HiE Powered (a parody)

by Elric of Melnipony

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Twilight Sparkle, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 10825

Equestria, much like Christmas, needs to be saved all the time. Yet another human does the job... because apparently that's how these things work.

What's threatening Equestria this time? Why can't they just defend themselves with the Elements of Harmony? Why do the princesses magically summon a human instead of a member of a more respectable species? Who the hell has been giving Luna language lessons? Why is the hero yet another guy named Kyle? Some (but not all) of these questions will be answered, and the answers may surprise you!

Or, you know, maybe not.

.
[NOTE: There's no gore as such, but there is a great deal of ridiculous, cartoon-style violence.]

Cover art by Rob Liefeld thewaffler.

Published 2013-07-14 13:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-02 07:22:42 UTC

Chapter 1: Summon to Watch Over Me

It was a dark and stormy night, which prompted Twilight Sparkle to curse insomniac pegasi. Her mind was preoccupied, so she overlooked the fact that she had more or less joined their ranks. More importantly, she forgot that she had the option to fly above the clouds. She breathed a sigh of relief when she finally spotted Canterlot Castle through the rain. Twilight dived down to a covered balcony. Once she landed, she decided to throw dignity over the side and began shaking like a dog. It was progress of a sort; it resulted in her being merely soaked rather than completely saturated.

Towels came floating towards her gently, wrapped in the magical energies of her mentor, Princess Celestia. “I'm glad you made it here so quickly, Twilight. This is serious.” She was serious.

Twilight replied with a serious tone. “You said as much in your letter, but you didn't explain what the issue is. What's happening?”

“Soon, Twilight. We have to wait until Cadance joins us. This is a four princess job.”

Twilight tilted her head and began pondering where she had run into the phrase 'four princess job' before. After a moment, realization struck and she nodded to herself. I really should borrow some more of Rarity's erotica at some point. Her collection beats what's in the library. “I couldn't help but notice that we're two princesses short.”

The door opposite the balcony opened. Celestia's younger sister Luna walked in, having just finished raising the moon. “Twilight! What up, gurl?”

Celestia face-hoofed. “Luna, remember your lessons on modernizing your speech?”

“Fo' shizzle.”

“I'm going to need you to dial it back a few notches.”

“I can dig it.”

Celestia took a deep breath, but her attempts at furthering Luna's education were interrupted by the arrival of Cadance, the group's “cute Beatle”. After she dried herself off, hugs of greeting were given and received all around. “Thanks for that book, Twilight! Your brother can't walk for at least two days, and I'm only on chapter seven! I think we're going to need a larger bedroom for all the equipment, though.”

“Um... you're welcome? Ew.”

Celestia coughed to get everypony's attention. “Thank you all for joining me. There is a grave threat on the horizon, and I fear for the future of Equestria. Together, we can do what must be done to defeat our foe.”

Twilight waved a hoof like a filly in school. “Wait, why didn't you have me bring my friends along? You need the big guns, right? Why can't we just use the Elements of Harmony?”

Celestia used her magic to close the doors to the balcony, and glanced around to make sure they weren't being spied on. “That's a good question. The answer is that we are in a very dire situation. So much so that the Elements of Harmony are unusable due to reasons and stuff. We will have to rely on other means.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Due to reasons?”

“And stuff.”

Cadance jumped into the conversation. “So then, Aunt Celestia, what are we supposed to do?”

“We are to perform... a summoning.” The dramatic musical sting came on cue, seemingly from the walls themselves.”We are going to summon a representative... of a warrior race.” A few follow-up notes sounded.

“Kzinti?” Twilight queried.

“Bless you!” Luna replied.

“Klingons!” Cadance confidently called.

Several more suggestions were offered, with Celestia saying no to each one. Sensing that the frustrations of the others were reaching their boiling point, she finally named her intended target. “Humans.” A muted trumpet played a series of descending notes, drawing out the last one.

Cadance looked confused. “They're a fairly disreputable bunch, aren't they?”

Twilight tried to pry loose some dusty memories. “Wait, aren't they the ones with--”

Cadance cut her off. “Yep.”

“And sometimes they--”

“Yep.”

“And while that's going on--”

“Yep.”

“And then they insert the--”

“That's them.” Cadance looked slightly ill.

Luna offered her input. “Barf me out! Like, fer sure! Totally.”

Celestia tried to regain control of the conversation. “Enough, everypony, please. It has to be a human. We have a contractual obligation.” That settled it, of course. All four of them were powerful spell-casters who had defeated all sorts of villains, but not a single one wanted to get her hooves dirty by dealing with lawyers. “Now, I looked it up and this spell is quite complicated. Are you all ready to learn your roles in the ritual?”

“Yes, Auntie.”

“Of course, Princess.”

“Sock it to me!”

The instructions from the book of magic were very thorough, except for the part about what sort of mystic sigils were needed on the floor. Pentagrams were long since out of fashion, so there was a spirited discussion about what would work best in this situation. Twilight wanted to use the Runes of Rowling, Cadance was fond of the Holy Circle of Haveaniceday, and Luna thought the job would be done best with Crazy Starswirl's Discount Quadrilateral of Containment. (“Wards against all fiends or your money back!”) In the end, they settled on a sequence of pictograms that had originally been a bit of obscene graffiti in the slums of Imrryr ten thousand years ago.

“Is everypony prepared to begin?”

“Yes, Auntie.”

“Yes, Princess.”

“Coolsville, daddy-o.”

The ritual was long and involved. Glowing horns drew strange shapes in the air. Candles were lit and extinguished at regular intervals. Incantations were chanted in Equestrian, Griffish, High Draconic, and Welsh. Pizza was ordered. A break was taken when the delivery pony arrived. A Care Bear was sacrificed. A loud crack was heard as a strange shape appeared high in the air. A quieter but uglier crack was heard as said shape hit the ground head-first.

“Hells. Why didn't anypony tell me that could happen? It's sure not in the book. Let's start over.”

Glowing horns, candles, chanting, traditional donkey cuisine this time, delivery, Care Bear, loud crack, telekinetic catch, intense smell of alcohol. This one was alive, but dead drunk. Good enough. Luna strung up a hammock where she could keep an eye on things and put the human in it. The others went to bed.

Chapter 2: Wake Me, Shake Me, Pony, Pony

Special Forces badass Kyle “Thud” Batshit was on his way back to the United States. That morning before dawn, his team had parachuted into the renegade nation of Assholia. They moved into position by sunrise, and then spent the day mowing down caricatures of people the author didn't like. It had been satisfying carnage. They then crossed the border into Escapistan, only to find that the return plan had changed. For reasons that were unclear, they were to make their way home on a commercial flight; the good news was that the airline had bumped them all up to first class. Kyle looked at the number of hours the flight would take, looked at the drinks menu, looked at the line that said “complimentary for First Class passengers”, and decided to get hammered. He started with the expensive drinks, and had worked his way down to last Thursday's vintage of Chien Fou Vingt-Vingt before passing out.

Kyle wasn't quite like the others in his unit. For one, he was exceptionally talented. Somehow, in his 25 years on Earth, he had attained over 60 years of experience in killing. For another, he was known to people in all branches of service due to his spectacular skills; soldiers, sailors, marines, airmen... they all thought he was a righteous dude. Also, he was secretly a fan of a toy tie-in cartoon that was aimed at children. He realized that it made little sense for pets in a pet shop to never actually be sold – because that's what happens in a real pet shop – but he was willing to overlook that. He looked a lot like the main character from the Starship Troopers movie. Women wanted him, and men wanted to be him. (In the case of about seven or eight percent of the population, those statements were reversed.)

A couple of hours after Kyle's brain decided it was no longer open for business, strange things began to happen. No one noticed because it was well into the plane's night, both in terms of where it was and the schedule it was following. The passengers were all asleep, and the flight attendants were hidden away, chugging coffee. A faint jingling noise started that was heard by no one. A small ball of pink light appeared and hovered above various sleepers, as if it were looking for something. When it reached Kyle, it stopped. He was soon enveloped in pink energy and could no longer be seen because of the glow. The glow faded and he was gone. All that remained in his seat was a light dusting of glitter – a common side effect of unicorn magic.

“Hey.” It was a feminine voice, soft and sweet.

He was aware that he was becoming aware. He wasn't awake, but he was headed in that direction.

“Hey, wake up.” Maybe it was the cute redhead who had been taking care of the passengers in coach class? Having her nearby would be a wonderful way to start the day.

“Hey, come on, human.”

What?

“Time for you to get up.”

He opened his eyes. Horse. Pink horse. Big-eyed pink horse with lots of colors in its mane. He closed his eyes again. It was clearly the booze and the lack of food; this vision could be safely ignored.

“Open your eyes. I'll explain everything.”

He felt something like a palm against his chest, but no fingers. Odd. He opened his eyes. Horse. He looked at his chest. Hoof. He blinked several times. “Horse,” he stated flatly.

“Close. Pony. And you're a human, and you're in our world now. Like I said, I'll explain.”

Kyle opened his eyes again and took in the room. He was in what looked like a scaled-down castle; he would probably have to duck when going through doors. He thought he had been caught in a net, but then he looked down at his feet and saw a bright label: “Canterlot Hammock District”. Below that, it smaller letters, it said “Third Street”. The horse... pony was strangely colorful compared to animals back home, and she was actually pretty cute.

“I'm Cadance. Wanna make out?”

“Um... no?”

She shrugged. “Never hurts to ask. What's your name?”

“Kyle. Kyle Batshit. My friends and teammates call me Thud.”

“Why?”

“You know, I'm not sure. Why did you ask me if I wanted to make out?”

“I'm all about spreading love.” She winked. “Some beings are just the opposite, though. They're all about hate, and anger, and killing for fun, and writing bad poetry about how other species don't understand them. That's why we needed a warrior.”

He was being given a mission; this was something he could understand. “I'm a warrior. What's the target?” Years later, when asked why he had thrown himself so readily into the ponies' cause, all he could do was raise a finger as if to make a point, and open his mouth for a response that never came. Even if he had been able to find the words, the reply would have amounted to nothing more than “It seemed like a good idea at the time.” After all, what justification do you really need for risking your life to help strangers who are members of a previously unknown intelligent species?

“Something new came to our world before you did. They're not like any life that we've seen. They can't be reasoned with, and they live to tear down everything that's good. Come with me and talk to my family. We'll tell you everything we know.” With that, Cadance turned away and opened the door with some glowy special effects.

More multicolored horses... ponies. The motherly white one seemed to be in charge, the purple one looked like she wanted to dissect him, and the deep blue one was all over the Twentieth Century with her slang. What the hell did “twenty-three skiddoo” mean, anyway?

By the time he was bored with wondering about that, he had already missed a fair amount of what the white one had been saying. “Fortunately, the rift was unstable, so my sister and I were able to 'encourage' it to close from here. Unfortunately, the things that crossed over have shown themselves to be quite resistant to magic, as well as extremely hostile.”

“What things?” Kyle wanted credit for participating.

“They resemble solid rock, but they seem to be alive. They are large, and strong, and very durable. On the other hoof, they're slow and they don't appear to be very intelligent.” After giving the description, the white one – Princess Celebrity? – helpfully provided a visual aid. Her horn glowed, producing a wavering three-dimensional image of what looked like a disgruntled boulder.

He squinted. “Trolls?” The replies came all at once, and he had trouble sorting them out.

“So it would seem.”

“Far out.”

“I've read about those!”

“Ick. No smooches for him.”

Kyle was always up for killing. “I'm always up for killing,” he announced. “Where's my target?”

The leader – Princess Celery Stick? – held up a hoof. “Not just yet. There's something we must give you before you go.” An object floated towards him in her telekinetic grip. It was a smooth cylinder that he would have mistaken for a roll of aluminum foil if not for the fact that the ends were sealed.

He plucked it out of the air and examined it. “Thanks. What is it?”

The white princess gave a curt response. “A weapon.”

Her sister spoke up. “You're gonna need to be packing, see? And this heater's aces!”

“Packing? Heater? This is a gun?” He knew every gun in the world and most of them throughout history, and this was nothing like he had ever seen.

“In a manner of speaking. What you are holding is a combination of unicorn magic, Thrint technology, and a complete disregard for the safety of the user. The result is a shape-shifting matter/energy matrix that responds to the user's thoughts. It can become almost any distance weapon you can imagine. It is called the OmniBoom.”

“–called... the... OmniBoom.” The purple one was muttering and taking notes. “Princess, I've never heard of or read about anything like this. What's it made of? And how?”

“It required many rare resources, Twilight, including Kryptonite, vibranium, transparent aluminum, and Spam. Luna and I worked together to craft it, following ancient specifications in the Equinomicon.”

“The two of you made this? That's incredible.”

Luna waved a hoof dismissively. “Ain't no thang.”

By this point, Kyle was holding in his hands a perfect replica of a Cheney Mark II Face-Shredder. “Blah, blah, blah. Just tell me where to go and how to get there.”

Cadance gave him a look that he would have called pitying if it had been on a human face, but it obviously couldn't be that. He just hadn't learned pony expressions yet, that's all. “That's just it, sweetie. We need your skills, but you also need ours.”

Twilight jumped in. “You don't know our geography, or our customs, or any magic, or anything else that would help you on this journey.”

The one with the name he hadn't learned yet – Princess Cellophane? – took over again. “That's why we're sending a guide. Twilight is going with you.”

Her jaw-drop could have impressed a snake. “I am?”

Chapter 3: May Not Be Suitable for Some Viewers

The next morning found Kyle and Twilight standing in front of her home in Ponyville. She was wearing full saddlebags, and he had a backpack that one of her friends had expertly assembled for him. A map floated in front of her, held in place by her magic. She was gesturing at the geography with a hoof, but was mostly speaking to herself. “The rift is approximately here. The most direct path would be through Froggy Bottom Bog, but only one of us can fly, and slogging through a swamp sucks rump. The only thing worse than that would be making our way through the Noncanon Desert, so that's not an option. There really isn't a good pass through the Certaindeath Mountains. Nothing for it, then.” She looked up at her human companion and spoke more audibly. “We're going to have to go through the Everfree Forest.”

“Okay.”

“That's bad.”

“Is it?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“It's dangerous.”

“How so?”

“Monsters live there.”

Kyle grinned like a shark and morphed the OmniBoom into a Drake-Vasquez LV426. The huge firearm was completely duplicated, from the multi-axis gun mount it rode on to the harness that held it by his side. “Bring 'em on!” He had fallen in love with his new toy.

“Are you sure you know how to handle that thing?”

“Of course I'm sure! I don't understand where the ammo comes from, though.” He had fired several test rounds since receiving the weapon, and they showed no sign of running out.

Twilight started lecturing as they began to walk, and Kyle soon learned to tune her out. Several minutes later, she wrapped things up. “...or to put it another way, it's essentially continued generation of semi-stable pseudo-matter.”

“Magic bullets. Got it.”

“Technically, it's --”

“Magic bullets.” Who cared how it worked? It was always loaded, no matter what it was turned into. Best of all, there was no cleaning up to do; the casings disappeared immediately after ejection, and the slugs vanished after impact. It was like being in an action movie.

As they walked to the edge of town, the unicorn alternated between studying her human companion and explaining things about her world to him. She just wasn't sure about this whole bipedal locomotion thing, no matter how well it seemed to work for him. Oh, sure, she had seen Spike walk like that ever since he was hatched, but that was different; he had a lower center of gravity. In contrast, the towering human looked like he should fall over at any moment. As far as she was concerned, four legs good, two legs bad.

Soon they were just outside the forest. “So, what kind of name is 'Everfree' anyway?”

Twilight waved a hoof at what was ahead of them. “It refers to real estate prices in and around the forest.”

“That bad, huh?”

“That bad.”

Hours later, Twilight reflected that while she was no fan of violence, she certainly had never felt safer in the Everfree Forest. Things that hadn't been killed outright were scared off by all the noise from the OmniBoom. At this time, it was in the form of a SplatterTech Compensator 9001, and Kyle was caressing the large barrel tenderly. The corpses left in their wake so far included three manticores, a cockatrice, an immature beholder, two chimerae, six heck-hounds, a goblin, and half a pixie. The experience was unsettling, but it was just as good a teacher as any anatomy text in the library.

They heard a howl at a distance, followed by one that was closer, and another closer still. The timber wolves were on the hunt. Kyle looked far too happy at the prospect of additional killing, and only hesitated a moment after he was told that the creatures in question were magically animated wood. The metaphorical light bulb lit above his head, and his weapon morphed again. Kyle charged between the trees carrying a flamethrower of the Nixon Village-Clearer variety, with Twilight following at what she hoped was a safe distance.

At nightfall, they sat around a campfire made of chunks of former timber wolves. Despite his fondness for mayhem, Twilight found herself growing attached to the otherworldly warrior. In between bouts of havoc, they had been having fascinating conversations about differences and similarities between their worlds. She was certain she would soon count him as one of her many friends.

Kyle evidently felt the same way. He tossed another piece of cellulose paw on the fire and looked over at his unicorn companion. “You know, you remind me of a girl I knew back when I was in high school.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yup. She was like you – smart, helpful, eager to learn, and sometimes wound just a little too tightly. Her name was Twyla Sparger.”

Twilight blinked several times. “What else do you remember about her?”

“She had a group of friends, and the six of them were inseparable. Let's see... there was April Jackson... and the party girl, Penny Pyle. Flora Shea and Rachel Dasch had known each other since childhood. And what was the snooty girl's name? Oh yeah, Raye Ritter.”

“No kidding.”

“Yeah. I wonder what it would be like if they were to come here.”

“Really?” Twilight scrunched her face at this obvious sequel-bait. “Wow, subtle.”

Chapter 4: Another Several Bite the Dust

“I thought you said we'd be out of the Everfree by now.”

“We are.”

“Then what do you call all this?”

“It's not the Everfree. Didn't you see the transition?”

“What?”

Twilight decided she should act as a tour guide to visitors from parallel realities more often. It gave her lots of opportunities to explain things, and she loved explaining things like her friend Pinkie Pie loved pastries. “There's no definite border, but if you pay attention to the plants, trees, and terrain, you can see that we've left the Everfree Forest. Now we're in the Evenworse Forest.”

Kyle scowled. “I'm sorry I asked.”

“Just look at it as more chances to kill things.”

“Yeah.” His face lit up as that sank in. “Yeah!”

“Are all humans this violent?”

“Not all of us. I guess I'm sort of a special case.”

“Why do you suppose that is?”

“Well, it's like this...” He told her how his parents had been well-off, and had given him everything but love; they also made him mow the lawn. He talked about how most people didn't understand his obsession with a certain genre of music and dismissed it as garbage; in his opinion, the world would be a better place if everyone listened to klezmer-zydeco fusion, especially the work of his hero, Jean-Louis Silverstein. (He digressed for a moment to say that he also liked electronic music, and he really enjoyed Computer Farts, the new album by Skillet.) He described the trauma of having his prized collection of fedoras piled in front of him and set on fire when he was a teenager; he was certain they looked good on him, no matter what society, fashion, and common sense said. He explained that he never really felt like he belonged until he joined the military, and now he held (somewhat improbably) multiple ranks in each of the services; for example, in the Army he was a Lieutenant-Sergeant, and in the Navy he was a Seaman-Commander.

Most ponies would have written him off as a whiny little bitch by this point, but Twilight Sparkle wasn't most ponies. Inexplicably, she was more fond of him than ever. And she knew just how to show it, too. She waited until they were sitting down to take a break. “Wanna make out?”

“Um... no? Hey, wait a second – did you learn that approach from Tapdance?”

“Cadance. Yeah, sort of. Well, if you would prefer, we can skip straight to having sex. I've read a lot about it, so I think I'd be good at it.”

“I'll pass.”

She hadn't expected that answer. “Are you sure?”

“Pretty sure.”

“But just think about how much we could learn about each other's species!”

“I'm not into ponies, sorry.” Kyle looked thoughtful. “Now if I heard that offer in your voice coming from a busty blonde, on the other hand...”

The journey continued, Kyle continued to spurn Twilight's advances, and the body count continued to climb. The monsters of the Evenworse Forest seemed only a little more fierce than the monsters of the Everfree on average, but they tended to have unpleasant smells; the beasts gave off odors similar to kimchi, vegemite and other horrors. The stench sometimes made it difficult for them to have their meals, and also prompted Kyle to kill completely different things; there was no way he was going to eat something that smelled like wet dog. Twilight had found his eating habits slightly surprising at first, but since she had hung out with omnivores before, she didn't act like a candy-ass about it.

In fact, she really didn't lose her cool until they approached a particular clearing. Twilight caught a glimpse through the trees ahead and froze for a moment. Once she snapped out of it, she rapidly whirled around back the way they came, raised herself on her back legs, and pressed her back to a tree. Kyle could only wonder what she had seen, as well as what obscenity she had just mouthed silently. He wasn't even good at lip-reading a human; ponies were out of the question.

Kyle maneuvered until he could get a clear view. The things up ahead shared the same general body plan as the ponies, but had a distinctly insectoid (and therefore freaky) appearance. He drew close to Twilight and made sure he would be unseen by what he mentally labeled “horse-buggies”. Keeping his volume low, he asked, “What am I looking at?”

“Changelings!” Her voice was equally quiet, but strained.

“Not what you were expecting?”

“They must be a scouting party!”

He thought of his own impressions of them, as well as Twilight's reaction. “Evil?”

Her eyes flicked over to him. She hesitated. “Well, they're certainly slaves to their instincts, and I believe it could be argued that they're misguided, but a thorough analysis--”

“Let's try this again. Evil?”

She gave a single, stiff nod. “Evil.”

“Deep breaths.”

She closed her eyes. “Deep breaths,” she agreed.

“Pardon me.”

She opened her eyes again almost immediately, but he was gone. She peeked around the tree, expecting to see him sneaking up on the changelings; nothing. She twitched an ear to try to catch the sound of him moving through the vegetation; nothing. Moments later, he became very, very hard to miss.

Kyle popped up out of a hollow stump in a manner not unlike her friend Pinkie. The silver cylinder in his hands wavered and became a BlackPlowman 80-S Predator chaingun. He cut loose with the weapon; yet despite all the noise, she could still somehow hear him dementedly bellowing some sort of incomprehensible battle chant.

“Peek-a-boo! Ha, ha, ha, HAW! Ha, ha, ha, HAW! Peek-a-boo!”

If Twilight had been more savvy to trans-dimensional pop culture, she might have recognized the work of Devo. She wasn't, so she didn't.

“I know what you do! 'Cause I do it, too!”

Okay, now he was using actual words. It still didn't make much sense to Twilight, though. This prompted an extremely rare thought: It's probably best if I don't think about it too much.

The gunfire was becoming more sporadic. Soon the human ended his bizarre chanting, or singing, or whatever. Twilight decided it was a good opportunity to study the map again while he finished up with the skirmish. They would be done with forests in general soon, and it looked like they would reach their destination shortly after that. She wondered what they would do once they got there, then once again froze in shock. She didn't have a plan! She had been thrown off-balance by the summoning, and her first encounter with humanity, and being “volunteered” to go on this journey... but that was no excuse! She didn't even have so much as a preliminary checklist! Twilight began hyperventilating.

She had barely begun her OCD emotional spiral when her thoughts were cut off by a high-pitched noise. It sounded like an expression of enthusiasm, sort of.

“Woooooooooooooooo!”

Kyle jogged back to her with some sort of strange headgear on. She couldn't really tell what it was at first, since it was black, but it did seem to fit his head rather well. Her stomach began a slow gymnastics routine as she realized it was chitin.

Kyle was, of course, oblivious. “Not much meat on 'em, but are they any good to eat?”

Chapter 5: Horse Apples Hit the Windmill

The firm of Twilight and Sparkle was lobbying in favor of the Xenophilia Act, but to their ongoing disappointment, the House of Kyle refused to even put it up for a vote. At least there was nothing stopping Twilight from snuggling up against the bulky biped at night, and he had enough tact to not say anything about it in the morning. There's just something about his smell, she thought. Any human who did want to have sex with mares could easily have as many as he wanted. Maybe more than one at a time.

Kyle was starting to wake up. Twilight sighed, shifted herself, and stood up. The vegetation in the area would make an adequate breakfast, but a dull one. Her horn and her saddlebags glowed as she began rummaging around for some of her travel rations, hoping to make her meal a little more interesting. As for Kyle, he would probably go kill something again. He might even cook it before he ate it. Maybe.

Not long after breakfast, the trees finally thinned and the forest gave way to grassland. By mid-morning, they had reached a point where the ground began sloping gently downward. At the bottom of the rise was their first evidence of extra-dimensional unpleasantness: a formerly serene meadow of tall grasses and wildflowers that had been mostly stomped flat. The result looked like a group of angry drunks had attempted to pull an overnight crop circle prank.

Twilight closed her eyes and hummed to herself; her horn lit up more intensely than usual, then dimmed back to nothing over the next thirty seconds or so. She opened her eyes, but kept her gaze on the site of the plant massacre. “Turbulence all up and down the magical energy scale. This is definitely where the rift was opened. I can't imagine anypony doing this on purpose, so I think we're looking at the biggest inter-planar hyper-collision that Equestria has seen in centuries!”

“The who in the what now?”

“I'll explain later. I hope you're good at math.”

“Um... hey, look! They left a trail we can follow!”

Twilight wasn't impressed. “You mean that flattened path that extends away from the flattened area?”

“Yeah.”

The trail remained easy to follow, even as they moved out of the tall grasses. Not only was there an obviously compressed path, there was plenty of destruction as well. Trees had been uprooted. A couple of rock formations had been knocked over. An old fence had been turned into splinters, with no more than a handful of pickets remaining intact. Beyond the fence was what was left of an old shack, perhaps once owned by a donkey hermit or pony prospector; the remnants showed that it had been constructed well, and would have continued standing if not for the walking wave of annihilation that had passed by.

Kyle had professional admiration for the damage. “They're good at this.”

Twilight was filled with mild horror. “It seems like they live for tearing things down.”

“We'll stop them. That's why you brought me here.”

They picked up the pace of their travel now that they had a trail to follow. By the early afternoon, they found a point where the nature of the trail changed, and the direction took a sharp turn. There was a deep but narrow channel with water rapidly running through it, and they could tell that the creatures were now following the course downstream. Twilight called for a break as she consulted her map again.

“So we started here, and headed in this direction, then followed the trail on this heading... which makes this the Coltorado River, which would take us through Neighvada, and... oh, no! The towns along the river! The cities and resorts along the coast! This could be worse than the Ponestown Massacre!”

“The what now?”

Twilight was beyond hearing Kyle, or anything other than her panic attack, really. “This is bad! I mean, I knew it was bad, but I had no idea! We need help! We need backup! We need the Princess to throw the sun at them! I need to get back to the library so I can dig up the files on the Manehattan Project! Nopony ever completed Dr. Lippizaner's nuclear fission spell, but I bet I could do it! That's it! We'll use the Elements of Harmony AND the element of uranium!” Her eyes twitched, her mane suddenly spiked out in random directions, and then she was silent. Kyle picked her up and draped her across his shoulders; it was both a rescue carry and a bold fashion statement.

Hours later, as the sun was going down, Kyle set her down so he could get to her saddle bags. She had been well-prepared, so the nights hadn't been as uncomfortable as they could have been. Part of that comfort, however, was having wards in place that would keep away wild animals and annoying insects. The brain-locked unicorn was clearly in no shape for spell-casting, though. As he walked the short distance to the river bank to refill their water supply, the idea hit him: a good splash in the face should take care of matters.

He dropped to his knees and filled the containers quickly. As he was about to get to his feet again, he heard splashing that was nothing like what he was planning. It was already getting too dark to see. Kyle grabbed the OmniBoom and willed it into a brand new design: it was almost all scope, with just a tiny, vestigial rifle hanging off one side. He gave himself both magnification and infrared, figuring that body heat would let him spot a potentially hidden animal more easily than staring through a low-light scope.

There was something out there, all right. It was big, it was angular, and despite being only a few degrees warmer than the surrounding air, it was definitely moving on its own. Kyle quietly returned to the intended campsite. A splash would be too noisy; he poured some water into his hand and flicked his fingers into Twilight's face. “Rise and shine, Sparkle.”

Twilight blinked in the twilight. “Huh? What?”

“Found one. It must have broken away from the rest of the pack. Conjure up some defenses and I'll go take it down. There might be others around, and they might find us if I shoot from here. I'm going to sneak up on it, give it a personal greeting up close.”

Twilight rapidly shook her head back and forth to clear her mind. Somehow, this also returned her mane to its previously pristine condition. “Right. I should be able to make a barrier that will only let you in.” She ducked her head into one of her bags to block the glow of her horn.

Kyle was so stealthy, he made a ninja sound like a marching band. He tracked his target systematically; sight through the scope, move in closer, lather, rinse, repeat. The creature shambled slowly, aimlessly. It was no trouble at all to catch up to the thing. It was easily seven feet tall, and it was bulky – even blocky. He knew he would need something that packed a punch, and that he would have to make his shots count.

He was immediately behind the thing, keeping pace with it easily, seeming to almost glide over the ground. The OmniBoom rippled in his hand. He held up a Callahan Day-Maker, a heavy pistol known for its ability to blow a target's head clean off. He centered it on the lumpy shape above his quarry's shoulders. There was almost no distance at all between the gun and the creature.

Twilight had just finished setting up and magically protecting the camp. Somewhere in the distant darkness, she heard two quick, loud noises – noises of the sort she had been getting used to over the last few days.

Kyle cursed himself for forgetting about the muzzle flash; his night vision was ruined. A fast-flying chip of rock had hit him in the cheek, increasing his discomfort. When he could finally see again, he discovered that not only was his target still standing, it was ponderously turning to face him. He was stunned. The double tap should have done the job.

The beast looked down at Kyle. Its horrifying face contorted into a grotesque grin. It spoke with a voice like a cheese grater over gravel.

“Prah blum?”

Chapter 6: XP Gained, Knowledge Increased

Sergeant Major Lieutenant Commander Captain Captain Kyle Batshit – paratrooper, combat trainer, flight leader, weapons expert, Senior Thing-Doer with the Classified Command, longbowman for King Henry, charioteer, Elvis Impersonator Third Class, and so much more – was completely dumbstruck. Something that was supposed to die... hadn't. This was completely new to him. As far as shocking things went, on a scale from one to ten, magical talking ponies rated maybe pi. But one of his targets actually living? That was well on its way to territory primarily occupied by Spinal Tap custom amps.

Not knowing where the creature's vital organs were – or even if it had any – Kyle shot a quick grid pattern covering the troll's entire torso, silently giving thanks to Princess Celebrate Good Times (Come On) for a weapon that didn't run out of ammo. He stepped back to survey the results of his work.

The troll remained standing. And grinning. “Lahl”, it rumbled. Once again, he had only chipped it.

Fine. It had to have a brain, didn't it? One shot, from up close, to the middle of the forehead.

“Lahl, yurg ae.”

Oh, that's right; that didn't work the first time. Vulnerable points? Of course! That black pit that concealed (or was) the beast's eye! That looked promising.

The troll's head recoiled and seemed to vibrate briefly. It spoke one last time, in a tone that almost sounded like an accusation. “Yoom adh.” It then collapsed with a sound like a tiny rockslide.

In the tradition of all good fantasy heroes, Kyle checked the body for valuables. To his great disappointment, he found nothing. Weren't even the lowliest of monsters supposed to have some gold on them? Wasn't that in the rules or something?

He returned to the area where he had left Twilight, and the light of the rising moon showed him a large, lumpy shape that hadn't been there before. Closer inspection revealed a brand new hill. Remembering the unicorn's words, he stuck out a hand and found it passed through the surface like air. He ducked and stepped inside. “Neat trick,” he said.

Twilight blushed at the compliment. “Thanks. It's the sort of spell that's good to know when there are religious nuts in the neighborhood.”

“Religious nuts?”

“Shadowfax Witnesses, Latter-Day Secretariats, ponies like that.”

Kyle tilted his head a few degrees. Somehow those names sounded familiar, but he dismissed it.

Twilight changed the subject. “I noticed that you fired an awful lot of shots. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. It's just... well, it was a lot tougher than I thought it would be. I wouldn't admit this to any humans, but it shook me up just a little.”

“It's all right. I won't tell anypony. Or any other being.”

“Thanks, Twilight.” He finished the last of his bedtime rituals in silence, and stretched out on his side, facing away from her. Seconds later, he had two hooves draped across his ribs and the head of a sleepy pony drooping down in between them. He considered her attraction weird, but at least she was cute. And a little friendly contact was welcome after his freaky combat experience with a monster that didn't know how to properly book a ticket to the afterlife. They slept.

Kyle converted distance ahead into distance behind with a steady jog. He called out, “I know a girl who lives by the hill!”

Twilight Sparkle had trouble keeping up with him on the ground at this pace, so she was getting some flight time, above him and slightly to one side. She cheerfully sang back the line, word for word.

There were still scenes of destruction, but they seemed fresher; Kyle was sure they were catching up with the trolls. “She won't do it, but her sister will!”

Twilight repeated the new stanza. She liked these songs because they reminded her of her brother. Some of the lyrics he had learned in guard training were quite inappropriate for a schoolfilly, so they were perfect for when he had wanted to trigger a fit of the giggles in her. A bit of Kyle's material was pretty racy, too – or at least she had calculated a pretty high probability that it was. The summoning spell had made sure ponies could communicate with the human and vice versa, but that didn't necessarily mean they always understood each other.

Reminiscing about her brother soon had her remembering other topics, but one memory refused to surface completely no matter how much she dug at it. Later, when they took a break for lunch, she brought it up and hoped that talking about it would aid her recall. “You know, Kyle, I feel like I've read something about these things before. I don't think it was a text that anypony really gave much weight to, though. Nopony else had seen a troll, to the best of my knowledge, and I want to say the scholar was discredited for some reason.”

Kyle replied with a manly approximation of a thoughtful grunt.

“I just don't know for sure. If only I were back at the library! I could get some real research done.”

Kyle mostly read books about guns or booze. (Or quantum chromodynamics, but only when he was in the right mood.) “I guess education about trolls would be an okay reason to kill some trees.”

KER-SPLOOSH! An immense tree fell into and across the river a short trot downstream. The watercourse had been getting wider as they followed it, but the tree spanned it with room to spare. The pony and the human could see the natural dam starting to redirect the flow of water.

“It's... still intact,” Twilight said in a flat tone, looking at what had once been the lower end of the tree.

Kyle followed her gaze and knew immediately what she meant: the tree was still attached to an extensive root system. There were some breaks at the edges of the root ball, but the intact portion was at least three times his beefy size. “That's not normal at home. It's not normal here either, is it?”

“No, it's not.”

They cautiously made their way to the former base of the tree. Not surprisingly, they found a deep, wide pit that water was starting to trickle into. Only a little surprisingly, they found a troll standing at the bottom, staring stupidly up at the core of the root system. “Lahl, wunwunwun,” it ground out, seemingly pleased with itself.

Twilight dropped down on her haunches. “I don't believe this. It must have been digging for hours, and for what? What purpose does this serve? Why would it do this?”

Kyle put on something resembling a thoughtful expression. “I think it's like you said: tearing things down is all they're good for.”

The rocky creature turned in place and looked up at them. “Hei gise.”

The human's eyes darted over to his pony companion. “Did that mean anything?”

The disgusted princess sighed. “I don't know, and I don't care.”

Kyle dropped to one knee and spoke loudly and slowly, like an American tourist. “I... have... something... I... want... you... to... see!” The filthy silicon-based foreigner tried to pretend it didn't understand perfectly good English (or possibly Equestrian), but was fortunately looking at him anyway. He shot it in the eye.

Twilight walked around the edge of the hole until she was opposite the tree, sat down again, and closed her eyes. Her horn began to glow.

“Uh, hey, Twilight, are you okay? Don't worry, I'll figure out how to get rid of this tree. Don't want it blocking the stream, right? Maybe I can blow it up or something.” At that moment, Kyle noticed that said tree was tilting upwards and sliding back into its former place. He scrambled backwards. “The hell?” He looked around. Concentrating pony, glowing horn, tilting tree – glow of same color covering all of the uppermost limbs of the tree. This meant something; this was important. An even larger glow appeared as dirt was telekinetically bulldozed into the hole from several directions at once.

Twilight opened her eyes, inspected her work, and nodded in satisfaction. “Much better.”

Kyle was having trouble stringing words together. “How... I mean magic, yeah, but... how?”

“It's all about leverage.”

“Oh. 'Kay.”

“We need to get moving. Also, the mental focus for my spellcasting helped me remember some things.”

“Such as?” Kyle could tell that if this conversation had been a comedy routine, he would have been stuck as the straight man.

“The unicorn who wrote about trolls. It's not that he produced bad work, it's just that he was a bit odd.”

“Odd how?”

“Well, for starters, he thought he was King of the Llamas.” Twilight said this in the same manner that another might say that the weather was pleasant.

This was far from the weirdest thing Kyle had heard since his arrival. “Anything else?”

“Well, he also had a lot of his research ignored or mocked just based on his name.”

“Which was?”

Twilight took a deep breath. “Haywind the Flatulent.”

Chapter 7: A Story Back from the Dead

Most of the trolls – however many there were – still seemed to be moving in a pack, but there were clearly some rogues that had parted ways with the others. Twilight slowed her and Kyle's progress to a walk so she could do some spellwork in her head; her recollections of Haywind's notes were almost as useful as her actual experiences. Inside half an hour, she had modified an existing tracking spell to home in on trolls. By the end of the day, three more renegades had been located and put down. More importantly, Twilight confirmed that they were very close to a large group of trolls, exact number unknown.

“We should probably rest for the night and analyze the situation in the morning,” said Twilight, possibly thinking of more unsolicited snuggling.

“I disagree. We should attack now.” Kyle's unit had a motto: “Attack Now.” Once they had even had a sign made with the motto on it, and it had stood proudly on a shiny pole outside some building or other back at their assigned base... until someone had blown it up. “They'll never expect us to come after them after dark.”

“They're probably not expecting anything at all,” Twilight pointed out reasonably.

“All the more reason to attack now!”

The pony rolled her eyes. “Is there a plan?”

The human looked thoughtful. “A plan? That might be useful.”

“Exactly! Are we going to try to draw one of them away from the group so you can take care of things? And then keep doing that again and again?”

“That's actually a good idea! No.”

Twilight's mouth tightened and her eyes closed. She knew that some ponies found it helpful to count when they were frustrated, but linear sequences were for wimps. Instead, she began muttering square numbers. “One, four, nine, sixteen, twenty-five...” By the time she got to 400, she realized she actually did feel a little better. “Okay, so what are we going to do?”

“It's almost sundown,” Kyle said, pointing out the obvious. “With those tiny eyes, they probably don't see very well in the dark. We need to find some high ground above them, then have you ruin their vision even more somehow with your magic. While you do that, I'll be picking them off with a sniper rifle.”

“Back in a moment,” said Twilight just before flying straight up. She returned moments later. “We're in luck. There's a ridge over that way, and if we make our way to the top of it, it'll eventually take us pretty close to where the tracking spell is putting the largest clump of those things.”

“And then we'll have an overlooking position?” asked Kyle.

“We should, yes.”

“Perfect.”

The light in the sky had dimmed considerably by the time Kyle had climbed the slope marking the start of the ridge. Fortunately, the moon was beginning to rise at that point, giving him some visibility, and the top of the ridge was treeless, cutting down on obstacles he had to worry about. He jogged along steadily, making certain he avoided the very sudden drop-off to his left.

Far above, Twilight was practicing some skills that she had really only observed before, since they were unavailable to her prior to her ascension. Gathering the clouds together wasn't difficult at all, and even combining them wasn't that tough. Where she was having trouble was compressing them to make them darker and denser. She eventually settled on a maneuver that involved folding her wings and twisting her upright body sideways at the last moment before slamming into a cloud; she looked like a human trying to shoulder open a locked door. It had the desired effect, however, and before too long she was pushing along a massive storm cloud with her front hooves.

After some time, she parked her cloud in mid-air and skimmed down to join Kyle at the top of the ridge. He had cleared a patch of ground and was stretching out full-length upon it. The OmniBoom had shifted once again while she had been away from him; it was now absurdly long and had attached to it what looked like a telescope that she would be proud to own.

A cluster of around to sixty to seventy trolls were gathered a short distance from the base of the ridge. Some ambled about aimlessly in circles, others simply stood still, and two of them were engaged in what looked like a head-butting competition. With no apparent reason for doing so, one of the formerly motionless trolls twisted its shoulder back and leveled a massive cinderblock fist. It then delivered, to the jaw of the troll standing next to it, a haymaker that would have flattened a dozen ponies. The second troll reeled, somehow maintained its balance, and clenched its own fists for retaliation. The first troll held both hands in front of it, palms outward and fingers spread. It rumbled, “Juh-kuh, lahl,” which seemed to settle it, as both of them went back to imitating statues.

Twilight folded her legs, dropping to her belly next to where Kyle had assumed a similar position. She felt a strange thrill as he reached out with one beefy arm and drew her closer.

“Are you ready?” he said softly. When Twilight nodded, he continued. “So, I'll start shooting when you… what? Call down that cloud?”

“No, no… I'll push it down until it's just over their heads. That'll block out most of the light from the moon and stars. I'll get it started raining, too, which should also make it harder for them to know what's going on. There may also be some lightning, but I don't know if it will hurt them or not.”

“Rain, that's good. I like that. It'll make them easier to pick up on the infrared,” he said, patting the scope on his sniper rifle. “And you won't be in any danger?”

Twilight shook her head. “No, not at all. I may not be able to break the sound barrier, but there's a hot-air balloon back in town that can outrun these things. I'll be fine unless something unexpected happens.”

Kyle let go of his pony companion and returned to lining up his first shot. “Then let's hope nothing unexpected happens.”

Twilight returned to her storm cloud, centered it over the troll cluster, and then began bringing it downward as quickly as she dared. Once it was in position just a short distance above the ground, she gave it a good stomp to get the rain started. A lightning bolt leapt between cloud and ground, catching a troll in its path. The crack of thunder that followed was accompanied by a shattering noise, and chips of rock came flying up through the cloud. Got one, she thought.

She then heard the now-familiar sound of the OmniBoom, although strangely muted compared to when it had been used before. There was a loud noise like a wall toppling to the ground, so she knew Kyle had taken care of another. She stomped on the cloud again, and again, and again… and then gave up on stomping and just started dancing. Lightning flashed, thunder crashed, rain splashed, gunfire lashed, trolls were trashed.

Then something unexpected happened.

Chapter 8: Dumber Than Advertised

“ENOUGH!” The scream came from the base of the ridge, almost immediately below Kyle. It was accompanied by a comet-like blast of blood-red energy rocketing towards Twilight. It struck her in mid-Garden Party Stomp, encasing her in a shimmering aura of the same color before bouncing off downwards through her storm cloud.

The magical bolt ricocheted among the various trolls like a pinball that had downed some sugary treats made by Pinkie Pie, and each troll it hit was just as paralyzed by the surrounding glow that resulted as the previous target had been.

“This will not stand!” The voice was high-pitched, nasal, whiny, and trying very hard to sound imperious.

“Wut?” came the voice of a troll.

“Oe wemjee!” remarked another.

Skeletor? thought Kyle dumbly.

He didn't have time for much else, as the spell quickly came seeking him as well. It gave him something like a mild version of the feeling of circulation returning to a limb that falls asleep, but all over. He could still breathe and control his eyes, but nothing more.

A shadowy shape flew up from beneath his position and zipped around in tight, agitated circles above the troll platoon. Once it slowed down, Kyle could see that it was another pony. Like the princesses he had met, it had both a horn and wings, but he understood that wasn't the norm… very uncommon, in fact. I thought they said it was just the four of them.

Kyle was able to get a better look once the new pony settled on the cloud in front of the still-immobilized Twilight Sparkle. It stood there, breathing heavily. Through the IR scope on his weapon, Kyle saw the newcomer had a bright glow to his mane and tail, and was covered with zig-zags, racing stripes, and flame shapes on his legs that were probably meant to make it look like he was going faster. When he switched eyes and looked at the stranger under the moonlight, the alicorn was darker than the storm cloud. He alternated open and closed eyes; stripes and flames, pure darkness. Wild patterns, night inside a cave. Crazy markings, solid color. So his color scheme is black and infrared? Okay, that's weird.

After a time, the new alicorn spoke. “Once again, we see proof that everypony is against me. Everypony is against –” He stopped abruptly, then spoke again after what he probably considered to be a dramatic pause. “Mhyosie.”

Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes.

“They all laughed at Mhyosie,” he said, beginning to pace around her on the cloud. “They all made fun of Mhyosie. They said that Mhyosie looked ridiculous, that Mhyosie didn't really belong in Equestria. Well, soon Mhyosie will show them. Mhyosie will show them all!”

“Show us what?” croaked Twilight from between lips that barely opened.

The agitated equine stomped back into position in front of Twilight, increasing the rainfall below. He whirled around and stared directly into her eyes. “That Mhyosie is better than anypony else in Equestria. That Mhyosie is the equal, nay, the superior of all the princesses! That Mhyosie –“ He paused again, looked down at a half-raised front hoof, and mouthed what seemed to be a silent countdown. He made eye contact again and hissed, “– is Best Pony.”

Several moments passed uncomfortably, until at last, Twilight said, “Oh, me? Is it my turn?”

“What? Yes!”

“It's just that I didn't think you were finished.” Twilight's tone, like that of a jaded customer service representative, danced on the line between apologetic and sarcastic.

“Well I was!”

“Okay. And you want me to what, agree with you?”

“No! You're supposed to say, 'You're not going to get away with this!' Don't you know anything? Mhyosie knows everything. And he's good-looking, too.”

“You're not going to get away with this,” Twilight recited, doing her duty.

“That's where you're wrong!” her opponent snarled. “And I'm going to tell you exactly why...”

Listening to the misfit pony had Kyle wanting to punch him in the face, or failing that, punch himself in the face. Anything was better than listening to some surplus-to-requirements alicorn going on and on about how great he was, even self-harm.

Unconsciously, he tried to clench his fists. Of course, even if the paralysis magic hadn't been thwarting him, there still would have been the issue of the gun in his hands. The spell seemed to be weakening, though, as he learned when all of his fingers curled slightly, including the one on the trigger.

Thanks to the indiscriminate targeting of the spell, Kyle's last shot was still lined up. The black pony spun at the unfamiliar sound of gunfire, searching for the source. He surrounded himself with a dome of magical energy. “They sent a royal princess… as a diversion? There's something worse out there? I need my power back!” With that, he dropped the paralysis spell while at the same time blasting a tight cone of force from his horn towards Twilight Sparkle. She went tumbling off into the night, screaming wordlessly.

Kyle quickly regained control of his limbs and lined up his sights on bad guy. He fired, but as expected, it did no good against the alicorn's force field. After his first attempt, he decided that a different angle might work better, but the sound of a toppling Easter Island statue eliminated all thought. Several seconds after the deactivation of the spell holding it in place, the last troll he shot had finally hit the ground. Kyle jerked in surprise and accidently fired another round. It went wide of the target, which was especially frustrating because the dark pony had been equally startled and his shield had flickered out momentarily. Kyle cursed under his breath.

I've been going about this all wrong, he decided. When firepower isn't enough, what do you need? More firepower. The contours of his weapon melted and flowed again, reconfiguring themselves into a top-of-the-line Nugent Chickenhawk rocket launcher. Now we're talking. He aimed beneath the alicorn, who was still searching for his unseen attacker. He fired, then immediately turned away to protect his eyes.

When he turned back, he saw that the view had changed considerably. There was now a crater in previously flat ground. There were fewer trolls than there had been before, and many of those remaining were no longer on their feet. The storm cloud was completely gone, and in place of the rain there was a very brief shower of gravel. The red glow of the magical shield was still intact, unfortunately, but Kyle chose to demote it on his priority list because of how quickly it was rolling away. He thought he could hear some noises from that direction that sounded like an infuriated goat, but his ears were still ringing a little from the blast. Plus the goat rage was fading away pretty quickly anyway.

It was time to clean up – or make a bigger mess, whatever. He pointed the rocket launcher at one of the larger clusters of trolls and fired, instantly creating more study materials for future geobiologists. He picked out another group and fired again, then fired again at what was left, and again. By the time it was over, there was enough material around to cover a really long driveway, and Kyle was giggling like a schoolgirl who had just heard her teacher say “penis”.

His laughter was cut short by the return of a crackling red ball of angry sorcery, contents: one pony, wings and horn included. He shrugged and fired his rocket launcher again, going for a direct impact this time. This did not, however, have the desired effect. Not only was the force field not down, it hadn't budged an inch.

“Hah! Mhyosie was ready for you this time! Mhyosie is smarter than you, stronger than you, better than you! You think it was enough to destroy his army? You were wrong! Mhyosie can always make more gates and bring more trolls through! Mhyosie can make other gates, and add other creatures to his forces! Mhyosie is unstoppable! Mhyosie will either rule Equestria, or destroy it!”

Kyle fired another rocket. Still nothing.

“That's right! Rule… rule Equestria, or destroy it! Yeah! That's what Mhyosie will do! He will! Real soon now! Just you watch!”

Kyle blinked several times, then tilted his head to one side. Awkward seconds ticked by.

The black-on-black mage tried once again. “Rule or destroy. Right? Right. And, uh… how does that make you feel? What… what do you say to that?”

Kyle made an odd face as he stuck a finger in his ear and wiggled it around. He pulled it out and inspected it. He sniffed it and frowned.

At last, an answer came from on high. Literally. Twilight shouted from far above, “I say, 'counter-spell'!” A beam of her own energy came down from the sky and shattered her opponent's shield like a dropped snowglobe.

Being the badass military human that he was, Kyle knew an opportunity when he saw one. He fired yet another rocket, and a third form of precipitation fell that night. The first had been rain, the second had been gravel, and the third was alicorn stew… chunky-style.

Days later, Kyle reflected on how much easier the trip back to Canterlot had been. It was almost as if whatever cosmic force that had seized control of his life just wasn't really interested in the return journey. He decided he couldn't really complain about things going smoothly, though – especially not now that he was at a party in his honor with a drink in his hand and a medal around his neck. He had even heard that there would be a stained glass window made to record his exploits.

Now all he needed was a way home.

He wanted to point this out to the ponies who had brought him here, just in case it wasn't clear. He found three of the four of them together – apparently, the one named Luna was going through something called “linguistic detox”. He explained his desires.

“What about more chapters?” asked Cadance.

Celestia turned her head just in time to keep from violently spraying cider all over their guest. She hacked and gasped, prompting Twilight to thump her on the back with a hoof.

“Of… of your life!” said Cadance brightly. “Here! In Equestria!” She gave her best attempt at a disarming grin to Celestia, who was now breathing normally again but still giving her the stink-eye.

Kyle hesitated. “Well, I don't know...”

Cadance continued. “And think of all the other adventures you could have! How many ponies you could help! How much good you could do!” She flinched at the empty golden mug being shoved in her face by Celestia's magic. “Ahh… would you like a refill, Aunt Celestia?”

“Besides,” added Twilight, “we can't send you back.”

Every conversation in the party ceased. The music stopped. The golden mug clattered to the ground. Cadance face-hoofed. Celestia rolled her eyes and sighed. From somewhere on the other side of the palace came the sound of speech amplified by the Royal Canterlot Voice: “Oh, snap!”

Kyle frowned down at his shoes and let out a sigh of his own. After a moment, he brought his head up and began looking at the pretty pony princesses more closely than he ever had before.

Maybe he could give it a try after all. How bad could sex with ponies actually be?

Author's Note

My thanks to Arcum42, who reminded me of a hero's obligation to tell the villain that he/she won't get away with it.