!” She asked. I looked at her, and smiled.

“I haven’t a single f***ing clue.”