Herp De Derples: The Story
Written by Select Few and Woeful Writers
Inspired by this picture http://f1uttershy-pegasus.deviantart.com/art/herp-de-derp-derples-300864344
"HEY! HEY! HEY SELECT! HEY! HEY! SELECT! FEW! FEW! HEY!"
Writer was jumping up underneath Select's cloud room late one afternoon. She had been trying to get his attention for a few minutes before resorting to yelling nonstop.
"FEW! FEW! HEY! FEW!" She grabbed a trampoline with her magic while she was hopping, and placed it under her mid-jump. This made her jump high enough to poke her head through the floor of Select's room.
"HEY! HEY! HEEEEEEEEEEEY!"
Select poked his head through the floor to look at Writer. "What do you want, Writer? I was trying to sleep."
"HEY! FEW! HEY! HEY!" Writer had closed her eyes, and didn't see or hear Select answer her.
"Writer."
"FEW! HEY!"
"Writer."
"HEY! HEY FEW!"
"Writer, I'm right here."
"HEY! HEY! HEEEEEEEEY!"
"WRITER! I AM RIGHT HERE! WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT?!"
Writer tumbled off the trampoline and landed on a bush. "Sheesh, Few. You didn't have to yell."
"Actually, I think I did." Select said, shaking his head. "Now, what was it that you wanted?"
Writer opened her mouth to speak, but stopped before she said anything. She closed her mouth and rubbed her chin for a moment. "You know... I can't remember."
"Of course not." Select said, raising a hoof to his face. "Well, if you remember, I'll be inside." He started to fly back up to his room.
"OH WAIT!" Writer yelled, stopping Select mid-flight. "I remembered what I wanted."
"And just when I thought I was safe, too." Select muttered, before turning around to face Writer. "Ok, Writer, what did you want?"
Writer magicked a book out of the bush and showed it to Select. "I wanted your help with some spells in this book." Select looked over the book.
"'The Newbie's Guide to Hypnosis: First Edition', eh? I'm not sure how I'd help you with this. No horn, you know."
"Read the first page" Writer said, opening up the book.
"'From retrieving memories to "training" minions, this book covers everything you will ever need to know about Hypnotizing ponies, donkeys, cows, and more!'" Select looked at Writer. "I'm still not sure how you want me to help."
"Well, if I'm going to practice hypnosis, I need somepony to experiment on- er, train with." Writer said, flashing a huge smile at Select.
"Uh... I'd love to help, but I just remembered I... left my vest in the washer." Select said, turning around to fly away. Writer grabbed his tail before he could get very far, though. "No you didn't, you silly pegasus. You're wearing it."
"Oh, er. I need to put it in the washer, then."
Writer released her hold on his tail. "Fine. But then will you help me? Please?"
"I don't know..." Select said. Writer pouted and started tearing up. "Please? I just want to find what makes me special. Don't you want me to be special?"
Select looked around, unsure of what to do. "Well, when you put it like that..." Writer looked up at him, still having tears in her eyes. "Of course I want you to be special." He sighed. "And if that means being hypnotized then... so be it."
Writer immediately cheered up. She jumped up and hugged him. "Thanks! You're the best big brother ever!"
⇨Ω⇦
A few hours later found Writer and Select sitting in a meadow a little distance away from the town.
"For safety reasons" Writer had said. It was for exactly the same reasons that Select was fidgeting around now.
"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" Select asked Writer, who was reading the book and carving out a symbol on a stone slate about the size of her.
"Of course I don't, that's why we came out here." Writer said. She raised a hoof up to stop Select's protest before he could start it. "Now, quiet while I concentrate."
A few minutes later she had finished carving the intricate patterns onto the stone. Well, they were supposed to be intricate, but to Select they just looked like a bunch of circles.
"Are you sure that it's supposed to look like that? What is it, anyways?"
"Positive, and it's a Spell-Enhancing Rune, designed by ponies in ancient times to help young unicorns learn the more difficult spells, like levitating other ponies or making coffee."
"Really?" Select asked, curious.
"No idea. That's just what H. Toad said in the book. Now, on to the SCIENCE!" Writer said, throwing the book into a bush behind her.
"Why did you bring that bush, anyways?" Select asked.
"If I'm going to be earning my mark, then I want this bush to be there. Me and buisson go way back." Writer said, petting the bush. "Now, shut up and get into position so we can begin."
"Alright, Alright." Select said, moving to a patch of grass that Writer had marked out earlier.
"Ready? Great!" Writer said, as her horn started to glow. "And here... we... GO!" As she said the last word, she released the spell on the rune, causing it to levitate and start spinning in front of Select. Writer could feel the power of the spell growing the more the rune spun. It started causing a slight breeze around it, but not a strong one. After a few minutes of this, Writer could tell that the spell had reached its maximum power. "Well, this is it. Do you feel any different?"
Select shrugged his wings. "Nothing except a slight breeze. Is that it? Am I supposed to believe that there's a breeze that's not actually there?"
Writer sighed. "No, the breeze is actually there. I'm not sure what went wrong. I had the rune carved perfectly, and I performed the spell exactly like the book said."
"Well, maybe I'm just immune to this stuff." Select said, adjusting his sunglasses and adopting a smug grin.
"Perhaps..." Writer said, looking inquisitively at Select. "Or maybe your glasses are preventing it from working! Take them off and let's see if it works then."
"Uh, that'll be a no. You know I don't take them off. Ever. I even shower in them."
Writer moved towards Select. "First off, ew. Secondly, GIMME!" She lunged at Select, grabbing him with her magic to hold him in place. She reached up to grab his glasses. He reached up a hoof to hold on to his glasses, however. "No! They're staying on!"
"Stop being so stubborn! You can put the glasses back on after the experiment is done."
"I could do that. OR, I could leave them on and we can go home."
"We're not going home until I make sure that it isn't actually working! Now, give me those glasses!" She smacked the back of his head, then grabbed his glasses when he was knocked forwards. When he pulled backwards, his glasses came off. Writer ran with them into the bush, put on the glasses, and watched what happened next.
"MY. EEEYYYEEESSS!!!" Select said, covering them with his hooves.
"Relax, Few. I turned off the spell already." Writer lied. "Really?" Select asked, tentatively uncovering his eyes. As he did, he looked directly into the rune. "Hey! You said that you had turned off... the... rune..." As he was saying that, his head started wobbling around. Soon, his eyes were facing in two different directions.
Writer moved forwards to inspect him. He just sat there, eyes moving around individually.
"Ha-ha! I think it worked!" Writer said cheerfully, starting to hop around. "I'd better test it out to be sure, though..." She sat down, pondering what command she should give him.
"Hmm... Ah! I know! Few, move buisson over to the other side of the meadow."
Nothing happened.
"I said, move buisson to the other side of this meadow."
Still, nothing happened. Select was still sitting down on the patch of grass.
"What's wrong? I'm supposed to be able to order you around now." Writer grabbed the book back and read over the spell details again.
"...blah blah blah...risk of molting in pegasi... blah blah... pentapox... blah blah... Aha! 'To make your new minion do something, simply say either "I command you to x, or please.' Well, that sounds easy enough."
She trotted back over to Select, and said "Move buisson the bush over to the other side of the meadow, please."
Immediately, Select picked up the bush and transported it to the opposite side of the clearing. Writer rubbed her hooves together. "Yes... I could get use to this..."
"Few, move me to the other side of the meadow." Select grabbed Writer and flew her over to buisson. As soon as she was sat back down on the ground, Writer stood on her hind legs and laughed maniacally. "Yes! With my new found powers, I can rule the world!" She sat back down. "Er, wait. I don't want to rule the world. I just want to know everything about everypony in town."
She hopped onto Select's back. "Few, take me and buisson home, please. We have some planning to do..."
⇨Ω⇦
The next few days went by rather quickly for Writer, as she commanded Select to do different outlandish and possible illegal activities, such as taking pictures of different ponies from the sky. Each event was seemingly random, although Writer supposedly had a reason for each of them.
"Few, get me that jar, please."
"Few, take a picture inside that window, please."
"Few, please wear this tutu and respond to the name 'Cookie'"
"Few, tell me a story."
"Few, make me a biscuit."
This continued on for about a week. After a while Writer just used him as her personal assistant. One day, she was bored and was just staring at a wall. She had Select throwing different things at it, such as bread and applesauce. After a few hours of this, she decided that she was bored of that, too.
"Few, lick the walls clean and then brush my mane please."
Select licked the walls clean (shiny, even.), and then went to brush Writer's mane.
"What am I going to do now? I've already gotten us banned from 5 museums and an All-You-Can-Eat Banana club. I'm running out of places to terrorize. Perhaps we c-"
She suddenly felt something on her head. Something that was wet, warm, and smelled of applesauce. "Um... Few... What are you doing?" Writer asked, disturbed.
"Brufin haw" Select said. He had meant to said "Brushing Hair", but found that rather difficult, as he had Writer's head in his mouth at the moment.
"Uh... Few... Stop that, please."
He didn't respond, but he continued "brushing" her mane.
"Few, I command you to stop that."
He didn't.
"AAHHHH! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!" She tried running away, but he was firmly attached to her head, and flopped around behind her. "Ah! Where is that book?!" As they ran past the kitchen, Lily noticed them and yelled "Hey! No running in the house!".
Writer found the book in buisson, and quickly flipped to the Spell-Removal and Defence section. She skimmed through the different parts until she found the section she needed.
"'Hypnosis will generally last about 2 months, but can be counteracted by enchanting an item, such as a necklace, bracelet, or other accessory to negate the spell's effects. Follow these instructions to end any hypnosis spell placed on your minion, or to prevent them from being hypnotized in the first place...'" Writer followed the instructions, which strangely called for an apple, a rubber chicken, and a piece of gum. After using them as directed, she grabbed Select's glasses from the bush, and attempted to enchant them. All while she was doing this, Select was still on her head, attempting to brush it with his teeth.
"I really, really hope this works..." Writer said, and then powered up her magic. It was hard to concentrate with a pegasus doing a pretty good impersonation of a brain slug, though. She released her magic on the glasses, which caused them to float up and glow a bright yellow. After a few seconds, they slowly returned to the ground, now a brighter shade of yellow than before. She picked them up and threw them onto Select's face.
Immediately, he dropped off of her head and onto the ground. He looked around, confused.
"Where are we, and why do I taste hair and drywall?"
"We're home, and... Well, let's just say that the experiment didn't work as planned."
"You mean you didn't get your cutie mark?" Select asked.
"Yeah... Say, what's the last thing you remember?" Writer asked, in a seemingly nonchalant manner.
"Last thing I remember, you were stealing my glasses." Select said, a little confused. "Why?"
"No reason." Writer said, turning around to face towards the door to their house. "Just that it's two weeks later, and I may or may not have used you for various activities that may or may not have gotten us in trouble with the law." She ran inside the house. "Wellanywayshaveagooddaygottagodosciencestuffbyenow!" She yelled, then locked the door behind her.
It took Select a moment to process what she had said. After he did, he just stared at the door for a moment. He shook his head, then flew up towards his room. After about five minutes, he flew towards the house and started beating on the door.
"WRITER! WHY DO I HAVE A TATTOO THAT SAYS 'TAXI' ON MY BACK?!"
"Don't worry, it's not permanent!" Writer said through the door, laughing.
"Ugh... I am not letting you experiment on me again, Writer." Select said, leaning against the door.
"Now, we both know that isn't true." Writer said.
Select sighed. "You're right." He said, sounding defeated. "Just don't mess with my mind again."
"Yeah.. Sorry about that."
"Apology... considered."
Square moon and cubed sun
"OH SWEET LUNA RUN!"
Writer was running as quickly as she could towards Select, who was screaming at her from a house on top of a hill.
"OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP!"
She had been out exploring when night began to fall. As she was adventuring, a creature had come out of a nearby forest to chase her. As she was running away, more and more creatures came out of the forest.
"HURRY! GET INSIDE! GO GO GO!"
She began to climb the hill, while the creatures got ever closer.
"I'M GONNA MAKE IT! I'M GONNA MAKE-"
She was almost inside when an arrow hit her in the back. She fell down right in front of the door, while the creatures started rushing towards the door.
Select slammed the door closed, blocked it up, then ran towards the other side of the house.
…
"I don't want to play this map anymore."
Writer idly floated her controller in front of her, sitting upside down in front of their TV.
"Oh, come on, Writer. It's fun." Select said, still focused on the game being displayed on the screen.
"Yeah, for the person who doesn't get killed and loses all their stuff." Writer began twirling the controller around in the air.
"Hey, I warned you about staying out after sunset. I always make sure to be back inside before nighttime."
"Of course you do. You never leave the house!" Writer said, poking him with the controller.
"Well... no. But that's only because I placed my tunnels and caves beneath the shelter. You know I'm a dwarf when it comes to these kind of games." Select replied, brushing away Writer's controller with a wing.
She kept poking him, though, and even sped up. "Yes, yes. You prefer the dark, murky caves over flat plains or tall skyscrapers."
"Indeed, I do. But that's mainly because you prefer to build your stuff out of sandstone." He pushed the controller away with a hoof.
"So what? It's a beautiful block." She lifted the controller up, and started poking the back of his neck with it, just out of reach.
"Come on, just respawn already." He said, trying in vain to reach her controller.
"Hmmm... Nah. I think I'll play with my bear and keep bugging you. It's much more fun." Writer reached over the side of the couch and grabbed a stuffed bear in her mouth.
Select started flailing around, but still couldn't reach the controller that was still poking him in the neck. "Would you cut that out?!"
"Nope" Said Writer, making her bear walk across the floor. She walked over to Select, who was still wiggling around on the ground, and started poking him with her bear. Select swatted the bear away, then went back to trying to get the controller.
"Oh, you shouldn't have done that..." Writer said. She went over to her bear and curled up around it. She then cleared her throat. "*Ahem*. DADDY! FEW HIT MY BEAR, AND IS BEING MEAN TO ME!"
Their dad's voice came from the kitchen across the house. "Select, play nice with your sister."
Select started to speak, "But Da-"
"And don't say 'She started it'. That's always your excuse."
"That's because she always does!"
"Uh-huh. Just go back to your MineQuest or whatever it's called."
Select did a miniature facehoof. "It's called MineCraft, and I can't go back to it until Writer stops poking me with the DANG CONTROLLER!"
"Writer, sweetie, quit intentionally freaking out your siblings. You know you do that enough on accident."
"Oh, alright. Er, I mean Ok, Daddy!" She stopped poking Select with the controller, and sat back down on the couch.
"Alright, I'll respawn. Just let me grab something right quick." She reached over the side of the couch where a bush had suddenly appeared. She put her bear into the bush, and pulled out a thick book titled "MINECRAFT WIKI: Everything you've ever wanted to know about blocks, and more!". Select sat back down on the couch as well, and they started up their game again.
"Hey, look! The Sun is rising already!" Writer said, pressing A to respawn.
"Yep. Now we can get back to work."
"Hey, sorry about acting up. Video games, you know?" Writer said.
"Yeah, Video games... They do strange things to you."
And then they blew up the world. The end.
It was early in the morning, and Select Few was taking a walk around the edge of town. The white pegasus often did this, as he liked watching the town of Hoofington slowly grow brighter as the sun rose.
Generally, he was alone on his walks, as he either woke up earlier than most or stayed up later.
Usually, that is. Today, he felt as if he was being watched.
Select looked around him, but didn't see anything except the occasional tree or bush. He decided that he was just being paranoid, and continued on his way. After a while of walking, the feeling of being watched increased. Nervous now, he slowly turned his head behind him, but again saw nothing.
"Easy now. You're just a little jumpy from reading that book yesterday." He told himself. He had checked out a book about various myths and legends from around the Hoofington area for Writer, and had decided to read it once she had finished. It had turned out to be mostly filled with horror stories, though, with everything from mysterious disappearances to monster sightings.
Normally, those things wouldn't effect Select, but he had been up all the night before, and was tired when he read it. Now, he was beginning to believe that that hadn't been such a good idea.
He adjusted his sunglasses, and prepared to start walking again. After a few steps, however, he heard a rustling behind him.
"A-ha!" He shouted as he spun around. But again, there was nopony behind him. Just a bush and the road. Now thoroughly spooked, he carefully unfolded his wings and started gliding over the road. After travelling a few feet forwards, the rustling started up again. Select decided to ignore it, but sped up just a little anyways. The sound followed him as he travelled along the road, but every time he peeked behind him, he only saw the road and a bush.
In fact, it was the same bush every time...
Select realized this, and suddenly came to a halt. He flipped around in the air, and dove straight into the bush. "I've got you now! Whoever you are, you won't be getting away!" As he looked around inside the bush, though, he didn't find anypony or anything.
Briefly considering that the bush was alive and had been following him all day, Select shook his head and dismissed that crazy idea. He backed out of the bush, wondering if he was actually being followed, or if he was going crazy. He turned around to finish up his walk-
And ended up face to face with Writer.
"Hey, Few. What's up?" She asked, with a smile on her face.
"SWEET MERCIFUL CELESTIA!" Select shouted, flying backwards several feet.
"You... Are you ok, Few?" Writer asked, sounding both amused and concerned.
After he calmed down, Select landed and answered "Yeah, I'm fine. You just startled me. What are you doing out this early?"
"Why, following you, of course!" Writer said, pointing to a pair of binoculars hanging around her neck. "I had to jump out of my bush when you dove into it. What was with that, anyways?"
"Sorry. I thought someone had been following me, and was looking for them in-" Select's face suddenly turned into one of confusion. "Wait, you were the one following me? Why?!"
"Well," Writer began, "I could say that I was studying your daily habits in order to learn more about how your brain works, but instead I'll tell you the truth and say that it was for the lulz, of course."
"For the..." Select said, obviously still confused. "Never mind. Just don't sneak up on me from now on, ok?"
"Alrighty, Few." Writer said. "I'll try, but no promises. Why are you so jumpy, anyways?"
"I'm tired, I think. And I'm not used to strange bushes following me around." Select replied.
"That's silly. You'd think having me for a sister would have you used to stranger things by now." Writer cheerfully said, as she hopped over Select's head and back into the bush.
"You'd think..."
Select started walking again, and Writer moved the bush to stay beside him. She poked her head out the front of it to continue talking to him.
"I'm wondering, though: What's with the bush?" Select asked.
Writer turned her head around to look at the bush "What, this old thing? I always use it when I'm researching ponies."
"You always use it?" Select said. "You mean you've done this kind of thing before?"
"Oh, yes, plenty of times!" Writer said, suppressing a giggle. "Most of the time, Ponies don't realize I'm studying them, though."
"And by study, you mean... stalk?"
"You may call it stalking, but I call it SCIENCE!" As Writer said the last part, she dove back into the bush and retrieved a notepad. She handed it to Select, who saw that it was almost completely filled up.
"This is where I write down everything I learn about ponies while I study them." Writer said.
"Go on, look inside."
Select looked down at the notepad, and handed it back to Writer. "You mean Stalk. And, no thanks. I don't think I want to know what ponies do when they think they're alone."
Writer took the notepad and put it back in the bush. "Study. And it's your loss."
They finished up walking and headed back home. Once they got there, Writer ducked into the bush, then hopped out of it.
"So, do Mom and Dad know about your 'Studying'" Select asked, walking into their kitchen.
"Sort of..."Writer replied. "I told them that I was working on a research paper, and that I had to go out a lot for, well, research."
Select grabbed a cup and filled it with orange juice. "Well, I won't tell them about it, but you've got to promise to be careful."
Writer grabbed the cup with her magic and drank out of it. "Thanks! And, I promise!"
Select stared at the cup for a moment, then grabbed another one. After they finished drinking, Select flew up to his cloud room above the house to go to bed, and Writer walked back to her room. Once she was there, she grabbed a rug that was in the middle of the floor and moved it aside, revealing a trap door. She went inside, and set her notebook down. The room was full of filled notebooks, with pictures of different ponies lining the walls. As she grabbed an empty notebook and camera, she headed back up to her room.
Before she closed the door, she looked down into the secret room. "Soon, Hoofington." She said in a low tone. "Soon, I'll know all of your secrets."
