Queen Galaxia and Her Most Alarmingly Amazingly Awesomest Adventures of All
~Author: JDC~
It was a nice sunny day in Ponyville, when suddenly, a blinding flash of light appeared. An alicorn, one and a half times the height of Princess Celestia, appeared in the town square.
This amazing alicorn had a whiter-than-white body, with lustrous, shiny wings that glinted in the sunlight. The wings were so large that she had twice the wingspan of Princess Celestia. She had a swirling galaxy adorning each flank as her Cutie Mark. Her extravagant mane, twice the length of her body, glimmered with constantly shifting, gleaming rainbow colours, billowing to one side of her as if blown by wind. Her tail also looked similar, extending behind her by half the length of her body, and it also billowed as if blown by wind. She had a stunningly beautiful face, with emerald eyes and a gentleness that put Princess Celestia to shame. She wore an extravagant gold breastplate, adorned with a massive diamond in the centre, along with smaller jewels of all sorts on the sides of the breastplate. She had an equally extravagant crown, adorned with diamonds, emeralds, amethysts, and any other precious gemstones that could be thought of. Her horn was twice the length of Princess Celestia's, and adorned with seven golden rings, each inset with a gemstone, so that all rings each had a different rainbow colour for their gems. Finally, she wore four extravagant golden hoofshoes, each decorated in a similar fashion to her breastplate.
In short, she looked AWESOME!
All of the ponies in the town square stopped and turned to face this alicorn. Their jaws dropped open due to the sheer beauty and awesomeness of this alicorn. All of the pegasi in the sky above Ponyville who saw her were so enthralled that they forgot they were flying, and promptly fell, crashing straight into the ground violenty.
"Oh dear!" said the alicorn. "I must fix this!"
A glowing, rainbow-coloured aura appeared around her horn, and suddenly, all of the dead pegasi littering the town square got up, unharmed, and turned to their saviour.
"Wow! You're so awesome!"
"Yeah! You're the best, you're my new favourite pony! Princess Celestia has got nothing on you!"
"Seriously, you're the best thing to ever happen to Ponyville, no, to all Equestria!"
"It's not a problem," said the awesome alicorn. She bowed slightly.
"Whoa! She's so humble!"
"Yes, it's so awesome to see someone so awesome be so awesome by not bragging but being awesomely humble!"
"Whoa! Now I see why all my boasting was wrong, I'll never do it again!", said a cyan pegasus mare with a prismatic mane.
From that day forward, Rainbow Dash never boasted again, but was extremely humble, well liked, accepted into the Wonderbolts, and married to Soarin' within a week. Three weeks later, she became the new captain of the Wonderbolts.
"Hitherewowyoulooksoawesomeandcoolnotevencellylooksthisnicethisissototallyamazingi'mpinkiepiewhatisyourname?" said a highly energetic, bouncing light pink mare, with a dark pink, puffy, mane an tail. She was clearly on a sugar rush.
"I am Queen Galaxia!" exclaimed the awe-inspiring alicorn.
"Ohwowthat'sanawesomenameandlookatthatswirlinggalaxycutiemarkwowi'llthrowapartyforyourightnow!" Out of nowhere, the physics-defying Pinkie Pie produced a party cannon and fired it. Tables, chairs, streamers, food and balloons were scattered all over the place. Ponies near the main square, including the Mane Six, were suddenly drawn in by awesomeness and started having the Best. Party. EVER! A party that was so important, not using capital letters and full stops when describing it was a crime.
"Hey, why don't you come sit with us?" said Pinkie Pie.
"I'd be delighted," said Queen Galaxia, conjuring an XL++ chair for her at the table. She sat her enormous, royal plot down and asked, "Who are these delightful ponies?"
"Their names are Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash and Applejack," said Pinkie Pie, pointing a hoof at the following ponies in turn: A lavender alicorn with a midnight blue mane with some purple and pink, a white unicorn with a stylish purple mane, a vanilla yellow pegasus with a light pink mane, the previously mentioned cyan pegasus, and an orange earth pony with a blonde mane and Stetson hat. "This is Queen Galaxia!" shouted Pinkie Pie enthusiastically, pointing her other hoof at Queen Galaxia.
"Oooooooooooooooo!" said Pinkie's friends, in unison.
They chatted about Queen Galaxia's adventures, not even bothering to talk about themselves, as Queen Galaxia was far too interesting to be concerned about such trifling details, in their opinion. They headed to Sugarcube Corner for a more private chat after Queen Galaxia stated how she freed some cybernetic organisms in another universe, many of whom were flying massive cube-shaped starships with a length of over three kilometres a side.
Meanwhile, at Ponyville town square, all of the stallions had pink hearts in their eyes, and the mares with them were glowering at their partners with an icy stare.
"She is so HOT!"
"Screw my wife, I'm going to marry that queen right now!"
"NO! SHE'S MINE!", yelled an angry, massive, white pegasus stallion with tiny wings that should not be able to support him. He had massive, rippling muscles all over his body and looked as if he had overdosed on steroids. With a swift swing of his hoof, he sent a large earth pony stallion flying right through the wall of the nearest house. This pony, unworthy of any further description due to his background status, died on impact.
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH! I'M GONNA -"
One timely scene transition later - mysteriously invoked in order to avoid explicit sexual content - in Sugarcube Corner, Queen Galaxia agreed to meet with Twilight Sparkle in her library, at the end of her discussion with Twilight and her friends.
Once Queen Galaxia left, she sensed something was wrong, and teleported straight to the Ponyville town square. The place had erupted into chaos, and was now a bloody battlefield, littered with the corpses of stallions vying for Queen Galaxia's affection. The mares had already fled the chaos, deciding living was better than beating their cheating husbands senseless. Numerous buildings had been badly damaged with stallion-shaped holes all over them. The only remaining stallion was a massive red earth pony stallion, hooves covered with blood. He had a large green apple for a Cutie Mark, and enough physical strength to make Captain Falcon's 'Falcon Punch' attack seem like a very gentle tap. Once he noticed his soon-to-be wife had reappeared, hearts reappeared in his eyes, but before he could utter a word, Queen Galaxia cut him off.
With a flash of her horn, all of the buildings were repaired, and all of the dead stallions suddenly appeared, just fine, lined up with the now immaculate stallion that had survived, in front of Queen Galaxia. "All of you should be ashamed of yourselves! Abandoning your wives like that for somepony you've never met. Just because I'm the most beautiful pony in existence does not mean you get to chase after me and fight to the death for my hoof in marriage," she chided. All of the stallions looked very guilty.
"We're so sorry, Queen Galaxia!"
"You're right, we never should have done that!"
"I can't believe we turned on each other like that!"
"Can you forgive us?"
"Yes," said Queen Galaxia. "You should all apologise for your behaviour to each other, and to your wives, they'll understand."
"Okay!"
"We're so sorry!"
"Eeyup," said the large red earth pony stallion.
All of the stallions started crying waterfalls of tears, hugging each other, and then returning to their wives. Queen Galaxia had seen to it that their wives would understand, but she also knew where the stallions would be sleeping for the next three months.
quen Galaxya "having' dealt with 'teh" -crazee- mail adolt ponees 'theen' heded, off, to Goldden Ok's librery too; meat. "Princesss Twilite sparkel"
Wait, thought Queen Galaxia, I sense a disturbance in the force.
Queen Galaxia, having dealt with the crazy stallions, headed off to Golden Oaks Library to meet Princess Twilight Sparkle.
That's better. I can't allow stories written about me have such atrocious mistakes in spelling, punctuation and grammar.
Once she arrived at the library, she headed in after being greeted by Twilight, and they discussed magic and science for half an hour. At the end of the discussion, Queen Galaxia conjured a thin book, but magically enchanted to actually have one million pages, entitled Master Mage's Mystical Magic Manual. After Twilight looked at the book and quickly went through a few pages, her jaw dropped in shock.
As if Queen Galaxia knew what Twilight was thinking, Galaxia said "Yes, Princess, this is all for you," and smiled. Queen Galaxia's face remained calm and serene in spite of the fact that a lavender alicorn princess was bouncing around her like a little filly, adding an occasional somersault to her jumps.
"YesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesYEEEEEEEEEEEEES!"
Ordinarily, Twilight would have collapsed from exhaustion without inhaling for so long, but some mysterious power allowed her to keep going. In the time to come, the book would allow Twilight to become more powerful than Princesses Celestia, Luna and Cadance combined, and she took over as sole ruler of Equestria one year later.
"I hope you like the gift Twilight, I have some business to attend to, goodbye," said Queen Galaxia, heading out the door. As she closed the door, she could hear more amazed affirmative alliteration from behind it.
She then visited Applejack and her family, magically fixed Granny Smith's hip, showed how apple yield could be improved 1337%, and praised Applebloom for her skills in construction work that she mysteriously knew about. Applebloom got a Cutie Mark with a saw over a wooden panel on both her flanks as a result. She spoke to Applejack in private about her big brother's behaviour earlier. After Queen Galaxia left, she could hear an argument. "Big Macintosh! I can't believe you'd go so crazy over somepony like her, even if she is the most beautiful, awesome, alicorn ever! You're sleeping in the barn for the next three months! Now get out there and plow those new fields!" yelled Applejack.
Big Macintosh, the finally named red earth pony stallion from earlier in this story, flushed a shade of red so deep that it was clearly noticeable, in spite of his naturally red face. "Eeyup..." Big Macintosh's ears folded downwards as he trudged off to do his extra work.
Next, Queen Galaxia paid a brief visit to Sugarcube Corner, showing Pinkie Pie numerous cake recipes too awesome to be described in mere words, principles of physics breaking, along with a guide to planning parties, entitled Planning Perfect Precious Parties. Once Queen Galaxia left, Pinkie Pie started gushing with praise, speaking at a rate of six-hundred words-per-minute for two-and-a-half minutes. The wall of text that would be necessary to show what she said has been omitted on the account of the death it would cause to all readers.
After that, Queen Galaxia went to Carousel Boutique, and discussed fashion with Rarity for an hour. After giving some advice on fashion that would result in Rarity putting all other fashion designers in Equestria out of business within three months (although said fashion designers would join up with Rarity), Sweetie Belle decided to sing for the Queen. Queen Galaxia was so impressed she complimented Sweetie Belle on her awesome singing, and Sweetie Belle found her flanks adorned by two musical notes each. After saying "Thank you!" a thousand times in a row, each thank you being punctuated by a kiss on Queen Galaxia's hoof, Rarity bade Queen Galaxia farewell. Then, she pulled up her fainting couch, and both Rarity and Sweetie Belle fainted on the couch in awe at what had just happened.
After leaving Carousel Boutique, Queen Galaxia heard an ear-splitting roar, and teleported to its source. She appeared just outside Fluttershy's cottage, and saw that not one, but ten Ursa Majors had come out of Everfree Forest, intent on going on a rampage throughout Equestria. Fluttershy's Stare didn't even faze these titanic, starry bears, so Queen Galaxia used her own. In an instant, the Ursa Majors were paralyzed with fear, shaking uncontrollably, with their ears folded back and tears welling up in their oversized eyes. "You should know better than to go around destroying defenceless creatures. Return to the Everfree Forest this instant! Be careful not to step on anything on the way," stated Queen Galaxia sternly. One-by-one, the Ursa Majors carefully stepped back into the forest, while miraculously not destroying anything on the way.
Three minutes later, Queen Galaxia had taught Fluttershy her own Supreme Serious Stare technique. Then, she taught Fluttershy advanced techniques for caring for animals, using terminology far too detailed for an audience of readers that are not veterinarian surgeons. From that time on, Fluttershy stopped being shy and timid, with her new staring technique being all she needed to stop even a Princess dead in their tracks with fright. She also became the leading vet in Equestria in one month. After bidding Fluttershy farewell, Queen Galaxia's keen eyes clearly noticed Rainbow Dash practicing aerial stunts in the sky, fifty miles away.
With a blinding flash, Rainbow Dash suddenly noticed a massive alicorn form eclipsing the Sun, facing her. "Hi Rainbow Dash, those are some nice moves. Want to see my best trick?"
"Do I? That would be SO AWESOME!" squealed Rainbow Dash, making a very familiar smiley face by squeezing her face with her hooves.
In an instant, Queen Galaxia shot straight up into the sky, leaving shimmering, shifting rainbow contrails in her wake. At the apex of her climb, she suddenly changed course to head downwards towards the ground at an angle of 45º. At the instant of her course change, not one, but four, circular, rainbow-coloured shockwaves appeared from where Queen Galaxia was. Each of them were inclined at an angle of 45º to two of the other shockwaves, such that there was one vertical shockwave, one horizontal shockwave, and two diagonal shockwaves. Queen Galaxia then kept making sudden, random course changes every few seconds, with a quadruple Sonic Rainboom occuring each time.
The sky was awash with shimmering, shifting, rainbow colours, as well as the numerous shockwaves. The extreme epileptic episodes and sonic shredding that would normally have been induced by such a display were magically negated by Queen Galaxia's pegasus magic. She couldn't have any spectators being endangered, after all.
Both Rainbow Dash, along with a young pegasus filly with an orange body and a purple mane, were utterly mesmerized by the display. The latter suddenly figured out how to fly, while the former crashed into the ground, after forgetting to fly; breaking every bone in her body in the process. Fortunately, Queen Galaxia healed Rainbow Dash, and complimented Scootaloo on the amazing breakdancing she was doing.
A figure of a pegasus, with forelegs outstretched to each side, and a ballet skirt appeared on Scootaloo's flanks. At long last, the rampage of the Cutie Mark Crusaders was at an end, and not too soon. Tomorrow, the CMC had planned to get their Cutie marks in firefighting, which would have resulted in the incineration of Ponyville and 95% of its population.
After Rainbow Dash got up, her jaw was stuck wide open, reaching all the way down to the ground. "Would you like to learn this trick?" asked Queen Galaxia.
"Would I? Showmeshowshowme!" squealed Rainbow Dash. Within 3 minutes, Rainbow Dash had also learned Queen Galaxia's Super Secret Special Sweet Serious Rainboom technique, along with how to use pegasus magic to stop spectators from dying of the sheer awesomeness.
"Remember, don't show it off too much, save it for special occasions," warned Queen Galaxia. Rainbow Dash wisely chose to wait until the next Young Flyers Competition at Cloudsdale. Suddenly, Twilight and the rest of her friends arrived for no apparent reason. "Why don't we go visit Canterlot Castle? I have some catching up to do there," said Queen Galaxia. Twilight and her friends agreed, and in a flash, they appeared just outside Canterlot. However, something was very wrong.
The entire city of Canterlot looked as if it had been ripped out of the ground, and it was swirling all over the place, with panicked unicorns and earth ponies hurtling towards the ground. "Discord!" exclaimed Twilight, pointing her hoof at an all-too-familiar draconequus.
"Q!" exclaimed Queen Galaxia. Twilight and her friends turned towards Queen Galaxia, with a confused look on their faces. "I've had enough of you wreaking chaos and havoc all over the place! It's time to put an end to your evil once and for all!"
Meanwhile, in another universe...
Missiles exploded violently all over the grass, sending burnt grass flying everywhere. Between the explosions, laser beams, and bullets, a blurry blue streak sped past, expertly weaving past all of the destruction.
"GETALOADOFGETALOADOFGETALOADOFTHIS!" yelled the pilot of a large machine, the source of all the destruction. Suddenly, from the machine, dubbed the 'Egg Dragoon Mark XX', two long metal panels extended. "See if you can make it through here, Sonic!" said the egg-shaped pilot.
"You just don't know when to quit, do you Eggman?" The blue blur slowed down, revealing an anthropomorphic blue hedgehog, with green eyes, red sneakers and white gloves. In a flash, he started jumping repeatedly between the extended metal panels, heading towards the cockpit of Dr. Eggman's latest invention. However, just before impact, a hand suddenly reached out from a hidden panel, grabbing Sonic in place.
"Gotcha!" exclaimed Dr. Eggman. "ALL SYSTEMS, FULL POWER!" Multiple laser cannons came out from hidden panels on the Egg Dragoon, and they pointed straight at Sonic's head. As they were starting to glow red, Sonic smirked, and then seven gemstones appeared, flying around him. "No, not the Chaos Emeralds!" However, as suddenly as they appeared, the Chaos Emeralds vanished.
"Huh? That's never happened before!" said a very confused and bewildered Sonic.
"MWAHAHAHAHA! I finally have you! Prepare to die, Sonic!"
Back in Equestria, at Canterlot, the Chaos Emeralds appeared magically, circling around Queen Galaxia.
"Well, my work here is done, time to go bother Jean-Luc!" said Discord, smiling gleefully.
"You're not going anywhere! Chaos... CONTROL!" said Queen Galaxia in response.
Suddenly, Canterlot stopped spinning, and was placed back gently down in the ground. Then, the tear in the earth from were Canterlot had been ripped from was magically fixed up by glowing, rainbow-coloured beams coming from the tip of Queen Galaxia's horn. All ponies of Canterlot were cheering for Queen Galaxia, having been saved from destruction yet again.
"You can't just CONTROL chaos!" Discord teleported right in front of Queen Galaxia.
"Problem?" she stated, grinning a wicked smile designed to incite rage. Having had enough of Q/Discord, she stared at him, and he was instantly turned back to stone. "I'll deal with him later," said Queen Galaxia, as she suddenly teleported away with the Chaos Emeralds.
Meanwhile, at least 370 red dots appeared all over Sonic's body, as the lasers finished fully charging. Eggman had waited so long for this moment. He would not be satisfied by anything less than 370 high-powered laser beams destroying Sonic and at least half of the surrounding landscape. Sonic struggled to break free, but to no avail. "It's no use, give up!" said Eggman, as he fired all lasers at Sonic.
Precisely 0.00000000000000000001 seconds after they fired, a glowing, rainbow-coloured force-field appeared around Sonic, blocking all 370 laser beams. "What? No way, I can't believe this!" the bewildered mad scientist shouted. Suddenly, with a blinding flash of light, Sonic was on the ground, beside Queen Galaxia.
"I had to borrow these for a few seconds, Sonic, some evil god of chaos was on the loose, I knew I could make it here before Eggman would win though."
"No problem!" The Chaos Emeralds started flying around Sonic again, as he turned yellow and went all Super Saiyan on Eggman's latest creation. After the machine exploded, showering the surrounding landscape with metal, burnt laser cannons, and an assortment of other gadgets that are too complicated to describe, Eggman appeared in front of Queen Galaxia.
"What? How did I get here?"
"Your evil has gone on for too long, Eggman, I am banishing you to a dungeon in another universe. You will be punished for your crimes, and imprisoned for the rest of your life." said Queen Galaxia. Before Dr. Eggman could respond, he vanished in a flash of light.
"Cool! That's one less bad guy I have to deal with, thanks a lot!" said Sonic, having transformed back into his regular self, as cool and blue as the world he's on.
"No problem, Sonic! If you'll excuse me, I have to go, bye!" said Queen Galaxia. She teleported back to Equestria.
"Now that Discord's been dealt with, let's go to Canterlot Castle, I'll take us straight to the royal throne room!" said Queen Galaxia, gleefully."
Princess Celestia sat on her royal throne, with her younger sister, Princess Luna, to her right-hoof side. Four royal guards, with stoic, unmoving faces, flanked them.
Suddenly, Queen Galaxia appeared together with Twilight and her friends. While the guards wrote this off as yet another strange day, and continued standing still like statues, the Royal Sisters' eyes suddenly widened to the size of dinner plates, their pupils taking up 95% of the area of the eyes. Princesses Celestia and Luna also broke out into wide grins.
"Mommy!" they yelled, glomping Queen Galaxia, one Princess per foreleg. "We've missed you so much!"
"My little ponies!" said Queen Galaxia, nuzzling and kissing the Princesses affectionately. Suddenly, the Princesses laid down on their backs.
"We missed your belly rubs as well, please give us one now!" squeed the ecstatic Princesses.
"Coochy-coochy-coo! Coochy-coochy-coo!" said Queen Galaxia, as she tickled the royal stomachs with her forehooves, causing the Princesses to wildly flail their hooves in the air in glee, while they laughed uncontrollably.
Everypony else, including the normally stoic guards, immediately fell on the floor, laughing their heads off, pounding the floor with their hooves; crying so many tears of laughter that the royal throne room started to flood. "Now, now," said Queen Galaxia, "My little ponies, there's no need to laugh, or to share this with anyone outside this room." Suddenly, as if by magic, all of the ponies went back to normal, solemnly vowing never to speak to anypony outside the throne room about this.
"Wait, I sense something is very wrong here." Queen Galaxia teleported her daughters, along with Twilight and her friends, on to the roof of Canterlot Castle. A massive, black orb had appeared in the sky, easily the size of a planet. Suddenly, it started changing shape. Arms, legs, and a head came out of it, as it changed to form a gigantic humanoid robot. "This is bad, I'll need the Elements of Harmony." With a flash of light, the Elements of Harmony appeared, floating in front of Queen Galaxia. "These won't be enough, I'll need to make a new one." In another flash of light, a new tiara, like the Element of Magic, appeared, except it was inset with a pink Valentine-shaped heart instead of a red starburst. The existing Element of Magic was transformed into a necklace.
The robot spoke: "I AM UNICRON! I AM HERE TO DEVOUR THIS PLANET AND ITS ESSENCE!"
"One Element to rule them all, one Element to find them, one Element to bring them all and in the light bind them." stated Queen Galaxia, as she put the new Element of Love on her head, leaving her crown on the rooftop. She then put on all six necklaces that were hovering in front of her, and blasted Unicron with a dazzling light show of rainbow colours and blinding white light. Discord was also hit, reformed entirely and freed from his stone prison, where he headed back to another universe as Q to apologise to Jean-Luc Picard over a cup of hot Earl Grey tea.
"I SEE THE ERRORS OF MY WAYS NOW, I WILL LEAVE EVERYONE IN PEACE. I'M SO SORRY!" said Unicron, copious amounts of oil leaking from his eyes, as he left.
Princess Cadance and Shining Armour suddenly appeared in front of Queen Galaxia, the latter having sensed the most overpowering love she had ever experienced in her life. "Wow! A new element, for me?"
"Yes," said Queen Galaxia, as she gave the new Element of Harmony to Cadance, while replacing her own crown. She then took off the necklaces, and transformed them all into tiaras. "Everypony here has done so much for Equestria, that I think it's time for a change!" Suddenly, everypony that was not an alicorn went up into the air, and in a blinding flash of light, they transformed into alicorns, and each of the element bearers had their upgraded elements levitated on to their heads by Queen Galaxia.
"Woooooooooooooooooooooow!" everypony not named 'Queen Galaxia' said. Queen Galaxia then teleported everyone back into the royal throne room, and used her magic to make the world Equestria was on to start orbiting around the Sun, along with making the moon orbit the world once per day. "My daughters, you will no longer need to strain yourselves with raising and lowering the sun and moon!"
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" yelled the Princesses in glee.
"Fluttershy, come with me to the dungeon, there's someone I'd like you to meet." said Queen Galaxia.
In Canterlot Castle's dungeon, a terrified mad scientist heard talking. He recognised the voice of the oversized horse that had helped his archnemesis, Sonic, defeat him, telling someone else about all his misdeeds, including stuffing cute little animals into murder machines to use against Sonic. "THAT. BIG. DUMB. MEANIE!", yelled Fluttershy, using the Royal Canterlot Voice for the first time. After being subjected to an epic scolding and death glaring far too horrifying to describe, Eggman was persuaded to use his gifts for helping animals for the rest of his life. He also stopped hating Sonic after being lectured on love and kindness by the new, improved, Fluttershy, while being kept in the dungeon.
Finally, Queen Galaxia showed off her special talent, by lowering the Sun, while giving telescopes to everypony as they headed out to the balcony, where dozens of new galaxies appeared in the distant night sky. "Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!" Everypony else's jaws hit the floor, and then Queen Galaxia put the Sun back where it was. After bidding everyone goodbye, she headed to the outskirts of Ponyville and drifted off to sleep.
And they all lived happily ever after...?
Meanwhile, in a hiding spot near the outskirts of Ponyville...
"This is by far the worst case yet."
"Indeed, her Mary Sue-ness is contagious. Contact HQ, tell them to initiate Plan Omega!"
"Are you crazy?"
"Just do it."
"Fine...", said one of the bipedal, dark robots, with glowing red eyes, who spontaneously combusted.
"Great, her Sueness is blowing us up now, and she's not even awake." said the surviving robot. "Time to get back to HQ, it just does not get any worse than this." Precisely 0.000000031415 seconds later, the survivor violently exploded, for absolutely no reason whatsoever; showering the area with flaming, metallic debris.
Author's note: This has to be by far the most painful thing I have ever written. Never again.
Author's Note
This is a comedy showing how not to write powerful characters (alicorns in this case). This was extremely painful to write. At the end, I switch over to The Psychopath's Mary Sue-minators, who will have to face their greatest Mary Sue-minating challenge yet.
The Sue-minator's Greatest Challenge
~Author: The Psychopath~
*boom*
“How many does that make?” a terminator with a red stripe across the left shoulder asked.
“Uhhh...Three hundred and fifty-fourth,” a terminator holding a billboard answered.
Outside of the scanning room, terminators with their heads blown were being brushed out. Others, amongst many, actually melted. Other preferred to hang themselves...even though...robots can’t really kill themselves that way. They still succeeded. The red-striped terminator rubbed its chin pensively for a moment.
“I’ll go see what’s so terrible about this one.”
“Sir, don’t! It’s too dangerous!” the billboard terminator shouted.
“When you’ve seen the crap I’ve seen, you don’t blow up. You just get nightmares with a creepy burnt guy for three weeks.”
“How is that working for you?”
“Eh. He makes a nice punching bag.”
“...”
The striped terminator entered the scanning room and, once at the proper console, pressed some buttons to acquire the actual information relating to the newly discovered mary-sue. The others waited outside the room, hoping that it wouldn’t be that bad. The next few minutes had the striped terminator coming up battered and brittle. It collapsed, only to be caught by its comrades.
“S-sir?”
“The Mary-Sue, IT BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNS!”
“What’s so bad about it?”
“That...thing surpasses every single character in that world, and then some! She supposedly destroyed the Borg from the Star Trek universe, then brought Chaos Emeralds from the world of Sonic the Hedgehog.”
There was a moment of silence. Some found themselves collapsing into singularities so much the character was terrible. The terminators already knew what needed to be done. The announcement was made, and several thousands of terminators already armed themselves with laser rifles, beam cannons, and mini-nuke launchers.
“Time to get shit done,” a terminator shouted to its comrades before they all entered the portal to reach the mary-sue’s world.
In the scanning room, however, the scanner terminators suddenly received an incoming dispatch from dead scouts. The message demanded to initiate “Plan Omega”.
“Haha. That’s the LAST plan we should employ,” said one.
The other just stared at it with contempt and fury.
“What?”
The sound of struck metal rung throughout the complex after the starer slapped the one who made that terrible pun.
As Queen Galaxia slept on the outskirts of Ponyville, a gentle breeze swept through the air. The alicorn barely noticed as she had created her own little atmosphere to remain warm and comfortable on her spot. However, what followed wasn’t weather’s doing, but a missile. The warhead blasted her out of her spot and into the air with a smoking appearance, only to get grabbed by a gigantic metallic biped and thrown powerfully into the ground, creating a small crater before she was kicked out of it and created an impact point much farther away.
Getting up with a dizzy head, Galaxia spotted several more explosives being thrown at her. This time, she wasn’t having any of that. She turned the missiles into clouds and teleported the metallic beings towards her, where they lost their weapons.
“What you have done is wrong. You shouldn’t attack ponies when they are sleeping. It’s inappropriate and very rude.”
The queen expected these beings to understand their wrong-doings and immediately cease all further activity. She was wrong. They were immune to her powers, although two did spontaneously combust. The remaining machines activated some sort of self-destruct device within them, which created an immense vortex of green radiation which charred and burnt the queen. Before she could stand up again, she took an immense HE round to the face. The mare found herself projected even further, but she was expecting this. Using her immense wings, which made some of the terminators short-circuit when they saw them and collapse to the ground, she flew at extreme speeds into the sky, then immediately dove back down and created four sonic rainbooms.
She planned on slamming into the middle of the whole lot of metallic beings. Unfortunately for her, these beings had enough experience against this sort of attack, that two gigantic mary-sueminators came out of nowhere and joined their punches against her. The ensuing impact obliterated any of the individual trees remaining around the flat plains, but it was enough for the other terminators to join in and start firing their munitions against the mare.
“So, how’s the fight going?” a terminator asked.
“Look for yourself.”
The answering terminator moved aside to show its comrade what was happening on the screen. It was still in the scanning room, but the events were happening on a console placed on the third ledge starting from the entrance.
“Wow. This is an ultra-sue.”
“A what?”
“Oh yeah. That’s true. You’re new to all this. An ultra-sue is a mary-sue that is super powered and uses things from other dimensions that it shouldn’t. Hell, they even brag about GOING into other dimensions and destroying undestroyable beings, like this one bragging about eliminating the Borg in the Star Trek universe.”
“Well, there IS a universe where that legitly happened.”
“I know. It’s one of the ‘possibility’ universes.”
“Yeahhhhh. Sometimes, they make people rage.”
“Oh. Hey look. They’re getting smashed.”
“Quick! Find some young teens with attitude!”
The standing terminator just stared at his partner with a thoughtful stare.
“Haven’t heard that one before. Just summon one of the titans.”
The land lay scorched and burnt as the mary-sue fought with all her vigor, even going so far as to become a super saiyan. The terminators were also used to this sort of action and drained her of this energy with suction darts before firing immense plasma cannons at her. The resulting explosions took away half of the nearby mountains with immense flashes of light, followed by the raining debris.
Observing the field of battle, the terminators at their HQ determined the perfect point of insertion of the TIan MX-23. A red dot came from the skies, darkening a massive portion of it as the terminators and the mary-sue continued to fight. Then it happened, a humongous being fell through, and with the size and weight it possessed, slammed onto the ground with a terrifying force, cracking it and creating a powerful earthquake. It had a squarish upper body, but the lower was rather well armored for a bipedal being, judging by the thickness of the armor.
Its arms were equally enormous, with the hands resembling gigantic maces more than anything. The mary-sue looked upwards to stare at this fifty meter colossus. It simply stared back down on the horrid abomination and threw its right fist forward. The strike was enough to blow open immense cracks within the crust as it struck Galaxia’s shield. The downdraft of air blew away many terminators and humongous portions of the ground upon the surroundings. Another blow destroyed the shield, throwing magical sparks everywhere and created a crack through the planet’s crust, bringing magma up to the surface.
Galaxia flew out of the ground and remained in the air as the Tlan slowly turned around. Using her powers, the alicorn lifted an immense portion of the molten rock by performing bizarre martial techniques. The lava was then projected into the giant, who did not react to the puny attempts at harming it. Instead, it continued to walk towards the mary-sue, its intentions clear despite it having no real head. The normal terminators all got back up and began to surround the mary-sue. The immense size of the Tlan was enough to bring even the planet to its knees, let alone a whole army of the terminators.
Struggling to get back to her feet, the terminators erected a ring around her, upon which a yellow-clad terminator climbed and yelled:
“You don’t mess with the hulkster!” and body slammed her.
It even went and clutched the alicorn, broke her legs, then pummeled her and threw her against the ring’s energy tethers to bounce her back and then arm slam into her. The yellow terminator then grabbed the alicorn by the hair and tossed her high into the air, where the Tlan moved its arms to clap once. The alicorn was right in the middle. Needless to say, the shockwave was so powerful that it tore what was left of the ground asunder. Clouds parted and mountains were destroyed. Eardrums were destroyed and bugs had a sudden evolution to resist wind.
The author just stared at his computer screen for a while before getting scooped up into a bag and placed on a hook. A dandy looking terminator with a tenacious, manly mustache and cheerio haircut came about and had at the rustling bag. Forsooth. The bag did take a walloping of which the world had never seen.
The bag then fell to the floor, to which a terminator grabbed another and was about to slam it onto the bag when Galaxia appeared in front of the terminators, urging them to stop.
Queen Galaxia Breaks the Fourth Wall and Tells Everyone What Is Wrong With Mary Sues
~Author: JDC~
In a flash of blinding light, JDC is brought out of the bag, fully healed, while the terminators wonder how the Sue they destroyed came back.
"Let me explain, this fanfiction about me was written with my Mary Sue-ness exaggerated to truly ridiculous levels on purpose, " explained Queen Galaxia. "The whole point is to highlight how annoying and unrealistic such characters are, while taking it to such absurd levels in an intent to create a comedy that is so bad that it is good.
"For starters, I appear out of nowhere, with a grand name and title, and very importantly, no explanation given as to why I am there. Not only that, but in the first sentence alone, there is a start of a description that already puts me on a higher level than Princess Celestia in MLP:FIM. If that wasn't bad enough, a run-on paragraph that has more than twice the sentences a paragraph ever should is used to describe me, with a ludicrous amount of detail that puts me far beyond any other character. Not only that, but the accessories I wear get overdone to the point of insanity. I mean, who wears SEVEN rings on their horn? At least I didn't take on a red and black appearance, or have flowers grow wherever I walked.
"Moving on to another trait that is sadly common in Mary Sue characters, other characters behave most unrealistically around them, often worshipping the very ground they walk on, in spite of the fact that the Mary Sue is a complete stranger. There is certainly no realistic reason for ponies to stare at a character, even a beautiful Mary Sue like me. The whole part with pegasi dropping out of the sky due to distraction was just the icing on the cake as far as this style of bad writing is concerned.
"Then, I'm suddenly all worried, with no description about my nature, only my looks. The way I react doesn't seem at all realistic. If I found pegasi falling to their deaths around me, 'Oh dear!' would be a massive understatement, even if I can fix it effortlessly. Not only that, but even my horn's aura gets a description that puts me even further into Mary Sue-ness.
"Next, they all behave as if I'm God's gift to ponies, which is unrealistic, even if I resurrected them. There is no way they would suddenly just love a stranger more than Princess Celestia of all ponies like that, it's so horribly unrealistic it would make many authors cry. Although the humility I show can be realistic, it gets used to persuade other ponies in a horribly exaggerated way, which would never really happen.
"Furthermore, I end up starting to remove the flaws of other characters unrealistically, which doesn't make any sense, and makes them BORING. A lot of the fun in MLP:FIM is based on characters having flaws and the tension which it creates. Mary Sues tend to be so 'perfect' that this tension and fun is removed from the equation. I even end up getting used to turn the Mane Six into Mary Sues along the way, just to highlight how bonkers the whole thing is, and for a laugh.
"Next up, even though Pinkie Pie is hyper, she still acts unrealistically around me, suddenly treating me as the best thing ever, and throwing an INSTANT party out of nowhere, instead of realistically planning one, inviting guests etc. Even Pinkie Pie has to obey the laws of reality from time-to-time, otherwise it just reads very badly. Not only that, but adjectives keep getting overused to describe me, before I speak my name, 'awesome' being the most egregious example.
"Not only that, but random ponies, and the rest of the Mane Six, just happen to be drawn in by awesomeness for the sake of the plot, rather than realistic reasons for them to be there. The amount of stuff that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever would be utterly maddening by this point, except if the fanfiction was purposefully written badly that is.
"Even the humour injected into the story is used to exaggerate what is wrong with me, as if I'm the star and the only important character, and the rest are just along for the ride and do nothing more than bask in awesomeness, which is another key flaw with Mary Sues. Merely mentioning a Gary Stu called 'Wesley Crusher', for example, would induce a lot of rage, given the way that he is made more competent than the entire main cast in an alternate universe my author had me mess with! Even his own actor hates him.
"Next, I meet the Mane Six, and they are described in several words only, rather than the absurdly long paragraph used to describe me, as if I was far more important than they ever could be, which just makes the Sue-ness all the more jarring. This even gets purposefully exaggerated by the Mane Six thinking that I'm all that's important, in THEIR opinion. It's just such sloppy, awful writing that would reduce many readers to tears, if it wasn't being exaggerated as a comical lesson.
"Not only that, but I end up mentioning how I CASUALLY eliminated a major threat in the 'Star Trek' universe by freeing the people trapped in the Borg Collective (and effectively destroying it), one of the biggest threats to the Federation in that universe. It's made even worse by being mentioned as if it was just a casual, effortless task; instead of a monumentally difficult task (for those who aren't Q-level in power). At least the author went with 'show, don't tell', by not making it explicit that the Borg Collective was being referred to. For the Star Trek fans among you, a Borg Cube has a volume of 28km³; taking the cube root gets you around 3.0365889718756625194208095785057 km a side. Even doing this mentally would be unrealistic, unless there was an explanation for me being able to do so; the figure given was calculated by my author using Windows Calculator, who likes to add insane precision as a joke.
"Next up, my attractiveness is dialed up to even more ludicrous levels, where all the stallions fall in love with me as if I had cast a Want-It Need-It spell on myself. Although the mares had somewhat realistic reactions to the unrealistic reactions of the stallions, the stallions end up going for an all out elimination deathmatch to see who would get me, with absurdly ridiculous consequences. The author also highlights the insanity of being inconsistent with descriptions of characters by mentioning that an earth pony stallion is too much of a background character to be worth describing. Not only that, but the story was written to have me go as far as breaking the fourth wall to avoid explicit sexual content, even though it is not explicit that I am the one doing the scene change.
"To make things even worse, but the author invokes railroading into the plot, putting characters where they want to be; rather than thinking of how characters might realistically end up there, and this isn't the first time it has happened. I was put into Sugarcube Corner just so that I could not see the violence, which I would naturally stop quickly with my morals and Mary-Sueness. Instead, the author let the situation degenerate so that I could pick up on things going wrong, and then use even more stupid Mary Sue-ness out of nowhere to repair all the damage instantaneously, then scold the stallions (with unbelievably unrealistic overreactions), and magically persuade their wives to accept them back while putting them on the couch for three months each. The only thing realistic about the violence is that Big Mac would indeed have the strength to Falcon Punch, or Falcon Hoof, anypony else into oblivion. This is why he was the last stallion standing, unless of course a unicorn was smart enough to use magic to his advantage.
"As if the Sueness was not nearly bad enough already, the author then purposefully writes a sentence where nearly every possible error in spelling, punctuation, and grammar is made, and then has me break the fourth wall to fix the mistakes. Not even Pinkie Pie gets to go to such ridiculous extremes.
"Next up, the author has me meet each of the Mane Six individually, where I end up outshining them at their own special talents, grant them some Mary Sue-ness out of nowhere with no valid explanation, along with using Mary Sue-ness just to make things more ludicrous, and ridiculously short time-scales for a lot of them. Not only that, but a lot of references are thrown in out of nowhere just to make the whole thing even more ridiculous. The author goes even further by having me magically know what to say to the Cutie Mark Crusaders to get them their Cutie Marks so that they can disband and stop being a menace.
"I could go into detail about how messed up each of the six scenes are, but they have a lot in common. I just happen to know a lot more things about everything, eclipsing the Mane Six in their special talents so dramatically I make them more Mary Sue-like along the way. I'd like to mention the absurdity of the Ursa Major scene alone, even one would be pretty crazy, but where would there be room for TEN of them? Then, the author almost admits how stupid the writing is by railroading the Mane Six into meeting me 'for no apparent reason', just to further the plot.
"Instead of teleporting straight outside the castle, or even contacting the Princesses before doing so, I instead get railroaded into a plot where I have to take down a villain. The author deliberately uses the fact that Q and Discord have the same voice actor, and are very alike, to make them the same characer in this fanfiction. Not only that, but the author makes things worse by going for an unrealistic, even for me, method of defeating DisQord. Simply teleporting DisQord to my location, holding him in place, and then going all Elements of Harmony on him would be FAR more realistic than the absurd crossover which ensued, just for a cheesy 'Chaos Control' reference to trump DisQord.
"You might notice that the author actually makes things realistic, when it cuts to Sonic battling Dr. Eggman; the characters behave normally when I'm not around, even though the author deliberately has Dr. Eggman repeat clichéd dialogue from Sonic games. Once I'm around, however, they fall apart into behaving unrealistically awed and wowed by me. I just take the Chaos Emeralds that Sonic needs to wipe out Dr. Eggman's mecha, then I use them to cheesily trump DisQord. Next, I make a painful trollface reference, and then go into Sonic's universe where I magically arrive, just in the nick of time to save the day (on purpose, of course). To add to the silliness, I then shine, not one, but multiple beams across the cracks around Canterlot after saving it from Discord and putting it back in, just to show off more Sue-ness.
"Sonic, naturally, has no problem with being a hair's breadth away from being annihilated by Dr. Eggman, thanks to me, because I'm written as a know-it-all Mary Sue who is to awesome not to adore. Obviously, Sonic would actually be outraged at what had happened, even if it did mean Dr. Eggman's defeat. Things get even worse, as I steal the limelight from Sonic in his own universe by capturing Dr. Eggman and removing him permanently, something Sonic never did.
"Next up, the railroading plot continues as I simply take everyone with me directly into the throne room, instead of doing the normal thing like walking in and announcing my identity, or telepathically telling my daughters that I'm coming. Not only that, but this would have been the ideal time to deal with DisQord, who had now been transformed into a stone statue. Instead, with sloppy writing, my author left it until later for DisQord to be dealt with. Once again, you will notice the characters behaving normally until I arrive. At least the guards are trained not to be taken in by a Mary Sue's awesomeness when I appear; however, the Princesses are a different story.
"In spite of being in the presence of four of their guards and the Mane Six, they start behaving like very young children, hugging me in affection, while I return it. To make things worse, they start acting like babies when they ask for a belly rub, and I give them one with truly cringe-worthy mothering in front of everypony, that at least had predictable results (making everypony else laugh their heads off).
"Next up, in keeping with the perfectly flawless (and unrealistic) nature of my character, I put a stop to the laughing. Then, I simply bring along everypony with me, as they've been roped into being nothing more than tag-along characters, to face a powerful villain who appeared out of nowhere for absolutely no reason, which is unbelievably awful writing.
"I then take the set of artifacts that forms a central theme of MLP:FIM, and create a new, more powerful one out of nowhere, while making an absurd Lord Of the Rings reference along the way. I then effortlessly purify the currently petrified DisQord, sending him back to make up with Captain Jean-Luc Picard using his favourite tea. Not only that, but Unicron just becomes unrealistically repentant, just like that, and even starts crying the robotic equivalent of tears, despite being a planet-destroying god.
"Next, the new Element of Love is used as an excuse to rope Princess Cadance and Shining Armour into this 'Katamari Damacy'-like mess, where Princess Cadance is naturally the one suited to using the new element, and then EVERYPONY is made into an alicorn, having their Mary Sue-ness ramped up to 9001, and a blow struck for gender equality with the first male alicorn (in my author's opinion, Shining Armour deserves it more than any other stallion). After more pathetic wowing, I then casually take away Princess Celestia's and Luna's duties for controlling the Sun and moon, by invoking a more natural method simply by making celestial bodies move and rotate at the right speed.
"Next, the author decides to 'redeem' Dr. Eggman, while invoking alicorn Flutterrage with a cheesy reference to the two-parter episode with Discord, not to mention a very unrealistic explanation for his hatred for Sonic being eliminated. As the coup-de-grâce, my special talent is shown off by having me create entire galaxies, which takes the Mary Sue-ness to a whole new ridiculous extreme, not to mention it should make people wonder why I even bothered dealing with DisQord and Unicron the way I did. If I had such powers of creation, I wouldn't even need to bother with Chaos Emeralds or Elements of Harmony, I could merely will them into submission.
"As the last part of this story, my author intended to have you sent in to take me on, beat me, go as far as being seconds away from killing my author, and then for me to come back to life and save the day, even though you were allowed to destroy me. For that purpose, I was railroaded into sleeping out in the open, for no reason, instead of something more realistic like spending time with my daughters. Magically, Sue-minator scouts just happened to be nearby so that you guys could take over. Of course, my author couldn't resist using my Sue-ness to blow them sky-high.
"Regarding the title of the fanfiction and its first chapter, they are also absurdly overblown, using excessive alliteration to describe me, and even making spelling mistakes such as 'awesomest', a word that does not even exist, to make it look like it was written by an utterly clueless writer. Also, some people may have a problem with my author using United Kingdom English instead of American English for spelling.
"If I was to be a remotely realistic character, for starters, I would need to have an origin story. It would take something like one billion years, if not a lot more, to even be able to create galaxies like that, as well as knowing so much that I outshine everyone else. Furthermore, the rings on my horn would need to be cut back to one, maximum, and the jewels elsewhere would likely also need to be toned down. That's just the bare minimum.
"I would also need to have flaws as I'm not an all-powerful, perfect being, something that can be used by enemies against me. The flaws may even be me not being prepared to permanently kill someone if that is what it takes to stop evil. At the very least, I should have some interesting personality quirks thrown in, rather than being a bland, holy, perfect goody-four-shoes that threatens to destroy the fabric of reality by contradicting it. The enemies that I face would need to be realistically challenging not just to me, but to everyone with me; with everyone able to play a supporting role, instead of me unrealistically (hedge)hogging the limelight while everyone else just watches.
"Alicorn OCs can work, but you need to consider how the existing ones in canon work, the Sun and Moon duo have both been alive for over one thousand years, it only stands to reason that at least Princess Celestia is insanely powerful as a result, and even she is not invincible. It should also be pointed out that alicorns are extremely rare for a reason, becoming one is something that must be earned, not just a starting point for a new character. There has to be some good explanation for the alicorn OC to have become an alicorn in the first place."
"Finally, I promise you I will NOT be used in fics, except as an example of horrifically bad story-writing, designed to make people laugh at the absurdly over-the-top nature of what I do, rather than simply awful writing that make people cry tears of sorrow. The author did not create that story as a pathetic self-insert, but for the right reasons, and it was extremely painful for the author to do so."
The terminator realises that he made a mistake here. "Oh, sorry, we thought you were one of those Sues written by a moron who would do nothing but make eyes bleed, computers explode, and cause World War 3 due to their stupidity."
"I'm afraid you will all have to be punished for what you have done, " said Queen Galaxia. In a flash, the damage to Equestria, and the world it is on, was repaired, as if nothing had happened after the Sue-minators struck. All of the terminators that were involved suddenly appeared back in their HQ, fully repaired, with Queen Galaxia in front of them. They no longer spontaneously combusted, exploded, imploded, collapsed into a singularity, or anything else because they knew the Mary Sue was set up to be an example of bad writing on purpose.
"I've decided to bring you all back to life, as you made a terrible mistake. In return, however, you are all going to have to make sure you don't go after Mary Sues that are purposefully written as such as an example of how not to write stories. I think you owe my author and me an apology."
"Sorry, our bad," the magically guilt-tripped terminators said in unison, crying tears of oil.
"Apology accepted, " Queen Galaxia disappeared in a flash of white light, and ended the guilt trip.
"Let's get back to busting REAL Sues and suethors!"
"YEAH!"
Suddenly, ten separate alarms started wailing.
"Sir! We've got another Sue that's popped that up, this one is even worse than Soluna and Gaia combined!"
Five terminators exploded, while another five spontaneously combusted, melting into a black goo.
"This is bad, we haven't even seen this Sue, and already she's killing us!"
"Could things possibly get any worse?"
Ten more terminators imploded, while another ten fell over, writhing in pain, screaming "IT BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRNS!"
The sound of a metallic body being thrown through a screen, followed by the sound of a mini-nuke going off rocked the HQ.
"The next one of you who tempts fate will be sent in against the Sue alone!"
To be continued...?
Author's Note
This time, my Alicorn OC removes the fourth wall entirely and explains entirely what is wrong with the way she's written, and what would be required for her to be that powerful while maintaining realism. Also, it leaves a possible sequel for the Sue-minators to keep hunting down Mary Sues open.
