Child with possible “magic fingers” to be homeschooled – Silicon Valley, 204X
The firstborn son of Dr. Andrew Parker, who is ostensibly gifted with the potential for Equestrian magic powers, will not enter the official school system, the child’s parents have decided. They feel there are several high risks regarding their child, spanning from being teased or worse for having abnormal fingers to actually being capable of using pony magic and possibly doing damage in an uncontrolled environment.

Princess Celestia officially out of the dating pool – Canterlot, 202X
Her Royal Highness Princess Celestia of Equestria made an official statement today, saying she is not and will not have herself be considered an eligible bachelorette. Inside sources say this is because of her apparent immortality. Word on the Internet adds that she would therefore only date other immortals and that “Twilestia is bestia.” There is at this time no word about her sister, Princess Luna.

#ponymisfits
yeah well if i could do magic id
You'd what, dipshit?
im almost afrai dto say
cough it up, bro.
okay
id telekenanisstily hold twiligt sparkle in place
and have my wahy with her ass
Jesus fuck, Poop. You can't just say that sort of thing here!
why not fagt
she's on this server and doesn't like it when people do that.
It was nice knowing you, man.
how cud she even know asshols
shes not on this channel
* WellReadMare (sparkle@silence.in.the.library) has joined #ponymisfits
Did you honestly think that would keep me from finding out?
* SuperPooperScooper has quit IRC (Quit: Magic, bitches.)
george orwell called
he wants his privacy concerns back.
Oh relax, FactChecker9000. I was joking.
Thanks again, JackMichaelson.
* JackMichaelson bows

How to train your pony – excerpt from Cosmo
7. Bigger is better. When dating ponies, always try to find the largest-hung stallion you can.

An open letter from a concerned man of science
Dear Mrs. Terwilliger.
In your recent article in Cosmo, “How to train your pony”, you suggested finding “the largest-hung stallion”. I urge you to reconsider this stance as above-average stallions can easily cause damage to the receiving woman. You might remember the statement made last month about how intercourse with a pony stallion is safe. This assumes intercourse with an average stallion. The average woman is not built as deep as the average mare and it will hurt.
Yours truly, the stallion on stage during that statement.

Changelings open brothel, local Catholics go wild – Manhattan, 204X
Everybody saw it coming. Not one week after opening, the erotic establishment known best as Wish Fulfillment has come under fire from the nearby church. A spokespony for the brothel has gone on record saying, “We’re not that concerned about it. Client confidentiality prevents me from naming names, but in the single week since we opened the place we’ve had twelve members of this very same church ‘make use’ of our services. You know who you are.” The pastor was not available for comment.

Pony programmers pickle potential privacy problem – Redmond, 203X
While testing the recently released beta of the upcoming new Microsoft Windows version, a group of Equestrians known on the Internet only as the Face Stab Squad have discovered a method that Microsoft and potentially anybody else could use to record all Internet activity. A spokesman for Microsoft has claimed that this possibility was not planned for. The FSS are still investigating the possible origin of the security hole, while a court order urges the programmers at Microsoft to patch the hole regardless.

First potential human/pony hybrid? – New Jersey, 204X
Some say she cheated. Some say it’s a miracle. Either way, a woman in New Jersey who married a unicorn became pregnant. The scientific community is torn between accepting that maybe Equestrians, who are technically extra-terrestrial, and humans may be biologically compatible, or that the woman did in fact cheat. We will know more next month when the fetus has hopefully grown enough to tell. One popular theory holds that the unicorn, a published biologist, has tampered with his own reproductive DNA and/or possibly altered something about his wife. The religious right, when they caught wind of the theory, is suspected to have painted a hateful warning on the wall of the couple’s home, teaching the world that graffiti and unicorn telekinesis go together like oil and water.

Two dead in nearly-foiled terrorist attack – Cebu City, 202X
A Portuguese offshoot of the anti-pony organization known as the Friends of Humanity has attacked a pony marketplace in Cebu City with a suicide bomber. The only casualties were the bomber himself and the salespony closest to him. Thanks to the quick reflexes of a unicorn standing nearby who wishes to remain anonymous, little to no further damage was done.

From the Twitter feeds
“i cant believe ppl still think only humans can be #gay.” – @itsokaytobepony
“@itsokaytobepony I know, right? My brother was caught in the wrong neighborhood last week. An Earth pony stallion... surprised him. #buttsex” – @tallslimandhandsome
“@tallslimandhandsome wait did you mean earth pony or -earth- pony? #wordswordswords” – @itsokaytobepony
“@itsokaytobepony Earth as in from this planet, as in dumb near-mute that'd violate my slightly feminine-looking brother.” – @tallslimandhandsome
“@tallslimandhandsome Why would you put that online!? I TRUSTED YOU BIG BROTHER! Now I feel #violated in another way! #nahitscool #werecool” – @ruminantphilosopher

Luna Replies
“Yes, our dear Twilight Sparkle is known to react in such ways when somebody offends her on the Internets. We assure you, the people she snatches are returned unharmed, and they are rarely away for longer than ten minutes. It’s but a simple scare tactic, nothing more.”
“Is it not obvious? She does not approve of random strangers lusting after her body in such ways. Neither do we, or our dear sister. The main difference is, Twilight Sparkle has decided to do something about it.”
“I fail to see the issue. The artwork and stories exist, and more is still produced, but those are not her. There is no danger to her purity of body or mind in such cases. I feel it is like how our dear sister has always allowed authors to depict her in their stories, even if they were the raunchiest sexual fare imaginable. So do we and Twilight Sparkle, and I believe dear Cadenza as well, but not quite as much, I believe.”

Tired of getting your plot handed to you?
Stop those who violently react to the presence of ponies with efficiency and style. Join Shíshī’s School of Equestrian Martial Arts today! We also do training for action movies.

Author's Note

Name notes: just the one.