The sun in Texas is fucking atrocious.
Austin was perhaps one of the worst cities in that regard, nearly passing the 100’s on a normal day of summer, and of course, as it turned out, I was in yard duty, my roommate having done so the previous week. I chose to bite the bullet and just do it, I had some problems turning the stupid machine, but I managed to get some help from the neighbors (with my feminine charm, no less), and started cutting it, sadly, my pleading didn’t get them to cut it for me.
“Sorry Mary, that’s your job.”
Fuckers.
“An angry man, gets drunk and beats his kids. The same old way, his drunken father did!” I sang one of my favorite songs by the Offspring, I managed to get a few looks from people around me, but fuck the police, I sing what I want.
“Phew!” I complained loudly, noticing I had finished the yard, I nodded satisfied and headed to the back to leave the piece of crap equipment… Only to find that I had forgotten to do the back as well. Fuck.
“Oh fuck,” I said to myself regretting the time I’d chosen to cut it, seriously, who cuts the yard when the sun is at its highest peak? Well… My dumbass, apparently.
“Fuck that shit,” I said in a rather lady-like manner, as odd as that may sound. I would have done it, but that was outside the question at the moment, I had more important shit to do; namely get on my laptop and waste my life on the internet.
Ah, yes… The American Dream…
I left the infernal grass eating contraption behind the shed, fuck if I care if it isn‘t the right spot, I was going to cut the grass anyway, and with a gruff, I headed inside the house again.
“Okay, let’s see what’s going on,” I entered my room and fell on the bed, my laptop being already open, and I went to Facebook… It was full of bitching about the Season 2 Finale.
“Ahahaha, no,” I closed that window and opened another to FimFiction, I went to the IRC chat as I always did when I got on the site, but being the technologically inept person I was, I couldn‘t understand a word… “I’ll get you to work someday… Just you wait…” I closed the laptop in a rage and laid back on the bed, sighing softly, already bored out of my mind.
“Shit, what do I do now,” it was my day off, and as always, I found myself unable to find a damn thing to do, lately, I had spend my day reading fics in the site, but I needed to cut on that, nobody ain’t got time for that shit.
So I decided that it was time to make use of my stash, and what can I say? I enjoy doing it, don’t you judge me. I stayed in my room for a while, just smoking the day away, shit, it was nice, but then, something caught my attention outside; the sky was pink, the shit that could only happen once every 20 fics.
“Oh shit… It’s the end of the world!” I said loudly and with good reason, wasting no time, I got on my feet and grabbed the bag that I had stashed just in the closet just in case, it contained everything that I needed to survive, from canned food to flashlights, and my special-er stash, Stacey said it would be pointless, but I fucking knew it! I headed outside through the back (because fuck you, I was high as a kite) and I found myself staring at the sky, it was strange, impending doom or not, it was a once-in-a-lifetime chance… Unless it was just a hallucination, it which case I was tripping hard.
That’s when an odd aroma filled my nostrils. “Geez, I didn’t know the apocalypse would smell so delicious…” I sniffed the air intently and followed it, because hey, it could be leading me to killing my first zombie, the second American Dream.
The sweet aroma reminded me of chocolate… I wasn’t too sure, but maybe fudge? Great, now I’m hungry, thanks to a probably toxic smell, which surprisingly, became stronger the more I followed it, I reached into my backpack and grabbed a small knife I’d packed, I tiptoed slowly and neared the shed, the smell becoming more apparent as I neared it.
“Ugh, my nostrils! I won’t probably eat fudge ever again, for like a week, possibly,” I gulped as I reached the corner leading to the back, and after a few quick breaths, I turned, just to find a surprise.
“What the…?”
The form of a girl laid there, she was naked for some reason, her skin was fair, and honestly, made me slightly jealous, I moved my eyes up across “the belt” and moving to her breasts, which honestly, were rather big, probably C, green I was once more, then my eyes moved to her ass where I noticed a tattoo… A tattoo of six grayish bubbles were there, it reminded me of a cutie mark, it looked a lot like a cutie mark from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, but for some reason, I couldn’t place the pony that it belonged to, I knew that it was from some retard, but I can’t really remember.
My gaze went up higher, finding her beautiful blonde hair that only served to make me want to punch her more, it covered her face, seeing how she wasn’t really moving, I approached her and moved the hair to get a good look on he- “In the name of lord smooze what the fuck!?”
Her tongue stuck out in a rather grotesque way, I hadn’t been able to notice, but her head was twisted in a very odd angle, I got on my feet, totally grossed out at the sight, realizing that her neck was apparently broken, the cause? The grass cutter I had so lazily left there.
Well, fuck me sideways and call me Nancy, what are the odds of that?
From the way I saw it, she had fallen from the sky and the way she landed, had caused her neck to break, of course, she could have also died from the actual fall, but what the fuck do I know, who am I? House?
I looked at the body once more, reaching for my phone in my pocket, I dialed 911 and called the police to come check on the body, and after giving out all the details, I went back into the house, I was hungry, maybe I could remember the name of that one pony once I got some food on me while I waited for the police to arrive… Nachos.
Yeah, I had the munchies that only nachos would satisfy.
Author's Note
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
I'm sorry. 
