John, John, John of the Jungle, Watch Out for that Tree!
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The Legend of the Mormons in Equestria‽
John, John, John of the Jungle, Watch Out for that Tree!
Why that chapter name? Because I felt like it.
** * * * * * **
Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria...
A group of three well-dressed, certainly well-informed, male humans translocated themselves across the fields of Equestria with little electrical resistance, thinking about their deep-rooted hatred for the evil multinational corporation, Starbucks. So far, they only had reached Hillington Fable Cabres, which was 417 kilometres away from Ponyville. They had been mailed to that location via a blast from a Space-Time Bomb Gun, which had been manufactured efficiently under the watchful eye of the Disney Worldwide corporation. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to add another sentence here in order to explain that Disney Worldwide was not, in fact, the corporation which actually built the device; that was the work of BP, for whatever reason.
Even though the Space-Time Bomb Gun is what was used for the trip to Equestria from Jesusland, as Earth had been renamed in the forty-two-five-hundreds, they did not have it with them for the return trip. Their only choice was to bring the land of magical ponies the joy and wonder of Mormon (which was, incidentally, the name of their God).
* * *
"God, I wish I had some potato chips right about now," said Twilight.
There were twenty knocks on the front door.
"Ooh, I wonder who that is!" wondered Twilight, audibly, but only if you were in the room with her at the time, which you are right now (amazing how narration works, isn't it?). She opened the front door to find a small clutch of three Mormons.
Wow! Bloody hell, that was quick! I was sure they were 417 kilometres away.
"Good morning, Miss," greeted one of the missionaries. "My name is Jon."
"Um... hello?" Twilight responded. "I was just about to go out and buy some potato chips. Are you here because you heard my thoughts?"
"We did indeed hear your thoughts, child. Have you been enlightened?" Jon responded.
"Enlightened? About what? Oh, I just noticed that you're one of those things. I used to be one of you! Except... the other kind!" she exclaimed, mainly because she was one of them, except she was the other kind that wasn't male.
"Do you wish to learn about the Book of Mormon and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?"
"I didn't expect you to show up here! But why aren't you ponies? I turned back into myself when I went back through the portal. Would you like some coffee?"
The piteousness of Mormons looked at one another with anger, then the non-speakers stuck their tongues out and vomited. The representative Mormon (who was standing at the front and had spoken already) took a deep breath and shouted, "COFFEE! HOW DARE YOU?! HOW CAN YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT KNOWING THAT YOU'RE DRINKING THE BLOOD OF SATAN?!"
Twilight gasped, quickly backpedaled and slammed her front door shut.
"Oops. I probably shouldn't have shouted like that," Jon said, scratching his head.
* * *
"Well, Angel Bunny, how's that?" Fluttershy asked.
Angel squeaked in a pattern understood only by Fluttershy.
"Want it a bit tighter? Here you go. Is that good?"
Angel nodded.
"Good."
There were fourteen knocks at the front door.
"Oops, oh well. Looks like I'll have to leave you here for a bit, Angel. Be right back!" Fluttershy swooped through the door connecting the bedroom to the front room and opened the front door.
"Good morning, Miss," greeted another missionary. "My name is John."
"Um... hello, John," Fluttershy responded, slowly. "What brings you here?"
"Have you been enlightened in the ways of the Mormon?" asked John.
"Mor—mor—mor...?"
"Mormons, yes. Would you like to learn about the Book of Mormon and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?"
"Oh, no thank you. I'm perfectly happy with my own religion. Hehehe..." Fluttershy attempted to slowly close her door, but John already had his foot in the door.
"Then, would you like us to come in and pray for you?" he asked, pushing his way in.
"N-no thanks—" Fluttershy tried to put up a fight, but it was pointless. The Mormons were a strong race. "Oh... okay then."
The Mormons walked to the center of the front room and knelt down on the ground. They uttered a series of odd chants, staring at the floor, before throwing their arms into the air and wailing at the tops of their lungs. "OOOOAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" The room turned dark and bright red clouds flew around near the ceiling, seeming to twist and flow around each other.
Then, suddenly, it was back to normal and the Mormons were gone.
Fluttershy realised that she has passed out. When she stood up, she returned to the bedroom and spoke to Angel, before taking to the air with a vicious expression.
"That was the perfect fuel!"
Angel rapidly shook his head up and down in anticipation.
* * *
"GRANNY SMITH! You've gone dun diddit again!" Applejack shouted into the air.
"Hang on, I'm comin', I'm comin'."
"Granny Smith, ya burned down the barn again, 'cuz o' yer stupid smokin' habit!" Applejack told Granny Smith, who, by all logic, and also by no logic, was probably her grandmother.
"Well that's true, but it wouldn'ta ever done that if it wasn't built there in the first place!"
"It's our house!"
At this point, a pack of Mormons decided to show up.
"Good morning, Miss," greeted another missionary. "My name is Johnny."
"Johnny, can'tcha see my house just got burned down?" Applejack spat at the frontal Mormon, who had just introduced himself as 'Johnny.'
"Would you like us to pray for you?"
"Pray? What the hay's that gunna do?" asked the orange non-unicorn, who was also a non-pegasus while, at the same time, being a non-alicorn. She was wearing a hat.
"Let us show you."
The Mormons reacquired the property defined by the term 'kneeling' and chanted their silly chant again. The sky turned black and red clouds fell down from the heavens. They circled around the ruins of Sweet Apple Acres and glowed brightly. The pieces of the barn also began to glow, before rising up and reassembling themselves.
"Oh mah! Well this is a surprise, ain' it?" Applejack swooned.
Fluttershy and Twilight appeared from beyond the nether realm and spoke in unison: "Everyone join up! We'll all be happy together!"
The rest of Ponyville showed up, draping their forelegs over each other's shoulders. Before long, they were all singing a Mormon hymn.
The End.
