Buck vs Wild

by TrollBiscuit

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 1090

Buck Grylls shows you how to survive in the wild!

Buck Grylls, survival expert. Ex S.M.S (Special Magic Services) he teaches all the ponies at home how to survive in teh most inhospitable environments.

This is…… Buck vs. Wild
(dun dun, dun, dun dun, dun dun.)

Rated teen for some MILD gore and crude comedy

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-04 15:14:02 UTC

Appleloosa Desert

A brown unicorn stepped out behind a large boulder, wearing a light grey short sleeved tunic with numerous survival provisions.

"Hello!" the unicorn yelled. "I'm Buck Grylls, and today, I'm gonna show you what do do if you're stranded out here in the Appleloosa desert! Let's get moving!"

Buck Grylls set off into the wilderness, camera crew behind him.

"Alright." Buck continued. "The first thing you want to do is find your bearings. It is vital to survival that you establish a sense of direction before attempting any kind of escape effort." he looked around the dry, harsh outback view changing only because of a cactus or two.

"Hmmm. Looks like there isn't any elevated surface areas we can establish a bearing on. Not to worry!" Buck looked into the deep blue sky, noting the direction the sun was rising.

"The sun ALWAYS rises in the east, so." Buck drew a quick compass in the dirt. "If the sun is rising to the east, that must be north!" he pointed towards a large cactus field. "Let's get moving!"

The team approached the cactus field, with Buck taking the lead.

"Now, you may have heard about cactus storing water in these deserts, and that's true." he explained. "Only a year ago, a group of traders were stuck out here. When their water ran out, they resorted to drinking from the cacti, which saved their lives." The team edged their way through the field.

"Now you gotta' make sure that they're actually cacti. Some crazy ponies like to dress up as cacti and scare their friends. Here is a great example." Buck walked over to an especially suspicious cactus with a blond tail.

"How's it going Derpy?"

Derpy threw off her costume, an annoyed expression on her face.

"Not good! Nobody comes out here! It's just me and muffin." she lifted a muffin in front of her face, then gobbled it down. "Now it's only me." she said, sadly.

"Oookay." Buck slowly started to trot off. "Let's keep moving?"

"Jackpot!" Buck galloped over to where a mound of dirt was arranged oddly. "Here is where we find dinner." he licked his lips and smashed the top of the mound off. A surprised snake, dazed by the attack, attempted to slither away, but was caught by Buck.

"Now, ponies don't usually eat meat." he explained. "But in a survival situation, anything that can be eaten, should be eaten."

He stomped on the snakes head, stopping its movement. dismembering the head, he began to gobble down the snake.

"Needs salt." he suggested, scoffing the last of the snake.

"Now I need something to wash it down!" he announced, taking out his water bottle. "Blast! No more water." he shook the last few drops onto his tongue. "Better improvise." he turned away from the camera, and turned back, the container filled with a yellow liquid.

"I really don't need to drink." he confessed. "But it's certainly gonna' gross out anypony who's watching!" He raised the bottle to his lips and began to drink. Soon, the bottle was empty, and Buck stored it for later.

"Let's keep moving!"

"It's getting late." Buck pointed to the rapidly darkening sky. "We need to make a shelter and fast." He galloped over to a small collection of trees surrounding an oasis.

"This is a rare oasis. The body of water is full of prime gems, which is why so many ponies venture out here end up lost, and perish." He looked around and magically levitated a net up to the camera.

"Jackpot! I can used this net for a hammock!" he magically gathered other materials from the area, and laid them out in front of him. He began to magically build a hammock between two of the oasis trees.

"Now, to ward off predators, we will construct a fire." Buck's horn glowed, and a collection of sticks burst into flames. "Now, I'm assuming some of you can't do that. Not to worry! I'll show you all how to make a fire without magic!"

He gathered another collection of sticks and drew his knife and flint from his bag.

"Just strike the knife and flint together and the sparks should light the sticks up!" Sure enough, the sticks burst into flames.

"Now that that's out of the way, it's time to sleep." he levitated himself up to his hammock, and fell asleep.

"Alright, we gotta keep moving." Buck beckoned. "But first, we need to find breakfast." Buck trotted towards a colossal mound. Upon closer inspection, the mound was covered in decently sized bugs.

"Now, these termites are fine to eat." he levitated one up to his mouth and ate it. "Tastes really leathery" he explained. "Like trying to eat a bag."

Once Buck's buggy breakfast was over, he brushed himself off and continued to walk.

"Stop!" he commanded.

Right in front of them was a giant chasm virtually impossible to cross.

"We have to find another way." He turned back to the camera. "Four ponies died last year for not being aware of their surroundings. It's vital for survival that you stay alert at all times."

He scanned the horizon, looking for a way across.

"Over there, see the bridge?" he pointed a hoof at a brown structure sticking out of the cliff. "Let's get moving."

"Well, the good news is that I found a way across." Buck explained. "The bad news is, the bridge is out and only the cables remain." He stepped onto the rail and wrapped his limbs around one of the cables. He began to slowly shuffle across. Suddenly, his back legs slipped, leaving him dangling halfway across the chasm. Grunting, he painfully wrapped his back legs around the cable again, and continued across.

"Now it's your turn!"

Buck walked along the desert, head lowered. He looked up and saw.."

"Train track!" he ran over to the track. "We just need to follow this and..."

The sound of ringing bells drowned out his voice. A train raced down the rails, smoke puffing wildly.

"This is our chance, come on!" Buck raced towards the train. As it drew near, he chased after it. Almost out of breath, he jumped onto the caboose and clambered up the ladder. He waved to the camera crew as he exited, and the credits began to roll....

AUTHORS NOTE

Thanks for reading! I know, it's short and some of the humor and jokes are freaking terrible, but this is a pilot! If people like, more shall come!

Regards,

Trollbiscuit