Rocks, Boomboxes, and Kidney Stones

by alexmagnet

Rating: everyone
Tags: Trixie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Random
Length: 3236

In a bid for Twilight's attention, Trixie attempts various stunts to gain entry to the Golden Oaks Library, and Twilight's heart. Luckily, she has some help. But what does Spike know about mares? Apparently a lot...

Having been rejected, yet again, Trixie decides that drastic measures must be taken in order to gain entry to the Golden Oaks Library... and Twilight's heart. Fortunately for her, and the rest of Ponyville, she's stopped by someone who knows Twilight intimately. Against his better judgement, Spike agrees to help Trixie with her purple pony problem. But what does Spike know about wooing mares? Apparently a lot.

Published 2013-07-13 00:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-13 00:40:01 UTC

Mare in the (Library) Tower

Trixie ran through a mental checklist as she surveyed her surroundings. Just across the deadly laser grid, she could see her destination: Golden Oaks Library. Daisies held in one hoof, she patted her chest, feeling the necklace beneath her other hoof. She had everything she needed. She took a deep breath.

“Okay, Operation: Win Over Twilight Sparkle is a-go.”

Placing the bundle of daisies in her mouth, Trixie galloped towards the laser field. The beams were invisible, but she had the whole thing mapped out in her head. She had had a lot of practice.

Two steps, jump. Three to the left, then forward and under. Double somersault over a pair of laser lines then tuck and roll under one more, followed by a vaulting leap across a pool of acid, and ending in a cartwheel past the landmines. With a final pike flip onto the doormat, just for flair, Trixie let out her held breath. She was getting pretty good at this.

Making sure her cape and hat were straight, Trixie cleared her throat and breathed into her hoof. Everything was in order, there was no way Twilight would refuse her this time. Trixie stretched her hoof towards the door, slowly, timidly. After a slight pause, she cocked her hoof back then rapped it against the door.

Trixie cracked her neck, and shook her limbs out. As she quickly ran through her speech in her head, she couldn’t help but smirk. This plan was perfect. There was no way she could be rejected again.

Trixie’s breath was stolen away as the door swung open, revealing Twilight Sparkle, wreathed in light and accompanied by a little green and purple dragon. This was Trixie’s chance.

“Twilight, Trixie would—”

The door slammed shut with all the force of a backhanded pimp-slap, reverberating its sonorous warbles in Trixie’s downturned ears.

Rejected again.

The daisies she held in her hoof wilted almost immediately, dying from rejection by proxy. With a defeated sigh, Trixie tossed them aside.

“Hey! Watch it!” shouted a passing stallion as he rubbed his head.

She kicked at the dirt, ignoring the mysterious voice and sending up little puffs of dust as she contemplated just what went wrong this time. Getting to the library had been no problem. The preliminary defenses were easy as ever, but she was thwarted, once again, by the very mare she was trying to reach. She had even brought daisies, just like she liked, but for some crazy reason, Twilight refused to let her in, or even let her speak. Clearly this meant a change in tactics was in order.

The next day, Trixie stood just outside the perimeter of the Golden Oaks Library, home of Twilight Sparkle. She stuck a hoof in her mouth and held it up to the wind, testing its velocity and direction. North by Northwest, and about... one—no, one and a half miles an hour. She couldn’t have asked for better conditions.

She made sure her rump was secure in the leather seat—elastic strings on either side—before bending over to pick up the daisies, gingerly biting down on them to keep them secure. If her calculations were correct, her acceleration would rip them from her mouth if she didn’t bite down hard enough. Fortunately, she had jaws of steel. In fact, she could rip a stallion’s jugular from his neck if she were so inclined. The Great and Powerful Trixie was a mare of many talents, some of them not quite as benign as others. But none of that mattered right now. Right now she only had one goal in mind: getting into that library.

The thick branches creaked as she settled in a little further into her seat. She tested the tension on the elastic by tapping it with her hoof, eliciting a single twangy note. The thought crossed her mind to serenade Twilight with these dulcet twangs, but she quickly dismissed it because that would be ridiculous. Twilight would never be wooed by some silly elastic. No, she had made up her mind. This was possibly the only way inside that library, and it had the added benefit of skipping over all the defenses, so that was a bonus.

“Prepare yourself, Twilight Sparkle. Trixie is coming!”

Loosing a warrior’s cry, she reached down to pull the stick that was holding her in place away and let herself go, but stopped when she saw a green and purple... something tapping his foot and staring at her with a raised eyebrow. Her warcry quickly faded away like a giant balloon animal being deflated. She sighed.

“Yes? What is it? Can’t you see Trixie is in the middle of something very important here, and that she does not wish to be disturbed?”

Spike pointed at the giant slingshot Trixie was currently sitting in. “Important? You mean like catapulting yourself at the library?”

“You say that like it makes no sense.”

“And you’re saying it does?”

“Well obviously.”

Spike shook his head. “Just what the heck are you doing, Trixie? You come around here every day, always knocking on the door, or trying some crazy stunt to get inside. Last week it was stilts, the week before it was teleportation—which actually would’ve worked if you had known how to do it—and now it’s a slingshot? I don’t get you. What do you want so bad?”

“Not what,” Trixie corrected with a wag of her hoof, “who. I’m not doing this for some object. I’m doing this for her, besides, how do you even know me?”

“Know you? Trixie, I live there. That’s my house.” Spike pointed at the window directly above the door. “You see that? That’s my room.”

Trixie’s ears perked up, and a sly grin split her face. “I see, so you can let me inside then?”

“Well, not exactly—”

Trixie reached for the stick lodged between her and the ground and started to tug at it.

Spike grabbed her hoof and pulled it away. “Now hang on, just wait a second.” Trixie eyed him cautiously. “Just... stop, for one second. I can’t just let you in, but I may be able to help you convince Twilight to let you in.”

“Trixie is listening.”

“Just get out of that slingshot, and we can talk, I don’t want you to accidentally catapult off in the middle of our conversation.” Spike reached forward to pull Trixie out. She accepted, grabbing his claw and letting him pull her up, whilst simultaneously placing a heavy rock in the seat she had previously occupied.

“To keep it from launching,” she explained.

Spike didn’t even bother questioning the logic behind that and instead started into his speech. “Okay, so look, Trixie. You can’t just catapult your way into a mare’s house. That’s not how it works. You gotta find out what they like and talk to ‘em and be nice and stuff. You can’t just barge in and demand to be heard.”

“It’s worked for Trixie in the past.”

“And that’s another thing,” said Spike, pointing at her. “This whole talking in third-person thing has to stop. It’s just obnoxious and no one wants to be around someone that acts so high and mighty all the time. You can’t just act like you’re superior to everyone else. That’s not how you get ponies to like you.”

“But Trixie is superior! Would you have me not act like myself?” Trixie asked haughtily.

“You just spoke in first-person right there.”

“Trixie doesn’t see your point.”

Spike slapped his forehead with a resounding clap. “Okay, fine, whatever. Let’s just stick to the easy stuff, okay?”

“That being?”

“That being the stuff Twilight likes.”

Trixie presented the daisies to Spike. “I already have that covered. Daisies are her favorite, are they not?”

Spike shook his head. “What? No, lavender is her favorite. She’s allergic to daisies.”

Trixie stroked her chin thoughtfully. “Hmm, that would explain why they were in her medical records then.”

“You stole Twilight’s medical records?” Spike said, holding his hands out and shaking them.

Trixie waved a hoof flippantly. “‘Stole’ is such an ugly word. I prefer ‘pilfered’. Besides, it’s not like she was using them.”

“Her doctors were!”

“Details details.”

Spike sighed. “Okay, so moving past the possible felonies, what else do you know about Twilight?”

Trixie’s hoof absentmindedly batted at the bit of mane dangling in front of her. “Well, I know she likes piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain. Also, she’s not into yoga.”

Spike bit his lip, opening and closing his mouth repeatedly. “I think... you may be confusing her with someone else,” he finally managed.

Trixie frowned. “But I got this information from a very reliable source.”

Spike cocked an eyebrow. “Oh?”

“In addition to her medical records, I also pilfered her journal.”

Spike’s eyebrow rose slowly. “She... she keeps a journal?”

Trixie nodded happily. “Sure. I have it with me right now.”

“Can I see it?”

“It’s rude to look in other ponies’ personal journals,” Trixie said. Spike’s mouth opened. “But, I suppose I could let you see it.”

Trixie fished around in a bag lying next to the slingshot, extracting a small square object. As she handed it to Spike, his open mouth turned into a frown, a frown that only deepened as he saw what Trixie was handing him.

“This is a CD,” he said.

“Trixie doesn’t see what you mean by that.”

Spike took the CD and flipped it over. “It’s a CD, not a journal.” He read the back. “You were just quoting song lyrics. This isn’t even about Twilight, is it?”

“It was in her room.”

Spike threw up his hands. “Whoa, wait. You were in her room!?”

Trixie nodded. “Only once though, and it was while she was asleep. But I was really quiet so I wouldn’t wake her up.”

Spike found himself staring intently at the suavely dressed stallion on the cover of the CD, wondering what he had gotten himself into. Taking a deep breath, he said, “Okay, so glossing over even more criminal activity, I just have to tell you that Twilight does not, in fact, like piña coladas, or getting caught in the rain.” He thought for a moment. “Though she does hate yoga,” he added quietly.

“Trixie isn’t sure how to take this news,” Trixie said, her lips curling into a frown. “That was everything I had.”

Spike patted her on the back comfortingly. “It’s okay. I still know what we can do, and against my better judgement, I’m going to help you.”

Trixie’s frown slowly started to turn in on itself until it became a small smile. “Really?” Spike nodded. “Well I guess I won’t be needing this anymore, then.” Her horn exploded with energy is as she ripped a small necklace off and tossed it aside.

Spike furrowed his brow. “I’m almost afraid to ask. What was that?”

“A stone,” Trixie said nonchalantly.

The furrow deepened. “A stone?”

Trixie nodded. “A kidney stone.”

“...”

Ignoring Spike’s look of utter disgust, Trixie continued, “Her medical records were very insightful.”

“Gross...” He stuck his tongue out, dry-heaving slightly. Shaking off the thought of that thing, Spike said, “Anyway, we better hurry up and get started. If we go now, we can be there and back before it’s dark.”

“There?” Trixie asked, cocking her head to the side.

Spike grinned slyly. “You’ll see.”

Three hours, six stores, twenty bits, and one milkshake later, Trixie and Spike stood on edge of the Golden Oaks Library property line.

“Ahhhhhh.” Spike gave a contented sigh as he finished off the last of the milkshake and tossed it toward a nearby bin, eliciting a wet smack.

“Again!? What is happening?”

“Okay, are you ready, Trixie?” Spike asked, ignoring that oddly familiar voice.

Decked out in a faux-leather jacket, amber sunglasses, and a boombox hefted on one shoulder, Trixie smirked confidently. “I was born ready.” Her smirk faltered for second as she realized, “Wait, what about the laser grid?”

Spike turned his head to look up at her incredulously. “Laser grid?”

Trixie waved her hoof dismissively. “It’s nothing, nevermind.”

“Riiiiiiight... anyway.” He pulled a cassette tape out of the small plastic bag he was holding and offered it to Trixie. “Whenever you’re ready,” he said.

Her heart was racing like a double-bass pedal drum as she loaded the cassette into the boombox. She took a deep breath to steady her nerves and then stepped towards the library. She turned back to look at Spike; he gave her a thumbs-up. She nodded, steeling herself.

One small burst of magic, and the play button was depressed. It was now or never.

“...and I’ll never, never let you go. I will never let you goooooooooooo!”

Trixie clenched her teeth and cranked the volume up.

“FIRST TIME I LAID MY EYES UPON YOU, ALL MY DREAMS WERE ANSWERED! YOU’RE ALWAYS ON MY MIIIIIIIIIIIND! YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE FOR MEEEEEEEEE!”

Trixie fell down to one knee and started tossing her mane back and forth, head-banging like a true rock legend.

“You’re all I ever need, and I’ll never, never let you goooooooooooooooooo.”

Suddenly, the door to the library burst open. Trixie’s heart stopped. She froze in place.

Standing there in the doorway, a massive smile on her face, Twilight looked absolutely stunning. Her mane reflected the mid-afternoon sun, half-covered now, and her eyes sparkled with an intense light. A single tear worked its way down her cheek, only stopping as Twilight went to brush it away.

“How did you know?” she cried.

“What?” Trixie yelled back, cupping a hoof over her ear.

“I said, how did you know?” Twilight repeated.

Trixie leaned towards Twilight. “Know? Know what?”

Twilight frowned. “What?”

“What? Hang on.” Trixie reached up and pressed the play button the boombox again, pausing the music. As she set it carefully on the ground, she said, “Okay, that’s better. Now what did you say?”

Twilight shook her head, smiling despite herself. “How did you know?”

Trixie smirked. “Because I know you, babe. I know what you like, and I know you need me, just like I need you.” She shot a quick glance back at Spike, and he gave another thumbs-up. “I came here tonight hoping you would open your house to me. Trixie—I mean, I need you. You’re the only one for me.”

Twilight shook her head softly. “I don’t understand, all the other times you were so blunt and ham-fisted, but now you’re so sweet and sincere.” She blushed. “Of course you can come in. No one has ever done anything so nice for me before.”

Trixie grinned, and then, as if she suddenly remembered something, she turned back to Spike and waved him forward. He waddled up, carrying a bouquet of lavender with him. Trixie took it from him with a wave of blue magic, and offered it to Twilight. “These are for you, too. I know lavender’s your favorite.”

Twilight’s blush deepened. “That’s so sweet of you. I can’t believe this. You changed so much from earlier today. What happened?”

Trixie set the boombox down, and turned it off, suddenly looking serious. “You did, baby. I realized what I needed to do to win you over, so I did it. I had a little help from Spike, too.”

Twilight leaned to the side, looking past Trixie at Spike. “Is this true?” she asked. “Did you help Trixie?”

Spike nodded modestly. “A little, heh.”

She looked back at Trixie. “This is so amazing. I never believed something like this could happen to a mare like me.”

“What can I say?” Trixie said, spreading her hooves out. “I need you, babe.”

Twilight giggled, covering her mouth with a hoof. She waved Trixie forward. “Come on inside, I’ll make you something to eat.”

Trixie smiled. “I’d like that,” she said. “And maybe afterwards you can tell me how you beat that Ursa Minor.”

Twilight stopped in her tracks. “Wait... what?”

“Well, I was hoping you could tell me how you beat it so I could use it as my big finale during the next show,” Trixie replied.

Twilight’s cheeks changed from blushing-red to anger-red. “Let me get this straight, you wooed me just so I would teach you some magic?”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “Wooed you? Trixie doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

Twilight splayed her hooves out. “This! Everything! All of it!”

Trixie suppressed a laugh. “Wait a second,” she said, barely holding back a snort. “You actually thought Trixie was in love with you?” Twilight’s cheeks flared. “Bahahahaha!” Trixie burst out laughing, unable to contain it any longer. In between laughs, she said, “As if a mare like me could ever love a mare like you!”

Purple magic engulfed Trixie, stopping her raucous laughter immediately. “You... you... you jerk!” Twilight yelled. She lifted Trixie higher, picking up the boombox as well. “How dare you play with my emotions like that!” She began shaking Trixie violently, tossing the boombox aside as she did.

As Trixie felt her brains being scrambled like eggs at a 24-hour diner, she was dimly aware of the boombox as it flew past her and towards the slingshot that no one had bothered to take down. A second or two later, and there was a crashing sound as it smashed against the stick holding the slingshot in place, crushing it and releasing the heavy rock from its seat.

It all happened in slow-motion. Trixie was still being shaken around as the rock flew across the evening sky as gracefully as a fat butterfly. It sailed through the air, slicing a path directly through Spike’s window and across the hall into Twilight’s bedroom where it exited slightly less gracefully out the other end... flying right into some poor sap’s face.

“Oh, for... seriously!?”

Trixie felt herself drop to the ground as Twilight released her. Shaking her head to clear the dizziness, she looked up to see an infuriated Twilight.

The purple mare looked like she was about to explode. Her eyes were bugging out and her mane and tail had burst into flame. Just as she was about to use her magic to tear Trixie a new rear, she stopped herself. Taking a moment to catch her breath, she simply said, “You’re paying for that.” Trixie groaned. “And I don’t wanna hear any ‘buts’ either.”

Trixie raised her hoof. “Well, you see, the thing is, Trixie doesn’t have any money, per se.” Before she could say another word, Trixie felt something being pinned to her jacket. She looked down. “Library Assistant?”

“Welcome to the Golden Oaks team,” Twilight said cheerily, though with more than a hint of malice. “Any questions may be directed to Spike as I don’t ever want to speak to you again.” Trixie opened her mouth to say something, but Twilight had already turned away and walked back into the library, slamming the door behind her.

“Does this mean you’ll teach me how to vanquish an Ursa Minor!” Trixie called after her.

“Screw you!”

Rejected again.

Spike let out a long, slow whistle. He walked over to Trixie and helped her up. Placing his hand on her shoulder, he said, “Smooth. Real smooth.”

Trixie frowned. “Shoot, and I was so close this time too.”

“Dangerously close I’d say.”

Trixie shrugged. “Oh well, at least I made it into the library.”

“Baby steps,” Spike said, patting her shoulder softly. “Baby steps...”