Wings & the Hoofmare in: "A Slice to Remember!"

by BBeee

Rating: everyone
Tags: Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe
Length: 3538

Ponies and noir! Cover art by *tygerbug

Manehatten. The Great Food War has just ended, and with so many of Equestria's mares and stallions only just returning, crime is rampant. When a young colt meets a gravy fate via a pie to the face, the local police ponies are stumped and have no other choice but to call in the city's premier private detective duo: Wings & the Hoofmare!

Published 2012-02-19 00:44:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-02-19 00:44:02 UTC

Part I

Wings & the Hoofmare

in:

“A Slice to Remember!”

Part I:

Manehatten. City of opportunity! Infinite possibility! And rotten to the core. I look out the window and what do I see? Well, I don’t see anything. The windows are getting cleaned. But if they weren’t, then I could definitely see something bad happening. That’s what this town is like. Not 20% cooler.

“Dash, somethun’s come up. But, uhh, I’m not sure we shud bother with this one.”

Ah, Applejack. Good mare. Sort of pony this town needs more of. Not the eggiest shaped head, but still pretty awesome.

“Dash.”

Some days I just can’t bring myself to leave the office, see another gross injustice. Gotta wonder whatever happened to this city. No love. No tolerance. It’s a ‘pony hate pony’ world out there, and it gets to a pegasus after a while. Brings you down.

“Dash!”

Looks like even AJ feels it. I can see it; another job, another drink on her tab. Maybe I should get her checked in with a shrink-

“DASH!”

“Ok, ok! Chillax, we’ll go scope it out at least. You know my motto.”

She sighed before speaking. AJ could be such a bummer sometimes. “Yea, I do. ‘Take anything.’ Ya know Dash, I’m pretty darn sure that ain’t no motto.”

“Sure it is! Right Twi?”

“Sorry Applejack, but it technically is,” confirmed our secretary, Twilight Sparkle. She knew everything. Fact. So AJ had to accept it!

“Tch, fine, keep your horse shoes on. Now we gonna investigate this call or not?”

“Yeah, yeah. Where we headed?”

“34th. Now promise me sugarcube. This time ya won’t just go takin’ on the job without lookin’ into it a bit first?” A real bummer at times.

“AJ, would you calm down? We’re professionals. Everything’ll turn out fine.”

“A’ight, I’ll trust you on this one. But if you go accepting somethin’ we can’t handle again, you’ll be flyin’ without havin’ to use yer wings!”

“Uh-huh. C’mon, let’s go before they eat all the doughnuts. Bye Twi!”

“Yea. Catch ya later Twilight.”

“Stay safe you two!”

We both left the office and out into the smoky streets, sweet with the exhaust of some pretty sweet rides.

“Dash, are you paying attention or eyein’ up that car?”

“It isn’t just any car, AJ. That’s a-”

“I don’t give hoot what it is. Listen! This is important!”

“Fiiiine. So what we got?”

“Savouryside. 21 male. Ah dunno, Dash. Maybe we oughta jus’ leave this one to the real detectives.”

“You heard me before AJ, we are real detectives! Just ‘cause we don’t get a government paycheck doesn’t make us any, less, professional!” I have to remind her of this pretty much every case. She’ll get it through that skull of hers sometime.

“Yes Rainbow, it does.”

“No it doesn’t! RIGHT TWI?”

I think Twilight just made a new record for getting her head out the window. Then again, she’s had a lot of practise after all. She might be a dork, but there isn’t any other pony in this city I would rather have sign stuff for us!

“Sorry AJ! But technically-”

“Okay, we are. But that don’t mean we got the resources or skills of the real police! Being a detective ain’t a game, Dash. You have to take these things seriously.”

Oh, AJ, AJ, AJ. She could be so dense. “AJ, AJ, AJ. You can be so dense!”

“…Jus’ get in the car.”

______________________________________________________________________________

By Celestia, what kind of place do we live in when one pony can’t walk down the street without getting a pie to the face by another. In broad daylight! Worst part? “Nopony saw anything.” Yeah right. Somepony saw something, but they aren’t stepping forward. Don’t want to get involved, have to deal with the trouble. Just some stranger after all, right? Sometimes it hurts to call myself a pony.

“Um… excuse me, Detective?”

Young colt too. Pegasus, light blue coat, dark blue mane. Barely out of high school and cut down right in his prime. Huh, that kinda rhymes with pie. But that’s not the issue! Whoever did this was one sick steed. And I was the one who was going to send him to the doctor.

“Detective, I’m not dead. Are you going to interview me or not?”

I’d have to tell the kid’s family. I can imagine it now; the tears, the “WHHYY!?”’s. And what would I have to show them? Promises. Well here’s a news flash, squirts: promises don’t mend hearts.

“Look, I’m just going to go talk to another officer.”

“Oh no you don’t! Where’d you think you’re going? In an awful hurry there, mister! Got somewhere to be? Maybe some evidence to get rid of!? I can see it all now! This is all a scam, isn’t it!? You’re working with the culprit for the insurance, aren’t you!?”

I knew this guy’s type. He acted all innocent, played the victim. But he had something to hide! They always did! So you have to be mean with them. Sure, he might not be trying to scam the system, but you never get the full story from them by being all wimpy.

“W-What are you talking about!?”

“Spit it out, pie face-Woah! AJ!?” Just as I was going to interrogate the gravy out of that punk, AJ has to go and bite my tail. She knows I hate it when she does that!

“Sorry about ma’ friend, sir. I’ll conduct the interview, if that’s all fine with you.”

“Don’t steal my thunder, AJ! I was gonna ask the questions!”

“You were probably gonna beat him senseless, Dash! Now go talk ta’ the chief or somethin’.” I’ll let it slide this time. Kid needed the experience after all.

“Alright, AJ. Just call me over when you’re stuck, okay?” She sighed at me again. Still, makes me proud, watching her act all grown up like that. But I couldn’t sit all happy-eyed, there was a case to crack!

“Yo, Chief!” The Chief and me were old pals, so she always made sure we got a fair fee for helping out with cases.

“I just don’t know what went wrong!” The Chief was talking to some other pony, but my voice soon got her attention. “Oh, hey Rainbow Dash!”

“Good to see ya, Derpy! What’s up, something wrong?” The Chief was talking to some really miffed-looking policemare, but she left after I got close. Must have known that once Wings gets on the scene, things get serious!

“Oh, heh, that was my bad! The brakes must have gotten stuck, and I hit her car!”

Oh Derpy. If there was one pony you could rely on to cause some unintended chaos, it was the Chief! Heart’s in the right place, but she’s pretty ditzy. I still don’t have any idea how she got that job, but she’s really popular down at the station so I guess she knows her stuff deep down.

“I… bet the car’s just faulty.” I’ve tried being honest with her before, but it doesn’t change much. Better to fluff it up, she’s sensitive and all. “So what do we know about all this stuff?”

Oh, she’s scratching her neck. Guess the professionals didn’t find anything yet. Can’t blame them really, not everypony’s got what it takes to be as cool a detective as me. “Uhh… well, the forensics haven’t arrived yet!”

Heh. Chief couldn’t lie if her muffins depended on it. And she’d do a lot to protect her muffins. I can actually see the forensics guys from where I’m standing. I don’t want to show up a friend though, so I’ll leave it. “Well, make sure to tell us when they get something!”

“Will do, Dash!”

I left her to the car business. I feel kind of bad for her, both of them looked trashed. Good thing they’re both black and whites, otherwise they’d have public complaints to deal with. And they are the worst.

Problem now is what to do except sit around. It’s the usual crime scene: barricades, uniforms keeping the media back, outline of where the victim fell, ambulance, yada yada. Oh, AJ looks about done with the questions, so we can do a quick sweep then get some real work done. I could just start the sweep without her, she’s not a vet like me, but four eyes are always better then two, unless we’re talking glasses. Those are just nerdy.

“A’ight, sugarcube. Ah got everythin’ Ah could out of that that there kid. And I’m tellin’ ya, we oughta just leave this one-”

“NUH. UH. Not until I know what we’re dealing with. Just tell me what pastry face had to say, then I’ll decide.”

“…An’ ya promise to give it some real thought?”

“Trust me, AJ. If I don’t think we can do it, we’ll just head back to the office.” Pfft, yeah right. I’m not going to let this one go! Somepony got hit in the face with a pie! It’ll be the easiest case since Twi got me to find her glasses! Simple!

“…Heh, shucks, sorry for doubting you Dash. Ah think ya really startin’ ta get it! Okay, according to the kid, he was just walking along when he went an’ got hit right in the kisser by the pie. Thing is, he swears it came from above.”

”Above? So we’re dealing with a pegasus, no biggy.”

“Uhh, well not really Dash. I reckon’ all these buildings have at least five, six, maybe seven floors. Anypony coulda’ thrown it from a window, easy as that.”

“I knew it! This wasn’t a savouryside at all! The pie probably just fell from a windowsill and now he’s trying to fuss it up and claim the insurance!” And Wings does it again!

“Doesn’t seem likely. If it were an’ accident, wouldn’t somepony just come forward an’ apologise, instead o’ letting it get all out of hoof like this? Beside’s, the colt said the thing hit harder than Big ‘Machine’ Mac’s bucking in the world tournament. Face sure as heck backs tha’ one up. Somepony threw tha’ pie, an’ they threw it with a vengeance.”

“Alright, alright, so we know the culprit must be kind of strong, but that doesn’t help at all! In other words, we don’t know anything.” Great start. There had to be something else though! “You sure there wasn’t anything else?”

“Well… uhh, other than it being a carrot pie.”

That’s it? What good is that? “Carrot pie!? Yeah, like that’s useful! Alright, let’s go home. You win; we’ll let the boys in blue deal with it.” Guess I’ll get to listen to Scratch Radio for once. Good show, always got the best tunes. Real pain that it airs so early though.

“Wait… Dash, I jus’ got an idea.” I swear if it has anything to do with going to get a cider, I’m getting her a shrink. “There’s only one single pony who sells carrot pie this side of the city! Heck, there’s only one pony who sells carrot anythin’ this side of the city!”

“…There is? Who?”

“Carrot Top!” Oh yeah. She is the only one who would think of something as crazy as carrot pie. She may be a rookie, but I knew AJ would come through!

“Well then what we waiting for!? We got our culprit, lets go!”

“Woah, nelly! We can’t just go arresting her like that! Sure, she may have made the pie, but that don’t mean she threw it!”

She’s right. Good thinking, AJ. “You’re right! Good thinking AJ! But she’s still a suspect and our only lead! Get Twi on the line, all the usual paperwork, yeah?”

“Jus’ hold on there. Only lead? We ain’t even looked for clues yet!”

“Huh…? Oh, oh yeah! I knew that! Just keeping you on your hooves AJ!” Have to throw these sort of tests out once and a while, keep her sharp. “Oh, but the forensics guys didn’t find squat. Maybe we should just skip the sweep and get on Carrot Top’s tail, you know? Don’t want to give her a headstart!”

“They didn’t, huh? Then what in tarnation is that you’re standing on?”

What is she…? Huh, I am standing on something! Nothing gets past my eye! “It’s a business card for the ‘Dragon’s Den!’ I know that place! Real shady! And suspicious!”

“Ain’t they the same thing?”

“Nah, pretty sure they’re different. Ask Twi. Hey kid, this yours!?” His eyes says it is, but we’ll see what lies he tries to pull this time! Nine out of ten times, the victims isn’t really the victim!

“Oh, umm… y-yeah. I go there quite often. J-Just for a drink or two, you know? It’s a, umm…nice…nice place.”

SUSPICIOUS! But how can I get him to talk? He’s obviously lying about something! Rough him up a bit? Nah… try good cop? Maybe slip him a little something? So many choices, such riches a plenty…

“Sounds mighty fine, sir. You’re free to go.”

“Wait, what!? AJ! What you doing!?”

“We got all we need to make a good start, Dash.”

And he’s getting away! “But he’s clearly ly-”

“Keep ya yellin’ down! Ah know he’s lying, but if he’s in with those Den folks, we gotta take this real careful like! We can’t push too hard an’ make it clear we migh’ be on to ‘im. They’re a smart and mean bunch for sure, an’ if they think somepony’s on their trail, then thing’s migh’ get a tad complicated.”

I’ve sure taught this one well. She’s keeps this up, and she might even challenge me for best detective in town! “I get you, AJ! Brains v. brains! Cool brains!”

“Well, Ah don’ know ‘bout that…”

“Doesn’t matter! We have to go tell Twilight to do her thing, make it official! Wings & the Hoofmare are back in business!”

“Please, for the love of FlimFlam’s sweet cider, don’ call me that…”

______________________________________________________________________________

Carrot Top’s Carrot Emporium. Flashy name for a not so flashy store. Sweet, though. The sort of place that lights up the street, a place where ponies could gather over an excessively carrot-based lunch. It’s stores like this one that help you realise that not everything out there is stained with dirt or blood. Is what I’d like to say.

“Oooh, wow! Look at that mane! I’ve never seen a mane like that before! Well, before now, because I’ve just seen it! Doesn’t it make you just want to sing Private!?”

Heh. Even the military types could stop here peacefully. If only they knew… if only they all knew! This place is no better than any other seedy joint. Behind the bright decorations and cheery smiles is a pony who mowed down another in cold pastry.

“Ohhh, umm, yes, it’s wonderful…”

“Just look at all the colours! Six! Six colours! That’s, like, a lot!”

Somewhere here was one rotten vegetable. And I’m going to root it out.

“Rainbows! Rainbows! Come on Private, join in!”

“Umm, maybe we could just hum it? You know, be a little more quiet…? If that’s ok…”

Just as soon as I get this crazy mare off my mane.

“Would you cut it out!? I’m trying to think here! And why are you in our car!?” Why is she in our car? How come AJ didn’t stop them!? Where was AJ anyway? She was here a second ago!

“Well, duh. Where else would I get such a super fantastic spot to play with your mane, silly!”

“I’m back, sugarcube. Who’s the pinkie? She army?”

“Sergeant Pinkie Pie! At your service!”

“AJ! Where were you!?” Not cool, AJ! Not cool! Leaving me without somepony to watch my back! Sure, I could take anypony, but the point still stands!

“Where I said I was; gettin’ a paper. You tellin’ me I leave you alone for less than, what? Five minutes? An’ you let a total stranger in the car to mess about with your mane? Gosh darn it Dash, we’re on a case here!”

“A case!? Ooh, ooh, are you detectives? We need a detective! I would be a detective, but I’m a Sergeant and I can’t be both at the same time!”

Smooth moves, Applejack. Now you’re got her interested! Darn, my mane looks stupid! Where’s my comb…

“Jus’ slow down there, ma’am. What’s all this about needin’ detectives like us? Don’ the military have their own people for that sorta thing?”

“Oh yes, we do! They’re very kind and helpful, but … umm…”

“They. Are. USELESS! They couldn’t find a needle in a haystack, even after I ate all the hay for them!”

She’s honest at least. And sounds like the army ponies could use some lessons from yours truly as well. “Sorry, can’t help. If you didn’t notice, we’re already on a case. You’ll have to find us some other time.”

“Now hold on a second there, Dash. We can’t deal with it now, but we can take the details down at least, save us having to track ‘em down later. Besides, we can always use the business.”

“Fine, but be quick! This stakeout was a terrible idea; we should just go in and arrest her already.”

“Quick? Okie-dokie! SothereIwassittingatmydeskwhenPrivateFluttershycomesrunningintomyroomsayingthefencehasabigholeinitwhichmademegoGASPbutthenitturnedouttoonlybeasmallholesoIshouldhavereallyjustwentgaspanywayit’s-

“Woah, woah, WOAH! Not that quick! Private… Fluttershy, right? Why don’t you try?”

“Yea, Private Flutershy’ ma’am. I think that might be for the best.”

“Oh, umm, a-are you sure? Because I think the Sergeant was doing just fine, really!

“No, she wasn’t. You tell us.”

“Well… it’s just like the Sergeant said. A few days ago, I found a hole had been cut in the perimeter of the fence, and I was so worried! It’s quite sharp and all sorts of critter could cut themselves on it, maybe even the fillies who play nearby! Really, it makes me so upset that somepony could do such an irresponsible thing!”

“Uhh, riiight. For all the critters. Look, we’ll have a look as soon as we’re done with this case alright? Where you two stationed?”

“Over at Fort Haymilton! Here, take this invitation card! It’ll get you all the way in, no questions!”

I’m more of a police pony, but I’m pretty sure military passes weren’t made with glitter.

“Uhh… thanks? Me and Dash here’ll be sure to drop in.”

“Oh, thank you detectives! It would be terrible if the culprit struck again! Think of all that nasty, sharp wire!”

“Come on, Private! We’ve got ARTILLERY to inspect! Yay! Bye-bye detectives!”

“Yeah… bye.”

“…Shucks, what was that about?”

“No idea, AJ. But it sounds like easy money, so we may as well look into when we get the chance.”

“You’re right there, sugarcube. Now should we go have ourselves a chat with Ms. Carrot?”

“Read my mind, partner!”

This was it. Two detectives, solving a crime with style.

“Welcome to Carrot Top’s Carrot Emporium! My name is Carrot Top, the owner. What can I get you two fine ladies this afternoon? We have a special on the soup today!”

“Sorry, Ms. Top. We ain’t here for anything to eat.”

“Darn straight! I’m Wings, and this is Hoofmar-”

“We’re detectives, ma’am. An’ if you don’t mind, we’d like to ask you some questions.”

It’s clear to me now, that AJ still has a lot to learn. You don’t interrupt a pony when they’re introducing, especially when they’re introducing two kick-flank detectives. Maybe she’s still shy about her work name? Oh AJ, you’re way too meek!

“Q-Questions…? What-Whatever about? Y-You don’t think a simple s-shopkeeper like me has something to hide do you?”

“Calm down there, Ms. Top. They’re just questions, ain’t nothin’ to be scared of now, is there?”

Ohhhh, this mare is so going downtown.

“N-No, no. O-Of course not! I’ll… be with you in a moment, I just need to… take a cake out of the oven! These ponies just can’t get enough of my world famous carrot cake!”

“I’m sure they can’t, ma’am.”

“Just a minute!”

She had better be quick. I want something to eat too. Hopefully something without carrot in it.

“…What have I told you ‘bout using that stupid name!?”

“Aww, come on, AJ! It’s bad-flank! Every awesome detective needs an awesome name to go by. It’s how these things work, but you wouldn’t understand it yet.”

“An’ whats that supposed to mean?”

“Chill, AJ! You just gotta work the business a bit longer, get a few more cases under your belt! Then you’ll know what I’m talking about!”

“…Oh, snap!”

“Heh, don’t worry about it! You’ll get there!”

“No, look! The cakes!”

“…Huh? What about them? You don’t want one, right? Because I hate carrot-”

“Dash! There are two carrot cakes already out here! Why in tarnation would she need to get another if she ain’t sold a slice of those two!”

Huh. There are two cakes already. Wait… wait… Oh Celestia she’s trying to jump us! “AJ! Follow her around the back, I’ll cut her off from the air!”

“Roger!”

Awww, yeah! This is what being a detective is all about! The dramatic chase after assembling all the evidence! She can run, but there isn’t any hiding from Wings and the Hoofmare! Just you wait, Carrot Top! We’re going to plant you!