Princess Twilight Sparkle's 500th Birthday

Chapters

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Epilogue

Chapter 1

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”

Princess Twilight Sparkle woke with a start, slamming her horn into the solid gold headboard of her royal bed, punching a perfectly spiraled hole through it and into the wall beyond.

“Holy freaking horseapples!” she bellowed in agony as a pain unlike any she’d ever felt before surged from tip to tail. Seconds passed like hours in the haze that followed.

Pawing at the headboard, she came to the miserable realization that she was stuck. This discovery, coupled with her throbbing horn, brought two distinct thoughts to mind. The first was that she now knew why Cadence had no headboard for the heart-shaped bed in the middle of her royal bed chamber. The second was that if she died with her horn stuck like this, she’d never hear the end of it.

Still not entirely conscious, she flapped her wings in a pitiable attempt to fly away from pain. So when she did manage to pull free of the headboard, she inadvertently flung herself beyond the foot of the bed and onto the floor with a resounding thud. Prone and on the ground in a painful heap of limbs, wings, fabric, and feathers, she thanked her starry flank that she was alone.

Being an immortal Princess definitely had its perks, but it made one wary of being the subject of gossip. She’d still hear the occasional rumor about her supposed scandalous sock collection, even though it wasn’t remotely true. Twilight remembered that particular tall tale being attributed to Luna long, long ago.

She frowned to herself and remembered something Cadence once told her. Sticks and stones won’t break your bones, but words can hurt forever. Why, if anypony saw her now sprawled out the floor, she’d probably die of embarassme—

“Oh my goodness,” squeaked a terrified voice, “I’m so so so sorry, Princess, are you okay?!”

Her Eternal Royal Highness Princess Twilight Sparkle, Goddess of Magic, Secretary General of the Senate, and the Once-And-Future Librarian of the Golden Oak’s Library in Ponyville, heaved a sigh. Of course she wasn’t alone. Thinking back on it, she wouldn’t scream ‘happy birthday’ at herself in the middle of the night, now would she?

No, probably not.

As the ringing in her horn subsided, the world around her came into focus. She looked up at her would-be assassin, a familiar light-brown filly, fidgeting nearby. The earth pony’s golden eyes brimmed with tears and burrowed into her own, begging for forgiveness and adoration in equal measure.

Forgotten on the floor to the right of the small filly, there was a crumpled cake with purple icing. In big red letters, it read:

Happy 500th Birthday
Princess Twilight Spa

Fighting off another sigh and blinking away the last of the stars from her eyes, she put on one of her many practiced smiles. A smile that said I am calm, alert, and not-at-all angry was a good one to start with. With a poof and a flash Twilight was no longer a smarting pile of purple horse, but a majestic princess, resting on a large pillow in her bed chamber. Indeed, if it weren’t for her sun-and-moon print pajamas, she’d be the very definition of royalty.

A brush, bound in magic, combed through her shimmering mane while other objects in the room around them began to glow and spontaneously organize. Her fireplace roared to life and the pre-dawn chill trickled out of the room. Still smiling, she turned her attention back to her prized pupil.

“Good morning, Smarty Pants. I’m fine, thank you for asking.” Feigning ignorance, she continued, “What brings my most faithful student into my royal bed chamber so early this morning?”

Hearing her voice, the earthpony grinned fiercely and stood a bit straighter. Her wavy red hair bobbed in place as she took a deep breath. If there was any fear in Smarty Pants, it melted away as soon as Twilight had spoken to her. It was a charming change of pace, really, when contrasted with the way other ponies tend to cower when addressed by royalty.

“Oh, right! Well, I couldn’t sleep. So I broke into the Royal Library. Again.”

Twilight noticed that her student had the good graces to appear regretful at the admission. But the sly smile on the Princess’ face told Smarty Pants that she was no stranger to the game, herself. Smarty Pants cleared her throat before continuing.

“I found a book titled Antediluvian National Holidays and You, Volume 2 by a pony named Word Count.“

With a flicker of recognition, Twilight remembered Word Count. He had lived some three hundred and fifty years ago. Wordie was a good research assistant, but his writing was loquacious to a fault. Snapping out of her brief tangent, she pressed further. “And my birthdate was in the book?”

“Oh no, Princess. I fell asleep half way through reading it!” She grinned matter-of-factly.

“I see. Well then, how did you learn it was my birthday?”

“Princess Cadence told me!”

“Oh she did, did she?” Et tu, Heartbutt?

“Yes! She found me sleeping in the library and brought me a cup of hot chocolate and a blanket! She’s super nice. We started talking about holidays and she told me that it was just a few hours until your 500th birthday, and that it would be absolutely lovely if I was the first pony to wish you a happy birthday tomorrow! Er… I guess today now. She told me last night that it was tomorrow and that means it’s today and—”

Smarty Pants chugged along on her train of thought, and Twilight craned her head to look out her balcony at the Sun Tower across the courtyard below. When her eyes found the lit balcony at the top, its lights winked out.

“—cided that I just had to get you a present, but I’m broke so I told Princess Cadence ‘Princess Cadence, I’m broke!’ and she said I could make you something and that she would help me and that you love cake! She even said that half of you was made out of cake, but I think that’s silly. Don’t you think that’s silly? How would that even work?”

Oh, Cadence. You do realize this means war, don't you? thought the purple Princess.

Twilight looked back to Smarty Pants and watched as she rambled on. She noticed how the little filly’s tail would swish left or right with each inflection. With a smile, Twilight wondered if she was like this when she was her age.

“We burned the first cake and the second one came to life! Princess Cadence had to banish it to the walk-in freezer. But we finished one just after midnight! I did the lettering myself but I ran out of space. Princess Cadence said it was ok.”

Smarty Pants took a deep breath and looked at her mentor with a hopeful smile and the Princess gave her silent appraisal with a nod.

“I wanted to give it to you right away and Princess Cadence said she’d teleport me to your room. It was so exciting because I haven’t teleported with a cake into a royal bedroom before, and when I saw you, I was even more excited! I-I’m very sorry that I woke you up, Princess. But look! We have cake now, we—”

The sudden vacuum of silence that followed when Smarty Pants discovered the sorry state of her cake was heart breaking. Her student's eyes began to shimmer, as tears threatened once again. With a tiny thump, her rump fell to the floor. Smarty Pants whimpered.

Twilight giggled briefly as she scooped Smarty Pants into an embrace with her left wing, and softly nickered. “There, there, My Little Pony. I am very grateful for the cake, and it’s not ruined. See? Good as new.”

As she spoke, a magical aura wrapped itself around the cake, levitating it off the ground. Twilight willed it towards her ancient writing desk by the balcony. And as it floated across the room, it carefully knit itself back together.

Smarty Pants sniffled gratefully and dried her tears on her mentor’s soft coat. “Thanks. I-I guess I dropped it when you… Fell out of bed.”

Momentarily flustered by the comment, Twilight cleared her throat. “Yes! Well, enough about that. Let’s have some cake, hmm? I don’t usually have cake for breakfast and I don’t usually have breakfast at two in the morning but let’s make this a one-time exception, okay?”

Smarty Pants nodded happily and let out a big yawn as she walked with her teacher to the writing desk. Two place settings, a glass of warm milk, a cup of hot tea, and a pair of comfortable pillows appeared at the desk with a quiet pop. They made themselves comfortable and fell into a pleasant conversation, chatting about this, that, and the other thing as they enjoyed their meal around the timeworn desk.

Taking a sip of tea, Twilight sighed contently to herself. It was two in the morning, the Princess and her pupil were eating cake, and the world outside was silent and still. It felt wonderful. It felt like home.

Chapter 2

As the two ponies talked at her writing desk, Princess Twilight couldn’t help but think of her former mentor, Princess Celestia. How Celestia was flawlessly consistent and consistently flawless in all things. How did she do it? Twilight had no idea. She never got the chance to ask.

Was it all an act? Did she have everypony fooled? Who could truly be that serene? That calm? Not Twilight. Yesterday she yelled at a bowl of soup because it burned her tongue. She looked at Smarty Pants, her young pupil, and felt something stir in her heart.

What if it was an act? What if all Celestia needed was the right reason to be the best Princess ever? Twilight sat up a bit straighter and put on a calm face; the regal mask worn by her betters.

Smarty Pants was a wonderful student, and she deserved the perfect teacher. Princess Twilight would be that perfect teacher.

Smarty Pants thought that Princess Twilight was the perfect teacher. After all, she learned all kinds of neat things from her. Just tonight she learned what a horseapple was and that it’s very silly and super gross.

She also learned that the Princess liked to be asleep at two in the morning, which made Smarty Pants feel that much closer to the Princess, because she liked being asleep at two, too! Especially in a tutu with her stuffed cow, Moo-Moo.

She also also learned that the Princess didn’t have any gum in her writing desk tonight but that was okay, and she wouldn’t be sad because they had cake. It was chocolate.

Princess Twilight was a wonderful teacher, and she deserved the perfect student. Smarty Pants would be the best most perfectest student. But first she would eat cake.

Princess Twilight Sparkle hadn't seen anypony eat cake with this much enthusiasm since a certain pink pony over 400 years ago. It was fitting, really. But it was also very silly, and that made it difficult for Twilight to focus on being serene.

After Smarty Pants demolished a third piece of cake, Twilight cleared her throat and smiled modestly to her apprentice.

“I think that’s quite enough cake for now, don’t you Smarty Pants?”

Smarty Pants froze on the spot, cakey face and all. Had she done something wrong?

“Oh... Yes Princess.” In a whisper, she added “Sorry.”

Twilight winced on the inside, but her outward expression stayed the same. She didn’t want to upset the filly, but they couldn’t have a proper Princess/Protégé conversation if the latter was cramming her face full of cake, right?

Smarty Pants picked up her tiny glass of milk and drank it slowly, but she finished the glass before putting it down. When it was back down on the desk, it faded out of existence and a fresh one, full of milk, appeared in its place. Smarty Pants grinned as she wrapped it up in her hooves before slugging it back, and slapped the empty glass back down on the desk.

Twilight almost smirked, but she didn’t. She kept her regal cool. She decided she would head this little game off at the pass by bringing out the big guns.

The little pony stared at the empty glass, expecting it to vanish and for a third to appear. Instead a ceramic jug popped into existence on the desk in it's place. It was almost as big as she was. Smarty Pants giggled in delight and spun around in a tight circle. Then, much to the Princess’ surprise, the earth pony picked it up off the desk and set it on the floor in front of her.

Further confusing Her Royal Highness, Smarty Pants then walked over and wrestled Twilight’s cup of tea out of her magical grip and placed it on the floor. The silly filly stood there looking at the little tea cup.

She pointed a hoof at it and frowned. “Can you make this bigger? This needs to be bigger. It needs to be as big as mine.”

The Princess said nothing, but she nodded as serenely as possible as she watched Smarty Pants march back to her pillow behind the milk jug. When she sat down, there were now two large ceramic jugs on the floor. One filled with hot tea. One filled with cold milk.

Staring at her milk jug, Smarty Pants rolled her shoulders and began rocking back and forth.

“On your mark,” she whispered.

“Get set,” she said.

“Go!” she shouted.

Smarty Pants dunked her head into the jar’s wide opening and the little filly started drinking as fast as she could. Milk splashed everywhere and Princess Twilight balked.

Her seven-year-old wunderkind had just challenged her to a drinking contest at three in the morning on her birthday. That just happened. She should have seen it coming. After all, competitiveness came just as naturally to her as her enthusiasm for baked goods. Genetics was a funny thing.

NO. No funny. What happened to serene? Calm? Being the Perfect Pri— Oh, if only Smarty Pants knew about Twilight’s trip to Los Pegasus on her 121st birthday. Wait, scratch that. She wished she didn’t know about her trip to Los Pegasus on her 121st birthday. To this day, just hearing the word tequila still made her feel ill.

Smarty Pants swallowed another gulp as she passed the three-quarters point, and her head sank lower into the jug. The Princess sat up a bit straighter. If she was going to do this, she was going to do this right. The color in her student’s cheeks began to pale as she drank her way to the container’s middle.

When Smarty Pants reached the halfway point, the jug of tea disappeared in a startling flash and a dusty barrel three times its size appeared in its place. Bathed in purple light, the lid floated off the barrel and came to rest on the floor. On it, Smarty Pants saw that its faded logo was a trio of red apples.

Dumbfounded, the little filly pulled her head out of her jug, momentarily forgetting the race. She hopped up to peek over the barrel’s top and saw that it was filled with a translucent golden liquid. The same color as her eyes.

“What is that, Princess? It smells like apples and cinnamon and spices and dust and wood and I don’t know why but when I smell it, it smells like family which is strange because I don’t even know what this is, and I never had it before and don’t remember my parents having it before and I just can’t place it but it smells super nice.”

Princess Twilight Sparkle said nothing. She wore a mask of practiced indifference and watched Smarty Pants carefully. Her student stood there with her mouth wide open, staring back at the Princess as milk dripped from her chin.

Then, Smarty Pants sat down and blinked.

At that exact moment, she heard a splash and when she opened her eyes again she saw the Princess, her Princess, had dunked most of her head into the barrel. Only her horn and ears stuck out. Startled by a guzzling sound she couldn’t place, understanding dawned on the little pony when she saw the liquid in the barrel start to recede around the Princess’s head.

Smarty Pants let out a gasp and furrowed her brow. “Hay! No fair, I wasn’t ready!” she grumbled adorably as the jug in her hooves shot up to her snout and she started drinking with reckless abandon.

The race was on.

Time seemed to slow for Smarty Pants as she drank. Glaring into the jug as she raised it up, she tilted her head back at the same time to get a boost from gravity. She wouldn’t take her eyes off the prize. She had to win. As she passed the one-quarter mark she heard the scraping of hooves on wood and chanced a peek at her competition. What she saw then, she’d never forget for the rest of her days.

The Goddess of Magic, in her baggy sun-and-moon print pajamas, was standing on her hindlegs with her wings outstretched. Her left foreleg was extended behind her with her hoof propped up on the writing desk for stability. With her other hoof, she effortlessly held the massive barrel to her lips. With every gulp, the barrel and her head rose slightly higher.

Smarty Pants rose to the challenge and stood up on her hindlegs, wobbling a bit. Their eyes met and Twilight waggled her eyebrows at Smarty Pants, who gazed back with steely determination. As much steely determination as a filly can muster while drinking milk from a jug. In point of fact, this was quite a lot of steely determination.

The last of the milk passed her lips and Smarty Pants went wide-eyed with realization. With a twist of her hips, she turned and slammed the empty jug down on the writing desk with all of her tiny earthpony strength.

“I WIN!” the little pony shouted.

She twisted again to face her teacher, but she heard the jug wobble and fall over. She looked back to stand it up again, but what she saw made her sink to the floor in shame.

When she got there, she whimpered, “Oh no.”

The top of the ancient writing desk had a new addition. It was a circular divot; half a foot in diameter and roughly a quarter-inch deep.

Some perfect student she turned out to be. Smarty Pants knew this was Princess Twilight’s favorite desk in the whole wide world. She also knew that sometimes there was gum in the top left drawer, and that the Princess would always share a piece with her if she had any. She also also knew that the underside of the top left drawer had a neat carving that said:

LULU RULES, #1

She especially liked that when she showed it to Princess Twilight two weeks ago, who laughed until she got the hiccups. She also also also knew that she just broke it.

What Smarty Pants didn’t know was that the desk was a priceless national treasure. It was the crucible upon which first drafts of the Magna Cantor, The Gryphon-Pony Peace Accord, and the Equestrian Constitution were all forged. Most importantly, it was a gift to Twilight Sparkle, the unicorn, when she moved to Ponyville to be a Librarian. A gift from a certain Perfect Princess.

Smarty Pants looked at Princess Twilight with fear in her eyes, and Twilight Sparkle looked back at her student. She said nothing. She couldn’t. She was too busy trying not to laugh.

Twilight had stopped racing back when she saw the look of steely determination in her pupil’s eyes. She recognized that look from long ago. In her own little ways, it was amazing how similar Smarty Pants was to all three of the girls. When Twilight lost herself in recollection, she also lost the race.

She struggled to keep her mask of serenity. Carefully, with both forelegs, she lowered her barrel of cider to the ground. It faded out of existence with the discarded lid. She sat down on her pillow and fluttered her wings to their resting position. Calmness returned.

She turned her attention back to Smarty Pants. But when she saw her pupil again, her mask shattered in alarm.

Smarty Pant was standing on all fours, her legs outstretched at wide angles. She took painfully short breaths and swung her head left and right. The panic in her eyes was as plain as day.

Twilight’s ears pinned themselves back. “Smarty, what’s wrong?”

No answer. Twilight knelt down on her forelegs in front of her troubled student and leaned closer. She tried again. “Smarty Pants, it’ll be okay. I can fix the desk just like I fixed the cake.”

Smarty Pants said nothing. Instead her eyes went wide and she stared at the Princess. Her knees began to shake and her tail twitched.

Twilight leaned closer, their faces almost touched. She tried desperately to identify what was wrong. She contemplated teleporting in the royal doctor, but it was three in the morning and he was getting up there in age. She didn’t want to kill the cranky old mule. Plus there was the emotional trauma that might cause to Smar—

A low gurgle rumbled through the little filly’s stomach, and Twilight’s eyes widened. She knew what it was. She knew what it was, and it was too late to do anything about it.

A tremendous belch, like the sound of a thrice-damned soul, issued from Smarty Pants. Twilight’s eyes watered just from the sound of it, not to mention the smell. Please, let’s not mention the smell. Bits of cake and spittle peppered her face and her hair billowed in the unnatural wind.

The earth pony’s front legs lifted off the ground and she stood up, propelled by equal parts shock and demonic gale. The burp would not stop. In a moment of blind panic, Twilight feared that the foul venting would never end. What would they do with an eternally belching pony? It had to have been seven years since the last catastrophe. Surely they were due for a dooz—

And just like that, it was over.

The Burp That Time Forgot was suddenly remembered. And time weren’t doing with no eternal burp, no ma’am.

“Bleh.” sighed Twilight, as she collapsed to the floor, glad the ordeal was over.

“Eep!” said Smarty Pants, as time’s two best friends -gravity and spite- remembered that she was precariously perched on her backlegs. She fell forward, and landed across the Princess.

Princess Twilight Sparkle was sprawled on the floor of her royal bedchamber for the second time that night. Morning. Whatever. Last time she groaned in pain. This time she howled with laughter. She couldn’t keep it in. She tried, Celestia knows, she tried. But the dam broke and it felt good.

She laughed hard and loud. It was in no way whatsoever Princess-like at all. It was not high like a bell or the tinkling of chimes. It was raucous. Her face hurt, her diaphragm hurt, and her eyes burned with tears. Also she was covered in bits of soggy cake and half-digested milk.

As she laughed she heard Smarty Pants, still sprawled across her neck, laughing too.

At first Smarty Pants had no idea what to think. Why was the Princess laughing now when she wasn’t laughing earlier? Why did she have that fake smile on before? Did she have to use the potty?

But as she listened to the laughter, she found all her cares melt away. She didn’t need to worry about the writing desk. She didn’t need to worry about her parents. She didn’t need to worry the Princess having to potty. She just had to laugh.

She giggled as she tried to stand up. The giggles grew into guffaws. And the guffaws grew into belly laughs that shook the tiny filly to her very center.

She felt better after burping and laughing. She wanted to be the perfect student now. She just hadn’t figured out what a perfect student was supposed to do.

Did it involve eating cake and drinking contests and burping? Because if it did then maybe she already was the best most perfectest student!

Her heart soared at the revelation. She felt like she was flying. Or was that falling? Nope, it was definitely falling.

From the corner of her eye, Twilight watched her protégé stumble and plant her muzzle into the floor hard enough that her momentum carried her forward until she flipped over and landed on her back. Smarty Pants was giggling and staring at the ceiling when the Princess addressed her.

“I’m sorry, Smarty Pants.”

Smarty Pants’ eyes went wide and her laughter stopped. She had never had a Princess apologize to her before. She was terrified. “W-why are you sorry?”

“Because I wanted to be perfect for you, and I’m not. I wanted you to have the Princess I had. She always knew what to do and what to say. She never got angry. She never yelled. She… Never would have entered into a drinking contest against a seven year old,” admitted Twilight with a sigh.

“But I don’t want that Princess.”

Smarty Pants rolled her head up to look back at the older pony.

“I want my Princess.”

Twilight felt tears pool in her eyes. Was it really that simple all along? She realized she’d never be Princess Celestia, and that was okay. She was Princess Twilight Sparkle. And to this wonderful pony that made all the difference in the world. Why did it take her 500 years to figure this lesson out?

“Oh my goodness, your face!” Smarty Pants let out a peal of laughter, squeezed her eyes closed, and kicked her back legs against the floor over and over again.

Confused, Twilight felt at her wet face and looked around the room for a towel. She caught her reflection in the mirror over the fireplace and she wished she hadn’t. She was a great sopping mess.

Her mane clung to her face and neck and a red birthday candle was stuck to her right cheek. Okay, the cake didn’t come with candles, so... Yeah, no. Not thinking about it. In addition, her favorite pair of sun-and-moon pajamas was now her only pair of sun-and-moon-and-cake pajamas. Stars alive, did this child even know how to chew her food? Bury it, Sparkle. Bury it deep.

Smarty Pants watched the Princess close her eyes and raise a forehoof to her chest. After a moment she extended it in front of her and let out a breath. She looked much happier now, which made Smarty Pants smile.

Twilight looked at Smarty Pants and flinched. Fluttershy would have had a minor panic attack if she saw Smarty Pants this messy at three in the morning.

“Smarty Pants, you have cake on your… Everything. This won’t do at all, will it?”

“Oh no, Your Majesty,” giggled the silly filly.

Twilight Sparkle grabbed Smarty Pants up off the floor with her wings and wrapped her into a big hug. It was a nice hug. It meant a lot. It said a lot. It said things like “You are my favorite,” and “Thank you for making me laugh,” and “If you ever burp on me again I will end you.”

It was nice.

The Princess put her down and walked towards her private washroom, “Very well. Come along, little one.”

“Coming, Your Majesty!” and Smarty Pants trotted after her favorite pony in the whole wide world.

Chapter 3

It was well past three in the morning when Smarty Pants took a running leap into her bubble bath. She hit the soapy water with a splash, and sighed happily as she sank into its warm embrace. Smart Pants loved bubble baths. They were nice. They were super-duper nice with a song.

She closed her eyes and listened as Princess Twilight sang in the private washroom's shower. It was the kind of song a pony would sing when they had a little too much happy inside them and the extra had to come out. She'd only heard the Princess sing once before during a lesson in the royal gardens, when Smarty Pants asked if she knew the names of the all plants. Whoever thought that Leptecophylla juniperina could so sound pretty?

Her head bumped up against the edge of the tub and she heard a small squeak. Smarty Pants loved bubble baths, but Moo-Moo was crazy about them. She fished the little stuffed cow out of her mane and splashed it down beside her. When the tiny tidal wave subsided, Moo-Moo had a bubble beard and that gave the silly little filly an idea.

Twilight stepped out of the shower and did some quick math. It turned out that three in the morning, plus a seven-year-old, plus half a chocolate cake, multiplied by a bubble bath, equaled one big ol' mess. There was water everywhere. Well, almost everywhere. The bathtub itself didn’t seem to have any water in it. Just bubbles.

She watched as an empty bottle of her extravagant new mane conditioner floated across the tidal flats of her washroom floor. It was a gift from the King of Saddle Arabia and its active ingredient was a plant that only bloomed in a single oasis once every hundred years. In large quantities, it was apparently excellent as a bubble bath substitute.

A great mound of bubbles rose up and a tiny pony clambered over the side of the tub. With a wet thud she landed on her rump, but her oversized headdress made of expensive bubbles stayed firmly in place. Smarty Pants scrambled to her hooves before she addressed her audience.

"I am the Queen of Prance!” she declared.

Twilight bowed, as only a Princess could, and the little pony tittered as she spun in place, leaving a wake through the standing water on the floor. Oh Right, thought Twilight, the water.

Princess Twilight stood up and began walking over to her vanity. With each step a purple ripple raced across the face of the water, and with each ripple the water level receded. By the time she was seated in front of her mirror the bathroom was bone dry.

Then, every bubble in the bathroom vanished with a single purple pop and the newly clean Smarty Pants trotted over to her booster seat at the vanity.

Smarty Pants giggled as she combed her hair. Twilight recognized that giggle. It was a sign that her poor pupil was in that beyond-tired state that made children stumble around like tiny adorable drunks. She was going to have to get her to bed before too much longer.

The Goddess of Magic brushed her hair and stifled a yawn. She looked at the hourglass on the vanity and winced. It was now four in the morning.

She had so many plans for her 500th birthday. Plans meticulously laid out in a list she finished weeks ago. She wanted to watch the sunrise from the top of Canterhorn mountain. She wanted to visit Valorhold and check in on her number-one assistant. There was also her invitation from the Crystal Empress for an all-expenses-paid visit to her royal spa. Pity, it would’ve been nice to catch up with Rarity without there being some kind of end-of-the-world scenario at play.

But now it was too late. Or was it too early? Regardless, she’d have to cancel. She needed sleep and that wasn’t something she could just magic up. With a sigh, she resigned herself to her fate, telling herself that There was always next year.

Smarty Pants sat in her booster seat at the vanity next to Princess Twilight and brushed her mane. Her mane felt soft and looked sparkly and smelled like flowers and spice. It made her giggle. That glass bottle of bubble bath was the best thing ever.

She watched Princess Twilight comb her hair with a big golden brush. It was floating around with magic. Smarty Pants heard a noise and turned to watch the bedchamber beyond clean and rearrange itself at the same time. There was lots of her pretty purple floaty magic tonight. Smarty Pants looked at the brush in her own little hooves and felt an icky feeling. She was worried.

She had a question that she wanted to ask. Well, it was more like she had to ask but she was afraid to ask because maybe the Princess would send her away or worse the Princess might hate her if she found out!

“Please don’t hate me!” yelled the little filly, suddenly.

The brush that Twilight was levitating above her head fell and smacked her on the back of her poor battered horn before blinking out of existence. She wasn’t sure where she banished the awful thing, but it wasn’t a danger to her horn anymore.

She looked down at the little blurry brown blob to her left. It was either Smarty Pants or the hamper. Whatever it was, it looked like it needed comforting.

“Smway Puwha...” Twilight shook the static from her head and tried again. “Smarty Pants, why would I hate you?”

Smarty Pants sat in her booster seat and stroked her wavy tail, her face hidden behind her newly combed and sparkly mane.

“Y-You’re a Princess.”

“Yes I am.”

“And you’re a Goddess.”

“Well I don’t like to brag, but—“

“Of Magic.”

“Ah.”

Calmly, Twilight stood up and left the washroom. She scooped Smarty Pants up in her magic and floated her onto the newly relocated bed. It now sat in middle of her royal bed chamber without a headboard.

Twilight sat on the floor next to the bed. She brought her head down on the comforter with a pillow under her chin. She gave Smarty Pants a wink, who grinned to see the Princess sit in such a silly way. They sat in silence as each one waited for the other to say something. The seven-year-old wasn’t as good at waiting as the five-hundred-year-old.

“I’m an earth pony,” she said with some disgust, “Why pick me when I’ll never be able to use magic? Won’t I just… Let you down?” Smarty Pants once again hid behind her mane and squeezed Moo-Moo until the little cow squeaked.

“Oh, Smarty Pants. I’ve taught many ponies over many centuries. It’s not a decision I’ve ever made lightly. In fact I—“

“Have you ever had an earth pony as your student before?”

Twilight smiled. “No Smarty, I haven’t. You are the very first. But I picked you for a good reason. Three good reasons, in fact. I made a list. Would you like to see it?”

Smarty Pants peeked out from behind her mane with a small smile on her face. She loved the Princess’ lists. They were always so meticulous and organized and neatly written and sometimes they had bullet points and checkboxes and—

“Oh yes, Your Majesty.”

An end table galloped over from across the room and a drawer shot open. The Princess reached in with her muzzle and pulled the list out with her teeth. She put it down on the bed and thanked the end table. It bowed politely.

“Ok let’s see here," she said before clearing her voice to continue, "Three Very Good Reasons Why The Earth Pony Smarty Pants Should Be My Personal Protégé”

“Yes, well...” Twilight smiled shyly at Smarty Pants before continuing. “The first reason is rather personal. It’s a secret very few ponies know about. Can I trust you to keep it a secret too?”

“Oh yes, Your Majesty!” exclaimed Smarty Pants as she nodded emphatically because she thought she was very trustworthy.

“You don’t have many friends, do you Smarty Pants?”

The filly curled into a small ball and whimpered.

Twilight grimaced. Smooth, Sparkle.

Acting quickly to undo the hurt she inadvertently caused, she continued. “Did you know that when I was your age I didn’t have many friends either?”

The earth pony whispered a question from behind her mane, “You didn’t?”

“No. In fact I had just the three. My Big Brother Best Friend Forever, Shining Armor. My baby dragon assistant, Spike an-"

"You had a baby dragon assistant?" asked the bewildered filly, poking her head out from behind her tail.

Twilight nodded, before finishing, "And my last friend was a wonderful little doll. A little doll named Smarty Pants.”

The Princess watched as Smarty Pants the pony slowly pulled herself out of her cocoon.

“Really?” she asked, looking up at her mentor.

“Really.”

“Really, truly?”

“Really truly.”

“Oh my goodness, Oh my goodness! That is the most amazing most super nice most funderful thing I have ever heard! You had a doll named Smarty Pants and Smarty Pants is my name! Princess! We have the same name! Not you and I, but Smarty Pants and I have the same name! Was Smarty Pants a good dancer like Moo-Moo? Was she an earth pony? Did she like bubble baths?”

Smarty Pants, the pony, gasped for air, “Was she a beautiful earth pony Princess who liked to read books and eat cake and take bubble baths?!”

She wiggled with excitement and her tail twitched this way and that. For a brief moment, she was in danger of falling off the bed, but Twilight scooped her up in her magic.

“Whoa there, missy. Why don’t you make yourself comfortable and I’ll tell you all about the first Smarty Pants.”

Smarty Pants ran over to the far edge of the bed and grabbed the blanket with her teeth. Then she rolled over and over until she was on the Princess’s side of the bed. Twilight watched as her student worked her way out of her comfy prison.

As soon as her head was free, she shouted “I’m a burrito!” with her eyes lolling about in her head.

“Are you comfortable?” Asked the Princess.

Smarty Pants yawned and nodded in reply.

Twilight gave a small nod of approval before she continued, “So like I was saying, I had a wonderful little doll named Smarty Pants and I loved her very much. She and I would go to the library and study together. She was a donkey and—“

“Just as good!”

“She had her own notepad and quill to help me with my homework. She was my best friend for years, and I never would have finished school without her help. When I learned your name that day in Farrington, I just knew you would be special to me."

"Princess Twilight?”

“Yes, Smarty Pants?”

“That’s a silly reason.”

“Yes, I suppose it is.”

“I like it.”

“Yes, I suppose you would.”

They shared a laugh.

Smarty Pants fidgeted in her wrapper and asked the burning question, “Can I see her?”

Twilight sighed and rubbed her muzzle, “No I… Lost her a long time ago.”

“Oh,” Smarty Pant hugged Moo-Moo a little tighter inside her burrito. The little cow squeaked in agreement. “That’s too bad.”

The little pony watched as the Princess stared at the fireplace, her face unreadable. She sat that way for a really long time. Well, a really long time if you’re seven. Smarty Pants was first again to break the silence.

“So that’s reason number one. What’s next?”

"Hmm? Oh yes." Without looking away from the fire, Twilight spoke. “What can you tell me about your family tree, Smarty Pants?”

Her student turned her head to the side trying to decide what the Princess meant.

“Oh, we don’t have any trees, Your Highness. My daddy works in the mine and my momma sells shoes. I’m sorry.”

Twilight turned away from the fire and smiled at her apprentice. “Silly filly, I meant your family history. Do you know your roots? Where you come from?”

Smarty Pants shook her head.

“Alright, let me tell you a story. Long, long ago, I was the personal student of Princess Celestia. When I finished my studi—“

“Who’s Princess Celestia?”

The two ponies stared at each other like the other had two heads. Then Twilight realized her mistake. Of course Smarty Pants had no idea who Celestia was.

“Princess Celestia is the Sun Goddess and my former mentor. She and her sister, Princess Luna, ruled Equestria before Cadence and I did.”

“Sun Goddess? Did she help the Solar Court lift the sun in the morning, too?”

“Sort of. She did it all by herself.”

"Whoa, there used to be a pony that could raise the sun all by herself?”

“Oh there still is. She and Luna, are just... Hiding.”

“Hiding?”

Her teacher screwed her eyes shut before continuing, “The four of us, Celestia, Luna, Cadence, and I are... Playing hide and seek.”

Princess Twilight put on a fake smile. The kind that said No, I'm not crazy, thanks for asking.

Smarty Pants flopped over onto her side with wide eyes. “Why the hay-”

“It wasn’t my idea! One minute the four of us are having tea a-and the next minute the two of them were running out the door howling with laughter shouting ‘Catch us if you can, catch us if you can!’”

For that last part the Princess crossed her eyes and added an annoying childlike tone to her voice. Smarty Pants tried to process all of this when she was hit with a thought.

“Wait... I’ve never heard of a Princess Celestia or a Princess Luna.”

Twilight flinched and Smarty Pants gave her a look like she caught the Princess with her hoof in the cookie jar. “How long have you all been playing?”

Twilight groaned, “Well... Let's see. It's been a while since I've done the math. I guess Cadence and I gave up looking around 430 years ago, we had a country to run after all. But they’d already been hiding for about twenty years before that.”

“Wow,” Smarty Pants muttered, “They're really good at hide and seek, huh?"

Twilight chuckled humorlessly, "They're the best. So where was I? Ah yes. I was sent to Ponyville with the instruction to make some new friends. And wouldn't you know it I made five of the best friends a girl could ask for.”

Smarty Pants listened with rapt attention as the Princess told her all about her friends. There was Applejack, faithful and strong. She lived on an apple farm named Sweet Apple Acres with her family. Smarty Pants liked the story about her winning the rodeo.

Fluttershy was a lovely pegasus whose true beauty was on the inside. She was a little shy, but she was always there for her friends. Fluttershy cared for many woodland creatures and Smarty Pants thought that sounded nice.

Then there was Rarity the unicorn with her fashion empire. She made the best dresses for all the best ponies. She had a generous heart and Smarty Pants thought she sounded fun. Still, the little pony didn’t like how sad Princess Twilight looked while talking about her.

She heard all about a pink party pony named Pinkie Pie who loved to make everypony laugh and smile. She also made cakes and had a habit of showing up in the strangest places. Smarty Pants thought she was the best pony.

Finally there was the pegasus Rainbow Dash. She was the fastest pony in the whole wide world. Rainbow Dash was fiercely loyal to her friends and she never knew the meaning of the words stop, no, slow down, or acquiesce. But to be fair that last one was hard for Smarty Pants, too.

For the next hour or so, Smarty Pants learned all about her teacher’s life and her adventures. She learned that Princess Cadence wasn’t really her sister, but in fact they were sisters-in-law and that long, long ago she was also Princess Twilight’s babysitter before either Princess was a Princess!

Learning that the Princesses were once not Princesses was a bit too much for Smarty Pants, and she already had to potty. She just didn’t want to interrupt the story. Thank goodness Princess Twilight was so good at teleporting ponies that had to potty.

Smarty Pants learned about an ancient castle in the Everfree Forest that sounded like a fun place to go exploring. She laughed when Fluttershy stole Princess Celestia’s pet phoenix. She gasped and swooned at the invasion that almost ruined Princess Cadence’s wedding to Shining Armor. She stomped excitedly at the retelling of her royal ascension and her return to Canterlot.

“Oh my goodness, I didn’t know that so much could happen to a pony! And to think that I haven’t read about any of that! New stories are oh so exciting!”

Twilight smiled sadly at her protégé, “They were my best friends, Smarty Pants. And I loved them, each and everypony. But the story doesn’t end with my leaving Ponyville. That’s when it becomes the beginning of your story.”

Smarty Pants looked confused, “What do you mean, Your Majesty?”

“Do you know your mother’s mother?”

“Gram-Gram Crazy Pants?”

“Mmhmm. Do you know who her grandmother was? What about her grandmother’s grandmother?”

“No I... I don’t,” she looked away from the Princess. How many ponies had come before her? Was it a lot? Who keeps track of them all? Who knows what they did? Some of them had to have neat things happen to them like the Princess, right?

How much was forgotten? Even the Princess lost her doll and she didn’t know where it was. It was so sad. Maybe Smarty Pants could help find the lost things? The lost ponies?

She looked back at the Princess, her brow wrinkled with resolve, “I don’t know about them, Princess. But I’d like to.”

Princess Twilight smiled proudly at the determination in her pupil’s eyes. She took a gamble on this little filly, and it just might pay off.

“I’m very glad to hear that Smarty Pants. And I’ll be happy to share my research with you another day. But for now, let’s go back a little further. To your great-great-great-great-great-great-grea… you know what? Let’s just say she was your really great-grandmother on your mother’s side. Her name was...”

Twilight leaned forward for emphasis. Smarty Pants leaned forward too.

“Pinkie Pie.”

The little filly burst from her burrito like expired beans and gasped a mighty and incredulous gasp.

“NO WAY!” she gasped.

Smarty Pants spun in a tight circle, stomped her hooves on the comforter, and she crumpled to her side, eager for the Princess to continue.

“What happened?!”

“Well, Pinkie Pie fell in love with a wonderful unicorn stallion from Canterlot... I guess? It was strange. I remember one spring day when the six of us went to Canterlot at Pinkie’s request. She had been missing for days. When she just popped back into existence and said she wanted us to go to Canterlot with her, how could we say no?"

Smarty Pants nodded, and the Princess continued, “We took the train. When we got there, the five of us followed her to a fancy party in the palace gardens. We got in because, hello, I’m a Princess? Yeah. So anyway, we walked into this party and Pinkie Pie walked right up to Fancy Pants and kissed him right on the lips.”

“SHE DIDN’T.”

“She did! Then she hoofed over a wedding invitation. To their wedding. I’d never seen Fancy Pants that flustered before. But Pinkie? Pinkie seemed oddly calm about the whole thing. Like her disappearing, reappearing, and suddenly falling in love with Fancy Pants was all just a foregone conclusion and she just had to go through the motions."

“In the end, they were perfect for each other even if it was strange at the time. After all, if there was a party in Canterlot, either he threw it or he was on the VIP list. Rainbow Dash said it was just Pinkie being Pinkie, but it felt like there was more to it. I guess that’s just one more thing about Pinkie Pie I’ll never know.”

Smarty Pants offered helpfully, “At least everypony was happy, right?”

The Princess pinned her ears back and sighed, “Well... Not everypony. Rarity was furious. She called ‘dibs’ on Fancy Pants a few years earlier.”

Smarty Pants tucked her tail back under herself in response, “Oh... Sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry about, Smarty Pants.” Oddly, neither pony seemed very convinced by the statement.

“What happened then?”

“Their whole life together happened. There’s just too much to tell, here and now. They loved each other and they were very happy. Eventually they had three kids; Marsipants, Key Lime, and Sun Spots. Sunny grew up to be Commander of the Solar Court. He was a good friend and companion.

“Fancy Pants passed just before Pinkie Pie, who lived to the ripe old age of 83. She probably would have found a way to live forever, but she was so excited about planning her own funeral reception that she just couldn’t wait. I remember the party. As soon as she pulled the last batch of cupcakes out of the oven, she was gone.”

Twilight heard a sniffle and looked down at her little pony, trying not to cry in spite of herself.

“Hay now, no tears. Pinkie Pie wanted everypony to Smile, Smile, Smile. No pony was allowed to be sad at the party. We all Pinkie Promised. So you’re not allowed to be sad now.” She smiled at Smarty Pants and used a hoof to lift her little face.

“83 years is a long time for a pony who lives life to the fullest.”

Smarty Pants wiped her tears on Moo-Moo and cleared her throat. She was a strong earth pony and her daddy said that strong earth ponies don’t cry.

“S-so what’s the third reason?”

“Hang on Smarty, I’m not done with the second item on the list. On your mother’s side you’re directly related to Pinkie Pie and Fancy Pants. But on your father’s side you’re also related to Applejack and Fluttershy.”

“I am?!”

“That’s right! Fluttershy married Applejack’s brother, Big Mac. Big Mac was the handsomest, kindest stallion in all of Ponyville and... A perfect fit for Fluttershy. They were both very quiet and unassuming but what wasn't said spoke volumes. They loved each other very much.” With a blush, she quietly added, “As often as they could.”

Smarty Pants tilted her head to the side, “What do you mean?”

“Well, the Apple family was already known for being rather... Prolific. And Fluttershy loved anything cute and cuddly. Doubly so if it was a baby cute and cuddly something. So... You know... One thing led to another and they had a beautiful baby girl. Then a baby boy. Then twins. Then another girl. Final tally, they ended up having twenty-three children.”

“Whoa,” Smarty Pants said, letting her mouth hang open. Sitting there in silence for a moment, she pinned her ears back and wrapped her tail tightly behind her. “Ouch,” she added.

The blush on Twilight’s face flared back into life. Just what kind of books was Smarty Pants reading in the library?

“Ouch, indeed. Sweet Apple Acres had so many mouths to feed that they had to annex a part of the Everfree Forest. But they were never hurting for a helping hoof. To this day the largest concentration of Apples in Equestria can still be found around Ponyville. It’s a small wonder that you can trace your lineage to those two, most of the ponies alive today have Fluttershy and Big Mac lurking about in the roots of their family tree.”

“So then Pinkie Pie is my really great gram-gram and Fluttershy is also my really great gram-gram and Applejack is my really great auntie?”

“That’s right Smarty Pants. That in and of itself isn’t reason enough to make you my student, though. It’s not just that you’re decended from them. It’s that I see so much of them in you. Whether you’re eating cake, taking care of Moo-Moo, or breaking something with your freaky earth pony strength.” Twilight gave the little pony a wry smile and hoof-jab with that last comment.

Smarty Pants grinned back with a happy growl.

“You remind me of the girls. I see you and I see my friends looking back through you. And as the Goddess of Magic, you better believe me when I say that Friendship is the greatest magic of all.”

Smarty Pants leapt at Princess Twilight with a roar and wrapped her long neck in a hug. Twilight nuzzled right back.

“Are you ready to hear the final reason on my checklist, Smarty Pants?”

Smarty Pants climbed back down on the bed and brought her head to rest on the Princess’ pillow. Her wavy mane tickled Twlight’s chin when she spoke. “Oh yes, Your Majesty.”

“Do you remember when we first met in Farrington, eight weeks ago?”

The earth pony nodded, once again tickling Her Royal Highness. She remembered. She remembered how she was on her way to the bookstore in the Market District when a big pretty purple pony walked out of its revolving door. She was the most magical most splendid most super nice looking pony that Smarty Pants had ever seen.

She also had two ponies with her in golden armor who didn’t look so super nice. They looked kinda grumpy. She also also remembered that the pretty purple pony had saddlebags that must have been full of neat books!

Twilight Sparkle also recalled the day she met Smarty Pants. They were on their way to make her first Royal visit to the United Gryphon Kingdoms in six years. Twilight and her royal guards, her two travelling companions, had stopped by the border city of Farrington for fresh supplies. She found the city quite to her liking. Rustic. It reminded her of a gruffer, surlier Ponyville. The ore refineries were a bit noisy, though.

The townsfolk were nice enough and they were quite accommodating even though she was just passing through. She had already resupplied and they made their way to the north gate. But she came across a griffon statue in front of the Market District and turned in. It was a just a whim, really, but the smile on the statue looked so welcoming; she couldn’t help but explore the city a little bit.

The central plaza of the Market District was full of hustle and bustle. She was surprised to notice that most ponies who saw her would scurry about their business, giving her a wide berth. It was pleasantly refreshing not having to deal with a mob of well-wishers.

In the plaza, she found a store called Mystic Spiral's Magic Artifact Emporium. The name was a mouthful, but the store owner knew her stuff. It was surprising to find such a wealth of magical artifacts in a city populated mostly by earth ponies and pegasi. Then again, maybe it wasn’t all that surprising, seeing as magic would have been a rare commodity. Maybe she should talk with the mayor about opening a Center for Magical Studies here in Farrington and shore up the unicorn population.

As she exited Mystic Spiral's Magic Artifact Emporium she was delighted to spot a well-worn store front across the way, proudly named Page Turner’s in big bold letters. It was one of Twilight’s favorite things. A bookstore. A second-hoof bookstore that just had to be full of forgotten treasures. She also remembered the look on the poor owner’s face when she got stuck in the revolving door in her eagerness to enter the shop.

It was all worth it, though. She picked up a few local history books and a fresh well of ink. The visibly shaken shop clerk wouldn’t take her money until she threatened to turn him into a frog if he didn’t.

Twilight remembered leaving the bookstore. She walked past a few gawking ponies and made her way past the smiling griffon statue again. Somehow, walking past it from this angle made it look like it was sneering instead. She stifled a shiver at the memory.

She remembered the sudden shocked gasps from the little ponies around her. She looked about to find the cause of the commotion, but found nothing. She looked to her guards who just shrugged. Then her eyes found a little brown earth pony on her belly a few feet away.

She was idly kicking her back legs in the air behind her and resting her chin on a forehoof. With her free hoof she turned the pages of a book. It wasn’t until she noticed the saddlebags next to the little filly, her saddlebags, that she figured out what had happened.

She remembered all of this, but she didn’t remember the feeling of the saddlebags being removed from her back. She looked behind her and saw that they were indeed missing. It was inexplicable. It was incredible. It was presumptuous to the nth degree. It was the sort of thing she hadn’t seen a pony do since her friend Pinkie Pie was alive.

Twilight remembered approaching the little pony who was humming happily to herself and the conversation that followed.

“Is it a good book?” she asked.

The little pony turned to face the recently burgled and lit up with a grin, “Oh yes, ma’am! I haven’t read this one before. It’s all about these things called the Elema- Elements of Harmony! Have you ever heard of them? They used to be ponies and before that they weren’t, but now they’re missing! That’s too bad because they sound super-nice.”

Princess Twilight sat down in the middle of the dirty cobblestone street to have a conversation with the little pony about books and the Elements of Harmony. Twilight was about to broach the subject on the proper ways to ask for permission before borrowing another pony's belongings, when she heard something that almost bowled her over.

“Smarty Pants? Smarty Pants, where areSPARKLE’S GARTERS, IT'S THE PRINCESS.” A light-green earthpony with a red horseshoe for a cutiemark broke through the crowd and stumbled into a bow.

“Oh Princess, we’re so terribly sorry. Smarty Pants, tell the nice Princess how sorry you are.” The mare scooped the little filly into her forehooves, inspecting her for damage like a piece of fruit at the market.

“Momma, this is my new friend! We’re talking about books!”

“That’s nice –I’m so sorry Your Highness— come along Smarty –She’s like this whenever she gets her hooves on a new book— I’m sure the Princess has important things to do and we can’t be bothering royalty! –A thousand pardons Your Grace— Oh what will your father say?”

The filly’s mother spouted half-hearted apologies and dragged the happily jabbering pony away from the Princess, back towards the main street through the city.

A voice, calm and serene, called out, “Just a moment,” And the mare stopped dead in her tracks.

Princess Twilight put on her best No, I’m not going to eat you smile and walked up to the trembling pony. The small crowd began dispersing with a just stern look from the captain of her guard, Quick Name.

“What is your name, My Little Pony?”

“Sure Hooves, Your Majesty.”

“Sure Hooves. And did I hear you right when you said that your daughter’s name was Smarty Pants?”

“Y-yes, Your Majesty.” She faltered, “I-if she broke anything, Your Eminence, we’ll happily replace it! That is, if it can be replaced. Oh my goodness Smarty, you didn’t break anything irreplaceable did you?!”

“She did nothing of the sort, I assure you. Your daughter fascinates me, Sure Hooves,” Twilight recalled exchanging a brief glance with her guards as they returned to her side, “Come, will you two join us for tea? I’m afraid I must insist.”

Smarty Pants remembered getting tea with the Princess. Her momma let her have two pieces of carrot cake from the café and she never had two pieces before. It was nice. She remembered how the Princess left to go visit the nice Grphyons to the north and how she said she’d come back later.

She remembered how her momma hugged her extra extra tight that night when she was tucked into bed. She remembered how her daddy came to say goodnight to her and how she was a good girl and how he was proud of her. She remembered that he cried, even though he tried to hide it. Daddy was a strong earth pony.

“I remember all that, Princess. The carrot cake was delicious! Do you think we can visit Farrington again soon and get some carrot cake? Maybe... Maybe we could see my parents, too?”

She drooped and Twilight noticed how the warmth of her wavy mane fell away from her chin.

“I miss them,” Smarty Pants said in a frail voice.

Twilight sighed. Smarty Pants was so many things. Her reading comprehension and retention were off the charts. Her sneakiness was second-to-none. She was sturdy, strong willed, and good natured. She was also a homesick seven-year-old girl.

“How would you like to visit them this weekend, Smarty Pants?”

Smarty Pants lit up and nuzzled the Princess, “That would be super nice, Your Majesty.”

“Then we’ll make it happen, Smarty. You can practice your hoofmareship and write them a letter tomorrow telling them all about it.”

Smarty Pants nodded, and Twilight laugh quietly when the filly’s red mane once again tickled her chin.

“So anyway, reason three. Reason three on my list is you.”

“Me?” Smarty Pants asked before yawning tiredly.

“That’s right, Smarty Pants. You. Your heart, your strength, your abilities... You.”

Smarty Pants got out from under her teacher’s chin to give Princess Twilight a puzzled look.

“Friendship is the greatest magic of all. But second on the list? The second greatest magic of all is Knowledge. Third is teleportation, but knowledge is definitely number two. I know in my heart of hearts that you are capable in both the first and second greatest magics. So no more fretting about being ‘just an earth pony’ ok?”

Smarty Pants nodded.

“Smarty Pants, in these carefree times, ponies don't study history. Even their own history. You’ve never heard of Princess Celestia or Princess Luna? That’s because most ponies would rather forget the unhappy parts of their past. But as a country we can't afford to think like that. This is a big world full of hidden dangers. Dangers just waiting for the precise catalyst to set off a terrifying chain reaction.”

Princess Twilight stood up to her full height and extended her wings. She took a step away from the bed and Smarty Pants watched on in awe.

“What Equestria needs… What I need, is a hero. A research hero. I need somepony who can hunt down the mysteries and unfortunate truths that lurk in the shadows.”

Smarty Pants’ eyes widened in anticipation.

“Somepony who will do more than just find information and make theories. Somepony who can also act on what they discover. Somepony brave enough, smart enough, and sneaky enough to get into all sorts of trouble, and find her way out too.”

The excitement coming off of Smarty Pants was palpable.

“But finding just the right pony for the job has been very hard for Princess Cadence and I. A few have those qualities, but none of them have had the most important quality.”

Twilight reached forward and tapped Smarty Pants in the chest, “Heart. We need a pony who’s brave enough, smart enough, sneaky enough, and kind enough to do what she does not for herself but for the good of everypony everywhere. In all my years of searching for somepony like that, you are the first to have all those qualities.”

Smarty Pants was on the verge of hyperventilating when the Princess concluded her speech with a question.

“Do you want to be my hero, Smarty Pants?”

Before Smarty Pants could answer, a blinding flash of white startled the Princess. It startled her because it wasn’t her magic that caused it.

She blinked away the spots and saw Smarty Pants standing on her bed, staring at her brand new cutiemark, an open book with a magnifying glass over top of it.

Smarty Pants stared at it for a really long time. A really long time if you’re seven. She turned to the Princess and stood up on her wobbly back legs. Moo-Moo dropped to the bed. Tears fell down her cheek and she reached out for a hug.

It was a nice hug. It meant a lot. It said a lot.

Author's Note

Shout out to NickNack and his awesome three part story Heart of Gold, Feathers of Steel. It's where Farrington comes from, and it's used with permission. Do youself a favor and read it next! It's a little dark and it's fantastic!

Epilogue

--- Two Months Later ---

Princess Cadence sat on a small cloud in the VIP waiting room of the Mare-de-Sun Square Garden in Manehatten. She couldn’t help but sigh happily. She had a smile on her face and a song in her heart. Today was Hearts and Hooves Day. Her day.

Even before she was the Goddess of Love, she felt she had a special connection with this holiday. She could always feel the love of her little ponies, but the feeling was so much more... Whatever it was, on Hearts and Hooves Day.

Today was a day for ponies to share their love without reservation. A day to rekindle old flames. A time to work up the courage to ask out that special somepony. An excuse to hug their children a little bit tighter. A solemn moment to remember a life well lived and a heart well kept.

She tossed her head back with a shake but it didn’t do anything, and she immediately regretted it. She used to do it to remove unruly strands of hair from her face, now it was just a useless habit. She frowned at the memory of the day she first woke up with an ethereal mane. She remembered how she tore her royal bedchamber apart; looking for her real hair.

Not that it wasn’t beautiful, it was. Even on her worst days, it was breathtaking. She just had nothing to do with it. Used to be, when a pony would complement her hair she would shine with pride. Now? Now it was just a thing on her head that bandied about without a care in the world like some kind of happy little parasite.

The worst part was that she couldn’t play with it. It would dance out of her hooves if she did more than brush it. It wouldn’t crimp, it wouldn’t curl, it wouldn’t dye, and it wouldn’t be cut. She remembered how she considered taking up smoking just to have something to do with her hooves. But her purple plotted sister and her foalish playing at Senator put an end to that idea even before she could buy her first pack.

“Stupid anti-smoking laws,” she grumbled to herself as she fished a gumball out of the bowl in front of her and popped it into her mouth.

A voice from across the room piped up, “Er... What was that, Your Highness?”

Princess Cadence looked up at Love Note, her Private Secretary, sitting by the empty fireplace. Cadence smiled a genuine smile at her old friend cupping a hoof to her ear as she looked beyond her newspaper to the Princess sitting on her cloud.

“Oh nothing,” she laughed, “Just the deranged ranting of an old gray mare.”

Love Note snorted in agreement and returned to reading her paper. “Paper says it’s gonna be a hot one today, Cadie. Why in Tartarus are we here in Manehatten again?”

Princess Cadence laughed at the nickname her Private Secretary addressed her with. She remembered how greatly it vexed her some 50 years ago, but she’d grown accustomed to the brusque little pony. She kept Princess Cadence grounded in reality and Cadence kept her from drinking scotch at seven in the morning. They were a good team.

“Now now, Love Note, you know we’re here because it’s Hearts and Hooves Day.”

“I know what day it is Cadie, I’ve been sorting through your H&H mail for three weeks now. I’ve got the blisters on my blisters to prove it. But it’s Hearts and Hooves Day in Canterlot too, you crazy old coot. Why not celebrate there?”

Cadence smiled patently as she waited for Love Note to finish, "You know, for a pony named Love Note, you sure are grumpy on Hearts and Hooves Day.”

“Oh, we’re back to the names, are we? What the heck is a ‘Mi Amore’ anyway?”

“It’s Latin for ‘My Love’.”

“Latin, eh? There you go, making things up again,” Love Note sighed and looked over the top of her paper at the smirking Princess, “If I didn’t know you were the Goddess of Love, I’d swear you were the Goddess of Bullsh—“

There was a brief knock and the door opened wide enough for a stagehoof to pop his head in, “Two minutes till curtain call, Your Grace.” He disappeared just as quickly as he came.

“We’re here, Love Note, so that I can address the fine ponies of Manehatten as the Goddess of Love on Heart and Hooves Day, the annual holiday all about love. My Holiday. Every other year we visit a city besides Canterlot and every other year you ask me the same question.”

The Princess stood up and stomped her cloud out of existence with the tap of a hoof, “So let’s get out there, say a few words, and go mingle. What do you say? I’m sure there’s a crusty old stallion out there just dying to meet you.”

“You mean like that one last year who did die when I met him?”

Cadence winced. She’d forgotten about him. But the Princess wasn’t in the habit of giving up. As she held the door for her Private Secretary, she tried a new tactic. “How do you feel about younger stallions?”

Love Note said nothing but she gave the Princess a wink before slipping in behind her as they walked to the edge of the stage.

She chanced a peek beyond the curtain and Cadence saw that the Mare-de-Sun Square Garden was filled to capacity with ponies. There had to be tens of thousands of them. It would be the largest peace-time audience she had ever addressed. She was thrilled.

She could feel the love coming off of each and every one of them. It was enough to make her blush. Today was going to be the best Hearts and Hooves Day ever. She shook her head and cleared her thoughts just in time to hear the announcer on the stage finish his speech.

“-nd so... Without further ado... Please rise and give a big Hearts and Hooves Day welcome to the Happiest of Hearts, that Paragon of Paramours, the very Goddess of Love herself, PRINCESS CADENCE!”

She stepped out and the orchestra in front of the stage began playing. At least she thought they did. The conductor swung his baton and orchestra ponies looked like they were going through the motions, but as close as she was she couldn’t hear a note. Not over the deafening roar from the crowd.

She smiled. She glowed. It was her day. These were her ponies.

It was perfect.

She approached the small podium in the center of the stage and stood in front of the microphone. The crowd continued to cheer, hoot, stomp, and generally raise a holy ruckus unabated for almost a full minute. The building shook with their love.

Princess Cadence raised her wings high in the air and slowly lowered them. With each inch they dropped, the crowd became quieter. By the time she could brush the ground with a primary feather, it was quiet enough for Cadence to hear a bit drop.

Her wings came to rest on her sides and she took a breath. She tossed her head back with a shake, and smiled.

“Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, My Little Po—“

There was a purple flash somewhere in front of her. A wall of dust rushed up to hit her in the face and it burned in her eyes and nose. Her back legs gave out and she fell to ground coughing.

She coughed and flapped her wings to clear the air around her. She was fine, just startled. She was more worried about her ponies. There were thousands of them in here. If whatever it was ended up panicking the ponies and they all tried to run away at once... Well, somepony was going to get hurt. Or worse.

“Stay calm, everypony!” She shouted. “I have everything... Under... Control?”

With the purple dust cleared, she found a sea of wide-eyed ponies. Everypony in the audience was staring at two new arrivals on the stage. So was she.

Cadence felt her jaw nearly unhinge when she saw Twilight and her pupil, Smarty Pants, standing together on the stage with her. Both ponies had pink coats, like hers.

Twilight and Smarty Pants were wearing cheap wigs. Wigs with streaks of purple, pink, and yellow. The very colors of her mane. Smarty Pants came complete with a set of pink cardboard wings and a horn. Wordlessly, the two pink ponies turned to face each other and they closed their eyes.

Cadence started with “Sister, wha—“ But it was too late.

Their eyes sprang open and they began to prance in place with wide grins. The two ponies sang.

“Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake—”

Twilight and Smarty Pants clapped their pink forehooves together for the next verse, “Clap your hooves—“

Time slowed for Cadence as she watched the two abominations turn to wiggle their rumps at each other, her stomach dropping with each motion.

“—and do a little shake!”

Their dance complete, Smarty Pants spun around in a small circle and giggled. Twilight turned her head to make eye contact with a confused Princess Cadence.

She clicked her teeth at her and said with a wink, “Now we’re even, Heartbutt.”

Before she could respond, there was another flash and Cadence found herself coughing on a second plume of dust. When it cleared the interlopers were gone. There was silence in the hall.

Then a single snicker came from a member of the orchestra. Cadence looked down and caught her reflection in a Tuba. She was purple. Her mane was purple. Her beautiful, untouchable mane was purple, and it was a big curly mess that stood on top of her head.

Cadence shut her eyes and pinched the bridge of her muzzle with a forehoof.

“Yeah, ok. Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, everypony. Peace out.” And she walked off the stage in a huff.

The last thing those thirty thousand ponies heard from their Love Goddess that day was a question bellowed from beyond the curtain.

“What’s a Princess gotta do to get a drink around here?”

Author's Note

The end! Thanks for reading along on my first FIMFiction piece. Be sure to check out the sequel, it's much more action packed if you're into that kind of thing. Many thanks to BloodLord for his invaluable services as a pre-reader!

Questions? Comments? Critiques? Let me know below!

Thanks again,

-Autumnschild