Doctor Celestioak wore her most well-laundered white lab coat, on the day she gave Dash Ketchum her first pokemon. The young, rainbow-maned pegasus stared eagerly at the lab table with limpid violet eyes, and her liquid gaze darted between the three creatures which Doctor Celestioak had set before her.
The first was a yellow lizardy thing with a big red bow tied around its neck and a languidly smouldering tail that burned the air around her and scintillated with an unearthly light that sent shadows playing across the face and outstretched, quivering wings of the rainbow-maned pegasus trainer. "Applemander!" it squeaked.
The second was a white lizardy thing with a pink-and-purple shell like a turtle, and a friendly expression, and the fastest trainer in all of ponyville thought she ought to pick this one because something something turtles and awesomeness, you know. The second pokemmon took out a pair of inky black shades to cover its shining green orbs and trilled, "Squirtle Bell! Aww, yeah!"
With enough anticipation to kill a horse, Dash Ketchum turned her rapt attention on the third and final pokeman, an orange lizardy thing with vestigial wings and sad, tearful purple globes that stared at the blue pegasister with a needful, longing gaze that caused the new trainer's heart to ache in a way she'd never known since her friend Misty Pie abandoned her to the timberwolves as a young filly—or a younger filly, anwyay, since Dash Ketchum is only 12 in this story, so this all happened a long time ago. The orangey lizard thing fluttered her long, luxuriant lashes at the pegasus she hoped would be her new master, and whimpered, "Scootasaur!"
"I don't know, professor." said the blue-winged wonderbolt wannabe.
"YOU UNGRATEFUL HARLOT!" replied the pony in the lab coat. "BUT OF COURSE I HAVE ONE MORE AND YOU CAN HAVE HIM IF YOU WANT, BUT NEVER DARKEN MY DOORSTEP AGAIN YOU FILTY BLUE PEGASUS, I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU AND YOUR DUMB QUEST TO WHATEVER POKOMAN TRAINERS DO THING!" Her horn flared an mysterious golden color, and a red-and-white orb wizzed across the room toward her,spinning in a tighter and tighter cirlces until she screamed!
"SPIKACHU, I CHOOSE YOU!"
The red-and-white ball hit the ground and exploded in a flash of incandescent light that made Dash Ketchum shy back like a frightened horse, and when the smoke cleared a yellow dragon sat on the ground glaring at the doctor with angry green portals. "What the everloving fuck!?" he asked placidly. "WHo the fucking hell put me in a stupid ball thing! Itts cramped and now my damn tail is all fucked up, and... GODDAMNIT CeLESTIOAK!"
The new rainbow-tailed trainer took one look at the little yellow dragon and her heart and wings fluttered in excitement, lifting her six feet off the floor of the immaculately clean lab of Mrs. Celoakstia's home. "Omigosh, omigosh, omigosh, he's perfect, professor! Can I keep him?" Dask dashed forward and hugged her hooves around the shy little dragon, and lilac arcs of electricity began cascading over his skin.
"Oh fffUCK!" he stated, writing in pain from the bolts of lilac power. "Damn you, Celestialk. What the hell!? This is so fucked up!?"
“YOU FILTHY HORE, OF COURSE YOU CAN KEEP HIM. GOD I HATE YOU, DASH KATCHUM. GET OUT OF MY LAB BEFORE I CALL SECURITY.”
At just that moment, another pegasus pony burst through the door. It was Flutter Oak, the doctor’s niece. And, like, Fluttershy’s a tree, so there’s that too. “Dash Katchum! You can never be the best trainer in all of equestria because I WILL BEAT YOU THERE! If that’s, um, all right with you.”
Rainbow looked at the new arrival with limpid eyes filled with magenta shock. “Flutter Oka? But I thought we were friends.”
“Not anymore, because this is how the game goes, you silly goose!” replied Flutter Oak equanimimously.
“I guess...” implied the wonderbolt-loving trainer.
“Well then, I choose you, Scootasaur!” ejaculated Flutter Oak, because grass pokaman are strong against electric attacks.
“YOU HAVE CHOSEN WISELY, MY WISE NEICE,” said the doctor in the white lab coat.
Scootasaur’s huge round orbs of amethyst cried wet tears of love, and she fluttered her useless wings as she ran to hug her new, pink-maned trainer. “Scoooooot!” she yelled!
“NOW LEAVE MY HOME YOU OBNOXIOUS PROSTITUTE,” suggested Princess Celestioak.
And that’s how Dash Ketchum met Spikachu.
Author's Note
Written as a submission for BronyCon's "Hoof of Argon" badfic competition.
If it wasn't already apparent.
Dash Ketchum slunk through the tall, wavy grass of the fields outside of Ponyville with her new pokomen Spikachu at her side. Her eyes were limpid burgundy orbs of feirce passion and hot-bloodedness, because she was going to be the best ~~wonderbolt~~ trainer that there ever was, and to catch them all was her true cause. And there, inf ront of her was a new pokeman she could catch.
It was a pingey!
The rainbow-haired pegasus trainer launched a pokeman-catching ball at the little creature, and for a moment, part of her heart regretted her actions because all creatures should be free, especially the cute ones like birds, but she hardened her heart against that sort of thinking and threw anyway, and the ball sallied through the air and hit...
A SPEAROW!
“Aww, fuck! What are you, a fool!?” asked Spikachu. “I thought you could throw better than that, you pansy-ass dickbacg.”
“Hush, Spikachu! I don’t think the pidgey saw us, so maybe we can try again,” ejaculated the blue-winged pokemon master. But the spearow had other ideas! It sqwacked a mighty squack and jumped into the sky, spotting Dash Ketchum in a heart beat. It quacked again, and this time Spikachu got scared.
“Oh shit. Shit shit shit. You fucking moron, Rainbow. It has friends, and it’s a damn sight higher level than you, you stupid pegasus.” Because Spikachu could speak the language of the pokemans, and he understood what Spearow had sqwacked. “Now it’s going to fuicking kill us!!” He said.
“Ohmigosh, run! cried the purple-eyes mare, and she suited her words to action, leaping into the air and running for the cover of a nearby corpse of trees. Spikacho ran behind her, his little legs pumping like the pistons of some great and terrible machine. But they were too slow! The Spearow overtook them and pecked at Dash Katchum’s ear as it flew past them. Then another spearow overran them and pecked at the hornless pegasus’s flank, where her cutie mark showed a rainbow lightling bolt for her awesomeness – in exactly the same shape as the Canterlot Gym Badge she’d coveted ever since she was a filly and she first learned the ways of the pokemon masters. The gym was the best and strongest of all the gyms, and it was ruled over by the terrible Applebrock, a fierce and fiery tyrant whose pokemans were the best in all Equestria, or that was what Dash Ketchum’s mom, Mrs. Ketchum always said.
“Why the hell did you have to fuck witht he spearow tribe, Dash! Damn!” Spikachu was bruised all over now, and the trees were still a long ways away. Dash pulled up and waited for a moment, and Spikachu caught up with her, and she threw the yellow dragon lizard on her back with a whump. Lilac bolts of power coruscated over his soft flesh, and he writed in pain, but now the rainbow-tailed trainer could go faster, and she did. Still, the spearows kept attacking them like giant birds pecking as they flew by.
But up ahead, a mysterious figure galloped out of the woods and threw a bomb at the spearows, and they got scared and flew away. “Hey there, Dash Ketchum! It looks like you need some help!” The new arrival laughed deeply.
“Misty Pie! What are you doing hear!?” Dash Ketchum pulled to a stop, staring at her old friend with worried orbs of lavender lucidity.
