Disclaimer: Do not take this seriously...You have been warned.
Ponies...Call...Tech support!
Episode one: Twilight
Twilight sighed in frustration as she attempted to fix the contraption that had just been delivered to the library. The device itself seemed simple enough. It was a sort of conduit that would allow ponies to communicate with each other instantly. It sported a numeric keypad that one could use to “call” others. This would have been especially helpful as Spike was currently away and Twilight did not want to use her magic to send it herself. The company had (predictably enough) named the small machine a “telephone”. Alas, Twilight’s device was unable to reach anypony. She knew for a fact that all of her friends had purchased the things the day they were released. The princesses themselves had bought themselves phones so as to communicate with their subjects. She eventually decided to try dialing the number displayed on the screen of the phone labeled: “tech support”
“Hello, what seems to be the problem?” Came a voice with a heavy accent that Twilight had never heard before.
“Err...Hi, I purchased this device from your company and-”Twilight began only to be interrupted by the voice on the other end.
“Is it plugged in?” The voice asked seriously.
“What? The thing claims to be wireless.” Twilight replied, a bit irked by the interruption.
“Oh, that is not very much a problem then. Have a very nice day.” The voice said before abruptly hanging up.
Twilight sat on her haunches for a moment before dialing the number again. She didn’t know if she should be angry or confused.
“Hello, what seems to be the problem?” The voice asked in the exact tone that had started the previous conversation.
“Yes, I bought this ‘phone’ and it doesn’t seem to be able to call any number aside from this one.” Twilight said.
“Have you checked to see if it is plugged in?” The voice inquired. Twilight decided to stop this before the not so distant history repeated itself.
“Can I speak to your manager?” Twilight asked, hoping to get a more competent being to help solve her technical problem.
“Yes, I shall retrieve him for you now.” Came a brief reply, the sounds of shuffling were heard in the background followed by a very muffled conversation.
“Hello, how may I help you today?” Came a slightly deeper voice with the same slightly obnoxious accent as the previous.
“Sorry, I just need a bit of help with my ‘phone’. The only number on it that will work is this one.” Twilight said politely.
“Is it plugged in ma’am?” The voice asked eliciting a facehoof from Twilight.
“It’s wireless, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to talk to you right now.” Twilight replied with an obvious amount of frustration.
“Look, there is no reason to get an attitude with me. I am only trying to help.” The voice chastised.
“You’re right, sorry. Do you have any other bits of advice? I really need to call the princess.” Twilight said.
“Hmm...Have you tried restarting it?” The voice asked, sounding more like it was reading a manual.
“Yes, several times.” Twilight replied, to say that this was annoying was an understatement of the highest caliber.
“Well, what does the screen say when you try to type in a number?”
“It just says: Call tech support at 555-555-5555”
“Look, you are the first one to have this problem.” The voice stated, the accent was beginning to really get on Twilight’s nerves.
“Mind if I ask where your office is?” Twilight queried.
“No, not at all.”
“Well?”
“Yes?”
“I asked you a question.”
“Yes, yes you did.” At this point, Twilight was beginning to wonder if this stallion was truly this naive or if he was simply messing with her.
“Where is your office?” Twilight asked venomously.
“India.” Came the swift reply.
“India? I’ve never even heard of that place.”
“Flimflam industries prefer to outsource their tech support jobs in order to save on costs of labor.”
“Outsource? Wait...Flimflam?” Twilight asked as she recalled the last encounter with two specific stallions “You mean the Flim Flam brothers?”
“Yes, the brothers pay us a very gracious five bits a month.” The voice said proudly.
“Five bits a month? The minimum wage in Equestria is five bits an hour!” Twilight exclaimed she suddenly felt a bit sad about the terrible deal these people were getting.
“Your currency is worth very much here, my old job paid three dollars a year!” Twilight's sadness was suddenly replaced by the same annoyance as before.
“Aside from you being grossly underpaid, can you possibly help me fix this?” Twilight asked, hoping that this person had figured something out.
"Fix what?"
"I need you to help me fix my phone." Twilight repeated holding back screams of rage.
"What seems to be the problem?"
"It can't call anypony aside from this number."
"Have you tried checking to see if it's plugged in? That is a very common problem."
“Hmm, I’m not sure what the problem is. I’m very sorry sir, have a nice day.” The voice said sincerely before hanging up. Twilight visibly twitched as something inside her mind snapped.
“Sir...Sir!?! I’m going to write a letter to Princess Celestia right away!” Twilight yelled to nopony in particular. Within moments she had written up a letter filled with complaints about her encounter with the Flimflam tech support crew and questions about this 'India' place. She wondered how Flim and Flam had managed to find such a place, let alone convince the people that five bits a month was fair. Perhaps these questions will be answered in a later episode...Don't get your hopes up.
This was actually kind of fun to write. Stay tuned for a few more of these. Woo!
Chapter two: Twilight tries to file a complaint with Customer service.
After sending a letter to Celestia and after three hours still not receiving a reply of any sort; Twilight decided to take matters into her own hooves. After all, she was a princess now. This thought in mind, she located the phone that she had cast aside earlier and dialed the number for Tech Support again.
“Hello, how may I help you today?”
“Yes, I called to file a complaint. Could you please refer me to your customer service desk? Oh, and can I please have your name?” Twilight asked nicely. There was a hint of silence before she heard a few muffled voices and a faint chuckle.
“Sorry, I have aquired the number for Customer service. The number is 555-5556. And my name is alnigas.” The voice said.
“Alright, thank you for the help!” Twilight said, she hoped this complaint would set these workers on the right track and prevent other complaints in the future She eagerly tapped in the number and awaited an answer.
“Hello, this is Flimflam Incorporated customer service. Shaniqua speaking, how can I help you today?” Came a female voice that already sounded quite annoyed. Just the sound of it slightly intimidated the purple alicorn.
“Hi, my name is Twilight Sparkle. I need to file a complaint against...All Niggas?” Twilight said, attempting to mimic the syllables of the name she was told earlier.
“What was that?” The voice asked, anger rising in the place of the former annoyance.
“I had a problem earlier today with All Niggas and would like to file a complaint.” Twilight said and was greeted with silence.
“Oh hell naw!” The voice suddenly called out causing Twilight to jump in surprise. “You white mothafuckers always call in here and try to pick on the black people. I am sick and tir-” The voice was practically yelling into the phone.
“I’m purple!” Twilight yelled back.
“Oh no you didn’t. You just interrupted me! Now listen here you little bitch! I do not tolerate little racists interrupting me. And don’t you dare raise your tone like that!”
“Sorry! It’s just that this tech support employee told me to call this number and claimed that his name was All niggas!” Twilight said in self defence.
“Oh...Those little rag-headed sandniggers I’mma go up there and teach them a lesson right now. I’mma have to put you on hold.” The voice said, slightly calmer than before. Suddenly, the line went dead for a moment. A few seconds later, music began playing.
“Thank you for holding, was that everything?” The voice asked, suddenly fairly nice and calm about the whole thing.
“Err... yes ma’am. Thanks for all of your help!” Twilight said carefully, not wanting to set this lady off again. A moment later, the line went dead again signifying that the lady had hung up.
Author's Note
Sorry that this one was a bit shorter, but I couldn't really think of much else to add.