Chapters Barnyard Bargains: A Documentary
Where did my life go?
(There is a certain way that this story is written, considering it is indeed a real documentary
Italics are known as talking head interviews, where the character can express their opinions.
These interviews serves as breaks in the actual story, and is in no way meant to disrupt your reading experience.)
"What is Rich's Barnyard Bargains you may ask?"
"Is it an idea...or is it something else?"
Filthy Rich stared at the camera, a smug smile plastered on his face.
"My name is Filthy Rich, owner of Rich's Barnyard Bargains where everypony is equal and no pony gets more than they deserve. Some of you may recognize us in Canterlot, Fillydelphia, Vanhoover, or even Ponyville. I wouldn't put it past you if you even saw us in Tartarus AHAHAHAHA"
The earth pony started to guffaw like a hyena, slamming the table with his hooves. After what seemed like a long...dreadful minute, he managed to straighten out his brown mane, taking in a deep breath.
"But in all honesty we don't do deals there. Rich's Barnyard Bargains is about family...and when you've got family...that's when you got a pony you can trust. So whether it's gifts, food, or just a little something for yourself, don't shop poor. Shop Rich. Filthy Rich!"
He pauses for a second. "I ought to add that in our new slogan."
Pilot: Day 1
"Here goes nothing," Flam sighed. The imposing brown building before him was remarkable to say the least.
Designed to resemble a giant brown barn, Rich's Barnyard Bargains was a goliath in a pool of small shops. Two stories high, and supposedly made with timber from the Everfree Forest, Filthy spared no expense in making his store look absolutely intimidating to the competition.
Stepping through the plexiglass doors, he could see mares and fillies running down the canyons that they called isles. Shelves that seemed to stretch for miles each had an immense moneybag dangling on tweed wires, with the numbers made to look like prices with their fancy cent sign and curved features. On the ceiling was an impressive hot air balloon made to resemble zap apple jam, the product that started this company.
Towards the front, the right was composed of a long row of rather ornate metal cashier boxes. Although the cashiers who were running them were either invisible or non-existent. On the left was a collection of various carts, plows, rafts, and even gliders.
Flam nervously tucked at his collar, despite having worn this black suit on multiple occasions. Every now and then, his eyes shifted to the camera that was constantly watching him. Initially he had wanted to say something, but the pony behind the camera seemed to insist that they too were here on some sort of business, although what he could not be sure of.
With a heavy sigh, he slowly made his way towards the end of the middle isle, where a tiny brown door had been left ajar.
Flam walked steadily, but with grace, his rather slender figure snaking past the occasional customer who was checking the price of a rake vs. a shovel. Among regular barnyard tools were packaged vegetables, gears, sports equipment, and everything the pony mind could imagine.
It was a plethora of everything!
At last, he came to the oak wood door that stood as his gateway between income and poverty. Without even taking a second glance back, he pushed through the wooden blockade.
If the store had been an impressive site to see, the office would have probably made most ponies gag. There was a tiny, moth eaten sofa next to a rather flimsy water cooler. At the far end, the beige colored room expanded, filled with various bulletins and charts as well as a few motivational posters here and there. Even farther ahead were two glass offices. One currently had the shutters down while the other was exposed, revealing a tiny wooden table with a couple of swivel chairs.
In the main room-if it could even be called one-were eight desks arranged in squares of four. Most of the desks were barren, but a few here and there were furnished with typewriters, ink wells, quills, wilted plants, and even a few brightly colored picture frames.
And on top of that it was silent...dead silent.
Flam didn't know if he was even in the Barnyard Bargains, although he highly doubted such a rudimentary door would serve its purpose to just...well...be there. For a moment, he simply took a deep breath, allowing the silence to soothe him.
"What's up?" a feminine voice pepped up. Flam nearly jumped back, his eyes wide in fear. The mare before him had a plum covered coat and a mulberry colored mane, which seemed to be rather bushy as well. Her cutie mark was oddly enough a grape and strawberry, and it was about as vague as the expression she was giving him at the moment.
"You are?"
"Flam," the beige coated stallion finally blurted, "I'm here for the...errr...job?"
"Oh," the mare giggled, holding out her hoof for the nervous red maned colt to shake. "Name's Berry Punch."
"Flam," he replied once more, causing the mare to start guffawing again. Her laugh seemed to be more of a cross between a rhino, a hippo, and a wolf with an angry chipmunk somewhere in the mix.
"Won't forget your name," Berry Punch promised, before moving towards one of the "occupied" desks. "In fact...weren't you and that other guy...what's his name..."
"Flim?" Flam offered.
"Yeah," Berry Punch grinned, "your brother right? Traveling salesponies nonpareil? Whatever happened to him?"
Interview: Barnyard Bargains
"After we left Ponyville," Flam began, his green eyes locked with the camera, "Me and my brother began to lose out on business. Apparently, pissing an Element of Harmony off in front of an entire town kinda does that to a salespony. So we filed for bankruptcy. I sold the machine...our...means of locomotion...."
Flam takes a moment to stop, wiping his eyes with a handkerchief from his suit pocket. "And I...well...I told Flim that I didn't want to do this anymore. And here I am!"
Interview: Gecko Insurance
"I took it personally," Flim recalled, now sitting in a grey cubicle, his white shirt and black tire hanging loosely as he scratched a stubby red beard. "I mean...he told me at dinner, even helped me get to Canterlot too. I found a job here in a fine establishment, making a living like any other pony. And it isn't like I'm switching careers? I'm still a salespony! I sell insurance now...Gecko Insurance."
Flim pauses for a second, before reaching down and taking out a tiny white form. "Which by the way, I strongly recommend purchasing. 15 minutes now can save you 15% on cart insurance. Would be really great in case you ever dropped that camera."
After an awkward moment of silence, Flim decides to drop his spiel for more information on his backstory. "But anyway, I'm here now. Doing what I can. I'm even making some friends!"
A bit earlier at Gecko Insurance.
"Hey hot stuff," Flim's eyes were glued to a red mare's flank, his other hoof holding a tiny mug of coffee. As for the mare in question, she simply scoffed before trotting away, leaving the stallion once more to his own thoughts.
Interview: Gecko Insurance
Flim seemed to ponder on this, a scowl slowly forming over his face. "Alright so I may have wooed more mares when I was a traveling salespony...especially when I got them drunk."
The stallion starts to grin as he pictures the scene in his mind. "Yeah...that usually got them. And then I installed that stupid record player in the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000."
Interview: Barnyard Bargains
Flam was still wiping his own tears. Finally, he managed to look up at the camera. "I know I'm asking for a lot, but when you get the chance...can you visit my brother in Canterlot? Works for Gecko Insurance?"
"Sure," a gentle voice spoke out.
Flam nodded appreciatively. "Thanks...and then tell the owner at the scrapyard that I found a pony who calculated our machine's value. If you find that particular pegasus, tell him that he's a ***** ****hole!"
"Hey buddy," Berry Punch was waving at Flam, who was now in some trance. "Buddy you awake?"
When Flam finally managed to shake himself back to reality, he began looking over the entire room like he had been here before. "Oh sorry, Berry. But ummm...we are no longer in the cider business. And my brother now works in Canterlot!"
"Oh good for him!" Berry Punch nodded. "Well anyhow, if you want to see the boss, Sparks is in the office. Probably writing another letter to corporate."
"Great." Flam's voice sounded dull, but at least he smiled. "Well I guess I'll go see him then..."
Berry Punch tilted her head as if he had just blabbered gibberish. Once again examining his outfit, Flam determined it was not his own fashion choice that had somehow upset the mare.
"Ummmm...what?"
"Oh nothing," Berry excused herself with a chuckle, before winking at the camera. "Yeah...ummm Sparks is a pretty tough stallion though. If you want to impress him, you gotta look like you just came from a fight!"
Flam raised a brow, clearly confused as to what the mare was saying. "You're kidding right? A fight? I can't even begin-"
"Do you want the job?" Berry Punch interjected, her face serious.
"Ye-yes?" Flam stammered.
"Then just do it!" Berry Punch sighed, "It'll show him you're super tough and all."
"Okay," Flam shrugged, "But I'm just saying that I've never met a-"
"Believe me," Berry Punch leaned over her desk. "You've never seen a pony like Sparks."
Interview: Barnyard Bargains
"My name's Berry Punch," the purple colored mare chirped, squirming in her seat. "I've been working in Rich's Barnyard Bargains for a good 2 years now. Veteran employee if you don't know. Wasn't even raised here either. Born in Manehattan, and boy will I tell ya' we do things a whole lot differently over there. Here, the town sees me drinking alcohol and all of a sudden...I'm the town drunk!"
She holds her hooves out, her eyes wide in disbelief. "Tells you how ponies are in small rural towns. Pretty lame."
Berry Punch stares off in the distance. "Flam ought to be getting 'dressed now', poor fool."
"May I ask," the mysterious voice of the camera pony breaks out again, "was this intentional?"
Berry Punch chuckled. "That sourcream pie? Of course it was! This fool nearly tried to poison this town with that wretched liquid they call cider and now he thinks he can take my job? Not a chance, kiddo."
"How do I look?" Flam's nice suit had been exchange for a rather tattered shirt that showed a minotaur tackling a sea serpent. His mane was now in disarray, his hooves covered in dirt and his mustache caked with mud.
Berry Punch almost wanted to gag, but held it back, exchanging her look of horror to a pleasant smile. "You look great honey."
"Better get going then?" Flam trudged towards the right-most office, several clumps of mud sticking to the grey carpet as a reeking odor penetrated Berry Punch's nostrils. But the mare had spent enough nights at the tavern to have her nostrils immune to all sorts of peculiar scents.
Flam, on the other hoof, marched with a dignified air, despite the mud that clumped on his mustache. As the brown oak door-the only non-glass apparel he saw- grew ever so slightly, the unicorn couldn't help but imagine what he was going to do with this job. At last, he wouldn't be relying on commission alone. He would have to pay tax, and probably find a place to live eventually, but that could be discussed with his agent later.
"Destiny," Flam beamed at himself, "HERE I COME!"
And with that the doors flung open, revealing a pink coated unicorn mare and with a violet mane and tail. Currently she was using her horn to lift a quill, which she prompy dropped as her purple eyes widened in terror.
"SWEET CELESTIA," she shrieked, "WHO LET THE VAGRANT IN AGAIN?"
Barnyard Bargains: A Documentary
Flam was speechless. It wasn't a feeling he was used to, nor was it one he had ever really come to know in his line of work. The unicorn before him was frozen, seemingly unsure of what to do. She wanted to reach down to the tiny red panic button on her desk, but her hoof was hesitant.
Somehow, despite the rather disheveled appearance, the stallion didn't look insane. Although she had heard about stallions who looked perfectly normal and were still insane.
"...Who let you in here?" The unicorn asked in a measured tone.
"I-I..." Flam stammered, unable to answer. He was still traumatized, his entire life shattering before his very eyes.
"Can you speak?" The unicorn asked flatly, her eyes unamused.
"Yes," Flam finally stated, "As a matter of fact I can speak. Flam's my name, and sales are my game!"
"It was as if he had just kicked a puppy in the room as the unicorn's eyes narrowed to slits. "You're joking right?"
"Nope," Flam tried to sound upbeat, despite the fact that he looked like he had been living in the Everfree Forest for ten years.
"You may refer to me as Ms. Star," the mare replied in a cool, measured tone. "Amethyst Star and the manager of this little establishment."
Interview: Barnyard Bargains
"So my name is Amethyst Star," the pink unicorn chirped eagerly, "or you can call me Sparkler. Most of my friends do, some kind of nickname-"
Her face twists into a grin as she lets out a snort of laughter. "-but not entirely accurate in my opinion. I'm the manager here at Barnyard Bargains: Ponyville. Been in this job for well over a year now. And let me tell you, I'm happy to see Rich finally let you guys film a documentary here..."
Her smile turns into a frown, her eyes regarding the camerapony with a cynical expression. "...even though I don't see the profit in making a reality segment about superstore employers."
"Well Ms.-" Flam happily took a seat.
"Don't, please just don't sit down," Sparkler interjected, motioning to his rather filthy rump. Despite the amount of pressure, panic, embarrassment, and dread that permeated from the former salespony, Flam was performing admirably. He still smiled and his teeth were spotless.
"You see," Sparkler reached over to pick up the quill with her hoof, "when I want to see a pony come in for an interview...I don't expect to see Hobo Joe leaving mud clumps over all this nice carpet."
"Well you see..." Flam began before his voice trailed off. After all, what could he say? That the best traveling salespony had been duped by a simpleton? No, it would degrade his reputation to cinders. At that point, he was only showing his weakness as a consumer. He needed to play the part of the shark, albeit a very dirty...mismanaged shark.
"I see...what?" Sparkler's eyes lazily glanced at the clock over Flam's frazzled red hair. She wanted to keep track of how long she could tolerate this.
"...I was fighting a bear see," Flam soon felt himself elaborating the entire story in his mind. "And I was attacked on my way here-"
"A bear?" Sparkler chuckled. "You were out in the Everfree before you came here? Didn't think to wash up by Fluttershy's cottage or even get medical attention?"
"Well..." Flam was starting to perspire. "I-I didn't want to miss out...on such an opportunity..."
Sparkler was silent, observing the stallion with that same soporific expression that made him feel like everything he said had no meaning. It was as if his story was about as interesting as the dull oak surface of her desk, or the fact that the majority of the desks and doors in this building were made out of oak.
"Actually," Flam gave a small sigh, "I was...well...robbed see. A bunch of ruffians, ambushed me on my way here. Left me penniless on the road."
"You didn't think about going to the police?" Sparkler raised a brow.
"I-I was scared..." Flam admitted, "I...thought they were a pair of diamond dogs. You know...jewel thieves."
Sparkler's eyes widened. "Jewel thieves in Ponyville? Oh no..."
Her eyes furtively glanced at the three brilliant cut diamonds on her flank. "Oh what were they like?"
"Terrible," Flam described, his voice filled with contempt. "Twelve hoof high, with claws as sharp as dinner knives. Their fur was rotting in all sorts of places, and their breath literally wilted flowers!"
"Oh how brave of you," Sparkler gasped, "surely that filly was thankful no doubt that you were there to rescue her."
"Oh," Flam chuckled, "I only do my best to ensure safety in the community ma'am. You might even say I'm after Mare Do Well's job!"
"I thought you were ambushed?" Sparkler inquired sarcastically. "You're saying this wasn't the case?"
Flam was once again stupefied into an awkward silence.
"Well I-I-I," he stammered.
"Flam, cut the flimflam and talk business," Sparkler bluntly stated, her eyes narrowing to slits. "Did you really think I'd forget a face like yours?"
The salespony was now backing towards the door, the sweat now leaving tiny droplets on the nice felt carpet. "I-I have one of those faces you know?"
"No I wouldn't forget a face like yours," Sparkler continued, "how could anypony here forget the world famous Flim Flam brothers? Traveling salesponies nonpareil? The very same brothers who came in their shiny locomotive?"
"Well I-" Flam was slowly growing red.
"And who also tried to seize control of Sweet Apple Acres, which happens to be the home of the Element of Honesty?"
"Now I wouldn't-" Flam tried to defened before being cut off.
"And," Sparkler smiled, "how do I put it bluntly? The very same brothers who tried to poison me with that hogwash they called cider?"
"Alright!" Flam held his hooves out, not wanting to hear any more. "Alright. I will admit that we did have a little mishap in the past, but I will not stand here, listening to my cider being patronized as some revolting liquid to chug down your pitiful throat. Our cider met the demands of quantity without losing quality! And even if our precious means of locomotion now stands in a land fill outside of Ponyville, I will not let its legacy be tarnished from some two-cent manager at a backyard store!"
For a moment, the two just stood there, eyeing each other like old hens bickering over a nest. Only the steady ticking of the clock overhead echoed throughout the room. Sparkler seemed unfazed by the sudden outburst. In fact, she seemed to be bored, as if Flam was the one lecturing her on etiquette.
After what seemed like a good few minutes, the stallion stood up. "You know what, I don't even need this job. I could find plenty of other opportunities out there-"
"You're hired."
The way she had said it was so monotone that Flam had to lean in closer to hear it again. "Excuse me?"
Sparkler gave a tender smile. "You're hired."
Flam was once again speechless, unable to fathom whether this unicorn was crazy or just insane. "But after I-"
"Let's just say, "Sparkler interrupted, "that I've dealt with my fair share of jerks and braggarts to last a lifetime. But if I've learned anything, it's that you got to give them a second chance."
Flam's eyes widened to saucers, his body growing rigid as his heart seemed to throb in his chest. He couldn't believe it. He looked around him, taking in every detail like it was his own old locomotive. "I-I-"
Sparkler had to giggle at the stallions behavior. "Now don't-OAAAAF"
Flam lifted the mare off her hooves, locking her in a bear hug. His grip wasn't that strong, but it was enough to squeeze the air out of her lungs.
"OH THANK YOU THANK YOU! You've made a smart decision today mare! And one that you'll be tenfold in!"
"Okay okay," Sparkler chuckled lightly, "but can you please...hrghhh...let me go?"
Flam carefully set his new boss back down on her grey swivel chair, a gigantic smile still spreading from cheek to cheek. He now had a job, with an income and everything.
"Before you get all giddy however," Sparkler announced, "we need to set some grounds here."
"Alright," Flam nodded.
"First," Sparkler levitated the quill, dipping it in the inkwell. "You'll be paid minimum wage, that will already be deduced with a 10% tax reduction. The rest of your payment comes from commission. 5% of all products you sell goes back to you."
"Seems fair," Flam agreed.
"Second," the quill was moving down the parchment like a chipmunk at acorn season. And this was her third page. "You make sales from 8 am to 5 pm, unless we have an emergency..."
"Wouldn't have had it any other way," Flam grinned.
"Finally," Sparkler locked eyes with the lanky salespony. "I like my coffee with lots of cream, no sugar. And remember, you're not just selling cider anymore."
"Do we have a deal?" Flam raised his hoof.
Sparkler pulled out a tall stack of papers, before dropping it with a resounding thump. "Sign the paperwork and we have a deal..."
Berry Punch was leaning on the water cooler, sipping at the disposable paper cups that the company restocked on Fridays. Flam had been in the office for a considerable amount of time, causing the mare to grow bored as time went on.
At last, however, the door swung open and Flam was trotting out...with a smile on his face! Berry Punch had to pinch herself, but none the less put on a smile and walked up to the beaming stallion.
"How'd you do?" Berry Punch asked...a hint of apprehension in her tone.
"Let's just say I look forward to working with you," Flam smiled, a snide...almost malicious smile. It was the kind of smile you gave a co-worker when you knew you had an advantage on them.
But the two simply continued to stare each other down with their fake grins and their upbeat personalities. Sparkler, who now had her saddlebags strapped over, was observing the whole scene, her body halfway out the door.
Interview: Barnyard Bargains
"Am I looking forward to working with Berry Punch?" Flam repeated the question facetiously. "Let's just say that I've been making a list of all the ponies who have crossed me and my brother."
His horn began to glow green as he lifted a tiny sheet of binder paper. "Number one on the list. That pegasus from the junkyard. And as for number two...Berry Punch."
"Out of curiosity Sparkler," Berry Punch finally turned to face her boss. "Why did you hire Flam?"
Sparkler simply raised a brow, as if Berry Punch had just asked one of the dumbest questions one could possibly ask two minutes before closing time.
"Let's see," Sparkler began sarcastically, "his reputation shows he's an excellent salespony. He's got several years of experience in the field, and despite his unkempt appearance, he can talk. I can clean a pony up with a bath, but I can't teach a pony to sell me a bath."
With that, the mare indicated for the camerapony to follow her outside. "We're going to need to discuss this whole documentary thing..."
Sparkler vanished around the door, leaving the two salesponies alone... in an office filled with lethal staplers and scissors.
"Well I suppose we're on the same field," Berry Punch chuckled.
"Yep," Flam nodded, "quite right there, Ms. Punch."
"Mhmmm," Berry Punch moved towards the water cooler, plucking one of the cheap disposable water cups from the trash before thrusting it against the blue lever. A steady stream of clear water began to pour into the cylinder, while Berry Punch merely continued to focus on Flam.
"A little tradition I've come up with," she pulled the cup back, handing it to Flam. "Drink the cup from thy trash and be welcomed to thy kingdom."
Flam regarded the cup distastefully, trying to push it back. But Berry Punch wasn't taking "no" for an answer. She shoved the cup back to him playfully.
"I suppose...it's only fair," Flam lifted the cup to his mouth, the grey liquid flowing down his throat.
"We're going to be great friends Flam," Berry Punch smiled, throwing her hoof over the unicorn's disheveled coat. Flam tossed the empty cup back into the trash, wrapping his hoof around Berry Punch's own back.
"Oh we certainly will."
Interview: Barnyard Bargains
"Why did I hire Flam?" Sparkler pondered on this thought for a minute or two. "Well Twilight is always teaching us about love and tolerance right?"
The unicorn lets out a light guffaw before her smile flattened down to her regular...tired expression. "Sure I could have rejected Flam's offer. Taken his interview personally and simply tossed him back into the streets. He did after all nearly poison me and countless others with that so-called magical cider."
At that moment, Sparkler gives a mischievous smile, her eyes locking with the camera. "There's a saying: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Fire Flam, and he finds work with my rival. Hire Flam, and relish in the profits he will bring to the table. Sure I'd have settled for the full package, but I got 50%, or 80% if Flam was telling the truth. The way I see it, my decision wasn't personal...it was just business. And when you have the enemy under your hoof, oh will it that be the perfect form of revenge."
She then slowly hold her hoof out, "So Flam...I certainly look forward to working with you!"
Barnyard Bargains: A Documentary
It was another beautiful day in Ponyville. The sun was shining in all its glory, dazzling the flowers with its yellow glow. The birds were chirping another merry tune. Life was going by as it had always gone by. Ponyville shines. Another day is perfect. And everything is going to be just-
“Doomed,” Flam stood outside the doors of Barnyard Bargains, his mustache groomed and wafted at the ends. It was still rather early, and already his confidence had been reduced to a mere smidgen of what it was before.
He made a furtive glance to the camerapony at his right, who had not spoken a word since their unanticipated ambush from the bushes.
Flam was dressed in his striped shirt, his hat and tie having been sold a long time ago with the rest of his belongings. Taking a deep breath, the unicorn stepped in.
Interview: Outside Barnyard Bargains
“Am I nervous?” Flam repeated the question, an awkward smile plastered on his face. “Of course I’m not nervous! I’ve been hired silly! I got the job...”
A sudden look of dread takes over. “At least…for now I have a jo-job.”
“Flam, Berry,” Sparkler read out the names, “as you all know, Barnyard Bargains has closed down another branch.”
The two salesponies let their jaws fall to the floor. “Again?”
“Yes,” Sparkler repeated, an irritable look on her face. “The one in Canterlot. Now Filthy hasn’t laid out the details, but we might close down another branch by the end of this month.”
“Well it isn’t going to be us?” Berry Punch spoke out, her tone sounding like she was stating a fact.
“Not entirely,” Sparkler corrected, “no branch is excluded. The only thing we can rely on is sales.”
“But we’re what started this whole company!” Berry shouted, her voice on the verge of hysteria. “Filthy Rich would never close down-“
“Now Berry,” Sparkler narrowed her eyes, “you know just as well as I do that times have been tough for us. I’ve had to fire five ponies in the last month or so and I’ve only hired one salespony."
All eyes turned to regard Flam as if he was somehow responsible for the company’s downfall. The gangly stallion merely winced at Berry Punch's reprimanding irises, seeking shelter behind his desk.
Sparkler continued with her lecture, pulling down a list of products with various deals tied to them. Next to these products was a chart, the arrow a narrow stream zigzagging its way downhill.
“These are the sales for the month. Right now, we’re having a sale on brooms. Hayckler and Kosh brooms are going for a 2 for 1 sale. You all know what that means right?”
Berry rolled her eyes, puffing her mane as she studied one of the motivational posters across the office. Flam was sweating like a pig, twiddling his hooves.
“Flam?” Sparkler called out her newest employee. “You understand today’s deal right?”
“Brooms, 2 for 1,” Flam repeated, “got it!”
“Alrighty then,” Sparkler pulled back at the list, which flicked back into the ceiling. “We open in two minutes, get those uniforms on and start selling.”
After a quick salute, both cider-loving equines headed towards the closet at the far end. Inside, there were several racks of cotton tweed dresses and regular overalls.
As Sparkler had so well stated in her meeting, customers responded better to a pony in traditional attire. Although Flam-who had traveled around the country-had never seen anypony dressed in such a ridiculous getup.
After donning his own set of blue overalls and a straw hat, he was about to head towards the door when he heard a grunt.
“Flam,” Berry Punch cried out, her tone sounding a bit constrained, “can you like…help me in this?”
“Why certainly…” Flam froze, his hoof trying to cover his mouth. But it was a vain attempt at courtesy.
“BWAHAHAHAHA!” Flam fell to the floor in a fit of giggles. Berry Punch was trying to squeeze her body through a thin green dress, her mane tied in pigtails.
“Real mature dimwit,” Berry Punch sighed. Whether they were Manehattan dockworkers or Ponyville salesponies, stallions were jerks.
As it turned out, Barnyard Bargains wasn’t as understaffed as Flam had anticipated. One worker ran the cashier line, which was guarded by a local rent-a-cop.
The morning was fairly busy, most of the shoppers running down the isles to snatch a few trinkets and depart the store without so much as squeaking a goodbye.
But it was business, and Flam didn’t mind the fact that nopony was all too concerned with the sale. After all, who needed a broom at this time of day? As if to broadcast the company's desperation, there was a giant piece of canvas hanging over the front that read.
SUPER SALE!
HK Brooms and Broomhandles 2 FOR 1!
Get your broom on today!
It was corny, but it was a message nonetheless. Flam was content with his spot in isle 5, leaning on a stack of sheets while he watched customers frolic to and fro about the store, content with their various purchases.
His eyelids began to grow heavy, the side-effects of going on a drinking binge the night before. He decided that a nap would do him some good. After all, the mattress in his home might as well have been a pile of plywood.
Interview: Barnyard Bargains
“Well with a job,” Flam began, “I’ve been able to rent out a space up in the tavern and I’ve already begun utilizing my benefits. Water! Errr...drinking! Heater! Ummm...laundry! And umm...did I mention drinking?”
The next thing he saw was the inquisitive pig-tails of his accomplice in crime. With a gasp and a jolt, Flam was back on his hooves, only inches away from Berry Punch’s flaring nostrils.
“Were you seriously sleeping?”
“Well I-“
“Flam,” Berry Punch sounded like she was reprimanding a teenager. “If you don’t make a sale, you don’t get commission. Corporate is paying us a lousy amount for base pay anyhow. If I were you, I’d get to selling some brooms. I already made two sales!”
This was enough to elicit a scowl from Flam. If a mare could beat him in sales, then what’s next? Before he could be stopped, the stallion had already taken off around the corner.
Interview: Barnyard Bargains.
“So I lied about making the sale,” Berry Punch admitted, although her tone was anything but apologetic. “and I really don’t care. It’s not fair that I have to stand up there in this getup while Mr. Easyhooves takes naptime. We need to sell brooms, and besides…I do much better selling dustpans.”
Sparkler was currently gazing at the scroll before her. It was yet another report from corporate, giving the updates on how they were doing. Apparently, Canterlot’s most popular were demanding the headquarters of Barnyard Bargains to be shut down for its demoralizing attire and hillbilly goods.
Even if they followed through and Canterlot was closed down, the sad news was that there would still need to be one branch left to take the fall. Canterlot was a major source of income, and with its passing, the company would need to drop yet another store to stay afloat.
Secretly, Sparkler prayed Filthy wouldn’t abandon his hometown, but she knew her own words were true. Only sales would save them from being forced off the plank of an already sinking ship.
Interview: Barnyard Bargains
“Am I scared about this news?” Sparkler repeated. “No way! Well….maybe a little.”
Silence.
“Okay maybe a lot,” Sparkler admitted, “but the problem is that Equestria is evolving. We can’t stay afloat with a name like Barnyard Bargains! With the emergence of the Crystal Empire, most ponies want to look ahead to a glittering future. Our name sounds like we do work for hillbillies and cowcolts!”
Target spotted, Flam snickered from around the corner. He was finally going to land himself a sale on brooms. The consumer in question was an old brown stallion, his green top hat having seen better days as the scraggly grey beard hung onto his bloated chin.
Walking at a brisk, but respectable pace, the beige colored unicorn confronted the stallion with a bright smile, his hooves pointing at a stack of rather unremarkable wooden brooms.
“I see you heard of our sale, good sir,” Flam replied in his singsong voice.
The old colt chuckled. “Yeah, Ah' ‘eard it alright. But Ah’m just browsin’ young colt. So if ya’ll excuse me-“
I can’t lose this sale! Flam thought desperately, shoving his own body in front of the customer’s path. “Are you sure you don’t want a broom?”
“Quite sure,” the old horse replied irritably, “Ah’ve already got one at home. Ah' was just going to browse by yer garden department so if ya’ll excuse-“
“But sir,” Flam gestured to the fine wood polish. “These are some of the most exceptional brooms this side of Equestria! Look at that wooden finish!”
For a moment, the two of them stared at the broom handle with about as much curiosity as a filly watching a snail slowly make its way across the sandbox. The stallion grunted dismissively, proceeding with his steady trot before Flam once again blocked his path.
“Now what’s this about!?” The stallion croaked, “Ah’m a gardener for seed’s sake! Ain’t got no need for another broom, ain’t got no need for a second broom. Besides, everypony knows that Broomger brands are just over-hyped hogwash!”
“But look at those fine brushes,” Flam pointed out. “Made with real hay! None of that fake stuff from the East I can assure you. And since you’re a gardener, you use brooms like bakers use eggs. Eventually, you’re going to beat ‘em to death and they become trash!!”
“Ah' don’t use brooms to plant begonias!” the stallion bellowed. “Who ever told ya' that is a fool!”
“What if I told you,” Flam said in a rather solemn, serious tone, “that all the brooms currently owned by Ponyville gardeners were flimsy, and would break after only a few more uses?”
“Ah’d call ya' a liar,” the stallion stated with a humph. “Mah' broom has lasted me the better part of ten years thank yer' very much!”
“All the more likely you’ll end up in an accident,” Flam whispered.
It was as if he had pulled a knife on the stallion, whose eyes widened. “Yer’ kiddin’ right?”
“Nope,” Flam assured, “a broom in use for five years or more could be suffering from…broomitis”
“Broom-itis?” the earth pony repeated, “what in the hay is that?”
“I’m glad you brought that up,” Flam smiled, “Broomitis is a serious affliction where the broom is placed under so much pressure that eventually…it blows up!”
“What?” The stallion's eyes widened.
“Believe me,” Flam nodded. “Broomitis is not something to joke about. We could be dealing with some serious consequences if you used your old broom right now. And judging by your looks sir, you’re not the kind of colt who can be taken by surprise.”
“Darn right Ah' am,” the gardener agreed, “but how can Ah' be sure that-even with this deal-those brooms won’t get broomitis as well?”
“And that’s where you’re wrong!” Flam proclaimed, “These brooms, for the sale of 2 for 1, are not just exceptional brooms, but durable brooms! Brooms that will easily outlast ten years and still act as good as new! Broomger brands are known for being immune to broomitis! On top of that, you will always have two brooms instead of one. Sir, I’m saving not just your bits, but your life!”
“Well…” the gardener’s eyes flicked from the rack of brooms to Flam’s bright shiny teeth. It was as if he was going through some inner debate on whether or not to believe the salespony’s pitch.
Meanwhile, Flam was crossing his own hooves, praying that his spiel would bestow upon him a 5% commission he could use to buy back the boombox his brother had installed in the Super Cider Squeezy 6000.
“Ya' got yer’self a deal,” the stallion held his hoof out for Flam to shake. The salespony jubilantly obliged, allowing the gardener to search through his saddlebags to fine the appropriate amount.
“I’ll just ring this up for you at the counter sir,” Flam gestured to the front. “You take yourself two brooms and tell your friends that the World-Famous Flam from Sales sent you here!”
“Will do!” The stallion waved back, two brooms already strapped onto his flank. “Thanks partner!”
“Anytime!” Flam waved back.
Interview: Barnyard Bargains
Flam is practically beaming at the camera, his hoof tossing the bag of bits in the air. "Boombox! Here comes Flammy!”
“Paying for the old stallion,” Flam held the bag of bits with his magic. The cashier merely regarded the salespony with a sigh, before taking the bag in her own hooves, spilling the contents over the counter.
“Let’s see…” she began to count off the bits. Flam was practically giddy with himself. His first day and he was already selling brooms like a champ. Pretty soon, he’d be CEO of this company and then-“
“Excuse me sir,” Shoeshine nudged the dreaming stallion. “Where’s the rest of it?”
Flam tilted his head in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“The bits,” she said in an exasperated tone, “there’s only enough here to cover one of the brooms.”
“But it’s a 2 for 1 deal!” Flam replied incredulously, “Don’t tell me Sparky was lying?”
The mare facehoofed herself, muttering something about newbies and stupidity. “The 2 for 1 deal is for Hayckler and Kosh brooms. Broomger is another line of brooms entirely.”
“How do you know it was a Broomger?” Flam asked anxiously.
“HK brooms are made with plastic,” Shoeshine stated flatly. “And you better pay up or get your friend to return those brooms.”
Discord might as well have brought a chocolate tsunami on Flam’s livelihood. The stallion was just frozen, unable to move. The only thing that was moving was his eyes, which were expanding to the size of saucers.
Interview: Barnyard Bargains
“Broomger?” Sparkler repeated. “Broomger makes genuine, antique brooms. Usually they’re made with mahogany or cherry wood. The hay itself is artificially made in Saddle Arabia. But nopony ever buys it. It’s too expensive and rather flimsy too. We occasionally get deals in Canterlot for showponies who need a prop, but really, those things are as fragile as tissue paper.”
Sparkler dips her quill in ink once more as she continues to write another report. However, as if the realization hit her, she turned back up.
"You said Flam sold two of them?”
Mr. Greenhooves was happily trotting down the street to his cozy cottage. He would be picking up some supplies, getting rid of his old broom, and placing his new brooms to the test. He hadn’t had two brooms in years, but that salespony said these would be the last two brooms he’d ever need.
“Why,” Greenhooves smiled, “it even sounds like he’s right behind me!”
The statement took a second to sink in as Greenhooves froze, arching his head to spot the very same salespony dashing down the street to catch up to him.
“Wait!” Flam yelled, braking right in front of the bewildered customer. “Sir I need those brooms back!”
“What?” Greenhooves was taken aback. “Ah' thought ya' just sold ‘em to me!”
“Yes,” Flam’s horn glowed green as he held out the bag of bits. “But I need those brooms back pronto! There’s been a terrible mistake.”
“But you said I could have them for the price of one?”
“Correction,” Flam panted, “you need to buy both brooms to keep them! It’s the plastic Hayckler and Kosh that’s on sale now!”
“HK?” Greenhooves shook his head. “HK is even worse then Broomger! Ah' own an HK for crying out loud!”
“I’m sorry to disappoint you,” Flam grappled onto one of the broom handles, “but I apologize and if you’d like, I can have you keep one broom if you let me keep the bits.”
“NO!” Greenhooves latched onto the other side of the fine mahogany. “Ah' listened to your little spiel, flipper-snapper. And this broom is MINE!”
“NO!” Flam growled, “it’s not! Just give it to me and-“
“Hogwash,” Greenhooves howled, “Ah' ain’t givin’ nothin' to some two bit salespony who can’t tell two brooms apart!”
Several ponies had stopped in their tracks to view the scuffle. Two stallions, one very old and one very tall, were in a match of tug-of-war with a broom. Immediately, ponies had dropped whatever bags or baskets they had brought with them, congregating to the scene of the fight.
“Give me the broom!” Flam cried out.
“NO!” Greenhooves yanked back. “IT’S MINE!”
“It was never yours to keep!” Flam retorted, “you only paid for one broom!”
Greenhooves gave another pull back, nearly dragging the salescolt with him. But Flam sunk his teeth into the wood, gripping on with exceptional ferocity. He wasn’t going to let this wooden stick be the end of his career.
“You promised me it was free!” Green hooves tugged harder. “If it isn’t then you ought to pay for it!”
“Come on you old nag!” Flam sneered, eliciting several gasps from the onlookers. “I’m not going to let some old hermit be the end of the world famous Flam!”
The wood was starting to break, tiny chunks flying out in all directions as the seller and buyer continued in their relentless struggle.
“I…hrghh…am not….hrghh…going…hrghh…to return it!” Greenhoves could feel his own hooves grow weak.
“YES…hrghh…YOU…hrghh…ARE!” Flam could feel the broom give way, and only continued to pull harder.
SNAP!
The crowd gasped as the two opponents flew off in opposite directions, the broom soaring high into the air. Greenhooves' landing was cushioned by a group of mares, the old colt only suffering a minor scratch. Flam, on the other hoof, collided with a carrot wagon, sending wood, string, and orange chunks into the air.
But despite his harsh collision, the stallion was relatively uninjured. No, the true crime was the broom itself, which now rested in the grass, the handle split into two jagged edges.
“Some broom,” Greenhooves grumbled, tossing his other wooden appliance to the disoriented colt while he picked up his bag of bits.
Meanwhile, a certain yellow-coated mare had her hooves over her head, crying out hysterically. “MY CARROTS! MY CARRRRAAAAAOOOOOOOOTTTSSS!!!”
Interview: Ponyville Square
Flam's straw hat was now bent at and odd angle, his overalls covered with dirt and bright orange chunks of freshly cut carrot. "So I might lose my job today."
Reaching into his overalls, he produced a bright orange carrot. "But hey, free food right?"
Two hours later.
If Flam had thought he’d seen Sparkler in a bad mood, then he was clearly mistaken. The mare was livid. She was no longer constrained to her desk, her hooves moving back and forth as she stared down her latest employee with a seething glare.
But what was the point? He had blown it again, and was probably going to be out of a job before he even got started. If only his ego didn’t dwarf his brain!
“I give you one job FLAM! ONE JOB! And now I have a customer complaint? And on top of that a smashed carrot cart?”
“Well you see,” Flam began before the unicorn cut him off.
“Also,” Sparkler chided, “you broke a broom, so good on you for that. It’s yours now. Consider it a thank you. I took the liberty of deducting it from your paycheck.”
“Wait,” Flam held his hoof out, “You’re not firing me?”
"Firing you?” Sparkler repeated quizzically. “Flam, a good manager doesn’t just fire on the spot for screwing up. Despite what may have happened, you still sold a broom I frankly didn’t believe could be sold, and that’s enough reason to keep you on board.”
Flam breathed a sigh of relief, no longer bothered at the outcome. “I have to say-“
“But let this happen again,” Sparkler held her hoof out, “and I swear--!”
Without as much as a goodbye, the colt dashed out of the office, leaving the oak door sliding on its hinges. Sparkler merely watched him go, before settling down on her own chair with a smug smile.
Interview: Barnyard Bargains
"What does a leader want from her subordinates?" Sparkler asked thoughtfully, "is it to be loved? Or is it to be feared? Well...in all honesty...for me at least...I just want one day where nothing bad happens."
She stares at the camera for a considerable amount of time. "I mean really? Is it so hard to ask?"
Interview: Flam residence/b]
"I don't...really know what to say. I mean I guess what I should say is that I'm fortunate." Flam smiled, pulling out a letter. "My dear brother wrote this. Says he's coming to town. I may not be able to forgive him for what he did...but..."
His frown suddenly morphed into a mischievous smile. "I think it's time we got into the Broom Business!"
