Quick Fix: 4 Reasons Ponies are the Best Thing to Happen to Humanity
By Kawa, Luminous Gaze | March 12, 203X | 9001 views

It’s been a few months now since our glorious planet has been all but invaded by pastel pop culture revealed real, and several important things bear repeating. Actually, there are quite a lot of those things but as you know humor works better in more reasonable portions, and this is first and foremost a humor site. Let nobody ever say we can’t be reasonable people here.

Here then, are four of such things, painstakingly sorted out with the expert guidance from someone with a heaping helping of literal horse sense. Things like…

#4. The Reaffirmation of Linguistic Meanings

Last week, yet another human/pony couple got married and yet another politician got his ass handed to him for complaining. One of the things that politician was not alone in is that this is considered by those less gifted with the glorious invention of the dictionary to be some form of bestiality.

Pictured: a glorious dictionary (derpiboo.ru, kilala97)

The problem, we’re sure you may or may not have found out by now, is that “bestiality” is entirely the wrong word, as is “zoophilia”. A human having a relation with an Equestrian pony is better referred to as a xenophile, the love of the other. The recent glut of human/pony marriages has brought this distinction back to the foreground, and that invites us, as a whole, to rethink many other words we sling around so carelessly, such as “flank”.

#3. Shaking up Science

Unicorns can do magic. Actual, honest to whatever deity you believe in magic. Technically, all Equestrians can do magic but most are on a subconscious level and don’t really count for the purposes of this article. Now, Clarke’s third law states that any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” This has the obvious corollary, a reversal of sorts – “any sufficiently studied magic is indistinguishable from science.” And by Andraste’s flaming underpants they tried.

This is the stare of a man who knows.

In the race to unlock magic, many things already known to man’s science had to be amended, just like when the planets didn’t move as predicted and we discovered Pluto. These amendments, of course, open up new avenues for research, and the cure for cancer inches ever closer.

#2. Friendship Really is Magic

War. War never changes. The only thing that does is what it’s fought with. We went from sharpened stones to spears to swords to guns to bigger guns to nukes. But the wars, on a fundamental level, stayed the same. When the ponies appeared, the first thing we did was to grab our rail guns and fire a slug through their leader’s skull.

Weak against goddesses. (hk-usa.com)

And the ponies? They used nothing but shields and, more importantly, diplomacy of a level that humanity hadn’t seen since forever. Since then, our politicians have slowly warmed to the idea of fighting battles with words, not swords.

War had changed.

#1. We Are Not Alone

Even if, as the popular theory holds, the Equestrians are not of this universe, they are still legitimate extra-terrestrials. And that means one of the oldest questions humanity has asked is finally answered. “Are we alone in the universe?”

You are here (nasa.gov)

Well, looping right back to #4, if the universe is considered all that exists – and it is – then Equis (the pony’s home planet, wherever that might be) must be a part of our universe and thus, the answer is a firmly resounding “yes.”

And yes, fan girls, dragons are real.

Kawa is sometimes a game developer, sometimes a writer, but always an incorrigible dipshit. Luminous Gaze is a unicorn and the textbook example of a black beauty. Can they share an apartment? Find out on Twitter.
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Author's Note

Yes, the rail gun is from Halo, not H&K.