I Have No Princess, So I Must Scream
Sunflower
Chapter One: I Have No Princess, So I Must Scream
Princess Celestia. In all of Equestria, there is no mare that can compare to her. Her kind and caring heart is known well throughout the minds of her subjects, and her beauty shines radiantly every single day, just as the sun she controls. Countless stallions have asked for her hoof in marriage during her many centuries ruling Equestria, but none have succeeded in taming her heart. In today's age, she is considered the most unobtainable mare alive, and all have given up hope of obtaining her...well...almost all...
"Get back here, you insect!" yelled one of the ten Canterlot Guards in pursuit.
"Ha, catch me if you can, slowpokes!"
The pony now running from the Canterlot Guard is named Escape. He would best be described as a stallion of average build with emerald green fur, piercing blue eyes and a winning smile. His mane is long for a stallion and is fairly messy with a dark grey colour, but his appearance however, is not the issue. The issue currently is the brigade of guard ponies chasing him out of The Canterlot Castle. Why might this be happening you ask? It all started five minutes ago...
Princess Celestia had been going about a dreadfully boring day. Day Court had been nothing but tax problems and ponies trying to convince of her of going through with ideas that could do nothing else but eventually crash and burn.
"I'm sorry," the Princess apologized. "But I'm afraid I cannot fund money into a museum on silly putty. Next, please!"
The guards escorted the business mare with her projections for the museum away, and brought in the next citizen. Peculiarly, this pony was draped in a black cape with a large top hat covering their head and face. That kind of concealment wasn't allowed in Day Court, so the Princess was required to tell the pony to reveal themselves before they could continue with their problem.
The Princess held out her hoof to stop the pony. "Wait, before you begin with your request, I must ask you to take off your hat. It's protocol here in Day Court."
"Well of course," the pony replied in turn.
The pony took off their top hap and placed in directly by their hooves. Upon seeing the pony's face, she realized the pony looked quite familiar, but she couldn't quite place where she remembered the green earth-pony stallion from.
"May I speak now. Your Highness?"
"You may."
The stallion picked up his hat and moved closer to the Princess until the two were within a reasonable speaking distance. "I believe," he started, tapping his hat with a hoof. "That you, Your Highness, stole something from my possession."
The two guards that were stationed beside Celestia glared daggers into the stallion.
"You dare accuse the Princess of thievery?!" asked one of the guards angrily.
"Stop," Celestia said to her guard calmly. "Let the stallion speak; what is it that you claim I've taken from you? I assure you, there must be some sort of mistake, as I have done no such thing."
"What did you steal?" The stallion repeated. "You stole...my heart!"
A bouquet of red roses suddenly poked their way out of the stallion's top hat. He swiftly took them from the hat and placed them before Celestia.
"Princess Celestia...I...love you! Please, would you go on a date with me?"
With that, there was pin-drop silence in the courtroom. Even the previously rowdy guards were stupefied at the development. All eyes turned to Celestia, who was trying her best not to appear dumbfounded. A faint glowing red stained the Princess' cheeks, but by covering her mouth with her hoof, she managed to hide it. Her response however, was not quite as concise.
"W-Wha-I umm...w-well that's not to...I umm...t-this is just so sudden... "
The stallion chuckled. "As expected of the Princess. You're even more beautiful when you're flustered. Don't worry about telling me your answer right now. I promise you, this won't be our last meeti-"
Finally coming out of the shock of the situation, Celestia's guards grabbed the stallion by his black cape. "Oho, I remember you now," one of them said menacingly. "You think you can just say things like that to our Princess?! I'll make sure you never get within three blocks of the Princess ever again!
The stallion smiled at the guard. "Hey, would you do me a favour?" he said, maintaining his smile. "Hold on to my coat for me, would ya?"
Before the guard could respond, the stallion slipped out of his cape and jumped out a nearby window into the Royal Garden.
The guard surged with anger. "Every guard in this room! After that stallion, now!"
This brings the stallion, Escape, back to his current predicament. A large gathering of guards was right on his tail, and Escape couldn't care less. He was still experiencing the joy of having worked up the nerve to confess to the Princess. Escape had never been one to shy away from a challenge, and he was one step closer to completing one of the hardest challenges of all time: marrying Celestia.
"Get back here, maggot!" yelled another guard furiously. "I'll teach you to say heart-felt things like that to our Princess!"
Escape could do nothing but laugh at the guards. Well...besides running from them. Unfortunately, completely wrapped up in his good mood, Escape ran right into a dead-end alleyway. He turned back to see the smiling mugs of the guards.
"Nowhere left to go now, hey punk?" said one smugly.
"On the contrary." Escape reached into the saddle-bag he'd been wearing and pulled out a small black ball. "I enjoyed our little chase, but I have ponies to brag to. Better luck next time!" Escape slammed the ball into the ground, creating a cloud of white smoke.
The guards looked around wildly, trying to find a glimpse of the stallion who had just stood right before their eyes, but after the cloud of smoke dissipated, he had vanished without a trace.
Celestia gave a deep sigh. It had been about an hour since that mysterious stallion's confession, and Day Court was finally wrapping up for the evening, but Celestia still couldn't shake the memory from her head. Getting up from the throne, she stretched herself out and exited the door to the throne room, intent on a good night's rest, but stopped suddenly on account of her sister, Luna, waiting for her on the other side.
"Sister, I heard about what happened in Day Court today," said Luna with a grin plastered across her face.
"Luna," she said weakly. "Please, don't do this now. I'm exhausted and I'm pretty sure I hear my pillow calling my name."
"Oh come on, Tia," exclaimed the Night Princess playfully. "When was the last time somepony confessed their love for you? In the middle of Day Court?"
"216 years ago, why?"
"...That was rhetorical, but what I'm trying to say is give this one a chance. What was this, the third time that same stallion tried something ridiculous to get your attention?"
Celestia rolled her eyes. "Fourth time, actually. Yesterday, he hung down from a tree during a stroll in the Royal Garden just to tell me how gorgeous he thought my hair was. You should have seen how uppity the guards got."
Luna stifled back a giggle. "Seriously?! It's amusing how dedicated this one is."
The Solar Princess shook her head. "I hope this one just gives up. In the end, I know the reason every stallion desires me, because it is the very same reason every time. By marrying me, they wish to become prince and take the money and power the position holds. There's been so many stallions that desire me for this reason, that I can practically smell the greed of one if I'm near somepony like that. Canterlot doesn't need a prince like that, and I won't give them one..."
Exhausted, Celestia walked down the hallway that led to her bedroom, while Luna rubbed her hooves mischievously.
"Oh Tia, if you think I'm going to let you give up on this one that easily, you're dead wrong. I will find out myself if this one is genuine or not..."
Chapter Two: Assisting Sisters
"You dumbass!"
The cries of a angry little sister rang throughout the house. Escape had just finished telling his sister, Roseluck, about his thrilling confession to Princess Celestia, and she had responded appropriately with a swift kick to the jaw.
"How could you be so stupid?!" she yelled.
"Relax," Escape said, massaging his jaw. "I don't see what's so stupid about it. I finally confessed to Celestia, just like I always wanted to!"
Roseluck shook her head in shame. "Yeah, but you did in during the Royal Day Court for everypony to see! I bet that'll be on the news for Faust's sake! I can see the headlines now! Dumb Brother, Rejected By Princess For All To See. All of my friends back in Ponyville know you're my brother! I'm not going to be able to live your humiliation down!"
"Hey! I never said she said no!"
"Did she say yes?"
"W-Well..."
"Then it's a NO!"
Escape put on a pouty face. "I thought you were trying to help me, Rosey!"
Roseluck sighed, calming down. "I...I'm sorry, I am. Really, I am, but couldn't you have been just a little more...subtle with your confession?"
Escape scratched the back of his head in thought. "Well...how many other ways is there to confess to a Princess? She's guarded practically everywhere and unless you're a leader of a country or have a fair bit of bits to your name, those guards won't even let you talk to her. I know; I've tried 27 times already."
"But you do have a fair bit of bits to your name. You're Escape, The Earth-Pony Magician, aren't you? Most of Canterlot knows who you are and I know every one of your last four shows has been sold out."
There was a twinkle in Escape's eye. "Well, as you say, I am pretty awesome."
"I said you were rich, dummy. That's the reason I even feel comfortable rooming with you while I build up enough revenue in Canterlot selling flowers without needing to worry about housing expenses."
Escape chuckled. "Nothin' but a gold-digger you are. By the way, you ever thought about just staying here in Canterlot? Your flower business does so much better here than it does back in Ponyville."
"Silly brother," said Roseluck playfully. "Canterlot blows; everypony's so rude and the place reeks of big business. I'd much rather live in Ponyville, where it's nice and peaceful...other than the occasional catastrophe."
"Yeah, well, I have to give you that one. Anyway, I'm going to hit the sack; I'm tired and I need to come up with some more ideas to convince Celestia to go out on a date with me."
She yawned. "Good idea, I think I'll do that myself. Good luck I suppose. Also, don't forget you owe me for those flowers you used during your failure of a confession."
"...Right."
Escape headed up the stairs of his house to his room, while his sister headed to the guest room.
"Jeez" he thought. "My little sis is ice cold. She must get it from Mom or something. Well, at least I feel motivated now to come up with a killer plan. But first, what window am I going through this time...?
As he got into bed, Escape quietly drifted out on conciousness, his last thoughts about what was essentially home invasion.
This was a dream Escape knew all too well.
There he was, on the streets of Canterlot as a foal at the age of 6. He'd only gone out in public a couple times with his parents and being a kid, he had enjoyed it, but today was a very different day. This was the day Escape had met his true love for the first time.
Escape's parents had always been busy ponies. Whenever they would go out, it would generally be out of the necessity for something, and they would try to make the trips out of the home as quick as possible. It didn't help that they had Roseluck to care for on top of him. While shopping one day, Escape's parents had been especially stressed, unable to find the right type of powdered milk for baby Roseluck. With all the commotion, it's no surprise that nopony would notice a little colt wander off by himself.
For a while, he thought it was fun wandering the streets of Canterlot. He got to see new sights, smell the nearby bakeries, and discover some of the city for himself. It had only turned sour when he realized he'd forgotten the way back.
He had been so very frightened. Lost, all alone in the big city of Canterlot. He had tried to talk to somepony, tell somepony he was lost and needed help, but in the bustling city, nopony heard his pleas. What more could a foal do then sit down a cry?
That's when he met her.
"My little pony, are you lost?" came a voice as silky as satin.
Escape looked up at his guardian angel; Princess Celestia in the flesh. The Princess gazed down at the little colt with great compassion and care in her amethyst eyes. Her ethereal mane illuminated her already-heavenly figure which only made Escape's jaw drop further and his heart jump higher. Realizing the Princess had asked him a question, he quickly nodded.
"Don't worry for even a moment. My guards will find your parents in a jiffy. In the meantime, would you like to stay with me in my carriage over there?"
He nodded without even fully realizing he was nodding, and quickly followed the Princess back to her carriage. It only took the guards about 15 minutes to find his parents, but those 15 minutes had been so magical for Escape. The Princess had entertained him the whole time with silly tales, and even sillier jokes. When his parents had come for him, she had whispered:
"When you're older, pay me a visit at my castle. You're welcome any time."
This was the start of his first crush...a crush that persisted 13 years later to the day...
Little did Escape realize while he lamented of his foalhood dreams, a Night Princess watched in secret, smiling softly.
Chapter Three: Front Page
*BAM*
Princess Celestia was suddenly awoken by a clamour at her door. She rubbed her eyes of sleep and opened them to a flash of pink coming directly at her. The unidentified pink object tackled Celestia into her pillows and seated itself directly on top of her chest.
"Auntie!"
Winded, Celestia took some deep breathes while staring up at the face of her room's perpetrator, and niece, Cadence.
"Cadence?" she wheezed. "What could possibly prompt you to jump on me this early in the morning?"
"Oh, I think you know why." Cadence seemed absolutely giddy with excitement. "It's front page news! I'm so happy for you, Auntie!" Cadence crushed the confused Princess in a tight bear hug, winding the already-winded Celestia. Prying herself away from her ecstatic niece for a moment, Celestia quickly racked her brain for information on what Cadence could be talking about, but couldn't come up with a solid answer.
"I'm sorry, Cadence," she said uneasily. "I'm not sure I'm following what you're talking about. Did Herbal Green finally release that type of tea they've been talking about? I have been looking forward to that."
Cadence dead panned. "That's just like you, Auntie. Trying to give a bland answer like that to cover up the exciting truth, even though the whole population of Canterlot knows you've begun dating again."
"Oh, that's what it-WHAT?!" Seeing Cadence shrink back from her outburst, Celestia calmed herself and decided to ask again in a lower register. "My apologies, Cadence. C-Could you repeat what you just said perhaps?"
Cadence's happy attitude returned. "All of Canterlot knows you've begun dating again." Cadence opened up the newspaper she'd been holding. "See, it's front page. 'Shot Down! Stallion's Rejection Signals Princess Celestia's Return To Dating!'
Celestia's eye twitched. Swiping the paper from Cadence, she began reading the article in a panic.
Cadence put a hoof on Celestia's leg. "Auntie, I'm so happy you started dating again. You told me when I was a little filly that you couldn't date because of your responsibilities, but I always knew there was somepony out there for you. Congratulations on getting back out there!"
Celestia put the article down shakily. She remembered back to the time when Cadence was a filly who had just gotten her cutie mark. Love being her special talent, Cadence had always wanted to know why the Princess of Equestria didn't have a special somepony. Rather than go into the politics of it with a filly, she told her that a Ruler's responsibilities came before her love, and that she was simply too busy for a special somepony. This wasn't necessarily a lie, but not the entire truth so to speak. Unfortunately, this article was about fifteen different shades of wrong, so she was going to have to let Cadence down on this one.
"Sorry to disappoint you, but this article is wrong. There isn't a single part they got right. Not only am I not dating again, but I never actually rejected that poor stallion on the front cover."
Cadence gasped. "Does...does this mean...you..."
Celestia gave a comforting smile. "Yes Cadence, I-"
"YOU'RE GOING OUT WITH THE STALLION ON THE FRONT PAGE?!"
Celestia blushed, caught off guard by the question. "W-Wait, that isn't what I said-"
"Oh, I can't wait to meet him! What's he like? Oh, and what does he do? For that matter, what's his name?"
Finally finding time to talk, Celestia cleared her throat. "Cadence, please don't jump to conclusions. This stallion just asked me out right out of the blue during Day Court. I never rejected him, but neither did I accept his offer. He was too busy being chased out of the castle for me to respond to him. To be honest, I don't even know his name."
Celestia watched as Cadence's excitement seemed to melt away. "So...false alarm?"
"False alarm. I'm really sorry, Cadence. I know you've wanted to play matchmaker with me for a while now, but it simply can't be. As a princess yourself, you must know the dangers of relationships with ponies of lower status. There's always a great possibility that they only wish to gain royal status. To be honest, you're extremely lucky to have married Shining Armor, a stallion who couldn't care less about a royal title."
Cadence sighed. "Yeah, that's Shiny for you alright. Despite being a prince, he still stayed as Captain of the Guard. He doesn't even like the title. I hear if any of the guards refer to him as prince, he makes them do sit-ups until they pee themselves."
Celestia laughed. "Oh yeah, I remember a few instances of that. I even have pictures."
Cadence giggled and looked down at the newspaper quizzically. "This stallion though...he looks vaguely familiar. Speaking of him, can the guards even arrest him legally just for asking you out?"
"Surprisingly, yes," she replied, getting out of bed to stretch. "Unless a meeting is agreed on to discuss the relationship, it is illegal to form a non-platonic relationship with a member of royalty. Didn't you have to do that with Shining Armor? I can only hope you did; your marriage would be nullified if not."
Cadence laughed nervously. "Yeah...we did that...totally did that..." Suddenly, something clicked in Cadence's mind. "Wait a minute...Auntie! I know who this is!"
"You do?"
"Yes! His name is-"
"ESCAPE!"
Escape was awoken to the lovely sound of his name being shouted by his one and only sister.
"ESCAPE! GET YOUR FLANK DOWN HERE!
He rubbed his eyes groggily. What's got her panties in a knot? he thought. "Wait a minute, ponies don't even wear panties normally-OH GOD, DON'T PICTURE YOUR LITTLE SISTER IN PANTIES! Yeah, what am I thinking? Ponies are usually naked so-OH GOD, DON'T PICTURE YOUR LITTLE SISTER NAKED!"
Severely repressing his thoughts, Escape hopped out of bed and headed downstairs into a well-decorated kitchen he could proudly call his, to find Roseluck angrily skimming through a newspaper. He had to admit, there was a certain amount of fear that shot through him when she put down the newspaper and turned her glare towards him, but he managed to keep his bladder in check before he wet himself. He was a real stallion after all.
"I knew it!" she yelled, throwing her hooves up in the air. "I totally knew this was going to happen! Some photographer just had to be there and he got a perfect shot of what you did yesterday! Just look at the paper and see for yourself!"
Escape scanned the newspaper and tried to pick his jaw off the floor. "No! How could this happen?!"
Roseluck scowled. "I know! With that picture, your reputation is going to be ruined, and mine will too by association."
He turned to Roseluck gloomily. "I don't give an armadillo's ass about that part! It's the 'signals her return to dating' part that concerns me! I didn't think that the media would see it that way. With this, every stallion under the sun is going to get the confidence to ask the Princess out! My chances are lowered!"
She shook her head. "Well, that does suck, but you should be a little concerned about that part. You'll be the laughing-stock of Canterlot now if you don't actually start dating the Prin-"
Roseluck was interrupted by a knock at the door. "Who could be knocking at your door this early?" she asked quizzically.
Escape shrugged. "No idea. I'll check."
Coming to his front door, Escape opened it to see a tall, cloaked pony standing at his doorsteps. The pony kept their face completely shrouded by their hood.
"We know..." the mysterious pony said eerily.
Escape raised an eyebrow at the pony. "...Umm, am I about to be assassinated or something? The whole silent thing you've got going along with the cloak is really ominous."
"Oh...sorry...may I come in?"
Escape eyed the pony for a moment. "Well...alright, but my house is a killing-free zone, okay?"
The cloaked pony merely nodded. The two stepped inside and the cloaked pony threw back their hood to reveal a dark blue mare with an ethereal mane of the same colour, similar to that of Celestia.
"W-Wait a minute," Escape stammered. "Y-You're Princess Luna, aren't you?"
Her turquoise eyes scanned the house suspiciously. "The very same. I've been told your name is Escape, better know as The Earth Pony Magician or The Magicless Magician. Is this correct?
Escape bowed his head. "Yes it is, your Highness."
"Tell me," she continued. "How can one perform magic without a horn?"
Escape smiled slyly. "Well, your Highness, a magician never reveals his secre-"
"They're mostly just optical illusions," interrupted Roseluck who'd been watching from afar. "But he's become so good at them that ponies simply assume what he's doing is magic. Also, it's an honour to meet you, your Highness."
While Escape pouted over lost mysticism, Luna looked between the two of them and glared daggers into Escape.
"Escape, who is this...this hussy?" Luna asked harshly. "You dare bear love for my sister and have the nerve to keep another mare on the side?!"
"...Hussy?" exclaimed Roseluck.
Although surprised, Escape was quick to respond to the situation. "Don't worry, your Highness," he said confidently. "That hussy is just my little sister."
"Hey! Why am I still a hussy?!"
Rather than fix the situation, Luna instead crinkled her face in disgust. "Why, that's even worse! You wish to pursue my sister Tia while keeping your sister on the side?! I thought that type of thing was illegal in Eq-...you're implying you don't love your sister romantically, aren't you?"
"Yep," he replied. "If I was going to keep a mare on the side, there's no way it would be Roseluck."
"Yeah," Roseluck agreed. "...Wait a minute, and just why not?"
"Uhh-"
"If I may," piped up Luna. "I shouldn't even be here, so now that your sister thing is cleared up, I'd like to discuss my sister thing."
The two siblings nodded respectfully. "Go ahead," they said in unison.
"I come to you today to plead that you not give up on your pursuit of my sister. I know you are probably still crestfallen from yesterday's rejection, but-"
"I haven't given up on Celestia," interrupted Escape. "And I'm not really 'crestfallen' either. Just wanted to throw that out there. Continue, please."
Luna looked shocked. "I...you aren't?"
"Yeah, she never really rejected me, she just never gave me an answer. Now I know that kind of counts as a 'no', but it's a no with hope. I'm just going to try again in a little while."
"Oh...well that's admirable of you. I suppose this is good then, because I also came here today to give my support for your pursuit of my sister, as well as give you a bit of an edge."
"Edge?"
Luna reached into her cloak and remove a neatly wrapped scroll. "Here," she said, giving the scroll to Escape. "This is a copy of my sister's day planner. It will show where she is going to be at what time. I've even circled the best times to approach her."
Escape fumbled the scroll. "Oi oi," he exclaimed. "I'm all for easy meetings with the Princess, but I think this constitutes as stalking, don't you?"
"W-Well," she stammered. "There really isn't any other option."
"Actually, I was meeting her pretty easily just by random encounter. No offence, your Highness, but while I appreciate your support, I would rather not have this."
Luna's jaw hung wide for a moment before forcibly shutting it. "V-Very well then, Escape, but allow me to at least give you some help. At 5:30 today, Tia will be sitting on a wooden bench outside in a secluded part of the Royal Garden. She will be alone, as she has requested she would like to be unguarded for some time during the day."
"Hmm," murmured Escape in thought. "I could make use of that one. Thank you, your Highness."
She smiled. "If all goes well, then you shouldn't need to address me as such. After all, members of the royal family need not be so formal with each other."
Blood rushed to Escape's cheeks as he tried to prevent his smile from overtaking anymore of his face.
Luna threw her hood back over her head and opened Escape's door. "I wish you the best of luck, Escape. Before I leave, I must leave you with one warning: Be as quick as possible with showing your love to Tia. With today's front page, I'm positive you won't be the only pony after her affections."
With that, Luna was off onto the streets of Canterlot. After fully absorbing what had just occurred, Escape turned to Roseluck with a grin. "I'm going to need some more flowers, stat."
Inside the barracks of the Royal Guard, a group of trained guards stood at the ready, waiting for orders from the captain. The captain, Shining Armor, glanced over his men.
"Salute!" he shouted.
"SIR YES SIR!" they responded in turn.
"Good," he said, walking down the line of guards. "I'm sure by now, all of you have found out about that publicity scandal that happened yesterday with her Highness in Day Court. Because of him, we're going to have to deal with an increasing amount of ponies trying the same thing 'Romeo' tried yesterday. We must be vigilant! We can't let what happened ever happen again. I want any pony who tries such an act arrested, especially our stallion from yesterday. Be on the lookout for him. Remember, this is for the purity of our ruler, Princess Celestia!"
"YEAH!" came a chorus of agreeing guards.
"Now," continued Shining Armor. "Don't forget about the bake sale the guards are having for charity this Friday. I expect you all to be there."
"Oh, oh, can I bring lemonade?"
"Yes you may. Now, dismissed!"
"SIR YES SIR!"
Author's Note
I'm dying...please...come closer...I'm dying, and the only thing that will cure me is...comments! Please, give me your opinions and such. It is barren down in the comment section.
Also, if you want to know what I plan on doing with the guards, I'm trying to make them the comedic antagonists. They'll have a bigger role further down in the story.
