Anthro Clopfic #116457

by Triple Word Score

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Sex, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human, Anthro, Main 6
Length: 60900

I've been transported to another world full of nudist aliens. They call themselves ponies, but they look more like people, and somehow, I hold the key to setting all this right.

Was it so much to ask that I could wake up in the same bed as the one I went to sleep in? Apparently, it was, because now I'm in a world full of nudist aliens who call themselves ponies but look suspiciously like people. To top it all off, they need something from me to turn back into their real selves, and I need to give it to them if I want to go home. For some reason, though, I can't shake the feeling that it's all just a little too convenient.

My name is Richard William Johnson, and I'm trapped in a male fantasy.
(Warnings: Blatant self-insert, Bad jokes, May contain plot)

Published 2013-12-18 02:30:05 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-19 18:50:48 UTC

Chapter 1) Mhphlmfmhrm!

"Do you think he's about to wake up?"

"I hope so, Fluttershy. We need him alive to help us fix this mess we're in."

I heard voices. I thought it was kind of strange because there wasn't anybody else in my apartment when I went to sleep. I checked. Also, Fluttershy? What kind of name is that?

"He better fix this!" another voice chimed in rather emphatically, "I can't fly right with a body like this. The balance is all off."

"Rainbow, there ain't no need to be yellin' like that. 'Sides, it ain't his fault we ended up like this, and you know it."

I seemed to be the object of some debate. From what I could tell, there were at least four of them. That last one seemed to put 'Rainbow' in her place. Seriously, what is up with these names? More importantly, what are all these people doing in my apartment?

The one addressed as 'Rainbow' replied with a grumble of exasperation. "Twilight, why'd you send Pinkie to get Rarity and the Princess? I could've been there and back by now."

"Because, when he started stirring, I didn't know how soon he would wake up. I need you and Applejack to help me restrain him if he panics."

Well, that completed the inventory of the four voices in the room. From what I could tell, the ones called 'Rainbow' and 'Applejack' were to my left and right, and 'Fluttershy' was above my head. 'Twilight' was farther away in the direction of my feet. I felt it safe to assume that 'Rarity' and 'Pinkie' were two of their accomplices outside. And did they say something about a Princess too? Just what kind of mess are they in, and how am I expected to fix it?

"Seriously?" That was 'Rainbow' again. "He doesn't look that strong. I don't think he could hurt any of us."

"That's not what I'm worried about," 'Fluttershy' replied. "He might hurt himself if he panics too much and falls out of bed." She sounded like she was straining to assert herself.

'That really hurt, Rainbow,' I thought to myself. In any case, I figured it was as good a time as any to stop staring at the back of my eyelids and make my presence known in the waking world.

There are many sights that may greet a man when he wakes up in strange and unexpected circumstances. Depending on the exact circumstances in question, some of these imaginable sights are more pleasant than others. Breasts would definitely fall on the 'pleasant' side of that spectrum.

I opened my eyes to the sight of two massive mounds of wonderful warmth and snuggly softness hovering mere inches above my face, as I lay on my back looking up. Something seemed off about them, though. They were covered by light yellow fur. I felt the heat rising up my face as a certain part of my own anatomy made it clear that it had no complaints. Awkward was about to take on a whole new level of meaning.

"Fine," 'Rainbow' relented with a sigh. "I still don't think we need all four of us to hold him down, though. I bet I could take him by myself."

"Whoa there, sugarcube. We ain't been like this as long as he has. He might have a few tricks we don't know about yet."

I glanced around at the speakers while trying to move my head as little as possible. It seemed they were too absorbed in their own argument to notice I was awake. It was immediately obvious where the one called 'Rainbow' got her name from. Her hair vibrantly displayed all the colors of the rainbow as it draped over her forehead and shoulders.

As for their bodies, each one of them was covered in different colors of fur, and even though they were clearly not human, they were very human-like, and they were very clearly female.

I could tell because they were all completely naked.

"Oh great," my mouth betrayed my state of wakefulness by mumbling my thoughts out loud. A number of things happened at that point. The conversation between the four humanoids stopped immediately as at least three pairs of eyes (and three pairs of breasts) focused squarely on me. I started shifting around intending to sit up and get a better look at everything. 'Rainbow' and 'Applejack' had other ideas and threw themselves over my arms and chest, presumably to restrain me. And my world suddenly turned light yellow when my face was pulled straight into what I assumed was Fluttershy's ample bosom.

"Mhphlmfmhrm!" I spoke into a faceful of fuzzy funbags that were every bit as warm and soft as they appeared to be. Unfortunately, my focus was elsewhere because the two great mounds also had the weight of a person on top of them. It made it hard to breathe. I slipped my arms free from under the two others (thank whatever divine being is running this madhouse for thick blankets) to try and push her off, but something else beat me to it. After a few gasps for air, I noticed a dim purple glow surrounding the poor girl and holding her about a foot off the bed while moving her aside.

'Wow,' I thought, unable to form any more complex thoughts at the moment.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [size=9]I didn't mean to fall on you like that.[/size] [size=8]Please don't be mad at me.[/size]" I turned my head and saw she was practically in tears as she apologized as profusely and as quickly as she could.

'I never thought it was possible to yell so quietly,' my thoughts spoke up again as soon as I snapped out of my stupor.

"It's alright, Fluttershy," the voice of 'Twilight' said in a reassuring tone. Come to think of it, I hadn't gotten a good look at her yet.

"Yeah, no harm, no foul," I chimed in. "Although, I was just trying to sit up. You didn't all have to dive over me like that." The last bit was directed at 'Rainbow' and 'Applejack', who were still pinning me down.

"Heh heh. Sorry 'bout that," the one called 'Applejack' grinned sheepishly. She and her companion pushed themselves off me, once again granting me some freedom of movement, but at the same time granting me a full view of their boobs.

'Okay, I'm gonna need a blindfold or something if I want to think clearly around these nudist aliens.'

I had intended to pull the blankets with me as I sat up, but my captors were still sitting on top of them after pulling themselves off of me. They got the hint, though, and after some awkward shuffling around on their part, I was able to sit up and keep myself covered.

Through a heroic effort of will, I redirected my attention to my surroundings rather than the distractions in my immediate vicinity. It was obvious that I was no longer in my apartment. In fact, the room by itself was easily twice the size of my little college town studio. The bed was a massive four-poster complete with a curtain that could be drawn if I ever thought of a reason to do so. Around the walls of the room sat assorted tables and dressers topped with expensive-looking vases and trinkets. On one side of the bed, I could see a balcony behind a set of curtains. If the sunlight on the other side was any indication, it must have been close to midday. On the other side, between the bed and the door, was a sitting area with a few chairs and large couches surrounding what I could only describe as a big, round coffee table. Overall, the room just screamed luxury and elegance in a way that my standard-issue bachelor pad just didn't.

"Okay," I said to no one in particular, still making a pointed effort to not look directly at the busty aliens in the room. I must have interrupted something, because the muttering sounds I had tuned out during my survey suddenly went quiet. "First question. Where am I?"

The one called, 'Twilight' replied with an unsure tone in her voice, "Oh, you're in a guest room at Canterlot Palace. It's the safest place we could think of to take you. Ummm, welcome to Equestria."

When I was growing up, my parents weren't excessively strict about things like proper etiquette, but they made sure to teach me basic manners. Something as simple as looking at someone when they are speaking to me was practically a reflex. Said reflex had me staring back down the gauntlet of gazongas at the only alien not on the bed, who smiled sheepishly as I turned my head to face her. She was just as naked as the other three, but unlike the others, she was light purple. There was something else, too. She had a horn growing straight out of her forehead, and what looked like a pair of wings folded behind her shoulders.

'Wait, wings and a horn?' Somewhere, in the back of my mind, a train of thought derailed, tragically killing everyone on board including all the follow-up questions to my first one. Quick glances at the others confirmed that 'Rainbow' and 'Fluttershy' also had wings, and 'Applejack' didn't have wings or a horn. 'How did I miss that?'

I took a deep breath and let it out, managing to piece together enough coherent thought before the silence became any more awkward. "Okay, second question. Who and what are you?"

This time, the answer came from an unidentified voice in the direction of the door. "Ooooh! We're just in time for introductions!"

I turned my head just in time to get smothered again. This time, I found my face pressed into a pair of perky pink play pillows.

"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie!" exclaimed the wall of pink fur.

"Phplmems tph mmphf ium," I replied. This was no ordinary hug. This... whatever she was, had me wrapped in a bone-crushing full-body hug. I couldn't even move my arms to pry her off. I merely hoped that a display of good manners might earn me back my breathing privileges.

'I'm going to die here.'

"Pinkie, let the poor dear breathe," another unidentified voice gently chided my assailant.

'My thoughts exactly, mysterious voice.'

Once delivered from the devastating death grip of D-cup doom, I took the next few seconds to stare at the bed canopy and enjoy the continuation of my oxygen habit. Meanwhile, I could hear a minor commotion coming from the general direction of the door, but I tried to ignore it.

Despite my best efforts, the bouncing of my bed and the sounds of my alien hostesses stumbling and tripping over themselves called my attention away from the semi-transparent curtains tied to the bed posts. I looked around to see what all the noise was. The aliens were attempting to make their way to the sitting area near the door. However, they appeared to be experiencing some difficulty in doing so, if the way they were bear-crawling across the floor with their butts in the air was any indication. At least from my angle, their tails did a semi-passable job of covering up their backsides.

One of the aliens in particular had more trouble than the others in making her way to the circle of chairs and couches. The orange one with blonde hair had stumbled again and hit the floor with a muffled thud.

'At least there was carpet, or that might have hurt,' I mused to myself. I briefly considered the idea that without wings, she was having a hard time balancing herself. I just as quickly wrote that off since they had humanoid bodies, so they should have been able to walk upright. After all, the pink one wasn't having any problems bouncing around the room, seemingly oblivious to the plight of her counterparts.

The way she fell also just happened to give me a good view of her butt. It was certainly a pleasant view in its own right, but what caught my eye was the image of three apples embossed on her hips. I silently glanced around at the others, purely out of curiosity. Each of the others also had unique markings around the same spot.

"Applejack, are you alright?" one of them asked with concern evident in her voice. I could no longer keep track of which voice belonged to which alien.

"I'll be alright, Twi. Jus'..." Her voice cut off as a reddish-purple glow wrapped around her and lifted her into the air, depositing her on one of the couches. "Ya didn't have ta pick me up," she said to her lavender companion, but gratitude was evident in her voice.

"Is something wrong?" I asked, "I can't help but notice you're having trouble just walking across the room."

The light purple one with wings and a horn opened her mouth to speak, but she was cut off by the light blue one with rainbow hair. "How about we turn you into something else and see how fast you learn to walk," she practically shouted at me.

I winced a little at her outburst, but before I could reply, yet another voice chimed in with a placating tone, "Let's not be rude to our guest. He is not to blame for our current predicament."

"I'm sorry, Princess." If her ears hadn't folded back when she said that, I never would have noticed they were sitting on top of her head.

I barely had time to process the ears thing before I realized how she had addressed the one speaking to her. I slowly shifted my gaze to the 'Princess' as their exchange continued. "I understand your frustration, but I'm not the one you should apologize to." She maintained the same gentle smile on her face as she turned towards me. "Now, if you would join us over here, we can all introduce ourselves properly and explain what has happened... Is something bothering you?"

Indeed, something was bothering me. It wasn't her absurdly long multicolored hair blowing in some non-existent wind. It wasn't the wings folded behind her shoulders just like in many paintings of angels. It wasn't even the ridiculously huge horn extending from her forehead and ending in a needle-sharp point. That she appeared to be a seven and a half foot tall amazon woman? Such minor details were immaterial at that point. It was the same thing that was bothering me about each of the other six aliens in the room (who were all looking at me expectantly when I counted them). It was the reason I finally decided I'd had enough and pulled my blanket over my head.

"You're all naked." I don't think I could have been any clearer about the source of my discomfort.

"Uhh, we don't normally wear clothes." Apparently I wasn't clear enough. To top it all off, I could no longer remember which voice answered to what name. All I knew was that the one that provided this insightful, but disturbing, piece of information had a slight southern accent.

"I was wondering about that, actually," claimed the voice that had saved me from my near-suffocation earlier. "Clothes are not completely unheard of, but articles that cover up a cutie mark are reserved for only the most formal of occasions. I admit I am rather unfamiliar with what you were wearing when you appeared, but I do hope you weren't in the middle of something important."

A quick self-inventory revealed that I, too, was naked underneath the covers. 'Crap.' Unable to parse the implications of what the newcomer had said, I settled on a simple, "What?" as a response.

"Well, the doctors removed it when they examined you, so I took it upon myself to make sure it was properly cleaned. It's on the shelf in the nightstand behind you."

Taking great care to not let anything out from under the covers, I turned and made my way to the opposite side of the bed. Sure enough, my boxers were neatly folded on the shelf and smelling faintly of flowers. The scent must have been the laundry detergent. I wasted no time in pulling them under the covers with me and putting them back on. "Thank you," I replied.

"Oh, think nothing of it. Although, now I really am curious as to what you were doing before."

"Uhh, I was sleeping," I revealed.

That line of discussion went on hold when the 'Princess' spoke up, "As much as I would like to learn more about you and where you come from, I think I would like to know your name first. Would you be more comfortable if we had blankets as well?"

I hesitated for a moment to think about her question, if only for the chance to collect my thoughts. Here I was with nothing but boxer shorts and a blanket between myself and a bunch of big bouncy boobs bequeathed to a bunch of disturbingly humanoid aliens who, for all I knew, had kidnapped me from my own apartment and were all just waiting to pounce and have their way with me. Of course a round of introductions were in order.

"It would be less distracting," I kept my reply simple just to avoid lying. I certainly wasn't comfortable with the situation, and nothing short of waking up in my own bed would reduce that discomfort.

"Very well then," she said without even the slightest hint of hostility or malicious intent. After that, I heard dresser drawers being opened and then some rustling around from the sitting area. A few seconds after the rustling stopped, I risked a peek from my own blanket shelter to see if the coast was clear.

I raised an eyebrow when I noticed all of them wrapped in blankets similar to mine. "Where did all those come from?"

"Oh, we keep plenty of extra sheets, blankets and pillows in our guest rooms in case they're needed." The 'Princess' then gestured towards an empty seat, "Now then, if there are no more distractions, would you mind joining us over here?"

"We brought food!" added the pink one, pointing at a very large serving cart loaded with more kinds of food than I've ever seen outside of a grocery store. She continued on without pausing, "We didn't know what you liked, so we just brought a little of everything, well not everything, just as much breakfast stuff as we could fit on the cart, because we figured you just woke up, so you'd want breakfast even if it's past lunchtime, and we're sharing, so if there's something you don't like, we can eat it instead, so you don't have to be sad about letting food go to waste."

I only listened to about half of that before I tuned her out, pulled the blanket free from the bed, made my way to the edge, and stood up to get a better look while keeping myself wrapped up. It was more like a buffet with various pastries and fruits, as well as some odd items like a couple of coconuts and multiple melons. On the end of the cart were two gigantic jugs of milk to complete the whole layout.

Ignoring the massive buffet for a moment, I walked over to the empty chair. I was tired of the constant distractions. "First thing's first. Who are you, and how did I get here?"

Chapter 2) You're Gonna Do What?

In the absence of a clearly defined agenda, keeping a conversation with eight participants on track is practically impossible. Sure, introductions are pretty simple to pull off regardless, but anything beyond that is basically a crapshoot. One person thinks they're asking a simple question, but all they receive is an ambiguous answer that only raises more questions. Those questions are met only with looks of incomprehension. Lines of discussion go off on tangents with no hope of recovery. And before anyone can stop it, a bunch of naked aliens (who, despite some oddities in their appearance, are very easy on the eyes) get into a heated argument about whether they should be walking like ponies or like minotaurs in their transformed state.

"Are they gone yet?" I asked from behind my blanket blindfold. Yeah, the view would have been lovely, but I wasn't about to spoil the dignity of alien ladies who, as far as I could tell, had no idea why their nudity was causing such problems. I do at least attempt to behave like a gentleman most of the time.

"They're gone," Twilight replied, "You can uncover your eyes now."

"Thank you, now we won't have so many distractions bouncing all over the place." The only ones left in the room were me and the two Princesses, Celestia and Twilight Sparkle. The sheets and blankets that had been discarded during the arguments were now folded and stacked neatly on one of the empty chairs. I reached over to the main table and picked up my breakfast plate before turning back to Twilight. I wasn't about to let a decent cinnamon roll go to waste. "Now, where were we?"

"You were about to explain why we should call you 'Bill' instead of 'Richard', 'William', or 'Mr. Johnson'."

"Because it's shorter? I really don't see why that's such a big deal." I couldn't figure out why these 'ponies', as they called themselves, would make such a big deal out of something so trivial.

"Because we just met!" She responded emphatically before continuing, "I know I have a long name too, and that's why I'm OK with everyone calling me 'Twilight', but only my family and closest friends are allowed to shorten it beyond that. By insisting that I call you 'Bill', you're asking me to act like we're already best friends."

I guess nicknames are serious business around here, but I had my own objections to express. I still owed them an explanation of why their nudity was so bothersome. "While we're on the subject of cultural differences, how about I enlighten you about my problem with you being naked?"

"Yes! Please do!" She shouted back, clearly angry about something. "And then, you can explain it to my friends while you're apologizing for kicking them out! Honestly, you shouldn't make such a big deal out of something so trivial."

Celestia interjected before I could make my retort, "Twilight, there's no need to shout. Let him speak his piece. Losing our tempers won't help us resolve the matter at hoof here."

I was surprised at the purple one's reaction to the gentle rebuke. Her ears folded back as her expression immediately went from anger to contrition. "Sorry," she apologized before turning back to me.

I didn't wait for a prompt to start talking, "OK, I want to clarify something first. Even given the size of this room and all the extra furnishings, it is, for all intents and purposes, a bedroom. Is it not?"

Twilight nodded in the affirmative, but raised an eyebrow at the same time. "Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?"

"Context," I replied simply. "If this were a locker room or communal bath, I might be able to write it off as just an oddity or a fluke. Where I'm from, men and women generally bathe separately, but that's beside the point. It could also be a doctor's office, but that wouldn't explain why you're all naked too. This isn't either of those. It's a bedroom, and there's really only one thing that happens when everybody in the room is a naked adult. You are all adults, right?"

"We are, but I don't see what that has to do with...," she trailed off. I guess that she finally realized what I'd been trying to say. "You mean, you thought we wanted to...," once again, she stopped mid-sentence. Finally, she kept it together long enough to complete the thought, "You thought we wanted to mate with you?"

The look on Twilight's face could best be described as somewhere between shock and horror. Her mouth simply hung open after she had finished speaking, and it didn't look like her eyes could open any wider.

Celestia, meanwhile, had a more thoughtful expression that shifted to a slight smirk when she glanced over at her counterpart.

I decided to rub it in a little more, just to get the point across. "Actually, it was a bit more than just showing interest. By the time two people are naked together, it generally means they're done with all those silly games where they each try to figure out if the other is interested. They're finished with all the foreplay, and it's time to get down for the main event, so to speak. Part of me was just waiting for one of you to pounce and start having your way with me."

I didn't think it was possible for someone to blush like that with a face covered in fur, but Twilight demonstrated otherwise as she sputtered out her rebuttal. "Y-you didn't think we would really do that, did you?"

I leveled a glare at her, "No, I didn't think you would, but my thoughts weren't matching up with what I saw. And for the record, I didn't ask for all of your friends to leave, just the ones who were being loud and obnoxious with their arguing. I couldn't even get a word in edgewise to ask the one thing I've been wanting to ask this whole time."

"Wait," Twilight interrupted, "If your question was so important, why didn't you ask that one first?"

I continued glaring at her while gesturing towards the door, "Like I said, distractions."

"Well, let's hear it, but I think I can guess what you're going to ask."

"Why am I here and not in my own home? How did I get here, and what does any of this have to do with your supposed transformation? You call yourselves ponies, but you don't look like ponies. To me, you look like humanoid aliens with a few pony-like features, and the only evidence saying otherwise is your word for it."

The two Princesses shared a Look. It wasn't some ordinary look that could mean anything. This was a Look with a capital 'L'. That kind of Look only means one thing. I was in for some seriously bad news. Mentally, I braced myself for the worst.

"Umm, I hate to interrupt, but it's time for the patient's checkup now that he's awake." I couldn't figure out if an interruption was better or worse than bad news.

I looked over to the door to identify the newest obstacle in my quest to find out what the hell was going on. What I saw was another pony-person whose body was a very light pink that could almost pass for white. Her hair was a more vibrant shade of pink but still on the light side. On top of her head, I could see a horn, which meant she was one of the unicorn types I was told about before the earlier conversation descended into chaos. She was leaning on a small cart with a few things that I couldn't tell the purpose of from a distance, but it appeared she was also using it to support her balance just as much as to carry her supplies. I also noticed that she was wearing a small nurse's hat marked with the all-too-familiar red cross. Conspicuously absent was any other form of clothing.

I buried my face in the palm of my hand before looking sideways at Twilight and Celestia, "You can't be serious."

Celestia stood up and gestured for Twilight to follow her, "I apologize for this, but we must excuse ourselves during your medical checkup."

"Oh, no you don't," I shot back. "You're not going anywhere until I get my answers."

"We don't plan on going anywhere. We will be waiting on the balcony." I opened my mouth to tell her where to stick her empty promises, but she cut me off. "I understand your frustration, but while you are here, we are responsible for your health and safety. We will answer all of your questions as soon as Nurse Joy is finished."

I just scowled at the two so-called Princesses as they walked around the end of the bed toward the balcony curtain. Twilight struggled to balance herself on two legs, while Celestia appeared to have no problems at all despite any claims of being a quadraped turned into a biped well over 7 feet tall and still wrapped in a bedsheet. I watched the two of them until they stepped through the curtain separating the balcony from the rest of the room before turning around to face the new arrival.

I regarded the nurse silently as she made her way to a chair across from mine. The marking on her hip was a red cross with a white heart in the middle which, upon closer inspection, matched the emblem on her hat. She carefully shifted her weight from the cart to the chair before twisting around to take her seat, giving me a splendid view in the process. I tried not to stare, but her mid-sized mammary mounds, though they were smaller than most of the ones I'd seen since waking up, squished together perfectly between her arms as she leaned on them for support. Her tail kept most of the goods downstairs hidden, but that still didn't leave much to the imagination, especially once she was turned back around and trying to get comfortable in the chair. In the process, I got a good view between her legs. For a second, I thought I saw her lady bits tighten, almost like it was winking at me.

'If I didn't know better, I'd say they were doing this on purpose.'

Upon completion of the impromptu peep show, her horn started glowing a light pink color, and a clipboard and pencil surrounded by the same glow floated off the cart towards her.

'I'm just gonna take a wild guess that glowing horns and glowing objects are connected somehow. Maybe it's related to this so-called magic they keep talking about.'

I cleared my throat to get her attention. My patience had been exhausted a long time ago, and I just wanted to get this over with and get my damn answers.

"Oh," she started, finally realizing I was waiting on her, "Where are my manners? My name is Pink Joy, but everypony just calls me 'Nurse Joy'. I've been in charge of your medical care since you were first brought here."

I could at least handle an introduction. Since paperwork was involved I decided to give my full name, "The name's Richard William Johnson, but I go by 'Bill'. How long is this going to take? I kinda have other things on my mind right now."

"Oh, it's nice to finally meet you, um... Bill." I guess Twilight was telling the truth about having someone call me by a shortened version of one of my names. The nurse was definitely blushing when she paused to address me. Thankfully, she recovered after a quick shake of her head, as if clearing away distracting thoughts, "I just need you to answer a few questions, and then I need to take a few tissue and fluid samples. It shouldn't take long at all."

"Couldn't you have taken the samples while I was unconscious?" In the back of my mind, I knew asking questions would delay things, but my curiosity would not be denied.

"I did," she stated, "but I don't know if you being awake now will affect my analysis, and there are some samples that I can't get unless you are awake."

"Alright," I relented because I was done stalling. "Let's just get this over with."

"Okay then," she smiled as the glowing clipboard rose from the armrest and moved in front of her. "Now, some of these questions might sound silly, but I've never treated anything like you before, so I had to make assumptions."

"Fair enough," I conceded. "Ask away."

"What is your species called?"

"Human."

"Is it normal for you to only have hair in certain parts of your body?"

"Yes."

The first several questions were mostly innocuous, and I answered them mechanically. Yes, I consider myself in good health. No, I haven't been forcibly shapeshifted recently. No, nothing physically hurts right now. Soon, though, she got to questions with a little more substance.

"I had a look at your teeth and scanned the contents of your stomach before you woke up..." she trailed off, looking hesitant to ask her question. "Do you need meat as a part of your diet?"

"Yes, I do. Is there a problem?" I inquired, "And how exactly did you see what was in my stomach?" I'd pretty much resigned myself to the idea that the alien doctors would be poking and prodding while I was asleep, but pumping my stomach seemed a bit too far.

"Just a little magic spell," she said in a cheerful tone, as if she expected me to just accept it at that, but before I could follow up, she answered my other question, "and no, it's not a problem. The palace often entertains dignitaries of other races that eat meat. But the kitchen doesn't stock any unless they're expecting such guests, so they'll have to order some from their suppliers, and you may have to wait a couple days."

"I can live with that," I sighed, "but what was that about magic spells and other races?"

"And I thought you just wanted to get this over with," the nurse shot back with a hint of smugness.

I quickly shook my head to clear out distracting thoughts. For some reason, I kept falling into the trap of idle chatting. I chalked it up to the alien nurse's nudity. Boobs have a way of clouding one's thoughts, sending parts of the mind off on tangents before the rest of it can reel them back in. I let my frustration show when I responded, "I do want to get this over with, dammit." For my own benefit, I added at the end, "We can satisfy our curiosity later. Let's just deal with the critical stuff right now."

"Oh," she perked up, "Then we're done with the questionnaire and ready for the samples."

"Hold on," I interrupted. "Before I let you start poking and prodding whatever you want, just what do you want all these samples for?"

In response, I just got a deadpan stare which I returned. It helped that the clipboard was positioned in a way that blocked my view of her chest. If it weren't, the effect would have been ruined.

"I'm guessing you haven't been told you're under quarantine?"

"Well, it wasn't exactly obvious given the number of visitors I've had."

"Well, you are under quarantine," she emphasized. "Only the medical staff, the Princesses, and those with permission from the Princesses may enter or leave this room. Once we're sure there's no danger to you or the public, the quarantine will be lifted."

"OK," I conceded. As much as I hated the situation, I had to admit it made sense. "What's first?"

"Actually, could you move over here?" she gestured at the couch next to her chair. "It'll be easier if we're closer together."

It was the request I'd been dreading all along, but once again, cold logic prevailed over ingrained cultural instinct. If needles were going to be involved, I would certainly want the nurse wielding them to be able to see what she was doing. Reluctantly, I got up and walked around to the couch the nurse had indicated and seated myself.

As I sat down and adjusted my blanket to keep it from hanging on the floor, I hadn't noticed that Nurse Joy was also relocating to the couch. The exact second I looked up, I was greeted by a pinkish-white butt emblazoned with a red cross that had a white heart in the middle moving directly toward the spot currently occupied by me. I corrected this by scrambling as fast as I could to the opposite end of the couch.

The sound of my movement got the nurse's attention and drew a small snicker. "Oh, there's no need to be shy," she teased.

"You were about to sit on me." The thought wasn't an unpleasant one, but that part of my head was too busy confusing contexts for me to trust its judgment. Still, I could feel the heat rising in my face.

"Oh, I'm sorry then. I guess I wasn't paying attention," she said, turning to face me. "I just... Is something wrong? Your face is all red. Are you getting a fever?" Her tone shifted to concern as she spoke.

"NO! No. Everything's fine, really. Everything's perfectly fine," I answered frantically.

Apparently, I wasn't as convincing as I had hoped. Now, the nurse was making her way toward my end of the couch, on her hands and knees with her breasts hanging down, tantalizingly obscured by her upper arms. They swayed in time with her crawling as she approached.

"Are you sure?" She closed in and pressed herself against my blanket defenses while reaching up to my forehead. I had nowhere to retreat from the advance. She was close enough that I could feel her breath on my cheek, and if it weren't for the blanket, she would have seen exactly how 'perfectly fine' everything was. "If you're getting a fever, we need to get you out of that blanket to cool you off."

'Dammit'

"You're burning up!" she exclaimed almost as soon as she touched my forehead.

I didn't even have time to react as the same glow that had supported her clipboard before completely enveloped my only covering and pulled it open, exposing what I'd been trying to hide. My boxers now resembled a tent, much to my embarrassment.

Nurse Joy also noticed my situation, but instead of showing disgust, righteous indignation, or even professional indifference like a sane individual might, she started giggling. She did at least try to hold it in at first, but soon enough, the giggles became full-blown laughter. I couldn't really call it a belly laugh, because she didn't have much of a belly to speak of. Still, her jugs, jiggling gently with jocularity, ensured that my traitorous member remained standing at full attention.

Thankfully, the nurse pulled away and shifted herself to lean against the back of the sofa while she continued her assault on my pride. Meanwhile, I slowly pulled the blanket back over myself, curled up, and prayed for death. I'm not exactly hung like Seabiscuit, but that's no reason to make fun of a guy.

"Oh, it's not that bad," she tried reassuring me, after catching herself. Now she was back to intermittent giggling. "I just think it's funny that you think it's such a big deal."

'Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. Let it all out. I didn't need my dignity anyway. Wait, what?'

"Really, it's nothing to be so embarrassed about. I'm a medical professional, and this isn't the first time I've treated a stallion. This isn't even the first time I've seen your penis. Who do you think examined and cleaned you while you were still asleep?

'Your bedside manner needs work.'

"Uhh, what?" Once again, I found myself unable to articulate my thoughts.

My inquiry went unnoticed. The nurse continued speaking as she turned to retrieve something from her cart. From my angle, it looked like a small cup with some kind of stretchable collar around the top. "Besides, I need a sperm sample anyway, and with you already erect, I only have to cast one spell instead of two. It's also better to get it before the blood draw anyway."

"Wait, what?" I asked again, louder this time.

What I assumed to be the sample cup floated over to me courtesy of the nurse's horn glow. The collar looked like something to hold it on the end of my dick and keep anything from spilling out. "I'm taking a sperm sample. Just attach the sample cup to the end of your penis, and I'll cast a spell that causes immediate ejaculation."

"You're gonna do what!?" I couldn't believe my ears. I'd been giving this whole magic thing quite a lot of leeway, but I sure as hell didn't trust it being used on the most delicate part of my anatomy.

The nurse finally paused, as if she had just noticed my misgivings, and gave me a level stare, "I'm going to cast a spell on you. Just make sure you get it in the cup and don't spill any."

"Hell no!" I replied emphatically. "I'm not letting you use magic on my junk. I don't trust it or you that much."

"I assure you, it's completely harmless and painless, but if you'd rather do it the hard way, you can take these into the bathroom and provide the sample yourself." As she said this, a pair of what could only be magazines flew out from one of the lower shelves of the cart. I snatched one out of the air to confirm my suspicions.

On the cover was a pair of pony-like creatures striking what I assumed were meant to be provocative poses. While they still weren't quite like ponies from Earth, there was definitely more resemblance than the aliens I'd seen so far. Idly, I flipped through a few pages and saw the sort of things one might have seen on the Discovery Channel way back before it became total crap. Clearly,  Playcolt was the type of publication sought by adolescents for the insightful and thought-provoking articles.

I'd seen enough, so I pointed to the proffered pony porn periodicals and proclaimed, "Sorry nurse, this isn't gonna cut it. Any other options?"

"No," she said flatly, "It's either that or the spell. I got to where I am by being a professional, and I don't plan to stop now."

'Says the nurse who just laughed her tits off at my boner.'

"Fine," I sighed, resigning myself to the inevitable. I reluctantly opened my covers and exposed my manhood. The collar on the cup stretched out easily enough, and I let it retract around the shaft of my dick. "Let's just get this over with before I go limp."

I could see the smugness written on her face at that. She just said, "Alright, hold still please," before her horn started glowing.

I just barely noticed the matching glow around my dick when everything erupted into a world of pain. I'm no expert on torture, but on a scale of one to red-hot nails being jammed up my urethra, this was a solid nine. Naturally, I expressed my discomfort.

I don't know how long or how loud I was screaming, but by the time the pain subsided, and I had calmed down, both Princesses were back in the room. The nurse was practically in tears sputtering out apologies to anyone in earshot.

Meanwhile, I became vaguely aware of the now filled sample cup still hanging from the end of my penis. How it had stayed on there was a mystery, but I didn't care. Fortunately, there didn't appear to be any physical damage, and it was a small consolation that I wouldn't have to go through the ordeal again. I detached the container and set it on the table in front of the couch before pulling my covers back around me.

When Nurse Joy noticed me moving around, she was at my side in an instant, wrapping me in a hug while apologizing profusely for the mishap. I barely registered the contact and said nothing in response. Instead of going back out to the balcony, Celestia decided to supervise the remainder of my checkup.

Luckily, the rest of the sample collection went smoothly. Everyone was worried about whether or not the blood draw would elicit the same amount of agony, but there was no problem at all. I figured as long as no one used magic on me directly, I wouldn't have the bad reaction. I said nothing the whole time and just provided whatever they wanted to take: saliva, hair clippings from various spots, even fingernail and toenail filings. The nurse also wanted a urine and stool sample, but since I didn't have to go, she just left a collection kit and instructions before packing up her cart and leaving.

Once again, I was alone with the two alien Princesses, and there were no more pending interruptions to stop me from getting the answers I wanted. I, of course, had already jumped to my own conclusion based on recent events.

'I'm dead, and this is Hell. This is all punishment for some grievous sin I must have committed in life.'

Celestia brought my mind back into the present by interrupting my internal monologue, "I imagine you are tired of waiting on answers to your questions by now."

"That's putting it mildly," I deadpanned, "Let's hear it."

In response, Twilight Sparkle spoke up, "It's my fault. I was experimenting with trans-dimensional magic that would let me observe other worlds. A couple months ago, I found your world. It caught my interest because it defies our conventional theories about what is needed for..."

"You're getting off topic," I cut her off. It might have made for interesting conversation, but I wasn't in the mood to tolerate any more tangents. "What did you do?"

To her credit, the purple Princess recovered quickly, "Like I said, I took an interest in your world, and after observing for a several weeks, I thought it might be safe to attempt a portal. Four days ago, I tried opening one, but something went wrong. The anchor for the portal started absorbing all the magic. I had no choice but to cancel the spell and pull back on the link."

"I can see where this is going," I interrupted again. "I'm going to take a wild guess that I was the 'anchor' you were talking about?"

Her ears folded back as she hung her head in shame. Even her voice lowered, "When it was all over, you were on the ground, unconscious in the spot where our end of the portal would have been. Our transformation was a side effect of the backlash."

At this point Celestia added her commentary. "What she says is true. However, I cannot allow her to accept all responsibility for what happened. My sister and I authorized her attempt to open a doorway between our worlds, and we also lent our power to Twilight and her friends in doing so. We, too, share much of the blame for what happened."

Twilight's eyes went wide as she turned to the other Princess. I could see her mouth starting to form words of protest.

Celestia simply held up a hand, presumably to forestall any arguments. "We can discuss this in private later."

Twilight conceded before turning back to me, "We know what went wrong, so we'll be able to send you back, but we can't until we find a way to release all the magic you absorbed. Is there anything else you want to know?"

"Later," I said. There were plenty of questions I could have asked, but I already had enough to process as things stood. I'd only been up for maybe an hour and a half, and I was already feeling drained. "I just want to be alone right now to think about all this."

"Are you sure?" Twilight asked, standing up and beginning to move in my direction. "If there's anything..."

"Get. Out." I cut her off again, this time with no small amount of anger in my voice.

"Very well. We will speak again later. Come with me, Twilight. Your friends are probably waiting on us." At that, the last of my alien abductors left the room.

Being dead might have been easier to deal with.

Chapter 3) Good Night

The Princesses' departure left me alone with my thoughts. Immediately, I began thinking about the situation I now faced. If I really was dead, then this was a fucked up start to my afterlife. It could also all be a dream, but the more time that passed, the less likely that possibility seemed to be. For starters, just thinking about the possibility of being in a dream should have ended it. I spent a few minutes trying to will myself awake anyway, just in case. It didn't work.

Out of boredom, I considered all the dream cliches I could think of. I may have been naked and in the spotlight, but so was everyone else, and I at least had a blanket to cover myself with. Given the physical proportions of most of the 'ponies' I had met and the fact that I had yet to see any males of their kind, it could have been one of those types of dreams. On the other hand, pretty much all we did was talk for about an hour. A dream would have taken a different track, and I surely would have woken up right when it got to the good part. I pressed my tongue against my teeth, but they were all firmly rooted in place, not likely to start falling out on their own any time soon. Finally, I got brave enough to step out on the balcony and noted its height above the ground and, more importantly, its structural stability. It would certainly be a long fall, more than long enough to wake up from a bad dream, but it appeared just as solid as the palace it was built into.

While I was thinking about the balcony, it occurred to me that I was technically under quarantine still. I shouldn't have had a balcony open to outside air. I soon noticed a very faint, reddish-purple bubble surrounding me. Looking across to one of the other towers, I saw banners and flags swaying in what looked like a fairly strong breeze, but I couldn't feel a thing from where I stood. Maybe it was some sort of barrier, probably more of that 'magic' the aliens were talking about before. Tentatively, I reached out to test my theory. I was somewhat apprehensive due to my earlier experience, but all I felt was a transparent wall.

There wasn't much else worth noting on the balcony, just a bench and a pair of planters that stood empty. While the bubble seemed to block wind and solid objects, it must not have been intended to insulate temperature differences. There was a definite chill in the air, even more so than inside.

'I wonder if this place has seasons like Earth does,' I mused to myself as I stepped back inside.

Earth. Home. With everything going on since I woke up, it hadn't really hit me that I was somewhere far away from home with no way back. Now there were no such distractions.

How long would it take for someone to notice I was gone? School was already out for holiday break, so no one would notice my absence from class. I didn't have a job, because I had plenty of money to live off of while attending classes, and work would have drastically cut into my study time.

How long before my family realized something was amiss? I wouldn't be able to return their holiday calls, and I wouldn't be visiting them now that I'd been abducted by aliens. Surely, they would figure it out by then.

If nothing else, my landlord would definitely notice me failing to drop off my rent check, but that wouldn't be for another couple weeks.

It was overwhelming: thinking of home, my family, my friends. I had no way of telling them I wouldn't be around for the holidays. I couldn't even tell them I was alive and, for the most part, okay. I let myself fall onto the bed, wrapped myself tightly under the covers, and cried my eyes out into the pillow.

I got up when I realized I needed to use the bathroom. I must have zoned out at some point, because when I looked up, the sun had already set, and another food cart had appeared in the sitting area. I was a little hungry, but food could wait while I took care of business. Unfortunately, it meant leaving the blanket behind and braving the chill of the room.

The bathroom looked like it was built for a person half my size. The counter was barely higher than my knees, and the top of the mirror was right around eye level. Luckily, whoever dropped off the food had thought to leave the stool and urine sample kit on the counter, presumably to remind me that I still had to give those samples if I ever wanted to leave the room. As luxurious as my accomodations were, I didn't want to spend all my time locked up here, alone, with nothing to do but dwell on my situation. I began to regret sending the Princesses off, if only because then I would have had someone to talk to.

The 'toilet', as far as I could tell, was little more than an oddly-shaped basin that rose about a foot out of the floor and had a seat with a U-shaped channel at the back. I had to squat down to make sure everything went where it was supposed to. Then, I opened up the collection kit and tried not to make a mess out of the whole thing.

While I tended to nature's call, I looked around the bathroom. Thankfully, the bathtub was big enough to accomodate someone my size, and it even had a showerhead that I might be able to fit under. On the counter was everything I needed to maintain basic hygiene. I had a toothbrush, toothpaste, a small selection of soaps and shampoos for the bath, and a few hairbrushes of different sizes. I would've preferred a comb, but I could probably ask for one later. Washcloths and towels of various sizes hung on racks in appropriate places. Since this was a guest room in what I assumed was their royal palace, everything had ornate gold trim and looked as clean as if it were on a showroom floor.

I got worried when I noticed that there wasn't any toilet paper, but then I found a pair of levers within easy reach that had diagrams next to them to indicate their function. One indicated a mass of liquid going down a drain, so I guessed that was the flushing lever. The other appeared to be a jet of water directed at the backside of a pony-like figure. I'd never used a bidet before, but I had some idea how they worked and could recognize one if I saw it. Apparently, alien toilets had them built in.

Upon completing my business, I left the collected samples on the counter and washed my hands in the sink. I had to do it in an awkward kneeling position because everything was so low, but given the design of the fixtures, the diagrams on the toilet levers, and (more vividly) the images in their porno mags, I found it easier to believe that the pony-aliens really were transformed quadrapeds. What I'd seen so far didn't make any sense otherwise.

I walked back out into the main room and headed towards the food cart. The layout was similar to  the one earlier. This time, the spread resembled something more like a salad bar with all sorts of leafy greens and other raw vegetables laid out. There were even a few flowers to choose from. However, what stood out to me was the note leaning against a bowl of what looked like spinach.

Bill,

I wanted to apologize again for what happened earlier, but I didn't want to disturb you while you slept. Words can't express just how sorry I am for causing you pain. It violated everything I stand for as a practitioner of medicine. If I had thought there was even the slightest possibility you would react the way you did, I wouldn't have insisted on using the spell. I have informed the others that until we learn more about its effects, the use of magic directly on you is strictly prohibited unless your life is at risk.

I know a simple apology letter may not earn your forgiveness, but I hope you can at least understand that we don't intend to harm you.

Sincerely,

Pink Joy

In truth, I hadn't really thought much about the incident with the nurse since I found out the circumstances of my arrival. Sure, it hurt more than anything I could remember, but it was only temporary. I had bigger problems occupying my mind. Whether or not I would see my home again stood chiefly among them, and from my position, there was dick-all I could do about it.

One thing I could take care of was how hungry I was after everything I went through since waking up in this crazy place. The cinnamon roll, while very tasty, hadn't done much toward filling the void in my stomach. I pushed the food cart towards the bed, so I could shelter myself from the cold while I gathered my meal.

Most of the cart looked like a salad bar minus the bacon bits, but everything had a clear lid or cover over it, most likely so I could see what it all was without leaving all the food exposed for hours. That didn't really appeal to me very much. I didn't get over six feet tall by eating rabbit food, and I didn't intend to start now. Fortunately, I found something more suitable on the end. I made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and stuck it on a plate with some potato chips. I also poured myself a glass of water to wash it all down with.

I decided a little change of scenery might help me clear my head while I ate. I took my blanket and my meal out to the balcony so I could eat under the stars.

The bench was wide enough for me to sit with my legs folded up in front of me, and I made sure to wrap myself up completely to keep the cold out. I still left gaps for my hands to hold onto my food and drink, but I managed to not freeze. A clear sky allowed the stars to provide plenty of light for me to see while I ate.

My guest room must have been at the back of the palace, because the balcony overlooked a nearly vertical cliff face that dropped into a wide valley below. I could see small clusters of lights in the distance that I guessed were towns or villages.

I was only a few bites into my sandwich when movement in one of the other towers caught my attention. Judging by the multicolored hair, I realized it was Celestia. I couldn't see the expression on her face, but I noticed her looking in my direction before heading back inside. I paid no mind and continued eating, shifting my attention back to the stars.

I wasn't much of an astronomer. The only constellations on Earth I could identify with any confidence were Orion and the Big Dipper. Still, I knew deep down that that didn't matter, because I wasn't on Earth, and none of the constellations would match anyway. I was just stargazing for lack of anything else to do, and having something pretty to look at helped to calm my thoughts.

Several minutes later, as I finished the last remains of my meal, a new voice addressed me, "Would you like some company? I have wished to speak with you since my sister informed me of your waking."

Only slightly startled, I turned to see who had addressed me. Another one of the alien females met my eyes with a gentle smile on her face. This one had a horn and a pair of wings just like Celestia and Twilight Sparkle, but her coloration was a dark shade of blue. Her hair and tail, which resembled the night sky, blew in the same non-existent breeze that Celestia's did. She was also naked, but that was par for the course so far. However, that didn't stop me from quickly looking away before I replied, "Yeah, sure, I don't mind."

The newcomer apparently picked up on my reaction, because she asked, "Do you truly find our lack of adornment so disturbing?"

I hesitated to answer. Although it was nice to have someone to talk to, this wasn't a conversation I wanted to have right now. I just gave a noncommital grunt in response.

She tried a different tack, "I notice you still retain your coverings even when alone."

"It's cold," I said.

"Winter begins in a mere fortnight," she stated. "If you are cold out here, then perhaps we could go inside?"

"It's cold in there, too. Besides, I'd rather be out here right now. Staring at the walls gets boring after a while."

"Very well. Then I shall join you out here. Pity you cannot see my Moon from this side of the Palace. It is quite magnificent this night." I detected a hint of pride in the mysterious pony-woman's voice.

"Just who are you, anyway?" I asked, tired of not having a name to put with the voice.

"I am Luna, Princess of the Night." As she introduced herself, she sat down next to me.

"You can call me 'Bill'," I replied, more out of politeness than anything else. She didn't talk like a doctor or nurse, so it only made sense that she was a Princess.

"It pleases me to make your acquaintance, Bill, though I understand if you do not share my sentiment." As she said that, she draped her wing over my shoulder, wrapping it around and pulling me closer.

I tensed at the contact. Like Celestia, Luna was definitely bigger than me, and I didn't want to take my chances in a physical struggle. Her being naked didn't help things either. On the other hand, the chill that had been starting to penetrate my defense was completely cut off by the added layer.

"How considerate of you," I replied, after a brief pause, "but don't get too friendly with me. I just want to go home as soon as possible."

"And you shall be returned to your home world with all due haste, once we have learned a way to proceed."

'That's what the other ones said,' I thought to myself.

Luna continued, "You can relax as well. If you mean what I believe you mean when you say, 'Don't get too friendly,' know that I have no intention of, 'pouncing and having my way with you,' as you so eloquently phrased it to my sister and her student." She sounded amused, but I wasn't sure. I'd been making a point to not look at her since she sat down, instead rotating my focus between the sky, her wings, and various points on the floor.

So the royal family weren't all related by blood. Thinking back to my interactions with the other two, I assumed Celestia was Luna's sister, and Twilight Sparkle was the student. Although Twilight did most of the talking, Celestia was clearly in charge, judging by how everyone deferred to her. I also picked something else out of Luna's words, "They told you about that, did they?"

"They did, along with everything else that has transpired since you awoke."

I didn't raise my voice, but I did let my anger put an edge on my reply, "Then you should know that after all the crap you and yours have put me through since I've been here, you're lucky I'm even being civil."

The Princess took a deep breath and let it out before she said, "I am grateful for that much. It is our genuine desire to help you."

"But you don't know what you're doing any more than I do." I'd had several hours by myself to think about things, and I wasn't about to accept empty words.

After another pause, she finally admitted, "I cannot refute your words."

"Then the least you could do is tell me what you're doing and why. I deserve that much. None of this taking what you want from me while I sit here without a clue. I'm no doctor, but I wasn't born yesterday. I know blood test results don't change just because I woke up."

Once again, Luna hesitated, probably thinking about what to say next, "After your ordeal with the ejaculation spell, I see no reason to conceal our purpose. You are indeed correct that the collection of those samples was not to determine the safety of lifting your quarantine. We are looking for ways to extract the magic you absorbed when the portal to your world collapsed. Due to its unique nature, we cannot do so by more direct means."

My mind flashed back to Nurse Joy's spell. "Speaking of which, do you even know how your so-called magic affects me? I don't want a repeat performance of before."

"The magic you absorbed should be harmless, as it has no will attached to it. As for the incident in question, the nurse did not anticipate your sensitivity to magic, which greatly amplified the effect of her will on the effect of the spell."

That answered some things, but only raised more questions, "Why didn't she anticipate it?"

"There was a miscommunication between the guards and the medical staff." Luna paused, but took my silence as a cue to elaborate, "When we attempted to open the portal, we did so in a remote location. When the spell failed, you laid unconscious in our circle, and we thought it best to transport you here for examination. The guards responsible for your transport reported that you began to stir during your transit. They cast a dreamless sleep spell in order to avoid having to deal with a panicking creature with unknown capabilities. The spell should have worn off after a few hours. Instead, it lasted four days."

'In other words, the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing. Typical.'

Oblivious to my internal musing, the Princess kept talking, "Make no mistake, the doctors and nurses charged with your care were not chosen lightly, nor were the guards who accompanied us to the portal site. Their report contained every detail. It was simply not delivered to everypony who needed to see it. That error has since been corrected."

"Well that's one mystery solved," I mumbled to myself.

"What do you mean?"

"Huh what?" I stammered before catching myself and finding some words to fill the gap. "Oh, I'm just trying to make sense of what's happened."

"I see," Luna replied. "May I ask you something?"

"Sure," I conceded, seeing no harm in a little conversation.

"Why have you not looked at me since we have been talking?"

Now it was my turn to be confused, "What do you mean? You're naked. Didn't the others tell you about that?"

"They did, but I do not believe that is the underlying cause for your discomfort."

"How do you figure that?" I asked, not too thrilled about being psychoanalyzed by an alien. "Please enlighten me about my own thoughts and feelings."

"The nurse showed you a pornographic magazine did she not?"

"Yes," I confirmed, wondering where Luna was going with this.

She continued, "The ponies in that magazine were naked, and yet you reported no arousal at all from the images inside. If the absence of clothing was sufficient to explain your reaction to Twilight and her friends, then you would have been aroused."

"So what do you think it is?"

"I believe it is our resemblance to females of your kind. Am I wrong?"

'Shit.' I wanted to argue, but she had me dead to rights on that one. On top of that, it brought my mind around to the thoughts I'd been trying to ignore for the entire conversation. Except for the tails and the wings, everything from their knees up to their shoulders and down to their hands was close enough to human women that it made no difference to the more primitive parts of my brain. If anything, certain aspects were slightly exaggerated to enhance their appeal, much like how a photo in an ad might be altered to make the model more attractive. Granted, there was an added weirdness factor due to the layer of dense, short hair covering their whole bodies, but in this case, that wasn't enough to distract my traitorous libido.

While I hesitated, Luna stretched her legs out into my field of view and said, "Take your time to think about it."

I was thinking about it alright, and while sifting through the mental images from earlier in the day, I noticed things that I hadn't been paying attention to before. The similarity definitely ended at the knees. They still had hooves where a person's toes would have been. I could also see what was most likely the remnants of the pony body structure in what were now their heels (or whatever those backwards knee things on a horse were called). It gave the impression that they were all trying to walk around on their tiptoes. 'Small wonder they can't walk around without tripping over themselves.

That just left their faces. They didn't fit neatly into either the 'human' or 'pony' category. Sure, there were some vaguely pony-like features such as ears on top of the head and a short muzzle. There were also human features. The style and placement of their hair wouldn't be out of place on Earth (disregarding the colors of course), and they were able to show the full range of human facial expressions, unlike any ponies or horses from back home. So, they weren't completely human, but they weren't completely pony either. The overall effect was alien, but not unappealing.

After a few minutes, I finally broke the silence and sighed, "Fine. You're right. Happy now?"

Luna hooked a finger around my chin and turned my head to face her. "There is no shame in admitting when you like what you see."

Shifting uncomfortably, I moved my head back to face forward again. "But that doesn't make it any less distracting," I countered.

"That is something you must learn to deal with. You are a guest, not a prisoner. At sunrise, your quarantine will be lifted, and you will be free to come and go as you please."

In response, I just closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

At that point, someone else made her presence known on the balcony. She was one of the night nurses checking to see if I was still there. I couldn't see her from where I sat because Luna was in the way. I waved a hand out to confirm my presence, and that seemed to satisfy the nurse.

"It is getting late," Luna stated. "Perhaps we may continue this tomorrow."

I opened my mouth to reply, but all that came out was a big yawn. I guess being out cold for four days didn't do much for fatigue.

"Get some rest. The others will likely ask you to join them for breakfast in the morning."

"Fine," I finally grumbled, getting to my feet as soon as Luna removed her wing. I made my way inside ahead of her.

Once inside, I started rummaging through the dressers that Twilight Sparkle and her friends had gotten their blankets from before. My current one was covered in bread and chip crumbs from my lunch-slash-dinner-slash-midnight snack.

"What are you looking for?" the Princess asked as I finished searching one that was full of nothing but bedsheets.

"A big, heavy comforter," I replied. "With the room as cold as it is, these thin blankets aren't gonna cut it."

"You shall find them in the tall wardrobe to your right."

"Uhh, thanks." I walked past another low chest of drawers to the wardrobe Luna pointed out. It also had a thinner blanket like the one I'd been wearing as a robe all day. I took one of those too, just for good measure.

Luna spoke up again, "Would you mind if I helped myself to some of this food? I am feeling rather peckish at the moment."

"No, I don't mind," I said absently. I was focused on more important things than a food cart stuffed with more food than I could put away in a whole week. I laid out the clean blankets on the bed without looking up while the Princess browsed the selection of salad ingredients.

'With any luck, I'll wake up back in my own bed, and all of this will have been a really strange dream.'

"If you will excuse me, I bid you good night," Luna said, apparently done assembling her snack.

I just grunted in acknowledgement as I made my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

"And Bill," she got my attention. I actually turned and looked, having been addressed by name. For once, I actually managed to focus on her face. Surprisingly, the look in her eyes gave the impression of sadness, or possibly regret. "If I may offer some advice from a pony who has learned the hard way, you do not have to be alone if you choose not to be."

I just stood there, unsure of what to say. Before I could find any words, she strode to the door and out of the guest room.

I went back to brushing my teeth. After that, I downed another glass of water and then climbed into bed to try and get some real sleep. Luna's parting words still sounded in the back of my mind.

'What did she mean by that?'

Chapter 4) Only If You Give Them Meaning

Morning sunlight greeted my eyes, so I returned the greeting in the way any sane person would. I wrapped a corner of the bedsheet around the top of my head in order to cover my eyes so I could go back to sleep. To my great disappointment, the bed I slept on was still two sizes too big for me rather than the other way around. This meant that I was still in alien fantasy land and not at home.

"Oh, Richard," came a singsong voice from the direction of the door, "it's time to wake up." Speak of the devil, it was that purple witch responsible for my whole predicament.

My answer to that was to pull the rest of the covers over my head, leaving only a small gap for breathing fresh air. I would not succumb to the morning without a fight.

"Come on," she continued in her cheerful tone, as if that would entice me. "Don't you want to get out of this room? You're not under quarantine any more."

"Outside will still be there in two hours."

"But breakfast won't be," she said, irritation beginning to creep into her voice.

Tempting, but I still had an ace in the hole. These ponies still didn't know that I was a bachelor and a college student, and that granted me the amazing ability to skip meals and subsist entirely on junk food.

After a couple minutes, Twilight cracked first. "We don't have time for this!" she snapped. I could feel the tugging on my covers before the heavy comforter finally came free. I still had the blanket underneath, but the edges had been pulled loose. I scrambled to pull them back in, but the she-devil was faster. "Get up!"

"Cold!" I exclaimed, oblivious to her concerns. Luckily, the comforter was still within reach despite having been yanked off of me before. I pulled it back around me for warmth as I finally sat up, glaring daggers at my tormentor. "Alright, I'm up."

"Good, the others are waiting for us in the dining room, so do whatever it is you humans do in the morning, and I'll show you the way down there," she said, reverting back to the insufferably cheerful voice and smile of a morning person.

My stomach chose that particular moment to make its hungry noises, ultimately defeating any protest I could have raised. Grudgingly, I made my way to the side of the bed. While the sunlight took the edge off the cold room, I still needed to ease my way out from under the covers.

'Crazy nag, thinks she can order me around.'

After brushing my teeth and using the toilet, I beelined for the dresser I'd found all the bedsheets in last night. I selected one that felt thick enough that I wouldn't freeze to death in what the ponies considered 'room temperature'. I began wrapping it around myself in a way that it would stay on and keep me covered and warm while still giving me freedom of movement.

The nag had other ideas. "You're not going down there wearing a bedsheet," she deadpanned.

Without stopping what I was doing or turning to look at her, I fired back, "I'm not going down there naked."

"You have clothes."

"My skivvies don't count, and I'll still be cold." Clearly, explaining the concept of underwear to a nudist alien would be an uphill battle.

"I'm not letting you go to breakfast dressed like that."

"I can wait." It was finally my turn to lay on the smug, "Because I have absolutely nothing else to do all day, and you can't keep me in here any more because I'm not under quarantine."

Two minutes later, I stepped out of my guest room with Twilight in tow. Technically, the purple Princess was supposed to be leading me out, but she still had trouble with walking. Although, it was amusing to watch her try using her wings to compensate for lack of coordination on two legs. On the plus side, I had new things to look at, so I took in my new surroundings while my breakfast guide caught up.

Across the hall from my room was another bedroom, but instead of one big bed, there were four smaller ones on the far side. I could see a pair of them occupied by sleeping nurses, probably off shift. Where the sitting area would have been in my room, there was what looked like a conference table (but lower to the ground) that had several books and stacks of paper.

"Can I help you?" a nearby voice inquired, nearly causing me to jump out of my sheet.

Regaining my composure, I turned in the direction of the voice and saw a nurse leaning on a desk. I quickly turned my head away once I confirmed that, like all the other nurses, she wore nothing but a hat. "N-no thanks," I stuttered, "I was just looking around."

"Well, as you can see, we've turned this room into a little doctor's office, so if you need anything, don't hesitate to stop by. One of us will always be here to help."

A question came to mind just before I turned to leave. I had to ask because I knew it would bug me until I got an answer, "There is one thing. Where is the doctor? All I've seen so far are nurses."

"Oh, Doctor Stable is probably hiding in his lab testing the samples we collected. He prefers not to meet his patients if he can avoid it.

'So that leaves the nurses to do all the real work.' I nodded in acknowledgement and then walked back out. Twilight had finally made it out of my room and was now walking down the hallway ahead of me.

"If you wander off and get lost, I'm not stopping to find you!" she shouted at me.

I said nothing and set off behind her. What the nurse said had put more thoughts into my head. She referred to the doctor as a 'he'. I ran a quick mental inventory of all the ponies I'd seen so far. If they really were ponies, then that would make the horned ones unicorns and the winged ones pegasi, but the Princesses all had horns and wings, so that would make them winged unicorns (or horned pegasi). In any case, they were creatures straight out of legends and fairy tales back on Earth. The problem was that they were all female. The only variety I had yet to see was the pony with a penis.

'The mythological male,' I thought to myself.

The distance between my room and the dining room wasn't very far, but with Twilight leading the way, progress was slow. I quickly got bored of looking at the decor, which pretty much fit my idea of generic palace fare. The columns and banners weren't of much interest, and the tapestries depicted a bunch of four-legged ponies doing something or another that I couldn't be bothered to go on about. At least there was carpet I could stay on. I didn't want to take chances with how cold the bare stone parts of the floor were. With the sightseeing accomplished, I decided to pass the rest of the trip pestering Twilight with questions.

Much to my chagrin, she was all too eager to indulge my curiosity. I just idly mentioned the unbelieveable unlikelihood that two completely different species from two completely different worlds would somehow be able to speak the same language. That prompted a history lecture about an event in the pre-tribal era, long before Celestia and Luna were born (as if that was supposed to mean anything to me). I couldn't follow all the details (something about something called the elements of harmony), but the end result was that whenever someone speaks, their words would be understood. In my mind, I just boiled it all down to, 'Like the story of the Tower of Babel, but backwards.'

We eventually rounded the final corner, and Twilight indicated the room where food awaited. However, I quickly took interest in what was standing outside of that room. On either side of the door stood a pony with cropped hair and short tails. They were roughly the same height as me and had no breasts, sporting a more masculine build instead. Also, they had the same color scheme, unlike the females I'd seen so far: blue hair and tails with white hair covering their bodies.

"They do exist," I blurted out as I moved past Twilight to get a better look.

"What are you talking about now?" she asked with mild irritation.

"Males," I replied.

"What's so special about them?"

I turned back to her and raised an eyebrow. "I haven't seen any until just now. I was starting to think they didn't exist."

One of them let out a small chuckle while my back was turned. "Permission to introduce ourselves Princess?"

Twilight just nodded, and I turned back to see who spoke.

"I'm Sergeant Scud Runner, and this is Corporal Raincloud. You must be the alien they quarantined in the guest wing."

"Yep," I confirmed. "You can call me 'Bill'."

"Introduce yourself properly, Richard," Twilight interrupted. "Tell him your full name."

I shot the Princess a dirty look while thinking, 'Make me.' Instead of speaking my mind directly, I let out an exasperated sigh before responding, "Are you still going on about the name thing?"

All she did was glare at me with her arms folded across her chest, but the way her tits squished together kind of ruined the effect.

I turned back to the Sergeant to avoid losing my composure, rolling my eyes in the process. "My name is Richard William Johnson, but I prefer everyone calls me 'Bill'."

The Sergeant just smirked and nodded, offering a fist. I bumped it with my own, assuming it must be their world's equivalent of a handshake.

I figured I could ask them a couple questions to learn more. As a bonus, it would probably annoy Twilight as well, so I counted it as a double victory for myself. "How am I supposed to tell you two apart? You both look the same."

"I'm the one who can stand up straight," said the Sergeant. I glanced over at the other one, noting that he, like the nag behind me, was using his wings to balance himself.

"And how come you look the same, anyway? Everyone else has wildly different colors."

"The guards' armor is enchanted to give them a uniform appearance while on duty," came the voice of a certain someone who decided to interrupt again.

That earned another raised eyebrow from me. "But they're not wearing any armor."

"That's because they were transformed too. Their armor doesn't fit any more."

The Sergeant cleared his throat, "Codpiece still fits."

'At least someone around here has their priorities straight. Although, I wouldn't trust that kind of magic that close to the family jewels.'

I craned my neck to get a look at the Corporal. He hadn't said anything yet, probably because he was to busy not falling over to join the conversation. Still, I didn't want him to feel left out. Sure enough, there was a piece of metal covering his gentlemen's area in much the same way as a jock strap. Something looked a bit off, though.

"It looks kinda flat," I thought out loud. "Does it really all fit comfortably under there?"

Once again, the Princess of interruptions did her thing, a little louder this time, "Oh, for the love of... They're sheathed, so nothing sticks out like it does on you."

"Wait!" I exclaimed, suprised at this new revelation. "You mean they can just tuck it all away when they're not using it?"

"Yes," she answered, clearly frustrated, as she was now facepalming.

'Now that's just not fair,' I thought to myself, considering how much easier life would be if I could hide inconvenient boners.

"Can we please just go inside?" Twilight continued, oblivious to my inner musings.

"I'm not stopping you," I said innocently. "It's not like I'll get lost going through a door."

The look of pure hatred on her face made my morning complete. Then she closed the gap and shoved me towards the door. "Get in there!"

To their credit, the two guards had already resumed their stoic expressions and were looking straight ahead.

I managed to get myself turned back around and facing the right way while Twilight kept her hands on my shoulders, partly for balance, partly to keep me moving forward. Upon clearing the door and seeing what awaited inside, there was another problem. I stopped and stood there, transfixed, caught like a deer in the headlights (high beams, to be precise), six pairs of them.

A seventh set of headlights rear-ended me, "What is it now?"

"They're all staring at me."

"That's because we're late. If you hadn't stopped to talk to the guard..."

I cut her off, "If you hadn't been walking so slow, I wouldn't have had time to get bored."

"You were the one who wouldn't get out of bed!"

"You wasted time trying to make me come down here naked."

"YOU HAVE CLOTHES!!!"

The other Princess in the room cut me off from telling Twilight how wrong she was by clearing her throat. "I'm happy to see you two getting along so well, but perhaps you could join us for breakfast?"

A loud 'Pop' went off next to me, followed by another one at the far end of the table. After the brief flash of light, Twilight appeared behind Celestia and took a seat between her and the white unicorn, whose name I'd forgotten. For my part, I just stood there with my jaw on the metaphorical floor from what I'd just witnessed.

"Don't just stand there. We saved ya a seat," chimed a friendly voice. The orange pony it belonged to pointed to a vacant spot between herself and the yellow one. I'd forgotten their names as well, so I decided to refer to them as 'Applebutt' and 'Butterfly' until I could relearn all their names. I figured I could work off of their butt pictures until conversation revealed their actual names.

I steeled myself and walked to the indicated seat. 'Just think of it like a strip club. Yes, they're all naked, but that doesn't really mean anything.'

Like the bathroom counter, the table was low, which meant I had a cushion on the floor rather than a chair. I parked myself between the two ponies and surveyed my food options. I went with blueberry pancakes, scrambled eggs and a glass of orange juice. The only thing missing was bacon. Come to think of it, that was a pretty glaring omission.

Despite my attempts to shut out everything except the food on my plate, one of the ponies got my attention by speaking up. I looked up in time to see the white one with dark purple hair addressing me, "Pardon me, Bill. I couldn't help but notice you're wearing a bedsheet. Is that normal for your world?"

"Well," I paused, considering my next words carefully, "No. Humans normally wear clothes all the time, but I don't have any right now, so I used this instead."

She closed her eyes for a moment. "I know what it's like to not have the clothes you want, and with everypony transformed like this, the clothes we have don't fit any more. Still, we wouldn't have minded if you hadn't worn anything."

"I would have minded. Didn't Twilight explain this to you yesterday?"

"She did," the pony confirmed, "and I agree with her that you overreacted."

For some reason, Twilight was giving me a smug look from across the table. I just gave her my best 'This isn't over' face, which only increased her smugness. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Rainbow Dash whispering into the white pony's ear. She whispered something back, and the two shared a giggle.

'Better watch it around those two.'

"And really," the rainbow-headed pony chimed in, "a bedsheet? What's wrong with what you had?"

"I was cold," I finally let out, not in the mood to explain underwear.

I suddenly felt a warm body press against my right side. "Well, why didn' ya just say so? Me and Fluttershy can keep ya warm."

I felt another warm body brush gently against my left side after she spoke. I admit that having two ponies squeezing me in from either side did wonders for keeping me warm. However, things were warming up for entirely different reasons as well.

"Well done, Applejack." Even Celestia was jumping in on the act. "Now our chambermares won't have to clean and restock his bedsheets every day." The mischievous look on her face told me all I needed to know about how red my face was.

I knew the score. Seven humanoid aliens were pressing the advantage of an astounding array of arousing assets. I could see from the giggling on the other side of the table that they knew exactly what they were doing. I was completely defenseless, but that didn't mean I wouldn't go down fighting.

"And besides, you've probably never heard of a toga party," I blurted out. Yeah, even I didn't know where I was going with that one.

I suddenly became aware of a third warm body leaning into my back. Two pink arms draped themselves over my shoulders and pulled me into a tight embrace. "I want to know all about these toga parties," came a whisper in my ear.

"Th-they're nothing," I stammered desperately. "Forget I said anything."

"Awww, but that's no fun," the voice cooed. "You can tell me. I just want to know what a toga party is."

"Well, uhh..." I trailed off, trying to grasp any semblance of a coherent thought. "Everyone shows up wearing a toga and gets drunk, and there's loud music. Not much more to it than that." After I said that, I couldn't shake the feeling that I had just made a horrible mistake.

"Alright, girls, I think he's had enough." Twilight spoke up finally with a shit-eating grin. The ponies invading my space backed off at her word.

'And not a moment too soon. I think I was close to a little seepage there.'

"You fight dirty," I said, glaring back at the newly appointed bane of my existence.

"It wouldn't have worked if you didn't make such a big deal out of it." She punctuated her retort by sticking her tongue out at me.

"I didn't tell you about my concerns yesterday just so you could abuse it for laughs at my expense."

Rainbow Dash decided to add her two cents, "Oh c'mon! Don't tell me you're one of those boring stiffs who can't take a little teasing."

I said nothing and went back to eating breakfast. I hoped to escape the torment by refusing to participate.

With no further entertainment coming from my seat, the others broke off into their own conversations while they ate. I managed to overhear the names of the other two ponies whose names I had forgotten. Hopefully I wouldn't forget again. One would think that with such distinctive appearances, it would be easier to remember names. If anything, that only made it worse. I would always be doomed to remember faces instead of names.

At least I got something out of the whole breakfast ordeal. Rarity offered to take me to a friend of hers who specialized in tailoring clothes for stallions. Given my current wardrobe, I couldn't exactly refuse.

"So, what now?" I asked the room at large once the background noise had dropped off.

"Well," answered my least favorite pony, "We were hoping you could help us with walking on two legs. I also want to test a theory about releasing the magic trapped inside you. It's not very likely, but if it works, it could let us get you home that much faster."

To my surprise, her proposal was actually reasonable enough that I couldn't think of any objections to it. All I said was, "Okay."

As we were all getting up to leave, Celestia pulled me aside. "There is one more thing, Bill. My sister wishes for an audience with you in her private chambers. I can take you there and let the others know you'll be joining them later."

I let her lead me down a different hallway than the one leading back to my room. Unlike the walk down, my guide had no trouble matching my walking pace. She walked beside me and used her hand on my shoulder to wordlessly direct me towards our destination. Meanwhile, I puzzled over exactly what Luna would want to talk to me about and why she would invite me to her room instead of a more neutral part of the palace. Celestia, for her part, seemed content to leave me to my own thoughts, which was fine by me.

We made good time on our trip to Luna's room. As we approached, the door opened, with Luna standing just inside in all her naked glory. I already knew they were both taller than I was, but standing near them both made me feel smaller than I've ever felt in my entire adult life. The only way I could describe it would be to compare them to women of average height (and above average breast size) with everything scaled up until they were the same height as basketball players. These two ponies, unlike all the others, had been turned into freaking amazon women. My eye level fell somewhere just below Luna's chin, and if Celestia ever pulled me into a frontal bear hug, I'd be motorboating a pair of knockers at least as big as my head.

"I am glad to see you again, Bill." Luna's voice shook me out of my momentary distraction.

I looked up at her, caught off guard and unsure of how to react. "Oh, uhh... Nice to see you too," I hesitantly replied. I could feel my own embarassment rising in my cheeks as I averted my gaze.

'Smooth.'

Celestia walked over to her sister, and they began speaking quietly to one other. I took the time to survey the room. The general layout on the lower level was surprisingly similar to my own. There was a giant four-poster bed on the far side and a sitting area closer to the door and all kinds of dressers and whatnot lining the walls, but that was where the similarities ended. The decor had a distinct 'Moon and Stars' theme going for it where my guest room was more 'generic opulence'. There were stairs up to a second level in place of a direct exit to a balcony. I drifted over to the circle of chairs taking everything in while the two Princesses chatted.

I barely had time to sit down before they finished talking about whatever it was they were talking about. Celestia left to do whatever it was she did during the day, so once again, I found myself alone with her sister.

"How was breakfast?" Luna asked as she made her way over and took a seat opposite from me.

I paused for a moment to consider my response. "The food was good."

"And what of the company?"

Judging by her quasi-innocent tone, she was directing me to the topic I wanted to avoid. "Celestia told you about that, did she?"

"Indeed, we keep no secrets from each other. However, I would like to hear your thoughts, and I would prefer to see your face when you address me."

The way she spoke caught me off guard. She had been more relaxed last night, but now, I kind of felt more like a child being scolded.

"Well?" she prompted.

"They were a bit more," I paused while simultaneously trying to think of an appropriate word and keep my gaze above her neckline, "friendly than I was expecting."

Luna raised her eyebrow at that but said nothing. I did my best to maintain a neutral expression, but if the warm sensation in my face was any indication, I'm pretty sure it didn't have the intended effect.

The Princess finally broke the awkward silence. "They know why you get so flustered around them."

"I know. It just doesn't seem normal that they could just shrug it off, though."

"It is not normal. It is most likely a side effect of our transformation." At my questioning look, she elaborated, "Do not misunderstand. Twilight Sparkle and her friends are friendly mares in their own right, but we have heard from many of our subjects about mares feeling as if they were in heat since being turned into this new form."

"And what does that mean, exactly?"

"Generally, when a mare goes into heat, she is able to mate and bear foals."

I wasn't quite sure how to feel about that particular revelation. "In other words, they're all ready and willing to go for it."

It took a moment for Luna to process my words, but I assume she got the idea when she recoiled as if slapped. "Absolutely not!" she exclaimed. "There are, of course, subtle changes in demeanor, but we would not have built our civilization were we slaves to such base instincts. Try to think of it as us being a little more open-minded, more accepting of strangers in our midst, and more willing to forge new relationships. A small show of light teasing was their way of inviting you in, so to speak."

I closed my eyes and rested my forehead on my hand while I thought about it.

After a few seconds, I heard Luna take a deep breath and say, "I see that words may not be sufficient." I looked up in time to see her rise from her seat and gesture for me to follow. "Come with me. I will show you what I mean."

I followed the Princess through a passage under the stairs. I was about to ask where she was taking me when I caught a glimpse of what was in front of us.

My question was anticipated before I could even collect my thoughts. "You and I shall take a bath together."

I stood there in stunned silence. The word she used was 'bath', but 'swimming pool' was the first thing that came to my mind. At a rough guess, I'd put it at around a third of an Olympic-sized pool. Although, most swimming pools don't have steam rising from the surface in between mounds of soap bubbles.

The room that housed it was also rather impressive. The near side continued the 'Moon and Stars' decor that dominated Luna's bedroom. The far side bore a brighter, sunny look, and there was another entrance over there as well. Even the vaulted ceiling reflected the contrasting themes.

"This is the royal bath I share with my sister. It was built to be a gathering place for nobles and palace staff as well, but they have never shown much interest. You mentioned communal bathing to Celestia when you first awoke, therefore, I believe this will help me demonstrate my point."

"Which is?" I asked, growing more nervous by the second.

"That nakedness means nothing in this world." Luna was already in the water moving towards the other end. "Do not waste time. The water is fine, and you can easily stand on the bottom. If you have not joined me in two minutes, I will pull you in whether you are dressed or not."

It didn't help that her back was mostly turned. She was still walking at an angle, so her wings and tail didn't hide everything. As the water rose above her knees, I couldn't help but notice the curves of her body even more as she moved toward what I assumed was the deep end. It made it that much harder thinking about what I was going to do.

"And do not even think about running away," she called. "I have magically locked both entrances."

I took my only remaining option. A wet bedsheet not only wouldn't keep me warm, it would most likely no longer provide the desired level of concealment. As for the boxers, they don't do much good for hiding boners anyway, so getting them wet wouldn't help either. I found a conveniently located stone bench and discarded both. I just had to get in deep enough to crouch down before the gentle psycho turned around.

Luna must have taken my haste for eagerness, because when she did turn around, she just smirked at me.

'Or, she's just fucking with you, like the others were.'

At least the water was hot enough. "Alright, I'm in the damn water. Now will you tell me why we're doing this?"

She became serious once again. "As I said before, I intend to demonstrate that nudity and proximity need not result in carnal knowledge, as that seems to be your main concern given our appearance. But in our world, most ponies choose to forgo clothing, and because the clothing that exists does not fit our new forms, you will be surrounded by naked mares. There is no avoiding it unless you choose to isolate yourself in your guest room, never coming out and spending your entire time here bored and alone. Until we find a way to right the wrong we have committed against you, all we can do is provide you with food, water, and shelter. We bear no obligation to alter our society merely to appease your sensibilities."

"You didn't have to drag me in here just to say that," I pointed out.

"Indeed not. I wish to accomplish one other thing before I retire for the day."

I should note how difficult it is for a human male to maintain his bearing while sharing a bath with an alien princess given absurdly sexualized human features by unquantifiable forces. Not even I was capable of such a feat. I couldn't even maintain eye contact.

"I need your assistance with cleaning my wings." She lifted herself out of the water just enough to unfurl them, letting the water drain off the trailing edges. I'd never seen any of the winged ponies with their wings completely opened, and for once, I could take my eyes off the more feminine parts of her anatomy. At a rough guess, I'd put Luna's total wingspan just short of twenty feet. "In this body, I cannot reach the ends to properly straighten the feathers." She held out a strange brush-comb thing to emphasize her predicament before reaching over to hand it to me.

I suddenly found myself conflicted. On one hand, who did this pony think she was asking me to do favors like that for her? On the other hand, it would help distract from other parts of her body that may as well have had signs painted on saying, 'Your **** here.'

"But I don't know how to do this properly," I said, taking the offered feather-straightening device.

"Worry not. It is very simple. I shall guide you along the way."

"Is this even appropriate?"

"It carries no special meaning. My sister and I often preen each others wings, and many pegasi will do it for their friends as well."

I was skeptical, but I started where Luna pointed out on her left wing. The water wasn't an issue since it just ran straight off. All I had to do was align the feathers, and the preening brush (as Luna called it) made the task a one-pass job. I finished the left wing in just a few minutes despite the large span.

As I made my way over to do the right wing, Luna spoke up again. "What if I told you that allowing another to preen her wings is one of the most intimate gestures a pegasus could make?"

I paused a moment to consider what she said along with everything else I'd seen and heard this morning. "I'd say you're just fucking with me now," I finally decided before continuing to brush.

"Now you are learning," she sounded pleased. "Such gestures are significant only if you give them meaning."

"Then what's the intended meaning here?"

"That is for you to puzzle out on your own."

I looked up at her only to see the most impish grin on the dark Princess's face I'd seen so far. At my reaction, she lit up her horn and took the brush out of my hand, letting it hover in front of my face for a few seconds and then resuming the job of preening her wings with her magic instead. She closed her eyes and began humming a tune to herself.

I slowly backed away just in case she decided to demonstrate other 'meaningless' gestures.

"You are dismissed. I will see you again on this evening."

I didn't question it. I just got the hell out. Oddly, a towel that hadn't been there before sat next to my bedsheet and boxers. I dried myself off and got dressed (at least what passed for dressed around here) before making my way out.

I left Luna's room even more confused than I was when I walked in.

Chapter 5) Don't Tell Anyone

I considered my options after leaving Luna's bedroom. There wasn't anyone waiting for me outside, so I figured there wasn't anything urgent. I vaguely remembered Twilight mentioning something about something, but I couldn't remember what it was. By my reasoning, it must not have been very important if I couldn't be bothered to remember it. Either way, I had no idea where she'd gone off to, and I was mad at her to boot, so I saw no reason to actively seek her out. I also could have just gone back to my room, but that would mean more staring at the wall until either someone wanted me or lunch time came around.

'Well, I've got this great big palace to get hopelessly lost in. Perhaps some aimless exploration is in order.'

With that decision made, I set off. Although, getting myself hopelessly lost proved to be more difficult than expected. The two big Princesses' rooms shared a dead-end hallway (assuming by layout that the only other room belonged to Celestia). Beyond that, the layout was rather simple. I'd remembered passing two atriums with stairs on the way to and from breakfast, but hadn't gone up or down either of them. The dining room was pretty much right in the middle, presumably for the Princesses to dine privately with their personal guests. There were other hallways leading out from the atriums, but they seemed unremarkable, probably more rooms for the Princesses' more favored guests.

Finally bored of wandering around upstairs, I decided to try my luck downstairs. Sure, that meant I'd be risking more awkward pony interaction, but I'd rather deal with that than the suicidal boredom of waiting in my room for something to happen or someone to want something from me. At the bottom of the stairs, I picked a hallway and resumed my wandering.

As I walked, I startled at least a few of the guards, but they made no effort to impede my progress. When I asked one of them about it, he said that the guard was aware of my presence in the palace, but I walked much more quietly than he expected.

'Score one for soft feet.'

Eventually, I reached what must have been the entrance hall. It was another atrium, but instead of stairs to the upper levels, there was a giant door with more guards around it than I'd seen anywhere else in the palace. Across from that was another large door leading to what I decided was the throne room, if the number of guards inside and the dais at the far end was any indication.

I briefly considered looking around outside, but then I realized that while I could stick to the carpet inside, outside would be nothing but bare ground or stone pathways, and I wasn't quite ready to test that with my bare feet yet. Instead, I headed to the throne room.

There was a brief misunderstanding at the door with the herald, something about needing an appointment, among other things. After a little attitude adjustment, he was ready to announce my attendance to the royal court. A guard who had stepped away as soon as the argument started returned to inform us that Princess Celestia was ready to see me. I glanced up to see that she had indeed taken her place atop the dais.

'At least she has the decency to cross her legs.'

As instructed, the herald announced my entrance. "Presenting His Eminence, Sir Dick Willy Johnson, Emperor of the Pen Islands."

One of the guards flinched as I stepped right on past the point where the herald had wanted me to stop and kneel, but Celestia waved him off and gave me permission to approach. She maintained a neutral expression at least until I reached the top step and sat down about an arm's distance away from her, turning to face the room as I did so.

"Do you have an issue that needs my attention, Sir Johnson?" I could practically hear the smirk in her voice.

"Nah, I'm just bored," I replied. "No one was waiting for me when I got done with Luna, so I tried getting lost, but it didn't work."

"We genuinely meant it when we said you are not a prisoner. Besides, didn't Twilight say she had something for you?

"I think so, but I can't remember what. If it was so important, she could've waited for me outside Luna's room."

"Perhaps she expected you to return to your guest room? I believe she sent Pinkie Pie up there to wait."

"She expected wrong," I said flatly. "I don't plan to spend my time here as a shut-in."

"Even if our customs make you uncomfortable?"

"Luna's already given me plenty to think about on that front. I get that it's your world and your rules, and I can live with that. It's just..." I trailed off while considering my next words, "It's easier said than done. Now that I've had time to think it over, I get what you were all trying to do at breakfast. Individually, it was just a little flirting to try to lighten the mood and make me feel less awkward, and if it was just one or two of you, I might have handled it better, but with all seven of you doing it and Twilight acting like a ringleader, it's just overwhelming and has the exact opposite effect."

"Are you upset at Twilight?"

"Of course I am. She's most of the reason I'm stuck here, and on top of that, she keeps trying to order me around."

"Did you forget that my sister and I are also partially responsible?"

"No, but at least you two actually listen to me without interrupting. Luna seems to enjoy leaving me with riddles, but she doesn't mince words on the important stuff. Twilight, on the other hand, just decides things and acts like I'm the jerk for not going along with it. It's like she sees me as an inconvenience rather than a person with my own thoughts and opinions."

Celestia paused briefly before replying, "My sister has her reasons for approaching matters the way she does, but her story is not mine to tell. As for my student, would you like me to relay your message to her, or would you rather tell her yourself?"

I really should have seen that one coming. It was an obvious bait question, but there was no way in hell I would pass up the chance to give that pony a piece of my mind. "Where is she now?"

"Most likely in the banquet hall," Celestia replied. "That's where Twilight, her friends, and the rest of the palace staff have been practicing how to walk on two legs since every pony was transformed."

Rather than showing me the way personally, Celestia gave me directions to the banquet hall and sent a messenger up to my room to collect Pinkie Pie. Meanwhile, she went back to doing Princess stuff. The route was simple enough. If I'd continued my aimless wandering instead of dropping in on the Royal Court, I likely would have found my way there on my own. At least I had a purpose now.

The sight that greeted me when I arrived was a strange one to say the least. At first glance, one might have mistaken it for a bedroom supply warehouse given the number of mattresses and pillows piled up all over the place. Then, I finally saw Twilight and company practicing their bipedal gait in a sort of walking course between mattress mounds and pillow piles. I quickly learned the reason for all the bedding when Applejack tripped over herself and just barely managed to direct her fall enough to land on the nearest mattress.

Next up was Twilight. Since they hadn't noticed me yet, I quietly went to the nearest pillow pile and waited for her to start her walk. Then, I grabbed a pillow and chucked it at her. Since I was throwing from across the room, I missed horribly, which didn't surprise me in the least. It did, however, surprise its intended target, who jumped away from the impact point and landed on a nearby pillow mound.

"Using your wings is cheating!" I shouted at her.

"What? Since when?" inquired the incredibly irritated pony.

"Since half of your friends don't have them," I pointed out. "Celestia and Luna don't even flinch when they walk."

"Princess Celestia and Princess Luna have been around almost as long as our recorded history and have experienced things we can't even imagine."

"All of which are irrelevant to me," I proclaimed. Although, I made a mental note to ask about their ages later. "They are capable of walking without relying on their wings for balance. Therefore, you are capable of walking without relying on your wings for balance."

Our argument was interrupted by Applejack, "I hate to interrupt your bickering, but are you gonna help us learn to walk or not?"

"Well," I started to answer before pausing to think for a moment, "really all you can do is practice. There's not much for me to do other than supervise."

And supervise, I did. I watched each of them attempt a few more trips through their makeshift obstacle course before I got bored of throwing pillows at Twilight. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash also shifted their wings to adjust their balance, but it was very easy to find my attention directed elsewhere during their walks.

"Alright, I get it. You're mad at me," the purple one said after I'd finally managed to hit her with a pillow. "What do you want?"

"I want you to treat me like a person. I have my own thoughts and feelings about the situation I'm in. I'm fine with adjusting to an alien planet full of ponies who have no problem running around naked, but I'm not going to accept you just deciding without my input what I'm going to do about it. I may be a guest, but I'm not here of my own free will. I won't make unreasonable demands. I won't ask you to stop being you just for my sake, but I won't take orders either, and I won't stop being me just for your sake."

I knew I'd gotten my point across because by the time I finished chewing her out, Twilight's face could have gone in a picture dictionary under the word 'contrition', at least if I was reading her body language correctly. I was pretty sure that was what the scolded-child expression and and the folded back ears meant.

Satisfied from speaking my piece, I let the ponies continue their practice. Pinkie Pie eventually showed up, but when I wanted her to run the course, the others said she didn't need the practice.

"What do I win?" she asked, having completed the course while the others tried to argue with me. She didn't trip or even stumble, not even once.

"The right to supervise all future practice sessions," I replied. "Congratulations."

I then addressed the remainder of the breasts vying for my attention. "The pink one's in charge now. I'm taking a nap." At that, I got up and headed for the nearest pile of unused mattresses.

"But why?" came the inevitable objection from Twilight's general direction.

I had my answer ready before she even spoke up, "Because she has demonstrated that she is capable of walking around on two legs. There is nothing I could possibly tell you about it that she can't also tell you." As I pulled a mattress off the pile, I added one more thing just to rub it in, "And she doesn't even need wings to help balance herself."

Twilight just huffed at that and went back to her practice, yet another refusal to acknowledge that I'd won the round.

Upon my return to the waking world, I became aware of a hand gently stroking behind my ear and lightly playing with my hair. I also became aware of something sitting near my face. It wasn't touching me, but I knew it was there from how my pillow no longer sat level. Realizing it was probably one of the ponies, I thought about complaining, but that part of me was quickly shouted down by the more reasonable part. Whoever it was, their ear scratching abilities were top-notch, and the result made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I opened my eyes to see who my newfound company was, and all I saw was a wall of yellow with pink butterflies on it. After focusing my eyes to get a clearer view, I noticed the curves suggesting just enough firmness to hold the proper shape and just enough softness for all the squeezy, snuggly funtimes I could possibly desire. I briefly considered wrapping my arms around it, pulling it closer and burying my face in the fuzzy yellow and pink paradise.

'No, bad thoughts. Go away. You are not needed here.'

"Mghrhmm," I grumbled, eloquently indicating that I was now mostly awake and aware.

"Welcome back to Equestria," came Applejack's voice from some unknown direction.

"How long was I asleep?" I asked as I sat up, making sure to keep my covers wrapped around me. Not having clothes of my own would be so much easier if the locals' idea of room temperature weren't notably colder than mine. Then I would only have to worry about the basics.

"I reckon 'bout an hour judgin' by when you stared snoring."

"Lies," I replied. "I don't snore."

"And I don't lie. You ever come visit Ponyville, you ain't sleepin' at my place. With you and my brother sawin' logs, none of the rest of us would get any sleep."

I paid her no mind as I glanced around at my audience. "What are you all staring at?"

Rarity fielded that one, "Oh, we were just marvelling at how such a tall and indimidating figure as yours could be so adorable while sleeping."

I just glared at her.

"What? Too much?" she asked with just a bit too much innocence in her voice.

"Just a little," I replied. "Where are the others?"

"Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight all went ahead to make sure lunch is ready," Fluttershy answered. "We stayed to wake you up and see if you were hungry. I hope you don't mind."

Right on cue, my stomach answered her better than any words I could've come up with.

The walk up to the dining room was mostly uneventful, if a little slow. Watching the ponies trying to climb the stairs proved rather educational about just how difficult it was for them to adjust to their bipedal forms. I stayed at the bottom just in case any of them fell or otherwise needed assistance. I even managed to not let my eyes linger for an ungentlemanly length of time on any one set of lady bits. Before long, we were back at the dining room and taking our seats.

"I'm glad you decided to join us, Bill," Celestia addressed me almost as soon as I sat down. "I presume you've talked to Twilight about your thoughts on your treatment?"

"We've reached an understanding," I said simply.

"Good, because I have some news from the doctors about your test results."

"Then why isn't the doctor telling me about it in private?" I asked. "Or is doctor-patient confidentiality not a thing here either?"

"Not when it's a matter of sovereign interest, I'm afraid. Remember how we told you that we were far away from population centers when we attempted to open the portal to your world? Only Luna, Twilight and her friends, myself, and a select few guards were present for that. Yet the aftermath has affected every pony in Equestria. As Princess, it is my duty to ensure their well-being, and that gives me the right to know."

"Okay," I conceded grudgingly. "That excuses you, Luna, and Twilight, but what about these others?"

"Their level of involvement in the events leading up to your arrival also grants them need-to-know privilege."

I knew I was fighting a losing battle here, but that didn't mean I had to like it. "Who else needs to know?"

"The medical staff assigned to you, Luna and I, Twilight, and her friends all have need-to-know privilege, as well as Princess Cadance of the Crystal Empire."

I frowned slightly at the disturbingly long list of ponies who would be privy to my medical status.

Twilight took my pause to ask a question, "Was the Crystal Empire affected too?"

"Yes," Celestia confirmed. "In fact, she's currently preparing for an emergency trip here to discuss it."

"Great," I butted back in. "More Princesses, just what I need right now. Is there any more royalty I need to know about?"

"None of any importance," Celestia said. "Now would you like to hear the test results or not? The doctor says he found a non-fatal way to extract the magic from you."

'Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Hallelujah, I'm going home!'

"Well, what are you waiting for? Let's hear it!" I demanded, not bothering to restrain my enthusiasm.

"Alright, alright. I can see you're eager to find out. Let's see," Celestia paused while turning to the correct page in what I assumed to be the doctor's report. "The report says that the sperm sample was the only one that yielded any significant amount of the magic locked inside the patient's body. Recommend regular stimulation to climax as frequently as the patient's physiology will allow."

That wiped the smile off my face almost immediately. Glancing around, I noticed I wasn't the only one sporting a red face either. Meanwhile, alarm bells sounded alongside visions of Nurse Joy's insta-cum spell flashed through my mind. The pain from that was still fresh in my memory.

'Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope! Not gonna happen! Anything but that!'

I closed my eyes, took several deep breaths, counted to ten forwards and backwards in my head, and I still couldn't calm myself down after what I'd just heard. What should have been good news turned out to be the exact opposite.

A voice spoke up from my left side, just barely audible enough to register what was said, "Umm, Bill? Are you alright?"

I looked up and saw Fluttershy and the others giving me concerned looks. "I'll be fine," I sighed.

"Ya don't look fine," came Applejack's voice from my other side.

"Just give me a minute," I snapped back.

I closed my eyes again and tried to tune out the looks undoubtedly directed my way while I tried desperately to collect my thoughts. Silence reigned for what felt like several minutes.

"Can I just ask one thing from all of you?" I finally asked.

I didn't look up or even open my eyes, but everyone else in the room voiced their general assent.

"Don't tell anyone else," I said simply. In truth, I was affording them way more trust than I was ready to, but I just didn't have any other choice. If the powers in charge of this world had decided that they needed to know, then it was far too late for me to say otherwise. Still, I could try to control the damage.

"You have our word," Celestia said with surprising finality. "Except for those I've already mentioned, no pony will learn of this."

The conviction in Celestia's voice caught me off guard for a moment, but I recovered enough to reply, "Well, if it's all the same to you, I'd like your word in writing."

Unlike breakfast, lunch was somewhat subdued by a strange combination of tension and awkward silence. Although, given the bombshell recently dropped, that wasn't exactly surprising. I'd almost completely lost my appetite, but I still nibbled on a few assorted things. I excused myself early and went straight to my room thinking it would help clear my head if I was alone for a while.

I sat on my bed facing the balcony with the covers wrapped around myself and over my head. I don't know how long I'd actually been sitting there, but I wasn't any closer to sorting my thoughts out than I was before.

"Hey Richard," I heard Twilight call out from the door.

"What do you want?" I snapped. "I'd rather be alone right now if you don't mind."

"I'm just here to let you know my offer from this morning still stands. Just because we found one way to release the stored magic doesn't mean we stop looking for better ways."

"Wait, what?" Confused, I turned to address my visitor more directly. "What are you talking about?"

"Did you forget already? This morning I offered to help you try something that might fix this mess a lot quicker."

"Let's hear it then."

"Well, I figured that since you have all that magic sitting inside of you, the simple and obvious solution would be to see if you could cast it."

Simple and obvious: those two words that rarely describe solutions to complicated problems filled my mind with suspicion. However, it was also just crazy enough to work. Really, it could go either way.

"I'm listening. How do I cast magic?"

"It's not that simple," Twilight answered. "Since you've probably never done anything like this, we have to approach it like you're a novice, which means you have to clear your mind in order to properly concentrate."

My whole body sank at that revelation. "I've been trying to do just that for I don't even know how long now."

"Maybe I can help. When I was a little filly first learning to control my magic properly, Princess Celestia showed me a few relaxation techniques."

"Like what?"

"Umm, well," she hesitated, "I'm not sure about the best position for this body, but the idea is to concentrate on matching your breathing with mine. I think it would be best if you turned back around."

"Okay," I said. I wasn't sure where she was going with this, but I did as instructed. I only got more nervous when I felt her weight join mine on the bed, and before I could process that, I felt myself wrapped in an embrace from behind. The warmth was certainly not unwelcome, but the sudden physical contact and the mental image of what was now pressed against my back definitely had the opposite effect from what was likely intended. The conflicting thoughts set my heart into overdrive. I could almost feel it trying to pound its way out of my chest.

Thankfully, Twilight seemed to realize her mistake before I had to point it out. "Oops, sorry. Didn't mean to startle you like that. Would there be a better position to try this in?"

Pulling my mind out of the gutter for a moment, I replied, "Back-to-back maybe?"

There was a pause while she shifted herself around. There was another pause before she finally spoke up again, "Okay, this might sound like a silly question, but how do you fold your legs when you sit down like that? You've always kept them under your blanket when you sit down, so I haven't gotten a good look at it."

"You just cross your legs in front of you," I said, not having realized before that something I took for granted would cause this kind of trouble.

As she shifted around some more, I could just hear her mumbling something about Pinkie being right again. Eventually, she settled down and leaned her back up against mine. "Huh, this is actually more comfortable than I thought."

"So I'm just supposed to match my breathing to yours?" I asked, hoping to nudge Twilight back to the topic at hand.

"Yes, but I have to warn you about something. I don't want you to get your hopes up too high on this working, especially not the first time. The chances of you actually being able to cast magic are very slim."

Well that was a definite confidence booster. "Why?"

"It's because of where you came from, the reason why your world drew our interest in the first place."

"Why didn't you mention this before?" I asked.

"You interrupted. After that, there were too many other things to worry about."

"We have time now," I pointed out.

"Well," she began. "To put it simply, your world shouldn't be able to support complex life with such low amounts of ambient magic, let alone intelligent life capable of building a civilization. Your Sun is too close to the galactic center to benefit from the magic that's mostly concentrated in the outer arms."

The reasoning was simple enough once I thought about it for a moment. Since Earth didn't have anywhere near the amount of ambient magic as Equestria, it only followed that no creature from Earth would adapt to take advantage of it.

That still didn't stop Twilight from trying to explain how to try and connect my mind to the pool of it now inside of me. The problem came up when I couldn't understand what I was supposed to feel when I did. I just had no concept to go on.

Our conversation eventually drifted back to the subject of differences between our worlds. Apparently, when Twilight and Luna discovered our world, it turned everything they thought they knew about where life could come from on its head. From my perspective, it was a bit weird to think that humans and other life on Earth would be considered extremophiles by an alien race. It even made the blatant recklessness of trying to open an artificial wormhole between worlds understandable. If it hadn't been me on the short end of the stick, I might have even found it forgivable. In any case, once the effects of the initial failure were dealt with, academics from both worlds would have a field day learning from and about each other.

Unfortunately, apart from improving my mood, not much else was accomplished. I was no closer to casting magic than I was when I woke up from the botched sleep spell. Still, I made Twilight promise not to give up. Strangely, when she did promise, she recited some strange little rhyme and went through an even stranger pantomime that culminated in her punching herself in the face.

After that, she left to go get ready for dinner, which would be in the banquet hall rather than the dining room for some reason. My stomach loudly reminded me of how I'd neglected its needs at lunch, but I had some time to wash up first. I decided that at the very least, a shower was in order.

The sight that greeted me when I made it down to the banquet hall was definitely not what I expected. All the pillows and mattresses had been cleaned up and neatly stacked along the walls where they would be out of the way. There were now two tables near the center of the room, one covered with food and one with assorted drinks. I might have done a double-take at the party decorations scattered about if I hadn't noticed something else.

Applejack was the first to notice me staring. "Howdy, Bill. What do ya think?"

What I was thinking was a complete mystery to me at that moment due to a temporary shutdown of my mental faculties. All of the ponies had wrapped themselves in what might have been bedsheets at some point in the past but had since been cut down to something that could be said to resemble togas. Granted, one would have to take a certain degree of license with the definition of 'toga', but one generally doesn't nitpick these sorts of things when in the company of well-endowed female humanoids.

I eventually regained enough thought processes to form a coherent response, "Uhh, what is all this?"

"It's a toga party, silly." In my speechlessness, I hadn't noticed the pink one close in on me from the other side, and I nearly jumped out of my nonexistent shoes when she answered my question. "Juuuust like what you told us about this morning. I set up the party decorations, and Rarity made the togas. I thought about making it a surprise toga party, but then I realized you were probably EXPECTING a surprise party, so I didn't."

Pinkie kept rambling on, but I tuned her out while slowly increasing the distance between her and myself. Incidentally, that put me within hailing distance of the toga-maker herself.

"Pinkie and I thought after this morning that if we wanted to make you feel welcome here, we should try and do it in a way that makes you feel more comfortable around us, and if us being naked was making you think inappropriate thoughts, perhaps we could have a welcoming party where we all wear clothes like you're used to."

I remained speechless. Sure, I appreciated the gesture, but I couldn't really put words to what I was thinking at the time. Technically, what they were wearing could be called 'clothes', but it was also clear that Rarity and the others had different ideas than I did about what to cover and what not to cover.

Her own getup was a prime example. She'd wrapped the main part around her midsection and tucked a strip down the middle in front, giving the impression of a very high-cut dress (at least the front part of one). Up top, she had the sheet draped over one shoulder, which left her boobs in a sort of one in, one out arrangement.

The others were mostly similar in that they could almost be considered decent by human standards in one part only to leave it wide open somewhere else. This had the peculiar effect of making it even weirder than if they had just been naked.

After the exchange of pleasantries, I beelined for the drinks table to find an anchor for sanity. Whatever the next couple hours held in store, I was sure of one thing.

'I do *not** want to be sober for this.'*

Two drinks later, I was back in the familiar, almost comfortable, territory of arguing with Twilight. "Okay, so when you make the portal or wormhole or whatever, you have to have an anchor on the other side to stabilize the connection. How is it that you can't tell if what you're anchoring to is an inanimate object or a living person?"

Unfortunately, her way of answering questions involved incomprehensible lectures about magic flux and signatures. We had already established that I had no basis for understanding on such topics.

A pink hand found its way into my line of sight. "Ooh, ooh! Pick me! Pick me!"

"Yes, Pinkie?" I played along after finishing another drink.

"It's like reaching into a bag of candy," she said, brandishing a bag of candy as she spoke. I tried not to think about where it came from while she continued. "You can look into the bag and see all the different colors, but when you reach inside, you can't feel the colors, and your hand is blocking your view, so you can't see what you get until you pull it out. See?"

I did, in fact, see. She demonstrated it. "Okay, now I get it, the demonstration wasn't exactly necessary though."

"True, but now I have a bag of candy. Want some?"

Some time later, I had enough social lubricant in me to not care that the ponies' botched attempt at clothing themselves had backfired and made things even more awkward. So what if Celestia's toga only failed the human decency test because it was made out of the same see-through material that the curtains around my guest bed were. It was damn sexy, and that was fine by me.

Eventually, though, the party wound down. After all, tomorrow promised to be another busy day. Rarity reminded me of her intention to take me somewhere to get proper clothes made. Twilight said she'd help me try to find better ways of getting all that sequestered magic out of me. Finally, Celestia mentioned there would be a surprise waiting for me at breakfast in the morning. All things considered, I was about as close to my happy place as I ever expected to get.

As the others were heading off to bed, I noticed that Rainbow Dash was hanging back, alternating glances at me and at her friends as they progressed down the hallway. She gestured to me once they had gotten far enough away for her satisfaction. I hadn't actually talked to her very much since I'd woken up in this world, but I had a good guess of where this was going. It appeared that bedroom eyes were universal, even on alien planets.

"Sooooo," she drew out the 'o' in the standard suggestive manner.

"What," I interrupted in a deliberate attempt to throw off her game.

"Oh, you know," she continued undeterred. "I was just thinking. Now that we know how to get the magic out, we could have a little fun while getting us what we both want."

"And what is it that we both want?" I may have been drunk, but I was no dumbass. I just had to be sure.

"Don't play dumb," Rainbow Dash chided. "You want to go home, and I want my pony body back." Then, she switched to a more playful voice, "And as a bonus, we each get to be the first of our kind to do it with an alien from another planet."

If I had been a more philosophical or introspective drunk, I might have debated the morality of sexual contact with intelligent non-humans. I might have noted the possibility of the morality police objecting to the fact that we had both spent the past few hours loading up on liquid courage. I could have even raised concerns that we had just met barely more than 24 hours prior when I came out of my spell-inflicted coma.

However, I was not a philosophical or introspective drunk, and the only thing going through my mind was, 'What would Shepard Commander do?' Unfortunately, the obvious answer of, 'all of them, at the same time,' wasn't on the list of things I thought I could pull off, so I settled with what was offered instead.

I just hoped my plans wouldn't be thwarted by whiskey dick at the worst possible moment.

I followed Rainbow Dash on the way to her room. This time, rather than pretending to be a gentleman, I took great interest in the scenery. Aside from the two large wings growing out of her shoulders and back, the rainbow-haired pony-woman had a rather petite build. However, that didn't mean she lacked for curves where it mattered. In the meantime, I'd lowered the waistband on my boxers and set my hands to work doing just what the doctor ordered under the cover of my blanket. After all, I was still feeling a little rebellious about my circumstances.

Once again, I waited at the bottom of the stairs while my companion made her way up, and once again, I took the time to enjoy the view of her perfectly proportioned posterior. I may be a breast-oriented man, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate a nice ass when I see one. I rested one hand on the banister while using my other hand to tickle the soft spot underneath where the tip met the shaft, continuing to work myself up for what I had planned.

Finally, we arrived at Rainbow Dash's guest room. She grinned at me coyly as I dutifully shut the door behind myself. She knew she was putting on a show for me, and she made the most out of it as she slowly removed and discarded her 'toga' on one of the chairs. Her breasts were definitely the smallest of the ones I'd seen so far, but I didn't care. I'd always considered shape to be the most important thing, and hers were still beautifully round and squeezable by any standard.

Under my blanket, I'd switched to using both hands to work the tip in alternating strokes. I knew I was close because I could feel the anticipation starting to dribble out the end.

Rainbow sat herself down on the bed and gave me the 'Come hither' look. "Don't chicken out on me now. Let's see it."

Smirking slightly at her challenge, I wordlessly opened my own covering and left it on a sofa as I made my way over. In our privacy, I no longer felt the need to conceal myself.

"Now that's what I'm talking about." After voicing her approval, she turned over and presented herself for my access. "Hard and fast, please."

"Sure thing," I said, giving myself a few more pumps before lining up my entry. I briefly thought about playing the 'Oops, wrong hole' game, but I figured one prank was enough for this one.

Sliding myself in, I was reminded that despite outward appearances, alien anatomy was very different from that of a human. For the first thrust, I went a little slower to savor the sensations. As I went in deeper, I could feel her sides contracting and pulling me in further, and when I pulled outward, she resisted my motion, which helped my cause even more. I was already close to going off when I first inserted myself, and as a result, it only took a few more quick thrusts to get my release.

I came inside Rainbow Dash.

"I win!" I declared as I finished. I let the last few spurts inject more of my juice into her nethers before withdrawing.

"What?! That's it?" she asked frantically, clearly not enjoying the prank as much as me.

"Eeyup," I replied with a satisfied grin on my face.

"Then do it again, and this time don't leave me hanging like that."

"No can do," I replied. "It'll take at least a couple hours before I can fire off another one, and I plan to be asleep by then."

I got dressed and headed back to my own room for the night. I knew there would be fallout from my little prank, but I'd already decided that was future Bill's problem.

Chapter 13) Eat Up

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 14) If You Don't Mind

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 15) Don't Think I've Forgotten

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 16) On Thy Knees, Peasant!

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 17) No More Talking

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 18) Eh?

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 6) Why Fight It?

Upon waking, the events of the previous evening made themselves known in the form of a massive headache. If I really did what I thought I did, then a little hangover would only be the start of the bad karma blowback, and I had no reason to think that I didn't do it.

Strangely, I got the distinct impression that I wasn't alone in my bed. This was unusual because I remembered coming back to my room by myself after leaving Rainbow Dash. Still, the sensation of fingers gently running up and down my back refused to go away. Also, the comforter had been pulled away to give those same fingers access. The sheet and blanket were still there, but now I couldn't use the comforter to block out the sunlight.

I soon found that I needn't have worried about the sunlight. When I turned my head to lay eyes on my visitor, I saw a great big yellow wing resolutely holding the line against the onslaught of oppressive morning brightness. As long as neither of us moved, my headache wouldn't get any worse.

"Good morning, Bill," greeted Fluttershy. She continued stroking my back while she spoke, and she was considerate enough to not move her wing. "I'm just here to wake you up and tell you breakfast is ready, so you can join us if you want to."

I just groaned in protest. Thanks to the hangover, I was in that sorry state where I didn't want to get up, but I knew I wouldn't fall back asleep either. There was no way I would be able to rest with the inside of my head trying to make itself bigger than the outside.

Fortunately, Fluttershy didn't force the issue and left me to decide for myself. Unfortunately, she took her wings with her, so I had a face full of sunshine to contend with on top of a splitting headache. Grudgingly, I set about washing up and making myself presentable for breakfast.

While shambling towards the dining room, I realized that Rainbow Dash had probably told all her friends by now what we did the previous night. From her story, they would have all formed opinions, and I would have to pay the consequences.

'Oh well. The walk of shame is a time-honored tradition back home.' I knew I'd lost it when even my internal monologue had turned against me.

Steeling myself for the inevitable, I entered the dining room. I could feel the complete absence of hatred and scorn directed my way as the ponies looked up to acknowledge my arrival and then returned to their own conversations. Even Rainbow Dash seemed indifferent as she happily chatted away with Rarity about something or another. It was a surreal feeling. The thought that I'd gotten away with it so cleanly was just too good to be true. No, I was banking on them having an unspeakably cruel fate in store for me. It was just a matter of what it was and when it would happen.

Something else caught my eye when I reached my seat. Front and center at my place setting was a covered dish.

"Is this my surprise?" I asked hesitantly, hoping against hope that my surprise hadn't changed due to the previous night's events.

"It is indeed," Celestia answered with a smile. "We ordered an express delivery of meat for the kitchen after you told us you needed it. That dish in particular is one of the Griffin ambassador's favorites."

Intrigued, I removed the lid from my plate, and its contents did not disappoint. "Then you can tell the Griffin ambassador that he has good taste," I replied.

"I'll be sure to tell her when I write back to her. She did recommend it personally."

Ignoring the gentle correction of my faux pas for the moment, I basked in the glory of my wonderful breakfast that had been prepared specially for me. I dutifully took a moment to appreciate the ham and cheese omelette, but I was far more interested in the magnificently marbled meat strips next to the omelette. If I had a camera phone, I'd have taken a picture and posted it on the internet.

I had a plate of bacon, and I was surrounded by a bounty of bouncy breasts. If I was dead, this might qualify as a screwed up version of Heaven. Alternatively (and far more likely, in my opinion), it could also be an ironic version of Hell. However, since I was reasonably sure that I wasn't dead, the jury was still out on that particular bit.

I may have been somewhat enthusiastic in devouring the first strip because when I looked up, I noticed most of the ponies staring at me.

"What?" I defiantly asked them. "If you could appreciate how good bacon is, you'd do the same thing."

Collectively, they just rolled their eyes and went back to their own meals. Except for the re-introduction of meat into my diet, breakfast was fairly uneventful.

Afterward, Rarity pulled me aside and asked when I would like to go get some proper clothes made. She made a case that it would be best to go earlier to beat the crowds in the market. I agreed because I didn't want to draw extra attention if I could avoid it.

Before meeting Rarity downstairs in the main entry hall, I stopped by my room to properly clean myself up for an outdoor excursion in public view. I stepped out on the balcony to test the outside conditions. The sun had made short work of the overnight cold, but there was still a noticable nip in the air. More importantly, the stone floor of the balcony had warmed up enough that I felt comfortable venturing outside in bare feet. I still had to be aware of small, sharp bits of debris on the ground, but at least my feet wouldn't freeze.

As she promised, my companion for the day was waiting by the main entrance to the palace by the time I got there.

"Shall we?" I greeted as I walked up.

"Oh, I suppose we shall," Rarity replied with a nonchalant flick of her hair.

A pair of guards opened the main doors for us to exit. Outside, the palace courtyard awaited. I've never been one to wax poetic about gardening or general landscaping, but I did pause for a moment to appreciate the efforts of whatever army of groundskeepers maintained the place. It was quite impressive, to say the least.

Back in the real world, however, something had given my guide pause. There were a few stairs between the palace entry and the grounds, but there were no rails for her to hold onto while negotiating those stairs.

After staring at the stairs for a few seconds, Rarity finally spoke up, "Bill, dear, would you care to help a lady out?" She even fluttered her eyelashes at me as if that would influence my decision.

"Sure," I answered. "If you could point her out, I'll be happy to offer my assistance." If she wanted to play the flirty coquette, then I figured could play silly games too.

I got a dirty look in return as I walked over to her and stuck an arm out for her to hold onto. I may not be a perfect gentleman, but I'm not a complete ass either.

Our progress into the city proper was hindered only by Rarity's limited walking pace. As a side bonus, every time she stumbled, the weight no longer being carried by her legs would transfer into my left arm. A few times she nearly pulled me down with her. On the other hand, she'd lean against me for support on the way back up, and I'd get a generous brush of side-boob for the trouble.

Unsurprisingly, we drew quite a bit of attention from the few ponies who were out and about at this hour, but none of them moved to impede us. I suspected it was more from lack of ability rather than lack of inclination. Even with a dedicated practice area, Twilight and her friends (excepting the Pink one) still had trouble as bipeds. If one of these ponies wanted to stop us, I was willing to bet they'd just as quickly faceplant into the street. Still, I knew I was being watched closely, and that my actions would be heavily scrutinized.

*stumble, fall, catch, rub*

No one approached or said anything to us, but what they were thinking in our direction was anyone's guess.

"Bill, are you listening?" Rarity's question jerked me out of my internal musing. Apparently she was talking, and I'd committed the unforgivable sin of being distracted by more interesting things.

"Huh, what?" I recovered expertly.

To her credit, the girl maintained her bearing. "I was just warning you about Fleur's habit of getting up close and personal with clients who go to her for custom work. I understand that there's a cultural difference, and I don't want you to misunderstand her intentions."

"And who's Fleur, might I ask?"

"She's the seamstress who will be making your new clothes, so you don't have to wear bedding every time you leave your room." Rarity sighed while rolling her eyes, probably annoyed at having to repeat herself. She added, "Don't worry. She specializes in stallion fashion, and I'll personally vouch for the quality of her work."

"I'm not here for high fashion. All I want is something simple, practical, and comfortable."

"Then just explain that to her. Part of the design process is letting you go over her sketches so you can give feedback on what you want."

"What, are you some kind of expert on making custom clothes?"

"As a matter of fact, I am," Rarity said haughtily. "I just specialize in mares' fashion instead. If you were a female human, I'd be making your clothes."

'If it was a woman instead of me, I imagine her take on togas wouldn't have gone over so well.'

I kept my own thoughts regarding that particular subject to myself.

It wasn't much longer before we finally reached our destination. I wasn't too eager to have to explain the rules for making human clothes, but necessity trumps laziness in my book. I needed real clothes, and in a world controlled by nudist aliens, they weren't going to make themselves.

Stepping inside, I took in the general layout of the shop. There were several of what I could only assume were the pony equivalent of mannequins scattered about. Some of them were empty, a few had what looked like suit coats on them, and others had what appeared to be no more than a shirt collar and a bow tie. Everything on display was much too formal for my taste. I may look good in a suit, but I've never been particularly comfortable wearing one. Hopefully, I could arrange for something less formal and more comfortable that I could wear every day.

Conspicuously absent was anything resembling pants, which meant that I would have to explain yet another concept to these aliens. Still, things could be worse. At least I would have real clothes again and not have to wear my bed everywhere I went.

"Ahh, you must be the alien we've all heard so much about." A voice I didn't recognize interrupted my thoughts. Rarity must have gone and fetched the owner while I was looking around.

When I turned to face the pony who would clothe me, I found it surprisingly easy to keep my gaze away from her anatomy. It certainly wasn't for lack of interest. She had a pleasantly slender body, and like all the other pony-women I'd encountered so far, her humanoid form was filled out in all the right places. No, it was easy to keep eye contact because she was the same height as me. Normally, such a trivial detail wouldn't even be worth mentioning. However, in a world where birthday suits are considered appropriate attire, it's easier to not have to look down when making eye contact in a conversation. When one has to look down while addressing someone, their line of sight tends to just keep going in the downward direction and focus on whatever appeals most.

"Hi, I'm Bill," I said, figuring a simple introduction would be the easiest way to not fuck this up.

The lady returned my greeting with a smile, "And I'm Fleur de Lis. My friend Rarity was just telling me you need some clothes."

'Straight down to business. I like her already.'

"That I do," I replied. "Your friend speaks very highly of you." Tossing in a little charm never hurt anybody. Who said I couldn't make a good first impression?

Before we could get distracted by small talk, I was ushered deeper into the shop for design consultation, measurements, and all that other tedious stuff that you have to do when getting custom clothes made from scratch. To complicate matters, Rarity insisted on sitting in on everything so she could, in her words, "learn the basics of human clothing." Given her specialty in ladies' clothing, I was skeptical of how much she could learn beyond what areas need to be covered up.

The next hour and a half was a sort of education about ponies' culture and general attitude towards clothes. Of my short list of requirements, simplicity turned out to be the biggest sticking point. I presided over a growing pile of rejected sketches with too many frills, embellishments, or strange color patterns.

"But nopony will notice you if you're dressed so plainly," Fleur complained. She'd finally given up and handed me a sketch that was nothing more than a simple shirt and pants. I think she was getting frustrated, but the result was exactly what I was looking for.

"That's the idea," I clarified. "We wear clothes all day, every day. It's just the way things are. That doesn't mean we always want to be noticed."

It took a few seconds for the 'does not compute' expressions to fade from the two fashion designers' faces. They finally came around, but in return, I agreed to let them use one of the other sketches to make a suit for me. As far as compromises go, it wasn't really a bad deal. The Crown was covering my expenses, and I still had some say in the design.

Next came the time for measurements, and that meant dropping my one layer of protection (and warmth) to let the two of them run a tape measure over every conceivable dimension of my body to make sure my new clothes would actually fit. Suddenly, I was reminded that I'd been in the company of two alien women who, if they had been just slightly less alien, I would have happily engaged in 'activities' with them. The results were predictable to say the least.

"What do you mean you can't?" Fleur asked incredulously. At first, she'd taken offense at the growing bulge that was no longer hidden. Thankfully, Rarity intervened before I got tossed out the door. She didn't exactly come to my defense, but she did convince her counterpart to give me a chance to explain myself. Once everybody calmed down a bit, the awkward questions started.

"Exactly what I said," I answered. "I can't just retract it into a sheath because I don't have one. That's not how human anatomy works. You can wait it out, but that could take a while, and I can't guarantee it won't come right back up once you start measuring."

Several expressions crossed the two ponies' faces as they each processed what I said. What they were thinking was anyone's guess.

I gave them a few moments before breaking the silence, "Is that gonna be a problem?"

There was more awkward silence before Fleur hesitantly spoke up. "I guess I can work around it, but don't you dare try anything funny while I'm working."

"Relax," I replied with a dead serious expression, "That's not what I'm here for. As long as we can all act like mature adults about it, there won't be any problems."

"In that case, I'll need you to remove that thing as well," she said, indicating my boxers. "I can't get proper measurements with you wearing those."

"Not happening," I countered. "Unless you plan on making more of these, anything you make for me is going on over it."

This led to more arguing, and that led to another compromise that wasn't really a compromise on my part. Fleur and Rarity took all the measurements they needed while my boxers were on. Then, I would take off my boxers (behind a screen) so the two seamstresses could try to duplicate them. Meanwhile, I would wrap back up in my blanket to maintain some semblance of decency.

While Fleur and Rarity did their thing, I stretched out on a conveniently located sofa. I had a blanket and pillow; I'd been woken up early for this; and I wasn't going anywhere any time soon. If that doesn't spell naptime, I don't know what does.

Some time later, I woke up at the insistence of Rarity, who then presented me with multiple copies of the boxers I'd let her take. I took them behind the screen for inspection. Fit, comfort, freedom of movement, and other attributes had to be carefully evaluated to ensure only the highest quality of coverage for my most important area.

Moments later, I delivered my verdict to a visibly nervous pony, "Feels good. I approve."

By the time I'd finished, Fleur had more stuff for me to try on. I gave her a questioning look when I saw it wasn't quite what I'd ordered, and she clarified that it was just a mockup of the final product, the tailoring equivalent of, "Measure twice. Cut once."

Another short nap later, I was the proud owner of a custom made pair of slacks and a button-down shirt. More sets of clothes would follow, but they would be delivered to my room at the palace. All I cared about was having something to wear other than bedding.

Unfortunately for me, my approval was not the final word in determining whether or not my new clothes were fit for public consumption. Fleur insisted on inspecting every little detail while I stood there trying to maintain my bearing. It was the least I could do considering she was doing me a favor on someone else's dime.

Fleur's inspection wasn't just about appearance. The craftsmanship was also under intense review. Not a single stitch or seam escaped scrutiny. I had to run all my limbs through their full range of motion until she was satisfied that there wouldn't be any excess stretching or pulling apart of the fabric. Occasionally, she would come in close to prod something or tug at something else for some purpose that only she knew. It was also clear that she wasn't exactly shy about physical contact. I kept Rarity's warning in mind, but one can only take so much with a naked woman poking around so close to their junk.

"Is anything uncomfortable?" she asked, still staring directly at my crotch.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked in return, hoping against hope that this wasn't going where I thought it was.

"What I mean is, 'Do you feel restricted at all?' Is anything too tight? Do you have enough room where you need it?"

"The fit is fine," I answered hastily.

"Even for your..."

"Yes," I interrupted, "even there." I may or may not have been turning red at that point. Nobody said anything regardless.

"Just checking," she defended. "I couldn't allow myself to send you off if you're not completely satisfied with my work."

"Even though you were about to toss me out the door this morning?"

"Oh, that was just a misunderstanding," Fleur waved her hand dismissively.

Realizing there was no polite way out of this, I just tried my best to look put upon as Rarity joined her fellow seamstress for my inspection. Eventually, they declared their approval.

My patience was rewarded with a hug from Fleur as she followed us outside, "And you simply must come back and let me see you in your other outfits once I finish them."

"Yeah, yeah, I'll come back," I replied noncommitally. Then Rarity shot me a glare indicating that it would not be an optional engagement.

"I look forward to it," Fleur whispered into my ear as she squeezed me tighter. She then kissed me on the cheek before letting go and heading back inside.

I really shouldn't have let myself get so flustered. Rarity did warn me that Fleur might get a little touchy-feely, but there's a difference between mildly affectionate and running a full-court press. That was assuming, though, that we had the same definitions of 'mildly affectionate'. For all I knew, what I thought was coming on too strong really wasn't a big deal to them. After all, they thought nothing of walking around naked all the time. Maybe I was just overthinking things again.

"Hello, Equestria to Bill," Rarity called, bringing me back to my immediate surroundings while waving a hand in front of my face. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah. I'm fine," I said in a pathetic attempt to save face.

"You're blushing," she teased. "I told you how fond Fleur is of her models."

"I'm not a model," I shot back.

"You're wearing an original design custom made especially for you. If that doesn't make you her model, I don't know what does."

I grumbled in annoyance as we started the trip back to the palace. Much to my chagrin, the heat in my face didn't go away, and that kept the door open for more teasing from a certain white unicorn with purple hair.

"So, did you enjoy it?"

"I'm not answering that."

"That doesn't sound like a complaint."

I gave her the silent treatment in the hope that she would get bored and let me stew in peace. She tried a couple more times to get a rise out of me before giving up.

After a couple minutes of silence, the white unicorn spoke up again, "You don't have to take it so seriously. Nopony would hold it against you for admitting to your feelings."

"That's the problem," I replied. "I still haven't figured out what my feelings are."

Rarity finally let it go at that. "Alright, I won't pry, but if you need someone to talk to, I'll listen."

With the air cleared, the rest of our return trip was spent in amicable silence. We'd left the palace shortly after breakfast, and it was late afternoon by the time we got back. Both of us had skipped lunch, and while I couldn't speak for my counterpart, I was feeling rather hungry. My first planned stop after dropping the blanket and extra skivvies off in my room was the dining room. Failing that, I could always go hunting for the kitchen and pilfer some food straight from the source.

Unfortunately, I didn't get that far. Twilight and Celestia were waiting in my room with serious expressions on their faces.

'Crap'

As I approached the ring of chairs and couches, Twilight spoke first. "Bill, we need to talk."

'Double crap. She must mean business if she's using my preferred name.'

"Can this wait? I haven't eaten since breakfast," I said irritably.

My attention was briefly directed to a small assortment of snacks on the table. Clearly, escape would not be bought with such cheap excuses. I took a seat and mentally braced myself for the worst.

"Now," she continued, "I need to talk to you about what happened last night."

"What about it?" I asked, figuring it would be best to not go on the defensive until I was accused of something.

Twilight just fixed me with a hard look. "This isn't the time for playing games. You know what I'm talking about."

"But what do you have to say about it? You need to be more specific. Is this gonna be a discussion between civilized adults, or do I need to get a lawyer?"

That earned me an eye twitch, but little miss purple kept her cool for the most part. Only a little bit of frustration made it into her voice. "Bill, this is about getting you home, so I would appreciate it if you were a little more cooperative."

"Oh," I replied. "Why didn't you say that sooner?"

Ignoring my question, Twilight went on. "Something happened last night that released more of your stored magic."

"Which, given what we already know, shouldn't come as a big surprise," I pointed out. "So what's your point?"

"My point is that what you did with Rainbow Dash was far more effective than when the nurse took your sample." She paused for a moment. "Please don't take this the wrong way, but how often can you do something like that?"

It was my turn to pause while considering my next words. "If I pushed it, once every couple hours. But there's no way I could keep that up for more than a day or two."

"What about a sustainable rate?"

This line of questioning was really starting to creep me out, but I humored her once more. "Probably three times a day. Why do you need to know this?"

"I want to give you some perspective on how much magic is stuck inside you. The medical staff have been keeping track by measuring the amount while you're asleep." She started writing something down on a sheet of paper. "Let's say you ejaculate three times a day, every day. With the spell the nurse used, it would take six months to extract all the magic from your body."

"That's not acceptable," I said simply, although I couldn't stop myself from wincing a bit. Not only did I not want to spend that much time here, the pain from that unholy spell would make the process pure torture.

"Don't worry, we wouldn't even think of putting you through that again, because if you do what you did last night, you'd be done in less than three months."

I gave her my best deadpan look. "Really? The fact that it's no longer painful suddenly makes it perfectly acceptable?"

"I'm saying that it opens up a new possibility for tests. If we can get better results by varying the method of extraction, it's worth investigating."

Apparently, I wasn't getting through, so I raised my voice a little. "Do I have to hit you with something to get you to stop being clinical for five seconds and actually think about what you're suggesting?"

At the very least, I got her attention, but she either couldn't come up with a response, or the message was finally sinking in.

Regardless, I pressed on, "Think about it from my perspective. I woke up on an alien planet with a whole bunch of magic stuffed inside of me, and the only way we know of to get it out is by jamming my dick into anything with legs? Lucky for me, the locals have all been transformed in such a way that not only do they have human features, but those features have been specifically enhanced to appeal to my exact tastes. Top it all of with a local culture doesn't have any kind of nudity taboo, and I have to constantly remind myself that it isn't what it looks like."

I had to pause for a few seconds to catch my breath. I had a good rant going, and I wasn't about to let it drop.

"I know more than a few guys back home who would ask, 'Why fight it?' when everything seems stacked so heavily in my favor. My answer to that is that somebody has to, and I don't think you're up to the task. Do you even know why I was so adamant that you keep it a secret when you told me my sperm would also release your precious magic?"

Twilight's stunned silence was all the answer I needed.

"Because if word got out, ponies would be lining up out the door to have a go at me. I'd never get a moment's rest. It doesn't matter what your thoughts are about it. You don't have to do anything if you don't want to because there are plenty of others who won't care. They just want their bodies back, and they'll do whatever it takes to get just that. I'm the one who doesn't have a choice in the matter. I have to do it if I ever want to see my home again, and I'm not even sure if I'm okay with the idea yet."

Throughout the course of my ranting, I'd gone from righteous anger to defeated resignation. By the end of it, I was just staring at the table with my arms resting on my knees and both hands supporting my forehead.

There was a full minute of silence before Twilight spoke up in a remorseful, perhaps even sympathetic, tone. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I've been so focused on finding a way to fix things that I forgot to consider how you might feel about it."

Celestia, who had been silent the whole time, chose this moment to interject. "Take that lesson to heart, Twilight. Just because you're a Princess doesn't mean you have to have all the answers. You are still my student, and you still have much to learn."

I raised my head up to observe the two Princesses talking to each other. I felt like an extra body in the room while the two of them shared a moment together. The way Celestia looked at Twilight reminded me of a mother comforting a scolded child.

"If you'd like, you can write me a friendship report about it," she teased her junior counterpart. For some reason, that seemed to cheer up the junior Princess.

Celestia then turned her attention to me. "If you don't mind, Bill, may I offer a suggestion?"

Chapter 7) How About This?

"You're out of your mind," I said incredulously.

For once, Twilight agreed with me. Although, she was a bit more tactful with her words. "You can't be serious, Princess!"

Celestia's poker face held under our combined assault. She addressed her protege first. "Why wouldn't I be? If Bill isn't yet comfortable having intimate contact with ponies, then we can't force him into it. I've merely suggested a middle ground, one that advances our goal of extracting his magic without physically violating him."

"But why you?" Twilight persisted.

"Why not me? Don't tell me you believe all that nonsense spouted by the nobles about me and my sister being celibate goddesses."

The student's mouth opened and closed a few times, but nothing came out. I think she was struggling to come up with an answer that didn't sound like she was trying to tell her senior what she could and couldn't do.

"And what about you, Bill?" Celestia inquired, turning to face me. "What are your objections?"

Unable to raise my eyes past her neckline, I settled for staring at the snacks on the table. "I just think it's weird, both the arrangement and the fact that you'd offer yourself up for something like that so easily. I need some time to think about it."

I could almost feel her benevolent gaze bearing down on me. "Shall I tell you my take on the matter?"

Twilight kept staring at her mentor as if she'd sprouted a second head. I just nodded in agreement.

"Twilight, do you remember when Playcolt magazine hired a changeling to do a photo shoot using my appearance?"

"Yeah," Twilight replied with more than a little annoyance. "The court was ready to charge them with lese-majesty. I still can't believe you didn't do anything."

"Neither could the court," Celestia replied. "There was a time, when I was much younger, that I wouldn't have hesitated to mete out punishment, but I've been around for a very long time, and I know how my little ponies think. If I appeased the court, it would set a legal precedent that the nobility could take offense on my behalf, and the public would fear retribution for even the tiniest of perceived slights. If I publicly endorsed the magazine's actions, I would lose the respect of the court. Because I did nothing, the nobles could only voice their disapproval without any power to act, and the public kept on doing what they would have done with or without explicit approval. As soon as the next politician found themselves in a scandal of their own, the whole controversy was forgotten."

"You can say what you like about the magazine, but I also know that was the single best-selling issue of all time of any periodical anywhere in Equestria. I don't need my sister's dream-walking abilities to know the kinds of fantasies cooked up by my subjects when they learn that the differences between fillies and colts are more than superficial. In fact, if Playcolt had been around just 300 years ago, they wouldn't have needed a changeling to take my place."

Twilight's jaw hit the metaphorical floor at what she'd just heard. I tried to keep a more level head about it. If Celestia embraced her unofficial status as a sex symbol in addition to ruling the country, who was I to argue?

"So what's changed since then?" I asked, finally managing to look up.

"Ponies' attitudes changed. Thanks to our abilities and our longevity, there have always been cults trying to elevate my sister and I to divinity. They gained a great deal of influence just over two centuries ago when a well-connected noble in the court started his own sect."

Twilight took over the questioning, "Did something happen between you two?"

"Yes," Celestia answered. "He publicly declared that he would court me before asking for my hoof in marriage. Of course, he never consulted me about his intent, and I never had an interest in warming my bed with political agendas anyway. When I denied his advances, he saved face by spreading word that I was too pure to take a lover, that I was some untouchable goddess who could never defile herself with mortal pleasures."

"It wasn't a new belief by any measure. Over the centuries, groups of cultists loved to fight amongst themselves over whether I rejected lovers to maintain purity or to avoid the despair of losing them when they inevitably died. Each of them proclaimed to protect my regal image, and yet none of them ever asked me about my thoughts. Normally, I just left them to it because it never interfered with anything. However, he was the first of the Canterlot 'high society' aristocrats to espouse such beliefs. He knew I could never act directly against his or his followers' activities as long as they didn't hurt anypony. I needed to find another way, but I didn't have an answer until things had already gone too far."

I couldn't tell if Celestia paused for dramatic effect or if she just needed to catch her breath. Some clumsy doctor or nurse in the room across the hall dropped a pin.

Celestia continued. "I received a concerned letter from a Guard recruiting officer. One of his recruits had asked if he should be gelded before joining the Royal Guard. I did a little investigating and learned that one of the cult's offshoots had started rumors to that effect. That was an insult I couldn't afford to let slide. They could limit my ability to seek comfort in a lover's embrace, but they would not be allowed to coerce young stallions to permanently mutilate themselves in my name."

Twilight and I just looked at her expectantly.

"The problem was, I couldn't simply pass a law banning the cult. I needed to squash the rumors. To that end, I called upon the Commander of the Guard, and he agreed to do what was necessary." Her tone had become dead serious by this point in her anecdote, "I had him mount me in the palace courtyard, in full public view."

Playing along, I asked my question. "Wouldn't they try to accuse you of being an impostor? Surely they weren't about to accept that their Princess could allow herself to be 'defiled' by a mere mortal."

Celestia pretended to examine her fingers with an expression of boredom, "Oh, they tried alright. But that's why I did it during the Summer Sun Celebration. They couldn't deny that the pony being so thoroughly rutted before their eyes was the same pony who had just raised the Sun." Her expression of detached boredom changed to one of mischief.

'Wait, what?' was what I wanted to say. There were several things wrong with her story, not the least of which was that she had just claimed to control the movement of the fucking Sun.

While I took my turn being speechless, Twilight butted in. "What happened to the Commander?"

"He retired within a week. He never explained why, but I have my suspicions. The court refused to approve any of my nominations for his successor, and the post has remained vacant ever since."

Twilight still wasn't done. "But wouldn't there be some record of this? I've never read anything about it."

"Of course there are records of it if you know where to look, but most of the major libraries in Equestria, including the one here in Canterlot, are funded and run by noble families who would rather pretend it didn't happen, so they keep those archives hidden. The smaller, independent ones tend not to have room for more than the basics. If you wish, I can make my own private collection available to you."

I decided to interrupt before our little tangent took us off topic completely. "So you're really okay with this?" At this point, it was an obvious question with an obvious answer, but I just wanted them to shut up and leave me to think about it in peace.

"I wouldn't have suggested it if I wasn't," Celestia replied.

"I thought as much. I just need time to decide whether or not I'm okay with it. Mind if I sleep on it?"

She nodded in agreement, and the two Princesses left me to process everything I'd heard.

In truth, I already knew what my answer would be in the morning. I just had to convince that part of me that defaults to resistance even if going with the flow would lead to the desired outcome. I'd already established that I was stuck in a contrived harem anime scenario, and the only way out was to play my role. If it had been a bunch of human girls rather than suspiciously humanoid aliens, things would be easier. At least then the only weirdness would be the fact that my situation followed the sort of script dreamt up by adolescent boys who only just discovered that (a), their penis now has wonderful new functionality and (b), cooties aren't real.

I tried to go to bed early, but as I tried to fall asleep, my internal debate continued pressing the issue of sexual situations involving non-humans. Sure, there was that thing I did with Rainbow Dash, but we were both drunk that night, and it wasn't the first time I'd made a bad decision while drunk. I wasn't about to lump them in with animals either because any species that can get its shit together to build a civilization and make it stick is clearly a step above the so-called 'lesser beasts' of the world. Besides, if you read enough science fiction, you'll run into human-on-alien sooner or later. Right?

That just left Celestia. I briefly allowed myself to consider the implications if even some of what I'd heard about her age and abilities was true. At face value, it was absolutely insane, but in the past, people have attributed divinity for less. Hell, go back far enough, all you had to do was predict an eclipse, and you'd have it made. Although, from the sound of her story, the Princess wanted nothing to do with the title of 'Godess'. I made yet another mental note to bring it up later.

Still, would that make her the one guilty of bestiality, or would it put me on the level of a dumb dog humping his master's leg? I pushed that thought out of my mind just as quickly as it came. Nothing good comes from that line of thinking.

Eventually, I fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning to the now familiar ministrations of a certain exquisitely proportioned yellow backside with pink butterflies on it.

"Fluttershy," I grumbled, still in the process of waking up.

"Yes Bill?"

"How come you're always scratching the back of my head like that when you wake me up?"

She paused a moment before answering, "Twilight told me you get grumpy when you wake up in the morning. So I thought I'd try what I do when I wake up the bears from their winter hibernation. Sometimes they can be grumpy too, and the petting calms them down. Do you want me to stop?"

I answered by rotating my head slightly to give her easier access. I wasn't about to tell her to stop. Bears or not, her hand felt really good on the back of my head, though I would never admit to it out loud. Sure, there was the whole 'waking up sleeping bears' thing, but I'd already allowed for a generous amount of absurdity in this alien world. What's one more layer? In any case, I had bigger things to take care of.

To my disappointment, Fluttershy eventually got up and left me with a face full of sunlight and an invitation to breakfast. I forced myself out of bed to start the usual morning routine of making myself presentable.

Given the occasion, I took my time in the shower. Consequently, I was late for breakfast, and Twilight and Celestia had already left. Instead, I found a note at my seat with instructions to meet Celestia in her royal apartment.

A tactless observer might say that I ate quickly out of eagerness, but in reality, I just wanted to avoid giving myself time to chicken out of my impending rendezvous with an alien ruler who may or may not qualify as a goddess depending on the veracity of certain claims and one's personal definition of 'goddess'.

Completely confident that there was absolutely no pressure whatsoever, I made my way to Celestia's bedroom to face my fate. The door was open in what I assumed was anticipation of my arrival, and I was waved in as soon as the two Princesses inside saw me coming. The door shut itself behind me, and the glow from Twilight's horn claimed responsibility for the action.

I took a moment to look around before advancing further inside. Either Celestia's room was much smaller than Luna's or she had partitioned hers off while her sister hadn't. There wasn't much furniture to speak of, only a few small end tables around the walls. In the sitting area, chairs and sofas were replaced with several overstuffed cushions on the floor arranged in a horseshoe around a fireplace. Whoever picked the decorations had foregone the ornaments and finery scattered around the rest of the palace. This wasn't a room to overwhelm visitors with the wealth and power of royalty. This was a room to relax in a close, personal setting. There might have been better words to describe it, but that would make things too awkward for me to do the needful.

Then there was Celestia herself, clad in the same see-through number she wore at the party a couple nights before. She lounged against a long cushion facing the door in the kind of pose that porn studios pay big bucks for. Though she wasn't technically naked, nothing was left to the imagination. Every tantalizing curve of her body begged to be savored by the eyes.

It took all of my mental discipline to not just stand there and gawk. I remembered my purpose and took a seat across from the alien ruler. The smile on her face remained the same as it almost always was, one of general benevolence or mild amusement, or both.

"Have you decided, Bill?" she asked.

"I'll go along with your plan," I answered, keeping my words simple. "Just one question."

"And what is that?"

"What's she doing here?" I asked, pointing at the purple one whose attendance hadn't been mentioned when Celestia outlined her plan.

Twilight opted to defend herself, "I'm here to measure the magical output of this and all future sessions to see if we can find a way to get you home even faster. Is that a problem?"

"Yeah. She's the exhibitionist," I deadpanned, pointing at the other Princess. "I, on the other hand, prefer not to have spectators when I do my thing."

"A little nervous are we, Bill?" Celestia teased. "Don't worry. I won't bite, unless you ask nicely."

I did my best to not appear affected by her prodding. Neither of the two Princesses said anything about it, so only they knew whether or not I was successful.

Little miss purple paused for all of three seconds before her face lit up. "Alright, how about this?" As she spoke, she flicked her head toward the unoccupied cushion next to me, and something shot out the end. On impact, a black bubble expanded until it was about five feet across.

"And what is that, exactly?" I asked skeptically. The thought of more magic made me uneasy.

"I call this the 'Nothing To See Here' spell," she said proudly. "Anything inside the bubble is completely hidden from an outside viewer, but anyone inside can see out just fine, and before you ask, it's safe. It doesn't affect you directly, so your sensitivity isn't a problem."

Tentatively, I reached over to the bubble and stuck my hand inside. There was no resistance or any sensation at all to indicate the boundary between the inside and outside of the bubble. Everything past my wrist just vanished into the blackness. Next, I moved from my sitting position onto my hands and knees to stick my head in. Twilight helpfully positioned a mirror, allowing me to see my lower half sticking outside. I reached out the opposite side to see my disembodied hand waving back at me.

"Careful, Twilight. I think you're stealing the show," Celestia chimed in. I glanced over to see her idly running a hand over her massive breasts. Her posture only served to accentuate their size. They were roughly the size of my head, given that the white Princess stood over seven and a half feet tall and was built like an amazon queen, it wasn't that much of a surprise. Perhaps if she were shrunk down to Fluttershy's height, they wouldn't have been much bigger than hers, but they looked every bit as soft and squeezable. A growing part of me wanted to stick my whole face in there and never take it out while fondling them both until I asphyxiated, but that would have to be another time.

I promptly pulled the rest of myself inside the bubble and double-checked the mirror to make sure I was completely hidden before I undid my pants. Since I'd been up for a while already, it wasn't morning wood by definition, but my privates were standing at full attention all the same.

A small cup chose that particular moment to fall into my lap. "Almost forgot," Twilight said, "don't want to leave a mess in the Princess's room."

I grabbed the cup and briefly pondered what the local street value of magic-infused alien spooge might be before I started my work.

I'd just barely started my routine before Twilight interrupted again. "Are you done yet, Richard?"

"Done!?" I vehemently protested the sudden interruption. "It hasn't even been ten seconds. How the hell would I be done already?"

"Rainbow Dash said you took less ten seconds when you did it with her," Twilight shot back. "We just thought that's as long as it takes for a human."

Of all the times for that to come back to haunt me. It finally all made sense why my 'walk of shame' didn't have the intended effect. They weren't mad at me. Because of my antics, they thought all men were one-pump wonders. Hell, if pressed, I bet they'd say they were trying to be polite and understanding in light of their friend's disappointment. The thought made me sick. I had no choice but to fess up and accept whatever followed. Also, I wanted to avoid any more interruptions.

"Twilight," I said flatly. "That was a prank."

"Richard," Twilight replied just as flatly.

"Save it," I interrupted.

Celestia then decided to butt in with her own comments. "If you'd like, I could leave you two alone to get better acquainted." She dropped her voice in a way that suggested quite a bit more than a simple polite conversation over some board games.

Whether a product of the other Princess's suggestive voice or her own dirty mind, Twilight's cheeks became a slightly more red-ish shade of purple. I was still safely within my shroud, so there were no witnesses to see my face, and whatever my expression looked like would remain a mystery forever.

"So," Celestia continued in the same sultry tone. "How much time do I get?"

"Uhh, two or three minutes if I just..." I trailed off.

The Princess clearly wasn't listening to me. She'd begun slowly peeling off the sheer fabric draped over her body. One hand pulled down the top before stopping to explore her almost but not completely exposed cleavage. At the same time, the other hand made its way through the bottom to probe her nethers. Meanwhile, she directed weapons-grade bedroom eyes directly at where mine would have been had I positioned myself just a few inches to the left.

"Will I be allowed to enjoy myself for a while?" She dropped the seductive voice in favor of sweet and innocent, probably teasing me. Bedroom eyes became puppy dog eyes.

'Make that four, no, five minutes. No. Whatever you do, don't give her a reason to stop.' My internal monologue had its own thoughts on the matter at hand.

If the female aliens in their humanoid forms could be described as 'eye candy', then Celestia could keep a confectionary running by herself. She ran her hands up and down her own body, tracing the outline of every single curve from the image of the sun on her hips all the way up to her ample bosoms. Despite the visual buffet, it was her eyes that had me transfixed. Those deep, but gentle purple eyes wordlessly promised that if I could only conquer my doubts and fears, I might be permitted more than just a front row seat at future performances. Although, given the amount of red on Twilight's face, that could have been just as much directed at her as it was me.

I turned my attention back to Celestia as she finally quit messing around and slowly removed her transparent coverings, exposing herself completely. A yellow glow from her horn directed it over my bubble before letting it fall on top of me. I shifted the discarded garment aside to keep it from interfering with my own ministrations and noted the sweet fragrance wafting off it. It was subtle, but the vaguely floral scent helped calm my nerves a bit.

With one hand the Princess caressed the two mounds on her chest, reaching underneath and pushing them together as if offering them for closer inspection. Meanwhile, her other hand tended to things down below. Two fingers were inserted into her depths tickling the inside while the thumb worked the surface. A few times, she'd extract some of the juice inside and show the moisture dripping from her outstretched fingers before licking them clean. Part of me pondered about what alien pussy might taste like. The rest of me tried to put those thoughts aside. I just wasn't ready for that sort of thing yet.

Predictably, I finished far earlier than I wanted to. Fortunately, the two Princesses either didn't notice or didn't care. In any case, I wasn't about to call for an end to the show.

Celestia continued to explore and enjoy the wonders of the female form as her counterpart sat there with her eyes glued on the display before her. There were no exaggerated moans of pleasure as the subject of our peep show reclined on her cushion and rhythmically arched and relaxed her back in time with the motion of her fingers inside. Only a few barely audible squeaks escaped, and I noticed a slight glow in her horn. Whether it was a cause or an effect was unclear.

Suddenly the white Princess shifted to lay down on her side. I got the full view of her front, but she'd also moved much closer to Twilight. She gave a quick wink in my direction before bringing that hypnotic gaze to bear on her student. While the purple one got a smile and bedroom eyes at point-blank range, I got to see what was going on below the neckline. She'd added another finger to her penetration routine down below, but the arm up top had been repurposed to support her pose. I was reminded just how big her wingspan was when she extended one towards my hiding place. She moved it around a bit before finding my cheek and using the very tip to stroke my chin and jaw line. The way her two great, round breasts smooshed together, I couldn't help but think that spending some time as the small spoon might do me a world of good. She may have been an alien, but I didn't think I'd care with those things pressed into my back, or better yet, my front. I'd already had a taste of the warmth of being wrapped inside those wings as well. The mental image was not unpleasant.

For her part, Twilight got more and more flustered the longer Celestia teased her. The redder her face got, the bigger her mentor's smile became.

Finally, the teasing stopped as Celestia pushed herself over. Her horn glow intensified before dying out completely. Her wings extended to their full length, and her back muscles tightened before everything relaxed. The only sound she made was a contented sigh as she rolled onto her stomach, and her wings settled loosely at her sides.

It was a while before either of us in the audience worked up the courage to speak. Twilight won that contest. "Um, Princess," she said tentatively, "Are you alright?"

The prone Princess raised an eyebrow but spoke in a contented voice, "The only way I could be more 'alright' is if I had somepony to snuggle with."

Flustered, the purple one changed tactics. "Okay, uhh, Richard, how about you? Are you done in there?"

"Yeah," I replied in a voice that could've been interpreted as shell-shock in any other context. "I'm done." I didn't mention the war inside my head between the part that wanted to take Celestia up on her offer and the part that wanted to bolt from the room as fast as my legs would go and not stop until they fell off.

"Good," Twilight replied mechanically. Her eyes were unfocused, and she had a strange, detached grin as she stood up and made her way over. The black bubble obscuring me from view disappeared, and the little plastic cup of cum found a lid before following the Princess out of the room in a reddish-purple glow.

I turned back to Celestia and took in the sight for a few more moments. "I think you broke her."

"Give her another century or so. She'll learn to loosen up sooner or later."

"That reminds me," I said, carefully trying to reign in my other thoughts. "We need to sit down and have a talk about some of these things I've heard about you."

"About me?" she asked innocently. "I think I can make time between our afternoon session and dinner."

"That works," I agreed, not wanting to embarrass myself further with more awkwardness.

'Gives me plenty of time to find a wine cellar or a liquor cabinet in case of emergency.'

Celestia streched out her arms and legs before standing up. I did the same, if only to make a quick escape should the need have arisen. The Princess observed my movements with an impish smirk. "I should thank you for allowing me time to enjoy myself."

As politely as I could, I sputtered out my parting and made a hasty retreat. Suddenly, my quest to locate a source of emergency booze had become more urgent.

Twilight was waiting for me just as I rounded the corner in the hallway leading back to the rest of the palace. She appeared to have collected herself and frowned at my approach.

"Richard," she addressed me with obvious frustration. "Don't think you'll get away with that 'little prank' you pulled."

"Yeah, yeah," I dismissed her hostility. "You're gonna go tattle on me. I'm honestly surprised you didn't figure it out already."

"We were trying to be sensitive to your feelings and give you the benefit of the doubt." She spoke slowly to drive her point home. "Just keep in mind that whatever she does to get you back, you brought it on yourself."

"I've already made peace with that," I replied, not that I was sorry or anything.

I then returned to my self-imposed mission. I had a feeling I would desperately need it before bedtime.

Chapter 8) Apple... jack?

BWOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG!!!

I had a new alarm clock.

BWOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG!!!

I liked the old one better. She at least gave me a nice view of her butt and blocked out the sunlight for the first minute or so.

BWOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG!!!

I was in no fit state to deal with bright sunlight and loud noises. This hangover was even worse than the previous one if the excruciatingly painful throbbing in my head was any indication.

BWOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG!!!

I groaned and opened my eyes while rolling over to find the source of the infernal racket. Light blue body, rainbow hair, I really should have seen that coming.

BWOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG!!!

I grabbed one of the extra pillows on the bed and sent my regards in her general direction. I missed the pony completely, but I did manage to knock over the large gong she'd brought with her. She perked up and hurried out at the sound of voices outside. Unfortunately for her, she tripped over herself in her haste and wound up captured by a pair of angry nurses who had come to investigate.

I rolled back over, threw the covers over my head, and tried desperately to sleep off the pain.

The day before, as promised, Celestia let me stay in her room after our afternoon 'session' and answered all my questions about her and the other Princesses. The thought that Celestia and Luna were both a couple thousand years old and capable of controlling the local Sun and Moon was complete bullshit in my mind. I said as much when the Princess told me that. In response, she just smiled at me and invited me to come back after dinner.

I was led up to a shared balcony between Celestia's and Luna's bedrooms. From there, I had a panoramic view of the palace, the city, and the flatlands extending out from the base of the mountain on which the city stood. It was there that I was given a little demonstration. At first, I just wrote it off as a display of good timing. They just lit their horns at just the right time to make it look like they were moving the Sun and Moon.

Then Luna had 'trouble' deciding what phase the Moon should be in. Her horn stayed lit as the Moon went from near full to half and then to a crescent in the span of about ten seconds. She went back and forth for a while, even pausing to ask my opinion, before finally settling for a 'gorgeous gibbous', as she put it.

I didn't react very well to that. In fact, I was scared shitless, and I moved to put as much distance between myself and the two Princesses as I could. By the time either of them caught up, I'd availed myself of one of the liquor stashes I'd located before and gotten into a bottle of something called, "Granny Smith's Special Reserve Apple Scumble." Shortly before I passed out, I saw Celestia approaching with a sad, empathetic look on her face, as if to offer me some small measure of solace while I descended into lunacy.

I woke up for the second time that morning to a slightly diminished headache. Sadly, there was still no butterfly butt to greet me for the day. Instead, there was just a note on the nightstand requesting my presence in the throne room as soon as I woke up. The note was signed by the two Princesses who would absolutely never accept a title of divinity no matter how well it fit.

It was with great trepidation that I made my way down to the throne room. My mind was too busy fighting itself on multiple fronts to stop my feet from carrying me to what I assumed was a meeting with two of the instigators of the internal conflict. At least the herald didn't try to harass me this time. He wasn't even there. Neither were most of the guards who had been inside the last time I dropped by.

Both Celestia and Luna sat atop the dais awaiting my arrival. As I approached, I gathered every bit of false bravado I could find. I stopped at the bottom of the stairs.

"You called," I said flatly, flashing the note from my nightstand.

"You missed your morning session," Celestia replied.

"I decided to sleep off the hangover instead. I was worried that the overwhelming headache and nausea would ruin the mood."

The two Princesses shared a brief look before turning back to me. Each bore a concerned look on their face.

Luna spoke first, "Was our display truly so disturbing?"

"No, of course not!" I half-shouted in frustration as I began pacing back and forth. "All that happened was everything I thought I knew about the laws of physics and how the universe works got shattered into a million pieces. Don't worry about me. It's just a minor existential crisis. I'm sure I'll get over it in a few minutes..." My ranting trailed off when I glanced back up and saw the way the Princesses were looking at me.

"Bill," Celestia said in what was probably meant to be a soothing voice. She then shifted over slightly and laid her hand in the space between herself and her sister. "Would you come up here, please?"

I think it was the 'You need a hug' look coming from both of them that finally did it. I was getting tired of fighting against everything, and I realized that, yes, I probably did need a hug. With that in mind, I ascended the stairs and took my place between the two Princesses.

It's very difficult to sustain a proper mental breakdown while seated between two soft, fuzzy, and naked amazon queens when they're hell bent on preventing just that. I tensed slightly in the first moment of contact. Even sitting down, the size difference between us made me feel very small, but eventually the warmth and comfort of simply being close to someone chased away the dark thoughts. That just left the impure thoughts.

Celestia's breasts were every bit as soft and snuggly as they appeared. Her side boob made for a firm and supportive pillow against which to rest my head. As I leaned in a little bit more, I told myself I wasn't taking advantage of the proximity to feel her up with the side of my face. After all, she pulled me in. Not that I was about to complain or anything. The brief quiet actually did make me feel better as I looked out across the otherwise deserted court.

"Thirsty?" Celestia suddenly asked.

I could practically feel my face turn red. I pulled away and craned my neck to get a look at her face to see if she was serious. Unfortunately, her pleasant smile gave away nothing, but I didn't completely trust the glow surrounding her horn.

Pulling away from Celestia put me into Luna's clutches. She put in her two cents, "Yes, I believe a glass of water would aid your recovery. Had we foreseen your reaction to our abilities, we would have restrained you this evening past from seeking refuge in strong drink."

While Luna was talking, a glass of water suspended in a yellow glow found its way into my hand. I didn't realize how thirsty I was until I took a drink. I paused a couple seconds before chugging the whole glass and offering it up for a refill.

"You really don't like being cast as living goddesses, do you?" I asked glumly.

"No!" Luna answered just a bit more forcefully than necessary. "We have no desire for such titles. However," she paused and lowered her voice, "we also realize we cannot stop our ponies from attempting to apply them."

Sighing, I let Luna finish pulling me in the way Celestia had earlier, and I leaned against the dark Princess's side boob.

"I hope you're not expecting any different from my side," I said. "Some people will be tripping over themselves to worship the ground you walk on just because you're aliens from another planet. Others will want your heads on a platter while the rest of you hangs by your entrails from a public building just because you don't fit into their world view. And that's without knowing what you two actually do around here."

"What of the rest?" Luna asked. "We do not care for the praise of sycophants, nor do we fear those who would wish us ill."

"Hell if I know," I replied. "Personally, I wouldn't care unless it affected me directly, but that won't stop people from trying to make me care."

"Do you suspect our motives?" Celestia asked.

"Of course I do," I answered. "You're in a position of power. Your motives are suspect by default. Don't get me wrong. I trust that you'll provide food, water, and a place to sleep until you can send me home, but beyond that, I'm not taking chances."

"We can live with that," Luna replied, hugging me tighter for a brief moment.

Celestia continued to press the issue, "But something is still bothering you." It was a statement, not a question.

I turned as much as I could and wound up giving her boobs a deadpan look that was intended for a slightly higher target. "I just told you I only trust you to keep me fed and warm and no more than that. You think I'm just gonna lay out all my fears, doubts, and insecurities like it's no big deal?"

"Candor is necessary if we are to assist you in your troubles," Luna pointed out.

I turned and faced forward again, surveying the room. It was still empty, and the guards outside had shut the door behind me. "I never said I wouldn't talk," I grumbled. "I just need a running start."

"Take your time," Celestia said pleasantly. "I put the court on holiday until after Hearth's Warming. We can sit here like this all day."

That actually didn't sound like too bad a prospect. I could bask in the warmth of the two Princesses pressed against me from either side. I could use their bountiful bosoms as pillows and let the soft, fuzzy surface tickle the side of my face. Maybe I could convince them to lay down and cuddle, and I could fall asleep happy.

The white one slowly and lightly ran her fingertips up my thigh towards a well-formed bulge in my trousers, stopping just short of it before lifting her hand away. "I get the feeling at least part of you would enjoy just that," she said, by then stroking behind my ears.

"Yeah," I agreed with a sigh. "And the other part still won't let me ignore that you're not human."

"Enlighten us," Luna chimed in. "We have known many different species from other civilizations over our years. Such details seem trivial."

"Where I'm from, sticking myself in something that isn't human is bestiality."

"I should be insulted!" Luna raised her voice in mock outrage. "You would equate intimacy with one of our kind to laying with a lesser beast for carnal pleasure?"

"They will back home, if anyone finds out the truth of what I did to get back. Logically, your argument makes sense. I get the idea that it's okay to enjoy the company of intelligent non-humans who can empathize with and reciprocate feelings and understand and consent to intimate relationships. But in practice, that idea runs up against a lifetime of cultural upbringing that says, 'If it isn't human, it's wrong.' Even I haven't fully reconciled the thought, and after all this is over and done with, if word gets out what happened here, I'm gonna get raked over the coals for it, and during that time, I want to know that I can face myself in the mirror and tell myself I did the right thing, that I'm not a bad person for it."

A new voice joined the conversation from behind and off to one side. "Wow, you've really thought this through, haven't you?"

I leaned backward out of my Princess sandwich and turned my head to regard the newcomer approaching from a side chamber. As far as I could tell while sitting down, she stood about the same height as me, sporting a light pink coat and three-toned hair in shades of yellow, pink, and purple. She also had a horn and wings, but that was more of an afterthought that anything else.

"I have nothing but free time and little else to do," I replied flatly. I then turned back to the two pieces of bread in my Princess sandwich, "Another Princess? Do you guys rehearse this sort of thing and wait for the best time to make your entrances?"

"Do you really have to act like this is some great conspiracy?" Celestia teased.

I ignored the bait, "It's the only way to keep what's left of my sanity."

Luna simply introduced the newcomer, "Bill, allow me to introduce Princess Mi Amore Cadenza."

"Oh, you silly. My friends call me Cadance," she grinned when I looked back in her direction. "You sure look cozy in there. Room for one more?"

'Of course, there's room for one more,' I thought to myself. 'No harem is complete without the girl next door.'

Pink Princess took up the spot behind me, choosing to sit back-to-back and complete my throne made out of fuzzy alien royalty.

"How much did you hear?"  I asked.

"Everything after you said having sex with us is bestiality."

In other words, she pretty much heard the whole thing.

"She's been kept abreast of everything that's happened since you were brought here," Celestia reminded. "You can trust her discretion."

"That's a matter of perspective," I pointed out.

"As are your thoughts on intimacy with ponies," Luna countered. "We can only offer our own perspective. You must decide for yourself how to think."

"Look," I sighed in frustration. "I just want to go home, but sooner or later either my arm is going to get tired, or I'm gonna rub myself raw. I think we already know where this is going."

"We promised not to force you into anything," Celestia helpfully reminded me again. "However, that doesn't mean we won't try to encourage it. It is, after all, in our best interests, yours as well."

"I believe I can help with that," my backrest added.

Unable to comfortably turn around to address her properly, I directed my glare to the room at large. I don't think it had the same effect. "Really, so what's your plan, or do you have one?"

The newcomer shifted around behind me, and her wings just happened to extend slightly, brushing the side of my face as she did so. "We'll start small with little bits of affection to let you warm up to the idea. A little flank bump here, a random hug there, maybe even a quick nuzzle, like this." She demonstrated by coming in from behind and rubbing the side of her face against mine. It was not unpleasant.

"Then," she continued, lowering her voice, "we move on to snuggling and cuddling and dirty talk. We might even give you some kisses while we're at it." As she outlined her diabolical scheme, she started gently running her finger along my shoulder, up my neck, and finally stopping to tickle my cheek.

"Don't worry," I was assured by the low, sultry voice of one who knew exactly what buttons she was pressing. "We won't start the fun stuff until you're ready to return the favor. We'll make sure to have lots of foreplay. We'll play with you; you'll play with us, and once you're all good and ready, that's when we go for it, but we'll do it slowly. Drag it out, and savor every minute of it. And right when you're about to peak, we stop. Can't have you finishing too soon, after all. Oh no, that simply will not do. So we'll take a little break for more kissing and cuddling. And we'll keep doing that over and over and over, bringing you right to the edge only to deny you at the last second." Right then, I could feel her leaning on my shoulders and her warm breath on my face as she whispered in my ear, "Until you beg for release."

I've read that the first thing a torturer does is show their prospective victim each and every tool they plan to use. Torturees tend to crack just from that more often than not, allegedly. Despite being under absolutely no threat of physical harm whatsoever, instead being presented with the possible fulfillment of whatever fantasies I could cook up regarding these transformed alien 'ponies', I still couldn't help but harbor a similar feeling of hopelessness. All thoughts of whether or not screwing around with aliens was appropriate fled from my mind to be dealt with later. They were replaced by crippling and overwhelming performance anxiety. Forget about my willingness to return any favors. I had severe doubts about my ability to match up against the experience of centuries-old whatever-the-Princesses-were in the bedroom.

Apparently well aware of my plight, the pink Princess continued. "You don't have to be so nervous," she assured. "We understand. The first couple times with a new partner can be awkward. You'll get some freebies, so don't worry."

She finally settled back down behind me, pressing her shoulder into the back of mine and resting her chin on top. From her position, I didn't have to guess what she was looking at. My thoughts about her proposal were plain to all, written in bold letters across the bulge in my pants.

"We're looking forward to the next few weeks," she said.

It took a while before I found my voice, but I eventually did. With some trepidation, I asked, "And who is 'we', exactly?"

I got a partial answer in the form of three bodies pressing in from all sides. The latest addition to the royal stable provided the rest. "Well, there's all of us Princesses, of course. Then, there are Twilight's friends, and if you play your cards right, maybe some of the lovely mares of Ponyville might join in."

"Wait, what?"

Luna volunteered to answer my question. "That was the other reason we summoned you this morning. On the eve tomorrow, Twilight and her friends must return to their homes to prepare for the start of winter. In light of recent events, we feel you would benefit from a change of scenery, and we would have you accompany them."

I really wanted to call them out for implying their world was some kind of free-love paradise, but if they wanted to talk about booting me out of the palace, I could save that argument for later. "So you're just gonna turn me loose in your world? Me? An alien from another planet? That you know almost nothing about?"

"We worry that keeping you here will lead to further self-destructive behavior," Luna replied. "And you will not be without protection or supervision. Princess Twilight Sparkle and Princess Cadance will be charged with your welfare."

That left another problem, one that I really didn't want to bring up let alone dwell on, so I didn't. Unfortunately, my options were limited to keeping up with that until I eventually caved into the pressure, or playing along with Princess Pink's plan. I had little doubt that her so-called 'encouragement' probably would help. Although, there was also still the question of, "bestiality or not?" to get through. Convincing that stubborn part of myself of what the other part already knew to be the answer promised to be an uphill battle.

Between my sleeping in and the length of my conversation with the Princesses, I'd managed to kill off the entire morning and make it all the way to lunch time. Afterward, Luna went to bed, and I had another ménage à moi session with Celestia before joining Twilight and company in the banquet hall to make nice with my new entourage and get to know them a little better while they all perfected the art of walking on two legs.

Under Pinkie's instruction, they'd improved immensely, so I decided to give them a little extra challenge. I instructed them that only the light-colored tiles on the floor were safe to step on, and the dark-colored ones were now hot lava. In addition, I suggested that severe spinal injury may befall the unwary pony who trod upon a gap between tiles. Pinkie Pie took it as a game and promptly tackled me in a bone-crushingly boob-tacular bear-hug before bouncing off to begin enforcing the new rules.

'Diligent and reliable, that one is, If a bit enthusiastic.'

Heartbutt saw the whole exchange and winked at me with a shit-eating grin on her face. I pointedly ignored her.

The evening passed uneventfully. After dinner was one more peep show with the Princess before I went off to bed. The prospect of going somewhere else began to appeal more as I realized how bored I would likely get. I wasn't quite sure about who would take over Celestia's part in my magic liberation ritual, but at least the company would be more interesting.

The next morning saw the return of my preferred alarm clock. Although, it seemed she had positioned herself a little bit closer than before, and she was getting notably more deliberate in where she put her hands and how much attention she gave to any one spot. Then again, it could have just been my imagination.

After my morning round of mandatory masturbation, Twilight declared that even though output was slightly improved over my encounter with Rainbow Dash, she hadn't seen any improvement since my regimen of state-sanctioned voyeurism began. Celestia helpfully suggested a 'change of variable' in her younger counterpart's 'little experiment'. Unhelpfully, she didn't bother telling us what she had planned. We just had to wait until the afternoon session, which also happened to be the last one before we all hopped on the overnight train to Ponyville.

Twilight and I waited in the usual spot for the arrival of the royal rump of radiance. Twilight had her cushion, and I had my magical black bubble to hide myself from view. The only one missing was Celestia, and her spot had been updated with a very large futon laid out in place of the cushions that had previously occupied the space. Neither Twilight nor I could figure out the reason for the switch.

Within minutes, our question was answered when the star of the show arrived.

"Oh dear, I seem to be late. I apologize," Celestia said, pretending not to notice the awkward silence of the peanut gallery.

"Apple... jack?" Twilight found her voice first but trailed off again just as quickly. Indeed, the blonde-haired, orange-bodied pony had accompanied the Princess into the room. Until then, I hadn't fully appreciated the size difference between the alien rulers and their subjects. My height of six feet and change put my eye level well within optimal motorboat territory on Celestia. If she removed her hat, Applejack could comfortably support one of the Princess's massive breasts on the top of her head.

On the subject of breasts, Applejack was certainly no slouch in that department either, definitely on the high end for a human woman of her height. Though she was a bit thicker than her friends, I wouldn't dare call her fat. While talking about herself the day before, she said she'd lived and worked on a farm for most of her life. The extra volume in her arms, legs, and body was likely all muscle. The curves were still pleasant, though I wouldn't put it past the girl to be stronger than I was. Hell, given a couple more months to get used to a humanoid form, she could probably take me in a fight on even terms without resorting to dirty tricks.

Despite being hidden from view, the farm girl still seemed to pick up on my staring. "Is that you in there, Bill? Y'all don't have ta hide in there. You ain't got nothing in there I ain't seen before."

"I'm just fine, thank you," I replied before anyone got any funny ideas.

"Oh, don't worry about him," Celestia teased. "He's just a little shy. I'm sure he'll come out and join us if he feels like it."

Twilight saved me from having to reply to that by finding her voice again. "You? And the Princess?" she stammered. "I thought you weren't into mares like that."

The two ponies made their way over to the futon from the door. Celestia sat down in the center and helped guide her companion into her lap. The Princess started playing with Applejack's hair while she and Twilight conversed.

"But Twi, this is Princess Celestia we're talkin' about. Don't tell me you never thought about it before. I ain't met a mare yet who would turn down the chance right away, not even the straightest of the straight."

Twilight's mouth busied itself trying and failing to form words, and the rest of her face experimented with new and innovative mixtures of red and purple. In the meantime, Celestia had quit playing with Applejack's hair and was now playfully nibbling at her ears while lightly running her hand across the farm girl's belly, stopping occasionally to fondle a boob or tickle her sides. More than a few giggles escaped her mouth under the Princess's ministrations.

"B-b-but, how?" Twilight finally managed.

"She said she wanted somepony to help with Bill's magic problem," Applejack got out before Celestia poked the soft spot on her side, eliciting more giggles. "When she told me my part, I just couldn't bring myself to say, 'No.'"

By then, Celestia had shifted her attention lower. Both hands traced their way up and down the orange pony's inner thighs. Up top, the Princess had begun planting small kisses along her partner's shoulder and neck. Applejack eventually relented and turned her head to allow the barrage of kisses to continue on her cheek.

Celestia took the opportunity to tease her fellow Princess further. "Oh, Twilight, my dear, sweet student," she cooed. "I don't want you to feel left out. I don't mind a little audience participation."

Twilight, for her part, remained firmly rooted in place, probably too stunned to react.

Applejack either got tired of Twilight's questioning, or she just couldn't take the ramping up of Celestia's attention. She let out a tiny moan before twisting around and pushing the Princess backward onto her back. The two of them fell together, and while Applejack took a second to recover, Celestia took the initiative, pulling the blonde-haired pony in for a deep kiss that lasted several seconds.

Seemingly at a loss for what to do next, Applejack went in for more kisses. Celestia eventually broke off to direct her companion's attention elsewhere. She helped Applejack shift herself lower, allowing the farm pony to use the royal bosom as a pillow. At the same time, the Princess raised her knees and spread her legs slightly, planting her feet and forcing her partner to straddle her while leaving just enough room between their two bodies for two hands to reach down. At first, Applejack hesitated, but Celestia took her hand and guided it to its target.

The Princess used her other hand to reach in and play with Applejack's breasts. From my angle, I couldn't quite see everything, but the pleased murmurs and giggles left plenty of the finer details to my active imagination. Celestia whispered something, and Applejack used her free arm to prop herself up to nuzzle into one of the Princess's magnificent mounds. Celestia moved her fondling hand to hold Applejack in place while she began licking and kissing around the Princess's nipple.

Suddenly, Applejack's supporting hand gave out, and she collapsed on top of her partner. She buried her face within the comfort of the Princess's ample bosom. Down below, Celestia withdrew her hand and offered a finger for the farm pony's sampling. Applejack winced slightly, probably surprised at the unexpected taste. Celestia smiled and let out a giggle in response before taking a taste of her own. She then lifted Applejack back up into kissing range to share another extended, deep kiss.

Once more, Celestia assisted a change in position. Applejack settled her nethers where the Princess could use her lips to scout the surface and her tongue to explore the depths. She used her hands to firmly squeeze the apple-adorned buttcheeks of her counterpart. The farmer arched her back, using her arms for support while Celestia did her thing. I still couldn't see everything, so I focused on Applejack's sizeable sweater stuffers as they bounced rhythmically in time with her pleasure.

As always, I finished well before the show did, and as always, the show continued regardless. I got the distinct impression that Celestia knew I was done and that she wasn't doing this for just my benefit. The scene before me only drove that point home further. The action taking place on the futon was not meant for an audience like a porn film would be. This was two people hell-bent on enjoying themselves and each other to the fullest extent they could manage. Celestia's smooth, confident movements contrasted with Applejack's awkward, often hesitant maneuvers, but the Princess didn't seem to care as she helpfully guided the smaller pony's actions.

Apparently done dining on delectable downstairs delights, Celestia turned and let Applejack fall over to the side. After extracting herself, she pushed herself up and crawled over to the downed pony on her hands and knees with a mischievous smile on her face and her wings lazily extending from her back. The Princess then grabbed her partner's wrists and held them down while she unleashed another barrage of kisses on her helpless, but madly giggling prey. She started with several quick smooches all over Applejack's face, occasionally dropping a longer one right on the lips. Then, she slowly moved lower, planting several more along the neck and shoulders. Finally, she got to the boobs. Those got special attention in the form of Celestia's tongue gently tickling each nipple before she went in for full-blown boob sucking.

Much to the detriment of my viewing pleasure, Celestia's wings relaxed and slowly lowered to the floor, effectively concealing the two performers in a shroud of warm, feathery softness. I took the opportunity to check on my counterpart to see if she'd regained her composure.

Twilight Sparkle was drooling. Her jaw hung slack, and her eyes were transfixed upon the sight before her. I also noticed one of her hands poking around in a very intimate place. Even the uptight Princess purple couldn't resist. I glanced at a nearby mirror to make sure I hadn't lost my bubble due to its caster going cross-eyed.

It took a couple more minutes for the sounds of pleasure to die down to contented murmurs. Slowly, Celestia retracted her wings and raised herself into a sitting position. Applejack, having been reduced to a moaning puddle of happy, was repositioned so that her head rested in the Princess's lap. For a few brief moments, the loving look directed at the orange one made it seem as if nothing else in the world existed. Then she looked up at me and Twilight.

"Such a shame you'll be leaving tonight. I should have thought of this sooner."

I had my own thoughts. 'That just happened, right there in front of me, and all I did was sit here and watch.'

Maybe Cadance's plan wouldn't be so bad after all.

Chapter 9) To Ponyville!

Despite not technically being home, I was kinda sad to leave my room in the palace. It was a nice room with a comfy bed and a decent view from the balcony. I even had a few fond memories of the place. There was me nearly getting smothered by big yellow boobs, nearly getting smothered by big pink boobs, arguing with Twilight about something or another, awkwardly chatting with alien royalty, throwing pillows at those who displeased me, and all those wonderful wake-up calls courtesy of Fluttershy. During my short stay in the palace, the room had become a sanctuary of sorts, my safe haven.

And I was about to leave it for some town out in the boonies where who knew what lay in store.

Packing up and carrying all my belongings was easy considering how little I actually had. My wardrobe consisted of the clothes on my back plus some extra changes of underwear. I also took some hygiene supplies from the bathroom on the assumption that they were complimentary. I dropped everything I wasn't wearing into a pillow case and tied that to the end of a broom handle I'd pilfered from a nearby maid's closet.

I took a moment to check myself out in the mirror. Before I'd been pulled out of my bedroom back on Earth, my beard was little more than stubble. By now, it had grown in just enough to be properly scraggly. Unfortunately, whoever stocked the bathroom hadn't thought to include a shaving kit or even a beard trimmer. My hair was pretty much a lost cause as well. I was already overdue for a haircut before, but now, even a tactful observer would consider it, "a bit unruly." I still ran a comb through, for all the good that would accomplish.

On general principle, I paced around the room one last time before heading back down. I knew I hadn't forgotten anything important because everything I really wanted to have with me was on my home world and thus, inaccessible.

As I completed my circuit, Luna appeared in the doorway. "Twilight Sparkle and her friends await. Are you finished here?"

Saying nothing, I nodded and followed her out.

Luna headed off into the throne room once we'd made it downstairs. The entry hall had more than just Twilight and company waiting on me. A handful of guards and a few nurses from the medical staff were also set for the trip. One of the guards was discussing something with Twilight over an unrolled piece of paper. As I approached, I saw it was a map that appeared to show the route our train would take.

"So, we're taking the scenic route?" I butted in after listening in for a few seconds.

The guard spoke up first. "When a train pulling two royal sleeper coaches passes through a town, it tends to attract attention. In the interest of security, we're taking a longer route that keeps us away from crowded areas until we reach Ponyville."

I accepted the guard's explanation. It only made sense to keep the VIP out of harm's way when traveling.

"What?" Twilight asked. "No argument?"

"He answered my question, not you," I pointed out, gesturing to each of them in turn.

Celestia and Luna emerged from the throne room and got everyone's attention. The assembled ponies made their best attempts at bowing without falling over. Most of them succeeded, if only just. The Princesses, for their part, acknowledged them with their usual benevolence.

Luna addressed the group, "We apologize for not accompanying you all to the station. Our duties require us to remain here. Nevertheless, we shall see you off from here with the assurance that accomodations in Ponyville have been arranged for those without residence, and that reasonable expenses will be covered by the crown."

The guards opened the main palace doors and filed out first, followed by the nurses. Twilight and the others got more personal farewells from Celestia and Luna, who had moved over to the exit to distribute hugs and nuzzles.

I went ahead to wait outside, but a pink wing belonging to a pink Princess disagreed with my decision. "Ah ah ah, not so fast," Cadance chided lightly. "You're not going anywhere until you go over there and get your hugs."

Retracting her wing, Cadance guided me into line and took her spot behind me. I soon found myself in front of Celestia. She regarded me with an amused smirk before pulling me in. As I'd predicted many times before, my face went straight into that wonderful place betwixt her beautiful, bountiful bosoms. I didn't do anything so tasteless as motorboating. I did, however, take slightly more time than was strictly necessary to enjoy my position. Besides, she was still hugging me. I finally managed to reach up and hook my arms under her shoulders to return the hug.

Just before letting me go, the Princess leaned down and whispered in my ear, "Was that so hard?"

Luna, being slightly shorter than Celestia, couldn't quite smother me in fuzzy cleavage the way her sister had. Instead, she rested her chin on top of my head as I rested the side of my face on her rack. Luna had decided to get her wings in on the act. I couldn't reach upward to return the hug like I had on the taller Princess, and I also couldn't wrap my arms around the normal way. I was forced to aim for a slightly lower target. I tried not to squeeze. Really, I did.

Luna broke the hug and gave a quick nuzzle before she whispered, "We shall meet again soon," and let me go.

Not long after I'd stepped outside, the pink Princess exchanged parting hugs with her peers and joined us outside, grinning at me as she approached. "So," she teased, "Ready to admit you enjoyed that?"

With a defiant huff, I made a show out of crossing my arms and turning my head to the side. That earned me a few giggles, but principles are principles. Like hell I would admit defeat, even if I had been beaten, which I hadn't been.

During our exchange, the guard escort had closed the palace entrance behind us and took up positions around the group. Twilight took the lead and headed for the main gate. Cadance followed close behind me. I offered my arms to provide stability to the less sure-footed members of the group. Fluttershy and one of the nurses took me up on it.

Slowly, but surely, we made our way into the city proper, drawing more than a few stares from the few locals who were out and about. Like my previous trip out with Rarity, I got the distinct feeling that there were more eyes watching us from inside the homes along the street. Also, I idly noted that I had somehow drifted to the center of our procession, surrounded on all sides by Twilight's friends, the accompanying medical staff, and Cadance. An outer layer of royal guards completed the formation.

Our route to the train station took us off the main drag and onto one of the side streets. Most of the businesses were either closed or closing as the Sun drifted slowly toward the horizon. There were, however, certain other businesses that appeared to be just waking up, if the pink lights shining from behind a few windows were any indication.

'Surely, it's just a coincidence,' I thought to myself.

Conveniently, our path happened to veer close enough to one of these nocturnal establishments that I could verify my suspicions. It was housed within the upper floor of what appeared to be a store of some kind. The store's sign advertised its primary wares, warhammers and watermelons, and an exterior staircase provided access to the upper part. When I saw the other sign, I stopped in my tracks, and my jaw hit the metaphorical floor.

Whore Spun

House of Comfort

My groan and sudden halt drew surprised protests from several members of my escort, in turn drawing the attention of the self-proclaimed leader of our group.

"Is there a problem, Richard?"

"Do they have no shame?" I asked the world at large. "They're not even bothering to hide it."

"Why should they be ashamed?" Rarity asked. "It's just a comfort house. Not everypony approves of them, but the taxes always go toward charitable causes."

"Maybe he wants to make a detour," Pinkie suggested, waggling her eyebrows in my direction.

"We don't have time for that," Twilight protested.

"Oh Twilight," Cadance reassured. "It's a private train reserved especially for our use. The engineers wouldn't leave us behind."

"Let's just go," I cut off the discussion before it could get out of hand. On one hand, I was agreeing with Twilight, which was a terrible thing in and of itself. On the other, patronizing a brothel at this stage seemed kind of redundant. I deemed it better to stick with the relatively known quantities surrounding me than to risk whatever the local adult entertainment industry might serve up. For all I knew, it could be full of the alien equivalent of ladyboys.

The train station wasn't much further. We walked just a few more blocks before the platform and tracks came into view. From the looks of it, ours was the only remaining departure for the evening. The ticket booth was already closed, but there were still a few station attendants and guards milling about.

From the outside, the royal coaches looked exactly like one would expect them to. Someone with actual taste and a talent for design had ensured that all the ornate trimmings were there without being overly ostentatious or offensive to the eye. The trim lines extended along the entire length of the train, including the engine itself. To hazard a guess, Twilight, Cadance, and the girls would take the two royal cars, and the guards, medical staff, and I would be distributed among the other three cars along with whatever catering and other services would accompany us on the trip.

To my surprise, Cadance took me by the shoulder as I started following the guards to their car and steered me to the first of the two royal coaches instead. "Where do you think you're going?" she asked.

"Uhh..." I replied dumbly. "I thought that since we're going so far out of the way for security, the most secure place for me would be with the guards."

"Nice try," the pink Princess said dismissively. "But you're riding with us. We even set it up for you to have your own bed."

Thankful for at least one small concession, I let her guide me on board. The first sleeping compartment took up most of the width of the car, leaving a narrow passageway for movement from one car to the next. I couldn't see inside the compartment because of the curtains over the windows. Separating the two sleeping compartments was a common area in the middle of the car. The furniture was not unlike the sitting area in my guest room, with a low coffee table surrounded by plush sofas and chairs.

Cadance indicated the far compartment to be my bed for the night. Stepping inside, I dropped my stuff on a nearby table. The bed covers were more or less what my guest room had but smaller, for obvious reasons. Though, I could still easily fit on it with plenty of room to spare. The rest of the room wasn't much to speak of.  There was a small vanity in one corner as well as a sink next to a curtained-off area that housed a commode. The sparse decor made me wonder if Celestia had a say in it, or if it was simply a practical matter of not wanting a bunch of fragile, expensive stuff getting jostled around on a moving train.

I turned back to the common area to see only Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Fluttershy looking back at me. The others had already made their way to the other coach.

"Don't just stand there, darling. Come join us," Rarity said, gesturing to an empty spot on the couch next to Fluttershy.

"Yeah," Pinkie chimed in. "We have cookies."

'How can I refuse?'

Sure enough, there was a tray of cookies sitting on the table along with a pitcher of milk and some glasses. I took the offered seat and began reviewing my options. The peanut butter cookies were right out. Many family members have tried, without success, to produce one that I would like, but as far as I was concerned, peanut butter just never tastes right after baking. Outside of that, there was the fairly standard trio of sugar, chocolate chip, and oatmeal raisin. I went with the oatmeal raisin and poured myself a glass of milk.

From outside, the conductor called, "All aboard!" and the train began moving shortly after.

"To Ponyville!" Pinkie declared happily.

Unsure of what to talk about, I let the girls tell me all about their hometown and their livelihoods and the things they wanted to show me once we arrived. According to them, I would just love it in Ponyville, or at the very least, I wouldn't lack for something to do. After a while, Rarity complained that it was too stuffy inside the cabin. I thought it was perfectly fine, but she asked nicely so I agreed to let her open one of the windows to let some air in.

The way down the mountain passed through several tunnels and made too much noise for any kind of peaceful shuteye, so I waited it out while helping Pinkie deplete the cookie supply. After we cleared the last tunnel, my travel buddies excused themselves to their compartment. Apparently, they'd had the same idea as I did.

With the door shut behind me, I shed my clothes and went about my usual evening routine. The bed made up for its smaller size by being extra soft, and I settled in to make myself comfortable for the night. For the first time in a while, I had little trouble falling asleep.

The tattered rags I wore did nothing to protect from the ice storm, yet I still clung to them as if my life depended on it. I didn't know how to do anything else. Flat and empty, the landscape extended as far as I could see in every direction. Although, in the driving snow, that wasn't very far. At least, that's what I told myself as I forced myself to keep going, to find some kind of shelter even as I became more disoriented by the minute. Any respite from the bitter cold would do.

Suddenly, I was engulfed in warmth. The snowstorm hadn't abated. It simply no longer reached me, as if a barrier had formed and shut out the frigid wind. Wherever my skin was exposed, I felt a strange but soft tickling sensation, not unlike being wrapped in a thick, fuzzy, invisible blanket.

I woke up to find a pair of new additions to my bed. They pressed gently against my shoulders. Other additions included an arm wrapped around my chest and a wing folded around my entire upper body. To top it all off, whoever had joined me had thrown an extra comforter over both of us.

Though a sheet and blanket still separated me from my newfound companion, my chest and shoulders were not covered. Her fur and feathers felt like fine silk against my bare skin. Given the wings, I could narrow down the list of potential culprits. Celestia and Luna had stayed behind in Canterlot, so they were out. Rainbow Dash lacked the chest cushions to give the same sensation I felt in my shoulders. Twilight and Cadance were possible candidates, but I was pretty sure Twilight wasn't that fond of me, and Cadance seemed more interested in teasing me while encouraging the others rather than indulging in activities herself. That just left one other possibility. A contented sigh from behind confirmed my suspicion. Fluttershy was in bed with me.

If she felt the sudden jump in my heart rate, she didn't say anything. Although, she was most likely still asleep and had no idea I was awake. It certainly wasn't an unpleasant feeling to be embraced in such a manner. In fact, the warmth and tenderness of being held so closely by someone else was more than welcome. I just never expected Fluttershy to be so forward so soon. Rarity and Pinkie Pie seemed more flirtatious and outgoing. I figured one of them would've made the first move.

Of course, I'd learned enough from everyone else to know that the yellow one's apparent shyness wasn't the whole picture. If the things they said were true, then this girl had sent a full-grown, honest-to-god dragon packing simply by reading him the riot act. She also won a staring contest with a foul beast that could turn its victim to stone for that type of offense, and I still remembered her telling me about how she wakes up sleeping bears for fun.

With all that in mind, if this world's most hardcore badass had decided that it was time for cuddling, then I was certainly not in a position to argue. Not that I would anyway, I couldn't even think of the right words to describe just how good it felt.

Besides, she just so happened to be perfectly positioned to snap my neck at the first sign of defiance, but that was more of a side note coming from the cynical part of my mind. I let myself sink into the relaxing warmth and fell back asleep.

I was surrounded by flowers, a whole field of flowers, far as the eye could see in every direction. Some light clouds provided just the right amount of shade, allowing the sun to gently warm the landscape without overwhelming everything. I walked around aimlessly for a while, still alone as far as I could tell. At least the smell was pleasant. A gentle breeze mixed all the scents together and wafted the finished product across my face.

Curious, I bent down and picked one of the flowers for closer inspection. For reasons I couldn't explain, I decided to give it a taste test, just a lick. It certainly didn't taste like what I expected a flower to taste like. The petals seemed to have a fuzzy underside that tickled my chin and bottom lip, and they had a definite non-leafy texture. It crossed my mind that I probably wasn't dealing with literal flowers.

When I woke up again, the light of dawn was already peeking in through the window and illuminating the compartment's interior. Fluttershy's ear twitched and batted me in the face, damp with my saliva. Putting two and two together, I noted that we had switched positions during the night. We had both rolled over in our sleep and now faced the cabin instead of the window, making me the big spoon. Since her wings prevented me from getting an arm around her properly, my hand had decided of its own accord to place itself on her hip. As a further act of treason, it was gently stroking up and down from her butt to her side.

After a few seconds, Fluttershy began to stir, and if her pleased murmuring was any indication, she had no objections to this horrifying state of affairs. She even curled up a bit and pressed her back tighter against my chest, allowing my traitorous hand to reach around to her stomach. How she managed to stay comfortable with her wings folded the way they were was beyond me.

Right on cue, there was a knock on the cabin door, and Rarity stepped in. "Fluttershy, are you in..." She trailed off as soon as she saw the two of us in our compromising position. Her look of bewilderment quickly changed to one of mischief. "My my my, Bill, what do we have here?"

"It's not what it looks like," I defended, removing my hand from Fluttershy's flawless flank. Although, Rarity probably wouldn't have noticed since it was underneath a thick comforter. She definitely wouldn't have noticed the morning wood straining against boxers and bedsheets to press against her yellow friend's backside. Fluttershy, for her part, continued to give no objections.

Rarity tilted her head to the side, looking confused. "Really?" she asked. Then she reverted to her previous look of mischievous glee, "So you aren't feeling cold and snuggling up to Fluttershy to stay warm? Why Bill, I never expected this from you. Yet here you are, taking Princess Cadance's advice. Good for you."

"Did somepony say my name?" the aforementioned pink Princess inquired as she stepped into the cabin, once again demonstrating her impeccable timing. She got one look at how red my face was before covering her mouth to suppress the impending giggles.

Meanwhile, Fluttershy rolled over to face me, getting my attention by taking my hand and holding it to her chest. "It's okay, Bill. You don't have to do anything, um, if you don't want to," she said softly.

"When did you come in here anyway?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"Um, well," Fluttershy hesitated. "After we went to bed last night, I felt a chill in our cabin. Then, I remembered that we forgot to shut the window before we went to bed, and I thought that if it was bad for us, it must be awful for you, so I came to check. You were shivering so bad that I had to warm you up fast, and the only way to do that was to share my body heat. Please don't be mad at me."

Only a soulless monster could stay mad in the face of those deep, pleading pools of blue looking back at me, not that I was angry to begin with. On the inside, I felt almost as warm and fuzzy as the copious cleavage currently concealing my hand. I let out a relaxed sigh and angled my head to touch my forehead to hers for a couple seconds. Fluttershy let out a barely audible giggle and nuzzled under my chin in return.

Cadance finally recovered enough to speak up again, "Awww," she complained. "So do I get to tell Twilight not to bother setting up the extra bed or not?"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," I replied. "Though, I am warming up to the idea."

That drew giggles from both Rarity and Cadance. "Well, we'll just leave you two alone, then," Rarity said, turning to leave. "Breakfast is outside when you're ready."

"We'll be in Ponyville in about an hour, so don't take too long," Cadance added as she left.

That just left me and the yellow one. She was still cuddled up against me and reluctant to move. I understood completely. I, too, didn't want to get up, but given the time limit, something had to give.

"Fluttershy, I'm fine now. You can go join your friends, and I'll be out there as soon as I get dressed."

"Oh my. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..." she started saying in an increasingly frantic voice.

"Fluttershy," I cut her off. "I'm not mad. You have nothing to apologize for."

She calmed down a bit before extricating herself from me and the pile of sheets, blankets, and bedcovers on top of us. Once free to move again, I sat up to watch her leave.

"Thanks," I said quietly, and she stopped short of the door to look back at me. "I needed that, but if you tell anyone else about it, I'll deny everything."

Fluttershy just smiled in acknowledgement before walking out and shutting the door behind her.

All eight of us ate breakfast together in the sitting area outside my cabin. By the time we were all done, the train had begun to slow down for its approach to Ponyville. My first order of business was to get settled into my guest room at Twilight's residence, which doubled as the public library for some reason. I guessed it was just another cultural oddity that I had to write off. Of course, I did put up a token protest to staying with the purple one, but Cadance insisted that it wasn't up for debate since Celestia had placed me under royal supervision and that she was also staying with Twilight.

One by one, Twilight's friends broke off from the group towards their own homes as we made our way through Ponyville. We even left the medical team and all but one of the guards at an inn just off the main street.

All three of us had to duck just to get in the front door of the library, but at least the ceiling inside was a reasonable height. The remaining guard posted himself outside. Twilight's live-in assistant, a so-called baby dragon named Spike, showed me up to my accomodations. Upon seeing his posture and bipedal gait, I asked if he was affected by the same transformation as the ponies. Apparently, dragons have a high enough resistance to magic that he hadn't been changed.

In exchange for a few moments of peace and quiet, I agreed to let him ask any questions he wanted at a later time. He seemed like an okay kid, if a bit excitable. Granted, I was an alien from another planet taking up residence in his house. He went down to help the two Princesses with whatever they needed while I took stock of my new digs. The bed was smaller than those at the palace and in the royal coaches on the train, but it was pretty close to what I had back home. It wasn't anything special, but it was clean and serviceable, and that was all that mattered to me. I emptied my bindle and sorted out what little I had. An empty drawer became the new home to my pile of extra skivvies, and I set aside my hygiene supplies to be moved into the bathroom if and when I ever found a spot for them among the piles of products likely accumulated by my hostess.

Heading downstairs, I was nearly bowled over by Cadance. She wrapped her arms around me, looked me in the eyes, and gave me the biggest sad puppy face I'd ever seen.

"Uhh, can I help you?" I asked awkwardly, not expecting this kind of attack without context. Although, a not-so-small part of me was ready to agree to whatever she wanted.

"Can I sleep with you? Twilight's bed is too small for the both of us, and the only other option is the couch."

"Cadance!" From the sound of her voice, Twilight was horrified at the prospect. "You're married!"

"What of it?" the pink one retorted, not letting me go. "Your brother is married too, but we don't let it get in the way of this and that."

Spike took the opportunity to make his presence known. "Uhh, am I interrupting something?"

"Oh, Spike..." Twilight trailed off for a few seconds. "How would you like to go help Rarity? She's been away from her boutique for so long without her supplies. I'll bet she needs someone to take care of her chores while she's busy with any new ideas she's come up with."

"Really?" Spike asked as if Christmas had come early.

"Yes, you have my permission."

I didn't think the little guy could move so fast. The front door was opened and shut before I could see where he'd been.

"Wait, what's going on?" I chimed in. I was still processing what Cadance wanted from me and why she wanted it.

"I want to know if you're willing to share the guest bed with me since Twilight's bed is too small, and the couch is uncomfortable."

As soon as Cadance let me go, I walked over to the couch and sat down. "Twilight says you're married," I pointed out. "Where I'm from, that sort of thing is pretty heavily frowned on, especially if you're a public figure. Adultery is serious business."

Cadance just rolled her eyes and sat down next to me. "Shining is probably getting busy with one of the mistresses I introduced him to as we speak. We've both agreed that we can still mess around with other ponies as long as we're upfront about it, and it's not estrus season. When the mares are in heat, though, he's all mine."

Twilight seemed to take this revelation even worse than I did. Granted, she was probably learning way more about her brother's sex life than she ever cared to know. "B-but, I thought the transformation made us all go into heat out of season," she rationalized.

"You had access to a room full of doctors and nurses, and you never bothered to confirm it with them?" Cadance asked incredulously. "The hormones are there, so we all feel like we're in heat, but none of the mares that have been checked were actually fertile. It's a false estrus, so Shining can get all the practice he needs in his new body while I'm away. Then, when I get back, he can show me everything he's learned. It'll be like a test."

I couldn't decide whether to be amused at Twilight's horrified reaction or terrified by Cadance's gleeful enthusiasm while discussing the subject at hand.

"Sooo," Cadance turned her attention back in my direction and drew out her words slowly. "Can I? I can help you stay warm during the cold nights."

I knew she was turning up the charm to entice me, and it was super effective. "Fine," I relented with a sigh. "But no funny business."

"Of course I wouldn't try any funny business," the pink Princess radiated the innocence of pure intentions in every direction. "I solemnly swear I won't do anything Fluttershy didn't do with you on the train," she said. Then she leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Unless you want me to."

Cadance gave me a quick wink as she leaned back. Twilight shot me a Dirty Look.

'Why do I feel like I've sold my soul to the Devil?'

Chapter 10) Happy Hearth's Warming

"And, done," Twilight said with a satisfied grin. It had taken her the better part of the morning to figure out a solution to our sleeping arrangements, but she finally understood the benefits of a royal expense account. One quick trip to the local furniture store and a determined purple Princess willing to do all the magical heavy lifting saw to the installation of another extra bed (in Twilight's room, of course).

"Awww, now we won't get to be bed buddies," Cadance complained. Though, I doubted her sincerity given the amount of help she provided in putting the damn thing together. It wasn't like we could have shared anyway. Twilight's bed was the same size as mine, and if both Princesses couldn't fit together, then there was no way Cadance would fit in with me.

"I don't get it. Why couldn't one of you just sleep on the couch?" Spike asked. Rarity had sent him back after lunch, and he pitched in where he could to assemble the new bed. Then, he moved his own bed box into my room. Seriously, the kid slept in a box. On his feet, he may not have stood much higher than my knees, but his bed was tiny even by that standard. Maybe he liked it that way, though.

"Like hell I'm sleeping in a part of the library that's open to the public," I gave my two cents. If push really came to shove, I'd sooner climb in bed with Twilight than accept relegation to the couch through no fault of my own. That might carry the added risk of getting speared in the face by her horn if I was the big spoon, but that was acceptable compared to the indignity of the alternative.

"Spike," Twilight addressed the little dragon. "What kind of Princess would I be if I didn't try to accomodate the needs of my guests? It wouldn't just make me look bad. It would make all of us Princesses look bad, and by extenstion, all of Equestria."

That pretty much ended that conversation, except for the part where Cadance pulled me into a bear hug while saying, "Awww, our little Twily is growing up." She even threw in some tears of joy for good measure.

The next day, I realized that if I was gonna be here a while, I'd need shoes if I ever wanted to leave the library once the snow started falling. Twilight and Cadance both nominated Rarity as the best pony to assist in the fulfillment of that need. Spike volunteered to lead the way, and the guard on shift followed close behind. When I asked about it, he said that I would be supervised at all times by a guard, a Princess, or one of Twilight's friends at all times. On our arrival at Rarity's place, Spike and I went inside, and the guard posted himself at the door. I didn't bother asking about the exterior architecture, as I was certain the answer would lead to another attempt at using alcohol as brain bleach.

Rarity greeted us with a smile. Spike asked if there was anything else he could do while he was there, apparently hoping that there would be, if I was reading the look on his face right. Unfortunately for him, the target of his obvious puppy-love crush had nothing for him to do and sent him back to Twilight.

"So," she said, turning her full attention to me, "Business or pleasure?"

"Business," I replied, perhaps a bit too quickly.

The white pony smiled and stared at me with half-lidded eyes for a few extra seconds. Seeming satisfied that she had my number, she continued. "Then welcome to Carousel Boutique, where everything is chic, unique, and magnifique." While delivering her tagline, she spread her arms and did a twirl as if making a grand gesture to show off her wares. Although, I may have been focused on the wrong set of wares.

"Was that really necessary?" I asked.

"But of course," Rarity answered, fluttering her eyes at me. "It's how I welcome all newcomers to the boutique."

'So it's company policy?' I thought to myself.

"I also like watching your face change color. That particular shade of red really suits you," she added. "But seriously, dear, what brings you to my humble shop?"

"I need something for walking around in snow. I'm fine like this for now, but if it's gonna get cold, I can't be going around barefoot if I want to keep my toes. Twilight and Cadance said you could help me get some decent footwear, so here I am."

"Well," Rarity paused, "I do know a pony who could put together some boots for you." Her tone of voice suggested there would be a price, however.

"I'm sensing there's a 'but' here," I stated tentatively. "What's the catch?"

The dressmaker hesitated again. "Forgive me, Bill. There's no real polite way for me to say this, but have you seen yourself in a mirror lately? You look simply dreadful. Your mane looks like you just rolled out of bed, and that beard simply does not suit you at all."

"I kinda had other things to do that were more important than hunting for a barber shop, and of the many things provided in my palace suite, a shaving kit wasn't one of them."

Rarity raised an eyebrow, "You do realize you could have just asked for one at any time, right?"

I gave her a deadpan glare. "Are you going to help me or not?"

"Of course I will, but instead of letting you fall asleep while you wait for your new boots, I'm taking you to the barber shop for a shave and a manecut, and I'm not taking, 'No,' for an answer."

With that settled, we set off to get what I needed. The boot maker's place wasn't far, and we got there in short order. The owner, a petite blue earth pony, looked ready to bolt when I ducked inside her shop, but Rarity and my personal bodyguard helped smooth things over. I still caught her looking warily in my direction as my chaperones for the day did all the talking on my behalf.

When it came time to measure my feet, the initial shock and fear had worn off, giving way to curiosity. We exchanged introductions, and the shopkeeper set to work sizing up my feet. From looking around at the state of the shop, I gathered that she had already been working on boots designed to fit the ponies' new foot shape, perhaps hoping to capitalize on a potential business opportunity.

Once finished measuring, the boot maker retrieved a block of wood and quickly cut it into roughly the shape of my foot. She occasionally held it up next to my foot for comparison and whittled away at it some more until she was satisfied. Delivery was promised later in the afternoon, and Rarity convinced her to bring them to the boutique whenever they were done.

Another short walk took us to the front of a barber shop. If it weren't for the staff and clientele, the place would be indistinguishable from any barber shop on Earth. In what was either a massive cosmic coincidence or possibly the result of universal convergent evolution of barber shops, it even had the standard red and white spiral spinning away next to the door.

Thankfully, Rarity let me tell the barber what I wanted rather than interject her own opinion into the matter. She sat and waited in the row of chairs against the wall, reading a magazine and occasionally looking up to check on the barber's progress.

For his part, the unicorn barber followed my instructions. Surprisingly, the revelation that I was an alien from another planet didn't seem to faze him. I got a bit nervous when he levitated a straight razor to shave off my beard and moustache, but he seemed to know what he was doing.

Soon enough, it was all done. There's definitely something to be said for a straight razor shave. With an experienced touch, the end result is far superior to any of the mach-fusion-more-blades-equals-better-than-marketing-ploy razors, and a warm lather of shaving soap beats aerosol goop hands down. Even Rarity voiced her approval.

On the way back to Rarity's place, I took note of the pegasi flying around. Rainbow Dash was one of the few among them with any level of confidence at all, and even she looked slightly off balance. Many of the others appeared to be holding on to clouds for dear life. It was yet another oddity I was able to shrug off after Celestia and Luna did their thing at the palace. Clearly, sanity would be optional during my stay on this planet. Rainbow Dash continued trying to coax her companions off their clouds, but one of them had already devised a technique of using small bits of cloud as makeshift elevators to get from the ground to the sky.

"Looks like the weather team is hard at work," Rarity mused, just loud enough for me to hear. "It must be tough having to re-learn how to fly this close to a season change, and the first snowstorm is scheduled for the day after tomorrow. The poor dears."

I gave a non-committal grunt, not really sure of how I was supposed to feel. Sure, it was good to see that the locals could adapt to their new forms, but how long they were stuck that way depended on how soon I could expel the magic from my loins.

Back at the boutique, the guard took his post outside the door as I stepped inside with Rarity. We shared a light lunch with some tea as we waited for delivery of my new boots. Every once in a while, though, I'd catch her smiling at me with half-lidded eyes.

"Okay, I'll bite," I said, unable to take the onslaught of my hostess's bedroom eyes any longer. "What kind of scheming are you up to now?"

"Who, me?" she asked innocently. "No scheming. I'm simply admiring how well you clean up with just a trivial effort toward your appearance."

'Yeah, she's up to something,' I thought. Curious to see how far she wanted to take it, I raised an eyebrow in reply.

"Oh, don't give me that," she said coyly. "I'm merely paying you a compliment. Come here, and let me get a closer look." She stood up and gestured me to follow her into a sitting room separate from the business side of her home.

I followed Rarity into the room and took a seat on a funny looking half-couch thing that she led me to. She sat down too and turned to face me, reaching a hand up and running her fingers along my jawline.

"Doesn't that feel so much better?"

"Yeah," I admitted. "It feels a lot better." That wasn't a lie; I'd always felt better after a good, close shave. The attention I was getting from Rarity wasn't bad either, and I turned my head a few times to let her feel different parts of my face.

"So smooth," she said, giggling.

Sadly, our little moment was interrupted by a knock at the front door. I let out an exaggerated huff of disappointment, and Rarity rolled her eyes as she got up to answer it.

The interruption turned out to be the delivery of my new boots, and even though I'd forgotten to ask, the boot maker had thought to bring a few pairs of socks. I took a few minutes to test them out, walking around the room and jumping up and down. They were a bit stiff, but that wouldn't be a problem once I broke them in a little. Once all parties were satisfied with the delivered product, Rarity sent the boot maker off to Twilight's place to discuss the cost. Meanwhile, I set my new boots by the door so I wouldn't forget them when I left.

"Now," Rarity said, quickly reverting to her flirtatious demeanor from before. "Where were we?"

"In the other room," I answered dismissively.

"Really? What were we doing in there?" she asked, catching on to the joke with a mischievous grin.

I put on a thoughtful expression and replied, "I'm not completely sure, but I think you were checking out the results of a clean shave on my face."

As I was speaking, the white unicorn had closed the distance between us. When I turned to face her again, she wrapped one arm around my waist and pulled the two of us together. She reached up with her other hand to stroke my chin, all while meeting my gaze with weapons-grade bedroom eyes. "And were you enjoying it?"

"Well, it did tickle a bit," I admitted, feigning indifference. Although, there was no way she didn't know the effect our little charade was having. It was pressed right up against her stomach for crying out loud.

Releasing me from her embrace, Rarity hooked her arm around mine and started back toward her living room with me in tow. "Is that so? Then perhaps we should go and pick up where we left off."

I let her lead me back to the half-couch and took my seat. However, instead of retaking her prior spot, Rarity placed a hand on my chest and gently pushed me to lean back. As she did so, she slowly and deliberately climbed up on top of me and straddled my lap, using her knees for support and placing her hands on my shoulders to balance herself. During the process, I had a brief, up close look at her breasts as they hung and swayed just inches from my face. While they were nowhere near the same size as Fluttershy or Pinkie Pie, they had a perky firmness that foretold fantastic fondling funtimes. Having already decided I was done resisting my libido, I reached up to cop a feel.

Rarity had other things in mind. She caught me by the wrist and directed my hand around her waist, just above her hips. "Ah, ah, ah," she chided softly. "I've seen where your eyes go when you think nopony's looking. Relax, and take it slowly. You'll enjoy it even more."

She lowered her body to rest on top of mine while continuing to gently stroke my chin. While she did that, I ran my hand up and down her side, occasionally stopping to check for tickle spots. The silky smooth fur covering every inch of her body tickled back, and I even earned a few small giggles for my efforts. I reached around her lower back to trace my finger tips along the curve of her spine, which she responded to by arching backward and once again revealing her fuzzy funbags for my viewing pleasure. Of course, she hammed it up by leaning back slightly while stretching her arms to exaggerate the shape of her chest, and then she started idly playing with her hair while giving me that smug, knowing look that says, "You want this. Don't even try denying it."

She sat over me for a few seconds before leaning back in and whispering in my ear, "If you want me to stop, just say so." Then, she began rubbing the side of her face against mine.

I wanted no part in whatever drugs or other substances one would have to be on to say, "No," this far into the proceedings. Alien or not, Rarity sure as hell knew how to make a guy feel good. She started planting small kisses, starting near the base of my neck and moving slowly up towards my face. To show my appreciation, I moved one hand down to squeeze and massage her beautifully shaped butt, and I reached in with my other to play with her boobs. Not only did she make no move to stop me this time, she moved her arm out of the way and rotated her body slightly to give me easier access. At the same time, she shifted her attention to the other side of my face and began kissing her way up that side.

Upon reaching my chin, she turned my head to face her and then paused. I stared into her deep blue eyes, and I could feel the smile on her lips from how close they were to mine. Her intent was clear. She wanted me to close the final fraction of a millimeter and take my first real kiss from one of these alien ponies since I first woke up in the palace.

Naturally, it was the perfect time for another interruption. Again, it came in the form of a knock at the door. I tried to make the move anyway, pretending not to hear the disturbance, but Rarity was already moving.

"Perhaps another time, dear," she said, offering a small condolence in the form of a quick peck on the forehead before she got up to answer the door.

'Right when I decide to stop cockblocking myself, the rest of the world decides to start.'

I did my best to not let my frustration and disappointment show in the presence of my eternal arch-nemesis, Twilight Sparkle. She had taken the liberty of making an appointment for me to meet the mayor of the town as well as arranging a trip to the hospital for another checkup and to meet the staff there while they did doctorly things. I was assured this was all absolutely necessary to ensure that my every need could be accomodated by local resources.

I spent much of the rest of the day devising a particularly nasty and torturous hell for the purple menace. She'd confided to me about her love for reading and learning from books, so I would arrange to have her locked inside the Library of Congress. There, she would be surrounded by millions of volumes containing a vast wealth of knowledge and culture from a world never before seen by alienkind, and every single one of them would be in a language she couldn't read or speak because Earth doesn't automagically translate everything.

My attempts at sleeping in the next morning were thwarted by some visitors. Three of the local children, now free of their academic obligations for a holiday break, had decided to pass some of their new-found spare time by pestering the alien. I surrendered to their questioning when Spike joined forces with them (I'd made a promise, after all) under the condition that they stop climbing on top of me and go downstairs to wait patiently while I got dressed. There was no way in hell I'd deal with children without the supervision of at least one other responsible adult. Cadance joined in, and so did Twilight. I ignored questions from the latter, but I still noticed her taking copious notes.

The two pink ponies conspired to perpetrate a slumber party at Twilight's house for snowstorm day. For his part, Spike was fobbed off on Applejack's family for a parallel slumber party for the kids. If that wasn't enough to figure out they were up to something, I was 'encouraged' to refresh my shave before the evening proceedings. In the end, I decided to just roll with it.

As the others showed up, enough sleeping bags for everyone appeared from somewhere, so it was decided that all the beds would be moved to Twilight's room, and everyone would share the floor in my guest room. Rainbow Dash didn't show up until after the snowfall had already started, but no one seemed to care, so I dismissed it without comment. We'd only been idly chatting and eating snacks anyway. Although, the unholy rituals did start up eventually.

"Truth," Twilight said. I'd been given the honor of first spin and had the good fortune to interrogate my nemesis.

After careful consideration of my question, I asked, "Why haven't I been continuing the routine we established with Celestia back in Canterlot?" I knew I was supposed to start out with a less direct approach, but she'd been holding out on me lately. I didn't consider it privileged information either, since everyone else seemed to find these sorts of things out anyway.

Twilight shot me an odd look, "It's because we've decided to take Cadance's approach and let you warm up to the idea of intimacy. Our current hypothesis is that the more enjoyment there is for everyone involved, the more effective it is at releasing your magic. Once we..."

"Alright, I get it," I cut her off, knowing where she was going with it. They were buttering me up for more pleasurable liaisons.

'So the happier my wand is, the more magic it shoots. Figures.'

Things stayed pretty tame for the first few turns with most of the victims telling small truths. Rainbow Dash dared to be different and lost her turn for the trouble. I stuck with truth for when the bottle pointed my way. Pinkie wanted to know which Princess I would prefer to spend a week alone with (Luna), and Applejack inquired about my life's ambitions. Naturally, given the nature of the game, things didn't stay sweet and innocent for long.

"So, Bill," Cadance began after I opted for truth when her spin landed on me. "I heard you and Rarity shared a little moment the other day. How far did you get?"

That got everyone's attention real fast. I shot a raised eyebrow to the white unicorn, who regarded me impassively. I would have to stretch my diplomatic skills to their limit if I wanted to wake up in the morning. The trick would be to answer the question without revealing too much.

"Let's just say that if we hadn't been interrupted," I shot a glance over at Twilight, "and you asked me that same question, we were at the part where I might say, 'And then one thing led to another.'"

The peanut gallery voiced their general approval, but I was most concerned about Rarity's response. She appeared to deliberate with herself for a few seconds. Maybe I'd been a bit too presumptuous with my answer. To my relief, though, she smiled and gave a half nod in my direction, indicating that I would be allowed to live for another day.

Things only went downhill from there. I took a dare from Pinkie Pie, who then bound me to take a dare from everyone else in the circle before I'd be allowed to pick truth again. After that, the bottle spins had a suspicious tendency to stop on me.

"I dare you to let me hug you, if you don't mind, that is." Fluttershy was the one I was least worried about, but I soon found out just how serious she took her hugging.

"That a roll of bits down there, or you just happy to be here?" Applejack asked as I participated in a 'pony pile' called for by Rainbow Dash. That elicited some giggling from the other girls, but I took it all in stride. Being surrounded by boobs helped.

"Put this on and hold still," Cadance ordered, brandishing a blindfold. I counted four kisses and an ear nibble before I was allowed to take it off. Even though they were all on the cheek, those kisses were no mere pecks that might be mistaken for a greeting. They lingered, and a couple of them put their bodies into it as well, brushing their bosoms against my bare arms. Unfortunately, I had no way of telling who the culprits were. Twilight was the only straight face I saw after removing the blindfold while everyone else expressed varying degrees of innocence, so figuring out who did what would be an exercise for me.

I also had my fair share of fun. "I dare you to give me a beard that looks like Celestia's mane," I said to Twilight when she foolishly chose to take a dare.

That gave her some pause. She tried to talk me into something else since she would be casting magic directly on me, but I'd already decided that the reward was worth the risk.

The result was magnificent. I struck a few heroic poses just for the fun of it.

Eventually, the game wound down as we reached a point where everyone tacitly agreed that going any further ran the risk of ruining relationships. For an adults-only slumber party, things stayed surprisingly PG-13. At least the view was nice, and no one went to bed angry. I didn't get to keep my beard, though. It wore off after a couple hours.

The morning sunlight greeted us all as we woke up. Maybe it was just me, but some of the other sleeping bags had drifted closer to mine in the course of the night. Pinkie and Applejack encroached from either side, and Fluttershy was close enough to my head for her butt to support my pillow. Sadly, I couldn't enjoy my position for long, as everyone else was already stirring.

Another evening brought yet another party. Granted, the Hearth's Warming Eve party boasted most of the town in attendance and thus required a change of venue, one which would require me to venture outside. While my new boots were up to the task, my clothes by themselves turned out not to be. Coincidentally, Applejack showed up shortly after lunch bearing "early Hearth's Warming presents" from her dear Granny Smith, who upon learning of my plight in the cold, had taken it upon herself to do some knitting.

The party itself took place in the center of town, and several nearby businesses stayed open during the festivities. There were a few outdoor activities for families as well as some kind of play set up on a stage inside city hall. None of that really interested me, so I grabbed a drink from a conveniently located pub and parked myself on a bench outside with a good view from which to watch aliens. A few brave souls came over to talk to me, and I politely entertained their curiosity. The mayor's PR campaign to convince the town that I wasn't a bloodthirsty killing machine appeared to be working, but I had doubts about the necessity of such measures. No one seemed to be outright scared of me, but that could have also been due to the royal guard shadowing my every move.

"Ah, there you are," called a familiar voice. "I've been looking for you."

I turned, and upon seeing Fleur approaching, I raised an eyebrow, "You followed me all the way out here?"

"And I thought you'd miss me," she said with a pout before taking a seat next to me. "How have you been? I didn't intend to come all the way out to Ponyville to make my delivery, but when I went to the palace to drop off the rest of your order, you had already left. The Princess quite generously arranged for me to come here and give you your clothes personally, and it seems somehow appropriate that I should find you on Hearth's Warming Eve."

I'd almost completely forgotten about the extra sets of clothing I'd been promised, but now that she brought it up, I had been wearing the same shirt and pants for several days now. I never thought I'd see the day where I would be genuinely grateful to receive clothes for Christmas.

"I can give them to you now if you'd like," Fleur continued. "Only, I've left them in my hotel room. If you come with me, we can go ahead and make sure everything fits properly."

"Yeah, sure," I struggled to keep my calm as all my mental alarms went off at once. I could already see where this would end up, and I'd long since run out of reasons to want it any other way. Fleur's slim, leggy figure certainly wasn't a ten on the international standard female attractiveness rating scale, but there was just something about how she carried herself: the way she walked, the total confidence when she spoke, or the soft but piercing look in her eyes as she turned to see me following. I couldn't resist her if I tried.

The hotel room was much more upscale than I expected from a town the size of Ponyville. Of course, my experience with hotels back on Earth was pretty much limited to Holiday Inns off the side of the freeway, so I may have been a little bit biased. Still, a bed that was at least a king size and a bathroom featuring a hot tub big enough for the two of us and then some was nothing to shake a stick at.

"Could I interest you in some wine?" Fleur offered, regaining my attention. With an inviting smile she held wine glasses in each hand while a bottle floated lazily beside her wrapped in a magical glow.

I stepped forward, accepting the offered drink. At her direction, I turned around to face the room while she moved in behind me, resting her hands on my shoulders.

"Happy Hearth's Warming," she whispered in my ear as a rack of clothes wheeled itself into view.

Most of the outfits didn't need much scrutiny because they were cut from the same pattern as the one I'd been wearing, and I got those through inspection relatively quickly. Each one got its stamp of approval almost as soon as I emerged from the bathroom where I changed. However, as I changed into the last outfit, the suit, I could hear that Fleur was up to something in the main room. I took one last swig of wine from my glass and presented myself for inspection.

To say that I was surprised by the sight before me would be a colossal understatement.

The pony standing before me broke the silence, "I commissioned it from Rarity while you slept on my sofa. What do you think?"

I thought a great many things about what I saw, not the least of which was how with nothing more than measurements and some basic guidelines about what bits to cover up, Rarity had somehow managed to create something that a human woman might actually wear. There were, however, some liberties taken with the standard 'little black dress' idea. For one, there was an opening in the hip area which showed off Fleur's marking. For another, the dress exposed her bellybutton instead of her back, which was more common if what I'd seen of celebrity awards shows was accurate. Still, with a knee-length skirt and a top that left only a tiny amount of cleavage visible, it could almost have been considered tasteful. Rather, it would have been tasteful if it weren't for the fact that she clearly had no underwear on. Also, the look in her eyes suggested anything but pure intentions.

My face must have answered for me, because I still couldn't find the proper words and sentences to articulate my thoughts.

"I'm glad you like it," Fleur said while slowly walking towards me. Once she got close enough she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and whispered in my ear, "But that's enough about me. This is supposed to be all about you, after all."

As before, she went through the motions of checking the fit and appearance of my suit. She dutifully made notes of where something needed adjustment, but there were hints of an ulterior motive. This inspection was even more 'up close and personal' than the one she'd given my first outfit back at her shop in Canterlot. I don't think she took her hands off me the entire time, and she wasted no opportunity to press her body against mine, often letting exposed patches of her silk-soft fur slide against my hands.

"That's our business for the evening, but what would you say to a little bit of fun?" Fleur's sultry voice once again filled my ear as she began to remove my jacket.

"No objections here," I answered, having finally found my voice.

"Then why don't you have a seat over there?" she suggested, gesturing towards a nearby chair. "You've been standing for so long."

I sat down, curious to see what she had in mind.

Fleur took a seat in my lap and began undoing my bow tie. "I couldn't help but notice you've emptied your glass, shall I give you a refill?" As she spoke, she also took the wine bottle and poured  a small amount into my glass.

Instead of handing it to me, Fleur held it just out of my reach with her magic. She undid a hidden clasp on her dress, exposing her breasts and thrusting them into my face as I helped her shrug off the top half. While I went motorboating, enjoying both the feel of her funbags and the scent of her perfume, she tickled my shoulders and back and then reached down to unhook my suspenders.

"You like it in there, yes?" she cooed. Then, she brought my wine glass down between us and tilted it over, letting the wine trickle down her chest.

I didn't need any prompting. I licked off every drop I could get my tongue on as Fleur trailed the glass across her chest, leaving streams of wine running over and between her luscious bosoms. I couldn't keep up using only my mouth, so I used my fingers to catch any rogue drops that made it down to her stomach.

Fleur wasted no time taking my wine-soaked hand in hers and licking it clean while I did the same to her chest. "Why thank you kind sir. Such an exquisite taste. I think I would like some more."

I looked up, meeting Fleur's gaze with my own. She moved in to lick the stray dribbles around the sides of my mouth before launching a full oral assault. I didn't surrender to her tongue immediately, as that would make it too easy and not as much fun. Instead, I let her lips play against mine for a while before letting her have what she wanted.

The kisses gradually slowed down, becoming longer and more passionate as our tongues intertwined, and our lips tenderly brushed together. Fleur eventually ended our make-out session and stood up. When she tilted her head towards the bed, I got the message and followed suit, leaving my pants behind. While I fell backwards onto the mattress, my partner undid a final button around the back of her skirt and let it fall to the floor as well. Not to be outdone, I took off my shirt and slid out of my boxers to join her in naked bliss.

"Strange," Fleur commented offhand while appraising my manhood, "but still intriguing. May I?"

"As you please, my lady." It never hurts to add a bit of class to naked bedroom playtime.

Fleur slowly ran her tongue along my length, sending a shock of pleasure up my spine when she reached the tip. "Yes, this will do nicely," she said. Then, she perked up as if just realizing something, "Oh dear me. I'm sorry, Bill, darling. How selfish of me to leave you nothing to play with."

Climbing up onto the bed, she turned around to let me play with her while she did the same to me. I gave her a spanking to let her know how naughty she was. In return, she slapped me in the face with her tail, once again filling my nostrils with her wonderful scent.

Fleur resumed her oral ministrations, giving my member many more wet licks while I massaged her butt and thighs. She was a naughty alien, but she'd earned my forgiveness.

I gave two fingers a lick to get them good and wet before teasing around the edge of her pussy. Somehow, she was already wet with anticipation, so I scooped up some of her lady juice and spread it over her clit with my thumb. Once I got her nethers nice and slick, I got curious enough to sample the local flavor. It was somewhat bitter, but not unpleasantly so.

Meanwhile, Fleur began using her whole mouth, completely engulfing my cock and using her tongue to tickle the entire length at once. I retaliated by shoving my two fingers as deep inside her as they would go while using my thumb to play with her slick, juicy nub. I could feel her inner walls contracting furiously, trying to draw my fingers in deeper to no avail.

On her end, Fleur was sucking my dick like a drinking straw while I tried to hold myself back as long as I could. I grabbed the base of her tail and pulled, prompting her to squeak in surprise. I gave another tug to see if she would do it again, but wound up disappointed. She did, however, scoot back a bit, putting herself in my licking range. Naturally, I obliged.

My tongue didn't quite have the same dexterity as my fingers, but I was licking for me, not her. I soon went back to my two-finger-plus-thumb attack, this time wiggling my fingers inside her and tickling her wet depths every time they contracted.

Feeling the building sensation on my own equipment, I could tell I was close. Fleur picked up on it too. "Don't hold back on my account. I want every drop."

Realizing my time was short, I redoubled my efforts on my end, doing everything I could think of to get her pleasure. I added a third finger to the mix and pumped furiously. She was wet enough, but I couldn't tell if I'd accomplished anything or not. Eventually, I couldn't hold my release any longer, and Fleur claimed her reward for victory.

"You can stop now, dear. I'm not a vocal bedmate if that's what you were hoping for."

We took turns using the bathroom to clean ourselves up. It was only when I started getting dressed and gathering my new wardrobe that Fleur interrupted.

"You know, it's getting late out there, and this bed is far too big to spend a night alone."

Just the suggestion gave me pause. I remembered how it felt when Fluttershy crawled into bed with me on the train. Another night like that would not go amiss; Twilight would understand.

Chapter 11) And Where Do You Think You're Going?

There are certain advantages to sharing a bed with a tall woman. One of my favorites is the ability to comfortably trade roles as cuddler or cuddlee. I wouldn't dream of disparaging my experience on the train with Fluttershy, but Fleur's arms could reach places that the yellow pegasus could not, and she didn't have any wings to get in the way of mine. As a result, I'd drifted off to blissful slumber in the warmth of her embrace, and I woke up with her in mine.

'One of these days, I'm going to find out how they pull this off without waking me up.'

My free hand hung lazily over Fleur's stomach, which I found rather odd given the previous night's events. I'd expected my hands might find their way to a much naughtier place now that they'd familiarized themselves with the terrain. As delicately as I could, I began to extricate myself from the bed, so I could gather my things and make my exit. Perhaps I could leave a thank you note, both for the gifts and for the company.

My bedmate, however, had other ideas and immediately foiled my plan, catching me by the wrist before I could even shift my weight. "And where do you think you're going, hmm?" Fleur asked softly. Without turning over, she slowly drew my arm back over herself and held my hand in between her breasts, gently tickling the back of it.

I returned the favor by tickling her boobs. It only seemed fair. "Well, I was going to grab my stuff and sneak out."

Fleur seemed shocked by my plan, "So soon? What could you possibly have planned at this early hour?"

"Uhh," I didn't really have an answer to that one. Sure, Twilight might've been wondering where I was, but she could live without up-to-the-minute details on my activities and whereabouts.

"Might I offer my own suggestion?" Once again, my hand was guided to a new location. Fleur's fingers intertwined with mine even as her lower lips yielded to my probing fingers.

"I think I might be persuaded," I said while shifting myself closer. I buried my face into her hair, feeling how soft it was against my face and taking in her scent at the same time. My real answer to her question prodded her backside while her tail tickled my stomach.

"Careful, lover boy," Fleur chided. "You don't want to seem too eager. Now sit up, and let me show you how to please a mare. Your technique would certainly benefit from a little guided practice."

I stacked a few pillows against the headboard to cushion my back, and Fleur lowered herself into my lap, leaning back against me and taking my hand back down to her nethers. I moved her hair to one side so I could rest my chin on her shoulder and have a better view of the proceedings down below.

"Just follow my lead," Fleur said softly, gently guiding my fingertips around the surface of her pussy.

My personal tour of alien anatomy soon bore fruit as I was led around to her most sensitive areas, pausing at some of her favorite spots to give extra attention where it was desired. Before long, she was squirming around and letting out low, quiet moans of pleasure at our combined efforts. It was probably more due to her expertise than mine, but I diligently took mental notes for future reference. With any luck, I might even remember them.

Finally, Fleur relaxed and leaned her face against mine. "See? That wasn't so hard. Now you try. Just remember what I showed you, and take your time."

'Here goes nothing.'

I started where she left off, a seemingly unremarkable spot inside her that must have been incredibly sensitive if her previous reaction was anything to go by. Slick fluids from Fleur's first orgasm coated my fingers as I moved them from one spot to another, trying to find all the best spots she showed me. I even managed to find some of them again. Without assistance, it took a little longer to build her up, and whenever I missed my target, I would go back to a known pleasure spot to regain lost ground.

With my other hand, I held her body tight against mine and played with her lady lovelies. She made no complaint as I squeezed and tickled, massaged and caressed her soft, supple breasts. In fact, she joined me in my enjoyment of her body. For a precious few minutes, we shared our appreciation for the female form, but it was soon time to finish.

I knew Fleur was close when she resumed her low, barely audible moans of pleasure and her squirming around in my arms as my efforts down below began to produce results. Her arm wrapped behind my head and around my shoulder to pull me in close as her whole body tensed. Down below, my fingers reaped the rewards for their service.

"That's more like it," Fleur sighed, relaxing. She slid off to the side and rested her head on my shoulder for a moment, taking deep breaths. I almost didn't want to move, but then she rolled back on top of me. This time, we were face-to-face, and I took the chance to admire every tantalizing curve of her body with my eyes before she leaned in close. "Now it's my turn," she whispered into my ear before giving it a lick.

Fleur had already gotten me worked up some by grinding her ass against my cock while I was focused on her pleasure. This time, she was using her slick lower lips to coat the length of my shaft with the fruits of my earlier labor. Back and forth, she slowly moved her hips until my dick was as wet as her pussy.

Using one hand as a guide, she took me inside her, and I was surprised at how snug the fit was. I could feel her inside walls tightening, conforming to my cock and drawing it in deeper. My fingers didn't get half the feeling I was getting now. Fleur's pussy came alive as she gyrated her hips on top of me. Inside, she was wet, and she was hungry for whatever I could give her.

I was all too happy to oblige. I countered her movements with my own to amplify the effects. As she pushed down with her hips, I pushed up with mine, and when she lifted back up, I pulled back as much as the mattress would allow. With my hands, I groped and massaged her hips and butt in time with her movements.

Fleur's hair fell over me as she pinned me down by the shoulders, the soft strands tickling my face and chest wherever they touched. "That's it, don't be shy," she said in a low, sultry voice.

Our eyes met as I neared my climax. Fleur smirked and doubled her efforts to bring me to my peak. When the time came, I pushed myself as deep as I could before firing my load inside her. She didn't bother getting off, and I made no complaint as we both relaxed and lay with our bodies entwined.

"And to think you were going to leave me here without so much as a, 'Goodbye.' Are you glad you stayed now?"

I was. In fact if I could get a wake-up call like that more often, I might actually be converted into a morning person. Still, I couldn't stay in that moment with Fleur forever, so as soon as we finished basking in the afterglow, we cleaned ourselves off, and I packed my things to leave.

I was surprised to see a new guard posted outside the hotel room. The charcoal unicorn had been replaced at some point by a white pegasus. He wordlessly matched my pace as I made my way back to Twilight's place. Hopefully, she wouldn't ask too many questions.

"Well, look who came back," Cadance greeted me as I entered Twilight's tree library. She seemed to be even more cheerful than usual, but I wrote it off as leftover holiday spirit as she helped me haul my new wardrobe upstairs for sorting and stowage.

Twilight wasn't home, but her friends had left a few other presents for me. From Rarity, I got a complete personal grooming kit which included everything I would need and more to maintain a respectable appearance. Applejack and Pinkie conspired to produce a sampling of sweets and baked goods along with an invitation to visit them if I ever wanted more. After trying a few of them, I resolved to do just that. Fluttershy sent me an invitation for tea at her place as well as a lengthy apology letter saying that she couldn't think of anything to get me and that she was so very sorry and please don't hate her for it and if there's anything she could do to make up for it, all I have to do is ask. Rainbow Dash got me an alarm clock shaped like a pony in blue spandex.

Eventually, Twilight decided to show up with Spike close behind holding a rather sizeable package. After relieving himself of the enormous burden, he rushed off to the kitchen. Cadance went off on some errand of her own, promising to be back sometime after lunch.

"So, how was your night?" Princess Purple asked flatly.

"Not bad," I answered. "I picked up the rest of the clothes Rarity and I commissioned."

"Don't play dumb," she said while giving me a deadpan look. "If it was just that, you would have been back here last night. Besides, I can smell you from over here; it's no wonder Cadance is in such a good mood. How many times?"

"Once last night, and again this morning." I stole a momentary glance at the package on the table before looking back at the enemy seated across from me. "Is there something wrong with that?"

"I'm curious as to how you two went from a simple delivery of clothes to sharing a bed."

"It was a one-night stand, nothing more. If you want reasons, you'll have to ask Fleur because I generally don't ask those kinds of questions once the action starts. It tends to ruin the moment."

"You've been questioning the whole idea since we first put it up to you. Princess Celestia was all but throwing herself at you back in Canterlot."

"True, but now I've had time to think about it, and some subtle and not-so-subtle nudges in the right direction. I want to go home, Twilight, and some of my old thoughts and values were getting in the way of that. I had to do some serious re-examination of those values, and that's not as easy as it sounds. Since then, I've realized that even though we're different species, we're not so different on the inside that a little intimacy is a horrible crime against nature. The fact that we can sit here and talk intelligently about it is testament to that, not to mention that you're not exactly eldritch horrors from the abyss. I just needed time to reach that conclusion on my own."

"So..." Twilight trailed off.

"If Celestia suddenly showed up and made the offer, I'd be upstairs in the bedroom with my pants down and my dick out ready for whatever she had in mind."

Twilight blinked, "O...kay. That wasn't what I was going to ask, though. I was wondering what your plans are for today."

"Oh," I replied, a bit embarassed for having missed the change of subject. "I didn't really have anything in mind. What's in the box, anyway?"

"It's your Hearth's Warming present," Twilight said, grinning, "a book about some of our history. I special ordered a copy for you, so you could take it home if you wanted."

I paused a moment to regard the parcel before me. If a box that size was necessary for just a single book, then it must be some seriously heavy reading. If nothing else, I would have something to do in between staring at the walls and rubbing out dick juice at the scheduled times should I ever find myself confined to a room again.

"Thanks," I said with a smile that I hoped didn't look too strained as I hefted the massive package into my lap. I was genuinely trying to be polite in the face of this new version of my purple nemesis. Perhaps she was trying to make amends for her previous missteps.

The book inside was no less huge than the box it came in. The only thing that would have made it even more daunting would be thin pages and tiny print, but thankfully, that wasn't the case. It even had pictures.

Spike announced lunch and rescued me from having to conjure more awkward politeness. Twilight and I got pretty standard sandwiches and chips. Spike's lunch was a pile of what looked like priceless gemstones. At the rate he was shoveling them down, I reasoned they must be much more common in crazy alien land than they were on Earth. Either that, or they weren't really gems; I couldn't tell the difference just from looking.

'Maybe I could sneak a couple of those back home with me and see if they're worth anything before word gets out how common they are. If those are real, I could live like a king.'

After lunch, I stowed away my pile of presents and took some time to properly clean myself up. I didn't want to smell like sex for the rest of the day, especially if I was going to visit Fluttershy later. Throwing on a fresh set of clothes as well as one of the sweaters Applejack had brought me, I made my way downstairs. Cadance had gotten back and was lounging in the living room.

"Going somewhere?" the pink Princess asked upon noticing me.

"I'm going to Fluttershy's," I answered as I headed for the door. Then, realizing I had no idea how to get to little yellow's house, I paused, "Uh, you wouldn't happen to know where she lives would you?"

"Of course I do. Do you just want directions, or do you mind if I come with? I've been meaning to talk with her."

Having no objections, I agreed to let Cadance lead the way. I also liked the thought of having a neutral third party nearby in case I failed in my efforts to convince Fluttershy that I didn't hate her.

My travelling companion decided to make some conversation as we walked. "So, what's the occasion?"

"She invited me for tea, and it just so happens that I'm available this afternoon. Also, she seems to think I hate her for some reason, and I'd like to correct that."

Cadance balked at that, "Any idea why she would think something like that?"

"Beats me," I replied. "Of all the ponies I've met so far, she's one of the last I'd put on my shit list."

"So what do you plan to do?"

"The usual. Give her a hug; tell her it's okay; see if she's up for a threesome," I trailed off.

Pink Princess's double-take was totally worth it. "A threesome," she said flatly with a raised eyebrow. "Since when have you been so nonchalant about sex?"

"Since I realized where all this was going and decided to just keep my eyes on the prize. I want to go home. You want your real bodies back. All that stands between us and what we want is a little meaningless sex. I thought you and the other Princesses wanted me to go along with this plan."

"Well, yeah, but," Cadance defended, "We weren't expecting you to change your mind so suddenly. Our plan was to soften you up little by little and let you warm up to us."

"And now you're questioning it just because I came around faster than you expected?"

"I'm just worried you might be closing yourself off in another way."

"How?" I asked, curious about her sudden shift in tone.

"Was your time with the Lady Fleur really so good that now you're worried about getting attached? Are you that afraid you might develop feelings for someone? What do you stand to lose?"

I turned and looked the Princess in the eye. "My purpose," I stated, only replying to her last question. "I can't afford to think about falling in love until your world is back to normal and the way back to mine is open. Besides, it's not like meaningless sex is unheard of here. You've got brothels, and I'm sure you understand the concepts of booty calls, fuck buddies, and friends with benefits. Romance at this stage will only make things more complicated."

For a moment, she looked as if she had more to say to that, but then she backed off and continued across a small footbridge leading towards the outskirts of town. We walked the rest of the way in silence, but I caught her a couple times giving me concerned looks, as if she was worried I might break down at any moment.

Soon enough, Fluttershy's tree/hill/cottage thing came into view. I couldn't think of any other way to describe it. However, I hadn't come to gawk at the local taste in architecture. I had important business to attend to.

As I crossed another footbridge leading up to the front door, I glanced around the yard, spotting the lady of the house in a most unusual position, down on her hands and knees, leaning forward with her head stuck inside a hole in the ground. At the same time, her big, beautiful, butterfly-branded butt arched proudly against the snowy backdrop.

"Um, not to kill the mood or anything," I started, "but I think I'm missing some context here."

While I stood there in bewilderment, Cadance went ahead to extract the yellow pony from her burrow. They exchanged some words that I couldn't quite hear, but when Fluttershy turned and spotted me on her front walk, her casual smile vanished, and her eyes widened in apparent shock. A few more words whispered into her ears seemed to calm her down somewhat, but she still looked ready to bolt as I strolled over to meet her.

"Am I really that scary?" I asked once I got close enough. "If I was really upset with you, I wouldn't have come over to join you for tea."

"Oh, um," Fluttershy hesitated. "I've just been so busy taking care of all the animals, I never had time to..."

"Fluttershy," I cut her off to get her attention. "You don't need to explain anything. Two weeks ago, you didn't even know my name. I'm not so petty that I'd get upset over not getting a present for a Winter solstice gift exchange holiday that I didn't even know existed until a couple days ago. If you haven't noticed, I didn't get anyone anything, and you don't see them holding it against me. So why should I hold it against you?"

Cadance saw fit to jump in when her yellow friend paused to think. "How about we all go inside? Bill, you can make yourself comfortable on the couch, and I'll help Fluttershy with the tea."

And that's exactly what we did, only the noise coming from the kitchen sounded much more like 'girl talk' than tea making, but my untrained ears weren't really suited for that sort of thing. Eventually, the two of them emerged empty handed.

"Um, Bill?" Fluttershy started. "I was wondering if you would mind coming with us to visit Zecora. She lives in the forest not far from here, and I thought you might like to meet her."

"Sure," I agreed. Tea was really only a secondary objective for visiting Fluttershy anyway. It just gave me an excuse to leave the library. In truth, I would have preferred hot chocolate as a more seasonally appropriate beverage (and better tasting). I'd also been rather curious about this forest outside of Ponyville that Twilight had warned me about in her extensive lecture on the local area. She insisted I stay away from it at all costs, so I naturally wanted to go exploring.

As promised, the walk into the forest wasn't that far, and before long, I stood before a tree house not unlike Twilight's library, but much smaller. The tree itself had more gnarled branches than its counterpart in town, but that didn't seem to matter too much. I was there to drink tea and make friends (according to my traveling companions).

The space inside could charitably be described as 'cozy' with all four of us packed inside. I had a few choice words of my own that I tactfully avoided using after seeing and smelling some of the things kept in jars around the place. I could tolerate a low ceiling and cramped quarters and strange choices in home decor if it meant not having something slipped into my tea.

Zecora herself had a slight build much like Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, but she was still taller than the rainbow one and more modestly endowed than the yellow one. After a couple weeks of being surrounded by eye candy, it wasn't her body that caught my attention. It was the way she carried it. Even though most ponies by then could do well enough on two legs to perform routine tasks, they still stumbled every once in a while. The zebra, on the other hand, moved around with the same confident grace as Celestia and Luna. She talked kind of funny, but unlike everyone else I'd met so far, she was completely unfazed by me introducing myself as an alien from another planet.

After about a half hour of amicable chatting and me trying to avoid making rhyming fart jokes, I had successfully been introduced to yet another friend of my hosts. Though, it was actually quite nice to meet someone who was content to let me be me rather than ask a dozen questions before introducing herself. Once we'd emptied the tea kettle, we exchanged expressions of intent to meet again, and I followed my tour guides down the path back into town.

Fluttershy took the opportunity to politely excuse herself, returning home to tend to her animals and leaving me and Cadance to walk back to Twilight's. Before we parted ways, she helpfully pointed out an alternate trail through the forest that would shorten our trip.

"Something on your mind?" Cadance asked, interrupting my thoughts as we made our way back towards town.

"Nope," I lied. I actually had a number of things on my mind, but I wasn't about to talk to her about them just to make conversation. For one, I wondered why she and Fluttershy felt it necessary to bring me all the way out here just to have tea. If they really were keen on introducing me to each and every one of their friends in Ponyville, they could have just as easily invited them to the library, which would have made everything faster.

"I don't believe you," Cadance fired back, turning to face me fully. "I can see it in your eyes. Something's bothering you, and I want to know what it is."

"Why?"

"Because I can't help you if you won't tell me what's wrong."

"And if I do tell you, you'll suddenly have all the answers?"

"No, but I'll at least know where to start."

"I want to go home. I thought I made that clear already."

The Princess raised an eybrow, "And you think this was just a pointless diversion because you're no closer than you were two hours ago? Not everyone you meet has to be a potential partner, and even if this afternoon had gone differently, it wouldn't get you home tomorrow. You're going to need friends if you want to stay sane through this, and for that, you have to let some of us get close."

"So, you're gonna drag me all over town to introduce me to everybody you've ever interacted with just to expand my pool of potential friends?"

"Well," Cadance paused, turning to the side while a smirk played at the edge of her lips. "There may be a few benefits if things go well, but the answer to your question is, 'No.' Even if you spent several months here, we'd never get around to meeting all of them."

"Ah yes, 'benefits,'" I scoffed. "Now that I'm all warmed up to the idea of fucking my way out of this mess, your world is my harem. The thing is, in spite of all the flirting and teasing you and the others have done to help me get to this point, you haven't actually done much else."

"I would've joined a threesome with you and Fluttershy."

Caught off balance, I hesitated for a second, but I soon found my words again, "You're bluffing."

"You think so?" Cadance turned to face me again and slowly advanced with an evil-looking grin on her face. "The only reason I haven't done anything is because Twilight made me promise not to while I was under her roof. Only, I haven't gotten you alone like this outside the library before, so there's nothing stopping us from doing it right here and now."

As the pink Princess moved toward me, I backed away. It was more of a reflex than a conscious action, but the opening was there all the same. It wasn't long before she had me backed up against a tree. That didn't stop her, though. She put one hand on my shoulder and the other on my waist as she pressed her body up against me. Leaning her head into mine, she traced around my ear with the end of her nose, and her tongue wasn't far behind.

"And you accuse me of bluffing?" she whispered before finally letting me go, satisfied in her victory.

I gave up trying to argue with her after that, so I just stewed in my defeat once we got moving again. It was a quiet, uneventful walk until a tree root hidden under the snow decided it was too uneventful. I reached over to a nearby shrub to try and stabilize myself, but when that turned out to be full of sharp thorns, I quickly pulled away and only hastened my trip to the ground.

Cadance was quick to my side, "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," I replied. "I just tripped. Nothing to worry about."

"Do you need help getting up?" she asked, concerned.

"Nah, I got it," I said, pushing myself up. My fall had uncovered a bed of blue flowers beneath the snow.

"Your hand," Cadance trailed off.

The thorn bush had left its mark. The cuts weren't deep, but they would need cleaning and bandages as soon as I could get them. "I'm sure Twilight has something."

Thankfully, we were already close to the edge of the forest. The library wasn't far from there, and we made good time. Twilight greeted us both with a smile that went away the instant she saw my bleeding hand. It only took her a couple minutes to calm down enough to dig out her first aid supplies.

"You really need to be more careful," Twilight said as she wrapped a bandage around my hand. She'd already taken the chance while she cleaned my cuts to give me a recap lecture on the dangers of the forest.

"It was an accident," I defended. "It could've happened to anyone."

"But it happened to you," she noted as she secured the bandage in place and released my hand.

"So? It's nothing serious."

"So?" Twilight mimicked, but she looked more concerned than angry. "Bill, it may not look like it, but this world is dangerous, especially to you. You're far more vulnerable than you seem to think you are. Do you remember your first night here when the nurse cast that spell on you?"

"How could I forget?"

"That was an accident too, and I've never seen a medical spell cause that much pain before. Just think of what it would be like if a pony actually wanted to hurt you. You have no defense against something like that."

For once, I couldn't think of a rebuttal for Twilight's argument. Despite our frequent disagreements, she was genuinely concerned for my safety as far as I could tell, and at the end of the day, so was I.

But the purple Princess wasn't done yet. She pulled me in for a hug and made me promise to be more careful in the future. I couldn't bring myself to resist. I hadn't had the chance to change clothes, and by then the snow that had stuck to my sweater had melted, and there were probably a few bits of plant matter from the blue flowers, but Twilight either didn't notice or didn't care. I finally returned her embrace, allowing for just a moment that we didn't have to always butt heads.

Chapter 12) Very Funny

"RICHAAAAAAAAAARRRRRDD!!!"

Twilight's voice thundered through the house. While probably not sufficient to wake the dead, it was certainly good enough for the merely sleeping, which included me, much to my dismay.

"Geez, Twilight, I don't think they heard you in Canterlot," Spike echoed my sentiments from his box. Although, he could've waited until she barged in to offer his opinions more directly.

Speaking of which, I prepared myself for her entrance by pulling my face under the covers. They were unusually warm and comfortable that morning, and I would not be extricated without a fight. I had priorities to maintain.

Right on cue, the door nearly left its hinges as Twilight kicked it open. "Richard, you have five seconds to explain yourself before I... I... I don't know what I'm going to do," she trailed off, perhaps having finally exhausted her supply of righteous fury or whatever it was that had lodged itself up her backside this time.

Five seconds came and went, and nothing happened. Even Spike was suspiciously quiet after his earlier wind-up to give the purple princess a piece of his mind.

"Uh, Bill?" he finally said after an extended pause. "I think you need to see this."

Against my better judgment, I chanced a peek through a gap in the covers. What I saw defied belief, and I lifted my head out to get a better look at the odd but not unpleasant sight. Standing in the doorway was a very upset, but more importantly, very human Twilight Sparkle. Whatever force was responsible for this latest transformation had done a remarkable job finishing what the first one had started. Her basic figure stayed the same. She still retained her slim build, but not without a few curves, and her knockers were as round and perky as ever, if a little bit on the small side. Even her hair hadn't changed. She'd simply traded her remaining alien pony features for proper human ones, and I couldn't pull my eyes away for reasons I couldn't quite articulate. As a result, I just stared at her dumbly for the better part of a minute before noticing she was doing the same to me.

Spike wandered into view regarding me with a strange look as well. Then, without warning, he covered his mouth with both hands and promptly excused himself from the room. The distinct sound of laughter filtered in shortly after. Cadance appeared briefly in the doorway to see what all the fuss was about before joining Spike in his merriment. Meanwhile, Twilight and I continued our staring contest.

"What, is there something on my face?" I asked, finally regaining my capacity for words and breaking the staredown. For some reason, speaking felt kind of weird, but I wrote that off as something to be dealt with later.

"Y-you're..." Twilight stuttered.

Realizing I wouldn't get anywhere in a reasonable amount of time by simply talking, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Reluctantly, I crawled out from under the covers and immediately collapsed on the floor in a tangle of my own limbs. Only then did I discover the true scope of my predicament.

I like to think I took the revelation rather well, under the circumstances. Twilight, Cadance, and Spike managed to restrain me after recovering their wits, and I only knocked over half the knock-overable things in the room while they did so.

"I'm a tiny horse," I said flatly to the bathroom mirror after I'd calmed down a bit.

"Actually, we prefer the term, 'ponies,'" replied the voice of my fellow afflicted somewhere behind me, "and no, you aren't. You just look like one."

From my perspective, the distinction was purely academic. "A Tiny. Fucking. Horse."

With a light brown coat, dark brown hair, and brown eyes, I wasn't even a particularly interesting horse, but I could at least be grateful that whatever force had transformed me decided to leave out all the extra bits. Losing my hands was bad enough. Having to deal with extra appendages would only have made it worse.

Twilight's reflection rolled her eyes before leaving me alone in the upstairs bathroom.

"So," I said, following her back out into my room. "You're supposed to be the expert here. What has the power to do this to me and that to you?"

She didn't look up from her self-appointed task of cleaning up my lackluster attempts at property damage as she talked. "It has to be something that spreads by physical contact. Otherwise Cadance and Spike would be affected. It must have been on your clothes when you came back yesterday. Now where did they end up?"

For reasons unbeknown to science, I felt a sudden surge of helpfulness and started walking around the room to go through piles of overturned stuff. Walking on four legs turned out to be surprisingly easy. It was kind of like that stupid bear crawl thing they made us do in gym class way back in high school but less awkward because my limbs were actually built for that now. It didn't take long to find my laundry pile.

'Score one for the organized chaos that is a bachelor cave.'

"Over here," I called, holding up my sweater. It had dried out, but was still covered in dirt and plant matter from the forest floor.

Twilight only made it a couple steps before her eyes went wide with shock. "Bill! Don't touch that!"

She actually startled me enough that I dropped it immediately. "What? I was wearing that last night when I got back. Whatever it is is already on me."

She completely ignored my protest and scrunched up her face like she was concentrating really hard on something. Relief followed when the sweater started glowing and floated over my head in her direction.

"OK, I got good news," Purple Princess proclaimed after a pause. "There's a cure for what caused this."

"And the bad news?" I prompted, reserving my enthusiasm.

"There isn't any, as far as I know."

I remained unconvinced.

"Look, all we have to do is take an herbal bath, and we'll be back to normal."

"You mean what passes for 'normal' around here?"

Twilight paused for a moment to mull that over. "Point taken," she deadpanned as she walked out of the room.

I followed close behind, but not too close. I wanted to enjoy the view and still see where I was going after all. Unfortunately for me, my ability to walk on four legs ended right where the top of the stairs began. Twilight successfully avoided my gravity-assisted descent, but a poorly-placed bookshelf at the bottom did not.

The commotion drew the attention of the library's other two inhabitants, and I found their concern for my well-being to be quite touching, if a little excessive. The only real casualty was my pride, as my streak of failure at significant property damage continued onward.

"Ow," I said, eloquently summarizing the effects of blunt force trauma to the everything. As far as I could tell, nothing was broken or knocked out of place. It was just sore and achy, and it hurt if I moved around too much, not that I really wanted to. Cadance decided that my trip through the gauntlet of pain, suffering, and humiliation had earned me a spot on the couch. There, she generously offered her lap as a nice, warm pillow upon which to rest my weary and battered head. As a bonus, I even got ear scratches which, disturbingly, felt far better than they rightfully should have. We may not have seen eye-to-eye on a few things, but the pink Princess certainly knew how to make a guy feel better.

Meanwhile, Twilight outlined her plans to rectify our predicament once establishing that I would survive the numerous blows to my dignity since waking up. She would go to the local spa to see if they had the supplies and set up an afternoon appointment. Meanwhile, I would stay at the library with Cadance and Spike and do everything in my power to not injure myself further. I liked the plan because it didn't call for me to do anything but go to the spa when the time came.

I tried to interrupt and point out a flaw in her plan, but she just kept on talking, so I decided she could just find out the hard way.

"Something wrong?" Cadance asked as Twilight headed out.

"Nothing too major," I replied. "She won't be gone long."

"What makes you say that?"

"Just wait."

Right on cue, the front door opened and shut, revealing a frantic Twilight Sparkle. "Too. Cold."

"I tried to warn you, but you were too busy talking."

If looks could kill, I'd have been a dead man, but I couldn't help but squee internally at how adorable the angry humanized Princess was. I made the best innocent face I could with the unfamiliar facial structure I had.

"Now, now," Cadance interjected diplomatically, magically conjuring a blanket from somewhere and sending it over to her peer. "I can go set up the appointment, and you can stay nice and warm here. How does that sound?"

Twilight smiled gratefully, and I mourned the loss of my lap pillow once Cadance stood up. She then called Spike down from cleaning up our shared room, asking him to accompany her. I watched them suspiciously as they left me and Twilight alone in the library. Pink Princess was up to something, and I had a pretty good idea what that something was.

"So," I said, breaking the silence as Twilight made her way over to the empty spot on the couch, "What makes you think this plan of yours is going to work?"

She gave a momentary thoughtful look before answering. "Well, if the poison joke affected you, I don't see why the cure for it wouldn't."

"Poison joke? And what makes you so sure that this herbal bath thing will cure it?"

"Did I really not tell you about it?"

"You know, once you start talking, it's really hard to get a word in edgewise, and when I do get a moment to interrupt, you've moved so far ahead that my question no longer makes sense in context."

For a second, Twilight looked stunned, then she blushed a little. "Heh heh, sorry. I guess I get carried away sometimes. Poison joke is the name of those blue flowers you fell into that got on your sweater and transferred to me when I touched you. It plays jokes on whoever it touches." Gesturing to herself and me, she added, "And this is the result."

I regarded her for a moment and then gave myself a once-over. "Very funny. I can't breathe from all the laughing."

She chuckled at that. "Oh, I'm sure you'll come to appreciate it once this is all over. I know the cure works, because I've had a run-in with this stuff before. It turned my horn into a useless noodle, and Spike wouldn't shut up about it for a month after. Eventually, I came around and saw the humor in it."

"Excuse me if I withold my mirth for the time being," I deadpanned. "So what are we going to do until the other two get back?"

"Right now, I just want to warm up. Although," she paused, turning to look me over, "I am kind of curious..."

I warily curled up toward my end of the couch. "Curious about what?" I asked tentatively, unsure of her intentions.

"About how significant the change was for you. Going from what I was to a human wasn't nearly as big of a transformation as going all the way from a human to a pony."

I agreed to a few very minor and non-invasive experiments simply to pass some time. Even if I looked like a pony, bacon was still awesome, and grass was still disgusting, so at least I could take comfort in that. For Twilight, however, the opposite was the case. On that basis, we concluded that our transformations were completely external, which meant I was still 100% human on the inside.

"I'll admit, I'm not that surprised," Twilight said. "After all, you don't have a cutie mark, and I can still access my magic..." she trailed off. "Wait a minute. I have an idea. Come on."

I didn't have time to ask questions. Twilight led me back to the couch, laid down, and pulled me up with my back and shoulders against her chest.

"Uhh, mind letting me in on what's going on here?"

"I just realized that if I can still access my magic as a human, I might be able to find and link up with your magic now that you're a pony. You know, like we tried way back when we were in Canterlot."

"I thought we just established that I'm still human in pony form, and you're still a pony in human form."

"Are you saying this isn't worth trying?"

"No," I admitted.

"Then be quiet, and stop fidgeting. It's hard for me to concentrate."

Of all the thoughts running through my mind, Twilight's ability to concentrate was the least of them. There were other, more directly pressing, matters to contend with. The way her warm breath felt on the back of my neck along with the way her breasts squeezed against my back put my thoughts firmly in the gutter. The unabashed intimacy of laying naked on the couch together with me wrapped in her arms and both of us wrapped in her blanket was intoxicating regardless of her intended purpose. To cap it all off, I wasn't exactly opposed to this mental onslaught of debauched imagery. Even if this latest attempt to expend my magic through non-sexual means failed, I didn't want to pull away.

After a few minutes that felt more like hours, Twilight broke the silence. "Do you feel anything?"

"Huh what?" I asked, having been caught off guard, too lost in my own musings.

"In your hooves. You should feel something in your hooves."

I concentrated on the feeling in my hooves, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. "Uhh, no. Is that bad?"

Twilight let out a sigh of disappointment, "It means we're no further than we were last time we tried. If you can't consciously connect with the magic inside you, there's no other way to get it out than what we've already established."

"Oh," I grumbled dejectedly.

Despite the lack of progress, neither of us moved to get up.

A minute later, I glanced at the clock and had a thought, "Twilight?"

"Hmmm?"

"How long does it take to go to the spa, set up an appointment, and come back?"

"About an hour. Why?"

"I'm just thinking now's the perfect time for someone to walk in, catch us like this, and get the wrong idea. They've been gone for an hour and a half."

"I don't see you getting up," Twilight said flippantly.

"I could go upstairs and take a nap. I just don't like the idea of falling back down when it's time to go." That was my story, and I would stick to it.

"Uh huh." She clearly didn't believe me.

I dug in for a counter-attack, "You're not exactly rushing to get up either."

"It's cold outside, and it's cold in here," she noted idly, then she added, "You're warm," while pulling me in tighter and nuzzling her face into the back of my head.

I tried not to think too hard about what she may or may not have been implying, believing it best to let her dictate the pace. The last thing I wanted was to piss off my hostess by misreading her intentions and making a bad move. That's just a basic rule for survival when one's living arrangements get tangled up with intimate relations.

I also didn't want to start something and then have somebody walk in on us.

"I'm back," Cadance called from the front door after letting herself in; speak of the devil, and there she is. Glancing at me and Twilight for a moment, she smiled sweetly and asked, "Did I miss anything?"

"Where's Spike?" Twilight asked, hopefully hearing my silent plea to ignore the pink one's bait.

"Oh, he's off on an errand," Cadance said dismissively. "The spa didn't have one of the herbs they needed for your poison joke bath, so he went off to Zecora's to see if she had any."

That seemed to put Twilight's mind at ease, but I wanted to keep Heart-butt talking about things other than the awkward situation she'd walked in on. "When are they expecting us?"

"Your appointment is at two this afternoon. I also booked a massage and the sauna room for all three of us in addition to the bath. By the way, Twilight, have you thought about how you're going to get there without freezing?"

"Well," she began, "No, but maybe Bill could let me borrow some of his clothes?"

"I doubt they'll fit, but you're welcome to it. That way, I'll have something to wear for the hike back. I'm taking my own socks and underwear though."

Unfortunately, that meant venturing back up the stairs to make sure Twilight drew from the clean pile in my room when choosing what to wear. As I'd predicted, everything was at least 3 sizes too big, and improvisations had to be made to keep the pants and shoes in place. Much to my chagrin, the oversized clothes seemed to look better on her than they did on me. Not that I would ever say so out loud. Once she'd finished getting dressed, I grabbed clean socks and underwear for myself and packed them in a provided satchel.

My trip back downstairs once again included a gravity assist. Only this time, I made it halfway down first and avoided further head trauma by rolling over my shoulder and letting my butt do the work of stopping me. From that point on, I was forbidden from going back upstairs to prevent further stairs-related mishaps, and for once, I had no objections.

Eventually, Spike showed up and proclaimed victory in his quest to retrieve the missing ingredients for the bath at the spa. Twilight, being the dutiful character that she was, immediately provided him with another quest, making lunch.

When the time came, Twilight left Spike in charge of the library, and we all set off for the spa. Being the only one in the group who didn't know where we were going, I followed the other two. On the way, I couldn't help but note our comparative heights while standing. At best guess, my nose came up to about bellybutton height on Twilight. On Cadance, I was precisely at butt-slash-crotch height. It was just an idle observation, but once prompted, mental images care little for such trivialities.

To my surprise, Rarity greeted us when we made it inside the spa. "Twilight, is that you under there? What brings you out here today?" Then, turning toward me, she added in a suggestive tone, "And who is this handsome stallion?"

"Uhh, I'm Bill," I answered awkwardly.

"Bill?" she gasped. "You poor thing. What in Equestria happened?"

"I fell down some stairs," I said bluntly, unamused by her overly dramatic inflection.

That earned me an ear flick from Twilight, which in turn led to Cadance snickering at all of us. Meanwhile, Rarity circled around me, apparently sizing me up from multiple angles for some nefarious purposes of her own.

Twilight removed the hat and layers of scarf that had been covering her face and took over the explanation. "He had a run-in with some poison joke and spread it to me on accident."

The appearance of a staff member saved me from having to deal with more theatrics. She led us to the changing room where we could drop off our stuff. I paused when I realized there was only one changing room, but then I figured that gender segregation of facilities probably isn't as important when everyone is naked most of the time. Still, things got sufficiently awkward when Twilight stripped off the clothes she'd borrowed from me, and Rarity started fawning over her human form, much to Cadance's amusement. I did my best to just tune it out and face forward as I made a beeline for the towel rack. I decided to head straight for the bath while the three girls went off to the massage tables.

The bath attendant's reaction when I walked in was priceless, and more so when I wordlessly jumped in, submerged myself, and came up human again. The poor girl nearly fainted from shock. Even I was surprised at how quickly my transformation was undone. Once the attendant recovered, she apologized and explained that she'd thought I was a normal pony who had figured out how to undo everyone else's transformation. I introduced myself but left out that I did, in fact, know how to undo it. The spa seemed like a more reputable sort of establishment, and I doubted she would believe me anyway. Worse, she might think I was some desperate sleazeball trying to score a cheap lay, not that I would refuse if she had offered.

Lotus, as the bath attendant had introduced herself, brought me a drink, which I sipped at while soaking in the pleasantly warm water. We made small talk for a while before veering off into more substantial topics. Like with Zecora, it was nice to just talk to someone for once without some pressing business matter or having to think about whether or not she wanted sex. She didn't even look at me funny when I asked her to turn around so I could climb out and put my towel on.

'A true professional, that one.'

I decided on the sauna next. The bath had been warm and refreshing, and I liked the idea of staying in the warmer parts of the spa since I'd given up the cold tolerance of my pony form in the bath.

Once again, the lack of gender segregation reared its wonderful head as I found company upon opening the door. To be more precise, I was reunited with my three companions. Naturally, their towels were either cast aside or employed in some manner other than modesty preservation, and there was no great rush to correct this oversight while I claimed my spot on an empty bench. I made no issue of it.

I did, however, make an issue of something else. "Still haven't given up your human form, Twilight?"

"I was curious," she defended. "When else would I get the chance to see what it's like as a human? I'd have thought you'd feel the same way as a pony."

"Under different circumstances, maybe," I replied, laying down and stretching out along the length of the wide wooden bench. "But right now, I've had enough transmogrification for one trip."

A brief pause gave Rarity and Cadance a chance to politely excuse themselves. Cadance winked mischievously in my direction before shutting the door on her way out.

"Those two seem eager to leave the two of us alone together," I commented.

"Probably because I asked them for a little privacy."

"You know they're going to tease you relentlessly about it no matter what happens, right?"

"Like they haven't been teasing me about it already? You think you're the only one getting teased about it? They don't know you very well, so they've just been testing your limits. They've known me a lot longer. Cadance is the closest I've had to an older sister, and we've been sleeping in the same room since coming to Ponyville. Ever since she married my brother, she's been on my case about finding somepony to fool around with. Honestly, she's worse than my mother."

"Wow," I said, filling the brief silence while Twilight caught her breath. She had a good rant going, and it just didn't feel right to interrupt.

"Besides," she continued, getting up to pace around the room while she talked, "If I do it with you, I'm guaranteed no strings attached, no consequences, and as you like to point out, both of us get what we really want in the end. There's no down side." She came over and sat down next to my head, reaching over to run a finger along my jaw. "So what do you say? Are you up for a little experimentation?"

Words failed me, and I could only look up at her in shock.

"And don't even try to pretend you're not interested. You say you've done a lot of thinking on this very subject, which you wouldn't have done if you really didn't want to."

"I'm not denying it," I said, "I just never expected you, of all people, to be so forward about it."

"Maybe I decided we could set aside our differences for once and just get it out of our system."

I pulled myself upright and slid off the bench, getting down on my knees in front of Twilight and spreading her legs apart. I regarded her delectable pussy for a moment before looking up directly into those purple Princess eyes of hers. "You know, you're pretty hot when you talk dirty like that."

That won me a nice slap across the face, though not as hard as she probably could have delivered. "Get back on the bench. If we're doing this at all, we're doing it my way."

Curious about where she was going with this, I complied and resumed my former position. "I'll still fight you," I commented as I settled in.

"Oh, stuff it," she snapped.

It was a rather fortunate choice of words as she climbed up on the bench and straddled my face. I smacked her on the ass a few times before pulling her in closer to see if that cooter of hers tasted as good as it looked. I stuffed my tongue in as deep as it would go, fulfilling her request.

"Yah!" Twilight yelped. Although, whether it came from surprise or pleasure was unclear, and I didn't really care about that anyway. I just wasn't about to let her have all the fun to herself.

Massaging her round, firm buttcheeks, I cheerfully nommed on her nubile nethers, munched on her magnificent muff, and licked at her luscious lower lips. In return, her slippery sides worked to draw my tongue in deeper. She made a couple half-assed attempts to pull away but otherwise offered no protest to my efforts, and my grip on her hips remained firm. I must have been doing something right, because she soon relaxed, lowering her body to rest on top of mine. I was vaguely aware of her hands doing something to my cock, but most of my attention was devoted to dining at the downstairs deli. If she wanted my attention elsewhere, she would have to earn it.

With a moan, and a shudder, Twilight admitted defeat. I might have broken her sooner if I had had any idea of what I was doing, but I did still win out in the end, and that was what mattered.

"Alright," she declared, pushing herself back up and moving her whole body down toward my entertainment district. "You've had your fun, now it's my turn."

This had the unfortunate side effect of taking her precious pussy out of tongue range, so I used my fingers to reap the rewards of my prior ministrations. "Go on then," I called, "Don't let me stop you."

"I don't take orders from you," she shot back, pulling herself out of my reach. "I'm the Princess here. I get what I want how I want it."

Her movement freed me to sit up and reposition myself to mount her from behind. "Oh really," I teased, dragging the length of my rod along the surface of her snatch and coating it in the hot fluids dripping from within. "Why should I? You've been a very. Naughty. Princess. And you. Should be punished. Accordingly." I emphasized my points by smacking each of the stars on both sides of her pretty little butt.

Twilight responded by wheeling around and body checking me into the wall of the sauna room. In a low voice, she whispered in my ear, "I'm going to take what I want from you whether you like it or not." She could be quite strong when she wanted to be, which only made me want to push her more, but I let her have her turn, just to keep the act up.

Using her hands to brace herself and spread my legs apart, the Princess settled down between my legs to claim her prize. She regarded my equipment for a brief moment before beginning her own oral session.

Twilight took her sweet time getting to work, first moving my dick around with her fingers and examining it from all angles before going in. Slowly, she licked from base to tip and left a trail of saliva along my length. I leaned forward to hurry things along, but she blocked me with her hand and gently shoved me back against the wall, looking me in the eyes with a glare of silent rebuke. Opening her mouth, she leaned in to close her lips around the tip, using her wet tongue to tease my sensitive head from all sides at once. As she advanced down the shaft, I could feel her hot breath beating against my crotch while she covered my dick in her spit.

Steadily, she built up a rhythm of slurping and suckling. Back and forth she went, sucking on my manhood like a drinking straw with each stroke of her head and using her tongue to work all the hot spots. If Cadance had been giving her advice, it was paying off. Each pass sent another jolt of pleasure up my spine, and before long, I was primed and ready to fire.

She said she wanted it her way, so I just let it go straight into her mouth without saying anything. She looked surprised for a moment but didn't pull back. Instead, she slowly moved forward, apparently intending to draw as much as possible out of me and even going so far as to lick up any excess that escaped her mouth in the initial burst. Once satisfied, she let me loose.

I broke the silence as she stood back up. "Happy now?"

"You could've warned me when you got close."

"And spoil the fun of seeing your face when I finished? Never."

Twilight walked over to the other bench to retrieve her towel. "I guess it's time to go take a bath and face my friends."

"Have fun," I smiled sweetly at her.

As she left, I noticed a 'Do Not Disturb' sign placed prominently on the outside of the sauna door, confirming my suspicion that the whole thing was a setup. Still, I had my happy ending even if it did come earlier than typically expected. Putting my own towel back on, I decided to make a quick side trip to the showers before hitting the massage table.