Ponies vs. Humans

by DonutBeagle

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Adventure, Human
Length: 3585

A simple competition turns into a full blown race war.

A simple day laying out on a field heats up when Lyra challenges local human Kyle Schuurman to a rock climbing contest. Naturally Kyle wins, but this doesn't stop Lyra wanting to prove she is better at something.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-02 12:53:14 UTC

Ponies Vs. Humans I

“That cloud right there looks like my grandmothers wig.”

“Really, that’s the third cloud that looks like your grandmothers hairpiece?”

“How can I when every cloud in Equestria looks the same?”

Kyle Schuurman and Lyra Heartsrings were laid out under the shade of the plateau in an open field, watching the clouds hanging lazily in the air, being a few hundred meters away from Ponyville. Having worked from morning to noon gave Kyle the chance to hang out with his favorite mare, as the two of them talked and shared what they did today and ended up laying out on the grass and staring at the clouds.

Kyle was one of the few human visitors who would befriend the minty unicorn mare who made it her sworn duty to get to know every single human who settled in Equestria. The reception at which humans had been received had been wary at first, none of the ponies were willing to welcome these alien visitors from another dimension due in part to recent visits by outsiders like griffons or changelings reinforcing their xenophobia.

Sure Pinkie Pie gave a warm welcome to each and every bewildered human with her party wagon ending up coated in something different each time (Kyle remembered one of the last arrivals named Paul getting covered in peanut butter, which he was allergic to). And sure both Twilight and Princess Celestia did their best to make things comfortable enough for whatever human ended up in Equestria.

Lyra, however, was different.

Being an eccentric young filly, Lyra was always making up new things and had a wild imagination. Her most favorite thing to do was talk about humans, a bunch of creatures she supposedly made up. At first everypony played along with Lyra’s fascination with her new creations, but time went on Lyra’s obsession with humans grew to the point where she actually started to believe that they were real. This only drove ponies away. Only her friend Bon Bon had stuck with Lyra through thick and thin since Magic Kindergarten, and the two of them moved to Ponyville where they shared rent on a two-story house.

Now that humans were actually in Equestria now, Lyra had been vindicated. Having endured rumors and gossip, the minty unicorn nevertheless was modest at being proven right in the end. She simply shrugged to former neighsayers who had once ridiculed her and said, “Perhaps now everypony will take a more active interest in anthropology.”

Celestia was well known for her compassion and generosity and welcomed the new arrivals to stay in Ponyville where they first appeared in (coincidentally Ponyville has had weird occurences happen to it more frequently ever since Nightmare Moon was defeated) and although the inability to return home to their own world disheartened Kyle and the others, they did make the best of their situation by befriending a lot of the ponies in town.

“You know I like the spot you chose for us.”

Kyle turned to the minty unicorn, “Really?”

“Yeah, the hill we’re on is where the wind crests over it not so much that it bothers us, and the shade from the plateau behind us is protecting us from most of the sun rays.”

Kyle chuckled, “That’s funny, because the last time I chose where we could hang out looking at clouds we were nearly ran over by a herd of stampeding cows. Was it the one, Muriel? She claimed to have spotted a snake circling underneath her.”

Lyra shrugged her shoulders, “Cows are kind of skittish, I’m surprised it was Muriel who started the freak-out. Usually she is the most levelheaded of her herd. This wasn’t the first time Ponyville had been threatened by a stampede of cows . . . and rabbits in one instance.”

“Rabbits?”

“To make a long story short Applejack was half-asleep when she scared a herd of rabbits into Ponyville. Apparently that apple farmer wanted to prove that she could harvest her own orchard without any help.”

“And this all happened before Discord?” Kyle asked skeptically.

Lyra giggled, “Trust me, that wasn’t the weirdest thing to happen to Ponyville.”

Kyle stretched out and looked upward at the plateau towering over them. He took in a lungful of air and sighed, relishing in the clean air compared to the smog-filled air where he came from.

“You know if I really was feeling up to it I would race you to the top of that plateau.”

“Oh yeah,” Lyra said as he tail swished between her legs.

Kyle looked over at the minty unicorn, “But I don’t want to miss a second of this great weather.”

“Me neither,” Lyra agreed as she stretched out.

“Besides, I think we know who would win on the climb up,” Kyle said jokingly.

Lyra raised her eyes, “Oh, and who would that be?”

“Why I think you already know the answer,” Kyle turned to look at the mare.

“Me,” Lyra answered coyly, batting her eyelashes.

“Very funny, but I believe that it would be me,” Kyle corrected her.

Lyra sat up, “You really want to test that out. I’m pretty good at mountain climbing.”

“With those hooves,” Kyle laughed, “Aren’t you supposed to need hands for that?”

“Don’t remind me,” Lyra whacked Kyle playfully on the shoulder.

“You really think you can beat me in rock climbing,” Kyle sounded incredulous.

Lyra got up and stretched out, “Well there’s only one way to find out.”

Kyle laughed and sat up and proceeded to take off his jersey revealing a light gray T-shirt underneath, “You’re serious?”

“Totally,” Lyra winked at her human companion, “Unless you’re all talk?”

“As if!” Kyle got up and began his stretches, “I happened to be the top of my rock climbing class in Summer Camp. Sure that may have been several years ago, but my chances are substantially higher than yours.”

Lyra smirked, the fires of competitiveness danced in her eyes, “Then lets make this interesting: whoever reaches the top first has the loser buy a smoothie.”

Kyle laughed a little. Lyra had a love for dairy shakes, whether it was hay blend or Cherry-Berry Blast. Perhaps that was why her flank was a bit more substantial compared to her marefriend, BonBon . . .

“Well, alright if you want to watch me drink your favorite flavor, then so be it,” Kyle then took off running towards the plateau. Lyra’s eyes widened in shock as she was in the middle of one of her stretches, she struggled to untangle herself.

“Hey! No head starts! That’s cheating!” Lyra yelled as she finally untangled herself, “And that will be the last time I take stretching exercises from Blossomforth.”

Ponies Vs. Humans II

Contrary to what Lyra had first told Kyle about her climbing prowess, she was actually at the bottom of her class. While other foals could manage to scale the rocks for hoof holdings, Lyra could only succeed in creating a miniature dustcloud as she flailed about hoping her hooves would catch onto something.

Kyle was at least sincere as he scaled the plateau with incredible ease. Looking down at Lyra he couldn’t help but break into a smile. The Minty Unicorn was huffing and puffing as she inched herself forward upward, only to slide down a few feet at a time. Her once vibrant coat was now sullied with dirt and debris, and her mane was even worse off as the white became gray and brown.

Kyle could not resist teasing the poor mare, “Hey Lyra!”

The dirty unicorn stopped her struggles to look up at her friend who was about halfway to the top.

Kyle extended his arm as if he was trying to reach out to her, “Need a hand?”

“Oh har har, that joke was so funny it’s a wonder you haven’t picked up any human females with your witty speech,” Lyra rasped. She knew that the comment was poking fun at her little obsession with hands, but she had other interests as well . . . she liked feet too.

Grunting, she pulled herself up to a ledge. Catching her breath for a moment she looked up to see that Kyle had nearly reached the top, having scaled the rocks and crevices using those magnificent fingers of his. Shaking her head, Lyra knew she could not lose track of what she was doing right now.

“I gotta stay focused right now, I can’t lose to Kyle otherwise he might not let me live this down!”

Planting her hooves firmly into the ground, Lyra gritted her teeth, “Here goes nothing!”

With the grace of a manticore in the heat, the determined unicorn charged up the side of the plateau, kicking up a storm of rocks and shale. Grunting and closing her eyes to protect herself from the dirt she was kicking up, Lyra pressed forward determined to reach the top. Muscles constricted and nostrils flaring, Lyra Heartstrings pushed on forward.

Sputtering as she inhaled dust, Lyra felt her hoof catch a flat surface. Ecstatic, the minty unicorn reasoned that what she felt was the top of the plateau. She had made it! Shaking her head a few times and wiping a hoof across her eyes, Lyra cleared her vision to get a good look were she was at.

“Impressive! Through the haze of the small dust storm you created I saw that you made it just a couple feet more!” Kyle called down to her.

Lyra’s eyes widened in shock as she fully assessed her situation. Through all that hard climbing, her hoofs had torn through the earth and had actually dug a small crater into the side of the plateau. She had only managed to reach a small ledge that was nowhere near the halfway point where Kyle had been. Speaking of Kyle, where was he anyway? Her eyes scanning upward, Lyra’s mouth hung open as she saw where the human was: his legs dangling over the edge on top of the elevate landmass smirking down at her.

“So, what was that all about you being at the top of your class?”

Lyra dunked her head in the cool water hoping to get some of the grime out of her beautiful mane. Shaking her head a couple of times, she tried to see her reflection cast in the water, but the ripples from the last plunge distorted the view.

Kyle was not far off from her right at the edge of the pond, having his legs submerged. He sighed, liking the cool water on his legs after a rough climb up a rocky plateau.

“Stupid dirt,” Lyra grumbled as she scrubbed at her hair vigorously, “Why – won’t – you – come – out?”

Kyle overheard her, “I bet now that you’ve come to the conclusion that a climb up a steep landmass wasn’t the best choice for a relaxing afternoon?”

“No, I still think it was a pretty good choice,” Lyra shook her mane, “I mean of course we got dirty, but I think it was an overall good exercise for the both of us.”

“I would agree on the latter of your statement, but as for the former it looks as though you took a dirt bath.”

Lyra’s ears twitched, “Well I guess others are lucky to not have coats which dirt can easily cling to.”

“And I’m thankful that my ancestors grew out from their hairy bodies.”

The two of them stared at each other intently for a moment, before Lyra’s mouth gave way to a smile and Kyle soon followed with a chuckle. Soon the both of them were in a fit of laughter.

“Hehe, you know I never gotten over the fact that you believe you came from apes!” Lyra chuckled as she got on dry land to shake her hooves off.

“Well in my defense I find it a little easier to believe that all ponies came about as a result of magical tears made by the alicorns.”

Lyra, satisfied that she was mostly dried off, turned to Kyle with a smile, “Like I said, ponykind needs to get into the study of anthropology.”

Kyle brushed his legs free of water, “Anthropology? Wouldn’t you be more interested in what your cutie mark is?”

Turning to look at her cutie mark with a frown, Lyra shook her head, “That’s what it’s telling me, but not what I really practice. It’s what Rarity is like, her talent is locating gems and such, but her passion is in dress design.”

Suppressing a small shudder that coursed through his body, Kyle could recall how many times Rarity requested that Kyle model for the new human clothing she would be making for the new human arrivals. After a while Kyle decided to stop visiting or coming near Carousel Boutique, lest he be dragged in for more modeling some of Rarity’s more horrendous designs.

The minty unicorn sat down and stared across the pond, using her hoof to motion Kyle to sit next to her, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m just as interested with how we came about as much as you, but the real reason I’m into anthropology as I am is because your presence – human presence – had influenced Equestrian society when nopony else wanted to believe you even existed and tried to explain your kind away as a myth.”

Taking his place next to Lyra, Kyle gave his pony friend an amused look, “Your not considering any of your conspiracy theories again?”

Lyra hit Kyle on the shoulder, “Okay so maybe I was a little overhyped on the whole ‘Celestia is hiding the truth from us’ but I think I grew out of it.”

“You think?”

Lyra began playing with her mane, “Well I have had some thoughts on the whole ‘Hearth’s Warming Eve’ pageant.”

Kyle felt a part of himself perk up, “Do share with me.”

The minty unicorn brushed her human friend off, “Oh you don’t need to hear it, its silly.”

“But now I do since you claim it to be silly.”

Lyra threw up her hooves in the air, “Ugh! I can tell you’re going to continue pestering me about so here it is: I have a suspicion that Celestia deliberately created the whole pageant to cover up the previous ancient human civilization that existed before it was wiped out by Discord. The reason why she did it I really haven’t the faintest clue!”

Kyle suppressed a chuckle, “Better not tell Twilight that little theory of yours, she really is protective of the Princess.”

Lyra’s ears perked up, “Hey, speaking of Twilight, do you think we could stop by Sugarcube Corner? Pinkie Pie works there so Twilight might be there as well.”

“I’m afraid to ask, but what’s with the sudden interest in Twilight?”

Lyra grinned, “Ever since you guys came here I’ve been trying to get Twilight to see the importance in anthropology, my hope is she’ll catch on and convince Celestia to ratify anthropology to be a taught course.”

Kyle nodded, “So do you think she is considering it?”

“Oh I bet she is getting ready to concede to my reasoning,” Lyra smiled triumphantly, “I have a way getting what I want.”

Twilight took a bite out of the cupcake as she explained her situation to Rainbow Dash, “And that’s when she asked me to send a special request to Princess Celestia asking to make anthropology a taught course, not just some extra one credit course that nopony gives a hoof about!”

Dash leaned over and put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder, “So Lyra’s really obsessed with this whole ‘antho-thingey’ process, why not tell her to just buzz off?”

Twilight buried her head into her hooves, “Because she has a valid point! I mean, we have been skipping over so many valuable subjects. No wonder Nightmare Moon was regarded as a myth all this time, there was no Ancient History courses in the school curriculum!”

Rainbow whickered, “So who cares about classes anyway? I mean, I usually skipped those classes to hang out with Gilda or just being plain hooky and I turned out alright.”

Twilight chose to hold her tongue, not wanting to upset Rainbow by pointing out she was still stuck doing a weather job when she could be at a higher position in Cloudsdale, maybe with a better chance at getting into the Wonderbolts.

Pinkie Pie suddenly appeared out of thin air, announcing another batch of her delicious cupcakes. Rainbow eagerly took the one with a lightning bolt on it while Twilight being less enthusiastic took a vanilla frosted cupcake with red sprinkles.

“So is anypony else enthralled about the idea making anthropology a major required class, or is it just Lyra?” Rainbow asked as she took a bite out of her cupcake.

Nibbling on her cupcake, the treasured student of Princess Celestia gave an exasperated sigh, ”Normally I would have the ear of the Executive Board of the School for Gifted Unicorns and the Equestrian School Management about any other topic, but this time they seem unusually unsupportive about considering anthropology a major subject. All I want to do right now is not focus on the matter and take a small break, and the last pony I need to see right now is –“

“Hey Lyra! Hiya Kyle!” Pinkie Pie called out, causing Twilight to slam her head on the table again.

Ponies vs. Humans III (Preview)

Kyle eagerly took a cupcake from the platter and sat down alongside Lyra at the table with Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle, the latter who still had her head to the surface of the plastic tabletop.

Raising an eyebrow at the state Lyra was in, Rainbow Dash looked at Kyle accusingly, “Alright, what did the two of you get into this time?”

Leaning back on his chair, Kyle smirked, “Oh nothing, its just that I dominated Heartstrings in rock climbing.”

Lyra sighed and brushed a few loose strands of her mane from her eyes, “That’s because he had the advantage with those hands of his, I just thought that maybe I could pull it off with my earlier experiences in rock climbing.”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, “Yeah, I can see how that turned out for you. You look dirtier than Applejack after a full day of work and running a few laps around the field.”

“Please don’t remind me,” Lyra groaned as she ran a hoof down her once pristine mane, “It’s going to take at least a spa treatment to fix my mane again.”

Kyle chuckled and took a bite from the cupcake. Normally delicious baked treats weren’t his forte, but he felt he deserved one after climbing that plateau. After all, it wasn’t every day that he schooled someone else in a sport.

“Let’s just never try anything like that again, agreed Kyle?” Lyra said crossly, “I don’t want to have a repeat of my mane getting ruined again.”

‘You’re right, humans are just superior in sports,” Kyle teased.

“Excuse me?” Lyra exclaimed incredulously, “No, I meant let’s not try anything competitive between the two of us, I mean we should just have had fun rock climbing together!”

Kyle grinned, knowing that the minty unicorn couldn’t resist the bait, “Yeah, and you shouldn’t feel too bad about losing to me.”

“Hold on,” Twilight had by now picked her head up from the table, “You don’t actually think humans are better at things than ponies are.”

“Oh I don’t think, I know,” Kyle smirked, “Face it, the human race is braver, faster, stronger, we’re superior.”

This got Rainbow’s goat, “Oh yeah, prove it.” The hot-headed Pegasus leaned over the table and went nose to nose with Kyle.

“All right,” Kyle scratched his chin briefly, “But the challenge has to be fair, which means both humans and ponies can accomplish.”

Looking back at her wings, Dash sighed, “Right, we’ll do challenges only the humans are limited to.”

“Oh, trust me gay pride, you can’t imagine – “ Kyle started to retort before the front of his shirt was grabbed roughly and he was now pulled eye-to-eye with a furious Pegasus.

“Don’t – call – me –that – name,” the once boisterous pony was dragging out each word.

Kyle winced, having remembered that Dash wasn’t too fond of that nickname he had given her. Sometimes it just slipped out, and a host of other nicknames he gave the rainbow-mane pony.

Deciding to intervene, Twilight used her magic to break the Kyle and Dash apart, “Alright you two, is this really necessary? Can’t we all just relax rather than partake in some pointless competition?”

Rainbow Dash snorted, “Oh no, I’m not backing down from the challenge. Alright Kyle, since you think humans can do anything better than ponies can, why don’t you pick the first challenge?”

Kyle grinned and shrugged, “Alright I will! Just let me gather the guys together . . .”

“Wait, we’re not really going to participate in this, are we?” Twilight asked worryingly, indicating herself and Lyra.

“What do you think?” Rainbow Dash turned and gave Twilight a cocky grin, “We’re going to beat these human’s flanks!”

An exasperated groan and Twilight’s head met the table once again.

Suddenly Pinkie Pie bounded out of nowhere balancing a tray of cupcakes on her head, “Oooh, a competition? Is it going to be like a game? Can I play?!”

Smiling, Kyle took another cupcake from the table, “Sure, why not? The more the merrier.”