A Troublesome Life

The next day, I picked up on pranking with Pinkie. Even the pranked had a good laugh. I said goodbye to Pinkie around noon, and went on my merry f***in’ way. I walked around a bit. And saw a hobbling mare struggling to open a door to a candy shop. I was wondering what was wrong. I decided to help her out. It was odd for a mare her age to be hobbling, but, what do I know. As I got closer, I heard mumbling. She was saying things about a ‘Bon Bon’ something about a ‘f***ing door’ and ‘hinges’. I walked up behind her, and decided to ask the sacred question:

“What?” She looked at me a moment, and turned back to the door. That was rude, I thought. She used her magic to open the door, but she accidently used too much force, and launched the door fifty feet behind me.

As it turned out; it hit an un-suspecting Big Macintosh, knocking him out instantly.

A crazed mare that had an odd mane ran out, screaming at the green mare.

“Damn it, Lyra! That’s the fourth one today!” She yelled in a nasally voice.

“I can’t help it! I need you!” the ‘Lyra’ contested. I decided once more to ask the holiest, and most sacred of questions.

“What?” they turned to me. The one I can only assume to be ‘Bon Bon’ spoke up.

“Oh, are you a customer?” She asked, her voice different from the last time, it seemed to now be the voice of a sarcastic hipster. It seemed to have a hint of seductiveness in it… It didn’t work on me.

“No, but I could suck on your candy, if you like.” I said jokingly. Frankly; I didn’t mean anything of it, just a joke. Lyra, picked me up in her magic.

“She’s mine, ass hole.” She said angrily. Bon Bon leant in, and whispered something in Lyra’s ear. She dropped me from the green aura, and smiled at me. I looked up from my comfy spot on the hard road.

Meanwhile, across town, Big Macintosh regained consciousness, and began to act like a dog (perhaps it released inner feelings). He ran up to the school teacher, Cheerilee, and licked her.

My tail was enveloped in magic, and I was dragged into the store behind the two mares. As my back was being skinned, I couldn’t help but hear a mare’s voice ranting about a ‘great and powerful Trixie’. I was dragged into a back room, which looked like a small home.

“Fjord.” I said. I wasn’t sure why; but it seemed like no word I knew could explain the feeling I had right now. I was very, very fjord right now. I don’t even know what a ‘fjord’ is, or who it is. I was dragged onto a couch. I looked around the room. It seemed like a comfy little abode. I realized, that I had someone on top of me. I turned in time for Lyra to lick my eye. I decided to ask the most universally powerful word that one can use at anytime, in any dimension.

“What?!” Again, I feel very fjord. Lyra pouted.

“What? You don’t like it?” She asked, with bedroom eyes. I was utterly confounded. Her eyes closed, and she leaned in close. I put my hoof on her face to stop her movement. Her eyes opened. Then, seemingly out of f***in’ nowhere: a thought went through my mind like fire-works exploding in a box full of epileptic kittens. She was attempting to ride me. I raised the pressure in my fore-leg, causing the mare to fall off the couch. She landed on top of the one called Bon Bon. My lap seemed oddly wet.

“Thank you for the offer, but I must decline.” I said in the most gentlecolt-like voice I could muster. As I stood up, and began to trot, I felt my tail get pulled back. I fell onto my face, my flank in the air. I felt something against my rump. I turned to see Lyra on it. She had a hungry look in her eyes. I’m sure my eyes showed terror. She dragged me back into the room. The door closed, and I heard the sound that sealed my fate.

A dull click.

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The door opened, and I stumbled out, with two mares smiling and waving to me. I felt ashamed. I needed to take a shower…